These 4 things make YOU vulnerable to narcissists
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
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to all you younger people. listen to this Lady . oh how i wish i heard her words 50 years ago. she knows her stuff . learn who you are and Why you are that way . this is priceless information. thank you Doctor. you are truly helping a whole generation 👍🏼
Thank you for your kind words!
@@DoctorRamani they are all TRUE 😊
I think the😃Pakistan man is better called Bashir
Right on my friend!! Been married 31yrs, but his true 😈 came out 12 years ago. Never saw it coming,,,but there were signs, I just didn't know then what I now know. Thank you Dr. Ramani
Accuracy 💯 am listening her from Turkey.She is even touching lives of people in middle east
Everything good about you makes you vulnerable to a narcissist. Your empathy and kindness. Your happiness. Your money. Everything you don’t want to give up.
I really grateful of your work too, really helped me out of a very dark place after a horrible discard
This is spot on!
They want your soul too!
All shiny objects attract crows and parasites only choose the healthiest of hosts.
Bang on. They want all of the good stuff until they have bled you dry and there's nothing left to give. You end up being a mere shadow of yourself and have to start from scratch rebuilding yourself from the ground up if you are not able to see it and get out. Please reader if you are in a relationship and all of this hits home for you get the hell out. I stayed for 10 years and it almost entirely destroyed me. We had a child and he is using that fact to try to destroy me still - 8 years since I ended it. Save yourselves! 🙏❤️
"It can be soul destroying to keep forgiving a narcissist... Only to have them keep repeating their transgressions." Well put!
They never heal you they wound you
@@natashawiley Sadly they also rarely heal themselves!
@@natashawiley how true
Yup
Yes well put this story I lived over again 😃 to accept unwanted and ghost, it never defined my personality
Until this past year has been unbelievable unbelievable heartbreaking
Forgiving yourself for allowing others to mistreat you is the best gift you could have!
Quick Summary:
1. Wanting to be wanted
2. Being Forgiving
3. Empathic Reversal
4. Being Loyal
Wanting to be wanted was what. Messed me over for so long. After all, what mother wouldn’t want their kid? Mine, that’s who.
Thank you for summarizing
Thank you. I was looking to write it down myself. Going back to what we've watched and summing it up is really useful. It consolidates what we've just learned and useful for future reference.
Oops... long reply.
Love and peace
@@nmariejenkins2041you are not alone
THANK YOU!! you are my hero this morning.
My biggest mistake, I found him attractive despite him showing disgusting and unfit. I regarded him as more than myself. I adapted to his demands and expectations. I couldn’t believe the red flags, I couldn’t even know that I was trained since childhood to adapt and accept humiliation and manipulation. I grieve my life.
I feel your pain. And I'm so sorry you feel it too. 💔
Exactly the same for me! I greive that little girl who tried and tried to have love and acceptance. Being invisable and manipulated from childhood. The need to be seen and loved. Feeling like I was inconvenienting my family for existing!
You already admit your childhood to current reasons for falling for the narc. Now with your self awareness, get away from that person NO CONTACT. God will give you strength to do that and free you from this
A wise person told me:" forgive that person, but get the hell away from them so they can't do it again."
Forgiveness is about me.... not them!.
❤ and light ❤ ✨ 💛 💖
It's almost my whole family! I'm grateful for intimate relationships outside my immediate family.
My "soul 👪 " is so much more healthy from the family I was raised.
Love ❤ and light ❤ ✨ 💛
That is just letting go. Don't let people confuse you into changing the real meanings of words.
It was my narcissistic father's wise advice... works for me. Lol
Get the hell away from them and THEN forgive them in your own way and at your own pace. I’m not going to spend expend any more energy trying to forgive that person, if I honestly don’t think I should. Some things should not be forgiven.
Forgiveness is ideal and many times a path to healing, but I also think forgiving the narcissist is a path to more trauma. Forgiveness can be helpful, but it can also be very toxic.
@@derindasmith7449 I know your pain.
My Narc mother sat on her throne and triangulated her 5 kids and pitted us against each other. She'd sit back and say, "why do you kids fight so much"? She destroyed all the sibling relationships. We were treated as her servants to satisfy every whim that popped into her head. We all competed for her love and approval. It never happened and it was never enough! After 60yrs of mental manipulation I finally walked away and I'm finally FREE! Thank you Dr. R, you helped me see it all very clearly
welcome to the club, much of a same mirror for my upbringing. I kind of knew at about 7 years old that I was not part of the family and I was on my own to survive. Mom was special alright, dad let her do it. Siblings were ruined and the drama continues to this very day if I was to contact them, which I will never do again. divorced them all as family about 20 years ago, last efforts when mom died, but it sucked and I will never bother to do it again. Their kids pretty much suck too, so my family is gone to me, but I am sooo okay with that verses what it was before. I am free !!
My Mom did that too. But she treated my older sister as her little buddy and me as a servant.
My mother was exactly the same. And then of course I married one, and was loyal and empathic to him. Never heard anything about narcissism until I left my husband. Now my life makes sense, but do I ever wish I had known about this decades ago. What a different life I would have led!
My mother did the same except my brother was the golden child. Didn't learn all this until after she passed. I wish I knew this in my 20's or 30's I would of had a different life.
I have very similar story. I sought out counseling nearly a dozen times over two decades. I am nearly free but not quite there yet.
The biggest suspense in life is that, you don't know who's PRAYING and who's PLAYING with you!
👌👏👌👌
If you're _truly_ ready for a genuinely healthy relationship, another person idealizing or "obsessing" over you will come across as "needy." You'll feel it and see it miles away. Whatever you do, do NOT put yourself in a position where you're responsible for someone else's happiness. You'll never live up to their expectations and it all becomes an insatiable, toxic black hole that will eventually destroy you.
🙏🏽💯💣
Here's the effing story. Dr. Ramani, like many other TH-cam creators, deserves a Meritorious Service Award from the APA, TH-cam or someone more capable than I am as a graphic designer, for the way she illuminates the reality of living w/ a narcissist.
Despite years of therapy, until I found this channel, I possessed neither the language nor the basic conceptual framework to understand the debilitating dyad w/ a family member w/ whom I was trapped - a relationship that destroyed every part of my psyche.
Truly, until I stumbled onto my first video, I didn't possess the ability to understand my experience. Her videos transformed my understanding. For those who think TH-cam is a forum for medical grifters and nonsense, nothing could be further from the truth.
Dr. Ramani, I salute you for providing such illumination to a far greater number of people than you could ever have reached w/o this platform. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
AMEN TO THAT!! There aren't enough ways to thank her properly. She's so brainy but completely compassionate and involved. It's been difficult to acknowledge all the pain and emotional baggage and work a path through but Dr Ramani keeps me at it. So supportive ♥.
I know exactly how you feel! Dr. Ramani has clarified so much for me, too.
Narcissists are attracted to lonely people. You can be alone without feeling lonely or needy. Value you own company. It is better to be alone than with toxic people. Seek healthy relationships and ways to spend your time,
Some of us we're willing to eat lies, just because our hearts are hungry.
Excellent video Dr. Ramani. Exactly my case.
Thank you for being so helpful. (• ̮•)
Are hearts are hungry... Very good phrase. Says it all.
Exactly. Hate the ex-narc, but the loneliness sometimes makes me wish, even if only for a second, to have someone initimate with me. Even if it is her.
But on u tube a Mr Bashir is passionate about narcissism
That's good
Whoa that was powerful we’re willing to eat the lies just because our hearts are hungry not realizing it’s GMO cancer-causing food thank you for that quote so powerful thank you what a great community doctor R is great I like the fact that I feel safe enough to voice opinions here I haven’t been able to do that for a decade.
I'm older. My fly trap got filled up. Don't intend to open the door with being over- empathetic ... anymore. I think in the past, my empathy for the helpless ( or so I thought) was actually for myself in my childhood ( helpless and confused ). I'll still have empathy,
but adjusted with skepticism and an awareness of red flags. Balance is everything.
As someone who grew up with narcissistic parents, my mind was subconsciously wired to avoid people who are like them. My parents are the blueprint. Whenever I talk to narcissists (even before knowing that word to describe them), I get this gut feeling that makes me uneasy. Listening to it helped me not fall to any kind of love bombing. The moment I do that, that I become uninteresting to the narcissist, that I don't become their target, they will move on to their next victim. They will try so hard to tug on to your heartstrings to pity or be proud of them (depends of what kind of narcissist you're talking to) and it's honestly textbook behaviour.
I know that's not the case with many growing up in families with narcissistic parents and siblings, but I am the same as you. The minute I get that feeling I think, no, I already have a sister like that in my life, I don't need more of that. And you know how people say that women marry their dad? Not me, I steered clear of men with his personality type.
I think it's because I have a strong flight instinct. I was always the one to hide when my dad went into a rage.
The ones I know were very kind and doing things for other people. Talk about covert
Leeroy yes they all run off the same playbook and when I get around narcs,like you said I feel uneasy,especially all the questions they ask. Now I avoid narcs at all costs.
Leeroy that's awesome to hear that you trust your instincts and listen to your body. It is a very accurate warning system and I wish I'd learned to trust mine too. All the invalidation had knocked it out of me but I'm healing now and finally listen to my inner wisdom. More power to you! 💪
They are monsters can't love their children or anyone . They just use and abuse everyone
I mistook this ’desire’ for love.😢 It’s excruciating to unpick through the devastation a relationship with a narcissist leaves. In hindsight I left myself sooooo vulnerable, my boundaries where virtually none existent. NEVER, NEVER again!
Same here
Wow ! Girl. That was the most well put way that I have heard anyone put this garbage experience. Short, yet very powerful & right to the point from the first hook to the "unpicking", as you say, of the narc mess they left behind inside & outside of us. Just resonated with me. Blessings on your journey of "you" celebrating you....
I meant GH. Need new glasses
I feel the same way. Living with a nacassist for 52 years sent I was 12. And married he I'm at 14. I don't ever want a relationship with any person. I've been railroaded by family, friend's, my children, 😮until I'm just exhausted. The pass seven years have been a relief sense my Husbands death. I'm so thankful for Dr ramami
Same here!! It’s like they don’t give a crap about how you feel!! Going through this for over a year now. Trying to let go and I get sucked right back in!!!
This was me as I was so shy and insecure growing up, and had no dating experience, not knowing my worth and value, nor seen or heard by my family and wanting to be ‘normal’ and have a boyfriend. I also had close friends and family criticize me a lot, sometimes making fun of my looks, so I wanted to be attractive and wanted for sure. So the narcs I dated definitely played on this vulnerability. Thank you for this. A good reminder to be self aware. ❤
absolutely spot on. It's all down to our level of self worth who we attract. Sending love and luck to you ♥
Same here
Same here. You’re not alone.
❤
Exactly what happened to me 😑
There's no such thing as too good or bad for a narcissist.
If you give them supply- you give them supply. They don't care how or why it comes or came from.
Being starved for love and attention from parents is the perfect set up to attract anyone that will show you attention. My 2 sisters and I were all married 3 times. Yet my parents have yet to look in the mirror and just maybe think that our childhoods may have played a part. We were physically and emotionally abused Father abused physically and mother abused emotionally. I just divorced after 30 years of narcissistic mayhem. Never an apology for anything nor any change Hoovered me back more than once with promise of change. Parents still the same way. Never an apology for rudeness or hateful behavior. I don’t even bother with them much anymore. Nor my sisters as I was always made to “be the bigger person” with them also by my parents. Moved to another county and am healing slowly with counseling and time to reflect. Thank you Doc for all your help. You have taught me so much. My counselor listens to you now too. ❤
Ohhh this was done by my family starved of love and attention
Same thing here….what a loss of life for all of us..We are now 88,85 and me, 75 what a different life it would have been for us and even our children if narcissism was a known personality and not merely a Disney mean character !!! So thankful to Dr. R and others who have blazed a trail of knowledge for future generations!’❤
@@claireburkus8497 yes. And still adult siblings sadly ignore all this information
Being too empathic can make you vulnerable. You have a willingness to nit give up and to keep trying when you know they will never change, and somehow they know this. 🍒
I have, too often, described myself as "loyal to a fault." Looking back, in each business and personal relationship where I've said this of myself, I was taken advantage of by a narcissist discovered too late..
Time for me to learn self-empathy, self-love.
100% accurate. I say the same of myself. Loyal to a fault and no boundaries. I'm a people pleaser
yep..
They suck away every joy you ever had. They HAVE to have their way. If they don't, you'll see stubbornness like no other.
Thank you for addressing the issue of forgiveness. I find too many people are attaching a false religious requirement of unconditional forgiveness to everything. That in and of itself is abusive. I refuse to be a doormat.
Exactly.
Thanks for addressing this. My daughter lost all her church "friends" when she left her narc husband. Some churches treat you like divorce is the unforgivable sin.
Yes, so true.
Yea my parents are fundamentalist and my dad’s narcissistic and my moms like a child with that crap… she’s always talking about me having bitterness just for being upset with someone or something
Jesus spoke of forgiveness but also cautioned not to cast your pearls before swine. He said to forgive when the offender repents and asks for forgiveness ... I've never known a virulent narcissist to do either. It's a struggle and we're learning.
I left a spiritual community that overuse "forgiveness." It's harmful to recovering from toxic relationships. They don't understand toxic dynamics and they just don't want to see the reality.
Man this is soooo true. If I would have undrstood this decades ago, my life would have looked different.
I feel the same way but I’d like to believe that my life would have been so different. Way back then, I didn’t even know what a narcissist was.
Ah yes, 20 20 hindsight. Naw it may not have been all that different, in small ways but unless you healed yourself you would have made many of the same choices, education is the answer and it is hard to homeschool yourself..
Yes where was the algorithm then
Exactly eeexactly what I feel too.
It's learned behavior from the parents. I was, for instance, told that I was the source of my parents' problems. I was parentified. Constantly thinking of what they wanted or needed, in the hopes of getting the love I needed as a child. I realized when I left that theirs problems only got worse. So I understood I wasn't the issue as they lead me to believe. I'm on my own and will no longer get involved with someone who can't return what I offer. It's my life lesson. This is balance and peace.
I'm a therapist and survivor of narcissistic parenting growing up. I cannot commend Dr Ramani enough for these resources. It's a rare gift to hear such insights about forgiveness. It's a rare and refreshing perspective that I wholeheartedly agree with. Forgiveness so often curtails the ability to recover healthy anger and healing
This was soooooooo ME from my early teens to mid 30's!!! I bent over backwards to make myself "indispensable " to ppl. It was sooo exhausting and made me put up with some really crappy behavior in order to preserve my warped belief that I was "wanted & needed". Thankfully that is absolutely NOT the case anymore.
Yep yep yep 👍👍👍 live and learn God bless 🙏🙏🙏💓💓💓
Same, I'm 37 and I'm just sick of it.
This is so common for many and sadly the people who fall into it don’t see the personality behind the charm.. that eventually gets turned around.
Sooooo sooooo sooooo true true true the TRUTH 💯
I was young, naive, introverted and inexperienced, and I believed him when he claimed to love me. I couldn't get rid of him, and being young, was trapped by pregnancy. Then the games began. I was separated from my family, and tangled with his, far away. I'm out now, and I am delighted to be the b***h, and living my best life. Initially, I was afraid, but my life became much better. My mom told me the best revenge is living well. It's true.
Years of therapy i kept denying that my husband is narcissist and he is the cause of my suffering because i don't want to think bad about the person i love
This explains my behavior and how I got entangled with my first husband who was extremely abusive to myself and my son. Wish I was aware at that young age. Could have avoided so much pain.
The lovebombing then breadcrumbing is very addictive. But I only seem to see it once they start breadcrumbing. Detaching can feel excruciating. But I’ve done it every time in dating, but not in friendships. I was overly needy as a friend. Thinking their cruel judgements, jealous slander etc was protecting me, bc my parents did this 🤦🏾♀️
Our parents taught us very early on to put their needs before our own. They also taught us the adult - whoever that adult was - was always right, and we must respect them because they are adults.
The "lots of empathy out, no empathy in" is so true. Thought about that just today. Why don't I really love myself, show empathy to myself as I do to others? Yes I do feel it easier to give empathy, but I now want empathy back or even more I want to feel empathy for myself.
True charity begins at HOME ☺️☺️☺️
06:50 "They weren't even all that, but how into me they were is what turned my head." OOF. Yes to this! That really resonated! Thank you for this. I've had lots of lightbulb moments in the 8 years since leaving my narcissist, but that was a big one!
Enlightening. Spot on. This explains so much about my 25+ marriage to an extreme covert narcissist. I overlooked all the red flags because of my initial overwhelming desire to be wanted.
Same here. 25+years of hell…
I’m going on 22 years…😖…had him move out 1.5 years ago and he’s now alienating my 18 & 21 year old while trying to live bomb me back…emotionally bribing me now…let him back and I have a relationship with the kids…don’t let him back and the kids want nothing to do with me (because “I haven’t forgiven their apologetic dad”) 😭
Dr. Ramani I frequently come to tears while listening to you thank you so much for your time
Haha yes this is some of my family members, overvaluing ‘forgiving’ in terms of just letting the repeat offender continual abuse as they value being/looking like a ‘good forgiving person’ no matter the cost to them or me. Messed up. I’m told I’m a bad person because I don’t want to be close friends to the repeat abusers in my family who’ve repeatedly and unapologetically caused me serious harm and stress. It’s not ok. I’d rather keep my healthy boundaries for my well being. Thank you 🙏
Loyalty and empathetic reversal... how did it take almost 70 years to see this! Thank you! 🙏🏼😢
It’s no wonder I wanted to be wanted as my narcissistic mother repeatedly drilled into my head this: “I hate your guts and wish you had never been born”. It’s taken me a half a century to fully understand how that relationship set my life in motion as it did, placing myself into a 35 year relationship with monster narcissist.
I'm so sorry . My mother didn't verbally abuse me but, she was an alcoholic and never paid me any real attention. I remember once overhearing my dad telling her she was gonna go to my dance recital and out to eat and wait til after to drink. I reremember how painful that was to me at 14. Later I got into a marriage with a full blown sociopath.
I'm so sorry you had a mother who said those things to you! It makes me sick to know people like this have children, when there are people who would be wonderful parents are not able to conceive!
Same here. My mom tried to get me to stay in a abusive relationship because she said I'm too dramatic.
DOC. I OWE YOU MY LIFE. AND SO MY CHILDREN DO. LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
YOU ARE OUR HERO.💖💗
This is so so true, and hits home. Healing my inner child so SHE can feel so wanted, and not have that excess need to be desired. It makes it much easier to notice red flags now, AND those lovely, nice, comforting green flags. Those are starting to feel lovely too 💚
Thank you so much for all of your videos. I often hear you talk about when the narcissist wants to control who we see or where we go etc. In my case, my husband really never cared what I do and never has. Over the last 30 + years I have said repeatedly that “he’s the best husband ever because he lets me do whatever I want.” But now I realize he just didn’t want to do anything with me so I did everything with our 4 sons without their dad participating. Can you talk about this in one of your videos please.
My ex literally came to the house today to say, “I had a revelation. We should forgive each other.” I was speechless. I needed these words.
Yep, scapegoat of narc mother. She went to the end of the world to destroy me and another sibling out of the group of kids. I now know its because we called out the crap. My sibling lives under a bridge. We grew up in upper middle class, cushy life. Mom spent all the money on herself. We didn't have adequate clothing and went to friends homes in order to eat.
It was so horrifying, the violence and sexual abuse. My siblings pulled knives at 8, 9 years. It was a horrifying haunted house with people constantly screaming, crying, running away, begging for love, food anything. No one ever intervened despite the obvious outward signs.
The two men ive spent the last 13 years with are both narcissists - yet both men are different. The commonality is they are both just like my mother.
Wow! It’s amazing you have overcome that crazy making hellhole. I had some similar experiences with my mother but she’s covert and hid her worst behavior from others. I was the only one targeted because I was the only daughter. I remembered how she proudly would tell of my father spending their last $300 on a outfit for her. This was in the early 1960’s and she had 5 children. That’s probably so romantic for a narcissist, who knows! She tried to ruin me my whole life. I walked away with everyone believing I’m the awful one.
@@brigitte9999 that is awful yet I know exactly what’s that’s about as the only daughter and spending all the family money to make her look good. I recently went low to no contact. I’m sorry for you and the pain you’ve endured. Keep doing you. ❤❤❤❤
"No one ever intervened despite the obvious outward signs." THIS is the worst part. THIS is why it's so hard for victims & survivors to get help.
@a Sending best wishes for your healing
So glad you found DrRamini's you tube channel and you are a part of this amazing community
You have survived through some horrendous experiences !!
@@maevebutler4641
Through learning from you and a couple of other you tuber psychologists, I feel I have gained almost PHD level knowledge of narcissism. I wish I knew even a fraction of this information prior to my 30+ year marriage to a narcissist! He cheated while I'm fighting stage 4 cancer and I'm now divorcing him.One of my biggest concerns is falling into another narcissisticly abusive relationship. Logically I don't think that will happen because I am so much more aware of the characteristics now, but the flip side is what if I'm so on guard that I see red flags where there are none. I'm very guarded now. Decades of narcissistic abuse really does a number on a person.
What I am learning to help me navigate people is to pay close attention to how I am feeling, that feeling within myself, the gut feeling you get when interacting with someone. Pay particular attention to it especially with new relationships.
@@Monipenny1000❤yes that gut intuitive inner feeling ❤PAY ATTENTION TO THIS KNOWING FEELING!!!!!
@@Monipenny1000 👏💯 That actually never lies. It's the absolute key. I am smarter in this matter than I was when I was younger and more naive.
I hope you will get better and better.🙏🍀 Narcissists are themselves the cancer and poison, but ironically they made us ill- in any way, taking our life energy and consequences are both mental and physical problems. I pray for you to heal!🙏🍀
I can relate with how you feel about wishing I had known this--20 years ago. I'm sorry to hear about your cancer. You sound like you've got a lot of strength, and I hope the very best for you.
I feel like I’m working on correcting my ‘empathic reversal’ and it’s weird with the good kind people who don’t require it and give some care and empathy back. It’s like it’s foreign to me and I don’t quite know what to do with it or how not to be over giving and over caring. Learning to receive and not over give. And to be kind to myself. Thank you ❤
My childhood was horrible. It wasn't until 2022 I knew what a narcissist is. Growing up I got straight A's. It was the only moment my mom would act like I did anything right. I took excelled classes and graduated in top 20% of my class. Fast-forward 9 years post high school and I met my narcissist and married him 2 years later. I wasn't even attracted to him the 1st time I met him. He was over confident, funny, and He was so into me even to the point of stalking that I excused so much of the red flags because I had been single for 3 years and felt wanted that bad for my 1st time as an adult. I remember last year at this time. He had gaslighted me and said sorry. I told him I was tired of forgiving him. He said, but I said sorry. I asked oh because you said it, it's ok? He actually said yeah
Love means never having to say your sorry.....that was my narc for 33 years...
I’m same as you on the two main points! Near straight A’s, AP classes, only time I was the star and loved and seen in the whole family…2 times a year when report cards came out. The last ex, the very worst Narc I’ve been with, I had been single for 3 years and he comes rushing in adoring me and wanting to take me to lunch everyday. I was annoyed with him most of our first date, and mostly bored, and there were red flags… I still don’t quite understand how quickly he wrapped me around his finger…
My exact story, my narc husband was my first, I never dated. Everyday is hell with 3 very young kids in the mix too.
@@hadilayyad6147 deep compassion to you. I hope you find freedom. Read Steps to Freedom by Don Hennessy. It will give you some freedom in your mind. I tell everyone cover this book make it look like a notebook.
Take care.
Don Hennessy is a very clear advocate for women experiencing intimate partner abuse.
He said do not put too much thought into the label. But know 3 things. The abuse. 1. It is not your fault. 2. He knows exactly what he is doing. 3. His behaviour is beyond belief.
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Thank you for your compassion, I will look for this book ♥️
I believe forgiving is different from trusting them and doesn't prevent you from setting boundaries on their behavior. There should be consequences for their behavior. This type of forgiveness is just letting go of your plan to get revenge..it shouldn't keep you from protecting yourself as
much as possible.
Thank you very much Dr. Ramani. I recently ended three friendships with people I believe are narcissistic. Shortly after that I found your you Tube channel. It's been immensely helpful. Working out and learning to box as well as Kung Fu helps me physically and mentally. I strongly urge everyone to excercise. I've read that it has a direct and positive effect on the mind.
For myself I would say that I would change the phrase “wanting to be wanted” to “needing to be loved.” I never felt seen or accepted by my mother. It created a huge huge hole in me. Thanks to lots of therapy and other things that hole has gotten much smaller. Thank you so much for this one Dr. Ramani.
My mother defined me to her liking/storyline. The idea of me defining myself was never discussed. When I got older and started to individuate, I was disowned/thrown out of the house. So sad.
Best teaching presentation out there for looking at our empathic vulnerabilities. Thank you!❤
Thank you for talking about "forgiveness" Dr. Ramani. For my healing I learned to forgive bc I needed that weight of anger and resentment off my shoulders and out of my mind. It didn't mean I kept allowing the bad behavior, it meant I accepted that the person would continue being who/what they were but I did not have to be a part of them/it. Besides, I was never given an apology. The forgiveness was for me in letting go of the entitlement I felt he/she owed me because of the pain they inflicted upon me. So that those ppl were not still in my head. So that I didn't carry hate or bitterness around inside of me. TO ME, forgiveness is just letting go. I had a man tell me one time how he forgave his ex wife...... "I did forgive her.... she's still living".
Forgiveness is when you absolve people of their wrongdoings. Letting go of hurt feelings is not forgiveness. People lie when they say that these things are the same. It is an enablers lie.
Letting go is fine. Forgiveness must always be earned.
@@MeloraCarabas
One of the last things Jesus did while alive was to make sure He forgave the people who murdered Him: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” Luke 23:34.
@@SendItForward Yes and it is so hard to follow His example. But healing can come with forgiveness with God's grace. ❤
@@jennywrenn469 indeed. My God says if I don't forgive He won't forgive me and I know I NEEEEEEED forgiveness and His Grace and Mercy daily.
This reminds me of the book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. The tree gives all of itself piece by piece to the boy out of love and the desire to make him happy. The boy gives nothing in return, and at the end, the tree is left a little stump.
The desire to be desired....for me this translate to having a need to be needed. It translated into me feeling that I'm not lovable for who I am, but for what I do. Setting boundaries then becomes very difficult, because if I don't "do" I will not be loved
I'm like a magnet for narcissists. The only thing that's good about it is it's proof I'm empathic. Other than that, it's hell.
Devote yourself to becoming a "healed" empath. And whatever you do, do not EVER openly advertise as being one. EVER. Protect yourself. These days, just walking around with a smile and a positive attitude attracts narcs like moths to a porch light. Stay centered, positive and flexible but also VERY cautious.
@@supermarioisacat Thanks :) I’ll read more into healing as an empath.
I agree totally. Forgiveness used to be high on my list of how to heal. But with narcs it is not healthy, it is soul destroying. If you refuse to forgive, it may help you to walk away and move on and not look back, or attract others in the same pattern.
They also view forgiveness as owed to them, along with apologies. It is just what they believe is genuinely owed to them.
Yup, it was because he was so into me.
The difficult and important forgiveness is forgiving yourself. Cognitive dissonance - understanding why he is like that.
I was married to a narc for 35 miserable years. The mental and emotional abuse was worse than the physical abuse. He controlled my every move and was so manipulative. I'm also an introvert which worked great for him. Our eldest daughter is a narc also. I've been her victim for years, allowed it to see my grandkids, which wasn't often. I love them dearly but recently cut her off.
Well-done no choice you deserve better they are the loser stay strong God bless 💖💖💖👍👍👍
Linda Light, my heart goes out to you from a another person just like you in a bit of a different way. Narc mother & sister. Kept contact with Nsister to have access to my very cherished niece & nephew. Then occassionally text now to get pics of my 2 grand nephews & 1 grand niece. She has successfully kept me apart from everyone. I have never met my grands although I love them from afar with painful longing. Niece & nephew I lived & helped raised no longer return my texts or call. God knows what smear campaign was told about me ! My God ! They NEVER stop. blessings & i wish for your inner peace from my heart to yours. We are all kindred spirits here. Love Nancy
Thank you for your kind words Nanukie and kk. I'm sorry for what we victim's have to go through. The worst thing about it is, it's our loved ones that are doing it to us. It's so heartbreaking. But... chin up and move forward, right 👍
Praying for you, family issues are the hardest to heal from and to cut them off. Especially when children and grandchildren are involved, uuffff.. Stay strong pls!🙏
I follow Dr. Ramani since 2017. The more I listen to her, the more narcissistic behaviors I find in my ex from my last relationship.
I am in a situation now where I’ve been caring for my 90 year old, narcissistic, or at least borderline narcissistic mother. I was the black sheep, also the truth teller and the youngest. I’m very empathetic and my heart is breaking. Not only has my mother never admitted or apologized for how she hurt me so severely throughout my life, but now she is likely dying and I’m the only one here caring for her (while my other 4 siblings haven’t come to help), but my mom still calls / texts them to try and turn them against me, just so she can try and get sympathy and pity. Her husband passed away a few months ago and I’ve been taking care of her since. It’s maddening and I struggle with love, guilt, anger, etc. No matter what I do it isn’t enough and it’s obvious she’s rather her favorite child be here taking care of her. This whole situation is breaking my heart. People tell me to take care of myself tho I’m not quite sure how to do that!!
When you’ve been brainwashed as victims of narcissism have been, taking proper care of yourself feels criminal. Your siblings are taking advantage of you. You must be “cruel” in return. Send a text/email to them and your mother announcing that you will not be taking care any longer past a certain date. Remind them regularly that the date is approaching. Then adhere to it. The guilt you will feel will be unbearable. You will get through it
This really resonates with me! Having spent over 20 years attending Pentecostal Churches where there was a HUGE emphasis on forgiveness, I met so many narcissists who got away with abusing me and others.
Over the last 3 or so years I've stopped going to Church and set boundaries in my life and been so much happier and more peaceful!!
🤯 I’ve only just started to listen to this, and already, you have really opened my eyes to why I have been getting sucked in! As always, thank you, Dr. Ramani! Now I will listen to the rest of this.❤
Wish I was fully armed with this information when I met my now ex husband. I had to end it, if I stayed with him I may possibly have ended up in a mental hospital, It has now been 4 years and I feel so happy & free that I left him I also had kids with him and even the kids are striving, it warms my heart to see my kids bubbly & happy. Anyone reading this dont think that you have to stay with a narcissist because you have kids together. Make a plan and get out it will be worse for yourself & the kids if you stay. Since I became more clued up about narcissism I give no chances I had to get rid of or at least distance myself from many narcs & toxic people I knew. Even gave up a job because I was surrounded with them. Thank you DR Ramani your videos really helped when I was on my healing journey and still do now.🙂💪
Absolutely wonderful informative chat.... my mother in law attacked me for 34 years, been hard but, no more, have not seen her now for a year, I decided to walk. Never had this with anyone else.... feel free! Love your hair btw, you are brilliant! Thx again for this x
Cheaters cheaters cheaters liers stealers narcrrists rich poor one narcrrists
Hoes hars males females ines
Ones
I feel like this video may be the proverbial missing puzzle piece in my healing, and discernment, going forward. Brilliant, Dr. Ramani❣️ I am profoundly grateful.
My father said to me I wasn’t wanted the youngest of 5 and the 4th girl even said he wished I wasn’t born because I was a financial burden. I was running a marathon and I needed him to drop me off when he encountered barricades he dumped me off more than 2 miles from the starting line. I was doing a full marathon and it was starting soon so I had to run extra miles. He didn’t stay to watch or cheer on. I was given validation from my dear sweet mom who loved me extra to make up for him. 😢
OMG, this is how it all worked with my family of origin. Heartbreaking, but I had to finally walk away from them all at 60 to save my sanity! Its an insane dysfunctional cult. 😢🎉❤
Yes, true. I was Never wanted by my family and unbeknownst to me was smeared my entire life so no one valued me at all. I always felt it and was unsure until a few weeks ago when my brother confirmed it during an argument. One of my saddest days after losing my son to cancer a few years ago. I never got supported during that either
This is for the first time in my life when I heard forgiving narcissistic person is wrong. I have a narcissistic mother whom I kept forgiving because I wanted to do the right thing and, exactly as you say, things got so much worse, she kept lying and twisting things around so I was the bad one, and the more love I put into that relationship, the worse it got. Now I am going to go no contact, no matter what people say. And, to me, you are the most amazing therapist ever😊😊😊😊😊
Yes therapy is essential with the right therapist but (not fluffing) because of Dr R. And these videos I have a basic understanding of the situations in my life and did not just roll up in a ball and believe I was just a failure as a human being.
That's all I wanted to say. Thank you
Listening to this lady and not noticing the duping delight oozing out of every word.
We just blown a narc away at work. Few of us stood up to them. Thanks for the advice as a mainly empath I am proud to have not been drawn In
That line of soul-destroying is correct forgiving a narcissist can be soul-destroying
Morning everyone
They never say what they mean or mean what they say
Low self esteem plays a huge role as well.
Dr. Ramani, your videos + presence are so restorative! Thank you!
Reviving a feeling of COMING ALIVE !!! REBORN!!! BRAND NEW FEELING !!! DELIGHTFUL 😊
My sister is married to a Narc and it's so sad to watch. Identical start to their relationship to how you described. She works sooo hard to keep the family going and he barely works or contributes to around the house, and his ADHD takes the blame for his lack of productivity. But oohhhh, he can be "so jovial at times and can be fun to have around", and he'll do the odd nice thing here and there, and even apologize after hurting his family. My nieces say "he's always getting mad at her". I'm like WHAT in the hell could he be getting mad at her about!? She works herself to the BONE to keep that family afloat. My sis is the epitome of these 4 things mentioned in this video and I hope one day she wakes up before her husband works her to death. I need a freaking support group for myself to deal with the emotional toll the situation has on me and my family. So sad
You are a great brother to care , and notice, so much about your sister's plight. Wish my brothers could care even 1/4 of what you do.
I have to watch this video everyday. Thank you Doctor Ramani, you helping me save myself
I have had to do a deep dive into me
@ 72. Fearlessly. At 44 I did not know abt this & was dazzled by the narc. I so get what happened now
You said it all Dr R.
So proud of myself for looking back
I have to keep searching to discover the best parts of me.
He was so into me, I did excuse him.
I am healing everyday, this is my time.
No narc/addict , peace & sanity!
Totally embracing radical acceptance, being my best self with realistic expectations, and keeping my healthy boundaries regardless of others opinions, being fully aware of the continual unhealthy patterns with the narcissist. Lots of grief with it for sure. Focusing on seeing truths and being my authentic self regardless, and letting go of the unhealthy ‘loyalties’ that can damage me. Thank you 🙏 ❤
My mom was a narcissist, and unfortunately my sister was the scapegoat while also developing a narcissistic personality so I grew up feeling like I had to defend her while also protecting myself from her. And my mom would always come to me to be the one to forgive because I was "so much more mature", even though I was the youngest. And now I barely want to talk to her or see her, but most of my family thinks I'm being "mean" and I'm shutting her out. Its hard being in a family that constantly expects you to forgive.
I can definitely relate and I hope Dr Ramani does videos on this specific dynamic - where the scapegoat has narcissistic/perpetual victim tendencies as well. The scapegoat was one of my older siblings and I’m the empathetic truth teller and formerly people pleaser/peacekeeper and I constantly defended and tried to protect and help and advise the scapegoat and only later realized that that dynamic was also very damaging to me, intensified my codependent patterns and influenced me to attract other cowardly/emotionally manipulative people who had no intention of helping themselves
Narcissists are loyal, LOYAL TO CAUSING YOU PAIN....WARM HUGS ALL ....KEEP GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION...
I will never again let someone rush me into a relationship before I am ready!!!
the section on forgiveness really resonated with me. The ex would claim to regret his actions, and beg forgiveness. Once, I finally asked him why I should when he seemed to treat it like free pass and the well of forgiveness was running dry BOY did he turn up the gaslighting.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I needed to hear this. I've been binge watching your videos for a couple of months since dealing with toxic family members too much the latter part of the 2022. I was losing myself and my mind. I started watching your videos and made a phone call and got into therapy right away. I am starting to breathe again.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to stay with them. Be your own best friend. Value the good people out there. Take your time in knowing people. You are valuable. Know thyself. Surround yourself with healthy emotional available people. Don’t be afraid to be alone sometimes. Get help with the right therapist , love yourself, you deserve the best! Learn to say no. Don’t have to explain the why not. Validate yourself. It’s a process, be patient . 🙏♥️Doc Snipes on you tube.
Sorry, part 3 here :) Another thing to regarding what makes the empath vulnerable is the empath’s innermost desire to avoid hurting others. Everyone who wants to control your relationship will use this against you…they’ll test how far they can go, where your boundaries are by provoking you into being hurt but still acting nice…what makes this cruel is that the very strength of an empath lies in not wanting to do harm. We’re even taking pride in this, that we intentionally want to avoid hurting back. BUT. The miracle cure for this is when you are at the point when you can say, feel and determine that you’re okay with hurting them back. When this comes to you as dry as a boot, without the anger and hurt you could feel but at that moment of clarity you don’t - that is when you can stand up for it and start to respond to your sources of hurt accordingly, declaring that ‘ok I get that this is not what you want to experience, to hear from me, but you know what? I’ll still do this, still say this. Deal with it. ‘. That is when the narcs back off and seek for another victim to manipulate and control for the emotional sickfluid they leech out from them. Boundaries mean that your wounds are closing, you are healing, UNBOUNDING them. Most of the time they come bck nd try again, but if this is your permanent response (you can even declare to them that you used to refrain from hurting them but not anymore), so if this is your regular response, the new norm with you they either will cut the ties with you entirely, or play the submissive (don’t fall for it, they are elastic, still trying to seemingly cater to you but that’s just for keeping you close which you shouldn’t do anymore after setting the boundaries…).
Peace comes when you give these things to yourself.
I went no contact with my family over 6 years ago and the flies swarmed (great analogy!)...I had a steady stream of friends come in that feigned being empathic, and all the while I was being bled dry of every ounce of empathy until I burnt out completely and got derailed from my own goals. I used to drop everything for narc friends - not anymore. I struggle now with being kind and empathic :( . It's taken a part of me that was approachable and warm. But this particular wound is part of a new self. I'm happy with the few healthy friendships I do have. And I hope being truly discerning now (almost suspicious) will mean my boundaries are stronger. I was a 'lots out, none to myself'. I put myself first now....my happiness comes first and that isn't selfish. No more being a free counselling service to the wrong kind of connections - true friends go seek help and not burden friends with the heavy stuff - I tend to attract narcissistic types who would use me to solve all their problems but now I am depleted - that in itself acts as a protection now.
Somehow being a truth teller isn’t nearly as much fun as you describe…, but here I am. All that you said, all grieving all the time
Dr. Ramani, I owe you my entire life. Listening to your videos was the only reality check in my life. I was squashed between a narcissistic mother, selected a narcissistic husband and my daughter grew up to be just like them. I was devastated for years ..they were sucking life out of me, exploited me financially, emotionally, mentally and physically... I wasn't strong enough to push them all away. I played along their narrative because it felt safer.
Then two years ago, I got adrenal fatigue which was diagnosed as autoimmune disorder .. rashes in every inch from face to toe..
I pushed back and refused their abuse.. I called out their behaviours ...cut all supply
I just had to trust my own feelings and not listen to their manipulative words...being close to God helped a lot ..
I healed from the agonising allergies and now I live peaceful away from them
I still miss the illusions of a happy family sometimes and when I do ..I come to you ...here ...
Minute 11 is spot on! It took me many years to finally be comfortable with myself and not need others to compliment me. I realize finally where this comes from in my childhood, and I will leave anyone who shows red flags immediately now, no matter what.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your insight, always kindly and respectfully delivered, illuminates and supports understanding of one’s thought patterns and nuances of self-talk; be it self-harming or self-caring, while navigating safety within manipulative, controlling, careless, abusive relationships. Thank you for your ongoing, daily guidance toward the betterment of mental health for the public community. Your efforts are greatly appreciated.
I’m surrounded by them. It’s wild when you come to this realization. I’m a human magnet to them.
If it's your mom, it's THE hardest. So sad.
I recently did a 3 person cleanup in my life.... Necessary and liberating!