How to Release Shame
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ต.ค. 2024
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I feel shame around the fact that my ego still expects me to be perfect. Giving it a goofy name and imagining it as a beefy overzealous bro that’s always trying to get me to do more pushups is how I smile and heal 💜
This helped me so much! I love your idea of giving it a goofy name and imagining it as a softer big bro vs. the hard big bro🙌🏾 I'd like to smile more while I continue to heal💗
I think Ima call mine “Kev”
haaaa that's beautiful! Thank you for sharing that
I love that! Totally going to borrow that. My ego will be Johnny Bravo from now on :D
@@elizabethlayne5119 Oh my god that's such an amazing coincidence, I seriously considered Johnny Bravo as well! He's so obsessed with being seen as effortless and cool and he's such an incredible dork :p
“A lot of us are feeling really ashamed.. at our inability to change things.” Stuck and in some subconscious patterns!!
Why do you say a lot?
“We are more than our conditioning”, that’s really powerful to hear. Thank you
Today I am feeling particularly shameful and this video was very helpful to understand myself.
I see you. So grateful that you found this video helpful.
Wow that’s So cool that the video popped up for you, hugs
@@sheilacrilly1830 Thank you so much!
I've been shamed my whole life. Being in my late 60's it hasn't been easy. Today is so different compared to how I grew up and I just carried shame with me my whole life.
Thank you I so appreciate these videos to help us on our journey's.
Exactly perfect. I lived through intense childhood trauma & I got out, did healing work, created a pretty normal life & for a long time the trauma was gone…it seemed. Then, all the things that have happened since Covid in our world triggered that old wound & boy, have I been in every one of those listed items. Definitely felt frozen in my reaction unable to release the fear & frustrated w myself that I’m acting out old patterns. I believe now that I’ve been experiencing C-PTSD. I know where it comes from just not so much how to stop my reaction. I’ve just started seeking help & this is a perfect reminder that it’s ok, I can forgive myself, that I can keep picking myself up, & support is a good thing. Love your work! Thank you 🙏
dr nicole just KNOWWSS what i need to hear. such perfect timing
Love that this was perfect timing for you.
Feel the same : )
Me too, it’s like midnight and I found this. I really enjoy her videos she comes across so genuine yet informative.
same.. perfect timing 💜💜💜
Absolutely love this one! Thank you Dr.Nicole! Also, in this video, you seem so much more passionate and relatable! 🤍💖💚
I feel so validated with the content of this video.. This also inspires me to understand myself more and build self-compassion.. which then leads to a healthier way of acknowledging and taking accountability of my unhealthy actions.
lots arises in me
as I watch this video.
mainly this:
I'm falling,
again, for another
unavailable person...
because the illusion and fantasy and escape
of this person, is all I've got...
so I let myself fall.
let myself get attached.
because I'm old now,
and the deepest shame and agony
of my life, is that I've never-ever been
in an intimate-romantic relationship...
and the reality of this anguishes me, consumes me.
fills me with: grief, shame, rage, longing, loneliness, despair,
wanting, needing, desperation...
so I cling, achingly, to anyone
that shows me: any attention...
@radicalhonesty3628 I very much resonate with most of what you said. I completely understand the anguish of never having that connection we've always wanted and dreamed about. I know we must connect with ourselves first, I just don't really know how. Wishing you all the very best
I love being able to see the OLD PATTERNS and THEN seeing the CHOICE -even if you don't take it! When you SEE it you don't have to BE it! I do exactly what you are explaining, thank you for expressing it so eloquently!
You have a wonderful gentleness with your delivery of this message. It helps to feel that I can be more kind to myself. Permission not be be shameful of shaming. Thank you
Not even half way through...this is so good. Thank you!
I DEFINITELY have strong emotional reactivity..and feel so awful for it..needed to hear this
I love this. I have felt shame recently over the end of a relationship in which old attachment struggles came up and were very powerful. I am learning now to validate the intense emotions that can occur for me in close relationships and give myself compassion when I feel fear or the urge to avoid. It feels good to let go of guilt over not being "fully healed", but instead to acknowledge my progress each day and each year and continue developing compassion, insight, and healthy patterns. Thank you Dr. Nicole
I am one foot on the dock and one in the boat- I feel that I need to be alone and get myself more in a place of healing. And I am ashamed that I know this but am afraid to end it. Shame sucks.
@@happylindsay4475 shame does suck, so much. I hope you are further along now in your journey of healing of shame.
The thing that I love about this channel (just found it!) is how the therapist talks about their own struggle and experience, sharing the burden with us listening and how they coped with it. Great videos! Thanks so much for these.
I found that too, I'm drawn to her since she describes herself as a work in progress. So refreshing!
"We are so much more than our conditioning." Thank you! ❤
Ive been doing ego work and i really find myself in tears when i just start believing the stories it says. I have to really journal and self talk myself out of destruction. I know I need to accept it. Thanks for this 🧡❤️
Don't give up!
What does your ego say? If you like,please share
Wow did I need to hear this today! This week I had a ton of extra work +stress, compounded by CoVID and election stress, and fell off my morning meditation and writing routine this week. Immediately became self-critical. Thanks for reframing these experiences 👍
Oh, thank you so, so very much!!!! I’ve been struggling with this for a few weeks now. I know it’s 3 hrs since you made this video, and I only found you recently, in the last month (November 2023, as it is now December 13, 2023). It all comes when it’s aligned. 🙏🏽💚🙏🏽
Give yourself grace compassion and flexibility for your very real wounds..do not feel shame for your wounds..thank you so much. Never heard this articulated before. Cried
Thank you so much! I NEEDED this!!!
I cannot put my finger on what’s different about Nicole but I do notice that my brain “allows” the information to be heard, to truly sink in somewhere that feels meaningful for change.
I have a feeling that the way she defines concepts and explains information in a way that quietens the incessant distracting questions that pop up constantly.
It feels calming.
I am inspired and grateful for this work 🌺.
That's such a superpower that you can do that. My biggest problems with positive change is convincing my sub consciousness about the newfound habit & standards & then reasonably stick to them when practical..
My conscious self & ability to self reflect is alive & well but because I often am time poor & I prioritise one thing over another, as we all have to do sometimes, that's when a powerful shame feeling raises its ugly head & it can derail positive momentum .
@@carpathianken
Order of Men 9 Skills to Master.
your videos always come at the perfect time for me! so relevant to my current situation. your work is so needed.
I'm so glad to hear that! Thank you.
Ohh same, I have just gone no contact with my family. This is extremely helpful right now
@@TheHolisticPsychologist I have the same feeling!. Maybe I can forgive myself for all the time I’ve lost due to depression. Maybe I can pave over self sabotage with a lot of work.
I feel like the feeling of shame can also be triggered by certain environments or situations that remind us of past feelings making it more challenging to differentiate our subconscious behavior. It’s okay to be slow at recognizing this but being able to recognize this is key!
in Pedagogy of Autonomy, Paulo Freire declares “i like being human because, unfinished, i know that i’m conditioned, but aware of that ‘unfinishment’, i know that i can go beyond it. that’s the deep difference between the determined and the conditioned being”.
this book was the first contact that i did with his work and it still resonates in me, really meaningful to all my healing/transforming journey. so, I couldn’t help reminding that while watching the video. thank u for that.
to everyone out there on the process, following the same journey: you’re not alone.
love from Brasil ❣️
thank you so much for this, i also want people to know that when you set boundaries people may be upset and try to break those boundaries because they think you are setting them due to something they are doing wrong, or that there’s something wrong with them. I’ve experienced this and i felt an EMENCE amount of shame because i though i was wrong for setting boundaries because it was hurting other people. BOUNDARIES ARE NOT BAD. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. you have to do what’s best for you. Boundaries are healthy.
The apology & accountability is SO important!! ❤
👋😁. Thanks.
5:22... That's huge. Umm, in June of '04 I set a goal for myself that I would do yoga everyday, even if it was only one Asana. I even picked a pose that I could do anytime anywhere. Some days I found myself inspired to do several, other days I struggled to make sure I did the one. ...but as I the months turned into years I felt more and more comfortable with that being my norm. I kept that practice through a huge move across the country by myself to get away from what I was finally ready to tackle, toxicity from my parents.
The other big piece in this was I was forbidden to do yoga as a young person, I was told it was Satanic...so as I embraced the practice in 2004 I was actually reclaiming what I was not allowed in 1976, 1977, 1978 ish. ...🤔, Actually, '79 too, before I finally gave up fighting about it.
Toxic stuff is so hard to confront. It takes a lot of courage.
I could go into a lot more and as time goes by I'll probably share more.
Yoga is so healing! Congrats to you. You’re a rockstar! Get it!
@@breakingwesica thanks! 👋😁.
Wow, Doug Arnold, thanks for sharing this! I’m sure your experience helped you discover a hidden reservoir of inner strength. Yoga has done wonders for me and I love it, but I can’t fathom dealing with what you did just to practice. 🙏🏼
@@ozywomandius2290 Thank you. Now I have a term to describe my mother... spiritual narcissist. Back then I didn't know that but I worked through it intuitively.
I can remember as early as five years old sitting in the pick up between my Mom and Dad while my mother went through a toxic rant at my father because he took Jehovah's witness literature...🙄
@@dougarnold7955 thank you so much for sharing your story💗.
I'd also like to thank you for terming your mother, because it also termed mine--she is also a spiritual narcissist and it has greatly affected our relationship, my life and many of my life choices.
I began praying for God to remove toxic relationships in my life--out went my mother, sisters and my marriage.
I could stand in a pool of tears, all thankful for that one prayer. It felt like hell going through the "process," but as I continue to heal I see that hell for me was living my life for all of them and ignoring my inner self and God bc their voices were louder--always have been. Much louder, much stronger and so much more critical. So much of my life was not my own, but actually theirs.
Until God woke me up and told me to claim the life that He gave me back. This is my gift, not to be confused with theirs and I have nothing to be ashamed about (bc I lost my desire to continue in relationship with them for the first time in my life).
I am allowing myself to believe that this is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I will not take this life for granted!
I've been stuck here with shame. I thought i was stuck with neglect. Now its shame.
Thank you.
I want to get to an ideal weight and was just beating myself up by the numbers I saw on the scale. I was doing so well and then fell back into the rut so being told not to be ashamed is nice...
I hope anyone watching this has a lovely day!
You are a beautiful soul. The way in which you express yourself feels so real and authentic, thank you. for a few years now I've had shame about my addictions, but recently learnt that the deeper meaning is a fear of self and not knowing how to love myself. Now I don't feel ashamed of my addictions as it's a reminder when I fall back into the old pattern to love myself and accept. This alone has helped loosen the grip of my addictions massively.
Falling off the routine is part of the journey. Thank you. Just what I needed to hear.
The ability to extend compassion to myself is the answer to everything.
I know it, but got to practise and practise in order to really live it.
Thank you for all the work you do 💜
best video ever, thank you!
If you offered a retreat I would sign up in a heartbeat. Your coaching method is so clear to me and I wish I could have you as my personal therapist!♥️
Thank you for this video. Very helpful! It's a saying I heard that I believe we all could use "life is hard enough, dont be hard on YOURSELF!!" Being conscious & acknowledging our habits/changes but not beatting yourself up!Honesty & Forgiveness is key. Learning to be more graceful with myself in these moments.
Gifted teacher. Thank you!
❤️ this ressonates sooooo much. I feel like im floating, listening to this. Im experiencing that My ego goes all crazy in this healing journey, it litteraly makes me depressed. It always demands more of me and asks me why i cant just shift everything and do all the work in one effin night. Naming my impatient ego Egon. My higher self is always proud of me, it is patient and knows that the natural healing pace is way slower than my ego can accept and that is perfectly fine.
I still believe that it’s good to feel ashamed of some things I do, (or have done) but I recognize now that some shame is really toxic. Thank you for clarifying more about what the distinction is. I hope I can remember this when I feel stuck. This is such helpful wisdom! ❤❤❤
Shame and guilt are very interesting topics. Brene Brown touches on this too. Healing is constant.
Omg that fear and embarrassment of putting boundaries in place and putting emphasis on self care..... Thank you for naming that. I don't understand why I struggle so hard with taking care of myself while I watch others do so seemingly with zero effort. I'm making a renewed resolution to putting boundaries in place and putting my self care first. Thank you Dr Nicole. ❤ ShineDee
My therapist talked to me about the "encoding" I got when I was young that leads me to isolate myself today and I felt really uncomfortable. The "setting boundaries" talk makes me feel similar, if not more afraid. So that's something I gotta look deeper into.
"stuckness" is such a GREAT word when it comes to describing change! Awesome Nicole, thanks for this!
Thank you for this, shame has been a huge hinder as I see old patterns.
I felt so so good watching this. Someone telling me ITS OK, you're doing well Thank you Nicole! Also your words and voice was so calming and just really confident, too.
Thank you thank you thank you a million times. I so needed this Nicole, I felt it so much and it has already increased the trust I am building of myself. Thank you with all my heart ♥️
This video is amazing. Thank you for it. Shame is such a deep part of our society. Part of it comes from the consumerism. Some of it comes from a colonial mindset. It is so hard to shift such ingrained thoughts as it comes from a deep mindset
Your transparency regarding your own life & authenticity helps all of us. You're a gem of a person!
Thank God for your wisdom. I've been having seizures and really have been sick for a year with no answers. Im now learning about what stress and long-term depression/anxiety can do to your health. Autopilot has been my coping mechanism. Thanks for always sharing. I think its helping my mental health I didnt realize was a thing.
This is extremely helpful. Exactly what I needed to hear right now. I do want to give myself grace, rather than beating myself up. Thank you, thank you, thank you dear Dr. Nicole.
Thank you so much doctor, I am in my healing journey and recently I’ve been noticing these repeating of old patterns issues and I was being so self critical and shaming myself, like i felt stuck and I wanted to heal fast , I really take time to thank Universe that lead me to you and your videos . You have been a great help in my healing journey, Thankyou for answering my ‘why’s ‘.
Wow, this resonated with me! This week I had a ton of extra work +stress, compounded by CoVID and election stress, and fell off my morning meditation and writing routine. Immediately I became self-critical. Thanks for reframing these experiences 👍
Hahaha the idea of boundaries bringing up panic is really something i recognize, cool video!
Thank you so much. I was crying while watching this bc I am blaming myself and I feel ashamed for being self destructive despite of the work that I have done on myself for the past 2yrs. The video moved me bc this made me feel like I wasn't hopeless after all. I felt the grace and compassion from this teaching. Going through healing isn't easy and it won't guarantee a reliable relationship just bc you've started the healing journey. But rather it's about learning despite of pain. And someday maybe, someone who practice self-kindness and self compassion will cross our paths then maybe, we can both give each other the same thing we give ourselves and maybe that's gonna be enough reason that everything will work out eventually.
Wow, I’ve literally felt ashamed of everything on that list! For as long as I know! This is so eye opening and incredibly helpful. 🙏❤️🌟thank you
So incredibly providential. Thank you. I've been dragging around shame for as long as I can remember, and I've seen minimal change (and maximum stuck-ness) in the 30 years I've been alive.
I love how your channel and you approach is changing. I’m happy to watch you it helps especially that your getting really real and makes it comfortable to be ourselves and continue growing, and love all the things🫶🏾😘💪🏾💗
Shame is something I deal with on a daily basis. Being compassionate - and not criticizing - oneself is pretty hard, but so worth it! Thank you for all your work. It has been an intense jouney with you, Nicole! 💗
thank you. to step in to that light that reveals whats hidden in the darkness shows for me that there is a law that demants our absolute devotion, or it woud lead to destruction (tho no one is perfect i find it recamendable that u find it worth stribing for, to me encuraging) , but ur honesty and willingness to shed light over situasions is realy brave.change demands peacefull surroundings. and the solution is love and forgivness. i realy liked the thing u said about seeing that old way alomst dictating ur next move. practice breathing to start a process of creating a new behaviour from a more dominant state of beeing, practical! again thank u, this was entertaining and helpfull. Bad associations, in anny form is a settup for failure, we need support. (sry bad english).
I love your content Dr Nicole. Very articulate and gentle approach, very relatable as well. Most of all, you’re very realistic about it being hard work. I despise videos that says that one thing will fix everything - thank you for helping the world heal.
Great tools here. Excellent video and this is vital as shame invades getting past the subconscious looping nightmare involving a weird concept of toxic,faux "safety".
Deep breath and sigh. Thanks for everything 💗
I really appreciate the depth of your analysis, both here on TH-cam and on Tik Tok.
Exactly! We should not be ashamed for these things at all so many times we try to push these away and that just causes more chaos. Thank you for this 💖
Great content! This really makes sense. I heard someone describe sticking to negative patterns as "better the hell you know." I know this consciously, but I've been confused about why I stay stuck. Thanks for teaching me how to change things.
This video was so incredibly helpful and validating. I'm currently releasing alot of supressed emotions and letting go of old beliefs/fears/etc. Alot of root and sacral chakra healing.
Thank you so much.
THIS is your most honest, the realest, the most human and down-to-earth video, i FELT the empathy from you towards me and us!
I felt shame today because i am stuck, lol.
I find your videos so helpful - it’s like a gentle kind understanding hug - you always leave feeling better. Thank you.
Ohhh 🙌 Thank you so much. Just before the pandemic, I was on a great track of Reparenting, having habits, self care, Human and nature connection, etc. With the virus, everything sort of fell apart and I really struggle getting back on tracks. The thing is, I want to be a psychologist...So I feel a GREAT amount of shame for falling back in my old habits and not finding out how to help myself. So when you said "how can I help others if I can't help myself", it just hit me in a good way. THANK YOU 🙌
So thank you, thank you
This is what I needed to hear this morning. The dirty dishes is my emotional trigger for sure and it sends me wayyy back to my wounded child who doesn't feel heard or acknowledged or validated...especially when I self sacrifice to do my own chores and my partner respects himself instead and his limits. That sends me for a spin full of shame and my old patterns...
Thank you so much for this. Every single thing you mentioned resonates with me. This was very helpful for my healing journey. I am always way too hard on myself and I’ve been on this healing journey for many years now but still have so much work to do. I want to be more compassionate to myself. Thank you!!
Thank you. Thank you for holding a space for anyone who is walking this path of healing the self. Thank you for shining a light on the little girl who has been patiently waiting for me to turn around and embrace her where she is.
Wow. Best video yet! Thank you so much for your work and helping us learn to do the work too. Truly life changing content. ✨
Great explanation for things “Things Not To Be Ashamed Of.” Thanks again for such a knowledgeable video. I’ve spent my life being ashamed I was alive until I started my healing journey last Jan. However, toxic shame is still the most difficult adverse effect of childhood abuse to rid yourself of. I relapse all the time. At least now I know that is what I’m afflicted with and why. I just don’t always know when it’s coming on or how to stop it. I’ve gotten a little better. You would think that after all the work I’ve put into my journey, I would be much better by now. Like you said, it “stays in your subconscious and old patterns feel safe.” Unfortunately, they also destroy your entire life. I’m trying so desperately to keep recovering and recognize every time when I’m reacting out of shame. It’s so frustrating. It makes me just want to give up. I’m 55 years old and have already wasted most of my entire life by living from a fundamental shameful belief about myself. This video gave me a little more understanding and hope. It also made me feel less alone. ❤
Nothing wasted, you are here now and more alive 〰️🔆💟〰️
@@earthpearl3790 Thank you so much for your kind words and support. ❤️🙏😊☮️
Thank u. I hold my shoulders down and my head. Shame is awful and hard to change. My mom bless her. My parents were both narcissistic!!!! I had a therapist tell me nothing worse
Thank you for this. I had been struggling so much with having a hard time returning to work and working on my business. I would have days where I did good and then days where I just did nothing. Struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts paired with CPTSD has been absolutely crippling.
It's great to know that a lot of it is physiological as well and I literally have to work against my actual body to make changes. It lets me be kinder to myself.
My subconscious finds your logic, illogical.
I like your thoroughness
Thank you for sharing!
Encouraging path is ahead me with these tips.
So glad to have found you Nicole!
You are truly authentic and have such talent with clarity and compassion.
You are so easy to hear and encouraging!
Thank you for all you do! Know you are making a difference to so many!
Will look for any book you write❤
This has been so helpful, my partner is exactly like this and I've asked him to seek healing or our relationship will be no more. And so I've shared this with him so that he can see I'm not just making this up, I went to school for psychology and I've told him everything you've said but of course doesn't have open ears to receive the message of healing from me. So I so appreciate you making this. Thank you!!!
Changing people who are not ready to put in the work healing can be a task by itself...🤔 Wishing him well
I'm so happy you're on youtube. I love your instagram, its given me great insights that i can bring into therapy and share with others. thank you for your work. unveiling shame is my greatest challenge
Thank you. These insights help me not be hard on myself!
That was AMAZING and could not have reached me at a better time! Thank you 🙏🏽
So so perfect right now! I’ve literally just been wondering about this - Why can’t I just make the changes that I Know I need. I do feel broken and find myself wondering if I can ever be “fixed”.
So grateful for your ideas and support!!
This is wonderful thank you xxx
You are a blessing Dr. Nicole.
Thank you for this video Nicole! Your content is helping me also work through my own wounding. This is a message people deserve to hear. 🌈💜
Thanks Dr. Nicole! It is easy to feel shame and blame towards oneself.. but you remind us to be kind to ourselves
Listening to Dr. Nicole, i felt not alone to this codependency reality experience. I felt heard and understood. Above all, i felt like a normal human person, who is so deeply wounded but with the clear understanding in me now that there's hope of changing, regaining, and being my authentic self again.
I love Dr. Nicole❤️
Thank you for sharing in such detail wrt to this subject. I absolutely appreciate how you break it all down, it resonates with me and helps remind me where some of my work is and especially to allow grace and compassion when I falter.
I have been following your channel for a couple of years now as well as your shorts!!!
Blessings and Aloha to you for all you share!🙏🏾🤲🏾🙏🏾💜💜
Such a great video, so important and relevant for ppl who lean into shame. This used to be me. 💗
Thank you so much, Dr. Nicole. I was grateful this morning to have the opportunity to practice belly breathing instead of reacting when relating to my Mother. It worked! But then as our conversation seemed to go off the topic and onto new and brighter things, she snuck in a few punches.. i was caught off guard and i was so wounded in the moment that i just got all angry anyway.. here I sit again, as an adult, still having my buttons pushed to ruin my entire everything i was working on and doing well.. got myself on a schedule.. all in one swoop AND reacting.. I needed to hear this part. It's like you're my psychic spirit guide and know when I need to hear your messages. The texts come when I need them most as well. I am grateful for Dr. Nicole.
Thank you for existing 💗 working so hard on taking accountability for my healing + still having compassion for myself when I inevitably mess up. These changes take time. Mistakes do not mean failure. Sending love!
This was really helpful to me today.
Falling off allows you to exercise your emotional muscle to get back on track, and practice self-compassion. Boundaries are limits we set as part of our self-care routine. We can break our old conditioning with awareness, compassion, flexibility and patience.
I really needed to hear this today. What a relief! I want to thank you for the work you do here. It helps me better than any in person therapy ever has.
So so needed to hear this today!! Thank you! Thank you!!🙏🌻💙
So timely, thank you for reminding me
I’ve watched this previously, and it popped up again today in my recommendations...perfect timing! Thank you for these concise, yet extremely powerful videos Dr Nicole! I also agree that your voice is very calming to listen to! ✨
Omg.. I soooooo needed to hear this. Grateful ♥️ 🙏 ♥️ 🙏 ♥️ 🙏 ♥️ 🙏