From Grooming to Discard via Shared Fantasy: Cheat, Mortify, Exit
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 พ.ย. 2024
- LISTEN WELL, TAKE NOTES, and POSITION YOURSELF in the NARCISSIST's CYCLE to PREDICT THE FUTURE and design COPING STRATEGIES!!!
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In the first encounters, the narcissist assumes the role of the strict, ostensibly benevolent, but sadistic parent ("tough love") - or the hurt, petulant, entitled, self-centred, and sadistic child. As a parent, he is having sadistic incest. As a child, he is having masochistic incest. The inevitable cheating by the partner punishes the parent and mortifies the child, fostering personal development and growth as well as a creative spurt.
In the narcissist’s relationships OF ALL KINDS (romantic, business, "friendships"), there are five phases: grooming, shared fantasy, interstitial I (two options: exit or persist), mortification or anti-fantasy, and interstitial II.
How did I become so fortunate to have found this channel?!
There's a God who use angels to send the words that speak life into all of us accordingly 😇🥰
I feel the same way
I believe is not a coincidence but divine providence
@@indiahindiah7295 r%ģģģ",v zumba zumba DDĐĢ
Right!!!!! Hes sooo good 🙏
So true 👌
Mr Vaknin, this is the culmination of all your brilliant insights over the past 30 years into one tight 90-minute lecture. Genius. Articulate. Groundbreaking. And very accessible for the layperson to grasp “how it all fits together”.
Do you know his background?
@@sheridixon190 yes. Look him up.
Totally agreed @soloecho couldn't say it better
I couldn't agree more. BRILLIANT insights‼️😳💯
Thank you so much for this incredibly informative, ground-breaking interview.
Wow! Great insight.
This brought me to actual tears. I feel like you have just examined the last 12.5 years of abuse and toxicity with my now ex. Wow. Thank you.
Ditto.
Same
May you have peace. Bless you.
1 year n cheated in front of his ass #back at him don’t suffer fools
Are you still away from him a year later?
My childhood sweetheart started grooming me in high school. We moved out together at 17 for a year before I left her. 2 years later she found me and seriously love bombed me into marriage. Slowly the boundaries were pushed more and more. The apologies stopped and the love bombing stopped eventually. The abuse began to get more and more frequent. It became more and more disgusting. Here we are in our 50's and I'm ready to bale, thanks to this man. Nobody needs to be subjected to a narcissist abuse. If you even think you're in one, leave immediately and never look back.
Were you in it w the same person till 50?
Heart breaking, cosmos/God will give you the strength. Start fresh and stay close to the truth. Will be like hell but I promise you it will get better and one day you will be magical 💪❤️
Wow...thereweresome realgems in this video
You can leave. Life will get better by a tiny amount every day... Two of my friends left people who had abused them like this over many years. They both went on to become much more content and happier with their lives.
Finally I understand what happened to our relationship. He wanted me to move in with him and I told him that I wouldn’t do it. Right after that he created a situation where I had to break up with him. Two weeks later he was with someone else and ten months later he is married and basically living our shared fantasy. He just changed the partner. Thank you
Count yourself one of the lucky ones.
Same exact experience
Damn
Mine also told me he wanted me to move in with him after 6 and a half long years, but immediately started telling me conditions that would apply to our cohabitation prior to my moving in... I'm glad I was very leery of the situation! ( I declined his "offer" to live with him, which also made him Angry).
So sorry you had to go through that, Kathy. As an empathetic person--most humans are, I think--it's painful to experience the level of unfeeling cruelty a romantic partner with this sort of disorder can exhibit and exert. Shocking, really. I dated mine for 4 years, he wore me down with abuse so badly that he had to discard me. I wasn't nearly as pretty or professionally valuable as when we met. Refused to live with him for years because of the curfews and rules. Made him look unmarriageable. Made him look like a bad partner. After he discarded me he "waited" 3-4 months to move in with his new supply in another city. They then "eloped" and have a baby. lol
Never agree to their fantasy world it's a trap
Too late. Now I have to break it. I feel for him, but not enough to stay here.
@@shanartisan get out and save yourself pleaseeeee
WOW is all I have to say. You've just described my entire marriage and divorce (in progress) nicely packaged step by step. I'm obviously still trauma bonded because I miss him still yet have to convince myself every day for the last year it was a shared fantasy. God bless you 😇
Right on
Indiah Indiah ik
Indiah Indiah lvlvlvllvk IM
My life too. 39 years of this sickness
1 1/2 years of this sick dimrnted marriage only because of Sam V. And his shared knowledge I will only need 5 to 10 years of therapy but hr (my ex) will die alone shriveled up and shaking on his couch like he is now scared to face the wotld because I threw it all in his face and came out the winner the sick little pig is not so hot to trot anymore and I just bought me a new Mercedes and have a full life ahead of me Karma came a knocking and it came in the form of tough love
I was devoted , committed and didn't think of cheating. He was abusive emotionally to me , I felt neglected and abandoned while he talked to others, he kept me in a bubble per say. I finally got tired of him taking my freedom , so I left , I said nothing and left.... I blocked him everywhere in regards to media, all I heard from him was " congratz". He is now looking for someone to talk to, I feel I want him back, but then I recall the torture I went thru for 4yrs. I do feel love for him but I understand he will never love me , he loves how he can manipulate and torture me.
I’m glad you got away. This really resonated with me - “he loves how he can manipulate and torture me” - so well said!
Bubble is a great way to put it. I felt like I was locked in the closet waiting for him to unlock it.
You feel like your walking on eggshells and they are triggered by anything…nothing you do is right and the love you feel for them is the wish of what is could be…. I didn’t let go for years because I was worried all the time and energy I had put into our relationship would go to someone else he would change and be better for the next person…when clearly they will NEVER CHANGE.. it’s a disease of the MIND…
sound exactly like what i experiance ! u discribe this so well ! we gone heal from this basters we can not go back ever again remember they abiused us cheat more and more when they see we take them back after already go to hell and back with them !
This is how the social media showed us on tinder and similar places how much narcissism is in us ,how easy we can switch people in our life ,how much they are worth in our life and you know what I feel - this is just the beginning .Social media amputated our ego and swap it with some digital non existing dream world when we start using another human being like button -enter,shift,delete .
Spot on!
This could be viewed as funny if it wasn’t so serious and very sad and true!
A narcissist fears pain, point blank and will do anything to avoid dealing with this fear of pain, and unfortunately will go to any lengths even if that means hurting those who love him the most!! They also can not deal with consequences of their actions for pretty much the same thing cant deal with any kind of emotion. It's crazy it's horrible what they do to us, in my opinion it's worse than murder, it's horrible it destroys lives. People need to learn about this disorder in high-school so they can save themselves.
It is worst than murder yes..and they kill you alive. Greetings get well..we all.
It's a terrible feeling😢
Very Unholy attitude. Kills us mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Yea. It’s been years and I will never ever be the same. Years. Still here, waking up in cold sweats. I would like you to be in the last stage of grief. So I can move on
I wouldn't cheat because of my moral standards. But I was driven to consider I needed to be with someone else. I walked away.
My situation exactly. I'm in the process of securing myself financially so that I can walk away.
Then you have no moral standards if you did it. Everyone can fantasize even about like homicide for example. I was almost driven to that.
But I didn't do it, I stood on my dignity and ethics because losing that is unquestionably wrong for my own sense of self worth and dignity
@HuGANityNsanity wait what lmao. So..basically you found someone you liked better and then worked backwards from there.
Having had a relationship with a narc. I was in a position to see his real self, and I get why they don't want to expose it...it is ugly, it is armageddon, a pile of uglyness and amorphic something, it is the opposite of beautiful and coordinated colors, you see the silhouette of a human, but as a shadow. It is like the end of the world
I always called my ex the cardboard man,... hollow and empty.
How so? Don’t they feel anything? Don’t they care? What’s inside???
wow, so well put, a huge disappointment, esp when its family 😞
@@Darcyyyyyyyyyyy they are completely damaged goods. Run for the hills.
When the mask completely slips you see they are empty shells. Their eyes go completely black. Nothing there but hatred and contempt. It's shocking.
Oh.. I've had that Marriage. This is like listening to a genius read my mind and tell me about my past. 😳
Crystal Mcnamara absolutely that’s how I feel! Sure wish I was more knowledgeable, a long time ago.
Amen
I agree with you all. Incredible the descriptions and explanations he gives. Including the cheating dynamics. Mindblowing.
Me too
@Pete um.. i was being cheeky.. but Sam does have a Genius IQ. If you don't know his life story, StFU 🤷♀️
I feel drained after having gone through such an experience recently. I feel totally traumatized, but am recovering every day :(
OMG! Sam, you literally just saved my life from the ex Narc. Thank you 🙏
The Hall of Mirrors... I’ve never heard it explained this way. They hold the key and access to that Hall of Mirrors. If you don’t “behave” you’re denied access & often then have your self esteem dismantled. Wow.
I elaborate on the hall of mirrors in a few of my videos.
Sam Vaknin Thank you for your reply. Your videos and wisdom have played a huge role in my healing process. I will look into more about the Hall of Mirrors in your other videos.
@@anastesia8455 right me to mainly family members 😞
@@samvaknin you Sir are life Saver Hero
I had no idea what was going in my marriage. The withholding of sex. The musing. Such madness, so much manipulation and finally I escaped his madness - to another partner: thankfully! I was not the wealthy one anymore so no risk he would want me back - so I got free free free and lived the best life ever! Enough was enough!
1:21:29 I have to keep listening to your videos to keep myself from believing everything will be okay. I have been in this relationship for over 23 years. I had no idea what was going on but I always knew it wasn’t right. Our values have always been different and now I realize he played games by always changing his responses, to take opposing positions. He really has no values. He pushed my buttons. Now I have to end this. He is hiding his assets. He is hoovering me again as I have been grey rocking him. I find I fall very easily into believing he would never hurt me. I listen to you and reality is obvious. I am in a very uncertain position at a very vulnerable stage of my life. We are certainly not young anymore.
I relate completely. I find it easy to believe her love was true. It is difficult for me not to. But it is the only way.
He's planning my demise,I'm on the way to freedom.staying in contact with social groups as a safe way to get out,really helps keep you grounded .I pray that you all have the strength of mind to break the spell.🎉❤ ..
I Need Help!!
People in My Family thinks He is great and They see Me and Children Need Safety But I Pray Someday I Find An Escape Plan
This was quite simply the most intelligent analysis of a narc I've ever heard. This describes what I've been through twice. Both different but all these elements of the cycle were there. I'm amazed. This has really helped me
Lmao the ending got me good. “He can venture out into the world, and f it up all again” 😂
😁😁😁😁😁
🤣🤣🤣
Thats my husband and venture out there and fuck himself up again i don't care about him its over
I once asked my narc ex why he married me and his reply was so I could look after him...your video has explained and described my whole relationship with my ex narc..thank you 😁
Mine kept on wanting to get married and proposed several times, even put on a big fake wedding for everyone... never to make it legal but then blaming me for it, yet, being annoyed whenever I asked on progressing occasionally for 4 years. Talk about a self-sabotaged shared fantasy...
He needed a mother!!
@@winros3042 😹😹
exactly...we aren't married... he told me he needed someone to take care of him and his mom.. Of course I ain't gonna marry someone for that reason.. That's such a weird reason for marrying someone.. very infantile..
Dear Sam, although your genius insights have been a godsend and invaluable resource for me for almost 3 years now, I have to tell you that the content of this video has given me the utmost most clarifying and awakening view on what I experienced with my boyfriend (ex), to date. It is as if you are in my relationship and are explaining step by step what he was/is doing and thinking, it's just incredible. I am still coping with a very intense stalking situation with him.. I eagerly await your next video and am eternally grateful for the goldmine of information you have shared on the subject of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and beyond. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I am going through the same, may you keep up the courage and strength that this situation demands of us ..I have begged him to just let me go, and he will be free to do what he does, with other woman, and lies..
He has parked his RV in front of my house, and now comes and goes as he pleases. Most of the time he rolls in after 3a.m to sleep on the street right at my front door, which keeps all the pain and heartbreak fresh, all the while still abusing me emotionally, and verbally whenever he gets the chance. After eight years he has alienated me from my entire family. So I'm alone, I cannot wait until this is over.
It's quite extraordinary isn't it? It's as if Prof. Vaknin is a personal shrink for every person who's been with a narc. His insights and wisdom have had a profoundly positive impact on my relationships, self-esteem and life in general.
So true. It's like he was there
After 32 years of marriage, I begged for my freedom for many years, and now come to find out about his 2 year transactionship with a young and dumb…she didn’t mind being a married mans secret for 2 years, I’m heartbroken. Lots of abuse, gaslighting, lies, devalued, cheating from someone I really loved and trusted. Now I’m on the top of a mountain, he’s in the ravine, and can’t hurt me anymore. I’m thanking the universe for being set free, while he’s still miserable chasing whatever, with pancreatic cancer. He is a disease
SAM IS POSSIBLY THE BEST EDUCATION THAT I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED ALL IN ONE PLACE, AND I FOLLOW MANY HIGHLY EFFECTIVE TEACHERS WHILE ALSO HAVING A CLINICAL BACKGROUND. THIS IS TRUE EDUCATION AND EMPOWERMENT. I AM EXTREMELY GRATEFUL!! MANY THANKS :)
I’ll stay single! I’m exhausted. Wow
DITTO
Yelp me too...real demons out there!😔
I knew he had a thing for his mother! Sicko!🤔
I didn’t exit. He cheated and left for another woman.
Me too 😩
They are emotional vampires.
Dr Judy WTF. Watch her videos even from 4 years ago. Covers narcs very well and shows they are most wounded of all.
Yes they are emotional vampires😔
This is exactly how my relationship with Steven went. Exactly. I started talking to other men to get his attention because he kept rejecting me. I couldn't sexually cheat, but I did emotionally. He didn't care he told me to. He had erectile disfunction almost the whole relationship. I always blamed it on my appearance. It had nothing to do with that. It was never real. Our first month of the relationship we stayed in a hotel together. Our relationship was a vacation. It all makes so much sense. I loved him with all of my heart. When he discarded me he said the most hurtful things. He promised me we would get married, then he couldn't commit. The confusion was so overwhelming.
Emotional absence, lack of sex. I felt so worthless. He degraded me. He said my body was not good enough. I loved him. I thought he was so awesome. He said all women are bitches. He hated women. I was a shell and he was always so happy, like a little boy. I never understood. I wish the people in his life knew what he really was like. I was the one labeled crazy.
@@shalaemayville9863❤❤❤
You are mindblowing!!! I have one epiphany after another whilst listening to your videos. Thanks for sharing!!!!
They are so complicated and methodical they have a master plan
I’ve watched this at least 8 times. This makes so much sense
You have provided me and clients I serve an immense gift through your scientific research and service to your lectures. I am so grateful for this information and your time and dedication to the awareness and most accurate data in narcissism and the impacts. I’m especially grateful for the perspective of those that are drawn toward these pathologies. It can hit hard at times, and yet it rings so true and provides the dialectical pathology that must be addressed. My hope or request is for more content on how to heal and specific steps on re-entry into healthy relationships after long-standing complex traumatic abuse from narcissistic abuse that is based on research (as you have always provided). Thank you thank you thank you.
Wow. Your videos are irresistibly magnetic. I find them educational and insightful. This feels like graduate work.
This pained me to listen to.. it has illuminated certain connections that are crucial to understanding these experiences.....
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How well have u explained this ....😲 Ur unbelievable 💯... Ur a gift to all of us who seek answers and need that blunt truth explained so well that there is no going back in this sick maze....I can totally see my self in all these phases....it's like ur sitting in my head and speaking out those jumbled words which I can't put in a line...this is so well explained 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏.... U have given me soo much clarity....there are many channels that I follow...but the way u explain all the aspects clinically is SUPERB!!! Ur god sent...THANK YOu❤️...
Great video thank you.
The narcissist is definitely not a treasure at all.He is selfish,childish individual he needs to be avoided at all costs.
Absolutely loved the explanation.
I am so glad it is over for me .
I am delighted by your extreme adequacy and detailed accuracy. Thank you professor Vaknin
I have spend only 3 months in shared fantasy, and it took me 10 long years to recover from it I wish I had access to internet in 1996 when the mask felt off. Only few people understand this topic profoundly . Kindly thank you. G’day professor x
I prefer singleness. I’m happy. Tired and done with narcissistic people.
The narc I experienced recently was also polyamorous. I think theres a really interesting correlation between the cheating even within polyamorous open relations. And the amount of supply available to a polyamorous narc male. Its terrifying.
Wow! I could imagine.
I don’t thing real polyamory is something a narcissist can successfully do.
@@michelleparker8232 No, it is not... When they're offered iptions under the condition that it goes both ways, they don't like it. They want to play around behind your back and leave you out of the fun.
@@michelleparker8232 yeah, he only knows good old fashioned cheating
@@michelleparker8232 he has to have a harem
This is my favorite of your videos and that's a really big call because I've gotten so much out of so many. I really identified with what was said about how inaccessible they are. For all the harm and hurt I really did see the beauty in the vulnerable child inside. I really did find myself wondering what would happen if that child was loved and protected? Maybe it's my own savior complex/narcissistic trait but I'm very aware of this dynamic now.
That’s where I fell into the evil trap. Loving the very damaged child. I’m so damaged after 39 years
I also saw the beautiful child and I loved him.
But the adult Narcissist just became too destructive for me to cope with....I had to discard.
@@missta1820 same... no matter what, they have to want the healing, we aren’t responsible for reparenting them and as I wrote this out, I wrote unfortunately. No, not unfortunately lol. We just loved them that’s all.. wanted the best for them, their spirit... one of my favorite lines is “they know they drank the devils koolaid and will reap what they sow. No one can help these people, not even themselves.
@@jp5419 I'm sooo happy for you. You truly do deserve a congratulations. !!! I really feel like we defeated the devil. I really appreciate your comment because recently I discovered the same thing, PEACE! WE truly do not need unstable, flaky, insecure people in our lives. Period. They are only ever a reflection of themselves. It has nothing to do with us. And never will :) I'm so glad you found peace. There will never be peace while being with them, unfortunately, but fortunately for us we figured that out, and it's always going to be.... their loss. Love you, here for you!!!!! So glad we took back that power.... we always had it in the first place.❤❤❤🙌🙌🙌😏😏😏💙💙💙💖😌😌😌😌
@@missta1820
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My "cheating" was not with another man...I wanted my man to show up. I did however relapse into alcohol which looks a great deal like cheating. Very self destructive move for me. Thanks for sharing what has been baffling, mortifying for me. I had no idea how I ended up so crazy and unlike the woman I had been for 46 years before meeting Peter Pan.
Everything u said in this video is amazing!! The whole part about cheating when having a narcissistic partner is true. After 6 years I cheated with the means to leave this man. I’m only 24 years old and my narcissist ex withheld sex from me for 4years. I had no idea why I wasn’t enough for this man sexually and doubted my appearance and myself everyday . However to this day with multiple pieces of proof of him cheating with multiple women he plays the victim mentality and tells everyone how the way I cheated ruined the relationship. Almost as if he believes his own lies that he was never unfaithful. He still Talks to his new supplies about me slandering my name but will never speak on how emotionally and physically abusive his actions were which led me to cheat.
So a way to filter them out could be to approach the relationship bit slowly, narcissists most often won’t be ok with delayed gratification.
Yes I think so !! I think taking it slow is best bet !! A narc would loose patience I think.
Love this advice! Yes
@@joanna88508yes, indeed. My experience, a narcissist looses patience.
I don't allow anyone into my life easily like I used to. Lesson learned.
@joanna88508 Not all lose patience. I had mine on a "6 month plan"...meaning, every 6 months, I'd evaluate and look for narc traits. Something had my radar up, but it wasn't obvious for a LONG time. He proposed. Told him I am not in a hurry and we can wait a bit. Patiently, he kept waiting. It wasn't until I softened (2.5 years) and started looking at rings too, that the the narc traits came full forward. He started cheating and a year later, we split, and he moved out.
My narcissist ex once told me he dreamed his mother picked me and my son up from the airport, but now he thinks it was his current wife in the dream. Part of the reason we didn’t work out is because I didn’t want to be his mother, but his now wife is a lot like his mother and does everything for him. This video rings very true to me.
No one's explains it better than you. You take the insight to the next level.
I have to stop the video every 2-5 minutes just to take a breath. It’s so much of what i experienced and even journaled about for years but I never knew until now that it was not unique to my ex narc. I didn’t even know what a narc was but I knew something was terribly wrong and like he says, I just kept thinking with every cycle, “we were so close to making it this time” or “i never know where i stand”. I too feel like Im lucky to have found these videos and I feel more power to stay no contact than ever before.
Brilliant! All your knowledge of narcissism compiled in one video. I recognised so much. I doubt if anybody not having experienced narcissistic abuse can really understand this video. It's a specific kind of abuse. The people I tried to warn about him blocked me and think I'm the crazy woman. In fact I was the crazy woman, angry, stressed out and not in contact with my Self anymore because of the games he played. I'm researching my family history now, it didn't start here. Why did it happen to me? What was my role? It started years before I was even born. Mind blowing stuff that contains many elements like grief, emotional neglect, inherited trauma.
You're not crazy. You didn't imagine it. You're not to blame. I am detoxing from this right now. I felt I was losing my grip on reality. I had panic attacks and anxiety I never had. He had me believing I was the reason he cheated, lied, manipulated, gaslighted, slandered my name. I was never insecure, jealous, or had self doubt like I did being with him. These people will stick the soul out of you.
I am so glad I found your channel. I've been studying narcissism for years and just found you. This video describes the first 10 years with my now husband. I lived in an RV and rescued dogs, he lived with his mother till she died.
Wow, this couldn't have come at a better time, I've watched your videos for years this one is pure gold. It word for word correlates with my relationship right now. The minute details the intangible, I'm blown away today this is brilliant. It's a hopeless nightmare merry go round. I'm so grateful I found this, I'm saving this to reference when I feel nostalgic for the bloody lie it is.
Thank you
Future faking to hook in the
prey!!
Wow the future faking is really the bait that hooks you in.... He/she lies then gets scheming and pycopathic when the partner wants to cash the cheque have the promises fulfilled. Omg slaves no way see ya wouldn't wanna be ya nnnaaaaa naaaa naaaa goodbye goodbye gooooodbye
Do everything smiling but then turn that smile to a frown for the clown
Because their not funny at no cost😞
@@sueb6662 So, isn't future faking just outright Lying???
@@suzanne4396 yes wrapped up in a pretty glittering sugar coated casing it's the glitter we fall for though it's the hook... The key is we need to take ourselves off the hook they never will so let yourself off the hook who cares about being right or wrong get out. Forgive yourself for being human and believing them so what just exit stage left with your sanity!!!! 😉
This was theeeee BEST most helpful video I’ve seen SO FAR... that ending is perfect “ and fuck it up all again”
Thank you for making me laugh. I was discarded on November 1 after finding out that he cheated on me back in June. The first 15 days I couldn’t even function I believe today is 45 days later and I’m feeling a lot stronger and after watching this video I almost feel vindicated. Your expertise is astonishing and I just want to thank you for sharing it with people like me who have been hurt several times by various types of narcissists. Honestly I’m so grateful for your knowledge and your willingness to share it all.
It's kind of creepy how accurate this has been.
You couldn’t have described this more accurately, in my case he cheated. He lied about it, but also made sure I knew without verbally telling me, it was very disgusting and mind bending.
Sam you’re a genius
Couldn’t agree with you more as I’ve been narc free 5 years and counting. The year we broke up I enter Narcissistic University. What a mind blowing discovery in what I was dealing with in the time we were together. Looking back on our relationship now with a real clear level head your understanding of manipulation is so very apparent. As an empathetic person you realize how fair abandonment can’t go to one’s life in the direction of what they decide on behavior. Thank you for all these years of helping me to understand toxic people.
Three weeks out from a true narc.And the hardest part is the fact that I feel ordinary again.That hall of mirrors comment.I was on to him intuitively but let myself get hooked because I found I was starting to believe I was as great as he thought.
You've helped me at the most critical time. Thank you for all your insights and knowledge. It will make all the difference.
Again, thank you. I am literally breathless from this journey, blessed, and so grateful for your work touching me this deeply.
You are a very interesting man Mr. Vaknin. Thoroughly insightful! Your sense of humour makes a rather difficult subject easier to digest. Thank you.
This describes alot of men (and men) today....what happened that society produced so many damaged people? Such a shame...i hope that everyone is able to heal and keep hope.
Thank you professor Vaknin, you’ve helped me understand a childhood I couldn’t even remember
This is one of the clearest descriptions and most accessible videos on the characteristics, reasons for, and patterns of a narcissist, over time.
Everything you said is spot on !
Yep ,sick arrangement is the perfect description of the relationshit .
This take is amazing and for those who have gone through this or are going through this. Wow. Really different way to aid in healing.
what is really sad is that the minutes you go through one of them it's so difficult to break away from them , but thank god for your videos Sam Vaknin I can't tell how right and on the spot you are as I am in a endless bad dreams, thank you
Spot on once again. My ex narcissist won't give me a divorce even though he lives with his girlfriend. When she brings up him divorcing me he tells her "let's see how you act." 🤨 Some people never change....
I’ve watched a hell of a lot of videos over the past 3 months. But no video has hit me like this one. I fully understand now. I fully accept the situation. I can now move on and realise he would have never been a good partner for me or a good father to our children
Amazing video! my 17 years of marriage in this video in every detail. It healed me much better than 100 hrs with different psychotherapies! Thank you!
At this moment I was contacted by the narcissist (hoover) he wants help with a job...(right). Says he can't talk right now but wants to but he is busy. Then sends me a screen shot of him playing a video game. So weird... I responded by sending him a screenshot of this video! haha
Exactly right! After giving and giving and being sucked dry for 40 years, he groomed new supply and discarded me like trash. It gave him lots of pleasure to see my pain. Blamed me for everything, said that I broke it and that it all goes along well but then spirals down.
At the time I didn t understand he was talking about the constancy of supply from me, a 66 yr old woman.
When I asked him why, if he wanted sex again after he d withheld it for 6 yrs, couldn t he have come to me, his wife. He said "you didn t court me"!
Selfish AF
Now this was was absolutely great! Thank you for all the information!
Especially when ur not really looking for answers anymore just understanding! Healing is glorious! Victory of NO CONTACT for 2 years is EVEN MORE FABULOUS! HEAL AND GROW! AND DONT LOOK BAVK
100%! My ex. He was exactly as you describe. This is so eye opening to me because it’s so similar to things I started thinking and feeling, on my own, without knowing the psychology behind it. He never courted me…just jumped right into a relationship (demanding it). Start threatening to withhold intimacy if I didn’t agree to marriage. Very immature mindset, I realized early on. Acted much younger than 50, and always bragging about his performances. Within months, after love bombing stage, he was secretly cheating. I later heard him talk about hating women, so I knew he had a demented view of women. Cheating, porn addiction….dark porn. And a pathological liar! They are very ill people. So glad to be out! Thank you for your info.
This healed so many wounds. Made so much sense out of things that have been so confusing. And, have been underlying some of my most profoundly bad behavior. Thank you for the enlightenment. I wish everyone could see this video.
Sometimes I want to talk with you or someone knowledgeable about these people but what you said in this one, really hit home. He didn't care about me or who I was. He wanted a cook and maid. Someone to control. I had my own mind and boundaries so he couldn't control me so he started arguments or criticized or insulting names. After I left and once I unblocked him I got one more nasty message and that's it. Thank you for helping me to heal and see my role in the problems with him and other narcissistic people in my life.
Wow, I don't think I need that psychologist appointment that I just booked anymore 😅🙏🕊️
Amazing observations on narcology by Sam, thank you. Where are the 200k likes ? so many people watch those videos.
I have never heard anyone describe the instability looming over the relationship, it’s so depressing and truly damaging to the psychie and inner peace.
Wow, does this explain a lot. I seriously laughed out loud at the very end. Thank you for helping me make sense of the discard and transition into new supply. I challenged him by questioning the relationship with new supply. Like the flick of a switch he flipped. I’ve never seen anything like it. So traumatic to experience but at least I can now see that was the exact moment the shared fantasy ended completely.
I sincerely thank you for this content. This is the profound life changing clarity I've needed for over 12 years married to a narcissist.
This video blew my mind. I left and he was married a week later. Wow. This explained EVERYTHING. thank you, Sam.
This is EXACTLY what my narc’s behavior was like (him). I’m blown away and in shock-it’s like you lived my life. 🥺 BUT, it validates me as well, which is a huge relief. Thank you thank you thank you. 🙏🏼
Best explanation I’ve ever heard . Utterly mind blowing and I’ve watched a-lot on this topic. Thank you Sam x
u are a true gift to narcissistic abuse survivers. thank u
Sam the work you did on this video is brilliant!!!!! I needed to hear every single phase of the nightmare I was in. I can't find the right words to say how grateful I am to you for your dedication to this. YOU are OUTSTANDING YOUR WORK IS PERFECT. THANK YOU
Sam I have watched many of your videos for the past couple years probably and this one is really amazing and really touching home
You have literally described my 2 year relationship with my Narc and myself. Everything you describes about the female in this dynamic is me also:( my heart breaks! This has been and is the most exhausting relationship I have ever been in. He always takes me back after cheating or reaching out and I have taken him back after cheating or reaching out. We have broken up hypothetically 200 times. I say hypothetically due to the shared fantasy.
I am a borderline as well:( it has been a complete mess
At age 74, I lived it for 2 years while immersing myself in NPD podcasts after the first year, so I had no doubt. We were students together 60 years earlier when his same cruel behavior was evident, smirk and all. Having no doubt, I ended it block/delete. I ignored red flags at the beginning that included his "er, uh, well I" cutesy act when he asked me if I am suicidal, out of the blue. No I am not. Yes, I was being set up big time. He told me his 4 marriages ended psychotically without taking responsibility. If I had not studied neuropsychiatry and worked in the field, I might have been #5.
Wow amazing. I think this is the best video I’ve seen so far. Makes me so angry he got in my head. Like a cult leader you’re right. It went to this existential spirituality, we are soulmates, it’s fate, we read each other minds, finish sentences, when I said no to helping him with his business, he stopped acting like he did in the love bombing faze. He wanted me to be his business partner and roommate. He knew the only way to win me was to be with me because that’s all I wanted. He knew exactly what to say.
This is a fascinating and informative video - I thought I knew all there was to know about narcissists but no. Further confirmation that my ex has NPD. He was elated and grandiose whenever I showed any kind of weakness or distress about his painful games and triangulation. Then when I withdrew my admiration or attention he was weak and powerless. Thankfully I didn't betray my values by cheating, unlike several of his poor exes whom he could then use to portray himself as a victim.
Such a clear, insightful analysis. Thank you, Sam.
Lol!!! Everyday did seem like the relationship was going to end and/or fall apart! I felt that just within a few weeks (when the love bombing was over and abuse started)
Incredibly grateful for your brilliant teachings. Thank you!
I'm learning more n more about the hell I went through can't thank you enough for all the time u have given all of us that wondered why has this happened to me. Thank you
You are the one that most accurately describes the behaviour of the narc. You are right about other youtubers making false generalisations, very dangerous as you say since people can get confused and not clear about the fact that they are wasting time with a narc or psycopath.Not all narcs cheat for example.
My narcissist was my dad. It's weird to hear it described as coming from a partner or different people. He started out as the strict, benevolent-yet-sadistic father. Over time it morphed to include a weird dynamic where I replaced my mom for him. There was no "getting into a relationship" in my life because he was always my only relationship since before I can remember. Leaving was like breaking up on two or three levels at the same time.
I know this dynamic well.
My marriage exactly!!! Now I understand what happened with everything that happened. Amazing!! Thank you so much for clearing it all up for me and I am sure other women too. So glad I took notes. I had read The Peter Pan Syndrome years ago and thought that was it. but you have gone beyond that. Yes I tried to leave twice before and it took the third time to accomplish. He replaced me so fast it made me blink!!! He definitely got a mommy.
It was said by Jesus "forgive them for they know not what they are doing"amen
@@silviaetchehun1989 who said I did not forgive him? Who are,you to question the HELL that I went through for 16 years!!! Get real please.
This has totally changed my views opinions my last 2 years of hell and me devaluing myself… I wish I knew all this 2 years ago… 7 years of a bliss relationship then 2 years of destroying me
Excellent Sam. Precisely well said.
Can I just say that I love everything you just talked about!! I learned a lot about what I experienced with my narc. As I listened all of the cogs were clicking into position and made sense. My favorite part was your saying “he will go out into the world and fuck it up again”! 😂😂
Exactly. Sadly this is precisely describing my last 12 years with a narcissist and a lifetime with the same via family members, perhaps that is why his company felt so familiar and comfortable. One can NEVER "cash the cheque" in such an association the relationship is simply a vortex of mirrors into the abyss with nothing as a reward.
Like wow!!! You just explained my whole relationship from beginning to end. No cheating but I did fantasize about it but I’m speechless. This is my favourite video of all time.
This was such a great lecture because it shows the path of the relationship...from beginning to end and may have started giving me some insights on how and why I entered into such a fantasy with a narcissist to begin with....which is my main focus leaving the relationship/fantasy with him. I want to address those issues so I never experience what I had to endure over the last 5 years. He is hoovering although I would have thought he wouldn't....but I am learning now how to change that and move on in my new life to find a better place for me. I do believe that despite his feelings of superiority.....I will be the one to walk away stronger and happier. I listen to people much differently now....and I strive for positive and reciprocated friendships. They are SO much better