The weirdest thing I’ve had to work through while learning to move from disorganized to secure attachment is that the feeling of safety itself is a trigger. Feeling safe is amazing for a while…but when the safety doesn’t go away I feel like I must be missing a red flag. It’s exhausting.
@@rockavibe I’m still very much a work in progress, but I’m happy to share what has been working for me. A lot of the somatic nervous system regulation practices that most people advocate for seem to help in the moment but make things worse for me in the long run (again, because my brain thinks a regulated nervous system is a sure sign that disaster is about to strike). So most of my work is on reparenting myself. First, I let myself fully grieve for my younger self who learned that safety is always temporary and protection is a lie. And I have long conversations with my inner child when I notice that she is feeling activated. These look like, “Hey, it seems like you’re feeling triggered. I’m so sorry you’re not feeling safe. What is coming up for you right now?” And then I listen and affirm her feelings without trying to change them. After holding space for her for a while, I move to “what if” affirmations. (I love these because they bypass the part of my brain that thinks the future has to look like the past). So the conversation becomes, “what if it is safe for you to feel safe in this relationship? What if it was safe to relax with them? What if their love is unconditional?” And then I listen to all the reasons my inner child thinks that can’t be true and come back to, “but what if it is? What would that feel like?” (Spoiler: it’s an uncomfortable process). Another, necessary, part of the work is learning to trust myself. Learning that even when I experience hurt and disappointment in relationships, I am capable of being my own safe space, picking up the pieces, and moving forward without rushing into a new connection or isolating myself. (Something I’ve noticed is that most of us trying to move from Fearful-Avoidant to Secure attachment get there by way of healing the anxious OR avoidant sides of the equation first, thereby becoming predominantly Anxious or Dismissive-Avoidant before getting to Secure-though I don’t know if it *has* to go that way). This part of the work is more about demonstrating to myself that I can be my own most loyal advocate. That I keep my word to myself, honor my own boundaries-even at the cost of my relationships, and that my self-care practices are practical (did I drink enough water today?) and not just indulgent (bubble baths are also amazing). The final piece is that when I *do* feel safe in a connection, I try to practice radical honesty. Just saying, “hey, thank you for being a safe space for me. I’m having a hard time trusting this and I’m working on [insert thing here]. It would be really helpful if you could [do this thing] but if you’re not available for that, I understand.” It can be really easy to try to hold other people responsible for being the thing we need that our caregiver(s) failed to provide but that’s not really their job, and their unwillingness/inability to do that doesn’t make them an unfit companion, necessarily. (This is where I struggle the most, TBH). Ideally, we find the people who are secure enough to meet us where we’re at and hold this kind of space for us. OK, this is long, but I hope it helps.
Early trauma and attachment wounding has shaped the way I relate to others. I haven’t been able to have a healthy relationship my entire life. Now I am focusing on trauma work and self acceptance.
I think my dorsal vagal shutdown/Disorganized att. developed because of the alcoholism of my mother. She was kind and supportive but also threatened to put me into childrens home, stomped drunk into my room at night, sometimes took away my phone or room key, feel asleep drunk in the kitchen. When drunk she could also be very intrusive and tried to make me talk about feelings (i didn't do it and that made her cry) - she had so many emotional explosions. She often tried to blame me for her problems. She probably still is a functional alcoholic and tends to have tantrums when I don't aswer her text messages within an hour or two. I'm so glad that I have my own apartment - lots of time for me in a calm place🧸 Isolation is peace for me but I also feel lonely sometimes. Thats when I used to get attracted to assholes that were confident and made me feel special. I let myself get used by them and of course that made me feel unappreciated and ghosted me. Now I understand that I need to be more careful and scan peoples behaviour for a few months. I hope one day I have better trust capacity for those that truely deserve my attention.
“Isolation is peace for me but I also feel lonely sometimes” yup I feel that deeply, like you need distance but also desire connection at the same time. There’s no winning with this attachment style 😭
Its crazy you uploaded this now because I was just thinking about this attachment style last night. One key part of my experience with it is that I'm prone to angry outburts if I feel ignored, misunderstood, or judged. It sets something off in me that I have a hard time controlling.
Sometimes the resentment tank builds because we expect others to know what we need or understand us without explaining. Disorganized tend to not speak up for their needs or think they are worhty of needs. I think the outbursts might subside if you communicate to the other person what you are needing.
Unless it is a trauma response. Anger can sometimes be a sign of repressed shame and humiliation, and could also come from that childhood trauma wound.
This is me. I'm at a point now where I am giving myself the care I never got, getting my life together and trying to heal. But now I am attracted to no one. It's like I was attracted to all these meth addicts, cheaters, and people who were as incapable of holding it together as I was, and now that I am healing I'm in a weird place where I genuinely don't feel attracted to my old flames or people like them, but I also don't know yet how to do a healthy relationship or what even to look for.
The fact that you've made progress and are not attracted to those kinds of people anymore is amazing! But I'm sorry you've felt lost about healthy relationships recently. Hang in there! I'm sure as you continue to heal and progress things will change. 😊 Keep up the good work!
I am in the same place. For now content to stay single until I have had more time to heal. I think after having multiple toxic relationships it’s so important not to feel like we HAVE to have a relationship right away again. Even if we do yearn for the connection. Build up your platonic relationships and support network in the meantime. The number one thing for me has been reminding myself what God wants for me, how he wants me to be treated, so even when I’m naturally inclined to accept poor treatment, I won’t. A priest told me if it looks like manipulation on control… that’s not from God. When I do look for a relationship again, I plan to move SLOW.
I grew up this way., my mom was an alcoholic. I was the youngest and I felt responsible for managing her emotions cause she would take it out on my older siblings otherwise. As I'm learning to be more securely attached, I can't help but notice that people still have to do a lot to earn my trust. If a conversation feels like it's going to become intense, my brain dissociates without my permission and I shut down and can't speak and think rationally. This enabled a people pleasing tendency in me and most things became performative and I always felt like an outsider and that no one would ever see me for who I truly am because it's safer that way. I spend a lot of time alone now, and I'm okay with it. I understand that I should be more involved in a community, but my autism burnout is real and I get so tired. I'm taking baby steps though by finding accommodations that work for me and learning more about self discipline and how to implement it better in my life.
You're not alone in those struggles or feelings ❤❤❤ I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say except, I literally understand your pain. Hugs of compassion from afar ...🤗
Choosing unstable partners bc I feel comfortable and know how to function in that type of relationship....overlooking red flags.......WOW. Mind-blowing insight.
This just made me cry. How do we heal from this without having someone who wants to be there for us? I’ve seen so many therapists and even they don’t have the capacity to help because their professional boundaries create a cold distance, and frankly I don’t think they have enough love for the client to understand the seriousness and depth of disorganized attachment. They can’t even stay ‘on’ and focused for the entire session. My partner trashes me for being afraid of closeness because it hurts him and he feels rejected. However, he’s not willing to do what I’ve asked of him to help me feel safer. What is there to do? I’ve always desired a relationship where we can heal together, though compassion and love, taking turns holding space for one another and doing our individual work along the way. How do we heal relationship wounds like disorganized attachment outside the context of relationships? In relationship with ourselves and being safe and stable and present for ourselves? And feeling the push and pull dynamic within ourselves and allowing it to resolve? And touching down on the profound fear we hold, should it finally rise to the surface? It seems doable, but honestly it is sad to not be able to do this with another person. Sometimes I just wish someone else cared enough to want to do this for me. Thanks for letting me post my rant :) good luck everyone. ❤
I used to cope up with God as my 24×7 imaginary friend when I was a child. Used to carry around in my pocket a little baby figurine of him and involve him in everything and talk to him like a sibling. It still works today. Also writing in a diary helps. Been doing that since I was a teen. These bring some momentary stability although this video has helped clear a lot. A lot of conscious work is needed trying to heal that inner child. Some triggers make us go back to those reactions, separating ourselves as that child and replacing ourselves as the caring adult who was never available to that child sort of helps.
I notice I'm more anxious with romantic relationships. I craved them when I was younger and picked terrible people, had trouble ending things, always wanting to try to fix things. But overall I think for having disorganized attachment I was actually fairly heathly as I started to get older. But I do still feel anxious and the idea of being trusting and vulnerable is very scary still. I will say in friendships I'm much more avoidant. Like I want friends, good friends. But then it seems like someone wants to hang out and become friends and 85% of the time maybe I suddenly feel suffocated and I avoid them and not push them away but let them go. And then I feel I guess, safer? Nothing has changed and that is safe. That's still something I'm trying to work on as well. I just learned this is the attachment style I have and it is kind of intimidating because I kept reading how it's the hardest style to overcome. But very much want to work on it!
Me too, I want healthy and productive friendships but the idea of starting a friendship is scary and overwhelming Getting to know someone? No thanks. Seems like a waste of time because I feel like they will turn out to be awful. So I just avoid getting close to anyone.
I resonate with disorganized attachment, and my partner is avoidant attachment style.. We had many hard times through our relationship but we managed to stay together and now we learn about ouselfs day by day. I have this feeling that each next year is better and better for us. It makes my feel more secure, helps with changes. Thank you❤
I saw you updated and dropped everything Edit: I'm glad I did. I do these things. Like I can't have romantic relationships, and until I work on it because I have known that I have issues with romantic relationships for a while, I've decided not to. I feel like I've hurt and let down some of my exes because of this, and I don't want to hurt anyone else. I do pretty well with making and keeping friends. I hate feeling left out, and since most of my friends have known each other longer than me, I can feel that sting of exclusion when they talk about things that happened ages ago that I wasn't there for, but I love them and can eventually steer the subject elsewhere. My father has always been scary as he is a huge, strong, and hairy bear of a man who constantly yells because he's mostly deaf; he could be happy one minute then angry the next for the most minor things; it was never anything significant it was always small mistake example missing a spot on the counter, he would always yell until my sister, or I would cry then send us away for a bit until he apologized then it be calm for however long, there are still many things I haven't forgiven him for, but he's calmed down a lot as he's gotten older. My sister and I moved out, she has a family now, and my father is not terrible I promise he wasn't a perfect father but he's a great grandfather not that he's perfect at that either but who is perfect. Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk lol
When an abusive person actually does something good or nice… it creates anxiety & confusion & emotions you don’t understand…. & you are worried about how long it will last… waiting for the ugly abuse cycle to repeat later
Hi Dr. LePera. I've recently gotten sober through AA and NA and your videos are helping me in a massive way. I especially love your shorts, I learn new things throughout the day. Thank you so much! ❤
I almost cried watching this. I'm in therapy & will bring this up with my provider. Because this shows up in my friendships as well as romantic relationships. The way I grew up, it's a wonder I never developed a drug or alcohol addiction.
You way of explaining this - yes. As someone who is done a lot of work over the years and listen to many people you have something about the way you present it feels more, well, holistic- described me to a T. Looks like I found someone at the age of 59 that is secure and stable and has none of those characteristics. It has taken a while to get here. The way you’re talking about it I’m sure is helping people. 😁
This used to be my horrific personality as a friend parent and wife. I still carry a lot of internal anger and acknowledge most of these fairly silently. Now I can usually see what I’m doing. It isn’t always easy to shut up and stop being mean, pushing away, or just staying shut down when I know I can’t run. I have a good husband and he doesn’t deserve my instabilities and nasty hurtful criticism. I wish I had gotten help as a child, but therapy was a threatening punishment for being crazy instead of a way to nourish and heal internal wounds. I still struggle with the if you get help your records will show that your unstable, mentality.
You can go to therapy and no one has to know about this. With therapy and medicaments your life is going to be so much easier, that you can regret you didn't ask for help earlier. If you're afraid, you can try at first making a phonecall to see how it works and what therapist says. It looks hard to go to therapy but then you can see it's the easiest way to get your life back to you.
Everyone goes to therapy these days So the stigma is not at all what it used to be. Being "unstable" is not a medical diagnosis, and anyone legally or otherwise would be hard pressed to insinuate that regarding someone receiving mental healthcare. Also, HIPAA laws would protect you. I hope you find this encouraging.
Its ok to be particular, choosy, wise and have boundaries about the help you do get. It's totally okay, and necessary when you do think of it as nourishment and healing. Not all help is helpful. It's ok to be cautious and choose who you let have access to that.
Wow. To have a label for everything I’m feeling and have been dealing with for my entire life is mind altering. I’m so incredibly grateful to have found your videos. 💝 This made me feel better, but so sad too. I feel like, because I’ve lived my whole life like this, I’m passing it down to my kids in my actions, and that deeply, deeply saddens me. How do you work through this with all of the trauma (that includes physical and emotional abuse) too? I’m SO ready to feel better and not pass this on! I’m desperate to be the best mother possible, while also causing as little trauma as possible to my babies.
Find a therapist who has studied Attachment Theory. You deserve to get help and your children deserve the best you available. Sending lots of good wishes your way.
Wow. I really do resonate with this… and I can really recall the feeling of feeling safe around my mother and at the same time being so scared of her because she was unpredictable due to her drinking. I never knew where I had her, all I knew was that something was not right and as a child I felt sorry for her. I also became the child to caretake for her and make sure she was alright and in that I developed a strong sense of “taking care of others is the only way to receive love”. The Golden Child.
I was like, wait, isn't that the only way to get love? Then I was like - oh, that exposes that this is my attachment style. But now I am confused about what the other ways to get love are.
I have never commented on a TH-cam video nor do I spend much time on social media. So if you don’t mind, I wanted to send this comment/my story to you. I just wanted to say Thank You. I have always tested, accused, periodically hated, clung to and deeply loved my partner for 20 years. I cannot imagine what they might have become without all of my maladaptive coping skills being hurled at them daily. I heard myself in every word of this video. I want so desperately to be in a relationship loved that I manipulated my way into marriage, I see that only now. I would love to learn how to be someone that can express my feelings properly without all the pain I cause. I am beginning to see the ties that bind my heart. Thank you for the content you offer.
Sounds like I'm anxious attachment, avoidant and disorganised ?! Hehe. This video described me pretty well. I went from being crazy anxious attachment to avoidant attachment and now I'm....I guess in between. Thanks for the video doe Nicole ❤ would love videos on how to heal these...❤
Disorganised attachment IS a mix of both anxious and avoidant qualities. And an attachment can have its own varieties.. For example one may be a fair mix of avoidant and anxious (mainstream disorganised). It's also possible to have a disorganised attachment leaning more towards anxious OR avoidant
I was very much like this when I was newly married. Now, after much work, I am more stable, but am in a relationship with someone who is unstable, unable to have seen it in the beginning. I am now learning how to manage friendships, and deal with an unstable partner. Not easy, but it’s a work in progress!
Avoiding all relationships unless I was asked for a favor. Just wanting to stop wanting a relationship because of overwhelming fear all the time. This was my version.
Ugh in every way! It’s something to see the patterns explained to me. It’s so simple yet in the storm it’s defensive distrusting, and emotionally exhausting
Walking on eggshells. I kept trying and trying to have intimate relationships which turned out pretty bad. I didn't choose my partners, they chose me and I just followed along because I wanted Love and companionship. Interestingly these partners ended up raging at me as well as being (cheap). My Dad whom, yes, I dearly Love, was both of those things. Now I'm 70 and I'm glad to be an age where I can feel like I've done my best, nothing ever turned out to be a healthy relationship, so now I can quit without feeling like I gave up. I don't trust enough to make friends easily but I do have good friends. I'm just relieved not to try to "have a relationship" anymore. Maybe my next life. Thank you Dr. Lepera.
For me, the feeling of abandonment comes up all the time, even after years of therapy. And anger is a primary emotion in my dreams combined with the feeling of helplessness. I don't even realize that I have abandoned myself most of the time and have to remind myself that I have agency now that I am an adult.
Yep. OMG #4 especially, although i do all of them. I will say that i've learned to regulate the jealousy, though, by always keeping one foot out the door. As soon as i see anything suspicious, either i walk, or withdraw all emotional investment from the relationship, and PREPARE to walk. I would be, (and have been), insanely jealous, if i ever fully committed - so i don't anymore.
Everyday I aim to learn more & become more secure. I have a beautiful Sun that I have most probably traumatized because of this attachment style. But I am true believer of when you know better, it is then for you to do better . I have an dysfunctional family, but this cycle will end with my Sun. Everyday that is my intention not just for him but for myself. Many thanks for these videos.
It shows up for me as craving deep connection, but not being able to even date without getting so triggered i leave the connection. I'm working on this and have hope now 🤞
I have developed more secure tendencies in all relationships but intimate. I have so much anxiety about intimate relationships that I just refuse to have them anymore. I struggle to even talk about it because it gives me so much anxiety that I start to cry. Make no mistake- I can have “intimate relationships”, but if I actually care, I feel incredibly uncomfortable and I will leave. I would equate the discomfort to how it feels if you are holding your breath underwater- the only way to make it stop is to breathe. The only way to make it stop is to leave.
This video has come on divine timing as I write in a discussion in my Psychology class just hours ago I had an argument with my husband about not feeling close to him and feeling jealous of others that he gives his attention to. I have been in therapy for over a year and we also go to couples therapy, I am learning slow but I have so much that I've carried into this relationship somatically and my nervous system just doesn't get it yet. That I am safe and I don't need to be love bombed to know I am loved I look forward to learning more about this attachment style and how to shift into a secure attachment and reclaim my life and build my relationships especially my marriage.
I just learned I have disorganized attachment and I’m terrified I won’t be able to change. My parents were extremely religious growing up and I think being told that everyone will let you down but god really shook me to my core as a kid. This along with my parents love being conditional on my relationship with god, really screwed me up. All of a sudden there was no one I could trust except for this imaginary person who supposedly saw me, heard me, and knew me. But the times that I cried out to him to not have my dog killed, or my uncle sent to jail, or my sister miscarry. He never did what I begged him to do. So now that I have found someone In my life who loves unconditionally, I have found a million and one ways to hurt him and make him feel less than. And honestly I believe I do so unconsciously because I don’t realize until later that that’s what I have done. Now I may be expecting a child with him and now im even more scared of how I am going to raise a child when I’m so fucked up. And the one person I could talk to about it, is the person I keep hurting and building a wedge between.
Your clear non-judgemental description really resonates strongly with me and explains so many of the problems I've wrestled with all my life. I'm not sure what the answer is just yet, but you've given me something I really needed right now: hope!
My fear was overwhelming. I used books like 30 Days to Reduce Depression by Harper Daniels to learn mindfulness, it seemed to help a bit. It's so important to allow the fear but not identify with the feelings.
I’ve managed to move past jealousy but the rest of this is me in a nutshell. I chase people who aren’t healthy or avoidant in relationships and sabotage healthy connections with lovers.
My partner and I would have blowout fights for weeks, deep down though I could tell he needed me on some level. We needed guidance we didn’t get , it’s easy to blame how we were “raised” but unearthing a lot of this has been revealing and healing. We both had a lot in common, and we needed each other…. I think that’s when the work made this less problematic on the outside, more true to accept and heal within out in our relationship, unfortunately we took a break, but for the better. This would end up in PFAs bc my body remembered how unsafe it felt as a child.
My heart goes out to you. My partner and I split recently, we were committed for life to each other, but had similar problems to what you're describing. I so relate to the feeling of them still needing you even while they're doing and saying every cruel thing to try to make you to leave them. I started looking into attachment theory while we were on a break and we did some work on it, turns out we're both disorganised - but it got so explosive my nervous system couldn't take it, plus he got violent further into denial. :(
I didn't know about this attachment style before. I'm thankful for your videos, so I have this information now. I was wondering why I didn't resonate with anxious attachment or avoidance attachment.
For me it’s showing up as BPD ( or as my therapist explained) but I don’t want to allow myself to believe that I am disordered. When I feel like I’ll be abandoned I’ve “raged” out on my romantic partners 😢
I am convinced (as a non-professional) that BPD and BPD tendencies stem from narcissistic abuse which usually causes PTSD or C-PTSD. It seems at the very least BPD and C-PTSD have the exact same symptoms -- @@Ark-ys2up
@@Ark-ys2up Not at all true re BPD being uncurable - remission rates are quite extraordinary with targeted treatment. I'm now 4yrs in remission and no longer have the diagnosis. BUT...now I have to work on my disorganised attachment style, which yes has a lot of similarities to BPD, but BPD is extreme. I don't know where those misdiagnosis figures are from but there are a lot of shoddy professionals out there.
That's kind of irresponsible of your therapist to say that to you tbh. BPD is v serious and you'll need a specialist psychiatrist to assess you for it, therapists simply don't have those skills. You may not necessarily have it and if you do, you can treat it. I'm now 4yrs recovered. Now that I'm healthier I can learn about my disorganised attachment (which is basically "BPD lite" - similar, but not life threatening). Try to find solid info about BPD vs the horrible stereotypes online. Dr Sam Vaknin's TH-cam channel is in another league on this topic. Good luck.
I used to cope up with God as my 24×7 imaginary friend when I was a child. Used to carry around in my pocket a little baby figurine of him and involve him in everything and talk to him like a sibling. It still works today. Also writing in a diary helps. Been doing that since I was a teen. These bring some momentary stability although this video has helped clear a lot. A lot of conscious work is needed trying to heal that inner child. Some triggers make us go back to those reactions, separating ourselves as that child and replacing ourselves as the caring adult who was never available to that child sort of helps. Its a step by step journey.
I developed a secure relationship slooowly over time with God. Still working on it actually but spirituality and religion have been major coping skills for me. But I've developed an actual relationship with my Heavenly Father. It's healed me and saved me in a lot of ways.
Been waiting for this video. Please make a video of how bpd is related to this style. I resonate with all of the comments here and feel like I'm not alone. Helps to accept when it is given a label, to understand more, and make efforts to move on. Yes to confirm a few points, I have my childhood paintings which confirm this environment and style. I have trouble leaving relationships after choosing the wrong people overlooking red flags right in front of me. Thank you for the video.
This is definitively me. For a while I was trying to make myself fit into the insecure attachment mold and it just wasn't 100% right. This is 100% correct.
Whether you are anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, or a combination of anxious / avoidant (fearful/disorganized), these are all insecure attachment styles. Anxious insecurity is a negative view of self as too much, not enough, or damaged in some way. Avoidant insecurity is a negative view and distrust of others as someone who will abuse, betray or abandon you.
I just figured out that I have this attachment style and I really want to heal this. My mom has bipolar disorder and was only diagnosed about 3 years ago. I'm 53 so I don't have a close relationship with her. She was so unpredictable. Now I'm just afraid I don't know how to have a secure attachment.
My parents are not unstable, never lashed out on me and I love them to pieces, especially my dad is the the one person I can really talk to. Yet I have this attachment style. I was in an abusive relationship with a guy 7 years ago that messed me up really badly, but it's 100% not coming from my family.
from my parents to basically every boss I've had I've gone through some sort of physical and or emotional abuse (which includes racism from bosses) so this is very prevalent in my life. I've walked around eggshells my whole life. My parents were very volatile with me as a child with strong emotions. I had someone who i also really liked confess to me, but I got too scared and pushed them away, now I'm talking to this guy and I have such a strong urge to do the same, even though i want a relationship. It's just so frustrating.
I am not sure what attachment behavior I have. I think I have experienced all three: highly anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment. I have a Service Dog for PTSD and he is my best friend. It is a very easy relationship. I am so isolated now ,small town, narcissitic partner, and retired that I am not sure what relationships with humans are about. I have been very isolated since the pandemic. I always found ways to get out into the world before the pandemic but isolated because of severe allergies and asthma. I am trying to get back out there but I am experiencing freezing. I feel so cruddy right now I am trying to smile alot just in the hope some good hormones will be released.
That’s me 😢 I want to form close relationships SO badly but I don’t trust people especially men. I would look for little things to break the relationship and I’m always constantly thinking they would leave because I’m a terrible person.
I went out with a girl that demonstrated the same actions. Everything was going fine and she suddenly ghosted me and blocked me. I am still confused till this day. She continues to block and unblock me. Would you be willing to give some insight. I know all of you are unique, but if by chance you can help I would appreciate it.
Will you be putting a secure attachment style video up? This is helpful, but leaves no direction how to correct or relearn healthy cores in relationships.
I see myself in it. I stay too long in relationships that I now I want to stop, the anger, the rage, the jalousie when feeling left out, misunderstood. It’s tiring and I now wonder if I look for partners who’ll trigger me somehow.
I am struggling with it and you are right especially my dad he was so unpredictable. One day hes nice and i trust him then i notice that he should not be trusted because i know when i say the truth i will be introuble and other times he seem to give me security and hes still doing that and thats why i want to not interact with him agian
I know I'm avoidant but it seems I exhibit some fearful avoidant too, and the development from childhood has a solid match for fearful avoidant. That sucks.
Hello,Nicole.I found my self in all the attachments you mentioned in your videos (anxious,disorganized,avoidant) is any way to move in a secure attachment? Thanks for your great work!
I recognize these patterns in me. But I feel as I aged and done work in myself it’s less. Still working on a secure attachment because I still pick partners that are avoidant and emotionally unavailable to trigger my wounding.
Can you have one style from childhood, then switch to another style like this from a traumatic experience? Such as with a cult leader? Meaning not a bad childhood such as mentioned….but then an abusive long term cult experience that the leader is like this… making the style switch. Does that happen?
Yes! Also i.e. being bullied at school or other highly emotional situations where relationships are the main theme, can influence your attachment style later in life.
@@pascalelzinga Thank you! Everyone talks about the childhood experience and it made it hard to decipher from a traumatic adult relationship. Thank you.
I think this is my style, I felt you described my mom. Plus the signs and choosing a partner that has similar personality traits like my mom. Is it hope? can I overcome trauma and really love?
in the past if i saw a boyfriend on instagram but they didn't reply to my message all day i would start yelling and saying you don't love me. then they will say it's not personal then i would say this all the time "if you don't like me just break up with me." i did this with friends too if they didn't text back i would cut them off so quick. one time a friend said they didn't text back bcuz they just didn't know what to say. 😅 then another time i was upset called up a friend she said she'd call back and didn't years later she reached out and i said how dare you say you care for me you knew i was hurting and I'd never leave you hanging like that. she apologized but i didn't stay in touch. honestly i thought i was in the right in those situations. i still don't know if I'm in the right for lashing out?😅😅I'm still learning how to navigate adult friendships or people's forgetfullness or busy life because these are triggers for me 😭😭😭 another thing I'm too scared to reach out to the friends i already made because I'm scared they changed their number since it's been years since I've spoken to them and I'd be really hurt if they didn't bother to tell me. so i'm always making new friends and avoiding my past if they haven't messaged me. also i need people to message me first because i get too much anxiety reaching out and getting no response for days. i have 1 friend that I've built so much trust with she's the only one that i don't get as much anxiety with because even when i'm not around her she still reaches out a lot. but other friends just didn't reach out. thank you nicole 💖💖💖 these are just some examples of how the accusing sabotaging happens for me. thank you for giving me a space to share my struggles. it's really sweet that you said I'd love to hear how this shows up in your relationships this made me feel safe and comfortable to share this with you.🙏💖💖💖💖
As someone who leans towards anxious attachment, I find this one extremely confusing. Hot-cold-hot-cold. Loads of anxiety trying to understand where they are at. Even if I can understand where they come from, relating closely to people who act like this really messes up my nervous system.
Can you have a mix of all of the attachment styles. I feel like a lot of them resonate with me and unfortunately I feel like I may be causing my children to have maladapted attachment styles!
Question……So, jealousy comes from the fear that I can’t trust my husband….that he must be doing something to cheat on our marriage while he is at work or engaged in a hobby or enjoying life to some degree. I have gone to the extremes of forbidding him to be in contact with old partners that he shared a significant past with, checked his phone calls, and then raged…….. Fantasized about how I would leave him…….And this is from my childhood of parents who weren’t there emotionally…..checked out, absorbed on their own problems……? Is this correct?
My mother was barely around so I was alone a lot (no father), she also isolated me when she was home, her addiction was more important than me and it didn't stop until she was close to 60. What was her addiction? Sex. So, I was exposed to sex as young as 4 yo. There was always a new man every few weeks or she would bring her one stands home and have loud sex all over the house as though I wasn't there. And, when I told her the noises were keeping me up at night, she laughed about it. She never used protection and would come up pregnant all the time, this was also during the AIDS epidemic, and she always would say she wouldn't be surprised if she had it. Actually, she got tested at 50 and was more shocked she didn't have it then testing negative. Looking back at it, I think she wanted to get it, why else would she have unprotected sex as a single mother to a daughter with no other family to care for her. I was told by my therapist that I was sexually abused but not in the way ppl think, it's called sexual perversion. I was also given mixed messages around sex, while my mother could sleep with 8-10 men a month, sometimes 2 at a time, I was only supposed to have sex as a married woman, and sex was only to make babies, I was told if I enjoyed sex, I was a whore. So, I have issues with sex and relationships.
If you are FA/disorganised and you are with a (severe) DA, your anxious side will come out more strongly. If your are with AA, you might become more DA.
Can we have more than one style of attachment? I resonate a lot with this and the same time with the anxious one. I guess since styles are an spectrum we can have traits of different ones.
The weirdest thing I’ve had to work through while learning to move from disorganized to secure attachment is that the feeling of safety itself is a trigger. Feeling safe is amazing for a while…but when the safety doesn’t go away I feel like I must be missing a red flag. It’s exhausting.
Thanks for sharing, can I ask how you worked around that feeling? (if you managed to)
ooooohhhh this... Thank you
Interesting….it’s like people with this attachment style can’t catch a break
Fully understand that
@@rockavibe I’m still very much a work in progress, but I’m happy to share what has been working for me. A lot of the somatic nervous system regulation practices that most people advocate for seem to help in the moment but make things worse for me in the long run (again, because my brain thinks a regulated nervous system is a sure sign that disaster is about to strike). So most of my work is on reparenting myself.
First, I let myself fully grieve for my younger self who learned that safety is always temporary and protection is a lie. And I have long conversations with my inner child when I notice that she is feeling activated. These look like, “Hey, it seems like you’re feeling triggered. I’m so sorry you’re not feeling safe. What is coming up for you right now?” And then I listen and affirm her feelings without trying to change them. After holding space for her for a while, I move to “what if” affirmations. (I love these because they bypass the part of my brain that thinks the future has to look like the past). So the conversation becomes, “what if it is safe for you to feel safe in this relationship? What if it was safe to relax with them? What if their love is unconditional?” And then I listen to all the reasons my inner child thinks that can’t be true and come back to, “but what if it is? What would that feel like?” (Spoiler: it’s an uncomfortable process).
Another, necessary, part of the work is learning to trust myself. Learning that even when I experience hurt and disappointment in relationships, I am capable of being my own safe space, picking up the pieces, and moving forward without rushing into a new connection or isolating myself. (Something I’ve noticed is that most of us trying to move from Fearful-Avoidant to Secure attachment get there by way of healing the anxious OR avoidant sides of the equation first, thereby becoming predominantly Anxious or Dismissive-Avoidant before getting to Secure-though I don’t know if it *has* to go that way). This part of the work is more about demonstrating to myself that I can be my own most loyal advocate. That I keep my word to myself, honor my own boundaries-even at the cost of my relationships, and that my self-care practices are practical (did I drink enough water today?) and not just indulgent (bubble baths are also amazing).
The final piece is that when I *do* feel safe in a connection, I try to practice radical honesty. Just saying, “hey, thank you for being a safe space for me. I’m having a hard time trusting this and I’m working on [insert thing here]. It would be really helpful if you could [do this thing] but if you’re not available for that, I understand.” It can be really easy to try to hold other people responsible for being the thing we need that our caregiver(s) failed to provide but that’s not really their job, and their unwillingness/inability to do that doesn’t make them an unfit companion, necessarily. (This is where I struggle the most, TBH). Ideally, we find the people who are secure enough to meet us where we’re at and hold this kind of space for us.
OK, this is long, but I hope it helps.
“Person you love and need is also the person you fear”🤕
yeah terrible, experienced that.
Yep
I feared my mother so much I couldn't even feel my stress anymore.
I feared my dad till I was into my 20s. I struggle now with a lot of things
Yes, and more than one parental figure. UGH.
This attachment style really needs more recognition
❤
Early trauma and attachment wounding has shaped the way I relate to others. I haven’t been able to have a healthy relationship my entire life. Now I am focusing on trauma work and self acceptance.
Nicole please make a video on how to heal disorganised attachment, like how you have done for other attachment styles ❤
I think my dorsal vagal shutdown/Disorganized att. developed because of the alcoholism of my mother. She was kind and supportive but also threatened to put me into childrens home, stomped drunk into my room at night, sometimes took away my phone or room key, feel asleep drunk in the kitchen. When drunk she could also be very intrusive and tried to make me talk about feelings (i didn't do it and that made her cry) - she had so many emotional explosions. She often tried to blame me for her problems. She probably still is a functional alcoholic and tends to have tantrums when I don't aswer her text messages within an hour or two. I'm so glad that I have my own apartment - lots of time for me in a calm place🧸 Isolation is peace for me but I also feel lonely sometimes. Thats when I used to get attracted to assholes that were confident and made me feel special. I let myself get used by them and of course that made me feel unappreciated and ghosted me. Now I understand that I need to be more careful and scan peoples behaviour for a few months. I hope one day I have better trust capacity for those that truely deserve my attention.
Functional alcoholic is an oxymoron.
“Isolation is peace for me but I also feel lonely sometimes” yup I feel that deeply, like you need distance but also desire connection at the same time. There’s no winning with this attachment style 😭
Its crazy you uploaded this now because I was just thinking about this attachment style last night. One key part of my experience with it is that I'm prone to angry outburts if I feel ignored, misunderstood, or judged. It sets something off in me that I have a hard time controlling.
Me too
Yes, the feeling of being "walked over" or disrespected.
Sometimes the resentment tank builds because we expect others to know what we need or understand us without explaining. Disorganized tend to not speak up for their needs or think they are worhty of needs. I think the outbursts might subside if you communicate to the other person what you are needing.
Thanks for the advice and the video.@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
Unless it is a trauma response. Anger can sometimes be a sign of repressed shame and humiliation, and could also come from that childhood trauma wound.
This is me. I'm at a point now where I am giving myself the care I never got, getting my life together and trying to heal. But now I am attracted to no one. It's like I was attracted to all these meth addicts, cheaters, and people who were as incapable of holding it together as I was, and now that I am healing I'm in a weird place where I genuinely don't feel attracted to my old flames or people like them, but I also don't know yet how to do a healthy relationship or what even to look for.
The fact that you've made progress and are not attracted to those kinds of people anymore is amazing!
But I'm sorry you've felt lost about healthy relationships recently. Hang in there! I'm sure as you continue to heal and progress things will change. 😊 Keep up the good work!
Patience ❤ I am right there with you.
I am in the same place. For now content to stay single until I have had more time to heal. I think after having multiple toxic relationships it’s so important not to feel like we HAVE to have a relationship right away again. Even if we do yearn for the connection. Build up your platonic relationships and support network in the meantime. The number one thing for me has been reminding myself what God wants for me, how he wants me to be treated, so even when I’m naturally inclined to accept poor treatment, I won’t. A priest told me if it looks like manipulation on control… that’s not from God. When I do look for a relationship again, I plan to move SLOW.
I grew up this way., my mom was an alcoholic. I was the youngest and I felt responsible for managing her emotions cause she would take it out on my older siblings otherwise. As I'm learning to be more securely attached, I can't help but notice that people still have to do a lot to earn my trust. If a conversation feels like it's going to become intense, my brain dissociates without my permission and I shut down and can't speak and think rationally. This enabled a people pleasing tendency in me and most things became performative and I always felt like an outsider and that no one would ever see me for who I truly am because it's safer that way. I spend a lot of time alone now, and I'm okay with it. I understand that I should be more involved in a community, but my autism burnout is real and I get so tired. I'm taking baby steps though by finding accommodations that work for me and learning more about self discipline and how to implement it better in my life.
You're not alone in those struggles or feelings ❤❤❤ I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say except, I literally understand your pain. Hugs of compassion from afar ...🤗
Wow this shined a light for me with regards to my children. Thank you ❤
Choosing unstable partners bc I feel comfortable and know how to function in that type of relationship....overlooking red flags.......WOW. Mind-blowing insight.
This just made me cry. How do we heal from this without having someone who wants to be there for us? I’ve seen so many therapists and even they don’t have the capacity to help because their professional boundaries create a cold distance, and frankly I don’t think they have enough love for the client to understand the seriousness and depth of disorganized attachment. They can’t even stay ‘on’ and focused for the entire session.
My partner trashes me for being afraid of closeness because it hurts him and he feels rejected. However, he’s not willing to do what I’ve asked of him to help me feel safer. What is there to do? I’ve always desired a relationship where we can heal together, though compassion and love, taking turns holding space for one another and doing our individual work along the way.
How do we heal relationship wounds like disorganized attachment outside the context of relationships? In relationship with ourselves and being safe and stable and present for ourselves? And feeling the push and pull dynamic within ourselves and allowing it to resolve? And touching down on the profound fear we hold, should it finally rise to the surface? It seems doable, but honestly it is sad to not be able to do this with another person.
Sometimes I just wish someone else cared enough to want to do this for me.
Thanks for letting me post my rant :) good luck everyone. ❤
I used to cope up with God as my 24×7 imaginary friend when I was a child. Used to carry around in my pocket a little baby figurine of him and involve him in everything and talk to him like a sibling. It still works today. Also writing in a diary helps. Been doing that since I was a teen. These bring some momentary stability although this video has helped clear a lot. A lot of conscious work is needed trying to heal that inner child. Some triggers make us go back to those reactions, separating ourselves as that child and replacing ourselves as the caring adult who was never available to that child sort of helps.
I notice I'm more anxious with romantic relationships. I craved them when I was younger and picked terrible people, had trouble ending things, always wanting to try to fix things. But overall I think for having disorganized attachment I was actually fairly heathly as I started to get older. But I do still feel anxious and the idea of being trusting and vulnerable is very scary still.
I will say in friendships I'm much more avoidant. Like I want friends, good friends. But then it seems like someone wants to hang out and become friends and 85% of the time maybe I suddenly feel suffocated and I avoid them and not push them away but let them go. And then I feel I guess, safer? Nothing has changed and that is safe. That's still something I'm trying to work on as well.
I just learned this is the attachment style I have and it is kind of intimidating because I kept reading how it's the hardest style to overcome.
But very much want to work on it!
I too know that I need friends, but it is too damn hard, scary and exhausting
Me too, I want healthy and productive friendships but the idea of starting a friendship is scary and overwhelming Getting to know someone? No thanks. Seems like a waste of time because I feel like they will turn out to be awful. So I just avoid getting close to anyone.
I resonate with disorganized attachment, and my partner is avoidant attachment style.. We had many hard times through our relationship but we managed to stay together and now we learn about ouselfs day by day. I have this feeling that each next year is better and better for us. It makes my feel more secure, helps with changes. Thank you❤
great to hear! Good luck! ❤
I saw you updated and dropped everything
Edit: I'm glad I did. I do these things. Like I can't have romantic relationships, and until I work on it because I have known that I have issues with romantic relationships for a while, I've decided not to. I feel like I've hurt and let down some of my exes because of this, and I don't want to hurt anyone else. I do pretty well with making and keeping friends. I hate feeling left out, and since most of my friends have known each other longer than me, I can feel that sting of exclusion when they talk about things that happened ages ago that I wasn't there for, but I love them and can eventually steer the subject elsewhere. My father has always been scary as he is a huge, strong, and hairy bear of a man who constantly yells because he's mostly deaf; he could be happy one minute then angry the next for the most minor things; it was never anything significant it was always small mistake example missing a spot on the counter, he would always yell until my sister, or I would cry then send us away for a bit until he apologized then it be calm for however long, there are still many things I haven't forgiven him for, but he's calmed down a lot as he's gotten older. My sister and I moved out, she has a family now, and my father is not terrible I promise he wasn't a perfect father but he's a great grandfather not that he's perfect at that either but who is perfect. Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk lol
When an abusive person actually does something good or nice… it creates anxiety & confusion & emotions you don’t understand…. & you are worried about how long it will last… waiting for the ugly abuse cycle to repeat later
Hi Dr. LePera. I've recently gotten sober through AA and NA and your videos are helping me in a massive way. I especially love your shorts, I learn new things throughout the day. Thank you so much! ❤
I almost cried watching this. I'm in therapy & will bring this up with my provider. Because this shows up in my friendships as well as romantic relationships. The way I grew up, it's a wonder I never developed a drug or alcohol addiction.
For a very long time I thought I was anxious attachment but this describes me so well
You way of explaining this - yes. As someone who is done a lot of work over the years and listen to many people you have something about the way you present it feels more, well, holistic- described me to a T. Looks like I found someone at the age of 59 that is secure and stable and has none of those characteristics. It has taken a while to get here. The way you’re talking about it I’m sure is helping people. 😁
This used to be my horrific personality as a friend parent and wife. I still carry a lot of internal anger and acknowledge most of these fairly silently. Now I can usually see what I’m doing. It isn’t always easy to shut up and stop being mean, pushing away, or just staying shut down when I know I can’t run. I have a good husband and he doesn’t deserve my instabilities and nasty hurtful criticism.
I wish I had gotten help as a child, but therapy was a threatening punishment for being crazy instead of a way to nourish and heal internal wounds. I still struggle with the if you get help your records will show that your unstable, mentality.
You can go to therapy and no one has to know about this. With therapy and medicaments your life is going to be so much easier, that you can regret you didn't ask for help earlier. If you're afraid, you can try at first making a phonecall to see how it works and what therapist says. It looks hard to go to therapy but then you can see it's the easiest way to get your life back to you.
Everyone goes to therapy these days So the stigma is not at all what it used to be. Being "unstable" is not a medical diagnosis, and anyone legally or otherwise would be hard pressed to insinuate that regarding someone receiving mental healthcare. Also, HIPAA laws would protect you. I hope you find this encouraging.
Its ok to be particular, choosy, wise and have boundaries about the help you do get. It's totally okay, and necessary when you do think of it as nourishment and healing. Not all help is helpful. It's ok to be cautious and choose who you let have access to that.
@@amypola5903 this comment helped thank u. We should be picky about our helpers, doctors, therapists. Thank u
Wow. To have a label for everything I’m feeling and have been dealing with for my entire life is mind altering. I’m so incredibly grateful to have found your videos. 💝 This made me feel better, but so sad too. I feel like, because I’ve lived my whole life like this, I’m passing it down to my kids in my actions, and that deeply, deeply saddens me. How do you work through this with all of the trauma (that includes physical and emotional abuse) too? I’m SO ready to feel better and not pass this on! I’m desperate to be the best mother possible, while also causing as little trauma as possible to my babies.
Find a therapist who has studied Attachment Theory. You deserve to get help and your children deserve the best you available. Sending lots of good wishes your way.
@@therealJamieJoy thank you very much, I really appreciate your help and kind words. 💝
It's good to help others. We've been through a lot. :)@@Bryn_G_Mama_of_3
Oh man. I thought you were describing my best friend… but you actually described my attachment style. Dang!
Wow. I really do resonate with this… and I can really recall the feeling of feeling safe around my mother and at the same time being so scared of her because she was unpredictable due to her drinking. I never knew where I had her, all I knew was that something was not right and as a child I felt sorry for her. I also became the child to caretake for her and make sure she was alright and in that I developed a strong sense of “taking care of others is the only way to receive love”. The Golden Child.
I was like, wait, isn't that the only way to get love? Then I was like - oh, that exposes that this is my attachment style. But now I am confused about what the other ways to get love are.
I have never commented on a TH-cam video nor do I spend much time on social media. So if you don’t mind, I wanted to send this comment/my story to you.
I just wanted to say Thank You.
I have always tested, accused, periodically hated, clung to and deeply loved my partner for 20 years. I cannot imagine what they might have become without all of my maladaptive coping skills being hurled at them daily.
I heard myself in every word of this video. I want so desperately to be in a relationship loved that I manipulated my way into marriage, I see that only now. I would love to learn how to be someone that can express my feelings properly without all the pain I cause.
I am beginning to see the ties that bind my heart.
Thank you for the content you offer.
Sounds like I'm anxious attachment, avoidant and disorganised ?! Hehe. This video described me pretty well. I went from being crazy anxious attachment to avoidant attachment and now I'm....I guess in between. Thanks for the video doe Nicole ❤ would love videos on how to heal these...❤
Disorganised attachment IS a mix of both anxious and avoidant qualities.
And an attachment can have its own varieties.. For example one may be a fair mix of avoidant and anxious (mainstream disorganised). It's also possible to have a disorganised attachment leaning more towards anxious OR avoidant
This is very true for me. I wondered why I acted this way
I was very much like this when I was newly married. Now, after much work, I am more stable, but am in a relationship with someone who is unstable, unable to have seen it in the beginning. I am now learning how to manage friendships, and deal with an unstable partner. Not easy, but it’s a work in progress!
Avoiding all relationships unless I was asked for a favor. Just wanting to stop wanting a relationship because of overwhelming fear all the time. This was my version.
This is my life...both my parents were narcissists...while I'm very strong and resilient...Im extremely fearful of being alone!!!
Ugh in every way! It’s something to see the patterns explained to me. It’s so simple yet in the storm it’s defensive distrusting, and emotionally exhausting
Walking on eggshells. I kept trying and trying to have intimate relationships which turned out pretty bad. I didn't choose my partners, they chose me and I just followed along because I wanted Love and companionship. Interestingly these partners ended up raging at me as well as being (cheap). My Dad whom, yes, I dearly Love, was both of those things.
Now I'm 70 and I'm glad to be an age where I can feel like I've done my best, nothing ever turned out to be a healthy relationship, so now I can quit without feeling like I gave up. I don't trust enough to make friends easily but I do have good friends. I'm just relieved not to try to "have a relationship" anymore. Maybe my next life. Thank you Dr. Lepera.
For me, the feeling of abandonment comes up all the time, even after years of therapy. And anger is a primary emotion in my dreams combined with the feeling of helplessness. I don't even realize that I have abandoned myself most of the time and have to remind myself that I have agency now that I am an adult.
Yep. OMG #4 especially, although i do all of them.
I will say that i've learned to regulate the jealousy, though, by always keeping one foot out the door. As soon as i see anything suspicious, either i walk, or withdraw all emotional investment from the relationship, and PREPARE to walk. I would be, (and have been), insanely jealous, if i ever fully committed - so i don't anymore.
Everyday I aim to learn more & become more secure. I have a beautiful Sun that I have most probably traumatized because of this attachment style. But I am true believer of when you know better, it is then for you to do better . I have an dysfunctional family, but this cycle will end with my Sun. Everyday that is my intention not just for him but for myself.
Many thanks for these videos.
Yaasss, Queen! Nailed it. Who i need and love is who i fear and i will quiz you to make sure i still have you pegged as untrustworthy. 100%.
It shows up for me as craving deep connection, but not being able to even date without getting so triggered i leave the connection. I'm working on this and have hope now 🤞
I have developed more secure tendencies in all relationships but intimate. I have so much anxiety about intimate relationships that I just refuse to have them anymore. I struggle to even talk about it because it gives me so much anxiety that I start to cry. Make no mistake- I can have “intimate relationships”, but if I actually care, I feel incredibly uncomfortable and I will leave. I would equate the discomfort to how it feels if you are holding your breath underwater- the only way to make it stop is to breathe. The only way to make it stop is to leave.
This video has come on divine timing as I write in a discussion in my Psychology class just hours ago I had an argument with my husband about not feeling close to him and feeling jealous of others that he gives his attention to. I have been in therapy for over a year and we also go to couples therapy, I am learning slow but I have so much that I've carried into this relationship somatically and my nervous system just doesn't get it yet. That I am safe and I don't need to be love bombed to know I am loved I look forward to learning more about this attachment style and how to shift into a secure attachment and reclaim my life and build my relationships especially my marriage.
I just learned I have disorganized attachment and I’m terrified I won’t be able to change. My parents were extremely religious growing up and I think being told that everyone will let you down but god really shook me to my core as a kid. This along with my parents love being conditional on my relationship with god, really screwed me up. All of a sudden there was no one I could trust except for this imaginary person who supposedly saw me, heard me, and knew me. But the times that I cried out to him to not have my dog killed, or my uncle sent to jail, or my sister miscarry. He never did what I begged him to do. So now that I have found someone In my life who loves unconditionally, I have found a million and one ways to hurt him and make him feel less than. And honestly I believe I do so unconsciously because I don’t realize until later that that’s what I have done. Now I may be expecting a child with him and now im even more scared of how I am going to raise a child when I’m so fucked up. And the one person I could talk to about it, is the person I keep hurting and building a wedge between.
Definitions and traits are great.....solutions are better.
Your clear non-judgemental description really resonates strongly with me and explains so many of the problems I've wrestled with all my life. I'm not sure what the answer is just yet, but you've given me something I really needed right now: hope!
i'm in the 'flop' right now and the only thing keeping me from acting on it are these videos. thank f for these videos!!!!
Thanks for all the information- it's really enlightening to see how others experience things. :)
I relate totally - thank you, I am happy how far I made after all that traumas 🤣😘❤️☀️🌙
My fear was overwhelming. I used books like 30 Days to Reduce Depression by Harper Daniels to learn mindfulness, it seemed to help a bit. It's so important to allow the fear but not identify with the feelings.
I’ve managed to move past jealousy but the rest of this is me in a nutshell. I chase people who aren’t healthy or avoidant in relationships and sabotage healthy connections with lovers.
My partner and I would have blowout fights for weeks, deep down though I could tell he needed me on some level. We needed guidance we didn’t get , it’s easy to blame how we were “raised” but unearthing a lot of this has been revealing and healing. We both had a lot in common, and we needed each other…. I think that’s when the work made this less problematic on the outside, more true to accept and heal within out in our relationship, unfortunately we took a break, but for the better. This would end up in PFAs bc my body remembered how unsafe it felt as a child.
My heart goes out to you. My partner and I split recently, we were committed for life to each other, but had similar problems to what you're describing. I so relate to the feeling of them still needing you even while they're doing and saying every cruel thing to try to make you to leave them. I started looking into attachment theory while we were on a break and we did some work on it, turns out we're both disorganised - but it got so explosive my nervous system couldn't take it, plus he got violent further into denial. :(
I'm so grateful for your channel,thank you❤
Nicole post more breathing meditations and morning, night and sleep meditations as well 🧘🏻♀️❤️
I didn't know about this attachment style before. I'm thankful for your videos, so I have this information now. I was wondering why I didn't resonate with anxious attachment or avoidance attachment.
For me it’s showing up as BPD ( or as my therapist explained) but I don’t want to allow myself to believe that I am disordered. When I feel like I’ll be abandoned I’ve “raged” out on my romantic partners 😢
Dr Daniel Fox here on TH-cam has lots of great videos on BPD.
I am convinced (as a non-professional) that BPD and BPD tendencies stem from narcissistic abuse which usually causes PTSD or C-PTSD. It seems at the very least BPD and C-PTSD have the exact same symptoms -- @@Ark-ys2up
@@Ark-ys2up Not at all true re BPD being uncurable - remission rates are quite extraordinary with targeted treatment. I'm now 4yrs in remission and no longer have the diagnosis. BUT...now I have to work on my disorganised attachment style, which yes has a lot of similarities to BPD, but BPD is extreme. I don't know where those misdiagnosis figures are from but there are a lot of shoddy professionals out there.
That's kind of irresponsible of your therapist to say that to you tbh. BPD is v serious and you'll need a specialist psychiatrist to assess you for it, therapists simply don't have those skills. You may not necessarily have it and if you do, you can treat it. I'm now 4yrs recovered. Now that I'm healthier I can learn about my disorganised attachment (which is basically "BPD lite" - similar, but not life threatening). Try to find solid info about BPD vs the horrible stereotypes online. Dr Sam Vaknin's TH-cam channel is in another league on this topic. Good luck.
I also no longer have the diagnosis, but I do have C-PTSD. @@rebecca_stone
I always thought I had avoidant attachment but this truly resonates 😮
I've been on my self help journey for a long time. I never stop learning about myself. Thabkyou for sharing this. It's definitely me and I had no odea
The jealousy part is so embarrassingly true but I wonder where the connection or reason for it comes from
Need more videos on healing this 😖😖 it's such a struggle
I used to cope up with God as my 24×7 imaginary friend when I was a child. Used to carry around in my pocket a little baby figurine of him and involve him in everything and talk to him like a sibling. It still works today. Also writing in a diary helps. Been doing that since I was a teen. These bring some momentary stability although this video has helped clear a lot. A lot of conscious work is needed trying to heal that inner child. Some triggers make us go back to those reactions, separating ourselves as that child and replacing ourselves as the caring adult who was never available to that child sort of helps. Its a step by step journey.
I developed a secure relationship slooowly over time with God. Still working on it actually but spirituality and religion have been major coping skills for me. But I've developed an actual relationship with my Heavenly Father. It's healed me and saved me in a lot of ways.
Been waiting for this video. Please make a video of how bpd is related to this style. I resonate with all of the comments here and feel like I'm not alone. Helps to accept when it is given a label, to understand more, and make efforts to move on.
Yes to confirm a few points, I have my childhood paintings which confirm this environment and style. I have trouble leaving relationships after choosing the wrong people overlooking red flags right in front of me. Thank you for the video.
I relate. I want a relationship but also i really dont and become super avoidant which i hate when people are to me…
Totally my childjhood and my youth, thank you for posting.
This is definitively me. For a while I was trying to make myself fit into the insecure attachment mold and it just wasn't 100% right. This is 100% correct.
Whether you are anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant, or a combination of anxious / avoidant (fearful/disorganized), these are all insecure attachment styles.
Anxious insecurity is a negative view of self as too much, not enough, or damaged in some way. Avoidant insecurity is a negative view and distrust of others as someone who will abuse, betray or abandon you.
@@2KChilds I meant Anxious type... was typing too fast.
I just figured out that I have this attachment style and I really want to heal this. My mom has bipolar disorder and was only diagnosed about 3 years ago. I'm 53 so I don't have a close relationship with her. She was so unpredictable. Now I'm just afraid I don't know how to have a secure attachment.
My parents are not unstable, never lashed out on me and I love them to pieces, especially my dad is the the one person I can really talk to. Yet I have this attachment style. I was in an abusive relationship with a guy 7 years ago that messed me up really badly, but it's 100% not coming from my family.
Just brought me to tears 😭 so that's what I have?
Your a good teacher.
It is polarizing & contradictory.
All of it spot on... Glad I listened❤
from my parents to basically every boss I've had I've gone through some sort of physical and or emotional abuse (which includes racism from bosses) so this is very prevalent in my life. I've walked around eggshells my whole life. My parents were very volatile with me as a child with strong emotions. I had someone who i also really liked confess to me, but I got too scared and pushed them away, now I'm talking to this guy and I have such a strong urge to do the same, even though i want a relationship. It's just so frustrating.
Thanks! I thought I was in the secure mode....but I just got over dating a Disorganized person. I think her behavior effected mine to mimic DA again.
You described my life perfectly.😢
Ooof this one hurt. 😢
I am not sure what attachment behavior I have. I think I have experienced all three: highly anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment. I have a Service Dog for PTSD and he is my best friend. It is a very easy relationship. I am so isolated now ,small town, narcissitic partner, and retired that I am not sure what relationships with humans are about. I have been very isolated since the pandemic. I always found ways to get out into the world before the pandemic but isolated because of severe allergies and asthma. I am trying to get back out there but I am experiencing freezing. I feel so cruddy right now I am trying to smile alot just in the hope some good hormones will be released.
That’s me 😢 I want to form close relationships SO badly but I don’t trust people especially men. I would look for little things to break the relationship and I’m always constantly thinking they would leave because I’m a terrible person.
I went out with a girl that demonstrated the same actions.
Everything was going fine and she suddenly ghosted me and blocked me. I am still confused till this day. She continues to block and unblock me. Would you be willing to give some insight. I know all of you are unique, but if by chance you can help I would appreciate it.
Feelings of closeness AND feelings of distance are extremely triggering.
Every time someone gets closer to me, I really feel like a snail going back to its shell.
Will you be putting a secure attachment style video up? This is helpful, but leaves no direction how to correct or relearn healthy cores in relationships.
I see myself in it. I stay too long in relationships that I now I want to stop, the anger, the rage, the jalousie when feeling left out, misunderstood. It’s tiring and I now wonder if I look for partners who’ll trigger me somehow.
I am struggling with it and you are right especially my dad he was so unpredictable. One day hes nice and i trust him then i notice that he should not be trusted because i know when i say the truth i will be introuble and other times he seem to give me security and hes still doing that and thats why i want to not interact with him agian
I know I'm avoidant but it seems I exhibit some fearful avoidant too, and the development from childhood has a solid match for fearful avoidant. That sucks.
🤯 everything you said makes sense. 😢
Hello,Nicole.I found my self in all the attachments you mentioned in your videos (anxious,disorganized,avoidant) is any way to move in a secure attachment? Thanks for your great work!
Me to a tee. I always thought I was just anxiously attached.
Thank you ❤
I recognize these patterns in me. But I feel as I aged and done work in myself it’s less. Still working on a secure attachment because I still pick partners that are avoidant and emotionally unavailable to trigger my wounding.
Thank you!!!
I resonate with this!
Can you have one style from childhood, then switch to another style like this from a traumatic experience? Such as with a cult leader?
Meaning not a bad childhood such as mentioned….but then an abusive long term cult experience that the leader is like this… making the style switch. Does that happen?
Yes! Also i.e. being bullied at school or other highly emotional situations where relationships are the main theme, can influence your attachment style later in life.
@@pascalelzinga Thank you! Everyone talks about the childhood experience and it made it hard to decipher from a traumatic adult relationship. Thank you.
I think this is my style, I felt you described my mom. Plus the signs and choosing a partner that has similar personality traits like my mom. Is it hope? can I overcome trauma and really love?
yes for sure! Look into the core wounds/ negative beliefs you developed from childhood and reprogram them :)
I think I'm fearful avoidant/ disorganized, but can't be 100% sure if it's that or just avoidant...
in the past if i saw a boyfriend on instagram but they didn't reply to my message all day i would start yelling and saying you don't love me. then they will say it's not personal then i would say this all the time "if you don't like me just break up with me." i did this with friends too if they didn't text back i would cut them off so quick. one time a friend said they didn't text back bcuz they just didn't know what to say. 😅 then another time i was upset called up a friend she said she'd call back and didn't years later she reached out and i said how dare you say you care for me you knew i was hurting and I'd never leave you hanging like that. she apologized but i didn't stay in touch. honestly i thought i was in the right in those situations. i still don't know if I'm in the right for lashing out?😅😅I'm still learning how to navigate adult friendships or people's forgetfullness or busy life because these are triggers for me 😭😭😭 another thing I'm too scared to reach out to the friends i already made because I'm scared they changed their number since it's been years since I've spoken to them and I'd be really hurt if they didn't bother to tell me. so i'm always making new friends and avoiding my past if they haven't messaged me. also i need people to message me first because i get too much anxiety reaching out and getting no response for days. i have 1 friend that I've built so much trust with she's the only one that i don't get as much anxiety with because even when i'm not around her she still reaches out a lot. but other friends just didn't reach out. thank you nicole 💖💖💖 these are just some examples of how the accusing sabotaging happens for me. thank you for giving me a space to share my struggles. it's really sweet that you said I'd love to hear how this shows up in your relationships this made me feel safe and comfortable to share this with you.🙏💖💖💖💖
I feel you
As someone who leans towards anxious attachment, I find this one extremely confusing. Hot-cold-hot-cold. Loads of anxiety trying to understand where they are at. Even if I can understand where they come from, relating closely to people who act like this really messes up my nervous system.
Can you have a mix of all of the attachment styles. I feel like a lot of them resonate with me and unfortunately I feel like I may be causing my children to have maladapted attachment styles!
I think I am anxious , and when a relationship is safe, I go into avoidant
Question……So, jealousy comes from the fear that I can’t trust my husband….that he must be doing something to cheat on our marriage while he is at work or engaged in a hobby or enjoying life to some degree. I have gone to the extremes of forbidding him to be in contact with old partners that he shared a significant past with, checked his phone calls, and then raged…….. Fantasized about how I would leave him…….And this is from my childhood of parents who weren’t there emotionally…..checked out, absorbed on their own problems……? Is this correct?
My mother was barely around so I was alone a lot (no father), she also isolated me when she was home, her addiction was more important than me and it didn't stop until she was close to 60. What was her addiction? Sex. So, I was exposed to sex as young as 4 yo. There was always a new man every few weeks or she would bring her one stands home and have loud sex all over the house as though I wasn't there. And, when I told her the noises were keeping me up at night, she laughed about it. She never used protection and would come up pregnant all the time, this was also during the AIDS epidemic, and she always would say she wouldn't be surprised if she had it. Actually, she got tested at 50 and was more shocked she didn't have it then testing negative. Looking back at it, I think she wanted to get it, why else would she have unprotected sex as a single mother to a daughter with no other family to care for her. I was told by my therapist that I was sexually abused but not in the way ppl think, it's called sexual perversion. I was also given mixed messages around sex, while my mother could sleep with 8-10 men a month, sometimes 2 at a time, I was only supposed to have sex as a married woman, and sex was only to make babies, I was told if I enjoyed sex, I was a whore. So, I have issues with sex and relationships.
Wow
How do attachment styles play into Borderline personality disorder 😢
Bpd is disorganized attachment. It is healable. Look into DBT therapy if you haven't already.
Disorganized attachment for me is constantly playing the game “hard to get”.
I relate to both anxious and disorganized attachment. Is that even possible?
Dude I'm with u. Same boat.
Yes it is. It is possible to have one dominant attachment style and parts of other ones.
If you are FA/disorganised and you are with a (severe) DA, your anxious side will come out more strongly. If your are with AA, you might become more DA.
What I need to heal. I think my unconscious mind has been sending me this message on and off for weeks.
Can we have more than one style of attachment?
I resonate a lot with this and the same time with the anxious one.
I guess since styles are an spectrum we can have traits of different ones.