Luckily people are talking about it more and more - my mom hated me my whole life - she would drag me to psychologists just to prove I was the problem (that damaged me as a little girl) and every time the psychologist would point out she was the problem she got furious and just took me to another one until she couldn't find one to side with her and I finally stopped getting dragged to them...
@@Coetzeefamilysteadthank goodness for informative info these days. My mother hated me for trying to find another mother outside the house, l was thrashed for not being home brushes , my mother instigated my father to do this.
The enormous depressing thing is, you will realize that theMOST toxic people- ones who do the most harm- do not care if they are being taught, they will be irrationally ignorant to any signs their thinking and behavior is wrong. There is a selection of people who are able to make adjustments but I'm not sure that is even different because people who will do better, don't do so through an external stimuli ..rather their own self control and adjustments.. it all comes back to locus of control and borderline narcissist schizoid they have no control.
My husband knew all this. He told me repeatedly that when he acted terribly to me, even when he cheated on me once early in our marriage, he said it wasn't about me, it was about his mother. He would say it would never happen again because now he knows it's about his mom, and he wouldn't take it out on me again. And then he would turn on me in some awful way and emotionally hurt me again after swearing he never would because he knew "what was going on." I believed him. Again and again. Then he turned hateful and left me a few hours before I was hospitalized in respiratory failure from pneumonia. He's gone now. I can feel it. He hates my guts for no reason. One day he was in love and so happy and we were planning our retirement, then i got sick and he hated me. It all happened in one week. In love, happy and then to utter hatred and gone forever. It was a 25 year marriage. He never spoke to me again. It has been almost 3 months now but it feels like 100 years. He used to say, "tell me if i start acting mean and i will stop." I would and he would attack me. I said to him, "you told me you wouldnt do this again!" And he would say, "so what. I lied. Too bad."
It seems that narcissistic people always leave or are never there when you really need them. It's really a thing. Thanks for sharing your story. You'll get through this. I've been through that experience and healing my own traumas in therapy and I can see why I've chosen partners like this now too.
Yep... my Dad said ' tough shit' when I pointed out his behaviour to me totally unreasonable . Only way through is to put our boundaries in and prioritise healing ourselves so that this will never happen to us again ...Best wishes to you as you recover ❤
Idea: The old religious/Greek figures give mental/physical diseases through black magic and the medical community. They are schizophrenia, They are narcissism. They get inside bodies and conrol from afar. The old religion and Greek figures are all controlling our bodies and are the voices. They are getting in our bodies to rape, murder and speak thoughts that are not our own. They have long term evil intentions and a very long past to cover up. Religion has been used against the human population and the fear of hell for a long term purpose of keeping us controllable. This is beyond full body/mind control they can do magic style. The old religious figures and Greek have put people in genders of bodies that are not their own with an evil purpose. This is why trans people exist. And surgery is a basic human right. They are also responsible for detransitioners existing. They abuse on gender and sexuality and control in these areas to attempt to confuse and change souls from who they are. The old religious/Greek figures are arranging the marriages/relationships of the populace without consent. The psychic rapes are from old religious/Greek figures not a human person. It’s not kundalini as well. Twin flame is very dangerous. It’s a fate based system where everything is chosen for you on birth. That life is just planned and it actually is by the old religious/Greek figures to be honest. But truly if you think about extreme poverty and acid attacks you’d have to see life is not fated. It’s a mess. The universe couldn’t know you at 0. I would never try to take the idea of love or potential of love from someone. It's the idea it was created on birth your lover and it's very fate based. The world and you was done the day you were born. And it can be used against you the idea of a match up that is chosen in advance of you becoming you by the universe (but is the old religious figures). And that things are set in stone and you don’t choose your partner. It sets you up to not see abuse and to accept any treatment because they are the one. It’s so dangerous. You have a forever someone who will have to work to remain your forever just like you will but it’s not set in stone and no one knows who it is besides you. You just will have a lover. And it’s the religious and Greek figures trying to control people to get together. By forcing souls to be with one another without consent through manipulation and control. Trying to get in the idea that the universe knows your partner or yourself better than you. Trying to plant signs of something that is not. They do this with all sorts of topics. They are the one touching you and talking to you. Evil Cupids. Evil People. We all will win though. And people will know that control exists. Who is truly at fault. And love will be found. If you want it. And there is unlimited food/drink in heaven. I wish you all the best. 😅😮😢…😂❤😁
This is exactly how my boys biological father treated me. Had to draw blood on me for me to realize how very dangerous it was getting. My son asked what happened my arm that was clearly injured and his dad rush walked into the room so I clammed up out of sheer fear! Shortly after the domestic violence shelter documented it. It took twenty years for me to have physical evidence for me to leave and prosecute him. He paid everybody off and lied in court and showed a store receipt to the "judge" and said he could not have done that to me as he was at the store shopping at the time I contacted the police. Lame at best but I was treated poorly from family ever since because he is an expert liar. My lawyer through me under the bus. That was eight years ago and been watching Sam Vaknin ever since to understand the dark triad. Sam is right about everything! Kudos to you Sam Vaknin you truly saved me from a fate worse than death!
I’m so sorry you went through all of that. Things were escalating in my situation until an act of physical violence gave me a window to leave. I got a restraining order and forced the separation. We are now in the middle of selling our home so there has been some contact. He informed me that he had hated me and wanted to hurt me over the past 1.5 years (the abuse had started before then but he had a “reason” when I stood up to him 1.5years ago). He admitted it wouldn’t have stopped bc all he wanted to do was hurt me and make me feel as miserable as he felt. It was shocking but I’m so thankful I found the courage to get that order and stop him from hurting me further. I’m still careful around him while I have to be around him but my plan is full no contact once our house is sold and we’re fully done with the detangling of our lives. I wish you the best and wish you happiness and healing ❤️
I'm so happy for you! What a relief - I had to suck up 11 unnecessary years...and its still a little there in the background- but hopefully that's done this year!
Its sad when you delve into the origins of these personality disorders i see damaged people all around me and now i understand why i think of the future and how humans will develop i see mothers now with a phone constantly stuck to there faces and i think of the neglected children that are developing i understand now why narcissism is growing
I always thought that those brought up in the great depression were damaged, but this generation we have now, they are really growing up in a world of dysfunction. I hope this all ends soon, and I hope there will be people available to help them. This is a tragedy.
When our relationship started with my ex (npd), I new that he had problems wirh his family, a complicated relationship with his mother and father, but I was like 'who doesn't have?' but then, unfortunately it turned out a bit late, after he started to abuse me, that those 'difficulties' were a bit more serious than I could ever imagine... He also had an abusive treat with his parents, especially with his mother, sometimes up to physical violence (beating her), and with a constant mental abuse... And his mother wouldn't admit it to me, never, even after I tried to talk about it with her. It's crystal clear that the whole family is sick, and what I can do is to run as far as possible from them
I confronted my mother when I was 20. Her answer was that it wasn't so bad, and that it just was like that back then. A very unsatisfactory response, but I was glad I confronted her. It helped me detach, because I could see how little she cared.
My ex was/is an extension of his narcissistic mother. He was/is favored and smothered and she's always saving him from life's hiccups (his narcissistic mistakes) I have always hated her. Accepting that I wasted 4 years of my life with a narcissist is not easy, but I am 3 months into my journey of healing now, and taking it day by day. Thanks for this video.
Same - I had it for 11 years...luckily you got out early but it's interesting that no matter how little time you get abused it leaves a deep deep wound...I remember the day his mom turned to me and said wow I see now how much me and my son (name) are exactly the same - we are like the same person...then I knew what I was up against from all sides...unfortunately before his mask fell completely off I had two children with him - he was a complete monster by the time my second was born...luckily he left - for good (cant stand responsibility)...luckily for me after a couple of years they moved overseas (another grace) unfortunately for me as a single mother (back then) his mother continued her abuse for her entertainment - using the kids and child support as the way in...not anymore though - by end of this year - by God's grace we are stopping the child support altogether and there will be absolutely no contact- we have already cut complete contact for 4 years now - but receiving the irregular child support just irritates me...and I need to end it for my peace of mind.
@@Coetzeefamilystead End it! I did. I had a set of twins with the golden boy child of a malignant narcissist “smother”. They were joined at the hip.. didn’t know where she ended and her son began. Talk about a symbiotic entwined relationshit from the pit of hell! I said to hell with the court order of visitation, to heck with child support and disappeared on their assess! Yes ma’am.. cut it off! The children are so much better today! 🙌🏾
@franco2b145 amen! Yes it was ended YEARS ago...and I totally cut off everything end 2020 for good (all contact that only the 'smother'😈 insisted through her as her baba boy was too happy hiding behind her)...have never looked back...my life is amazing now without the devil in it👌
@@Coetzeefamilystead Yes! Good for you! Hope the kids are well also? Yes.. she was never a mother but damnn smother! It what I use to call her when she roamed the earth amongst us.. she went to her forever home. 🙅🏽♀️
May start my own podcast soon. People need to be saved from their insidious behavior. My birthday is the same as Sam's and I also taught myself to read by four years old to give her and her flying monkeys less leverage on me. My mother was a covert narcissist and I am too old now to be borderline and I did not turn into a narcissist. I knew she was not all good. I have narcissist in my family and or they married one. I dated them too but can not spend any time or energy on them!!!!! They will suck you dry and try to drive you insane so they can pretend to " rescue," you. The covert are the most treacherous as society buys their stuff hook line and sinker.
Absolutely the best lecture on NPD and BDP, I ever listened to on the origins of these personality disorders. Sam, you are truly a world expert on this field. No one on the web get remotely close to the way you share you knowledge and expertise. I lift my hat in admiration. Well done!
In addition to hide and seek games, I recommend a game where you stand at a distance away from your child, and he or she runs toward you. Hold your arms out as you’re waiting for their embrace. You’re safe my child, even as you try out agency and risk. And I’m here at the end of the run, with a big hug, so don’t worry.
It's also builds in a recall for safety reasons! Chase games can be dangerous to toddlers! Parents should never call a toddlers name and chase, it encourages them to run away from you. There will come a time when you need to shout at them and have them come to you, so it's much healthier & safer to get them to chase you while calling their name, it encourages a safety recall! *Nanny
With all the painstaking documentation and research done from Mahler and now on TH-cam with Professor Sam Vaknin I am eternally grateful! I can understand all the abuse from my XNarc and make sense of it, and move forward to a healthy life!
In other words - they are such broken people that the only reason they get into a relationship is to reenact the toxic relationship between them and mother so they can punish their partner for the things their mother did wrong to them that they could not stand up to before...the partner becomes a form of "voodoo doll" - looking for the perfect doll to play the perfect part...🤭🤢
yes! I can relate this a lot. My problem narc was constantly bringing up about his mother and blamed me for whatever he had from her and his family so on. It was endless accusation of whoever gave him harm but he didn't recognize that I was not there when all those things happened. So I gave up talking to this narc as the vide describes, he is living in a fantasy completely and never want to come out from it! It is so unbelievable first that those people do truly exist.
When the father is a narcissist the mother becomes a 'murdered mother', not a 'dead mother'. She is a drained of blood mother. The fathers role is central.
I know 2 narcissist who have perfectly happy 2 parents. The 2 set of parents in this cases were over indulging with the narc or absolute enablers. Parents often believe their children can do no wrong and if they find out they have, they'd minimise it.
@@Cersei-Lannister If he were dead it may be prefferable depending on the availability of better support networks for the mother and children. As a parrasite in the family ecosystem he feeds by emotionally bleeding the mother by counter-parenting, gaslighting, wrecklessness, covert thugery and investing in creating false virtuous exterior in public.
Things got bad after having a baby. I thought it was because my rose colored glasses lifted from the vulnerable narcissist but now i think it is also because he is jelous over baby.
My ex was in love with his mother. He would get drunk and tell me about her boyfriend abusing him and his brother, and tell me I was crazy when he was sober. When his mother beat him and his brother with a broom for breaking a window, they deserved it. When his step-sister called CPS on his mother for physical abuse, she was exaggerating. When his mother harassed me with my own vehicle and followed me and my daughter around after his discard, she didn’t harass anyone I was crazy. When she stole my decorations and pots and pans, that wasn’t stealing. She is perfect l.
My narc ex was similar. He loved his mother and saw her as a perfect figure. He often compared my behaviour to his mother. When I would caress or massage his hair, he would tell me that his mother does the same then he would ask me to do it more. He once told me that he never received real love except from his mother. And that there’s no real love except a mother’s love.
No.. the EX mil.. sent half naked selfies to her golden child son on a weekly bases! I discovered them in his Fort Knox, locked phone, one day when he forgot to batten down the hatch! Caught him slipping.. which was rare. Imagine the shock and disgust after seeing this! I screenshot them send them to my phone and I couldn’t even pretend to unsee them, I went confronted his nasty ass!
I used to find it weird that everytime we go abroad the narc would buy my own mother presents . But would refuse to buy anything for his mom. I always would say lets pick something for your mom too and he would say she doesnt need it . Who doesnt need a present ? I found that strange . He would say not so nice stuff about his mom and when you are trying to support him in that conversation, he does not like it . He all of a sudden changes what he was saying . Its almost like he only feels good bad mouthing his mom and u just have to listen and not add. I was always confused as to whether he loves his mother or doesnt ?
Did I just watch an hour and half of a horror show! this is so insightful! Thank you for the video!, I've been struggling to understand the separation and individuation that you've been mentioning in your previous videos..but now it's very clear and easy to understand!
I used to notice how the internal state of my four newborns would experience fear. Their arms would fly up in the Moro reflex as their heart palpitated and then repeat the Moro reflex a second time as they reacted to the pounding explosion of their heart beating, occurring internally. Then as I soothed them with holding or just my voice coming towards them, their fear would lessen but they would still be experiencing the internal sensations as they calmed down.
We mixed blood, you and me. Two hearts bleeding to the beat. We sat linked together at the hip, still and breathless, while we bled out on the floor of the small apartment. We were bleeding at the same rate, our heartbeats and wounds were in sync. Right in the eye of the storm. Everything was still and everything was chaos. While we bled ourselves ever emptier, and sat ever paler, in the middle of a lake of blood. We mixed blood.
Sjo thank you Professor for this video...I have 3 young boys so it took me a bit to work through it😅...this really helped me a lot...my ex narcissist was an absent father from day one...he completely ignored his own children and never interacted with them at all - he actually hurt my oldest son when he was very little (1 years old and younger) in ways that he could get "away with" like pinching him - sqeezing hard on his rib cage - splashing him in the face with pool water until he got a fright and choked on the wave of water splashed into his face- bad. So he left completely (and I thank God for it) as soon as my second son was born (my two older boys are a year apart)...so I became a single mom...his narcissistic mother however continued to abuse me and used the children as a way in until I finally cut them (her) off for good (she never allowed anyone in her family to talk with me and vice versa) so she needed to be cut off to end her abuse (and it was ugly). I was a single mother in total for about 6 years before I met my amazing husband who adopted my two boys as his very own...but I was always afraid that the boys not having a dad around for the first 6 years was so damaging to them...I'm so glad you took that weight off of my shoulders and helped me understand what I was dealing with - Thank you!
I really liked the summary with making clinging and a bit of aggressive bahaviours towards mom a normal reaction. Children have different regulating techniques and sensivities. My son copies what I did as a child - releases tension using his teeth and likes squeezing (also being squeezed etc.) plus lifting heavy objects. He was never taught that, he discovered it himself during explorations. It required a lot of boundary signalling from me and handling some frustration when I took away the part of my body being bitten😂 What you said is very much in line with self-reg and what we know about the nervous system in general, so, as a biologist, I love it!
Professor you are the best. Simply the best. Continue to open up the eyes of so many if us across the world. I believe we will see positive results in many of these toxic and near failure relationships soon. God bless you and keep up the good work.
I am seeing SO many parallels with this “2nd mom” idea and a couple of narcissists I have dated long-term. My suspected grandiose narcissist ex bf had an alcoholic mother. He always told me how I had long blonde hair like his mother. She died 2 weeks into us dating and their relationship did not end on good terms. Throughout our relationship I felt like I was responsible for him as if he was my son and not my boyfriend. I never put any of this together until seeing this video but looking back I always thought maybe he tried to replace me in his life as a motherly figure or something because he never really had one as a child. None of it was ever spoken or discussed, and there wasn’t anything weird or incestuous like that. But I would nurture him/worry about him like a mother. I recently woke up to the realization that my current boyfriend may be a covert narcissist/on the narc spectrum. When he was a kid, his parents had a divorce that was really hard on the entire family. His dad was basically out of the picture by that point. He was the only son and his mom would have emotional breakdowns and make him come into her room to comfort her while she was sobbing in bed. When he told me that, all I could think was emotional incest. Throughout our relationship he has always been emotionally unavailable and he would seem annoyed/dismissive when I would cry or be going through something emotional. If this mother connection is true, it makes so much more sense as he was probably traumatized by being forced to comfort his mom and see her in distress like that. In this “second mom” scheme he was placing a hard boundary with me when I was being emotional because that’s what he would have done if he could go back. And now, although he lives on his own, his mom does everything for him. She calls him frequently. Whenever he needs something she jumps on it like she is his secretary. Early on when he would start an argument or give me the silent treatment for not getting his way, I told him I am not going to wait on him hand and foot like his mom. Also, completely unrelated(before I ever noticed anything weird about his history or relationship with his mom), sometimes it would feel like he was trying to rebel/push back against me or something even though I never did anything to confine him and I would tell him I am his girlfriend, not his parents/mother. It’s so weird seeing how this all connects after watching this video.
Since I was a child I felt like I was taking care of my self, my dad died when I was 7 yrs old ,and I was molested by my brother I, grew up not trusting men ,my dad beat my mom up and cheat on her all the time ..,And the curse cycle happened with my kids ... sometimes I think I'm narcissistic ,but then I think I'm not ...I don't go around thinking let me mess with this person's mind...But I can get really angry and nasty with my mouth if I feel like I'm being lied to ... I'm 55 yrs old and I just stay away from everyone ...
You are the best informed individual i have heard on the subject of narcissistic personality “disorder”. I would love to see you include the Swiss doctor Alice Miller in your commentaries. She bucked the system and wrote so much about poisonous pedagogy! I found so much relief and understanding of my childhood in The Drama of the Gifted Child…i would love to have you include her in your studies! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I remember a very hard day when we were planning to visit my son and family. He was in therapy at the time. He text my husband not his biological father. “He said your are welcome to come, but Mom cannot come here because she is toxic. It hurt me beyond belief. But in the episode I see why he may have felt this. He was my son who became a nurse and was my youngest son. He is The one who took his own life. He was as his older siblings said he was my favorite. I always told my children I loved them all the same, but also as individuals. There was no difference in my mind as I raised my children for seven years as a single parent. Not without a relationship here and there. I felt so much sadness during that visit. My husband told him either we both visit or neither of us will visit. Wow this episode is so spot on. It’s hurting to hear but very educational.
WOW my husband didn’t like when I was nice ,so when I got mad he liked that,his mother was a cold fish but ,was extremely sexual,but very quiet and innocent like.never smiles an no real personality
I love how you can make it simple to understand, very complex concepts and i love your sense of humour. I have watched tons of videos on the subjec and no one has helped me understand the depth of the condition that is narcissism such as how you do it. (sorry for the limpy english)
42:22 I don't have a social smile. I only have a grin instead of that. Inside my face muscles are uncomfortable when I do it. So I ended up not doing it. My mother on the other hand is able to put up that fake smile whenever she spots an unknown new neighbor or anyone she can get a little narcissistic supply from. That type of smile generates disgust inside me. However when it comes to negative emotions and smiling/laughing, I can do the biggest smile while laughing at someone else's misfortune. But later something's kicks in and I feel disgusted of myself. But when I do that negative smile, inside I feel it's natural. After all, logically it's best for me not to smile. Zero is much better than a negative number or a fake positive number. I think this zero is the >nothingness< the professor talks about.
Question: his parents had weird dynamic of competing to be “mom” This is a dynamic that bleed into our marriage. I was an attentive mom, but he tried to insert himself abs compete with me constantly. Really bizarre. How does this competition to APPEAR as mom impacted the child? he would tell me heart breaking stories about his mothers lack of care and concern. He would try to force her to be “maternal” volunteer her to watch our pets before the kids when she didn’t want too, and be so visibly dejected when she would refuse. I distinctly remember when our son was born after she left he was in a rage about her “not knowing how to hold a baby” i tried to be supportive but I got thrown under the bus for all of it. ( I called her about his suicidal ideation because I was terrified and she told me he was manipulating me- completely unbothered) His father was more grandiose I would say and mom is covert (extremely manipulative). Important insight! Thank you!
Sounds like people trying to establish dominance and control, upper hand. Also, I found the triangulation between me and his mom disturbing to say the least. Insulting his mother is equal to complimenting you, but the reverse of him insulting you to his mom/taking her side makes him feel like he is complimenting her.
Sounds to me like he had an unloving mother and the older he got and the more life experiences he had, the more he realised just how unloving she was. And he might have been having inner child flash insights.
Your mention of your husband and you where he appears as though he is competing with you- Perhaps it''s a subconscious projection. A playing out of the subconscious childhood dynamics of your husband. He becomes his father- the ?Savior and you become his own mother from the psychological replay from his own childhood. I wouldn't believe this is competitive behavior from your husband but a ?projection and replaying of his own childhood from his subconscious. He becomes his father and you are the role of his mother. This is the fantasy land of the mind and played out in the now.
@@rachellechavez9739 my narc ex was always triangulating me with her narc mom. I think many of the things however that she said her mom said may not have been true but she used her mom is a virtual triangulation object.
@@phildabney5487 Exactly. I just really don't know what was the real relationship with my MIL or husband. Before I knew the Narc stuff, it's what had me divorce.
i LIKE WHAT YOU SAY, BUT....what if the mother NEVER told her son he is a disappointment or she's sacrificed for him. What if she is caught in a narcissistic marriage with a man who has many childhood problems, some of which were with his brother and he sees the son as his brother and is mean, hateful and often mistakenly calls his son his brothers name. I see where the son pulls from the mother because he honestly believes she allowed the abuse. In reality she never saw beatings but plenty of verbal abuse for both of us. She spends her life defending the son and now he vacillates between a love and hate relationship with his mother. No amount of love, help, comfort seems to satisfy him now. How does a mother handle this situation especially since narcissists do not see themselves as such?
Can this be interchangeable with the father, if there is a role reversal? I mean if the actual mother is the working parent and the baby had been taken care of by an absent stay at home dad. could he cause the same trauma in the child?
Is the narcissistic jelous that my child has a good mother ? He always says you are a bad mother , you are a lazy mother . I do 💯 of the parenting since he is in another state .
Would it be expected that their mother would be the only person they ever seemed to love, respect, and were loyal to? Because this is what I have seen in both narcissists in my life. Is it because they have not really separated?
Sam, in one of the videos you talked about how a narcissist chooses a partner who is a borderline because he wants to be destroyed. If the narcissist's mother is borderline and the narcissist can't find a narcissistic supply, can he stay with a mother who destroys him for the rest of his life? I have a BPD and the ex-narcissist after separating from me started repeating the same cycle with the borderline mother.
Two Questions: Let assume you have a real good mother and father, but because of their work they have to let you in the care of your grandparents ( which let assume they are also allright) until age 4-5 years old (the real parents come and visits you on every weekend or skip one or two all this time) and after that, you will live with them ( your real parents) all the time. 2.If separation-individuation take place around age 2, from who you separate-individuate? your grandmother? or your real mother ( she also present in your life, but intermittent )? 2. If the answer is grandmother or grandfather, how do you see and what kind of relation do you have with your mother? Thank you!
In essence, Professor, you are saying that a narcissist is made in the first 36 months of a persons life. This should be taught in the lamaze class instead of breathing exercises 🤦♀️
I’m curious how do one explain well adjusted adults that had toxic mother. Is there such a thing as father wound? I’m thinking the father plays a role in creating a negative or positive home environment that can impact the mother which trickles down to the child.
I truly wonder if one of narcissist can watch one of those videos and finally realize it is about them! Then if they change? Part of me is still thinking of that possibility, when someone describes their internal state and mind so precisely, if they ever acknowledge that someone understand them very well so they finally change.
Acho que o narcista sente ciume do proprio filho sempre que pego no bebé me pede alguma coisa que ele pode pegar ou fazer sozinho. Também notei que o narcista faz tudo o que pode para que o nosso bebé passe mas tempo com a babá, arranja saidas para nós que duram horas, mas eu quero ficar em casa ai se não vou faz tanto drama.É como se quisesse que a vida fosse igual mesmo tendo um bebé. Quer 100% da minha atenção
Is there hope for them to be able to work through this and be able to change and live happily? My exes mother is still alive and around, very persistent and dependent. Any advice for adult men working through this???
@Prof Vaknin *Is Narcissism on a spectrum?? My partner of 6 1/2 yrs (I’ve been lovebombed/devalued/discarded for the 3rd and last time 1 month ago) displays some but not all of what you describe. Please explain. Thank you
So what is the margin of error in mothering that can yield a well adjusted adult? Too little attention and too much attention can cause npd but how much is too much and how little is too little ?
I watched my MIL treat my husband like a substitute spouse for years and there’s no doubt there are many issues and an unhealthy balance going on between them that’s contributed to some screwed up dynamics including what I believe is narcissistic abuse of myself but how does a mother treat a child like a substitute spouse?? Trying to figure that one out. So much is making sense and my eyes are opening but how exactly would that play out? Just curious?
Is there any video that can help fix issues in those phases? She is still in a toddler age but I see that one of those fases might went wrong or is proloning (due to court very wide contact without mother)
I think this should be taught in upper schools, so that all future parents will no how to avoid turning their children into a psychological mess.
Luckily people are talking about it more and more - my mom hated me my whole life - she would drag me to psychologists just to prove I was the problem (that damaged me as a little girl) and every time the psychologist would point out she was the problem she got furious and just took me to another one until she couldn't find one to side with her and I finally stopped getting dragged to them...
@@Coetzeefamilysteadthank goodness for informative info these days.
My mother hated me for trying to find another mother outside the house, l was thrashed for not being home brushes , my mother instigated my father to do this.
@jbuntine1255 I know - finally we can make sense of why we feel the way we do👌❤️
The enormous depressing thing is, you will realize that theMOST toxic people- ones who do the most harm- do not care if they are being taught, they will be irrationally ignorant to any signs their thinking and behavior is wrong. There is a selection of people who are able to make adjustments but I'm not sure that is even different because people who will do better, don't do so through an external stimuli ..rather their own self control and adjustments.. it all comes back to locus of control and borderline narcissist schizoid they have no control.
I know I am! Teaching my kids and their kids! It’s a MUST!
My husband knew all this. He told me repeatedly that when he acted terribly to me, even when he cheated on me once early in our marriage, he said it wasn't about me, it was about his mother. He would say it would never happen again because now he knows it's about his mom, and he wouldn't take it out on me again. And then he would turn on me in some awful way and emotionally hurt me again after swearing he never would because he knew "what was going on." I believed him. Again and again. Then he turned hateful and left me a few hours before I was hospitalized in respiratory failure from pneumonia. He's gone now. I can feel it. He hates my guts for no reason. One day he was in love and so happy and we were planning our retirement, then i got sick and he hated me. It all happened in one week. In love, happy and then to utter hatred and gone forever. It was a 25 year marriage. He never spoke to me again. It has been almost 3 months now but it feels like 100 years. He used to say, "tell me if i start acting mean and i will stop." I would and he would attack me. I said to him, "you told me you wouldnt do this again!" And he would say, "so what. I lied. Too bad."
Thank you for sharing your story. Sending love. ❤
It seems that narcissistic people always leave or are never there when you really need them. It's really a thing. Thanks for sharing your story. You'll get through this. I've been through that experience and healing my own traumas in therapy and I can see why I've chosen partners like this now too.
Yep... my Dad said ' tough shit' when I pointed out his behaviour to me totally unreasonable .
Only way through is to put our boundaries in and prioritise healing ourselves so that this will never happen to us again ...Best wishes to you as you recover ❤
Idea:
The old religious/Greek figures give mental/physical diseases through black magic and the medical community. They are schizophrenia, They are narcissism. They get inside bodies and conrol from afar.
The old religion and Greek figures are all controlling our bodies and are the voices. They are getting in our bodies to rape, murder and speak thoughts that are not our own. They have long term evil intentions and a very long past to cover up.
Religion has been used against the human population and the fear of hell for a long term purpose of keeping us controllable. This is beyond full body/mind control they can do magic style.
The old religious figures and Greek have put people in genders of bodies that are not their own with an evil purpose. This is why trans people exist. And surgery is a basic human right. They are also responsible for detransitioners existing. They abuse on gender and sexuality and control in these areas to attempt to confuse and change souls from who they are.
The old religious/Greek figures are arranging the marriages/relationships of the populace without consent. The psychic rapes are from old religious/Greek figures not a human person. It’s not kundalini as well.
Twin flame is very dangerous. It’s a fate based system where everything is chosen for you on birth. That life is just planned and it actually is by the old religious/Greek figures to be honest. But truly if you think about extreme poverty and acid attacks you’d have to see life is not fated. It’s a mess. The universe couldn’t know you at 0.
I would never try to take the idea of love or potential of love from someone. It's the idea it was created on birth your lover and it's very fate based. The world and you was done the day you were born.
And it can be used against you the idea of a match up that is chosen in advance of you becoming you by the universe (but is the old religious figures). And that things are set in stone and you don’t choose your partner. It sets you up to not see abuse and to accept any treatment because they are the one. It’s so dangerous. You have a forever someone who will have to work to remain your forever just like you will but it’s not set in stone and no one knows who it is besides you. You just will have a lover.
And it’s the religious and Greek figures trying to control people to get together. By forcing souls to be with one another without consent through manipulation and control.
Trying to get in the idea that the universe knows your partner or yourself better than you.
Trying to plant signs of something that is not. They do this with all sorts of topics. They are the one touching you and talking to you. Evil Cupids. Evil People.
We all will win though. And people will know that control exists. Who is truly at fault. And love will be found. If you want it. And there is unlimited food/drink in heaven.
I wish you all the best.
😅😮😢…😂❤😁
Hes ill... Never recover.
This is exactly how my boys biological father treated me. Had to draw blood on me for me to realize how very dangerous it was getting. My son asked what happened my arm that was clearly injured and his dad rush walked into the room so I clammed up out of sheer fear! Shortly after the domestic violence shelter documented it. It took twenty years for me to have physical evidence for me to leave and prosecute him. He paid everybody off and lied in court and showed a store receipt to the "judge" and said he could not have done that to me as he was at the store shopping at the time I contacted the police. Lame at best but I was treated poorly from family ever since because he is an expert liar. My lawyer through me under the bus. That was eight years ago and been watching Sam Vaknin ever since to understand the dark triad. Sam is right about everything! Kudos to you Sam Vaknin you truly saved me from a fate worse than death!
I’m so sorry you went through all of that. Things were escalating in my situation until an act of physical violence gave me a window to leave. I got a restraining order and forced the separation. We are now in the middle of selling our home so there has been some contact. He informed me that he had hated me and wanted to hurt me over the past 1.5 years (the abuse had started before then but he had a “reason” when I stood up to him 1.5years ago). He admitted it wouldn’t have stopped bc all he wanted to do was hurt me and make me feel as miserable as he felt. It was shocking but I’m so thankful I found the courage to get that order and stop him from hurting me further. I’m still careful around him while I have to be around him but my plan is full no contact once our house is sold and we’re fully done with the detangling of our lives.
I wish you the best and wish you happiness and healing ❤️
I am free of this now🙌🏼 After 20 years of misery, I have peace and a bright future🔥🙏🏻
I'm so happy for you! What a relief - I had to suck up 11 unnecessary years...and its still a little there in the background- but hopefully that's done this year!
I'm working on it. It gets worse , and worse ...
@@Coetzeefamilystead10 years of my precious life.
Its sad when you delve into the origins of these personality disorders i see damaged people all around me and now i understand why i think of the future and how humans will develop i see mothers now with a phone constantly stuck to there faces and i think of the neglected children that are developing i understand now why narcissism is growing
I always thought that those brought up in the great depression were damaged, but this generation we have now, they are really growing up in a world of dysfunction. I hope this all ends soon, and I hope there will be people available to help them. This is a tragedy.
i was a 'latch key kid" in the 1970s. the harm from simple neglect is real
Narcissism is being pushed in the media at the same time: It's a two-fold damaging effect.
@@uk7769same immigrant latch key kid
For real, seems like people don’t want to parent but they’re still having kids wtf
When our relationship started with my ex (npd), I new that he had problems wirh his family, a complicated relationship with his mother and father, but I was like 'who doesn't have?' but then, unfortunately it turned out a bit late, after he started to abuse me, that those 'difficulties' were a bit more serious than I could ever imagine... He also had an abusive treat with his parents, especially with his mother, sometimes up to physical violence (beating her), and with a constant mental abuse... And his mother wouldn't admit it to me, never, even after I tried to talk about it with her. It's crystal clear that the whole family is sick, and what I can do is to run as far as possible from them
@zsuzso7 I hope you have left him by now. I pray your life is so much better, brilliant even.❤😊
I confronted my mother when I was 20. Her answer was that it wasn't so bad, and that it just was like that back then. A very unsatisfactory response, but I was glad I confronted her. It helped me detach, because I could see how little she cared.
My ex was/is an extension of his narcissistic mother. He was/is favored and smothered and she's always saving him from life's hiccups (his narcissistic mistakes) I have always hated her. Accepting that I wasted 4 years of my life with a narcissist is not easy, but I am 3 months into my journey of healing now, and taking it day by day.
Thanks for this video.
Same - I had it for 11 years...luckily you got out early but it's interesting that no matter how little time you get abused it leaves a deep deep wound...I remember the day his mom turned to me and said wow I see now how much me and my son (name) are exactly the same - we are like the same person...then I knew what I was up against from all sides...unfortunately before his mask fell completely off I had two children with him - he was a complete monster by the time my second was born...luckily he left - for good (cant stand responsibility)...luckily for me after a couple of years they moved overseas (another grace) unfortunately for me as a single mother (back then) his mother continued her abuse for her entertainment - using the kids and child support as the way in...not anymore though - by end of this year - by God's grace we are stopping the child support altogether and there will be absolutely no contact- we have already cut complete contact for 4 years now - but receiving the irregular child support just irritates me...and I need to end it for my peace of mind.
@@Coetzeefamilystead
End it! I did. I had a set of twins with the golden boy child of a malignant narcissist “smother”. They were joined at the hip.. didn’t know where she ended and her son began.
Talk about a symbiotic entwined relationshit from the pit of hell! I said to hell with the court order of visitation, to heck with child support and disappeared on their assess!
Yes ma’am.. cut it off! The children are so much better today! 🙌🏾
@franco2b145 amen! Yes it was ended YEARS ago...and I totally cut off everything end 2020 for good (all contact that only the 'smother'😈 insisted through her as her baba boy was too happy hiding behind her)...have never looked back...my life is amazing now without the devil in it👌
@@Coetzeefamilystead
Yes! Good for you! Hope the kids are well also? Yes.. she was never a mother but damnn smother! It what I use to call her when she roamed the earth amongst us.. she went to her forever home. 🙅🏽♀️
May start my own podcast soon.
People need to be saved from their insidious behavior. My birthday is the same as Sam's and I also taught myself to read by four years old to give her and her flying monkeys less leverage on me. My mother was a covert narcissist and I am too old now to be borderline and I did not turn into a narcissist. I knew she was not all good. I have narcissist in my family and or they married one. I dated them too but can not spend any time or energy on them!!!!!
They will suck you dry and try to drive you insane so they can pretend to " rescue," you. The covert are the most treacherous as society buys their stuff hook line and sinker.
Absolutely the best lecture on NPD and BDP, I ever listened to on the origins of these personality disorders. Sam, you are truly a world expert on this field. No one on the web get remotely close to the way you share you knowledge and expertise. I lift my hat in admiration. Well done!
In addition to hide and seek games, I recommend a game where you stand at a distance away from your child, and he or she runs toward you. Hold your arms out as you’re waiting for their embrace. You’re safe my child, even as you try out agency and risk. And I’m here at the end of the run, with a big hug, so don’t worry.
It's also builds in a recall for safety reasons! Chase games can be dangerous to toddlers! Parents should never call a toddlers name and chase, it encourages them to run away from you. There will come a time when you need to shout at them and have them come to you, so it's much healthier & safer to get them to chase you while calling their name, it encourages a safety recall!
*Nanny
With all the painstaking documentation and research done from Mahler and now on TH-cam with Professor Sam Vaknin I am eternally grateful! I can understand all the abuse from my XNarc and make sense of it, and move forward to a healthy life!
In other words - they are such broken people that the only reason they get into a relationship is to reenact the toxic relationship between them and mother so they can punish their partner for the things their mother did wrong to them that they could not stand up to before...the partner becomes a form of "voodoo doll" - looking for the perfect doll to play the perfect part...🤭🤢
Not punish. Separate. But to accomplish this, they must devalue the partner and discard her. Watch the shared fantasy playlist.
@samvaknin thank you I'm going through all your videos - lived in pain far too long- Thank you Professor🙏
yes! I can relate this a lot. My problem narc was constantly bringing up about his mother and blamed me for whatever he had from her and his family so on. It was endless accusation of whoever gave him harm but he didn't recognize that I was not there when all those things happened. So I gave up talking to this narc as the vide describes, he is living in a fantasy completely and never want to come out from it! It is so unbelievable first that those people do truly exist.
@@samvakninbut even when they separate, they comeback lol
When the father is a narcissist the mother becomes a 'murdered mother', not a 'dead mother'. She is a drained of blood mother. The fathers role is central.
blood=life
So, mother is drained of life energy.
I know 2 narcissist who have perfectly happy 2 parents. The 2 set of parents in this cases were over indulging with the narc or absolute enablers. Parents often believe their children can do no wrong and if they find out they have, they'd minimise it.
Mother role is central, but narcissist father plays the role if dead parent?
@@Cersei-Lannister If he were dead it may be prefferable depending on the availability of better support networks for the mother and children. As a parrasite in the family ecosystem he feeds by emotionally bleeding the mother by counter-parenting, gaslighting, wrecklessness, covert thugery and investing in creating false virtuous exterior in public.
@@saturnsbogbookMy take is that they’re the dead parent only in the sense that they’re the parent from Hell
This video is worth more than gold
It's always pleasure to listen to your deepest analysis
My mother give me chills...
Things got bad after having a baby. I thought it was because my rose colored glasses lifted from the vulnerable narcissist but now i think it is also because he is jelous over baby.
Yes.. the baby took the attention off of him…aka pacifiers were switched!
Hope you have left. Please watch that child like hawk!
My ex was in love with his mother. He would get drunk and tell me about her boyfriend abusing him and his brother, and tell me I was crazy when he was sober. When his mother beat him and his brother with a broom for breaking a window, they deserved it. When his step-sister called CPS on his mother for physical abuse, she was exaggerating. When his mother harassed me with my own vehicle and followed me and my daughter around after his discard, she didn’t harass anyone I was crazy. When she stole my decorations and pots and pans, that wasn’t stealing. She is perfect l.
My narc ex was similar. He loved his mother and saw her as a perfect figure. He often compared my behaviour to his mother. When I would caress or massage his hair, he would tell me that his mother does the same then he would ask me to do it more. He once told me that he never received real love except from his mother. And that there’s no real love except a mother’s love.
No.. the EX mil.. sent half naked selfies to her golden child son on a weekly bases!
I discovered them in his Fort Knox, locked phone, one day when he forgot to batten down the hatch! Caught him slipping.. which was rare.
Imagine the shock and disgust after seeing this! I screenshot them send them to my phone and I couldn’t even pretend to unsee them, I went confronted his nasty ass!
I have never read or heard a better explanation of attachment! Thank you very much.
I used to find it weird that everytime we go abroad the narc would buy my own mother presents . But would refuse to buy anything for his mom. I always would say lets pick something for your mom too and he would say she doesnt need it . Who doesnt need a present ? I found that strange . He would say not so nice stuff about his mom and when you are trying to support him in that conversation, he does not like it . He all of a sudden changes what he was saying . Its almost like he only feels good bad mouthing his mom and u just have to listen and not add. I was always confused as to whether he loves his mother or doesnt ?
Did I just watch an hour and half of a horror show! this is so insightful! Thank you for the video!, I've been struggling to understand the separation and individuation that you've been mentioning in your previous videos..but now it's very clear and easy to understand!
I used to notice how the internal state of my four newborns would experience fear. Their arms would fly up in the Moro reflex as their heart palpitated and then repeat the Moro reflex a second time as they reacted to the pounding explosion of their heart beating, occurring internally. Then as I soothed them with holding or just my voice coming towards them, their fear would lessen but they would still be experiencing the internal sensations as they calmed down.
We mixed blood, you and me.
Two hearts bleeding to the beat.
We sat linked together at the hip, still and breathless, while we bled out on the floor of the small apartment.
We were bleeding at the same rate, our heartbeats and wounds were in sync.
Right in the eye of the storm.
Everything was still and everything was chaos.
While we bled ourselves ever emptier, and sat ever paler, in the middle of a lake of blood.
We mixed blood.
Sjo thank you Professor for this video...I have 3 young boys so it took me a bit to work through it😅...this really helped me a lot...my ex narcissist was an absent father from day one...he completely ignored his own children and never interacted with them at all - he actually hurt my oldest son when he was very little (1 years old and younger) in ways that he could get "away with" like pinching him - sqeezing hard on his rib cage - splashing him in the face with pool water until he got a fright and choked on the wave of water splashed into his face- bad.
So he left completely (and I thank God for it) as soon as my second son was born (my two older boys are a year apart)...so I became a single mom...his narcissistic mother however continued to abuse me and used the children as a way in until I finally cut them (her) off for good (she never allowed anyone in her family to talk with me and vice versa) so she needed to be cut off to end her abuse (and it was ugly). I was a single mother in total for about 6 years before I met my amazing husband who adopted my two boys as his very own...but I was always afraid that the boys not having a dad around for the first 6 years was so damaging to them...I'm so glad you took that weight off of my shoulders and helped me understand what I was dealing with - Thank you!
I really liked the summary with making clinging and a bit of aggressive bahaviours towards mom a normal reaction. Children have different regulating techniques and sensivities. My son copies what I did as a child - releases tension using his teeth and likes squeezing (also being squeezed etc.) plus lifting heavy objects. He was never taught that, he discovered it himself during explorations. It required a lot of boundary signalling from me and handling some frustration when I took away the part of my body being bitten😂 What you said is very much in line with self-reg and what we know about the nervous system in general, so, as a biologist, I love it!
Professor you are the best.
Simply the best.
Continue to open up the eyes of so many if us across the world. I believe we will see positive results in many of these toxic and near failure relationships soon.
God bless you and keep up the good work.
I am seeing SO many parallels with this “2nd mom” idea and a couple of narcissists I have dated long-term.
My suspected grandiose narcissist ex bf had an alcoholic mother. He always told me how I had long blonde hair like his mother. She died 2 weeks into us dating and their relationship did not end on good terms.
Throughout our relationship I felt like I was responsible for him as if he was my son and not my boyfriend. I never put any of this together until seeing this video but looking back I always thought maybe he tried to replace me in his life as a motherly figure or something because he never really had one as a child. None of it was ever spoken or discussed, and there wasn’t anything weird or incestuous like that. But I would nurture him/worry about him like a mother.
I recently woke up to the realization that my current boyfriend may be a covert narcissist/on the narc spectrum. When he was a kid, his parents had a divorce that was really hard on the entire family. His dad was basically out of the picture by that point. He was the only son and his mom would have emotional breakdowns and make him come into her room to comfort her while she was sobbing in bed. When he told me that, all I could think was emotional incest.
Throughout our relationship he has always been emotionally unavailable and he would seem annoyed/dismissive when I would cry or be going through something emotional.
If this mother connection is true, it makes so much more sense as he was probably traumatized by being forced to comfort his mom and see her in distress like that.
In this “second mom” scheme he was placing a hard boundary with me when I was being emotional because that’s what he would have done if he could go back.
And now, although he lives on his own, his mom does everything for him. She calls him frequently. Whenever he needs something she jumps on it like she is his secretary.
Early on when he would start an argument or give me the silent treatment for not getting his way, I told him I am not going to wait on him hand and foot like his mom.
Also, completely unrelated(before I ever noticed anything weird about his history or relationship with his mom), sometimes it would feel like he was trying to rebel/push back against me or something even though I never did anything to confine him and I would tell him I am his girlfriend, not his parents/mother.
It’s so weird seeing how this all connects after watching this video.
Since I was a child I felt like I was taking care of my self, my dad died when I was 7 yrs old ,and I was molested by my brother I, grew up not trusting men ,my dad beat my mom up and cheat on her all the time ..,And the curse cycle happened with my kids ... sometimes I think I'm narcissistic ,but then I think I'm not ...I don't go around thinking let me mess with this person's mind...But I can get really angry and nasty with my mouth if I feel like I'm being lied to ... I'm 55 yrs old and I just stay away from everyone ...
You are the best informed individual i have heard on the subject of narcissistic personality “disorder”. I would love to see you include the Swiss doctor Alice Miller in your commentaries. She bucked the system and wrote so much about poisonous pedagogy! I found so much relief and understanding of my childhood in The Drama of the Gifted Child…i would love to have you include her in your studies! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I did. Search the channel for “gift”.
I remember a very hard day when we were planning to visit my son and family. He was in therapy at the time.
He text my husband not his biological father. “He said your are welcome to come, but Mom cannot come here because she is toxic. It hurt me beyond belief. But in the episode I see why he may have felt this. He was my son who became a nurse and was my youngest son. He is The one who took his own life. He was as his older siblings said he was my favorite. I always told my children I loved them all the same, but also as individuals. There was no difference in my mind as I raised my children for seven years as a single parent. Not without a relationship here and there. I felt so much sadness during that visit. My husband told him either we both visit or neither of us will visit.
Wow this episode is so spot on. It’s hurting to hear but very educational.
One of your best lectures. Kudos!
WOW my husband didn’t like when I was nice ,so when I got mad he liked that,his mother was a cold fish but ,was extremely sexual,but very quiet and innocent like.never smiles an no real personality
Excellent lecture and explanation!🔥🔥
I love how you can make it simple to understand, very complex concepts and i love your sense of humour. I have watched tons of videos on the subjec and no one has helped me understand the depth of the condition that is narcissism such as how you do it. (sorry for the limpy english)
Thank you, Prof ! So informative and thought-provoking as always.
42:22 I don't have a social smile. I only have a grin instead of that. Inside my face muscles are uncomfortable when I do it. So I ended up not doing it. My mother on the other hand is able to put up that fake smile whenever she spots an unknown new neighbor or anyone she can get a little narcissistic supply from. That type of smile generates disgust inside me.
However when it comes to negative emotions and smiling/laughing, I can do the biggest smile while laughing at someone else's misfortune. But later something's kicks in and I feel disgusted of myself. But when I do that negative smile, inside I feel it's natural.
After all, logically it's best for me not to smile. Zero is much better than a negative number or a fake positive number. I think this zero is the >nothingness< the professor talks about.
Question: his parents had weird dynamic of competing to be “mom”
This is a dynamic that bleed into our marriage. I was an attentive mom, but he tried to insert himself abs compete with me constantly. Really bizarre. How does this competition to APPEAR as mom impacted the child?
he would tell me heart breaking stories about his mothers lack of care and concern.
He would try to force her to be “maternal” volunteer her to watch our pets before the kids when she didn’t want too, and be so visibly dejected when she would refuse.
I distinctly remember when our son was born after she left he was in a rage about her “not knowing how to hold a baby” i tried to be supportive but I got thrown under the bus for all of it.
( I called her about his suicidal ideation because I was terrified and she told me he was manipulating me- completely unbothered)
His father was more grandiose I would say and mom is covert (extremely manipulative).
Important insight! Thank you!
Sounds like people trying to establish dominance and control, upper hand. Also, I found the triangulation between me and his mom disturbing to say the least. Insulting his mother is equal to complimenting you, but the reverse of him insulting you to his mom/taking her side makes him feel like he is complimenting her.
Sounds to me like he had an unloving mother and the older he got and the more life experiences he had, the more he realised just how unloving she was.
And he might have been having inner child flash insights.
Your mention of your husband and you where he appears as though he is competing with you- Perhaps it''s a subconscious projection.
A playing out of the subconscious childhood dynamics of your husband. He becomes his father- the ?Savior and you become his own mother from the psychological replay from his own childhood.
I wouldn't believe this is competitive behavior from your husband but a ?projection and replaying of his own childhood from his subconscious. He becomes his father and you are the role of his mother. This is the fantasy land of the mind and played out in the now.
@@rachellechavez9739 my narc ex was always triangulating me with her narc mom. I think many of the things however that she said her mom said may not have been true but she used her mom is a virtual triangulation object.
@@phildabney5487 Exactly. I just really don't know what was the real relationship with my MIL or husband. Before I knew the Narc stuff, it's what had me divorce.
This is why they fight the partner for custody, they need to remove her role as a mother.
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin❤
Brilliant and very well explained.
i LIKE WHAT YOU SAY, BUT....what if the mother NEVER told her son he is a disappointment or she's sacrificed for him. What if she is caught in a narcissistic marriage with a man who has many childhood problems, some of which were with his brother and he sees the son as his brother and is mean, hateful and often mistakenly calls his son his brothers name. I see where the son pulls from the mother because he honestly believes she allowed the abuse. In reality she never saw beatings but plenty of verbal abuse for both of us. She spends her life defending the son and now he vacillates between a love and hate relationship with his mother. No amount of love, help, comfort seems to satisfy him now. How does a mother handle this situation especially since narcissists do not see themselves as such?
My question for you Sam ..does the excual death of narcissist mother can change anything in his attitude towards women?
Yes, if it occurs during the formative years (0-6).
@@samvaknin can I ask, what about the situation when his mother dies when he is in his 20s?
My n-mom's mother ended her life in her 40s. I never got to meet her.
Can this be interchangeable with the father, if there is a role reversal? I mean if the actual mother is the working parent and the baby had been taken care of by an absent stay at home dad. could he cause the same trauma in the child?
Yes. The “mother” is any primary caregiver.
Oh, crap!!!!
Thank you, Dr. Vaknin! Your videos are healing me, and I cannot thank you enough.
Is the narcissistic jelous that my child has a good mother ? He always says you are a bad mother , you are a lazy mother . I do 💯 of the parenting since he is in another state .
Yes, he could be jealous of the kid.
youre a cool guy, professor
Would it be expected that their mother would be the only person they ever seemed to love, respect, and were loyal to? Because this is what I have seen in both narcissists in my life. Is it because they have not really separated?
Most narcissists hate their real mothers.
@samvaknin
You are correct….my husband hates his Mother and has expressed wishing her dead many times.
She’s evil…. And no one can stand her.
Sam, in one of the videos you talked about how a narcissist chooses a partner who is a borderline because he wants to be destroyed. If the narcissist's mother is borderline and the narcissist can't find a narcissistic supply, can he stay with a mother who destroys him for the rest of his life? I have a BPD and the ex-narcissist after separating from me started repeating the same cycle with the borderline mother.
Yes.
They not playing
Two Questions:
Let assume you have a real good mother and father, but because of their work they have to let you in the care of your grandparents ( which let assume they are also allright) until age 4-5 years old (the real parents come and visits you on every weekend or skip one or two all this time) and after that, you will live with them ( your real parents) all the time.
2.If separation-individuation take place around age 2, from who you separate-individuate? your grandmother? or your real mother ( she also present in your life, but intermittent )?
2. If the answer is grandmother or grandfather, how do you see and what kind of relation do you have with your mother?
Thank you!
The maternal figure would be the actual caregiver, regardless of biology or genitalia.
I would love to hear about the narcissist's dynamics with their FATHER.
Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
Thank you Sam
Why do I think, that only the Narcisst can heal my wound?
In essence, Professor, you are saying that a narcissist is made in the first 36 months of a persons life. This should be taught in the lamaze class instead of breathing exercises 🤦♀️
I’m curious how do one explain well adjusted adults that had toxic mother. Is there such a thing as father wound?
I’m thinking the father plays a role in creating a negative or positive home environment that can impact the mother which trickles down to the child.
Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
I totally agree with you. My husband created a toxic atmosphere in the house and it affected my son badly
I’m 24, my mom left when I was 10.
I truly wonder if one of narcissist can watch one of those videos and finally realize it is about them! Then if they change? Part of me is still thinking of that possibility, when someone describes their internal state and mind so precisely, if they ever acknowledge that someone understand them very well so they finally change.
Then you have learned nothing about narcissism. Zilch.
@@samvaknin so I guess if they ever change or can watch one of those videos and think it could be about them, then they are not real narcissist.
Acho que o narcista sente ciume do proprio filho sempre que pego no bebé me pede alguma coisa que ele pode pegar ou fazer sozinho. Também notei que o narcista faz tudo o que pode para que o nosso bebé passe mas tempo com a babá, arranja saidas para nós que duram horas, mas eu quero ficar em casa ai se não vou faz tanto drama.É como se quisesse que a vida fosse igual mesmo tendo um bebé. Quer 100% da minha atenção
Thank you!!!!!
Is there hope for them to be able to work through this and be able to change and live happily? My exes mother is still alive and around, very persistent and dependent. Any advice for adult men working through this???
Interesting topic
@Prof Vaknin
*Is Narcissism on a spectrum??
My partner of 6 1/2 yrs
(I’ve been lovebombed/devalued/discarded for the 3rd and last time 1 month ago)
displays some but not all of what you describe.
Please explain. Thank you
Search the channel.
So what is the margin of error in mothering that can yield a well adjusted adult? Too little attention and too much attention can cause npd but how much is too much and how little is too little ?
Search the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
@@samvaknin thank you
I'm so sorry my mother died before I could confront her about her vicious negative cruel narcissistic behavior. When I look back
I must watch that movie! 😂
What if the parents die and the child is abandoned.
How does narcissist develop from that
Search the From Child playlist.
I watched my MIL treat my husband like a substitute spouse for years and there’s no doubt there are many issues and an unhealthy balance going on between them that’s contributed to some screwed up dynamics including what I believe is narcissistic abuse of myself but how does a mother treat a child like a substitute spouse?? Trying to figure that one out. So much is making sense and my eyes are opening but how exactly would that play out? Just curious?
Is this only with narcissistic mothers?
Search the From Child playlist.
I can't find this Talk on VAKNIN TALKS.
Thanks for the heads up.
I sure wish i could talk to you
Galatea
Toxic Stew ❤
Is there any video that can help fix issues in those phases? She is still in a toddler age but I see that one of those fases might went wrong or is proloning (due to court very wide contact without mother)
The prognosis improves the younger the patient.
Dr, what can we do to help those children who have either bpd or npd organization? What kind of therapy? What can a family do?
That's my only question????
Mom I have unresolved issues with you.... Dam it you make me CRAZY!!!!!
Your hair cut looks nice. Just Saying