The BIG value in a breakup with a narcissist IS losing that worthless individual. Losing the narcissist is the BEST thing you can obtain from that person. Let that sink in.
@@harrisonwallace3498 yes, I understand that and have educated myself on all of this but there is right and wrong. They knew exactly what they were doing. Behavior tells all.
I’m trama bonded in a narcissistic marriage and I know they do sometimes regret and occasionally try, to not loose their appliance. But they don’t love themselves either. They are a monster catch 22. They are evil out of fear and everyone is as worthless as they feel about themself that they rarely if ever tell Anyone!
44 years and 3 kids and I meant nothing. When I left he was posing on the front lawn like “here I am “. He forgot to look in the mirror; with his huge belly and receding hairline.
He didn't give a shit about me or how I felt. He just kept doing the same shit over and over with no regard for my feelings. I still cry because I can't understand why he did it. The mind games and manipulation. He was so convincing. I start to try to move on, and then he pops back up triggering me all over again. He told me he was going out of town with his family this week. In reality, he's with his gf 😢😢
They don’t regret losing you. They just get mad at you because now they have to put forth effort to dig up old supply or hunt for fresh supply, but most likely go back to some old supply.
@Nina-w7m8q Not In my experience dating two ex female Covert Narcs they never went bsck to exs , blocked them, ghosted thrm and also they never flaunted new supply on facebook etc thry literally would go off the grid for months and months...
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Literally, came out of his apartment upset because I went to meet him so we could go to a show- Came out yelling calling me psycho bitch , I’m crying, and then he LEGIT sprinted off.. RAN AWAY…
If you care about how a narcissist feels, you are losing your time. Best thing is to go no contact, forget they even exist, because anyway they are not worthy of your time or efforts.
They discarded you long ago and found someone or something better to do.They are heartless people.Dont think they ll ever be sad over losing you because for them it's all your fault
@@Zaz170 my sincere sympathy - they are insidious human beings and it's taken a year to come to terms with it all. Sending you healing thoughts and prayers x
Yup! I sent a text to my ex saying that exact thing. I said “You just edit and rewrite the story to fit your narrative” that enraged him, and of course I got the most vicious response back. Blame shifting, projecting etc etc etc. zero accountability.
YES!! Rewrite the whole narrative to be in their favor or just to look as innocent as possible. Mine accused me of things I couldn't even physically do just so it wasn't his fault.
The ata what it really feels like . They talk to ANYONE… literally. Like just to have an “audience”. Just to all about themselves and what they go through. It’s disgusting. Sad and pathetic. I really wonder what their childhood was like. Must have been bad.
Being alone equals confronting their lack of self, emptiness, emotions and the reality of their childhood neglect. They'd rather live in fantasy/delusion.
Being self aware that i had a very toxic mindset, i can say, they do not care about hurting you, its all about them and getting their needs met. No matter what you say or do, it does not matter, once their focus is redirected towards someone else, youre no longer a concern of theirs.
For me , that is the toughest part of the entire thing. It’s the hardest part to get over. Knowing you mean absolutely ZERO to the person you genuinely loved and cared about. It’s the worst part of it all.
There is nothing you can do to get them to honestly & truly regret hurting you or losing you. They will just go find a new supply to put up with their abuse.
I left my narc husband after 30 years. I was his only stable, primary source for so long. Yes he was a serial cheater so he had loads of secondary supply sources. What you are saying is he's only missing me like he'd miss a fridge or car that broke down? He'll only miss the control be had over me? Ooooof that's a painful pill to swallow.
Good on you for finding freedom - especially after so many years! That's courage and growth - both values the narc does not possess. We are objects to be used to fulfil their needs and we are expected to behave and obey. I bet he isn't taking any responsibility for why the relationship ended.
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Love the explanation btwn feeling ‘worthless’ vs ‘worth less.’ Few yrs ago, I let my narc husband cause me to feel ‘worthless’ by questioning the devaluing comments he made to me. Then I realized, God gave me a purpose to be more than just a wife. I’m a valued mama, nana, sister, friend, etc. This video helped me understand that my narc actually thinks I’m ‘worth LESS’ than him. Not worthless. Big difference I’m glad to understand. No wonder we argue over simple words. Because HIS idea of my value/worth to him, and MY idea of the value I want to be to him, are not the same.
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Wow! Your comment really fits for me. Just getting over a break up. I was married for 27 years now bakn in the datung scene 2 years. Meeting a lot of narcs. Six month relationship just ended. We argued over small words. He would argue forever if I repeated something he said but not using his exact words. He would see that as justification to belittle me and yell and shout
Yes they are, they are cowards, they run away from every day issues, if they can’t deal with it they bury their heads in the sand.. I think that’s one of the main reasons why they discard their partner/spouse.
Mine called me a "worthless piece of 💩" repeatedly every night as he clocked back seagram and sevens untill he passed out. Fun times! He died 7 years ago. We were together for 17 years. His misery nearly killed me. Im still here. Life is better. Its been slow, but i am happy again. There is healing. For me, it took a lot of introspection and working through my own family trauma before disecting our marriage. Brutal honesty with myself and learning ro value myself and stop rhat programmed, automatic trauma bond response. Turns out that it wasnt my shame or guilt to begin with. It was all an illusion/delusion to begin with. Y'all hang in there! It really does get better!
Blown away - but what your saying but is exactly how i was treated. Just cant believe I got tricked into thinking he cared for me or the reality that there are people like this and i believe way more than what the current stats display.
Me too. Several girlfriends, a sister, a father and an ex. It was all fascinating because all were horrible in different ways. If you’re on to them I have figured out that if you want them to do something just tell them how wonderful they will look
Now everything makes so much sense!! I felt like a plant that it was slowly dying on the pot because he only water me every once in a while or not at all. Thank you Ben for giving me so much clarity. I left him 2 years ago because of his multiple affairs, secrets and lies but I didn't start to understand the reality of our relationship until recently when a book about narcissism ended up in my hands.
I totally get it. I was with my narcissist for 18 years before I even heard of the term narcissist. But once I started educating myself and everything started coming together, it only took a couple years afterwards to leave. Originally I just thought of it as a typical DV relationship and thought he was just an abusive person. Oh but if I had known 😢
Well I’ve felt the pain of what he did to me. Every single emotion. He broke me. I was lost. If only I could have compartmentalised. I couldn’t do it. I’ve had to self reflect and introspect, heal and grow. 13 months on and I’m in a better place now. But still healing. Can’t be dealing with that toxic garbage. I discarded that garbage and you don’t go back in the trash when you’ve thrown it out.
Appreciate you sharing your story. It must have been really tough. I'd love to invite you to our free masterclass where you can learn how to break free from toxic relationships. Just head over to www.rawmotivations.com/masterclass.
Please be vigilant and keep him blocked - I went off all social media for 3 years all messaging apps - I was utterly broken by our 3 years relationshit. For the past 4 months I have come back to life I am me again - I sat with my pain and I will never let another person treat me like that again. However I went back in WhatsApp and reinstalled it new and his number was no longer blocked - I’d forgotten about him - I got a hoover message on WhatsApp last night after 3 years! Please keep blocked and don’t ever unblock by mistake
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Great video 👍 What you're saying is very accurate I was married 32 years He walked out like we did not exist Not even saying goodbye to his sons or me and his animals. He erased us from the planet 😞
@@unomeecjI am so sorry This is a terrible situation for anyone going through this My husband also turn my Sons against me but since we been separated they are seeing him for the monster that he is. No one deserves to go through this.❤️🩹
Yes that’s how he made me feel worthless. I’ve left him twice because of his lacking, him putting me in positions that felt worthless. 2023 I finally removed broke myself from him but let me tell you it’s been HELL.. and going through this withdrawal because that’s what it feels like (I’m a ex smoker) so I know what a withdraw feels like; if I would have known then what I know now I would have listened to my intuition at age 25 (the beginning of our relationship) and RAN! I’m PO because I spent 27 total (21 yrs married) “years” giving him my Youth, time and energy for me to file for Divorce and he now trying to get his Ex Ex wife back and I still at times cry over him. So Regret?? Your Right Ben they Don’t Regret loosing you as a person they only Regret Controlling you.
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You simply can't make them regret anything. They have no conscience. If they had it in the first place, they wouldn't be demonic . In my view, only karma can teach them a lesson.
Worthless vs worth Less. Thank you!!! And saying straight up Nooo they do not care. Thank you for explanations. Keep up ur hard work on ur selfwork too. Hard work facing ourselves. Facing/owning up to how we got in such positions. Strength to all in ur self healing journeys.
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There’s times I find myself thinking he should go through something for doing me so wrong. The years I was with him was so hard and confusing I feel I am now officially crazy. I have no real confidence or know who I am anymore. What I thought and considered to adjust myself for was all lies and unreal. I wish he’d somehow pay for what he put me through. He should feel what he’s done. I’m exhausted of him lingering in my thoughts that become a waist of my energy and intelligence. I constantly see myself as a loser, and I don’t know how to let myself meet someone new. I don’t know what’s safe or ok anymore. It’s all wrong everything is all confusing.
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Thank you for your EXCELLENT job of revealing, from a narc’s perspective, their thought process motivations and view point of value, discard, shame, embarrassment and compartmentalization. Narc viewpoints are polar opposite of the targets, as you so accurately point out. I so appreciate your transparency and truthfulness here because it literally proves, through the narcs own actions, there is NOTHING to or left of the “relationship,” if you want it even call it that. Walk away and never look back.100% accurate Saved to replay.
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As I’m planning my married 17 year escape from this now, I sadly hope he figures out how to be self aware too before then but the painful reality and 17 years of asking for that, I know it isn’t gonna happen. Am I wrong to feel narcissists are a plague on humanity? They are wonderful and then they are the worst person you will hopefully ever HAVE known. It’s a second marriage and the first one was also a narcissist. I’m not dumb I don’t think but I’m forever hopeful and empathetic and feel everyone has potential. I’m worried at 55 I’m gonna be a man hater like my mom and be old struggling and bitter! I’ve worked my whole life to not become my mom and feels like some messed up prophecy. AND TRUST ME MY NARC HUSBAND FIGURED THAT OUT AND USES IT TOO! God grant me peace and strength. Any of you guys dealing with the sociopaths out there I’m praying for you too. ✌🏻🙏🏼❤️
Lay it all at Jesus's feet, earnest prayer works. Im 56 and last yr my narc. Decided to have a collapse, after 2 years of me doing the healing journey. I wouldn't let him off the hook for his actions. It will be over a year, but I do have a trial date for my divorce now. God bless and keep you safe.
If you’re focused on wanting someone else to feel regret, you’re still stuck on them and they still have power over you. The most powerful thing you can do is to stop caring and forget them entirely. Getting stuck in wanting to make sure the one who hurt you feels hurt is not moving on or being bigger. Don’t worry. they’re already hurt, deeply, and they will make their own misery.
Most definitely dealt with feelings of worthless. My daughter actually recognized my husband’s narcissistic personality years before I did. I would just make excuses for his actions.
My ex wife is high up in the medical field. she is very controlling and it only gotten worse the linger she was in her career. This describes her verbatim, the more she wasn’t able to control me the angrier and aggressive she has become. It’s now at that level where she is the abuser and victim within the same day. By some twisted logic she blames me for everything. Just like she blamed me for her having an affair, which caused me to file for divorce. It’s adorable, she is 5’ 2” female so it’s easy to brush off, even though she threatened me that i’d get hurt… I laughed in her face! That upset her
Mine did it without words, just by being bored with what I had to say would stop listening. He told me men don't want to hear what women have to say this was about something that happened to a friend's of his wife . I talk anyway, its my right , I'm a friendly person. Didn't want to help me when I got sick with a life threatening illness needed a ride to the hospital , he didn't want to drive me there or for me to take an ambulance , then he'd have to come get me. I had to drive myself a couple times. Even though he had a ton of sick time 5 months worth. Was saving it to take care of his mother if she needed it. Until I let him have it for such a callous attitude. He has since retired . My family couldn't take me to the hospital, they had to work and didn't get sick time both of them, my grown children. Talk about worthless, he is.
When I talked he'd just talk over me, ignore me, say he didn't want to hear all that bs no matter what it was about, he'd crank up the music right in the middle of my sentence and other things but it was so painful feeling so unwanted unheard and not being concerned about 😢
I think the hardest thing with dealing with a narcissist is when you are taking them to court…I have found that gaining concrete evidence on them needs to be a lot. Videos are the main hard evidence. Records too. It is really hard. They will do anything to get back on top.
It is a massive amount of work. My nex took all paper records. I had to rebuild documents. I kept finding more things he did behind my back. Every step of the way.. Heartbreaking.
There is definitely some helpful information here. I would say though that the subject is complicated. Not all narcissists are at the same level. The host here can only see through his own lens at his level...though a very valuable insight. Some people are mildly narcissistic while others are full out NPD. It seems that we all have some degrees of narcissistic behaviours...it seems...but, that would not mean all are incapable of love or compassion entirely....or completely think of other people as supply. That being said, toxic behavior is toxic behavior. Best to take care and move along. Nobody can heal another person. We are all responsible for ourselves. So, if someone is toxic, time to leave. If your leaving causes them to face themselves, great...but do NOT get back into a relationship with someone if they have not consistently demonstrated they are reflecting on themselves and taking responsibility. There would have to be real change over a period of time. I finally hit my leaving point with my person after over two years. It was a hot mess. He got scared and apologized for how he reacted, told me I meant the world to him and that he was not in a good place. He said I hope you understand, not agree, but understand. He didn't want to accept the breakup. I still give him....some time...but I am not consistently seeing enough change. He seems like he is trying very hard. But, he has so far to go before I would EVER give in. It is sad. I really wanted him to be the guy. I really liked him otherwise. But, no. My sister saw his last text because it came in when we were visiting. I told her he gave me an apology like I had never heard from him before. She said, well, all I know is that there was a tone in the way he spoke that is a huge red flag. He might be on his best behavior for a while, but based on the way he spoke to you there, I would expect him to revert. Over the two years, I have in fact seen him change some things permanently. He no longer gives the silent treatment and picks up the phone when I call, even if upset. I think that is a big deal for him. But, I don't know that he can change enough to have a HEALTHY relationship with him. I am open minded...but we are not like before and I told him the old relationship for me is dead. I will never go back to that. I need to see things change permanently. Good luck all and hold your boundaries. You are not supply. Nobody is.
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There was a time I almost had panic attack thinking that I was or becoming a narcissist. It was that thought itself that reeled me back because a narcissist wouldn't think that much less view it as a problem. That thought took me right out of it, now narcissism is another point of fascination to analyze. Yes my narc's can still get to me but I just almost mentally slap myself saying "stop being stupid, stupid." Only real thing that bothers me is they can't seethe quietly. They never fume, it's always explosions or tremors. I can't deny there's some real gems in there. A kettle with water in it... that was new. It's not about us. We were just the person enduring it, could have been anyone and it WILL be someone else. I think no matter how much we try to ground this thing, the words never reach a level that satisfies our emotions. Even trying to convey it as "supply" doesn't help, supply of what? Narcs like things not people. What is the "thing" we are to them then is the question. IMO knowing the answer to that will help people detach from them. The answer is whatever your relationship with them is, and it could be multiple. From there we enter their world and begin to understand what they expected. So if you're a Son, they have an infatuation with the idea of that relationship, not the other person who completed it. What does being a Son also carry with? You're a man, so there's those ideal expectations. If the narc is your mom or sister then you're also just as responsible in with whatever man problems they have because you share a trait with the other person. Pets aren't safe either, for some narcs it's the only thing that's weaker than them. Still though, they have an ideal sunshine and roses vision of how having a pet should be. If it doesn't come perfectly trained and responds to commands it's not going to work. Cleaning, feeding, walking should just happen, someone ELSE should just be doing it. There's almost an S&M vibe to it if I'm being honest. They don't feel bad for abusing the person, they feel about about abusing the relationship. They feel like they should be punished or don't deserve the relationship. That's why they don't want us to actually leave because we'll take the relationship with us. Even if it's the most strained relationship, if it's not broken or broken on their terms then they cling to it. In their minds in some way it works for them. Broken on their terms sounds like, "my kids don't talk to me or hate me." Broken on your terms sounds like, "I don't have kids." That's all people represent to them or have a value for, to complete the relationship. That's why it seems things can never be right for them. Unbeknownst to us we actually have multiple roles and duties. How could we have known? Depending on the situation, multiple roles aren't reacting properly to their emotions.Their downfall is the other person gets a say, in everything. My take is just to hopefully help people understand some of the Why of it. Pull some of the mystery down from the stratosphere. To me narcissists aren't complex is nature but complex in their making. It's a better understanding than they're evil POS. There's a framework I can work with and form some expectations around. Even if it's a wild reaction I'm not totally unready for it. It's learned behavior and traits that became ingrained behavior and traits. They're victims who became victims of themselves, is it all on them, no. They have an advantage in looking like people we used to like. We love them but we don't like them.
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It's weird. He actually said that he files it and throws away the key, so he doesn't have to think about it anymore. He said this when I was mentioning a trauma from my childhood. He said, "You need to lock it away so it doesn't keep coming up." I can't do that. I need to make sense of what happened to me. It's very enlightening that you would mention compartmentalizing.
I regret all the love, extreme patience, and effort that I showed to her (the narcissist) - but I am better off without someone who will try to destroy and demean me, just so that she can feel more powerful.
They are empathy impaired. Supply is the empathy they were never modelled as an infant. Doesn’t excuse them, but it gives a way forward for understanding and moving on when that is the best course.
Thank you for this video. I'm on day 7 of separating myself from my ex he is a narcissistic he's psychopathic with features of malingering end pathological liar lying about everything and not realizing he's embellishing his lies too much so I catch him and the more I caught in the closer he got to breaking up with me. Actually he was the one who left the relationship and I was devastated as to why he did it because it was totally blaming and no responsibility for any of it, having no accountability whatsoever! I used to text him everyday and berate him actually going down the list of everything he did over the last two years... showing him that I didn't forget anything but he never responded to any of it and seriously I saw that he opened these messages about once a day and didn't respond ...he actually couldn't have cared less about what I was saying! I wouldn't be surprised if everything was either saved for future use... because he did that all the time or else he instantly deleted them... because he literally didn't care what I had to say after 2 years I was angry grieving and going in circles about my feelings because they were never validated when he broke off with me he wasn't even in front of me so I never got to say anything he just cut me off... There is no worse feeling than being cut off and not being able to respond!! I literally did not want to see him and we live in the same apartment building just a few floors away from each other it's very difficult and I often wonder what would happen if we wound up on the same elevator! I pray all the time that this just won't happen but I do try not to leave my apartment at night... But only when staff is available in the building because I don't feel safe anymore with him knowing the things that he's done to other partners! Anyway thank you so much for this post! I definitely needed to hear it and get recharged... starting a new week will be a bit easier! I'm feeling better all the time! I'll get through this! Hey. . we will all be okay!🙏
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I always told My Husband you make me feel worthless I’m so alone even when I’m talking to you I still feel like I’m talking to myself 27 years I’m in such a shock what he’s been doing to me and I seen his true colors I always did I was just so busy but man what a monster he is!!!!
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I did a feeling words journal exercise. I ended up really confused when the word 'unacceptable' came up. Never a thought I had ever had. I guess that's the point of these types of exercises, getting down to the deeper pieces/wounds. I'm still perplexed with that word really and it was months ago.
Worth less than him "working on marriage" but definitely worth manipulating and promising to keep me in place to cook, clean, be in the home while he's away, take care of pets that he has also manipulated so that I'm the bad guy as he allows them to do whatever. He actually said "of course I want you to stay to work on the relationship, and to help me." One of the honest statements probably.
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Once I started focusing on keeping myself sane and happy, by avoiding him and taking on healthy hobbies, the abuse became even worse. He started watching red pill content and calling me all sorts of demeaning names, and starting arguments about how I'm a "low value woman" and that men are "better at everything" and "women need to submit to men". He started threatening to break my stuff and even tried throwing away sentimental items of mine away. He started asking me sadistic questions like when do I think my cats are going to die, and which one do I think is going to die first. Completely sadistic stuff. And he's convinced everyone, even my own family to some degree I think, that I AM the problem. I started recording the escalating tantrums and abuse in case he wants to start spreading lies to my job, or if the people he manipulated start harassing me.
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Compartmentalization is something done in trauma so perhaps it’s similar to a brain in trauma only the trauma is due to their own actions… so the limbic system is so active in alcoholism and narcs tend to use or be addicts. That part of the brain is so emotional so maybe they have to drink enough to numb themselves and it’s a vicious cycle. Perhaps the narc drinks to numb the shame as well
Can you make a video detailing the ways a Narcissist will outwardly, vs internally change, in detail? The guy who abused me went back to his ex, and now they have an Instagram perfect couples page.. And are engaged. Its been over a year now and they both still seem so happy.. Whats up??
I think he talked about feeling relief that he could now go out and do what he wants to do (have affair with the side supply) but I think he regrets what his wife did for him....before he changed, geared, grew and developed.
My god, narcissists are cowards. Too afraid to face the feelings that we all have every day
Spot on and well said!!!
But very willing to dump them on us!
The BIG value in a breakup with a narcissist IS losing that worthless individual. Losing the narcissist is the BEST thing you can obtain from that person.
Let that sink in.
LOOSING a LOSER!!!
100% 👍🏻❤️
True that! Their absence is your peace, which is priceless
They only hurt if something happens to their money or whatever they have going on in their life. They don’t care for anyone but themselves.
It’s a trauma response from severe trauma.
@@harrisonwallace3498 yes, I understand that and have educated myself on all of this but there is right and wrong. They knew exactly what they were doing. Behavior tells all.
NPD is a mental illness isn’t that if your mentally ill you don’t know what your doing?.
I’m trama bonded in a narcissistic marriage and I know they do sometimes regret and occasionally try, to not loose their appliance. But they don’t love themselves either. They are a monster catch 22. They are evil out of fear and everyone is as worthless as they feel about themself that they rarely if ever tell Anyone!
@@susanturner9023 but you shouldn’t sit and take it. No excuses for their behaviors. They know right from wrong and continue to disrespect you.
I dont think they regret hurting you
They enjoy it and get supply from it.
Thank you Again, Ben. You do a wonderful job.
Nope. Sometimes it makes them feel better to make you feel bad
44 years and 3 kids and I meant nothing. When I left he was posing on the front lawn like “here I am “. He forgot to look in the mirror; with his huge belly and receding hairline.
He didn't give a shit about me or how I felt. He just kept doing the same shit over and over with no regard for my feelings. I still cry because I can't understand why he did it. The mind games and manipulation. He was so convincing. I start to try to move on, and then he pops back up triggering me all over again. He told me he was going out of town with his family this week. In reality, he's with his gf 😢😢
They don’t regret losing you. They just get mad at you because now they have to put forth effort to dig up old supply or hunt for fresh supply, but most likely go back to some old supply.
Yes, they tend to circle back to their ex's. You will notice that they stay friends with their ex's just in case they need them later.
Bingo
Yup, mine went back to his gf before me. He gaslit her SO badly.
That's exactly what my ex did, I felt sorry for her.
I've moved on and now laugh at her behaviour because she thought he was a good catch.😂
@Nina-w7m8q Not In my experience dating two ex female Covert Narcs they never went bsck to exs , blocked them, ghosted thrm and also they never flaunted new supply on facebook etc thry literally would go off the grid for months and months...
They are runners, they are always running from their shame, always.
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Yes
Literally, came out of his apartment upset because I went to meet him so we could go to a show-
Came out yelling calling me psycho bitch , I’m crying, and then he LEGIT sprinted off.. RAN AWAY…
If you care about how a narcissist feels, you are losing your time. Best thing is to go no contact, forget they even exist, because anyway they are not worthy of your time or efforts.
❤❤❤❤
So true they never change
They won't regret it. They have no empathy. They just blame shift and move on to new target.
They tell u snd give u clues uf younlusten dome of then have small anmounts of empathy.
They discarded you long ago and found someone or something better to do.They are heartless people.Dont think they ll ever be sad over losing you because for them it's all your fault
I don't think they have the capability to give a shit. No more for me. I'm done.
Im planning to leave this f narcissist thing had enough of being abused
Me, too. I would have left LONG AGO, IF IT WASN'T IMPOSSIBLE!
Sorry for you 😢in same I can realize I am not the only one living this difficult time … trying to get separated of a narcissist after 30 years !
@@Zaz170 my sincere sympathy - they are insidious human beings and it's taken a year to come to terms with it all. Sending you healing thoughts and prayers x
They box, and they also reframe reality so it suits their 'reality'
100%
@@BeTheLight624 200%
The delusion keeps them believing that they're winning.
Yup! I sent a text to my ex saying that exact thing. I said “You just edit and rewrite the story to fit your narrative” that enraged him, and of course I got the most vicious response back. Blame shifting, projecting etc etc etc. zero accountability.
YES!! Rewrite the whole narrative to be in their favor or just to look as innocent as possible. Mine accused me of things I couldn't even physically do just so it wasn't his fault.
I got a hoover text after 3 years last night. Something I read on your channel helped me
“Time is not an apology”
Thank you
Regret comes only when all hell breaks loose in their lives.
I think Narc's hate being alone, so they also just use someone to just be there. Again, only caring about themselves!🙁☹️
The ata what it really feels like . They talk to ANYONE… literally. Like just to have an “audience”. Just to all about themselves and what they go through. It’s disgusting. Sad and pathetic.
I really wonder what their childhood was like. Must have been bad.
Being alone equals confronting their lack of self, emptiness, emotions and the reality of their childhood neglect. They'd rather live in fantasy/delusion.
All of them are codependent
Being self aware that i had a very toxic mindset, i can say, they do not care about hurting you, its all about them and getting their needs met. No matter what you say or do, it does not matter, once their focus is redirected towards someone else, youre no longer a concern of theirs.
These folks are in pain and hurting and they do want help but deep down it’s too painful for them too admit it.
For me , that is the toughest part of the entire thing. It’s the hardest part to get over. Knowing you mean absolutely ZERO to the person you genuinely loved and cared about. It’s the worst part of it all.
I Never Felt Worthless, but They Wanted Me To!
There is nothing you can do to get them to honestly & truly regret hurting you or losing you. They will just go find a new supply to put up with their abuse.
New supply born everyday for them. Right!! Some unsuspecting person will always come along like we did.
I left my narc husband after 30 years. I was his only stable, primary source for so long. Yes he was a serial cheater so he had loads of secondary supply sources. What you are saying is he's only missing me like he'd miss a fridge or car that broke down? He'll only miss the control be had over me? Ooooof that's a painful pill to swallow.
Good on you for finding freedom - especially after so many years! That's courage and growth - both values the narc does not possess. We are objects to be used to fulfil their needs and we are expected to behave and obey. I bet he isn't taking any responsibility for why the relationship ended.
I am getting separated from a narcissist husband after 30 years 😢 thanks for your advices
It wont happen i WONT put myself in that toxic crap ever again
Ditto
He definitely made me feel like I was Worthless to him.💔
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So true. They use and abuse you then throw you away
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Consistently shows he couldnt care less
Literally
Love the explanation btwn feeling ‘worthless’ vs ‘worth less.’ Few yrs ago, I let my narc husband cause me to feel ‘worthless’ by questioning the devaluing comments he made to me. Then I realized, God gave me a purpose to be more than just a wife. I’m a valued mama, nana, sister, friend, etc. This video helped me understand that my narc actually thinks I’m ‘worth LESS’ than him. Not worthless. Big difference I’m glad to understand. No wonder we argue over simple words. Because HIS idea of my value/worth to him, and MY idea of the value I want to be to him, are not the same.
Nailed it!🔥
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Wow! Your comment really fits for me. Just getting over a break up. I was married for 27 years now bakn in the datung scene 2 years. Meeting a lot of narcs. Six month relationship just ended. We argued over small words. He would argue forever if I repeated something he said but not using his exact words. He would see that as justification to belittle me and yell and shout
Yes they are, they are cowards, they run away from every day issues, if they can’t deal with it they bury their heads in the sand.. I think that’s one of the main reasons why they discard their partner/spouse.
They go crazy when they no longer have access to your money. Calling me a nobody but cry when I go no contact.
Definitely felt worthless, and de valued.
Mine called me a "worthless piece of 💩" repeatedly every night as he clocked back seagram and sevens untill he passed out. Fun times! He died 7 years ago. We were together for 17 years. His misery nearly killed me.
Im still here. Life is better. Its been slow, but i am happy again.
There is healing. For me, it took a lot of introspection and working through my own family trauma before disecting our marriage. Brutal honesty with myself and learning ro value myself and stop rhat programmed, automatic trauma bond response.
Turns out that it wasnt my shame or guilt to begin with. It was all an illusion/delusion to begin with.
Y'all hang in there! It really does get better!
Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope 💗
That is so sad how you were abused! I hope 🤞🏼 you will heal and have a great life now❤!
Blown away - but what your saying but is exactly how i was treated. Just cant believe I got tricked into thinking he cared for me or the reality that there are people like this and i believe way more than what the current stats display.
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I had two narcissists in my life.. One was my sister and the other one was a friend. I have no contact with either of them anymore.
Me too. Several girlfriends, a sister, a father and an ex. It was all fascinating because all were horrible in different ways. If you’re on to them I have figured out that if you want them to do something just tell them how wonderful they will look
Now everything makes so much sense!! I felt like a plant that it was slowly dying on the pot because he only water me every once in a while or not at all. Thank you Ben for giving me so much clarity. I left him 2 years ago because of his multiple affairs, secrets and lies but I didn't start to understand the reality of our relationship until recently when a book about narcissism ended up in my hands.
Lol, I felt like a dusty vase on the shelf. I let my feelings for him go. I figured, oh, well!
I totally get it. I was with my narcissist for 18 years before I even heard of the term narcissist. But once I started educating myself and everything started coming together, it only took a couple years afterwards to leave. Originally I just thought of it as a typical DV relationship and thought he was just an abusive person. Oh but if I had known 😢
Which book please share the title?
Well I’ve felt the pain of what he did to me. Every single emotion. He broke me. I was lost. If only I could have compartmentalised. I couldn’t do it. I’ve had to self reflect and introspect, heal and grow. 13 months on and I’m in a better place now. But still healing. Can’t be dealing with that toxic garbage. I discarded that garbage and you don’t go back in the trash when you’ve thrown it out.
Appreciate you sharing your story. It must have been really tough. I'd love to invite you to our free masterclass where you can learn how to break free from toxic relationships. Just head over to www.rawmotivations.com/masterclass.
Please be vigilant and keep him blocked - I went off all social media for 3 years all messaging apps - I was utterly broken by our 3 years relationshit. For the past 4 months I have come back to life I am me again - I sat with my pain and I will never let another person treat me like that again. However I went back in WhatsApp and reinstalled it new and his number was no longer blocked - I’d forgotten about him - I got a hoover message on WhatsApp last night after 3 years! Please keep blocked and don’t ever unblock by mistake
We are commodities replaceable and interchangeable. They don't care.
My Worth is so high that for the last year my xnarc has been trying to prove im worthless!!
Take it as a compliment🎉
You don’t want that. Just keep them away from you.
I can't believe someone can make you feel soo worthless...they 1st needed you but then they treat you like crap.
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Then, you can begin the long process of rebuilding your self esteem. Start Now.
Pointless to Hurt them for losing you. At a workplace, exposing them is key, in my experience. Its the only thing that can provoque a collapse.
We are ONE of MANY suppliers
I was told I was worthless many a times. I started to catch on to the piece of projection.
I appreciate your rawness; it hurts, but I finally have a better understanding of how to deal with my Narc.
Great video 👍 What you're saying is very accurate I was married 32 years He walked out like we did not exist Not even saying goodbye to his sons or me and his animals. He erased us from the planet 😞
😢 I'm in, it still 32 years now. But he's turned my kids into his flying monkeys. Now they all abuse me
@@unomeecjI am so sorry This is a terrible situation for anyone going through this My husband also turn my Sons against me but since we been separated they are seeing him for the monster that he is. No one deserves to go through this.❤️🩹
No, he erased himself not you and your children and pets.
@@sheilayagodzinski5747 Thank you You're so right 👍
Me too it's like a death
You dont build any credits with a narc
Yes that’s how he made me feel worthless. I’ve left him twice because of his lacking, him putting me in positions that felt worthless. 2023 I finally removed broke myself from him but let me tell you it’s been HELL.. and going through this withdrawal because that’s what it feels like (I’m a ex smoker) so I know what a withdraw feels like; if I would have known then what I know now I would have listened to my intuition at age 25 (the beginning of our relationship) and RAN! I’m PO because I spent 27 total (21 yrs married) “years” giving him my Youth, time and energy for me to file for Divorce and he now trying to get his Ex Ex wife back and I still at times cry over him. So Regret?? Your Right Ben they Don’t Regret loosing you as a person they only Regret Controlling you.
Regain the Selfhood that you had Before you Encountered Narcs The First Time. Become YOU, again. Nothing could be more important!
They just regret that it might reflect on their standing...
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You simply can't make them regret anything. They have no conscience. If they had it in the first place, they wouldn't be demonic . In my view, only karma can teach them a lesson.
Worthless vs worth Less. Thank you!!! And saying straight up Nooo they do not care. Thank you for explanations. Keep up ur hard work on ur selfwork too. Hard work facing ourselves. Facing/owning up to how we got in such positions. Strength to all in ur self healing journeys.
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I stated to her many times "I feel worthless". She would dismiss it in a passive aggressive manner
Not even worth worrying about someone who ain't worrying about you and couldn't show that they care properly even if they did. Keep it moving!
There’s times I find myself thinking he should go through something for doing me so wrong. The years I was with him was so hard and confusing I feel I am now officially crazy. I have no real confidence or know who I am anymore. What I thought and considered to adjust myself for was all lies and unreal.
I wish he’d somehow pay for what he put me through. He should feel what he’s done. I’m exhausted of him lingering in my thoughts that become a waist of my energy and intelligence. I constantly see myself as a loser, and I don’t know how to let myself meet someone new.
I don’t know what’s safe or ok anymore. It’s all wrong everything is all confusing.
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Thank you for your EXCELLENT job of revealing, from a narc’s perspective, their thought process motivations and view point of value, discard, shame, embarrassment and compartmentalization. Narc viewpoints are polar opposite of the targets, as you so accurately point out. I so appreciate your transparency and truthfulness here because it literally proves, through the narcs own actions, there is NOTHING to or left of the “relationship,” if you want it even call it that. Walk away and never look back.100% accurate
Saved to replay.
It's a "relationSHIT".
I don’t think he regrets or even realizes what he did! All I can do is learn from it and move on!
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As I’m planning my married 17 year escape from this now, I sadly hope he figures out how to be self aware too before then but the painful reality and 17 years of asking for that, I know it isn’t gonna happen. Am I wrong to feel narcissists are a plague on humanity? They are wonderful and then they are the worst person you will hopefully ever HAVE known. It’s a second marriage and the first one was also a narcissist. I’m not dumb I don’t think but I’m forever hopeful and empathetic and feel everyone has potential. I’m worried at 55 I’m gonna be a man hater like my mom and be old struggling and bitter! I’ve worked my whole life to not become my mom and feels like some messed up prophecy. AND TRUST ME MY NARC HUSBAND FIGURED THAT OUT AND USES IT TOO! God grant me peace and strength. Any of you guys dealing with the sociopaths out there I’m praying for you too. ✌🏻🙏🏼❤️
Lay it all at Jesus's feet, earnest prayer works. Im 56 and last yr my narc. Decided to have a collapse, after 2 years of me doing the healing journey. I wouldn't let him off the hook for his actions. It will be over a year, but I do have a trial date for my divorce now. God bless and keep you safe.
Thank you ❤
It took two years of a long process at my escape plan
It took me 2 years as well ❤
If you’re focused on wanting someone else to feel regret, you’re still stuck on them and they still have power over you.
The most powerful thing you can do is to stop caring and forget them entirely.
Getting stuck in wanting to make sure the one who hurt you feels hurt is not moving on or being bigger. Don’t worry. they’re already hurt, deeply, and they will make their own misery.
Yes!
That's way easier said than done. Especially when they've done it for several years.
Not Anymore.
Most definitely dealt with feelings of worthless. My daughter actually recognized my husband’s narcissistic personality years before I did. I would just make excuses for his actions.
My ex wife is high up in the medical field. she is very controlling and it only gotten worse the linger she was in her career.
This describes her verbatim, the more she wasn’t able to control me the angrier and aggressive she has become. It’s now at that level where she is the abuser and victim within the same day.
By some twisted logic she blames me for everything. Just like she blamed me for her having an affair, which caused me to file for divorce.
It’s adorable, she is 5’ 2” female so it’s easy to brush off, even though she threatened me that i’d get hurt… I laughed in her face!
That upset her
I felt disgusted not worthless
Mine did it without words, just by being bored with what I had to say would stop listening. He told me men don't want to hear what women have to say this was about something that happened to a friend's of his wife . I talk anyway, its my right , I'm a friendly person. Didn't want to help me when I got sick with a life threatening illness needed a ride to the hospital , he didn't want to drive me there or for me to take an ambulance , then he'd have to come get me. I had to drive myself a couple times. Even though he had a ton of sick time 5 months worth. Was saving it to take care of his mother if she needed it. Until I let him have it for such a callous attitude. He has since retired . My family couldn't take me to the hospital, they had to work and didn't get sick time both of them, my grown children. Talk about worthless, he is.
When I talked he'd just talk over me, ignore me, say he didn't want to hear all that bs no matter what it was about, he'd crank up the music right in the middle of my sentence and other things but it was so painful feeling so unwanted unheard and not being concerned about 😢
I think the hardest thing with dealing with a narcissist is when you are taking them to court…I have found that gaining concrete evidence on them needs to be a lot. Videos are the main hard evidence. Records too. It is really hard. They will do anything to get back on top.
It is a massive amount of work. My nex took all paper records. I had to rebuild documents. I kept finding more things he did behind my back. Every step of the way.. Heartbreaking.
@@lynncasey4372 wow 💔
Thanks for your videos.
From JANESVILLE, WI
There is definitely some helpful information here. I would say though that the subject is complicated. Not all narcissists are at the same level. The host here can only see through his own lens at his level...though a very valuable insight. Some people are mildly narcissistic while others are full out NPD. It seems that we all have some degrees of narcissistic behaviours...it seems...but, that would not mean all are incapable of love or compassion entirely....or completely think of other people as supply.
That being said, toxic behavior is toxic behavior. Best to take care and move along. Nobody can heal another person. We are all responsible for ourselves. So, if someone is toxic, time to leave. If your leaving causes them to face themselves, great...but do NOT get back into a relationship with someone if they have not consistently demonstrated they are reflecting on themselves and taking responsibility. There would have to be real change over a period of time.
I finally hit my leaving point with my person after over two years. It was a hot mess. He got scared and apologized for how he reacted, told me I meant the world to him and that he was not in a good place. He said I hope you understand, not agree, but understand. He didn't want to accept the breakup. I still give him....some time...but I am not consistently seeing enough change. He seems like he is trying very hard. But, he has so far to go before I would EVER give in. It is sad. I really wanted him to be the guy. I really liked him otherwise. But, no.
My sister saw his last text because it came in when we were visiting. I told her he gave me an apology like I had never heard from him before. She said, well, all I know is that there was a tone in the way he spoke that is a huge red flag. He might be on his best behavior for a while, but based on the way he spoke to you there, I would expect him to revert. Over the two years, I have in fact seen him change some things permanently. He no longer gives the silent treatment and picks up the phone when I call, even if upset. I think that is a big deal for him. But, I don't know that he can change enough to have a HEALTHY relationship with him. I am open minded...but we are not like before and I told him the old relationship for me is dead. I will never go back to that. I need to see things change permanently.
Good luck all and hold your boundaries. You are not supply. Nobody is.
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There was a time I almost had panic attack thinking that I was or becoming a narcissist. It was that thought itself that reeled me back because a narcissist wouldn't think that much less view it as a problem. That thought took me right out of it, now narcissism is another point of fascination to analyze. Yes my narc's can still get to me but I just almost mentally slap myself saying "stop being stupid, stupid." Only real thing that bothers me is they can't seethe quietly. They never fume, it's always explosions or tremors. I can't deny there's some real gems in there. A kettle with water in it... that was new.
It's not about us. We were just the person enduring it, could have been anyone and it WILL be someone else. I think no matter how much we try to ground this thing, the words never reach a level that satisfies our emotions. Even trying to convey it as "supply" doesn't help, supply of what? Narcs like things not people. What is the "thing" we are to them then is the question. IMO knowing the answer to that will help people detach from them. The answer is whatever your relationship with them is, and it could be multiple. From there we enter their world and begin to understand what they expected. So if you're a Son, they have an infatuation with the idea of that relationship, not the other person who completed it. What does being a Son also carry with? You're a man, so there's those ideal expectations. If the narc is your mom or sister then you're also just as responsible in with whatever man problems they have because you share a trait with the other person. Pets aren't safe either, for some narcs it's the only thing that's weaker than them. Still though, they have an ideal sunshine and roses vision of how having a pet should be. If it doesn't come perfectly trained and responds to commands it's not going to work. Cleaning, feeding, walking should just happen, someone ELSE should just be doing it.
There's almost an S&M vibe to it if I'm being honest. They don't feel bad for abusing the person, they feel about about abusing the relationship. They feel like they should be punished or don't deserve the relationship. That's why they don't want us to actually leave because we'll take the relationship with us. Even if it's the most strained relationship, if it's not broken or broken on their terms then they cling to it. In their minds in some way it works for them. Broken on their terms sounds like, "my kids don't talk to me or hate me." Broken on your terms sounds like, "I don't have kids." That's all people represent to them or have a value for, to complete the relationship. That's why it seems things can never be right for them. Unbeknownst to us we actually have multiple roles and duties. How could we have known? Depending on the situation, multiple roles aren't reacting properly to their emotions.Their downfall is the other person gets a say, in everything.
My take is just to hopefully help people understand some of the Why of it. Pull some of the mystery down from the stratosphere. To me narcissists aren't complex is nature but complex in their making. It's a better understanding than they're evil POS. There's a framework I can work with and form some expectations around. Even if it's a wild reaction I'm not totally unready for it. It's learned behavior and traits that became ingrained behavior and traits. They're victims who became victims of themselves, is it all on them, no. They have an advantage in looking like people we used to like. We love them but we don't like them.
These people see women as a check mark on their Things to do list.
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He would cheat and lie and then say it was worth it too. He didnt regret it at all.
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Worth-less.........because he was projecting his own worthlessness onto me.....once I saw that I was out
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Yes he boxes up loses snd never wants them mentioned
This is like a slap on my face .
Everything you've said are true to what i am experiencing right now.
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I get it they do not care 😊
It will eat them alive if they see you or hear how much more you're thriving and happy after them.
❤you have gotten better every dsy at teaching and exñlaining. Glmod bless!!
It's weird. He actually said that he files it and throws away the key, so he doesn't have to think about it anymore. He said this when I was mentioning a trauma from my childhood. He said, "You need to lock it away so it doesn't keep coming up." I can't do that. I need to make sense of what happened to me. It's very enlightening that you would mention compartmentalizing.
I am a male, me and my children are suffering that she unleashes on us
I feel for you and your children. I hope that you make your children feel seen and heard and loved for who they are as their mother seemingly cannot.
I regret all the love, extreme patience, and effort that I showed to her (the narcissist) - but I am better off without someone who will try to destroy and demean me, just so that she can feel more powerful.
They are empathy impaired. Supply is the empathy they were never modelled as an infant. Doesn’t excuse them, but it gives a way forward for understanding and moving on when that is the best course.
I hope if you are self aware that you do not hurt any more women
Agreed!
Thank you for this video. I'm on day 7 of separating myself from my ex he is a narcissistic he's psychopathic with features of malingering end pathological liar lying about everything and not realizing he's embellishing his lies too much so I catch him and the more I caught in the closer he got to breaking up with me. Actually he was the one who left the relationship and I was devastated as to why he did it because it was totally blaming and no responsibility for any of it, having no accountability whatsoever!
I used to text him everyday and berate him actually going down the list of everything he did over the last two years... showing him that I didn't forget anything but he never responded to any of it and seriously I saw that he opened these messages about once a day and didn't respond ...he actually couldn't have cared less about what I was saying!
I wouldn't be surprised if everything was either saved for future use... because he did that all the time or else he instantly deleted them... because he literally didn't care what I had to say after 2 years
I was angry grieving and going in circles about my feelings because they were never validated when he broke off with me he wasn't even in front of me so I never got to say anything he just cut me off... There is no worse feeling than being cut off and not being able to respond!! I literally did not want to see him and we live in the same apartment building just a few floors away from each other it's very difficult and I often wonder what would happen if we wound up on the same elevator!
I pray all the time that this just won't happen but I do try not to leave my apartment at night... But only when staff is available in the building because I don't feel safe anymore with him knowing the things that he's done to other partners! Anyway thank you so much for this post! I definitely needed to hear it and get recharged... starting a new week will be a bit easier!
I'm feeling better all the time!
I'll get through this!
Hey. . we will all be okay!🙏
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I always told My Husband you make me feel worthless I’m so alone even when I’m talking to you I still feel like I’m talking to myself 27 years I’m in such a shock what he’s been doing to me and I seen his true colors I always did I was just so busy but man what a monster he is!!!!
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I never thought i was something like a toaster for the narcissists...
And I usually burn the toasts... Maybe that's why they discard me 🤔
I did a feeling words journal exercise. I ended up really confused when the word 'unacceptable' came up. Never a thought I had ever had. I guess that's the point of these types of exercises, getting down to the deeper pieces/wounds. I'm still perplexed with that word really and it was months ago.
The narc is worthless not me
Facts💋
Not only did I start feeling worthless, he told me regularly that I'm worthless
"1. Im a narcissist, welcome to the channel...." 🤣🤣🤣 dayum benny that was good.
He only wants me to come over and clean and organize things.
Other then that, he doesn't care if I'm around or not. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks now.
@@rhondawampner688yes, we are the expendable clean up crew. I was nothing more than a slave
Don't do it anymore
@@dannmurray1199 divorced now. I work for myself now. It's awesome 😎
Worth less than him "working on marriage" but definitely worth manipulating and promising to keep me in place to cook, clean, be in the home while he's away, take care of pets that he has also manipulated so that I'm the bad guy as he allows them to do whatever. He actually said "of course I want you to stay to work on the relationship, and to help me." One of the honest statements probably.
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Once I started focusing on keeping myself sane and happy, by avoiding him and taking on healthy hobbies, the abuse became even worse. He started watching red pill content and calling me all sorts of demeaning names, and starting arguments about how I'm a "low value woman" and that men are "better at everything" and "women need to submit to men". He started threatening to break my stuff and even tried throwing away sentimental items of mine away. He started asking me sadistic questions like when do I think my cats are going to die, and which one do I think is going to die first. Completely sadistic stuff. And he's convinced everyone, even my own family to some degree I think, that I AM the problem. I started recording the escalating tantrums and abuse in case he wants to start spreading lies to my job, or if the people he manipulated start harassing me.
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After 30 years I'm DONE!!!😊
Compartmentalization is something done in trauma so perhaps it’s similar to a brain in trauma only the trauma is due to their own actions… so the limbic system is so active in alcoholism and narcs tend to use or be addicts. That part of the brain is so emotional so maybe they have to drink enough to numb themselves and it’s a vicious cycle. Perhaps the narc drinks to numb the shame as well
Put them in jail...😂
Worthless, and I told him repeatedly that I felt worthless to him
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They regret “Their” being a victim
Can you make a video detailing the ways a Narcissist will outwardly, vs internally change, in detail?
The guy who abused me went back to his ex, and now they have an Instagram perfect couples page..
And are engaged.
Its been over a year now and they both still seem so happy..
Whats up??
Here's a video i made a while back th-cam.com/video/zJ2hQ6oqbrw/w-d-xo.htmlsi=LiRfZ897oVJbzdVZ
Thanks!
Thank you for your support!
The NARCS moved on so of course I'm moving on no regrets
Our egos destroy us. Narcs don't care. Ever. They will eat you alive. Trust me.
The monster used to call me and ACT like he was dying, I’m so sick, my stomach
Acted like he was throwing up etc
LUNATIC
Great video. The boxes are shipped to the other person. This reminds me of the "horcruxes" in Harry Potter.
Thank you
Ben, didn't you regret when she left? I thought you did. And that's why you started working on yourself
I think he talked about feeling relief that he could now go out and do what he wants to do (have affair with the side supply) but I think he regrets what his wife did for him....before he changed, geared, grew and developed.
Healed*
@@KendraMorgan You're lucky
Here's my answer to that th-cam.com/video/V5sJ3geh9sk/w-d-xo.htmlsi=yvmGCjDjJe0x1Lnd