ADHD & Relationships: Emotions & Having a Ferrari Brain with Bicycle Brakes
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ย. 2024
- Dealing with emotions can feel like a full-time job for a person with ADHD - and it can be incredibly confusing for the neurotypical people in our lives! Especially our partners.
On today’s episode, Lindsay dives into the power that emotions can hold in an ADHD-impacted relationship with ADHD relationship expert Melissa Orlov. Melissa talks about the intensity of anger, shame and self-esteem and how the non-ADHD partner can help support specific emotional needs of their ADHD partner. She also offers a ton of suggestions on how couples can get started on a path to better understanding and communication.
This is part three of Lindsay’s four-part conversation with Melissa. To start at the beginning, go back to episode 65 ADHD & Relationships with Melissa Orlov released on February 6th.
Join the conversation by reaching Lindsay via hello@refocusedpod.com or on social media at @lindsayguentzel now!
What if the NT partner is totally burned out, sick, overwhelmed and unwell from years of their spouses' ADHD behaviours? Compassion is all good and well but we need to seriously include the impact ADHD can have on the NT partner as well in these conversations!
Yes! I am burnt out on every level and there is really no support for people like us. The attention is always on the person with adhd. Not the person who has had their soul ripped apart by the adhd behaviors.
@@kjthawriter please do not make general conclusions. As a person with ADHd I have had awful experiences with past partners. My symptoms made me an open book, compulsive and as if I had written on my forehead "Come on, you can take advantage of me" (I mention only this, because, otherwise, I'd have to write for hours). So I understand you have been hurt, but this doesn't mean all of us with ADHD behave as ass#*les. Finally, beyond that, of course, ADHD is the basis of the talk, because ADHD is the one to be recognized, diagnosed, and should be treated. This would benefit both sides.
Diagnosis? Don't do it if you want to work in another country! Many countries won't give a work visa when you have an ADHD/Autism diagnosis!
Honestly this is legit as someone with ADHD.
Ditto! Are there videos for the NT spouses who are on sick leave because of the chaos (aggression, anger)?
I would love to hear your focused take on lifestyle and habitat contaminants contributing to these imbalances within the human body that scatters our clarity. Many thanks
This is probably the 100th vid I have watched about ADHD, as I am married to someone who was late diagnosed with severe ADHD..... and it explains a lot...... but I am so tired. Its mentally and physically exhausting. I find its often people with ADHD making these guides and help videos, and while there's always a " Oh my poor partner" aspect, it always seems to come down to once again , " They have to understand that my ADHD trumps everything" mentality. There is never a NEED to understand just what mental and physical HELL the NT partner goes through :(
If your partner had an amputated leg would you expect them to do the same things as a partner with two complete legs?
@@katherineberger6329
lets go with this analogy.
My partner has 1 amputated leg. We live on the 4th floor. The elevator quite often doesnt work (ADHD) so we often have to take the stairs. But I have to carry all the groceries when this happens.
I know its not their fault that the Elevator sometimes doesnt work. So each time I have to take the groceries up by hand, I get more and more tired.
What you are telling me is that i can NEVER feel tired or complain because. "I ONLY HAVE ONE LEG" Trumps any of my issues ?
@@Fuzzycub_ A disability often does define the contours of your relationship. I'm not telling you that you can "never feel tired or complain," I'm saying that complaining to complete strangers who don't have a relationship or obligation to you does nothing but pile more shame on people who are already deeply and constantly shamed for their ADHD.
Keeping with the analogy, what you're saying is that you can walk into an amputee support group and complain about how your third-floor walk-up apartment inconveniences you. You're angry at your partner and taking it out on other people.
@@katherineberger6329 All is see at the moment is someone making it all about them again.......
This video has helped me very much by making me more aware of how my reactions to frustrations are different than how others react .. eye opening!
After 27 years married with to a man diagnosed with early cognitive decline AND just recently a ADHD husband. THE EMOTIONS; shock, surprise, anger, frustration, exhaustion and maritage dysregulation....I just need to leave to get away from the stress...
I was finally diagnosed at age 68. Oh, how different my life would've been... 😥
Hang in there friend! 🤗
That's such a common reaction. The sadness about it is so valid.
Holy smokes !!!!!! Amazing video !!! I'm so so thankful to have stumbled upon it !!!! So very thankful to have found you two ladies !!! This video was mind blowing to me, eye opening to me and helped heal my heart a tiny bit !!! I will now be following both of you and definately will spread the word of you both !!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you !!!!!!!!!!!
This is astounding information. Really appreciated. (Non-adhd partner here). Thank you so much. This is really helping me to understand his reactions. whoah.
As a partner with ADHD, I find it a constant struggle to regulate & modulate my emotions in a way that makes them easier to handle for my partner. They can still tell when I'm feeling something that I'm struggling to control, and it took me years (including serious therapy) to be able to say, "I am trying to deal with this so you don't have to take the brunt of my emotional storm, I will share what I'm feeling when I can do it without yelling, crying, or screaming." I do readily share the stupid things that make me laugh uncontrollably, though. They usually like that but are sometimes dumbfounded by what I find funny.
It doesn't always work. A disability is still a disability. But I try. Most ADHDers try because we know that our turbulent emotions are not socially acceptable from a lifetime of having that pounded into us.
An extremely and impressively direct deep-dive into the matters at hand. I have adult ADHD and I've struggled with acknowledging it and pushing it aside my whole life, and this interview was an astonishing "WAKE THE FUCK UP" in my opinion... But also a very thorough and concise reenactment or dramatization of the thoughts that go through our heads. Also, it gave me a better understanding of what it is like to be on the other end.
I have fallen into these interviews with her. And although we know my partber has diagnosed ADD who has been telling me i struggle with ADHD but me not officially diagnosed. Its killing me that we both have medical background . Yet hes resistant to see relationship therapist..stating its hippy stuff..ugh..textbook deflective...he knows his diagnosis and lifetime struggle. But the insights here we're like someone sitting in our livingroom
Complaining is a form of control and a manipulation tactic. My partner is a relentless complainer.
I think my 63 yr old partner has ADHD and if ONE thing goes wrong then everything is AWFUL.
This is so exhausting. He is an expert at noticing what is WRONG.
One wrong event will set off a tirade of complaints of things that happened years ago!
He goes on and on and will not stop!
He is always a victim....this is how he sees himself and it sucks for me to see him like this. Ugh.
So one you tube video I watched said I have to "allow" him to "just be”..and not react. Ok but he goes on and on and on and ON...I have left the house many times just to get AWAY from him and get some peace..and this helps me calm down but if it's dark outside then I will NOT leave and so I have to endure this negativity which is depressing and horrible for ME I'm getting worn out .....agh........my blood pressure goes way up..
Life presents to everyone challenges, problems and tragedies. My view is we can take action to find solutions and create a beautiful life. Or, we choose the self destructive paradigm where our never ending self indulging lamenting, blaming, bellyaching and complaining is nothing else but manipulating others.
This is SO relatable. Thank you for this
This is so so so so soooo good, validating, and forgiving.✨🥺✨
I just watched this twice in a row. What a genuine, helpful, REAL conversation. The specific scenarios really hit me. Thank you sooo much for such honest, practical information. 🙏🙏🙏
Thank you thank you thank you🙏🙏🙏 for being so clear, so sincere, and having the respect and compassion to know this subject so well🙏
Julia Crane
Melissa Orlov is a fascinating guest. Are you still planning to post Part 4 of the discussion with her? It doesn't seem to be in the Playlist (or at least I could not find it).
I am so sorry that those mean girls did that to you. When I was in middle school, my sister said to me, "Everybody hates you. Nobody likes you." I didn't tell my parents. It broke my trust in her. After our parents died, I have made myself free of her.
This. Is. Me.
Now … imagine someone so emotionally fiery (with the Anxious Attachment style) married to someone durn-near devoid of emotion, whom I suspect is Asperger’s / ASD1 (and has the Avoidant Attachment style). 😣
Opposites really do attract, man. 😅
This is an outstanding discussion on adhd. Thankyou so much.
Sometimes I wonder if non-ADHD spouses get so angry because they don't want to accept that any relationship modifications that require neurotypical-style behavior from an ADHDer spouse is destined to fail and probably destroy the relationship.
You cannot change your partner's brain. Trying to do so will only result in at best an angry and resentful ADHD spouse because even if the neurotypical thinks of their demands as "small and reasonable," they are a tremendous expenditure of effort and energy from the ADHDer and will eventually fall apart once the ADHDer is exhausted. Note that phrasing: Not "bored," EXHAUSTED.
This isn't to say that ADHDers can't practice skills to make their relationships better, but that the whole thing is a work in progress and if the goal is a 100% neurotypical-seeming partner, the relationship will fail. And despite the NT's protestations, that failure WILL be all their fault because they are demanding full accomodation from their disabled partner without reciprocation.
My wife has adhd and the emotional deregulation is destroying our relationship. It is so hard
Can you share with me the types of things she does.
I have just realized I've been having thst issue my whole life.
And am now aware but my Brain speed often heightens bfor I csn control it but then notice after.
Curiously whst it looks like in someone else
She escalates so quickly and intensely that it outpaces either of our ability to calmly address whatever triggered her.
As teachers we ro know but at the same time we do not have enough tools to support kids eith adhd. I attempt to give grace to my students. It is challenging but we try.what a great podcast I have a love interest eith adhd and Im trying to educate myself❤
Holy moly, all of this resonates with me.
C-ptsd has very simolar symtoms when it comes to emotional regulation fight flight freeze! Also insecure attachment from chkldhoood?
C-PTSD makes both diagnosis of and treatment for ADHD more complicated.
what a great and helpful conversation, thank you so much!
A lot of the resentful comments here seem to trivialize the fact that for the most part, neurodivergences if they are not just a straight-up disability, have features that are disabling in modern society. Speaking in broad generalities, people with ADHD would absolutely love to have fully enabled and fully present lives with the people they love, and generally are pretty frustrated with the parts of their condition that inhibit that from happening.
There are multiple instances in these comments of NT partners shaming non-related people who are living with a disability because you think that its impact on you is worse. How fair do you think that actually is?
20:19 how do I confront these behaviors in myself with my husband. Typically, it ends up coming across as an excuse. Also....12 years into my relationship and there's a lot of lost trust from these behaviors and it's so difficult to fix
Since OP is likely not going to read this: Relationship therapy helps. Getting into a position where you CAN be honest about the challenges that you're experiencing from your disability without your husband thinking it's an excuse helps.
I honestly hate the phrase "the only real disability in life is a bad attitude" because to me it reeks of insincere sincerity. The person saying it is trying to encourage someone with a broken leg, or with executive dysfunction, and it's a perfectly valid response to respond to that person, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
doesnt everyone struggle with shame?
What is a partner are you guys talking about a business or something I'm confused.
Mi partner she its adhd me autistic..I will disagree when saying to spose " try to do this way " its not criticizing ..its a sharing of opinion and experience .. you afirmate that it is criticizm ..
Whether you are neurotypical or neurodivergent, ALL. UNSOLICITED. ADVICE. IS. CRITICISM.
Is someone struggling with something? Let them ask you for help. Don't offer "help" without being asked EVEN IF IT LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE GOING TO FAIL, because failing is an integral part of learning.
Are they successfully doing something, but doing it in a way that you think is suboptimal? LEAVE. THEM. THE. HELL. ALONE. You might just be the one that learns something.
For a small example: I tie my shoes the "wrong" way. It gets done. My fingers know that way to do it. I've tried to learn the "right" way and my fingers just don't want to. DON'T MAKE ME DO IT YOUR WAY.
What about an Adult ADHD son/daughter and parents relationship???
I have one 26 year old who got diagnosed recently and started the first dose of medication and it is a roller coaster ride. I may have ADD which made it worse to start with I guess. Now it's going in a direction where I feel he has developed so many behavioral issues which are non reversible 😢😢
Btw at the end … it will still suck. There won’t be no difference and the cycle will indeed repeat.
Sounds like you just showed up looking for easy targets to pick on.
I think there is no teaching. Manners, respect, empathy could be taught at elementary,there just isn’t enough life teaching on how to behave with others.
Did you miss the part of the video where they went over the fact that ADHDers get over 20,000 more "negative messages" by age 12 than neurotypical kids, by chance?
Those negative messages are "teaching." They're "teaching" in a useless, self-indulgent way, but they're "teaching."
The laughing in response to the symptoms by the moderator Melissa was irritating. Some things are not funny. People have had the lives ruined by this affliction, not to mention, the soul crushing and unjust criticism they have had to endure. My guess is prisons are filled with them, and many out of prison are living as if they are in one.
When you ahve ADHD, sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurd situation your brain is in.
'promo sm' 😕