Obsessing over, “Why don’t they want me?”
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 เม.ย. 2022
- They wanted you (or so it seemed). What happened? The loop of obsession over this question can feel like a downward spiral.
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I guess the reason why we would often have this kind of obsession over an unattainable person is because they once made you feel as if you were so close to them before they decided to pull away from you and it made you feel as though this relationship might still work out if we had done something on our part, forgetting that in reality any relationship only works when both parties are present and have the same goals or want the same thing.
So true 👍
You said it so well!
I know this might be a dumb question but could you explain how some people would not have the same goals/want the same things? Does it have to be something important?
@@Snailmail1 Hi! Thank you for your message and I hope I can help answer your question as best I can:
By “sharing the same goal/wanting the same thing”, I meant that, in my opinion, the two people in a serious relationship have to have their views on what they want in a relationship at least somewhat aligned (i.e. the goal), like: “do they want a long term relationship or not?”, “how do they like their long term relationship to be?”, “does it have to be full of excitement?” or “do they find security in having a rather stable but mostly routine life?”, etc. These are all a matter of preferences and there is not necessarily a way or need to say which choice is right or wrong, or better or worse, as long as we own both the good and the bad as we make those choices in our lives.
To me, getting to know - and hopefully understand - what the other person truly wants in a relationship is tricky. As much as I wanted to play it safe and make an informed decision on whether or not to invest in a seemingly possible relationship before investing anything first, I find that I always had to at least put some effort in it before I could confirm if the relationship was going anywhere or not. In other words, we risk being hurt whenever we try to love someone with our true heart.
What’s more, even if a person was initially interested in us, it might not always mean they have to stay interested in us because people do have a tendency to change as life events happen to them. Sometimes, they might realise in the course of being in a relationship with us that they didn’t really want what they were getting out of the relationship. For example, someone I used to love was also hoping to have a long term and stable relationship, but then they realised they didn’t want a routine life (having more or less the same timetable each day) but for me, it doesn’t matter that much as long as I know the two people are in love with each other- I can understand small surprises and “sparks” can help energise a relationship but not necessarily the single most important priority in order to sustain a relationship.
If I am being honest I have to say that I am not an expert in love, but I guess the best thing I could do would be to keep in mind that we all have our differences and if you love someone for real, you would try hard to find common ground with the one you love while being true to yourself.
Back to the original question: yes, it is important to have these values and expectations aligned in order to stay happy and content in a relationship with the other person.
I do believe love is somewhat like a contract in terms of setting appropriate boundaries and expectations so that both parties in the relationship are happy with each other. And by doing this right, it contributes to the longevity of the relationship.
I know this answer might be a bit long but I hope this sheds some light on the context in which I wrote the previous comment. :)
I wonder if we dwell on why someone doesn't want us is because maybe somewhere in childhood we felt that way.
If these low vibe people think you are too much, let them settle for less. If you were good to them and they completely disrespected you and made you feel like you were nothing, know that you are probably too good for them. Pick yourself up and focus on you and your self growth. You will eventually look back on these people and see how much better off you are without them. Let them sit in their mess while you expand beyond what you thought possible.
There are no low give ppl, that's ridiculous
It is so hard to see oneself as better than the treatment you get but your right. Watching this video has opened my eyes. The pedestal is broken now
Thankyou perfect
Thank you so much, I needed to hear this. Perfection!
I stopped obsessing the minute I realized that obsessing had nothing to do with them but it was looking for a way to blame myself. I refuse to blame myself for anything I cannot control. Thank you for a wonderful vides. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
Wow, SeattleGal. That’s intense. Why do we always think it’s our fault? That we lack? That we are not enough? I guess it’s most peoples go to… But it certainly isn’t true
It's always good to examine ourselves to learn if we did them wrong, even we were only 1% of the problem.
With that said, yes, if they left us, it is out of our control and to me, it's a clear sign it's over, (closure) and I'd never take them back.
They/we had their/our chance.
@@mikyl-fo8rh I don't think it is, especially not for women who have such a huge tendency to self blame.
I mean, you can understand with your head but your heart is a different matter.
True... it takes a while to accept that the outcome isn't as you'd wish.
I love how the content of this channel challenges us to take the control back in our lives because we can't control another person's feelings, responses, getting closure from them, etc. After having subscribed to this channel for over a year, I feel more empowered than I ever have. Thank you, Susan. ❤️💙
Hi Craig!! thanks for the awesome comment and your support.
Happy for you Craig. Stay strong♥️
I used to blame myself if someone I love doesn't love me back but after watching your videos for a while, I realized it isn't my fault. It is now my biggest turn off when someone I like doesn't like me back. Thank you, Susan. ❤️
I’m pleased to hear that you have solidified your personal value and know what you deserve! Thank you for your love and support!
Why, why why. I had FINALLY found a guy that wanted a serious relationship and everything was so good, the first month, good chemistry, attraction... And I thought, well, this is my last try, it was too good to be true, "What's the catch", I asked him. "There's no catch". "Is your heart open for me?" -"Absolutely". After a month he showed his true colors: turned out he was a dismissive avoidant. He didn't want intimacy, love, affection. I gave too much, I cared too much. I wanted him to see me. I was too much for him. He found excuses to pull away and break up. And of course, dissapear...
I guess we want unattainable people because it's the closest we are to "having" what we want, which underneath it all is just to love and be loved, having a partner, a love story, a life project with someone... It's not about the person themselves, it´s about what being with someone happily brings to our life. It's hard navigating the uneasiness of not having that at the moment, and the discomfort it brings.... plus the idea of "what if I never find anyone"?. So we fill our heads with someone, even if that someone is the absolute worst person to fulfill said needs. I see it almost as a survival mechanism to keep us going, until we finally find what we want and the neurosis is over... The best thing that can happen to us is for said people to never want to be with us, because if they would, that would most certainly be a real tragedy
I cried so much when you asked why do I need a person who doesn’t want me
“Think well of yourself” …. 💜
Yes
I'm already tired waiting for someone to love me back. My heart is so tired right now. 😔
I don't deserve this.
I absolutely feel this 💯. It’s sickening that so many of us are going through this across the globe. I’m at a point of giving up on love even reading the word ‘love’ 🤦🏽♀️
@@aleayh *hugs* 🥺🤍
Same. Hope you can move on and feel better soon. We don't deserve it.
Hey Macey. Put your eyes and attention in the future forward.
I feel exactly the same, I feel defeated and exhausted from being heartbroken 💔 I didn’t realise that being on my mid 30’s and single would be so painfully lonely 😔
You know how to make a person feel better . I had this problem when I was single but unfortunately I didn’t have enough self worth and married an abusive husband . So please young ladies listen to Susan Winters. I always wondered why someone wouldn’t date me or commit to me . I thought it was because I was a plain Jane and when I met my husband, I was so happy that I finally was in a committed relationship .I failed to see the red flags due to my low self esteem and self worth. Thirty years later , I am struggling to get out of my marriage . So please , if someone doesn’t want to commit to you , just let that person go and don’t rush into marrying someone unless that person treats you with respect . Susan Winters , you are a gem .
Quit chasing your DA ex, it is just not worth chasing these types of people. I like Susan’s analogy, don’t keep putting more money in the pot thinking things will get better, they won’t. If your ex doesn’t realize your value find someone who does. Find someone that values you and do not chase your ex who doesn’t care about everything you did for them. Stay strong everyone!
Great advice. I'm slowly starting to get out of the "why don't they want me" mindset. And this can also apply to all parts of life. Job, friends, family.
Your worth is so much higher than you can ever imagine.
Very timely video for me. It almost felt like you were speaking directly to my situation. Thank you, Susan.
Scott, I love it when this happens. Perfect timing! I wish you well.
Same for me, perfect timing. Whenever I’m going through something, you seem to pop in with a video that speaks to situation. Thank you
Definitely what I needed to be reminded this morning. I am picking myself up & have to remember to appreciate the experience, value those memories, but realize it’s time to let go.
She is truly the best. If you believe in God, I perceive Susan as a gift from him♥️💋
yea me to
If I ever get the love of my life in the future , I will come back to share it with all of you, because right now I’m going through hell.
bringing tears to my eyes. i needed to hear this today.
Kara this is beautiful. Thank you for this lovely message
Exactly this is what m going through right now.. I ve tried my best... It's painful to knw that they don't care .. Now m ready to move on
Excellent news
Because you've chosen them. You decided "this is the one for me." They just need to choose you back. It's like you're half-way there!
I've been embroiled in this loop for a very long time! For a number of reasons; some of which I know and others that I do not. What I always find interesting is that there are many others in the same boat, but those people don't seem to meet! The cycle keeps repeating for people independently and in an isolated manner.
This is a great video and message. I expect nothing less from the profound Ms Winter!
MMM!!!! thank you!!
Thank you! I so much overthink about the "why". In the end, it doesn't matter that much... it's just a way of not accepting reality as it is.
Acceptance can be difficult but is one of the necessary elements to move on
It reminds me of a quote from the great book The Portable Therapist: "At some point we have to let go of the why and get on with the living."
I'm obsessing over someone who told me that they can't give me what I want. I don't know why I can't get over them and the imagined life that I thought we could potentially have. But I also know that if my friend was in my situation then I'd tell them to not waste their time in someone who isn't invested in them and to move on! Your videos are so helpful!
It's not a question of why they don't want me .is more like a fear of not finding someone like them .but we forget that we could do even better 🙂
Have you written down everything that you want in a partner? You might be surprised as to what you think you want versus what you actually need! Once that is complete, the universe will position you to find the right partner
I had to rewatch this video twice just to get it into my mind that I shouldn't blame myself for his actions, his bad behavior, treating me bad like I'm disposable and questioning maybe it's because I wasn't good enough or etc... why should I tear myself down like this? It's really sad and heartbreaking. I'm so glad I came across this video to remind me that it's not me. Truly isn't. I might have to keep replaying it to remind myself until I get over it because I'm really soooo hurt by him and this situation that I really feel so depressed. 😞
It’s not easy to realise that whatever you give or praise
That person might still be in healing ❤️🩹
It’s not your time
Be brave
Don’t waste precious time
Someone who waiting in the wings for you to close that door
Soo another opens
And behold there is the partner who is more attuned to you
Patiently waiting
Be blessed
We are all loved 🥰
I'm really tired of looking for the signs, reconfiguring the situation in my head, the hoping, the longing and they make no effort and I get up everyday looking for signs ..... I want to be free. Thanks for your videos!
Currently going through this and I’ve never felt this weak in my whole life. I feel like they strung me along. I’m struggling so much. I already know all that you said and I think well of myself but this hurts. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. The worst part is that I see this person everyday. I’m so emotionally drained 😊
This message came just right at the right time. Felt cosmic. Thank you, Susan.
Love it Jin. thank you for letting me know
I kept asking and blaming myself for just over a year why this person had broken up with me. It took me a lot to put myself together and move on. Decided I had to start working on myself, and made quite some outstanding changes. Yes. Of course we know what happens when we improve ourselves after being dumped. That person came back into my life claiming willing to take things seriously this time. Though this time I set boundaries for that. Not so long did it take for the cold and distancing to make its reappearance followed by a block on everything after I made an ultimatum. I couldn't believed had gotten heart broken again though this time I felt I had no longer anything to blame myself for. Getting slowly back on track again, and really not feeling the urge to date anyone anytime soon but to getting comfortable again with who I am and be happy with it. In this process of healing and growing, the insight and sense of self-awareness I get from your words Susan is fundamental. Thank you so so much for being amazing.
It sounds like you are on a positive and steady path! I’m so proud of you!
We have to let these peoole GO. The why does not even matter.
So timely as I was struggling with this today. And I also heard the following verse this morning when having my prayer time: Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before. Philippians 3:13.
Beautiful!
BAM ! Outta the ballpark on that one...
Susan...you may have popped my bubble and broke that cycling of thoughts of "why not me, how can she choose a stranger over me".....thanks
Putting good money at a bad investment. Known as SUNKEN FALLACY!
#emptyspraycan
I think the reason why we fall for someone that does not want you/us because we think that ``this person is so handsome/beautiful and kind im never gonna find anyone good as he/she is i just gonna find something worse.
Yes! Very hard to believe there is someone out there that could compare to them.
BUT, there are billions of people on this world. And the one who has provided problems for us is only 1
Having a crush is so hard because of this and ı keep having them even tho ı dont want to. And this video just came in the right time. I am so sad about not being over him.
Thanks for addressing this frustration. I’ve felt it before and I’ve felt flustered by it before because it’s a situation that can’t be fixed. You’re right the best solution is walking away from the person and staying open to other people.
There is someone out there that will see you for the amazing person you are!
The continuous failure to establish connections over the past seven years has started to mess up with my head, even though I receive great appreciation from people in terms of friendships. I want to express my gratitude for the insightful advice, we appreciate you Susan! Been a long follower and hopefully someday I’ll finally get to learn something😂
This woman has a good head on her shoulders and gives good advice. I'm glad I came across this. It helped me to hear her explain it like she did. She gave me a "better view" of what I couldn't see or didn't see. I'm taking her advice and moving on with my life, I'm too strong for this. I had a moment of weakness, a deep sadness in me and I cried to someone I shouldn't have, I reached for support. It was hard, I never ask for help and never cry. I was just very sad. I still am but I'll keep it to myself now. I don't need to show anyone my tears
amazing video!!
words of gold...thank you Susan!
You are so right, Susan! Wow, the impeccability of your words to describe the mind loops that we sometimes have over men who are not showing up consistently. When we have others who are crazy to date us and be with us!! Let’s be smart & go for the ones who actually do want us!!
It’s not always easy to control our impulses and stop the cycle of constant evaluation. Even if you’ve never gotten closure from them, you can create closure within yourself and appreciate those you adore you!
@@SusanWinter Woww Susan such a grt advice
@@SusanWinterThank you, Susan, and you look amazing! I love that beautiful dress! 🤩
Thank you very much. I needed this affirmation at present.
Love you... This is what I needed to hear this now
Love the message that you gave away in this video Susan. Thank you very much 😊💗
Really meaningful. Thanks Susan.
I really needed this! Thank you ❤
Im crying to this video cause i feel so called out thank you so much
Great video!! Very helpful!! Thanks
These thoughts have been spinning around in my head for a year now. So when these kind of videos show up they are always welcome as a reminder that it wasn't me who made the relationship fall apart.
Thank you. I just bought your book Breakup Triage. Looking forward to it tonight. Xoxox 🌸
I literally ended up in tears as i was progressing through the video!
Thank you Susan! ❤
Omg this is EXACTLY what I need to hear right now. I am so obsessive. Thank you!
I was told I was too good. I realized I was too.good and never looked back.
🥰 good for you!!!
I also felt this came in time as if you were speaking to me directly. Thank you
Your videos are giving me a confidence boost that I really need at this moment.
Wow I really love your content. It makes so much of sense and is so applicable for our problem solving. Thank you so much for the good work!!
Brought tears to my eyes also. I'm enough more than enough ❤
.. Susan, you're giving me my mental sanity back.
... Thank you.
I needed this message today. Thank you for this beautiful reminder, Susan!
i’m crying
Amazing video, the accuracy you described the whole loop was shocking. I was well aware of all what was happening, I knew that I wanted the drama and been avoidant of relationships, yet I couldn't get out of this loop. or maybe I didn't want to..
Amazing content in this channel, much love ❤❤❤❤
Wow what a video I am stunned by your wisdom and choice of saying things it's truly inspiring. You have helped me a ton and for that I am truly grateful 🥰
Thank you . You helped me. Put things in perspective for me.
Wow you get me every single time! Love Guru & Genius! Aunt Susan ❤✨❤
Thanks Really love this message, it's one of those things that you wish you knew. We all know this but for some reason we choose to ignore it. THanks
Susan, thank you so much for this video. It's so funny because I've been learning how to value myself for some time now, and I've been over his rejection. But for some reason I clicked on your video and your messages became the starting point of a whole other process: forgiving myself, the person I was in the past, not so long ago, for not having respected myself in the face of his rejection and unavailability (whatever reasons it might be as you rightly said). I feel like I'm recovering parts of me. Thanks so much for that. Hugs from Paris.
A powerful Eye opener!!! Hook ,line n Sinker absolutely.. self love is so so important infact critical..❤
This lady is so wise. God bless you, Susan. Sending you a big hug from England.
so glad I came across your channel
Thank you Susan
Thank you 🙏🏽 Susan
Susan, you are a breath of fresh air-love your insight-thank you for sharing with us
Wow. I feel like i literally asked you about my specific situation. So accurate. Thank you. I need to hear this
I’m stuck in the cycle right now it’s been over a year I can’t seem to get over him . I was to much for him I know it because he told me multiple times ! My emotions scared him and he set up his life to not have to do to much feeling . But still knowing that I love him .. because In the beginning he was onboard with us , we had a connection, we had promise …. Then he changed his mind and pulled the rug out from underneath me and shut me out .
There is a special place in heaven for people like you, Susan♥️
You have given me a closure the other party that I was involved with has miserably failed to do so, starting from your triage book on Amazon to your current video.
May NOTHING but good karma find its way to you♥️♥️🤗🤗
Lots and lots of genuine love from my heart to yours.
Something about these videos bruise my ego but at the same time it’s words of wisdom that need to be heard. And I do hear but I have to try to go deeper. I have to LISTEN not just “hear”
I really needed to hear this. Thank you! You’re amazing ❤️
I’m so happy to help!
This one really hit me, thank you.
🤗
Beautiful truthful video's I'm new to your channel and I enjoy it thank you 😊
Grateful!
I think this is such sage advice. Obviously, I’m terrifying to this person and they aren’t ready for what I’m offering. And why should I waste my time if they’re resisting the issue so much? Just move on and find someone who values me the way I value myself. 🖤💯
Your channel is God send. You are just amazing ❤ Thankyou for helping so many of us out from these issues
Right on time, right on schedule! Really struggling with this atm!
I’m sending many positive vibes your way!
How beautifully you described the situation... Of course it is harder to do it than to say it (hear it). I lately have this question in my mind constantly... Why do I like the person that doesn't like me? Although I now know this person is unavailable why I keep thinking of them? It is more like we make stuff in our minds, idolize the others and then it is hard to put them down of the pedestal we put them on. I wish my healing process be a bit faster this time. I am losing way to much time and energy for a person that doesn't like me back... Thank you for your wonderful video!
Wow. Involved with a married man. this is so true. You are bang on. Nailed it.
Thank you Susan, this was something I needed to hear!
I’m so happy that you found this helpful!
this was so positive and uplifting! Thank you, Susan!
Thank you, Katie! You’re kind words mean so much!
It's always good to reflect on yourself, especially after a break up and for example looking into your part in this. But apart from that you want someone who wants you, it's so destructive to run after or obsess about someone who isn't (genuinely) interested.
I think because there was once a special felling or connection with that person, so you can't understand why it all had to stop. She is right though, they may even feel unworthy of you, not up to the challenge, and this is so sad, as they don't really know you well enough.
Thank you, Susan! I needed this🙂
You’re very welcome!
Thank you I’m so heartbroken I really love this guy
so on time! Thank you, Susan~
Perfect!
Susan, you are a gift! Wishing you loads of sunshine - thank you for the wonderful content! ❤
Thank you and sending sunshine right back at you
Great message and great perspective on this topic. It is something that I have struggled with.
Thanks CatLady
Thanks, so true
Unreal!!
Was gonna look up Susan's channel about this very subject- still obsessing- and before I could this video just popped up!
Always relevant, always insightful, always so so helpful!!
Thank you Susan for your calming and down to earth advice! 🤗
I truly hope you found it helpful! It’s so wonderful how the universe works and puts things in front of you that you need.
Please talk more about unrequited love. I really need that.
Have you searched for particular videos using the search bar? I have quite a few
Oh, susan ı have watched them all and going to watch them again for your kind comment. Love you so much.
You have a way of putting it into words like no other!
Hello Jennifer! Thank you for the sweet compliment!
Thank you so much!!
'I'm in shape' box I definitely couldn't tick for myself. This rest was very helpful though
Only the finest advice, as I would only expect from the best ❤
Awww shucks! 😊