Narcissists are easy to understand. All they need is everything. And some more. Also, when talking to them, remember your Miranda rights. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.
No it's not like being a narcissist. You have to be firm with your boundaries, use the grey rock method & remain indiffrernt with them. Say NO to them & use their name. They really don't like that at all. !!!
Lol. How? I know I'm not a narcissist. I have empathy and can self reflect and change if I did something wrong. I can apologize and mean it. If you can do those things your not a narcissist
@@SurvivingNarcissism This right here! So validating, because it’s exactly what I’m going through in standing up for myself after someone in a “friend” tried to gaslight me. She triangulated another person into talking to me, which I avoided - but now I’ve had to put up boundaries with that person and the others too. Of course now I’m the “bad guy” for seeing any issue at all. Obviously these were superficial “friendships”
My covert Narc husband is so competitive that I can’t even remark on pretty flowers when we are on a bike ride without him telling me the ones he saw on his OWN bike ride yesterday were waaaaay prettier. We don’t enjoy anything together because it’s all about one upmanship
@@sthomas4634 , mine has his mind set on being the best housekeeper ever. This pettiness is nerving, because you always have to watch your back as the narcissist tries to make you look bad.
@@mariaawake4502 I feel your pain. The petty stuff is constant and even though it’s stupid, over time it has a way of wearing us down. This weekend I begin setting a limit on how many minutes I spend with him in every 5 hour period - so maybe that will help!
To the narc "letting it go" means relinquishing control, they can't do this because from their perspective, not controlling/dominating the situation, makes them a 'nobody'
Love these! thank you. Few more: You do you! I hear you! That's your opinion! You do you! I'll do me! That's your perspective! I do not agree! Not for me! I will not! That's a negative! That's a No!
Narcissists are famous for crossing the line and then acting all indignant when you push back. I've found that even when you're experiencing what on the surface appears to be "compromise" from a narcissist, what you're getting is a momentary semblance of a reasonable person. They will be looking for the credit and honestly feel that they've gone, above and beyond, just for being /achieving the state of compromise. This is the kind of thing that illustrates their disdain for other people's differences, loud and clear to me.
And they will often try to insist on absurd conditions before coming to an agreement. They are masters at shifting the goalposts and irrelevant excuses when they can't have something 100% their way.
@@Grace-ft9ep I absolutely agree. All you have to do is suggest the smallest thing that doesn't fall under their mandatory guidelines and watch them erupt; usually because you've made their attempt at control or deception, largely ineffective. I've caught more than one narcissist trying to "back door me" with conditions before. The shifting goalposts and irrelevant excuses, oh my...maddening individuals aren't they? It's all by design though. They make sure you can never hold them to account by NEVER sticking the argument.
Our son recently married a narcissist, and family tried to discourage him with this woman. They have to do everything together (even text messages). He has disconnected cell, so no one can reach him. He lives 13 minutes from his parents and will not visit by himself. Prayers everyday for this relationship to end. He will not meet with his children without her... 🙏🙏
Yeah but you know some thought Marshall Applewhite was wise and see what happened to them. Incidentally Dr C does look more than a little similar to Applewhite.
@@heathermixson1265 narcissists aren't fools. They're actually quite intelligent.. they just happen to be emotionally stunted. That's not foolish though. Find a different word.
“I know better.” You can’t convince them of anything, but realizing they can’t convince you (even with gaslight) cuts them deeply. For me it worked best when repeated after every gaslight attempt.
@@SurvivingNarcissism the narcissist i dealt with always told me to “let it go.” It was his way of not having to address certain patterns of behaviors he exhibited which had become detrimental to our relationship. No apology. No discussion. Just chaotic arguing until he pushed me to the brink of exasperation and he finally got to the point of exhaustion OR until he realized he had spent enough of his time pan handling for my anger and realized he had some better hobby to do- then he’d end the argument with “let it go!” and he’d walk away. “Let it go” was also his way of not having to empathize with me so that we might have a real heart to heart discussion (pfft better yet- a h to h connection) when discussing how my mother would treat me every single time we visited her. She was good at whispering things to me or saying things to me so that no one but me would know. When we would leave the visit to return home, I would be a basket case. I would try to share with him what happen between her and me on the ride home and most of the time I could tell he wasn’t listening… the “checked out” blank stare to which he could use the excuse “I’m driving so I have to pay attention to the road” or how there was never the little indications a person with empathy uses to let you know they are listening… “mm hmm” and “yeah” and “oh.” With him there was nothing. I might as well have been literally alone and just talking to myself. Before I would get too far into explaining what she had said to me, he would shut me down with, “Well I would just let it go.” I would be sitting there in the car next to him crying because my mum knew all the right buttons of mine to push and he would with a shrug of the shoulder say let it go or his other favorite… “I wouldn’t let that bother me.” After dealing with those kinds of experiences on a weekly basis year after year after year… I was a mental case wondering why the freak I couldn’t be as great as he was at “just letting things go.” NOTHING GETS RESOLVED IF WE GET INTO A DISMISSIVE HABIT OF SHRUGGING SHITE OFF WITH A “JUST LET IT GO” MINDSET(not yelling… using caps to stress importance.) Now when I hear “let it go” whether someone says it to me or I hear someone else say it to another person, it is both a trigger for me as well as a red flag. Not that I judge everyone who says it to be a narcissist… but it has definitely indicated that that person is not empathetic and tends to expose their narcissism. A narcissist doesn’t want to feel what they should feel if it’s going to lead them to have to make any kind of effort into what it takes to make a relationship with someone equal and fulfilling for BOTH parties. They would rather “just let it go” so that they remain the dominant person who got the last words “let it go.”
I definitely agree with the strategic “I know better,” Aaron. “Ok” with a more “riiiiiight” kind of mindset (not the same kind of tone but the mindset and tone of “I know better”) was also perceived as threatening by the narcissist i dealt with. “You’ve made yourself perfectly clear” while not being baited into his arguments is another statement which usually caused him to react as though he had just been threatened. He would come back with “So… what are you saying?! That it’s over?!” How he got to that conclusion from me basically finally getting to the point of letting him have his way because he had indeed “made himself perfectly clear” he didn’t give a rat’s ascot- nothing satisfied him. If it was on his agenda, my “letting it go” would have brought on his silent treatment for a couple days. And if I didn’t accept him telling me to “let it go” when we needed to discuss the onset of the fallout of our marriage, he was never happy (even tho he consistently claim he was happy.) Chaos. Total chaos. Until I finally “knew better.”
Catching this later, as a friend is taking me sofa shopping this morning. I need one. A good one. Anyway, hearing @Stampin’s perspective of hearing “Let it go” from a narcissist and saying it to a narcissist has me indeed conflicted. I was thinking saying it to them tells them you’ve already dismissed their rant, and they can no longer effectively use it for power or control. It hobbles their efforts to gain supply if we’ve already left the topic and advise them to do likewise. I remember my (estranged, narcissistic) wife begged me to not leave her alone in a room or vehicle with her father, for he used those times to say horrible things to her. I overheard one instance that still has me reeling over what her upbringing might have been like. But me advising her to “Let it go” would have been unthinkable to me, at the time. But later, when she moved me to the dismissive stage, I was not in a position to stand between her and her father. I’m sure telling her “Let it go” at that point would have been considered more threatening than even her father had ever been.
I remember saying on the comments recently Let it go with a 🎶 attached as a sort of jokey comment and that was so wrong of me. I am so sorry and will endeavour to be so much more careful with ant comment I make. Still learning and am very sorry 😞
Great advice. I know from personal experience that a narcissist can make you feel like "you" are the narcissist. The relationship has so many psychological layers that it creates a very slippery road to the person on the receiving end of a narcissist.
My narc mother would start arguments over any & every little thing. She'd name call & tell me I'm a trouble maker, nobody likes me, & say I was miserable. I later learned it was projection.
Great video👍🏻. Here's my 3 words to describe a narcissist..."Social Con Artist".They do everything to try to con others into believing they're a decent person but you always end up learning otherwise😬.The more you learn,the faster you can pickup on their fraudulent behavior to avoid falling victim to their schemes🙂👍🏻.Knowledge is power...But it's also safety😌.
I remember telling my mother, "I'm not your enemy." I just want peace and quiet. I had no idea she was a narcissist or really thought of me as her enemy. I wished I had this video in 2018. Thanks Dr. C.
I literally told a narcissist the exact same thing. I am absolutely not her enemy. It doesn’t matter because they can’t understand. There is a piece missing.
Maybe it was you who wasn't able to let go. Not being right, being in the wrong, but you can't admit that so you commanded him to "let it go, it's such a small thing you're making a fuss about". Small because you belittle his needs. Women are by nature narcs.
It goes well on both sides, they first give you passive aggressive and when you start to understand what they really mean and start to ask them why they say it like that she told me let it go and let s change the subject because i also start to get paranoia. just happened today with my wife lol.
The end game of every social narc is to get your emotions heated up and twisted, it's not to "win or lose", all they want is the emotional reaction, this is their energy.
Dr. C, I am “letting go” of 2 parents and 3 siblings. It is very heartbreaking 💔 but you have opened my eyes to SO much over the last 2 years and I’m thankful for your passion to helping US 🙌🏼 hanging on to these toxic people is mental and emotional abuse. Thank you again 🙏
I let go of narcissistic family members in 2017. It is heartbreaking. Healing is an ongoing journey. I am 61 years old, and I finally feel at peace with the imperfect, but wonderful human being I was born to be. My only regret is that I wish I would have heard about NPD years sooner. Be kind to yourself. Take care.
I feel your pain, and understand that there’s a process to grieving the loss of these relationships, or what you thought was worthwhile. I’m in the same situation, and have maintained a “no contact” position, with my mom, and two older siblings, who are all lifelong enablers of the narcissist, who is also an older brother. Even though they say something about his narcissistic tendencies, he still will verbally attack me, and then they all go off, and have a swell time together. So, even though it may feel good to see them when they come to town, it’s gotten to be far too much. It’s worsened, by the fact that they all go hang out at the narcissist’s main/current enablers house, who is a close family friend. I’ve only recently realized, that a lot of things that have taken place over the past few years, were actually covert attempts, at not plainly saying, that I wasn’t welcome at this other persons house, or events with their family. I only wish they all would’ve just told me to my face! I’ve felt alone, most of my life. I’m ok with being isolated. It’s just that they all know if they would’ve told me, I would’ve just said “Goodbye!” I wish them the best, but it will be without me, and on my own terms. The best to you!
@@donnaanderson2846 thank you for sharing your story. It is such a painful situation but you are not alone ❤️ how did they react when you didn’t call on a birthday?
Recently we were snorkeling on Maui. We saw so many beautiful fish and a sea turtle! When we were talking about what we saw later that day he said, “I saw the sea turtle before you did.” I hope my blank stare said it all. It’s always a competition with these people.
I am absolutely NOT saying you are a narc, but It’s hilarious when you watch 2 narcs fight over who is right. My sister and her husband will argue the simplest of topics. Neither will back down and then they spend the rest of the day mad because the other won’t let them win. It feels like insanity when you watch it happening. LUCKILY, I have separated myself from them and no longer tolerate their abuse. They used to love gaming up on me because it was the only time they came together on something they loved to do. They nearly broke me. They had me in a deep depression for 3 years. Soooooo glad I don’t have to see them anymore. She got her last dig in Thursday by having my power turned off causing me to have to pay to have it turned back on. I move next week so they won’t be able to find me, hopefully 🙏
The competitiveness, god I can't understand how they have the energy to make absolutely EVERYTHING into a competition. If I had a bad day, theirs was worse and I don't even know what real struggle means. If I achieve a goal I've been working towards, well they accomplished the same goal _years_ ago but here's a head-pat for finally catching up to them. It is really like dealing with a bratty kid.
I. Don't. Care. This drives them crazy because they use that as a weapon. Their ability to not give a *** is what's behind the abuse. If they think you also don't give a *** it threatens them to the core. I learned this here, tried it and found it's brilliantly that simple actually lol.
I learned when my Sis was Narking at me, to point up at the sky, and say "Look! It's Halley's Comet!" And then walk past her while she tried to get some wind back into her sails.
My narc dad flew into a rage when I had a disagreement with him.. he tried to tell me what a horrible person I am in so many words... I told him "I don't care what you think, it's not true anyway" he couldn't handle it and has been giving me the silent treatment for almost two weeks.
Excellent info. I have a sister who is definitely a narcissist. One time 25 years ago she was hosting a party and barking out orders that were absurd to me. It was a micromanagement of a conversation she had nothing to do with. I said to her, "you don't have to control everyone in the room". A look of bewilderment came across her face and under her breath she said to herself, out loud," but I do". My sister had been a problem within our family since her birth. It wasn't until were were in our 50's that I had figured out that narcissism is her problem. Her selfish behavior finally had an explanation that made sense. My father died 10 years ago and her behavior before and after his death was so appalling my brother and I haven't spoken to her since. I know through speaking to relatives that she has destroyed her life through her burning of bridges with everyone who was ever close to her. I believe all narcissists eventually self destruct. They're so toxic and it only seems to get worse as they age. Eventually they're estranged across the board.
Wow I have only one sibling. My sister. Because of the abuse she suffered as a child, (not realizing what I was experiencing because the abuse she was experiencing was so incredibly painful to watch, I had nightmares into my 30’s) I felt so sorry, guilty, powerless.!!! I felt she was my sanity, the one person who was there, understood me. She was mean and cruel to me yet loving and “safe” at times. She was 5 years older than me, I wanted her love and acceptance so bad, I wanted to emulate her because no one effed with her!!! She was tough and put up with nothing and no one’s BS! I tried to be hard, big mouthed, I lost myself and spent many years continuing to lose/find myself. Good God! One narcissist relationship after another trying to prove my worth, find my power… This moment, I am asking who am I? I’ve abandoned myself! I have more clarity now than I ever have, I’m still learning, growing,presently in a relationship with yet another narcissist. I see it. I’m not blaming myself, although I am taking responsibility for myself. Focusing to the best of my ability on myself, thinking about who I am. What I want, which is healing. It cannot be done from a stance of victim mentality and blame. Frustration has kept me there, people pleasing, trying to be perfect. How much suffering is enough?Personal responsibility is key! Not for them but for me ❤️
You nailed it right on the head. My narc Mother cannot let anything go... she HAS to control. When she cannot, she will resort to the gut punch..." YOU have mental health problems..." i.e. if you won't agree with me and do what I want, then it must be because you are mentally ill. Laughable. Simply no suitable parenting skills in that woman.
"Let it go!" This phrase of 3 small words threatens the Narcissist greatly. "Let go of your ego, your self-importance, your total control, your false self, your illusions, your altered reality!" Multiple Narcissistic thoughts: 1. "My needs are more important than yours." (need for control, codependent) 2. "I know more than you." (superiority) 3. "Your distinctions are a nuisance to me." (invalidation) 4. "Succes means you conforming to me." (grandiosity) 5. "Nuances are too complicated." (emotional incompetence) 6. "I am a winner, you are the designated loser." (competitive) 7. "When we differ, I need someone to blame." (need for scapegoats) 8. "Your distinctions make my life miserable." (victimhood) 9. "No one has permission to discuss my deficiences." (lack of authenticity) If you now turn the tables, your mindset can be different and much more healthy: 1. "I do not have to be a carbon copy of you." 2. "When I think differently, it is just - different." 3. "Listen and ponder, you might learn something." 4. "I am not your enemy." 5. "Remember, when I err, so do you." 6. "I am a capable person, willing to learn." 7. "Exchange rudeness for respectfulness." 8. "Seperate opinions do not equate to rejection." 9. "Your mind of defensiveness hinder us mooving forward." 10. "Being me does not block you from being you." Be aware that Narcissists are... > highly egoistical > profoundly insecure > cannot trust > do not know how to handle emotions > do not think that they have to learn > bring pathology and chaos to you > have the illusion that they are mature 》Give yourself the permission to truly be who you are!!! Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝
Oh my...as soon as he said the words are, "Let it go." I laughed and laughed, slapped the table and thought, " That's a good one Dr. C." A person on the far end of the narcissism spectrum can not let things go. To them it would be like asking them to not breathe.
With Dr. Les, I would be so filled with shame and guilt, I would become a total hermit and change my identity. As an empath, Narcissists are drawn to me like a moth to a flame and I've wasted so many years trying to soothe these crazy, evil fools!
omgoodness! you hit the nail on the head here! I literally just told my stbx to "let it go!" when he was bullying me about how to deal with MY dog when he doesn't even live here any more! It shut him down!
Feel the feels, heal the heals. And then take life by the horns and live it, narc free, on your own terms. Trust me, when you do this you will experience peace and joy.
When I was a kid my narcissistic mother would say angrily & out of the blue: “You think your sh•t don’t stink!” I said matter of factly: “No- I’m OK” Then she’d say: “See! you think your better than everyone” So, I replied calmly: “No I’m OK, I’m neither good or bad” She backed off. I felt good about how I handled it, because most important of all is that I did feel good in my own skin. I never accepted her delusion or confirmation of who I was or am. However, I had to choose my moments of relating with her with caution as she was verbally & physically abusive- but mostly to my sister.
Ezekiel 34:28 And they shall no more be a prey to the heathen, neither shall the beast of the land devour them; but they shall dwell safely, and none shall make them afraid. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
I can't wait to leave this house of narcissistic people. They'll have to turn on each other for their drama and hate... my daughter and I are like Marilyn on the Munsters in this place .and their scapegoats
That's the one I use. They think they're so slick. When the narc in my life does something horrible, I reiterate EXACTLY what went down, exactly how they purposefully were rude/controlling/manipulative/destructive/hateful ...then I say, "I see you"
Definitely the polite goodnight and going to bed! The narcissist i dealt with would get so offended if i went to bed before him and he’d get so mad if I did not go to bed at the same time he did. I was basically his little security blanket and how dare blankets have brains to make their own damned decisions about when to go to bed based on their own sense of fatigue 🙄 (edited for typos)
@@AlwaysStampinVideos Yes narcissists can vary a bit in their habits.The Jekyll and Hyde covert narc I wish I had never met would start an argument early in the night so I would retreat to my bedroom after dinner, he would sit with the tv on phone in hand playing silly games on it, he didn't want me to interrupt his entertainment. I wasn't going to give him any sort of goodnight after being cursed out. He became meaner and more cold-hearted towards me as the years rolled on. He would try and make me feel left out by fussing over and flirting with other's even strangers in front of me. Covert types are two-faced people who love playing wicked mind games on their partner, they get fun out of it.🙄
@@steadypace1262 our stories are much the same. Our kids would just stand baffled at why their dad wouldn’t speak to us all morning but then talk up a storm to the stranger in line waiting for a lunch table. Makes absolutely no sense.
oh doesn't he come and wake you up = chastise you and demand SEX??? Thats what my EX used to do....... how sexy is that??? my words were "GIT OFF ME"......
One day I said "Let it go" to myself. And I did let go of the hope that I could ever have a healthy relationship with him. It's sad, but holding onto the dream and putting in all that effort was even sadder.
I don't have the energy or desire to try. Going forward, I'm focusing on reclaiming the "me" I lost after 30+ years of marriage. Once I made that decision - only a week ago - I realized the depth of damage incurred. When he told me he was reading a book about anger management for men (for himself), it made me realize for the first time that even if he can recover, it's going to take a long, long time. Time I don't want to give him. My mantra during this time of leaving is, "What's in it for me?" That makes me feel selfish, but I figure I'll get over that feeling at some point. This has to be about me now. These videos help so much. TY
I had to let a lot of family members go because of their false accusations. My grandma, my sister, my mom, and one of my uncles. I'm just not going to put up with it anymore. I love my sisters kids, but I'm not going to kiss her feet anymore just for my love for her kids. One day, they'll grow up, and I will always be there for them.
Yes, I came to the conclusion too, that they see their spouse as an enemy. It is important to keep it in mind if you are married to a narcissist. If their narc supply is low they are more manageable because they need to modify their nasty behavior .🤔
@@csn6670 because you were: you wouldnt have been with him if he wasnt useful to you (as most women do it this way), you didn't consider his sexual needs, he had to perform and compete for you constantly and you were condescending to him.
@@Man.Well93 and how do you all this? I didn’t know you were in my marriage and my home. Go heal please and get your attention somewhere else. This is a platform for narcissistic abuse survivors, narcissists should make their own platforms, maybe you can be the leader 😂
Funnily enough it is the narcissist's total inability to admit the things they have done wrong and apologise and change that makes it almost impossible for the hurt person to " let it go"- there is such an intense need on the part of the hurt person for them to " get it". That's why we ( the hurt people) always come across as the angry crazy person.
Being angry when hanging onto to stuff like narcissists do and then project that into somebody else, is not healthy. The best thing I've learnt watching Dr C's videos, is to stay calm whilst the narcisssist is in the throes of their self-importance; take the rubbish they give you and drop it into an imaginary bin. It has no place in your mind. That is how I "let it go".
The worst thing that I said to our family narcissist was "Shame on you!" We've been separated for over 4 1/2 years and we are at peace after close to 20 some years of being used and abused. As my husband said, you don't realize how bad it was until it stops!
This video was the push I needed to walk away from these 8 years of Evil!!!! The gaslighting Cheating Manipulation, disrespect, projection!!!! As I sit here and look back it Seemed he enjoyed seeing me hurt…Smh!!! But then… it was as some inner voice in my heart said I had to heal because I can not do this anymore!! I know what and who he is and it will never will change!!!! I feel a relief in my soul!!!!! I am changing the way I see me so this will never be apart of my life ever never again!!!! Madness!!!!!
We had tried to negotiate, we had tried in every possible way to be reasonable and fair, but they would not listen, they would not cease, so I raised my weapon and Let It Go. 🙂
I have learned to just state calmly what I want to say, finishing with: it's ok that we think differently, it doesn't make either of us wrong. And then, if she tries to keep it going with her sharp voice, I ask her to speak normally to me or I will walk away. Sometimes that works and sometimes I have to walk away. I can let it go even if she can't. Usually, when I come back, she acts as if nothing happened. Even tries to 'win me back' sometimes, if it's been really bad. To which I respond with: I didn't walk away from you, just from a situation that was getting out of hand. Thanks again and again for what you are teaching us, Dr. Les, you are a star!
I’ve just started working with a therapist in the last month because my husband has been dead for two years, but I’m still mad at him. I always knew he was a demanding, difficult person, but I also blamed myself for our marriage problems. I believed that if I had loved him more/better, things would not have been so bad. After watching a few of your videos, I’m coming to the horrifying realization that he might have been a narcissist. The video on the “clueless narcissist” was spot on, and the three traits that you explain in the first five minutes of this video are exactly how things were. I spent almost 40 years trying to manage things so he was never inconvenienced or upset about anything (which A: is a fool’s mission and B: he certainly NEVER worried about inconveniencing or upsetting me!) I look back on how he nagged, bullied, and scared me into giving in to his sexual demands, and it sickens me that I was made to feel so guilty for not wanting to have sex even when I had strep throat, or had just gotten home at 4AM after a 16-hour drive straight through from Florida, or because of my chronic health/pain issues. Those issues were a nuisance to him-besides the impact on his sexual needs, he was irritated that I couldn’t go and do everything he thought I should, or that he had to answer questions about why I wasn’t at church with him. He said he was tired of trying to come up with a reason why I wasn’t there, which tells me that he had no comprehension of what I was dealing with. I remember thinking that he didn’t understand because I just wasn’t explaining it correctly, but no matter how many times or ways I tried to explain myself and my thinking, it never EVER worked. I heard a lot of, “If you would just…” Like it was a simple solution that I was too dumb to see. But then he would be nice and buy me something special or give me a large sum to spend on myself, so he really did love me, right? RIGHT??🙄 Anyway, sorry for the rant. Now you know why I’m seeing a therapist. I don’t like to use the word “gaslit” because I think it’s overused, and mostly incorrectly, but I am beginning to see that no matter what I might have done, we were doomed to an unhappy marriage because he was childish, selfish, and had almost no empathy. I’m not sure exactly why that’s so hard to process, but no doubt it’s because I’m trying to undo 40 years of believing I was a bad wife. It’s going to take a while.
What mine did not like was my saying "I will not". Then I was told I was disrespecting him, I was gonna be sorry, I'm making it hard for ALL of us... he couldn't see that it was him. I believed what the Holy Bible said about holding many councelors when making decisions, mine included. I grew tired of going along to get along and the inevitable harm I suffered for dismissing MY inner voice. I am looking forward to listening to Dr. C. Good day all.
What blew me away was that Rehoboam asked advice from those who counseled his father. His father, Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, had elders, advisors, counselors. Reboboam should have listened. His father was wise enough to have listened.
The bible teaches people to rely on others to make choices. It's great for narcissistic cult leaders who want to start a new church. It's great for those who want to rule over others to tell the congregation "you can't make your own choices, come see me and do what i say". The Bible fosters infantilism.
Thanks again Dr. Carter. After a lifetime of living with these horrid people I can tell you they will argue about arguing. I have never seen or dealt with a more difficult personality. My ex-husband lives 3000 miles away because that's how far I moved away. If I went west any further I'd have to live in the Pacific Ocean. He's lived with three women in his life time, including me. The other 2 are dead. So I realized he could stress me right into a coffin. I have little to do with him even tho I'm somewhat financially dependent on him. I realize my very life depends on keeping a super healthy distance. I no longer internalize his behavior or his cutting, hateful words. He's a very sick man. Love you Dr. Carter.
If I went "east" any further I'd had to live in the Pacific Ocean 😂 I escaped from Iran to Japan 15 years ago to live a normal life faaaaaaar from my narcissist 😊 Did the best thing to protect my sanity.
If I said that to my husband he would just triple down in vitriolic abuse - now I just welcome the peace that comes from his silent treatment / withdrawal etc. I have given up trying to make the relationship work, basically want nothing more to do with him, but for the time being I am trapped into sharing a house with him. Thank goodness now he at least has his own set of rooms, and I don’t see him for days or weeks at a time.
"trapped" i.e. living as a free loader, because you are just a poor woman in a patriarchy. "making it work" - every put on some lingerie and sucked him dry? yeah, didn't fink so, he has to put in the work first. Aaaaand this is why marriages fail: women expect the man to do everything, and everything first and only consider their needs in "making it work".
Lately I've been practicing letting it go. Their behavior hasn't changed but at least it isn't triggering me anymore. I just try to figure out what narcissistic trait is behind the behavior or the words and practice radical acceptance. The tricky part for me is discerning when I need to confront something and stand up for myself and when to shake my head and let it go. I'm learning!
Hi Dr Carter & Gus 😍 .. thank you for another great video. These toxic individuals are EXHAUSTING!! 🤦 ... I honestly never even knew the definition of egomaniac!! .. and antagonist! 🤦 holy cow can they ever push your buttons! ... they are straight up exhausting.
Yes, Dr. C, when the jig is up, so to speak, and you have figured the narcissist out, telling them those three little words with no emotion at all is not what the narcissist expects and totally flusters them to panic. Stay calm and move on because they will never get it...they will never "let it go". Thank you for another valid video, Dr. C.
I have just this week Let It Go , and I am slumped in exhaustion since accepting that I was holding on to hope that one day the Narc who is still holding onto to me from a distance might come out of his cage , I am now free from Myself as well and it took some energy to get to this stage , Thank you for the timely video.
Thank you Dr Carter. My husband and I are heartbroken as we watch and hear the sadness in our grandchildren’s voices; as they do not understand why we are not allowed to go over to their home for special occasions. Easter Sunday was the first holiday they noticed us absent…. Our response to their question, was the truth…. We are no longer welcome. We Love mommy & daddy very much and are so thankful we get to see you both every week! This 10 & 6 yr old are processing this unfortunate situation. We can only pray for reconciliation… especially for the sake of the children.
Collateral damage to the innocent is of no concern to the narc, ever. Unless it somehow makes them look bad to other people, then watch them work the next layer of their dark magic.
You gave the noble and valient response. My eldest daughter now 40, is npd. She gave birth to my first grandchild in 2021. He'll be 2 in September. However, I expected her to use him as a weapon and I was correct. The abuse towards me by both her and her-live in 'fiancee' led me to go no contact over a year ago. It's a profound tragedy for us and the children who may turn out just like them unfortunately. All 3 of my adult children are like their dad. All Cluster B Club Members...
The most frustrating thing is if you stump them or do anything that makes them frustrated or feel inadequate, they will just lie about you and the situation to others. It doesn't matter what you said or did, they will become fixated on making you pay or suffer in some way so they can feel better about the situation. Also, once others believe their lies, it helps them pretend they're telling the truth.
I used to just say "whatever, such nonsense" to myself. Later my son asked me what my husband meant by telling him to pay parking fees, etc. just because he didn't understand the technology. I told my son, it's the usual getting someone else to help him own and maintain everything for himself. My son looked surprised. I told him to be very careful with helping him because he'd be expected to take care of that and more into eternity. My husband has the energy to never give up telling and reminding us of what we need to do for him to continue controlling us. So my son at last separated from him like I have. We can now live doing things for ourselves, not solving his unending problems whether real or not. When confronted by him, we just tell ourselves, "let it go." It works each time.
It is as though they are stuck in a phase of infancy and self-perpetuated dependency. Being dependent and appealing to maternal and other filial instincts allows them to control their sources and get what they want/need. When you break that cycle watch them crash and burn.
@@helenhighwater5313 So true. always getting into trouble and literally running away or hiding in the house for me to handle them. Yet demanding I do everything his way since he deceptively has controlled all the finances and property. When his boss was promoted, he was let go. His co-workers were stunned! It was a wonderful job that he complained about. I had just retired so it meant he would have to start paying for me for the first time in 33 years. He keeps trying to blame me, while refusing to tell what happened. He tries to get me back into his problems with the finances and property but I do the `change the topic routine' he used with me for many years. It works, too. Thanks for replying to my comment Helen. 🙂Have a great 👍day.
This is a familiar one! My narc spouse recently asked me to hang up his slacks because he didn't know how to do it "right". Needless to say the slacks stayed laying over the chair in our bedroom until he wore them again. This type of thing has happened so many times. The pretend incompetence is ridiculous and shows their entitlement and lack of self-awareness.
@@Ma-Says Yes, the narc has the intelligence to gaslight, rock etc.(I'm just recently learning about these unique techniques ) along with lying, having affairs, smearing, betraying, belittling, etc. Once a family member told him he has to work hard. As he told me(I wasn't there) I thought about how no one knows just how hard he works constantly to control me and our son. That's why he has to sleep all the time. The best gift I've ever given myself( he never celebrates or has given us a 🎁💝) was to have my prayers answered to separate from him. I marvel how I survived death, surgeries, etc. living with him. And the timing was perfect, before covid. Thanks so much for replying to me Lynn ! It's really great to share with someone who not only understands but also can share experiences now that I know I was right about him having a serious mental disorder.
"Let it go" is something I'm going to be telling myself while dealing with questionable people anymore. I have three friends who don't know each other. They are all "awake", as far as world events on the internet. I think it's giving them trauma, depression and anxiety. I used to be all hummed up about all these same subjects for years and years and I recently decided that the world is a stage and it's all an act and hyped up to extract fear from us. I quit looking into such matters and I am feeling much better. The problem is, now these friends are...seeming crazy to me. I knew I looked crazy to people talking about this stuff before it became popular. Now this information is grating on my nerves and I don't have time to ponder on all that crap because I'm trying to survive, be healthy, spend time with my family and dog and enjoy whatever time I have left in my life. If I say "let it go" to one of these people, I would be better of saying it to myself.
I am 41 years old and I just confronted my father today for the first time as a self-possessed adult, Dr Carter, your video advice, along with the therapy and counseling I have continued over the years, have been invaluable. Thank you.
Even when you know what youre dealing with, have strong boundaries, and an agreement with yourself. If im not "in the moment and mindful, 💥 BAM 💥. he says anything in that supior tone, Im off the chain, already in Brazil before i come to my senses. I get so mad at myself. Im sick of it.... it never stops, and its hideous what it can do to your mental state, even when you know..🥺 im so glad i found you.
You’re way to kind Dr C. My narc parents would never allow me to get a word about anything out if it impacted their self righteousness in any way. After being told that nothing they did was any of my damn business (and expecting me to be their poa) then telling me they just really don’t care about me just gave me the cue to exit stage left quickly. That was the 3rd or 4th time they indicated they just didn’t care. No one could ever tell my parents that others have rights to their own feelings and actions. These people had to control everything about my life including being forced to go hug my mother after she didn’t speak to me for years. That happened multiple times. Finally at about age 50 I said NO. And thus the fallout began.
My 'go to' phrase for my perpetually angry narc was "Be as mad as you need to be." and then I'd shift focus to something/someone else. When they weren't angry, content with gaslighting, I'd change it to, "Whatever." Defused/confused them every time.
I tend to use a similar phrase when I’m highly stressed by their antics and it’s: get over it. It’s harsh but I can’t help myself most of the time because I’m so sick to death of being treated so poorly.
I've used some of these phrases myself-- "Let it go." "I'm not your enemy, and you're not my enemy." I'm beginning to notice sooner when someone gets a rise out of disturbing my peace or goes into childish tantrum mode for not getting their way. I'm also recognizing that I gain the upper hand by not sacrificing my peace for their pleasure. It takes some practice, but it is well worth the effort.
Yes, I finally "get it." I've been learning a lot about the autistic brain operating system -- a recent self-discovery -- and how it can resemble narcissism at times, and what differences to look for. Learning about both types has helped me learn how to manage my own reactions and responses during conflict. Going "gray rock" and "letting go" are effective means of defusing all sorts of emotional time-bombs. 💌
I love the practical examples of the narcissists *_veneer,_* I just feel so sad that they are insecure and have to feel loved through fear based control.
I agree, mine tried every trick in the book to scare me. From killing himself, and then to divorcing me and getting full custody of the kids. That was the one that pushed all my buttons. He pushed me right into divorce ing him. He NEVER said I'm sorry. After 10 years of marriage and over 20 years divorced everything wrong in his life is still my fault. They don't grow up.
& they can't wear you out if you're not around ... Remember to walk away . There's times you must let them know that your in charge of this and that ... You can let them know that I'm letting go ,.. but you can hold on to it , but I'm moving on . & You can say you could let it go it's up to you . .... Let them know they can go be negative to someone else. ... It's not working with you . The less your around them the better. Pick your people carefully. ☕
First case yes. I'm generally warm and open. Second w narcs no. I'm getting better at leaving. The last one absolutely could not accept difference and w/o speaking made assumptions about me. Let it go. I did.
"Let it go". Sometimes you need to let yourself be wrong. "Let it go" for the greater good. Fighting to get your way or to prove you are right can end badly. No one wins. Best be safe than sorry.
"Let it go" has been said to me by so many narcissists, and especially enablers, when I've been hurt & confused by their abusive pain and chaos since I was little. I'm much wiser now, of course, but this statement still flips my switch. It's dismissive and insensitive. Now I won't, in good conscience, say that to anybody. I just quietly disengage or ask how can I help, depending on the person. I feel like this is as triggering as "relax" or "calm down" when I am clearly relaxed and/or calm and they're exuding their uncharming superiority. It only took 3 yrs. for me to disagree with you, Doc. And I'm not entirely disagreeing because that is exactly what they think. Saying that statement out loud is fighting words in most situations, imho. Love ya like ice cream! 💞
No, what they say is, “If you don’t like it, then just leave”. And when you do, drive as fast as you can, and as far as you can. I still feel that terror so many years later
Let it go, were my words to my ex-husband last week. We’ve known each other since our teens and he can’t help but bring up past conflicts from the 90’s & early 2000’s. I can’t speak to those incidents, they were so along ago but other hand he has a laundry list of recent bad choices that have led to our divorce but won’t speak to those things. I simply said let it go but he said no, he wants the truth from me. I decided not to converse with him anymore until he can at least stop talking about my past.
because you most likely cheated on him back then, but now want to distract with his supposed disrespect now, which is only a result that build up since your infractions back then. womyn logic.
I can't tell you how many narcissistic individuals I've grown up with throughout my life have blown up in my face after I either told them to "let it go" or the "I am not your enemy" line. Thank you Dr C for this video and I look forward to the next! 👍🤝😊
Talking with a narcissist is equivalent talking to a devil. ITS USELESS
I would say a Narcissist engages in self idolatry.
Narcissists are easy to understand. All they need is everything. And some more. Also, when talking to them, remember your Miranda rights. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you.
Lol
No it's not like being a narcissist.
You have to be firm with your boundaries, use the grey rock method & remain indiffrernt with them.
Say NO to them & use their name. They really don't like that at all. !!!
Spot on!!
@@mariacanavan3305 Narcs feed off the emotional reactions of their victims.
@@niklassarri108 it most definitely was. In particular, how to destroy me - what would wound me the most.
'I need someone to blame. Oh, there you are!' 🤣 Truth!!
❤ Dr C!!
They have to blame others for everything.
Omg so true
The narcissist can find another "source of supply".
My narc dad groomed me to be nice, polite and obedient. I don't do these three, to protect me!
Standing up for yourself to a Narcissist can make you feel like a Narcissist.
Lol. How? I know I'm not a narcissist. I have empathy and can self reflect and change if I did something wrong. I can apologize and mean it. If you can do those things your not a narcissist
They want you to think your common sense is selfishness. You've been gaslit a lot, I suspect.
Right??? So true.
@@SurvivingNarcissism This right here! So validating, because it’s exactly what I’m going through in standing up for myself after someone in a “friend” tried to gaslight me. She triangulated another person into talking to me, which I avoided - but now I’ve had to put up boundaries with that person and the others too. Of course now I’m the “bad guy” for seeing any issue at all. Obviously these were superficial “friendships”
@@drebugsita Beware of the Flying Monkeys!!!
They're experts at everything except their own personal lives. What a shame.
I have ignored what dad says since he is "clueless" as the saying goes. He's a bag of hot air!
My covert Narc husband is so competitive that I can’t even remark on pretty flowers when we are on a bike ride without him telling me the ones he saw on his OWN bike ride yesterday were waaaaay prettier. We don’t enjoy anything together because it’s all about one upmanship
I can relate. It’s crazy making.
@@sthomas4634 , mine has his mind set on being the best housekeeper ever. This pettiness is nerving, because you always have to watch your back as the narcissist tries to make you look bad.
@@mariaawake4502 and if he doesn't: MEN NEVER HELP AROUND THE HOUSE WAAHAAAHAAAAA
maybe you just got shit taste and poor judgement? and he hates that you dont ssatisfy him sexually by the way.
@@mariaawake4502 I feel your pain. The petty stuff is constant and even though it’s stupid, over time it has a way of wearing us down. This weekend I begin setting a limit on how many minutes I spend with him in every 5 hour period - so maybe that will help!
To the narc "letting it go" means relinquishing control, they can't do this because from their perspective, not controlling/dominating the situation, makes them a 'nobody'
My 3 words:
You be you.
Not my job.
Not my problem.
As you wish.
I don't know.
I don't care.
I choose...(this).
Not an option.
Terrific list!
Brilliant!!!
I remember Chico from Chico and the Man tv show: "It's not my job, man" How true!
I can add to this:
You're lying again.
Not this time.
Grow up toddler
Not my mess
And my personal favorite:
Kiss my ass
Love these! thank you. Few more:
You do you! I hear you! That's your opinion! You do you! I'll do me! That's your perspective! I do not agree! Not for me! I will not! That's a negative! That's a No!
Reaching out to a narcissist is like reaching out to a viper. Just. Don't. Do. It.
Yep!
Narcissists are famous for crossing the line and then acting all indignant when you push back. I've found that even when you're experiencing what on the surface appears to be "compromise" from a narcissist, what you're getting is a momentary semblance of a reasonable person.
They will be looking for the credit and honestly feel that they've gone, above and beyond, just for being /achieving the state of compromise.
This is the kind of thing that illustrates their disdain for other people's differences, loud and clear to me.
So wonderfully expressed. Thank you.
Thank you, well put 👌
And they will often try to insist on absurd conditions before coming to an agreement. They are masters at shifting the goalposts and irrelevant excuses when they can't have something 100% their way.
@@Grace-ft9ep I absolutely agree. All you have to do is suggest the smallest thing that doesn't fall under their mandatory guidelines and watch them erupt; usually because you've made their attempt at control or deception, largely ineffective. I've caught more than one narcissist trying to "back door me" with conditions before.
The shifting goalposts and irrelevant excuses, oh my...maddening individuals aren't they? It's all by design though. They make sure you can never hold them to account by NEVER sticking the argument.
Our son recently married a narcissist, and family tried to discourage him with this woman. They have to do everything together (even text messages). He has disconnected cell, so no one can reach him. He lives 13 minutes from his parents and will not visit by himself. Prayers everyday for this relationship to end. He will not meet with his children without her... 🙏🙏
Proverbs 13:20 "He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." Dr. C is a wise man!! ❤
Yeah but you know some thought Marshall Applewhite was wise and see what happened to them. Incidentally Dr C does look more than a little similar to Applewhite.
I'm starting to believe Proverbs is a book dedicated to what happens when in the company of a fool~aka "narcissist "
@@heathermixson1265 narcissists aren't fools. They're actually quite intelligent.. they just happen to be emotionally stunted. That's not foolish though. Find a different word.
@@TheLiquidCat was looking for this
Yes 💯
one expert says, survivors live in a special kind of hell with malignant narcissists -- no contact is the only way!
What's quite strange, is that this superiority is flexed on anyone they meet in real life, yet they still admire people on movies, television, etc.
This should be taught in schools!
Take a lesson from Zen. Non-attachment. Detach from a Narcissist be happy with your own life.
100%!!!
“I know better.” You can’t convince them of anything, but realizing they can’t convince you (even with gaslight) cuts them deeply. For me it worked best when repeated after every gaslight attempt.
You are so close, Aaron..how about...let it go.
@@SurvivingNarcissism the narcissist i dealt with always told me to “let it go.” It was his way of not having to address certain patterns of behaviors he exhibited which had become detrimental to our relationship. No apology. No discussion. Just chaotic arguing until he pushed me to the brink of exasperation and he finally got to the point of exhaustion OR until he realized he had spent enough of his time pan handling for my anger and realized he had some better hobby to do- then he’d end the argument with “let it go!” and he’d walk away.
“Let it go” was also his way of not having to empathize with me so that we might have a real heart to heart discussion (pfft better yet- a h to h connection) when discussing how my mother would treat me every single time we visited her. She was good at whispering things to me or saying things to me so that no one but me would know. When we would leave the visit to return home, I would be a basket case. I would try to share with him what happen between her and me on the ride home and most of the time I could tell he wasn’t listening… the “checked out” blank stare to which he could use the excuse “I’m driving so I have to pay attention to the road” or how there was never the little indications a person with empathy uses to let you know they are listening… “mm hmm” and “yeah” and “oh.” With him there was nothing. I might as well have been literally alone and just talking to myself. Before I would get too far into explaining what she had said to me, he would shut me down with, “Well I would just let it go.” I would be sitting there in the car next to him crying because my mum knew all the right buttons of mine to push and he would with a shrug of the shoulder say let it go or his other favorite… “I wouldn’t let that bother me.” After dealing with those kinds of experiences on a weekly basis year after year after year… I was a mental case wondering why the freak I couldn’t be as great as he was at “just letting things go.”
NOTHING GETS RESOLVED IF WE GET INTO A DISMISSIVE HABIT OF SHRUGGING SHITE OFF WITH A “JUST LET IT GO” MINDSET(not yelling… using caps to stress importance.)
Now when I hear “let it go” whether someone says it to me or I hear someone else say it to another person, it is both a trigger for me as well as a red flag. Not that I judge everyone who says it to be a narcissist… but it has definitely indicated that that person is not empathetic and tends to expose their narcissism.
A narcissist doesn’t want to feel what they should feel if it’s going to lead them to have to make any kind of effort into what it takes to make a relationship with someone equal and fulfilling for BOTH parties. They would rather “just let it go” so that they remain the dominant person who got the last words “let it go.”
I definitely agree with the strategic “I know better,” Aaron. “Ok” with a more “riiiiiight” kind of mindset (not the same kind of tone but the mindset and tone of “I know better”) was also perceived as threatening by the narcissist i dealt with. “You’ve made yourself perfectly clear” while not being baited into his arguments is another statement which usually caused him to react as though he had just been threatened. He would come back with “So… what are you saying?! That it’s over?!” How he got to that conclusion from me basically finally getting to the point of letting him have his way because he had indeed “made himself perfectly clear” he didn’t give a rat’s ascot- nothing satisfied him. If it was on his agenda, my “letting it go” would have brought on his silent treatment for a couple days. And if I didn’t accept him telling me to “let it go” when we needed to discuss the onset of the fallout of our marriage, he was never happy (even tho he consistently claim he was happy.)
Chaos. Total chaos. Until I finally “knew better.”
Catching this later, as a friend is taking me sofa shopping this morning. I need one. A good one.
Anyway, hearing @Stampin’s perspective of hearing “Let it go” from a narcissist and saying it to a narcissist has me indeed conflicted. I was thinking saying it to them tells them you’ve already dismissed their rant, and they can no longer effectively use it for power or control. It hobbles their efforts to gain supply if we’ve already left the topic and advise them to do likewise.
I remember my (estranged, narcissistic) wife begged me to not leave her alone in a room or vehicle with her father, for he used those times to say horrible things to her. I overheard one instance that still has me reeling over what her upbringing might have been like. But me advising her to “Let it go” would have been unthinkable to me, at the time.
But later, when she moved me to the dismissive stage, I was not in a position to stand between her and her father. I’m sure telling her “Let it go” at that point would have been considered more threatening than even her father had ever been.
I remember saying on the comments recently Let it go with a 🎶 attached as a sort of jokey comment and that was so wrong of me. I am so sorry and will endeavour to be so much more careful with ant comment I make. Still learning and am very sorry 😞
Great advice. I know from personal experience that a narcissist can make you feel like "you" are the narcissist. The relationship has so many psychological layers that it creates a very slippery road to the person on the receiving end of a narcissist.
My narc mother would start arguments over any & every little thing. She'd name call & tell me I'm a trouble maker, nobody likes me, & say I was miserable. I later learned it was projection.
Don't you love it when they say "It sounds like YOU'RE a narcissist!?!?!"
It feels very gross and unhealthy.
Great video👍🏻. Here's my 3 words to describe a narcissist..."Social Con Artist".They do everything to try to con others into believing they're a decent person but you always end up learning otherwise😬.The more you learn,the faster you can pickup on their fraudulent behavior to avoid falling victim to their schemes🙂👍🏻.Knowledge is power...But it's also safety😌.
I remember telling my mother, "I'm not your enemy." I just want peace and quiet. I had no idea she was a narcissist or really thought of me as her enemy. I wished I had this video in 2018. Thanks Dr. C.
I can relate.
I wish I had this video in 1985
@Cairo Silver Me too:( I would have made very different decisions.
I literally told a narcissist the exact same thing. I am absolutely not her enemy. It doesn’t matter because they can’t understand. There is a piece missing.
@@chrishere4272 It must be some kind of survival mechanism within a narcissistic brain that they can’t turn off
When he repeatedly showed me he couldn't let anything go, I let go & released him to be himself so I could be myself.
Fantastic! Yup, we also need to let go.
Maybe it was you who wasn't able to let go. Not being right, being in the wrong, but you can't admit that so you commanded him to "let it go, it's such a small thing you're making a fuss about". Small because you belittle his needs. Women are by nature narcs.
@@sthomas4634 Thank you for your sweet reply!
@Deborah Chickadel We stand strong together & your reply is proof we still have love to give... to each other! Thank you, luv!
“It’s not worth it, let it go.” To myself has helped me find my peace. ABSOLUTELY⭐️
The motionless, peaceful dog on the chesterfield has definitely "let it go"! LOL
Narcissists sometimes say "Let it go" after they abuse you. 🤔
Yes
It goes well on both sides, they first give you passive aggressive and when you start to understand what they really mean and start to ask them why they say it like that she told me let it go and let s change the subject because i also start to get paranoia. just happened today with my wife lol.
The end game of every social narc is to get your emotions heated up and twisted, it's not to "win or lose", all they want is the emotional reaction, this is their energy.
Dr. C,
I am “letting go” of 2 parents and 3 siblings. It is very heartbreaking 💔 but you have opened my eyes to SO much over the last 2 years and I’m thankful for your passion to helping US 🙌🏼 hanging on to these toxic people is mental and emotional abuse. Thank you again 🙏
@Hollee W…..That’s what I had/have…..both parents were narcissists, (now deceased), and my three siblings are narcissistic psychopaths.
I let go of narcissistic family members in 2017. It is heartbreaking. Healing is an ongoing journey. I am 61 years old, and I finally feel at peace with the imperfect, but wonderful human being I was born to be. My only regret is that I wish I would have heard about NPD years sooner. Be kind to yourself. Take care.
🙏🏽
I feel your pain, and understand that there’s a process to grieving the loss of these relationships, or what you thought was worthwhile. I’m in the same situation, and have maintained a “no contact” position, with my mom, and two older siblings, who are all lifelong enablers of the narcissist, who is also an older brother. Even though they say something about his narcissistic tendencies, he still will verbally attack me, and then they all go off, and have a swell time together. So, even though it may feel good to see them when they come to town, it’s gotten to be far too much. It’s worsened, by the fact that they all go hang out at the narcissist’s main/current enablers house, who is a close family friend. I’ve only recently realized, that a lot of things that have taken place over the past few years, were actually covert attempts, at not plainly saying, that I wasn’t welcome at this other persons house, or events with their family. I only wish they all would’ve just told me to my face! I’ve felt alone, most of my life. I’m ok with being isolated. It’s just that they all know if they would’ve told me, I would’ve just said “Goodbye!” I wish them the best, but it will be without me, and on my own terms. The best to you!
@@donnaanderson2846 thank you for sharing your story. It is such a painful situation but you are not alone ❤️ how did they react when you didn’t call on a birthday?
This is what i always said to my husband - im not your enemy. You don't have to be like that to me. It worked most of the time.
At least you worked with him, I applaude that and wish my ex wife would've done the same.
Recently we were snorkeling on Maui. We saw so many beautiful fish and a sea turtle! When we were talking about what we saw later that day he said, “I saw the sea turtle before you did.” I hope my blank stare said it all. It’s always a competition with these people.
I am absolutely NOT saying you are a narc, but It’s hilarious when you watch 2 narcs fight over who is right. My sister and her husband will argue the simplest of topics. Neither will back down and then they spend the rest of the day mad because the other won’t let them win. It feels like insanity when you watch it happening. LUCKILY, I have separated myself from them and no longer tolerate their abuse. They used to love gaming up on me because it was the only time they came together on something they loved to do. They nearly broke me. They had me in a deep depression for 3 years. Soooooo glad I don’t have to see them anymore. She got her last dig in Thursday by having my power turned off causing me to have to pay to have it turned back on. I move next week so they won’t be able to find me, hopefully 🙏
Wow. I glad your breaking free wish you the the best.
They will argue with a tree stump- per Dr C.
The competitiveness, god I can't understand how they have the energy to make absolutely EVERYTHING into a competition. If I had a bad day, theirs was worse and I don't even know what real struggle means. If I achieve a goal I've been working towards, well they accomplished the same goal _years_ ago but here's a head-pat for finally catching up to them. It is really like dealing with a bratty kid.
Toddler!
I. Don't. Care. This drives them crazy because they use that as a weapon. Their ability to not give a *** is what's behind the abuse. If they think you also don't give a *** it threatens them to the core. I learned this here, tried it and found it's brilliantly that simple actually lol.
🎯🎯🎯
Better yet - it really burns when you “show them “ you don’t care - very effective
amen sister! look at him and say "so? i dont care!"
I learned when my Sis was Narking at me, to point up at the sky, and say "Look! It's Halley's Comet!" And then walk past her while she tried to get some wind back into her sails.
My narc dad flew into a rage when I had a disagreement with him.. he tried to tell me what a horrible person I am in so many words... I told him "I don't care what you think, it's not true anyway" he couldn't handle it and has been giving me the silent treatment for almost two weeks.
"I'm onto you". To the narcissist. He can't get away with his manure any more.
Excellent info. I have a sister who is definitely a narcissist. One time 25 years ago she was hosting a party and barking out orders that were absurd to me. It was a micromanagement of a conversation she had nothing to do with. I said to her, "you don't have to control everyone in the room". A look of bewilderment came across her face and under her breath she said to herself, out loud," but I do".
My sister had been a problem within our family since her birth. It wasn't until were were in our 50's that I had figured out that narcissism is her problem. Her selfish behavior finally had an explanation that made sense. My father died 10 years ago and her behavior before and after his death was so appalling my brother and I haven't spoken to her since. I know through speaking to relatives that she has destroyed her life through her burning of bridges with everyone who was ever close to her. I believe all narcissists eventually self destruct. They're so toxic and it only seems to get worse as they age. Eventually they're estranged across the board.
Wow, sounds so much like my narc sister, haven't spoken since 2005. It was SO freeing to be rid of her ..but of course, I'm the "bad" one.
My wife’s sister to a T.....we are no contact for the second and final time! Missed a funeral to avoid the grandiose lunatic!
Wow
I have only one sibling. My sister. Because of the abuse she suffered as a child, (not realizing what I was experiencing because the abuse she was experiencing was so incredibly painful to watch, I had nightmares into my 30’s) I felt so sorry, guilty, powerless.!!! I felt she was my sanity, the one person who was there, understood me. She was mean and cruel to me yet loving and “safe” at times. She was 5 years older than me, I wanted her love and acceptance so bad, I wanted to emulate her because no one effed with her!!! She was tough and put up with nothing and no one’s BS! I tried to be hard, big mouthed, I lost myself and spent many years continuing to lose/find myself.
Good God! One narcissist relationship after another trying to prove my worth, find my power…
This moment, I am asking who am I? I’ve abandoned myself!
I have more clarity now than I ever have, I’m still learning, growing,presently in a relationship with yet another narcissist. I see it. I’m not blaming myself, although I am taking responsibility for myself. Focusing to the best of my ability on myself, thinking about who I am. What I want, which is healing. It cannot be done from a stance of victim mentality and blame. Frustration has kept me there, people pleasing, trying to be perfect.
How much suffering is enough?Personal responsibility is key! Not for them but for me ❤️
“I’m onto you.”
Edit: Add “You’re not special!”
This can be really dangerous!
@@Lemana28021989 it IS dangerous
I told my narc “you’re not perfect” and he was sooooooo offended
@@chayo4537 One definitely should make sure, not to be alone with them then and never be afterwards
@@Lemana28021989 I’m just seeing your last comment now. It gets scary fast and luckily its not dangerous often. All it takes is one time though 😳
You nailed it right on the head. My narc Mother cannot let anything go... she HAS to control. When she cannot, she will resort to the gut punch..." YOU have mental health problems..." i.e. if you won't agree with me and do what I want, then it must be because you are mentally ill. Laughable. Simply no suitable parenting skills in that woman.
It's always just a game of avoiding accountability with the narcissist.
When you say "Let it Go" they are FROZEN with anger (fear). Tell them to build a snowman or something and chill.
"Let it go!" This phrase of 3 small words threatens the Narcissist greatly. "Let go of your ego, your self-importance, your total control, your false self, your illusions, your altered reality!"
Multiple Narcissistic thoughts:
1. "My needs are more important than yours."
(need for control, codependent)
2. "I know more than you."
(superiority)
3. "Your distinctions are a nuisance to me."
(invalidation)
4. "Succes means you conforming to me."
(grandiosity)
5. "Nuances are too complicated."
(emotional incompetence)
6. "I am a winner, you are the designated
loser."
(competitive)
7. "When we differ, I need someone to
blame."
(need for scapegoats)
8. "Your distinctions make my life miserable."
(victimhood)
9. "No one has permission to discuss
my deficiences."
(lack of authenticity)
If you now turn the tables, your mindset can be different and much more healthy:
1. "I do not have to be a carbon copy
of you."
2. "When I think differently, it is just -
different."
3. "Listen and ponder, you might learn
something."
4. "I am not your enemy."
5. "Remember, when I err, so do you."
6. "I am a capable person, willing to learn."
7. "Exchange rudeness for respectfulness."
8. "Seperate opinions do not equate to
rejection."
9. "Your mind of defensiveness hinder us
mooving forward."
10. "Being me does not block you from
being you."
Be aware that Narcissists are...
> highly egoistical
> profoundly insecure
> cannot trust
> do not know how to handle emotions
> do not think that they have to learn
> bring pathology and chaos to you
> have the illusion that they are mature
》Give yourself the permission to truly
be who you are!!!
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝
You so get it, Roxy!
I thought the 3 words were "I said NO!!" My narcissist pitches temper tantrums when I say that.
Yesss
My narc dad expects "let it go" means letting him push me around, it doesn't!
Oh my...as soon as he said the words are, "Let it go." I laughed and laughed, slapped the table and thought, " That's a good one Dr. C." A person on the far end of the narcissism spectrum can not let things go. To them it would be like asking them to not breathe.
It infuriates "us" because it is then YOU who cant let something go. It's a power move by the covert narcs like you who cloak as "codependents".
With Dr. Les, I would be so filled with shame and guilt, I would become a total hermit and change my identity. As an empath, Narcissists are drawn to me like a moth to a flame and I've wasted so many years trying to soothe these crazy, evil fools!
Sad to say our codependent patterns keeps us hooked to these ppl
omgoodness! you hit the nail on the head here! I literally just told my stbx to "let it go!" when he was bullying me about how to deal with MY dog when he doesn't even live here any more! It shut him down!
My daughter said to me, Take the high road, always easy to remember and effective
Hearing this makes me want to cry. So sad right now.
Feel the feels, heal the heals. And then take life by the horns and live it, narc free, on your own terms. Trust me, when you do this you will experience peace and joy.
When I was a kid my narcissistic mother would say angrily & out of the blue:
“You think your sh•t don’t stink!”
I said matter of factly: “No- I’m OK”
Then she’d say: “See! you think your better than everyone”
So, I replied calmly: “No I’m OK, I’m neither good or bad”
She backed off.
I felt good about how I handled it, because most important of all is that I did feel good in my own skin. I never accepted her delusion or confirmation of who I was or am.
However, I had to choose my moments of relating with her with caution as she was verbally & physically abusive- but mostly to my sister.
Ezekiel 34:28
And they shall no more be a prey to the heathen, neither shall the beast of the land devour them; but they shall dwell safely, and none shall make them afraid.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Amen 🙏🙂🕊
Let it go while we sip out coffee and watch them live in their own world of chaos. 🙌🏽 Thanks Dr C.
I can't wait to leave this house of narcissistic people. They'll have to turn on each other for their drama and hate... my daughter and I are like Marilyn on the Munsters in this place .and their scapegoats
“Let it go.”
What first occurred to me was, 'I see you.' That high powered, enlightened observation they wish to avoid @ all costs.
🎯🎯🎯
powerful words right there. I see you - in a sing song voice!
Oh, that's a good one. And I'll sit on the couch, and pat the cushion next to me.
I like that.
That's the one I use. They think they're so slick. When the narc in my life does something horrible, I reiterate EXACTLY what went down, exactly how they purposefully were rude/controlling/manipulative/destructive/hateful ...then I say, "I see you"
Saying "Good night", early in the evening and retreating.
Better still don't say anything just quietly exit the room.😉
Definitely the polite goodnight and going to bed! The narcissist i dealt with would get so offended if i went to bed before him and he’d get so mad if I did not go to bed at the same time he did. I was basically his little security blanket and how dare blankets have brains to make their own damned decisions about when to go to bed based on their own sense of fatigue 🙄
(edited for typos)
@@AlwaysStampinVideos Yes narcissists can vary a bit in their habits.The Jekyll and Hyde covert narc I wish I had never met would start an argument early in the night so I would retreat to my bedroom after dinner, he would sit with the tv on phone in hand playing silly games on it, he didn't want me to interrupt his entertainment. I wasn't going to give him any sort of goodnight after being cursed out. He became meaner and more cold-hearted towards me as the years rolled on. He would try and make me feel left out by fussing over and flirting with other's even strangers in front of me. Covert types are two-faced people who love playing wicked mind games on their partner, they get fun out of it.🙄
@@steadypace1262 our stories are much the same. Our kids would just stand baffled at why their dad wouldn’t speak to us all morning but then talk up a storm to the stranger in line waiting for a lunch table. Makes absolutely no sense.
oh doesn't he come and wake you up = chastise you and demand SEX??? Thats what my EX used to do....... how sexy is that??? my words were "GIT OFF ME"......
One day I said "Let it go" to myself. And I did let go of the hope that I could ever have a healthy relationship with him. It's sad, but holding onto the dream and putting in all that effort was even sadder.
Omg. I'm there right now. He's turned dark and silent and mean. Because he knows. I'm leaving
I don't have the energy or desire to try. Going forward, I'm focusing on reclaiming the "me" I lost after 30+ years of marriage. Once I made that decision - only a week ago - I realized the depth of damage incurred. When he told me he was reading a book about anger management for men (for himself), it made me realize for the first time that even if he can recover, it's going to take a long, long time. Time I don't want to give him. My mantra during this time of leaving is, "What's in it for me?" That makes me feel selfish, but I figure I'll get over that feeling at some point. This has to be about me now. These videos help so much. TY
I had to let a lot of family members go because of their false accusations. My grandma, my sister, my mom, and one of my uncles. I'm just not going to put up with it anymore. I love my sisters kids, but I'm not going to kiss her feet anymore just for my love for her kids. One day, they'll grow up, and I will always be there for them.
Emotional incompetence….
Never heard it stated so simply.
HOSTILITY, that’s the big word. If I disagree on anything, hostility is presumed by the other person (narcissist) always.
Ego cannot fit through the door!
not interested in you but controling you!
I am not in contact with my controlling dad, he can bother someone else for a change!
They can bring out the narcissist in you....
Its unstoppable...
I think it’s better to just let THEM go. Actions speak.
I'm not your enemy. It's stunning and terrible to find out that they actually consciously believe that you are, especially in marriage.
Yes, I came to the conclusion too, that they see their spouse as an enemy. It is important to keep it in mind if you are married to a narcissist. If their narc supply is low they are more manageable because they need to modify their nasty behavior .🤔
My ex-husband literally called me his enemy.. so true what you say
@@csn6670 because you were: you wouldnt have been with him if he wasnt useful to you (as most women do it this way), you didn't consider his sexual needs, he had to perform and compete for you constantly and you were condescending to him.
@@Man.Well93 and how do you all this? I didn’t know you were in my marriage and my home. Go heal please and get your attention somewhere else. This is a platform for narcissistic abuse survivors, narcissists should make their own platforms, maybe you can be the leader 😂
Man "Well"..? 🤔
"Unwell," much like my ex, an adrenaline and dopamine addict.
Funnily enough it is the narcissist's total inability to admit the things they have done wrong and apologise and change that makes it almost impossible for the hurt person to " let it go"- there is such an intense need on the part of the hurt person for them to " get it". That's why we ( the hurt people) always come across as the angry crazy person.
Being angry when hanging onto to stuff like narcissists do and then project that into somebody else, is not healthy. The best thing I've learnt watching Dr C's videos, is to stay calm whilst the narcisssist is in the throes of their self-importance; take the rubbish they give you and drop it into an imaginary bin. It has no place in your mind. That is how I "let it go".
When my grown daughter starts her destructive verbally abusive narc rage in my face, I say "I gotta go, MY reality is waiting."
The worst thing that I said to our family narcissist was "Shame on you!" We've been separated for over 4 1/2 years and we are at peace after close to 20 some years of being used and abused. As my husband said, you don't realize how bad it was until it stops!
"You don't know how bad it was until it stops" powerful!
I personally know people like this - I have the option to avoid them so that’s what I do
I SEE YOU (for what you really are)!
I love this one. I have learned that if the narcissist thinks they came up with the idea, things are great.
Yep
Ha ha ha... Kinda funny, because it's true, Kinda sad that's what they do! 😊
'I don't care!' Or strangely, in some cases 'I love you!' can be their nightmare...
This video was the push I needed to walk away from these 8 years of Evil!!!! The gaslighting
Cheating
Manipulation, disrespect, projection!!!! As I sit here and look back it Seemed he enjoyed seeing me hurt…Smh!!! But then… it was as some inner voice in my heart said I had to heal because I can not do this anymore!! I know what and who he is and it will never will change!!!! I feel a relief in my soul!!!!! I am changing the way I see me so this will never be apart of my life ever never again!!!! Madness!!!!!
Dr C., please go deeper about enmeshed families at some point. Very grateful for you.
We had tried to negotiate, we had tried in every possible way to be reasonable and fair, but they would not listen, they would not cease, so I raised my weapon and Let It Go. 🙂
I have learned to just state calmly what I want to say, finishing with: it's ok that we think differently, it doesn't make either of us wrong. And then, if she tries to keep it going with her sharp voice, I ask her to speak normally to me or I will walk away. Sometimes that works and sometimes I have to walk away. I can let it go even if she can't. Usually, when I come back, she acts as if nothing happened. Even tries to 'win me back' sometimes, if it's been really bad. To which I respond with: I didn't walk away from you, just from a situation that was getting out of hand.
Thanks again and again for what you are teaching us, Dr. Les, you are a star!
in every situation there is absolute right or wrong, but people hate that. did she cheat: yes or no. simple as that.
I AM FREE 🕊⛓
100% this 💜🎯
🙏🏻
I’ve just started working with a therapist in the last month because my husband has been dead for two years, but I’m still mad at him. I always knew he was a demanding, difficult person, but I also blamed myself for our marriage problems. I believed that if I had loved him more/better, things would not have been so bad. After watching a few of your videos, I’m coming to the horrifying realization that he might have been a narcissist. The video on the “clueless narcissist” was spot on, and the three traits that you explain in the first five minutes of this video are exactly how things were. I spent almost 40 years trying to manage things so he was never inconvenienced or upset about anything (which A: is a fool’s mission and B: he certainly NEVER worried about inconveniencing or upsetting me!) I look back on how he nagged, bullied, and scared me into giving in to his sexual demands, and it sickens me that I was made to feel so guilty for not wanting to have sex even when I had strep throat, or had just gotten home at 4AM after a 16-hour drive straight through from Florida, or because of my chronic health/pain issues. Those issues were a nuisance to him-besides the impact on his sexual needs, he was irritated that I couldn’t go and do everything he thought I should, or that he had to answer questions about why I wasn’t at church with him. He said he was tired of trying to come up with a reason why I wasn’t there, which tells me that he had no comprehension of what I was dealing with. I remember thinking that he didn’t understand because I just wasn’t explaining it correctly, but no matter how many times or ways I tried to explain myself and my thinking, it never EVER worked. I heard a lot of, “If you would just…” Like it was a simple solution that I was too dumb to see. But then he would be nice and buy me something special or give me a large sum to spend on myself, so he really did love me, right? RIGHT??🙄
Anyway, sorry for the rant. Now you know why I’m seeing a therapist. I don’t like to use the word “gaslit” because I think it’s overused, and mostly incorrectly, but I am beginning to see that no matter what I might have done, we were doomed to an unhappy marriage because he was childish, selfish, and had almost no empathy. I’m not sure exactly why that’s so hard to process, but no doubt it’s because I’m trying to undo 40 years of believing I was a bad wife. It’s going to take a while.
you were not “ a bad wife “ - you were in an impossible marriage with an immature, selfish narcissist !
What mine did not like was my saying "I will not". Then I was told I was disrespecting him, I was gonna be sorry, I'm making it hard for ALL of us... he couldn't see that it was him. I believed what the Holy Bible said about holding many councelors when making decisions, mine included. I grew tired of going along to get along and the inevitable harm I suffered for dismissing MY inner voice. I am looking forward to listening to Dr. C. Good day all.
What blew me away was that Rehoboam asked advice from those who counseled his father. His father, Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, had elders, advisors, counselors.
Reboboam should have listened. His father was wise enough to have listened.
Beautifully said❤🙏🏽
Well said!
The bible teaches people to rely on others to make choices. It's great for narcissistic cult leaders who want to start a new church. It's great for those who want to rule over others to tell the congregation "you can't make your own choices, come see me and do what i say". The Bible fosters infantilism.
You are exercising your free will a God given right, inherent of mankind.
Narcissist impose their will on their subjects.
Thanks again Dr. Carter. After a lifetime of living with these horrid people I can tell you they will argue about arguing. I have never seen or dealt with a more difficult personality. My ex-husband lives 3000 miles away because that's how far I moved away. If I went west any further I'd have to live in the Pacific Ocean. He's lived with three women in his life time, including me. The other 2 are dead. So I realized he could stress me right into a coffin. I have little to do with him even tho I'm somewhat financially dependent on him. I realize my very life depends on keeping a super healthy distance. I no longer internalize his behavior or his cutting, hateful words. He's a very sick man. Love you Dr. Carter.
If I went "east" any further I'd had to live in the Pacific Ocean 😂 I escaped from Iran to Japan 15 years ago to live a normal life faaaaaaar from my narcissist 😊 Did the best thing to protect my sanity.
If I said that to my husband he would just triple down in vitriolic abuse - now I just welcome the peace that comes from his silent treatment / withdrawal etc. I have given up trying to make the relationship work, basically want nothing more to do with him, but for the time being I am trapped into sharing a house with him. Thank goodness now he at least has his own set of rooms, and I don’t see him for days or weeks at a time.
"trapped" i.e. living as a free loader, because you are just a poor woman in a patriarchy. "making it work" - every put on some lingerie and sucked him dry? yeah, didn't fink so, he has to put in the work first. Aaaaand this is why marriages fail: women expect the man to do everything, and everything first and only consider their needs in "making it work".
@@Man.Well93 Ahhhh, don't up you have an education to get or a pickup truck to wash or a girl to beg sex from?
"Oh, there you are!" 😂 Ain't that the truth.
Lately I've been practicing letting it go. Their behavior hasn't changed but at least it isn't triggering me anymore. I just try to figure out what narcissistic trait is behind the behavior or the words and practice radical acceptance. The tricky part for me is discerning when I need to confront something and stand up for myself and when to shake my head and let it go. I'm learning!
Hi Dr Carter & Gus 😍 .. thank you for another great video. These toxic individuals are EXHAUSTING!! 🤦 ... I honestly never even knew the definition of egomaniac!! .. and antagonist! 🤦 holy cow can they ever push your buttons! ... they are straight up exhausting.
Yeah, I had Chronic Fatigue during and after being with one for 31 years. Prob due to the mental gymnastics they put me through.
Yes, Dr. C, when the jig is up, so to speak, and you have figured the narcissist out, telling them those three little words with no emotion at all is not what the narcissist expects and totally flusters them to panic. Stay calm and move on because they will never get it...they will never "let it go". Thank you for another valid video, Dr. C.
Especially the older one's 😅. True. Old retired mean NARKY marcs😅
I have just this week Let It Go , and I am slumped in exhaustion since accepting that I was holding on to hope that one day the Narc who is still holding onto to me from a distance might come out of his cage , I am now free from Myself as well and it took some energy to get to this stage , Thank you for the timely video.
"let it go.. you won't hold me back anymore".. thankyou Disney for making Dr C's wisdom easy to remember!
Now it's an ear worm!
Thank you Dr Carter.
My husband and I are heartbroken as we watch and hear the sadness in our grandchildren’s voices; as they do not understand why we are not allowed to go over to their home for special occasions. Easter Sunday was the first holiday they noticed us absent…. Our response to their question, was the truth…. We are no longer welcome. We Love mommy & daddy very much and are so thankful we get to see you both every week!
This 10 & 6 yr old are processing this unfortunate situation. We can only pray for reconciliation… especially for the sake of the children.
Collateral damage to the innocent is of no concern to the narc, ever. Unless it somehow makes them look bad to other people, then watch them work the next layer of their dark magic.
You gave the noble and valient response. My eldest daughter now 40, is npd. She gave birth to my first grandchild in 2021. He'll be 2 in September. However, I expected her to use him as a weapon and I was correct.
The abuse towards me by both her and her-live in 'fiancee' led me to go no contact over a year ago. It's a profound tragedy for us and the children who may turn out just like them unfortunately. All 3 of my adult children are like their dad. All Cluster B Club Members...
maybe ask yourselves what you did wrong
The most frustrating thing is if you stump them or do anything that makes them frustrated or feel inadequate, they will just lie about you and the situation to others. It doesn't matter what you said or did, they will become fixated on making you pay or suffer in some way so they can feel better about the situation. Also, once others believe their lies, it helps them pretend they're telling the truth.
I used to just say "whatever, such nonsense" to myself. Later my son asked me what my husband meant by telling him to pay parking fees, etc. just because he didn't understand the technology. I told my son, it's the usual getting someone else to help him own and maintain everything for himself. My son looked surprised. I told him to be very careful with helping him because he'd be expected to take care of that and more into eternity. My husband has the energy to never give up telling and reminding us of what we need to do for him to continue controlling us. So my son at last separated from him like I have. We can now live doing things for ourselves, not solving his unending problems whether real or not. When confronted by him, we just tell ourselves, "let it go." It works each time.
It is as though they are stuck in a phase of infancy and self-perpetuated dependency. Being dependent and appealing to maternal and other filial instincts allows them to control their sources and get what they want/need. When you break that cycle watch them crash and burn.
@@helenhighwater5313 So true. always getting into trouble and literally running away or hiding in the house for me to handle them. Yet demanding I do everything his way since he deceptively has controlled all the finances and property. When his boss was promoted, he was let go. His co-workers were stunned! It was a wonderful job that he complained about. I had just retired so it meant he would have to start paying for me for the first time in 33 years. He keeps trying to blame me, while refusing to tell what happened. He tries to get me back into his problems with the finances and property but I do the `change the topic routine' he used with me for many years. It works, too. Thanks for replying to my comment Helen. 🙂Have a great 👍day.
There most likely was a trauma in the womb or during infancy that is the root of the N. Research: The Resonant Self by Sarah Peyton. 👍
This is a familiar one! My narc spouse recently asked me to hang up his slacks because he didn't know how to do it "right". Needless to say the slacks stayed laying over the chair in our bedroom until he wore them again. This type of thing has happened so many times. The pretend incompetence is ridiculous and shows their entitlement and lack of self-awareness.
@@Ma-Says Yes, the narc has the intelligence to gaslight, rock etc.(I'm just recently learning about these unique techniques ) along with lying, having affairs, smearing, betraying, belittling, etc. Once a family member told him he has to work hard. As he told me(I wasn't there) I thought about how no one knows just how hard he works constantly to control me and our son. That's why he has to sleep all the time. The best gift I've ever given myself( he never celebrates or has given us a 🎁💝) was to have my prayers answered to separate from him. I marvel how I survived death, surgeries, etc. living with him. And the timing was perfect, before covid. Thanks so much for replying to me Lynn ! It's really great to share with someone who not only understands but also can share experiences now that I know I was right about him having a serious mental disorder.
I remember suggesting to my then-husband, "let's agree to disagree" and he said "no" - he had to be right
Dave Mason's song "We just disagree" says it all!
"Let it go" is something I'm going to be telling myself while dealing with questionable people anymore. I have three friends who don't know each other. They are all "awake", as far as world events on the internet. I think it's giving them trauma, depression and anxiety. I used to be all hummed up about all these same subjects for years and years and I recently decided that the world is a stage and it's all an act and hyped up to extract fear from us. I quit looking into such matters and I am feeling much better. The problem is, now these friends are...seeming crazy to me. I knew I looked crazy to people talking about this stuff before it became popular. Now this information is grating on my nerves and I don't have time to ponder on all that crap because I'm trying to survive, be healthy, spend time with my family and dog and enjoy whatever time I have left in my life. If I say "let it go" to one of these people, I would be better of saying it to myself.
I am 41 years old and I just confronted my father today for the first time as a self-possessed adult, Dr Carter, your video advice, along with the therapy and counseling I have continued over the years, have been invaluable. Thank you.
Dr C. Doesn't advocate confrontation.
@Joy Webster There comes a time they need telling we are NOT fooled by their silly games of control. It doesn't have to be a fight.
Dr. Carter? You must love baseball because this video is a grandslam!!!!! Thank you❤
I like baseball...thanks for the kind words.
They will never let anything go!!! Ever.
I just used the term "illusions of grandeur" the other day describing one of the closest narcissists I've encountered recently.
Even when you know what youre dealing with, have strong boundaries, and an agreement with yourself. If im not "in the moment and mindful, 💥 BAM 💥. he says anything in that supior tone, Im off the chain, already in Brazil before i come to my senses. I get so mad at myself. Im sick of it.... it never stops, and its hideous what it can do to your mental state, even when you know..🥺 im so glad i found you.
You’re way to kind Dr C. My narc parents would never allow me to get a word about anything out if it impacted their self righteousness in any way. After being told that nothing they did was any of my damn business (and expecting me to be their poa) then telling me they just really don’t care about me just gave me the cue to exit stage left quickly. That was the 3rd or 4th time they indicated they just didn’t care. No one could ever tell my parents that others have rights to their own feelings and actions. These people had to control everything about my life including being forced to go hug my mother after she didn’t speak to me for years. That happened multiple times. Finally at about age 50 I said NO. And thus the fallout began.
Funny how incorrigible narc parents love to invoke the "honor thy father and mother" thing.
My 'go to' phrase for my perpetually angry narc was "Be as mad as you need to be." and then I'd shift focus to something/someone else. When they weren't angry, content with gaslighting, I'd change it to, "Whatever." Defused/confused them every time.
You get it.
I tend to use a similar phrase when I’m highly stressed by their antics and it’s: get over it. It’s harsh but I can’t help myself most of the time because I’m so sick to death of being treated so poorly.
I've used some of these phrases myself--
"Let it go."
"I'm not your enemy, and you're not my enemy."
I'm beginning to notice sooner when someone gets a rise out of disturbing my peace or goes into childish tantrum mode for not getting their way. I'm also recognizing that I gain the upper hand by not sacrificing my peace for their pleasure. It takes some practice, but it is well worth the effort.
You get it!
Yes, I finally "get it." I've been learning a lot about the autistic brain operating system -- a recent self-discovery -- and how it can resemble narcissism at times, and what differences to look for. Learning about both types has helped me learn how to manage my own reactions and responses during conflict. Going "gray rock" and "letting go" are effective means of defusing all sorts of emotional time-bombs.
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Yet they expect and demand for you to let it go when they try to destroy you.
My eighty year old mother needs her cell phone taken. It's insane how she calls people to do her dirty work and they fall for it every time.
I don't bother with my dad, he won't be hearing from me on Father's Day, etither!
I love the practical examples of the narcissists *_veneer,_* I just feel so sad that they are insecure and have to feel loved through fear based control.
Wow... Good insight!
I agree, mine tried every trick in the book to scare me. From killing himself, and then to divorcing me and getting full custody of the kids. That was the one that pushed all my buttons. He pushed me right into divorce ing him. He NEVER said I'm sorry. After 10 years of marriage and over 20 years divorced everything wrong in his life is still my fault. They don't grow up.
& they can't wear you out if you're not around ... Remember to walk away . There's times you must let them know that your in charge of this and that ...
You can let them know that I'm letting go ,.. but you can hold on to it , but I'm moving on .
& You can say you could let it go it's up to you .
.... Let them know they can go be negative to someone else.
... It's not working with you .
The less your around them the better. Pick your people carefully.
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First case yes. I'm generally warm and open. Second w narcs no. I'm getting better at leaving. The last one absolutely could not accept difference and w/o speaking made assumptions about me. Let it go. I did.
"Let it go". Sometimes you need to let yourself be wrong. "Let it go" for the greater good.
Fighting to get your way or to prove you are right can end badly. No one wins. Best be safe than sorry.
Make sure the greater good is not code pendently enabling and condoning abuse, physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, spiritual.
@@elan007
That would be up to the victim by applying the advice of the professional Dr Carter
@@elan007 yes
"Let it go" has been said to me by so many narcissists, and especially enablers, when I've been hurt & confused by their abusive pain and chaos since I was little. I'm much wiser now, of course, but this statement still flips my switch. It's dismissive and insensitive. Now I won't, in good conscience, say that to anybody. I just quietly disengage or ask how can I help, depending on the person.
I feel like this is as triggering as "relax" or "calm down" when I am clearly relaxed and/or calm and they're exuding their uncharming superiority.
It only took 3 yrs. for me to disagree with you, Doc. And I'm not entirely disagreeing because that is exactly what they think. Saying that statement out loud is fighting words in most situations, imho. Love ya like ice cream! 💞
One time someone told me "let it go" and I replied, "why, is that what you do?" Boy did that get their jockies in a wad.
No, what they say is, “If you don’t like it, then just leave”. And when you do, drive as fast as you can, and as far as you can. I still feel that terror so many years later
Dr. Carter, thank you for sharing your wisdom with us, you are such a blessing and comfort and inspiration to so many.❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Let it go, were
my words to my ex-husband last week. We’ve known each other since our teens and he can’t help but bring up past conflicts from the 90’s & early 2000’s. I can’t speak to those incidents, they were so along ago but other hand he has a laundry list of recent bad choices that have led to our divorce but won’t speak to those things. I simply said let it go but he said no, he wants the truth from me. I decided not to converse with him anymore until he can at least stop talking about my past.
because you most likely cheated on him back then, but now want to distract with his supposed disrespect now, which is only a result that build up since your infractions back then. womyn logic.
I can't tell you how many narcissistic individuals I've grown up with throughout my life have blown up in my face after I either told them to "let it go" or the "I am not your enemy" line. Thank you Dr C for this video and I look forward to the next! 👍🤝😊
Yes I use the .. I'm not your enemy.. I don't wish u any ill will. I Just wish you the best.. but I gotta go