Being ‘the disabled one’ in university [CC]
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“It only hurts when I talk about it” if that isn’t the most relatable statement I’ve ever heard I don’t know what it is.
Lisa Newcar yup
Yes
It's up there with 'oh no, I'm fine!'
I feel it
I felt that statement on so many levels.
A person: *needs financial help because they're disabled* *can't be a full time student because they're disabled*
The government: Okay we'll give you money and resources to help with your disability but only if you're a full time student.
Yup!!!! Currently experiencing this now hahahaaaaaaaa
@@nat2002 Best of luck! I'm so sorry this is the way things are for you
@@lexin8139 thank you appreciate that 😊
I relate to this so much. The school accommodated me in so many ways for my disability. But couldn’t lessen my course load because it was required for me to be full time in order to get aid. And full time for my major was TEN CLASSES!!!!!! I was in school from 7am until about 8pm with a 2 hr break from 4-6 mon-fri. And then from 8am -12pm on Saturday. Btw, I went to school for music education as a violinist and vocalist. So this didn’t include rehearsal time or practicing or completing homework.
Ahaa this is why I'm glad I can take my degree online ;u; I feel this.
Thank you so much for watching. I've been really nervous to make this video and now nervous to put it out so... thank you xxx
Thank you for making it.
I admire your strength and courage. Don't worry, you have Claudia ... and your community here to help comfort you if need be 👍🤟💝
thank you so much. I would be in yr10 right now but I've been ill since last Feb and don't go out of the house unless i have to go to the hospital because i can't. I've been diagnosed with CFS/ME. and yes the system is broken and it's about of work. it's just so difficult doing anything.i used to do over 12 hours a week of martial arts and excersise but now i can't do any. I'm spending most of my life in bed now and i really struggle with telling people what i need and/or how they can help. so thank you. your so helpful please keep making your great content ♥️♥️
I can't form words right now but I really needed this video today to not feel so alone. Thank you, Jessica.
Thank you for making this video. My uni experience being chronically ill was ........ did every year twice did final year 3 times till I just went it's not worth my health because I was in the hospital 3 days a week the entire year.......... yeah........the final attempt I don't remember much of because of how much pain I was in and how much morphine was being pumped into me to stop said pain........
Hi Jessica. I was in a few of your classes at uni, and was amazed when I stumbled across your youtube channel a few years ago.
I have nothing against Brighton university, it's a fantastic place. But I also felt way too uncool for Brighton and for somewhere that claims to be so inclusive, I definitely felt very isolated at times. I didn't get much from the experience, other than some great friends, and my job now is totally unrelated to my degree that I paid so much money for 🤦🏼♀️. I'm so sorry you were struggling so much back then. It probably won't make you feel any better about your experience but whenever you were in the room, I remember you were always smiling, and people were drawn to your loveliness. X
JESSICA: " If there's one thing you need to know, it's don't be me."
ME: Ok. So I won't encourage anyone to be a resilient, strong, independent, fun loving, determined, inspirational, caring, loving humanitarian who advocates for their communities and is a voice for the voiceless ... 🙄... 🤨
Thank you for sharing your journey, Jessica. The strength you have shown is to be admired. Bless you. Take care!
👍🤟💝
Richard Velez - I couldn’t have said it better!!! I wanna be Jessica when I grow up ❤️👑💯😀
You're so sweet, thank you so much for your kindness ❤️
You are 👧🌈♥️. Your story is so raw and honest you will help so many people. As a caregiver, you are helping me to deal with my loved one in decline and my own anticipatory grief. Keep up the good work and I can't wait for your first book!
@@cheryllee7335 Prayers, strength, and love to you 🙏❤
Jessica, you are a person who sets the standard for surviving chronic issues. I just love spending time with you and your wife. Thank you for making our lives brighter.
I always jokingly say "I'm not crying, you're just blurry" but this video literally made me cry. I just want to give young Jessica a hug, and promise that everything will turn out alright. And then I think about young me, and how much she could've used a hug and to be told that everything was going to turn out alright... People who don't have chronic pain don't get that I'm in pain, all the time, even when I'm happy and smiling. I know that you understand that, because you're also in pain all the time. It might not be the same pain, but it's enough to know that you understand. Thank you so much for your videos, as they help me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Thank you for being an amazing force for good. Thank you for being. Thank you.
That line is absolutely brilliant! It'll be my go to next time someone points out I'm crying. *Hugs*
Yo-yoing between "I can finish this degree, just have to get to the end" and "this is hell, I can't do it, everything is twice as hard because I'm ill, why am I doing this?"
I can relate
I did this and then said to hell with this. Good bye!
@@cherrysweetvenum #brave!
I pushed through and finished... ended up having to take 2 years off after for physio, 101 medical tests and this and that... and I'm still not fully recovered, maybe to never be able to work full time (and therefore use the damn degree) anyway sooooooo maybe, take a break/drop it... just don't be me. :'D
I did the same thing. I have a diploma as an assistent baker now, while being too disabled to hold a regular job, making my diploma useless. I'm not sure why I kept pushing on when I can't use it anyway.
I do know some other disabled people have the opposite experience where they found a way to hold a regular job later, and then had no diploma or degree to fall back on, making it really hard.
So I think the most important things to think about are 'is this going to make me burnout and/or make my disability worse up to the point where I can't yse this degree anyway?' And 'Am I already too disabled to hold a regular job, and if yes, will it be very likely to improve? If no, is this worth it to me?'
memory loss is so horrible, especially when the only parts it lets you hold on to are trauma.
I'm going deaf, have joint pain, and fatigue and I am so scared... I don't want to get lost in a system that doesn't care... Thank you for this video, its reminded me I'm not alone
Stay strong! Get the help you need :) It's not easy for sure... I hope you'll find your way ! You get my support !
Hannah, please remember you "Are Not Alone." I can not tell you how many times that statement I am "Not Alone" has helped me get through a bad day!
P.S. and By the Way, you are Amazing!
The most important thing that you can do is actively seek out good people to surround yourself with. It's hard seeking those connections and maintaining them, but they are what will make life worth living in the end. At least, that has been my experience.
Never feel bad about asking for help - it's not a weakness to do so, it's a strength. Uni is scary and it's extra hard with disability, but the rules also aren't as set in stone as we're lead to believe, and there are people who want to help. I'm doing my 2nd year from home, after a two year break, and my own (less physically demanding) version of the course to suit my disability needs. It can be done and we have just as much right to an education as anyone else.💙🥄
Please, if you plan on going to college/uni, make sure you know your rights and know what services are available to you! Do your research not only into the aid that you can get but also the specific forms of aid the university provides, and their requirements as far as doctor's notes, forms to fill out, etc etc. Make sure you know all of these things inside and out before applying. Not to mention thinking about what you personally need regarding being close to home, having a carer, so on and so forth. It is a lot to think about and I empathize with you and all other students who are disabled and trying to get their degree, but I also have a lot of faith in every single student that they can achieve their dreams if they put in the work! Don't be afraid to ask questions, ask for help, and make sure you have a solid support network
Says "I'm probably going to cry a lot" with a big grin.
Me. I feel so seen.
I recently shared that I finally finished school, but I didn't talk about how it took me a total of 8yrs to complete 2yrs of college because my disability and yet the school still holds it against me. I have medical documents that says what happened to me but they don't care, they just put that I dropped out the first time I left school and so when I came back they made sure they were gonna make things ten times harder for me. Just going back about it makes me want to cry, I really don't have people to talk to about it, not that people care to be honest but I thought I would put my two cents in ❤💔
Jazzilyn CreepShow Congratulations on finishing school despite all the difficulties! I‘m sorry they made it so hard for you.
@@letterborneVods thank you, I appreciate that, really ❤
It sucks that things were made so much more difficult for you than they had to be. Congrats that you made it anyway!
@Jazzilyn Creepshow I am sorry for what the school put you through, and I feel heartbroken for reading that it makes you cry thinking & reliving it. But you know what, share your story. Shout from the mountains that in spite of how the people at that college treated you ( not despite your disability ) you were able to accomplish what few people in this world can do. Be proud of who you are, what you have achieved, and the mark you will make on this planet.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
@@TheAnon26 thank you, I appreciate that 🙂
I just graduated a few months ago with a Master's degree. When I started my Bachelor's degree, I didn't even know I was disabled. I just thought I was lazy. And everyone else thought so, too. I'm autistic and I have a host of chronic pain and body malfunctioning issues (all of which are still being investigated for what the hell is causing them) and even just knowing about the autism and having an official diagnosis changed SO MUCH for me when I started my master's. I knew not to take as many courses, I knew to plan for breaks, and I *told* people that I'm autistic so they wouldn't think I'm weird and they'd be more patient with me, lecturers would let me leave the classroom if things got too much, I was allowed to wear headphones in class and I never got in trouble for missing a ton of classes (which cost me grades in my bachelor's because just being too tired to move apparently doesn't count as being sick).
Hey gorgeous lady. I have an idea. Maybe have trusted people write down their most favorite major events they remember about you and give you dates or a timeline. Then you could put them in order. It could make a little book about you and that way you can jog your memory or even if it doesn't jog your memory then its still a wonderful keepsake.
Fans could mail you letters about meet and greets with you. Those letters could go in the book too or in a separate book.
Just thoughts from my sofa while I sip my tea and watch your videos for the 2nd and 3rd time.... 😉 💛💛💛
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Hi Jessica, I don’t usually comment on videos but wanted to a huge thank you. I watched this before an open day at Falmouth University for their Animation course and was super nervous about potentially studying there as it was local to me and I didn’t want to be seen as ‘weak’ for studying locally. I didn’t want my disability and health to hinder me.The course lecturer who interviewed me was amazing and I felt so supported on the interview and I had you in the back of my mind the whole time. It turned out to be amazing and I got offered an unconditional and was so happy to accept it. I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for you - so thank you!
It took me being academically expelled to admit to myself that yes, I was living with a disability, and to file the paper with my school's disability services. My transcript was a trip to look at- it was almost exclusively As and Fs and dropped courses (which don't impact GPA but do impact academic standing, as I found out) because I would be so paralyzed by anxiety and then depression that I just wouldn't go to class. I just pretended it didn't exist because I didn't know any other ways to cope- I didn't have the trust in my support system that I do now, or even just the support system that I do now. While I loved the actual content of what I was doing, I now know that another degree would have been infinitely better for me (long term assignments are absolutely devastating to my mental health, and I was in a course where nearly all my degree specific courses consisted solely of projects that the perfectionist gremlin in my brain didn't know how to "just finish".
It took me six years to get a two year degree. I still struggle with that, and feel like I failed even though I literally have the paper that says 'hey you did the thing'.
Part of me wants to continue education even knowing how stressful it is for me, but I'm at least taking a break.
pmmmAMV I know this is a month late and I don’t exactly know what to say but I relate very much to your comment. Getting through any school with anxiety and depression is a nightmare even if you really like your study subject. It is good that you are giving yourself a breather from it. I hope you find the way that is best for you.
@@jayk6447 Thanks, I appreciate it
Sometimes it helps just to know someone else just...gets it
I don't think there's anything I like more than learning new things- and in most cases it doesn't even matter what I'm learning, just that I am- but the structure of everything in school somehow just shuts me down in the end.
Maybe I'll develop some better skills or something sudden the line but for now yeah it's time to regroup
Its amazing but everything you have said... its like your story is the EXACT same as mine, its been so hard to come to terms with feeling like a failure for how things turned out but each year it improves. We all deserve a chance to succeed and sadly maybe when we took our go at studying things weren't in place to offer the right support.
this is three years later but I completely understand what you're going through. I've been academically suspended from university after failing several courses because of my paralyzing anxiety and depression (not to mention my undiagnosed ADHD running rampant). Even while trying again and again to do better in school, I still kept failing courses and felt like a failure as a person in response. I'm still actively working towards completing my degree but I want to say that if anyone relates to this: you're not alone, you are smarter and more capable than you think, and we got this
The inability of the system to deal with even the most minor and reasonable accommodations is frankly breathtaking.
I went to art school, and those years were actually some of my healthiest. I studied interior design (so far from my actual job now it’s laughable) and in our (ONE) class on accessible design they brought in a wheelchair and had each student take ten or so minutes to move around campus so we could “see what it was like.” One person did the kind of overly-solicitous hold-the-door thing and I felt like such a fraud because I wasn’t “really disabled.” Little did I know that 20 years later I’d be dropping a couple grand on a mobility scooter. I was ill then, just much less ill than I am now, and I didn’t yet understand that “disabled” doesn’t have to have a rigid definition, culturally.
Side note, the fairy light drama happening in the background was weirdly kind of what this video needed. 💛
I was diagnosed and treated for spinal cancer during my elementary years. I missed months of school and failed many of the standardized tests because I was in pain or hadn’t slept because of pain. I was placed in lower level classes because of my test grades, and I was miserable in those classes because they were too easy for me. I was separated from my friends because of those scores, and those scores were due to my illness. I thankfully had parents that fought for me to be reassigned to the other classes, which eventually happened. For months I was alone, in a class not meant for me surrounded by students who didn’t know me. Schools have no idea what to do with sick kids, they just shove them to the side. I’m so grateful that I’m healthy and alive today, but those years at school were miserable.
Jillian Fry - You are SO incredibly brave! Sending much peace and love to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️
-Lori- Aphantasia Gematria thank you so much ❤️ sending it to you as well!
Yours is a story of determination, hard work, and a will to fight for family. No doubt what your parents did for you is a true sign of love. Because of that, you are here today, healthy, strong, and showing the world who you are as an inspiring human being.
Richard Velez thank you 💖
They have no clue what to do with kids who aren't good test takers either. I got bored in school because I'm not good at taking tests therefore I was put in lower classes as well. The school system is broken.
This video made me bawl my eyes out because I felt so seen. My first year of university was actual hell, after a tough year I miraculously graduated high school and just made a run for it. I moved across the country to study something I was quite interested in but in a city I'd never even visited before. I was incredibly lonely, found it super hard to make friends and there were no resources to be found about clubs, student associations etc ... I was depressed as all hell and cried by way through the year. I couldn't even get a job ! After spending a weekend in Switzerland for one of my cousins birthday (she lives there) I started thinking about leaving but where to ?
It took a while but at the end of August I moved to Amsterdam, still felt like hell, got a job, got another job, had a burnout, went traveling, went back to one of my jobs, thought about what the hell I wanted to do, had another depressive episode, and finally applied to a course in Amsterdam. I found some friends, finally got a stable housing situation, joined a student association, lost my dad, came out and got diagnosed with ASD ... Turns out a lot can happen in just under two and a half years.
I like the course I'm currently doing, I still struggle with depression and anxiety, I am still often lonely but I am working towards a goal and it feels bloody great to be able to say I've passed my first semester of uni with really good grades.
So this one is for tiny 18 year old me, the world won't end if you quit university. You have a lot of growing to do and it's perfectly fine if you're not ready for it. Take your time, you'll get there ! x
Gosh, I’m so grateful for Jessica. She’s just so unapologetic and awesome and so freaking stylish. I’ve recently had to start using some mobility aids, and Jessica’s vids finding a scooter/wheelchair was so helpful to watch. Her thought really mirrored my own. Finally someone who understands how horrid and medical most aids look! Grey and plastic and just awful! I’m so happy people like Jess is raising their voices and daring to be themselves.
Same! So helpful to see videos like hers and stop feeling so weird and alienated! Also, she has so many good tips!
I'm currently the disabled one at uni, and it's hard to feel like no-one is listening.
That must be awful. I really hope you get the support you deserve. Shout if you need to, you have every right to what you need. 🤗
Speaking as a disabled person myself, what Jessica said really rings true. When I was deciding to go to university I had some pretty big decisions to make. I was severely sight impaired, I had just been qualified with my guide dog and I had a very unstable chronic illness. There were days that I couldn’t get out of bed because of my illness and other days where I would be fine. In the end I decided to stay in London and study at university very close to my home. It meant that I could stay at home whilst studying and receive the care I needed from my parents whilst studying for my degree and then later my Masters degree. It didn’t stop me making friends or having a social life, in fact I met a truly wonderful bunch of people who I’m still friends with now. Jessica is absolutely right, when you have a disability and you want to study at university you have to consider what is best for you and your well-being. Look at all the different options and really think about your worst day and what you would need to have in place to get through it. I absolutely loved university it was some of the best years of my life. But I don’t think I would have loved it nearly as much if I hadn’t made the decisions I did and really thought about what was best for me. I went with my gut instinct and chose the university that I felt most at home at and my intuition was right. Go with what feels right to you. Loved this video Jessica! You are amazing ❤️
also i feel like it's very important to recognise that if it doesn't work, it's not you who's failing at doing what everyone else is, it's that you have to do much more/invest more energy into doing it than they have to. So taking longer or not moving out or needing assistance are all absolutely not personal failings.
"Snapshots from a frayed timeline." That sentence made me cry. You are one of the only people I have ever heard describe it that way, so exactly perfect. I usually say "Those years are a junk drawer. There's stuff in there, but good luck finding anything useful."
Gosh I can relate to the lost and fragmented memories. Most of my childhood is lost or jumbled because of trauma and abuse.
Gosh me too but more because of memory problem like Jessica. It's really tough. I had a dream actually last night that I was having vivid childhood memories and I was trying desperately to hold on to each one so I wouldnt forget it again... I woke up quite upset :(
I feel the same
I’m very sad to read this. Fragmented memories are associated with dissociative issues because of abuse in childhood. Please do get all the help you need. God bless💐
@@RL-os9xl bless you 🌻 I am certain I did not sustain any childhood abuse at least not from my parents for definite. But I did have undiagnosed autism and bad ADHD with the emotional deregulation it causes.
I suffered a traumatic fall age 23 and my memory has been affected by that.
Jo Lawton it’s like all your memories and thoughts are stored in invisible cases that aren’t labeled. And suddenly some random thought or memory pops out of nowhere.
"It is the system that has problems and needs to become more flexible." I wish this was something that I realised sooner, back when I was in university. I have spent years blaming myself for things that happened during that time.
The way you described the "I had fun, o dotn remember it but I know I had fun" made me really feel that it is okay to just live in the moment because I know I'm not going to remember it, and it felt like it was okay to forget because the feeling is still there ❤️
I'm currently in my third year of university while trying to do deal with ADHD and horrible dyslexia. On paper, my school has a decent disability program but in reality, it is useless for people like me. My university requires a diagnosis no older then 2 years for things like ADHD or a work order, IEP, whatever you want to call from no more then 2 years before. Well, for me, my diagnosis was done when I was in grade 2, or about 11 years ago, and my last "work order" was issued at the beginning of high school. So my school has now been refusing to give me the help I so desperately need (this fact has taken me over a year to finally admit to myself because in high school I was that straight A, teachers pet student, and now while still keeping an A- average, am struggling so hard to even just get things done on time) for 3 years, and its awful.
That's so bizarre. Do they think ADHD is likely to just disappear?? 🤔
I relate so hard to being the neurodivergent student who keeps straight As and struggles to get things done on time. It's so frustrating because I will stress myself out to the point of multiple breakdowns just to finish something, but once it's finished I get an A and nobody else knows that I struggled at all. And it's this horrible feeling of duality, where on one hand I love learning and I am capable of learning and capable of doing each of the assignments on my own time, but I'm not capable of following the timeline and the standards and the formats and everything set by the educational system, at least not healthily. It's terrifying.
I'm at uni at the moment at Warwick, I think the main thing I've found challenging personally is that most people at uni have bodies that they can thoroughly trash (staying out late and drinking etc.), whilst still being able to do their work. But for me, that's just not the case and I often feel like people think I'm anti-social or weird when actually I would love to socialise with friends, but it would mean then being ill the next day and not being able to do the work i need to do. I'm also just not that big on drinking (partly again because it messes up my body more than the usual), but it seems to be all that people do at Warwick.
I really hate the partying culture. I never understood how people could do so much and not be horribly unwell. Now I realise my body is just not made to be tested. And that's okay. You're doing great in a difficult environment
Solidarity Maddy. I've just finished a 1-week crash course in statistics as part of my PhD. I'd suggested on Monday that we meet up on Saturday to celebrate getting through the statistics course - literally just going to a friends for pizza. Turns out 4 days of 9-5 statistics and a very late night last night to get the giant pile of assessed homework questions completed, means I now probably cannot make it. Fatigue has decided to manifest itself as horrific nausea and pain, so i'll probably spend this weekend in bed, in pain, feeling too sick to eat anything.
It was like this at UCL too omg... Everyone socialises like that and I found I had limited friends because I'm always super fatigued and alcohol and non-routine sets of my endo pain.
You and I could be friends. I'm physically fine, but I still can't party because of my anxiety and because i tend to get migraine. Plus, I don't like drinking anything that has alcohol in it.
The concept of having a very real and necessary bedtime is an alien concept to most college students, I've found. Makes life pretty lonely when all the club events you'd like to attend are after your bedtime.
When you spoke of your foot feeling like it's not attached, it reminds me of depersonalization, a mental illness, or aspect of other mental illnesses, that's commonly referred to as "the Alice in Wonderland disease". I get it sometimes, due to my CPTSD. I often feel like my hands have detached from my arms, most often while I'm driving, which is terrifying, or I feel like my neck is stretching.
Goddess, I super relate to that issue with your friends. When you talked about your loneliness in another video I cried thinking back to my own experiences. I'm bipolar, which makes me difficult to be around. Nearly everyone in my life has just up and left me at one point or another, most often without any warning. I've spent years of my life in near total isolation, including the last three since I moved away from the only good friends I've ever known. The only time I talk to people using my voice are at work and at Starbucks where I write. I have breakdowns at least every few days, sometimes every day.
Uuugh! I'm typing this as I'm watching, so each comment is separate. Talking about trying to be included in drama club sounds like literally my entire life. I was extremely emotionally unstable [bipolar child, abusive step-dad, just fucking crazy and often dangerous bio-dad], so from literally kindergarten to college I had no social skills. Everyone would flip flop on whether they wanted me around or not and get mad and yell at me if I didn't know which one it was that day. In middle school new kids were told that if they talked to me they would be outcasted. A kid who was nice to me was teased for me liking him [I did not], and he started to avoid me like the plague, something that still has me fucked up, actually, I've trained myself to stop liking someone as soon as it starts for fear of insulting them and grossing them out. I'm twenty-fucking-eight. I've even had teachers gang up on me through university, let alone ignore bullying that happened feet from them. I've actually started telling people I'm bipolar right away to avoid these reactions whenever possible.
This was hard to watch.
I'm so glad you found Claudia and Clara.
This sounds like a lot. Have you tried trauma therapy? A somatic trauma therapy like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing? I also highly recommend checking out Irene Lyon here on TH-cam. It is totally possible to heal from a lot of this by releasing dysregulation from your nervous system. It’s a tough job, but it’s totally possible. Hope things get better
WAIT IT HAS A NAME? OTHER PEOPLE HAVS THE THING WHERE THEY ARE DRIVING AND SUDDENLY THEIR HAND ARE THE WRONG SIZE AND THEY DON'T BELONG TO THEM AND IT HAS A NAME? I FEEL SEEN AND I MAY CRY
I recently was “asked to take some time off” from my university because of my disability and specifically because I chose to go through with a surgery that might help my long term health.
Good luck on your surgery!!
Amature at Everything
I recently was to, even though I repeatedly informed the university that this would just make me homeless
You should be able to get accommodations at your university!! That is awful! Much love to you. ❤️
Calandra Moore they can’t make you take a break from school
@@quirkyblackenby nope, but they can heavily suggest it repeatedly even though you've explained why it's a bad idea
University was awful for me too. My depression decided to wait to surface until I was thousands of miles away from my family and everyone I knew. There are many things about that time that my brain has blocked the memory of because it's too painful. I view my degrees as a testament to what I can accomplish, not because of the coursework, but because I made it out alive. I'm glad you got to the other side too. ❤
I'm crying along with you Jessica. Both my attempts at uni "failed" for the most part. I didnt fail, the system failed me. Just imagining how you must have felt in those times breaks my heart. I wish I'd have known you at university. I just want to help young Jessica and feed her soup and talk to her about how hard we both had it 😭❤
Also for once I got notified on time!
Fen Ratdad same 💖 my attempt failed due to something Jessica said here. “The system is more help to people who are skiving than people who are genuinely unwell”
I’m 27, 28 very soon. I have been one semester away from graduation for about... 4 years now. I went to college in one place, got a medical withdrawal at the end of my first year. Took a year off tried again closer to home and got so close. So damn close. But I couldn’t cross the finish line. I suffer from depression and anxiety and agoraphobia and probably some undiagnosed stuff too. And I had to leave. But I’m hopeful I will get a degree one day.
It breaks my heart to hear how rough it was for you.
My first year was absolutely terrible. I went to a school based on its prestige to please my parents. I knew something was wrong, but because I didn't have a diagnosis going in no one could help me - not that I knew how to advocate for myself anyways. I just slept in my dorm or napped on the lgbt student center and women's center couches. I cry when I talk about that time, too. Left school and work entirely for one year, got intensive therapy and my diagnosis. Started going back to a different school with 1 class and 10 hours of working which was almost too much. Stuck with it and now I'm finally graduating with my bachelors. I'm taking full time courses now, and working very part time hours in a preschool that already has 1 other disabled teacher, so they are knowledgeable. It's been hard and I still get sick easily, especially when I experience even the slightest stress. My parents berated me for it, but I got help in other more supportive places and I did it.
This echoes a lot of my experience with university. Just thank you. 5 years later and I still haven't finished my degree. It's so hard to explain this to my family.
Hey Jessica, random question: do you like to hug?
If so: * sending you the energy of a hug *
Amber Monein ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
She is a hugger.
I am so glad she has Claudia and hope to learn more about their supportive environment.
I've put off watching this video for a few days because I knew it would be hard for me to watch. And it was, but it was also a little bit calming to my soul.
I had to deal with disability, depression and chronic illnesses (still do sadly) in elementary school, middle school/high school and college myself, so I can definitely empathize with the broad strokes of what you spoke about.
I’ve become newly disabled this year from cancer treatment in my first year of veterinary school, and I’m thanking my lucky stars that I’ve been following you long enough to have access to this video. Thank you for being amazing!
I'm disabled and a third year university student. Accessibility is virtually nonexistent on my campus, so I can't wait until it's over.
The lift at my university constantly broke down. I wasn't allowed a pass to the service lift to get to my class on the fifth floor
All the best Gaby!
@@samtweedie4658 thats sad
My uni go on about being great for disability but are still missing so many vital things
Recently graduated college after growing up in a cult and developing a disability in highschool. 19:50-20:22 was my experience in a nutshell (except everyone made it clear that I was the weird kid and not welcome). So awesome, I'm crying. I always feel so seen from Jessica's videos.
The lights falling instantly accurately represents my will to live after going back to college..
P.S.I love your hair today Jessica!
Very accurate representation as to how I felt on returning to uni after a leave of absence. Department made it so, so obvious they actually didn't want me back. I'd got as far as the Thursday of Fresher's week and I was on the verge of packing everything up, and ringing mum and dad to come and get me because of how awful the disability person in the department had been. That was 4 and a half years ago, and the memory of this *still* makes me cry.
How on earth I made it through my final year and came out with 58.5% overall in my degree, I have no idea.
This is all the sadness that positive Jessica pushes through most days. Honestly, kudos for that.
The lights falling immediately, lol.
I'm not having flashbacks. I'm not crying. The feeling of isolation and fear didn't just come flooding back. The difficulties of dealing with missing time and memory loss isn't making me emotional. 😥😓 I think it's just being a human that is hard.
Thank you for posting. This sounds like a traumatic experience that you did not deserve in any way, and you were let down by so many systems. It is incredible that you are able to be so vulnerable with us and provide such a raw experience that can build empathy and lead to growth. ugh you are such a bright light - thank you!!
Hearing this story, and how hard it was, makes the bright, optimistic, passionate person you have grown to be even more incredible. Knowing that you went though what you went through, and that you come out the other side and worked to create the wonderful life you have now, helps me to believe that I will get through the struggles I am currently facing in life and become the person I hope to one day be. Thank you 💗
Left foot drop solidarity! I mean, it's definitely not great, but holy cow you're the first person I've ever even heard of having the same issue as I. I've been watching your videos for years, and I can't express the difference you've made in my life by making me feel less alone. Thank you.
That was a hard watch seeing her so distressed remembering the fear and pain. I wish I had known her then because I would have sat with her and made sure she ate. I’m a massive make food and drinks for someone to make sure they are ok. 💗
I have periods of time where my memories are patchy due to trauma. Some things I know happened but I don't really remember them happening or the memories are more like memories of a film I watched than something that actually happened. It's frustrating because obviously my brain is just trying to protect itself but having portions of my life that are mostly missing and the memories I do have having that disconnected quality is really upsetting. I was very ill with whooping cough as a child and the one memory of that time I had that I felt almost present in was having gone back to bed after being sick and waking up and realising I had fallen asleep with the light on something I couldn't normally do. I intentionally inhabited that memory because I remembered how weak and ill and small I felt in that moment and then my brain decided that was too much and took that memory from me as well. All this messy ramble is to say memories are weird and it's stressful when they don't just work normally.
I seriously thought I was the only one who had this!
I get this totally! Massive swaths of memories, mostly from my childhood, are completely missing. It's hard not being able to remember so much but sometimes trying to dig too deep and you can retraumatize yourself pretty easily which sucks.
"don't move away from your support system."
I can't really imagine what it's like to have a support system. It's not like I've ever had one. I want to go to university to build one, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to cope at uni or ever be able to work the way that I am. If it's so hard for disabled students to study away from home, what happens for disabled students who never really got to have a home, but who don't get any help to move out because I don't come from a "low income household". I don't know. It feels like the equation changes when your parents are the ones who gave you your disabilities. I don't mean genetically.
I think you and I may be in the same boat. I'm 40 and got my bachelor's degree after 12 years of trying, so I feel like I should have some words of wisdom. I really don't, except that I've finally managed to find a community of people who give a crap. I have trouble utilizing them, but they're there. I actually call someone now when I end up in the emergency room. It feels like a big step.
Best wishes with your life journey. I wish I could say more.
I did move away. Doing poorly at University was better than being at home (though at the time more of my disabilities were psychological than physical). In the end, it saved me. I now have a support system, and a family (25 years on, though), but it was extremely hard while I was in it. Weighing whether your parents are doing you more harm than good is incredibly subjective, and I'm sorry that you have to make that calculation.
really i'm just lucky to have a wonderful therapist. i'm 18 and hoping to move away as soon as possible, and i really hope university will be good for me. i don't really have a physical disability, but PTSD is a lot to handle and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to have a normal job. but of course, to be eligible for the right benefits i have to be estranged from my parents, but to do that i have to support myself even though i cant work.
it sucks to have to make choices like these i guess. but i'm certain there is something to get better for.
if you guys haven't read "the body never lies" by Alice Miller, it helped me so much. it has the most clarity of any book ive ever read on the subject.
i really do hope i can have a childhood and an adolescence and a family one day, its just hard to keep going until i get there.
Some unis are perhaps more likely to have a supporting community than others. Also in some you might just get help if you fit into their support system, and in others they are more likely to bend the system for you.
So, if you manage to choose right (unlike Jessica), then you may find a support system that way.
This breaks my heart because I was isolated fully alone at home for the first semester of CIT with multiple anxiety disorders and ptsd. I ended up having to leave cause I couldn’t physically attend the classes or do the work however I had the privilege of having access to a doctor that listened to me once I was able to get to one and get onto anti anxiety medication and regular therapy but it doesn’t stop it from causing me to fear this years course that I am redoing but a positive from all this is I know now who to go to within the school for help and my family is aware of my mental health and regularly keep and eye and ear out for me.
While I don't have any disabilities, my Mom does. This was back in the 1960's, but she tried to go to a University and only made it through about one semester because she had zero support and ended up failing out. While the supports in place aren't great now, at least they do exist somewhat. I think if my Mom had been given a little support from both the school and her family (who would actively discourage her from having "high expectations"), then maybe her life could have been better than it was.
Girl. I just want to hug you.
You are gonna help sooo many people with this video! I empathize, because I can't remember being age 16-20. I started college at 16, and had to drop out of it and high school a year later because of the trauma I was living through. I never got to go back to college, and it makes me so sad. It feels like there's a break in my life, and I was a different person before. I was such a smart, creative kid, and I had such big plans for myself! Although I can't compare our medical struggles, my brain just doesn't work the same now. It's a cocktail of anxiety, depression, and memories stored in weird places. I've also recently discovered I'm living with a chronic illness that gives me brain fog (fingers crossed I get a diagnosis this year). I wouldn't have been able to adjust to my new physical limitations so well if I hadn't discovered your videos right before I got really sick. This video made me feel SO much less weird, and less alone. THANK YOU, Jessica. 💕
I'm excited to start watching this but ready for an emotional rollercoaster. Enjoy your trip in Rome & happy 5th engagement anniversary & birthday to you when it comes!
Shoutout to you for always making me (and I’m sure so many others) feel so valid in my own body. Much love
I know this video is so important but I also felt such pain watching this as well. I'm so glad you got through this all.
This hit me incredibly hard. I’m currently in college, dealing with being undiagnosed and in the worst chronic pain ever. I am a part time student, because I have to be, and even then I’m scraping by. The memory loss is so hard. Days will go by and I won’t realize it. I look back at previous quarters and can only remember very few things. Thank you for sharing this, it makes me feel so much less alone. I was crying right along with you, as I live through something so similar. Feeling seen and understood is something seriously lacking in my life currently. While I have a good support system, they are all abled and that is absolutely helpful, but also I can’t get the same level of understanding from them as I can get from others with disabilities. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
This is just... my entire school experience so far. Thank you for posting Jessica, I needed to know I wasn't alone.
Wow. My most recent traumatic event has to do with uni. It was really healing for me to watch this video. I didn’t get into the only Uni I cared about going to bc my parents and teachers were in denial about the severity of my disabilities and didn’t get me an IEP growing up. The only uni I cared about didn’t care that I was a hard worker than the abled kids they were accepting. I was so close. They didn’t see my problem as adversity bc they only seem to acknowledge poverty, having parents absent specifically due to substance abuse, and racial biases as adversity. There are SO many types of adversity that impact highly intelligent people’s grades. I went to a different college, when I suddenly got SUPER ill. Like, went from a varsity soccer player to bedridden for two years. I couldn’t drink alcohol anymore and suddenly my peers didn’t want anything to do with me. My life was going to doctors and my partner having to take care of me. Bc I didn’t have an IEP and was sick so much I had to miss class a few times to go to the hospital, my profs did not care and one failed me for it and two gave me C’s and it was somehow legal. I lost the scholarship that was gonna allow me to afford grad school, which I now cannot afford. My parents wanted to rip me out of college and didn’t wanna sue even though we would have won. I eventually took initiative and got what I needed from my school and suddenly I was getting A’s. I would have graduated with a 4.0 GPA if my professors hadn’t been allowed to discriminate against me that first semester. My therapist suggested I study abroad somewhere liberal and gay friendly to make college more positive for me. Instead of thinking about where I actually wanted to go, I chose a private program in Denmark. BIG MISTAKE. NEVER study abroad with a company, ONLY do it through a uni!!!! I had so much trauma from the academic system that I was desperate for the company to be better. We paid $25k. I spoke to the person who admitted me and even met him in person. I even got my partner to sign up for their Stockholm version. When I arrived the first week, I got lost outside in the winter snow and got either the flu or a fever and had to miss orientation events. I got emails saying that I need to ASAP go to their offices and discuss my accommodations. Just like at my small liberal arts college, I emailed my profs at the start of each semester explaining my accommodations and opening up a dialogue so they could empathize with me as a person, since I learned that unis are not very efficient with communicating accommodations. Over the course of a week and a half I was forced to go to these offices every day and miss classes. They wanted me to leave on my own bc they decided they didn’t wanna accommodate me. I was told that I was not supposed to discuss my accommodations with my professors (lol). Apparently the person who admitted me did not do his job properly. I was told “my disability is not an excuse to avoid the real world” and that i was so disabled that they shouldn’t have admitted me. They used tactics to rile me up and make me cry so that I could choose to leave on my own (less work for them). I let them know I wasn’t going without a fight. My parents would not empathize with me at all. They ramped it up from there, and kicked me out by recording of all the things I said after they insulted me and made me cry, and lied by saying I was using verbally abusive language. They tried to make me accept blame that I caused the problem which made no sense so I refused. I paid, showed up, and my crime was having my body. They said they’d refund 75% of the money and never did. They took the whole $25k. Then that week, I had to go home, and my partner was stuck in Sweden without me. I knew nothing about Danish laws, which they knew. I’m worried it’s a scam they do like once a year or twice a year or something. Apparently what happened to me was illegal. It’s hard for me to look back on college positively but I do try. I went through hell though. It’s been hard to watch people post pictures of study abroad. My abled brother is doing it rn and up until recently, it used to make me physically sick when I heard anyone say “study abroad.” Years later, I’m finally starting my healing. I deserved so much more than what I got, and we all deserve better. Thank you for speaking on this, I love you SM!!! ❤️
just wanted to say you're such an idol to me
I'm really into the 50s and 60s and basically everything that's vintage so i get inspired by you
This struck a very painful chord in me. I am in terrible pain for 6 months already and I am still undiagnosed. Got a scan scheduled in 2 months and I am terribly afraid I'll be beyond repair once doctors figure out what's wrong. I go to uni full time and I have a part time job. I have to pay rent on my own and all of my family and friends live in another country. My room is a terrible mess, I starve for days because I can't get up to do grocery shopping or cook. I've been to ER so many times but they just give me painkillers and send me home. Following disabled people on social media has been keeping me sane. Thank you for sharing your experiences, Jessica, even if they're painful to talk about.
Ahhhhh so excited for this in high school and am terrified for University but im glad you got through it
I only know one word to say to this: *respect*
Perfect.
You don't know me and we will probably never meet, but I love you. Your story is heartbreaking and I am so glad you are in a much healthier place now (if not physically, you seem mentally healthier). I love watching your normal sassy, sarcastic videos, but I'm glad you opened up about this too. I love you and I want you to know that you have friends from all over the world who you just haven't met yet
I was diagnosed with dyspraxia whilst at University. I was really struggling to keep up with everyone else and I couldn't understand why everything took me so much longer and I couldn't pick up the appropiate social cues that everyone else did so flawlessly. It was actually my lecturer who thought... "Hey, I see that you're struggling with taking notes during class and recalling information... maybe you should turn to the student services and ask for advice" from that one lecturer, I was fortunately diagnosed with a learning difference and it completely turned my experience around. I was helped my DSA with software, recording equiptment and a learning difference specialist who helped me plan and write my essays. I thank my lucky stars every day that my lecturer saw that I was struggling, because without it, I would have failed. Thank you for bringing DSA to light Jessica
Being the disabled one that has something that no one else has was really hard in high school;and the STARES were like daggers to my heart and brain!! I became so paranoid that everyone was watching me which became so bad that I needed to go into therapy bc I did became delusional! Being in drama club also helped me become more social and I also became the girl that talked to everyone so I wouldn’t have to deal my emotions.
University was the most difficult thing I have ever done! I became so ill during my second year that i had to withdraw, I lost my scholarship and 2.5 years worth of memory during that time. I had to move home and it was terrible and humiliating and so so painful. However, I have since graduates and moved in with my partner. I am working on being ok with the fact that my body will never be 'normal' and I am so so so glad to hear that I am not the only one with a horrible university experience! Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share this!!!
Thanks for making this video, Jessica. I started to struggle in the final two years of my degree, and universities are often not equipped to offer practical help to students. I hope it gets better.
This advice is also great for life with chronic illness. Finding community and support is so important. So is knowing, respecting and standing up for who you are and who you want to be.
Thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable in this video. I hope you see yourself now as the person you needed when you were younger because you are that for SO MANY people right now
College for me was the dream that everything with my health will be sorted out before I start. Well, I started off pretty good but by the second year, my health had some challenges and I had a few surgeries.
I’ve had to remold what I thought “college me” was going to look like into where I am functioning at now. I had to drop the timeline in my head in order to feel comfortable with where I was at. College/university will always be there, so if I need to focus on my health, then that’s what needs to happen. I just try and believe that the timing of all of this happened for a reason and is guiding me to the next chapter ✨👩🏼🦽 thank you for making me feel so much less alone in this
I teared up throughout this video and constantly though.."I wish I could've known you during this time so i could've been there to help you." You amaze me in every way when i watch your videos.💜
Currently a university student who has recently become/ progressed into being quite ill just sobbing along with this video, 💜 much love.
16:56 that's so true. So much hypocrisy in society, there is soo much effort to make a disabled student life work! I have both psychiatric and neurological issues so, even though mine aren't as severe as yours, I still relate to this so much, even living in a different country. Like, I should study part time, and staff tell me that's "FINE", but does the courses work to take part time? No! Is that OK for getting my student loans? Well yeah, but with so much effort it seems not worth it. If I try to social care, just a few hours a month maybe, because my apartment is most often filthy, and I am filthy (more than normal) because I'm too exhausted to shower, especially to wash my hair... But will I get help, so that I don't have to put so much effort into all those things, that I need to study at an even slower pace? No. Because I _can_ clean and cook and all. Sometimes. It drives me crazy. I mean, I could become a higher pace working, tax paying citizen much easier and faster if you'd just make things accessible.
This is so relatable! At least, in the memory loss department, i have short term memory loss, and it is, truly scary, not remembering what i said earlier, or what happened last week, but luckily, my memory loss only applies to recent memories, so, the memories that havent been trauma blocked, i still have, but thats when i can tell if its not a dream i had.
Loved this so much! I have POTS & EDS, use a wheelchair & am currently at uni (also after 2 years being bed bound) & am now making vlogs & tips videos about it if anyone wants to see how to make it all a bit easier if you’re considering it or are there already 😊
My friend’s vlogs were what made me realise it was possible for me & I’m now having an amazing time despite my illnesses, so I hope anyone who’s having concerns and feeling like past Jessica can see this!
I can’t really help you at all but here is an internet hug
I made it through university while I was the most sick I've been in my entire life. I had 3-5 (depending on how you see it) undiagnosed issues, that I was just coping my way through. The last term, when we were supposed to write our paper (I was studying a Bachelor's in English, chose Literature for the paper), I finally ended up on sick-leave. During the year I was sick I lost a lot of my memories, and the ability to speak and think and write for a few months, a lot of the memories are still gone. It eventually trickled back, and a year after I got sick-leave I went back to finish the last term and the BA Paper, because the university had been helping me by saving me a spot, but only for the next year's run. So I felt like I couldn't miss that opportunity.
I was enrolled for fulltime studies, but in practice I barely got up to 50%, and I had made that agreement with my teachers/professors on my own, because the healthcare and health insurance services in Sweden doesn't actually help students rehabilitate back into studies.
I made it through, and that term was fantastic in so many ways, even though I was still very sick. I wasn't even sure I was going to finish the paper until the very morning but somehow I did.
Then it took me 2 years until I actually started to get diagnosed and found out I had been going around with Hypothyroidism for 6-7 years (from my own calculations), I had hEDS, most likely POTS, fibromyalgia and psoriatic artritis. I've been in so much pain for so many years, and I just felt invisible, and had given up on health care entirely, until my mom wanted to help me by buying me compression clothes to help deal with my fatigue from walking to the store. We invested that money into seeing a private doctor instead, and this is the best choice I ever made.
And now I'm crying too. Thank you for sharing your story, and I've found your channel has really helped me accept who I am and what I am capable of, especially your vlogmas, and sharing how your bad days can be, made me feel a lot less alone. Thank you.
Thanks, dear Jessica for this video!
I.. thank you for talking about this. I tried university, I somehow managed school, but had already raked up so many issues. And in uni I was there for under half a year. This was before I was diagnosed with anything, so I just felt like a failure, because everyone else could do it. This was when I was 20, I got my first diagnosis though no help, Autism. I'm 23, 24 this year and I just got my chronic pain diagnosis. I've been struggling for so long and I appreciate it so much that you share what you can remember. Because you're saying that it WAS hard and even though I'm still somewhere on benefits fighting to be treated right, I feel less alone. Thank you.
You and those lights 😅😅
I've only just come across your videos and I'm hooked. My hubby has even been watching over my shoulder. We think you and Claud are AMAZING people. This video broke my heart. The world needs more people with your strength and kindness. Don't ever change. 🥰
Oh Jessica. Seeing you cry and so upset is absolutely heartbreaking. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us.
You're a ray of light ♡ and I look forward to your videos, your humour, knowledge and honesty. I would have been your friend and would have been more than happy to help you out. ♡ big hugs
Yeah when I was in college I was recovering from an extremely abusive and unstable home life and was in the throes of complex PTSD and nobody had any idea what a *state* I was living/existing in when I was alone. It started to dawn on my friends when we were hanging out in the little shared space and I fell asleep, and when they woke me up going back to their rooms, I started violently and uncontrollably sobbing, like those deep wracking full body sobs. Those episodes definitely meant that I only had a few very close good friends, and absolutely no casual aqcuaintances. Those friends graduated my first year and then I was totally alone. Being isolated by things like this is all the more painful when you really do like people and want to be friendly and sociable and have *people.*
Currently in university and so far it's just emotionally overwhelming but other that that pretty bearable. Like everything is for me. I learned that things are more likely to take an emotional tall on me than physical.
I just want to give you a big hug!
Thank you for sharing your story 💞
I had to quit school halfway through high school due to asd, depression and anxiety together gave me significant physical symptoms. I was so tired all the time and my body was constantly in fight or flight mode, making me feel sick 24/7.
After a year of that I went to special education for two years but they put me in classes that didn't fit me at all and it was a worse experience than my regular education.
I quit special education last summer and am now working towards school in my own way. Over the summer and fall I volunteered at a elderly care program, helping making food and doing the dishes etc. It was nice for some time, but it was also time for a new challenge at the end.
Recently I started a sort of work experience project where I'll learn how to do admin work, and they'll help me with getting back into school. I feel very supported there and I'm happy I found them :)
Thank you for sharing this, Jessica. It's incredible how powerful someone's point of view and personal experiences can be, when told by the source themselves.
As for me, I didn't even finish high school. I dropped out 2 months before 1st VGS, because my insomnia got too bad. I would get sleepy at 6 Am, when I was supposed to leave, so I'd sleep every other day, if I was lucky.
University was very difficult for me due to my mental health difficulties. I found my anxiety went through the roof, I secluded myself and I overworked till the point of exhaustion. I had to take a leave of absence as my brain got so bad. You are definitely not alone in not finding university the incredible experience some people make it out to be. Sending you so much love Jessica. You are a wonderful person - I just wish i could give young Jess a hug and bring her some hearty soup xxx
I can relate to this so much ❤️ I'm in my 3rd semester of university atm and doing it with mental illness is harder than I ever expected.
@@sarahk8053 i'm really sorry to hear you're going through that too. it's such a hard journey but you will get through. sending you all the love xxx
I just want to hug you so much!!!! 😭😭😭 Oh Jessie, you made it out!!! You did it!!! I'm in tears.
I swear the things you talk about resonate now with me. I have social anxiety and depression and I'm now an almost hermit crab! It's easier to hide than deal with people. Thank you for giving me things to think about even though our stories are totally different! I was too scared to go to college/university as I was badly bullied and it scared/scarred me for life! Now to go spend some hours binge watching all your videos especially the ones with Claudia as you 2 are so cute it makes me happy lol x
Wow, I am still baffled that you actually graduated with a university degree after going through all of that. That you saw what was going wrong and realised how to make it work for you and what you needed. I desperately want to hug young Jessica and tell her she is going to make it. I need that hug, too. Too bad it's COVID. But this video definitely works as well. It makes me believe in myself and also inspires me to do my best to be there for others in such situations.
This is so relevant to me right now. Trying not to be terrified. 😬
4. Don't isolate yourself.
I feel that so much.
So much of you Uni experience matches my own. I only paralyzed one arm, but that was when we found out something was wrong with my nerves. it was more than 20 years ago and I still struggle. Thank you for the warm smile and love that brightens our days.
I'm trying to complete the second year of my degree 2 years after the first, and I'm doing it from home, 6 hours away from the uni. Sometimes you just need to take time out and accept that you'll have to wait a while to do it, and that's okay even though it feels awful sometimes. It broke my heart to have to leave and "rest" for years, while my peers graduated without me, but I've learned so much more along the way, things a university course could never have taught me. I know the things that really matter to me, and the people too. Your uni experience (and life experience) doesn't have to be generic to be valid and worth while. Great video as always ♥️🥄🦓
full time uni at sussex was so extremely difficult and soul destroying not only because of my depression and anxiety but because of the abusive relationship I was stuck in while I was there. After 3 years of constant breakdowns, mental health crises and resits I had to drop out to escape my abuser. This video means so much to me as somoene who also only really rememvers painful bits and pieces of university and feels guilty for admitting this to those friends and people who enjoyed spending time with me then xxx
I love you, Jessica. This does break my heart for you. I wish I could somehow give you everything you've ever wanted!💖💖💖😭😭😭
watching this in my summer before going to uni whilst worrying about how i'm going to cope due to my parents concerns about how me being autistic has been effecting me recently is really helpful and reassuring, thank you.
The statement that hurt me the most in this whole video was "then I'd have to call my mom to come take care of me, which I knew she didn't like doing". That just broke my heart.
I think the driving was a big part of that, if later Videos are anything to go by... Not that "making a day trip" to see your child miserable (by their own choice?) sounds fun.
I just want to say thank you, I cried too. I'm currently in week two of my second semester back to university with disabilities and your experience is so very similar to what I'm going through right now. My body, my brain, its all wonky and unpredictable and terrifying. It's very difficult and I don't know how I'm going to get through the semester but I know I'll do my best. Thanks for helping me feel not feel so alone.