Is Your Partner Affected by Childhood Trauma? Here's What to Do.
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 ก.ย. 2024
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People with CPTSD can be angry, needy and unreasonable, but also smart, compassionate and wise. If your partner is affected by early trauma, these tips will help you take care of yourself AND offer support when he or she is experiencing symptoms.
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Wow
Thank you so much
I hope my boyfriend reads it
You really described exactly what it is.
I could've never said this
Thank you!
Awesome ques🤩😇
Please do a video on how to know if you’re healthy enough to be in a relationship or even friendship
awwww :( Healing is a journey, not a destination. Don't delay friendships til you feel more healed, for real, friendships can be so beneficial. You deserve friends... and don't expect to be fully healed before your next relationship because simply being in one will give you plenty more "opportunities for healing" (and by that I mean it exposes you to triggers that you'll need to work through in order to continue healing). Best of luck to you, it's so hard sometimes but it's so worth it to do the work
Lots of videos to come :)
All of us can be in friendships. And relationships are there for all of us if we’re willing to be honest, open and not keep any secrets.
I can be your friend, Nina:)
@@DiscoveryWonders aww, thanks! It's really hard for me to connect and that comment represents my # negative thought or "rationalization" for being alone. It's good to know that people care, even random internet people
This really helped me. My partner dissociates often then snaps she got into therapy it’s helped but before it, though it was taking a strain on our relationship. I am often looking to understand what’s going on. I’ve never loved someone so much but felt so helpless. I really appreciate your channel. It’s taught me a bit of what’s going on and how to be patient. Thanks !
How's that working now?
This advice works miracles, my girlfriend suffers from severe PTSD and depression. Taking time away from each other whether its 5 minutes helps us so much.
I just sent this to my partner, thank you. I do not always have the words to express my sometimes highly emotional reaction to things. I have the tendency to project and blame, I also tend to think about what love looks like and checkmark off the things he is NOT doing and assume I am not loved, I am not good enough, etc. I do not want to sabotage my most healthy and loving relationship. I often find myself waiting for bad things to happen, especially since things are going so good, and can manifest negativity into what we have. I am learning a lot about CPTSD and realizing I am not crazy and I am not alone. I am thankful to have a partner who is willing to learn with me and help me heal
Thank you Anna
I’m finding this advice helpful in terms of helping my son who has childhood PTSD from having a mother who has childhood PTSD. I’m only now learning how to regulate myself after children. I’m starting to let go of the shame that I have for not being the parent I thought I would be. I’m trying to forgive myself for what I did not know. But also trying to give my children access toInformation that will help them have a more chance to learn how to regulate their emotions. There by breaking the cycle in our family. Thank you for the work that you do.
Awesome work! Both my kids were taught to do the Daily Practice at a young age they didn't do it every day like I have for many years but it helped. bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am trying to teach my adult kids, while trying to not be controlling.
Great points. Super challenging when both partners have C-PTSD.
My husband had a very traumatic childhood followed by 4 years in the Marine corps including over a year of combat deployment. I'm autistic, ADHD and have trauma issues of my own, which has led to a complete inability to walk away from the relationship. We've been married 10 years and have 3 children together. It hasn't been an easy road. Your videos have been so helpful for me.
This has helped me SO much. I have BPD & CPTD. I have been working on myself everyday with therapy and holistic methods. My partner is a very stable and secure attachment style and I can confide with him. I am more high functioning. It upsets me when people say that its impossible to 'be with someone who has childhood trauma' or 'BPD' and that hurts deeply. People have also said that in order to heal, you need to be on your own. So many mixed messages. If you wouldn't mind clearing up those things? Otherwise THANKYOU SO MUCH xoxo
What would really help, is if we had “live-in” situations that were/are healthy so we can slowly retrain our brain over time, just as our brains were trained to dysregulate in childhood.
My CPTSD manifests as people pleasing and if I get triggered i go very quickly into shut down. I attract bossy types that quickly shut me down and am married to someone who frequently dismissed and shuts down my feelings and blames me for every problem on earth. I came to see if I could share this with him to help him understand things better but oh my gosh this would be the biggest ammunition for him “see I told you you’re always unreasonable and over the top!” Except that most of the time I’m very quiet, measured and think sometimes for days before speaking, since I mainly shut down anyway. I kind of wish there was something I could share because he triggers so many of my shut downs with his brash, loud manner and constant criticisms.
your husband seems to be blocking your healing. i would give him the chance to watch the video though anyway, to make sure you are not projecting your fears onto him. if you are right, and he abuses you further, it might be time to re-think your marriage. either way you would have to eventually stand up for yourself and clearly set your boundaries so that he, and others, know what behaviours you find acceptable and which you don’t. there is a lot of information on so-called “boundary work” out there, because it has to be done appropriately. if you are afraid of losing him, and/or friends/family if you do so, you are stuck in codependency, and will eventually suffer burn-out. you’d be surprised though the turn-around standing in your power can cause in your relationships. ...unless they’re a true narcissist, in which case you lose either way. when you’re ready, and feel it’s appropriate. just know, you ARE worthy of a relationship you deserve.
He sounds like a narcissistic
Praying for you 💖
If you’re not already a Christian, turn away from your and follow Jesus.. pray for your husband’s salvation and transformation as well, there’s always hope in Christ Jesus 🙏🏻 the book of Hosea in the Bible is a great example of that. Marriage is HARD but well worth fighting for. My relationship with God has really sustained me through betrayal and all kinds of marital challenges. Praying He will strengthen and sustain you as well.
1 Peter 5:6-7
6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Wow. I have CPTSD and I have spent years in therapy but no on ever described so well the experience of brain fog and confusion. I called it a "white board that got erased". Thank you for this.
I like your white board analogy! Welcome.
It took me a while to catch on to what was going on with my partner and by then we had had a lot of polarization and we had emotional motion sickness from the roller coaster ride of push pull that was really intense and exhausting.
We were both so hurt that ending it was the most compassionate thing we could do. It's been two years. I miss her and still love and care about her. I wish I knew then what I know now. Thank you for your this post and your TH-cam channel! I appreciate what you're doing! Please keep doing it :)
Thank you for sharing with us!
I hope ur doing ok.. I can imagine exactly how you feel but want you to take comfort - I feel like I’m armed with all the knowledge ‘to help’ but it still feels so hard. Like the opposite of everything I know to be healthy even if I understand why. I guess I’m saying it helps understanding but at the same time, that gets us so far. We all have needs and the line between trauma and abuse can be fine. I hope you’re healing with time xx
I really, really love your videos with all your wisdom. My husband also had a crappy childhood. It took him a long time to notice it and many, many therapies to work it out. However, not all symptoms will go away but there are many strategies to manage that. We fell in love 4 years ago and even though it can be really challenging at times (as I am carrying my own backpack too) I can accept and deeply appreciate our relationship as it is. I'd even say that I would not want to have it any other way. I really enjoy the role of the "care taker", "nourisher" and "healer" I think.
I definitely agree when you say to ask permission first of your partner to comfort them while they're experiencing dysregulation.
I had to watch this TWICE!! This helps so much. Really wanna be better for the people that see great in me
This is a critically important video for those of us with this affliction and/or history to share with our partners.
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, at least speaking from myself, have an incredibly hard time explaining what the hell is going on within them and why they are acting the way they are. I get incredibly frustrated when they can't see what I believe are blatantly obvious signs of discontentment, when I'm really just looking... neutral.
Here's one thing we're trying to remember: A couple which grows within together will grow closer at the same time. If one person improves themselves beyond what their partner can handle, or vice versa, then on the scale of closeness they're obviously leagues apart and it falls to shite.
I'm speaking to a girl I dated when I was 16 right now (I'm 29, we're talking a high school thing here, we have no resentments and are both in relationships) and are actually discussing why we acted the way that we did, all of our unresolved trauma, our bouncing around the country/world our entire lives, our screwed up childhoods...
It's like we're saying everything we should have said at the end of the relationship over a decade ago. It really is a beautiful thing.
I'm here for all of you, if not online, then in spirit.
Preach brother!
thanks for this message of healing!
I tried so hard to do all the right things and be a patient and supportive partner to my ex with CPTSD. We went to two different couples therapists, and our own individual therapy. I found it really difficult to distinguish between difficult but acceptable CPTSD triggers, and emotional abuse. At first they would go silent/ emotionally withdraw (a deeply ingrained childhood coping mechanism). Then they started lashing out at me semi-regularly, often for what seemed like small things (example: giving too many options for places to eat and overwhelming them). I would try to tell myself that it was cptsd and not to take it personally, but I would still always feel hurt. When I told them I understood why they said what they said, but that I still felt hurt (I wanted to be open and honest), they would say I was invalidating their emotions, or too sensitive, and go silent again . Eventually, when they started mocking me, and saying hurtful things followed by "this isn't an invitation to cry," and then icing me after, I started repeating to myself over and over again "I deserve better." This gave me the courage to leave. I am still haunted, feeling like if I had just better understood CPTSD and read more, and detached more, and insisted on more honesty with our couples therapists, etc. etc. I could have saved this relationship and avoided the terrible heartbreak. I am haunted by the questions of "was this abuse or am I just not cut our for a relationship with these kinds of behaviors? Am I just ill-equipped to be a good partner for someone with CPTDS?". If anyone out there has been through something similar, I would really love to hear your input. I am hoping that I can heal from this, but finding it very difficult right now. I feel exhausted, anxious, and I miss them despite all the pain they caused me.
CPTSD may explain abusive behavior, but that doesn't mean you should put up with it! I hope you'll stick around and visit my website and see the tools and courses and community. It can help!
I am sorry that you had such an experience. It is really hard for both sides. I speak from experience as i myself have CPTSD and had partner who also had it, but we had different triggers and coping mechanisms.
It not easy to judge from the outside but from i read you did a lot to support your partner and save the relationship. However, there is a line, you also have to set boundaries for the sake of your own mental health. Sometimes you just take care of yourself too. It is not selfish ....Hugs
I wish I could find a partner that patient and compassionate.
I always feel better and more grounded when I watch your videos - thank you.
Oh good. I'm glad you're here.
This video is for partners that wants to understand and be supportive. It is ammunition for narcissistic partners that are looking for different ways to excuse their behavior in re-traumatizing the trauma survivor.
Is it worth it being in a relationship with such a person?
Amelia Mulder Is it worth being re-traumatized?
When someone asks "What's wrong with you?!" is probably one of the worst things you can "ask",. It sounds judgemental and hurtful and exacerbates the situation.
Disregulated.....when my partner get SO frustrated he physically turns into an 8 yr old and I feel sad that my husband isn’t there! I would try and take a pause....go to a park or something but he’d only get angry and I’d get blamed for not caring enough . It’s so hard to want to calm a person when your being blamed for not giving enough
It is very painful and not healthy to be stuck in!
Omgoodness finally something that actually helps! I've been searching for this ALL my life.
Yay! You're here!
I'm not in a relationship at the moment but this would've been so helpful when I was. I'd love to see a video on friendships/acquaintanceships/work relationships among folks with cptsd!
Same guidelines in this video, apply to friends!
I'm applying to my best friend dumping me recently. It totally works/happens the same way. Watching this gave me a flashback of where I used to be in my dysregulation & where I am now w/utilizing skills. It's giving me compassion for both of us although I don't have much hope of us ever being close enough in our recoveries to rekindle our friendship. Sometimes the gap is just too big & we aren't going to be in a zone where my recovery isn't too far ahead & intimidating. I don't have a big ego. My counselor had to point this out. It's painful & isolating. Good luck, sweet soul.
CPTSD requires kindness, true compassion and yes, boundaries for both members in the relationship.
It is NOT manipulation intended at the core of the sufferer, the reason why we cling on to others is because is tremendously hard to self regulate, we are shamed and even pathologized by others, most don't work on themselves and so the respond with their own issues, at the end most don't get deep enough when someone is working on their healing to really understand and connect with anyone who may have emocional / nervous system issues with out staying in the surface of a harsh judgment. Is stigmatized still out of lack of true understand instead of judgment.
I am the traumatized partner (single at the moment), so watching this is a good insight to how someone might perceive myself.
Cptsd is literally ruining my entire life. I've made SO many foolish decisions that have affected my work, ALL my relationships, my finances. Every single aspect is affected. I'm working on healing, but I don't seem to have made that many strides...
Same :(
Anee Icha that’s so sweet, really warmed my heart . Feels good to know there are people who know and understand what is hard to explain. Thank you for the words of support
And for the hint about Daily practice . I shall try it. The results you shared give me some hope
Wish you full recovery soon 🙂. To everyone of us actually ❤️
It's really challenging when they choose to stay in victim mode, angry and defensive talking about the whole world is the enemy, they won't discuss , just take off leaving you alone with all the crappy feelings ....
Totally agree they need to take responsibility. Blaming others is not ok
What an amazing video. It's so tough as partners to responsibly and respectfully walk with our partners through the storm without making things worse. As humans it is easy to feel unloved or unwanted and to take that very personally. Over time, this can break even the strongest relationship. What I love about this video is that it doesn't let the person with CPTSD off the hook (so to speak).. they still have to show up ("Meet halfway"). By the comments, I am guessing that there are a lot of us who (CPTSD or the partner) who are trying really hard without success. The bottom line is that both have to be willing to be aware, be respectful, bend a bit, and grow. So much harder - for many of us - than you might think. Thank you for your amazing videos.
Thanks for your thoughts :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
EMDR brainspotting therapy helped me.
Tonya stutz, thank you for sharing for positive experience with EMDR.
I'm thinking of looking into EMDR for my husband. How many visits did you have before you saw positive benefits?
@@S.M.Jean-Mahmoud_Ier
Wow thank you so much for helpful reply.
@@pozee1111 Any healing with or without a therapist is more often a long journey. Unconditional love and support helps but please do not set your husband up to fail by expecting any quick fix , it will likely not happen and the person will have more harm done to them. The advice that results come quick is dangerous as a persons whole way of thinking and processing emotions is damaged, real love and support with other help and acceptance there are no quick fixes may in itself help the person . I wish you well in that journey and your husband heals. x
Thank you for this, I was looking for ways to be a better partner while they're healing. I'm healing, too, but our journeys are different paths that are equally important
I just a big big time with my husband for not being completely honest about his whereabouts when he was out. I found the truth searching his phone and the big fight started. I wish I would of listen to this adviced before arguing and many more things I did. Thank you for putting the right terminology to my emotional state right now. I’m so so disregulated. One day I’m okay another day I’m stuck remembering what happen and so on. I’m going to give myself time to regulate myself. Thank you so much for this information!
I'm glad you saw it :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for this info. Where are more resources for the partner- after 20 years I am exhausted and often need more energy and time than I have to rebound from his dysregulation caused behaviors
Thank you so much for this. My ex partner has CPTSD and I have made a great many of the mistakes you high light here . I wish I had found this 12 months ago or longer. Any further wisdom you may have to impart would be so appreciated. Holding love in your heart for a CPDST sufferer is so exhausting a help is always appreciated .
This video was life changing for me. Took me to the next level of healing. Thank you so much crappy childhood fairy!
The support system is priceless
Sending much love and healing vibes
Thanks so much for being here!
I deal with brain disregulation and the most important people in my life, people I lean on in a meaningful way, I’ve earmarked as people I refuse to fight with. (Generally hate fighting; I’ve done enough, and I’m well aware of my descent down the mortal coil) Wait until the heat passes and then I can find a decent way of putting my point across.
Well said, that only comes from insight and is so right.
Men have this issue too.
Yes, of course. Thank you for being here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's the complete opposite for me. When I'm dysregulated I know I need space to sort it out because if I don't I go completely blank and can't do anything anyway, I NEED space but my husband insists on me talking or telling him what's going on, he did this last night and it's like I just can't talk and his yelling only makes it worse.
Impossible to re-regulate when getting yelled at, not your fault!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You are my hero, just listening to you inspires me so much.
I used to beg my ex to hug me when I was dis regulated, but he was too upset to do it; and I would blow up! I was the one with Cptsd. Thank you for the help you have given me. I’m 55 and divorced twice due to not knowing how to regulate. But the daily practice is really helping me.
I'm so glad!
-Cara@TeamFairy
All sounds good on paper. In real life, the partner lies, cheats, disappears, is unreliable, unaccountable, and is very self-focused. Treating them nice and holding back your emotions seems to feed the intensity not calm them down.
The most important question to answer about them is if this person wants to grow out of this... the most important question about yourself is if you're capable of unconditional love, because if you're not you'll trigger their ego and they'll see you as untrustworthy and they'll probably resist change. I'm currently trying to figure these questions out myself.
@i..am.. I somewhat disagree. I was capable le of unconditional love. She made it seem easy at times, and acted like she didnt care at other times. In this process, I started to lose myself. I needed to let her go or I would have become a shell of the person I was. It was the hardest thing I ever did.
@jamesgerboc I'm really sorry that happened to you. I'm in the same situation myself. I really hope I can keep this man in my life but you're right... you will lose yourself if they continously swing in and out of trying and never make any actual movement towards healing. I'm at the event horizon with this man, either be grows or I'm out... he's protesting my boundaries constantly but he is accepting them... I'm waiting to see if he's going to try to use a blow up to snap things back to where he wants them... I keep having to give him less and less access to my life every time he starts the drama. He's at the edge of being a stranger at this point. My next step is to move on. If I were younger I'd give him no contact here and there but I'm not looking to try to heal anybody, I'm looking for positive experiences and love. I hope you've found those things yourself ❤️
I see lots of comments that people who have cptsd come to this video hoping their partners would see it or wish they’re partners could have heard what she said so that they’d understand... I’m here as the partner to someone who has cptsd. We are going on year two of our marriage, and I’m realizing that I truly don’t know what to do to help him, if anyone has advice for me that they wish they’re partners could have done, I’d appreciate that ❤️ I just want to help him and be a better partner
:)
I’m in a similar situation but I’m not married yet so I wouldn’t be able to give a great advice. But I have tried the basic things she said in the video and it really helps. Afterall it’s kinda up to your partner whether he wants to be better or not. And most important, always know your boundaries :)
Here’s some tips from the one with CPTSD.
1) When we get triggered, our emotions are disproportionate to the situation at hand, and unless we’ve had therapy to help us see it, we probably won’t recognize what’s going on. Anything that will calm us that you may have seen we like (suggesting taking a walk, taking a shower, getting some rest, taking a break apart from each other if necessary, etc).
2) We may or may not want/need a hug. Ask us before touching us, and more than likely, we’ll realize we do need/want a hug.
3) Sometimes, we need to be mirrored to be understood, or to understand that our behaviors may or may not be acceptable, because our childhood development was disrupted repeatedly. (In my case, I have multiple medical issues, a major fall from a tree with a nasty head injury, constant conflict and chaos with 5 siblings, emotional neglect, and sexual molestation by my older brother.) And the sad thing is… this was all normal to me, except the sexual abuse. The rest, I just thought that’s how families interact.
4) When we’re triggered, our emotions will be all over the place, or we’ll completely shut down from being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do with our emotions.
5) I would have liked if my husband physically took some things off my plate without me having to say or ask, but he cannot read my mind. ;)
6) Take care of yourself, keep doing things you love doing, and take care of the kids (if you have any) when your partner is unable to. Discussing when and how this division of labor occurs is up to each couple, of course.
7) Find ways to help us just relax and not be so on edge. Suggest playing games, watching favorite movies, or going out on a date to get out of the house.
8) Set and keep boundaries with us and for yourself. Let us know what you can/cannot handle, so we know where each person in the relationship starts and ends. Many of us had little to no boundaries growing up, or our boundaries were repeatedly violated, making it difficult for us to set and keep boundaries for ourselves and with others. If you model healthy boundary-setting, actions speak louder than words. If your person can’t handle boundaries (like I couldn’t, because I had mine repeatedly violated), you may need to set some firm boundaries and appropriate consequences if that boundary is crossed.
There are so many other things that could be helpful, but I’m honestly struggling to think about them right now. Lol Yay dysregulation! 🙄😬
When I get disregulated I loose the ability to express myself. I freeze up in fear and can't speak or make eye contact. My wife sees this as stonewalling and gets quite offended. I have struggled very hard to be able to say while I am in such a state, that I can not talk and need time to calm down. unfortunately this is met with a demand to know when we will talk, and "when I am calm" does not seem to be a valid answer. Is there anything I can do to help her understand that I'm dealing with my own issues, and not actively trying to hurt her?
I suggest trying the Daily Practice every day, taking care of ourselves makes a big shift in others' perception of us. bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was sure my husband had Narrasstic tendencies. But after watching this video I research this new info a bit more. Thank you. I pray for all if you struggling with a partner with these issues. It can very overwhelming and disruptive to your mental and emotional state. Narc vs CPTSD. New to this channel so its all new to me . I'll wait and researcg it more.
Great instinct to explore more possibilities!
I needed to hear almost every word of this. Thank you. It's easy to get sucked in with the blaming during dysregulation!
THANK YOU! I really needed to watch this video today. It helps me to understand better what my partner is going through when he gets triggered. He is learning to manage his emotions now which is great, but he still gets triggered. I know it's not about me but it still feels crappy. I want to be compassionate and understanding and supportive because he's absolutely worth it. I'll keep these things in mind when we are in those situations. I'm really glad I found your videos- these are helpful for me in dealing with my own trauma but also responding to his in a more compassionate way. Thanks again!
"Sometimes the urge to 'process' the feeling is overpowering" : Yes, I can SO relate to that feeling. However, you are so right that forcing yourself to fight that urgency and take space or wait until you are regulated to talk to your partner (or whomever) is the only thing that will make your problems yours to change (which is empowering) and not this other person who didn't cause your trauma and who loves you and doesn't deserve the collateral damage of your trauma (your inappropriate responses due to disregulation).
Yep.
I know my comment basically summarized everything you've already said, but I said it just to emphatically agree that those things have been my personal experience with my trauma too (rather than tell you or anyone here anything they don't already know). :) Your videos are so very helpful and your perspective on CPTSD is truly priceless.
Now imagine both partners being mostly introverted 'war veterans', thoug not the same variety, there were times in the past when communication was really hard, but we figured it out, and still are working on bettering it day by day. We don't lick old woonds anymore, we focus on the little things we found out we bouth love to do. What made it easier with time was not so much talking (we do that lots too), but the platonic nonverbal components (hugs, holding hands), its just that much harder to have a fight about nothing when you are connected.
Beautiful, sweet. My partner and I are certainly both with CPTSD, and mostly everything is worse when we are away from each other. The presence and touch connection is super strong, and I feel can help overcome present dysregulation.
Even though we can both get triggered in each others presence, I think staying in our presence will help speed our reunion, and getting back to healthy communication, even if for the time it's painful.
Immense GRATITUDE! This answered a lot of questions & reminded me why this feels so uncomfortable from both sides since I've been on both sides now having found dysregulation skills in recent years. The reminder is timely in my life & provides me w/compassion for myself & the other person. Namaste'🙏🕉️
Thank you for this video. Trying to understand my partner who lost her father at a young age is really important to me and this gave me some really good tools.
Absolutely everything I would've killed to be able to tell my new partner as things are already getting soupy/foggy/angry/avoidant. Thanks so much Anne, I can just pass it on and walk about clean and soothed ♡♡♡
Hope it helps :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm in the process of working out what my partner has NPD or CPTSD, only last weekend I've woken up to that fact after being waltzed over / taken for granted /being emotionally abused etc. for 22 odd years, not anymore. Seeking professional help for me first, discussing the what, when where and how. I'm not her emotional punch bag, my thoughts and feelings do count and are not subservient to hers.
im someone whos been through dbt/cbt groups and therapy for the past 12 years and ive got the coping skills in my mind however when i am disregulated i cant seem to pull them out to use when things get heated anymore. ive noticed that ive made many efforts to communicate what it is exactly that i need in order to continue this progress and when you brought up outsourcing i felt guilty because we just had a talk where i explained that when i had outlined exact phrases or things to do if he wants to talk about a sensitive subject or if im going to accept his touch/compassion when im dysregulated over the past two years, he never did it or listened to the advice. so i felt as if i was regressing because i was trying to incorporate my dbt skills into daily interactions and read anger management books, pdfs, and youtube videos, but i wasnt getting the same effort back. im the only person he knows with cptsd and so i feel like the lack of effort has me regressing and reverting to yelling and self harm or breaking things bec ause i dont feel heard and the only time i see the will to learn is when i get angry and yell or cry even though hes told me he cant hear me when i do, and i;ts created a cycle where if i start out calm and composed, he wont hear me so i yell. i dont feel like im expecting too much because it feels the same as someone asking me to communicate with them in a particular way and i will learn how to. like love languages, if someone enjoys gifts im not going to give them physical touch, kind of deal. hes made huge progress the past two months when over the course of almost two years i feel like ive been breadcrumbed, and this now tangeable progress has my reptile brain signalling that something bad is going to happen and that i cant trust his progress will continue which in turn has magnified my hypervigilence and reactivity to mundane things. when i first brought up that i felt he will need to learn about cptsd i didnt make it his responsisbility to search for anything and i brought it to him and we listened to audio books, when he made it clear he wanted to do it on his own i stopped, but then he never made anymore effort to learn. do you have any insight or advice for what i can do to keep progressing while faced with this dilemma? @crappychildhoodfairy
I am my husbands target. He is divorcing me because he has no hope he will heal. He has lost it at his job. He triggers once per week when with me. He yells and leaves and stays at work. At first he would stay away only two days, then one week, then ten days. He tells me I can't contact him at all. I told him I can't see him anymore until he gets help. He contacted his former therapist. He refuses to stop divorce. This is a 28 year marriage. It's in God's hands. He blames me because he triggers.
I'm sorry that you're having a hard time. Taking care of yourself now is the best and only thing you can do, no chance making someone work things out if they are dysregulated. You can work on yourself using this method bit.ly/3608opl
Best of luck to you.
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy do you know the average time it takes for someone in therapy to get regulated again?
For me, I have gone from completely dysregulated and wanting to kill myself, verbally lashing out and lashing out in my sleep violently, or sometimes when startled or touched in the daytime to being able to hold my kids without fearing I’d hurt them, focus mostly on the conversations before me, and not get so flipping triggered within a little over a year. I also had severe sleep deprivation, so that really didn’t help me any. Started with therapy 2x/week, then went down to 1x/week after finances made it difficult to continue that pace.
I’m 30 and didn’t even know I had CPTSD until I had a catastrophic dissociative fuge last year from being triggered so badly.
But, the short answer is, it depends on the person and how willing they are to do the work of healing. For me, I absolutely needed intense multi-faceted therapy, and very nearly needed to be in 24-hour in-patient care for the state I was in. The only reason I wasn’t put in a facility is because my therapist said I had no support system at the time that I could trust or rely on to help me, so he did what he could, and has been absolutely essential to my healing.
The shame and guilt I feel for me reactions is hard to overcome, so it may be that your spouse feels so shameful of his reactions and is afraid he’s going to hurt someone. Catastrophic thinking and then we find “evidence” for our catastrophic thinking that leads to self-destruction in relationships.
Thank you so much for this video! I can't even explain what happens to me when I listen to them but i just truly feel SO loved, and, I even see things clearer! It's a little bit of a triumph for me. I'm always walking around with a mental fog that is constant. I feel so clear when I listen to these videos! And I have more love and acceptance of myself and others too! It happens immediately for me
That is beautiful @Morgan. I know the feeling you're talking about, and that which causes it has become the guiding force of my life.
I think my husband has been secretly watching your videos...
Thank you for your videos!
Wish you'd been around in 1995-6 when I remembered suddenly the way I'd been used for child sex porn and abuse at ages five thru 8. It destroyed me at age 42, ruined my 25- year marriage to a man who'd been nearly killed by his drunk father at two and never remembered it until he was on an acid trip with me in 1971 but never used the knowledge to do any growing or learning about himself; it destroyed my new relationship with our adopted daughter of 12 we'd only had for two years, ended my careers in film and education and ended most of my friendships. The only time my husband did anything to try to help he attended a group for "partners of childhood sexual abuse victims" and was told to never become " co-dependent" in the relationship, which we never were, and then he decided to dump me because my sister and her husband were waaaay beyond co-dependent and he thought that what I wanted us to do. I just needed him to be supportive and listen to me.
I am so tired, confused, and lost.
Better days will come soon for you!!!
I'm thinking about moving on...
Yeah, abuse is not workable.
TLDR: Thanks for posting this and I second hugs!
Thank you so much for this video. In the past, I have tried to explain some of this and was treated like I was in the wrong for saying so. Coming from someone else, maybe it will seem more legitimate. Also, a past partner instinctively starting hugging me sometimes when I got dysregulated. The first time I was surprised and amazed! I immediately went from being angry and “losing it” to feeling at ease and crying my eyes out from relief. I think it takes someone with an in-check ego and a certain amount of emotional maturity to understand and do this. At the time, I was upset about something not related to him, so that probably did help, too!
I should have asked more about her childhood. I should have really asked . I knew she had trama but not the levels that came out during her therapy .I should have went to therapy to understand her needs. I knew she needed a lot more love and I thought I did but it wasn’t the right type of love. I’m going to lose her or I already did . I love this woman so much .There more to the story but it was 80% of the issue. I never hit her, yelled , possessive , put her down , cheated , come home late drunk, ect. She said I just didn’t do enough emotionally and did do enough around the house. I should have been there for her 😢
Thank you so much from my heart. Your true love of healing comes through in every video and over 40 years of pain I have never seen someone be it book or video relate to me as much as you do
I struggled with my girlfriend of now 2 years trying to put together exactly what she was going through (neither of us knew)
Hearing you talk about all the symptoms made me internally think:
“YES, YES, AND YES!!!”
Oh good!
Thank you for this. Great tips I can’t wait to send to my husband.
I wish i had you 20 years ago! I could've saved a lot on therapy, books, and being alien. It's troubling how much investment put in, and how little professionals understand. I've felt so unrecognized, with disjointed treatments- thank you! THANK YOU! I feel peace.
For the longest time I cared if she was abusive, meaning I was trying to stop the abuse. Now I realize that I'm dealing with somebody with severe childhood trauma. Her mom said 10 years ago. She hasn't listened since she was 6 years old. I realize now her mom was telling me I did this to her when she started crying and said I don't know what I did wrong
THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO!! ♥
You're so welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
God blessed me with a wonderful husband he literally found me when I was at my worst we have been through a lot in our 37 years together but I pray that we continue working on ourselves and we will have one of the best marriages ever.
Amazing!
I've been in a relationship with a man with covert avoidance cptsd for 7 years and they were difficult. Also because I am a covert avoidance cptsd myself trying hard to make my life work. I loved him, I still do, but it was almost impossible for 2 adults with the same issue to have a normal relationship. I had to give up, the symptoms were not fading away and my daughter started to be emotionally effected by his coming and going. Very very sad because there was so much love between us... Thank you for all your work Anna! Much love from Italy
I've been combing through quite a few of your videos and this one, in particular, has just been so enormously helpful to me mentally, so thank you for spreading your understanding! I wish I had found your videos months ago, and had sought after some of these techniques when I was still with my best friend. Seeing and understanding these symptoms for partners is really important, so thank you again.
Since this resonates, I'm so happy you found it AT ALL... hardly anyone knows this stuff. I'm sorry your friend is gone, but there will be others!
Thanks so much , I am friends with someone with cptsd and this was very informative, She is in therapy and I am very hopeful it will help her in the long term.
Sending you both encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
WOW!!!! Okay, well, I am in one of these relationships and I'm the more dysregulated person. I have some healing to do. I have been doing your writing method and I do feel a lot better most days.
That's wonderful! So glad to hear that.
This has been so helpful that it's actually soothing. Thank you (:
For me, I'm in a relationship with someone who's super strong, loving and incredibly supportive. We haven't yet reached 1 year, but already I deeply trust him and feel the most secure I ever have in a relationship. Both me & my partner have experienced long-term trauma while young, yet I'm the one who's more likely to be - and more often - disregulated. Possibly as currently I'm seeking appropriate trauma-specialist therapy/treatment and many of the wounds/memories still feel fresh as I experience triggers often. I haven't yet lashed out at my partner as I often internalise my negative feelings/thoughts until I feel able to talk about them without upsetting my partner (a coping mechanism learned through dealing with a narc/anxious/depressed parent. However, I do have occasional breakdowns and in the future I fear this may become a worse problem as I'd hate to someday draw disconnected from my partner out of what's really just fear - not of him, but of my own actions/behaviours during periods of stronger disregulation than the usual. This video helps me see things from the other side, how to be better aware of myself and also how I can be there for my partner in the most beneficial way(s) if/when he experiences disregulation/depression. Again, Thank you (:
Wonderful that you two are aware of your challenges and working on healing! So glad you're here.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’ve recently lost a friendship with a dear friend who I suspect has undiagnosed CPTSD that she’s unaware of. I was in a codependent relationship with her, thinking I could help her get better or give her unconditional love so that she could truly understand what it was. Alas I was only trying to fix her problems without looking at my own issues of codependency and Low self worth. It was a painful friendship having to constantly walk on eggshells, not knowing what would trigger her dysregulation/bad moods/cold texts etc. Im watching this for the closure that I need, that ultimately it was not my responsibility to keep her happy all the time and she needs to own up to her share of the responsibility of how things turned out this way. Thank you
This video is Really challenging on so many levels but so so helpful. Can you talk more about the dynamic between those with CPTSD who have partners with addiction?
Hoo boy, this may not be the answer you want. It's so common for people with CPTSD to become attached to people with addictions or are otherwise not truly stable or available. In theory there are addictions so inconsequential that what I'm going to tell you will not apply. But to someone with CPTSD who is thinking of committing to someone with an addiction -- and their behavior around the addiction bothers you (are you lying to people to cover up their behavior? Do you fight about their behavior? Is it causing you financial problems or isolating you from friends and family?) my advice is to a) go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor (the best one who will take you); b) go to 2-4 meetings a week, and c) work ALL the steps with that sponsor and only THEN consider if committing makes sense.
Spoiler alert: It is impossible to make another person change. Some addicts do recover, but precious few, and if they are not actively, hungrily, consistently throwing themselves in recovery, change is very unlikely. Dramatic relationships are very harmful for addicts, so I emphasize that, if they're behavior bothers you, it is critical for you AND them, that you get real about that and accept that it's not a situation you can accept. If you're already married, and especially if you have children, there may be reason to stick around to see if they can demonstrate a commitment to recovery. But even the Catholic Church (which otherwise is all about lifelong commitment) recognizes alcoholism (along with physical abuse) as grounds to leave.
CCFairy
thankyou for ths video, i feel my husband will understand me a bit better once he sees this one. god bless you.
How do you all deal with the shame that comes from healing? I have been working towards healing over the last two years. My dad has borderline, I do identify with some symptoms as well but now also see similarities with severe cptsd. I am married now to an awesome man (and has been SO healing) but I cannot help but feel debilitating shame for my past. It’s so heavy on my heart and still just feel like whether I faced consequences or not, I did make so many poor decisions that hurt others while living in an unhealthy mental space. I know I was acting in a completely dysregulated state when acting out/surviving the best I knew how at the time. But I cannot get it out of my head and am trying to move on. I feel like because I, myself, chose those things, I should have known better. But I also know there’s never enough “knowing better” with my cptsd overshadowing everything. I am finding it is even making it challenging for me mentally in showing up in my relationship now. I refuse to allow mistakes of the past to get so in my head that I do not nurture or support the wonderful relationship I want forever with my husband. Any recommendations would be fantastic.
Healing shame is absolutely what I teach in my courses. In my experience, some shame is "free-floating" (not necessary) and time is "earned." Cleaning up my messes reduced earned shame and that, in turn, reduces free-floating shame. It's wonderful to walk around with my head held high!
Crappy Childhood Fairy that’s exactly what’s happening. I still feel I am “earning” a place that is mine and I know it. Bouncing from flashbacks and causing overwhelming shame cycles. Yet still reminding myself it’s okay to “be human” but knowing my head and emotions don’t agree 😂. My subconscious just assumes no matter what, there will always be the same outcome (cause before this healthy marriage and a lot of work before it, that was the case). What course would you recommend? I have been waiting only for financial reasons on our end :)
Great content, Anna :) I'm really curios about this. Does releasing traumas in our body and brain make us look younger? I've herd about this and I've experienced some by myself. I've done a lot of grivework and have notice that many people have treated me like a normal guy in my age. e.g. They make anotice that I look younger, etc. (I'm now 24 living in Thailand and I have Cptsd as long as I remembered. Back in the old days when I did not even know I had it, I looked much older than my actual age. I know I shouldn't wrap my own self-worth around other people's validation but I aslo have hard time believing it since I think my own inner critics are working against me :()
yes, I think stress in general gives us a more aged appearance, and relief from stress brightens our faces and lightens our hearts!
I’ve experienced this too. The healing works on mind/body as one; it’s interchangeable. Improving mental health improves physical health and vice versa.
Found this today after a 16 day stretch of being angry with no real direct reason to be towards my wife. Lots of baggage in my story. This helps me a little to sort of understand myself and gives me a direction to turn in towards. Thank you.
In one vid you referenced a book. Was it called "The Body Bears the Burden"?
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolt (or a similar name. May have misspelled his name).
Didn't have time to watch the entire video. I think your videos are very helpful but I have to think that another thing a partner of someone with CPTSD should know is to not assume every problem in the relationship is a result of that. Or more importantly that not every problem belongs to their CPTSD partner. It is possible for them to have "issues" too. In ANY relationship you have to look at yourself and your role in things. Occasionally, the person with the most obvious issue, the one who is aware of their problem is the healthiest. (maybe not the norm, but also not rare)
Amazing stuff. Wished I heard this before. It summarises a lot of info that I feel like others gloss over or over describe but not really get to the point.
Is there a reason you say "she" every time you mention the partner with ptsd?
Well statistically it is more common in women so....
Nevertheless, why not say “ she or he”? It’s more respectful!
I was thinking the exact same thing. I agree with Linda Below, say "she or he".
@@kathywilliams1544 or even they.
Primarily it’s women. There’s a good chance 90% have BPD.
Wow. What an awesome way to help someone like me. Explain to my family how it feels to be me. Good job 👍. I am watching you now for help. My therapist kept hurting me with decisions her company would make. Like stop seeing me after one year going two times a week. Just put my bags out the door 🚪. I'm ok very strong. You help. I will never speak to anyone again. You are helping a lot of people. Thank you ❤️
WoW... I just hope my woman Will listen, she can get abusive, past relationships with guys who didn't know these symptoms in himself or someone else..
Kristen here from your weekly calls!
Thank you for making this video ❤
HI!
You truly are a magnificent woman. Thank you for being you and sharing your experience! xoxox
We appreciate your kindness :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this video. I have been trying to read books that have all gone nearly completely over my head while trying to understand what is going on with my wife. This time has helped me get counseling for myself as I had some unhealthy ways of communicating frustration in our marriage. I hope our marriage survives through this life-changing time.
Thank you this is such a eye opener for me for my partner who suffers with PTSD I diagnosed it as narrisisis which I believe he has some of... but at the same time I see a lot of him acting needy and me being who I iam wanting to fix things and when I try he steps back and then when my feelings are hurt and I step back then here we go again the neediness from him, but I will share this with him hopefully he will appreciate it and it will help him and me.
Good luck! And if it doesn't resonate with him, don't worry about it. You can still benefit. Check out the website crappychildhoodfairy.com/ for some resources, I suggest starting with the free 'Daily Practice' course :)
Also, a quick recommendation, if it suits y’all. Don’t try to fix others. Ask him what he needs/wants instead of assuming or trying to fix things for him. He may not even know what he wants/needs because maybe no one’s really asked him much before. Get him curious about his own inner workings, his own wants, needs, desires, likes, dislikes.
Engage the curious inner child part of him, you all may start connecting better, speaking from experience. I’m the one with CPTSD, so it has been hard to connect well, and anytime someone would draw close, I’d feel scared and vulnerable because of past sexual abuses, so it was extremely difficult for me to allow anyone into my inner world, despite wanting to connect with others.
Thank you so much for your helpful response! The work you do is very beneficial, my wife and I are extremely grateful for your expertise! You are courageous, kind and most generous. X
Thank you, what a kind compliment. It means a lot to know it has helped you as a couple.
So accurate description of the process from both sides perspectives💪🏼😇. Practical and hopeful advices offered 🏆✨. Many thanks ❤️❤️
Appreciate you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
When both people in a marriage are coming from childhood trauma which continued in early adulthood while trying to pick up all of the pieces alone then later being successful as a couple is going to require counselling from time to time. Since none of us come from a perfect childhood believe it or not sometimes it becomes unfortunate when men have a problem with believing that they need the counselling too instead of only ever being the head of their family or else they are not according to others too a grown man.
:)
I have both cptsd and bpd, so had to go to 2 types of therapy. It took me a long time and a fight to get the right help and support I needed but it CAN be done. Thank you for these amazing videos x
Thanks fr watching. Glad you're here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you for the video, as usual it is very helpful! When both partners get disregulated and one's dis regulation triggers that of the other's, things can get tricky. I seem to always having to be the one to fix things as my condition is known while his isn't (he believes it's all me).
Hi @Amelia! I sure know what you mean. My husband and I saw a video once, and the question arose, when both partners are acting up, who should take responsibility to turn it around, and the instructor said "Whoever is most mature." We laughed so hard. We turned it into a competition to see who can extend an olive branch first, keeping in mind this is the highest thing a person can do.
My partner has been in and out of psychiatric wards all year. He never seems to regulate. He attempted suicide twice in December.It’s been so hard. Thanks for another great video.
Very sorry. Hope you can stay strong while all this happens around you.
Thank you for putting out this content. What if both partners have CPTSD? We do great mostly but when we are apart we are so triggered that we end things for months.
Had a friend "create a boundary" by telling me that if my behavior didn't change, she wouldn't be my friend any more. Literally the worst response possible, for someone with abandonment issues.
People don't know how to not trigger us, this practice helps us get free on our own bit.ly/3608opl
Give it a try and get in touch if you have questions. Thanks so much for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm very grateful for your generosity of spirit and knowledge Miss Fairy...
So nice of you. Thanks!
Definately
two relationship
with
both
having severe
head trauma
as I did.
So conplicated!
but the love shined through!
still
So accurate description of the process from both sides perspectives💪🏼😇. Practical and hopeful advices offered 🏆✨. Many thanks ❤️❤️
Thanks for watching 💜💪
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you, this is real, and i like to hear your suggestions, way harder then you make it sound, but it is do-able
You can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy