As a large, muscular, black male college graduate from Detroit, didn’t think I could dislike Bennifer Shaps any more than I already did; I was wrong, and I thank you for this opportunity to increase my level of hatred for the little weasel…🐭🐭🐭
I love how Ben just completely misses how utterly horrible the "sympathetic" characters he writes are. He went on a whole as monologue how that cop "is not going to die here in a gutter he had a life too sob sob" and he's just aiming at a 8 year old minding his own business? 💀
@@SgtKaneGunlockI dunno, he'd probably be hilarious to let talk and then ask him questions like "who is going to be buying flooded land?" Provided, of course, that you can get him to stay and not switch topics, possibly with some sort of shock collar.
@@lnsflare1 nah, he'll just cite some study that when you go look it up and read it for yourself, it actually comes to the exact opposite conclusion to what Benny was arguing.
But you see that eight year-old child (who just happened to be black not that that was a factor at all in any way) had a bulge that *might* have *possibly* been a gun. So immediately reaching for his gun upon noticing there was an eight year-old there was justified. Just like if you see a brown child on a camel.
I doubt Ben meant or understood this, but that cop's monologue might be realistic, in spirit. In the dash cam from when Mr. Castille was killed (which is still up), the cop goes from calm to panic firing in 2 seconds (after being told about the conceal-carry). The cop is so jacked-up that he points his gun at the mom with her kid, screaming not to move. Now, we know Ben's not just bad with characters and plot, but also with authentic-seeming details. He may have been trying to narrate his cop's similar freak-out. We could try saying "Ben, you know when you think you see a spider on your sandwich and you chuck it across the room? You're not thinking `it might be poisonous' or 'I don't want my hand to swell-up and get expensive anti-venom` or 'wait, it's just pumpernickel.` You're not thinking anything at the time. You didn't even decide to throw the sandwich. Use that to write your cop."
No matter how many times I think about this plot point, I'm always so boggled at just the sheer level of racism Ben would need to come up with this idea, that police shootings are the result of Black people entrapping police to justify anti-police protests. Like, wow, Ben really does that absolutely hate Black people, brown people, too, but Black people in specific. I'll also always laugh that Ben thinks "Don't Let Them Hornswaggle You" is a good presidental slogan. 15:45
57:39 in a book with so many ridiculous ideas the idea that Saudi Arabia, the country that is famously dependent on the oil trade, is funding American environmentalists somehow manages to be the most unbelievable one. How does he possibly come to that conclusion?!
Not that we should ever be generous to ol Benny, but I *think* the idea is that the Saudis are trying to shut down the competition, and using the environmentalists as a proxy. Granted, that's a stretch given that it is in no way actually explained, but it's the best I can come up with.
Ben missed perfect satire by not calling the kid a "super predator". Police in Hillary Clinton/ Democrat America are "too afraid to do their jobs". He could've said, "The democrats are the ones who focus on race, actually." Ben even fails at writing propaganda. Smh
@bbrbbr-on2gd when Some Nore News' Cody J does the ep on Ladyballers he has a chapter where he shows that they even ruin their own points and then goes on to make their own points in a better way than they do just to clown them.
What y'all are missing with Ben describing the kid being killed here: big Zardoz reference: "The gun is good. The penis is evil." That's what he was going for. Lol
That transmission shop line makes me feel like he tried to change his own oil one time and didn't know to put an oil pan down so he just let it flow freely onto his driveway or street.
It's been really, really, really, really hard to select the absolute worst line from this literary abortion, but "So, you remember 9/11?" gets my vote.
@@KesselRunner606I mean, it can be used, but only for things you’d expect the other party to have forgotten (like “Remember that new guy Pam brought with her to the party last month? Yeah, turns out he’s in jail for defenestrating a customer” or smg)
Ben gets the meaning of the quote from Hamlet wrong. It means that perspective changes everything. "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" Nothing in there about trust. What a dull boy Ben is.
Sure, but a Black character misunderstands/wrongly explains it. Do we credit BS with enough nuance to expect the reader to catch the misinterpretation and go, “this man thinks he’s educated but he’s still an idiot,”? …as i typed all that, nah.
25:00 Being cold can stop *superficial* bleeding, since a lower body temperature causes capillaries in the skin to contract to preserve heat. Gunshots are pretty famous for being a bit more than just "superficial." No amount of cold will stop a ruptured liver from bleeding unless you were frozen solid.
9:25 "Illiterate bubble letters." Ben. Benathan Jenjamin Shapiro. If they are letters, do you think maybe they might be literate? Do you... do you think they're just random letters and the taggers don't know what they mean? Did you maybe mean "illegible," you illiterate? Which would be... *less* racist than this character just basically saying "yeah all these black people can't read or write." But still pretty bad. And either way really shows the value of community policing. Y'know. Like maybe having an armed man who has no knowledge of, or empathy for, the community he's policing; who has "given up on trying to decode that shit long ago"; might be... bad. Like he might maybe, i dunno, dehumanize these people he can't relate to, and, i dunno, hypothetically... pull a gun on an eight year-old and deliberately choose to shoot said eight year-old. With dead eyes. Like eight year-olds have. Those violent psychopaths. Whereas someone who understands the area might do a better job policing it and serving that community than someone who could, all other issues aside, apparently be under a tag that means "buy your crack cocaine here from Ronald Joseph Mathers" accompanied by a phone number and SSN and not know who to book. Like, thank you so much, conservatives, for your propaganda really highlighting how wrong you are.
It pisses me off that Ben says the Black eight-year-old the cops murder has "dead eyes". My mom's eyes are dark brown, and they're beautiful. Ben's opinion on dark brown eyes is lame and his taste sucks, dark brown eyes are fucking "dead".
It's pretty telling how Ben Shapiro feels the need to make every single opponent a caricature of a literal cartoon villain. Also: His absolute ignorance about literally everything.
I would add that the worship of the 'strong man' is usually about a longing for fascism. Which probably doesn't surprise anyone. Ben is Jewish - does he really think he'll be spared when the "the Jews will not replace us" comes around?
The only time I feel bad about being really short is when I think of people like Ben Shapiro. My coolness is not diminished by his desperate, angry energy, but like. Bro. Don't give us short kings a bad name, dude.
One of the hosts of this episode, Cody Johnston, has a weekly satirical news show on TH-cam called “Some More News.” He’s done multiple dives into Ben Shapiro.
@callunas Ask and recieve! BEN---A Micro Novel, the sequel to Ben Shapiro's Novel. Ben awoke to a sharp, localized pain on his hand. Bright lights and acoustical tiles filled his vision. Where was he? His head was restrained, and he was unable to move his limbs, Suddenly his vision was filled with a blurry figure hovering above him. As his senses returned, he heard beeping and the gentle rustle of cotton and intermittent light clanging. Then, a voice. "Hey Marge, he's coming out early; I'm going to need a few more minutes here to finish up..." And then he slipped out of consciousness again. "Brett! Brett!! We need another Chopper in here now. The Soviet CIA is taking over the Kremlin in Downtown Detroit. I need you to suddenly get in there with a sudden burst of M9 fire!" Brett looked down again at the magazine in his teeth. He had forgotten to reload it since his time in the Mexican Taliban's prison pods. He had been too busy doing General Quarters and so his Military tasks were incomplete. He knew now that this was all or nothing---the Chinese had installed micro-nukes, something that the American CIA totally knew about, but that evaded border patrols and were now in every American home. The trigger was inside the Soviet Kremlin in Compton, Detroit, in the possession of the father of the kid that his cousin the Policeman had killed. He was really angry, his angry anger made angrier by his Islam. "Screw it, I'm not going to die in Harlem, Detroit!!!" he screamed ponderously. He spit ouut the M9 magazine, and it clattered clumsily to the floor. He watched as a stream of golden bullets dripped down through a clear tube into his M9, the only gun his father had ever let him hold. The bullets dripped through the tube that entered into his hand, and straight into the barrell, sexily. For reasons he couldn't understand, his vision began to cloud and narrow. He could feel the flute that had been given to him by his first wife when he was trying to save the planet Kataan. Brett felt like he was losing himself. He thought of Ellen, and his policeman, and big bears and short men with hairy chests that looked like a 5'5 teenage boy. He thought of his dog, a Siamese/Calico mix that was as burly as a bear-dog. He thought of Rice and sticks, his favorite meal, and of his favorite cartoons, Dilbert and Friends. --------------------------------------------------------------------- "Ben? Ben, can you hear me?" He was confused. He was once again on his back, this time in a differently lit and appointed room. Why were they calling him Ben? His name was Brett, wasn't it? A Bear of a man, burly, really big, enormous and powerful. He felt a dull throbbing at his temple. He struggled, but eventually was able to raise his hands to his head and could feel the stitches. "Where the hell am I? And why are you calling me Ben? My name is Brett...wait...wait...what the fuck is wrong with my voice?" "Ben, you'll remember. You were in an accident. You've been in a coma for days; and we had to perform emergency surgery to remove pressure on your brain. But you're going to be OK. Now, I need you to rest. I'll get someone up here to see you." Ben was panicked. "Where's my M9? Where's Ellen?! " "Ellen?" replied the doctor...I'll ask your wife. Is that a friend of yours? Ben said nothing. Brett needed to rest, on account of the taxing nature of being so burly and strong. ------------------------------------------- When Ben next awoke, he realized Brett was gone. He wasn't strong, nor was he a Hawthorne but a lowly Shapiro. The pressure on his brain had made him more of a man than he had ever been. He had caught his reflection in the TV once it had been turned off of Fox's Steve Doocey. Rather than a burly man, his dimensions had flipped like John Kerry on a Swift boat. 5 foot six on a good day, 135 pounds, with a 4-5 pounds at the midsection that he now remembered that his wife called the "Shapiro Shuffle", and that eclipsed his view of his micropenis. In the darkness he wanted to be Brett again. He wanted his M9. In the darkness, he wanted his best friend, Policeman. In the darkness, he yearned yearningly for the touch of Ellen. Most of all, in the darkness, he wanted to once again be burly and tall and strong, with a voice that sounded of a man and a force of will and power that commanded armies. In the darkness, Ben stared at the metal tray that had been brought to him with a selection of bland foods. In the darkness Ben made a plan. In the darkness, Brett slammed the tray into his temple, over and over again, in hopes of rebirth. FIN
I'm having a really bad time, but reading this made me laugh at the inside!!! You are amazing! I feel happier after reading this it was so funny and absurd. You have a true gift of writing funny satirical absurd but intelligent stories!!! Big ups to you!!
@@elishh8173 I'm so happy that it gave you a smile. And remember, all good things become bad, but also over time all bad things become good! Keep things in perspective: you might be having a tough time, but on the flip side, you could be Ben Shapiro and therefore subhuman, and so in contrast you are doing alright! Be well, internet friend.
So hypothermia actually prevents your body from stopping bleeding. While putting an ice cube on a scratch might temporarily slow the bleeding because the vessels will constrict, several clotting factors only properly work at normal body temperatures. It's taught these days as part of the Lethal Triad, the Triad of Death, or sometimes the Lethal Diamond or the Diamond of Death (but they've been going back and forth on whether it's 3 factors or 4 for a while now).
I’m just listening to this episodes when I find them no order just like this shitty book. Trees died for this loathsome, small, insignificant creature’s words and I hate that.
I think Ben might’ve shoved five different book ideas into one because he knew no one would want to buy another after seeing how poorly written this is.
Really speaks to Ben's privileged existence that he thinks the crime in Detroit is what it is because they have cops to spare to wait around an abandoned plant. Flint native here. I was held up at gunpoint while working at a pharmacy. After the assailant left we called the cops, then waited two hours. They called back and asked if we still needed them, (presumably because more dangerous situations were happening elsewhere). There aren't enough cops to police any of these areas.
As someone from MN, I can vouch that’s how we treat our wounds in the winter- just go outside to stop the bleeding. It’s also why deer hunting is so treacherous- those oversized rats just won’t bleed out after first snow. ( 🤦🏼♀️)
Username checks out. Also something people like Ben who live out in California won't understand is that being out im the cold is dangerous specifically because you can't feel how messed up your body is. Broken bones, open wounds, flipping frostbite! Anyone who lives in a cold area is aware that you have to be extra careful to check yourself over when bits of ya start going numb in a potentially dangerous environment.
I think when Ben Shapiro was writing the character of Levon, he patted himself on the back for making a black character quote Shakespeare... "They can't call me racist. The crack dealer is so smart and well-spoken!"
"Suddenly his head filled with sudden clarity". Jeez, like terrible plotting, characterization, and everything else aside, Ben Shapiro is also just straight up terrible at the English language from every conceivable standpoint. The man went to law school and presumably took multiple college level English courses and this is the best he can do *with an editor*. This is the guy a large group of people think is a genius intellectual. Pure insanity.
For anyone not from the Detroit area, 8 Mile Road is the border between the actual City of Detroit and its northern suburbs. It's a major road that nearly all businesses, so hardly anyone lives on. It's also not a particularly bad part of town. If Ben had done more than Google Eminem songs, he'd have found out the bad parts of Detroit are much deeper in the city.
Not to mention it's one of the MOST policed areas of the city because you have both the suburban departments and the Detroit police departments patrolling it.
@@greg8106 -Especially- the suburban police. In my teenage years, I lived in one of the wealthier suburbs whose southern border was 8 Mile Road, and I'm honestly not sure how much of a joke in was that our police department's primary job was keeping black people south of 8 Mile.
Ben, just get it over with. Either go to the gym, swole up and join the army, or admit you're a coward and would rather write about the kind of person you wish you were.
When you force cops to live in the city they work in, it's better, but you just get "cop neighborhoods" that are for all practical purposes suburbs, tied by some long, thin, very technical thread to the city. Point being: they still don't live with the people they police
Ben Shapiro, ambition far far far outweighs talent. IF he wanted to real writer he should have went to Full Sail for a creative writing degree. Or this manuscript should be used like a Kobayashi Maru test from Star Trek but for editors and not Starship Captains.
This would be a very short book if Ben Shapiro only wrote about "things he understands". Do any of his characters have oddly strong opinions about fictional characters?
If Ben Shapiro wrote about what he knew, he'd write about a boorish loser with a lot of privilege who ends up doing right-wing propaganda because he's a miserable brat who can't satisfy his wife.
That background music is very distracting. Sounds like someone is banging sticks on everything in the studio. Glad it's only the intro music, that would have ruined this entire podcast.
Accidentally listening out of order. It turns out it does not matter.
Thanks, I scrolled down to try to figure out what the order was 😂
Im confounded as to why they did not number them
Gangs kick you out at 18...this was a common practice amongst the brutal 1980's gang "Menudo."
Don’t forget the human trafficking aspect of the Menudos😂
As a large, muscular, black male college graduate from Detroit, didn’t think I could dislike Bennifer Shaps any more than I already did; I was wrong, and I thank you for this opportunity to increase my level of hatred for the little weasel…🐭🐭🐭
Hello anti semite
I think you're a fraud. You didn't say your height or weight.
a real nasty lil' sucker. A perfect example of how small man syndrome can do terrible things to a human being...
This is not fair! Weasels do not deserve being associated with this shrimp cocktail of idiocy.
Just remember Ben Shapiro is shorter than a hobbit. Many theorize he is approximately four inches tall.
This whole book could be titled "Ben Shapiro Definitely Understands Things"
In 'lil Benny Shap's defense, all normal-sized people look like bears-of-men to him.
11:30 I can’t believe Ben actually accurately portrayed that cops give more of a fuck about saving themselves than children living lol
33:33 Underrated Sophie moment, so much love 💜
Robert: sorry, I got that wrong, I need to be fair to Ben Shapiro.
Sophie: ...do you?
I love how Ben just completely misses how utterly horrible the "sympathetic" characters he writes are. He went on a whole as monologue how that cop "is not going to die here in a gutter he had a life too sob sob" and he's just aiming at a 8 year old minding his own business? 💀
he doesn't sound like a fun person to be around ether
@@SgtKaneGunlockI dunno, he'd probably be hilarious to let talk and then ask him questions like "who is going to be buying flooded land?"
Provided, of course, that you can get him to stay and not switch topics, possibly with some sort of shock collar.
@@lnsflare1 nah, he'll just cite some study that when you go look it up and read it for yourself, it actually comes to the exact opposite conclusion to what Benny was arguing.
But you see that eight year-old child (who just happened to be black not that that was a factor at all in any way) had a bulge that *might* have *possibly* been a gun. So immediately reaching for his gun upon noticing there was an eight year-old there was justified. Just like if you see a brown child on a camel.
I doubt Ben meant or understood this, but that cop's monologue might be realistic, in spirit. In the dash cam from when Mr. Castille was killed (which is still up), the cop goes from calm to panic firing in 2 seconds (after being told about the conceal-carry). The cop is so jacked-up that he points his gun at the mom with her kid, screaming not to move. Now, we know Ben's not just bad with characters and plot, but also with authentic-seeming details. He may have been trying to narrate his cop's similar freak-out.
We could try saying "Ben, you know when you think you see a spider on your sandwich and you chuck it across the room? You're not thinking `it might be poisonous' or 'I don't want my hand to swell-up and get expensive anti-venom` or 'wait, it's just pumpernickel.` You're not thinking anything at the time. You didn't even decide to throw the sandwich. Use that to write your cop."
Imagining Ben's nasaly pipsqueak voice rapping Lose Yourself is... Well it's something.
Oh my fucking god we don’t need to imagine anymore he made a damn rap song
Who's got the AI skills for that? I want to hear it!! 😅
No matter how many times I think about this plot point, I'm always so boggled at just the sheer level of racism Ben would need to come up with this idea, that police shootings are the result of Black people entrapping police to justify anti-police protests. Like, wow, Ben really does that absolutely hate Black people, brown people, too, but Black people in specific. I'll also always laugh that Ben thinks "Don't Let Them Hornswaggle You" is a good presidental slogan. 15:45
57:39 in a book with so many ridiculous ideas the idea that Saudi Arabia, the country that is famously dependent on the oil trade, is funding American environmentalists somehow manages to be the most unbelievable one. How does he possibly come to that conclusion?!
Not that we should ever be generous to ol Benny, but I *think* the idea is that the Saudis are trying to shut down the competition, and using the environmentalists as a proxy. Granted, that's a stretch given that it is in no way actually explained, but it's the best I can come up with.
Ben missed perfect satire by not calling the kid a "super predator". Police in Hillary Clinton/ Democrat America are "too afraid to do their jobs". He could've said, "The democrats are the ones who focus on race, actually."
Ben even fails at writing propaganda. Smh
@bbrbbr-on2gd when Some Nore News' Cody J does the ep on Ladyballers he has a chapter where he shows that they even ruin their own points and then goes on to make their own points in a better way than they do just to clown them.
I loved this series. It's always good for a relisten when the episodes get too sad. Someone should write Brett Hawthorne fanfic.
A mock trailer would be great, too 😂😂😂
@@suzbonepreferably with a gruff-voiced announcer starting it off with “In a world…”
Lean in on the 'bear of a man' descriptor and make bret a gay icon
I can't imagine why Ben's TV writing career never took off, it just boggles the mind.
😂
What y'all are missing with Ben describing the kid being killed here: big Zardoz reference: "The gun is good. The penis is evil."
That's what he was going for. Lol
If it's cold enough to staunch bleeding then the cold is the real problem.
That transmission shop line makes me feel like he tried to change his own oil one time and didn't know to put an oil pan down so he just let it flow freely onto his driveway or street.
It's been really, really, really, really hard to select the absolute worst line from this literary abortion, but "So, you remember 9/11?" gets my vote.
...followed very closely by "the famed Hawthorn underbelly." That phrase alone deserves a wing of the Smithsonian devoted to how bad it is.
It will 9-11, times a thousand.
When you read a line like, "You remember XYZ?" that's like writing "As you know..."
@nakfoor1846 My God, but that's 911,000.
@@KesselRunner606I mean, it can be used, but only for things you’d expect the other party to have forgotten (like “Remember that new guy Pam brought with her to the party last month? Yeah, turns out he’s in jail for defenestrating a customer” or smg)
No, no, no!
Ben CAN NOT be Brett Hawthorne.
Warmbo has to be him! Can you imagine the beauty of that?!
^THIS
You read this so that I don't have to
Thanks for taking a bullet for me, babe
Ben gets the meaning of the quote from Hamlet wrong. It means that perspective changes everything. "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" Nothing in there about trust. What a dull boy Ben is.
Sure, but a Black character misunderstands/wrongly explains it. Do we credit BS with enough nuance to expect the reader to catch the misinterpretation and go, “this man thinks he’s educated but he’s still an idiot,”?
…as i typed all that, nah.
25:00 Being cold can stop *superficial* bleeding, since a lower body temperature causes capillaries in the skin to contract to preserve heat. Gunshots are pretty famous for being a bit more than just "superficial." No amount of cold will stop a ruptured liver from bleeding unless you were frozen solid.
9:25 "Illiterate bubble letters." Ben. Benathan Jenjamin Shapiro. If they are letters, do you think maybe they might be literate? Do you... do you think they're just random letters and the taggers don't know what they mean? Did you maybe mean "illegible," you illiterate? Which would be... *less* racist than this character just basically saying "yeah all these black people can't read or write." But still pretty bad. And either way really shows the value of community policing. Y'know. Like maybe having an armed man who has no knowledge of, or empathy for, the community he's policing; who has "given up on trying to decode that shit long ago"; might be... bad. Like he might maybe, i dunno, dehumanize these people he can't relate to, and, i dunno, hypothetically... pull a gun on an eight year-old and deliberately choose to shoot said eight year-old. With dead eyes. Like eight year-olds have. Those violent psychopaths.
Whereas someone who understands the area might do a better job policing it and serving that community than someone who could, all other issues aside, apparently be under a tag that means "buy your crack cocaine here from Ronald Joseph Mathers" accompanied by a phone number and SSN and not know who to book.
Like, thank you so much, conservatives, for your propaganda really highlighting how wrong you are.
Poor Benathan should read about Audie Murphy. I doubt it would make him feel better, but he was a notably small soldier.
You forgot to mention yet another surreal detail- the 8-year-old who gets shot is wearing a HOMER Simpson t-shirt. Not even a Bart shirt lol
It pisses me off that Ben says the Black eight-year-old the cops murder has "dead eyes". My mom's eyes are dark brown, and they're beautiful. Ben's opinion on dark brown eyes is lame and his taste sucks, dark brown eyes are fucking "dead".
This is the most detailed breakdown of the book I’ve heard (and I’ve listened to quite a few other ones) and just….Jesus. 🤦🏻♂️
It's pretty telling how Ben Shapiro feels the need to make every single opponent a caricature of a literal cartoon villain.
Also: His absolute ignorance about literally everything.
This story canonically takes place in the same universe as The Way of the Shadow Wolves.
i was so happy when i realized there actually _is_ a part 2 to this
I would add that the worship of the 'strong man' is usually about a longing for fascism. Which probably doesn't surprise anyone. Ben is Jewish - does he really think he'll be spared when the "the Jews will not replace us" comes around?
The only time I feel bad about being really short is when I think of people like Ben Shapiro. My coolness is not diminished by his desperate, angry energy, but like. Bro. Don't give us short kings a bad name, dude.
Don’t sweat it. I’m sure, you’re one of the good ones.
Can you guys do an episode on Ben Shapiro? This novel makes him sound really bad but I've never looked into him
One of the hosts of this episode, Cody Johnston, has a weekly satirical news show on TH-cam called “Some More News.” He’s done multiple dives into Ben Shapiro.
@callunas Ask and recieve! BEN---A Micro Novel, the sequel to Ben Shapiro's Novel.
Ben awoke to a sharp, localized pain on his hand. Bright lights and acoustical tiles filled his vision. Where was he? His head was restrained, and he was unable to move his limbs,
Suddenly his vision was filled with a blurry figure hovering above him. As his senses returned, he heard beeping and the gentle rustle of cotton and intermittent light clanging. Then, a voice.
"Hey Marge, he's coming out early; I'm going to need a few more minutes here to finish up..."
And then he slipped out of consciousness again.
"Brett! Brett!! We need another Chopper in here now. The Soviet CIA is taking over the Kremlin in Downtown Detroit. I need you to suddenly get in there with a sudden burst of M9 fire!"
Brett looked down again at the magazine in his teeth. He had forgotten to reload it since his time in the Mexican Taliban's prison pods. He had been too busy doing General Quarters and so his Military tasks were incomplete. He knew now that this was all or nothing---the Chinese had installed micro-nukes, something that the American CIA totally knew about, but that evaded border patrols and were now in every American home. The trigger was inside the Soviet Kremlin in Compton, Detroit, in the possession of the father of the kid that his cousin the Policeman had killed. He was really angry, his angry anger made angrier by his Islam.
"Screw it, I'm not going to die in Harlem, Detroit!!!" he screamed ponderously. He spit ouut the M9 magazine, and it clattered clumsily to the floor. He watched as a stream of golden bullets dripped down through a clear tube into his M9, the only gun his father had ever let him hold. The bullets dripped through the tube that entered into his hand, and straight into the barrell, sexily. For reasons he couldn't understand, his vision began to cloud and narrow. He could feel the flute that had been given to him by his first wife when he was trying to save the planet Kataan.
Brett felt like he was losing himself. He thought of Ellen, and his policeman, and big bears and short men with hairy chests that looked like a 5'5 teenage boy. He thought of his dog, a Siamese/Calico mix that was as burly as a bear-dog. He thought of Rice and sticks, his favorite meal, and of his favorite cartoons, Dilbert and Friends.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ben? Ben, can you hear me?"
He was confused. He was once again on his back, this time in a differently lit and appointed room. Why were they calling him Ben? His name was Brett, wasn't it? A Bear of a man, burly, really big, enormous and powerful.
He felt a dull throbbing at his temple. He struggled, but eventually was able to raise his hands to his head and could feel the stitches.
"Where the hell am I? And why are you calling me Ben? My name is Brett...wait...wait...what the fuck is wrong with my voice?"
"Ben, you'll remember. You were in an accident. You've been in a coma for days; and we had to perform emergency surgery to remove pressure on your brain. But you're going to be OK. Now, I need you to rest. I'll get someone up here to see you."
Ben was panicked. "Where's my M9? Where's Ellen?! "
"Ellen?" replied the doctor...I'll ask your wife. Is that a friend of yours?
Ben said nothing. Brett needed to rest, on account of the taxing nature of being so burly and strong.
-------------------------------------------
When Ben next awoke, he realized Brett was gone. He wasn't strong, nor was he a Hawthorne but a lowly Shapiro. The pressure on his brain had made him more of a man than he had ever been.
He had caught his reflection in the TV once it had been turned off of Fox's Steve Doocey. Rather than a burly man, his dimensions had flipped like John Kerry on a Swift boat. 5 foot six on a good day, 135 pounds, with a 4-5 pounds at the midsection that he now remembered that his wife called the "Shapiro Shuffle", and that eclipsed his view of his micropenis.
In the darkness he wanted to be Brett again. He wanted his M9. In the darkness, he wanted his best friend, Policeman. In the darkness, he yearned yearningly for the touch of Ellen. Most of all, in the darkness, he wanted to once again be burly and tall and strong, with a voice that sounded of a man and a force of will and power that commanded armies.
In the darkness, Ben stared at the metal tray that had been brought to him with a selection of bland foods. In the darkness Ben made a plan. In the darkness, Brett slammed the tray into his temple, over and over again, in hopes of rebirth.
FIN
I'm having a really bad time, but reading this made me laugh at the inside!!! You are amazing! I feel happier after reading this it was so funny and absurd. You have a true gift of writing funny satirical absurd but intelligent stories!!! Big ups to you!!
@@elishh8173 I'm so happy that it gave you a smile. And remember, all good things become bad, but also over time all bad things become good! Keep things in perspective: you might be having a tough time, but on the flip side, you could be Ben Shapiro and therefore subhuman, and so in contrast you are doing alright! Be well, internet friend.
Thank you 😅 wtf is wrong w/my voice? 🤣
This book gives off like five or six roentgens of Hitler particles every second.
Just for reference, how many roentgens of Hitler particles per second would Hitler himself give off?
I mean we did ACTUALLY sell Sadam weaponized smallpox WHAT MORE DOES HE WANT 😩
When you're Ben Shapiro, everyone looks like a Big Bear of a Man in comparison.
So hypothermia actually prevents your body from stopping bleeding.
While putting an ice cube on a scratch might temporarily slow the bleeding because the vessels will constrict, several clotting factors only properly work at normal body temperatures.
It's taught these days as part of the Lethal Triad, the Triad of Death, or sometimes the Lethal Diamond or the Diamond of Death (but they've been going back and forth on whether it's 3 factors or 4 for a while now).
I’m just listening to this episodes when I find them no order just like this shitty book. Trees died for this loathsome, small, insignificant creature’s words and I hate that.
I think Ben might’ve shoved five different book ideas into one because he knew no one would want to buy another after seeing how poorly written this is.
It would make a great movie.
Really speaks to Ben's privileged existence that he thinks the crime in Detroit is what it is because they have cops to spare to wait around an abandoned plant.
Flint native here.
I was held up at gunpoint while working at a pharmacy. After the assailant left we called the cops, then waited two hours. They called back and asked if we still needed them, (presumably because more dangerous situations were happening elsewhere).
There aren't enough cops to police any of these areas.
As someone from MN, I can vouch that’s how we treat our wounds in the winter- just go outside to stop the bleeding. It’s also why deer hunting is so treacherous- those oversized rats just won’t bleed out after first snow. ( 🤦🏼♀️)
Username checks out.
Also something people like Ben who live out in California won't understand is that being out im the cold is dangerous specifically because you can't feel how messed up your body is. Broken bones, open wounds, flipping frostbite!
Anyone who lives in a cold area is aware that you have to be extra careful to check yourself over when bits of ya start going numb in a potentially dangerous environment.
This is so bad that it's good. Love the Audiobook idea...let me read for the Bubba role!
I think when Ben Shapiro was writing the character of Levon, he patted himself on the back for making a black character quote Shakespeare...
"They can't call me racist. The crack dealer is so smart and well-spoken!"
51:51 Not only it's legal in Texas, but that's the state's symbol: a cowboy hat and a Colt 45.
Thanks to Katy for reminding me this was only one book lmao
"Suddenly his head filled with sudden clarity". Jeez, like terrible plotting, characterization, and everything else aside, Ben Shapiro is also just straight up terrible at the English language from every conceivable standpoint. The man went to law school and presumably took multiple college level English courses and this is the best he can do *with an editor*. This is the guy a large group of people think is a genius intellectual. Pure insanity.
Amazing, I'm learning so much ! Mostly that to avoid Ben Shapiro in all forms .
For anyone not from the Detroit area, 8 Mile Road is the border between the actual City of Detroit and its northern suburbs. It's a major road that nearly all businesses, so hardly anyone lives on. It's also not a particularly bad part of town. If Ben had done more than Google Eminem songs, he'd have found out the bad parts of Detroit are much deeper in the city.
Xenophobes and ignorami never do research, you silly goose!
Not to mention it's one of the MOST policed areas of the city because you have both the suburban departments and the Detroit police departments patrolling it.
@@greg8106 -Especially- the suburban police. In my teenage years, I lived in one of the wealthier suburbs whose southern border was 8 Mile Road, and I'm honestly not sure how much of a joke in was that our police department's primary job was keeping black people south of 8 Mile.
I'm pretty sure Beenie Shapeenie thought he'd written his "Bonfire of the Vanities", here.
Also pretty sure he's wrong about that.
Not knowing how the book ends my predictions is that their predictions are more coherent and 'better' than what is actually in the book.
Ben, just get it over with. Either go to the gym, swole up and join the army, or admit you're a coward and would rather write about the kind of person you wish you were.
When you force cops to live in the city they work in, it's better, but you just get "cop neighborhoods" that are for all practical purposes suburbs, tied by some long, thin, very technical thread to the city. Point being: they still don't live with the people they police
Ben Shapiro, ambition far far far outweighs talent. IF he wanted to real writer he should have went to Full Sail for a creative writing degree. Or this manuscript should be used like a Kobayashi Maru test from Star Trek but for editors and not Starship Captains.
Haha I LOVE this!!!! Hahahahaha how can a woman NOT find Ben cringe? I mean not cringe enough to marry him? Haha lol
Getting the impression ben is a wee bit self-conscious about his height.
This is truly one of the opuses of all times.
Where the rest?
There's another video released also 3 months ago (at time of writing).
If you search for “behind the bastards ben shapiro novel” I think all the episodes will pop up.
So Saddam was working with Iran the whole time? I knew it!
Yup. Making a fantasy world is the only way for Ben's conservatism to work.
What do you expect from a guy who is 5‘3“ but lists his height as 5‘10“?
This would be a very short book if Ben Shapiro only wrote about "things he understands". Do any of his characters have oddly strong opinions about fictional characters?
If Ben Shapiro wrote about what he knew, he'd write about a boorish loser with a lot of privilege who ends up doing right-wing propaganda because he's a miserable brat who can't satisfy his wife.
"Put some Bubba in your mouth"
This book would be awesome if every chapter ended with - and then he checked the magazine of his 9mm. "Damn empty."
GANG AGE
16:18
Im sorry, but you have a cohost that is really bad
Katie hand in marriage pls
Rather have no episode than a book episode
That background music is very distracting. Sounds like someone is banging sticks on everything in the studio. Glad it's only the intro music, that would have ruined this entire podcast.