Abusers are smart. They groom, isolate and control…gradually gaslighting and manipulating you into believing that your diminished self is actually evidence that you… blah blah blah… what I wouldn’t give to have those 20 years back!!! Hind sight. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!!! And, believe me, it doesn’t get better, at least not for long. RUN!!!
They arent smart. It is just you are a nice person who would never do that. But abusers arent smart. Anything but. Otherwise they would figure out they got a great catch of a partner and could choose a life of happiness, but instead they make life hell for the great catch and themselves.
I was married for 37 years to an abusive guy. It was hard to divorce him because I was fearful of what he might do to me . He was very explosive which kept me in line and I was fearful from leaving . He isolated me from family and friends . He lied about an illness . I started therapy and joined a 12 step program and that gave me a little glimmer of hope that I can get out of the relationship which I did 2 yrs ago. I had to do a lot of work on myself as to why I allowed someone to treat me so poorly . It is a lot of work but worth it .
The more religious and spiritual you are, the more strong is the trauma bond because we have been taught to fogive and hold on to see the change in the other person. I now ask for God to guide me to not respond and stand up for myself in the most peaceful manner possible.
I had to unlearn this kind of "Toxic Forgiveness" that was taught to my by Christianity since I was a small child. One of the biggest things I had to square away when I lost my religion was realizing that the God of the Bible is a malignant narcissist.
@@aaronhess7781 Christianity has lied to you. It has fed you and other sleepy Christians BULLSHIT. Their doctrine and bad examples are in no way reflecting the character of the true Living God. He's a Good Father and wants what's best for His children. Just ask Him for the truth.
Stayed in a toxic marriage 34 years- I was raised as a Christian, that I had to forgive; to coddle bad behavior. Bad behavior increased & the golden rule never worked. The church/ religion set me up as a fool. (My walk with God set me free!) Forgiveness heals, but don’t keep subjecting yourself to the offender.
@@deirdremorris9234the word says to love your neighbor as yourself. You can’t love others if you don’t recognize your worth as a son/daughter of God. Letting someone abuse you is not loving them. I finally realized boundaries are not just for me but for them as a form of love. How can they ever change and grow without boundaries. I set boundaries from a place of love not hatred in my heart. And I let God deal with them. I am not their savior but I know Jesus can save them if they decide to come to Jesus with their own will.
After I moved into the other bedroom. He tried to get me to drink with him at Christmas in hopes that he would get lucky. Knowing that I used to be a bad alcoholic and can not drink. Thank you for what you do. It has helped me to understand a lot of things that I was confused about. Now, I know I do not have to feel guilty about standing up for and protecting myself.
Mine does not want to stop drinking. He hides hard stuff from me but I know. I stopped too. He has lots of anger. I can't talk to him. Never know when I'll set him off. It's a toxic existence. My health is bad because of it. I have nowhere to go.
@paulalane8638 Give your heart and soul to Jesus. He will lead you where to go. He will help you get out. I plead the blood of Jesus over you and pray that God make provision for you to get free, in Jesus name, Amen.
My last partner kept saying that he "couldn't stop being who he was," which was very angry. "I can't control my anger," which is ridiculous because he was not angry with everyone, he could control who he showed his anger to. I broke up more times than I can remember, yet he would always come back - and I was afraid of him. It really is hard to get rid of these toxic people, they are crazy-making, manipulative, and ultimately very scary and dangerous on a profound level. This time, I am hoping it is truly done. I was done a long time ago, but his persistence was disturbing, a complete lack of respect for my boundaries. I am working on NO!
Lord!! Just got rid of a narcissist!! Two years toooo long.. It’s done! All avenues blocked and locked! Took myself to the clinic & got a full STD panel, I’m freeeeee!!! Thank you Jesus, lesson learnt. 🙌🏾
Why is it that we can't see the full extent to thier manipulative behaviour whilst we are in it. When finally out of it, it becomes very clear each and every interaction, was abuse.
Sounds like this could have been me writing this🙏🏻 what a nightmare we are in. What horrid people they are. Dangerous. My health is so bad because of this evil man.🤦♀️🙏🏻
Thank you Mr Fletcher, I lived this way far too long. Not doing it now at 55. Wish this could be taught to young people. Very important info. God Bless you.
@@Matej-c4h yes, and, it's all about the intent. Do you do it on purpose because it brings you pleasure? Or do you do it because the relationship is not healthy/not a good fit for you so you know the other person can take it so that both of you will be better off seeking a different (more healthier) person or one that's a good fit (good fit = not complex trauma inducing)
@@alexandrugheorghe5610exactly. What is the condition of your heart. Setting boundaries with someone who abuses is a form of love to them and to you. How else can they potentially change without them.
For Anyone going through this, a great read is Dr. David Hawkin’s book, “when loving him is hurting you.” Another Christian perspective for women healing from narcissistic abuse.
No one ever taught or modeled these things. My experience growing up in religion is that i was told that i must forgive and hold onto the promises and be spiritually minded.... but all that taught ppl was that they can behave badly and that i wouldn't leave or do anything about it. In the season of unlearning a lot of things while getting divorced.
Religion in the hands of unsafe and unhealthy people is a weapon fashioned against souls. But relationship with Jesus is what one needs not a bunch of twisted scriptures in favour of toxic people.
I can empathize on you with this! One thing I learned in my adult life is is that there are no prizes for martyrdom 😂. If I should be persecuted for the cause of Christ, so be it. However, it is totally different to keep walking back into abuse and acting like it's my "cross to bear".
If you're in a relationship that needs to end, you generally don't get to "draw lines in the sand" or have "discussions". You generally very quietly, make a decision, make a plan & just leave..
Married 17 years pure hell. You teach people how to treat you definitely set boundaries and don't expect anything from anyone If they don't respect you just leave
I walked away from adult siblings- no talking. The actions were a group effort, cruel- during my most vulnerable time. I walked away for safety. No regrets. I thought, read and prayed. The decision was personal. Grew up with these people, this was the last straw. I lost people i wished to love..I found peace through loving myself, trusting myself- finding others capable of love.
I thought I was reading my own comment! All of it!.minus the "I lost people I wished to love"..I DID love them. I wish they'd love me." I'm glad you found others capable of love. I thought I did, but that person left me too. :(
It breaks my heart that so many people have gone through this. I was in this for 20 years and now I'm fighting to get out with my two kids. He was physically abusive to them, financially, verbally and psychologically abusive to all of us. I saw it starting to take a toll on my kids, and I finally saw, with help from a friend, how devastating it was for myself. I'm over 18 months into a horrific divorce with him, as he's trying to keep control of everything. These types of people are DANGEROUS. If you're thinking of getting out, do not tell them right away. Make a plan. Get a job, stash some cash, build your credit, document everything. And get a good therapist who is trauma informed. Do not rush through leaving. Be methodical so you are completely set up when you do leave. You are worth being loved and treated with respect and kindness.❤
I wish any of the couples therapists we have visited over the years were as clear as you are. Thank you. Defining The five pillars of love is brilliant. My body can FEEL how right this is. As someone who has no intrinsic model for a healthy relationship it's easy to bamboozled into accepting crappy behaviour from partners, adult kids, colleagues. This is an empowering talk. 🙏😊
So true. But harder to do than it sounds. Even if you see it most of the time they have sucked you into the relationship deep enough they may have already cut off every avenue of immediate escape or they picked you because they have already can see you don’t have any. But let’s say you do catch at least at a gut feeling that this behavior of his is not okay the thing to do is walk away right then if your lucky there is an avenue of escape or be planning one in the immediate future. And I mean do it with NO WORDS. The minute you start talking to explain what your actions are going to be next if your serious enough they well change tactics fast enough not to lose you. Especially if you’re not sure enough of the actual WHY you want to suddenly get out of there. I am saying don’t use words because unless it a flat out boundary STATEMENT you won’t waver on and not just an EXPLANATION of your gut feeling you will get out maneuvered. Early on they will MASK first and solve things a little more normal especially if they haven’t gotten you to move in with them yet. Later it is full on GASLIGHTING and most often it’s the fact that they trip your SHAME trigger. Which triggers our need to EXPLAIN ourselves to prove we are right/worthy/hurt forcing us dissociate from fear or anger we should tap into to deal with them in the first place just to cope with the CHAOS they unleash next and the fact that they are masters at making it all about you not them. So to avoid the EXPLAIN ourselves trap we walk into everytime, NO WORDS just go. Trauma victims tend to explain and it works with NORMAL people but not narcissists. The only thing that works with narcissists is to have really well defined boundaries that you have also learned you don’t have to defend. The answer is then a NO, just NO or NO with a Statement not an explanation therefore not negotiable. Explanations let them back through the door because they are a sign of weakness and show you’re unsure of yourself. AND then there is the fact that if they trigger your FIGHT/FREEZE/FAWN modes you can’t even find the WORDS to define the gut feeling that would have walked you out of there in the first place. You are in SURVIVAL mode and at this point you can’t remember your own name. So unless you have come to terms with what being a trauma victim means or even realized you are one you likely can’t identify RED FAGS in the beginning of a relationship and they didn’t just slip under your radar so do not feel guilty or ashamed. The reason you didn’t see this coming is you don’t have radar because you don’t have boundaries. You also don’t have enough of a sense of yourself to see what you should be unwilling to compromise on for the sack of your own happiness. Forgive yourself for not knowing what to do and being so defenseless all the time never beat yourself up for not seeing the red flags. But acknowledge and accept the trauma victim in you and what it means you’re vulnerable. You need help building the SELF that has the tools and the boundaries to get through life you were robbed of by trauma. You may need professional help to just find yourself much less to help you out of a bad relationship or from going into another one. Love yourself give yourself permission to get help. You are not like your friends that saw all the red flags and that has to be okay, you have a journey ahead of you called HEALING. You are worthy of help now love yourself and go get it.
They usually tell you who they are within the first five minutes but they say it in such a (cute, sexy, funny, interesting) way that you disregarded it.
Only be in a relationship with someone also working on themselves. The loving relationship must be reciprocal. Ghost: When things are better left unsaid or when there's nothing left to say. Ghosting is closure 😌
God i needed to hear this . Im turning 60 tomorrow and mu gift to myself is going to be my freedom from a man who has been dishonest , deceitful, disloyal, disrespectful, and unfaithful. Ive fallen for the " i will be a better man for you" line more times than i want to think about . Despite knowing for a fact its all bullshit. Ive put up with behavior that never should be tolerated. I accept my part in allowing it to happen. So im taking responsibility for stopping it. NOW. TODAY. IT ENDS. Happy Birthday to the new, free me !!!!!!!
You go, cowgirl. Our stories are almost identical. I turned 61 in April and realized the best gift for myself was to quit doing all the work in a relationship marked by that unfaithfulness, disrespect, deceitfulness, and abuse you described when I was getting so little in return. We are worth so much more. Happy birthday and wishing you much joy.
Discovering Tim's channel in April 2024. Holy smokes I am gonna learn a lot from this man! I have complex trauma and so does my partner. We both have poor relationship skills which is why it's turned into a disaster in only a year. Sending this video to him
Praise God! I found Tim’s channel yesterday after - as an answer to prayer about a new relationship. In my gut I see red flags by the dozens - but I am afraid of hurting his feelings. This is exactly what I needed to hear to give me strength and courage to set a boundary and most likely end this relationship. 🙏
I know from my history, that what you say is TRUE!! I didn’t have the knowledge of my complex trauma until recently! Your videos help make sense of my entire life and difficulty with relationships! In addition, and very important, your teaching about trusting God is invaluable! HE is the trustworthy One! You helped me see how! Thank you!!
it was definitely a narc and a codependent relationship. It took me a while to figure it out. Thank God, I have a better understanding on complex trauma. Thank you, Tim.
I ended my relationship with my boyfriend six weeks ago. It’s the first time I’ve stood up for myself by exiting first. That is growth! I’m in a lot of pain and I realize I put myself in that path. But I will never go back to him. We went to counseling for 10 months and I worked the exercises. He would not. Actively recalcitrant in front of the counselor. Ironically, it was his idea to go to counseling. Thank you so much for this video. I know in my heart that I did everything that I could, and I was clear in my intention with him all along. Even in my reactive triggered states, I was journaling and doing workbooks and watching videos and going to counseling. I noticed the problems when they came up and I addressed them. Again, attachment styles come down to secure, anxious, preoccupied, fearful, avoidant, dismissive avoidant. I went in secure, leaning, anxious, preoccupied, warring more. He is dismissive, avoiding. Thank goodness I had the strength to walk away and most importantly, the strength to stay away.
The story of Joseph, like I've never heard it before. Love it😊 It teaches me, that no matter what the enemy does to destroys God's plans for me I will keep on trusting God and doing good Until His promise to me is finally fulfilled 🎉 He will work all things together for my good
If someone keeps f*cking with your head and you've already explained to them that it's not okay with you and they keep acting remorseless then it's intentional and you don't owe them a break up just ghost and block. No explanation for your absence is necessary at all. They meant to harm you and meant to continue to harm you. On purpose.
But two wrongs don’t make a right. This is what is wrong with people. The person in the right still needs to keep their integrity and do right by their own morals. “Ghosting” is a last ditch effort to hurt the other person. Then, knowingly or unknowingly, you will carry that around in your heart. It’s not healthy plain and simple. Face the problem. Break up. Move forward with a clear conscience….sorry I know you got a lot of upvotes because ppl love blood and revenge, but it’s not the right thing to do. Good luck.
@@eclectigirl it’s not about them. It’s about your own mind, heart, and soul. Can’t you see that you’re just playing into the same toxic cycle that got you where you are in the first place? The people who fall into these codependent relationships with narcissists are toxic as well. They have to grow up and change too - that’s why this man is teaching you. CHANGE…you just can’t see it because your heart is hardened by the pain. I hope one day you do.
@@eclectigirl okay so now you’ve gone cryptic mage/seer? lol dude I’m saying that the imposition of your heart is still incorrect and you’re doomed to repeat your mistakes if you maintain that posture. Your pithy little quote is completely irrelevant to this conversation. Doing the upright thing is not about any other person or “vessel”…it’s not so you can gain anything from them. You literally just can’t see it. Good luck with your resentments.
I’ve been living this way for almost 40 years of marriage exactly the same experiences. At 62, I am living alone but extremely to difficult for him to understand that it’s over ! Trying in different ways to come back. All my doors are sealed closed !
Staying in a toxic relationship for 19 years, destroyed me and my children. One of my kids is tolerating an Abusive girlfriend because I modeled it. 7 years ago I was told by a pastor that a women of my age will end up growing old alone. I was told by another that marriage is a covenant and although my husband broke his side by infidelity I have not and my covenant is still standing. I was told my job is to pray for him to be restored. By the grace of God, He restores my soul, my life, my relationships
What garbage - you can’t be in a marriage of 1! The covenant is broken when one refuses to keep to the terms and conditions (ie, infidelity in your husbands case) - that was when the covenant broke. We are not in unilateral covenants like God made with his people, they are bilateral, and breakable, because of ‘the hardness of our hearts’ (ie, hardhearted behaviour is betraying your spouse). God himself is a double divorcee in the Old Testament.
@@jeanannedupratt7075remember God divorced babylon because babylon is unfaithful that it worship other gods? Babylon should love God all alone but babylon betrayed the marriage. Marriage is a covenant in which you treat the other party as you would treat yourself
God hates divorce but allows it - because of sin. When your spouse cheated, they broke the covenant. The Bible is clear about people like this. 2 Timothy 3 says, “ 1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God- 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.”
Relationship analogy… You break a plate once it can be glued back together and be pretty much good as new. If you break it twice, it can be repaired but won’t be as strong as before. If you break it a third time, you might as well throw it away and get a new plate.
The more I've worked on myself, so I'm doing what really makes me happy and brings me joy and try to really listen to my partner, connect with my partner.... the more she finds fault with me. The more complaining, always raising the bar on me. Going on 14 years of this. I'm a musician and have a dog walking/boarding business both of which she has supported and expressing that she loves the dogs. In all this I have tried and tried to give her special attention, take trips together, have date nights and it never matters. She wants more more more and I am exhausted. It separates us.
So hard to accept. After 27 years it’s so hard to walk away. I want to believe it will never happen again. Trying to find the strength. Should have left at 31, 36, 43 and now at 54. Regardless, of his promises to never do it again im pretty certain I’ll be 64 trying to pack up this pain and put it in the box. The box is full. What I don’t understand is why he won’t let me go, if he doesn’t love me. Why not just go and find someone he truly loves. Ugh.
I left after 32 years and 58 years old. He was perfectly happy in the marriage. I was very accommodating to him. Don’t wait for him to let you go, you only have 1 life. You choose how you want to live the rest of your life. It can be done and you can be happy without him.
@@elleb.9881 Lol, when I told my husband of 32 years that I wanted a divorce, he said “why, we have such a great marriage and we’re happy”. No…..he had a happy marriage because I did everything to make him happy so I wouldn’t see the narcissistic rage. I was miserable.
Wow, so many need this thru a PA system. I’m so glad it’s here for me to learn from and get better and better at relationship. It’s hard to find folk that actually work on themselves, let alone someone healthy. Wow. Thank you for this gift to my soul. 😘
Mr. Fletcher, You are the gift from God to many. I wish I had you as an adviser when I was youger, during my turbulent years in my marriage, that lasted 52 years, and cost me my health and peace dearly. But as a Christian I was devoted to my family and for that reason, nearly paid the price by my life. At least, after suffering too much and too long, I fulfilled my own promise to stand for my pride, and said goodbye to the man who was manipulative in every way possible, inspite having with him 3 children, 4 grandchildren and 3 grand grandchildren. Very sad and painful, but true story. Thank you Mr. Fletcher for your grat work and priceless help. After watching your series, I know that I've made right decision; yes it may be late, but not too late to have back my peace, to be myself again, and enjoy and love my all children, regardless my age, 75 I'll be in Sept. With all my respect, warm regards from Australia. Gods blessing to you and your loved ones 🙏🙌❤️❤️🎉🎉🎉
I’ve been in one VERY toxic relationship for 15 years from 19-34 & never ever again. I was so depressed to start over in my mid 30s but NEVER would put myself through that AGAIN Period !!
Wow, this is so powerful, thank you @TimFletcher. Has helped to understand a lot of the components of an unhealthy, damaging, no bounderies relationship with an individual diagnosed with cptsd. Thank you for your work, very valuable😊
I lost the love of my life because of my trust issues. Thanks to his love, he left me so that I would seek therapy. He says he still loves me, and he doesn't know what the future holds - only God knows, but my focus has to be on getting well for myself. I will never be happy until I love myself. I respect him for setting a boundary for himself. May God bless him always.
@@song4mozart Your post shows humility. Good for him & you. I pray you will live a life of integrity & come to live yourself & be able to be in a healthy relationship.
I wish he would think that about me, but I suspect he didn't love me, he was just attached or trauma bonded to me. I've tried to heal both of us but he didn't wanted to open up with me or take my vulnerability. I love him and I wish him to be happy and recover but I had to block him and leave 😥
~💖~ thank you, Mr. Fletcher your message has affirmed a decision I made and followed through with earlier today....almost as if it had been dropped directly from heaven ...for such a thyme as this 🌿
I am 68 ys old and try to navigate through trauma. I have had years of , still come up short. Listening to some of your tapes made me realize i am still a hot mess! It kinda set me back a bit. I am tired of all the work we have to do just to survive and still feel like a fish out of water. Having complex trauma is a life sentence that requires constant work. I seem to do all the things you talk about that trip us up. I haven't given up but i do get derailed , by the extensiveness of my circumstances.
God causes ALL things to work for our good. Amen! The abuse I survived as a child caused me to see my need for Him. Thankful and blessed. Thank you for your videos. ❤
Thanks for the sound advice. One comment regarding the choice of word “normal” when describing an unhealthy behavior, perhaps it’s a common behavior, but definitely not normal.
I think that recognizing if I have changed truly, in myself, first, and have my boundaries in place. Communication about this upfront and protect what is healthy for myself, then, see what the other communicates in themselves their changes and what is healthy for them. Evaluate and see if both are committed to staying in the boundaries feeling safe, healthy, and communicate honestly. See what behavior shows up with what they say.
I am thankful to God and to my Angel for sending this preach to me. In the very end, something clicked. Puzzle pieces of my life came together. I cried hard and it was healing. Catharsis. Thank you, Mr Tim, for delivering this speech. It reaches right into my heart, not just mind. Therefore, changes happen from within.
2:50 They play the unsatisfying relationship to be negative and have someone to dump their negativity into. They are not honest with themselves or that unsatisfying partner. It's lashing out unfairly for passive-aggressive reasons due to that complainers' trauma lash out style.
Wonderful story which as a muslim i have heard countless times great to know you included it in your lecture! Great narration about our Almighty Allah Subhaan' a wa T'alah
I’ve gathered enough bad experiences yet lessons to say that anyone who is abusive, disrespectful, selfish and even who has addiction needs to be alone or they’ll bring down and destroy with them anyone around them. Someone who wants to change needs to make that decision on their own and for themselves and then they should have the luxury of a loving partner and family. This comes from someone empathetic who’s had a savior complex 😅. Lesson learned. It is wayyy to risky to allow these kinds of people into your life, your job is to protect yourself ❤
I think sometimes you don't know how much you are hurting. You forget that relationships should make you feel better and help you to thrive. If you have never experienced this, it's very hard to take action early enough
What about those who are in their late 50’s who want to stay in recovery who want to leave, but can’t because they have no friends, no money or place to go?
Emergency accomodation, womens/mens shelters, rent a room instead of a house, save pennies secretly until you go ( new bank account the partner is unaware of). Do not tell partner your plans, they will be sabotaged or you may be harmed. Try to act consistently to your partner so they dont suspect. Start investing in you....learn a hobby, do an online course, apply for jobs that are remote or live in positions. I hope any of these suggestions help. Life is too short to waste.
I live in the outback. 92km from neighbour. At least it makes it difficult for him to cheat. Few choices for me and moving is complicated. Life can be tough here and you really need a partner to survive. But ive learned if i love but refuse to care, it seems to work. He is actually improving but still has these total avoidance chapters. I used to be pathetically too present. Im not easy either. Caring seems to be what they take advantage of. Thank you these lectures are awesome and help me. You have brought me closer to God by making sense of Jesus too.
I can remember every detail of the abuses, both physical and verbal. As long as I followed all the rules things we ok. Not there when I needed him. Control from the beginning but not aware of it. He has been seeing his ex. When he visits his 50 year old kids…every year for four to six weeks. Last three of his visits to Mississippi….he has lied hundreds of times. Moved his accounts out of state, guess where ? Ha. He said he was afraid of what I would do, because of his first wife
I was going to the woods to make an end to it. After so much trauma in my life and being with 2 narcissists and the last being a counselloer using her skills to manipulate me I had enough. I contacted my mum and her counselling board because I had the rope ready. I was about to sell all of my goods and give the money to my mother and I wouldn't be here any longer. My family live in Holland and I didn't get any support from them. They're also too far away. I wrote my life story to the counselling board about my past. My self worth was low so by writing my life story it made me realise how strong I was and what type of man I was.too. destroying all the hateful and degrading things they would say and do. She was a covert narcissist. My first ex cheated on me constantly and nearly killed us both when she grabbed the steering wheel on the motorway going 70mph flipping the car multiple times. I've had enough of toxic women
This video makes me happy to see that Tim has incorporated the Bible in relationship awareness. God has been my refuge in so many trials in my life. He has seen me through them all. Praise His Name. He works in all of our lives, you only need to turn to Him and His Son in all life’s situations. He will make it all work together for our good and His Glory.
Steve, we know you know you are not going to stealth there. But saying that with a straight face had me laughing instantly. Left a huge smile in my heart. Still deeply tickled. Lol !
If one person is working and the other one refuses to, it goes nowhere. Ok. I am going to be in a situation where I was abandoned after 17 years, and his daughter got him an apartment I can visit 4 days a week. Where will I go the other 3 days is my question. He and his kid made their choice. He would rather Play house with her than have a real household with me. I get it. I do love him with all my heart, he showed who he wants to be with.
Until I started addressing my own cptsd i attracted narcissistic women one after another. I finally learned to establish strict boundaries. 1 strike, out
I accepted all the lies,cheating and emotional abuse because I wanted my marriage.I thought a forgiving wife would one day see the change and happy to have stayed.Guess what???? After almost 19 years,no change occurred and all the toxic behaviors got worse.My ex-husband changed me and I could've even recognize myself.I had to accept that he never loved me and that I didn't love myself enough.I am so sorry to read so many going through the same heartbreak 💔 I know I would never be the same but I also believe one day I would have the chance to help someone in the exact same position.
A non negotiable for me is if he is following attractive women on social media and likes their photos. I have found from a previous relationship that it is quite impossible to get over these things in the dating phase. Currently I am tying to find some excuses because we only dated once. Not sure if this is an exaggeration... but it hurt me in the past
If you're not going to be adult enough to bring it up to him... perhaps simply ask him "why" he's liking those posts...asking "are these ladies friends?"...Whatever...then tossing this man is on you. I'm mentioning this because I had the exact same problem with my ex of 3 years. I won't get into the grisly details of that mess, but I'm telling ya...if I ever meet another man I like, and I see that behavior, it's getting addressed IMMEDIATELY. They damaged us nice, eh?
breaking up with an abusive person when you have kids is not the best choice because than that abusive person (Narcissist) will have the kids all to themselves and will twist your children against you! Drag you down still and destroy you worse!
I ended a marriage of 27 years that included 5 kids...only 2 were minors at the time of the divorce, but they are all very aware of their father's NPD behavior and look out for each other.
2 years of no change, of an 8 year relationship. I know it needs to end, it isn't as easy as one would like it to be. I know it needs to end. I'm healthier, I want to grow in my own mental health. It has become a one way street. I will have to go no contact.
When you talk to someone they might pretend they have changed out of fear for loosing you and not out of real love. Fear is not love. Fear is attachment based and love is free. Very different.
It's human nature to resent someone trying to control you every move. Eventually you have to between being as much of a fake person as they are. ND LOSING YOUR OWN IDENTITY IN THE PROCESS and walkin g on egg shells , intimidation and fear. They dont want yoh, but dont want anyone else to have you. They are not the o ly one out there like that. There are many of the same types.
Was in a relationship with my girlfriend had 2 kids she went on an adult weekend ended up sleeping with a man who's wife was 9 months pregnant was such a shock to me as I didn't see it coming roll on a year and a half later I lost my gramp who was the closest person to me I went to a very dark place she soon started going out more ended up doing stuff with another man I had a gut feeling at the time I didn't know we sorted things out 4 months later I found out and I literally cannot get passed what she did she blames me for both times she did it I'm such a fool but have held it for the sake of my kids as my upbringing was from a very broken home and I didn't want this for my kids I can't trust her anymore and my heart knows it's time to let go
Abusers are smart. They groom, isolate and control…gradually gaslighting and manipulating you into believing that your diminished self is actually evidence that you… blah blah blah… what I wouldn’t give to have those 20 years back!!! Hind sight. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!!! And, believe me, it doesn’t get better, at least not for long. RUN!!!
They’re smart at being evil and manipulative nothing else. They’re not very intelligent at self-reflection nor introspection
They arent smart. It is just you are a nice person who would never do that. But abusers arent smart. Anything but. Otherwise they would figure out they got a great catch of a partner and could choose a life of happiness, but instead they make life hell for the great catch and themselves.
Agreed
@@Nerfhunter3000very well said👏👏👏
@@Nerfhunter3000yes they're not smart
I was married for 37 years to an abusive guy. It was hard to divorce him because I was fearful of what he might do to me . He was very explosive which kept me in line and I was fearful from leaving . He isolated me from family and friends . He lied about an illness . I started therapy and joined a 12 step program and that gave me a little glimmer of hope that I can get out of the relationship which I did 2 yrs ago. I had to do a lot of work on myself as to why I allowed someone to treat me so poorly . It is a lot of work but worth it .
So happy you're out of that and safe now ❤
You're a pucking warrior. You're stronger than most people today
Yes do a lot of inner work so that you'll not let the same asshole in your life
Umm , that’s my situation too but, I haven’t left yet.😢
Thanks for sharing!!❤
an apology without change is manipulation.
I am speaking for myself.
Omg that’s a good one
Powerful statement. Powerful.❤
The more religious and spiritual you are, the more strong is the trauma bond because we have been taught to fogive and hold on to see the change in the other person. I now ask for God to guide me to not respond and stand up for myself in the most peaceful manner possible.
I'm an atheist and I fall for the very same trap. I still want to be a good person and not hurt anybody.
That is why I’m non religious, my toxic superego loves religion to punish me.
I had to unlearn this kind of "Toxic Forgiveness" that was taught to my by Christianity since I was a small child.
One of the biggest things I had to square away when I lost my religion was realizing that the God of the Bible is a malignant narcissist.
@@aaronhess7781 Christianity has lied to you. It has fed you and other sleepy Christians BULLSHIT. Their doctrine and bad examples are in no way reflecting the character of the true Living God. He's a Good Father and wants what's best for His children. Just ask Him for the truth.
are you still in it? Has there been a change?
Stayed in a toxic marriage 34 years- I was raised as a Christian, that I had to forgive; to coddle bad behavior. Bad behavior increased & the golden rule never worked.
The church/ religion set me up as a fool. (My walk with God set me free!) Forgiveness heals, but don’t keep subjecting yourself to the offender.
Golden rule definitely doesn’t work for narcs
I got out after 32 years of marriage. There is life after a toxic relationship. Glad you are out and hopefully healing!
@@NewMe-iq5osWas their something that gave you a revelation that it was okay to put You first?
@@deirdremorris9234the word says to love your neighbor as yourself. You can’t love others if you don’t recognize your worth as a son/daughter of God. Letting someone abuse you is not loving them. I finally realized boundaries are not just for me but for them as a form of love. How can they ever change and grow without boundaries. I set boundaries from a place of love not hatred in my heart. And I let God deal with them. I am not their savior but I know Jesus can save them if they decide to come to Jesus with their own will.
@@happygilmore3706 Agree. I was wondering what set in motion, the lady above, to love herself enough to leave.
“Become convinced that you’re valuable enough to protect” 💜
Amen!
This resonates so deeply
❤💛🌟👍
After I moved into the other bedroom. He tried to get me to drink with him at Christmas in hopes that he would get lucky. Knowing that I used to be a bad alcoholic and can not drink.
Thank you for what you do. It has helped me to understand a lot of things that I was confused about. Now, I know I do not have to feel guilty about standing up for and protecting myself.
Wow! Willing to tempt you with the poison. Hard to deny he acted out of self-interest.
Mine does not want to stop drinking. He hides hard stuff from me but I know. I stopped too. He has lots of anger. I can't talk to him. Never know when I'll set him off. It's a toxic existence. My health is bad because of it. I have nowhere to go.
@paulalane8638 Give your heart and soul to Jesus. He will lead you where to go. He will help you get out. I plead the blood of Jesus over you and pray that God make provision for you to get free, in Jesus name, Amen.
@@jenniferlane40Thank you! I belong to Jesus. He has not said for me to go at this time. He is faithful even in our suffering.
I feel your discontent.@@paulalane8638
Thank You Jesus for bringing me to this series
god is not an algorithm
jesus brought you here? how did he do that?
Actually, TH-cam brought it to you!
Amen. me too, thank you lord!
It is God who brought to you and not jesus or any other beings only give thanks to God alone
My last partner kept saying that he "couldn't stop being who he was," which was very angry. "I can't control my anger," which is ridiculous because he was not angry with everyone, he could control who he showed his anger to. I broke up more times than I can remember, yet he would always come back - and I was afraid of him.
It really is hard to get rid of these toxic people, they are crazy-making, manipulative, and ultimately very scary and dangerous on a profound level. This time, I am hoping it is truly done. I was done a long time ago, but his persistence was disturbing, a complete lack of respect for my boundaries. I am working on NO!
I live with one of these types also, I believe I know your feelings too! They are very mentally exhausting depleting people to deal with
Lord!! Just got rid of a narcissist!! Two years toooo long.. It’s done! All avenues blocked and locked! Took myself to the clinic & got a full STD panel, I’m freeeeee!!! Thank you Jesus, lesson learnt. 🙌🏾
Why is it that we can't see the full extent to thier manipulative behaviour whilst we are in it.
When finally out of it, it becomes very clear each and every interaction, was abuse.
Sounds like this could have been me writing this🙏🏻 what a nightmare we are in. What horrid people they are. Dangerous. My health is so bad because of this evil man.🤦♀️🙏🏻
They will jeopardize your finances, your health and your time. And leave you with nothing.
Truth!
Yes ma'am.
That's what I allowed to me💔😢
Literally...your health is GONE .
Yes yes yeeeeeessssss 😢
I've worked in addiction. This mans talks are absolutely incredible. I've learned so much.
Me too….simply the best on TH-cam
Same!
He's so concise in his psychological and spiritual mapping... a true recovery blueprint to becoming an authentic being.
He has unscrambled the egg.
Thank you Mr Fletcher, I lived this way far too long. Not doing it now at 55. Wish this could be taught to young people. Very important info. God Bless you.
I realize it is pretty off topic but do anybody know of a good website to stream new movies online?
Life-changing lecture, many many thanks from a Chinese guy in Ethiopia
😂
@williammartin6643colonialism
Damn I wasn’t expecting that.
It's ok to hurt someone's feelings. You need to protect yourself. 👌🏻🙌🏻💜
Yes but that's also exactly what a narcissist would say.
@@Matej-c4h yes, and, it's all about the intent. Do you do it on purpose because it brings you pleasure? Or do you do it because the relationship is not healthy/not a good fit for you so you know the other person can take it so that both of you will be better off seeking a different (more healthier) person or one that's a good fit (good fit = not complex trauma inducing)
❤❤❤❤❤
@@alexandrugheorghe5610exactly. What is the condition of your heart. Setting boundaries with someone who abuses is a form of love to them and to you. How else can they potentially change without them.
@@happygilmore3706 bullseye.
I wish I could hear your lectures a decade or even two decades ago
5 misconceptions of love - these were so important for me to listen to, I have been a doormat for too long and never had boundaries
Me too! No more
That's me. Still here. Only just found Tim...?
Same here. Ruined my life …
Lord give me the strength to do the right thing. 😊
For Anyone going through this, a great read is Dr. David Hawkin’s book, “when loving him is hurting you.” Another Christian perspective for women healing from narcissistic abuse.
thank you!
Thank you for commenting this. I'm interested in having more Christian perspective of this situation
Thank you so much for suggesting this book!
nurses: "I'm dying to take care of you"....same theme
Or "men" healing from narcisstic abuse. I am watching this play out in a family.
No one ever taught or modeled these things. My experience growing up in religion is that i was told that i must forgive and hold onto the promises and be spiritually minded.... but all that taught ppl was that they can behave badly and that i wouldn't leave or do anything about it. In the season of unlearning a lot of things while getting divorced.
We are to forgive so we will be forgiven. Doesn’t mean to forget or trust again. We forgive the person not sin. Hope this helps. God Bless
Religion in the hands of unsafe and unhealthy people is a weapon fashioned against souls. But relationship with Jesus is what one needs not a bunch of twisted scriptures in favour of toxic people.
@@SamO-mh8vsthat’s a load of bs.
Same here....
I can empathize on you with this! One thing I learned in my adult life is is that there are no prizes for martyrdom 😂. If I should be persecuted for the cause of Christ, so be it. However, it is totally different to keep walking back into abuse and acting like it's my "cross to bear".
If you're in a relationship that needs to end, you generally don't get to "draw lines in the sand" or have "discussions". You generally very quietly, make a decision, make a plan & just leave..
Exactly
That's a relationship that should have ended a LONG time ago
Amen.
Married 17 years pure hell. You teach people how to treat you definitely set boundaries and don't expect anything from anyone If they don't respect you just leave
I walked away from adult siblings- no talking. The actions were a group effort, cruel- during my most vulnerable time. I walked away for safety. No regrets. I thought, read and prayed. The decision was personal. Grew up with these people, this was the last straw. I lost people i wished to love..I found peace through loving myself, trusting myself- finding others capable of love.
I thought I was reading my own comment! All of it!.minus the "I lost people I wished to love"..I DID love them. I wish they'd love me." I'm glad you found others capable of love. I thought I did, but that person left me too. :(
@@makaylahollywood3677 same
I still love these family- yet, it feels unsafe to continue communication.
I spend much time alone outside of work. I do have a few very good friends.
It breaks my heart that so many people have gone through this. I was in this for 20 years and now I'm fighting to get out with my two kids. He was physically abusive to them, financially, verbally and psychologically abusive to all of us. I saw it starting to take a toll on my kids, and I finally saw, with help from a friend, how devastating it was for myself. I'm over 18 months into a horrific divorce with him, as he's trying to keep control of everything. These types of people are DANGEROUS. If you're thinking of getting out, do not tell them right away. Make a plan. Get a job, stash some cash, build your credit, document everything. And get a good therapist who is trauma informed. Do not rush through leaving. Be methodical so you are completely set up when you do leave. You are worth being loved and treated with respect and kindness.❤
Excellent thanks 🙏👍 keep growing 💗
Wishing you all the best. We are stronger than we think ❤️
I wish any of the couples therapists we have visited over the years were as clear as you are. Thank you.
Defining The five pillars of love is brilliant. My body can FEEL how right this is.
As someone who has no intrinsic model for a healthy relationship it's easy to bamboozled into accepting crappy behaviour from partners, adult kids, colleagues.
This is an empowering talk. 🙏😊
What he had to say about forgiveness and how it works is golden. VERY helpful!
What exactly did he say?
I missed that part:(
When someone shows you who they are the first time believe them
THIS 💯
So true. But harder to do than it sounds. Even if you see it most of the time they have sucked you into the relationship deep enough they may have already cut off every avenue of immediate escape or they picked you because they have already can see you don’t have any. But let’s say you do catch at least at a gut feeling that this behavior of his is not okay the thing to do is walk away right then if your lucky there is an avenue of escape or be planning one in the immediate future. And I mean do it with NO WORDS. The minute you start talking to explain what your actions are going to be next if your serious enough they well change tactics fast enough not to lose you. Especially if you’re not sure enough of the actual WHY you want to suddenly get out of there. I am saying don’t use words because unless it a flat out boundary STATEMENT you won’t waver on and not just an EXPLANATION of your gut feeling you will get out maneuvered. Early on they will MASK first and solve things a little more normal especially if they haven’t gotten you to move in with them yet. Later it is full on GASLIGHTING and most often it’s the fact that they trip your SHAME trigger. Which triggers our need to EXPLAIN ourselves to prove we are right/worthy/hurt forcing us dissociate from fear or anger we should tap into to deal with them in the first place just to cope with the CHAOS they unleash next and the fact that they are masters at making it all about you not them. So to avoid the EXPLAIN ourselves trap we walk into everytime, NO WORDS just go. Trauma victims tend to explain and it works with NORMAL people but not narcissists. The only thing that works with narcissists is to have really well defined boundaries that you have also learned you don’t have to defend. The answer is then a NO, just NO or NO with a Statement not an explanation therefore not negotiable. Explanations let them back through the door because they are a sign of weakness and show you’re unsure of yourself. AND then there is the fact that if they trigger your FIGHT/FREEZE/FAWN modes you can’t even find the WORDS to define the gut feeling that would have walked you out of there in the first place. You are in SURVIVAL mode and at this point you can’t remember your own name. So unless you have come to terms with what being a trauma victim means or even realized you are one you likely can’t identify RED FAGS in the beginning of a relationship and they didn’t just slip under your radar so do not feel guilty or ashamed. The reason you didn’t see this coming is you don’t have radar because you don’t have boundaries. You also don’t have enough of a sense of yourself to see what you should be unwilling to compromise on for the sack of your own happiness. Forgive yourself for not knowing what to do and being so defenseless all the time never beat yourself up for not seeing the red flags. But acknowledge and accept the trauma victim in you and what it means you’re vulnerable. You need help building the SELF that has the tools and the boundaries to get through life you were robbed of by trauma. You may need professional help to just find yourself much less to help you out of a bad relationship or from going into another one. Love yourself give yourself permission to get help. You are not like your friends that saw all the red flags and that has to be okay, you have a journey ahead of you called HEALING. You are worthy of help now love yourself and go get it.
I've treasured these words for many years....
Kept me safe
They usually tell you who they are within the first five minutes but they say it in such a (cute, sexy, funny, interesting) way that you disregarded it.
Only be in a relationship with someone also working on themselves.
The loving relationship must be reciprocal.
Ghost:
When things are better left unsaid or when there's nothing left to say.
Ghosting is closure 😌
God i needed to hear this . Im turning 60 tomorrow and mu gift to myself is going to be my freedom from a man who has been dishonest , deceitful, disloyal, disrespectful, and unfaithful. Ive fallen for the " i will be a better man for you" line more times than i want to think about . Despite knowing for a fact its all bullshit. Ive put up with behavior that never should be tolerated. I accept my part in allowing it to happen. So im taking responsibility for stopping it. NOW. TODAY. IT ENDS.
Happy Birthday to the new, free me !!!!!!!
That's an awesome gift to yourself 😅 praying all goes well for you 🙏💜
Keep going!!🎉 Happy 60th and headed to freedom! 🙌🫶
🎉 happy birthday to you 🎂 ❤❤❤🎉you are loved by God..remember this if/when you feel alone..God is right there with you. ❤ I promise you...❤❤❤
good for you. doing the same. i got fibromyalgia. knew i had to get out and cure co dependency.
You go, cowgirl. Our stories are almost identical. I turned 61 in April and realized the best gift for myself was to quit doing all the work in a relationship marked by that unfaithfulness, disrespect, deceitfulness, and abuse you described when I was getting so little in return. We are worth so much more. Happy birthday and wishing you much joy.
It's sad to see someone you care about end up dying or suffering serious consequences. Sometimes we need to accept the fact we cannot change others.😅
My mom was one of them
Discovering Tim's channel in April 2024. Holy smokes I am gonna learn a lot from this man! I have complex trauma and so does my partner. We both have poor relationship skills which is why it's turned into a disaster in only a year. Sending this video to him
Praise God! I found Tim’s channel yesterday after - as an answer to prayer about a new relationship. In my gut I see red flags by the dozens - but I am afraid of hurting his feelings. This is exactly what I needed to hear to give me strength and courage to set a boundary and most likely end this relationship. 🙏
I really hope he appreciated you sending this to him and that 7 months later, you guys are better.
Christi
I know from my history, that what you say is TRUE!! I didn’t have the knowledge of my complex trauma until recently! Your videos help make sense of my entire life and difficulty with relationships! In addition, and very important, your teaching about trusting God is invaluable! HE is the trustworthy One! You helped me see how! Thank you!!
yesss! agree! if only we had this info YEARS/decades ago
@Tim Fletcher.....keep doing what you do! You are very good at getting the best tools across and you make it clear for understanding.
it was definitely a narc and a codependent relationship. It took me a while to figure it out. Thank God, I have a better understanding on complex trauma. Thank you, Tim.
I ended my relationship with my boyfriend six weeks ago. It’s the first time I’ve stood up for myself by exiting first. That is growth! I’m in a lot of pain and I realize I put myself in that path. But I will never go back to him. We went to counseling for 10 months and I worked the exercises. He would not. Actively recalcitrant in front of the counselor. Ironically, it was his idea to go to counseling. Thank you so much for this video. I know in my heart that I did everything that I could, and I was clear in my intention with him all along. Even in my reactive triggered states, I was journaling and doing workbooks and watching videos and going to counseling. I noticed the problems when they came up and I addressed them. Again, attachment styles come down to secure, anxious, preoccupied, fearful, avoidant, dismissive avoidant. I went in secure, leaning, anxious, preoccupied, warring more. He is dismissive, avoiding. Thank goodness I had the strength to walk away and most importantly, the strength to stay away.
Tim Fletcher is good teacher.
You are right. He is A good teacher.
One strike: give them a break, they’re mortal. Two strikes: take a break from the relationship. Three strikes: just break up. End of PSA.
I like that strike one: give them a break, strike two: take a break, strike three: break up!!!
I’m at twenty strikes currently 😭
@DivineOne-lt3wf Gurl.....how much you have left in you, it seems like you are really hurting 💯
Some healing is very profound.. 1 step forward 10 back. Just do your best, use your logic AND your heart.
Bullshit...one strike can be enough depending on the situation.
The story of Joseph, like I've never heard it before. Love it😊
It teaches me, that no matter what the enemy does to destroys God's plans for me
I will keep on trusting God and doing good
Until His promise to me is finally fulfilled 🎉
He will work all things together for my good
If someone keeps f*cking with your head and you've already explained to them that it's not okay with you and they keep acting remorseless then it's intentional and you don't owe them a break up just ghost and block. No explanation for your absence is necessary at all. They meant to harm you and meant to continue to harm you. On purpose.
But two wrongs don’t make a right. This is what is wrong with people. The person in the right still needs to keep their integrity and do right by their own morals. “Ghosting” is a last ditch effort to hurt the other person. Then, knowingly or unknowingly, you will carry that around in your heart. It’s not healthy plain and simple. Face the problem. Break up. Move forward with a clear conscience….sorry I know you got a lot of upvotes because ppl love blood and revenge, but it’s not the right thing to do. Good luck.
No. They don't deserve it and they'll just make more drama. You're acting like a narcissist is capable of mutuality or taking accountability.
@@eclectigirl it’s not about them. It’s about your own mind, heart, and soul. Can’t you see that you’re just playing into the same toxic cycle that got you where you are in the first place? The people who fall into these codependent relationships with narcissists are toxic as well. They have to grow up and change too - that’s why this man is teaching you. CHANGE…you just can’t see it because your heart is hardened by the pain. I hope one day you do.
You waste your time trying to get water from an empty vessel. You do you.
@@eclectigirl okay so now you’ve gone cryptic mage/seer? lol dude I’m saying that the imposition of your heart is still incorrect and you’re doomed to repeat your mistakes if you maintain that posture. Your pithy little quote is completely irrelevant to this conversation. Doing the upright thing is not about any other person or “vessel”…it’s not so you can gain anything from them. You literally just can’t see it. Good luck with your resentments.
I’ve been living this way for almost 40 years of marriage exactly the same experiences. At 62, I am living alone but extremely to difficult for him to understand that it’s over ! Trying in different ways to come back. All my doors are sealed closed !
So proud of you! You are strong and will thrive! ❤
Yes, good for You😅😅❤ wish I stayed away the first time I left 😢😅
Good
I think I should have seen this video 25 years ago my life would have been much easier
40+ yrs ago for me
Me too 😔
Me too😢 35+ years
Exactly
Isn’t that the truth
Staying in a toxic relationship for 19 years, destroyed me and my children. One of my kids is tolerating an Abusive girlfriend because I modeled it. 7 years ago I was told by a pastor that a women of my age will end up growing old alone. I was told by another that marriage is a covenant and although my husband broke his side by infidelity I have not and my covenant is still standing. I was told my job is to pray for him to be restored. By the grace of God, He restores my soul, my life, my relationships
What garbage - you can’t be in a marriage of 1! The covenant is broken when one refuses to keep to the terms and conditions (ie, infidelity in your husbands case) - that was when the covenant broke. We are not in unilateral covenants like God made with his people, they are bilateral, and breakable, because of ‘the hardness of our hearts’ (ie, hardhearted behaviour is betraying your spouse). God himself is a double divorcee in the Old Testament.
@@ec1222wow, where did you find this evidence please. Which chapter of the 2nd testament ?
@@jeanannedupratt7075remember God divorced babylon because babylon is unfaithful that it worship other gods? Babylon should love God all alone but babylon betrayed the marriage. Marriage is a covenant in which you treat the other party as you would treat yourself
God hates divorce but allows it - because of sin. When your spouse cheated, they broke the covenant. The Bible is clear about people like this.
2 Timothy 3 says, “ 1 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God- 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.”
Relationship analogy…
You break a plate once it can be glued back together and be pretty much good as new. If you break it twice, it can be repaired but won’t be as strong as before. If you break it a third time, you might as well throw it away and get a new plate.
Sometimes Kintsugi produces something better. Sometimes not.
The more I've worked on myself, so I'm doing what really makes me happy and brings me joy and try to really listen to my partner, connect with my partner.... the more she finds fault with me. The more complaining, always raising the bar on me. Going on 14 years of this. I'm a musician and have a dog walking/boarding business both of which she has supported and expressing that she loves the dogs. In all this I have tried and tried to give her special attention, take trips together, have date nights and it never matters. She wants more more more and I am exhausted. It separates us.
Oh and I tried the line of this has to change and she yells "that's who I am". Lol
So hard to accept. After 27 years it’s so hard to walk away. I want to believe it will never happen again. Trying to find the strength. Should have left at 31, 36, 43 and now at 54. Regardless, of his promises to never do it again im pretty certain I’ll be 64 trying to pack up this pain and put it in the box. The box is full. What I don’t understand is why he won’t let me go, if he doesn’t love me. Why not just go and find someone he truly loves. Ugh.
promises mean nothing. well he or will he not assess, accept and work to change?
Possibly a narcissist? But it truly is up to you. Trust God and ask Him for help. Hope this helps you.
I left after 32 years and 58 years old. He was perfectly happy in the marriage. I was very accommodating to him. Don’t wait for him to let you go, you only have 1 life. You choose how you want to live the rest of your life. It can be done and you can be happy without him.
You are a ‘good’ supply for him. He knows exactly how to control you therefore the relationship works for him.
@@elleb.9881 Lol, when I told my husband of 32 years that I wanted a divorce, he said “why, we have such a great marriage and we’re happy”. No…..he had a happy marriage because I did everything to make him happy so I wouldn’t see the narcissistic rage. I was miserable.
This is gold. Set boundaries, stick to them 🌟
Wow, so many need this thru a PA system. I’m so glad it’s here for me to learn from and get better and better at relationship. It’s hard to find folk that actually work on themselves, let alone someone healthy.
Wow. Thank you for this gift to my soul. 😘
Mr. Fletcher, You are the gift from God to many. I wish I had you as an adviser when I was youger, during my turbulent years in my marriage, that lasted 52 years, and cost me my health and peace dearly. But as a Christian I was devoted to my family and for that reason, nearly paid the price by my life. At least, after suffering too much and too long, I fulfilled my own promise to stand for my pride, and said goodbye to the man who was manipulative in every way possible, inspite having with him 3 children, 4 grandchildren and 3 grand grandchildren. Very sad and painful, but true story. Thank you Mr. Fletcher for your grat work and priceless help. After watching your series, I know that I've made right decision; yes it may be late, but not too late to have back my peace, to be myself again, and enjoy and love my all children, regardless my age, 75 I'll be in Sept. With all my respect, warm regards from Australia. Gods blessing to you and your loved ones 🙏🙌❤️❤️🎉🎉🎉
I’ve been in one VERY toxic relationship for 15 years from 19-34 & never ever again. I was so depressed to start over in my mid 30s but NEVER would put myself through that AGAIN Period !!
Good for you!😅
Wow, this is so powerful, thank you @TimFletcher. Has helped to understand a lot of the components of an unhealthy, damaging, no bounderies relationship with an individual diagnosed with cptsd. Thank you for your work, very valuable😊
Hi Sally, how's your day going with you?
I lost the love of my life because of my trust issues. Thanks to his love, he left me so that I would seek therapy. He says he still loves me, and he doesn't know what the future holds - only God knows, but my focus has to be on getting well for myself. I will never be happy until I love myself. I respect him for setting a boundary for himself. May God bless him always.
Amen
@@song4mozart
Your post shows humility. Good for him & you. I pray you will live a life of integrity & come to live yourself & be able to be in a healthy relationship.
I wish he would think that about me, but I suspect he didn't love me, he was just attached or trauma bonded to me. I've tried to heal both of us but he didn't wanted to open up with me or take my vulnerability.
I love him and I wish him to be happy and recover but I had to block him and leave 😥
This man could bring a man to Jesus.
Amen.
~💖~ thank you,
Mr. Fletcher your message has affirmed a decision I made and followed through with earlier today....almost as if it had been dropped directly from heaven ...for such
a thyme as this 🌿
LOVE THIS MAN HES A BIG BIG HELP! He’s made me open my eyes to all my trauma GOD BLESS U TIM TE QUEREMOS MUCH ❤
I am 68 ys old and try to navigate through trauma. I have had years of , still come up short. Listening to some of your tapes made me realize i am still a hot mess! It kinda set me back a bit. I am tired of all the work we have to do just to survive and still feel like a fish out of water. Having complex trauma is a life sentence that requires constant work. I seem to do all the things you talk about that trip us up. I haven't given up but i do get derailed , by the extensiveness of my circumstances.
Such interesting talks, lectures and Lessons! More, please! Blessings to you!
God causes ALL things to work for our good. Amen! The abuse I survived as a child caused me to see my need for Him. Thankful and blessed. Thank you for your videos. ❤
pretty straightforward stuff ppl as adults should have come to already intuit. great purple color.
¡Gracias!
Thanks for the sound advice. One comment regarding the choice of word “normal” when describing an unhealthy behavior, perhaps it’s a common behavior, but definitely not normal.
Thank you! Appreciate your faithfulness to God in serving in the way He has called you!
I think that recognizing if I have changed truly, in myself, first, and have my boundaries in place. Communication about this upfront and protect what is healthy for myself, then, see what the other communicates in themselves their changes and what is healthy for them. Evaluate and see if both are committed to staying in the boundaries feeling safe, healthy, and communicate honestly. See what behavior shows up with what they say.
I am thankful to God and to my Angel for sending this preach to me. In the very end, something clicked. Puzzle pieces of my life came together. I cried hard and it was healing. Catharsis.
Thank you, Mr Tim, for delivering this speech. It reaches right into my heart, not just mind. Therefore, changes happen from within.
2:50 They play the unsatisfying relationship to be negative and have someone to dump their negativity into. They are not honest with themselves or that unsatisfying partner. It's lashing out unfairly for passive-aggressive reasons due to that complainers' trauma lash out style.
Wonderful story which as a muslim i have heard countless times great to know you included it in your lecture! Great narration about our Almighty Allah Subhaan' a wa T'alah
17:22 Thank you. Great information.
Your talks are worth every ad ❤😊
I’ve gathered enough bad experiences yet lessons to say that anyone who is abusive, disrespectful, selfish and even who has addiction needs to be alone or they’ll bring down and destroy with them anyone around them. Someone who wants to change needs to make that decision on their own and for themselves and then they should have the luxury of a loving partner and family. This comes from someone empathetic who’s had a savior complex 😅. Lesson learned. It is wayyy to risky to allow these kinds of people into your life, your job is to protect yourself ❤
To day in general you have to remember to set boundaries by walking away fysically or psychologically.
Amazing Christian storey and outlook giving hope and restoring trust in God, thank you so much 🙏 ❤
I pray you recover from the spiritual gaslighting. Best of luck on your healing journey
I think sometimes you don't know how much you are hurting. You forget that relationships should make you feel better and help you to thrive. If you have never experienced this, it's very hard to take action early enough
What about those who are in their late 50’s who want to stay in recovery who want to leave, but can’t because they have no friends, no money or place to go?
I am in my 40's and in that same spot.
Same39
Emergency accomodation, womens/mens shelters, rent a room instead of a house, save pennies secretly until you go ( new bank account the partner is unaware of). Do not tell partner your plans, they will be sabotaged or you may be harmed. Try to act consistently to your partner so they dont suspect. Start investing in you....learn a hobby, do an online course, apply for jobs that are remote or live in positions. I hope any of these suggestions help. Life is too short to waste.
Wish more folks addressed this unique female problem.
This is where I am. Early 50s and complex reasons why it’s impossible for me to leave, financial, medical, etc….
This is excellent!
This is so good and much needed❤❤❤ points confirmed all of my thoughts
I live in the outback. 92km from neighbour. At least it makes it difficult for him to cheat. Few choices for me and moving is complicated. Life can be tough here and you really need a partner to survive. But ive learned if i love but refuse to care, it seems to work. He is actually improving but still has these total avoidance chapters. I used to be pathetically too present. Im not easy either.
Caring seems to be what they take advantage of.
Thank you these lectures are awesome and help me. You have brought me closer to God by making sense of Jesus too.
Love but not care . That's exactly how I deal ( dealt) with it as well. I'm so tired of being numb.
6:13 “Non-negotiable terms.”
I can remember every detail of the abuses, both physical and verbal. As long as I followed all the rules things we ok. Not there when I needed him. Control from the beginning but not aware of it. He has been seeing his ex. When he visits his 50 year old kids…every year for four to six weeks. Last three of his visits to Mississippi….he has lied hundreds of times. Moved his accounts out of state, guess where ? Ha. He said he was afraid of what I would do, because of his first wife
This was so profound. Both the first and second part was a masterpiece story. Thank you Tim!
I love your speeches and teaches Mr tim!
I was going to the woods to make an end to it. After so much trauma in my life and being with 2 narcissists and the last being a counselloer using her skills to manipulate me I had enough. I contacted my mum and her counselling board because I had the rope ready. I was about to sell all of my goods and give the money to my mother and I wouldn't be here any longer.
My family live in Holland and I didn't get any support from them. They're also too far away.
I wrote my life story to the counselling board about my past. My self worth was low so by writing my life story it made me realise how strong I was and what type of man I was.too. destroying all the hateful and degrading things they would say and do. She was a covert narcissist.
My first ex cheated on me constantly and nearly killed us both when she grabbed the steering wheel on the motorway going 70mph flipping the car multiple times.
I've had enough of toxic women
Omg 😮 You have been thru hell and back! So inspiring to read that you recognize your own goodness! Thank you for sharing
narcissistic people are the devil’s children.
This video makes me happy to see that Tim has incorporated the Bible in relationship awareness. God has been my refuge in so many trials in my life. He has seen me through them all. Praise His Name. He works in all of our lives, you only need to turn to Him and His Son in all life’s situations. He will make it all work together for our good and His Glory.
Thank you for this enlightening and encouraging great video all I can say at the moment is wow!🌟
Steve, we know you know you are not going to stealth there. But saying that with a straight face had me laughing instantly. Left a huge smile in my heart. Still deeply tickled. Lol !
Wow. My relationship is f*cked. Thank you for the clarity.
So is mine 😢
This is great information. Thank you! ❤
If one person is working and the other one refuses to, it goes nowhere. Ok. I am going to be in a situation where I was abandoned after 17 years, and his daughter got him an apartment I can visit 4 days a week. Where will I go the other 3 days is my question. He and his kid made their choice. He would rather Play house with her than have a real household with me. I get it. I do love him with all my heart, he showed who he wants to be with.
Until I started addressing my own cptsd i attracted narcissistic women one after another. I finally learned to establish strict boundaries. 1 strike, out
Excellent talk ❤! Thank you 🙏
BRILLIANT!! 👏👏👏
I accepted all the lies,cheating and emotional abuse because I wanted my marriage.I thought a forgiving wife would one day see the change and happy to have stayed.Guess what???? After almost 19 years,no change occurred and all the toxic behaviors got worse.My ex-husband changed me and I could've even recognize myself.I had to accept that he never loved me and that I didn't love myself enough.I am so sorry to read so many going through the same heartbreak 💔 I know I would never be the same but I also believe one day I would have the chance to help someone in the exact same position.
A non negotiable for me is if he is following attractive women on social media and likes their photos. I have found from a previous relationship that it is quite impossible to get over these things in the dating phase. Currently I am tying to find some excuses because we only dated once.
Not sure if this is an exaggeration... but it hurt me in the past
If you're not going to be adult enough to bring it up to him... perhaps simply ask him "why" he's liking those posts...asking "are these ladies friends?"...Whatever...then tossing this man is on you.
I'm mentioning this because I had the exact same problem with my ex of 3 years.
I won't get into the grisly details of that mess, but I'm telling ya...if I ever meet another man I like, and I see that behavior, it's getting addressed IMMEDIATELY.
They damaged us nice, eh?
This is spot on and helpful! ❤
Love the explanation of the bible story 🎉🎉🎉
Priceless. Thank you! ❤
21:20 this! 22:37 Over and over with the crisis management
Hi Heidi, how's your day going with you?
breaking up with an abusive person when you have kids is not the best choice because than that abusive person (Narcissist) will have the kids all to themselves and will twist your children against you! Drag you down still and destroy you worse!
Blue Skies That happened to me too. It’s a horrible thing to do to children too.
So true it happened to me pure evil brainwashing was done to mine
@@CMoore8539 I certainly wasn't going to stay but he still did damage
I ended a marriage of 27 years that included 5 kids...only 2 were minors at the time of the divorce, but they are all very aware of their father's NPD behavior and look out for each other.
I was so damaged from the relationship that i realized there could be no change.I gave up all my rights in so i had to leave.
2 years of no change, of an 8 year relationship. I know it needs to end, it isn't as easy as one would like it to be. I know it needs to end. I'm healthier, I want to grow in my own mental health. It has become a one way street. I will have to go no contact.
Hi Bonnie, how's your day going with you?
When you talk to someone they might pretend they have changed out of fear for loosing you and not out of real love. Fear is not love. Fear is attachment based and love is free. Very different.
So inspiring thank you
Hi Angela, how's your day going with you?
It's human nature to resent someone trying to control you every move. Eventually you have to between being as much of a fake person as they are. ND LOSING YOUR OWN IDENTITY IN THE PROCESS and walkin g on egg shells , intimidation and fear. They dont want yoh, but dont want anyone else to have you. They are not the o ly one out there like that. There are many of the same types.
that is so spot on
Was in a relationship with my girlfriend had 2 kids she went on an adult weekend ended up sleeping with a man who's wife was 9 months pregnant was such a shock to me as I didn't see it coming roll on a year and a half later I lost my gramp who was the closest person to me I went to a very dark place she soon started going out more ended up doing stuff with another man I had a gut feeling at the time I didn't know we sorted things out 4 months later I found out and I literally cannot get passed what she did she blames me for both times she did it I'm such a fool but have held it for the sake of my kids as my upbringing was from a very broken home and I didn't want this for my kids I can't trust her anymore and my heart knows it's time to let go
Don't stay with her, you never feel the same about her, cut yours lossers and move on. Don't waste your life on her.