the thing is that I consciously choose to remember the good because it makes ME feel good and it prevents me from feeling resentment because it didn´t work or because its over (for now at least). I use the "snapshot" to visualize what I want to experience in my next partner (keep the dream, replace the person!). Thank you, Susan, you are one of the best relationship coaches, never miss a video.
oh thank you Bar!!! I mean that. And I love how you have transformed "snapshot" into a future positive of what you want in your next partner. Thank you for that bit of information because everyone who reads it will be able to benefit from your contribution. And thank you also for your thoughtful words.
Good video! Yep, sometimes you never know why a person did what they did, no matter how much you try to analyze it. It's way better to focus on what's happening now.
Exactly. And I believe that is what creates obsession. At some point it is not even about the person… It is about the lack of resolution because our mind will not settle down until it knows a "why." When the illogical makes no sense, we are struggling for an answer to put our mind at peace.
Anyone who experiences obsession is stuck in the past. And it is a difficult hook to escape. I wish somebody had told me this decades ago. Because the mind really believes that if it was possible once, it could be possible again.
Debra, absolutely. That's why the relevancy principal is so important. We get trapped in that moment when they were wonderful. When we felt loved. When we felt safe and secure and euphoric. But day-to-day, that's not the reality in present times. Thank you for your commentary.
Don't devalue yourself. Get out! If he did it to her, he'll do it to you. I worked for a girl who was the other woman. The man ended up commiting suicide. It's not worth it to anyone. Raise your standards.
@@Powerskaty thank you, I did get out but the obsession and being caught in the loop as Susan calls it are still factors, and although I’m not currently in it I’m still caught in the insanity.
ohh, that's interesting. Personally, I don't have any experience in either realm. I do know, ladies who do. I can tell you from those friends I know who have been with a married man that they live on the promises they hear with words rather than the actions they see.
@@SusanWinter agreed, live on a promise. A lot of the same things you mention such as the dream and the loop pertain. Mind you, I never sought him, it was him who chased me after many attempts I somehow saw “the dream” in him and allowed it to happen. It’s horrible for all parties but even after ending it I somehow find myself in the loop of obsession questioning maybe he really was going to leave I didn’t give him long enough, and I greatly appreciate your videos. I think infidelity, especially in the midlife years is much more common than people admit, if they are one of the parties doing it or a spouse. 💜💜💜
Love your profile photo!! Yes, I cover obsession from a multitude of angles. The relevant principal simply asks you to remember when was the last time they made you feel good. Meaning, how far in the past? And is that matching your day today reality with this person in the present
I think asking yourself is this behavior relevant can also help in a relationship too. I think sometimes I have attached a meaning to something my boyfriend really didn't pay attention too. Then I mention it and just really decide do I want to dwell on a, b or c. Is this really significant to me. Sometimes yes but sometimes no and I let it go and letting it go and remembering a snapshot that was better helps.
This is really smart advice and it's brilliant that you thought of this. You are self correcting. You are analyzing the situation and determining whether it is worth the anxiety or not. Absolutely brilliant!
ADK520, I'm sorry for your experience. We didn't have language for this in the past. Often times, we would be bullied into thinking that it was our fault that they were in a bad mood. Or that we had to be better to please them. That's the game that they play. Now, with the advent of the Internet and so much information being shared, we have a better skill set. Trust me if many people knew this years ago, they would've gotten out sooner. Thank you for divorcing them both because you voted for yourself and that's the highest act of self-care. Thank you for commenting on this page.
Debra!! You have it. Please send us a photo and a quote (with you in the photo, of course). I would love to post it.. I created the merch line so that people can be continually reminded of the things they forget. Thank you for letting me know about this. You can send it to media@susanwinter.net.
Great video Susan, I’m dealing with re-Dating a guy that disappeared last year and now he is back with a sorry and wanting another chance. We are dating slowly but I have severe anxiety around him. Is that a sign to run or I just need to breathe? 😢 11-2-24. Update. He just dumped me. He said he doesn’t feel the same as in the beginning. I guess my instincts were right.
Dearest LUCYLOO, you are justified in experiencing severe anxiety. He has proven himself unworthy in the past, inconsistent, he ghosted you, I doubt he gave you an explanation… And now he has a lapse in his dating pool so he has decided to contact you. I wouldn't trust him for a second. The only exclusion to this comment I have just made is if he had an addiction and is now in recovery for a year, or had another mental health problem that he was able to address head on. Otherwise, there's no excuse for not saying goodbye and giving a reason. So you don't need to run, but you certainly shouldn't walk toward him. If you feel curious, I would ask him point-blank at your next "date" to explain in detail what happened. Then Lucyloo. shut up. Even if he doesn't speak, keep complete silence until he opens his mouth. Until you hear exactly what it is and you tell him it was unacceptable behavior, there's no reason to date him unless you want to find the reason for his bad behavior. Please let me know what happens.
Should I leave my gf? Because she once told me she dreamed and missed her ex for few times who she broke up in 2009, people under your videos missing their exes indicate they still crave their exes, this is horrible
I realized (M, 31) my obsession is there to prevent me from going insane. I just need to sexually pursue any good looking woman. If I don't, I lose my mind as a young man. Nature is very smart and really wants to see reproduction. I solved my traumas, went to therapy & am actually very relaxed and in an excellent spot in life. Nothing is missing. It's just greed that needs to be kept in check. A gamble. A thrill. Because I'm bored. That's why I stopped obsessing. But it's a daily reminder.
I love you, Susan. You have had a gigantic impact on me over the past few years. I swear by your book! Thanks for everything. Xxx
Tom, thank you for letting me know. this is wonderful to read!!
Yep ignoring the red flags and just selectively focusing on positives creates obsession. Well said Susan
Thank you!
the thing is that I consciously choose to remember the good because it makes ME feel good and it prevents me from feeling resentment because it didn´t work or because its over (for now at least). I use the "snapshot" to visualize what I want to experience in my next partner (keep the dream, replace the person!). Thank you, Susan, you are one of the best relationship coaches, never miss a video.
oh thank you Bar!!! I mean that. And I love how you have transformed "snapshot" into a future positive of what you want in your next partner. Thank you for that bit of information because everyone who reads it will be able to benefit from your contribution. And thank you also for your thoughtful words.
What a guiding light you are Ma'am. Thank you for years of wisdom 🤍
Thank you, Eceleste! Your comment makes me smile ear to ear!!
Good video! Yep, sometimes you never know why a person did what they did, no matter how much you try to analyze it. It's way better to focus on what's happening now.
Exactly. And I believe that is what creates obsession. At some point it is not even about the person… It is about the lack of resolution because our mind will not settle down until it knows a "why." When the illogical makes no sense, we are struggling for an answer to put our mind at peace.
Great advice! I never thought if it that way that I was focused on the time when he love bombed me.
Thank you Susan. so many moments my mind is going back to, really easy to ignore the coldness of the reality :( but it makes sense
Anyone who experiences obsession is stuck in the past. And it is a difficult hook to escape. I wish somebody had told me this decades ago. Because the mind really believes that if it was possible once, it could be possible again.
Great daily reminders of what the relationship was REALLY like in reality, not fantasy. Ha 😊
Debra, absolutely. That's why the relevancy principal is so important. We get trapped in that moment when they were wonderful. When we felt loved. When we felt safe and secure and euphoric. But day-to-day, that's not the reality in present times. Thank you for your commentary.
Very good, Susan! And you also look great!
Aww... thank you.!!
Love this message
Much appreciated Scorpio
@ it goes beyond dating into everyday interactions with others 👍🏻
I needed this
I'm so happy you found your way to this video
This video is a keeper!
Thank you, Captain
Another great video Susan, I’d love to see some content on being the other woman, or being caught in a relationship with someone married.
Don't devalue yourself. Get out! If he did it to her, he'll do it to you. I worked for a girl who was the other woman. The man ended up commiting suicide. It's not worth it to anyone. Raise your standards.
@@Powerskaty thank you, I did get out but the obsession and being caught in the loop as Susan calls it are still factors, and although I’m not currently in it I’m still caught in the insanity.
ohh, that's interesting. Personally, I don't have any experience in either realm. I do know, ladies who do. I can tell you from those friends I know who have been with a married man that they live on the promises they hear with words rather than the actions they see.
@@SusanWinter agreed, live on a promise. A lot of the same things you mention such as the dream and the loop pertain. Mind you, I never sought him, it was him who chased me after many attempts I somehow saw “the dream” in him and allowed it to happen. It’s horrible for all parties but even after ending it I somehow find myself in the loop of obsession questioning maybe he really was going to leave I didn’t give him long enough, and I greatly appreciate your videos. I think infidelity, especially in the midlife years is much more common than people admit, if they are one of the parties doing it or a spouse. 💜💜💜
Thank you. Talk more about it please
Love your profile photo!! Yes, I cover obsession from a multitude of angles. The relevant principal simply asks you to remember when was the last time they made you feel good. Meaning, how far in the past? And is that matching your day today reality with this person in the present
I think asking yourself is this behavior relevant can also help in a relationship too. I think sometimes I have attached a meaning to something my boyfriend really didn't pay attention too. Then I mention it and just really decide do I want to dwell on a, b or c. Is this really significant to me. Sometimes yes but sometimes no and I let it go and letting it go and remembering a snapshot that was better helps.
This is really smart advice and it's brilliant that you thought of this. You are self correcting. You are analyzing the situation and determining whether it is worth the anxiety or not. Absolutely brilliant!
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
I ignored them in verbal abuser men, even married 2. I divorced them both.
ADK520, I'm sorry for your experience. We didn't have language for this in the past. Often times, we would be bullied into thinking that it was our fault that they were in a bad mood. Or that we had to be better to please them. That's the game that they play. Now, with the advent of the Internet and so much information being shared, we have a better skill set. Trust me if many people knew this years ago, they would've gotten out sooner. Thank you for divorcing them both because you voted for yourself and that's the highest act of self-care. Thank you for commenting on this page.
I love my cup Keep the dream Replace the person and my handbag It’s you, not me!! Ha ha Thanks
Debra!! You have it. Please send us a photo and a quote (with you in the photo, of course). I would love to post it.. I created the merch line so that people can be continually reminded of the things they forget. Thank you for letting me know about this. You can send it to media@susanwinter.net.
So true what you say,,I like what you say,,,helps me
Great video Susan, I’m dealing with re-Dating a guy that disappeared last year and now he is back with a sorry and wanting another chance. We are dating slowly but I have severe anxiety around him. Is that a sign to run or I just need to breathe? 😢
11-2-24. Update. He just dumped me. He said he doesn’t feel the same as in the beginning. I guess my instincts were right.
Dearest LUCYLOO, you are justified in experiencing severe anxiety. He has proven himself unworthy in the past, inconsistent, he ghosted you, I doubt he gave you an explanation… And now he has a lapse in his dating pool so he has decided to contact you. I wouldn't trust him for a second. The only exclusion to this comment I have just made is if he had an addiction and is now in recovery for a year, or had another mental health problem that he was able to address head on. Otherwise, there's no excuse for not saying goodbye and giving a reason. So you don't need to run, but you certainly shouldn't walk toward him. If you feel curious, I would ask him point-blank at your next "date" to explain in detail what happened. Then Lucyloo. shut up. Even if he doesn't speak, keep complete silence until he opens his mouth. Until you hear exactly what it is and you tell him it was unacceptable behavior, there's no reason to date him unless you want to find the reason for his bad behavior. Please let me know what happens.
Should I leave my gf? Because she once told me she dreamed and missed her ex for few times who she broke up in 2009, people under your videos missing their exes indicate they still crave their exes, this is horrible
I realized (M, 31) my obsession is there to prevent me from going insane. I just need to sexually pursue any good looking woman. If I don't, I lose my mind as a young man. Nature is very smart and really wants to see reproduction. I solved my traumas, went to therapy & am actually very relaxed and in an excellent spot in life. Nothing is missing. It's just greed that needs to be kept in check. A gamble. A thrill. Because I'm bored. That's why I stopped obsessing. But it's a daily reminder.
Susan are you a single cougar?