being alooooneeee more than usual
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 ก.ย. 2024
- amanda's vid • the art of being alone
suzie's post: / chn61nmau2a
feelin lonely?
Samaritans
Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
crisis textline
Text HOME to 741741
also I downloaded an app called LEX recently for a queer community in your area! loads of peeps around to chat and give you online company :) it's innocent and also not innocent hahah
luvin u
x
main music channel: / doddleoddle
vevo: / dodievevo
twitter: / doddleoddle
instagram: / doddleoddle
my music is on all platforms like Spotify and iTunes! Just type in "dodie".
business contact: josh@dodie.co
![Whats wrong with me? // My Disabilities (Updated) [CC]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/5nJJGkx0igY/mqdefault.jpg)
tldr i'm so shit at being by myself wbu
yes i suck at that too
everyday. honestly, what is going on.
I'v suffered from depersonalisation since I was 8! But never knew the words til I've discovered your channel, things are still hard but you gave me words to express my state to my friends... So I thank you and love you 👌🙏
I’m the worst at it, I literally go insane
If you’re bad at something, just means you might need more practice ✨
"even my bones feel lonely"
me: ...........bonely....
I had the exact same thought
👏👏👏👏👏
Humans are naturally social creatures!! Needing other people to “function” is in our genes!!
Yes! Even introverts :)
I’m going mental here. I can’t function without others and the worst part is that my friends seem to be doing amazing
@@oyemate8647 I feel for you mate
most humans are! lol / only asocial and anti-social people have a different opinion! lol
Not true of everyone! There are definitely people who function better being alone most of the time and having human interaction in doses, rather than being with people most of the time and having alone time in doses :)
The dodie dots are slowly becoming my favorite thing in the universe. I haven’t worn makeup in years and they make me want to start again xD
🥺 Yes 😳
They aren't 'dodie' dots. People have been doing them for years. They do look nice tho
DODOTS
or DOTDIES
DODIE DOTS
It’s funny that you mention the way Americans speak is so full of life. I’m American and I’ve always enjoyed the way British people speak because of how calm it is
Being polish i love both: you, Americans sound so confident and happy, its so bubbly, but then the british sound so sofisticated and inteligent, i love it
@@oyemate8647 you're so sweet
I ship this
@@oyemate8647 aw I love that
it’s like i’m unintentionally pushing away all my friends and i HATE IT
tHIS
Me toooo
YES. And I’m always overthinking it. Am I a bad friend? Is it because of covid? Is it because I just got married? Am I pushing people away? Are other people checking in and putting in more effort than I am?
Ikr!!!
I've been doing that my whole life and I'm not sure how to stop.
“even my bones feel lonely”
ouch
literally hit the nail on the head on how I've been feeling for a long time
I felt that :(
This hit me so hard that I had to write music
dodie
2017 I am depressed today: “I have to be kind to myself”
2020 being alone more than usual: “and I know, I know i have to be kind to myself.”
i go back to that video all the time
this made me feel some typa way 🥺🥺🥺
me: *being alone with my thoughts*
my brain: YOU ARE NOT REAL WHO ARE YOU CRISIS CRISIS WHATS A BODY SAD SAD SAD
Man, imagine putting all our thoughts together in one big mental mush and it's all just internal noise pollution...
@@justmemyselfandi3131 yeah.....
How did this make me laugh so hard but cry at the same time
You are real. Everything else may be open for discussion, but
You.
Are.
Real.
i have never related more to this
dodie's ability to be so honest about her feelings and experiences and to explain it all in such a wonderful way is always such an incredible break from the crazy crap in the world, and was just that even before the pandemic.
i'm always going to be so grateful to her for being a light in the dark times i've had over the years, for being an inspiration in my own music, and for taking the time to raise awareness for DPDR (which i otherwise wouldn't have gotten diagnosed).
i don't normally leave comments like this, and i'm sure she gets loads just like it, but i've been thinking about it a lot lately.
oml i agree i love ur comment and i agree so much!
“even my bones feel lonely” “it’s so quiet” dodie you better make this into a song these would be beautiful lyrics
She has it just hasn’t been released yet! It’s called lonely bones
@@erinparkes9916 it's SO GOOD!!!! th-cam.com/video/U5lBNPK_sOI/w-d-xo.html you can listen to it here
@@triniy OH MY GOODNESS thank you!!
@@erinparkes9916 It’s been released!
I'm watching this three years later and I actually GASPED when she said that because Lonely Bones is now one of my fav Dodie songs ever.
dodie humans are NOT MEANT to be alone! we are highly highly social animals, our brains literally do not function in isolation. you are not a bad human for struggling with isolation and loneliness. we have evolved as pack animals and our brains are wired to require social interaction. you are not broken or weird, you are a human being
not everyone is the same, some people do prefer being alone. I love being alone, and can be alone for months without feeling lonely, remember everyones brain is slightly different. Not everyone is in the majority.
word.
why do we trick ourselves into thinking that giving ourselves a break is something to be guilty of??? we’re all growing humans and that growth is beautiful and individual and unique and we all need space and time and ROOM TO GROW !!! god i hate the human brain sometimes
Sometimes it's because our parents conditioned us to think that 🙃
I mean, when we grow up in a world that is constantly telling us our worth is entirely based on our productivity and career, it feels like you are failing and falling behind when you stop to breathe - even if it’s just for a second. But we’re alive!! And that’s beautiful!!! It really is important to push against what we’ve been told and remember that we live in a really very big universe and we are actually so very small but that’s not a bad thing!!!! It means we have so much freedom and choice and awesome power over our own lives. Please; if you want to sit down and watch a film or sleep for one hundred hours or take a day off to learn weaving; don’t let anyone stop you. It’s just not worth it. We have our entire lives to get on with everything else and taking a break won’t change that. In fact, it’ll make the rest of the time feel a whole lot better. And I know this is long and weird but I guess what I’m trying to say is, what is the point of a life if it is not to experience the world through the things that we find fun and interesting and exciting? There isn’t anybody on this planet powerful enough to take that away from you, even though they think they can. So just fuck it and take that break you sexy bastard.
Because of hustle culture sadly
Ow the feeling of missing out ur youth during the pandemic,,,,,,, hits hard. I'm 15 and feel like everything's passing by and I'm not only missing out the fun things but also missing out on vital growing up lessons hhhnnhgwgg
Same I’m a senior at 17 and I get that .
I know that feeling. I wasn’t allowed to do much when I was a teenager and I was alone quite often. Maybe that’s why I don’t „suffer“ so much under current circumstances, but social interactions stress me out.
Honestly you're only 15, I feel like I missed out on a lot when I was younger bc I was too worried about everything. Things will get better ❤️
Same
I understand this feeling but I promise in even a few years one year or two years won’t feel like a huge amount. And everyone else is going through the same stuff and you can catch up together
GOD IVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS TOO literally where does time go? i just go on autopilot and go on my phone and it’s november now? like is this how i’m gonna spend time? :((
This thought terrifies me
same like... i know it’s good to “take a break” and not feel guilty about it, but this (endless scrolling, autopilot for weeks) doesn’t feel like a break, it feels like im opting out of existence, and it’s terrifying
@@esme_melody omg this is exactly how I feel! My friend’s keep telling me to “take a break” and I keep saying “well I’m sort of ALWAYS on a break!”
@@esme_melody I've been trying to describe exactly this for months and couldn't find the right words. You just did it perfectly
@@esme_melody Yes, opting out of existence! Exactly!! And it's so hard to break out of it 😢
I’ve never realised how important people and the presence of people around me actually is. I spend my time sinking more and more into depression while trying to drag myself out of bed for work sometimes. And nobody knows when its going to end. It’s so painful. I am really lost.
i feel this, i’m here for you
!!!! i used to think of myself as more of an in between of extrovert and introvert but now i KNOW i’m an extrovert. i miss meeting people and learning about people and seeing people just .... be people and living their lives uhhh it hurts not to go outside and just LIVE
ur definitely not alone in feeling this, i feel the same. it has been such a tough year :( sending love
Honestly go out for a coffee and strike up a conversation with the waitress! Wear a mask of course, and take your coffee to go so youre not sitting in a restaurant for a long period of time but really just go be interactive with people! We need that genuine connection with people and we can do that 6 feet apart and keep everyone safe and meeting strangers is one of the best things and as humans we desire making connections! I recently went on a roadtrip, was by myself in my car the whole drive and slept in my car, but every rest stop or even random hikers who I met on the trails, having small conversations with strangers again was so welcoming. And we can still keep everyone safe by wearing masks and keeping distance!
You are not alone. I am feeling the same way as well. We singletons have to stick together and show each other support :)
Holy shit. Being alone is one of the worst feelings.
Living like that my entire life, huh
@@sleeping_beauty322 well I hope things turn around for you, but also yeah... I spent so much time feeling alone when I was young and then when I got into high school I learned that your in control of your own life and I’m not gonna say it’s like a snap of a finger and woah my life is all turned around now, but you gotta try and work hard. And you gotta do it for you, because I may not feel like it now but your an amazing person *yes I am fully aware I don’t know you at all in anyway* but regardless you are you, and yeah I’ve gone on my own tangent no one asked for but ... who cares. I’m alone and to all the people that are alone right now, things are gonna be okay because bad feelings fade and that’s all I’ve got to say. I wish everyone a lovely day
i just noticed how long dodie's hair is now-
Yeah, it's awesome isn't it?
“The way Americans talk is so full of life...”
I’m American and I was just thinking that I hear people say they love so many different accents and we must sound so awful because I don’t hear people say that about ours.
Small victory for me today to enjoy that kind statement when I’m feeling, also, alone.
“At least I’m not maybe killing people”
Well said
It’s weird but i was literally crying about not having anyone to talk to when i saw this video and
something about you talking about being alone genuinely made me feel less alone.
Same. This was really honest. Bless her for making people feel less alone in their loneliness.
Had a huge fight with my mum this morning. She’s super toxic and I’m not doing good. Been a fan since 2015 tho and you’re like an older sister to me, so I feel a bit better.
Sorry to hear about that, honestly. I really hope things get better ❤️
praying things get better. love you
You’re so cute and toxic parents suck but you’re doing amazing!!!
That really sucks, I'm sorry. Virtual hugs
I'm afraid of becoming a toxic parent. I have a 6 year old. Some advice from the kids of today would be much appreciated.
god as someone who hasn’t seen most of their friends in person since march, it hits different :(
i’ve not seen a friend for over a year, i get you. tho at this point i’m just used to my own company and it’s okay
I haven't seen my best friend since the beginning of March.. i live with my family and since both of my parents are in the "at risk" category we don't go out and see anyone except our neighbors a few times. I never thought as a shy more introverted person that I miss people
I feel like the world sells to you the fact that you need to learn to be all alone and be okay with it but it's only human to crave human connection, don't beat yourself up for not liking being alone, it's okay to hate loneliness and it doesn't mean you're broken
There's a balance to be struck, though. Certain actions need solitude to be fulfilled, like meditation for example. We need to learn when to be alone and when to connect with others.
@@dianeaishamonday9125 yeah i get you, thing is I'm not a lonely person at all and even tho I *can* be by myself I don't like it, I would much rather spend time with people
so true i feel terrible not wanting to be alone because social is full of people saying learn how to be alone
yes even just watching a movie feels more productive than scrolling and scrolling
100%
the queen’s gambit is the BEST YES DODIE
I don't know, just... thank you for making this... much love
i like how she reassured everyone that she's alright; just generally not liking the whole alone thing.
lots of reasons for not looking after yourself even though it’s “easy”
- not being able to get up because depression
-not thinking about it because you’re constantly trying to distract yourself because at this point it’s a habit
- not feeling like you deserve to be looked after
-not thinking it’s necessary or you’ll do it tomorrow
-not wanting to be a bother
(i’m sure there are others but i can’t think of them right now)
Some of these hittt
I stopped attending school fulltime 3 years ago, and it has made me feel more alone than anything else.
jdjshdje i love your pfp
"Even my bones are lonely" gOD you have such a way with words. sending all my love
this video reminds me of why I love church so much! It's literally a group of people who are willing and able to communicate with you and build up a community, even when the only interactions are online for the time being :)
this exactly describes how i’ve felt this year. i haven’t been able to put it into words but this is exactly it
“No one can be independent of other people completely, so why not give up the attempt, she thought, go running in the other direction, depend on people for everything, allow them to depend on you, why not.”
― Sally Rooney, Normal People
same, being alone SUCKS
but at the same time i’m now back at school and the pressure and stress of that and the anxiety and weight that comes with it, i have now decided is so much worse than the numbness i was feeling a few months ago except me then would have done anything to be me now, no matter how bad it feels as long as it was real.... but that’s life i guess
What you're saying at 2:22 brought this para from Normal People straight into my head: "No one can be independent of other people completely, so why not give up the attempt, she thought, go running in the other direction, depend on people for everything, allow them to depend on you, why not." I love that book so much :)
The fact that you called my accent "full of life" made me smile. I like UK accents so much cause they are so peaceful and calming and welcoming lol
I've deleted social media two weeks ago and it's been really good since now I'm more porductive and I don't focus on other people's 'perfect' lives while scrolling. I did keep TH-cam though since I learn a lot from it and watch music, enjoy art or videos in general and I find it more fulfilling than just scrolling through tiktok or instagram.
why do i feel like i could just sit here and listen to dodie’s voice forever, whether she’s singing or just talking🥺
i saw that i’m on my phone for around 10 hours and it made me panic cuz it feels like my life is wasting away and it’s so lonely.
hearing you talk about americans makes me feel a bit less embarrassed of being one myself 😂
Same!
I love love love being alone when I want to be, but feeling lonely is one of the strongest, most overwhelming feelings I’ve ever felt.
After being alone (+depersonalized) for so long, I forget something like the "outside" of my flat exist, but somehow I also tend to forget that an "inside" of me exist (e.g. the space to think or feel or process things in my mind), so I am just floating in the weird space inbetween
"even my bones feel lonely" wonder whether this idea might've evolved into a song...
I laughed quite hard at the "really? you never mention it!" part and I feel bad for that...
Sending love, dodie!
SHE'S BAAAAAACK
the past two weeks have felt like forever aaaaAAAAA
also the coloring in this video is... just so comforting and beautiful
ALSO also I feel you - I guess I never realized how much I actually need people to function until now, when I'm by myself all the time :/
My husband was in the room when we heard “so full of life” and we repeated it simultaneously in surprise 😂. Thank you for the compliment but just know that I love listening to people in the uk for the exact same reason!
Goodness, I completely understand! The pandemic on top of switching school programs, being at the cusp of graduating and moving abroad for college has really settled me into depression. Just the pressure of it all and the inability to seek comfort in friends has just been, frankly, suffocating.
Times are so warped now, and although there’s so much to be thankful for and blessings a plenty since although you’re alone, you’re alive and well, that doesn’t negate the heavy feelings that everything else gives.
Good luck and Godspeed, Dodie, and everyone else! The times are pretty poopy, to say the least, but we’ll get through it! I believe in you!
the snap opening brought me so much NOSTALGIA and had me thinking back to watching your videos a long time ago
you soothe me so much! i recently got diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and depersonalization derealization disorder and started meds,
you are so wonderful and have made a huge impact in my life
thank you so much i love u
the most relatable video yet. i think the combination of not having a job + not being able to see friends + seasonal depression = a highly depressive & low energy vibe around the house. it’s absolutely exhausting. it does feel good to be heard though, i’m sorry it sucks for us rn, dodie. but we’ll muddle through like we always do.
The pauses and change of pitch in her voice really do be taking me back to “arms unfolding”
this was exactly what I needed to hear from someone I’ve looked up to for so long.... seeing dodie struggle with the EXACT same panicked and lost thoughts I’ve struggled with the past 10 months in “quarantine” shows me I’m not alone. because I can see influencers post “you’re not alone we’re all going thru it!!” but that shit doesn’t do anything good. this did
I’m sad and this made me not sad
i work so much better by myself, but it’s comforting knowing someone is there. it’s nice to have an option instead of being forced to be alone
To dodie and everyone else: I keep reminding my students that nobody on the planet has ever been through anything like this. If you are struggling, feeling isolated, lacking motivation, anxious, afraid, depressed, stressed and/or otherwise struggling - good! That means you're human. If you weren't struggling right now, that would actually be weird. Even if you feel alone, you're not. There are millions of people in the same situation. 2020-2021 will be a loss. Just own it. The 1918 Spanish Influenza actually lasted from 1918-1920. Until we get a vaccine, our best option is physical distancing. Just known you're loved, you're missed, and there are people who can't wait to see your smiling face on the other side of this.
queen's gambit is also an awesome example of the different periods in life that we go through. beth goes through so many phases of loneliness and longing--this is just one chapter on the way to greatness & we will get there someday soon!
so we can all agree we are obsessed with queen’s gambit.
this is so relatable though, i’ve been feeling this for months but especially the past week and it’s so nice to know that we feel lonely but all of us feel lonely and to see you struggle with it but also be hopeful? and know that you can take care of yourself and stuff? that’s lit
as for getting out of that rut- what helps me is daily (or just as often as you can like start with once or twice a week or smth) asking someone if they can hang out or even just like talk on the phone or just sit outside in your seperate fields of grass and hang out so you’re at least talking to someone and you’re not alone. i’ve had so many good conversations that way and have felt a lot better the rest of the day
how can i feel alone when i spend every waking second laughing hysterically at my own jokes?
I'm way older than you and it's hard too. I really feel for the younger generation. I wouldn't have coped either. This should be the finest time of your life! You need others to share, experience things with, challenge you, laugh with, bounce off... and we are human. Humans are a social species.
as a depressed introvert and someone who spent the last 4 months constantly high, I relate to this way too much (dw im getting help now)
The sigh thing was perfect. It's so true
i love you dodie. thank u for using ur platform for good.
When I went to uni for the first time a few years ago it was the first time I ever felt truly lonely and it hit me like a truck. Ever since those first difficult 6 months, even though things are relatively fine now, I'm so scared to be lonely. Any TV show or film that touches on feelings of loneliness (e.g. queens gambit most recently) hits me so deeply and I cry so much. So I've had similar thoughts to Dodie recently about the importance of learning to be with just myself, but I'm still so afraid of the feeling of loneliness.
The Queens Gambit and The Devil of All Time, literally my latest two quarantine obsessions they're great.
i was just listening to cool girl on a loop and sobbing when i saw dodie uploaded this. it really helped calm me down :'-)
It's quite scary when your scrolling to avoide listening to your thoughts and then your brain decides to put a video on that echoes it's thoughts. It scared me enough that not long into the video I saw what was coming, got spooked, lept out of bed, had a shower and am now making a cup of tea whilst watching the rest of the video, so cheers :)
i feel this so hard. last lockdown i was in my uni house with all of my friends which made it so much easier, this lockdown i am by myself (i live at my nans but she works at a school full time and i am unemployed). the way you described the difference of having some alone time and actually being alone resonated with me so hard! i just want to be able to go to my room knowing my friends are downstairs rather than empty silence. the presence of people is so important. its hard af but we've got it dodie!!!
"recently I like to put on American news"
every American: why
Why is it that i always procrastinate to watch her vids and then feel sooo much better when i watched it .. it is like a really small therapie session for me personally and always hits home so bad
Yes. I am a music video director, and all of the bands that I work with can't afford / aren't very motivated to make new music right now. But mostly, I've realized that my fast-pace lifestyle interacting with lots of different people is what I miss the most. I literally get a weird high whenever I'm in a room with more than 3 people lmao. Thank you for being a voice for all of us. This will end, hopefully SOON. x
Number 1: I love your music videos Diego ❤️ Number 2: this will all go away soon like you said, keep at it luv x
I miss gigs most than anything and I miss your music videos 😢
@@mckennaparker4593 Thank you so much for your kind words x
@@VidsRndm I MISS CONCERTS MORE THAN LIFE
@Jerry Sanders This genuinely means a lot, thank you for taking the time to check my work
Im sending hugs, I understand the feeling of being lonely. It completely sucks, and sometimes I miss someone I hate just so that I would have someone to speak with
"I have no idea how to get out of this rut...well I do...it's probably just to try harder, isn't it? *growling noises*"
HAAAA yep.
This entire video was very resonant with me. I feel the same. I've found myself frequently asking, "why do I need other people so much??" Someone advised me recently that maybe it's just innate. Not wrong or bad. Just how we're made.
Sending you love and grace! We'll get through the door of this together.
Thank you so much for this video Dodie, I normally don’t like being alone with my own thoughts and having to sit in silence by myself all the time can be a really bad feeling, so this video really helped
how about you move to an isolated cottage in the scottish highlands with no wifi for 6 months? could work
hey i think i might steal this idea real quick
your colour pallets in your vids make me smile
I was just reminded why I love her voice so much
My way of coping with the loneliness has been putting on Dodie and Sav’s videos. Just listening to someone speaking about their thoughts fills the silence so well. I also struggle with dissociation but at least this way I’m spacing out while I listen to people’s beautiful words instead of whatever is on my phone
awwww hi love 🥺 we’re all here for you 🥰
edit: also yes. I completely understand. I feel the need to fill every blank space with music or tv or podcasts or scrolling on insta.
the devil all the time is such a good movie!! So many turns and the acting is phenomenal and it's just amazinggg
despite knowing you're sharing 1% of your life, I'm glad you're become a bit more comfortable sharing your thoughts in this video :'))
edit: ALSO I LOVE THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT
yea im feeling like that to, i just zone out all day long and just avoid all situations, its so horrible, and its scary when it randomly kicks in and i get this massive anxity feeling like in my heart
The part about putting on background noise to drown out the “soul sucking silence’, I felt that lmao
I’m addicted to TH-cam for this reason, not in the way some people describe where it feels like chillen with a friend because it’s distinctly different from that but... For that reason you described lmao I’m someone who generally, and *genuinely*, enjoys my alone time and bonding with myself, but this year stripping the agency of choice away... Ugh.
just subscribed to Amanda. Here’s a small doable challenge: When you watch a youtube video (one you actually want to watch) put it on full screen and take your hand off the mouse or, if you’re on your phone, put the phone somewhere so you’re not holding it and not hovering your thumb over the screen constantly. And just see how that already feels different to what you’re probably doing right now.
“Really? You never mention it”. Holy shit that made me laugh out loud 😂
I have been rewatching every covid dodie video trying to find this moment !! 1:08, the "I have depersonalisation *really you never mention it*"
being alone gets rid of the safety blanket of bouncing off of other people. it takes being alone to realise how hard it is to be alone with yourself. and yet it also takes the safety blanket of thinking you’re independent when you realise if left to your own devices you are barely even a human being
oUCH yeah
truuuulyyy
this hugely
thank you for being so honest, i know you've said you don't like talking about stuff like this when you're in the middle of it, but this felt really nice, so thank youu. also, and this is probably old news, but the thing that helps me the most with scrolling less is setting the tiny tiniest goals, like sososo small, because then you'll most likely succeed, and that'll make it easier to succeed again (it's like a proven psychological thing). because sometimes our brain just needs to experience the thing and realise that it works. and also to experience that we won't die from the immense discomfort. because experiencing that we are strong enough to endure the pain is different from knowing it/being told.
* lonely bones enters the chat *
hey. i've been alone 100% by myself for like 3 months now and I love it. I've always thought that solitude is so looked down upon and always have wondered why people never learn to be by themselves. These are the most obvious tips but it's literally what I do:
- work (always good to keep your mind off the crazy world outiside)
- fun breaks (watch movies, sit down and read)
- just playing music and singing non stop for hours until you need to do something else
hope this helps
YES THE QUEENS GAMBIT ANYA TAYLOR JOY IS SO PRETTY AND COOL
the sigh, and the pure look of desperation. i feel you. man, it is tough.
I know you know this already dodie, but just a gentle reminder that we love you 💛
The spacing is the whole reason I game.. It makes me focus on something else than my own thoughts and results in happiness for me.
Due to chronic pain & chronic fatigue, I haven't been able to work or attend classes, so for about 4 years now I have been home, luckily with my pets, but other than that, alone.
Here and there partners that last for about a year each, but that's fine, I'm ok with this.
Just sometimes it gets tough, but eventually it will all go away, things get better and I just take it day by day, miracles won't just happen, they take time.
Take good care of yourself to whomever reads this, if needed, take a step back, do something that relaxes you and then try again! You got this, I'm proud of you.
Me: no Im good with being alone by myself. Dodie: without phone. Me: oh shit...
I've found it one of the weird gifts of this year.
I was meant to do my A-Level exams in May, but those got cancelled. A whole year of my life that I knew was going to be dedicated to me cramming my brain with info became a wide empty gap in my life schedule. Suddenly I had space to think about myself, and at first, it was so easy to embrace the spare time and watch so many films and series, read so many books, absorb all the things I hadn't thought I would have time to with the rush leading up to exams.
But then that eagerness trailed off, and like you, I was alone with my thoughts. Who really was I, when I was suspended in a time that wasn't meant to be like this? Who was I when I wasn't a revision machine? Who was I when my friends didn't see my face for months? Who actually was I when all the external things that I would usually use to define me (gap-year-Kate, best-friends-with-Matt-and-Evie-Kate, English-Literature-Kate) fell away, and I was just myself, in my bedroom?
Won't lie, it was very much horrible at times, and I felt like a shell of a person. How could I be anyone when I wasn't leaving any sort of mark on people or places or things? But then I found myself turning to the things I enjoyed unabashedly, and using them to fill my days. Writing so much more than I think I ever have in my life. Thinking so much about my own trauma, and reflecting on seriously heavy things in therapy. Thinking honestly about my sexuality and the perspective that my demisexuality gives me on the world.
I sat with myself for about 8 months this year, and I think I've loved it. I have learned so much about myself - that I need exactly 9 and a half hours sleep a night, that I get no cramps on the first day of my period and that day two brings spots, that I really do need to be creative as much as I thought I did - and I wouldn't have been allowed the time to be with myself if this pandemic hadn't happened. I'm not going to toxically try to say this has been a good thing, of course, but I've found a pretty solid silver lining to it. A steel lining. The normal world doesn't allow for this kind of deep self-reflection, and only by putting what was meant to be the busiest year of my life on an indefinite pause have I been able to actually take a good look at myself at 18 years old and say "alright then. who tf are we and what is it we want?"
I definitely don't have all the answers. I'm 18 lol. But I have found that silence and comfort in just being with myself, with a therapist to help me through the difficult parts, so incredibly helpful and healing. I think I've become friends with myself this year, and I wanted to share my experience just to say 1) that anyone else who has had a similar experience to me isn't alone, and 2) that there is a possibility for this aloneness to become a good thing. It has been for me.
This is the longest comment I think I've ever left lol, but I hope it has been interesting reading for anyone else who has been thinking about how their identity has been affected by the constant aloneness of the pandemic. I hope that everyone who reads this is able to make friends with themselves in some way, and I wish everyone the best healing during and after this year
title is a lockdown mood
beautiful video, also the queen’s gambit is UNPARALLELED, its so so good
This feels like a callout but in a good way lol
The spotify sleep timer thing has made my life immeasurable better cause even when I'm going to sleep i need to play some music and not let the silence in