Anger and Complex Trauma - Part 9/11 - Characteristics of Abusers
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Why people become abusive, characteristics of an abuser. why people don't leave an abuser and guidelines for leaving an abuser.
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16:21 “No matter what you do, it’ll never be good enough.”
Nothing is more accurate.
it took me so long to learn this but one day I woke up so exhausted I realised no matter what I did to help my sister I realised I was giving from the well that had run out of water ..hope people learn earlier
than I did ,
Yes. It's like my ex had this as an inspirational quote in his bathroom and read it every single day lol this sums up his behaviors so well. It didn't matter what I did.. it wasn't every enough. I could spend all day cooking a 4 course meal, and at dinner, his one comment would be "the green beans are too salty" lol I'm so glad to be out of that tyranny. He was the definition of impossible.
With my ex husband, I realized that no matter how far down he pushed me it would never be enough. I had 3 little children and no place to go. In the end, when I stood my ground and I had had enough he quit slamming and choking me. I had to get out and I did. I was the strongest woman I knew but he still managed to abuse me. It's like how you eat an elephant... one piece at a time. These people are cowards. They don't want to go to jail. They don't want you to fight back. It could save your life. If anyone needs to hear this, just leave. Ask for help and get somewhere safe. Don't look back. God bless you 🙏🙏🙏
Yes.
I internalized that. I can believe it.
The series on CPTSD is simply a monumental work. Comprehensive, exhaustive, integrative, crystal clear presentation of a tremendously complex topic. This can save one years of painful fumbling through scattered shady materials and theories
Yep. Post this comment everywhere!
We all found Tim Fletchers education & help waayyyy to late in life!
Sooo true!!!!
Tim's Magnum Opus! ❤ Stunning!
I just found him today I wish I found him years ago! We are survivors !!
😂
All the narcissistic people that I know will never consider questioning their own behavior in any way because they are "perfect" in their own eyes.
Yes. This herein lies the problem. How can we work on a problem that doesn't exist in their eyes? They refuse to acknowledge it. It is crazy-making and a huge reason why I believe that narcissists are incapable of changing. You can't heal what you don't feel... you can't heal if you're lying to yourself.
So true 😮
I think..., they do not think that they are perfect. But like this man said...they are beyond selfish and do not care about you and what their behavior does to you. Selfcentered.
I think they have great shame very easy and will do everything to avoid feeling shame and because they are beyond selfish, they are able to go great lengths to avoid accountabilty and will go in great leghts to destroy you in the process. Again, because they are beyond selfish and do not care if you suffer great damage.
@@heide-raquelfuss5580The narcissists I know were told they were very special and the best, since birth, and do believe they are close to perfect.
@@heide-raquelfuss5580I agree! i dated a a narc who thinks she's a christian, but whenever i tried to hold her accountable for her sinful lifestyle & lawlessness, she would say & do anything & everything to get me away from that topic. It was foolish of me to have gotten into that relationship in the first place, but God was kind, and provided wise counsel, and gave me discernment whenever her masked slipped so i could see her for who she really was: a hypocrite who has been given over to a reprobate mind who rejected God decades ago. Even though her refusal at my attempts to witness to her were polite at first(I didn't know she was a narc at the time), she grew more aggressive with each passing attempt. 4mos. into the relationship, i couldn't ignore how much she loved her lawlessness any longer and finally left her. i knew if i had stayed with her, she would never change, and the abuse would only escalate. i'm grateful to God for also making this clear to me: If I chose to stay with her, He would also abandon me to my own sin like He did with her long ago, and i would eventually end up a reprobate like her. And after all the good things He has chosen to give me(healthy family relationships & friendships, good Biblical teaching, divine protection:physical, emotional, & spiritual to name a few out of countless blessings) Choosing to stay with her would be turning my back on Him and one of the worst acts of ingratitude I could not bring myself to commit against Him.
When I left her, i went through the entire range of emotions. But God provided wisdom, counsel & comfort to overcome & process my pain. He was good to me again🤯🤯 And i KNOW i do not deserve any of His kindness or His provision. Through it all, He gently humbled me, and nutured my gratitude. He alone deserves all the Glory for what He has done for me. What the enemy meant for destruction, God turned it to my Good!
There's also passive aggressive abuse. And gaslighting.
Almost trickier to deal with...
Definitely trickier
@@AnaAlmeida001 cunning........
And other disorders such as personality disorders-much of this rings true for those as well.
True
Came for the lecture, stayed for the sermon. I love it when creators mix in Christianity with their content
unpacking of the Gospel, is psychological education, but he is awesome!
Narcissists are ultimate scammers. Like online catfishing but face to face: con artists that present one face behind which hides the real person, lying in wait and initially emerging only now and then (oh, he/she's having a bad day) . But It grows worse with increasing gaslighting, deflecting, blaming , insulting, temper outbursts, ridicule both privately and publically, dismissiveness, arrogance , lack of compassion, cruelty, delighting in your distress, silent treatment and withholding love and affection and so much more...until YOU realise and accept that is who they really are and always were and they're not going to change no matter how much you try to appease them.
You will never be prioritised, you will always be a satellite catering to their needs and wants.
By then you are trauma bonded and you've lost yourself and don't know how to move forward.
It's similar to Stockholm syndrome.
Make a plan to leave and always stay safe.🙏
Regarding the last part of the video. My mother was an abusive narcissist. She read the bible every day, she pretented to be a perfect Christian on the outside, but behind closed doors she was manipulative, cruel, abusive and she certainly didnt treat others as she would like to be treated. As you mentioned, just because someone pretends to be a good Christian doesnt mean they actually practice good morals or values.
Yeah, a family member of mine too participated a lot in prayer sessions and singing god's praise, but she did not apply what god was teaching - to be kind etc. She was very proud of her skills of singing religious songs and the admiration she received but then she started putting down other people and criticizing them, publicly humiliating others in that area. In Hinduism, there was a demon who was a great devotee of god and sang His praises but god punished him for the sins he committed nonetheless. Eventually, the people who admired her because of her skills resented her because of jealousy and they thought she was a bad person. Last thing was not too difficult to convince because she frequently put down people she took for granted.
@@MissNanditareligious narcs are the absolute worst versions
That's because the Jezebel(NPD) spirit is a spirit that prevents sanctification. When people give their life to the Lord, the Holy Spirit trains that person in holiness. So if the person is spending time with God, the Holy Spirit will convict them of sin and lead the person to repentance. And as time goes by we look more and more like Jesus, bearing fruits of God's Spirit.
But if a narcissist refuses to be corrected and is unable to acknowledge their faults, they cannot grow in God. How ya gonna grow in God if you believe you're sinless?
Scripture says *"God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble."*
Narcissists cannot receive grace, grace is God given power to change. It's impossible to walk with Jesus when you're puffed up with pride.
@@4Mikes4Mindset4
Yep, 💯
@@tessw9744 Oh yes, as God do with pedophile priests, abusive nons,narcisistic fanatic religiuos parents, corrupt Vatican and so on...::" if at the end of your life you ask god to forgive you, you go to heaven..in the meanwhile you fantasy with jesus coming to resurrect the death""...That Christiany , as every religion, was made by very severe traumatizied folks, is a fact.( I don`t care about your answer, so don`t waist time doing it)
I left my narcissist on March 1, 2024. Finally got my own place after nearly 6 years. I had no contact with my family in 2019. As of March 2024, I have no narcissists in my life and I'm proud of myself. I'm 31 and I'm in EMDR therapy with a great psychologist. I'm studying again and finally have a career. The sky is the limit now! I feel free and content now! All glory to God, my father. When I say my dad, most people think of my worldly father, but I mean my dad in heaven.
I still have work to do, but I'll get through this by praying, healing, and consulting with my father about everything I do in this life. It's scary how accurate this content is. ❤
Go you good thing !! ❤🎉
This is what self esteem looks like, this is what a good life with self esteem and self regulation looks like.
I love this for you!
You go girl woo hoo, it's just to have the penny finally drop and then your jaw hits the floor - everything is clear like water and I want to send a shout-out to the mustard seed that I begged for. Lord, just a mustard seed will savee... All the Glory goes to our great, mysterious Heavenly Father, who loves us, He has a plan, with hope for us Amen
Work hard on NEVER GOING BACKWARDS!! Onward soldier! 🫡
careful. god our dad is def a narcissist if anyone.
@@colleenStephenson-x3thow are you certain of this persons gender. def been screwed over super hard by a woman narc. are ppl leaving narcissists always women? hell no !
Everyone should be taught this before relationships!
I’ve been saying recently why tf did school teach me about everything but MYSELF. I feel duped bc ik the only reason that’s the case is bc if I had a class to learn about myself Id be less pressured to shapeshift into what I’m expected to become, a cog in the capitalist system they got us all trapped in. I feel like they don’t want kids to know themself they don’t really want us to be free thinkers they want to sculpt the youth into more worker bees to work until they r 70.
For real! If I would've learned this in school, I'd be a totally different person today. And think of how many potential abusers could see this and change because they're ideas have been exposed. It would save so much heart ache.
But then how would society get the kids it needs? (I wish I was joking)
The reality is, knowing != doing and healing these internal issues is really, really hard. And takes time. Which historically (and maybe even now?) no one has.
Absolutely
@@TH-camhandlesaresillylmao
His explanation of what makes an abuser really hit home. I have never heard it worded so simply and accessibly. When a person values their need or want over love. Mind blowing.
Yes I fully agree, he explains it in such a simple relatable way it's brilliant!;
I left a violent dating relationship asap and ended up in a battered womens shelter where I was abused and shamed by the other survivors. I barely survived being stalked and killed by this crazy guy and I had no soft place to fall. We need more training and more options for women fleeing these people. I ended up eventually working as a resource specialist in the school district and with God's help rebuilt a healthy life.
Those emotions we go through when we leave is the stages of grieving. That person you thought they were and kept waiting for never existed therefore that nonexistent person is dead so we go through a process of grieving someone’s death.
Yes.
One Thought ...
Someone grieving, if he is inner dying, may has a chance before becoming a lost souls.
Sad story, because you can only make a good prayer for him, but not saving him, it's the work of our Creator who's the righteousness.
We all can imagine and understand:
And he was the first who loves us from beginning, the start of existent our life on earth.
This early insight gave me my trust into Life.
Be Love.
Be Peace.
Be the Light.
God bless you.
🕊️
Grieving what should have been and what was😢😢😢
@beatefuhrer9688 are you a born again believer in christ Jesus?
@@Heseesyou
Big Smile sharing with you.
Maybe.
It is the "Higher Self" within me, speaking through me in the name of Jesus Christ,
if you can understand it
that way.
I understand the Concept and the Principles of Truth behind it.
I often feel it as a sacred Flow.
Being fully aware of it.
A world without this maxim, the teaching that Jesus Christ imparted to us,
the "Christ Consciousness"
in ourselves causes it to be effective in our Reality through us, it actually is,
I wouldn't want to miss it, because otherwise our "World" would be hopelessly lost.
What else will we be able to orient ourselves by?
Our own "becoming conscious"
is a challenge to master,
and at the same time our best opportunity.
Consciousness will develop ever higher through us ...
Rising to Divine Co-creation.
This is how "Jesus Christ" works through us.
After all, we are the Living Temple of God, the only place where God really likes to work and can bring us to Life through this Living Love of His,
which we can feel physically and spiritually.
A silent voice ... Intuition.
It is not just a Thought.
Not easy to explain.
Not just the Holy Spirit.
We can act on it and bring Good into this World,
we can all create it together.
Create Human Dignity.
Truth is a cosmic Force,
Truth always serves Life.
We become the Divine Instrument with which Love can be victorious on Earth
and is realized.
A sacred Law.
The Intelligence of Life,
what a miracle we are
or may be.
Assuming Free Will!
This Law of Resonance is more powerful than we realize. I follow my Intuition.
We are Living Soul beings.
The New Man is born from the God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, that is the vividly "Heavenly Jerusalem" dwelling in us,
and at the same time it is a Rebirth of the Living Love, which we will then work through us if we want to represent it, and to the extent that we let it come alive in ourselves and thus unite it with our own Spirit,
this is exactly what we radiate again. We will live according to this, this Living Love Being.
Being Peace is a sacred Part of the Language of Love.
Imagine Peace.
Being Living Love.
You and me,
all animate beings ...
I hope I could answer your question. ;-)
We find all the Answers
within ourselves.
Are you ready to receive them?
Whoever opens up
~ can receive.
Trust your Life.
It is a Divine gift born of Love.
Yes.
That is the Truth.
God loves you.
Hug.
Beate
❤️
It’s also possible you never existed too.
You’re spot on, thank you. 🙏
Watch out for the overly charming, self-proclaimed “nice guy”. He can be…
-Love bombing to get you, followed by..
-Controlling
-Manipulative
-Deceitful
-Overly jealous ( while they are the actual cheater) 🚩
-Possessive
-Vindictive
-Reckless …
I wish this was taught at school. It would save lives. Literally.
THISSSSS with my old church and Pastor as his flying monkey 🤦♀️
She was the best friend I think I've ever had,
Now I think everything was just a lie
Wow 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
This needs to be taught in schools!!!!!
Please get a program on national television on this. I think it would change a lot of peoples lives. He was definitely going to bring me back from narcissistic trauma and help me rebuild my life.
part of the plan keep society sick, dis-eased, etc.
I am thinking about a good cartoon series to teach kids about how to be healthy about your needs and not trigger narcissists. The older folks may be gone already, but we need to save the kids. God please protect the kids 🙏🏼🤍
Such a brilliant idea! I agree 100%
It is pretty disturbing to hear such an accurate description of the behaviors of every abuser I have known in my life. It has been a lot of them, starting with my parents and siblings. I thought I was broken and tried to fix myself all my life. When I understood abuse better, I started setting boundaries and working on my healing. Finally, I found some peace. I hope you find peace too. ☮️❤️
nice death rune fam
I aspire to your self awareness.. Please pray for me.
@@torasacramento4905 There is a price, but it is worth doing the work. It is as simple as showing up. You got this.
No matter how bad you feel, it always gets better. Sometimes it takes years. That can feel like decades.@torasacramento4905
His sequence of stages of abuse is eerily accurate. It gives a lot of clarity, but also makes me feel stupid like I fell for an age-old scheme.
Why feel stupid? Undergirding all of this is an abuse of trust. To love is to trust. You can't have a loving relationship without it and that is the risk taken when starting a relationship and getting to know someone. The person being abused believes they are loved back, while the abuser prioritizes their needs. You just took a risk and it didn't work out because it was the wrong person.
It IS age-old, which means millions of people throughout time and across continents have been caught up in it. You're definitely not alone or stupid.
I used to feel like that, felt stupid that I fell for his mask, the ages old manipulation tactics, etc. Then I realized that I wasn't the only one. His other wife fell for it. So did all the counselors, custody evaluators, lawyers, neighbors, his family, etc. It's because they know when to turn on the charm and bs the right people at the right time. He even had MY family believing his lies. I finally asked my mom why the whole family was turning against me. She said well he said you did this and that, and I just stared at her, before finally saying mom! Are you serious? You know me better than anyone. Do you really think I would do such things? I could see the light bulb going off in her head, a sudden epiphany... then she realized that she had fallen for his charm and lies, too. At that moment, he lost all power over my family. So don't feel stupid. Many, many others before and after you have been tricked in the same way. You came to the table (relationship) with trust, honesty, true intentions, love, and morality. The other person came to the table with the intention and idea to trick you into believing in their mask. If such trickery didn't work time and time again over the thousands of years of human existence, they wouldn't be using the same old tricks over and over again. You and I are not the first, nor will we be the last people on earth to be tricked by such people. While it might be a tactic as old as the hills, it was a new experience for us, and we had no way of knowing what to look for. You wouldn't expect a kindergartener to know everything on the first day of school, so why expect yourself to be so all-knowing to know how to navigate a narcissist/abusive person? Especially when they're so very, very good at hiding their true selves.
Me too
Please don't beat yourself up. You were played. That's the simple fact. Learn from it and make sure to, stop, and think, before giving over your heart to someone new. If it doesn't feel right, don't waste your, time, love and energy on them. Take care.❤
My ex used to say that he hated himself. That is the turning point when I knew that is why he was abusive to those closest to him. It was very sad to experience. I had to end the relationship and move on.
My narc ex gf used to say she couldnt love anyone because she has no love for herself. Also several times i would text her and say that shes verbally abusing me, so her response was nobody should be abused and/or she'd say that i deserve better and that i should run.
I wish I had the strength to do the same, but I stayed for years until the abuse escalated because I thought there was no one else to support him and he deserved to feel some actual semblance of support and care, turns out your self worth rots and you begin to hate yourself, everything around you becomes warped, I lost my passion for life and my ability to focus on things like music and art very quickly, but I'm the happiest I've been in years now.
Same. In the end, he asked me how can he love anyone when he doesn't even love himself. He said he was full of self hatred & when that happened he didn't think about anyone else.
My parent was abusive and I had a traumatic childhood, but I don't go around being a dick to other people...
Yeah, that is normal though. People who are attached to their horrible parents tend to emulate them. Real hatred is going out of your way to never be like them at all.
As a child of a mother who left an abuser, I 100% agree leaving is better if you can. My stepmother remarried another abuser. I am not putting up with it. If my biological mom hadn’t left, I would probably think that bad treatment is normal and put up with it.
You are describing my wife to a T. She is verbally abusive and she puts me down all the time especially in front of my friends. We are going through marriage counseling. She has trauma she is not dealing with. I told if I stay she is going to deal with the trauma or I am gone.
Someone willing to fix their dysfunctions is a healthy move. It depends on the boundaries they crossed. Trusting God. We're all broken.
Nothing trumps love❤
Great way to define an abuser, when control is more important than love.
Sex, money, prestige, image (when how others see you is more important than YOU!)
Tim is a rock star. He is my gift from God!
Believe it or not it feels comfortable. You know you need to leave, but when they’re not being abusive you feel safe. I know it’s weird, but also if the person is so controlling that they won’t let you out of their sight you get Stockholm Syndrome. This was my experience during my marriage with my son’s father.
Trauma bonding 😢
@@Patsanford220 Exactly.
Yeah, you put it really well. This was my experience as well.
The power is yours!
It's called a Trauma Bond.
When children are involved, it makes it much more difficult to leave.
If only we had SUPPORT to leave
I’m being my own support. Built myself up for years and now I’m ready. Good luck.
Sometimes the support is a refuge. I found that okay.
There are support groups almost anywhere. Even if it's just a neighbor or coworker who's gone through divorce or similar situation.
amen
Be very careful if you're going to confide @knowmoresearch
3 minutes in and I can tell you this is 100% accurate. When I finally escaped my abusive parents, I fought so hard to overcome the shame, so that I would never be like my father. My 7 siblings, on the other hand, swung the other way. They had so much shame that they became abusers like my dad. I know this because first of all, I grew up with them, so I know their shame, but also because they talked about it in certain ways. Me, though... I faced the shame. I cried, I got angry about it, I accepted it as my past reality, I forgave myself (for not being perfect). I allowed myself to not be perfect, because nobody is perfect. It's the hardest battle anyone will ever fight, turning around and facing yourself in the mirror. But it's also the most liberating battle you'll ever win. Because once you can look at yourself in the mirror and find peace, come to terms with your life, past and present, become comfortable in your own skin - meaning I'm okay, I am who I am, if you don't like me, that's okay, because not everyone likes everyone else. It's difficult to explain all the deep work that has to be done, but once you do, it changes your life... anyway, this is very accurate.
👏
Good on you for doing the hard work ❤ this was an inspiring read and a good reminder that I’m not ‘just too sensitive’
I found out that my mother is a narcissist, then rushed to tell my siblings, who listened and ignored. I sounded crazy saying narcissistic mother, pointing out things she did to them that they always ignored. I'm the youngest son, they promised to support my studies, but ended up repeating everything my mother did; the perfectionism to make things right was evident. This drove me crazy to the point of waking up at 3:30 in the morning. The lack of money made me extremely disciplined to succeed in my studies; with every failure, I pointed out my mistakes. I discovered there's such a thing as a co-narcissist/codepency.
I'm still fighting for a good job, keeping my head steady is being difficult, but I'm close.
Question: how did you work through the shame? I've worked through some of it. Other parts of it are really difficult to work through?
Good on you, my man! I was in an abusive family, as well, and unfortunately for most of my life I was an abuser because I couldn’t face my shame. I’ve been doing the work for over 5 years now and I’m still struggling every so often. I finally cut my family off over a year ago and the progress just exponentially increased once I got away from their influence. But I still have a lot of demons to face. Lifetime trauma is hard to undo, I’m glad to know that you didn’t fall into this trap.
The one help I needed in escaping from living with a malevolent narcissist, was help in physical escape, i.e., money to leave and rent a new place to live. Nothing else helped - neither psychiatrists, counsellors, friends. I just needed to leave, with my children, but couldn't through lack of money.
This is where we are at as a family. Once my daughter told me her boyfriend took her phone and cut off access to money, I told her, get the kids from daycare and move in with us! She didn't want to be a 'burden or a bother'. I said you will not be! Please! She went back to him and now things are very bad. We can barely talk to her because he has so much locked down!
@@One-z6yI’m praying for you and your daughter, sending loving energy your way.
Same. I knew others like myself were and are going through the nightmare. I compare it to being in a “nazi camp” and I was the person (if I didn’t escape) somehow….would be in the “gas chamber” silenced w no regard and with a huge cover up. Sounds extreme ….doesn’t it. Sadly…that’s what came over me and gave me a whole new perspective for sooo many who faced their death at the hands of their abusers and the community around them pretending “they care and do nothing”
The movie, Sleeping with the enemy hits home along with Children Under the stairs, flowers in the attic. The abusers were not a significant other but a whole system of a nuclear family. Domestic violence against women didn’t classify this abuse as worthy to help me to get out in my very small town. Blows my mind. Literally.
Exactly, just this! And the people around are only saying leave! Why you are still there and start to bully....but where to go? They do not care and do not help you....exactly, money and house is the only thing that saves you asap
@@One-z6yBut you planted the seed.
I'm not healed but I'm okay today. I'm grateful for that..
The abuser doesn't just threaten the individual but also the children or other family members.
This. Pets too. Many people stay in abusive relationships because they can't take their pet(s) to the shelter with them.
@@RainingPouringSnoring How do we help people get their power back? Like when a woman is in a horrible relationship, can we demand she leave with us?
@@One-z6y You can't demand anyone to do anything. It is always better to reason with someone. However, when a person is in an abusive relationship, the stress level along with various responsibilities may make a decision difficult to make. FEAR is the driving emotion and the abuser uses it to their advantage. You won't get anywhere by demanding anything. They may be terrified of their abuser but they will also be afraid of the unknown and the chance of going from the frying pan into the fire. Tread lightly.
The cognitive dissonance is one of the hardest things to reconcile; integrating the nice, charming guy and the cold, calculated monster as the same person… rough.
Betrayal Trauma is real, is common and more people need to talk about this. Thankyou so much.
Excellent description of narcissists/abusers
Dear viewer. It may hurt to face these things. and it does. but you will come out the other end in better shape. ❤
Just so you know, my abuser didn't show the negative aspects until an argument. I didn't recognize the isolation or the smear campaigns because I was never told about it. The isolation was subtle as they leaned into hurt that was already there.
You don't know what you don't know .
Now you know better.
The smear campaigns are entirely public--basically the Duluth Model is one.
I state in extremely mentally abusive relationship because I had been in a physically abusive one plus childhood. I simply didn't recognize it. I believed I was being to sensative. There was yelling close in my face, usually if I was feeling good or happy and relaxed my response was to cry and then it was spun to see, you are sick and over reactive, you need therapy, quit living in the past, etc. I kept trying to change myself!
I really appreciate that the first half of this is from a secular perspective, so it stays relevant to those of us who aren't religious. Thank you for separating that out!
One gentle point to bring up: I don't think telling people who are in abusive relationships that they/we aren't strong enough to help them is a great idea. On hearing it, it just feels like a challenge. "If I'm strong enough, if I step up enough, I'll be able to help them." It could risk feeding into that abuse-victim mindset of 'If I am just good enough, I can fix them.' Whereas I think what you really wanted to say is that no matter how strong we are, staying in and of itself does not help them. It is the staying in the relationship, rather than our lack of strength, that enables the abuse, and if we want it to stop, we have to stop enabling it.
As a past survivor of relationship based violence, and now finding myself in a relationship with someone that, however well-meaning, is edging on emotional abuse, I had to talk myself down from that ledge already. I have already walked out, but now I have to stand my ground and stay gone, because going back without seeing real change is only encouraging the harmful behaviours.
Thank you so much for this video though. There is so much of value here. I've watched it through twice and I've made so many notes for myself, and I'm incredibly grateful for your putting this out into the world.
I have several degrees which I can do nothing with because I also have traumatic brain injury. I'm having to learn everything from the beginning. What I do remember is that I was severely abused as a child and that is still with me, although I've spent my lifetime healing. I'm 74 years old now. I know a great deal about complex PTSD and I just want to say that you make excellent points and you put them in such a way that they're easy to understand. No One needs complex ideas with complex PT SD and now that I'm relearning everything, you've helped me a lot to put things in perspective. I just want to thank you! Thank you so much for all that you've done.
You are right. I have listened to some channels which makes me sleepy. English is my second language but I can tell when people go talking around circles and with so many words that it's easy to get lost or bored and sleepy.
This is all so true. It does annoy me though, that in his examples of narcissistic behaviour, the narcissist is almost always referred to as a ‘he’. This definitely is not just a male issue!
Yeah, I think as years have gone by people respect men more on those aspects thst their is just as many abusive women....
@@wastedanalogues8991but there is a double standard here. You get your emotions downplayed. The abuse is downplayed. The women's sides are taken more or they frame it as what did you do to cause her to be this way?
It is GETTING BETTER, but this is unfortunately one thing that's not going to change overnight.
@DevoidVoid yeah I agree and people are starting to realize this a little bit more. I lve had male friends in horrible abusive relashionships with women, and it seems the more we talk about it like here, the more men are being validated and actually listened to. And the idea of physical strength in men, means they are just as tough mentally is being shattered finally.. I remind myself this when it comes to arguing with a man, women do seem to forget men actually feel alot , just like we do. I've seen alot in mental health thats made me sad, guys get displaced, replaced and blamed all the time..
I have no words to express my fealings,wasted my whole life with an abuser,now crying what i have done with my life
same, I did it to to protect others. The abuse will keep getting worse. They cannot see reality.
They can't.. usually if you try to tell a friend they usually say you're wrong..🙄
You learned an important lesson and you survived.
Now it’s time to thrive.
Like one person said: when you know better you do better.
You did what you could with the toolbox you had. Forgive yourself because you will be filled with cancer: shame and guilt. This type of cancer kills the soul.😮 Do your best starting today and ask for wisdom and discernment. 😊
Blessing. May the peace/healing of the Lord Jesus overcome all your pain and sadness.
Same here! Waisted the last 23 years.
29:55 - Respect and Stand up for yourself. (Others treat you as how you feel about yourself - "You are not so important" ). Worth it.
Pastor Tim's insights are extraordinary. Thank you for this psyche education made simple.
The more needs you have that trump love the more of a narcissist you are.... Abusers don't come showing you they're an abuser on day 1.
The problem I found with having consideration for the children was seeing what happened in other families when Dad was granted 50/50 custody and had no interest in caring for the children. They were neglected and abused worse without the other parent being there.
What about reactive abuse?
I was in a relationship where we both had shame and both became toxic. It brought out the worst parts I vowed never to be, and it was so hard to forgive myself.
I’m fairly certain that’s not exactly reactive abuse but honestly i have incorrectly used it this way before myself.
Reactive abuse is when abusers rile up strong emotion in a target then the abuser points and says look you are proving me right! Look how angry you are!
It’s not that we yell at them because they yell at us. Reactive abuse is a specific cycle.
Good on you for recognizing AND acknowledging what was going on. We always have this moment to choose to take a fork in the road, or a side trail
as life goals evolve.
@@Couscous77yes this! It's when theu argue or gaslight you and provoke you into a response/reaction with anger or physical violence or self defence and say you're the abusive one. That you're the violent one when you were reacting and defending yourself against their behaviours
@@Couscous77 Why are you telling someone they aren't right about their own lived experience???
Reactive abuse is 100% a thing. It's usually the result of dealing with so much, in a state of helplessness, you lash out in absolute horrible ways when you perceive that as the only possible way of getting through to someone who's abusive mentally and emotionally, the gaslighting drives you insane, you lose hair, stop eating, doubt yourself and your own reality that you never did before... You almost gain NPD traits from them and the relationship. It can take YEARS to recover from this behaviour aswell, so the lashing out physically is like a sick dog in the corner doing what it needs to to survive.
These very same people PLAY THE VICTIM once you do. They literally have the covert vulnerable narcissism playbook, turn all your friends against you and have a bunch of flying monkeys keep tabs on you.
I couldn't believe how much my ex fit this play book... So much of my life gone, reputation gone, my self esteem gone.
Reactive abuse is VERY COMMON in something like borderline personality Disorder.
I'm assuming even normal people can be this way aswell. (Codependents are technically what you would describe as dependent personality disorder in past DSM's I'm assuming, only reason I'm using normal there)
Tons of literature supports this.
Something like 70% of people with bpd had a violent altercation, broke someone's stuff, or were even arrested for assault in a one year period of being asked the question.
Hell men with BPD and traits, seem to solely be responsible for familicides... That's the ultimate form of reactive abuse imo
The gratitude I have to God for leading me here!
For years I have suffered with cptsd
But therapist and doctors don’t know
I’ve been healing for years however relapsed from another traumatic experience
I’ve never been so determined to turn everything around, on medication to help my mental whilst giving my life back to God rewriting my story
Thank You for this… I pray God keeps my soul mate whilst I heal
God has got you! It’s absolutely amazing how Christ can change everything when we truly seek Him with all our heart. 🤍
I've seen so many narcissist/abuse videos...this guy nailed it . Absolutely 💯 wow. Thank you. I left 2 years ago after 10 years and 5 kids. But wow. Wish I'd have seen this 10 years ago.
For me it's impossible to heal unless I understand what causes a narcissist to behave the way they do. I'm so thankfull for this superb explanation.
I then become resentful the same mercy & empathy are mot shown to me
This series is tremendous and I have recommended it to many people. However, I am disturbed that sexual abuse is attributed to sex drive. It has nothing to do with sex drive and everything to do with power, control, punishment, shame, domination, and humiliation.
That being said, thank you soooo much, Pastor Tim, for giving us this impressive body of work.
I don't think he's attributing sex abuse to sex drive, but to someone using their sex drive as a weapon because their sex drive "Trumps love".
You cannot be sexually abusive without a sex drive. You will end up using other abusive tactics if so.
Sex is allways number 1.
The rest is number 2.
The sex drive of men is dangerous high and they inflict at the same time horrors on you, to break you. To make you suffer and to make utter vulnerable and to the point of even killing you.
It is an explosive combination.
And utterly abusive, selfish to the core.
I have a degree in psychology/Christian counseling, and I was never presented with such information!!! It's information like this that helps people. This series is eye opening!!! Great job!!!
Thank you for this series Mr. Fletcher. I cannot begin to express the gratitude that I feel for your work on CPTSD/Shame & Abuse, and Co-dependency. I am 64 and would have given anything to have your knowledge when I first started going to counselors 47 years ago..."Better late than never", right? 🙏💔🌞Thank you. And God Bless you!
Omg, this is so true that I can't even believe someone can describe it all so 100% correct. Lived and suffered through all aspects of this living hell with my narcissist ex-partner. There's no more miserable life than what you get stuck in with these monsters.
Hallelujah you can pray at anytime and anywhere walking down the street before an stressful situation at home in your closet under a tree outside in your backyard at home in bed just pray.
This fellows videos are invaluable.❤
In all my nearly 3 decades on this earth and time in church and bible camp, I never learned how to properly pray until today. Thank you 🙏🏽 Pastor Tim
The proper way is the way each one of us pray. No magic from anyone else. It's how we pray. Pray everyday just not when you need something. We must talk to God everyday which is praying. Prayers
This one hurts the most but I need to focus on it and learn from it.
My life for 24 yrs. I have had much therapy & no one has ever touched on these topics in this way. I was married to a narc/addict. Many relapse/recovery. I finally worked on myself & found the bare minimum was not enough anymore. His last relapse was so demoralizing with steroids gym adoration gay porn . 1-1-24 I discarded & my new journey is a blessing in so many ways
Grateful for on going education ty
Very similar. Married 17 yrs, separated for 4 with 2 kids. Same, steroids, drugs and sleeping with men I recently found out. The difference is he took his life this Dec.
@@Monalisa0622 the content in these videos is most helpful . I recognize the pain you have felt. May you have peace & continue your growth on your journey.
Why do you think they turned gay or had gay sex?
@Snow-wz6eu
Alot of addicts are Narcissists, but the gender disparity is like 50/50 basically. Women are just as bad as men.
Congratulations ladies, you dismantled the patriarchy by becoming the domineering, immoral and sadistic people you hate. 🖤
Wow!!! I have never been able to articulate this desire or instinct I have had to HIDE my own shame/embarrassment! I have felt such intense guilt because I felt so drawn to it, yet HATED just the thought of feeling it. So afraid that I desired to be like those who hurt me. Such intense guilt for even feeling or thinking these things! I could never understand WHY I felt that way and then when my husband humiliated me by cheating and lying about it for years I simply died inside. That is how it has felt, I was trapped by these emotions, I could never escape because the enemy was now INSIDE of me. One that I could never allow to escape yet tortured me constantly. There was no way out. Until I began to listen to these. This is probably the 100th time I have listened now and I can not even begin to describe the peace and joy that has re entered my soul simply from understanding my own thoughts and feelings. I can release my guilt for these emotions. I can love myself despite my weaknesses. How did I receive 8 YEARS of trauma counseling and have NEVER have even come close to this peace of understanding?
Because he didn't want your money? Sometimes we hide and let shame be our God. Shame has dictated so many decisions in my life and it has tried to turn me into a narcissist. The only way out for me is to tell others about the things that shame me. It is scary but an adventure you have been seeking your entire life. Now that the person is out of your life, there will be a void. Do you have a void from the husband that you got away from? You should, I hope you understand that you need to feel the void that is there from the missing person and take with you the good parts that your ex filled. I have started to pretend I am no longer married to my wife and what it will take to be without her. I bawled like a baby in the shower just a minute ago. But the key is to not go back to the ex, but to feel the pain and to feel gratitude towards God that you are thankful for the support he was and keep that with you forever.
I don’t know the answer to that last question but I am so gladdened to know that you’re experiencing peace and resolution 💜
Wow. this man is a genius.
I recognize that I can become emotionally abusive if triggered by things I say or write. Am working very hard to become aware of things that trigger me so that I can learn to be stable in my reactions…I am healing, step by step. You are helping me. Thank you. Do have appt with Intake.
Lightbulb moment - when causing the pain and calling it love. This totally explains my confusion
Please don’t stay for the kids. My kids in their 20’s are still dealing with the fallout of covert abuse we all endured.
I understand that. I tried to make that work, but it only got worse. And now my 3-year old son is with his abusive mother and I can’t even save him from there
Same.
Court system doesn’t protect the children. They still deal with it and I can’t do anything about it.
Love your content. Particularly pointing out people stay with abusers have the same shame. Very frustrating listening to people who are or have been abused point the finger at the abuser.
One of the best portrayals of prayer I ever saw depicted was on The West Wing. The President has just lost one of his helpers to a stupid auto accident, and after the funeral, spends time alone in the cathedral having a completely honest and totally angry talk with God. He isn't afraid of cussing God out in Latin, because he is sure that this is part of the relationship. If anybody can handle it, God can.
Excellent presentation .. I didn't see it coming. Shame from being disrespected as a child. Very helpful
Mine took 6 years to unmask…I can see warning signs now, but it was like a frog in a pan and the heat was turning up before..
That's such a true analogy
Mine took 10 years to unmask; I feel for us.
@@lauraagerlach2864, I am sorry you have had to face it as well. You ARE worthy of Love, compassion, tenderness…I’m praying for you and you heart and mind…❤️🩹
OMG! I’ve said the same thing - it’s like boiling a frog. Six years for me, too. Narcissistic behavior associated with AUD. Fortunately no physical abuse.
They are ALL. Like that. We also missed signs we didn’t want to see
Empty gestures to act like they care enough todo maindain things out of love but really they hate and despise u
The real trouble is that most people in the world are like this.
Coming from a Catholic tradition (quite dark and punitive) and thinking about the songs I had to sing, they were quite pompous and I appreciate more simple words like "Oh, happy day" and it's rhythm; it's a song that makes me cheerful. The older I get the more I enjoy simplicity in any aspect, music, literature, etc.
I didn't leave until my kids were in college. They still resent me and won't even talk to me.
My 3 are horrible. I've done with the disrespect and abuse.
😢
I did exactly the same 20yrs ago & son still resents me & only had contact when wanted money, he sadly has his father's narcissistic traits. He witnessed all the abuse & still treats him with respect & me with disdain. We don't set out to have this life inflicted on us. I'm over it & wiser, we can't change people, all I want is a peaceful life.
That stuff about prayer is amazing. You've made me a Christian in spirit. I pray and communicate.
Amen! And what a day God chose for you ❤
Coming from an upbringing where abuse was normalized...This has brought so much enlightenment...I can overcome this and so can you! ❤ Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.
The other night, I prayed to God to help me only act from a place of love with my child and then this video series came up in my feed. Thank you. 🙏
What he says is 100 percent right! I have lived this!
Thank you Tim Fletcher.
Brilliant man. Brilliant as all the videos from Tim Fletcher are. Clear as a bell explanations. Listen up, folks.
This is the first time I have heard of the limbic system as driving the emotional choices of trauma bonded victims. It explains a lot though. Great series.
👏👏👏👏👏👏
Today, now, is the perfect time to leave The Narcissist.
Love the Christian part at the end. We can be real with God and in our expressions to Him.
Every person I've met that snapped over a little mess is a big sign of an abuser
who was abused most likely
36:30 - 54:20 the segment about prayer and abuse of prayer is so skillfully expressed, forthright and without guile. It points to a wellspring of healing and compassion.
Don't let emotions cloud facts ( limbic vs cortex)
What a great speech. Everyone must hear
He refers mostly to abusive partners, but it’s a whole ‘nother thing if you grew up and were formed by parents like this, if your community valued parental rights over your rights, and you were blamed for being the problem. Reality really depends on your community, and abuse can actually be time-honored tradition.
People stay because they have been beaten down. I don’t believe we stay because we don’t think we can’t do better. We stay because we fell in love with a fake persona that’s never coming back once the mask comes off.
Or it was all you knew growing up so you were weirded out by anything else.
Some of us stay because we hope that our love will be enough to help them heal from their childhood trauma. After 15 years I am learning that if someone doesn't want to do the work and self reflect and grow, we will be stuck in loneliness and deprivation forever. I am no longer content. We have kids and I have always felt that if I left him he somehow would beco
me isolated and not fully thrive.
So right, I grew up in it
This applies to other disorders such as personality disorders that can appear as narcissism such as borderline personality disorder. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. It has provided me with invaluable insight and answers to the many questions I’ve had. I’m now understanding the why of my choices
A brilliant and spot on presentation. This was exactly my experience. I was abused. I tried to help him and then he cheated on me - serially as it turns out - and lied to me so much. When I found out what he’d done, he first denied it, and then with totally flat affect and demeanour said, ‘That must be hard for you to see’ and then a smirk. He literally had zero care or could take no responsibility for what he’d done. It was like he was telling me, I’m entitled to do what I want and although I know it’s bad, I truly don’t care.
There is not much you can do with that, as you’ve just seen their conscience and their empathy absence. It’s horrific to see that in a human, as it makes them non-human. I had to leave as I knew he was too far gone to ever turn it around and I was in great psychological danger. These people will destroy others and feel total disconnection to their own humanity to make it okay for them. I should have known as early on he felt familiar. My mother is a psychopath. Bingo, I realised that I had been trained to pacify these sort of people. Once I woke up, I saw what was happening. Just because I was resilient and calm doesn’t mean I had any power over his behaviour. Since leaving the situation I realise how bad it was, hindsight really shows the full horror. When you’re in it, you’re so used to putting out fires that they set, metaphorically, that there is no time to really think about how to leave. He went back to a former partner who proceeded to put him on a pedestal on social media and believed his lies. She knew the extent of the cheating as I was able to prove it, but she preferred to defend him and her position with him over doing the right thing, she’s a pastor and her behaviour was even more toxic, I suspect they’re both codependent malignant narcissists.
He is still cheating and I don’t think she knows it and there’s no point telling her. He blames his cheating and abuse of women on a sex addiction. He plays the victim card and relies on women to take responsibility for him and feel sorry for him, while he’s smirking and cheating behind their backs. Not sure if he’s a narcissist or a psychopath. Or the mix of both … malignant narcissist.
“You cannot be their higher power - that will not work.” Wow. Mind blown. 🤯 I had no idea that’s what I was trying to carry on my shoulders.
Exactly like my husband and he also has a TBI to make things even worse. The 3rd week of our marriage he become very verbally abusive towards me. Calling me awful names, shouting, throwing things, banging doors. Awful marriage for the past 8 years.
This is good teaching and a prevalent problem in our churches and homes in 2024.
This had a lot of practical application to glean.
This goes right to the essence of any problematic behaviour!
I've started to attend to a free group called "adult children" and they Talk about all what you are talking about!!!(2024)
Praise God for Pastor Tim Fletcher and Finding Freedom, Woohoo!
Thank you for sharing this with us! Excellent Pastor Tim!!!
Incredibly on point. Something I have survived and worked on for years. 👏🏻👏🏻 couldn’t be said more simply, clearly and straight to the core of the matter.
My husband just passed away last week , I did years of work to straighten up and he got very sick so I moved in too help him. Despite everything that went on.
I watched him wither away over three years & he began too get sundowner syndrome, He started.
To show signs again of becoming abusive at the hospice , We weren't in a romantic relationship any longer Mostly because of how sick he was and because that ended almost immediately after moving in together 37 years ago I feel psychologically safer on the planet and I was able to do the work. It took to get myself better, but even in the last 6 months. To hear some of those things that came out of his mouth when he was sick at night.Started to bring me back to a place where when he passed away.It was actually and still is a relief and it hasn't even been a week yet. He was cunning ,he was charming, He worked really hard and had a great reputation and hid in the church.Every time that a gigantic Abusive situation will come up and Verizon.His church group never saw him that way.And I think some of them are having a hard time dealing with the fact that i'm not having any type of ceremony.
I haven’t thought through the kid situation. That was my huge fault. Now my child is in the hands of an abuser and I don’t know how to save him
Go get your child out of there and away from that abusive parent ... contact Child Protective Services so they can live with you in safety
What a blessing I found this channel. There is so much that I can relate with.
This part (and the part about how people with complex trauma "Create what they hate") have been extremely revelatory to me. Thank you so much
This is such an insightful definition. Already in the Anger series..
anger arises where love was violated;
abuse is where another desire trumps love.
Oh, the truth in this is so profound.
Thank you very much.
😔✨🙏🌿🌎🌈 Danke, Ihre Erkenntnisse haben mir die Augen & mein Herz geöffnet für mein c.Trauma & dass daraus entstandene Trauma meiner Kinder ...Ihre Aufklärung ist so wichtig für die Gesellschaft 🌳🦋
I was agnostic and so afraid of God. Alanon helped me so much.
God loves you. He is there waiting for you with open arms until you are ready.
This is an incredibly accurate and clear explanation- and it is amazing that it runs to such a predictable pattern-unfortunately I can confirm all of this is 110% correct and also very practical without being judgemental- wonderful job!!!