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I have had to accept the fact that things are different now and the social life I used to have when younger just isn't there anymore. People generally don't have get-togethers anymore, lunches, coffee meetings. I remember how I used to get invitations to people's homes but no more. I'm not comfortable initiating a friendship anymore but if I did have friends I would certainly try to recipicate so the other person isn't doing all the work. Being an elderly person it's not easy to have a social life unless one lives in a senior place. My mother lived in one when she was elderly and it was easier to have friends there. I would live in one but my situation isn't the same as hers was.

My best friend accused me of telling her ex husband something that she didn’t want him to know which wasn’t true. We didn’t speak for 10 years when she phoned and apologized. We got back together for four more years but things weren’t the same. She was always complaining about her husband, asking me to come visit or take her somewhere. She hadn’t driven for years. I finally quit answering the phone when she called because she’d talk for hours. Gradually I quit visiting her and talking. She didn’t understand I didn’t have the energy at 77 that we had in our 20’s -40’s to keep driving to visit or take her out. She texted me saying I was no fun anymore, selfish and a liar. This is how even lifetime friendships can end.

Don’t be a dummy, if it doesn’t feel good it’s not good

I’m basically shy and in the back of my mind I’m thinking “they don’t want to see me”. So I always wait for someone else to initiate and then I am very happy to be invited.

I moved to a new area, tried to meet other senior citizens. Had a dinner party, took a few of the women out for their birthdays never heard from them again. It’s disappointing but I am grateful to know they do not like me. They are not fake. I have two homes. One on a lake and looking to move from that lake to another the biggest lake in the state. I don’t dwell on the haters.

I think the pecking hen at your ankles, does so for multiple reason. Their own unhappiness - disappointment at life choice, failure, divorce, simmering anger, jealously (a massive one!), I could go on and on. But in short it’s not about you, it’s all about them. Personally I have zero time or tolerance for these negative, toxic people, life is way too short. 😊🇬🇧

I’ve been very guilty for far too long of being the instigator - always doing the lions share of making contact, and reaching out. Not anymore. My friendship group is diminishing with each passing year, but I REFUSE to waste my time and energy on people who simply don’t deserve my friendship. And I don’t care.

I was friends with a co-worker, we worked together for 7yrs, went out to eat etc. After the business shuttered I tried to keep the friendship going 🤷🏼‍♀️ she eventually stopped answering my calls or responding to any texts! I was disappointed but let it go. My daughter said don’t over think it Mom never know what issues others may have. Come to find out she did have some major issues & it had nothing to do with me.

What if that's your grown up child? They don't call unless you initiate

I am not an initiator, but I am spontaneous, if a friend calls to suggest getting together, I rarely say no and I will happily change a scheduled appointment to do something with a friend. I will drop everything if a friend needs immediate help. Some friends prefer to plan engagements well in advance, which isn’t my preference, I am more freewheeling.

Laura, you are very insightful. I have been very social in my 60s and 70s. But I have also moved away then returned to my home state. Things change. One of my dear friends recently died from cancer. So glad she and I were able to honor our friendship in her final year. Making new friends takes time and effort of joining groups.

There was a friend who once came to my aid when I was hit by a drunk driver and picked me up from the hospital. She even visited me after my hip surgery. But for some reason, after my 50th birthday, where we took a road trip, she stopped returning my phone calls. I was in the hospital again. Nothing. I called asking for help going to my post op appointment. Nothing. Before, I would always be the one calling to see if she was all right. But after spending a month in the hospital, and telling her so via email and phone messages. I'm done. I even saw her at British New Year. I didn't bother.

A lot of people are introverts. They need friendships, but they can live a long time by themselves. They appreciate friendships, but find it easier to be by themselves. That doesn’t mean they don’t want a relationship with you, it just means that they don’t need relationships as much as maybe others do.

About 3 or 4 years ago at the beginning of the year, I texted all my friends and family who I wanted more time with…my message was that I was committing to more in-person time and although not cutting out texting, trying to see people more. Got lots of positive responses! One who said she really preferred texting. Ok. The rest were on board. So what happened was almost nobody stepped up to initiate even though they were enthusiastic and would show up if invited. My husband and I are social and frequently have hosted parties and get togethers. He’s the most popular person I know. But he works at it, keeping in touch with his buddies. We’ve come to the understanding that we are leaders and most people wait to be called or invited. So we stopped expecting people to be more like us and just enjoy them the way they are.

Friend of 24 yrs. She's 57, I'm 68. Very close for yrs, even roommates for a short time. She married at 40, great guy. I stood up for her. Of course marriage changes how the friendship goes. We're both working, she has a hubby and a house to run so getting together got longer and longer apart. She retired last yr. I've not been invited to the house for tea/visit for a long time. We live 5 mins apart. She now is ill, not terminal but will need treatment. I've tried to be supportive on her terms. Two weeks ago I ran into her. I asked how things were going. The look on her face was pissed. Very short with me. I've not called, text or any FaceBook stuff. She's now posted a thing on F/B about "Let them" I'm done.

. i find some of my friends are always busy when i contact them and when they call i am always free . so it makes me feel maybe their lives are more important .

If you don't initiate, your "friend" won't call you? Time for new friends.

Sadly, I have recently realized that certain people from my past friendship that ever calls me. It's always me calling them. Thankfully, there are a small group of current friends, where we do reciprocate.

I think it's a matter of figuring out who is a friend and who is an acquaintance. When you're young you feel like you are friends with everyone but learn over the years that they are just acquaintances who don't want to be anything more than that. That's ok too.

You’d enjoy the beautiful Pacific Northwest too.

Thank you for the "girl talk" ❤

Such wisdom. Thank you for the stories. Soooo very helpful ❤

Some people are going through stuff and they don’t realize it’s been awhile since they’ve initiated anything, but oh my goodness. There are a few people who are lazy and like the idea of having a doormat who organizes things for them. It makes them feel like a VIP.

Let them and move on. Your life and time is too precious to waste.

Rd

In business it’s a strange a balance. There are people who are loyal and will pull you up as they move up the ladder. This has not happened to me but I have seen it happen to others.

I’m a hybrid. I reach out, but I go through busy periods where I stop reaching out. I try to be flexible when people reach out to me. It’s not always possible. I get really annoyed by people who get upset that I stop reaching out or who can’t understand sometimes I’m already committed. I like friends who aren’t so demanding. When we have time, we have a great time. Why does it have to be harder than that? Some of us have greater commitments to family life than others.

Sound too low.

I have never had " friends " it's a sad thing .

I have had 2 friends and both of the Ihem I called they never call me

Not surprised your married friends didn’t support you after your divorce. As a middle aged woman who has been single her whole life, I have always been excluded from dinner parties and social gatherings. Women still do not invite single women to their homes and parties. Sad but true. They are happy to do stuff one on one with me when they are bored or their couples friends are busy, but my only real friends have been other single women or gay men. Happily I know I am an amazingly loyal and fun friend so I recognize it’s them and not me. Their loss. Last thing I will say is that this is a very American issue as well. I am Mediterranean by background and in my home country friends are more loyal and social bonds are stronger.

My adult children knew my number when $$$,problems etc otherwise they don't know me

I'm only one reaching out .I call friends.

I am sad at some of the comments, because I feel like some of these comments miss the point of the speaker; however, we all have different opinions and experiences. I think the key is one thing she said: Are they happy to hear from you? I'm an initiator, so this was encouraging to me. I would say, though, that I am not comfortable making phone calls, but these days, many of us have access to text, Messenger, and email, and they are invaluable for me both for setting up get-togethers, as well as for just "chatting" now and then between get-togethers or instead of get-togethers, depending on what everyone is comfortable with.

Excellent points! Very refreshing!

Where did you purchase the gold wall sconces?

There's something very reassuring in listening to advice from mature women.

I retired 3 years ago after buying my first home (and retirement home). My friend from college whom I considered my best friend refused to visit me and my new place 3 times after I invited her (first time during Covid I understand). We live 30 minutes driving distance. I stopped reaching out since. She LINEd me before the holidays because one of our common friends would be back from TX for a visit. Unfortunately I’d be out of country during her visit so I told them so. I don’t feel bad that we don’t keep in touch because in my retirement park I see old ppl not having anyone visit them. We were born alone and will die alone. If my friends want to keep in touch I am grateful and will reciprocate but if I reach out and nothing, I let them go.

The older im getting im fine with myself ,this includes my adult children.

This is so true in my case. If I don't call I won't hear from them. My sister was one one of those that went down her phone book and always called everyone. When I asked her if any of them ever called her. She just looked at me and said it didn't matter! Too me it does matter. I want it to be reciprocated. If they don't call me I take they don't care.

I hear you…but no. I am not going to be the initiator of a relationship that is suppose to be mutual. To never initiate a call or text or gathering says to me that you are not interested. Surely, that same person initiates on other matters that are important to them so why are you not one of those matters. 🤔

I think you are right in that you train people how to treat you. My mother was the person who called everyone & initiated contact. Now that she’s gone a lot of those same people think I am that way too. I’m not. If I’m doing all of the initiating…as I’ve gotten older I have to fall back. A friendship takes effort on both parts!

I remember cleaning, for 3 days, and buying groceries. A friend, from out of state, was coming to visit. They were going to stay a couple of days. I was so excited for the visit. Upon arriving I was told they would be staying someplace else. That ended it.

*It's nice that this is finally being talked about!* 😊

If you become the mother of a disabled child, you can expect your "friends" to drop out of your life. You make new friends with other moms of disabled kids. Those that your thought were friends cannot understand the obligations and tremendous responsibilities you have and just fade away.

Ive said this a million times in my life - generally speaking- people in this era dont know the value of a good friend until they realize they dont have any. Im old school, ive always been a true blue friend. It was a real shocker n very painful 2 realize (when i was much younger) most people arent.

I used to be an initiator, but stopped. If I have 1 or 2 friends, I am doing really good.... as an older person, my friends are ALL more than 40 yrs in the making....... Newer friends seem to come and go.

Everything is better in the age of texting. Make your initiative by text. You won't be in the way of something they are doing, which often happened with phones. On phones they'd say they were getting back to you and then would forget, or "forget", you'd never know. So much better now.

This happened to me. Never bring a friend into a job you work at or really make close friends of those you work with. Same as relationships…shitting where you eat….just don’t do it. I did it one time and I not only lost the friendship, I realized what a jealous snake of a woman that she was, she wanted my job and almost succeeded in taking it.

I made some “mid-course corrections” in 2 very valuable & long-term friendships where I was the one making all of the effort or the friendships weren’t happening…stopped traveling to every family function of theirs bc they rarely, if ever, made the effort to come to mine. After 2 years of silence, they wondered where I was & asked “Where are you?” to which I responded “I don’t participate in one-way friendships.” They both know if they want the friendship to continue, they must put forth some sort of effort-and have.