I believe the narcissist knows they are doing wrong because they avoid those they have hurt who remain strong despite their treatment. They know they are bullies and like it.
yup. have to deceive themselves in order to deceive others. the self-gaslighting (i'm a great person!) results in donning the "mask" (see, i'm a great person!) donning the "mask" helps in gaslighting others. PEACE!!!!!!!
Before my husband was aware of compartmentalization, he actually described that he felt like his mind was full of boxes. When he was home with me, his brain was in that box. When he was with his girlfriend(s),he left me, our life, his feelings in our box and not touch it. He would be in the box of that part of his brain with his girlfriend when he was with her. As the years went on, he gaslighted himself increasingly and discarded things increasingly. It increased, got worse, compounded. An example was our dog died at age 11. A family dog that had been with us through so much. It was an expensive breed, and less than two hours after the dog passed he ordered a new dog from a breeder. I found it fascinating to watch how he could not handle dealing with the pain of the loss and instead dealt with pain by replacing… like he did me, our kids. I can see how it is so incredibly difficult for them to change. Divorce final next week. Free after 24 years and finally seeing what my kids begged me to see.
I believe they don’t give a crap!!! My husband slapped me across the face really hard. Then the next night he put his hands around my neck. He said it was my fault that he put his hands around my neck. He said I was having a “bipolar” moment. Seriously? He’s delirious! The court didn’t even care about his abuse!
Look for another bed. Go no contact. Only then recovery can start. You are not yourself right now. Succes on your journey to happiness. You are alone fighting for yourrself in confusion. You have no partner. Your biggest enemy is your partner. X.
They, as a 50 year old will still have a temper tantrums that resemble,a grand mal seizure with all 4 limbs jerking in tonic/clonic movements then act as if nothing happened. They loathe being caught/called out & will deflect, blame shift, deny, rage or anything else that gets them off the hook.
This is helpful in confirming that I’m going through narcissistic abuse. This is my mother in law to an absolute T, but now instead of being able to avoid her I’m stuck living with her and it’s deteriorating my mental health. I have panic disorder and have become her favorite target. It’s gotten to the point of her taking it so far that she not only says nasty lies to our family about me, but has even called the police to have them kick me out of the house (they didn’t, they actually told her to stay in her room and that we need to get her meds checked with her doctor). I could’ve pressed charges as well since she tried to physically push me out of the house in front of my children. Why? Because I had a headache and didn’t hear her say “hello” in the morning. I don’t know how anyone can tolerate being around those with NPD but it’s a thousand times worse when they’re undiagnosed officially or live in denial of the fact. Her favorite phrase? “I’m a good person I don’t deserve this!” So you hit the nail on the head there.
This is your husband’s mother. I’m not getting the impression that he is talking a stand for his family here. I’m guessing you live there for financial reasons, that it is her house? You and your husband need to be a united front.
I left and I think I am in still the hoping stage. In Australia it’s not illegal to pay child support. I’d love to do 1:1 and I will when I get financially stable again. I started a Gofundme so hopefully that will help
I DO NOT CARE!!!! i ONLY CARE that i'm no longer exposed to it!!!!!! AND I NO LONGER CARE THAT HE NEVER CARED ABOUT ME!!!!! THANK GOD, I CARED ENOUGH ABOUT MYSELF TO STAGGER AWAY AFTER 2 WEEKS OF THISSSSSS .... PEACE!!!!
Ben, thank you so much for this. After 33 years of marriage, raising two children as a stay at home Mom, and a 3 year divorce process still happening, I can't wrap my head around the fact that leaving me with no retirement at 59 doesn't matter to him. I obviously never mattered! I got a postnup after 26 years and he's trying to overturn it. Any advice?
@andreaborie LAWYER UP BIG TIME and prepare to do whatever it takes to stay the course!! My story is similar, I was married to a covert malignant narcissist~ Sociopath for over 40 years, raised two children, one of which was disabled. I was the stay at home mom… he worked full-time, but I did literally everything else!! He thought he could kick me to the curb without so much as looking back, and even made the statement to my face “you no longer exist to me” (I looked him straight in the eye without so much as flinching and said “I never did” ) He was already in another relationship when the divorce process started. The divorce process took three years because he fought every court order, pulling illegal stunts and doing everything possible to make it drag on and on… He knew that I had no money, and no ability to take care of myself, and could barely survive, and was hoping that I would give up fighting for what I knew was rightfully mine in spousal support as well as half of his 401(k) I live in the state of Florida, where if you are married more than 17 years, it’s considered a long-term marriage and qualifies for up to lifetime alimony. Both of my children were already adults and living out on their own so of course, there was no child support to consider. Once the judge finalized the divorce decree, and my Ex was given the court orders to pay up, he then literally liquidated the entire 401(k) placing all of it in his new girlfriends name~bank account, quitting his 35 career~ place of employment and then up and moved out of state without leaving a forwarding address with the courthouse, which was breaking another Legal requirement by law. I was then forced into hiring a new attorney and reopening the case to go after him once again, and ended up needing to hire a private investigator to find out where he was living and to serve him the subpoena to appear in court, for which he was given two weeks to come up with all of the money or face getting extradited and put in jail, with the judge, ordering the entire amount owed as the purge before he could be released. He was finally backed into a corner, and ended up having to come up with all of the money, most of which he had already spent refurbishing his new property~home that he had bought out of state, as well as the purchase of a brand new fancy sports car. I don’t know if he ended up needing to take out a loan in order to come up with the entire amount or not~nor did I care!! My attorney also made it very clear to the Judge~court that my safety would now be at risk, and that we requested the alimony be garnished from his paycheck and paid through the court system, which would automatically deposit in my bank account each month, keeping me, and my whereabouts unknown and protected, so that he would no longer know where I live, nor which bank I use or anything else about me. My entire marriage was a living hell and the divorce was an extension of it But the payoff was worth it, and although I am at the age where most of all my peers are already retired, I am navigating life alone learning how to live without fear (outside of survival mode) beginning to thrive in my new life, earning my own income and Sleeping peacefully for the first time in over four decades!! I am immensely thankful to God that I survived, and although I still have major trust issues, and in therapy to deal with C-PTSD, trying to heal from major health challenges, all stemming from the decades of severe stress… I will say that what didn’t kill me made me stronger and I am a survivor ~THRIVER!! God bless you as you move forward and don’t give up going after what rightfully belongs to you after being in that long-term marriage and raising the children as a stay at home mom! 🙏🏼❤️🩹
So sorry! One good note is that if married longer than 20 years you will be able to apply for social security benefits as his ex wife when you turn 65. This is my understanding, so check these facts. And this costs him nothing. I would keep that to yourself, though. Don’t need him to say to you that he should do any less because of this.
Hopefully you have a lawyer. Upon divorce, he should be dividing a portion or percentage of his retirement savings through the divorce proceedings. You are entitled to a portion however you must consult your own lawyer about how the assets can be portioned out. Best of luck! Of course, he isn’t going to touch those but legally you have a right to a family lawyer, especially as you were married for so long.
you never mattered to him. he made you never matter to yourself. now start mattering to yourself and prepare to live the rest of your life mattering to yourself. PEACE!!!!
Excellent explanation and video. Saved to replay. Your narc mind viewpoint you share has been essential to my healing and understanding. Definitely witnessed the narc history rewrite> believing new rewritten preferred version of narc history. Narcs daughter and myself at different times brought this up to narc. Thank you very much for sharing this revealing information.
@Ben Taylor can I please ask why my response is no longer viewable and or removed? I didn’t violate any policies whatsoever that I am aware of. I spent a lot of time and thought in a response that was informational and which could be very helpful for others. We can’t learn what not to do if we aren’t even aware of reasons that are posted response is removed and given no warning or reason !?! I’ve been following you for two years and have never had any issue before Please respond~make me aware of any policy that I may not be aware of…thank you😊
maybe it's TH-cam, not him. maybe someone flagged your comment. i doubt if he has any time to read every comment ... contact TH-cam through google ... PEACE!!!!!
I have so much rage, but am not in a financial position to leave yet. Fortunately, he works out of town for 3-4 mos at a time so I have some peace. However, NOT having him around truly gives you perspective how bad it is when he’s home.
RESPECTFULLY, WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT: your financial state or your mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical wellbeing???????? you're given opportunities on a regular basis to leave, disappear, vanish, without any confrontation, but you won't because of finances????? PEACE!!!!!
YES, HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT HIS WIFE the way a normal male or man cares about his wife. just because he's "self-ware," WHICH THEY ALL ARE, doesn't mean he's NOT STILL a narcissist. he's just MORE AWARE of his narcissistic behavior and MAYBE...controlling himself in ways that make him less...toxic, abusive, MAYBE. for them it's ALL about "supply"--CONSTANT admiration, praise, validation; positive self-image to others because they lack or are severely deplete of self-worth ... so, THEY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES, ONLY; MAKING THEMSELVES FEEL GOOD ... ONLY. NPD is a mental disability. not a character flaw. they're wired the way they are from early childhood, if not epigenetically. THEY CANNOT CARE ABOUT OTHERS. it's TRULY ALL about them either because they were severely deprived of attention as children to the point where it traumatized them (told they were nothing); OR they were given an excessive amount of attention as children (told they were the best) that makes them crave it in a very unhealthy way as adults. when he REPEATEDLY says in his videos: "THE NARCISSIST DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU" he means himself too or he should because, again, being "self-aware" ("honest" or "vulnerable" or "accountable" or making efforts to self-improve) does NOT mean he/they are NOT STILL narcissists (trying to rewire their hardwiring)!!!! refer to the Heal NPD channel. PEACE!!!!
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Maybe they do. But they don't care. They want you to act like it never happened. Forget the behavior, "it's the past", leave it in the past. lol 😢
Not always true. This is a mental illness and a narcissist is capable of being self aware of their behavior and it can’t be stressful to deal with.
Yet pointing every "wrong" you have done to them over and over and the second you rebuttal "that's in the past". Some are even monsters like mine was.
Bingo
@@Mafia1Worldnot a mental illness, a personality disorder...not the same
@@Mafia1Worlda self aware narcissist is like seeing Bigfoot. It's not likely to happen. Very few can humble themselves to be aware.
If they are hiding it/deleting or not telling you about certain details (omitting) - they know it’s bad behaviour and shouldn’t be doing it.
THEY'RE GROWN AS FOLKS AND, mental disability or not, THEY KNOW THEY'RE BEHAVIOR SUCKS!!!
PEACE!!!!
I believe the narcissist knows they are doing wrong because they avoid those they have hurt who remain strong despite their treatment. They know they are bullies and like it.
UMPH!!!!THERE!IT!IS!!!!!!!!!!!
PEACE!!!!!!!
They are cowards.
They would rather have you crawling back to them sniveling and begging them to to come back.
That will be the frosty Friday!!
EXCELLENT EXPLANATION!
ALWAYS KNEW self-gaslighting was their #1 defense.
yup.
have to deceive themselves in order to deceive others.
the self-gaslighting (i'm a great person!) results in donning the "mask" (see, i'm a great person!)
donning the "mask" helps in gaslighting others.
PEACE!!!!!!!
Would love to help you on your healing journey. Check out this video to see if you connect: www.rawmotivations.com/breakthrough
Nothing about it is ok
Before my husband was aware of compartmentalization, he actually described that he felt like his mind was full of boxes. When he was home with me, his brain was in that box. When he was with his girlfriend(s),he left me, our life, his feelings in our box and not touch it. He would be in the box of that part of his brain with his girlfriend when he was with her. As the years went on, he gaslighted himself increasingly and discarded things increasingly. It increased, got worse, compounded. An example was our dog died at age 11. A family dog that had been with us through so much. It was an expensive breed, and less than two hours after the dog passed he ordered a new dog from a breeder. I found it fascinating to watch how he could not handle dealing with the pain of the loss and instead dealt with pain by replacing… like he did me, our kids. I can see how it is so incredibly difficult for them to change. Divorce final next week. Free after 24 years and finally seeing what my kids begged me to see.
Wow. This helped me so much see what my soon to be ex fiance processes life. I'm happy I'm leaving before marriage. Thank you
My husband (soon to be x) doesn’t care about how he treats me!!! Karma is coming!!!!
Your future happness will be his demise. Go for it!
Judgment day?
I believe they don’t give a crap!!! My husband slapped me across the face really hard. Then the next night he put his hands around my neck. He said it was my fault that he put his hands around my neck. He said I was having a “bipolar” moment. Seriously? He’s delirious! The court didn’t even care about his abuse!
The courts are awful! I'm sorry!
You NEED to get OUT of that Situation ASAP.
Look for another bed. Go no contact. Only then recovery can start. You are not yourself right now. Succes on your journey to happiness. You are alone fighting for yourrself in confusion. You have no partner. Your biggest enemy is your partner. X.
I am getting divorced in September thankfully! Moving on to a peaceful life. Amen 🙏
Please be careful. So sorry this happened.
I need to watch this one every day! Not kidding! This says it all!
They, as a 50 year old will still have a temper tantrums that resemble,a grand mal seizure with all 4 limbs jerking in tonic/clonic movements then act as if nothing happened. They loathe being caught/called out & will deflect, blame shift, deny, rage or anything else that gets them off the hook.
No. Their standards only apply to other people.
The part about the NPD self-deceiving was very insightful. Thank you.
No and if they do it was not a big deal if it was it was not their fault and if everything fails just stick to the lie and hurt them more
Amen to that.
There we go
This rewiring and self gaslighting sounds quite bad for a narcissist, especially when it comes to work related and social situations.
This is helpful in confirming that I’m going through narcissistic abuse. This is my mother in law to an absolute T, but now instead of being able to avoid her I’m stuck living with her and it’s deteriorating my mental health. I have panic disorder and have become her favorite target. It’s gotten to the point of her taking it so far that she not only says nasty lies to our family about me, but has even called the police to have them kick me out of the house (they didn’t, they actually told her to stay in her room and that we need to get her meds checked with her doctor). I could’ve pressed charges as well since she tried to physically push me out of the house in front of my children. Why? Because I had a headache and didn’t hear her say “hello” in the morning. I don’t know how anyone can tolerate being around those with NPD but it’s a thousand times worse when they’re undiagnosed officially or live in denial of the fact. Her favorite phrase? “I’m a good person I don’t deserve this!” So you hit the nail on the head there.
Clear your mind. Go no contact. Save yourself and your kids. Get rid of flying monkeys/enablers. Even when it's your husband. X
This is your husband’s mother. I’m not getting the impression that he is talking a stand for his family here. I’m guessing you live there for financial reasons, that it is her house? You and your husband need to be a united front.
I left and I think I am in still the hoping stage. In Australia it’s not illegal to pay child support. I’d love to do 1:1 and I will when I get financially stable again. I started a Gofundme so hopefully that will help
I DO NOT CARE!!!!
i ONLY CARE that i'm no longer exposed to it!!!!!!
AND I NO LONGER CARE THAT HE NEVER CARED ABOUT ME!!!!!
THANK GOD, I CARED ENOUGH ABOUT MYSELF TO STAGGER AWAY AFTER 2 WEEKS OF THISSSSSS ....
PEACE!!!!
I spent 11 years denying he didn’t love me. Yikes 😖
Ben, thank you so much for this. After 33 years of marriage, raising two children as a stay at home Mom, and a 3 year divorce process still happening, I can't wrap my head around the fact that leaving me with no retirement at 59 doesn't matter to him. I obviously never mattered! I got a postnup after 26 years and he's trying to overturn it. Any advice?
There is only one advive: Radical acceptance. Never mind your losses. Stay strong my dear and start living a happy life. (I have been there too). X
@andreaborie
LAWYER UP BIG TIME and prepare to do whatever it takes to stay the course!!
My story is similar, I was married to a covert malignant narcissist~ Sociopath for over 40 years, raised two children, one of which was disabled. I was the stay at home mom… he worked full-time, but I did literally everything else!! He thought he could kick me to the curb without so much as looking back, and even made the statement to my face “you no longer exist to me” (I looked him straight in the eye without so much as flinching and said “I never did” )
He was already in another relationship when the divorce process started.
The divorce process took three years because he fought every court order, pulling illegal stunts and doing everything possible to make it drag on and on…
He knew that I had no money, and no ability to take care of myself, and could barely survive, and was hoping that I would give up fighting for what I knew was rightfully mine in spousal support as well as half of his 401(k)
I live in the state of Florida, where if you are married more than 17 years, it’s considered a long-term marriage and qualifies for up to lifetime alimony.
Both of my children were already adults and living out on their own so of course, there was no child support to consider.
Once the judge finalized the divorce decree, and my Ex was given the court orders to pay up, he then literally liquidated the entire 401(k) placing all of it in his new girlfriends name~bank account, quitting his 35 career~ place of employment and then up and moved out of state without leaving a forwarding address with the courthouse, which was breaking another Legal requirement by law.
I was then forced into hiring a new attorney and reopening the case to go after him once again, and ended up needing to hire a private investigator to find out where he was living and to serve him the subpoena to appear in court, for which he was given two weeks to come up with all of the money or face getting extradited and put in jail, with the judge, ordering the entire amount owed as the purge before he could be released.
He was finally backed into a corner, and ended up having to come up with all of the money, most of which he had already spent refurbishing his new property~home that he had bought out of state, as well as the purchase of a brand new fancy sports car.
I don’t know if he ended up needing to take out a loan in order to come up with the entire amount or not~nor did I care!!
My attorney also made it very clear to the Judge~court that my safety would now be at risk, and that we requested the alimony be garnished from his paycheck and paid through the court system, which would automatically deposit in my bank account each month, keeping me, and my whereabouts unknown and protected, so that he would no longer know where I live, nor which bank I use or anything else about me.
My entire marriage was a living hell and the divorce was an extension of it
But the payoff was worth it, and although I am at the age where most of all my peers are already retired, I am navigating life alone learning how to live without fear (outside of survival mode) beginning to thrive in my new life, earning my own income and Sleeping peacefully for the first time in over four decades!!
I am immensely thankful to God that I survived, and although I still have major trust issues, and in therapy to deal with C-PTSD, trying to heal from major health challenges, all stemming from the decades of severe stress…
I will say that what didn’t kill me made me stronger and I am a survivor ~THRIVER!!
God bless you as you move forward and don’t give up going after what rightfully belongs to you after being in that long-term marriage and raising the children as a stay at home mom! 🙏🏼❤️🩹
So sorry! One good note is that if married longer than 20 years you will be able to apply for social security benefits as his ex wife when you turn 65. This is my understanding, so check these facts. And this costs him nothing. I would keep that to yourself, though. Don’t need him to say to you that he should do any less because of this.
Hopefully you have a lawyer. Upon divorce, he should be dividing a portion or percentage of his retirement savings through the divorce proceedings. You are entitled to a portion however you must consult your own lawyer about how the assets can be portioned out. Best of luck! Of course, he isn’t going to touch those but legally you have a right to a family lawyer, especially as you were married for so long.
you never mattered to him.
he made you never matter to yourself.
now start mattering to yourself and prepare to live the rest of your life mattering to yourself.
PEACE!!!!
Excellent explanation and video. Saved to replay.
Your narc mind viewpoint you share has been essential to my healing and understanding.
Definitely witnessed the narc history rewrite> believing new rewritten preferred version of narc history.
Narcs daughter and myself at different times brought this up to narc.
Thank you very much for sharing this revealing information.
@Ben Taylor can I please ask why my response is no longer viewable and or removed?
I didn’t violate any policies whatsoever that I am aware of.
I spent a lot of time and thought in a response that was informational and which could be very helpful for others.
We can’t learn what not to do if we aren’t even aware of reasons that are posted response is removed and given no warning or reason !?!
I’ve been following you for two years and have never had any issue before
Please respond~make me aware of any policy that I may not be aware of…thank you😊
maybe it's TH-cam, not him.
maybe someone flagged your comment.
i doubt if he has any time to read every comment ...
contact TH-cam through google ...
PEACE!!!!!
Thank you for explaining this ❤❤❤-Xclusyph Icon
I have so much rage, but am not in a financial position to leave yet. Fortunately, he works out of town for 3-4 mos at a time so I have some peace. However, NOT having him around truly gives you perspective how bad it is when he’s home.
RESPECTFULLY, WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT: your financial state or your mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical wellbeing????????
you're given opportunities on a regular basis to leave, disappear, vanish, without any confrontation, but you won't because of finances?????
PEACE!!!!!
So does that mean u don’t care about your wife?
YES, HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT HIS WIFE the way a normal male or man cares about his wife.
just because he's "self-ware," WHICH THEY ALL ARE, doesn't mean he's NOT STILL a narcissist. he's just MORE AWARE of his narcissistic behavior and MAYBE...controlling himself in ways that make him less...toxic, abusive, MAYBE.
for them it's ALL about "supply"--CONSTANT admiration, praise, validation; positive self-image to others because they lack or are severely deplete of self-worth ... so, THEY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES, ONLY; MAKING THEMSELVES FEEL GOOD ... ONLY.
NPD is a mental disability. not a character flaw. they're wired the way they are from early childhood, if not epigenetically. THEY CANNOT CARE ABOUT OTHERS. it's TRULY ALL about them either because they were severely deprived of attention as children to the point where it traumatized them (told they were nothing); OR they were given an excessive amount of attention as children (told they were the best) that makes them crave it in a very unhealthy way as adults.
when he REPEATEDLY says in his videos: "THE NARCISSIST DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU" he means himself too or he should because, again, being "self-aware" ("honest" or "vulnerable" or "accountable" or making efforts to self-improve) does NOT mean he/they are NOT STILL narcissists (trying to rewire their hardwiring)!!!!
refer to the Heal NPD channel.
PEACE!!!!
So at what point did you self reflect and start working on yourself. What did it take for you to get there
His wife left him with their child and he didn't think that she actually would. He was then forced to change even though it took a while.
Why do you always refer to "the narcissist" as he/him?
according to studies, over 70% of narcissists are biologically born males. ...
PEACE!!!!!