Rebuilding Your Relationship after an Affair: Defense Mechanisms of the Betrayed
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 พ.ย. 2022
- Last time in the studio, Samuel interviewed expert therapist and infidelity survivor, Amanda Asproni, on the defense mechanisms of the unfaithful spouses. Today they continue their interview but shift to defense mechanisms of the betrayed spouse. While the unfaithful are quick to utilize these deflections in an effort to reduce blame, shift focus and take the attention off themselves, the betrayed also utilize their own defense mechanisms. How they utilize them is a bit different and may come from a different mindset than the unfaithful, yet they are still defense mechanisms which must be addressed and helped if the couple has a chance at healing. Join Samuel and Amanda today as they have a pivotal discussion in the healing of couples in crisis due to infidelity or addiction.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
You guys are So informative....I am a betrayed. I have been in such a puddle of emotional rubble since discovery. Thank you for all you do.
What makes sense is to stay faithful. It’s not that complicated. If you truly love your spouse you will honor your spouse!
It’s too easy in our society these days. It’s so sad.
Beautiful words in a fantasy world. Love is a choice, like everything that's worth having.
Agree
Just an idea that may not make sense to most:
I’m a 48 year old American and what I noticed is we have become a throw away culture with material goods and relationships.
When I was a kid you took care and maintained friendships or material things such as your car, refrigerator, clothing, shoes, so that they’d last. It was something to be proud of maintaining material things and friendships.
Now we take pride in consuming, experiencing, and collecting as much new as possible, partners, friendships, and things.
On my low days where I feel an overwhelming sadness because of my husband having an affair (we still live in the same home) there is no compassion or sympathy or kind word or hug etc. That makes me feel even more sad and he tends to become angry with me because I am sad. 😔
I know exactly how you feel now. I hope it's gotten better for you since you posted this.
My spouse admitted nothing would have changed. He says my pain snapped him out of his self absorbed bubble. Unfortunately, I was the one who had to strive to work on the recovery. He thought affection and cooking for me were the solutions to all our problems. I shouldn’t have to beg for someone to show me love through their actions. I shouldn’t have to give them a script to follow to show they care.
Same for me, I'm still giving him the instructions!
Infedelity is the worst thing to put yourselves through. It hurts everyone involved. No one benefits from it.
Those who gave your parnter second chance to be a better person I commend you of your strength.
What's a "countered affair?" What about if you asked "If I never found out, would you have stopped?" and their answer "No, probably not." That's left me wondering for 2 years, how long and far would it go on, if I hadn't followed my instincts?
i wonder the same thing. my spouse never planned on telling me.
Same thing I keep asking her the question and she has no answer! They had some elaborate plan to drive off into the sunset until I exposed the whole thing
What if the betrayed has always been the one to do the emotional work in the relationship? The betrayed can work on healing themselves certainly. But if the betrayer is lagging the betrayed do the work, finding the counsel or, reminding that there’s “homework” to do, not following up on things promised … I believe the statement “this is for you to fix” is well warranted and maybe even too kind.
This is almost always the case. I think it is because we were the ones who "lost" something in the affair. Lost the feeling of safety, lost the trust, lost what we believed. We are the ones who wanted to make things normal again. We were left to pick up the pieces.
This is so Helpful,just the other night we had a huge situation and I felt I could understand my wife's responses more then ever before...you all awesome.
This was an extremely helpful video. Thank you.
Thank you for this incredibly insightful video. I am the betrayed ,and it's 9 months in. My husband just revealed more information to me just the other day. I wish now that I had never heard him tell me that he lost interest in me many years ago. I feel lost emotionally and angry. Why stay in a marriage that isn't working for him? I have loved him and put him on a pedestal but he just didn't care that way about me. He says now he wants to make our marriage work. But I don't know if I can trust him or even do I want him after all this time?
Same boat. ☹️😞😔
I've watched a few videos but a few questions have been stuck in my head for a while now.
Isn't the unfaithful spouse in control of recovery?
Isn't the entire recovery process really slanted to give the unfaithful spouse more compassion and understanding?
What is the negative exactly of being unfaithful?
Why is it so universally noted and commented on that once a person cheats they will most likely cheat again?
For everything the main factors to my thought process is this... if counseling, safety, and building a healthier new relationship are an option why don't more couples simply purposefully cheat to get what they want? It is starting to seem like the betrayed has to conduct themselves with next to no self confidence and be at the mercy of the other person for as long as the relationship lasts. If the unfaithful socially has a second affair society and local social circles/family will not side with the betrayed a second time. They will often ridicule the unfaithful for giving the person a second chance and the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" will most likely almost mock them at every opportunity if they so choose to seek sympathy outside of marriage.
If I am the betrayed spouse, I want to walk away and work on myself. That is a safe process, i can still go to therapy and group counseling and do all the workshops and self care to build my confidence back up and begin to put my life and trust back together. Why must I as the betrayed spouse have to endure the shame of humiliation of staying with the person who caused so much trauma to my life and self image? Clearly I already wanted the relationship it's why we were in a relationship, they need to work twice as hard at the very least to even hope to remain acquittances let alone earn the right to be back in my life.
Agreed, the unfaithful should be doing everything in their power to heal, I’m sitting here wondering why he can freely and easily move on when I’m left holding the broken pieces of my life? It’s like a bully kicking your sandcastle that you spent hours on, then waking away while you try to rebuild. Not fair and why should we give them empathy?
Powerful!
Remember the parable about the son who returned after going astray? The faithful son was naturally confused. I think some of the facts were lost. Yes, he was welcomed home. Where was it that we learned to teach our children right from wrong but with uncondicontional love. The part that is lost tells of what the wayward has to do to learn to be like the faithful. Was that intentional, a mistake, or something that Satan caused to confuse the faithful?
This is exactly where I'm at. It didn't help that I already had a history of PTSD and prior toxic, unloving partners.
It's completely killed my self esteem, trust, and ability to love others. My partner refuses to put in the work, but refuses to leave.
It's hell on earth. It feels like the only option is to go live in poverty or die, and programs like this feel more shaming than anything.
Worst situation you've ever heard, please help me, I can't afford real help
Omg yes! @ 10:30 I have been looking for why I feel like I need all the info!
This is me right now. I want to know everything that happened/happening
What about when the. Betrayer has no remorse ? And blames it on the faithful spouse ?
This was my situation…being blamed, shamed. I also never got a remorseful apology.
I entered therapy myself. You must take control of what you can control. Based on the work your partner is willing to work on (or not), you at least will get, over time, more power for yourself and be able to make brave decisions
it happens all the time. it's part of their own shame and probably resentment so they way they cope with their own shame is blaming the betrayed.
@@lesliemontagne6797 My heart goes out to you! this is where I am, too. I would remain calm if he didn't continue to attack during any conflict. No true remorse. I truly wonder if he is so severely detached that he is incapable of any real empathy and he agrees.
In those cases definitely divorce. Even in cases where there is remorse divorce is certainly not off the table.
I know it’s a losing battle but I wish the betrayed understood how much the unfaithful beats themselves up. We have to live with it. We lost the trust for life. I’ll never have my own freedom again (location tracking on my phone - and rightfully so). That’s a hard realization knowing other couples have full trust and you will never ever have it. We might work back to 99% trust. It’ll never be 100%. Maybe that’s the selfish unfaithful talking - because that’s what we are. Selfish.
I wish my wife felt like this ,hes lucky
That's very heart felt and sincere, I was about to come on here to bash the unfaith spouses out there but I cannot disagree with the sentiment. You truly have lost the unconditional trust your partner had for you and I hadn't really stopped to consider that it would matter at all to a person who was unfaithful. Never stop working toward that 99%, your partner will appreciate and one day and I hope their pain and your relationship will heal. Good luck on your journey
Elizabeth, you have just explained everything I am dealing with, but I've been dealing with this for almost 3 years, l haven't found a good counselor with affair recovery back ground so l've been dealing with this pretty much alone, like you said it'll never be 100% trust, my problem was I trusted him 110% and he told me because of that he took advantage of the situation, that's what i get for being trustworthy, he had a 6 year affair, he called it friends with benefits😢😭,still crying over this
This is refreshing to read and thanks for sharing. I want to reconsile but she doesn't and we still live together but she's seeing someone else but it has all the signs that it's destined for failure for numerous reasons I can find outside of the obvious. She seems to have no guilt about it at all and there seems to be very narcissistic traits I'm seeing. I don't think that is fully the case but she doesn't think I'm deserving of her tears or her empathy. When she said it was over but still continues to live with me and expect me to provide expenses and services that don't solely serve myself or our kids I don't see or feel simply saying the words that we're not together really registered with me. So much of this was spot on with what I'm dealing with but I can't get her to consider counseling together. It feels sometimes that my existence is an irritation to her and no matter how much space I try to give and how cooperative or attentive or considerate I try to be for her and the kids she seems to always want to find fault in me. So much blame is placed on me and there is a lack of ownership. Her "ownership" is that she's doing this because it's what she thinks she has to do for what's best for her or the kids. There is no logic-ing anyone out of emotions though 😢
I feel you girl.
There was never really any trust, long before my betrayal, so the thought of ever being trusted again is out of the question.
Thankyou
Some unfaithful don’t care enough to protect the heart.
I need to talk to Amanda I’m doing all those things & worse she was talking about. How can I reach her? That link did not work for me.
this is my betrayed 100% he will not have anything to do with therapy. he rages and shames and name calls. he also had a revenge affair that he refuses to talk about much at all because he felt like i deserve it and have to deal with it. three years after his d day and we are still on this roller coaster and i have no idea how to help him. lots of loss and abuse when he was younger so he is used to cutting off people in his life that he thinks show him that they're a waste of his time.
Can you do a video on when the betrayed partner becomes emotionally abusive, obsessed with more information, interrogating, what is that line.
Interrogation wouldn't be needed if you told the full story and didn't self-protect.
To be fair; yes, I can see how, as the betrayed, it would be easy (if not doing your OWN work on YOUR OWN SELF), to slide into “that” way of being. ie becoming or staying controlling, punishing, spiteful, etc, regardless what the betrayer does to try and repair. I get it. Personally, I’m trying my best to NOT be “that bitch”, but damn… it’s hard, because if I let my guard down, he’ll probably do it again!? And if I WASN’T that bitch, I’d have never DISCOVERED/UNCOVERED his fuckshit in the first place!!? It’s like a double-bind. 😕 I’m working on myself the best I can to be a healthy person, not triggered or enmeshed so much with him. I’m trying to set up myself tho for what to do, how to get out, how to let go, IF we realize/decide that the way we relate just isn’t going to ever work or be safe or mutually beneficial. It’s all such a mind-fuck… after me, being ALL IN for 21 years w/my whole heart, raising 3 kids, and seeing how he’s NEVER been “all in”… and maybe never can be or will be or even WANTS to be?! Ugh… Jesus, help us.🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Is there some sort of statute of limitations on the amount of time that has passed where the betrayed should just be able to get over it? My partner and I have been dealing with this for 6 years. I reused his pleas for getting help in the beginning but as time went on up to present time I have wanted to get us some help but he says it’s too late for that and he’s not sure he even wants me anymore. I want help for myself for sure but I know our relationship won’t survive if he doesn’t get help either. Is it too late?
How much remorse have you expressed to your partner? I know this is why after 8 years there's still stress between my unfaithful husband and myself. He doesn't want to feel bad about himself and so he never wants to think about the results of his behavior and express his remorse to me. You stating that there should be statute of limitations shows me you don't want to face the consequences of your behavior either. As I have read from somebody else's earlier comment, the more compassion and empathy you show the more you will have returned to you. Are you expressing sorrow for your behavior? Do you want to be understood? Then you should Express understanding and sorrow yourself.
Do you have a program for covert abuse, like an addition to anger? Raising children is hard enough, but parents with cptsd, denial of it but reacting to a special needs child with attachment wounds, leaving isn't a fix. Ideas?
I found out through the Affair Partner. Would he have ever told me🤔
I wonder the same with mine.
No, he would not.
I wonder if you could address the sexless marriage problem I know many couples who are in this situation I as the women in a relationship with little to no physical intimacy have had many talks about this with my partner yet nothing improves does that mean I don't get sex for the rest of my life, I have to be honest makes me consider having an affair
I understand your problem.
My wife's still wants to be friends and visit with her boyfriend. How can I convince her that what she is doing is wrong?
It shouldn't be an option. Why would you accept that at all?
You don't need such a person in your life. Why allow 2 people who hurt still see each other?
@jerryperez5300 I am in the same position. 😢
The lady said everything is repairable, but I’m sorry to say she is wrong
The betrayer is the one that gets defensive. The betrayer has done it all to make it work and fulfill what he was missing.
I have come to believe that my betrayed is at least somewhat narcissistic and I'm her empath. My porn addiction replaced the sex she used to control me. That legitimately hurt the good side of her and I'm sorry. I think maybe the narcissistic side of her panicked at the loss of control... Good video but y'all's videos are SO much quieter than the rest of TH-cam.
why were you addicted to porn? you know its not healthy. its like taking in prostitutes in your life only virtual. its still cheating
If your addiction impacted her life significantly it is likely just that she is codependent. People in continuous pain tend to appear narcissistic to their abuser's, who are looking to hand off the accountability/responsiblity for their actions... Something to at least consider.
I just noticed your reply. Turns out I watched this a couple of months ago and she sent it to me today so I am watching it again. I think we have flip flopped the unfaithful/betrayed and codependent roles through our marriage. I do know that she has the moral high ground since I chose to hide in addition, and the amount of mercy and grace she has given me is just staggering. I thank God for His mercy and grace and for a sweet wife who loves me enough to leave me in the hope that I would choose to heal.