I feel betrayed all over again when I’m asking questions like I’m walking on eggshells and get half sugar coated truths it literally enrages me beyond the initial devastation because it’s like he is protecting their relationship from me still
@Ashley Norton, I totally agree. The minimization is worse than the affair itself. They don't realize it feels like they are still keeping us on the outside of their precious relationship with the AP. They need to have enough respect for us at this point to tell us the whole truth. BTW, if that's your picture, you are absolutely gorgeous. I can only imagine he totally affaired down. My husband certainly did.
True.. That's what happening to me.. He is protecting his mistress so I will not attack her I just need to be quiet.. He never calls me in a day and it's too abvious he comes home same timing but I knew he left work earlier.
I am so sorry... As a husband that has been that man that has hurt you in the way that has been done, I'm sorry. I miss my wife so bad.. I lied, tried to be better, and lied again, and it's been hard.. my wife just found about my affairs and infidelity and betrayal and... I'm sorry for this hurt pain and despair I've cause us... I miss my wife and want to see the future I seeing us.. God I messed up...😢
This was my ex-wife. We recently divorced, exactly two months shy of what would've been our thirteenth wedding anniversary. I confirmed at least two emotional affairs from guys sliding into her tiktok dm's. Also confirmed that she met one of these guys in person after our divorce. My suspicions were aroused when she started taking multiple "girls trips", but would not provide the full names of whom she was traveling with, nor would she provide exactly where she was going. She told me that she felt that i didn't need all of that information. One of the final straws was doing the phone exchange test. I opened my phone and tossed it to her, she flat out refused to unlock hers, and even told me I had no right to see what was on her phone. That was the final nail in the coffin.
They refuse to give details, because they're still lying about something..How could it possible hurt me more knowing the truth? Than knowing I've been betrayed ?
Thank you I so agree with you. My wife cheated online with some guy in a open world video game. Although it was not physical, but mentally and emotionally it still hurt the same. So after 17 years together i ask her for the truth, i though i deserved it. She keeps saying it wasn't like that. That is BS. She engaged in intimate exchanges with this person while i worked all day and our children were in the house with someone from Canada. We live in the States. I just wanted the truth..i still don't have it..We are separating. My 10yr. old is devastated.
The details will haunt you and result in so many more triggers in your environment. Instead of seeking details surrounding their actions, ask for details regarding why they transgressed, what were they looking for.
@@Natedoc808 not knowing will cause your brain to fill in the gaps, and will be worse than knowing the truth. Unfaithfulness is keeping secrets from your spouse. If you did it, you have to own it fully, if you want to work on getting the relationship into recovery.
I want him to tell me that he did it tha it wasn’t all talk I mean you gonna plan on what you are gonna do and where they are gone be and then all of a sudden you don’t do it ok ya well that’s why I am making him take a lie detector test
Impotent rage. You don't know what to do with them. Love them, punch them, scream until you're hoarse. You want to release all the anger and hurt, but you can't. It's like an anchor on your soul you carry around with you daily.
@THMHIGHGOTME same here. I'm destroyed. He has taken a double-edged sword and shoved it in my back through my heart and twisted it around over and over.
I’m a professional who has dealt with this from a Christian perspective for over 40 years and I think Samuel didn’t address perhaps, in my view, the most important dynamic on this subject. In virtually all instances I dealt with, the betrayed partner wants to know every single detail of the sexual part of the affair. Without getting too graphic, they want to know the particulars of the sexual experiences. What did he/she do with the affair partner that hasn’t been a part of their sex life?? Often, I’ve found that in affairs, people very often cross boundaries that existed in the sexual relationship that they had with their partner. I’d love to see what Samuel thinks here. I think that often the unfaithful partner thinks that their partner would only hurt more knowing the particulars. It also could be that they’re downright ashamed of some of the particulars. My advice is to tell them EVERYTHING they want to know. What they imagine could be more hurtful than the actual facts. I’d love to see how some of you feel. I can tell you that if it were me, I’d want to know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.🤔
I asked my husband about the times he did it after the first time and he told me. But then I was furious he hadn't lied and said it was only one occasion. I had so many more images stuck in my head to overcome. And if he'd told me that white lie I would never have found out the truth later.
I'm the other partner in an adulterous relationship. I feel myself that my partner ( the unfaithful) , has not divulged specifics to his spouse. And yes, he is absolutely positive that she will not accept him and his inner desires. He has approached her about her inability to talk about some of their issues and of course in a bid to save her marriage ( which btw I do not blame her one bit) , she has told him she will try to change and she does make the effort but as it goes with all of us, she is not motivated enough for herself. She believes that she can just putter along and go the route that she has always followed and I honestly think she believes he will stay. They've seen two counselors at his request and he told me he had to drag her to both. One of them told him that if he ever tries to leave she will make his life a total misery. I love him dearly, we've been together off and on now for 7 yrs., we can't seem to give each other up. He's a good man caught in a difficult situation and I doubt he will ever leave her during to the family repercussions and I understand that. I honestly think most people assume that all unfaithful spouses are bad and that the people they cheat with are bad too. Well, I'm hear to tell you that we're just caught up in something that we couldn't deny and neither of us want to hurt thos woman but we are. And it goes on, she's caught him twice and this is now our third chapter, what I would like to know is why anyone would want to stay after finding out their partner cheated at least twice? And why do I stay, perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I'm suffering from a self- esteem issue, do I usually seek out men with partners, no. This man is honestly the best man I have met and if she really doesn't want him, I certainly do.
@lisagibbs5398 No judgment here. Been there. As I got older, I realized that what he told me bout their marriage, wasn't the whole truth. Why does his wife stay? Well it likely has something to do with what he is telling her about you. Lies. He has painted a very interesting picture for you that makes him seem like a victim.. 1. He drug HER to counseling. 2. She is frigid, and can't have fun in bed. 3. He can't leave, because a person in power, the therapist said said she will make his life (and therefore yours) miserable. It's a nice tidy scenario. I think he is not being truthful with you, either. I think he is likely a slick smooth talker. He probably tells her that you chased him. That he is afraid that if he doesn't treat you with kid gloves, you'll ruin his business/go over the edge/tell his mother/bribe him for mone, etc. It took me a long time to wake up and realize that I was being lied t about what was happening in their marriage.
She turned me into an obsessed resentful shadow of myself. I hated her 24/7. She gaslighted me into thinking I was crazy. I had so much evidence and she managed to destroy me. The infidelity was heartbreaking. But denying me closure was a permanent scar in my soul. I've moved on, but I'll never be the same. There will always be chapter in my life that can't be closed
After 12 years of him denying everything and then getting caught again last year again! And making me feel like I was the crazy one! The relationship is over. People that cheat always try to blame the victims for what they do, and try to come out the victims themselves. I have no sympathy for cheaters they are people that use everyone around them. Thank God I finally opened my eyes! May God Bless him and help his next victim.
Nothing like being cheated on by a narcissistic man. He’ll just give you a lie after being caught. He will put on an incredible show and say he’s telling you the whole truth so you close the page and move on. After a few weeks you will find out they left vital information out and you’ll realize you can’t believe a word they say. On top of this the narcissist will try to blame you and gaslight you for their own behavior.
Really not just men, dealing with this EXACT situation with my possibly soon to be ex wife now. Worst part for me is that I NEVER spoke about our relationship with friends, and it turns out my 'wife' has been giving a VERY bias opinion on our relationship to everyone that wants to listen. Missing out all her bad parts of course.
I needed this video. My spouse made me feel like I was a crazy creepy perv for asking for details. All i wanted was to be able to process, heal and even see where I could improve myself so that she would not need to look for someone else. I feel that holding the truth from a betrayed is more damaging to trust than the original betrayal as it makes you wonder if they are still doing it.
After 20 years of asking and getting told I was a perv for wanting to know so I could heal, she got mad and told me the affair continued after we got back together. This all came about after one day the question entered my mind to ask, how did it end? I kept pushing for 20 years and 2 weeks ago she told me the affair continued but she still refuses to give me the details. She also told me that she had conversations about me, but she refuses to tell me anything about the other man.
I’m feeling this right now. How can I truly heal and move forward if I don’t know WHY he did this. To me, to us! And how can I ever trust his words if he won’t be honest with me.
You aren’t ruined. Good for you for leaving! I left my ex husband and it wasn’t easy! However, I have no regrets. Trying to make it work was miserable! You’ll make it to the other side. Sending you love!
I don't understand this desire to "fix" all broken things. in my case.... She cheated, she got caught, she was gone. Just that easy, just that quick, and just that final. Doubt and mistrust are like a cancer. Tell me this, where does your mind go the first time she says, "it is Suzy from accountings birthday, we are taking her out to celebrate on Friday after work". Personally, I can not live like that.... so I tossed my gem and never looked back. BTW, that was probably the best decision of my life. IMHO, cheating is the ultimate form of disrespect... it can not, and should not be forgiven.
My husband took time to remember so he could tell as much as possible. It actually has helped with the healing & forgiving. It also has helped in rebuilding trust. It helped stop my imagination from going wild and I could finally start processing everything. It took us about 10 months to get to this point, but it was what I needed to make my choice to stay and work on our new life together.
your timeline still gives me hope. I am at month 8 and still ONLY know the details which I found on my own...he has added one fact only...how they met...the rest he says he either can't remember or doesn't want to talk about it....that just isn't good enough for me.
Know a couple well, who, fifteen years later, say that they are very glad they worked hard to repair their relationship, and are much happier than they have ever been.
Morgan Falk, my hubby denied everything to my face even I have the evidences. I keep thinking to myself to stay with him 2 more years for my son’s sake. It is only 2 weeks since I found out and it is killing me so I don’t think I can stick around another 2 years.
It's funny they think telling you something would be the deal breaker. In my situation, the fact that she wouldn't tell me ended up being the deal breaker. She basically said her needs superceded mine
I wanted to know everything.so he answered whatever i asked. This man, the man I trusted with my whole heart...he betrayed me. How the hell am I supposed to believe his answers. It seems to me he says what he thinks I want to hear. All I feel is pain, mistrust, betrayal, anger...have i missed any emotion?
@@mojavekaye2108 no you have not. It's been almost 2 months since I found out my wife had been having an affair with this guy for almost 3 years. She even introduced him to me as a friend. She brought him around our kids. While I was out busting my ass 14-15 hours a day, she was talking to him everyday. He fell in love with her. She ended the affair and we are working things out but the fact that she wont tell me details about what happened does keep me up at night. I'll wake up at times in the middle of the night and have difficulty going back to sleep. I see that she's really trying and putting in an effort to make this work but it's like...dude!!! You know what I mean?
masterexploder213 I know exactly what you mean. It's like you can't stand to think of what they did and it kills you to picture her doing these things with someone else, yet you HAVE to know everything. I too am working it out with my husband, and it's been quite a ride. Some days are great, he's treating me like a queen. But will I EVER get the image of this man, who swore before God to love me and only me til death do we part, will I ever get it out of my head, what he did? I have to try. He's told me everything. Still, it kills me to think of him giving to someone else what he swore to me and only me. But I do love him. And he loves me. So, we are working hard on it. No, it's not easy. Nothing worth keeping ever is. Good luck to you. I wish you the best. Hang in there!
@@はII I know the feeling, it's been a year since I found out about my husband's affairs. He was with so many women and one for 6 years and sex chatted with over 30 . It's hard I'm still in shock , I know about some and even talked with about 9 of the women but he hasn't told me about all of them Just gave me a number, it's the worst thing I've ever went through .
After my wife confessed to me, i asked if that was the onlyntime and was there any more intimate contact between them. She said "no." I found out a short time later she lied. That was like being betrayed all over again.
The breadcrumbs over years about the sex addiction, then gaslighting and stonewalling and breadcrumbs after the affair dday… its been two months and I can’t eat or sleep due to the intrusive thoughts. It feels like I’m dying, the pain is physical as well as emotional and psychological.
Four years since her infidelity, I know who he is, but she blames him for “taking advantage of me”, and”if I hadn’t been drinking, I would never have done it”. Typical, shifting blame.
Because if they tell you the truth you’ll be able to catch them a lot faster the next time…and there will be a next time. That’s like giving the opposing team your playbook
Excellent video! Having gone through this and still not getting that honest, full disclosure, (YEARS later) I can tell you that the process of healing and forgiveness has never gotten to where it should/could be.
My wife refused to discuss the details and it made me shut down so many years after it happened. I stopped having sex with her because it triggered my inner most thoughts on being betrayed. She actually cried once because i was so disengaged. I thought to myself she just cried and i didn't think she was capable of crying. Once i learned what a Limerent relationship was i got answers as to why It happened. Some details i got out of her reckless behavior during the affair. We stayed together and have been married 33 years. It's not perfect but i'm still working on the PTSD.
Funny, my husband was always one for crying easily at the slightest thing. But he never cried when I told him how hurt and broken I was. It added insult to injury that he who was moved to tears over a strangers tragedy in a news story, wasn't moved by my pain that he'd caused.
you can't early on...that's why getting the right help is essential to help them learn how to be honest and accountable. the truth is honesty creates intimacy and intimacy creates trust over time. but without help, they have no idea what they are doing and you don't know how to move forward either. i would get expert help so your partner can learn how to be honest again.
When I first found out my wife was having an affair, I 'unfortunately' found out by skimming all of her computer chats, after I was suspicious for some time. Which basically gave me pretty much 6 months of pretty graphic and specific evidence, I could pretty much piece together the whole timeline. I didnt tell my wife about this evidence, instead I started asking her questions which I actually knew the answers too, she lied, lied consistently about EVERYTHING. How long is was going on, how many times they slept together (initially is was 'just once'), whether they used protection, whether they did anything in our house etc. This is a massive issue for me still, 10 years later, as I now know she is capable of saying ANYTHING and I cant read her. It is only now that my kids are old enough to look after themselves have I woken up. I ALWAYS planned to stick with it for my kids but now, thinking it is my time to move on.
You are living as my echo my friend! I often hear people use the blanket term, "I know how you feel", when I know damn well they don't know sh!+ about my situation. However, in this particular instance, I actually think we're either having extremely similar issues in our marriages or we're married to the same woman..! I got lucky and had time to completely download my wife's phone usage since she got it. So, minus a few apps that limited the range or data collected, I have everything I could ever need in a court of law to do her some serious damage. However, I too, chose to stay and make one last attempt at this marriage. Kids are just coming of age now, not sure if it's worth wasting another 20yr hoping to not be betrayed again by my loving Narcissistic Serial Cheating wife or not..
I betrayed my wife... She found out about it.. I didn't know at first what she was talking on but after I remembered and she had all the evidence.. I messed up.. I miss her right now... I messed up and being the man I am, I messed up bad and it feels so bad.. I love my wife, I do. But I hurt her and it will only be by the grace of God that she accept me back as the husband I know I can be while I help me learn to better know who I am... I miss her so much right now man and I know I messed it up but I do have to face the consequences..😢
@@jphendersonclan5066chin up brave man, you got balls😮I congratulate you on your growth! If you continue to be there for her in a supporting role of who you use to be despite all of her attempts to push you away and are still there after the day, there satisfied to take you back after you make them feel safe. Usually the guilty accuse the innocent of exactly there behaviour !!! Much respect dude you got this !!! Godspeed
I asked this today I wanted him to be honest. I told him so I can at least respect you. So I can at least know you weren't a total lie. So anyways he didn't want to tell me details but I think we deserve to at least hear honesty 😔 too bad we don't understand how broken they are. So then I realised that I'm just looking for excuses to hold on to him. So I felt hurt and in rage almost hating myself but I just went in prayer. And ask God to help me and to give me the strenght to leave from this toxic relationship. Because is not the first time
I can’t start respecting her or trusting her if she continues to keep secrets and lie. That’s what got us in this situation with her affair to begin with. She can’t look any worse by telling me the truth and we can’t move forward until she does. I’m tired!
Keeping the story in tact and retracing what they told you before is what led to me figuring it out in my case, by accident. Something smelled fishy by things she was saying to me. Ya know that old saying "if someone accuses you of something probably means they are guilty of doing it", well yeah that is true most of time, trust me.
7 months after the fact, I stumbled across a series of messages planning to meet an old boyfriend for coffee to "catch up on old times" during a trip to her hometown for a funeral. On top of my feeling betrayed regarding our agreement never to meet alone with the opposite sex, I simply wanted to know what actually happened and why and if I should be concerned. That was 13 years ago and I didn't then and don't believe now there was ever an affair, but rather just moments of weakness. Her reluctance to be honest was and continues to be the concern, as there have been similar incidents 3 more times since and her attitude has been, "I didn't do anything wrong so it's none of your business." This explanation was so helpful!
Thank you, I needed to hear this. I was starting to feel like I was losing my mind; and nobody is giving me the advice/ explanations that I need to move forward. God bless🙏🏻
To extend forgiveness, one must know what it is that is being forgiven. And even once it is known, one may still decide not to forgive. Or, forgive and leave anyway. The cheater doesnt get to dictate an outcome.
My husband won't tell me squat and he keeps changing his story, he still lies about every woman he's around then tells me that he finds them attractive and I'm just beside myself because he wouldn't be honest about any girl he was doing or screwing around with since the beginning. So now I've washed my hands of him. We live together to raise our kids but I'm moving out this summer and taking the kids. I'm done.
It’s a hell of a roller coaster. You ever feel like no one understands us The Betrayed? Like does no one realize the damage done to us and the pain we gotta live through everyday? I wish you and your children all the best. And best of all, do what’s best for YOU
There is an excellent talk on forgiveness by Fr. Jacques Philippe. I'm almost a year out from finding my wife in an affair. Forgiveness is not easy, I'm still somewhat struggling with it...but not so much as before. I know almost nothing of the affair details. What I do know is that whatever I did or am perceived by her to have done to justify her affair in no way justifies the affair. Nor does it justify the 4.5 zero sex years leading up to it. However, I have come to understand that a lack of forgiveness for whatever it was led to her affair. That insight came about in reflection over the suggestion that I needed to forgive. Of course I could forgive, if I saw remorse...but I have yet to see it. So, why forgive? Clearly I do not need to forgive. Yet, I do. If I do not forgive I damage myself. Holding onto all this, not forgiving, creates a blockage inside of me that damages my ability to love. We have children. They need love. The love in the marriage is less than ideal so they need more love than ever. The affair did not strike me alone, it struck the marriage and the family. Resentment, unforgiven, aimed at me and fostered over time produced collateral damage in my wife's marriage and family as well as that of her married affair partner. Hasn't lack of forgiveness already done more than enough to indicate that me not forgiving only adds to the Carnage? It doesn't have to be perfect or completely altruistic but it must be done. If you can't do it, do what Jesus did on the cross...ask God the Father to do it. In this world divorce or 'the 180' make sense but forgiveness echoes in eternity.
You are doing a fantastic thing!! And you couldn’t be more SPOT ON as your explaining the thoughts, steps, feelings, and emotions that couples actually go through after an affair comes to light. This is good and useful stuff. People usually pay big money for this type of information in couples therapy, and here you are providing it for free!! It’s just good work that you are doing, and thank you from the bottom of my heart because a lot of what you have said in your videos has just validated to me that I AM NORMAL!! When for so long I have felt like something was wrong with me. So, like I said, thank you so very much and keep doing what your doing.
Over a year and a half after I discovered my husband's emotional affair, and he was still texting her, he told me, "There are things I would tell you but you would just throw them up to me." I know there are still lies and deceit that he's never admitted, even when I asked directly. Those still stand as truth. Nearly four years now since I discovered it, i still feel great pain. I have the majority of his dialogue with her. Fortunately, she was the admirable one never taking him up on his offers to meet up with him when I was out of town. In the end, I admire her much more than him. Just over a month ago, I caught him in deceit of a different nature, but still proving my new phrase, "What I don't know won't hurt him." I'm praying for the strength, wisdom and courage to leave this 44 year marriage. I'm just done.
@@derac9739 Thank you! I'm beginning to realize how little self love, self respect and boundaries I never set, or always took a step back. I know this isn't how happiness feels. 😢
35 year marriage here, and he's managed make me financially dependent and moved us 8 hours away from friends and family. Trying to figure out HOW to leave without losing everything. 😢
Went thru this, still open wounds 4 years later. You want to stay for the health of the kids, but the complexion of the relationship is just weird and different now.
Thank you! After five years since my husband had an emotional affair for 2 1/2 years, I asked him to watch this. This was what finally made him realize he cheated and why I behaved the way I have. Since the affair ended, he has since told me he no longer loves me and wants a divorce. I blame this relationship. He said last night a lot if his anger toward me and his negative feelings were because he didn’t understand. I don’t know what happens now, but it’s so validating and healing to be vindicated and for him to finally get it.
You forgot the one where the unfaithful spouse/partner is withholding the evidence, as it may be used against them in divorce proceedings, custody hearings, alimony and financial settlements etc...
Over 5 years ago I got cheated on I was devastated I came across your videos stonewalling it was the beginning of a journey that led me to discovering that I was married to a covert narcissist for 15 years you're a great man with a great heart nothing could say or teach me could save my marriage you did help save my life God bless you brother
Even if they are convinced you will not give them a chance, it is a risk they have to face together with their stupid decisions they made when they CHOSE to betray the person who trusted them.
I have listened to the video now 5 times to pound certain points in my head. ( I am at my office) This was so helpful. I will continue to watch the videos, seek professional help, work on myself. And most importantly I will not allow gas lighting, bullying, and secrecy again. But I am going to keep praying he finds the strength to come forward and I have the strength to hear it with grace. Thank you for all this great information.
Well I thought my marriage of 35 years was ok. Issues pretty much started about 11 years ago. He started accusing me of checking men out when we're together, Then communication and doing things together stopped. He would leave for work early in the morning and wouldn't come home till late at night. So long story short, he admitted having an affair. The pain is unbelievable, I cried day and night, I'm almost 59 years old. What do I do now? He gave me no explanation. He's still with her, all he told me is that he will not leave me or abandoned me, and that he would not throw 35 years of marriage away. He don't realize he already did.
since 3 years has passed what happened? for your hubby to say he wouldnt leave or abandoned you and he didnt want to throw away 35 years of marriage? he did that the first time he took his pants off to sleep with her! he broke covenant with you over and over again, lied over and over and he still has the nerve to say he would not throw away 35 years? how absurd can u get! i hope everything worked out for you the way u wanted it and not the way he wanted it! Peace!!
My wife of 15 years has had 2 different affairs totaling 3 years. Now following a hard 2020 she has become abusive to myself and our children and has become very narcissistic as well as diagnosed with schizophrenia and psychosis. I've tried and tried and tried and she seems to be pure evil. The things she's said and done to our children and myself is beyond ridiculous. I am so broken. God save us help us my children and i hurt so much.
My ex-wife would not provide any details. Like you said, the married partner NEEDS this info to even begin to understand this crisis. My analogy for this (admittedly not the best) is that it reminds me of the hit and run driver who leaves the seriously injured person there UNTIL some good Samaritan drives by and stops to offer some assistance. The hit and run driver did not intentionally and deliberately hit the victim BUT they DID CAUSE the accident. But THEN they INTENTIONALLY choose to just leave that seriously injured person their all BY THEMSELF to deal with it even though they maybe not able to move or they may possibly be unconscious. Think about THAT for a few seconds. This person is responsible for a surprise marital nuclear bomb blast on you, your family and your home and THEN they REFUSE to help in any way.
Well I have been lied to for 29 years, he refuses to tell me anything. Except nothing happened which are lies cuz they talk about it in there texts. Not getting the truth only backs up he will never be truthful about anything. And I can never trust him. 😢
The heartache I feel because he won't tell me the entire truth .. is beyond words. I know it's not my fault but, I do feel a guilt that he doesn't feel safe to tell me and that hurts also. Cheating is a deal breaker but, I value our connection and he is the one for me unconditionally. I realized that he doesn't value our connection and continues to lie to me when I need honesty. I'm trying to come to terms with that.
It's worse when they refuse to share the basics because they claim they're afraid of putting the affair partner through a confrontation you don't even intend on having.
Mari Steenjamp, please don't go to such length. Remember, him cheating was never about you and what you lacking, it is about him and lust. You're not accountable for his infedility, don't haunt yourself for something that isn't your own doing. Be gentle to yourself at this point, love you and appreciate your self worth. Healing is sure💞💞💞
It is all about power and their desire to maintain it over you. They don't care. And they won't give you something (information) which will put you on their level. An affair is not about you. It's Not your fault.
Sometimes the truth disqualifies you and leaves no path forward. His second point was it. They (the betrayer) don't tell you because the information makes it less likely that you (the betrayed) will forgive them. Especially in the case of a cheating wife (I cannot speak to the case of a cheating husband) . Often times the wife is much more agreeable with the affair partner than she is with the husband, in bed and out of bed. Once the husband puts together enough details to figure out that the affair partner is #1 and he (the husband) is #2, his spirit will break and he is going to walk away.
Because they don’t want to sound toooo cynical. They already know they messed up, they do not want you to hear how they “knew they were messing up”, “ they knew there would be no way back” , how they “ knew it was wrong but SO worth it.”
What if they admit the emotional affair...after being caught..I feel I know most everything except for the reason why it happened..he says one of a few things when I ask about it.." it was a mistake " ." He effed up".."he was stupid"...I feel like im in limbo because he also says he doesn't remember some things..my anxiety is very high because of the need to know the reason why
thank you for sharing. im pretty confident they never can share details cuz they think others think as they do and intend to protect their narcissist supply esp from anyone who would have reasonable suspicion to sabotage their schemes.
He lived with her 70 days but said he only cheated once a couple of weeks before he came back to me. That's so insulting to get lied to yet pretending everything is fine
Im so depressed even more but still keep denying even thou i read every conversation and still insisting its just nothing we just chatting even delet the conversation the pain is killing me
This is exactly how I feel and I still feel terrible to force the truth and details out. What I've learned from doing this is more lies and unfaithfulness were uncovered. I'm now glad I did as it started with one affair and ended with seven different men over 6 years.
As a betrayed I’ve been shamed and harassed and emotionally abused but I have to be the safe and open one in disclosure. Which has been trickled over years. I like a lot of these videos and even did their hope for healing program but to say you have to have a ‘no deal breakers’ clause is absurd. Just completely absurd. The betrayed gets every right to decide what is a deal breaker once vows and trust have been broken.
I had suspicions. I went through his phone and saw enough to be socked and was traumatized. He left and he has not said anything to me. No sorry no trying to explain. It's been 3 weeks and I have not tried to contact him neither. It's killing me because I want to get over him and not feel this way.
Telling the truth is humbling and necessary for true love but maybe in councilling and being open to another councillor or two. Idk im at home with my cats rn..yea I never made him give me her name..I didn't protect myself
I feel like they dont want to give you any information that will damage the relationship between the unfaithful spouse and the person they are cheating with. To me its a continuation of the affair without the physical part.. Like they may get with them again and they don't want to truly give them up.
What worries me is she is deathly afraid of me getting access to her deleted texts and other messages on her iCloud. She even changed the password to our cell phone bill
9:07.. accurate. Also - in an unhealthy relationship, facts and details given will undoubtedly be used against the betrayer in future arguments, if the couple stays together. I've been on both sides.. and details can do more damage than just keeping the past in the past. They key is to figure out WHY there was the need for any affair, emotional or otherwise. Sometimes, it's personal demons, sometimes, it's relationship landmines, mental illnesses of one or both people, or childhood trauma surfacing. It's always a lack of honest, blameless communication, though. Pay attention to 15:24- 18:20
They refuse to give details, especially women because of not wanting to disclose the sordid details of their affair and the fact that they were more sexually adventurous and more into their APs then are or ever been with their husbands. And this is why they prefer to keep it toned down and censored with their spouses. Actually disclosing all the sordid details to their partners could well be a deal breaker.
Details creates triggers. Also, when you choose to stay and work it out, really good chance the details will be used against you when in a heated fight. Some people can’t handle the details. Specially if your voluntarily disclosing the selfish act, get to the point of what was done, when, and why, and come up with the solution together rather than ask or demand details that are irrelevant, if you choose to stay, it is important to work on forgiveness and communication for healing.
I'm my experience details actually lead to healing. You may think the details are irrelevant, but every detail is relevant to a betrayed spouse. True healing, forgiveness, and rebuilding of trust can't happen until there is full disclosure that the betrayed spouse is satisfied with.
This is where I’m stuck at with my WS. He keeps saying “it’s not necessary” for me to know who his AP was. He has not bothered to try to understand why I want or need to know. I’m not asking for excessive details about what they did, but I believe at the very least I have the right to know who she is. I told him to imagine how I’d feel to end up face-to-face with her unknowingly. Or he could even speak to her right in front of me and I wouldn’t know. So in my opinion it just leaves the door open for him to continue to be inappropriate with this mystery person. I feel like I’ve been pretty gracious with this while situation. I’m willing to forgive IF he does the work. But this is not something I’m willing to back down from. And I told him this refusal will be something that guarantees us eventually parting ways.
i'm proud of you for standing your ground. here is a video that will help you both understand the process and what is needed or not needed: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell
Theoretically you could investigate as if you are a private investigator. Contact friends and business associates of his and begin asking questions... it's not necessary for him to know, lol ...but I bet he will let you know when he finds out about your activities.
To be honest i don't know what would be worst to know who she is or to not know. I know the woman my husband was having an affair with. we all work in the same place and I see this woman almost everyday. My husband is doing everything and anything for us to work things out says she means absolutely nothing that is was all about him being in a dark place thinking our marriage and family was broken and i guess that was like an escape for him. now he realizes it wasnt broken. He is braking it with what he did. and hes is doing everything to fix out marriage but all i see is this woman face in my mind. It's a horrible feeling.
I have the same issue as you. He told me he had sex. That's all I know. Nothing else. I asked if I knew them or would ever be around them, and he told me I wouldn't. He told me that she was also married and didn't want to cause problems for another family. How noble!!! It will be a year in a few months. He has become a better husband and father in the past year. I'm still feel like I'm in a dream. I can't let my wall down. I just go through the motions one day at a time.
He tried to convince me she was the one who had chased him, made out she was infatuated and he had constantly pushed her away. In his case, it was a colleague. He even told his other colleagues the same thing so they would agree with his story if I asked them. He was excellent at covering his tracks as it wasn't the first time he'd done this. I later found out he had lied about being single, he'd been chasing her for weeks, he was madly in love with her, and she had been the one to put an end to it when she found out about me. But it took years for those facts to come out.
LDT7Y..... gotten same scenarios a year ago and til now twa's heartbreaking whenever popp' n in my mind. Whatever you said on your comment, really exactly what has been told.
Dang, 5 mins in and i feel like the video was made just for me. The only difference, I dont think I WANT to know the details. It has been years passed, and i still feel the exact way i did on day 1.
I havent been told details which only leaves me to use my imagination. Its taking everything i have in me not to harm him, im beyond rage at this point. I hated myself before it happened and always believed i didnt deserve him. I want him to hurt just as bad as i do.
I agree holding back and not being honest only makes u distrust them more. It even makes u think about how easy it is for them to keep secrets and lie . It makes you wonder what else they have done. If they were able to keep a double life how long have they been doing it. I think that when u as for the truth and dont get it they dont care about how u are drowning in pain. 😪
We separated for 5 years due to his 2 1/2 year affair. We still kept in touch during that time. We lived 400 miles apart during those 5 years. We both still loved each other but I was afraid of being torn apart again. He is the love of my life. We are now back together for 15 months and it is wonderful. He has been open to all my questions and available to talk about his affair whenever I need to talk. Those talks are getting less and less because he makes me feel safe. Sometimes I think the affair was what was needed to bring us back to realizing what we both had. I played my part in this in a way where he didn’t feel appreciated and loved. Communication was lacked in the past, but now communication it’s right up front!
They do minimize your hurt and they will continue to make you feel like the bad one for the remainder of your marriage. Especially if you are entangled with a selfish narcissist. They will have the children looking at you sideways because you are hurting. The hurt looks like you don't have it all together when that's not the case. Your hurt can come across as weakness to your children even if they have no idea what happened.
Thanks for this, after making a decision to stay. I never set my boundaries before we got so deep into it and during a 6 month break he met another woman and this continued when we reconciled (albeit not many times) and was found out about. Now after much upset and talking we are moving forward and have set boundaries and discussed what we want from each other. I needed to hear these words. I believe we are made stronger through this but it’s a sensitive subject and we need to avoid certain behaviours to not make it worse but to improve our relationship so thanks for this video 🙏🏽
he has told me everything, I will say it hurts and helps at the same time. I think in my own story that the unfaithful doesn't want to cause more pain than they already have.
That’s what my husband said. But of course if was worried about my feelings he wouldn’t have cheated. I think he’s just scared to piss me off more. He doesn’t accept that he’s hurting me more by refusing to answer some important questions.
I didn’t wanna know details at first. Just me imagining them trying to be alone together while I’m hours away for work and staying in contact with my betrayer and being there for them and pouring my heart out was heart wrenching. I decided to put my heart out on a limb and try asking questions. There was hesitation and my betrayer got angry, like the failing connection was my fault. They eventually exhibited guilt by admitting that in the moment I inquired about whether there was someone else on their mind, they almost said the affair partner’s name. Even admitted that if their subsequent relationship didn’t work out, they still had me. So unfair. I fought tooth and nail for that woman. I’d never been so in love. She continues to gaslight me in our friendship and we’ve deteriorated even more. It’s been easier to avoid responding and sever connection on social media. They say it hurts and they don’t wanna lose me. Good. Good lessons hurt. They’re mentally unwell and need good people to put them in their place.
My cheater came and fessed up. It took a couple weeks for him to tell me MOST things. He admitted allot and took responsibility. That is the ONLY REASON I stayed to work things out. He was being blackmailed by the AP, who was claiming to be Pregnant at 50 years old. He believed her. Guess what? I didn’t...she refused to supply him with a pregnancy test. He called her with the phone on speaker and told her he was DONE.
I feel betrayed all over again when I’m asking questions like I’m walking on eggshells and get half sugar coated truths it literally enrages me beyond the initial devastation because it’s like he is protecting their relationship from me still
@Ashley Norton, I totally agree. The minimization is worse than the affair itself. They don't realize it feels like they are still keeping us on the outside of their precious relationship with the AP. They need to have enough respect for us at this point to tell us the whole truth.
BTW, if that's your picture, you are absolutely gorgeous. I can only imagine he totally affaired down. My husband certainly did.
True.. That's what happening to me.. He is protecting his mistress so I will not attack her I just need to be quiet.. He never calls me in a day and it's too abvious he comes home same timing but I knew he left work earlier.
Same
True
I am so sorry... As a husband that has been that man that has hurt you in the way that has been done, I'm sorry. I miss my wife so bad.. I lied, tried to be better, and lied again, and it's been hard.. my wife just found about my affairs and infidelity and betrayal and... I'm sorry for this hurt pain and despair I've cause us... I miss my wife and want to see the future I seeing us.. God I messed up...😢
This was my ex-wife. We recently divorced, exactly two months shy of what would've been our thirteenth wedding anniversary. I confirmed at least two emotional affairs from guys sliding into her tiktok dm's. Also confirmed that she met one of these guys in person after our divorce. My suspicions were aroused when she started taking multiple "girls trips", but would not provide the full names of whom she was traveling with, nor would she provide exactly where she was going. She told me that she felt that i didn't need all of that information. One of the final straws was doing the phone exchange test. I opened my phone and tossed it to her, she flat out refused to unlock hers, and even told me I had no right to see what was on her phone. That was the final nail in the coffin.
They refuse to give details, because they're still lying about something..How could it possible hurt me more knowing the truth? Than knowing I've been betrayed ?
Thank you I so agree with you. My wife cheated online with some guy in a open world video game. Although it was not physical, but mentally and emotionally it still hurt the same. So after 17 years together i ask her for the truth, i though i deserved it. She keeps saying it wasn't like that. That is BS. She engaged in intimate exchanges with this person while i worked all day and our children were in the house with someone from Canada. We live in the States. I just wanted the truth..i still don't have it..We are separating. My 10yr. old is devastated.
@@kevinpender2515 💔
The details will haunt you and result in so many more triggers in your environment. Instead of seeking details surrounding their actions, ask for details regarding why they transgressed, what were they looking for.
@@Natedoc808 not knowing will cause your brain to fill in the gaps, and will be worse than knowing the truth. Unfaithfulness is keeping secrets from your spouse.
If you did it, you have to own it fully, if you want to work on getting the relationship into recovery.
I want him to tell me that he did it tha it wasn’t all talk I mean you gonna plan on what you are gonna do and where they are gone be and then all of a sudden you don’t do it ok ya well that’s why I am making him take a lie detector test
The rage is real...the helpless feeling is real 🎯
10000000% You have every right to feel that way. I do!
Impotent rage. You don't know what to do with them. Love them, punch them, scream until you're hoarse. You want to release all the anger and hurt, but you can't. It's like an anchor on your soul you carry around with you daily.
I feel desteoyed
It is real and it hurts so bad.
@THMHIGHGOTME same here. I'm destroyed. He has taken a double-edged sword and shoved it in my back through my heart and twisted it around over and over.
I’m a professional who has dealt with this from a Christian perspective for over 40 years and I think Samuel didn’t address perhaps, in my view, the most important dynamic on this subject. In virtually all instances I dealt with, the betrayed partner wants to know every single detail of the sexual part of the affair. Without getting too graphic, they want to know the particulars of the sexual experiences. What did he/she do with the affair partner that hasn’t been a part of their sex life?? Often, I’ve found that in affairs, people very often cross boundaries that existed in the sexual relationship that they had with their partner. I’d love to see what Samuel thinks here. I think that often the unfaithful partner thinks that their partner would only hurt more knowing the particulars. It also could be that they’re downright ashamed of some of the particulars. My advice is to tell them EVERYTHING they want to know. What they imagine could be more hurtful than the actual facts. I’d love to see how some of you feel. I can tell you that if it were me, I’d want to know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.🤔
I asked my husband about the times he did it after the first time and he told me. But then I was furious he hadn't lied and said it was only one occasion. I had so many more images stuck in my head to overcome. And if he'd told me that white lie I would never have found out the truth later.
I'm the other partner in an adulterous relationship. I feel myself that my partner ( the unfaithful) , has not divulged specifics to his spouse. And yes, he is absolutely positive that she will not accept him and his inner desires. He has approached her about her inability to talk about some of their issues and of course in a bid to save her marriage ( which btw I do not blame her one bit) , she has told him she will try to change and she does make the effort but as it goes with all of us, she is not motivated enough for herself. She believes that she can just putter along and go the route that she has always followed and I honestly think she believes he will stay. They've seen two counselors at his request and he told me he had to drag her to both. One of them told him that if he ever tries to leave she will make his life a total misery. I love him dearly, we've been together off and on now for 7 yrs., we can't seem to give each other up. He's a good man caught in a difficult situation and I doubt he will ever leave her during to the family repercussions and I understand that. I honestly think most people assume that all unfaithful spouses are bad and that the people they cheat with are bad too. Well, I'm hear to tell you that we're just caught up in something that we couldn't deny and neither of us want to hurt thos woman but we are. And it goes on, she's caught him twice and this is now our third chapter, what I would like to know is why anyone would want to stay after finding out their partner cheated at least twice? And why do I stay, perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps I'm suffering from a self- esteem issue, do I usually seek out men with partners, no. This man is honestly the best man I have met and if she really doesn't want him, I certainly do.
@lisagibbs5398 No judgment here. Been there. As I got older, I realized that what he told me bout their marriage, wasn't the whole truth. Why does his wife stay? Well it likely has something to do with what he is telling her about you. Lies.
He has painted a very interesting picture for you that makes him seem like a victim..
1. He drug HER to counseling.
2. She is frigid, and can't have fun in bed.
3. He can't leave, because a person in power, the therapist said said she will make his life (and therefore yours) miserable.
It's a nice tidy scenario.
I think he is not being truthful with you, either. I think he is likely a slick smooth talker. He probably tells her that you chased him. That he is afraid that if he doesn't treat you with kid gloves, you'll ruin his business/go over the edge/tell his mother/bribe him for mone, etc.
It took me a long time to wake up and realize that I was being lied t about what was happening in their marriage.
@@lisagibbs5398I hope you get him. I freed my husband of 40 years to his affair partner but it seems he didn’t really want her 😅
You are right in your observations, Mr. Gregory.
She turned me into an obsessed resentful shadow of myself. I hated her 24/7. She gaslighted me into thinking I was crazy. I had so much evidence and she managed to destroy me. The infidelity was heartbreaking. But denying me closure was a permanent scar in my soul. I've moved on, but I'll never be the same. There will always be chapter in my life that can't be closed
Good luck
Wow dude this sounds just like what time going thru now..
Me too.
@@ggstorm8101 me too
I'm sorry. Me, too.
My ex-wife hasn't told me anything except that "it happened a few times" a year later now divorced and still devastated
After 12 years of him denying everything and then getting caught again last year again! And making me feel like I was the crazy one! The relationship is over. People that cheat always try to blame the victims for what they do, and try to come out the victims themselves. I have no sympathy for cheaters they are people that use everyone around them. Thank God I finally opened my eyes! May God Bless him and help his next victim.
I am going through this right now. The more details I find the more rage get into me. I feel like they don’t want you to heal.
Yup, same friend
Nothing like being cheated on by a narcissistic man. He’ll just give you a lie after being caught. He will put on an incredible show and say he’s telling you the whole truth so you close the page and move on. After a few weeks you will find out they left vital information out and you’ll realize you can’t believe a word they say. On top of this the narcissist will try to blame you and gaslight you for their own behavior.
You are right and I'm so sad about it
I have been going through this for 6 years. It’s mentally and physically damaging 😢
It's not just men...
Really not just men, dealing with this EXACT situation with my possibly soon to be ex wife now. Worst part for me is that I NEVER spoke about our relationship with friends, and it turns out my 'wife' has been giving a VERY bias opinion on our relationship to everyone that wants to listen. Missing out all her bad parts of course.
Chile, tell the whole truth and shame the devil. Exactly factual!
I can’t forgive when I don’t know what I have to forgive.
I have a lot of information and she keeps gaslighting me. I'm hurt and disrespected. They remember.
I needed this video. My spouse made me feel like I was a crazy creepy perv for asking for details. All i wanted was to be able to process, heal and even see where I could improve myself so that she would not need to look for someone else. I feel that holding the truth from a betrayed is more damaging to trust than the original betrayal as it makes you wonder if they are still doing it.
We need to understand..one lie destroys all truth...
After 20 years of asking and getting told I was a perv for wanting to know so I could heal, she got mad and told me the affair continued after we got back together. This all came about after one day the question entered my mind to ask, how did it end? I kept pushing for 20 years and 2 weeks ago she told me the affair continued but she still refuses to give me the details. She also told me that she had conversations about me, but she refuses to tell me anything about the other man.
You nailed it!!
I feel EXACTLY like this!!
How can the betrayer ask for trust? Trust will be earned as the betrayer shows honesty.
I’m feeling this right now. How can I truly heal and move forward if I don’t know WHY he did this. To me, to us! And how can I ever trust his words if he won’t be honest with me.
I’m in week 5 of my betrayal. She won’t tell me anything and when she does they are lies. I’ve left. I can’t go back. She’s ruined me.
Was she still having the affair when you left?
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
You aren’t ruined. Good for you for leaving! I left my ex husband and it wasn’t easy! However, I have no regrets. Trying to make it work was miserable! You’ll make it to the other side. Sending you love!
You aren't ruined ... Are least, not permanently; nothing lasts forever, luckily!!
I am so sorry. I really hope u r okay Miklo.
I don't understand this desire to "fix" all broken things.
in my case.... She cheated, she got caught, she was gone.
Just that easy, just that quick, and just that final.
Doubt and mistrust are like a cancer.
Tell me this, where does your mind go the first time she says, "it is Suzy from accountings birthday, we are taking her out to celebrate on Friday after work".
Personally, I can not live like that.... so I tossed my gem and never looked back.
BTW, that was probably the best decision of my life.
IMHO, cheating is the ultimate form of disrespect... it can not, and should not be forgiven.
It’s crazy how much time we are investing in the search for the truth, when they aren’t investing anything but lies
My husband took time to remember so he could tell as much as possible. It actually has helped with the healing & forgiving. It also has helped in rebuilding trust. It helped stop my imagination from going wild and I could finally start processing everything. It took us about 10 months to get to this point, but it was what I needed to make my choice to stay and work on our new life together.
so glad to hear that.
your timeline still gives me hope. I am at month 8 and still ONLY know the details which I found on my own...he has added one fact only...how they met...the rest he says he either can't remember or doesn't want to talk about it....that just isn't good enough for me.
Know a couple well, who, fifteen years later, say that they are very glad they worked hard to repair their relationship, and are much happier than they have ever been.
Morgan Falk, my hubby denied everything to my face even I have the evidences. I keep thinking to myself to stay with him 2 more years for my son’s sake. It is only 2 weeks since I found out and it is killing me so I don’t think I can stick around another 2 years.
You're a lucky woman..
It's funny they think telling you something would be the deal breaker. In my situation, the fact that she wouldn't tell me ended up being the deal breaker. She basically said her needs superceded mine
Yup! So I said we need a separation time because nothing is getting resolved, and I’m told I’m just trying to punish. I’m the one doing the punishing?
David Ducharme his refusal to disclose was the deal breaker for me as well
I wanted to know everything.so he answered whatever i asked. This man, the man I trusted with my whole heart...he betrayed me. How the hell am I supposed to believe his answers. It seems to me he says what he thinks I want to hear. All I feel is pain, mistrust, betrayal, anger...have i missed any emotion?
@@mojavekaye2108 no you have not. It's been almost 2 months since I found out my wife had been having an affair with this guy for almost 3 years. She even introduced him to me as a friend. She brought him around our kids. While I was out busting my ass 14-15 hours a day, she was talking to him everyday. He fell in love with her. She ended the affair and we are working things out but the fact that she wont tell me details about what happened does keep me up at night. I'll wake up at times in the middle of the night and have difficulty going back to sleep. I see that she's really trying and putting in an effort to make this work but it's like...dude!!! You know what I mean?
masterexploder213 I know exactly what you mean. It's like you can't stand to think of what they did and it kills you to picture her doing these things with someone else, yet you HAVE to know everything. I too am working it out with my husband, and it's been quite a ride. Some days are great, he's treating me like a queen. But will I EVER get the image of this man, who swore before God to love me and only me til death do we part, will I ever get it out of my head, what he did? I have to try. He's told me everything. Still, it kills me to think of him giving to someone else what he swore to me and only me. But I do love him. And he loves me. So, we are working hard on it. No, it's not easy. Nothing worth keeping ever is. Good luck to you. I wish you the best. Hang in there!
If you haven't walked through this hell, you have no idea how you'd handle it. Adults know this if they've got any life experiences.
Free2016 . I am going through the pain of being cheated by my husband
2 weeks later i still have no clue
And it is hell.
@@はII I know the feeling, it's been a year since I found out about my husband's affairs. He was with so many women and one for 6 years and sex chatted with over 30 . It's hard I'm still in shock , I know about some and even talked with about 9 of the women but he hasn't told me about all of them Just gave me a number, it's the worst thing I've ever went through .
It has been 4 years the only thing he says their is no one out there grass is not greener on the other side
After my wife confessed to me, i asked if that was the onlyntime and was there any more intimate contact between them. She said "no." I found out a short time later she lied. That was like being betrayed all over again.
It's called dripping
💜💜💜💜💜
@@hlonikhaoletsa8937 Good Term. is it unofficial or an actual clinical term?
Why did she confess in the first place ?
@@teslakontrolmost literature calls it "Trickle Truth."
The breadcrumbs over years about the sex addiction, then gaslighting and stonewalling and breadcrumbs after the affair dday… its been two months and I can’t eat or sleep due to the intrusive thoughts. It feels like I’m dying, the pain is physical as well as emotional and psychological.
Here I am 4 years after his betrayal and I still have zero info from him. Everything i know I found on my own.
Four years since her infidelity, I know who he is, but she blames him for “taking advantage of me”, and”if I hadn’t been drinking, I would never have done it”. Typical, shifting blame.
Same. I found out all the info about my ex's affairs on my own or from other people. He refused to tell me anything
They refuse probably because they are still lying about it
I have found that to be true.
Agreed
Wow very spot on!!!!! Im dealing with this right now and he says its more damaging for me to know any of the details.
Because if they tell you the truth you’ll be able to catch them a lot faster the next time…and there will be a next time. That’s like giving the opposing team your playbook
Good point
Does not apply for me. I know it's ongoing
Excellent video! Having gone through this and still not getting that honest, full disclosure, (YEARS later) I can tell you that the process of healing and forgiveness has never gotten to where it should/could be.
My wife refused to discuss the details and it made me shut down so many years after it happened. I stopped having sex with her because it triggered my inner most thoughts on being betrayed. She actually cried once because i was so disengaged. I thought to myself she just cried and i didn't think she was capable of crying. Once i learned what a Limerent relationship was i got answers as to why It happened. Some details i got out of her reckless behavior during the affair. We stayed together and have been married 33 years. It's not perfect but i'm still working on the PTSD.
Funny, my husband was always one for crying easily at the slightest thing.
But he never cried when I told him how hurt and broken I was.
It added insult to injury that he who was moved to tears over a strangers tragedy in a news story, wasn't moved by my pain that he'd caused.
If they’ve lied so much already, how can you trust anything that they tell you anyway ???
you can't early on...that's why getting the right help is essential to help them learn how to be honest and accountable. the truth is honesty creates intimacy and intimacy creates trust over time. but without help, they have no idea what they are doing and you don't know how to move forward either. i would get expert help so your partner can learn how to be honest again.
When I first found out my wife was having an affair, I 'unfortunately' found out by skimming all of her computer chats, after I was suspicious for some time. Which basically gave me pretty much 6 months of pretty graphic and specific evidence, I could pretty much piece together the whole timeline. I didnt tell my wife about this evidence, instead I started asking her questions which I actually knew the answers too, she lied, lied consistently about EVERYTHING. How long is was going on, how many times they slept together (initially is was 'just once'), whether they used protection, whether they did anything in our house etc. This is a massive issue for me still, 10 years later, as I now know she is capable of saying ANYTHING and I cant read her. It is only now that my kids are old enough to look after themselves have I woken up. I ALWAYS planned to stick with it for my kids but now, thinking it is my time to move on.
How are you
👍
You are living as my echo my friend! I often hear people use the blanket term, "I know how you feel", when I know damn well they don't know sh!+ about my situation. However, in this particular instance, I actually think we're either having extremely similar issues in our marriages or we're married to the same woman..!
I got lucky and had time to completely download my wife's phone usage since she got it. So, minus a few apps that limited the range or data collected, I have everything I could ever need in a court of law to do her some serious damage. However, I too, chose to stay and make one last attempt at this marriage. Kids are just coming of age now, not sure if it's worth wasting another 20yr hoping to not be betrayed again by my loving Narcissistic Serial Cheating wife or not..
I betrayed my wife... She found out about it.. I didn't know at first what she was talking on but after I remembered and she had all the evidence.. I messed up.. I miss her right now... I messed up and being the man I am, I messed up bad and it feels so bad.. I love my wife, I do. But I hurt her and it will only be by the grace of God that she accept me back as the husband I know I can be while I help me learn to better know who I am... I miss her so much right now man and I know I messed it up but I do have to face the consequences..😢
@@jphendersonclan5066chin up brave man, you got balls😮I congratulate you on your growth! If you continue to be there for her in a supporting role of who you use to be despite all of her attempts to push you away and are still there after the day, there satisfied to take you back after you make them feel safe. Usually the guilty accuse the innocent of exactly there behaviour !!! Much respect dude you got this !!! Godspeed
I asked this today I wanted him to be honest. I told him so I can at least respect you. So I can at least know you weren't a total lie. So anyways he didn't want to tell me details but I think we deserve to at least hear honesty 😔 too bad we don't understand how broken they are. So then I realised that I'm just looking for excuses to hold on to him. So I felt hurt and in rage almost hating myself but I just went in prayer. And ask God to help me and to give me the strenght to leave from this toxic relationship. Because is not the first time
I can’t start respecting her or trusting her if she continues to keep secrets and lie. That’s what got us in this situation with her affair to begin with. She can’t look any worse by telling me the truth and we can’t move forward until she does. I’m tired!
This is where I am. Found out 6 weeks ago about her affair. I can't take it anymore.
@@landbarron1420how are u now
Keeping the story in tact and retracing what they told you before is what led to me figuring it out in my case, by accident. Something smelled fishy by things she was saying to me. Ya know that old saying "if someone accuses you of something probably means they are guilty of doing it", well yeah that is true most of time, trust me.
7 months after the fact, I stumbled across a series of messages planning to meet an old boyfriend for coffee to "catch up on old times" during a trip to her hometown for a funeral. On top of my feeling betrayed regarding our agreement never to meet alone with the opposite sex, I simply wanted to know what actually happened and why and if I should be concerned. That was 13 years ago and I didn't then and don't believe now there was ever an affair, but rather just moments of weakness. Her reluctance to be honest was and continues to be the concern, as there have been similar incidents 3 more times since and her attitude has been, "I didn't do anything wrong so it's none of your business." This explanation was so helpful!
Thank you, I needed to hear this. I was starting to feel like I was losing my mind; and nobody is giving me the advice/ explanations that I need to move forward. God bless🙏🏻
They feels it will be held against them, or that they will see the same actions to worse due to revenge.
Going through this now. Have filed for divorce so he isn’t lying to keep me. Just lying to keep me from healing. Their damage never stops.
Going through the exact something 😢
To extend forgiveness, one must know what it is that is being forgiven. And even once it is known, one may still decide not to forgive. Or, forgive and leave anyway. The cheater doesnt get to dictate an outcome.
I've been married for 39 years and my husband did emotional and and physical cheating😢😮
My husband won't tell me squat and he keeps changing his story, he still lies about every woman he's around then tells me that he finds them attractive and I'm just beside myself because he wouldn't be honest about any girl he was doing or screwing around with since the beginning. So now I've washed my hands of him. We live together to raise our kids but I'm moving out this summer and taking the kids. I'm done.
good for you.
Jessica Brotzel wishing you strength with your recovery. Stay strong. Mine was a narcissistic sociopath with a secret separate life.
It’s a hell of a roller coaster. You ever feel like no one understands us The Betrayed? Like does no one realize the damage done to us and the pain we gotta live through everyday? I wish you and your children all the best. And best of all, do what’s best for YOU
There is an excellent talk on forgiveness by Fr. Jacques Philippe. I'm almost a year out from finding my wife in an affair. Forgiveness is not easy, I'm still somewhat struggling with it...but not so much as before. I know almost nothing of the affair details. What I do know is that whatever I did or am perceived by her to have done to justify her affair in no way justifies the affair. Nor does it justify the 4.5 zero sex years leading up to it.
However, I have come to understand that a lack of forgiveness for whatever it was led to her affair. That insight came about in reflection over the suggestion that I needed to forgive. Of course I could forgive, if I saw remorse...but I have yet to see it.
So, why forgive? Clearly I do not need to forgive. Yet, I do. If I do not forgive I damage myself. Holding onto all this, not forgiving, creates a blockage inside of me that damages my ability to love.
We have children. They need love. The love in the marriage is less than ideal so they need more love than ever. The affair did not strike me alone, it struck the marriage and the family. Resentment, unforgiven, aimed at me and fostered over time produced collateral damage in my wife's marriage and family as well as that of her married affair partner.
Hasn't lack of forgiveness already done more than enough to indicate that me not forgiving only adds to the Carnage? It doesn't have to be perfect or completely altruistic but it must be done. If you can't do it, do what Jesus did on the cross...ask God the Father to do it. In this world divorce or 'the 180' make sense but forgiveness echoes in eternity.
@@mfawls9624 thank you for this.
She gave details, even said what she was thinking. But how can I believe it.
more power to the people who want details. i didnt want to know ANYTHING when i found out. i just filed and left
One of the resason the unfaithful spouse don't tell info is that they don't admit they has done something wrong,.
True word! Recognition of faithfulness is not gender bias.
Yep my wife refuses to discuss the fling with a female colleague
You are doing a fantastic thing!! And you couldn’t be more SPOT ON as your explaining the thoughts, steps, feelings, and emotions that couples actually go through after an affair comes to light. This is good and useful stuff. People usually pay big money for this type of information in couples therapy, and here you are providing it for free!! It’s just good work that you are doing, and thank you from the bottom of my heart because a lot of what you have said in your videos has just validated to me that I AM NORMAL!! When for so long I have felt like something was wrong with me. So, like I said, thank you so very much and keep doing what your doing.
Over a year and a half after I discovered my husband's emotional affair, and he was still texting her, he told me, "There are things I would tell you but you would just throw them up to me." I know there are still lies and deceit that he's never admitted, even when I asked directly. Those still stand as truth. Nearly four years now since I discovered it, i still feel great pain. I have the majority of his dialogue with her. Fortunately, she was the admirable one never taking him up on his offers to meet up with him when I was out of town. In the end, I admire her much more than him. Just over a month ago, I caught him in deceit of a different nature, but still proving my new phrase, "What I don't know won't hurt him." I'm praying for the strength, wisdom and courage to leave this 44 year marriage. I'm just done.
Be strong and develop self love
@@derac9739 Thank you! I'm beginning to realize how little self love, self respect and boundaries I never set, or always took a step back. I know this isn't how happiness feels. 😢
🙏🏽
Yea hes an old dog
35 year marriage here, and he's managed make me financially dependent and moved us 8 hours away from friends and family. Trying to figure out HOW to leave without losing everything. 😢
Mine refused to talk about it as well and then barely admitted anything and I knew there was more. Yep that help lead to the end of it.
Went thru this, still open wounds 4 years later. You want to stay for the health of the kids, but the complexion of the relationship is just weird and different now.
Thank you! After five years since my husband had an emotional affair for 2 1/2 years, I asked him to watch this. This was what finally made him realize he cheated and why I behaved the way I have. Since the affair ended, he has since told me he no longer loves me and wants a divorce. I blame this relationship. He said last night a lot if his anger toward me and his negative feelings were because he didn’t understand. I don’t know what happens now, but it’s so validating and healing to be vindicated and for him to finally get it.
You forgot the one where the unfaithful spouse/partner is withholding the evidence, as it may be used against them in divorce proceedings, custody hearings, alimony and financial settlements etc...
Over 5 years ago I got cheated on I was devastated I came across your videos stonewalling it was the beginning of a journey that led me to discovering that I was married to a covert narcissist for 15 years you're a great man with a great heart nothing could say or teach me could save my marriage you did help save my life God bless you brother
Even if they are convinced you will not give them a chance, it is a risk they have to face together with their stupid decisions they made when they CHOSE to betray the person who trusted them.
Yes, putting together a jigsaw puzzle 🧩 with the lights out.
This video was the best thing thay has happened to me during my path to healing and recovering. Thank you ❤
He said if I mentioned it ever again, we are getting a divorce...all I wanted was the truth.
Have you called his bluff?
If he truly cares about you and loves you, he would put up with it. Same with my girlfriend.
After HE cheated?
That's pretty low of him.
Call his bluff.
@barbarafordham9185 And I guess he thinks he's the prize then?!? Betraying spouses can be arrogant and manipulative as hell. 🤬
What I would like to know is what did he said about me when they were together, that would be the dealbreaker
😭😭😭😭😭😭 I'm trapped and it's hurts alot. He just won't tell me and it hurts more. It's selfishness.
I have listened to the video now 5 times to pound certain points in my head. ( I am at my office) This was so helpful. I will continue to watch the videos, seek professional help, work on myself. And most importantly I will not allow gas lighting, bullying, and secrecy again. But I am going to keep praying he finds the strength to come forward and I have the strength to hear it with grace. Thank you for all this great information.
Well I thought my marriage of 35 years was ok. Issues pretty much started about 11 years ago. He started accusing me of checking men out when we're together, Then communication and doing things together stopped. He would leave for work early in the morning and wouldn't come home till late at night. So long story short, he admitted having an affair. The pain is unbelievable, I cried day and night, I'm almost 59 years old. What do I do now? He gave me no explanation. He's still with her, all he told me is that he will not leave me or abandoned me, and that he would not throw 35 years of marriage away. He don't realize he already did.
Prayers for you.
😢😢
He doesn’t really have a decision in the rest of your life, you decide
🙏🏽
since 3 years has passed what happened? for your hubby to say he wouldnt leave or abandoned you and he didnt want to throw away 35 years of marriage? he did that the first time he took his pants off to sleep with her! he broke covenant with you over and over again, lied over and over and he still has the nerve to say he would not throw away 35 years? how absurd can u get! i hope everything worked out for you the way u wanted it and not the way he wanted it! Peace!!
My wife of 15 years has had 2 different affairs totaling 3 years. Now following a hard 2020 she has become abusive to myself and our children and has become very narcissistic as well as diagnosed with schizophrenia and psychosis. I've tried and tried and tried and she seems to be pure evil. The things she's said and done to our children and myself is beyond ridiculous. I am so broken. God save us help us my children and i hurt so much.
My ex-wife would not provide any details. Like you said, the married partner NEEDS this info to even begin to understand this crisis. My analogy
for this (admittedly not the best) is that it reminds me of the hit and run driver who leaves the seriously injured person there UNTIL some good
Samaritan drives by and stops to offer some assistance. The hit and run driver did not intentionally and deliberately hit the victim BUT they DID
CAUSE the accident. But THEN they INTENTIONALLY choose to just leave that seriously injured person their all BY THEMSELF to deal with it
even though they maybe not able to move or they may possibly be unconscious. Think about THAT for a few seconds. This person is
responsible for a surprise marital nuclear bomb blast on you, your family and your home and THEN they REFUSE to help in any way.
Well I have been lied to for 29 years, he refuses to tell me anything. Except nothing happened which are lies cuz they talk about it in there texts.
Not getting the truth only backs up he will never be truthful about anything. And I can never trust him. 😢
The heartache I feel because he won't tell me the entire truth .. is beyond words. I know it's not my fault but, I do feel a guilt that he doesn't feel safe to tell me and that hurts also. Cheating is a deal breaker but, I value our connection and he is the one for me unconditionally. I realized that he doesn't value our connection and continues to lie to me when I need honesty. I'm trying to come to terms with that.
It's worse when they refuse to share the basics because they claim they're afraid of putting the affair partner through a confrontation you don't even intend on having.
I was told the deatils will hurtvme, Inthen found out everything and now Im comparing myself with the other woman im dying inside😭
Mari Steenjamp, please don't go to such length. Remember, him cheating was never about you and what you lacking, it is about him and lust. You're not accountable for his infedility, don't haunt yourself for something that isn't your own doing.
Be gentle to yourself at this point, love you and appreciate your self worth. Healing is sure💞💞💞
It is all about power and their desire to maintain it over you. They don't care. And they won't give you something (information) which will put you on their level. An affair is not about you. It's Not your fault.
Sometimes the truth disqualifies you and leaves no path forward.
His second point was it. They (the betrayer) don't tell you because the information makes it less likely that you (the betrayed) will forgive them.
Especially in the case of a cheating wife (I cannot speak to the case of a cheating husband) . Often times the wife is much more agreeable with the affair partner than she is with the husband, in bed and out of bed. Once the husband puts together enough details to figure out that the affair partner is #1 and he (the husband) is #2, his spirit will break and he is going to walk away.
That's what I did. I left.
Knowing the truth painful or not sets u free.
Because they don’t want to sound toooo cynical. They already know they messed up, they do not want you to hear how they “knew they were messing up”, “ they knew there would be no way back” , how they “ knew it was wrong but SO worth it.”
So sick…
What if they admit the emotional affair...after being caught..I feel I know most everything except for the reason why it happened..he says one of a few things when I ask about it.." it was a mistake " ." He effed up".."he was stupid"...I feel like im in limbo because he also says he doesn't remember some things..my anxiety is very high because of the need to know the reason why
I could never stay with a cheater. No excuses. Just bad character. Full stop. Move on.
thank you for sharing. im pretty confident they never can share details cuz they think others think as they do and intend to protect their narcissist supply esp from anyone who would have reasonable suspicion to sabotage their schemes.
He lived with her 70 days but said he only cheated once a couple of weeks before he came back to me. That's so insulting to get lied to yet pretending everything is fine
What if the therapist doesn't think you don't even need any details? I feel like I do because there's a pattern of deception -even before the affair
5 years later and I still don’t know. I’ll never truly heal til have details
Im so depressed even more but still keep denying even thou i read every conversation and still insisting its just nothing we just chatting even delet the conversation the pain is killing me
This is exactly how I feel and I still feel terrible to force the truth and details out. What I've learned from doing this is more lies and unfaithfulness were uncovered. I'm now glad I did as it started with one affair and ended with seven different men over 6 years.
As a betrayed I’ve been shamed and harassed and emotionally abused but I have to be the safe and open one in disclosure. Which has been trickled over years. I like a lot of these videos and even did their hope for healing program but to say you have to have a ‘no deal breakers’ clause is absurd. Just completely absurd. The betrayed gets every right to decide what is a deal breaker once vows and trust have been broken.
I agree with you
Facts
A prison of darkness. Exactly
I had suspicions. I went through his phone and saw enough to be socked and was traumatized. He left and he has not said anything to me. No sorry no trying to explain. It's been 3 weeks and I have not tried to contact him neither. It's killing me because I want to get over him and not feel this way.
Telling the truth is humbling and necessary for true love but maybe in councilling and being open to another councillor or two. Idk im at home with my cats rn..yea I never made him give me her name..I didn't protect myself
I feel like they dont want to give you any information that will damage the relationship between the unfaithful spouse and the person they are cheating with. To me its a continuation of the affair without the physical part.. Like they may get with them again and they don't want to truly give them up.
What worries me is she is deathly afraid of me getting access to her deleted texts and other messages on her iCloud. She even changed the password to our cell phone bill
9:07.. accurate. Also - in an unhealthy relationship, facts and details given will undoubtedly be used against the betrayer in future arguments, if the couple stays together. I've been on both sides.. and details can do more damage than just keeping the past in the past. They key is to figure out WHY there was the need for any affair, emotional or otherwise. Sometimes, it's personal demons, sometimes, it's relationship landmines, mental illnesses of one or both people, or childhood trauma surfacing. It's always a lack of honest, blameless communication, though. Pay attention to 15:24- 18:20
They refuse to give details, especially women because of not wanting to disclose the sordid details of their affair and the fact that they were more sexually adventurous and more into their APs then are or ever been with their husbands.
And this is why they prefer to keep it toned down and censored with their spouses.
Actually disclosing all the sordid details to their partners could well be a deal breaker.
Details creates triggers. Also, when you choose to stay and work it out, really good chance the details will be used against you when in a heated fight. Some people can’t handle the details. Specially if your voluntarily disclosing the selfish act, get to the point of what was done, when, and why, and come up with the solution together rather than ask or demand details that are irrelevant, if you choose to stay, it is important to work on forgiveness and communication for healing.
I'm my experience details actually lead to healing. You may think the details are irrelevant, but every detail is relevant to a betrayed spouse. True healing, forgiveness, and rebuilding of trust can't happen until there is full disclosure that the betrayed spouse is satisfied with.
Another thing is if they lie to you They are taking the power away from you to make a choice.
Great point champ!!!!!
Right I just got married in April and she’s been cheating on me since February with a co worker
This is where I’m stuck at with my WS. He keeps saying “it’s not necessary” for me to know who his AP was. He has not bothered to try to understand why I want or need to know. I’m not asking for excessive details about what they did, but I believe at the very least I have the right to know who she is. I told him to imagine how I’d feel to end up face-to-face with her unknowingly. Or he could even speak to her right in front of me and I wouldn’t know. So in my opinion it just leaves the door open for him to continue to be inappropriate with this mystery person.
I feel like I’ve been pretty gracious with this while situation. I’m willing to forgive IF he does the work. But this is not something I’m willing to back down from. And I told him this refusal will be something that guarantees us eventually parting ways.
i'm proud of you for standing your ground. here is a video that will help you both understand the process and what is needed or not needed: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell
Theoretically you could investigate as if you are a private investigator. Contact friends and business associates of his and begin asking questions... it's not necessary for him to know, lol
...but I bet he will let you know when he finds out about your activities.
To be honest i don't know what would be worst to know who she is or to not know. I know the woman my husband was having an affair with. we all work in the same place and I see this woman almost everyday. My husband is doing everything and anything for us to work things out says she means absolutely nothing that is was all about him being in a dark place thinking our marriage and family was broken and i guess that was like an escape for him. now he realizes it wasnt broken. He is braking it with what he did. and hes is doing everything to fix out marriage but all i see is this woman face in my mind. It's a horrible feeling.
I think you have every right to know who the affair partner is. Not revealing the identity would be a deal breaker for me !!
I have the same issue as you. He told me he had sex. That's all I know. Nothing else. I asked if I knew them or would ever be around them, and he told me I wouldn't. He told me that she was also married and didn't want to cause problems for another family. How noble!!! It will be a year in a few months. He has become a better husband and father in the past year. I'm still feel like I'm in a dream. I can't let my wall down. I just go through the motions one day at a time.
How can one have intercourse and NOT remember? Sounds more like a refusal to disclose and exert control.
He tried to convince me she was the one who had chased him, made out she was infatuated and he had constantly pushed her away. In his case, it was a colleague. He even told his other colleagues the same thing so they would agree with his story if I asked them. He was excellent at covering his tracks as it wasn't the first time he'd done this. I later found out he had lied about being single, he'd been chasing her for weeks, he was madly in love with her, and she had been the one to put an end to it when she found out about me. But it took years for those facts to come out.
LDT7Y..... gotten same scenarios a year ago and til now twa's heartbreaking whenever popp' n in my mind. Whatever you said on your comment, really exactly what has been told.
Yeh, mines first time I caught him too...the second is worse . Sickening...I hear ya!
Isnt the identity of the AP necessary in order to ensure that contact has been severed?
In most situations yes I would agree
Dang, 5 mins in and i feel like the video was made just for me. The only difference, I dont think I WANT to know the details. It has been years passed, and i still feel the exact way i did on day 1.
I havent been told details which only leaves me to use my imagination. Its taking everything i have in me not to harm him, im beyond rage at this point. I hated myself before it happened and always believed i didnt deserve him. I want him to hurt just as bad as i do.
How are you going now? I am writing this feeling rage also. I hope you have found some peace.
I agree holding back and not being honest only makes u distrust them more. It even makes u think about how easy it is for them to keep secrets and lie . It makes you wonder what else they have done. If they were able to keep a double life how long have they been doing it. I think that when u as for the truth and dont get it they dont care about how u are drowning in pain. 😪
We separated for 5 years due to his 2 1/2 year affair.
We still kept in touch during that time. We lived 400 miles apart during those 5 years. We both still loved each other but I was afraid of being torn apart again. He is the love of my life.
We are now back together for 15 months and it is wonderful. He has been open to all my questions and available to talk about his affair whenever I need to talk. Those talks are getting less and less because he makes me feel safe. Sometimes I think the affair was what was needed to bring us back to realizing what we both had. I played my part in this in a way where he didn’t feel appreciated and loved.
Communication was lacked in the past, but now communication it’s right up front!
How awesome..best comment yet 🌺🌈
They do minimize your hurt and they will continue to make you feel like the bad one for the remainder of your marriage. Especially if you are entangled with a selfish narcissist. They will have the children looking at you sideways because you are hurting. The hurt looks like you don't have it all together when that's not the case. Your hurt can come across as weakness to your children even if they have no idea what happened.
Thanks for this, after making a decision to stay. I never set my boundaries before we got so deep into it and during a 6 month break he met another woman and this continued when we reconciled (albeit not many times) and was found out about. Now after much upset and talking we are moving forward and have set boundaries and discussed what we want from each other. I needed to hear these words. I believe we are made stronger through this but it’s a sensitive subject and we need to avoid certain behaviours to not make it worse but to improve our relationship so thanks for this video 🙏🏽
he has told me everything, I will say it hurts and helps at the same time. I think in my own story that the unfaithful doesn't want to cause more pain than they already have.
That’s what my husband said. But of course if was worried about my feelings he wouldn’t have cheated. I think he’s just scared to piss me off more. He doesn’t accept that he’s hurting me more by refusing to answer some important questions.
I didn’t wanna know details at first. Just me imagining them trying to be alone together while I’m hours away for work and staying in contact with my betrayer and being there for them and pouring my heart out was heart wrenching. I decided to put my heart out on a limb and try asking questions. There was hesitation and my betrayer got angry, like the failing connection was my fault. They eventually exhibited guilt by admitting that in the moment I inquired about whether there was someone else on their mind, they almost said the affair partner’s name. Even admitted that if their subsequent relationship didn’t work out, they still had me. So unfair. I fought tooth and nail for that woman. I’d never been so in love. She continues to gaslight me in our friendship and we’ve deteriorated even more. It’s been easier to avoid responding and sever connection on social media. They say it hurts and they don’t wanna lose me. Good. Good lessons hurt. They’re mentally unwell and need good people to put them in their place.
What do you do when your cheating spouse refuses to admit to cheating even though there’s a mountain of evidence?
My cheater came and fessed up. It took a couple weeks for him to tell me MOST things. He admitted allot and took responsibility. That is the ONLY REASON I stayed to work things out. He was being blackmailed by the AP, who was claiming to be Pregnant at 50 years old. He believed her. Guess what? I didn’t...she refused to supply him with a pregnancy test. He called her with the phone on speaker and told her he was DONE.
Omg!!!!I'm shattering!!!he's killing me!!!