I see very few likes on these videos. I wonder if many are like myself. I've been so lost for so long after betrayal that once I stumbled upon these, for me, life changing videos, I forget to hit like because I can't wait to get to the next. Sorry Affair Recovery. I'll do better. 😅
This hit home in an uncomfortable way , I am the betrayed , it’s been almost a year since d day, I still feel like I need to perform, I still have moments of panic and that he will leave if I’m not perfect
This is one of the most insightful videos AR has done! We are nearly 2 yrs into our recovery and this is our major next hurdle. We need MORE videos discussing recovery AFTER the initial discovery and 1 yr mark. This is where I feel many couples are and both the betrayer (me) and the betrayed (my wife) get “stuck”.
After finding out about my husbands affair I didn’t withhold sex. After about two months I found out that he was able to have sex with her multiple times so much he “lost count”. Where as with me he will have sex once and be done. After learning that I haven’t been able to be intimate with him. That was never something we had an issue with before or after the affair. But I can’t get over the fact that maybe he’s not as attracted to me as he was to her. What can I do? We have a therapist and it’s going great but this is something that I just can’t see myself getting over.
Glad to hear that you, two, are doing good. My Wife and I are doing a lot of those things for a while, now. I do love to snuggle. Being away from Home for a month at a time, i work on doing that a lot when i am at Home with her, to get that connection and to keep it alive.
I liked when she started to mention "touching". I have been traumatized by my husband's 14 years of betrayals that I can not make myself touch him. I cringe when I have the thought of doing it. In my mind I will not do it right! If u have any advice I would appreciate it.
What if it’s the other way around? The unfaithful male is having triggers and reminders of their names or faces during intimacy and feels guilt for ever doing that and now has trouble being physical, even kissing? But enjoys being together, cuddling, hand holding, and being open to being emotional and loving in other ways.
I understand this significantly. He has only initiated intimacy twice in over 5 years. I got tired of being rejected over and over and now I have mentally pushed that aside, but have resentments. Boy oh boy do I understand. Nearly 2 years of counseling actually had us taking steps backwards....I'm in a sexless marriage.
Can we have a video dedicated strictly to the AP pregnancy. It’s talked about slightly in at least 3 videos I’ve seen but never a dedicated video just for that scenario.
I'm the cheated wife and that's one of my big problem areas. I know now - finally, after years of hunches, lies, fears and denial - for five months what has happened. My husband told me a lot, maybe really everything. And he is - now finally again - completely there for me, every second, every black hour. We've been together for thirty years this year. For twenty years he has repeatedly had phases in which he was very distant, but never told me what was really going on inside him. In March '22, after I overheard something very alarming by sheer coincidence (a chat, but not what one would expect now) he came out as non-binary. He's always had big problems with it, as a child he had only learned to suppress it, to be a "man", to have to be, otherwise not to be good enough. It was exactly that - his softness, his sensitivity, his whole way I fell in love with, the whole person he was and he could never completely hide from me. He was always too much himself around me, too much "whole". This became more and more problematic for him over the years. So he withdrew again and again, always a bit more, fighting his own nature more and more. Then came the famous midlife crisis. The first time he tried to cheat (ons) during a company party, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling alarmed and called him; I knew immediately what was happening, noticed it in his panicked reaction. He lied and lied... and I repressed. But this woman didn't "let him do it", a great insult to his suffering ego. Then he had an emotional affair with a neighbor's 21-year-old daughter for months - he really, really wanted her badly, wanted to prove himself as a man. She didn't let him succeed either, she just gutted him. Only since last week can I remember that back in 2016 I found a condom in his jacket pocket when I was looking for a lighter. That day I broke, I immediately repressed what I had seen. I confronted him anyway. He lied there too and I suppressed it again. Our relationship became very distant, little by little I completely dismantled myself as a woman. I realize that there's nothing left of who I used to be. After that he started going to prostitutes. He always chose very expensive beautiful women, no special service, only GF6. Not often, five times from 2016-2021, and the last time he "couldn't" because he really didn't want to, he was already too far in his process (acceptance of what he really is) and he also wanted to "return" to me. He told me this voluntarily. I absolutely understand the hell he's been through, I'm so terribly sorry he had to go through it all by himself and I believe him when he says he loves me more than anything and always loved me, was always scared of losing me. Still, I suffer. Everything that is discussed in many of your great videos is happening to me. I am very happy to have found your channel, it helps me a lot. Unfortunately, my husband's English is very poor, so he can only benefit indirectly from your videos. We are both in therapy now, unfortunately I have a strong feeling that my therapist is "Choosing for Separation" which is exactly the opposite of what my goal is. I love my husband dearly, finally we can be fully together again and have a real future together, so I need any help to heal. Thank you for finding this with you. And this particular theme has always come over me when we get intimate. It often feels to me like the prostitutes are in bed with us (that feeling doesn't come from my husband), I have to fight that feeling so hard, it's horrible. And on the outside, I'm the exact opposite of the beautiful, young, well-proportioned women who "you can tell they're doing something for themselves" that he booked. As a result, my hardly any self-confidence is finally in the basement. Even though he says he's always found me attractive and loves my body, and the other women were just a reflection of his "ideal image" - why shouldn't he have picked the ones that turn him on the most? - which in the real world he doesn't would need, this point also haunts me particularly. I feel so inadequate and yes, I find myself "performing" or having the urge to do so over and over again. Sorry for the long post.
Being in these situations suck period. Some times i feel like we're dealing with child adults that don't have no self control. Also making Love suck, making marriage suck. Stepping out of marriage when they can just do those things to their spouse!!!
My situation I havent heard you talk about!.... I'm the unfaithfull spouse who was the bettayed spouse which lead to me also betraying my husband. My husband doesnt think he betrayed me when he was addicted to pronography but after 20yrs of marriage I betrayed him. Now.. I am having to 'own" it when I have all the feelings of the betrayed spouse rushing through me...
Because he was never physically intimate with someone else. I've had a husband who went from pornography addiction to actual ininfidelity. Trust me...the pain of actual infidelity with another person is 1,000 times worse than the betrayal you feel when they're looking at images of other people. Yes..of course his porn issue needs to be addressed. But the actual infidelity is the biggest elephant in the room so that takes a back burner for a while.
We are in the same boat except my husband had an actual affair 15 years prior and I had to suck it up and “get over it” cause it was a 1 time event. But we never went to counseling, we never got help. We had/have a good sex life, throughout our marriage but it was the emotional disconnect that lead to My emotional affair..and the prior unhealimg. I have complete remorse and am taking full responsibility for recovery yet he cannot forgive and states I don’t know what he feels😢 he’s triggered constantly when it comes to being intimate now, it’s so hard!! This was a great interview!
If you want to leave the relationship but can't, make a plan so that you can one day. Open your own checking account and start saving, get a part time job or
Thank you for your video. I am struggling with post affair by wife and feeling need for marriage recovery therapy but seriously afraid she will not want to. How best to get unfaithful wife to participate???
I have been no contact for 5 months. We lived in the same apartment building. I moved 1200 miles away, but the ap has my heart and always will. I disclosed so my wife would leave. I’m just hollow
Thank you for your honesty, Ben. As a betrayed spouse I beg you: If you only told your wife so she would break up with you, and you are absolutely sure there is no way back to her, please leave her. I have been through this and it is hell for the betrayed because we sense something is wrong. It sounds as if you are especially troubled by accepting the blame. You are doing your wife no favour.
If you dont anymore love your wife just go away. Continuously lying your feelings for her is betrayal. She had more than enough pain when you committed infidelity, stop prolonging her agony, she doesnt deserve what you’re doing to her.
I’m the unfaithful and physical intimacy with my spouse depresses me. I’m not attracted to her. She’s trying and way farther in recovery than myself. Cutting of the affair killed my sex drive. It makes me sad. I do not feel guilt or shame. I feel shame for ending the affair. But I only felt shame about lying about the affair. After I disclosed I was still in the affair for 2 years. I probably sound like a monster, but that is my truth. I’m enneagram 8w7 sx, entj-a, dominant, dismissive avoidant, empath, type a, alpha male, with angry mommy syndrome
Then leave your poor wife alone to get on w/ her life. If your ap is the only one who floats your boat, and you have no real conscience about your affair, then not sure why you didn't leave and make it legitmate.
Does she know? You need help and I hope you aren't wasting her time. I recommend a psychiatrist to dig deeper on your lack of remorse and depression. Not doing anything to see what's going on is just going to get worse. You only have one life so please don't lead her on or give her false hope if that's what you're doing. It's contributing to problems, not solutions. You feel how you feel but please get help through a professional and perhaps affair recovery. It's important to rule out any mental health or personality disorders which is nothing to be ashamed of. Do you think if she gave up you would feel this way or do you think you would suddenly have a change of heart and try to save the relationship?
What stood out to me is that she is doing more work on herself then you are. And it looks like you can identify some personal issues of your own. It seems like working on yourself would help you period. If your gonna try to fight for your family please show up as the best version of yourself that you can. I think another truth is that neither one of those women were/are receiving the best version of you...you aren't receiving the best version of you. Your honesty is a great start...I hope you can do better
I see very few likes on these videos. I wonder if many are like myself. I've been so lost for so long after betrayal that once I stumbled upon these, for me, life changing videos, I forget to hit like because I can't wait to get to the next. Sorry Affair Recovery. I'll do better. 😅
This hit home in an uncomfortable way , I am the betrayed , it’s been almost a year since d day, I still feel like I need to perform, I still have moments of panic and that he will leave if I’m not perfect
This is one of the most insightful videos AR has done! We are nearly 2 yrs into our recovery and this is our major next hurdle. We need MORE videos discussing recovery AFTER the initial discovery and 1 yr mark. This is where I feel many couples are and both the betrayer (me) and the betrayed (my wife) get “stuck”.
More from Stephanie please 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 she’s aces!!!
After finding out about my husbands affair I didn’t withhold sex. After about two months I found out that he was able to have sex with her multiple times so much he “lost count”. Where as with me he will have sex once and be done. After learning that I haven’t been able to be intimate with him. That was never something we had an issue with before or after the affair. But I can’t get over the fact that maybe he’s not as attracted to me as he was to her. What can I do? We have a therapist and it’s going great but this is something that I just can’t see myself getting over.
Can I ask how you went? Considering your comment is a year old. I'm in a very similar place and would like to know
Are you confusing intimacy with just having sex, or just performing? To me, intimacy is a deep understanding in connection with each other.
Glad to hear that you, two, are doing good. My Wife and I are doing a lot of those things for a while, now. I do love to snuggle. Being away from Home for a month at a time, i work on doing that a lot when i am at Home with her, to get that connection and to keep it alive.
I liked when she started to mention "touching". I have been traumatized by my husband's 14 years of betrayals that I can not make myself touch him. I cringe when I have the thought of doing it. In my mind I will not do it right! If u have any advice I would appreciate it.
What if it’s the other way around? The unfaithful male is having triggers and reminders of their names or faces during intimacy and feels guilt for ever doing that and now has trouble being physical, even kissing? But enjoys being together, cuddling, hand holding, and being open to being emotional and loving in other ways.
I understand this significantly. He has only initiated intimacy twice in over 5 years. I got tired of being rejected over and over and now I have mentally pushed that aside, but have resentments.
Boy oh boy do I understand. Nearly 2 years of counseling actually had us taking steps backwards....I'm in a sexless marriage.
Can we have a video dedicated strictly to the AP pregnancy. It’s talked about slightly in at least 3 videos I’ve seen but never a dedicated video just for that scenario.
You guys are fantastic. Very informative for me.
I'm the cheated wife and that's one of my big problem areas.
I know now - finally, after years of hunches, lies, fears and denial - for five months what has happened.
My husband told me a lot, maybe really everything. And he is - now finally again - completely there for me, every second, every black hour.
We've been together for thirty years this year. For twenty years he has repeatedly had phases in which he was very distant, but never told me what was really going on inside him.
In March '22, after I overheard something very alarming by sheer coincidence (a chat, but not what one would expect now) he came out as non-binary.
He's always had big problems with it, as a child he had only learned to suppress it, to be a "man", to have to be, otherwise not to be good enough.
It was exactly that - his softness, his sensitivity, his whole way I fell in love with, the whole person he was and he could never completely hide from me. He was always too much himself around me, too much "whole".
This became more and more problematic for him over the years.
So he withdrew again and again, always a bit more, fighting his own nature more and more.
Then came the famous midlife crisis.
The first time he tried to cheat (ons) during a company party, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling alarmed and called him; I knew immediately what was happening, noticed it in his panicked reaction.
He lied and lied... and I repressed. But this woman didn't "let him do it", a great insult to his suffering ego.
Then he had an emotional affair with a neighbor's 21-year-old daughter for months - he really, really wanted her badly, wanted to prove himself as a man. She didn't let him succeed either, she just gutted him.
Only since last week can I remember that back in 2016 I found a condom in his jacket pocket when I was looking for a lighter.
That day I broke, I immediately repressed what I had seen. I confronted him anyway.
He lied there too and I suppressed it again.
Our relationship became very distant, little by little I completely dismantled myself as a woman. I realize that there's nothing left of who I used to be.
After that he started going to prostitutes. He always chose very expensive beautiful women, no special service, only GF6.
Not often, five times from 2016-2021, and the last time he "couldn't" because he really didn't want to, he was already too far in his process (acceptance of what he really is) and he also wanted to "return" to me.
He told me this voluntarily.
I absolutely understand the hell he's been through, I'm so terribly sorry he had to go through it all by himself and I believe him when he says he loves me more than anything and always loved me, was always scared of losing me.
Still, I suffer.
Everything that is discussed in many of your great videos is happening to me.
I am very happy to have found your channel, it helps me a lot. Unfortunately, my husband's English is very poor, so he can only benefit indirectly from your videos.
We are both in therapy now, unfortunately I have a strong feeling that my therapist is "Choosing for Separation" which is exactly the opposite of what my goal is.
I love my husband dearly, finally we can be fully together again and have a real future together, so I need any help to heal. Thank you for finding this with you.
And this particular theme has always come over me when we get intimate. It often feels to me like the prostitutes are in bed with us (that feeling doesn't come from my husband), I have to fight that feeling so hard, it's horrible.
And on the outside, I'm the exact opposite of the beautiful, young, well-proportioned women who "you can tell they're doing something for themselves" that he booked. As a result, my hardly any self-confidence is finally in the basement.
Even though he says he's always found me attractive and loves my body, and the other women were just a reflection of his "ideal image" - why shouldn't he have picked the ones that turn him on the most? - which in the real world he doesn't would need, this point also haunts me particularly. I feel so inadequate and yes, I find myself "performing" or having the urge to do so over and over again.
Sorry for the long post.
This is really eye opening.
Definitely, powerful interview.
Thank you for sharing ❇️💚🌿
I wanted to know how long it took you to get back to the intimacy where it was normal after the affair(s)?
Being in these situations suck period. Some times i feel like we're dealing with child adults that don't have no self control. Also making Love suck, making marriage suck. Stepping out of marriage when they can just do those things to their spouse!!!
My situation I havent heard you talk about!.... I'm the unfaithfull spouse who was the bettayed spouse which lead to me also betraying my husband. My husband doesnt think he betrayed me when he was addicted to pronography but after 20yrs of marriage I betrayed him. Now.. I am having to 'own" it when I have all the feelings of the betrayed spouse rushing through me...
Because he was never physically intimate with someone else. I've had a husband who went from pornography addiction to actual ininfidelity. Trust me...the pain of actual infidelity with another person is 1,000 times worse than the betrayal you feel when they're looking at images of other people. Yes..of course his porn issue needs to be addressed. But the actual infidelity is the biggest elephant in the room so that takes a back burner for a while.
We are in the same boat except my husband had an actual affair 15 years prior and I had to suck it up and “get over it” cause it was a 1 time event. But we never went to counseling, we never got help. We had/have a good sex life, throughout our marriage but it was the emotional disconnect that lead to My emotional affair..and the prior unhealimg. I have complete remorse and am taking full responsibility for recovery yet he cannot forgive and states I don’t know what he feels😢 he’s triggered constantly when it comes to being intimate now, it’s so hard!! This was a great interview!
Love her stuff. How has she dealt over the years with all of the "others", flying monkeys that were involved in the knowing beforehand.
What about us people that can’t afford to leave their cheater?
If you want to leave the relationship but can't, make a plan so that you can one day. Open your own checking account and start saving, get a part time job or
Isn't it "just pushing through it" if you're crying from the beginning to the end?
Please do not do that. You deserve to have intimacy that doesn’t leave you broken.
Thank you! I would love to connect with Stephanie. How would I do that?
Thank you for your video. I am struggling with post affair by wife and feeling need for marriage recovery therapy but seriously afraid she will not want to. How best to get unfaithful wife to participate???
@13:00
I have been no contact for 5 months. We lived in the same apartment building. I moved 1200 miles away, but the ap has my heart and always will. I disclosed so my wife would leave. I’m just hollow
Thank you for your honesty, Ben. As a betrayed spouse I beg you: If you only told your wife so she would break up with you, and you are absolutely sure there is no way back to her, please leave her.
I have been through this and it is hell for the betrayed because we sense something is wrong. It sounds as if you are especially troubled by accepting the blame. You are doing your wife no favour.
If you dont anymore love your wife just go away. Continuously lying your feelings for her is betrayal. She had more than enough pain when you committed infidelity, stop prolonging her agony, she doesnt deserve what you’re doing to her.
I’m the unfaithful and physical intimacy with my spouse depresses me. I’m not attracted to her. She’s trying and way farther in recovery than myself. Cutting of the affair killed my sex drive. It makes me sad. I do not feel guilt or shame. I feel shame for ending the affair. But I only felt shame about lying about the affair. After I disclosed I was still in the affair for 2 years. I probably sound like a monster, but that is my truth. I’m enneagram 8w7 sx, entj-a, dominant, dismissive avoidant, empath, type a, alpha male, with angry mommy syndrome
Then leave your poor wife alone to get on w/ her life. If your ap is the only one who floats your boat, and you have no real conscience about your affair, then not sure why you didn't leave and make it legitmate.
Does she know? You need help and I hope you aren't wasting her time. I recommend a psychiatrist to dig deeper on your lack of remorse and depression. Not doing anything to see what's going on is just going to get worse. You only have one life so please don't lead her on or give her false hope if that's what you're doing. It's contributing to problems, not solutions. You feel how you feel but please get help through a professional and perhaps affair recovery. It's important to rule out any mental health or personality disorders which is nothing to be ashamed of. Do you think if she gave up you would feel this way or do you think you would suddenly have a change of heart and try to save the relationship?
Your honesty is important and hopefully it will provide a foundation for integrity which will lead to a sane and authentic outcome
What stood out to me is that she is doing more work on herself then you are. And it looks like you can identify some personal issues of your own. It seems like working on yourself would help you period. If your gonna try to fight for your family please show up as the best version of yourself that you can. I think another truth is that neither one of those women were/are receiving the best version of you...you aren't receiving the best version of you. Your honesty is a great start...I hope you can do better
It is easier to feel nothing than deal with individual childhood trauma issues. Now THAT is painful, but fruitful work.