At 70 I have shed friends that are too much for me. One drank too much and late phone calls are a no no. One just drifted off with no explanation. Others have been work friends but are now distant. I have felt better with fewer worries and wish them all the best. Thank you Laura I do so enjoy your kindly wisdom.
I am 69. My 2 children do not want to have children so I will not become a grandmother. Almost all women I know talk about their grandchildren and I often find that hurtful, so I am increasingly avoiding contact.
That’s a tough one, I’m in the same boat to an extent. My boys aren’t married yet but my daughter is and she and her husband don’t want children. I agree being around women who constantly talk about grandchildren wears me out(but the same for those who constantly talk about their aches and pains 🤦🏻♀️). I’ve found that meeting women with a shared interest or hobby works out better. We talk about the sport/hobby/interest more than anything else.
I actually went to.therapy to understand what was happening with the disconnection from my childhood friend. The point you make about values became apparent for me thru the pandemic. This friend and I communicate thru messages only now. Its grievous but establishing new boundaries as we age is necessary for my well being.
You are so right about boundaries. It’s amazing how we can be inched out of our comfort zone over time without even realizing it until something big happens. Covid caused a realignment for many relationships
I haven't watched the full video yet, but I'm really enjoying these videos on friendship. You're hitting the nail on the head with a lot of things I've experienced in recent years.
I don’t appreciate being “ bread crumbed “ and being cut off . This childhood friend just can’t be happy for me now that I am finally living comfortably. That’s okay. I was getting tired of the little digs. At 63, I am secure enough in who I am and so happy and grateful for all the good in my life!!❤
I’m 43 & find myself in this exact situation and I struggle to let go of old friends who are emotionally unavailable to me. It’s been a long hard few years with my husband being diagnosed with Cancer & finding out my children had been abused by a family member, a big move & homeschooling 4 children during covid. My friends all but abandoned me, because I was the “strong one” thee emotional support person in our friend group & it devastated me & I fell hard into depression with a ton of guilt. This video gives me so much hope with a side of anxiety.
Starting again is hard but I think the effort is worth it. Do the things you enjoy, or learn new things that have always interested you and that is where you will find more like minded people. Sometimes we need to start fresh. Good luck!
Oh…I can so relate. I have come to the point where I just don’t want to deal with that kind of friendship anymore. But…I get that it’s hard to shut it down sometimes. It all comes down to how much we want to overlook.
I’m 61 and widowed for 10 years. When younger, friends were my children’s friends parents. I prefer my own company mostly these days. I do have three or four friends to lunch or breakfast with but they don’t enjoy same things as me or they’re married. I go to movies and theater plays by myself these days. I enjoy music concerts with my son as he’s a musician. I don’t reach out to friends that I’ve out grown. If they reach out to me and it’s convenient I maybe meet up but for most part I end up regretting it.
I love that color on you. So pretty. I often think we make friends due to circumstances (you mentioned many) job, kids, neighbors etc and not because we share the same values or have anything in common other than those mentioned. Like a good marriage that stands the test of time, friendship has to have a healthy foundation to sit on. But, who knows? I've had 55 year friendship that fell apart due to political differences, but as I look back to the beginning, we never really had much in common anyway. The friendship lasted out of loyalty for the history and time spent knowing one another.
I don't feel the need to have a specific/formal end to a friendship. If one, or both, starts going in different directions (like maybe somebody moves) the friendship will probably start to fizzle out naturally. And that's okay. Just something we need to accept.
Love this. Thank you. I'm reminded of a 1980's movie, "Whales of August" . How these two sisters who were very different, kept at trying to love each other to the end of their lives. It's not something we all could do with friendships of any kind, or even be doing well at if we did try, but it's a heartwarming movie that my husband and I love watching together once a year especially as senior citizens, over the past decades. The movie's prominent characters are Vincent Price, Betty Davis, Lilian Gish, and Ann Sothern. I hope some of you reading this watch it and enjoy it on a rainy afternoon or a quiet evening at home. Relax and watch the relationships and how older people - who can't change- get along together. Whether it's a relationship they have to stay in, or feel they need to stay in, or are free to roam and fly away from. You get to choose who you want to be like. ❤ Each person may work harder at relationships or not want to for whatever reasons, it's up to us all. But this movie is one of our favorites because of the different personalities. ❤ And how it goes with these friendships is entertaining to watch.
Such great words of wisdom - as we get older I’m early 70’s I value friendships much more. Harder to make true friends later in life. Guess I’m too naive and trusting of others…Being more cautious now to avoid being disappointed.
I agree. My best friend has been there since 10th grade. We can not see each other for months and pick up right where we left off. She really is more of a sister to me then my own sisters are!
I’m 69 now and unfortunately for me most of the so called friends I did have were nothing but toxic mean girls, which reminds me of certain family members. I understand better now why my choices were bad. I went no contact and blocked 2 years ago and I haven’t made an effort to make new ones because after I discovered a few things I stopped going any further. I need to take care of and learn to fill my own void instead of trying to fill it even with pets. So I stand alone today as the song goes 👍👍I ended up blocking certain people from social media and if they truly understand my reasoning and privacy will be respected, if not then I’m still being stalked and harassed and I am.
Actually I feel like I often 'attract' people that lean too heavily on me.... And I don't need that. Not a facebooker......it's too.... I'm an introvert so I'm not as hungry I guess for company. That said, I can strike up a conversation with anyone anywhere so not lonely.
I find I need to have common interests - hiking, arts, pets, cooking, skiing, or tennis, before I let them connect with me. I realize I don't have the bandwidth to allow too many people in my life.
In hindsight, one of the first signs a friendship is pulling away is when they start sharing less and the communication becomes a bit too familiar, or a little disrespectful. Then there’s a clash of values and sometimes they backtrack and change their story! These are all signs to invest in other people asap! I think a lot of people don’t want to put energy into making new friends, so they hold onto what they know.
Also, a friend going from super authentic and positive to telling stories that don’t match up and being a little bit short with communication is a big red sign to take your energy off that “friend” and give it to new people until that friend turns back to their old self!
Yes you are right it is complicated. I think it's really important to hold on to our friends we've had since we were young. People come and go out of our lives but some people should be forever, especially those that knew us when we were young. Yes if people are mean and critical then don't keep them in your life but if they are genuine and nice it's worth the effort to keep them. 🥰💞👍🏻
My sister is 73 no children never married and has quite a nice little group of friends and it’s nice to see she enjoys all different activities and its do to those as she retired joining to pass time and it’s worked out well !Thanks Laura
Having less friends with years ( turning 70) I have decided to accommodate myself with how far I want to be with that friend.aA percentage of my level of me enjoying the friend. When it gets to 70 to 90 % of unsatisfied….. it’s time to let go.
Laura hello, I can see your a empathetic, deep person I love that! I'm the kinda gal that someone would want in a foxhole, protective, strong loyal, I have few close friends but tons of equantinces, my close friend and I decided to not talk politics, since we differ , I promised we wouldn't break up because of it, I am not warm and fuzzy but I'm loyal to the end, so much to talk about, just thank you Laura that's all😊
For all the talk of tolerance these days... there isn't much out there.. just the opposite... People never lectured people about dumping the "toxic" people in their lives... I think it's a lot of narcissim out there.. We always looked at friends as companions...someone to do things with..to talk to when you were up or down...today it's like friends are suppose to serve you and if they aren't doing it right get rid of them... I think people today overthink everything too much... As you get older and esp after you retire it's much harder to make friends so I wouldn't be throwing them away... it might get lonely...
I think we stick with old friends because of a very long history. But if you are hanging up the phone with a heavy heart- Nah!! I am taking care of me now. I give too much. Enough.
Many of us have been involved in those one way relationships Sometimes it works for us, sometimes it doesn’t. I often wonder if we train people by being the one who always reaches out? I wonder how much time they would let pass?
I am going through a complicated situation right now and wondering if this person really is a true friend. This past year she has been super busy planning her daughter's baby shower (that was June) and then the baby was born. We have not gotten together since May at this point. Prior to that I offered to help on two occasions put things together for the shower with her. In August I informed her that I would be having surgery and out of commission for about 3 months to walk really. Fast forward to September 05, I had an ATFL repair. I am on bedrest for 1 month not allowed to be weight bearing - tomorrow I can use a tall boot cam. I have never received a text, call, etc. since this surgery. She knew the date and long recovery in my text convo. I am reflecting and really feel that am I really that important? She is retired. My other good friend is a pharmacist at a hospital and works long hours and she has continued to check on me, brought food out etc. I dunno what to do at this point.
I’m so sorry. Maybe she is so absorbed with her own life changes that she can’t prioritize anyone else. Hopefully she will come around but I would pour my time and energy to other activities and people as soon as you can get around again. Good luck with your recovery. I’ve heard from so many women who were truly disappointed by women they thought were friends until they got sick. I don’t really understand it but it is epidemic
I would say she may be a friend, but not a good friend. I’m sorry this happened to you. I have been through something similar and was very surprised and disappointed. I readjusted my thoughts and expectations and carry on with a different kind of friendship now. I don’t even know if they have noticed.
@@crocadoodle7101 Seems like they're narcissistic at worst or simply are incapable or overwhelmed with things in their own lives to have the bandwidth... either way, a phone call or some type of connection is warranted. I've seen this happen to another friend who felt very betrayed and used even. Sad to see.
Merry Christmas Laura.
Thanks Jane! Merry Christmas
At 70 I have shed friends that are too much for me. One drank too much and late phone calls are a no no. One just drifted off with no explanation. Others have been work friends but are now distant. I have felt better with fewer worries and wish them all the best. Thank you Laura I do so enjoy your kindly wisdom.
There’s definitely an ebb and flow to it all. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I am 69. My 2 children do not want to have children so I will not become a grandmother. Almost all women I know talk about their grandchildren and I often find that hurtful, so I am increasingly avoiding contact.
That’s a tough one, I’m in the same boat to an extent. My boys aren’t married yet but my daughter is and she and her husband don’t want children. I agree being around women who constantly talk about grandchildren wears me out(but the same for those who constantly talk about their aches and pains 🤦🏻♀️). I’ve found that meeting women with a shared interest or hobby works out better. We talk about the sport/hobby/interest more than anything else.
I actually went to.therapy to understand what was happening with the disconnection from my childhood friend. The point you make about values became apparent for me thru the pandemic. This friend and I communicate thru messages only now. Its grievous but establishing new boundaries as we age is necessary for my well being.
You are so right about boundaries. It’s amazing how we can be inched out of our comfort zone over time without even realizing it until something big happens. Covid caused a realignment for many relationships
I haven't watched the full video yet, but I'm really enjoying these videos on friendship. You're hitting the nail on the head with a lot of things I've experienced in recent years.
I agree. She has some really good videos. I've enjoyed all I've seen of hers so far.
Thanks so much!!
I’m so glad they have been helpful!
I don’t appreciate being “ bread crumbed “ and being cut off . This childhood friend just can’t be happy for me now that I am finally living comfortably. That’s okay. I was getting tired of the little digs. At 63, I am secure enough in who I am and so happy and grateful for all the good in my life!!❤
Boundaries keep us mentally healthy for sure.
I’m 43 & find myself in this exact situation and I struggle to let go of old friends who are emotionally unavailable to me. It’s been a long hard few years with my husband being diagnosed with Cancer & finding out my children had been abused by a family member, a big move & homeschooling 4 children during covid. My friends all but abandoned me, because I was the “strong one” thee emotional support person in our friend group & it devastated me & I fell hard into depression with a ton of guilt. This video gives me so much hope with a side of anxiety.
Starting again is hard but I think the effort is worth it. Do the things you enjoy, or learn new things that have always interested you and that is where you will find more like minded people. Sometimes we need to start fresh. Good luck!
Oh…I can so relate. I have come to the point where I just don’t want to deal with that kind of friendship anymore. But…I get that it’s hard to shut it down sometimes. It all comes down to how much we want to overlook.
Exactly!!
I’m 61 and widowed for 10 years. When younger, friends were my children’s friends parents. I prefer my own company mostly these days. I do have three or four friends to lunch or breakfast with but they don’t enjoy same things as me or they’re married. I go to movies and theater plays by myself these days. I enjoy music concerts with my son as he’s a musician. I don’t reach out to friends that I’ve out grown. If they reach out to me and it’s convenient I maybe meet up but for most part I end up regretting it.
Thanks so much for sharing. How nice to have son who you can share a love of music with
I totally hear you!
I love that color on you. So pretty. I often think we make friends due to circumstances (you mentioned many) job, kids, neighbors etc and not because we share the same values or have anything in common other than those mentioned. Like a good marriage that stands the test of time, friendship has to have a healthy foundation to sit on. But, who knows? I've had 55 year friendship that fell apart due to political differences, but as I look back to the beginning, we never really had much in common anyway. The friendship lasted out of loyalty for the history and time spent knowing one another.
I’ve experienced something similar. I guess it’s never just about one thing. Thanks for the comment
I don't feel the need to have a specific/formal end to a friendship. If one, or both, starts going in different directions (like maybe somebody moves) the friendship will probably start to fizzle out naturally. And that's okay. Just something we need to accept.
Agree💯
Love this. Thank you.
I'm reminded of a 1980's movie, "Whales of August" .
How these two sisters who were very different, kept at trying to love each other to the end of their lives.
It's not something we all could do with friendships of any kind, or even be doing well at if we did try, but it's a heartwarming movie that my husband and I love watching together once a year especially as senior citizens, over the past decades.
The movie's prominent characters are Vincent Price, Betty Davis, Lilian Gish, and Ann Sothern. I hope some of you reading this watch it and enjoy it on a rainy afternoon or a quiet evening at home. Relax and watch the relationships and how older people - who can't change- get along together. Whether it's a relationship they have to stay in, or feel they need to stay in, or are free to roam and fly away from. You get to choose who you want to be like. ❤ Each person may work harder at relationships or not want to for whatever reasons, it's up to us all.
But this movie is one of our favorites because of the different personalities. ❤ And how it goes with these friendships is entertaining to watch.
Need to watch this movie, thanks for sharing
@@laurahillauthor You're very welcome.
Great movie! Filmed in Maine
For me way too long…all those points for me, just found your channel at the right time thanks ❤
You’re welcome 😊
Such great words of wisdom - as we get older I’m early 70’s I value friendships much more. Harder to make true friends later in life. Guess I’m too naive and trusting of others…Being more cautious now to avoid being disappointed.
I agree. My best friend has been there since 10th grade. We can not see each other for months and pick up right where we left off. She really is more of a sister to me then my own sisters are!
Thanks for commenting! I’m much more cautious now too
I’m 69 now and unfortunately for me most of the so called friends I did have were nothing but toxic mean girls, which reminds me of certain family members. I understand better now why my choices were bad. I went no contact and blocked 2 years ago and I haven’t made an effort to make new ones because after I discovered a few things I stopped going any further. I need to take care of and learn to fill my own void instead of trying to fill it even with pets. So I stand alone today as the song goes 👍👍I ended up blocking certain people from social media and if they truly understand my reasoning and privacy will be respected, if not then I’m still being stalked and harassed and I am.
Boundaries and standing up for yourself is so important. Hopefully others will respect that. Thanks for the comment!
Actually I feel like I often 'attract' people that lean too heavily on me....
And I don't need that.
Not a facebooker......it's too....
I'm an introvert so I'm not as hungry I guess for company.
That said, I can strike up a conversation with anyone anywhere so not lonely.
Thanks for the comment, I admire people who can easily strike up a conversation
@@laurahillauthor ♥️🇨🇦
I find I need to have common interests - hiking, arts, pets, cooking, skiing, or tennis, before I let them connect with me. I realize I don't have the bandwidth to allow too many people in my life.
Common interests are key! Such a good outlook
In hindsight, one of the first signs a friendship is pulling away is when they start sharing less and the communication becomes a bit too familiar, or a little disrespectful. Then there’s a clash of values and sometimes they backtrack and change their story! These are all signs to invest in other people asap! I think a lot of people don’t want to put energy into making new friends, so they hold onto what they know.
Agree💯
Also, a friend going from super authentic and positive to telling stories that don’t match up and being a little bit short with communication is a big red sign to take your energy off that “friend” and give it to new people until that friend turns back to their old self!
Yes you are right it is complicated. I think it's really important to hold on to our friends we've had since we were young. People come and go out of our lives but some people should be forever, especially those that knew us when we were young. Yes if people are mean and critical then don't keep them in your life but if they are genuine and nice it's worth the effort to keep them. 🥰💞👍🏻
It’s not always cut and dry! I agree with you
If you had that, that's great.
My sister is 73 no children never married and has quite a nice little group of friends and it’s nice to see she enjoys all different activities and its do to those as she retired joining to pass time and it’s worked out well !Thanks Laura
That is awesome! Thanks for sharing.
Having less friends with years ( turning 70) I have decided to accommodate myself with how far I want to be with that friend.aA percentage of my level of me enjoying the friend. When it gets to 70 to 90 % of unsatisfied….. it’s time to let go.
Good plan. There needs to be a cutoff line to maintain our sanity🤷🏻♀️
That’s a great point.
I was talking to my mom about this same thing
Hello Laura 😊😊😊😊😊😊
Laura hello, I can see your a empathetic, deep person I love that! I'm the kinda gal that someone would want in a foxhole, protective, strong loyal, I have few close friends but tons of equantinces, my close friend and I decided to not talk politics, since we differ , I promised we wouldn't break up because of it, I am not warm and fuzzy but I'm loyal to the end, so much to talk about, just thank you Laura that's all😊
Thanks so much for sharing !! No politics, good policy
For all the talk of tolerance these days... there isn't much out there.. just the opposite... People never lectured people about dumping the "toxic" people in their lives... I think it's a lot of narcissim out there.. We always looked at friends as companions...someone to do things with..to talk to when you were up or down...today it's like friends are suppose to serve you and if they aren't doing it right get rid of them... I think people today overthink everything too much... As you get older and esp after you retire it's much harder to make friends so I wouldn't be throwing them away... it might get lonely...
Well said!!
Agree💯
I think we stick with old friends because of a very long history. But if you are hanging up the phone with a heavy heart- Nah!! I am taking care of me now. I give too much. Enough.
Agree, 2 Timothy 3 ….is here
I agree. I believe in Jesus and life is what I can do for others. It’s not self focused on what only serves me.
Have been there ........😅
It seems if I want to connect with (whom I thought was a friend) I'm the one reaching out to the person. Otherwise I don't hear from them.
Many of us have been involved in those one way relationships Sometimes it works for us, sometimes it doesn’t. I often wonder if we train people by being the one who always reaches out? I wonder how much time they would let pass?
I think if you hang on too long, it generates disrespect.
That can definitely happen
I am going through a complicated situation right now and wondering if this person really is a true friend. This past year she has been super busy planning her daughter's baby shower (that was June) and then the baby was born. We have not gotten together since May at this point. Prior to that I offered to help on two occasions put things together for the shower with her. In August I informed her that I would be having surgery and out of commission for about 3 months to walk really. Fast forward to September 05, I had an ATFL repair. I am on bedrest for 1 month not allowed to be weight bearing - tomorrow I can use a tall boot cam. I have never received a text, call, etc. since this surgery. She knew the date and long recovery in my text convo. I am reflecting and really feel that am I really that important? She is retired. My other good friend is a pharmacist at a hospital and works long hours and she has continued to check on me, brought food out etc. I dunno what to do at this point.
if she cared about you she would contact you. no excuses.
I’m so sorry. Maybe she is so absorbed with her own life changes that she can’t prioritize anyone else. Hopefully she will come around but I would pour my time and energy to other activities and people as soon as you can get around again. Good luck with your recovery. I’ve heard from so many women who were truly disappointed by women they thought were friends until they got sick. I don’t really understand it but it is epidemic
I would say she may be a friend, but not a good friend. I’m sorry this happened to you. I have been through something similar and was very surprised and disappointed. I readjusted my thoughts and expectations and carry on with a different kind of friendship now. I don’t even know if they have noticed.
Some people aren’t good at being supportive during times of illness and recovery. Even family members surprisingly be absent and seemingly uncaring.
@@crocadoodle7101 Seems like they're narcissistic at worst or simply are incapable or overwhelmed with things in their own lives to have the bandwidth... either way, a phone call or some type of connection is warranted. I've seen this happen to another friend who felt very betrayed and used even. Sad to see.