I am so glad you did a video on birthdays. In elementary and middle school, how many birthdays were we not invited to but the rest of the class was? How many birthdays did we have where no one showed up? Being undiagnosed, whose parents blamed us for isolation and loneliness if only we would "act normal." Children's birthday parties contain lots of screaming, excitement and motion - running, jumping, hiding, whatever games might entail. Then the unexpected balloon pop and noise of music which was loud enough for all party guests to hear. Being the center of attention when singing happy birthday is cringeworthy. Same for opening presents. As an adult, my birthday is hidden on Facebook. I would rather be invisible then overwhelmed.
Ah that's probably why I don't get birthdays being hard, I basically was so overwhelmed at all times during school that what other kids in school did or didn't do was something that didn't even register to me. I always just had a small party with my family where I got to pick what food we made or ordered and I got a cake and I could ask for a gift from my parents that'd be more expensive than stuff we usually buy, so for me birthdays were always just a quiet little celebration that were pretty enjoyable. I guess my brain going into shutdown mode as a defense mechanism at school did at least work for some things, I never even processed that people were around me half the time so I couldn't be upset about not being invited to parties as the sole thing on my mind was "I don't wanna be here I wanna be anywhere but here please I wanna go home"
It's not the worst part, but it's definitely kind of awkward. Especially if the conversation always ends up on topics you don't really want to talk about/discuss.
Birthdays are hard, Christmas is even harder for me. Beyond the social expectations it's the gifts. Things I don't want or need and displaying the right emotion when receiving them. It's stressful for me to find the right gifts for others. I prefer to give throughout the year when I know someone needs or wants something.
Yes, I can see why you do that. I also give my family gifts through the year, then when Christmas or birthday comes around, they are still happy to receive just a little, simple, useful gift. I have tried to think up special gifts for people in the past, but I just never get it right somehow. It's like I seem to judge their tastes on something minor that they like - like buying them an expensive Star Wars toy after they enjoyed the film. They just liked the film, but never had any intention of collecting memorabilia.
I think asking people what they want as a gift or just gifting them money should be normalized regardless of autism. I can't imagine anyone preferring a random thing they don't need to something they genuinely do. And then they don't have to fake joy for the sake of the gifter.
I avoid my birthday... the day means nothing to me, I don't want gifts, I don't want obligations and I don't want a lot of people around me as that is not a celebration to me... its a nightmare.
I love getting gifts because I love getting free things I didn't have to pay for, but the overwhelming necessity of replying to the gift "correctly" makes me just cop out and say "I hate getting gifts"
The more I learn about autism the more Im convinced I have it. My family does lists, all of us. I struggle “showing gratitude” when opening presents. My mom hates surprises, even of things she specifically asked for
For me, it's unfortunately a distraction. I would prefer just listening to the speech, but if I'm trying to ignore the text, I will focus on ignoring the text and I will also ignore the audio. But Jeremy has already explained in an earlier video why the TH-cam's own closed captions are not good for everyone, so I will just zoom the video in so that the texts go out of sight. It does make me lose some of the video frame, though. To truly have a solution that is optimal for everyone, we would need a better subtitle platform by TH-cam so that the text wouldn't have to be burnt into the video.
@@fintux Yeah, unfortunately, forced subtitles are a big distraction for me as well and having that visual distraction can actually make auditory processing worse for me. I'm also a rather slow reader, so it's also difficult for me to rely solely on the subtitles if they are going too fast for me. So either way I end up having to rewind more than I would for a video without them.
I am just learning that there was text 😂. I usually just listen to videos unless there’s something being shown but if it’s a talking head I listen whilst doing other stuff
"I was very accomodating as a child" hit me in a way I was not prepared for. Just. Ouch. Thanks for this, you've given voice to something I was having a lot of trouble articulating
As an autist and abuse victim, I have to point out that being extra accomodating and all the other symptoms and common comorbidities are suspicioisly interchangable. I hope I worded that in a way that won't get _____ed.
I'm almost 43, diagnosed last year, and I haven't celebrated my birthday in any way for the past 15 years. And I'm happy that nobody "forces" me, or even encourages me, to celebrate it (I don't have any friends so nobody cares). At this point, the only birthday I celebrate happily is my son's. PS: I recognize you, fellow Miyazaki fan! ❤
My mom grew up in the Depression (yeah, I’m old but she had me when she was 40) so her birthdays were meager affairs or nonexistent. So when she had kids, she wanted to give us the big splashy parties she never got. The problem was, I was an autistic little girl who had no idea. Mom would expect us to be insanely excited over every gift and every aspect. The pressure was too much and I would usually have a meltdown at some point. My mom would shake her head in disgust and tell me I was a spoiled brat(I was constantly a “spoiled brat”). I dreaded my birthdays and even now don’t like to celebrate them. It’s usually a depressing day to get through. Thank ppl Ik the truth about my AuDHD now, even if it’s late in life
that is awful 😞spoiled brat, ungrateful, unappreciative, selfish, the list goes on. I am also old and had depression era parents. Mine were also big splashy because money and stuff was the most important thing because they had nothing.
My childhood birthdays were spent with my mother trying to cajole our friends and neighbors kids into coming over, usually unsuccessfully. I didn't have friends and I wasn't told I should invite ppl. It's emotionally loaded for me now. I used to offer ppl things to hang out with me that day but then it felt like I was "bribing" ppl to be with me on my birthday. Now I'm just alone. That goes decently though not perfect.
I just dislike getting gifts. When it's a group gift event like Xmas, I try to open my gifts while others are opening theirs, so the focus is off me. I explain to my wife and she's told her family that I know my reaction to a gift may not be what's hoped for, so I try to set expectations. My preferred bday gifts are simply time or events that I'm interested in, not a physical object.
Thank you for this! I also turn off FB for a couple of weeks around my birthday. I get fewer greetings, but the ones I get (texts etc) feel more genuine. I appreciate my friends & family putting in the time and energy. My ideal birthday now is a quiet day of enjoyment, eg a walk in a beautiful place and a nice lunch, with 2-3 of the people I love the most. No unwrapping of gifts, no songs, no cake -- just a pleasant day that everyone can equally enjoy.
This hits hard and I agree with you. Then there is the concept "others birthdays" which also is a pain because finding a gift to someone else is just so overwhelming and and causes stress, like the brain goes into full tilt.
My birthday is during a time of year when everyone is on vacation, so I'm not especially tied to the date and as an adult I often forget it's coming up. Also I'm not a material person, so I don't even think about gifts unless I'm in a situation when I really need things. In that case, having a birthday sometimes makes it easier for me to ask people to chip in and help.
I hear ya! I have always dreaded birthdays and holidays. It's not that I'm an a**, it's just that these occasions simply stress me out and have never been enjoyable. They also never end! Appr. five years ago I had an "aha" moment and told all my friends and family that I will not be participating in gift-giving/receiving from this point forth. If they'd like to get together and eat (or otherwise spend time together) when someone has a birthday or any other holiday, that's fine. It ruffled a lot of feathers in the beginning. But, people have gotten used to it. Best decision I've ever made.
I appreciate hearing about this. I never have been at a legit birthday party. Which isn't sad to me at all. My birthdays were just at my house with food and cake with one friend visiting, or it was an outing with my family at my favorite restaurant. My birthdays were never huge and so I always loved my birthdays. To hear other people's experiences opened my eyes. And will consider that for my other friend who has autism.
Favorite restaurant dining is my favorite way to celebrate. I worked as a waiter in the kind of restaurant that was a once a year treat for LOTS of people in south Miami. I loved having those tables because that's how I prefer to spend my birthday celebration.
I don't even celebrate my birthday for all those reasons. I just lump it in with Halloween by adding my favorite cake~ The joys of being born in October! 🥰
had my last birthday party in my twenties, more than 30 years ago. as many of my (larger) family members have died and i have moved quite a lot since then, nowadays i enjoy wonderfully uneventful quiet birthdays; same goes for christmas. i am the happiest when nobody calls and nobody gives me presents.
Late diagnosed AuDHD at age 43. My birthday’s on Christmas Day and I love it because everyone I know are busy with their own family gatherings so I mostly receive birthday wishes via text. Receiving gifts stresses me so much because I know I’ll never use whatever is gifted to me and having to pretend I like it emotionally and mentally drains me. I rather get gift cards to my favorite stores or stuff from my Amazon wishlist. Honestly, my favorite birthdays are the ones I’ve spent quietly rewatching holiday movies while stuffing my face with cake.
Amazon lists helped me with family. Getting a gift I don't want always causes me so much stress bk I don't want to hurt the person who gave it to me. Now I just say "food is always nice". Receiving one of my safe foods, provided I haven't already eaten, is one of the few surprises I actually love.
it is not just birthdays for me. This same feelings and anxiety you describe repeat on anniversaries valentines days and christmas. to be honest, sometimes I think I would prefer to live in a world without holidays, but I know I would miss some traditions. I prefer to celebrate every day but then hide in a quite room on holidays. this last Christmas was especially traumatic for me just as I thought I had overcome this pressure and tried to enjoy it, something happened much worse happened.
work is the worst part of birthdays for me. I don't want any unnecessary interaction from coworkers, but my workplace tends to make a big deal out of birthdays. I almost slipped through the cracks this year, but then someone noticed it on the calendar and told everyone else. the unpredictable chaos that ensued was deeply unpleasant. someone said "why are you keeping it so quiet!?" and I just... didn't say anything. the question itself is silly. some people don't like birthdays, that really shouldn't be new information to an adult human being.
At my last job, right after I started, they had me fill out a form that asked for things like my birthdate, what kind of cake I like, and what my hobbies and interests are. I wrote on it that I wouldn't share when my birthday is because I don't like "celebrating" my birthday and don't like people making a fuss about my birthday. One of the women that was on the committee that organized all the team's events (birthdays, holidays, etc) reportedly got angry and said I was "ruining the fun".
@@sparrowelf I never let my employer or team members know when my birthday it. It's not only an invasion of privacy, it threatens the way I construct my world. Work is work. Home is home. Never (rarely) shall the two meet.
I completely stopped celebrating my birthday date. However, people make it so hard to just forget it entirely. So, over the last decade, each I simply wish my mother a happy mother’s day, on that date.
I used to hide my birthday from work calendars even though everyone else's is on there because I don't like being surprised or perceived. Not that it matters because my best friend at work always takes care of mine for me anyway, in a more lowkey way, so I don't feel completely forgotten. Now that I've been at this job for so many years and have gotten used to the routine of that and other people's birthdays, my birthday is on the calendar most years because I can handle the surprise that isn't too much of a surprise. (Unless I'm feeling particularly anxious and leave it off the calendar anyway when that time of year rolls around.)
This is so accurate, totally feel the same way. Usually see one close friend on my birthday if anyone. And I’m exactly the same with a gift, specifics matter.
by some miracle i managed to just opt out of performative birthday activities with no consequences, i have no explanation other than my friends and family are cool i guess? spontaneous gifts only (i.e. no birthday or holidays), somehow everyone knows that about me even though it was never negotiated, and i distinctly remember 16th birthday as being the last one that demanded emotional labor from me
What I hate about birthdays is just expectation to be happy and if you don't look happy then people ask you "why aren't you happy" and you're just like "I don't know, why should I be?"
I have no family or partner and told my few friends to leave me alone. If someone dares to go over this I react angry and tell them very long how miserable I feel today not having a family who loves me, not getting a birthday cake with candles in the morning and how much they just braught that horrible feeling of lonliness back. They will not do again! And then I just do same as on other "special days" and stay alone at home hoping it is over quick and I have now another year until it is again.
You described it very well. The whole social ritual surrounding birthdays makes me very nervous when the day approaches... especially if my coworkers are expecting me to arrange a mini-party (which is quite traditional at my workplace).
Ugh, I SO agree about a wishlist... giving and receiving one. I hate getting something that isn’t quite "the thing." Then you're expected to use/display the thing and either feelings are hurt when you don't, or you feel forced to show enjoyment when you don't actually feel that way. I always tell people when I give them gifts to feel free to return or exchange it, they won't hurt my feelings!
My mom tried to have a birthday party for me in 5th grade. I invited a lot of people. Only my best friend and family showed up. I was glad my best friend came, but there was a hole left inside of me that day. It showed me that people I cared about at the time, did not care about me at all. I decided that day I was never going to have another birthday party. It just so happens that I did have another birthday party when I was 38. An impromptu get together at a local restaurant, where we had almost 30 people, about 25 more than I expected. But as an adult, I've realized that the people who love me the most will always show up for me if they can. Sometimes, life just gets in the way of doing things with the people we love. I just wait until the end of the day to go through the messages. I try to like each one, but only make an end of day post to thank everyone. I only directly respond to my inner circle.
I hate my birthday. I spend the day alone lying to people who want to spend time with me and assuring them I am "out in the world having soooo much fun" with other people. I've only experienced 1 of my 40 birthdays with the knowledge that I'm autistic. Fingers crossed that I can ask for some accomodations to bring some joy back into the day 6 weeks from now.
It's my 69th birthday today, and this video showed up in my feed. My nickname for my birthday is Disappointment Day. It is getting better as i age, however, simply because I am bit by bit lowering my expectations. I have known for over two decades that i am an ADHDer. Just recently i have realized that I am very likely autistic, as well. I thought i was a great mom, but two of my six children are estranged from me at this time. Birthdays are the days i am most aware of who is not wishing me a happy day, and it is a very sad realization every time. The pain never goes away, but as the years pass i get better at embracing the love that is expressed to me and accepting the pain that just is. Now my birthdays always turn out to be happy days on balance. Thanks for giving giving me a place to vent as this particular birthday gets started. 💜
Yes I have always disliked celebrating my birthday, even when young. Overwhelm for sure. What I really want now for any birthday is just a day to relax and do whatever I want without feeling guilty. I'm turning 40 and live in continual dread of a surprise party.
I'd like to appreciate the thoughtfulness of my work colleagues. I was 60 last week and they wanted to celebrate that, but knew I wouldn't react well to anything big, so they just got a bunch of nice food in the office while I was at an event, then kept it very low-key: nobody there who wouldn't have been anyway, and they also turned it into a combined birthday & end of term farewell event so the focus wasn't just on me.That's about as good as it gets!
As for presents, I literally buy (mostly digital) audios anytime I see them cheap but don't listen to them, then give my family a list of what I've bought that I would like them to choose from. No chance of getting anything I don't want, and it's still a surprise the exact things I receive!
I recently had a birthday too. I sent everyone a list of items that I wanted for my birthday and gave plenty of options at a wide range of price points, so, everyone could get something off of the list (I even encouraged a donation in my honor to one of my favorite organizations in case not enough of the options worked). I also highlighted my top prefered items so people would know what to prioritize getting me. While I did get a few of the items off of my wishlist (including a triplicate of one item which actually works out great), I also got a decent portion of extras which was frustrating since I now need to find a home for all of the items I didnt anticipate bringing home, plus, some of the items I will likely not even use. And of course I'm thinking all of this while trying to remember to be animated and thank people because my husband has pointed out and gotten frustrated with the fact that I struggle expressing appreciation for gifts, even if it's something I like
yeah. Pretty much this. My dad was the one that really seemed to show interest in my existence as a child but he also didn't like giving gifts unless he thought they actually resonated with me because he is the one I am pretty sure I get the autism from. So majority of the time, I didn't really get anything for my birthday. On my mom's side, she just forgot most of the time or if I did even have a birthday party it was tied to someone else's party or my family coming to town because like most people can attest here in the comment section, it's not like anyone would show up if it was 'my' party. As an adult my husband tries to make my day special and vice versa because he has a similar back story but I always have this fear that if I did an event or dinner and invite people, I have an expectation that nobody would show up. Then people are always disappointed that they "missed" it because I forget that I actually have friends now as an adult.
I don't like traditional big birthdays but I go to them to show support and appreciate the person. Had tried to find ways to celebrate my own birthday in a way that I would like but ppl didn't show, so I have accepted that for my birthday I invite ppl out to eat, I pay, I get presents, and most will go home after that. Otherwise there is that person or ppl who wants to continue by playing boardgames at home, go to an amusement park, go for a walk someplace beautiful or maybe even horse back riding. I truly appreciate those ppl bc they r spending time with me on my birthday in a way that I love.❤ It makes me feel less alone. Think I got a little birthday complex from having a birthday in the summer vacation time, so there was no one to celebrate with since family and friends where out travelling 😅
Happy belated birthday. 37? I loathe mine for similar reasons to everyone commenting and also because its when vehicle registration and inspection is due. I try to spend them doing things I enjoy the most.
Isn't vehicle registration based on when you first bought the car and went in and registered it? Maybe if you buy your next car at a different time of year, you won't have to worry about it affecting your birthday.
@@nicolepettit5120 Not in New Hampshire. I registered my truck when I could finally drive it and had to renew within 6 months to coincide with my birthday. Great idea though!
I really struggle with my birthday as well. Presents are a real struggle, both giving and receiving. I feel like my family and I have both mutually gotten worse at gift giving over the years. I've gotten gifts for people that I thought they'd genuinely like that ended up falling flat and I've been on the receiving end many times of gifts that just wasn't happy about for one reason or another. What really got me one year was receiving a gift from my mother for a Doctor Who adult coloring book when I'd been very vocal on multiple occasions about I didn't really get adult coloring books and that they held no appeal for me. My sister even told my mother that I wouldn't like it, but my mother still insisted on getting it for me and that I'd like it because it was Doctor Who. I think I flipped through it once and never attempted to color it. It was sometime after that incident that I just told my family that I was opting out of gift exchanges for both birthdays and holidays. I have not regretted it and not having to worry about giving or receiving gifts makes these times of year a lot less stressful. I'd rather just treat myself to whatever I want. Though gift giving has not been the only issue for me. I just don't like all the attention. Not only do I find it overwhelming, but it just doesn't feel genuine to me. Like if I don't feel appreciated all year long, then suddenly being showered with attention on my birthday feels fake and like it's done out of obligation and it does not make me feel good. I would much rather feel consistently appreciated and loved throughout the year than having a single day dedicated to me. So because I don't feel this, I don't really have anyone I feel close to at all, and that means I don't have anyone I actually want to celebrate with. Maybe I'd feel better about actually celebrating my birthday if I actually had family or friends that I wanted to celebrate with. That being said, my mental health is better than it used to be and I generally don't find my birthdays as upsetting as I once did, but most years I still choose not to do anything for my birthday. This year I did let my family take me out for lunch, but we kept it rather low-key, and again, no presents. I can't say how I'll feel when my birthday rolls around again, but I have a feeling I'll probably end up skipping any kind of celebration next year.
I didn't know I experienced my birthdays that way because I'm autistic!! A lot of things make so much sense now. I was diagnosed a couple of months ago (I am 24) but don't have the money to continue any kind of treatment so I don't have anyone to tell me oh you experience this this way because you're autistic, there is so much I don't know it is frustrating and when it finally clicks it feels like a weight is put off my shoulders. Thank you so much for your video❤ and also loved that Nausicaa book you got there! Made me happy :)
I’m terrible at judging other folks’ ages, but am guessing 34 for you. 😊 Congrats on another trip around the sun! I’m grateful you’re in our world. And yeah, I despise birthdays as well, especially my own. Hearing “happy birthday!” from others seems like the peak of superficiality … and you know how we autistics are about that! From my friends, I try to accept the birthday greeting in the way it is intended (with love), but I do all I can to hide the date from others so I don’t have to hear it from them. Not ashamed of my age, though. 44!
My birthday fills me with anxiety every year. Not really because of social expectations, but because it means change. If I'm older, that means everyone else is older, and I'm closer to the day I won't be able to see my loved ones again. My birthday has also always been rather unlucky. Something upsetting or sad always happened on a day that was supposed to be exciting and joyful. It apparently got to the point that I told my mother I didn't want a birthday anymore when I was little. I have no memory of saying that, but it really broke her heart. It wasn't until my sixteenth birthday that I was genuinely excited about it because I was getting my ears pierced for the first time. I got my ears pierced and I loved it but even my sixteenth birthday was ruined by someone I invited to my party. My mother and other family members were freaking furious about it, and I didn't find out what happened until later. Haven't really felt excited about my birthday again since. I'm twenty-five now.
@@pcp200769 Apologies for not being clear. I did not intend to suggest it was autism specifically. I was attempting to share how something that would probably also negatively impact an NT has also affected me (autistic). I do suspect, however, that my autistic tendency to perseverate and ruminate on small details has led me to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about this over the last 3 decades.
Both of my last two birthdays involved having to suppress a meltdown/panic attack combo...not exactly the thing I feel like experiencing on that specific day 🙃Still haven't recovered from the second one as it involved a re-traumatizing trigger that no one in my life seems to understand and the source happened to be in the room I have to sleep in 🙃
These were tough for me because as a small child I would have proper meltdowns, especially when they started singing. Once I left home and had my own space and established my own routines, and I do need to credit the college experience with helping me become better at communicating, especially my feelings, I could explain to my family what was wrong in a way that gently stifled rebuttals and now other than a birthday phone call with them all, which is scheduled, I enjoy peace with myself without the feeling of expectations, without the dreaded sense of having unnecessary additional obligations foisted upon me. I know it made them sad at first but once they understood it was my quality life we were talking about here, they came around. Big shout out to Amazon wish lists!
With a disproportionate amount of bullying victims as children: Receiving compliments is tied up with fake-outs. You can't expect anything ritualistic to be received without caution or anxiety.
I remember my 6th bday. My mom was a narc. I didn't want a party. I was quite and shy, and hated large crowds. She threw a huge party. The house was filled with random kids of people she knew, and multiple adults. I was expected to "perform" aka be the perfect daughter, who lovingly praised her perfect mother for all the effort she put into this party. I was overwhelmed and went to hide in my parents room (the only room where other people weren't allowed). My mom found me, and scolded me harshly for not playing the part. I was full on crying bc I never wanted a big party, didn't know any of these people, and it was all too much. That's when she told me my birthday wasn't about me, but instead about other people. People like her who put on a party for me, and the guests who came to celebrate. My overly literal brain was very confused as I was pretty sure of all days my bday was about me. I masked heavily for the party, and cried for hours later that night. Eventually my bday turned into a count down until I could move out, but I'll never forget the lesson that my bday isn't about me.
My dad ruined birthdays and Christmas for me, because as I was getting older and I gave him my list, he would keep saying “Don’t you want things that will help you better yourself in life?” So I basically learned I would never get anything I really wanted from him, so I had to turn to my mom for that stuff. But then I felt guilty because I was putting all the birthday/Christmas pressure on her, I was basically being forced to ask her to spend more money on me, and as a result, every year I asked for less and less stuff, and now we’re at the present, where I pretty much don’t even acknowledge my birthday because it’s been no different than any other day for the past several years
Inappropriate gifting is HORRIBLE. I'm a seriously disabled multi- tradesman, and gifts are given to help with the trades..... I asked for years for dental or Drs appointments, special mobility aids, power chair.... here's a (really poor quality) dial indicator that you have already got from Starrett so you can stand at your lathe for hours.... I need food and love. Not narcissistic ideals.
I ask exclusively for money now. I don’t do anything stressful. But sometime around the day I play certain games with no pressure to HAVE to do it on the day. I open presents alone and don’t have pressure to react in the moment in front of the gift giver (if they still get me a gift even though I prefer money) and I text or phone them later on my own time to thank for gifts. I never ‘go out’. I allow the celebration (if any) to be flexible and move to not HAVE to be on the literal day. As long as we watch a movie and play games in honour of my birthday on the day or up to 3 weeks after it ‘counts’. And maybe a cake and pizza.
I also had my birthdays planned around a summer holiday. I suppose I was luckier that I nearly always seemed to be at the holiday destination when my birthday came around. I only remember one time when we were travelling to Cornwall on my birthday. My parents and aunts would buy me specific books from a wildlife series. Fortunately, every year, the publishers would publish two or three new books. Other than that, I was really happy with pencils, paper, colouring books and maths exercise /puzzle books. I was one of those kids who liked being left in a corner to quietly work alone. I'm still like that in many ways, slthough I now have 5 pet ducklings, and they have really opened a window for me.
I also have a summer birthday. I had 1 party where my parents tried to invite friends, and everyone had an excuse; summer camp, family vacation, summer school. It made me feel worse, like I had no friends. And that probably was true. I also threw myself a party once and ended up in tears in tbe hallway outside my apartment. My best birthday was a Wednesday, I went to the movie theater in a suburb of the city where I was living and saw 2 movies, one of them I had the entire theater to myself. I like to take vacations on my birthday. Once I was scolded by a manager for taking away their joy in celebrating me by not telling them it was my birthday. This year, my supervisor wants to celebrate me, but I'm going away. I asked if we could ignore it, but she really wants to do something. It doesnt feel like its for me, because I just want to get past the day.
Birthdays usually mean dinner out, some presents, and a little cake. The occasion rarely if ever involves anyone other than my parents and I. And that's how it's been since I was 7 or 8 years old. My very well-intentioned parents organized a birthday party with a couple friends and the thing I remember best is reacting poorly to a treasure hunt where everybody else found the things before I got there and being sent to my room and never being told it was okay to come back. So I basically spent the latter half of the party alone in a room by myself. Have never wanted any kind of birthday party since.
I never had a birthday party growing up as a child, as I tried to have one and nobody I invited showed up and so my mom decided to never try that again. because of that, I got very self conscious about my own birthday, I never had one until I was 18 and I invited some friends over and we watched a movie at my place. I still feel extreme shame and guilt when it comes time to my birthday, and so my friends know just to not make a big deal out of it. I am trying to get better at accepting that people want to celebrate something that I feel has no real meaning. Here's what really helped though one day, and I have been doing it for all my friends since. my sister said "Happy Kass day" instead of "happy birthday" to me and that just framed it differently in my mind and I love it. it feels like it's no longer about the fact that I was born and we've been around the sun a bunch of times since, but a day to celebrate me, it's my day, not some arbitrary concept such as a birthday that just really doesn't matter after you turn 18, or 21, or 25 depending on how you want to view things
Personally I don’t celebrate any holidays… not my birthday nor Christmas: mostly because of bad experiences… but however I observe and acknowledge what day it is, but I don’t get anxious about it. I am single but not entirely by choice, but I believe my birth and life has an ultimate purpose… and a study I had begun.
My birthday is near Thanksgiving (sometimes on it). My dad also died near my first just before I turned 6. I don’t like celebrating, in general. For the past many years, I take the entire week off of work since I already have time off for Thanksgiving. I usually just try to relax that week. Sometimes I will do something for my birthday, like go to a distillery. That’s fun and subdued.
From middle school onward, I never threw a birthday party because I didn't have any friends to invite. So now in adulthood, that association is still present and I feel really depressed on my birthday, even when I *do* see friends (the few that I now have). That reminder of my lifelong friendlessness is the hardest part for me. Oh and god forbid if there are balloons around 😆
My birthdays are always a nightmare, but this last one was pretty different. A few days before, I asked my partner (also autistic) if they'd want to drive like 1500km into the northern mountains and back and they just said "awesome I've always wanted to see that part of the world" and my mom agreed to give a large sum of money for provisions and lodging. I still ended up in a dreadful panic spiral for most of the trip and was drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol, but the day after my birthday (we got hit by a blizzard and had to stop for the night before) with my partner was amazing. We looked at the landscape, smoked a cigar of cannabis coated in hashish, sung under bridges wandering around, and fell asleep after hours of getting Intimate in a really nice hotel.
Recieving presents for both my birthday and Christmas have always been very overwhelming and unpleasant for me. Even when getting a present I wanted and really loved, I was often scolded growing up for my lack of reaction and assumed disinterest. I often won't know how I actually feel about the gift until the party is over because my brain is to preoccupied processing all the different stimuli around me and the increased masking demands. I no longer feel comfortable inviting NT people to my birthday parties because I always feel like I'm not meeting some unspoken demand and that I am making them uncomfortable on a day that I'm supposed to be happy and having fun. My birthday party this year was one of the best I've ever had and I spent most of the party quietly sitting on the couch with my hands folded in my lap while my friends took turns infodumping in between rounds of anime and jackbox.
My birthday comes up in a few days and it was always difficult for me too. Never had a lot friends, and as someone who always had their birthday in school summer break, from the very few friends most of them were gone on holiday. Once my mom promised me a later birthday party after summer break, when nobody was available, but it never happened. I had some small parties with one to three kids sometimes, they were nice, but never really what I wanted. When I became a teenager and wanted a nice birthday party with fun games and everything I missed all the years before so badly, the invited persons made fun of me for being so childish. Last year I had a round birthday and had a party together with my partner, his birthday isn't so far apart from mine. It was nice, we just rented a small space for the evening, bought drinks and did a potluck, but it stressed me out for days before, had some meltdowns, so I could not really enjoy it, but it was still nice. Maybe I try again in 9 years for my next round birthday.
I think I've always done okay with birthdays because my parents made them very predictable and gave me a script/specific expectations for how I was supposed to react to presents, etc. Like I knew every odd number birthday I would not get a party with friends but we'd still have cake and stuff, but for even numbered birthdays I got a party. My mom taught me that I needed to say "thank you" for every gift, even if I didn't like it, because that was polite... but I didn't have to like/keep the thing after the person was gone. Now, as an adult every year for my birthday, my mom's birthday and father's day (all of which fall within a few weeks of each other) we always make a day of it to celebrate, go into the city and go "bookstore hopping"! Which is like bar hopping, but with bookstores. It makes things very predictable and easy to prepare for since I always know what's coming. I wasn't diagnosed as a child but my parents suspected I was autistic (and I suspect THEY are too) and I'm grateful they did what they did to help me- I wish more people's parents had done similarly! But now I work at schools with autistic kids and dread THEIR birthdays because it is absolute chaos for all of us getting our routine thrown off. 😩
OMG! I thought I was alone in this dread of birthdays. I was always the weird loner so I didn't have birthday parties like "normies". I always felt like a failure for not having a ton of friends like everyone. To this day, I just downplay the need for any group celebrations and try to avoid the disappointment. Sometimes it's too painful to think about the near guaranteed sadness that comes before, during and after my birthday.
(I'm not autistic.) I've stopped celebrating my birthday when I moved out of my home town. Aside from family and friends I've known since primary school nobody even knows my birth date. It's really nice to not have the pressure of making this one arbitrary day special and exciting, and dealing with lots of messages from people I may or may not care about. I generally don't care about holidays, and don't like obligatory gift giving. So detatching from birthdays as well as other celebrations/customs has been nice. Without the expectation of a big perfect day I can't be disappointed if it's not as amazing as planned. But if the day turns out to be nice, or even just little nice things happen, I can still interpret that as a celebration. Same as with every other mundane day :)
My last birthday, I had arranged a sort of birthday party for my 18th. I had sent a wishlist to a couple people i was inviting. I kept it short on purpose so they wouldn't feel olbigated to get me anything. I had put that I want them to know that I will react badly to most skincare, and also its best to avoid food because of my limited diet. I put three candies I liked and I think 3 specific items I'd like. Two friends stopped talking to me after I sent them this. I was really sad about it because I thought it would be okay especially because we don't get the chance to hang out a lot, so how would they know any idea what to get me? And I wouldn't want them to waste money on the skincare or food I can't use. They didn't even tell me they were mad about it, they just pretended they were going to go and cancelled a few days before. I realized they don't ask me about myself a lot and when I tried to share stuff about myself sometimes they would act weird about it, so maybe it was for the best. But it just sucks to have to find out who your true friends are on your birthday week.
Thank you for this video. I don't know exactly how old you are, but you're basically "my age", which in my worldview means I'm pretty sure you're within 5 years either direction from me. I've always hated my birthday for some of the same reasons you have, plus a few more. I was born on my mom's birthday, I was her only daughter (I have 2 brothers), she was an only child, and her mother was a self-centered control freak who didn't approve of anything I ever did except getting good grades. My birthdays were never about me the way other kids' birthdays were about them - no parties with other kids invited, no fun things I wanted to do, etc. No, my birthday was about what Grandma wanted, which was usually to monopolize the entire day, during which she lectured me every chance she got, doubly so if I didn't react "appropriately" to whatever gifts I got (which were rarely anything I actually liked or wanted). It also meant being forced to stand outside facing directly into the sun that felt like a thousand needles stabbing me in the eyes while Grandma yelled at me to open my eyes and smile for the camera. My mom almost constantly bragging (year round) to everyone she ever met that I was born on her birthday and I was the "best birthday present [she] ever got" also made me feel even less like a person on that day and more like a trophy or prize. My 25th birthday was the first year my mom ever let me NOT spend the day with Grandma without throwing a guilt trip on me. It also doesn't help that my birthday is really close to July 4th, I'm extremely sound sensitive with an overactive startle response, and it's nearly impossible to escape fireworks for weeks before and after the holiday. I wish I had some good pointers for dealing with birthdays, but mine really only got somewhat better after my Grandma died, and then better still (but emotionally complicated) after my mom died. My wife and close friends all know that I don't like a fuss, so the most I have to endure from them about it are my wife asking "what do you want/want to do for your birthday" or a friend asking to take us both out together to dinner or a concert to celebrate our birthdays (my wife's is also in July).
I used to like my own and other kids' birthday parties as a kid. I lived in a small municipality, so we wouldn't have a huge crowd of kids so maybe that was helping.. And the birthdays aren't such a huge deal in Finland as they are in the US. You have birthday cake, guests come in and bring some presents (but they were usually valued between $10 and topping around $40) and then the activities were mostly outdoor playing, like hide-and-seek etc. No bouncy castles, no decorations in the house, no presents for the guests, not inviting a whole school class, not $100+ gifts, no clowns hired, ... While I do have many sensory sensitivities, my worst ones were related to food (but most of the sweet things were not really the issue) and really loud noises (like from some power tools, so birthday levels of noise were fine). Also, my family was quite poor when I was growing up, so any gift was welcome. As an adult, I don't really celebrate my birthdays that much, just the round tens, and even my 40th I had just my immediate family members (mostly thx to covid). I've not really had trouble with those either. I guess I've been fortunate in this aspect.
I never minded my birthdays because we only had one large party. I was 8. And it was a lot. But not unmanageable. As a grown person, I was trying to tell my mom how my birthday was coming up and it made me reflect on how I'd only ever had one party. I'd heard people talking like I should have been sorry that I didn't have more parties, and I was trying to sort out my feelings of actually being glad that I'd only had the one. My mom stopped me at "I've only ever had one party" thinking I was hinting that I wanted one, and then invited all my acquaintances (I had no actual friends at the time) for a big, awkward surprise birthday party that I really, really hated. I'd been looking forward to a nice, relaxing, laid back cake-cutting with family and maybe even some quality time by myself. Instead I had to go shopping with my mom and then had to act pleasantly surprised when I got home (unsuccessfully). We ate pizza (which I don't love), and I had to pretend to be having a good time for all the nice people who came even though we weren't even friends. It was the worst. 😢🎉🎉😂 the best part of that birthday was when it was over.
I dont like surprises, nor performing for others. So many wasted gifts I never used. I'd prefer gift card/money instead of more clutter I'll never use. My parents mixed my b-day with father's day (to safe them money and time) so I wasnt feeling very celebrated. I often feel cringe whenever someone wishes me a happy birthday. In my adulthood, I buy myself gifts and take myself out to a fancy meal, so I feel better on my bday.
I always disliked birthdays as it puts a lot of pressure on the person having the birthday, its not an uncommon experience finding being sung at uncomfortable, and that feeling of unease is just elevated by disability. I'm fine with people giving me gifts, but i dont think they should wait for a specific date to do it, just make the person you love happy today.
Undiagnosed but yeah birthdays are complicated. Don't mind getting gifts in principle but there are a few BUT:s like: 1. fear for not liking the gift and show it, 2. even if I like it I might not be able to show it in a convincing way and stressing out. Also problem when giving a present which involves the following feelings that kinda ruin everything: 1. intense fear that the receiver won't like it, 2. I almost get sick having to come up with what to buy and rather chicken out than going (odd thing or maybe not, is that using a proxy where I let someone else buy it or do it together really helps alot). OH and all silly competition games played at parties (which is equal to the pain as adult when doing bonding activities with colleagues at work). However I must have succeeded to do some masking as I was invited to some parties. But boy was I most happy when the party was over, be it mine or others - so much social activities are draining! Cheers form Sweden (pardon any weird grammar)
Man, I see myself in this. After my mother passed away, I do indeed feel incredibly forgotten on my birthdays, and it doesn't help that my birthday is in the week after Christmas, making it harder for people to pay special attention. Usually I find I have to things for me instead of expecting others do anything for me. So I've planned a vacation to meet some of my friends when I hit a big milestone birthday, like my 40th that is coming up. I also notice that because I don't want to host because it is so complicated, I've started making a mess of my house because I don't want that added level of responsibility, so my home almost looks like a hoarders house, but it's mainly because I don't want unannounced guests.
As a professional chef its always been easier for me to host my own celebration and do all the cooking and organizing myself. Other than that I don't enjoy celebrating something that is not actually an accomplishment. As you pointed out, there are LOTS of emotional baggage around birthdays. Perhaps the most significant ongoing aspect is that I am never satisfied with gift giving. For me, giving a gift is a chance to express how well I know you by finding a gift that you didn't know you needed. When I receive gifts it's often disappointing because the gift is so generic it feels like they giver either doesn't know me, or doesn't care enough to think about what I would really like to receive.
35? Maybe? I hate birthdays, well hate my own birthday. Only because it reminds me of how much of a failure i am and how little time I've left, so it feels me with anxiety and panic. But other than that I love it..
I don't get many gifts lately, cause I'm very secretive (or even like self-unaware) of what I want, so I mostly get money instead. What I do find a bit stressful is dealing with birthday messages. I'm not very expressive in text messages, so I often see myself forcing myself to inject some uncharacteristic emotion to my 'thank you' reply, paired with a need to try to make replies somewhat mutually distict not to see too copy-pasty.
So as a kid I didn't like my birthday because I didn't have friends to have a party with. When I was 6 or 7 my mom made me have a party and the next school day the kids who came to it told me their mothers made them. At sixteen, I can't tell you how much it hurt that my cousin got a sweet sixteen but I didn't. 3 days after 27th my dad died. After that my family tried to celebrate it at another time to separate it from my grief. But asking me when I wanted my birthday to be was the worst question..I am 49 now and was diagnosed 2 years ago on my birthday. Now I don't know what to do with my birthday.
For those looking for a way to avoid this… I solved it years ago. I just do something nice for my mom instead, I didn’t do anything worth celebrating… my mom is the hero of that day, and each year is another year she kept me alive. So I just tell people I don’t do birthdays and I just take my mom out for food or something so she can have her celebration in her own way because my mom LOVES holidays and birthdays and obsesses over gifts, decorations and still makes Easter baskets for her adult kids… lol So I let mom give me a gift and that’s it.
Well, just as bad as going to another persons birthday party. I am supposed to be planning a joint birthday for my husband and I, and well… i am overwhelmed by the thought of it. The guest list is huge. I have given up on asking for things here where my husband lives, because I just get ignored anyway. There is one person in my family who refuses to even discuss my birthday, but expects an expensive gift on hers along with a family outing. I was quote and unquote born too soon after Christmas to even be able to afford anything for my birthday, so do not even ask. Their daughter is born 6 days after me. Still it hurts, to be expected to celebrate them, but I am unworthy. Not the child mind you, I adore their children, but the narcissistic mother, who is having issues, scapegoating me as the reason why her marriage is failing. Telling the oldest child this. So, birthdays feel lost to me. I am not important. Even back home, I am ‘too old’ to have anything but a dinner out.
I simultaneously want to be invisible and noticed on my birthday and it's frustrating. The last "good" birthday i had was when i turned 6; I turn 30 this year. So many years, I've gotten bad news or was just forgotten. My dad never failed to remember my brother's bday, but couldnt remember mine, even after being reminded by my step-mom. I have a friend that says she wants to have a party for me for my birthday this year, and I kind of want it to break the tradition of only bad, but I also will feel awkward if it's done as I hate being the center of attention. I also don't have many friends, so i worry she'd just invite all HER friends that i know but not very well and it'll either be awkward as hell or no one will show up. I just want one good birthday, is that too much to ask? :(
I have never been a big gift giving or receiving person, partly because I’m not a very material person. I would rather to out to eat with friends than worry about gifts.
Ive also recently had my birthday. I hate it, I feel like it's expected to celebrate it even if I don't want to. If I don't celebrate it, people will come to my house regardless. I stopped celebrating my birthday for friends at 14. Now I don't have any friends anyway 😂 I also have my birthday turned off on facebook because even the 5 people texting me to wish me a happy birthday, are too much. I just don't want all that attention. I don't know how to respond to those texts pretending I'm happy because that's how I'm supposed to feel even though I hate it. I work at this place where they put everyone's birthday on a board every month so everyone knows it when it's your birthday. I was so glad that my birthday was on a sunday and I hoped I could escape it all, but nope, they all wished me a happy birthday the next day at work 😭 It's just a bit overwhelming to me. The social expectations, pretending to be happy, pretending that being 24 is different than being 25 even though an hour ago I was still 24. Shaking people's hand, doing those stupid 3 kisses thing 🤮 I hate it, no thanks.
As few people as possible, not more than six and only those, i really like and feel comfortable with! Or take a trip for two and avoid celebrate at all, that's my way to cope with this.
~I dread my birthday & major holidays, cuz i get pity texts from family & people i rarely hear from otherwise, asking if ill have anyone to spend the day with~ ~At one point my sobriety date was what was important to me, i told my mother that, but she never once acknowledged it~I found out years later she never even believed me that i was sober~
I have a party once a decade; I’ll never know who comes (if anyone). Most other years I have a nice day with my partner and we’ll do something fun, just the two of us. I don’t have my birthday listed on Facebook, so the people who wish me a happy birthday are the ones who care enough to have remembered or have it noted down somewhere. Low key and low expectation = low anxiety and less room for disappointment.
I have a narcissistic mother and she's made my birthday absolutely awful, I have three children with special needs and she's ruined those for me as well. I'm in my 50's now and although I refuse to see her, she's ruined so much for me and my family.
I feel badly for you. I'm 38 and am very painfully learning alot about narcissism and being autistic. Ugly is the only word. Ugly. The fakeness, the lies, the missing years and years of childhood memories that only other people know about...ouch Take care from the southern interior of BC
Several of my birthdays as a child were spent at the hospital. I wasn’t the patient, my mother was. My mother died the day after my birthday in 2004. I just turned 29. I was devastated. I didn’t have children and my husband and I were trying to have kids. I wasn’t diagnosed yet with autism as I was just diagnosed this year. However, we did eventually get to adopt our one and only best child ever at birth in 2010. I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t have my mom to help me with my daughter and party planning or what, but I am a disaster with planning anything to do with parties. I can fool people and make them think I can do it but inside the world is tumbling down all around me and I just want to die the entire time. I hate planning and hate hosting the party even more so. The stress and anxiety are minimal compared to the complete and utter dread I feel. Not that I am afraid people are going to hate it or that my daughter will hate it, but because I seriously don’t understand the structure of a party and why things have to be on a schedule to stay on track and herd the kids to this activity then that activity. It’s the fact also that I am expected to do the mingling as well and oversee all the things and it is beyond the worst day ever. And trying to delegate is impossible for me. It’s like I have no clue what I need someone else to do as I don’t know what I am even doing. Yet when it’s all done I am glad there was a party to celebrate our miracle baby. And I am blessed to have her. I know my problem is my problem and I keep that to myself (except my permission to speak about it here.) I know that she is 14 right now and soon will grow out of themed birthday parties. And I will miss the dreadful planning and hosting. lol now her dad and I are divorced. I will be blessed with the sweet 16 party planning and I’m starting now. Next year is her dad’s turn. This year was the first time in 20 years that I enjoyed my birthday. It was quiet and just me and my daughter. We went to the cheesecake factory and then to build a bear. My mom suffered the entire day on my birthday with severe chest pain. She was in the hospital recovering from stomach surgery. And a blood clot got her. I feel she held out until she was sure my birthday had passed. It was June 20th when she died. It was Father’s day and her dad was still living. How terribly sad for him. I used to feel really inadequate and felt like an idiot for not naturally being calm and at ease with planning and hosting my daughter’s birthday parties. I feel as I learn more about my brain and how I work is that I am great at so many things but this part of life I suck with mingling and trying to take on a million jobs for one day. Lol.
When people do nice things for me or give me gifts or compliments, especially when I'm put in the center of attention of a bunch of people like a birthday party or some kudos at work or something. I feel like I'm unsure how to properly express gratitude that is appropriate for the context or isn't disproportionate and doesn't come off as disingenuous.
I'm kind of traumatized by birthdays - my parents would get me gifts to triangulate the other kids against me by giving me mountains of presents, while also justifying my mother's spending addiction. I didn't ask for or want any of the gifts, and none of them took my preferences into account. That's more about narcissistic abuse and triangulation than autism, but my autism made me very overwhelmed by it.
I wasn't diagnosed autistic as a kid, so I didn't know why birthdays were hard. I'll never forget the time a friend gave me a book as a birthday gift in high school. A couple of us were standing around outside at lunch time, Megan pulls a wrapped book out of her bag and says "Happy birthday, hopefully you don't already have this one." I unwrapped it. I was The Terminal Experiment by Robert J. Sawyer. He's my favourite author, this was about 2004 and I'd discovered his work in 2001. This book was published in 1995. Of course I already had it! "Ah, The Terminal Experiment! I do already have it, but great choice, one of his best!" My best friend Leanne, who was with us, told me I was rude for admitting I already had it. She kind of asked, didn't she? And I complimented it anyway!
I am so glad you did a video on birthdays. In elementary and middle school, how many birthdays were we not invited to but the rest of the class was? How many birthdays did we have where no one showed up? Being undiagnosed, whose parents blamed us for isolation and loneliness if only we would "act normal."
Children's birthday parties contain lots of screaming, excitement and motion - running, jumping, hiding, whatever games might entail. Then the unexpected balloon pop and noise of music which was loud enough for all party guests to hear.
Being the center of attention when singing happy birthday is cringeworthy. Same for opening presents.
As an adult, my birthday is hidden on Facebook. I would rather be invisible then overwhelmed.
Ah that's probably why I don't get birthdays being hard, I basically was so overwhelmed at all times during school that what other kids in school did or didn't do was something that didn't even register to me. I always just had a small party with my family where I got to pick what food we made or ordered and I got a cake and I could ask for a gift from my parents that'd be more expensive than stuff we usually buy, so for me birthdays were always just a quiet little celebration that were pretty enjoyable.
I guess my brain going into shutdown mode as a defense mechanism at school did at least work for some things, I never even processed that people were around me half the time so I couldn't be upset about not being invited to parties as the sole thing on my mind was "I don't wanna be here I wanna be anywhere but here please I wanna go home"
I hide my birthday too, I don't want any messages, I'd prefer to keep it quiet
The worst part for me is family calling me on the phone!
I hate that too, and I'm not autistic.
It's not the worst part, but it's definitely kind of awkward. Especially if the conversation always ends up on topics you don't really want to talk about/discuss.
Birthdays are hard, Christmas is even harder for me. Beyond the social expectations it's the gifts. Things I don't want or need and displaying the right emotion when receiving them. It's stressful for me to find the right gifts for others. I prefer to give throughout the year when I know someone needs or wants something.
Yes, I can see why you do that. I also give my family gifts through the year, then when Christmas or birthday comes around, they are still happy to receive just a little, simple, useful gift.
I have tried to think up special gifts for people in the past, but I just never get it right somehow. It's like I seem to judge their tastes on something minor that they like - like buying them an expensive Star Wars toy after they enjoyed the film. They just liked the film, but never had any intention of collecting memorabilia.
I think asking people what they want as a gift or just gifting them money should be normalized regardless of autism. I can't imagine anyone preferring a random thing they don't need to something they genuinely do. And then they don't have to fake joy for the sake of the gifter.
I avoid my birthday... the day means nothing to me, I don't want gifts, I don't want obligations and I don't want a lot of people around me as that is not a celebration to me... its a nightmare.
I love getting gifts because I love getting free things I didn't have to pay for, but the overwhelming necessity of replying to the gift "correctly" makes me just cop out and say "I hate getting gifts"
The more I learn about autism the more Im convinced I have it. My family does lists, all of us. I struggle “showing gratitude” when opening presents. My mom hates surprises, even of things she specifically asked for
I'm in the same boat. Turned 38 and shortly after realised I feel like my entire life has been a mirage
I love the texting on your video, it really helps with audio processing. I wish it was more common than it is.
For me, it's unfortunately a distraction. I would prefer just listening to the speech, but if I'm trying to ignore the text, I will focus on ignoring the text and I will also ignore the audio. But Jeremy has already explained in an earlier video why the TH-cam's own closed captions are not good for everyone, so I will just zoom the video in so that the texts go out of sight. It does make me lose some of the video frame, though. To truly have a solution that is optimal for everyone, we would need a better subtitle platform by TH-cam so that the text wouldn't have to be burnt into the video.
@@fintux Yeah, unfortunately, forced subtitles are a big distraction for me as well and having that visual distraction can actually make auditory processing worse for me. I'm also a rather slow reader, so it's also difficult for me to rely solely on the subtitles if they are going too fast for me. So either way I end up having to rewind more than I would for a video without them.
I am just learning that there was text 😂. I usually just listen to videos unless there’s something being shown but if it’s a talking head I listen whilst doing other stuff
"I was very accomodating as a child" hit me in a way I was not prepared for. Just. Ouch. Thanks for this, you've given voice to something I was having a lot of trouble articulating
As an autist and abuse victim, I have to point out that being extra accomodating and all the other symptoms and common comorbidities are suspicioisly interchangable. I hope I worded that in a way that won't get _____ed.
@@matthewatwood207 your all good. It's really a thing.
@@sixtyfourchebby4507 thanks. It's good to not be gaslit constantly from all directions.
I'm almost 43, diagnosed last year, and I haven't celebrated my birthday in any way for the past 15 years. And I'm happy that nobody "forces" me, or even encourages me, to celebrate it (I don't have any friends so nobody cares). At this point, the only birthday I celebrate happily is my son's.
PS: I recognize you, fellow Miyazaki fan! ❤
My mom grew up in the Depression (yeah, I’m old but she had me when she was 40) so her birthdays were meager affairs or nonexistent. So when she had kids, she wanted to give us the big splashy parties she never got.
The problem was, I was an autistic little girl who had no idea. Mom would expect us to be insanely excited over every gift and every aspect. The pressure was too much and I would usually have a meltdown at some point. My mom would shake her head in disgust and tell me I was a spoiled brat(I was constantly a “spoiled brat”). I dreaded my birthdays and even now don’t like to celebrate them. It’s usually a depressing day to get through. Thank ppl Ik the truth about my AuDHD now, even if it’s late in life
that is awful 😞spoiled brat, ungrateful, unappreciative, selfish, the list goes on.
I am also old and had depression era parents. Mine were also big splashy because money and stuff was the most important thing because they had nothing.
@@KarenDUlrich Yup. Heard that my whole life growing up. So good to finally know why I am the way I am
This hits hard...I'm 38 and was beaten for not understanding the context of the gifts that I didn't know were meant for my parental units pleasure.
@@sixtyfourchebby4507 I’m so sorry. I’m glad you were able to escape into adulthood and I hope you found someone to process that abuse with
My childhood birthdays were spent with my mother trying to cajole our friends and neighbors kids into coming over, usually unsuccessfully. I didn't have friends and I wasn't told I should invite ppl. It's emotionally loaded for me now. I used to offer ppl things to hang out with me that day but then it felt like I was "bribing" ppl to be with me on my birthday. Now I'm just alone. That goes decently though not perfect.
I just dislike getting gifts. When it's a group gift event like Xmas, I try to open my gifts while others are opening theirs, so the focus is off me. I explain to my wife and she's told her family that I know my reaction to a gift may not be what's hoped for, so I try to set expectations. My preferred bday gifts are simply time or events that I'm interested in, not a physical object.
I give experiences, not objects, as gifts (unless it's a consumable).
Thank you for this! I also turn off FB for a couple of weeks around my birthday. I get fewer greetings, but the ones I get (texts etc) feel more genuine. I appreciate my friends & family putting in the time and energy.
My ideal birthday now is a quiet day of enjoyment, eg a walk in a beautiful place and a nice lunch, with 2-3 of the people I love the most. No unwrapping of gifts, no songs, no cake -- just a pleasant day that everyone can equally enjoy.
This hits hard and I agree with you. Then there is the concept "others birthdays" which also is a pain because finding a gift to someone else is just so overwhelming and and causes stress, like the brain goes into full tilt.
My birthday is during a time of year when everyone is on vacation, so I'm not especially tied to the date and as an adult I often forget it's coming up. Also I'm not a material person, so I don't even think about gifts unless I'm in a situation when I really need things. In that case, having a birthday sometimes makes it easier for me to ask people to chip in and help.
I hear ya! I have always dreaded birthdays and holidays. It's not that I'm an a**, it's just that these occasions simply stress me out and have never been enjoyable. They also never end!
Appr. five years ago I had an "aha" moment and told all my friends and family that I will not be participating in gift-giving/receiving from this point forth. If they'd like to get together and eat (or otherwise spend time together) when someone has a birthday or any other holiday, that's fine.
It ruffled a lot of feathers in the beginning. But, people have gotten used to it. Best decision I've ever made.
I appreciate hearing about this. I never have been at a legit birthday party. Which isn't sad to me at all. My birthdays were just at my house with food and cake with one friend visiting, or it was an outing with my family at my favorite restaurant. My birthdays were never huge and so I always loved my birthdays. To hear other people's experiences opened my eyes. And will consider that for my other friend who has autism.
Favorite restaurant dining is my favorite way to celebrate. I worked as a waiter in the kind of restaurant that was a once a year treat for LOTS of people in south Miami. I loved having those tables because that's how I prefer to spend my birthday celebration.
I don't even celebrate my birthday for all those reasons. I just lump it in with Halloween by adding my favorite cake~ The joys of being born in October! 🥰
had my last birthday party in my twenties, more than 30 years ago.
as many of my (larger) family members have died and i have moved quite a lot since then, nowadays i enjoy wonderfully uneventful quiet birthdays; same goes for christmas.
i am the happiest when nobody calls and nobody gives me presents.
Late diagnosed AuDHD at age 43. My birthday’s on Christmas Day and I love it because everyone I know are busy with their own family gatherings so I mostly receive birthday wishes via text. Receiving gifts stresses me so much because I know I’ll never use whatever is gifted to me and having to pretend I like it emotionally and mentally drains me. I rather get gift cards to my favorite stores or stuff from my Amazon wishlist. Honestly, my favorite birthdays are the ones I’ve spent quietly rewatching holiday movies while stuffing my face with cake.
Day after Christmas here, I can relate!
Amazon lists helped me with family. Getting a gift I don't want always causes me so much stress bk I don't want to hurt the person who gave it to me. Now I just say "food is always nice". Receiving one of my safe foods, provided I haven't already eaten, is one of the few surprises I actually love.
it is not just birthdays for me. This same feelings and anxiety you describe repeat on anniversaries valentines days and christmas. to be honest, sometimes I think I would prefer to live in a world without holidays, but I know I would miss some traditions. I prefer to celebrate every day but then hide in a quite room on holidays. this last Christmas was especially traumatic for me just as I thought I had overcome this pressure and tried to enjoy it, something happened much worse happened.
work is the worst part of birthdays for me. I don't want any unnecessary interaction from coworkers, but my workplace tends to make a big deal out of birthdays. I almost slipped through the cracks this year, but then someone noticed it on the calendar and told everyone else. the unpredictable chaos that ensued was deeply unpleasant. someone said "why are you keeping it so quiet!?" and I just... didn't say anything. the question itself is silly. some people don't like birthdays, that really shouldn't be new information to an adult human being.
At my last job, right after I started, they had me fill out a form that asked for things like my birthdate, what kind of cake I like, and what my hobbies and interests are. I wrote on it that I wouldn't share when my birthday is because I don't like "celebrating" my birthday and don't like people making a fuss about my birthday. One of the women that was on the committee that organized all the team's events (birthdays, holidays, etc) reportedly got angry and said I was "ruining the fun".
@@sparrowelf I never let my employer or team members know when my birthday it. It's not only an invasion of privacy, it threatens the way I construct my world. Work is work. Home is home. Never (rarely) shall the two meet.
@@sparrowelf That's her problem, not yours. People can be so incredibly dumb at times.
I completely stopped celebrating my birthday date. However, people make it so hard to just forget it entirely.
So, over the last decade, each I simply wish my mother a happy mother’s day, on that date.
Aww, that's a sweet tradition.
I love that idea!
I used to hide my birthday from work calendars even though everyone else's is on there because I don't like being surprised or perceived. Not that it matters because my best friend at work always takes care of mine for me anyway, in a more lowkey way, so I don't feel completely forgotten. Now that I've been at this job for so many years and have gotten used to the routine of that and other people's birthdays, my birthday is on the calendar most years because I can handle the surprise that isn't too much of a surprise. (Unless I'm feeling particularly anxious and leave it off the calendar anyway when that time of year rolls around.)
That 👍🏾
“Happy birthday, here’s a swamp” 😂
This is so accurate, totally feel the same way. Usually see one close friend on my birthday if anyone. And I’m exactly the same with a gift, specifics matter.
by some miracle i managed to just opt out of performative birthday activities with no consequences, i have no explanation other than my friends and family are cool i guess? spontaneous gifts only (i.e. no birthday or holidays), somehow everyone knows that about me even though it was never negotiated, and i distinctly remember 16th birthday as being the last one that demanded emotional labor from me
What I hate about birthdays is just expectation to be happy and if you don't look happy then people ask you "why aren't you happy" and you're just like "I don't know, why should I be?"
I have no family or partner and told my few friends to leave me alone. If someone dares to go over this I react angry and tell them very long how miserable I feel today not having a family who loves me, not getting a birthday cake with candles in the morning and how much they just braught that horrible feeling of lonliness back.
They will not do again!
And then I just do same as on other "special days" and stay alone at home hoping it is over quick and I have now another year until it is again.
You described it very well. The whole social ritual surrounding birthdays makes me very nervous when the day approaches... especially if my coworkers are expecting me to arrange a mini-party (which is quite traditional at my workplace).
Ugh, I SO agree about a wishlist... giving and receiving one. I hate getting something that isn’t quite "the thing." Then you're expected to use/display the thing and either feelings are hurt when you don't, or you feel forced to show enjoyment when you don't actually feel that way. I always tell people when I give them gifts to feel free to return or exchange it, they won't hurt my feelings!
My mom tried to have a birthday party for me in 5th grade. I invited a lot of people. Only my best friend and family showed up. I was glad my best friend came, but there was a hole left inside of me that day. It showed me that people I cared about at the time, did not care about me at all. I decided that day I was never going to have another birthday party. It just so happens that I did have another birthday party when I was 38. An impromptu get together at a local restaurant, where we had almost 30 people, about 25 more than I expected. But as an adult, I've realized that the people who love me the most will always show up for me if they can. Sometimes, life just gets in the way of doing things with the people we love.
I just wait until the end of the day to go through the messages. I try to like each one, but only make an end of day post to thank everyone. I only directly respond to my inner circle.
The Studio Ghibli books in the background 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 Our cats have all had SG names: Nausicaa, Sophie, Kiki, Howl, and Chihiro ❤
I hate my birthday. I spend the day alone lying to people who want to spend time with me and assuring them I am "out in the world having soooo much fun" with other people. I've only experienced 1 of my 40 birthdays with the knowledge that I'm autistic. Fingers crossed that I can ask for some accomodations to bring some joy back into the day 6 weeks from now.
It's my 69th birthday today, and this video showed up in my feed. My nickname for my birthday is Disappointment Day. It is getting better as i age, however, simply because I am bit by bit lowering my expectations.
I have known for over two decades that i am an ADHDer. Just recently i have realized that I am very likely autistic, as well. I thought i was a great mom, but two of my six children are estranged from me at this time.
Birthdays are the days i am most aware of who is not wishing me a happy day, and it is a very sad realization every time.
The pain never goes away, but as the years pass i get better at embracing the love that is expressed to me and accepting the pain that just is. Now my birthdays always turn out to be happy days on balance.
Thanks for giving giving me a place to vent as this particular birthday gets started. 💜
Yes I have always disliked celebrating my birthday, even when young. Overwhelm for sure. What I really want now for any birthday is just a day to relax and do whatever I want without feeling guilty. I'm turning 40 and live in continual dread of a surprise party.
I'd like to appreciate the thoughtfulness of my work colleagues. I was 60 last week and they wanted to celebrate that, but knew I wouldn't react well to anything big, so they just got a bunch of nice food in the office while I was at an event, then kept it very low-key: nobody there who wouldn't have been anyway, and they also turned it into a combined birthday & end of term farewell event so the focus wasn't just on me.That's about as good as it gets!
As for presents, I literally buy (mostly digital) audios anytime I see them cheap but don't listen to them, then give my family a list of what I've bought that I would like them to choose from. No chance of getting anything I don't want, and it's still a surprise the exact things I receive!
Nailed it!
Every detail is exactly how I feel
I recently had a birthday too. I sent everyone a list of items that I wanted for my birthday and gave plenty of options at a wide range of price points, so, everyone could get something off of the list (I even encouraged a donation in my honor to one of my favorite organizations in case not enough of the options worked). I also highlighted my top prefered items so people would know what to prioritize getting me. While I did get a few of the items off of my wishlist (including a triplicate of one item which actually works out great), I also got a decent portion of extras which was frustrating since I now need to find a home for all of the items I didnt anticipate bringing home, plus, some of the items I will likely not even use. And of course I'm thinking all of this while trying to remember to be animated and thank people because my husband has pointed out and gotten frustrated with the fact that I struggle expressing appreciation for gifts, even if it's something I like
yeah. Pretty much this. My dad was the one that really seemed to show interest in my existence as a child but he also didn't like giving gifts unless he thought they actually resonated with me because he is the one I am pretty sure I get the autism from. So majority of the time, I didn't really get anything for my birthday. On my mom's side, she just forgot most of the time or if I did even have a birthday party it was tied to someone else's party or my family coming to town because like most people can attest here in the comment section, it's not like anyone would show up if it was 'my' party.
As an adult my husband tries to make my day special and vice versa because he has a similar back story but I always have this fear that if I did an event or dinner and invite people, I have an expectation that nobody would show up. Then people are always disappointed that they "missed" it because I forget that I actually have friends now as an adult.
'm staring at 61 in a month's time. I was very pleased actually when I turned 60 and most people that knew me forgot.
I don't like traditional big birthdays but I go to them to show support and appreciate the person. Had tried to find ways to celebrate my own birthday in a way that I would like but ppl didn't show, so I have accepted that for my birthday I invite ppl out to eat, I pay, I get presents, and most will go home after that. Otherwise there is that person or ppl who wants to continue by playing boardgames at home, go to an amusement park, go for a walk someplace beautiful or maybe even horse back riding. I truly appreciate those ppl bc they r spending time with me on my birthday in a way that I love.❤ It makes me feel less alone. Think I got a little birthday complex from having a birthday in the summer vacation time, so there was no one to celebrate with since family and friends where out travelling 😅
Happy belated birthday. 37? I loathe mine for similar reasons to everyone commenting and also because its when vehicle registration and inspection is due. I try to spend them doing things I enjoy the most.
Isn't vehicle registration based on when you first bought the car and went in and registered it? Maybe if you buy your next car at a different time of year, you won't have to worry about it affecting your birthday.
@@nicolepettit5120 Not in New Hampshire. I registered my truck when I could finally drive it and had to renew within 6 months to coincide with my birthday. Great idea though!
I really struggle with my birthday as well. Presents are a real struggle, both giving and receiving. I feel like my family and I have both mutually gotten worse at gift giving over the years. I've gotten gifts for people that I thought they'd genuinely like that ended up falling flat and I've been on the receiving end many times of gifts that just wasn't happy about for one reason or another. What really got me one year was receiving a gift from my mother for a Doctor Who adult coloring book when I'd been very vocal on multiple occasions about I didn't really get adult coloring books and that they held no appeal for me. My sister even told my mother that I wouldn't like it, but my mother still insisted on getting it for me and that I'd like it because it was Doctor Who. I think I flipped through it once and never attempted to color it.
It was sometime after that incident that I just told my family that I was opting out of gift exchanges for both birthdays and holidays. I have not regretted it and not having to worry about giving or receiving gifts makes these times of year a lot less stressful. I'd rather just treat myself to whatever I want.
Though gift giving has not been the only issue for me. I just don't like all the attention. Not only do I find it overwhelming, but it just doesn't feel genuine to me. Like if I don't feel appreciated all year long, then suddenly being showered with attention on my birthday feels fake and like it's done out of obligation and it does not make me feel good. I would much rather feel consistently appreciated and loved throughout the year than having a single day dedicated to me. So because I don't feel this, I don't really have anyone I feel close to at all, and that means I don't have anyone I actually want to celebrate with. Maybe I'd feel better about actually celebrating my birthday if I actually had family or friends that I wanted to celebrate with.
That being said, my mental health is better than it used to be and I generally don't find my birthdays as upsetting as I once did, but most years I still choose not to do anything for my birthday. This year I did let my family take me out for lunch, but we kept it rather low-key, and again, no presents. I can't say how I'll feel when my birthday rolls around again, but I have a feeling I'll probably end up skipping any kind of celebration next year.
I didn't know I experienced my birthdays that way because I'm autistic!! A lot of things make so much sense now. I was diagnosed a couple of months ago (I am 24) but don't have the money to continue any kind of treatment so I don't have anyone to tell me oh you experience this this way because you're autistic, there is so much I don't know it is frustrating and when it finally clicks it feels like a weight is put off my shoulders. Thank you so much for your video❤ and also loved that Nausicaa book you got there! Made me happy :)
I’m terrible at judging other folks’ ages, but am guessing 34 for you. 😊 Congrats on another trip around the sun! I’m grateful you’re in our world.
And yeah, I despise birthdays as well, especially my own. Hearing “happy birthday!” from others seems like the peak of superficiality … and you know how we autistics are about that! From my friends, I try to accept the birthday greeting in the way it is intended (with love), but I do all I can to hide the date from others so I don’t have to hear it from them. Not ashamed of my age, though. 44!
My birthday fills me with anxiety every year. Not really because of social expectations, but because it means change. If I'm older, that means everyone else is older, and I'm closer to the day I won't be able to see my loved ones again.
My birthday has also always been rather unlucky. Something upsetting or sad always happened on a day that was supposed to be exciting and joyful. It apparently got to the point that I told my mother I didn't want a birthday anymore when I was little. I have no memory of saying that, but it really broke her heart. It wasn't until my sixteenth birthday that I was genuinely excited about it because I was getting my ears pierced for the first time. I got my ears pierced and I loved it but even my sixteenth birthday was ruined by someone I invited to my party. My mother and other family members were freaking furious about it, and I didn't find out what happened until later. Haven't really felt excited about my birthday again since. I'm twenty-five now.
My dad died, horribly, on my 30th birthday. It's been a long time, but I've not been able to break the association between the two events.
thats a lot of trauma jeez.
😢
I'm sorry 😪, sending love ❤
Sorry but how is that autism that’s just a normal reaction to horrible things coinciding
@@pcp200769 Apologies for not being clear. I did not intend to suggest it was autism specifically. I was attempting to share how something that would probably also negatively impact an NT has also affected me (autistic). I do suspect, however, that my autistic tendency to perseverate and ruminate on small details has led me to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about this over the last 3 decades.
Both of my last two birthdays involved having to suppress a meltdown/panic attack combo...not exactly the thing I feel like experiencing on that specific day 🙃Still haven't recovered from the second one as it involved a re-traumatizing trigger that no one in my life seems to understand and the source happened to be in the room I have to sleep in 🙃
These were tough for me because as a small child I would have proper meltdowns, especially when they started singing. Once I left home and had my own space and established my own routines, and I do need to credit the college experience with helping me become better at communicating, especially my feelings, I could explain to my family what was wrong in a way that gently stifled rebuttals and now other than a birthday phone call with them all, which is scheduled, I enjoy peace with myself without the feeling of expectations, without the dreaded sense of having unnecessary additional obligations foisted upon me. I know it made them sad at first but once they understood it was my quality life we were talking about here, they came around. Big shout out to Amazon wish lists!
With a disproportionate amount of bullying victims as children: Receiving compliments is tied up with fake-outs. You can't expect anything ritualistic to be received without caution or anxiety.
Exactly
I remember my 6th bday. My mom was a narc. I didn't want a party. I was quite and shy, and hated large crowds. She threw a huge party. The house was filled with random kids of people she knew, and multiple adults. I was expected to "perform" aka be the perfect daughter, who lovingly praised her perfect mother for all the effort she put into this party. I was overwhelmed and went to hide in my parents room (the only room where other people weren't allowed). My mom found me, and scolded me harshly for not playing the part. I was full on crying bc I never wanted a big party, didn't know any of these people, and it was all too much. That's when she told me my birthday wasn't about me, but instead about other people. People like her who put on a party for me, and the guests who came to celebrate. My overly literal brain was very confused as I was pretty sure of all days my bday was about me. I masked heavily for the party, and cried for hours later that night. Eventually my bday turned into a count down until I could move out, but I'll never forget the lesson that my bday isn't about me.
My dad ruined birthdays and Christmas for me, because as I was getting older and I gave him my list, he would keep saying “Don’t you want things that will help you better yourself in life?” So I basically learned I would never get anything I really wanted from him, so I had to turn to my mom for that stuff. But then I felt guilty because I was putting all the birthday/Christmas pressure on her, I was basically being forced to ask her to spend more money on me, and as a result, every year I asked for less and less stuff, and now we’re at the present, where I pretty much don’t even acknowledge my birthday because it’s been no different than any other day for the past several years
Inappropriate gifting is HORRIBLE. I'm a seriously disabled multi- tradesman, and gifts are given to help with the trades..... I asked for years for dental or Drs appointments, special mobility aids, power chair.... here's a (really poor quality) dial indicator that you have already got from Starrett so you can stand at your lathe for hours.... I need food and love. Not narcissistic ideals.
I ask exclusively for money now. I don’t do anything stressful. But sometime around the day I play certain games with no pressure to HAVE to do it on the day. I open presents alone and don’t have pressure to react in the moment in front of the gift giver (if they still get me a gift even though I prefer money) and I text or phone them later on my own time to thank for gifts. I never ‘go out’. I allow the celebration (if any) to be flexible and move to not HAVE to be on the literal day. As long as we watch a movie and play games in honour of my birthday on the day or up to 3 weeks after it ‘counts’. And maybe a cake and pizza.
I also had my birthdays planned around a summer holiday. I suppose I was luckier that I nearly always seemed to be at the holiday destination when my birthday came around. I only remember one time when we were travelling to Cornwall on my birthday.
My parents and aunts would buy me specific books from a wildlife series. Fortunately, every year, the publishers would publish two or three new books.
Other than that, I was really happy with pencils, paper, colouring books and maths exercise /puzzle books. I was one of those kids who liked being left in a corner to quietly work alone.
I'm still like that in many ways, slthough I now have 5 pet ducklings, and they have really opened a window for me.
I also have a summer birthday. I had 1 party where my parents tried to invite friends, and everyone had an excuse; summer camp, family vacation, summer school. It made me feel worse, like I had no friends. And that probably was true.
I also threw myself a party once and ended up in tears in tbe hallway outside my apartment.
My best birthday was a Wednesday, I went to the movie theater in a suburb of the city where I was living and saw 2 movies, one of them I had the entire theater to myself.
I like to take vacations on my birthday.
Once I was scolded by a manager for taking away their joy in celebrating me by not telling them it was my birthday. This year, my supervisor wants to celebrate me, but I'm going away. I asked if we could ignore it, but she really wants to do something. It doesnt feel like its for me, because I just want to get past the day.
Birthdays usually mean dinner out, some presents, and a little cake. The occasion rarely if ever involves anyone other than my parents and I.
And that's how it's been since I was 7 or 8 years old.
My very well-intentioned parents organized a birthday party with a couple friends and the thing I remember best is reacting poorly to a treasure hunt where everybody else found the things before I got there and being sent to my room and never being told it was okay to come back. So I basically spent the latter half of the party alone in a room by myself.
Have never wanted any kind of birthday party since.
I was grounded for years and years and remember having to "celebrate" these events to be sent back to bed.
What happened to us kids?
I never had a birthday party growing up as a child, as I tried to have one and nobody I invited showed up and so my mom decided to never try that again. because of that, I got very self conscious about my own birthday, I never had one until I was 18 and I invited some friends over and we watched a movie at my place.
I still feel extreme shame and guilt when it comes time to my birthday, and so my friends know just to not make a big deal out of it. I am trying to get better at accepting that people want to celebrate something that I feel has no real meaning.
Here's what really helped though one day, and I have been doing it for all my friends since. my sister said "Happy Kass day" instead of "happy birthday" to me and that just framed it differently in my mind and I love it. it feels like it's no longer about the fact that I was born and we've been around the sun a bunch of times since, but a day to celebrate me, it's my day, not some arbitrary concept such as a birthday that just really doesn't matter after you turn 18, or 21, or 25 depending on how you want to view things
I'm 24 as of posting, btw
Personally I don’t celebrate any holidays… not my birthday nor Christmas: mostly because of bad experiences… but however I observe and acknowledge what day it is, but I don’t get anxious about it.
I am single but not entirely by choice, but I believe my birth and life has an ultimate purpose… and a study I had begun.
My birthday is near Thanksgiving (sometimes on it). My dad also died near my first just before I turned 6. I don’t like celebrating, in general.
For the past many years, I take the entire week off of work since I already have time off for Thanksgiving. I usually just try to relax that week. Sometimes I will do something for my birthday, like go to a distillery. That’s fun and subdued.
From middle school onward, I never threw a birthday party because I didn't have any friends to invite. So now in adulthood, that association is still present and I feel really depressed on my birthday, even when I *do* see friends (the few that I now have). That reminder of my lifelong friendlessness is the hardest part for me. Oh and god forbid if there are balloons around 😆
My birthdays are always a nightmare, but this last one was pretty different. A few days before, I asked my partner (also autistic) if they'd want to drive like 1500km into the northern mountains and back and they just said "awesome I've always wanted to see that part of the world" and my mom agreed to give a large sum of money for provisions and lodging. I still ended up in a dreadful panic spiral for most of the trip and was drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol, but the day after my birthday (we got hit by a blizzard and had to stop for the night before) with my partner was amazing. We looked at the landscape, smoked a cigar of cannabis coated in hashish, sung under bridges wandering around, and fell asleep after hours of getting Intimate in a really nice hotel.
Recieving presents for both my birthday and Christmas have always been very overwhelming and unpleasant for me. Even when getting a present I wanted and really loved, I was often scolded growing up for my lack of reaction and assumed disinterest. I often won't know how I actually feel about the gift until the party is over because my brain is to preoccupied processing all the different stimuli around me and the increased masking demands. I no longer feel comfortable inviting NT people to my birthday parties because I always feel like I'm not meeting some unspoken demand and that I am making them uncomfortable on a day that I'm supposed to be happy and having fun. My birthday party this year was one of the best I've ever had and I spent most of the party quietly sitting on the couch with my hands folded in my lap while my friends took turns infodumping in between rounds of anime and jackbox.
...that awkward moment in life when a group of people sing happy birthday to you. Fells like an eternity.
My birthday comes up in a few days and it was always difficult for me too. Never had a lot friends, and as someone who always had their birthday in school summer break, from the very few friends most of them were gone on holiday.
Once my mom promised me a later birthday party after summer break, when nobody was available, but it never happened. I had some small parties with one to three kids sometimes, they were nice, but never really what I wanted. When I became a teenager and wanted a nice birthday party with fun games and everything I missed all the years before so badly, the invited persons made fun of me for being so childish.
Last year I had a round birthday and had a party together with my partner, his birthday isn't so far apart from mine. It was nice, we just rented a small space for the evening, bought drinks and did a potluck, but it stressed me out for days before, had some meltdowns, so I could not really enjoy it, but it was still nice. Maybe I try again in 9 years for my next round birthday.
I think I've always done okay with birthdays because my parents made them very predictable and gave me a script/specific expectations for how I was supposed to react to presents, etc. Like I knew every odd number birthday I would not get a party with friends but we'd still have cake and stuff, but for even numbered birthdays I got a party. My mom taught me that I needed to say "thank you" for every gift, even if I didn't like it, because that was polite... but I didn't have to like/keep the thing after the person was gone. Now, as an adult every year for my birthday, my mom's birthday and father's day (all of which fall within a few weeks of each other) we always make a day of it to celebrate, go into the city and go "bookstore hopping"! Which is like bar hopping, but with bookstores. It makes things very predictable and easy to prepare for since I always know what's coming. I wasn't diagnosed as a child but my parents suspected I was autistic (and I suspect THEY are too) and I'm grateful they did what they did to help me- I wish more people's parents had done similarly! But now I work at schools with autistic kids and dread THEIR birthdays because it is absolute chaos for all of us getting our routine thrown off. 😩
OMG! I thought I was alone in this dread of birthdays. I was always the weird loner so I didn't have birthday parties like "normies". I always felt like a failure for not having a ton of friends like everyone. To this day, I just downplay the need for any group celebrations and try to avoid the disappointment. Sometimes it's too painful to think about the near guaranteed sadness that comes before, during and after my birthday.
Your not alone.
Take care from the southern interior of BC
I find it very interesting that you posted this on my birthday 😅
(I'm not autistic.) I've stopped celebrating my birthday when I moved out of my home town. Aside from family and friends I've known since primary school nobody even knows my birth date. It's really nice to not have the pressure of making this one arbitrary day special and exciting, and dealing with lots of messages from people I may or may not care about. I generally don't care about holidays, and don't like obligatory gift giving. So detatching from birthdays as well as other celebrations/customs has been nice. Without the expectation of a big perfect day I can't be disappointed if it's not as amazing as planned. But if the day turns out to be nice, or even just little nice things happen, I can still interpret that as a celebration. Same as with every other mundane day :)
My last birthday, I had arranged a sort of birthday party for my 18th. I had sent a wishlist to a couple people i was inviting. I kept it short on purpose so they wouldn't feel olbigated to get me anything. I had put that I want them to know that I will react badly to most skincare, and also its best to avoid food because of my limited diet. I put three candies I liked and I think 3 specific items I'd like. Two friends stopped talking to me after I sent them this. I was really sad about it because I thought it would be okay especially because we don't get the chance to hang out a lot, so how would they know any idea what to get me? And I wouldn't want them to waste money on the skincare or food I can't use. They didn't even tell me they were mad about it, they just pretended they were going to go and cancelled a few days before. I realized they don't ask me about myself a lot and when I tried to share stuff about myself sometimes they would act weird about it, so maybe it was for the best. But it just sucks to have to find out who your true friends are on your birthday week.
Thank you for this video. I don't know exactly how old you are, but you're basically "my age", which in my worldview means I'm pretty sure you're within 5 years either direction from me. I've always hated my birthday for some of the same reasons you have, plus a few more.
I was born on my mom's birthday, I was her only daughter (I have 2 brothers), she was an only child, and her mother was a self-centered control freak who didn't approve of anything I ever did except getting good grades. My birthdays were never about me the way other kids' birthdays were about them - no parties with other kids invited, no fun things I wanted to do, etc. No, my birthday was about what Grandma wanted, which was usually to monopolize the entire day, during which she lectured me every chance she got, doubly so if I didn't react "appropriately" to whatever gifts I got (which were rarely anything I actually liked or wanted). It also meant being forced to stand outside facing directly into the sun that felt like a thousand needles stabbing me in the eyes while Grandma yelled at me to open my eyes and smile for the camera. My mom almost constantly bragging (year round) to everyone she ever met that I was born on her birthday and I was the "best birthday present [she] ever got" also made me feel even less like a person on that day and more like a trophy or prize. My 25th birthday was the first year my mom ever let me NOT spend the day with Grandma without throwing a guilt trip on me.
It also doesn't help that my birthday is really close to July 4th, I'm extremely sound sensitive with an overactive startle response, and it's nearly impossible to escape fireworks for weeks before and after the holiday.
I wish I had some good pointers for dealing with birthdays, but mine really only got somewhat better after my Grandma died, and then better still (but emotionally complicated) after my mom died. My wife and close friends all know that I don't like a fuss, so the most I have to endure from them about it are my wife asking "what do you want/want to do for your birthday" or a friend asking to take us both out together to dinner or a concert to celebrate our birthdays (my wife's is also in July).
OH MY GOD, YOU LIKE NAUSICAA VALLEY OF THE WIND TOO!!!!!!!!
I used to like my own and other kids' birthday parties as a kid. I lived in a small municipality, so we wouldn't have a huge crowd of kids so maybe that was helping.. And the birthdays aren't such a huge deal in Finland as they are in the US. You have birthday cake, guests come in and bring some presents (but they were usually valued between $10 and topping around $40) and then the activities were mostly outdoor playing, like hide-and-seek etc. No bouncy castles, no decorations in the house, no presents for the guests, not inviting a whole school class, not $100+ gifts, no clowns hired, ... While I do have many sensory sensitivities, my worst ones were related to food (but most of the sweet things were not really the issue) and really loud noises (like from some power tools, so birthday levels of noise were fine). Also, my family was quite poor when I was growing up, so any gift was welcome.
As an adult, I don't really celebrate my birthdays that much, just the round tens, and even my 40th I had just my immediate family members (mostly thx to covid). I've not really had trouble with those either. I guess I've been fortunate in this aspect.
I never minded my birthdays because we only had one large party. I was 8. And it was a lot. But not unmanageable.
As a grown person, I was trying to tell my mom how my birthday was coming up and it made me reflect on how I'd only ever had one party. I'd heard people talking like I should have been sorry that I didn't have more parties, and I was trying to sort out my feelings of actually being glad that I'd only had the one.
My mom stopped me at "I've only ever had one party" thinking I was hinting that I wanted one, and then invited all my acquaintances (I had no actual friends at the time) for a big, awkward surprise birthday party that I really, really hated. I'd been looking forward to a nice, relaxing, laid back cake-cutting with family and maybe even some quality time by myself. Instead I had to go shopping with my mom and then had to act pleasantly surprised when I got home (unsuccessfully). We ate pizza (which I don't love), and I had to pretend to be having a good time for all the nice people who came even though we weren't even friends.
It was the worst. 😢🎉🎉😂 the best part of that birthday was when it was over.
I dont like surprises, nor performing for others.
So many wasted gifts I never used.
I'd prefer gift card/money instead of more clutter I'll never use.
My parents mixed my b-day with father's day (to safe them money and time) so I wasnt feeling very celebrated. I often feel cringe whenever someone wishes me a happy birthday.
In my adulthood, I buy myself gifts and take myself out to a fancy meal, so I feel better on my bday.
I always disliked birthdays as it puts a lot of pressure on the person having the birthday, its not an uncommon experience finding being sung at uncomfortable, and that feeling of unease is just elevated by disability.
I'm fine with people giving me gifts, but i dont think they should wait for a specific date to do it, just make the person you love happy today.
Undiagnosed but yeah birthdays are complicated. Don't mind getting gifts in principle but there are a few BUT:s like: 1. fear for not liking the gift and show it, 2. even if I like it I might not be able to show it in a convincing way and stressing out. Also problem when giving a present which involves the following feelings that kinda ruin everything: 1. intense fear that the receiver won't like it, 2. I almost get sick having to come up with what to buy and rather chicken out than going (odd thing or maybe not, is that using a proxy where I let someone else buy it or do it together really helps alot). OH and all silly competition games played at parties (which is equal to the pain as adult when doing bonding activities with colleagues at work).
However I must have succeeded to do some masking as I was invited to some parties. But boy was I most happy when the party was over, be it mine or others - so much social activities are draining! Cheers form Sweden (pardon any weird grammar)
Man, I see myself in this. After my mother passed away, I do indeed feel incredibly forgotten on my birthdays, and it doesn't help that my birthday is in the week after Christmas, making it harder for people to pay special attention. Usually I find I have to things for me instead of expecting others do anything for me. So I've planned a vacation to meet some of my friends when I hit a big milestone birthday, like my 40th that is coming up. I also notice that because I don't want to host because it is so complicated, I've started making a mess of my house because I don't want that added level of responsibility, so my home almost looks like a hoarders house, but it's mainly because I don't want unannounced guests.
I feel for you.
Having been awakened to narcissism and being autistic was an eye opener.
Take care from the southern interior of BC
As a professional chef its always been easier for me to host my own celebration and do all the cooking and organizing myself. Other than that I don't enjoy celebrating something that is not actually an accomplishment.
As you pointed out, there are LOTS of emotional baggage around birthdays. Perhaps the most significant ongoing aspect is that I am never satisfied with gift giving. For me, giving a gift is a chance to express how well I know you by finding a gift that you didn't know you needed. When I receive gifts it's often disappointing because the gift is so generic it feels like they giver either doesn't know me, or doesn't care enough to think about what I would really like to receive.
Yep, true with me on just about everything you said!
35? Maybe?
I hate birthdays, well hate my own birthday. Only because it reminds me of how much of a failure i am and how little time I've left, so it feels me with anxiety and panic. But other than that I love it..
I don't get many gifts lately, cause I'm very secretive (or even like self-unaware) of what I want, so I mostly get money instead. What I do find a bit stressful is dealing with birthday messages. I'm not very expressive in text messages, so I often see myself forcing myself to inject some uncharacteristic emotion to my 'thank you' reply, paired with a need to try to make replies somewhat mutually distict not to see too copy-pasty.
So as a kid I didn't like my birthday because I didn't have friends to have a party with. When I was 6 or 7 my mom made me have a party and the next school day the kids who came to it told me their mothers made them. At sixteen, I can't tell you how much it hurt that my cousin got a sweet sixteen but I didn't. 3 days after 27th my dad died. After that my family tried to celebrate it at another time to separate it from my grief. But asking me when I wanted my birthday to be was the worst question..I am 49 now and was diagnosed 2 years ago on my birthday. Now I don't know what to do with my birthday.
For those looking for a way to avoid this… I solved it years ago.
I just do something nice for my mom instead, I didn’t do anything worth celebrating… my mom is the hero of that day, and each year is another year she kept me alive.
So I just tell people I don’t do birthdays and I just take my mom out for food or something so she can have her celebration in her own way because my mom LOVES holidays and birthdays and obsesses over gifts, decorations and still makes Easter baskets for her adult kids… lol
So I let mom give me a gift and that’s it.
Well, just as bad as going to another persons birthday party. I am supposed to be planning a joint birthday for my husband and I, and well… i am overwhelmed by the thought of it. The guest list is huge. I have given up on asking for things here where my husband lives, because I just get ignored anyway. There is one person in my family who refuses to even discuss my birthday, but expects an expensive gift on hers along with a family outing. I was quote and unquote born too soon after Christmas to even be able to afford anything for my birthday, so do not even ask. Their daughter is born 6 days after me. Still it hurts, to be expected to celebrate them, but I am unworthy. Not the child mind you, I adore their children, but the narcissistic mother, who is having issues, scapegoating me as the reason why her marriage is failing. Telling the oldest child this. So, birthdays feel lost to me. I am not important. Even back home, I am ‘too old’ to have anything but a dinner out.
The reason I personally struggle with special days is mainly because I’m a selfish individual 364 days of the year so gotta take one day off
I simultaneously want to be invisible and noticed on my birthday and it's frustrating. The last "good" birthday i had was when i turned 6; I turn 30 this year. So many years, I've gotten bad news or was just forgotten. My dad never failed to remember my brother's bday, but couldnt remember mine, even after being reminded by my step-mom.
I have a friend that says she wants to have a party for me for my birthday this year, and I kind of want it to break the tradition of only bad, but I also will feel awkward if it's done as I hate being the center of attention. I also don't have many friends, so i worry she'd just invite all HER friends that i know but not very well and it'll either be awkward as hell or no one will show up.
I just want one good birthday, is that too much to ask? :(
I have never been a big gift giving or receiving person, partly because I’m not a very material person. I would rather to out to eat with friends than worry about gifts.
Ive also recently had my birthday. I hate it, I feel like it's expected to celebrate it even if I don't want to. If I don't celebrate it, people will come to my house regardless. I stopped celebrating my birthday for friends at 14. Now I don't have any friends anyway 😂 I also have my birthday turned off on facebook because even the 5 people texting me to wish me a happy birthday, are too much. I just don't want all that attention. I don't know how to respond to those texts pretending I'm happy because that's how I'm supposed to feel even though I hate it. I work at this place where they put everyone's birthday on a board every month so everyone knows it when it's your birthday. I was so glad that my birthday was on a sunday and I hoped I could escape it all, but nope, they all wished me a happy birthday the next day at work 😭
It's just a bit overwhelming to me. The social expectations, pretending to be happy, pretending that being 24 is different than being 25 even though an hour ago I was still 24. Shaking people's hand, doing those stupid 3 kisses thing 🤮 I hate it, no thanks.
As few people as possible, not more than six and only those, i really like and feel comfortable with! Or take a trip for two and avoid celebrate at all, that's my way to cope with this.
~I dread my birthday & major holidays, cuz i get pity texts from family & people i rarely hear from otherwise, asking if ill have anyone to spend the day with~
~At one point my sobriety date was what was important to me, i told my mother that, but she never once acknowledged it~I found out years later she never even believed me that i was sober~
The singing. Being the center of attention while everyone is singing to you. It was too awkward when I was younger.
I have a party once a decade; I’ll never know who comes (if anyone). Most other years I have a nice day with my partner and we’ll do something fun, just the two of us. I don’t have my birthday listed on Facebook, so the people who wish me a happy birthday are the ones who care enough to have remembered or have it noted down somewhere. Low key and low expectation = low anxiety and less room for disappointment.
I have a narcissistic mother and she's made my birthday absolutely awful, I have three children with special needs and she's ruined those for me as well. I'm in my 50's now and although I refuse to see her, she's ruined so much for me and my family.
I feel badly for you. I'm 38 and am very painfully learning alot about narcissism and being autistic. Ugly is the only word. Ugly.
The fakeness, the lies, the missing years and years of childhood memories that only other people know about...ouch
Take care from the southern interior of BC
Several of my birthdays as a child were spent at the hospital. I wasn’t the patient, my mother was.
My mother died the day after my birthday in 2004.
I just turned 29. I was devastated. I didn’t have children and my husband and I were trying to have kids.
I wasn’t diagnosed yet with autism as I was just diagnosed this year.
However, we did eventually get to adopt our one and only best child ever at birth in 2010.
I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t have my mom to help me with my daughter and party planning or what, but I am a disaster with planning anything to do with parties.
I can fool people and make them think I can do it but inside the world is tumbling down all around me and I just want to die the entire time. I hate planning and hate hosting the party even more so.
The stress and anxiety are minimal compared to the complete and utter dread I feel.
Not that I am afraid people are going to hate it or that my daughter will hate it, but because I seriously don’t understand the structure of a party and why things have to be on a schedule to stay on track and herd the kids to this activity then that activity.
It’s the fact also that I am expected to do the mingling as well and oversee all the things and it is beyond the worst day ever. And trying to delegate is impossible for me. It’s like I have no clue what I need someone else to do as I don’t know what I am even doing.
Yet when it’s all done I am glad there was a party to celebrate our miracle baby. And I am blessed to have her.
I know my problem is my problem and I keep that to myself (except my permission to speak about it here.)
I know that she is 14 right now and soon will grow out of themed birthday parties. And I will miss the dreadful planning and hosting. lol now her dad and I are divorced. I will be blessed with the sweet 16 party planning and I’m starting now. Next year is her dad’s turn.
This year was the first time in 20 years that I enjoyed my birthday. It was quiet and just me and my daughter. We went to the cheesecake factory and then to build a bear.
My mom suffered the entire day on my birthday with severe chest pain. She was in the hospital recovering from stomach surgery. And a blood clot got her. I feel she held out until she was sure my birthday had passed.
It was June 20th when she died. It was Father’s day and her dad was still living. How terribly sad for him.
I used to feel really inadequate and felt like an idiot for not naturally being calm and at ease with planning and hosting my daughter’s birthday parties.
I feel as I learn more about my brain and how I work is that I am great at so many things but this part of life I suck with mingling and trying to take on a million jobs for one day. Lol.
When people do nice things for me or give me gifts or compliments, especially when I'm put in the center of attention of a bunch of people like a birthday party or some kudos at work or something. I feel like I'm unsure how to properly express gratitude that is appropriate for the context or isn't disproportionate and doesn't come off as disingenuous.
Feel you dude I don't know i am autistic or not but I can relate.
Also I love Naussica my favourite movie!
I'm kind of traumatized by birthdays - my parents would get me gifts to triangulate the other kids against me by giving me mountains of presents, while also justifying my mother's spending addiction. I didn't ask for or want any of the gifts, and none of them took my preferences into account.
That's more about narcissistic abuse and triangulation than autism, but my autism made me very overwhelmed by it.
Yup.
I wasn't diagnosed autistic as a kid, so I didn't know why birthdays were hard. I'll never forget the time a friend gave me a book as a birthday gift in high school. A couple of us were standing around outside at lunch time, Megan pulls a wrapped book out of her bag and says "Happy birthday, hopefully you don't already have this one." I unwrapped it. I was The Terminal Experiment by Robert J. Sawyer. He's my favourite author, this was about 2004 and I'd discovered his work in 2001. This book was published in 1995. Of course I already had it! "Ah, The Terminal Experiment! I do already have it, but great choice, one of his best!" My best friend Leanne, who was with us, told me I was rude for admitting I already had it. She kind of asked, didn't she? And I complimented it anyway!