1) Respect yourself and who you want to be. 2) Don't lower yourself to their standards 3. Don't be mean or try to get revenge - it's a waste of time and doesn't feel good in the long run and is not a boundary - it's just being a jerk. The best "revenge" is happiness, joy, kindness (within boundaries) and just simply enjoying life.
When considering an individual who has a narcissistic personality style, consider this- They Don't consider you. You are fodder. Supply. A means to THEIR ends. Know that. And know this- Where Love and Connection are concerned, THEY are permanently Disconnected. Like a perpetual "busy signal!" The line to Healthy is available and answers 24/7!! Stay Healthy!!
I wanted to give a huge hug to the person who asked the question about how to respond to the nonverbal glare. That’s what I routinely get, the glare, like he’s daring me to bite. If you asked that of anyone outside the group (which I have), they wouldn’t understand and they’d wonder what the big deal is. Thank you for putting it into words, Dr C
I really like your definition of forgiveness dr Carter ❤ it’s detachment from the abuser - it’s saying that they don’t owe us anything because they are in such a debt that it’s impossible for them to pay it off and we have to remove ourselves from their presence as a protective measure. Thank you for your Invaluable Hel and assistance dr Carter ❤
Love Dr Carter's words on forgiveness. For me, it means that I release any feelings of revenge or hate. I don't want bitterness. I can be free in forgiving, but I don't have to trust them, or be in their company, necessarily, or engage more than the minimum. I will stay mindful of what they are capable of, while releasing resentment against them. I don't have to stay and be disrespected, I will depart calmly and not stay where I'm not wanted. I also forgive myself for past poor responses of tolerating contempt, arguing and defending, and reacting emotionally. I am practicing self respect, self-compassion, self control and self care. Peace and wisdom to all.
Thank-you, Dr. Carter, for explaining boundaries. This ties into issues I also have with emotions as well. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and this comes with a barrel full of characteristics to understand. One of my most difficult issues for me has been learning to set boundaries and also recognizing emotions and what they mean because I repressed my emotions as a child for my own safety. I carried this into adulthood. The question asked about someone's feelings also helped me, too.
24:25 I don't like to differ with you Dr Carter but to me that question, at this point in time hit the bullseye. I've experienced this oftentimes but this is the first time I've had it articulated. I'd like to thank the person posing that question, and you for sharing your insights. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Feeling grateful.
Thank you so much for answering my question on your last live stream-it meant a lot to me! I have another question I hope you can help with. I'm going through a difficult time because I feel my husband is too hard on my son. My son's biological father passed away when he was 8, so my husband is the only father figure he has. However, I don’t feel he acts like one. He is very authoritarian and has a rigid set of rules about parenting without considering that kids are different. He came into my son’s life when my son was 4 and immediately felt entitled to decide everything about him. He’s controlling and strict, and I’ve always felt that something is missing in their relationship. Today, my son is 17, and my husband thinks I’m too lenient with him and not demanding enough. The issue is that my husband’s demands-like helping with chores or taking off shoes indoors-are reasonable. However, the way he enforces them, without showing care or interest in my son, feels almost like emotional abuse. Both my son and I feel my husband treats him as competition and a nuisance. My son, a conscientious and respectful boy who excels in school, is often criticized by my husband. For example, last week, my husband shouted at him for wearing shoes in the living room. My son calmly explained he was on his way out but had forgotten something. Instead of listening, my husband yelled about a lack of respect. We sought family counseling for years due to my son’s severe anxiety. Counselors liked my husband and assured us my son would appreciate his strictness and boundaries one day. Instead, he resents him deeply now. After watching your videos, I’ve started to wonder if my husband is a narcissist. But I feel overwhelmed with confusion and doubt, because if my husband is a narcissist and is abusive to my son, then why didn`t the family therapists see it? I’m unsure what to do. Advice like going “Grey Rock” is hard for a 17-year-old, especially since my husband holds the power as the “father.” He seems constantly unsatisfied with my son and acts like he wants me to take his side against him. Why? I feel unhappy and confused. My husband came into my life when I needed support, but now I feel I’ve let my son down and I feel trapped. ( From Denmark by the way☺️)
Trust your intuition. I found a list of safe vs unsafe behaviors helpful for clarification. Sorry you have a very difficult situation. The book, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft might also help. You and your son might find Dr C's video Calm Confidence helpful. Sounds as though your son is doing remarkably well, and your love, support and understanding will be wonderfully good for him.
Dr C 💚 I appreciate a lot your distinction between "technique" vs "mindset". Actually in my case it is a journey from "technique" to "mindset", due to (at least) two reasons: 1. my character and my cptsd symptoms 2. the very harsh situation with a malignant narcissist parent (with so many sociop traits, also overflowing sometimes towards psychop / this is my non-professional observation based on your webinar and on other professionals descriptions) + a highly disfunctional and enabler parent who has been manipulated, "hypnotized" and definitely terrified by the other parent for decades. [Note. In other "descriptions" they "simply" could be a sociopath + a vulnerable covert narcissist... Anyway, behaviors are behaviors, and abuses are abuses]. To face this... I started like "suddenly" with literally the "tecnique", and then step by step I went toward the mindset, while also planning the distancing, No Contact, etc. Sometimes, I still go back to the "mere technique" when their manipulations and triggering are so mean and insensitive and/or deliberate cruel... [ meaning, I cling to the technique because in a few seconds I find myself having to face my fight-flight-freeze response, and I wouldn't know what to do otherwise ] . At the end of the day... My definite mindset is this (let's say 90%) > > I have to keep in mind 24/7 that I'm dealing with a highly disturbed / mentally ill person who made quasi-ill and dehumanized another person (or at least she took him to edge of mental illness, after decades of abusive behavior). Moreover, as for myself and my own psychological situation, I've taken the WHO cptsd test (International Trauma Questionnaire) and ... Well, there's no doubt. I have cptsd. The good news is, I realized that if I had taken the test about one year ago, I would have scored higher... So, I am now on my recovery path in an effective way. [For the record, some years ago, both a psychologist and a psychiatrist made their diagnosis: they said I had "just anxiety" . To be precise, I took myself the decision to ask a psychiatrist because I felt very bad, also after many years of "talked" therapy. No way. I had the same response. For them, it was "just anxiety" 🙄 with no special or specific reasons 🥴 . So, the psychologist talked and the psychiatris gave benzodiazepine ] . Italy here, as you know. Very un-informed situation among mental health professionals in this specific field. I mean... we certainly have some great academics here and there, but the good putting into practice does not reach the patients/clients
Boundaries to me means that I respect myself enough to not allow anyone to force me to become someone that they want me to be. Narcissists don't really recognize boundaries. The boundaries are for me to never settle or stoop to their level Instead, always setting 'my own bar' higher.
I had a colleague who used to glare at me and refuse to engage. Management allowed her to get away with it. They took her side. She told all sorts of lies about me, for instance that I had taken something from her desk (it turned out to be the cleaner) or that I was deliberately trying to bump into her in an aggressive way. The lies people tell! Accused me of all sorts of things. When I questioned it, she said I was accusing her.
Twice a week sounds great, though I watch the next day I still like the lives as so authentic. Hope the unbound is as good. ✌️ Happy Xmas and new year to Dr c, fam and gussy 😊
I feel at a loss because I feel like they really sent the message that no one would understand their "messages" except me, aaaaaand they keep doing it infront of law enforcement and the military & I didn't understand why. Aaaand I think I'm going to take a time out from getting entangled altogether, because this is troubling trouble I want no part of making worse,I don't have all the facts, but they picked fights with others and it's not about me anymore, it hasn't been for easily over a decade.I don't think it ever was, not the real me, their version . Anyways. I'm trying to do damage control with people who literally stonewall when I try to communicate problems and solutions and I'm not a professional. So I'm literally going to do what you say, take all your advice, not do anything they passive aggressively suggest or demand because that's a never ending dangerous trap. Thanks Dr. Carter. Stay safe.
I’d really like to hear what your thoughts are around the commonalities and the longterm prospects for those who have been ‘covertly scapegoated’ from their family of origin (mostly) for refusing to continue enabling any (mostly unaddressed) intergenerational, prolonged, harmful & toxic behaviours within the family’s dynamics ? 🤔😗
Coincidentally, when I started watching this, my wife came over giggling and started trying to poke her hair up my nose. I stifled my reaction and went on trying to watch - or pretending to, at any rate - eventually telling her that I'm giving her the grey rock treatment. She burst put laughing, saying, "I'm going to have words with Carter about this!"
@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks. She's funny and we have a great time together. Life can still be wonderful, even if you've been on the receiving end of abusive people.
Sending you lots of smiles, Dr. C. You really ARE a safe person. Thank you for explaining about emotions. I'll try to practice this. (I really tend to think of psychology types as manipulators. You are not.) --Wishing you and yours the happiest of holidays. ♥ As an aside, have you reviewed any of the AI reviews that report AIs willingly lie? Very interesting (as well as frightening).
My interests did not matter to narc wasband. My schedules and requirements did not. Even important ones. Making me late for MY concerts. That I was performing in. Get into the car to go, then get out to "do something." One time I got out in a screaming upset, and found him CLEANING the #$%& cat box! Good lord.
Dr. Carter, can you speak on the feeling of “throwing your family members under the bus” when you stop keeping the family toxicity a secret. I value loyalty, but I have started to feel complicit to my own detriment by keeping the secrets.
Thank you. It is easy to set boundaries with sb from outside world like a friend. But if you have to stay sometimes bec a family members are visiting or you them and they all have I wd say different MIND PROBLEMS is another bay you just try to be kind and cooperative to avoid problems. Greetings from winter Poland.😊😊
Boundaries can also be very culturally determined. In some cultures it's ok to ask personal questions which in a Western culture would be considered rude. In other cultures it's ok to ask people how much they paid for this or that, what is your ethnicity, why aren't you married, why don't you have kids etc etc. Dr Carter would you consider doing a video on othering?
Thank you for your great videos! I'd really like to hear more about what I think may be called "Sadistic Narcissism" (?), where a narcissistic parent practices witchcraft, or some call it "white witchcraft," implying that it's for the good of others. I've found this is many times present in Catholic homes. No offense to those of us who were raised Catholic. It's just what I've noticed. Thank you again!
Awake and mindful please - Unfortunately, “Woke” is a movement that isn’t very woke once you get past the surface. 💕 u & your kind intentions. The US definitely needs all the healing blessings right now.
I misquoted today. “Honor to whom honor is due” was Apostle Paul (Romans 13:7), not Jesus. I know it isn’t easy to tie it to 5th Commandment, nor is it convenient. Commandments aren’t supposed to be easy. Or convenient. Finding a reason to honor isn’t endorsing ALL their behavior. All I’m saying is there is something in John 13:17. You’ll be blessed if you do it.
Here I am to explain. (Btw, as you will know, that same fact is reported by Mark and Matthew, too). I believe this > Jesus wasn’t rejecting his family at all, but he was definitely rejecting the wrong vision of "honoring family" that *some people* were offering him. He felt what those people meant with the statement they made. So he replied that way.
I watched a true crime show in which she holds a rabbit in her arms and pets it the whole time she's watching a person's murdered body burn. She's the one who killed the person and set him on fire several times. I thought she had no right to have that bunny. If she'll torture and kill 2 people, what won't she do?
Dr. C after creating some distance between my FIL and myself, every time were around one another he feels the need to physically touch me. He'll pinch my arm or grab my shoulder, is this his childish way of letting me know "your not getting away that easy"? He's raged on me in the past and verbally threatened me. I feel it's his way of satisfying some sick need he has to prove to himself that he can get to me regardless of what I do.
I couldn’t get past the first few minutes because of the grey rock comment. I understand this is directed towards some specific type of person, but it is the worst feeling in the world to be treated that way by someone you care about who actually did deeply hurt and betray you, for them to completely invalidate your feelings. The ass hole who did this to me got it from a counselor who has never met or heard of me aside from whatever light he may have painted me in. I just think our generation is lacking more in compassion and responsibility for how our actions affect others than the opposite and that modern psychology has done a lot of harm in this way.
1. Grey rocking.. How do you grey rock a grey rocker? I have noticed when people have grey rocked me and what I am finding out is that I don't want to be around them.. 2. Boundaries.. The way I look at this is like a fence or you could say a hula hoop.. What separates me from others and others from me.. 3. Animals.. My experience is that I had to watch really close.. The animals were there for their benefit.. Not the other way around.. This is something that I was very aware of a long long time ago.. 4. Insensitivities.. There is someone who lives in this complex who farmer blows over the rail on the fifth floor.. They have been aware of it for the whole 3.5 years that I have lived here because they have been fined for it.. There is a lot more that this person does but recently I have just started calling them Snotty.. 5. Negative talk.. To me those bad feelings are huge red flags.. 6. Honor parents.. I had that used on me too.. It was more about shifting the focus off of my parents and on to me.. There is a saying called "Detachment with love." 7. Bad mood.. That is a key sign.. I have been trying my whole life to people-please and it does not work.. 8. Judging.. There is a difference between judging and awareness.. 9. Forgiveness.. I like how Dr. Ramani gives us permission not to forgive people who have harmed us..
@@beacoleman5256 In my experience yes. I was a liability to my ex-husband twice when I got in the way of what he really wanted. Both times I didn't know what was going on until he was very active in his plans. It's an awful place to be. I ended the marriage after the second time he saw me as a liability.
IMO a boundary is an offer to others to cooperate with you on what your limits are on certain activities. I disagree with Dr Carter in that I think 'No, I wont cooperate with you' is setting a boundary - I'd say the issue is the person will act like they can be around you but also not cooperate with you. That doesn't work out. If they haven't figured out that that doesn't work out, then their EQ/wisdom is too low for them to realise that they have declared something that means you can't be around them. So, they'll be all caught by surprise when you don't be around them, but that's pretty much where that goes.
Hello Dr. C! My daughter’s father has been on substances very heavy for the past 5 years & I won’t allow him to see my 11 year old daughter until he gets clean. His mother told me that she won’t see her until he sees her however, she started to come around last year for Christmas & again this year. She’ll periodically ask her daughter to ask me if she can go on outings but I don’t trust her to keep her safe since we don’t have a custody agreement in place. There’s much more to this story in her temperament towards me but it’s too much to include. Am I wrong for trying to keep my child’s memory of her dad pure & out of possible harm’s way or am I simply being controlling as she thinks?
How do you say in english 'me quedé con ganas de decir'...? About honoring father and mother, I listen to mantras and chants, that in a nutshell are something like positive affirmations, to a power of ten; there is particulary one that is the chant of metta, the universal love, it specifically says something about we are not here to please families, its about the whole lot, and not a group, I have had a truly difficult family; pleasing people that speak illness constantly about every person with a different point of view is not sane... So honoring my parents would be dishonoring my grandparents... I choose to consider them sick, they have a sickness of the soul. And I will honor love instead. Thank you all, Dr. C., Team Healthy for giving me ground to stand on my feet again, finding people who understand this saved my mind
Laugh out loud everybody has different boundaries and not everybody likes a person‘s boundaries and sometimes I wonder how that actually looks in a home environment. do we say oh you’re going over my boundaries here oh, you’re doing it again you’re stepping out with the boundaries again because my feel for boundaries as far as making people respect them they just are not gonna do it. They feel so entitled not to respect one boundary testing other people noticing they don’t either.. now I have to be away from people completely until I literally get fixated on my boundaries. Sure, there’s no questioning or confusion about what will happen if they go over the boundaries. Seriously I just said leave and don’t come back.
Yes, instead of developing meaningful relationships, they are mostly transactional. If they are more introverted, it's highly likely they will be reticent to invest in solid friendships. If they are extroverted, they tend to be users who get what they want, then move on.
Maybe a lot of this is just because people don’t have manners or respect and they ride right over any type of manners are respect. It’s like delirious the way you have to think these days in order to just function correctly and that is why I’m alone..How about just try etiquette.
wake again 300 o clock am ame Portugal same person im tired sick the disgust psicolog around sexo facebook instagram cant talk my family because message same thanks dr
Laugh out loud everybody has different boundaries and not everybody likes a person‘s boundaries and sometimes I wonder how that actually looks in a home environment. do we say oh you’re going over my boundaries here oh, you’re doing it again you’re stepping out with the boundaries again because my feel for boundaries as far as making people respect them they just are not gonna do it. They feel so entitled not to respect one boundary testing other people noticing they don’t either.. now I have to be away from people completely until I literally get fixated on my boundaries. Sure, there’s no questioning or confusion about what will happen if they go over the boundaries. Seriously I just said leave and don’t come back.
1) Respect yourself and who you want to be. 2) Don't lower yourself to their standards 3. Don't be mean or try to get revenge - it's a waste of time and doesn't feel good in the long run and is not a boundary - it's just being a jerk. The best "revenge" is happiness, joy, kindness (within boundaries) and just simply enjoying life.
When considering an individual who has a narcissistic personality style, consider this- They Don't consider you. You are fodder. Supply. A means to THEIR ends. Know that. And know this- Where Love and Connection are concerned, THEY are permanently Disconnected. Like a perpetual "busy signal!"
The line to Healthy is available and answers 24/7!!
Stay Healthy!!
I love how you explained this.
I love this team ❤️
❤️
Team Healthy❤
Thank you 🌟🌼✨
I wanted to give a huge hug to the person who asked the question about how to respond to the nonverbal glare. That’s what I routinely get, the glare, like he’s daring me to bite. If you asked that of anyone outside the group (which I have), they wouldn’t understand and they’d wonder what the big deal is. Thank you for putting it into words, Dr C
That's why I like taking Q's from our viewers. You're not alone.
My mother has perfected the glare stare. I can even feel it down the phone line! What it always did was have me chasing, and fawning.
Gussie is a lucky boy with a good home. He deserves it too. 😚
That's the best explanation of forgiveness I've ever heard. Thank you, super helpful.
I agree. Thank you, Dr. C
Glad it was helpful!
I really like your definition of forgiveness dr Carter ❤ it’s detachment from the abuser - it’s saying that they don’t owe us anything because they are in such a debt that it’s impossible for them to pay it off and we have to remove ourselves from their presence as a protective measure. Thank you for your Invaluable Hel and assistance dr Carter ❤
Thanks Dr.C and Team Healthy ❤️
Grateful for taking time for our recovery many thanks😊
Love Dr Carter's words on forgiveness. For me, it means that I release any feelings of revenge or hate. I don't want bitterness. I can be free in forgiving, but I don't have to trust them, or be in their company, necessarily, or engage more than the minimum. I will stay mindful of what they are capable of, while releasing resentment against them. I don't have to stay and be disrespected, I will depart calmly and not stay where I'm not wanted. I also forgive myself for past poor responses of tolerating contempt, arguing and defending, and reacting emotionally. I am practicing self respect, self-compassion, self control and self care. Peace and wisdom to all.
I love how you are processing this, Michele.
Thank you Dr Carter 💖..
Hi Vicki Parsons 👋
Thank-you, Dr. Carter, for explaining boundaries. This ties into issues I also have with emotions as well. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and this comes with a barrel full of characteristics to understand. One of my most difficult issues for me has been learning to set boundaries and also recognizing emotions and what they mean because I repressed my emotions as a child for my own safety. I carried this into adulthood. The question asked about someone's feelings also helped me, too.
Seasons Blessings to you and family Doc.
Thanks, Patricia.
24:25 I don't like to differ with you Dr Carter but to me that question, at this point in time hit the bullseye.
I've experienced this oftentimes but this is the first time I've had it articulated. I'd like to thank the person posing that question, and you for sharing your insights. I feel like a weight has been lifted.
Feeling grateful.
Pleased!
You got to include Gus 🤗
My ex would follow me wherever and continue yelling when I asked for space
So glad to be rid of him
nooooo I missed it by one hour🤣 I keep trying to catch one of these😔
Thanks for the time and effort you have put into these. Have a good Christmas and best wishes for the new year.
Thanks, Mary. I enjoy doing it.
Dear Dr. C,
Thank you so much for answering my question on your last live stream-it meant a lot to me!
I have another question I hope you can help with. I'm going through a difficult time because I feel my husband is too hard on my son. My son's biological father passed away when he was 8, so my husband is the only father figure he has. However, I don’t feel he acts like one.
He is very authoritarian and has a rigid set of rules about parenting without considering that kids are different. He came into my son’s life when my son was 4 and immediately felt entitled to decide everything about him. He’s controlling and strict, and I’ve always felt that something is missing in their relationship.
Today, my son is 17, and my husband thinks I’m too lenient with him and not demanding enough.
The issue is that my husband’s demands-like helping with chores or taking off shoes indoors-are reasonable. However, the way he enforces them, without showing care or interest in my son, feels almost like emotional abuse. Both my son and I feel my husband treats him as competition and a nuisance.
My son, a conscientious and respectful boy who excels in school, is often criticized by my husband. For example, last week, my husband shouted at him for wearing shoes in the living room. My son calmly explained he was on his way out but had forgotten something. Instead of listening, my husband yelled about a lack of respect.
We sought family counseling for years due to my son’s severe anxiety. Counselors liked my husband and assured us my son would appreciate his strictness and boundaries one day. Instead, he resents him deeply now.
After watching your videos, I’ve started to wonder if my husband is a narcissist.
But I feel overwhelmed with confusion and doubt, because if my husband is a narcissist and is abusive to my son, then why didn`t the family therapists see it?
I’m unsure what to do. Advice like going “Grey Rock” is hard for a 17-year-old, especially since my husband holds the power as the “father.” He seems constantly unsatisfied with my son and acts like he wants me to take his side against him. Why?
I feel unhappy and confused. My husband came into my life when I needed support, but now I feel I’ve let my son down and I feel trapped. ( From Denmark by the way☺️)
Trust your intuition. I found a list of safe vs unsafe behaviors helpful for clarification. Sorry you have a very difficult situation. The book, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft might also help. You and your son might find Dr C's video Calm Confidence helpful.
Sounds as though your son is doing remarkably well, and your love, support and understanding will be wonderfully good for him.
Dr C 💚
I appreciate a lot your distinction between "technique" vs "mindset".
Actually in my case it is a journey from "technique" to "mindset", due to (at least) two reasons:
1. my character and my cptsd symptoms
2. the very harsh situation with a malignant narcissist parent (with so many sociop traits, also overflowing sometimes towards psychop / this is my non-professional observation based on your webinar and on other professionals descriptions)
+ a highly disfunctional and enabler parent who has been manipulated, "hypnotized" and definitely terrified by the other parent for decades.
[Note. In other "descriptions" they "simply" could be a sociopath + a vulnerable covert narcissist... Anyway, behaviors are behaviors, and abuses are abuses].
To face this... I started like "suddenly" with literally the "tecnique", and then step by step I went toward the mindset, while also planning the distancing, No Contact, etc.
Sometimes, I still go back to the "mere technique" when their manipulations and triggering are so mean and insensitive and/or deliberate cruel... [ meaning, I cling to the technique because in a few seconds I find myself having to face my fight-flight-freeze response, and I wouldn't know what to do otherwise ] .
At the end of the day... My definite mindset is this (let's say 90%)
> > I have to keep in mind 24/7 that I'm dealing with a highly disturbed / mentally ill person who made quasi-ill and dehumanized another person (or at least she took him to edge of mental illness, after decades of abusive behavior).
Moreover, as for myself and my own psychological situation, I've taken the WHO cptsd test (International Trauma Questionnaire) and ... Well, there's no doubt. I have cptsd. The good news is, I realized that if I had taken the test about one year ago, I would have scored higher... So, I am now on my recovery path in an effective way.
[For the record, some years ago, both a psychologist and a psychiatrist made their diagnosis: they said I had "just anxiety" . To be precise, I took myself the decision to ask a psychiatrist because I felt very bad, also after many years of "talked" therapy. No way. I had the same response. For them, it was "just anxiety" 🙄 with no special or specific reasons 🥴 . So, the psychologist talked and the psychiatris gave benzodiazepine ] .
Italy here, as you know.
Very un-informed situation among mental health professionals in this specific field.
I mean... we certainly have some great academics here and there, but the good putting into practice does not reach the patients/clients
I love your interpretation/ analogy of “forgiveness “. This makes so much sense. Thank you as always 😊
Glad it resonated!!
Hope you and the family have a lovely Christmas Dr C. Make sure Gus gets plenty of turkey 🐕
Will do! Gus cruises under the table to see where he can get scraps. He inevitably parks under my wife's chair.
Thank you
Looking forward to this new changes! 🙏
Me too!
Boundaries to me means that I respect myself enough to not allow anyone to force me to become someone that they want me to be. Narcissists don't really recognize boundaries. The boundaries are for me to never settle or stoop to their level Instead, always setting 'my own bar' higher.
Thank you so much for answering my question!
Thanks for sending it in. Glad you're on board...#TeamHealthy
Thank you for the life changing break-through, an enabler.
Thanks, Maureen.
I had a colleague who used to glare at me and refuse to engage. Management allowed her to get away with it. They took her side.
She told all sorts of lies about me, for instance that I had taken something from her desk (it turned out to be the cleaner) or that I was deliberately trying to bump into her in an aggressive way. The lies people tell!
Accused me of all sorts of things. When I questioned it, she said I was accusing her.
Can somebody who loves dogs be a narcissist? OH YES, THEY CAN!!!!
YES!!!!
Twice a week sounds great, though I watch the next day I still like the lives as so authentic. Hope the unbound is as good. ✌️ Happy Xmas and new year to Dr c, fam and gussy 😊
I feel at a loss because I feel like they really sent the message that no one would understand their "messages" except me, aaaaaand they keep doing it infront of law enforcement and the military & I didn't understand why. Aaaand I think I'm going to take a time out from getting entangled altogether, because this is troubling trouble I want no part of making worse,I don't have all the facts, but they picked fights with others and it's not about me anymore, it hasn't been for easily over a decade.I don't think it ever was, not the real me, their version . Anyways. I'm trying to do damage control with people who literally stonewall when I try to communicate problems and solutions and I'm not a professional. So I'm literally going to do what you say, take all your advice, not do anything they passive aggressively suggest or demand because that's a never ending dangerous trap. Thanks Dr. Carter. Stay safe.
It works for me; I feel your Pain!
I’d really like to hear what your thoughts are around the commonalities and the longterm prospects for those who have been ‘covertly scapegoated’ from their family of origin (mostly) for refusing to continue enabling any (mostly unaddressed) intergenerational, prolonged, harmful & toxic behaviours within the family’s dynamics ? 🤔😗
I just found today about the live!
Coincidentally, when I started watching this, my wife came over giggling and started trying to poke her hair up my nose. I stifled my reaction and went on trying to watch - or pretending to, at any rate - eventually telling her that I'm giving her the grey rock treatment.
She burst put laughing, saying, "I'm going to have words with Carter about this!"
I think I'd like your wife quite a bit! Thanks for your posts, Darryn.
@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks. She's funny and we have a great time together. Life can still be wonderful, even if you've been on the receiving end of abusive people.
Sending you lots of smiles, Dr. C. You really ARE a safe person. Thank you for explaining about emotions. I'll try to practice this. (I really tend to think of psychology types as manipulators. You are not.) --Wishing you and yours the happiest of holidays. ♥
As an aside, have you reviewed any of the AI reviews that report AIs willingly lie? Very interesting (as well as frightening).
My interests did not matter to narc wasband. My schedules and requirements did not. Even important ones. Making me late for MY concerts. That I was performing in. Get into the car to go, then get out to "do something." One time I got out in a screaming upset, and found him CLEANING the #$%& cat box!
Good lord.
Dr. Carter, can you speak on the feeling of “throwing your family members under the bus” when you stop keeping the family toxicity a secret. I value loyalty, but I have started to feel complicit to my own detriment by keeping the secrets.
Thank you. It is easy to set boundaries with sb from outside world like a friend. But if you have to stay sometimes bec a family members are visiting or you them and they all have I wd say different MIND PROBLEMS is another bay you just try to be kind and cooperative to avoid problems. Greetings from winter Poland.😊😊
Thanks, Iwona. Glad to be with you there in chilly Poland!
The Queen was more fond of her horses and corgis than her children.
Boundaries can also be very culturally determined. In some cultures it's ok to ask personal questions which in a Western culture would be considered rude. In other cultures it's ok to ask people how much they paid for this or that, what is your ethnicity, why aren't you married, why don't you have kids etc etc.
Dr Carter would you consider doing a video on othering?
The dogs are “fans” or “flying monkeys” of the narcissist.
My cats don't put up with my narc parents! They'll take treats but try for a stroke or a cuddle and blood is going to be shed lol!
Thank you for your great videos! I'd really like to hear more about what I think may be called "Sadistic Narcissism" (?), where a narcissistic parent practices witchcraft, or some call it "white witchcraft," implying that it's for the good of others. I've found this is many times present in Catholic homes. No offense to those of us who were raised Catholic. It's just what I've noticed. Thank you again!
🙏🙌thank you for your time and energy invested in this I am writing a book 📕 we need USA woke 🙏🙌🇺🇸
Awake and mindful please - Unfortunately, “Woke” is a movement that isn’t very woke once you get past the surface. 💕 u & your kind intentions. The US definitely needs all the healing blessings right now.
@@iAmAnimalMedicine Agreed.
I misquoted today. “Honor to whom honor is due” was Apostle Paul (Romans 13:7), not Jesus. I know it isn’t easy to tie it to 5th Commandment, nor is it convenient. Commandments aren’t supposed to be easy. Or convenient. Finding a reason to honor isn’t endorsing ALL their behavior. All I’m saying is there is something in John 13:17. You’ll be blessed if you do it.
Luke 8:19-21
Here I am to explain. (Btw, as you will know, that same fact is reported by Mark and Matthew, too).
I believe this >
Jesus wasn’t rejecting his family at all, but he was definitely rejecting the wrong vision of "honoring family" that *some people* were offering him. He felt what those people meant with the statement they made.
So he replied that way.
I watched a true crime show in which she holds a rabbit in her arms and pets it the whole time she's watching a person's murdered body burn. She's the one who killed the person and set him on fire several times. I thought she had no right to have that bunny.
If she'll torture and kill 2 people, what won't she do?
Hitler was fond of dogs. He was also a vegetarian (I say this as a vegetarian , a dog owner and animal lover)
Dr. C after creating some distance between my FIL and myself, every time were around one another he feels the need to physically touch me. He'll pinch my arm or grab my shoulder, is this his childish way of letting me know "your not getting away that easy"?
He's raged on me in the past and verbally threatened me. I feel it's his way of satisfying some sick need he has to prove to himself that he can get to me regardless of what I do.
What a b@st@rd.
Stay safe and healthy.❤
I couldn’t get past the first few minutes because of the grey rock comment. I understand this is directed towards some specific type of person, but it is the worst feeling in the world to be treated that way by someone you care about who actually did deeply hurt and betray you, for them to completely invalidate your feelings. The ass hole who did this to me got it from a counselor who has never met or heard of me aside from whatever light he may have painted me in. I just think our generation is lacking more in compassion and responsibility for how our actions affect others than the opposite and that modern psychology has done a lot of harm in this way.
1. Grey rocking.. How do you grey rock a grey rocker? I have noticed when people have grey rocked me and what I am finding out is that I don't want to be around them..
2. Boundaries.. The way I look at this is like a fence or you could say a hula hoop.. What separates me from others and others from me..
3. Animals.. My experience is that I had to watch really close.. The animals were there for their benefit.. Not the other way around.. This is something that I was very aware of a long long time ago..
4. Insensitivities.. There is someone who lives in this complex who farmer blows over the rail on the fifth floor.. They have been aware of it for the whole 3.5 years that I have lived here because they have been fined for it.. There is a lot more that this person does but recently I have just started calling them Snotty..
5. Negative talk.. To me those bad feelings are huge red flags..
6. Honor parents.. I had that used on me too.. It was more about shifting the focus off of my parents and on to me.. There is a saying called "Detachment with love."
7. Bad mood.. That is a key sign.. I have been trying my whole life to people-please and it does not work..
8. Judging.. There is a difference between judging and awareness..
9. Forgiveness.. I like how Dr. Ramani gives us permission not to forgive people who have harmed us..
Gus is the same age as my Lucky (also a rescue dog 🐕). I got him when he was three.
Lucky is a great name!
@SurvivingNarcissism He came with that name when I got him from the RSPCA so I kept it (Royal Society for the Protection of Animals)
Until the cat looks at them wrong and gets kicked.
Does a narcissist weigh relationships in terms of whether or not the person is a liability?
@@beacoleman5256 In my experience yes. I was a liability to my ex-husband twice when I got in the way of what he really wanted. Both times I didn't know what was going on until he was very active in his plans. It's an awful place to be. I ended the marriage after the second time he saw me as a liability.
IMO a boundary is an offer to others to cooperate with you on what your limits are on certain activities. I disagree with Dr Carter in that I think 'No, I wont cooperate with you' is setting a boundary - I'd say the issue is the person will act like they can be around you but also not cooperate with you. That doesn't work out. If they haven't figured out that that doesn't work out, then their EQ/wisdom is too low for them to realise that they have declared something that means you can't be around them. So, they'll be all caught by surprise when you don't be around them, but that's pretty much where that goes.
Hello Dr. C! My daughter’s father has been on substances very heavy for the past 5 years & I won’t allow him to see my 11 year old daughter until he gets clean. His mother told me that she won’t see her until he sees her however, she started to come around last year for Christmas & again this year. She’ll periodically ask her daughter to ask me if she can go on outings but I don’t trust her to keep her safe since we don’t have a custody agreement in place. There’s much more to this story in her temperament towards me but it’s too much to include. Am I wrong for trying to keep my child’s memory of her dad pure & out of possible harm’s way or am I simply being controlling as she thinks?
How do you say in english 'me quedé con ganas de decir'...?
About honoring father and mother, I listen to mantras and chants, that in a nutshell are something like positive affirmations, to a power of ten; there is particulary one that is the chant of metta, the universal love, it specifically says something about we are not here to please families, its about the whole lot, and not a group, I have had a truly difficult family; pleasing people that speak illness constantly about every person with a different point of view is not sane... So honoring my parents would be dishonoring my grandparents... I choose to consider them sick, they have a sickness of the soul. And I will honor love instead.
Thank you all, Dr. C., Team Healthy for giving me ground to stand on my feet again, finding people who understand this saved my mind
Such a healthy way of looking at this topic. Thanks for sharing this, Francisco!
Laugh out loud everybody has different boundaries and not everybody likes a person‘s boundaries and sometimes I wonder how that actually looks in a home environment. do we say oh you’re going over my boundaries here oh, you’re doing it again you’re stepping out with the boundaries again because my feel for boundaries as far as making people respect them they just are not gonna do it. They feel so entitled not to respect one boundary testing other people noticing they don’t either.. now I have to be away from people completely until I literally get fixated on my boundaries. Sure, there’s no questioning or confusion about what will happen if they go over the boundaries. Seriously I just said leave and don’t come back.
Another question: Is it common for male narcissists to have none or few male friends? Maybe because they feel the need to be the dominant one..?
Yes, instead of developing meaningful relationships, they are mostly transactional. If they are more introverted, it's highly likely they will be reticent to invest in solid friendships. If they are extroverted, they tend to be users who get what they want, then move on.
Then you can go gray Rock and they accuse you of being a poor communicator or worse mentally ill!
No offense, but who cares what the narcissist thinks. If you know you are on the right track, that's what matters.
@SurvivingNarcissism true, unless you are presented with a legal notice for court, or an employee assessment from a boss.
Maybe a lot of this is just because people don’t have manners or respect and they ride right over any type of manners are respect. It’s like delirious the way you have to think these days in order to just function correctly and that is why I’m alone..How about just try etiquette.
You make sense.
How do you best support someone who is going through tremendous narcissistic abuse?
Abused people need assurance they are normal. Their abuser has inevitably filled their minds with multiple insults
wake again 300 o clock am ame Portugal same person im tired sick the disgust psicolog around sexo facebook instagram cant talk my family because message same thanks dr
if you chant nam myo ho ren ge kyo your karma will be faded away you will be happy convert to nichirenshoshu
Laugh out loud everybody has different boundaries and not everybody likes a person‘s boundaries and sometimes I wonder how that actually looks in a home environment. do we say oh you’re going over my boundaries here oh, you’re doing it again you’re stepping out with the boundaries again because my feel for boundaries as far as making people respect them they just are not gonna do it. They feel so entitled not to respect one boundary testing other people noticing they don’t either.. now I have to be away from people completely until I literally get fixated on my boundaries. Sure, there’s no questioning or confusion about what will happen if they go over the boundaries. Seriously I just said leave and don’t come back.