Narcissist's Partner: Admire Me, Play with Me, Mother Me
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 พ.ค. 2020
- There are three phases to the narcissist's relationships with women.
The ADMIRER: endows the narcissist with the confidence needed to approach the woman (only his brain or body are attractive, the rest and his personality are repulsive)
The PLAYMATE: includes rudimentary courting, sex, and fun activities and simulates the typical behaviors of a MAN in the initial stages of a relationship. Helps to deceive both the narcissist and the woman into believing that he is a proper, fully-evolved man (albeit childlike).
The MOTHER: makes the narcissist feel safe, ensconced and immersed in unconditional love as a child. The woman is then free to outsource her needs - including sex and intimacy - with other men as long as she doesn't act maliciously or vengefully (to hurt the narcissist), is committed to him, pledges to not abandon him, and doesn't cross certain boundaries and provoke abandonment anxiety.
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Because he never had a real attachment to his biological mother. She was emotionally unavailable to him in his formative years. He is missing that part of his development.
Amazing observation. I believe it true.
Linda Smillie Hey, check out psychic incest. This is probably enmeshed son with her mother. (your husband is enmeshed with his mother - that usually happens when a father is enotionally unavailable and the wife turns to his son for emotional closeness - it's called incest and it lasts because your husband isn't aware of it)
100% correct for my Narc.
I lived that. It's exhausting & I feel I lost the respect from my kids, hard for them to understand, when they knew how strong I was before him.
Yes!! I never understood why my BF was so mean to his mom. It seemed to be for no reason. But after getting to know her, she definitely has narcissistic tendencies. Also his sister bullied him a lot when he was younger. I don’t think his mom did anything to protect him either. It’s sad and unfortunate.
I've not cheated but I am leaving. I cannot will not assume the responsibility of trying to mother a child who must control his "mother/wife" (who uses violence, emotional and mental manipulation). This is dangerous to my welfare. I am leaving.
You explained everything that I was thinking, but my marriage is in the 32nd year of misery and now i am leaving 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
E S yes my soul is damaged badly 💔💔💔💔🤮🤮🤮
Wow 3 decades of misery. As far as you are ready...please free yourself. It's not going to be an easy process but we'll worth it.
I did too, 12 years ago ... I’m 55 now and a freethinker a happy human being and comfortable in my own skin and with my story
Yes leave, it's too much to deal with. Can't ground them, punish them, that they aren't doing to themselves. Run
This is exactly it! Now I understand why my husband had problems with sex and became impotent. I use to tell him over and over that I was not his mother. He kept trying to put me in that box. And you are right. I did not want to care of him like that. There was no sense of building a life together when he would not take responsibility for any area of his life-no physically/health, financial, career...always looking outside for someone else to do it and then rebelling against them for trying to help. The most messed up dynamic that I never want to experience again!
Perfect.
Thank you for sharing. It makes me feel that I am definitely not alone. We went from sex 4 to 5 times per week, to 2 days per week, and the last month together he could no longer perform or finish performing. I thought there was something wrong with me! I remember having precious conversations with him, saying I felt like he no longer found me sexy and that he thought of me as a maid (cooking, cleaning, preparing lunches, etc)... it wasn't a maid. It was his mother! 😢
You just laying there did not help
I had never dated a full blown Narc until 2 years ago.
We lived an hour away from each other, and I drove to his place on weekends for a year.
I preferred it that way, cause I got to get away from home and work. He treated me like a Princess or a Queen. I had never met such a patient man.
After a year of dating, I let him move in with me.
He changed into a totally different person on the way to my house, I swear.
He was bossy and controlling, demeaning, fussy like a baby, and a big drama queen. He bitch*d and moaned worse than any woman, and I know- I'm one.
So, after watching him have a frequent narcissistic rages ( something to see, believe me), I asked him to move out.
I waited 8 months to do it, I was afraid of physical retaliation.
He made me so upset with his constant neediness, and impossibly stupid triggers of rages, my stomach ulcer returned with a vengeance, and I was a nervous wreck.
I shut him off 2 months after he moved in.
He still can't figure out why I won't get back with him, like I don't know my own mind.
It was a learning experience, but very painful.
Ladies, Guys, there is no relationship
ever worth your happiness and peace of mind.
Don't let these hideous people beat you down,
EVER !!!! Peace to all....
Funny you said he changed on the way to your house... the npd I fell in love with he literally changed after a year the evening I told him for the first time ‘I love you’ he disregarded me instantly 🤯💔
But never stopped contacting me but physically nah he left.
He broke me completely, this crap has gone on for 2 years now, he wanted to reunite after he went of with another woman! 😳 he let the stranger in...
I would never call them hideous realy just really sad terrible that these man children never grew up properly.
I felt that. Frequent was becoming every single night with the rages and triggering, just MEAN. I never want to feel that way again. They steal your peace.
Mine changed in the airplane our way to honeymoon😢
Exactly the same!
This explains the extreme resentment and cheating once our infant son was born. I was very busy mothering our son and not him...
With my husband of 31 years, his resentment was towards my mother whom I was caring for after she had multiple strokes. He stated it was his time after our children were grown. Soooo sad. But thank you for helping me understand how we ended up in divorce as he felt that as an only child that I chose my mother over him. He totally excluded that he was a cheater, manipulator and lier.
This is such an amazing talk. As a mental health professional myself, I found that you humanized this struggle so eloquently, in a way I've never heard before.
Some cultures encourage Narcissm and encourages women to play these roles, "to serve" their narc husband. The family of the girl mould her to serve a narc husband through the example of her own mother. Truly terrifying
Aadithya Nath Well said... But what that is is twisted mommy care. Bcuz a grown man is not a baby. But many grown men are still very babyish.
True, my daughter's narc boyfriend had her hypnotized from day 1 that her and her family owed it to him to make his life as luxurious as possible. After ther first date she came home, sat next to me and excitedly exclaimed, "We NEED to fatten HIM UP!" I cringed. He claims his family is Polish, so I'm guessing that entitled attitude comes from them expecting some kind of dowry/bribe to excite his continued interest in her. I've got news for him, my family values its female members for who they are not the total of their bank accounts. He's done nothing but swindle from her and steal from me from the beginning, yet she still considers his ugly, broke @ss hide attractiive in some way the rest of us can't see. I really thought she had more self-esteem than to be caught up in a creep like him.
This is so true. In some cultures it even sometimes go to the point where wanting a healthy relationship with a man is frown on. Your elder family members, mother, aunts, uncles, will step in to "straighten" you because they think you're mad.
@@hagtesse literally in every study of diagnosed narcissists the statistics disprove this. Male narcissists is the vast majority. Women are more likely to be diagnosed as borderline or histrionic.
@Black Weirdo this is so true and it's scary. In movies and tv shows the children are always treated awful and ignored by the parents and the parents will always be joking about how much they miss being childfree and resenting the children. There's a huge 'childfree' movement right now and I of course have no problem with people not wanting kids but statistically speaking, a lot of these people are in fact going to end up being parents which is extremely scary since they resent children and don't want them.
I now understand why I feel maternal, our marriage is sexless and I feel like I am married to a boy. Thank you so much!
So true! I was in this cycle with my ex narc. First, i admire him and i told him that. I put him on a pedestal. Then, i play with him, it was my best friend, my everything. Then i became his mommy. I was a mother allready when i met him. But things start to go wrong when i asked him to be a man and i start to question him about his childish behavior. He allways want to be loved and understood like a mother will do with a child. Unconditional love he wanted.
Unconditional love is what he always said he was giving me. Unconditional love for life. I never felt it
This helped ease my anger towards the narcissist because I know it’s true. It’s sad honestly, but I am glad I am woman enough to walk away and stay away
This is so spot on it’s brilliant, it just made me cry. This analysis confirmed what I believed to be true of my narcissist. When you love someone you just want to make his life great, especially when you know that person was physically and emotionally abused as a child. But, you also know that your narcissists is emotionally at a child’s level and has a terrible fear of abandonment. That maybe the person you love can never be whole, can never be the complete and happy man you need him to be. And, then you look into his fearful eyes, imagining all the abandonment he’s experienced in his life, and it breaks your heart. There is no easy answer.
Yes
Yes.
maybe that's why we always go back to our narcissists..
The way you described this is so empathic, and exactly what I experienced. Ultimately it was what kept drawing me back. It's so tragic but now I know I can feel that empathy or love for someone but be strong enough to walk away.
@@erirosesan Thank you so much for caring to respond to my comments. Your words mean a lot.
this is insane that I stumbled on this. I needed it now more than ever. this is the best video I've seen on narcissistic men in relationships. wow.
I have seen many videos, also. This is by far the best. True, PRICELESS knowledge and insight. I can't believe I've found this. I've been haunted by the devastation. I so appreciate my good fortune today.
Totally AGREE
I called him a Man-child!
I dated for 8 yrs a Man-child. The straw that broke the camel's back. Was him wanting to fight my 16 over him throwing a tantrum & my son calling him out. Thanks for the mental-image of a man body with a years old child.... Lol 😆
Yup mine was nick- named Man/Boy from the fourth date. 10 yrs in, we left him. Now he's an even bigger nightmare but it's so worth it to be physically distanced where we can ignore his insanity.
That was my experience too, he never took responsibility for his actions, I had to live his life - study his schoolwork while he was snoring next to me, find him a job, while he gave childish tantrums about how I punish him. He was 8 years older than me and he thought that my need for him to work is a form of punishment. He threw his notebooks against the wall when I asked him to study.. meanwhile he never wanted me physically and that made me cry many times, I told him I was going to find some other man, in hope to get him to notice me, no.. he was emotionless and gaslighted me into thinking I was crazy and he cannot be so romantic because he was 8 years older.. thankfully I finally managed to escape.
This is EXACTLY what keeps happening to me. I date coverts who do this exact pattern and I’m so confused as to why they suddenly aren’t attracted to me anymore but won’t let me go (completely) while still pushing me away.
Similar coverts are the most frustrating to deal with. They are never direct about anything an play a constant phycological game of push pull. It gets you to a point of frustration. Then when you snap because of the head games then they act as if you are crazy an abusive. Dealing with a female covert narc an it's impossible not to be the bad guy in the situation. When I get fed up an snap it's OMG you shouldn't act that way towards a women. But they will covertly push every button you have repeatedly till you can't even stand to be around them an want your space then they will suffocate you once you pull away. Then around an around it keeps going.
@@levimahaffey2608 I'm a woman and I can see this being real!
@@themetamorphosisofgipsy I'm a targeted individual she is just a small cog in the wheel of the wheel of my targeting. So in short my targeting will happen regardless
@@themetamorphosisofgipsy no not at all. When you are targeted individual it is just something you have to adjust to. I can't control these creatures targeting me. But I can control how I respond to it.
It’s because you’re not the mother archetype.
Scary how accurate this video is. I just went through this experience. I couldn’t figure out the no sex thing. I’m glad Sam explained it.
I fit all 3 of these rolls. Started out admiring him, thinking he was a great, talented, accomplished person, definately went to being a play thing, then mother for the last 10 years. He is a "writer" (which basically means he doesn't work or make any money - used to be a saying when I worked in Hollywood "a writer is just an actor who thinks he's too good to wait tables") He said - "I work all the time - I just don't make any money". That's a hobby dude! So I paid all the bills, took us on all the trips around the world, paid for everything, did all the cooking, cleaning, yard work. He did nothing. I was his mother. So how do you explain that at the same time I'm being his mother figure, he is on me all the time for sex. 5-6 times a day, insane. Guilted me if I said no. Total sex addict. I would have loved if the sex would have stopped. I was too busy being mommy to be in bed having sex all day - but he kept trying, and he's 65. does that mean he thinks he's having sex with his mother? - ewww! I finally had enough and left. I'm 16 years younger. I don't need to take care of a 65 year old sex addict baby.
“What goes around comes around. The narcissist is punished by his essence and much, much more than any of his victims.”
Wow, this is really eye opening. Thank you, Sam. Didn't realize this dynamic before, but it's been there. I truely loved that child inside him, and loved to mother it in some ways, but I also want to live my feminine strength and want to be seen in my whole spectrum, which was not possible in this relationship.
This totally makes sense. A mother naturally puts the needs of her children over her own needs. So, when a narcissist makes sure that he is mothered by his woman, he makes sure that his needs are more important than hers and more likely to be met.
@@dande_lion wow, I never thought of it this way! Makes so much sense!
Thank you, Sam. This explanation of the three phases of the relationship with a narcissist has been the most important one for me. I didn’t realize the mother part was the “endgame”, so to speak. It makes perfect sense and I sort of felt that all along, but your explanation really drove it home for me. You are a very gifted teacher.
I saw all of these phases within four months. Yikes. I bucked at being his mother, what a roller coaster. Healing has already been longer than the relationship!
Absolutely THE BEST video I've seen to-date. This is the most concise and methodical explanation to every experience I've had and answers the questions that had tormented me for decades. Very relatable and invaluable to my healing. This will be on repeat and it helps with the cognitive dissonance. Thanks so much. Stay strong everybody.
My thoughts exactly.
I agree. I have a true understanding that I didn't have before. I tried to love and comfort the hurt child I perceived.
But the perpetual role of Mother is too much.
Thank you, Sam.
I have been researching narcissism for a while now, and learning a lot, as I have had a pattern of attracting them, but this is the first video I have found to address this and I thank you so much. This sounds like my last 3 relationships, to varying degrees, and especially the last one. I even called him "manchild",lol! The admiration and playmate stages were very short, he just wanted a mommy to give him money, be at his beck and call 24/7/365, basically do everything for him. I'm already a mom to 2 awesome kids and I refused to be his girlfriend, chauffeur, psychiatrist, lover, and his mother. It's really creepy and gross. But in my case at least, seeing other guys would been dangerous for me. He wanted me to lose all of me in him. Not gonna happen. I really wish that more people, women and men, knew about this facet about narcissism. I really appreciate you talking about it, Doc.
This is so deep! Intellectually, I understand the "love-bombing," "devaluing," and "discarding" phases, but THIS explanation is EXACTLY what it felt like with my ex-husband. I can feel it as if it were yesterday. It also shows me just how I need to govern my own personality behaviors.
I have a very nurturing personality, so I naturally shift into nurturing behaviors when there is need for it. Now that I understand what is going on in the narc's mind, I can be more aware of how to apply that tendency (mostly in order to avoid getting involved with another narc).
Whoa! Now I understand why my ex saw our sons as competition. He wasn't afraid of me turning them into substitute spouses. He was afraid I would "like them better (as children) than him." Just like his real mother did with his brother.
I mothered our sons, but expected him to father them and be a husband to me. He couldn't do that.
You have given me a whole lot to digest. My 23-year abusive marriage now makes sense.
You’re not alone.
They see the “mother as the perfect entity”...yes! Well said. Great explanation, thank you!
Wow, after decades of confusion and leaving all of that behind, a few years ago... you’ve explained nearly all of it in less than 25 minutes. 😳. Interesting how the features or characteristics eventually add up to the same result across the board. Thanks again for sharing your insight.
Awesome! You don't know how much this helped me understand how and why my last relationship ended. He wanted a mother, which he got, but after the playmate phase he got an independent woman back. That didn't sit well with him. Duh! How could I not see that. Thanks!! Happy me to understand this!
Best quote: It's propaganda! It's fake news! 😂😂😂
That’s disgusting. What normal guy wants to date his mother? I’m glad I never dated a narcissist, but these creeps still continue to stalk and harass me. That’s sick.
Im doing a psychology degree, and I've been watching these videos in my down time. They're fascinating.
I've noticed that wherever narcissism is brought up, it always comes back to the mother. I've seen it in so many men who may be considered narcissistic. They are very hurt and fragile little boys inside who need 'mummy' (whoever they see as that figure) to coddle them. When she does the coddling he pushes her away, mistreats her etc.
Im not as familiar with the root cause of female narcissits but it seems they too have trauma rooted in familial (particularly marternal) issues.
I believe we need to rethink how we view trauma with regards to children. Its the seemingly little things that mould a child's psyche and sense of self. We can't know how negative experiences will impact that child as they form into an adult. No one seems to listen, with regards the existence of narcissists, that it is negative childhood experiences that build personality disorders of any kind.
The problem is our unwillingness to acknowledge this. A child's sense of attachment must be secure otherwise essentially that child is being set up for failure.
Bit of a grim commentary from myself, but I believe it to be true
Narcissists are like junk food omfg this is the best thing I’ve heard so far
You’re literally describing my entire love life it’s ridiculous
I have been recovering from a covert narcissist for the past 6 months and this has been the most soothing video I've watched so far... thank you Sam
Something was amiss when he asked me if his mother could come on our honeymoon! I was shocked but wanted to make him happy so I said yes. 12 years later... Sam's my constant companion as I journey through my divorce. Love all the topics that make sense of what I've experienced.
This would explain my sexless marriage with no adult intimacy. I have often said, "you want a mother not a wife." I wondered why, In his first marriage, he turned a blind eye to much of her "out sourcing." It wasn't until she became more involved with another man to where she was going on overnights with her lover that he divorced her. Of course, he looked like the victim in it all. But now having been married to him for 13 yrs, I suspect he drove her to other men by starving her of emotional and sexual intimacy. The puzzle is coming together. Thank you for this video. I now know I am not crazy.
The really confusing thing is that my husband is more of a covert narcissist rather than a overt.
I have always suspected him of cheating on me. He swears he has not. He is a recovering porn addict and swears he has never cheated however he still doesnt want sex.
This video explains a lot.
I love the way he puts things! Its so true! "A nice body but a half-wit..." 😂 "its fake news." "He isn't good nutrition." This is excellent insight ❤
Yes, the narcissist is nice junk food, but you wouldn’t eat it long term. 😄
I will listen to this video twice. This is really good. I understand another side of narcissistic abuse now.
👏👏yes true
He became vulgar with me in his fantasies of seeing me with other men, sexually. I always turned down this fantasy, telling him I wasn’t interested in other men and he would insist, “ it’s just for fun.” I lost interest in this and he has since disappeared from my life.
I wonder if narcissists seek out women who are already mothers because they hope she can fill the mother role.
When you said, most women feel pity for the child in the narcissist, fee have the courage, the stamina to leave the child.... that it hit really deep.... I am a nurturer. I nurture my children and, in the beginning, I wanted to nurture him. I wanted to nurture a man but I found a child, instead. But, here's the baffling part of this, he attempts to parent me. It's the weirdest thing. It makes me wonder about his relationship with his mother, what kind of relationship did they have.
I know he compares me to the perception of his 'perfect' mother. His mother was the perfect mother, the goddess mother, the mother who who nurtured, who was strong and did everything for everyone. He judges everyone against her. But, even though he constantly espouses his mother's perfection, his behaviour tells me that she was maybe not as emotionally involved as he would have liked. I catch glimpses of the disappointment in some of the in-between things he says about his mother. It's like he's trying to mold me into this idea of the perfect mother. Maybe, that's why he tries to parent me. He's trying to mold me into the perfect version of his mother that he carries in his head..🤔
He was parentified as a child: he parented his first mother, now he attempting to parent his second.
@@samvaknin WOW!!!! That statement just clicked so many boxes in my head!!! 😳 It makes perfect sense!
Thank you Sam! You just described my relationship to my ex narc to a tee. I had no idea why we went from explosive physical chemistry to a sexless relationship. He expected me to cook, clean, take care of him while he had almost no responsibilities. I finally had it and kicked him out of the house. Best decision ever.
just wanted to say from my experience this 100% applies even if you reverse the roles - narcissist is woman and a man is like her father. its exactly what i went through over last 2 years, its almost unbelievable how on point this description is, every single word.
i also said that many times to her that i feel like her father, and the reaction was always kind of creepy smile on her face. it now makes perfectly clear sense. thanks Sam.
What you said makes so much sense to me related to my experience. #Clarity I believe my ex ultimately was drawn to me because of my nurturing ways...
So sick to death of playing "Mummy" to the naughty "Baby".
Brilliant take on narcissism. I love you Sam. You are a genius
This is my relationship and currently my life.
I noticed the only time I can slightly feel a enjoyment from my presence, is when he is asleep and I cover him up in the blankets.
It feels as though he needs me as in a mothers sense, at the same time he can't stand me, then he is confused as to why I'm not interested in his day.
Listening to him in conversation with other people, gives away so much.
What a crazy experience.
Thanks Sam
You aren’t his admirer or his sandbox mate.
N D mine didn’t get it either. Contrary to what Sam said and the only thing he said that didn’t correlate with my own experience is that my ex narcassist was a sex and porn addict and he never withheld sex from me. It was actually quite the opposite, my ex expected sex and would thrown a tantrum if he didn’t get it when he wanted it which was daily and often more times than once. What my ex was not giving me was intimacy and I then looked at sex as a chore with him and didn’t want it. How can I when we lack intimacy and all you do is abuse me?! My experience was the total opposite he didn’t with hold sex from me he demanded, expected and felt entitled to it through his abuse.
This assessment is the most complex and true I’ve heard. This was my experience with my ex-husband if 32 years. He wanted a mother and gave me ample room to live my life. But I could not allow this dysfunctional dynamic to be handed down to my sons, into the next generation. I had to be a good mother to them. They’re confused and blame me for leaving. It costs all of us so much.
It cost in the short term but you've given your sons a chance to grow into men and that is everything.
Sounds like the last 14 years of my life. His parents divorced at 9 and his mom spent the next few years searching for a "new father" for him. Asking him after dates if this guy was a good replacement. As I watch these videos I can see now HOW messed up he is. My fault, I'm a caretaker. When my kids finally became 18 I became less and less wanting to "Mommy" anyone and this is when the problems started. I didn't want to be his "wubbie" anymore. I started wanting to find myself again and be my authentic self.
wow... I think I was all these things to the narc in one day. We met looking at an apartment and stayed together 8 hours and compeleted all cyles. At the end he was in my arms telling me he felt "at home". 2nd date I was indeed very catering and caring and he said I loved him more than any woman ever including his mother.... this started a year and a half of HELL .... anger at feeling I was his mother (when i pushed back against his awful behaviors) devaluing, cheating, the anger the rage, the inconsistency, the chase and run away.... everytime I broke up with him he ran after me and everytime I went back he treated me worse. Finally, I think on my way out using no contact. appreciate the video
Wow....and I had thought he was just a closeted homosexual... things are making sense now...thanks
Same here.
Same here
Omg right. I often have joked about this .
Same.
Oh my word this makes sooo much sense. I kept thinking this the entire time I was with him and told him consistently that he always got upset when my actions didnt meet his expectation. I also told him that he was like having another child around and often wondered why he seemed to prefer a relationship with his mother.
As much as I dreaded hurting him in my decision to discard him, I had to remind myself he never cared how he had hurt me. It was very difficult for him to show me he felt the way he said he did. I could see he had intimacy issues. My first impression was he was gay.
SAME
Wow! This was hilarious but sad. Thanks for posting! My narcissist has straight up said he wants a woman to baby him. Thanks for letting me know I’m not crazy to think that it was weird. And he has definitely regressed in our relationship, not helping around the house for example but when I first met him he was all, “cleanliness is equal to godliness”. 😂 He also does do a weird baby voice thing only with me. Or instead of giving me a normal hug he always tries to rest his head on my chest. 🤔
This is so amazing and clear. That playmate phase got me good 😅 But truly, I am so grateful for this content!
Sooo accurate is amazing this man is gold he knows his stuff
He IS his stuff - in other words he is the leader of narcissism because he is the most intelligent man with narcissism on narcissism. Period.
Melissa Clark True
How about him wanting me to tie a kerchief around his neck and pour him a bowl of kid cereal so that he could sit in front of the tv and watch cartoons? No, I'm not making it up. Yes, I left.
lol
Witty Mystic These creatures are sick! Good for you for getting out.
Good on you! You deserve better
Wow that's next level crazy haha
my days...so its true this baby behaviour
I had 8 days of chatting to a guy on the phone his play mate stage was so attractive to me until his narc mask slipped off I could see his full wounds, I found it a massive turn off and went no contact! So glad I didn’t meet up with him! This was fascinating insight, thank you Sam!
Wow! You have literally just described the last 14 years of my life. It’s like you where watching us the whole time. I thank you for this. It validates everything I’ve ever felt and dealt with within my marriage.
Wow. This explains why my ex had this odd relationship with his mom. He even answered the phone when she called as if he was norman bates..."hello...mooothhhher"...it always disturbed me and I would say so...but he laughed it off and said he was just joking. I was his admirer and playmate...I wouldnt assume the role of mother and he replaced me with one
Me too...i loved him dearly but when he rejected me sexually I could not stand it. I complained about it and he replaced me immediately!
Very 👍 . I have a girlfriend who is married to narc that treats her like a mother; he pouts and drops his head real low when she scolds him!
Thank-you for sharing your powerful insights. I came across this yesterday ironically on Mother's Day. This year I ended a toxic relationship that took all my energy as I was stuck in the playmate stage and I can now see that when the relationship progressed to the mother stage I wouldn't give in and felt drained and angered for being put in such a position. I already am a mother to 2 amazing daughters and being a single mother I won't mother a grown man. I guess I am lucky I never married this person. I am also seeing this pattern in previous relationships and I have spent too much time blaming myself for things that are way beyond myself to have any impact to change.
I really like that you explain the playmate stage is not indicative of the end stage. I feel like I get hooked in that stage and it's been so dangerous for my own personal growth. I think deep down I knew something was off but my nature wanted to stick it out.
I also now feel freedom to see how my ex narcissist has needs that are sick and I can't feed into because I simply felt drained.
I never experienced the full blown mother stage because I refuse to but I see how he then finds that elsewhere while still wanting me as a playmate.
This clarity has changed my life.
I have so much gratitude for you!
Thats so true and real, my 37 years old narcissist husband gets jealous from our 6 years old son when he sees me taking care of him. He demands me to take care of him just like i do to our son. At first I did not understand why he is doing so, but then all made sens
Can't believe I was such a fool. I knew there was something not right from beginning
Are you sure this isn’t just the way men are? Or am I just very good at finding men like this?
He got very upset when I would not take on the mommy role! You are right on!
as i read comments i'm thinking this might explain why on our honeymoon 20 years ago he did not want to "consummate"
I am currently pregnant for a narcissist. I really feel sorry for me and this baby
That helps to explain why I was in both a sexless marriage and why my ex-boyfriend of late stopped having sex with me. Thank you!
Just reading this subject title, makes me have visceral gagging reflux. Narcs are disgusting to me. Keep shedding light on this hidden subject matter, the more ppl are made aware of these beings, the less harm they are allowed to cause society.
You must be close to one to have such a visceral reaction to this title.
@@lanctermann7261 Nope! WAS married to one of the creatures.
Best video I ever watched about a narcissist and I have been with two
Thank you Prof. Vaknin ! You have saved my life - i was very distressed and now I understand a lot about my husband's behavior
I don’t think anyone could bring light to this subtle , disturbing dynamic like you do. This is gold and such light that shine into this illy situation you can’t point finger to. Thank you so much for such clarity. Appreciated that.
It’s important to embrace the inner child though. But with balance.
Ooooooooh my god , the last part was my question for the last 25 years , that he did not have sex with me much , i have been married for 32 years and i have NOT had sex with any body else, I guess my husband knows that if i go and get attention from other man I will definitely leave him that is why he is dangerously jealous and paranoid, he accuses me of having affair but he had many many affairs that he denied for years ,now I know why 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
Yeah, these are the types who are terrified of losing their permanent supply because they know how hard it is for them to get a girlfriend or anything stable.They need you around to abuse to regulate themselves.
We became born again virgins once you hit the mother phase. Its sadly disturbing and their porn addictions are sick and disgusting
Wow. I have spent years seeking to understand the unfathomable. This described my experience to a T. Thank you for your videos and insights.
The ending was so powerful... Thank you so much for your wisdom. That was my experience with my covert narc ex.....he was so empty
Again reminding me of the times, when he was raging, that he called me Mom. When I called him out on it... he called me crazy and paranoid. Said I was sick to think such things. We were together six years. All the times he called me Mom was in the last year and a half. I had, in most terms of the word, became his mother. Bizarre and confusing because of the manipulated transitions of the stages.
I used to tell him al the time I am NOT your mother and he would say" Ohhh, you are!" UGH! I started realizing that because I was the oldest of 5 kids and did take over my mother's house, he recognized that and pursue...and stalked me actually. But he was jealous of the kids....and VEWRY jealous of the grandchildren.
Gives a whole new meaning to his favorite T-shirt: I ❤ Hot Moms. Yuck.
My narcissist husband is both an alcoholic ‘and’ is addicted to porn. We have been together 18 years. He’s 73 and I’m 59 and I’ve had enough. We stopped having a sexual relationship years ago. His idea of sex was to watch porn while he ‘suckled’ my breasts. So gross!!! He has an obsession with breast feeding that I find very disturbing. I am not his mother and I certainly don’t want to ‘breast-feed’ a 73 year old man. He had the biggest temper tantrums, just like a spoiled child. I long for the day when he will find a new supply but likely no chance. I was too good a wife early in our relationship. I babied him and did everything for him, cooking, cleaning, cutting his hair, etc.... to this day he will literally go all day without eating, just waiting for me to feed him. So sick. I stopped catering to him and now he says I’m a hateful woman. I told him I was ready to split all our holdings 50/50 and get divorced whenever he was but the thought of divorce terrifies him because he knows at 73 he could never get anyone else to take care of him. He’s in very poor health now due to the alcoholism.
¨Don´t try it at Home!¨
HA! when I heard him say that part I started laughing out loud! 🤣
I Luv it!
A "healthy" person Tryin to keep up with all this is exhausting! So i can just imagine wht the unhealthy brain is going thru omg
Omg I am mother
Me, too 😕 What a hell of an eye opener
Hahahahhahahahaha!! I'm so sorry but the way you wrote that just struck me as being funny. Stay safe!
Awareness is the first step. Good insight on your part to see it.
This explains the behaviour I was subject to when I decided to leave the relationship. I was called callous and cruel, even though it was a third party situation and he saw no wrongdoing in continuing with it. When I finally insisted on leaving he called me mentally sick, even though he has been a serial cheater. I told him that I hoped his wife of 35 years would manage to escape him some day. He had a very negative relationship with his mother. He also felt highly superior to everybody else. Unfortunately, the job he did fed his ego well and fed his narcissistic supply.
Wow! I wish I was educated by you on this many years ago as it would have saved me and my children from my malignant NPD alcoholic ex husbands constant abuse which has only increased as he ages
Sam this is absolutely brilliant. Thank you for providing the framework to clarify the confusing messages to a narcissist’s partner.
I went through this in my marriage. Thank you.
So did I . His mother was extremely controlling also
My ex has the most dysfunctional relationship with his mother. She enabled him to be an alcoholic for all his life to control him. I suspect she's a bigger narc than him. He hates her completely,so our relationship could never survive. I became a total surrogate mom. He once even slipped and called me mom. Spot on.
This series of videos have been so helpful in understanding the dynamics at play in this type of relationship; I have not found a more clear and concise explanation anywhere. Thank You falls far short.
Mine literally called me mommy...just mommy at all times (I thought he meant it affectionately since I birth his children). When he discarded me for new supply he told me he wished I would stop thinking of myself as his wife but more like his mother. I told him to stop calling me mommy because I only had 3 kids not 4 so he switched to mockingly calling me by my first name.
euw,I feel for you
@Kirsty Hesketh - He tried to turn his next plaything into Mother but it failed so he tried to come back to me saying she was the biggest mistake in his life. He conveniently forgot that while he was married to me he was blatantly dating her saying she was the greatest love of his life.
@quasimobius - I felt quite nauseous and disgusted myself.
michelle d
Do NOT look 👀 back ever again.
@Kirsty Hesketh Exactly, and when they want to enjoy themselves and have fun we are not the ones they choose. He recently asked if he could rent a room at my house and that he was lonely. I said no and he said well if he married me again it would be free. #speechless
This is exactly what I’m dealing with at this moment That puzzle 🧩 piece fits exactly 💯
My Melanin is Poppin Queen Run before it is too late. The longer you stay, the more you will start loosing yourself. Run away...
Thank you. You have helped me understand and overcome an emotional trap involving shared fantasy. I came to understand because I loved him, he was able to manipulate me, devalue me and discard me at least 3 times. I was so happy to have him in my life but over and over, he went out of his way to show me how indifferent he was to me. Listening to your lectures helped me understand and see what was happening
I know as a terrible lesson to learn. He was my son.
So true. I see clearly now! Thank you Sam
I was his mother for 20 yrs. He used to tell me I was the only woman who let him be himself. BUT, he had emotional affairs, pretending he was a great lover. NOT. I left due to the affairs. I can be mama, but I can’t be the other woman in my own marriage. I adored my husband. I never cheated on him. I would have never left him if hadn’t cheated on me with so many others.
Peter Pan, he never wanted to grow up.
This was a great one!
This finally makes sense of it all. I was with my ex for over 30 years. I always felt he was a little boy in a man’s body. After years of him not wanting to work, lying about everything, not paying any bills, continually on drugs (stimulants to make himself feel better about himself), and continually calling me the “b” word because I tried to get him to take responsibility for something/anything, I have finally left him. Over the years, I have continually tried to leave the relationship but he continually got me to feel sorry for him, and I returned to the relationship. The last 8 years he has been living with a guy and says he just wants to be “friends”.? I want more from a relationship and find the whole situation disrespectful to me because we have a child together. Reading everyone’s comments makes me feel better because I thought I was the only one going through a relationship with a child-like man.
Truly appreciate the break down of the information...very clear and very helpful 👌
This is a Masterpiece to me! Thank you so much Sam 🥰
Wow! This explains so much about what I have experienced with 2 narc. Thank you for sharing. Now I understand what was really going on.
Mr Sam, you just answered to my 3 year experience, why did you not put up this video before🤗 I learnt all this the hard way.. Been persued, bombarded with love, the fake intimacy was created, he became a protector I put him on a pedestal.. Than suddenly he told me to go live my life, but at the same time would not leave me.. He pushed me to find someone else, I did not want to, but after 2 years when I was too tired of his cheating and mind games, I found someone else looking for a real thing.. Someone to nurture me..but I also wanted him near.. I felt sorry for him.. I trully loved him.. So many times I told him, he was child like although he was in his early 40's... He tested me, I "failed" in his eyes, he despised me after and the real abuse started..
I never make it to the mother phase. Not nurturing enough lol.
Me either, although the narcissist is back.
This was my last relationship.
Excellent analysis! Right on!