At the risk of getting something wrong 😜, here are the 6 triggers for reference: 1. The feeling of being dumb, incapable, or irresponsible 2. Feeling vulnerable or weak, physically and mentally 3. A moment of connection or deep relaxation 4. The possibility of hurting someone or someone’s feelings coupled with thinking about uncertainty in the future of a relationship 5. Fear of doing or having done something wrong 6. Other people being angry WATCH THE VIDEO, STILL!!! The beauty of this video is in the details and examples!
To all FAs. Get the therapy and help that you deserve - do whatever it takes to get healed because there are people out there that want to love you without the constant roller coaster ride of emotions … I miss my last BF but not the constant drama and heartache of never knowing what trigger I stepped on … it’s impossible to live a calm loving life when you’re always afraid that you might step on a past wound 24/7 😢😢😢
I was devastated when my FA ex dumped me with zero warning or signs whatsoever, 48hrs after the most romantic, intimate night of our time together. I was completely distraught. I’ve never fell harder (or quicker) for a woman than I did this one. She’s the most incredible woman ive ever met in my life, both inside and out and initially, I was really upset while I played the victim and made everything about “me” and my feelings. About 3 days after she dumped me, she sent me a text opening up a bit more and told me that the therapist she had started seeing 2 weeks before we split, she actually hired to help her find security and leave this FA lifestyle behind; that if her and I stayed together, that our relationship would most definitely have some sort of expiration date and that I’d grow to resent her over time and she couldn’t do that to me. Once I opened my mind up a bit and decided to NOT make this about me and rather read up on and watch videos in regards to FA/DA attachment styles, I felt less and less bad for myself and I found my self feeling more and more for her. She’s the most amazing, incredible, beautiful, hard working, smart, insightful woman I’ve ever met, with a heart the size of Alaska and compassion/empathy unlike anyone I’ve ever met and certainly unlike anyone I’ve dated. It breaks my heart that we don’t get to hold hands and go on walks and do cute things like local fairs/concerts and farmers markets anymore, but it breaks my heart even more knowing the pain she’s dealing with internally because I cannot imagine her doing anything to warrant or deserve any of this. I’ve kind of accepted the reality that while it’s inevitable that I’ll probably cross paths with her as we live in the same town and run the same trails and live about 1.5mi from each other, I’ll probably never be able to date her again. She’s an extremely successful business woman whose kinda constantly on the move for work and frankly, I’m thankful even for the time her and I spent because I genuinely loved her and I can say that I got to feel a feeling that so many people will never experience. True love is so much different than lust or attachment, like this woman woulda thrown punches alongside me if I got jumped and I know would have worked 2-3 jobs even if she had to in order to pay bills. She’s the textbook example of a “ride or die.” If nothing else; if I never see her or speak to her or hold her hand or kiss her or see her enamoring gorgeous green eyes, I can at least find some solace in the fact that I know she’s strong and I think she’s going to come out of therapy a better person. Whoever eventually gets to put a ring on her and spend life with her is legitimately the luckiest man in the universe.
So true. I fell for a man recently with FA traits. I definitely took it personally initially, but now that I found these videos, I realized his attachment wounds were activated. I am anxious attached and healing but the Rollercoaster of feeling wanted and discarded was very heartbreaking. I know he really cared for me but he couldn't get out of this cycle. I hope he gets therapy. He mentioned he wants to work on himself.
4 is what hit me the hardest. I wanted to know that she was the one, that we wouldn't get 4 years into it and one of us hurt the other. I doubted my feelings, I over analyzed everything, but most importantly I didnt tell her anything. I didnt work together on it. And I pushed her away, and now that I see what I was doing I've lost her. I wish I found this video before :/
The oversharing when experiencing vulnerability is so on point! I find I do the same thing and then retreat like a big old weirdo. I hate that icky feeling of knowing I said too much. The worst! I never realized it was a symptom of my FA style. Thank you, love your content, been learning a lot about attachment styles and you have a unique approach.❤️👍
Hi! When this happens and you’re the person on the other end, would you want them to give you space to process and then feel safe to come back or after a few weeks for the other person to reach out very briefly and casually just so you know they care and you can feel safe with them?
This is me.. I talk too much too soon smh because it stems from acceptance. No one accepted me ever and my new partner didn’t either but claims he does now.. now he uses what I told him in vulnerable moments against me thinking I’m doing x, y, z..
This video is really bringing home how EVERY SINGLE PART of my life is a minefield of triggers. It’s so exhausting and frustrating and right now I feel so angry and hopeless about it.
Even though this was an old video, I've never felt more understood. It's not just buzzwords or surface-level explanation you see all the time. I'm so glad I found your channel.
I was in.....kind of in a relationship with a woman who reacts/behaves in everything you said. Right from #1 she's said to me "I fell like you think I'm dumb" when its the complete opposite, i think she's incredibly intelligent and tell her so all the time. Ever time we start to connect deeply she pushes away. The anger part, so many times ive just been sitting there watching tv/reading something and she reacts like I'm angry and im sitting there going "What just happened? What did i miss?" It's like you made a video describing her.
I know you probably don't want pity but I'm sorry you have these triggers. My partner is an FA and can tell it weighs heavy on him sometimes. I just want him to be happy and healthy :)
I definitely resonated with your story of over sharing and feeling icky and so sick afterwards. I’ve done that to a friend I haven’t seen in awhile, and a tutor that I met for the first time. I have not returned to tutoring since 😂 and the part about feeling afraid of the future with a partner. I feel so not alone to know this is normal for fearful avoidants.
Yes and I can imagine the combination of using both pulling away and people pleasing is super confusing, but it's very characteristic for the fearful avoidant! I hope it helps you see that it makes sense :)
I just learned my Attachment style about a week ago. Since then I've been reading and binge watching as much as I can, because my entire life I thought my weird reaction to being 'triggered' was because I hate conflict, lowself worth, childhood and relationship trauma, c-ptsd, etc. Yes, I see, it is all that and more. Some people talking about these styles skip the Fearful Avoidant altogether. Or they are so wordy analytical, and its like, omg, FA should avoid relationships at all costs because their wounds are too tainting, and they put their wounds above everyone else. Ugh! I'm an HSP, loving, kind, compassionate, love to research, improve myself, and grow. I am not my wounds or attachment style 24/7, only when I'm triggered hard. I'm in that crash state right now, and thank God I found out about my style and can do something about it. You have explained things in a way that speaks to me, and I appreciate it, so very much. Edit: omg, i had no idea about these triggers, but number 1 for sure. I would like to add one more to this list, partner asking for a break, not giving a time frame. Necessary or not, it crashed me hard.
You don’t even know what a godsend you have been to me these past three days since I found your channel the day of a breakup. I knew something what wrong with me because I kept seeing patterns in myself but didn’t know how to fix it. You’ve given me so much hope that I can heal myself.
Feeling dumb incapable or irresponsible. Feeling vulnerable or (mainly) weak. Hurting someone’s feelings in the future if I decide they are not the one. This video was amazing. I can’t believe the very straightforward way that you presented these simple but super powerful revelations. SO helpful. Thank you
Your videos have been an absolute revelation for me! Just binge watching them now as they make so much sense to me. In all my years of different types of therapy, medicating myself, doubting myself and trying to heal I’ve never actually come across this term 😮All these points hit home! So happy to have something to work on now! Genuinely-Thanks for your work!
I agree with all these triggers. As a true sigma male, I love my autonomy and freedom and have always trusted myself as the only one who can solve my problems. However, I do have some bizarre behaviours I could never explain. My family will tell you I am uniquely different.
I have experienced various similar triggers in the past that have affected me over the last 60 years. Some examples include: 1. Feeling overwhelmed when someone unexpectedly hugs or tries to kiss you. 2. Being hypervigilant and overanalysing people in crowded rooms leading to mental and physical exhaustion. 3. Having trouble sleeping, especially if the window is open on a hot summer day. 4. Blanking out when speaking to a large audience. (Interestingly, I go on autopilot and speak coherently, but I can't remember what I've said.) 5. I stare people down in a very threatening manner when over-provoked or when my boundaries are crossed (Owl Eyes is extremely scary; even at 5 ft 8, I will take on anyone). However, I recently encountered a trigger that aroused deep emotions and feelings. The thing is that I didn't even know this trigger existed. I was under extreme pressure at work and in the early stages of a relationship with someone exhibiting dismissive-avoidant behaviour. They pulled away as DA tend to do, and I approached them to find out what was wrong. Their disapproving look triggered memories of my mother's disapproval from my childhood, flooding my mind with emotions (emotional quicksand) and led me to experience a freeze response. (The Abandonment Trigger) When I went home, I realised that this incident had brought back memories of past abuse by a neighbour, something I had suppressed for years. I had to take a week off work and had a complete mental breakdown. It was at this point that I discovered I was dealing with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which shed light on years of unexplained behaviours and challenges in my life-all the years of doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, remedial learning, anger management, and unexplained behaviours made sense. The funny thing is most of my immediate family could have told me this but didn’t!!. This journey of self-discovery has been both challenging and enlightening. Now, I know I’m working towards a more normal attachment style.
1:16 This is the exact reason I am here. I fell down the anxious thoughts rabbit hole. Edit: Holy cow ... Almost all of these triggers have happened to me today ALONE!! It ended up with me locking myself in the closet and quietly sobbing and thinking "this is what dumb, ugly, fat 12 year old me did. And here I am almost a decade later, still the same but only my age changed." I cried for a good 30 minutes then just shut down for another hour before asking my partner to hold me and tell me everything is/will be ok.
I can't believe that your channel came out of nowhere when i had to spend a whole day crying and willing to dumb my boyfriend for no reason i finally understand my self I've watched several videos of this and i think it became more easier to heal. Thank you so much
Mmmh thank you for this information, I have been married twice and divorced. It got to a point where I believed I was not meant for love because I failed to understand myself, why I have so much anger that just erupts out of nowhere, mood swings, from overly hot to overly cold😭 in an instant. Discovering about attachment theory is a blessing and locating my specific style is a cherry on top. Whilst I used to believe I was anxiously attached upon further research I can safely say I am certain that I’m an FA. May we all heal and hopefully meet the partners who will be willing to do the work as well in order to build healthy relationships.
This was EXTREMELY helpful. I get super trigger when my partner needs more affirmations about commitment and our future. We're trying to recover from an almost breakup so being an FA is REALLY not helping.
My FA ex told me there’s something missing romantically in our relationship, everything else is amazing though. Now I think because I want commitment and marriage in 2 years. That probably was why he cut it clean and be very cold all of the sudden after a year.
@@bapr3887 I heard fearful avoidant usually act on their emotions, and breakup out of the blue. There’s something missing romantically, he said he doesn’t know why or what it is, but the feeling doesn’t change. He said I treated him better than anyone ever has, and wanted to stay friends (which FA usually do). I know He is a FA because he is emotionally unavailable, doesn’t communicates, shut down constantly when things get vulnerable, no transparency from his side but he wants it from my side constantly. He is super affectionate, touchy and a people pleaser, wants connections but not commitment.
My FA ex was very vulnerable with me during our first few dates. I thought wow he is able to be so vulnerable and honest and really let me in and I was really impressed by that and saw that as such a good trait. I see it as that’s still in him it was true when he was showing it but he slowly got fear and put the walls up but it’s still there needing to come out again waiting maybe for them to feel they can.
I love hearing about your personal stories. Its so very helpful. It makes the content more alive and less text book info. Thankyou for delivering this information with such heart and a clear desire to help others
I wake up in the wrong mode often. Full of fear. And I may have a miserable day for that.. It is surprising you mentioned deep relaxation, sleeping can be trigger. It makes sense finally 😮
It’s so helpful to be able to identify my triggers and when I’m in a crash state! Thank you very much for making this video, you’re helping a lot of folks out here trying to become secure :) greetings from Mexico
I’ve been dating this guy for 6 months and although I don’t have nearly the same amount of anxiety like I did around the beginning when I first started deactivating, I feel like I’m noticeably getting “triggered” and annoyed by more and more things at this point and it makes me lose attraction on a regular basis where I’m questioning that maybe I just don’t like this guy as much as I thought I did. But on paper he’s pretty much everything I’ve been looking for. We hung out all day yesterday and ended up having a brief convo about the future and like we have the same vision and values for what we want but I felt nothing during that conversation. Almost felt like I was discussing plans with a stranger. And I was pretty much deactivated all day but during that convo especially I was like how am I talking about the future with someone I feel nothing for. Like I didn’t lie during the convo cause we weren’t talking about feelings, but I felt no emotion behind thinking of any of this potential future with him, even tho he was saying the “right things” or we were agreeing. It was very weird and I felt bad.
Just found out I’m FA! I’ve always had trouble with trusting in romantic relationships, over giving in friendships and inability to recognize my feelings and speak up for myself. When I found out it was all linked I was relieved. I’m usually single, but I’ve decided to stay single and not pursue any romantic relationship until I heal my FA. In romantic situations I usually get triggered almost immediately and with friendships I have patterns of codependency and then harsh resentment. I think this all stems from my ADD.
@@FM-zg5hz I started therapy a few months ago! It’s been pretty good so far. Learning different things about the connection between anxiety and avoidance!!!
@@ema13p it helped a LOT. I’m now on my 2nd romantic relationship where I’m securely attached and I’ve been able to set better boundaries with people in my inner circle
paulien, i cried when listenjng, feel like somebody finally understand and my feelings are not disregarded and unreasonable like everyone else said :( thank you
This was so helpful. I didn’t know my attachment style until my niece who lived with me for a year brought it up. All of the triggers you mentioned are mine but I never saw it or understood why I get so pissed over seemingly nothing…. The one that hit most is connection. I have been married for 27 years to a faithful, trustworthy man and when we connect very deeply and intimately (which took years), I cry/weep. I have always hid it from him, and I try to quickly gather all my emotions and stuff them back down. I never understood why that would happen to me until now. Thanks for this explanation. I am looking forward to watching your other video on how to heal this!
Trigger number 1 hits the nail on the head, it's like night and day. One minute you're fine the next you're spinning out of control. It's one of the things that causes me to overreact. Do you have any tools you use to navigate this situation so as to avoid the deactivation? You're also not wrong about the oversharing and the guilt that comes after. Pretty sure I exhibit all of these to varying degrees and intensity
What I used to do was retreat to a place where I could be alone to deal with the really intense emotions. I would communicate that to Arjen (my husband) in whatever way I could. When I couldn't speak, which sometimes happened, we had a hand gesture so he'd know I had to retreat and deal with the emotions. Hope that helps!
This! when she commits I tend to focus on little details like, her head looks so big or her nose looks weird to just detach from her in the moment when i feel emotional connection towards her. But when she starts to distance herself I think she is the most gorgeous person I have ever seen and get scared to loose her., even after break up for longs periods of time. Thank you for sharing and explaining this mess that I feel everytime when dating !
Thank you very much for the video. I'm really happy to find this! I have been struggling my entire life with "something I didn't even know what that was" and finally figured out my attachment style very recently. Thanks so much for all the details now I know why I had those negative uncontrollable, uncomfortable feelings. One step closer to healing ^^
You might have already done this but can you write a book please? This channel is so helpful and I would LOVE to have a book about this written by you. Thank you so much for sharing!!
I am so grateful I found your content. But I'm also deeply sad that I didn't find this years earlier. Might have saved me from a lot of grief, confusion, fear, and loss that I'm currently suffering with today. Might have also saved my past relationship. Glad I can start now though.
I didn’t know about crash state. Never heard of it! Also love the examples. Usually the examples people give are so extreme - these I can relate to better.
I feel so blessed to have found your video. Those are all my triggers in relationships that started greatly but I ran out of them. The question is - how to heal this now.
Holy moly. I wasn't expecting to learn something new here... as I feel I have watched so many of these videos before. But, you have definitely pointed out a few new things for me, and triggers that I JUST figured out for myself in the last week. Whilst talking to a guy online about childhood trauma and being an FA, I was completely triggered by something he said. I had to do a LOT of deep introspection to figure out what was going on and making me deactivate, and I came to the conclusion that I felt I had wronged him, or was about to wrong him..... which made me feel AWFUL inside. I got sharp shooting pains to my chest about 20 times over. I then felt an overwhelming sense of stupidity that I had shared so many personal things with him. It's funny, because I normally would have associated those sharp shooting pains with terror (like when someone goes from being nice to instantly mean), but now I see I also get them if I feel I've wronged someone. I feel I always have to people please. And I always have to be perfect. I have since completely pushed this person away... feeling he is way too good for me. I really need to figure out how to heal. Tired of these wounds ruining every romantic relationship.
This wasn't an eyeopener, just eyeopener, that was epiphany! 🤗🥰 all of the 6 triggers are pretty often the case in my relationship with my FA man, and we knew a few things already, but mostly we weren't connecting it to "just being" fearfully attached. Now it make sense a lot more. For me to better understand him to be able to respond more compasonate in those moments, and for him to finnaly be able to believe me that I wasn't or am not feeling angry with him. I'm very acceptionating (even in my teenage son's eyes 😉) but my man didn't believe me, especially in tensed momments... till now thanks to you 🤗 thank you a lot
Thank you so much for these teachings, they are really opening up my eyes to things I have been clueless of and it's helping me get a lot of understanding of myself and those around me. God bless you.
I always attributed this stuff to narcissism or dating narcissists.. it sounds a lot like it. But I never knew the core reasons for my issues and this helps a lot
Thank you so much for this video! I've always thought I had an anxious attachment style but it seems that I'm clearly triggered by the things you described
I have many of the same triggers as an anxious attached type. I relate to SO much in these videos, I think that makes sense as fearful avoidants have a lot of fear (hence the name!) as do anxious types, and from watching these videos it seems that the fears and triggers can be the same for both...what differs is how you react to those fears. A fearful avoidant often deactivates (although they may activate too, this is why it is sometimes called the 'disorganized' attachment style as there is both push and pull happening which can feel incredibly confusing for both parties.) An anxious preoccupied, on the other hand, will almost always activate (try to pull the person closer, becoming clingy and 'needy'). This seems to be the key difference it seems to me, not so much the fears (although there are differences) but how you respond to them. A fearful avoidant will withdraw, shut down, escape the situation when triggered to deactivate, the anxious preoccupied will cling on for dear life!
Hi Paulien. I just came across your channel yesterday and I want to say thank you, I have this attachment style and it's very rare to find information and guidance about it which is both respectful and accurate, such as the information you are sharing on your channel. I can definitely relate to this - these are my triggers. I feel icky after accidentally being vulnerable, and I am hypervigilant. I cried doing the EFT exercise in your previous video - I didn't realise how fearful I am of not doing something right. Some triggers for me include emotional manipulation - when I am being emotionally manipulated, when I feel not seen and not heard, when I feel I am being dominated and actually I am triggered by still face, like in that experiment you mentioned. Thank you for sharing what you know so generously, and for your respectful approach to this topic. You are very well spoken and articulate. Keep up the good work 🖤
Really resonate with point 3, I struggle very deeply with sleep and yea, a part of it is because i want to be vigilant. I also realise that I tend to want to withdraw when the other person shows me more love or more connection. I would say i am assertive and passionate in gaining connections, but maintaining connections is hard for me. When i feel like someone I've been loving wants to love me back, i kind of jerk back and get surprised and feel afraid. It makes me want to avoid them but it doesn't stop me from loving them. So i love some people but am afraid of accepting the same LEVEL of love back.
I really appreciate your videos, they clarify so many things for me which have seemed completely incomprehensible. I have the fearful avoidant attachment style and I have been in a long relationship with someone who had a dismissive avoidant attachment style, I think. It has been so impossible to get a clear picture of what was going on in the relationship and why there were so many conflicts, so much fear, so much chaos, so much pain for both of us all the time. It makes me feel so deeply sad to realize how we have triggered each other and how we have done to each other what our parents did to us as children and in this way perpetuated the trauma. I feel so guilty for the way I have behaved and the pain and the stress I have caused him, without even realizing it at the time. When I watch your videos, it gives me hope of healing the attachment style wit EFT, but then on the other hand when I watch some of your videos it seems to me as if you have found a relatively safe and understanding husband and it makes me wonder if the relationship with him perhaps is the thing that has helped you heal, instead of the EFT? And this makes me afraid that the EFT does not really work. I am sorry for writing this, I have no insight what so ever into your relationship with your husband, so my assumption that your ability to heal your attachment style might be in part due to being with him is based on very little information. It is just that I have read so many places that insecure attachment was "caused in an attachment relationship" and therefore must be "healed in an attachment relationship".
Hi Anne! I understand your worries. My husband is indeed safe and understanding and wonderful, and before EFT I really couldn't see that. Him being so safe has definitely helped my healing, but I noticed big differences whenever I healed something using EFT. I still had to decide to be vulnerable, for example. And for the first 7/8 years of our relationship I would get really angry quickly, which has completely vanished after healing. So if the relationship was the only thing that healed me, that would've happened sooner, or not at all. I noticed jumps in feeling better and it being easier to open up and love him while healing with EFT. So even though I understand your worries, I am 100% certain I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for EFT.
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Hi Paulien, thank you so much for your answer. It makes sense to me what you write that your tendency to get really angry quickly only vanished after using EFT, and that it did not disappear on it's own by just being in the relationship with your husband, and therefore that the healing must be due to EFT. And also that you noticed specifically feeling better after using EFT and finding it easier to open up and to love after using it. I can see that you offer courses on your website for healing with EFT. Is it possible to access these courses in English instead of Dutch? Thank you!
Thank you Pauline for these wonderful videos. I’ve learned so much about my ex’s fearful avoidant triggers! He’s dealing with so much pain, trauma from childhood, with a critical father, who is also an alcoholic, and his father’s, betrayal of his mother, and then his own wife cheating on him during her marriage. Can’t understand why he wants to cut ties with someone who wants to offer him love, support, understanding… So frustrating.
Omg the one about feeling dumb is spot on!!!! I'm actually in a rift right now with someone I'm becoming close with where something so simple he sent in a text and after getting severely triggered and shut down - only after a day of reflecting I was able to call it that something about his text felt like him calling me an idiot and that infuriated me. I'm learning sooooo much about myself just from two of your videos (just found this channel. New subscriber lol) but you called it!! I almost cried hearing you say that as the first trigger even! I feel like I need to share this with him. Thank you
Yo ! Paulien! Thank you for describe our behaviour something is like so automatic and self-triggering when realise that im "computing myself" and in self-sabotage behaviour! Thank you so much for sharing your experience, that´s just a beautiful testimony that healing is possible! We can do this! I just felt seen, thank you!
I dated a fearful avoidant not knowing much about attachments. She was very good person and I loved her and still do. She deactivated quickly and dumped me cold as sh@t. Worse heart ache I’ve ever experienced but feel bad for her knowing this now. Hope she can do the work someday to improve her future relationships. Good chance she even monkey branched me as well and I wouldn’t be surprised. Just feel sorry for her losing someone like myself. Would have always been there for her but she forced me to be here for myself.
Wow! You totally hit the nail on the head! This is totally me. I’m a new subscriber and am pretty new to the concept of attachment style. I plan to discuss these 6 points with my therapist this week. Thank you for this content!
Yes, the feeling stupid triggers me deeply. I am at a stage where I ache to be able to be vulnerable with someone and feel like I can't. Moment of connection makes me feel like I am going to die slowly because moment of connection was randomly unsafe instantly or very delayed as a child. It wasn't always immediate but it nearly always ended up in shame. I feel like I am not relaxed 99% of the time. I am definitely anxious leaning but also so many of these things were so in consistently dangerous as a kid that it's hard to recognize now so thank you.
Omg, I cracked up laughing at the 1st example because I have done that. It's so refreshing to know I'm not crazy and that I just simply have a disorganized attachment style and that I can be cured. Lol
The anxious preoccupied aspect of the FA in regards to not wanting to hurt anyone is the people pleasing and avoidance of feeling the emotions of the other is part of AP attachment . FA has both dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied strategies
your video helped me so much my wife puts me rhrough emotional jell because of this style and I've been so hurt by her push aways this at least helps me to better understand
I had no idea about the falling asleep! I hit this overwhelming torpor certain times of the day, but it doesn't always happen so I couldn't find a pattern. No amount of caffiene would help. It's a complete loss of control. I'll nod off in the middle of a sentence. It happens in therapy, it happens after I eat, and it started to happen when my then wife would be talking. The food one baffled me. I'd fall asleep at the table. Then I remembered about how I was deprived of food intermittently when I was a teen, and meal times were always stressful because none of us knew who would be going without a meal. The time after the meal during those times ranged from stressful to terrifying, depending on what was planned for us. I pass out after lunch the most, and the events after lunch were always terrifying. I started falling asleep on my wife while we were going through our divorce. What she'd say was unrelated, but I still would konk out. This is all good info and will definitely help out in therapy.
Timestamps: 2:55 The feeling of being dumb, incapable, or irresponsible 5:08 Feeling vulnerable or weak 10:43 The moment of connection or the moment of deep relaxation 14:43 The possibility of hurting someone else or someone's feelings (can be far into the future) 18:00 Fear of doing or having done something wrong 19:14 Other people getting angry
I left my BF last weekend because of unexplained behaviors as you described. Now reflecting back, I'm thinking he may be FA, and now sorry for not having had this info. to work thru it.
i anticipate endings because i guess somewhere in my subconscious i believe everyone will leave me so i pushed people away and would make people “prove” their love, it’s exhausting and draining to me but i know painful and draining for others involved, i went from an anxious attachment to fearful avoidance after a very traumatic relationship
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. ~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
You were talking about being sick and it made me think about my last relationship. He’s anxiously attached and I’m fearful avoidant. He’d tell me he’s getting sick like every other day. There was always something wrong with him but he was rarely actually sick. It would annoy me and eventually I just stopped reacting completely. It’s hard to react when someone just makes it up. Was he doing it to get sympathy from me? Attention? Cause I’m not very emotional or empathetic. He started the hypochondriac act after we were together for a while.
It can be a way to seek connection! When you've experienced that you would get empathy and understanding when you were younger every time you were sick, and you were craving connection, it is a logical thing to do. But that doesn't mean you HAVE to be empathatic or understanding in these situations. It isn't on you to help or fix this, it is always their own responsibility :)
Omg! I relate to all of those examples, except for the last. If someone gets angry at me, I get triggered and I want to fight. Also, this sounds really strange. I would rather hurt someone physically than hurt their feelings. It makes me feel awful if I hurt anyone’s feelings.
I don’t feel comfortable with being vulnerable with anyone until I really get to know the other person. I just feel comfortable with being single. It’s safe here.
She asked me to help her out on work and getting better. I had to point out some things to make her improve. In a factual neutral way. It was taken as a deep personal insult with no room for talking about it or leaving it behind.
"triggered when thinking about the future and them possibly not being the one, preemptively ending the connection" wow. This. omg.
Same. I always say in my head that I see the end before the beginning... so why even bother.
It is scary true
@@monicareynoso8036 I know how that feels. I say stick it out unless its harming you.
Intuition
Yeppers sounds familiar in a big way!
At the risk of getting something wrong 😜, here are the 6 triggers for reference:
1. The feeling of being dumb, incapable, or irresponsible
2. Feeling vulnerable or weak, physically and mentally
3. A moment of connection or deep relaxation
4. The possibility of hurting someone or someone’s feelings coupled with thinking about uncertainty in the future of a relationship
5. Fear of doing or having done something wrong
6. Other people being angry
WATCH THE VIDEO, STILL!!! The beauty of this video is in the details and examples!
Thank you! So helpful!
When you know a fearful avoidant should you behave in such a way to avoid getting them triggered?
Interesting.
@@djhardcorehengst6356it’s almost impossible. Just leave
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 tbh I've tried and slowed down and listened and it worked (for some colleagues at work)
To all FAs. Get the therapy and help that you deserve - do whatever it takes to get healed because there are people out there that want to love you without the constant roller coaster ride of emotions … I miss my last BF but not the constant drama and heartache of never knowing what trigger I stepped on … it’s impossible to live a calm loving life when you’re always afraid that you might step on a past wound 24/7 😢😢😢
I was devastated when my FA ex dumped me with zero warning or signs whatsoever, 48hrs after the most romantic, intimate night of our time together. I was completely distraught. I’ve never fell harder (or quicker) for a woman than I did this one. She’s the most incredible woman ive ever met in my life, both inside and out and initially, I was really upset while I played the victim and made everything about “me” and my feelings.
About 3 days after she dumped me, she sent me a text opening up a bit more and told me that the therapist she had started seeing 2 weeks before we split, she actually hired to help her find security and leave this FA lifestyle behind; that if her and I stayed together, that our relationship would most definitely have some sort of expiration date and that I’d grow to resent her over time and she couldn’t do that to me. Once I opened my mind up a bit and decided to NOT make this about me and rather read up on and watch videos in regards to FA/DA attachment styles, I felt less and less bad for myself and I found my self feeling more and more for her. She’s the most amazing, incredible, beautiful, hard working, smart, insightful woman I’ve ever met, with a heart the size of Alaska and compassion/empathy unlike anyone I’ve ever met and certainly unlike anyone I’ve dated. It breaks my heart that we don’t get to hold hands and go on walks and do cute things like local fairs/concerts and farmers markets anymore, but it breaks my heart even more knowing the pain she’s dealing with internally because I cannot imagine her doing anything to warrant or deserve any of this.
I’ve kind of accepted the reality that while it’s inevitable that I’ll probably cross paths with her as we live in the same town and run the same trails and live about 1.5mi from each other, I’ll probably never be able to date her again. She’s an extremely successful business woman whose kinda constantly on the move for work and frankly, I’m thankful even for the time her and I spent because I genuinely loved her and I can say that I got to feel a feeling that so many people will never experience. True love is so much different than lust or attachment, like this woman woulda thrown punches alongside me if I got jumped and I know would have worked 2-3 jobs even if she had to in order to pay bills. She’s the textbook example of a “ride or die.”
If nothing else; if I never see her or speak to her or hold her hand or kiss her or see her enamoring gorgeous green eyes, I can at least find some solace in the fact that I know she’s strong and I think she’s going to come out of therapy a better person.
Whoever eventually gets to put a ring on her and spend life with her is legitimately the luckiest man in the universe.
So true. I fell for a man recently with FA traits. I definitely took it personally initially, but now that I found these videos, I realized his attachment wounds were activated. I am anxious attached and healing but the Rollercoaster of feeling wanted and discarded was very heartbreaking. I know he really cared for me but he couldn't get out of this cycle. I hope he gets therapy. He mentioned he wants to work on himself.
Looking dumb, needing certainty, doing something wrong, and other people being angry are my biggest triggers. This will help.
So happy these will help!
I wasn't aware of the number 1 but I totally can see myself deactivating on this. It is like I have to be perfect to be loved.
I relate completely
@@johnsegura1093 me2
Yes. You explained that perfectly.🤜🏼
Yep, it’s exhausting :(
@@JuliaShalomJordann
4 is what hit me the hardest. I wanted to know that she was the one, that we wouldn't get 4 years into it and one of us hurt the other. I doubted my feelings, I over analyzed everything, but most importantly I didnt tell her anything. I didnt work together on it. And I pushed her away, and now that I see what I was doing I've lost her. I wish I found this video before :/
The oversharing when experiencing vulnerability is so on point! I find I do the same thing and then retreat like a big old weirdo. I hate that icky feeling of knowing I said too much. The worst! I never realized it was a symptom of my FA style. Thank you, love your content, been learning a lot about attachment styles and you have a unique approach.❤️👍
Hi! When this happens and you’re the person on the other end, would you want them to give you space to process and then feel safe to come back or after a few weeks for the other person to reach out very briefly and casually just so you know they care and you can feel safe with them?
As anxious I do it too. Even telling good friends I trust some personal stuff makes me feel guilty and shameful later on.
This is me.. I talk too much too soon smh because it stems from acceptance. No one accepted me ever and my new partner didn’t either but claims he does now.. now he uses what I told him in vulnerable moments against me thinking I’m doing x, y, z..
This video is really bringing home how EVERY SINGLE PART of my life is a minefield of triggers. It’s so exhausting and frustrating and right now I feel so angry and hopeless about it.
Even though this was an old video, I've never felt more understood. It's not just buzzwords or surface-level explanation you see all the time. I'm so glad I found your channel.
Found this channel a long time ago but it has helped immensely. I wish you well on your journey
I was in.....kind of in a relationship with a woman who reacts/behaves in everything you said. Right from #1 she's said to me "I fell like you think I'm dumb" when its the complete opposite, i think she's incredibly intelligent and tell her so all the time. Ever time we start to connect deeply she pushes away. The anger part, so many times ive just been sitting there watching tv/reading something and she reacts like I'm angry and im sitting there going "What just happened? What did i miss?" It's like you made a video describing her.
Hahaha omg wow I relate so much to the last point about them thinking you’re angry whilst just sitting there minding my business
Two triggers of mine are: perceiving the threat of being left + feeling relaxed and stable
I know you probably don't want pity but I'm sorry you have these triggers. My partner is an FA and can tell it weighs heavy on him sometimes. I just want him to be happy and healthy :)
I definitely resonated with your story of over sharing and feeling icky and so sick afterwards. I’ve done that to a friend I haven’t seen in awhile, and a tutor that I met for the first time. I have not returned to tutoring since 😂 and the part about feeling afraid of the future with a partner. I feel so not alone to know this is normal for fearful avoidants.
I can relate to all of these. Getting flashbacks to so many situations with these triggers. I handle triggers by pulling away and people pleasing.
Yes and I can imagine the combination of using both pulling away and people pleasing is super confusing, but it's very characteristic for the fearful avoidant! I hope it helps you see that it makes sense :)
Oh my gosh. Me toooo.🤯
I feel heard today. Watching this at 6:30 in the morning because my mind won't simply let me sleep. Thanks for sharing all this ❤️
I just learned my Attachment style about a week ago. Since then I've been reading and binge watching as much as I can, because my entire life I thought my weird reaction to being 'triggered' was because I hate conflict, lowself worth, childhood and relationship trauma, c-ptsd, etc. Yes, I see, it is all that and more. Some people talking about these styles skip the Fearful Avoidant altogether. Or they are so wordy analytical, and its like, omg, FA should avoid relationships at all costs because their wounds are too tainting, and they put their wounds above everyone else. Ugh! I'm an HSP, loving, kind, compassionate, love to research, improve myself, and grow. I am not my wounds or attachment style 24/7, only when I'm triggered hard. I'm in that crash state right now, and thank God I found out about my style and can do something about it. You have explained things in a way that speaks to me, and I appreciate it, so very much. Edit: omg, i had no idea about these triggers, but number 1 for sure. I would like to add one more to this list, partner asking for a break, not giving a time frame. Necessary or not, it crashed me hard.
Ur comment made me cry, thank you for sharing
You don’t even know what a godsend you have been to me these past three days since I found your channel the day of a breakup. I knew something what wrong with me because I kept seeing patterns in myself but didn’t know how to fix it. You’ve given me so much hope that I can heal myself.
Any update on your healing?
Amen. I feel the same way. I’m so glad I found this channel too. It gives me hope that I can climb out of this!
Feeling dumb incapable or irresponsible.
Feeling vulnerable or (mainly) weak.
Hurting someone’s feelings in the future if I decide they are not the one.
This video was amazing. I can’t believe the very straightforward way that you presented these simple but super powerful revelations. SO helpful. Thank you
Your videos have been an absolute revelation for me! Just binge watching them now as they make so much sense to me. In all my years of different types of therapy, medicating myself, doubting myself and trying to heal I’ve never actually come across this term 😮All these points hit home! So happy to have something to work on now! Genuinely-Thanks for your work!
So happy to hear! How are you now?
Could you make a video of how to help a partner with this attachment style and how to help them heal and so on?
I agree with all these triggers. As a true sigma male, I love my autonomy and freedom and have always trusted myself as the only one who can solve my problems. However, I do have some bizarre behaviours I could never explain. My family will tell you I am uniquely different.
I have experienced various similar triggers in the past that have affected me over the last 60 years.
Some examples include:
1. Feeling overwhelmed when someone unexpectedly hugs or tries to kiss you.
2. Being hypervigilant and overanalysing people in crowded rooms leading to mental and physical exhaustion.
3. Having trouble sleeping, especially if the window is open on a hot summer day.
4. Blanking out when speaking to a large audience. (Interestingly, I go on autopilot and speak coherently, but I can't remember what I've said.)
5. I stare people down in a very threatening manner when over-provoked or when my boundaries are crossed (Owl Eyes is extremely scary; even at 5 ft 8, I will take on anyone).
However, I recently encountered a trigger that aroused deep emotions and feelings. The thing is that I didn't even know this trigger existed. I was under extreme pressure at work and in the early stages of a relationship with someone exhibiting dismissive-avoidant behaviour. They pulled away as DA tend to do, and I approached them to find out what was wrong. Their disapproving look triggered memories of my mother's disapproval from my childhood, flooding my mind with emotions (emotional quicksand) and led me to experience a freeze response. (The Abandonment Trigger) When I went home, I realised that this incident had brought back memories of past abuse by a neighbour, something I had suppressed for years. I had to take a week off work and had a complete mental breakdown. It was at this point that I discovered I was dealing with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which shed light on years of unexplained behaviours and challenges in my life-all the years of doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, remedial learning, anger management, and unexplained behaviours made sense. The funny thing is most of my immediate family could have told me this but didn’t!!. This journey of self-discovery has been both challenging and enlightening. Now, I know I’m working towards a more normal attachment style.
i recognized the patterns but i didn't know how to approach them, but wow! feels good to be understood
I totally have the “I am dumb” core wound/trigger… it appears with my partner just as you said it… you are spot on!
You digged deep into traumas I never knew they existed before !
Thanks for helping us make the subconscious Conscious 💚
OMG, I am in love with a beautiful fearful avoidant just like you - thank you so much for sharing ❤
Thank you for being here❤
1:16 This is the exact reason I am here. I fell down the anxious thoughts rabbit hole.
Edit: Holy cow ... Almost all of these triggers have happened to me today ALONE!! It ended up with me locking myself in the closet and quietly sobbing and thinking "this is what dumb, ugly, fat 12 year old me did. And here I am almost a decade later, still the same but only my age changed." I cried for a good 30 minutes then just shut down for another hour before asking my partner to hold me and tell me everything is/will be ok.
I can't believe that your channel came out of nowhere when i had to spend a whole day crying and willing to dumb my boyfriend for no reason i finally understand my self I've watched several videos of this and i think it became more easier to heal. Thank you so much
This has been the most helpful video I’ve watched on this subject! So many lightbulbs and ah ha moments. Thank you so much!
Mmmh thank you for this information, I have been married twice and divorced. It got to a point where I believed I was not meant for love because I failed to understand myself, why I have so much anger that just erupts out of nowhere, mood swings, from overly hot to overly cold😭 in an instant.
Discovering about attachment theory is a blessing and locating my specific style is a cherry on top. Whilst I used to believe I was anxiously attached upon further research I can safely say I am certain that I’m an FA.
May we all heal and hopefully meet the partners who will be willing to do the work as well in order to build healthy relationships.
This was EXTREMELY helpful. I get super trigger when my partner needs more affirmations about commitment and our future. We're trying to recover from an almost breakup so being an FA is REALLY not helping.
My FA ex told me there’s something missing romantically in our relationship, everything else is amazing though. Now I think because I want commitment and marriage in 2 years. That probably was why he cut it clean and be very cold all of the sudden after a year.
@@tamtrac2926 Avoidants usually never tells that he is missing something, weird.
@@bapr3887 I heard fearful avoidant usually act on their emotions, and breakup out of the blue. There’s something missing romantically, he said he doesn’t know why or what it is, but the feeling doesn’t change. He said I treated him better than anyone ever has, and wanted to stay friends (which FA usually do). I know He is a FA because he is emotionally unavailable, doesn’t communicates, shut down constantly when things get vulnerable, no transparency from his side but he wants it from my side constantly. He is super affectionate, touchy and a people pleaser, wants connections but not commitment.
My FA ex was very vulnerable with me during our first few dates. I thought wow he is able to be so vulnerable and honest and really let me in and I was really impressed by that and saw that as such a good trait. I see it as that’s still in him it was true when he was showing it but he slowly got fear and put the walls up but it’s still there needing to come out again waiting maybe for them to feel they can.
I love hearing about your personal stories. Its so very helpful. It makes the content more alive and less text book info. Thankyou for delivering this information with such heart and a clear desire to help others
Thank you for the arm stroking story, that helps me understand FAs better
I wake up in the wrong mode often. Full of fear. And I may have a miserable day for that..
It is surprising you mentioned deep relaxation, sleeping can be trigger. It makes sense finally 😮
It’s so helpful to be able to identify my triggers and when I’m in a crash state! Thank you very much for making this video, you’re helping a lot of folks out here trying to become secure :) greetings from Mexico
I’ve been dating this guy for 6 months and although I don’t have nearly the same amount of anxiety like I did around the beginning when I first started deactivating, I feel like I’m noticeably getting “triggered” and annoyed by more and more things at this point and it makes me lose attraction on a regular basis where I’m questioning that maybe I just don’t like this guy as much as I thought I did. But on paper he’s pretty much everything I’ve been looking for. We hung out all day yesterday and ended up having a brief convo about the future and like we have the same vision and values for what we want but I felt nothing during that conversation. Almost felt like I was discussing plans with a stranger. And I was pretty much deactivated all day but during that convo especially I was like how am I talking about the future with someone I feel nothing for. Like I didn’t lie during the convo cause we weren’t talking about feelings, but I felt no emotion behind thinking of any of this potential future with him, even tho he was saying the “right things” or we were agreeing. It was very weird and I felt bad.
Just found out I’m FA! I’ve always had trouble with trusting in romantic relationships, over giving in friendships and inability to recognize my feelings and speak up for myself. When I found out it was all linked I was relieved. I’m usually single, but I’ve decided to stay single and not pursue any romantic relationship until I heal my FA. In romantic situations I usually get triggered almost immediately and with friendships I have patterns of codependency and then harsh resentment. I think this all stems from my ADD.
Any update on your healing?
@@FM-zg5hz I started therapy a few months ago! It’s been pretty good so far. Learning different things about the connection between anxiety and avoidance!!!
@@FM-zg5hz thank you for asking, internet stranger!!! It means a lot 💕
Hey, I am also FA, has Therapy really helped you? I am wondering if i should give it a try. 🤔
@@ema13p it helped a LOT. I’m now on my 2nd romantic relationship where I’m securely attached and I’ve been able to set better boundaries with people in my inner circle
paulien, i cried when listenjng, feel like somebody finally understand and my feelings are not disregarded and unreasonable like everyone else said :( thank you
This was so helpful. I didn’t know my attachment style until my niece who lived with me for a year brought it up. All of the triggers you mentioned are mine but I never saw it or understood why I get so pissed over seemingly nothing…. The one that hit most is connection. I have been married for 27 years to a faithful, trustworthy man and when we connect very deeply and intimately (which took years), I cry/weep. I have always hid it from him, and I try to quickly gather all my emotions and stuff them back down. I never understood why that would happen to me until now. Thanks for this explanation. I am looking forward to watching your other video on how to heal this!
Trigger number 1 hits the nail on the head, it's like night and day. One minute you're fine the next you're spinning out of control. It's one of the things that causes me to overreact. Do you have any tools you use to navigate this situation so as to avoid the deactivation? You're also not wrong about the oversharing and the guilt that comes after. Pretty sure I exhibit all of these to varying degrees and intensity
What I used to do was retreat to a place where I could be alone to deal with the really intense emotions. I would communicate that to Arjen (my husband) in whatever way I could. When I couldn't speak, which sometimes happened, we had a hand gesture so he'd know I had to retreat and deal with the emotions. Hope that helps!
This! when she commits I tend to focus on little details like, her head looks so big or her nose looks weird to just detach from her in the moment when i feel emotional connection towards her. But when she starts to distance herself I think she is the most gorgeous person I have ever seen and get scared to loose her., even after break up for longs periods of time. Thank you for sharing and explaining this mess that I feel everytime when dating !
I know it's been a while but could you still make a video about crash states? The information you share has been so helpful, thank you!
Thank you very much for the video. I'm really happy to find this! I have been struggling my entire life with "something I didn't even know what that was" and finally figured out my attachment style very recently. Thanks so much for all the details now I know why I had those negative uncontrollable, uncomfortable feelings. One step closer to healing ^^
You might have already done this but can you write a book please? This channel is so helpful and I would LOVE to have a book about this written by you. Thank you so much for sharing!!
I never thought about the vulnerability of sleep. Makes so much now!! Thank you
I am so grateful I found your content. But I'm also deeply sad that I didn't find this years earlier. Might have saved me from a lot of grief, confusion, fear, and loss that I'm currently suffering with today. Might have also saved my past relationship. Glad I can start now though.
I didn’t know about crash state. Never heard of it! Also love the examples. Usually the examples people give are so extreme - these I can relate to better.
I feel so blessed to have found your video. Those are all my triggers in relationships that started greatly but I ran out of them. The question is - how to heal this now.
every 6 seconds yew literally described my entire life thank yew for posting this
Holy moly. I wasn't expecting to learn something new here... as I feel I have watched so many of these videos before. But, you have definitely pointed out a few new things for me, and triggers that I JUST figured out for myself in the last week. Whilst talking to a guy online about childhood trauma and being an FA, I was completely triggered by something he said. I had to do a LOT of deep introspection to figure out what was going on and making me deactivate, and I came to the conclusion that I felt I had wronged him, or was about to wrong him..... which made me feel AWFUL inside. I got sharp shooting pains to my chest about 20 times over. I then felt an overwhelming sense of stupidity that I had shared so many personal things with him. It's funny, because I normally would have associated those sharp shooting pains with terror (like when someone goes from being nice to instantly mean), but now I see I also get them if I feel I've wronged someone. I feel I always have to people please. And I always have to be perfect. I have since completely pushed this person away... feeling he is way too good for me. I really need to figure out how to heal. Tired of these wounds ruining every romantic relationship.
This. I needed this.❤
This wasn't an eyeopener, just eyeopener, that was epiphany! 🤗🥰 all of the 6 triggers are pretty often the case in my relationship with my FA man, and we knew a few things already, but mostly we weren't connecting it to "just being" fearfully attached. Now it make sense a lot more. For me to better understand him to be able to respond more compasonate in those moments, and for him to finnaly be able to believe me that I wasn't or am not feeling angry with him. I'm very acceptionating (even in my teenage son's eyes 😉) but my man didn't believe me, especially in tensed momments... till now thanks to you 🤗 thank you a lot
Thank you so much for these teachings, they are really opening up my eyes to things I have been clueless of and it's helping me get a lot of understanding of myself and those around me. God bless you.
I always attributed this stuff to narcissism or dating narcissists.. it sounds a lot like it. But I never knew the core reasons for my issues and this helps a lot
Thank you so much for this video! I've always thought I had an anxious attachment style but it seems that I'm clearly triggered by the things you described
I have many of the same triggers as an anxious attached type. I relate to SO much in these videos, I think that makes sense as fearful avoidants have a lot of fear (hence the name!) as do anxious types, and from watching these videos it seems that the fears and triggers can be the same for both...what differs is how you react to those fears. A fearful avoidant often deactivates (although they may activate too, this is why it is sometimes called the 'disorganized' attachment style as there is both push and pull happening which can feel incredibly confusing for both parties.) An anxious preoccupied, on the other hand, will almost always activate (try to pull the person closer, becoming clingy and 'needy'). This seems to be the key difference it seems to me, not so much the fears (although there are differences) but how you respond to them. A fearful avoidant will withdraw, shut down, escape the situation when triggered to deactivate, the anxious preoccupied will cling on for dear life!
Hi Paulien. I just came across your channel yesterday and I want to say thank you, I have this attachment style and it's very rare to find information and guidance about it which is both respectful and accurate, such as the information you are sharing on your channel. I can definitely relate to this - these are my triggers. I feel icky after accidentally being vulnerable, and I am hypervigilant. I cried doing the EFT exercise in your previous video - I didn't realise how fearful I am of not doing something right. Some triggers for me include emotional manipulation - when I am being emotionally manipulated, when I feel not seen and not heard, when I feel I am being dominated and actually I am triggered by still face, like in that experiment you mentioned.
Thank you for sharing what you know so generously, and for your respectful approach to this topic. You are very well spoken and articulate. Keep up the good work 🖤
Thank you so much, I'm so happy you're here!!
Really resonate with point 3, I struggle very deeply with sleep and yea, a part of it is because i want to be vigilant.
I also realise that I tend to want to withdraw when the other person shows me more love or more connection. I would say i am assertive and passionate in gaining connections, but maintaining connections is hard for me. When i feel like someone I've been loving wants to love me back, i kind of jerk back and get surprised and feel afraid. It makes me want to avoid them but it doesn't stop me from loving them. So i love some people but am afraid of accepting the same LEVEL of love back.
I really appreciate your videos, they clarify so many things for me which have seemed completely incomprehensible. I have the fearful avoidant attachment style and I have been in a long relationship with someone who had a dismissive avoidant attachment style, I think.
It has been so impossible to get a clear picture of what was going on in the relationship and why there were so many conflicts, so much fear, so much chaos, so much pain for both of us all the time. It makes me feel so deeply sad to realize how we have triggered each other and how we have done to each other what our parents did to us as children and in this way perpetuated the trauma. I feel so guilty for the way I have behaved and the pain and the stress I have caused him, without even realizing it at the time.
When I watch your videos, it gives me hope of healing the attachment style wit EFT, but then on the other hand when I watch some of your videos it seems to me as if you have found a relatively safe and understanding husband and it makes me wonder if the relationship with him perhaps is the thing that has helped you heal, instead of the EFT? And this makes me afraid that the EFT does not really work.
I am sorry for writing this, I have no insight what so ever into your relationship with your husband, so my assumption that your ability to heal your attachment style might be in part due to being with him is based on very little information. It is just that I have read so many places that insecure attachment was "caused in an attachment relationship" and therefore must be "healed in an attachment relationship".
Hi Anne! I understand your worries. My husband is indeed safe and understanding and wonderful, and before EFT I really couldn't see that. Him being so safe has definitely helped my healing, but I noticed big differences whenever I healed something using EFT. I still had to decide to be vulnerable, for example. And for the first 7/8 years of our relationship I would get really angry quickly, which has completely vanished after healing. So if the relationship was the only thing that healed me, that would've happened sooner, or not at all. I noticed jumps in feeling better and it being easier to open up and love him while healing with EFT. So even though I understand your worries, I am 100% certain I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for EFT.
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Hi Paulien, thank you so much for your answer. It makes sense to me what you write that your tendency to get really angry quickly only vanished after using EFT, and that it did not disappear on it's own by just being in the relationship with your husband, and therefore that the healing must be due to EFT. And also that you noticed specifically feeling better after using EFT and finding it easier to open up and to love after using it.
I can see that you offer courses on your website for healing with EFT. Is it possible to access these courses in English instead of Dutch? Thank you!
Great video. Thank you
Thank you Pauline for these wonderful videos. I’ve learned so much about my ex’s fearful avoidant triggers! He’s dealing with so much pain, trauma from childhood, with a critical father, who is also an alcoholic, and his father’s, betrayal of his mother, and then his own wife cheating on him during her marriage. Can’t understand why he wants to cut ties with someone who wants to offer him love, support, understanding… So frustrating.
damn these examples are very specific I feel so understood!!
I'm so happy!!
Omg the one about feeling dumb is spot on!!!! I'm actually in a rift right now with someone I'm becoming close with where something so simple he sent in a text and after getting severely triggered and shut down - only after a day of reflecting I was able to call it that something about his text felt like him calling me an idiot and that infuriated me. I'm learning sooooo much about myself just from two of your videos (just found this channel. New subscriber lol) but you called it!! I almost cried hearing you say that as the first trigger even! I feel like I need to share this with him. Thank you
Wow this was so enlightening! Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video.
Happy to hear this was valuable to you!!❤
Yo ! Paulien! Thank you for describe our behaviour something is like so automatic and self-triggering when realise that im "computing myself" and in self-sabotage behaviour! Thank you so much for sharing your experience, that´s just a beautiful testimony that healing is possible! We can do this! I just felt seen, thank you!
I dated a fearful avoidant not knowing much about attachments. She was very good person and I loved her and still do. She deactivated quickly and dumped me cold as sh@t. Worse heart ache I’ve ever experienced but feel bad for her knowing this now. Hope she can do the work someday to improve her future relationships. Good chance she even monkey branched me as well and I wouldn’t be surprised. Just feel sorry for her losing someone like myself. Would have always been there for her but she forced me to be here for myself.
So so good sister!
This is so spot on and helpful. Thank you.
This answers so many freaking questions! 😭
Thats great to hear!!❤
Can someone explain why I relate to this young lady so much? I feel you, you know?!
You have been such a great help 🙂
You said my entire life. Wow.
Wow! You totally hit the nail on the head! This is totally me. I’m a new subscriber and am pretty new to the concept of attachment style. I plan to discuss these 6 points with my therapist this week. Thank you for this content!
Great video! Very informative and relatable. Thank you!!
Yes, the feeling stupid triggers me deeply. I am at a stage where I ache to be able to be vulnerable with someone and feel like I can't. Moment of connection makes me feel like I am going to die slowly because moment of connection was randomly unsafe instantly or very delayed as a child. It wasn't always immediate but it nearly always ended up in shame. I feel like I am not relaxed 99% of the time. I am definitely anxious leaning but also so many of these things were so in consistently dangerous as a kid that it's hard to recognize now so thank you.
Omg, I cracked up laughing at the 1st example because I have done that. It's so refreshing to know I'm not crazy and that I just simply have a disorganized attachment style and that I can be cured. Lol
The anxious preoccupied aspect of the FA in regards to not wanting to hurt anyone is the people pleasing and avoidance of feeling the emotions of the other is part of AP attachment . FA has both dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied strategies
Learned much,thankyou
Wow I can COMPLETELY relate 😢
Fantastic video ! Thank you ❤
So true about the number one thing.
Very insightful ⭐
That's great to hear!!❤
This is more true than I need it to be 😭
❤
Checking yes to all these triggers 🙈🙈😮💨
I LOVE YOUR VIDEOS !!!
your video helped me so much my wife puts me rhrough emotional jell because of this style and I've been so hurt by her push aways this at least helps me to better understand
I had no idea about the falling asleep! I hit this overwhelming torpor certain times of the day, but it doesn't always happen so I couldn't find a pattern. No amount of caffiene would help. It's a complete loss of control. I'll nod off in the middle of a sentence.
It happens in therapy, it happens after I eat, and it started to happen when my then wife would be talking.
The food one baffled me. I'd fall asleep at the table. Then I remembered about how I was deprived of food intermittently when I was a teen, and meal times were always stressful because none of us knew who would be going without a meal. The time after the meal during those times ranged from stressful to terrifying, depending on what was planned for us. I pass out after lunch the most, and the events after lunch were always terrifying.
I started falling asleep on my wife while we were going through our divorce. What she'd say was unrelated, but I still would konk out.
This is all good info and will definitely help out in therapy.
Timestamps:
2:55 The feeling of being dumb, incapable, or irresponsible
5:08 Feeling vulnerable or weak
10:43 The moment of connection or the moment of deep relaxation
14:43 The possibility of hurting someone else or someone's feelings (can be far into the future)
18:00 Fear of doing or having done something wrong
19:14 Other people getting angry
U help me so much.
Can you make a video how to date a fearful avoidant, what can I do for a person, how to behave with this person how can I help? Thank you.
the sleep thing is so so so real
I left my BF last weekend because of unexplained behaviors as you described. Now reflecting back, I'm thinking he may be FA, and now sorry for not having had this info. to work thru it.
i anticipate endings because i guess somewhere in my subconscious i believe everyone will leave me so i pushed people away and would make people “prove” their love, it’s exhausting and draining to me but i know painful and draining for others involved, i went from an anxious attachment to fearful avoidance after a very traumatic relationship
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. ~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
You were talking about being sick and it made me think about my last relationship. He’s anxiously attached and I’m fearful avoidant. He’d tell me he’s getting sick like every other day. There was always something wrong with him but he was rarely actually sick. It would annoy me and eventually I just stopped reacting completely. It’s hard to react when someone just makes it up. Was he doing it to get sympathy from me? Attention? Cause I’m not very emotional or empathetic. He started the hypochondriac act after we were together for a while.
It can be a way to seek connection! When you've experienced that you would get empathy and understanding when you were younger every time you were sick, and you were craving connection, it is a logical thing to do. But that doesn't mean you HAVE to be empathatic or understanding in these situations. It isn't on you to help or fix this, it is always their own responsibility :)
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 that makes sense! Thank you for replying. I love your videos!
OMg my ex was like this too!
Omg! I relate to all of those examples, except for the last. If someone gets angry at me, I get triggered and I want to fight. Also, this sounds really strange. I would rather hurt someone physically than hurt their feelings. It makes me feel awful if I hurt anyone’s feelings.
Thank you for sharing your experience❤
I don’t feel comfortable with being vulnerable with anyone until I really get to know the other person. I just feel comfortable with being single. It’s safe here.
Can you do a video on the difference between FA attachment style and narcissism?
Omg the one of feeling dumb, that’s exactly what I have been saying the past week! Im so dumb
I'm avoidant and had no idea.
She asked me to help her out on work and getting better. I had to point out some things to make her improve. In a factual neutral way. It was taken as a deep personal insult with no room for talking about it or leaving it behind.
My partner is FA. Would love to see a video on Crash States