Couples That Do These Things Take the Longest to Heal
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 มี.ค. 2018
- Samuel shares examples of some of the worst things to do in the recovery process.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
For the unfaithful person to keep telling lies, changing around the story + blaming. A person like this isn't truly sorry + wants no accountability for what they've done.
Absolutely
All of a sudden the unfaithful person cant remember how convenient
This was a great video. We've been watching your videos for a while now and I see some of the things both of us are doing in here. Thank you for continuing to put this material out there, it's a lifeline.
you're very welcome. glad it's helped and that you're here with us.
I love this video. My spouse hasn’t given full disclosure yet and it’s been since November 2018. The toxic arguments led me to finding better ways to do things and have been able to stop arguing back with him. It’s finally catching on but things really aren’t better.
I hope it gets better soon ❤️
I’m in a similar situation. Did you find the help you needed?
Samuel, I do not know how these videos come up in my feed but it seems like when I’m having a particular issue with my unfaithful spouse the answer just shows up in my feed and the video is there for me! I cannot thank you enough for all the help you and your group gives me on a daily basis. Good news is that she watches the videos with me and we are working on recovery which is progressing nicely. Our 41year relationship looks like it will continue on thanks to you guys!!
This comment made me smile. I’m truly happy for you Stephen, I’m hopeful my husband and I will get to this point of reconciliation. Cheers to love and restoration.
This video has been so beneficial. I enjoy every one of them. After so much denial and lies when the truth is told I don’t know what to believe. Thanks for putting this kind of information out there and yes you are so correct about general therapy. Its just not deep enough . Also I would have loved to hear your wife’s side of you all’s story .
Samuel it’s all so true. Even thought I done the work all alone I can connect to most things you said.
Thank you for this.
Again, you and Samantha’s experiences have helped me heal. So thank you.
you're very welcome. i'm so glad you're here michele.
Commit to the process 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽. To build momentum to get to the other side.
Samuel what does the betrayed spouse do if the unfaithful refuses to own his choices? I’m being faced with a failed polygraph and professional forensics on phone, computer, and iPad. All that in front of us and he still is saying it wasn’t me someone else must have done those things. I’m at the point that for my recovery I feel I need to leave. Not admitting or owning his choices keeps me stuck in this horrible state of mind. Please help.
hi ellen. i'm so sorry. that's a huge red flag. to stay in denial in all of those things is cruel and definitely a sign that he's not healthy. i can't be your therapist on here obviously and i wouldn't want to tell you what to do....however, that being said, all the signs are there that you should be concerned for your own well being psychologically and emotionally.
It’s definitely not a good thing with the unfaithful party want to dictate how the recovery goes. By trying to control how you react or respond such as asking endless questions, if you cry or lash out. But I understand that part about lashing out. But how about letting the betray partner get it out at least once. Damn it. Then get on the road to recovery.
This is good stuff. You can’t learn as a couple if only one is doing the work. And that is a fact
Your a Blessing 🙏💕
My relationship has all but 1 of the traits you listed. Upon discovering this channel I was filled with so much hope & well.... relief. To finely hear someone else confirm all the thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing for over 2 years now.
But after watching this video, not so much.
Don’t get me wrong, your channel is doing amazing things and you should be very proud of how many countless couples you have helped and will help. Well done & keep up the good work 👍🏻 Thank you 🙏🏻
Since I posted this comment, my partner has watched a few of your videos and at least agrees with most of what is said. I’m so relieved, now at least I’m hopeful 👐🏻
This was a fantastic video and 99% applies to our current situation!! You're the greatest Sam. Thank you for all of your great content!!
Can there ever be intimacy after an affair? I don’t know how to even think about my husband touching me again
there absolutely can. here is an interview Rick did a while back about it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/rekindling-desire-sex-after-affair there is a video, then an audio interview towards the end of the page as well. hope that helps you my friend.
I feel the same way. I can't stand for him to touch me anymore even though I don't say anything. I could honestly do without it ever happening again. I'm not sure how much longer I can stay in this kind of marriage.
In the same boat... it’s SO PAINFUL, I’ve felt like dying so many times I’ve lost count... life doesn’t feel worth living at times, what’s the point?
@@frankie5072 if you feel you are a threat to yourself, you need to call the suicide hotline asap by going here: 1-800-273-8255, please take care!
@@frankie5072 we need to learn to live more for ourselves. I don't want to let another person's mistake ruin my life.
Hello I need to know the protocol for follow to try to fix the situation.
As a betrayed we are in the first thing where my spouse still is seeing the Affair Partner. We both are aware until this stops we will not be able to start recovery. He seems to be dictating recovery. Im am starting work on myself but sometimes I feel like I am enabling the affair. Please help.
how about in countries where infidelity experts are not available, what do we do...these videos are the best we can get our hands on...
our online courses are great helps for you both. you can find them here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses i know it will take sacrifice with time changes and what not but it's the next best thing. and our free bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
What kind of counseling do I seek for us
Samuel, can you please send the "time out" protocol. Thank you
My partner keeps saying that I must not stress about his actions. I must allow myself to be happy and not stress about his decisions.
Hi Samuel , is there a program that just the betrayed can join to get help to heal ? I am tired of waiting for my unfaithful spouse to join with me in counselling. Well, he have not had made the full disclosure , which also says that I am still stressed guessing
yes, it's called harboring hope and it's exceptional. you can find it here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i think you'll find it to be exactly what you're looking for.
Im the unfaithful spouse. Its been 3 months since full disclosure. Im in counseling but my husband is not. Things are generally good as far as how we interact and he obviously cares about our marriage. Although he doesn't feel like things are getting any better and isnt ready to get help himself cause he's still at the "this is your doing and I shouldnt have to suffer because your mistake" stage. I know couples counseling will be a huge help and an EMS weekend would be ideal but he just isnt ready for any of it. He's told me to give him time.. so should I do just that? Give him time and work on myself. Im nervous that he will eventually resent me but he's assured me that he wont.
since he's never been down this road before, he doesn't really know what he will or will not do. it's a bit of an uncertain future, and at some level, we the unf have to accept that as we put ourselves in that situation. i would do as much work as you can on you right now, and be patient. however, i would have some boundaries in the situation that says, if he doesn't get help or agree to get infidelity specific help by a certain time, that you won't go past that. maybe a couple months but not much longer. the fact is, he's dealing with his own pain and he's not sure how to handle it and to not deal with it, will create great uncertainty. so maybe give it a couple months, continue to work on you, but maybe by may if he's not ready to get some help, you're going to have to tell him that you're not willing to just float by and that you'll do it together, not just let him 'get help' on his own. see if he will do the free bootcamp together with you first, in the privacy of your own home: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
It takes both of you to get through something like this and worked together as a team and slowly things will get better as long both are willing to work things out. Just be completely honest with him and prove to him that you willing to do anything for him and be truly sorry for your actions. I was the cheater in my relationship to but 5 years later we are stronger than we ever was before. He also has to own up to his mistakes to because something drove to cheat on him and he might not even realize what he did wrong sometimes we have to point it out not put the blame him but why you did it. If he did nothing wrong in this thats a different thing
@@crystalabitz154 He might have done something that hurt you but cheating was your choice. Your husband was not part of your choice. You had options to solve your problems with him. It isnt your husband's fault why you cheated. You chose it. Im sorry I just had to point that out because making someone also responsible for your choices and not raking full accountability of your actions will not heal the situation. The unfaithful need to understand the gravity and depth of pain they caused to the betrayed. The unfaithful need to take FULL responsibility and do whatever it takes to restore trust for healing to take place. And healing will happen not on the unfaithful's terms. The unfaithful wants to fix the situation right away so they would feel better but it doesnt work that way. Someone is hurting deeply and you caused it. You have no idea how much pain a betrayal could cause someone. If you just know how it feels and is truly remorseful, you will allow your spouse to grieve as long as he needs even if it takes years.
Is not giving away the phone access part of setting boundaries?
Samuel - how do my husband and I see you personally? We live in CA. If we attend an EMS weekend or whatever they are, can we book personal counseling to save our marriage?
hi there. you're very kind. yes i'm at almost all the weekends. i can see you there. we can talk about the weekends and how to get you both expert care at samuel@hope-now.com
Please make a video on boundaries to set for the betrayed. Thank You.
Dearest... I am by far not healthy yet but I have learned this if I may share. Boundaries that are set are your boundaries not theirs. For example... I need to see your phone at any time, and you can see mine. when you raise your voice I am going to take a 30 min time out. The thing about boundaries is you have to enforce them or they do no good. I still can’t do it because my spouse says.... ok then we will just not talk! No value for me with the hubs. It’s tricky but that’s how we gain ourselves back because someone who values you respects your boundaries.
What kind of boundaries can I do please ?
are you an unfaithful or are you betrayed? what are you looking to boundary against my friend?
My partner & I aren’t married however I was unfaithful & she keeps going through the motions of she loves me but doesn’t want to put herself through the recovery process. 2 weeks ago we agreed to do therapy & we left on a good note I thought we were in a good place the next day she made an appointment with a trauma therapist who handles grieve for the loss of her grandpa & I came up & she was given a lot of opinions about me saying I’ll continue only to hurt her & she needs to trust my actions & at a year in we should be in the honey moon phase & that she needs to really decide if she wants to do this.. she’s been taking space from me but her actions are making me feel like she still loves me but then she’ll tell me she can’t forgive me she won’t be able to get past it & now she said she’s going to start rebounding to eventually get over me.. we live together.. she’s sleeping in a separate room. What do I do?
be patient. highly normal. trauma goes up and down, sideways, backwards and hurts like hell. her actions are not going to make sense or be able to be interpreted for a while and it's normal. i'm not saying subject yourself to abuse or what not, but be patient. she probably doesn't even know what she's feeling half the time. i would continue to get the best help possible and trust the process to help guide you through this.
Okay. She keeps getting triggered and wants me to answer questions we’ve already talked about from before & it makes her angry all over again. When she starts to pull away from me again after spiraling down is it best I give her space? I find when I do she starts telling me it’s clear I don’t care etc etc but when I try to talk to her when she’s spiraling she says really mean & hurtful things & I just say ‘okay..I understand.. you’re right..’ so I’ve been keeping my distance but idk if that’s what I should do.
@@carmensilva3599 it's very unpredictable how the triggers and reminders come. i get it. it's best to get help asap. have you considered harboring hope which opens today? you can find it here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope it's tough...sometimes she may want space to heal, and sometimes she may want you closer. but, sometimes she doesn't even know what she wants. have you watched the videos on trauma with MJ as they will help explain what's feeling.
@carmensilva3599 that's exactly me. Doing all the things u mentioned she did. But this post has been 4 years old. Did it work out well for you guys?
How do I find a good recovery specialist in my area?
it's tough, but i would search their sites and i would also read about their experience. you may consider interviewing them over the phone if they let you as well and asking questions like have they been through infidelity before, how long have they treated it, what certifications and training do they have in the area etc. i would also consider our courses or weekend as if you attend the weekend intensive you may be able to work with one of them after.
I understand humility BUT it’s kinda hard taking advice from some 27 yr old who’s never been married and is gonna counsel me on infidel ity
If you have been married for more than 30 years and cant imagine living without your wife but she's had affair for the duration of your marriage and refuses to apologize or even attempt to come clean. What should I do?
I have adored her and been the best husband possible.
Please give me some advice, I feel as if she's not sorry for anything and its killing me literally and figuratively. Thank you,
Broken Hearted
i would ask her to do something like our ems weekend and then make decisions after that. without the help of expert third parties, I fear it would be very difficult to get her to see through things and find clarity. with the right help, it's more than possible my friend.
Samuel...i make too much for financial assistance but could never afford EMS weekend. I also doubt he would go. How do I find a qualifier person to work with? I have a therapist. He does not get all of this at all, let's just say. It is all about when are you going to get a clue, develop better boundaries, and ditch this loser. 27 months, running the both of us together, never hid it. Seems unable to not feel the need to respond to the manipulation (suicide threats) of the AP. She "needs" him. I am the 'strong" one. We will beo together in the end, till we die. He is "committed" to our relationship. I have seen him for 3 minutes in ten days. We were engaged, together three years, knew each other seven, when he did this. I am still his fiance to him. We are not young. He is 56. I am 60. AP is 49. No particular superior qualities, let's just leave it at that.
Randy Sr. Wow I’m so sorry to hear this.
Randy Sr. I am SO very sorry you find yourself in this situation.
What is the time out protocol?
As a betrayed my husband has agreed to go to counseling but he still thinks that our connection is not there and I feel that he wants to be out of the marriage just because he wants to be single, and because we have agreed in the past that we were going to start a family. I think he also has contacted again the affair partner again but this person doesn’t even live anymore in same country as we’re. I want to stage boundaries next week in our counseling session how can I do it? I want to tell him to stop all communication with affair. I don’t know to show him consequences to him because he seems already like he’s ready to let me go . Please help
difficult questions my friend. i think you have to ask yourself what you need to feel safe. safety may mean no contact with the ap. however, safety may mean committing to a process for a few months. maybe you don't discuss the ap as that could get him focusing on other things, rather than your safety.......maybe the better discussion is asking him to commit to do a course on our site, or getting expert help and not making any decisions until a certain date. boundaries also include not sleeping in the same bed, or separating, etc etc. here are a couple articles/videos to help with enforcing your boundaries: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change
I am looking for a therapist right know ( my husband had an emotional affair) but I not sure how to find the right one.
How do I go about messaging you?
May i please have this time out plan...
sure, here is the timeout protocol we use for couples: s3.amazonaws.com/media.affairrecovery.com/docs/Time-out+Protocol_AffairRecovery.com.pdf
Overcoming Infidelity thank you
What is the healthy response to a betrayed spouse that starts to have thier own affair? I am committed, but she is on the path of " Since you did, I will too" Can we ever heal if she seeing others now-Willingly. I need help!
i would say to her that two wrongs never make a right....and ask her to reconsider and get help first. if she gets help and then wants to act out, then sure go ahead. ask her if she will do our ems weekend first before she does it. you can find that here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
It not wrong he’s fruit cups is the pants the one who started the ferret deserve all the blame especially when they cheat on you doing chemo
How can we help our teen children forgive the unfaithful step parent?
i would consult a family therapist as it's a tough walk. it's possible, but it takes steps and experts to help provide objectivity my friend.
Hey samuel, my boyfriend and me are going through a really rough time. We really want professionell help but we can't take it, because we are in a Long distance relationship.. is there any way we can still attend couple therapy? I'm going to Therapy myself but obv my boyfriend can't go with me. I would be glad to get an answer.. have a nice day
you can take any of our courses on our website using a scholarship application here my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request I don't know of any therapy you can do that is free or on scholarship though. i'm sorry i can't help more with that.
Iam the betrayed spouse and my husband said he gave up on everything being where it needed to be and Is having a hard time coming back from giving up on me. How do I help him come back from giving up on me we are going to counseling. We both work in the same place and his affair partner works there as well. I just want my husband to come back from giving up on me. How do I help him? He still has communication with the affair partner at work because he doesnt have a choice he has to talk with her when its work related.
hi there. he actually (and i mean this graciously) needs to help himself. he needs to do recovery work. he needs to take initiative. he needs to be doing things like this. our online course will help him immensely: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing also, you both should consider the ems weekend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend working with an ap is crazy tough, but possible for a short while, but not always for a long while. i would ask him to do some of the things i've mentioned asap so you both can gain ground and do recovery work from an expert source and he can manage his own recovery work.
Sam you're the best. What about the things said in disclosure were lies and then u found out through another disclosure two years later the real truth? Basically lying about what they disclosed?
Samuel as a betrayed spouse how do I deal with not being good enough for my husband and he is blaming me for his affair it's all my fault and it's my problem how do I deal with this and work through this
I'm so sorry my friend. 1. it's not your fault, he chose to cheat, you didn't make him cheat. it was his choice. 2. You not being good enough isn't the truth my friend. There are struggles he's obviously dealing with and he had a litany of other things he could have done besides cheat. 3. it's going to require expert help. you both need experts to help you walk through a focused and proven plan. how open is he to getting help?
@@samshealingpodcast he refuses to get any help
What was ur first step in recovery that helped u open up and talk about it
finding someone who was an expert, compassionate and patient with samantha and i.
@@samshealingpodcast thank u but where would I look to find one
@@alexacevedo8534 give our ems weekend a chance my friend. it's exactly what you need: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend you can also look in your area and look for a therapist that specializes in infidelity.
im the betrayed were together 4 years married almost 2 he cheated the month of our 1st anniversary so my wedding feels like a BLACK hole i took every wedding picture and anything to do with our wedding and burried it pictures ect i cant even plan our calenders past june iam dredding the upcoming months that lead to our 2nd anniversary i want nothing to do with it i don't even want to be here evenit happens how do i get past this...we are in counceling
What if she doesn't want full disclosure? Or details?
If she doesn't want disclosure or details then don't give it to her, respect her wish however still be accountable for what happened. Reassure her that you are working towards reconciliation and you have strategies in place to not disrespect her again, you are getting help too. Make sure your actions and behavior match your words.
Often a woman will have a hard time with her self esteem afterwards, like she is not good enough, how come it happened if you said you loved her, how come she didn't listen to her intuition, etc... she is now probably grieving and I hope she finds help to deal with the betrayal trauma she experienced.
What exactly does full disclosure look like?
here is a video that should explain it for you. i'm not sure if it's a free one on the site or not: www.affairrecovery.com/groups/harboring-hope/qa-hh-what-does-full-disclosure-affair-look-practically
good question
Chris Reynolds you tell me everything I want to know. For different people it’s going to be different extent. Some will want details, others won’t. No lying, no hiding behind “I don’t remember “, no half truths. That’s across the board.
Samuel, please answer my question if you can. My husband had sex with many foreign woman for more than 5 years, got himself stuck in a sex spell for the same number of years until our pastor helped him and has contracted herpes simplex which he has to live with the rest of his life. Samuel, can you please tell me how to forgive such a man and carry on living the rest of my life with him knowing that he is carrying some other woman's sexual diseases?
hi there. i'm so so sorry. i know it hurts and is awful. i would suggest starting to do work on your own to heal and to get the help you need for grieving and forgiving. without grief work, it's very hard to get to genuine forgiveness. have you been able to get any help professionally? there is a course on our site i would start as well here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
She's told me flat out that she doesn't respect me and can only respect people that are respectable. I pointed out how I have no reason to be cordial or civil or kind to her aside from for the reasons of the kids but yet despite all the pain inflicted and insult and resistance I remain respectful in how I treat and talk to her. Beyond respect I also show being thoughtful of and towards her. She hasn't reached a point (or at least shared to me) that she has any guilt or shame or regret to what she's doing. The only "regret" she's shared is regret for how long she "tried to make it work" "gave up her twenties" "didn't leave sooner". I can't find it in me to do what is in my power to enforce boundaries or consequences for fear of her lashing out worse and being or making the already difficult situation even worse. We still live together and she refuses to leave and I also refuse to leave. She wants to sell the house and take her half but she's never once in her life ever had to solely provide for herself... She's aways had roommates or lived with her parents and now she feels entitled to sell the home we live in that comfortably and affordably houses our children and us and have me foot any of her own living expenses that she wouldn't be able to take care of herself and she doesn't seem to realize there is literally no place at this current or foreseeable market that either of us could afford on our own that would provide even comparably to what is currently provided. It's not just the financial aspects that have me in such despair and desire to repair things, it's the potential of court making decisions for our kids instead of us, doing the whole score keeping he said she said he did she did back and forth toxicity in court or mediation, it's the breaking of a home and the damage to the kids that we both already know from what happened with my older kids and previous ex and that was over 14 years ago. I just don't feel she's really thought it through and she's had no reason to really reconsider or change her course because she hasn't in my opinion or observation had to deal with or feel any negative consequences. I still allow myself to be whatever she wants or needs of me and I know that's my bad. If I'm to take the lead and show my strength or masculinity I know I need to stop being tolerant and submissive and showing any neediness or inability to move on or walk away. But I keep thinking about the kids and trying to protect them and not making her more of a monster or turning myself into a monster or becoming someone that isn't who I know myself to be at my core.
So the Betrayed loses and you have to kiss the Unfaithful Butt 🤔