Her insight is EXACTLY what I’ve been looking for. So little out there to help an anxious know how to handle and respond to a DA. Thais helps me remember who I am, what I deserve and fight to stay strong.
Instead of contorting yourself into a pretzel to have a DA give you a response, time or attention, be with a an emotionally available partner who is capable of being in a healthy dynamic.
Don’t abandon yourself to get a text back. If you’re going to work on yourself, do it because you want to be the best version, not so you can be okay when you don’t get a text back for weeks. I sent my DA person a text on Christmas, it was warm and light hearted. I never got a response back. That’s ok, but that’s not the kind of dynamic I prefer. I don’t wish to do all the emotional labor. Put yourself first people! You’re worthy of love, open communication, valuable!! Don’t repress your needs. Don’t people please: Ask yourself is this meeting your needs? Does this relationship feel fulfilling? Am I doing something to gain this persons attention? Is this person supporting me? Am I supporting them? Is this person collaborating with me? Is there mutual reciprocity?
Great comment! I struggle with feeling that my needs are not valid, that they are too much cause I would want daily texting for example. I think its so easy to think that, yes I am a bit damaged, therefor I should do what other people can do or put up with. Like, I should be able to not get a text every day, cause 'demanding' that would just show me as being a needy/not healthy person. Where is the line between your needs and maybe having needs that are destructive? Just some thoughts. :)
@@mifinedrefined7446 Do you want to text every day because you enjoy talking to this person, or you need validation and approval/ and that you’re not being abandoned.
Fuck that. I am secure and can tell you right off if communication on a regular basis is important then dating a dismissive avoidant at all is abandoning yourself. You have to accept that thats who they are and look for people that naturally jive with you. Dont bs yourself into thinking you can tolerate it. It will drive you insane.
This is exactly the conclusion I’m reaching myself. I’m finally secure and encountering my first DA While dating. There’s no way around it that I can see. I deserve an healthy open partner. Period.
Thais, this video was so empowering for me as a FA. I have been unable to move on from a DA ex and was fantasizing about how things would be different ‘next time’. The reality is he wasn’t willing to compromise and meet my needs when it came to communication and affection. I am now going forward with eyes wide open 💞
Same for me. It is hard grieving the relationship. Accepting they aren’t doing any work or willing to compromise is a hard pill to swallow. But, you know for yourself that working on your attachment style and moving passed them is what’s healthiest and best for you 💯 Bittersweet. Saying goodbye to someone you love but choosing to put yourself before pleasing them.
Yep, I've fallen into the self-abandonment trap many times. You end up exhausting yourself because you spend all your energy trying to make yourself seem 'valuable' to someone else to get their attention. I found communicating my needs scary at first (and there's so much BS advice out there that says do the opposite) but I was pleased with the respect I got when I stated what I needed in a mature way :)
My DA ex mentioned how he missed going camping with the kids and doing family stuff and how he’d like to go this weekend and I literally almost dropped everything completely forgot about good friends I made plans to go to the beach with. I am very AA but this is the first time I stopped and realized what I was doing and that I wasn’t showing up for my self or the other areas in my life. It felt good to realize this. I was proud of me 😀 thank you for this channel
I agree. I stopped messaging and have dropped all of the friends that do not make an effort to reach out to me on a more equal basis. These people also made simple promises that they did not keep e.g., changing their mind at the last minute after agreeing to meet up for a coffee or lunch. I do not have the courage to confront them because somehow I never learned how to do that (and somehow it seems like I would simply be complaining), but at least now I am removing myself from situations that are not fulfilling.
@@shellebel1 you haven't accomplished much. Address your issues. Ask someone for help how to articulate your thoughts. The main point of this video is that you are the main character, not the other person.
@@morehn yes, I am the main character and therefore I choose who and what I let into my life. Overly self-centered people are not worth my energy or peace of mind. Relationships take two people who show interest and concern for each other. I've simply stopped trying to fill empty holes.
@@shellebel1 you wouldn't have a problem confronting anyone in that case. Sounds like you play between being tough and then a doormat. You're entitled to tell someone you felt like you were good friends and really enjoyed their company but you feel like you put in effort to create a healthy relationship but they leave you feeling like they're not interested and that it hurts you. There's no downside to that.
@@morehn I think my bigger problem is trying to be friends with narcissists. It doesn't matter what I feel-it falls on deaf ears. Thank you for your advice but it doesn't apply to my situation.
For as bad rep as the DAs get, I am so thankful for them because had I not met them I probably would still be people-pleasing and swallowing and repressing my feelings and needs. Even though it was a hard experience, I wouldn't change it because it made me better, it has led me towards you and all these amazing resources. It has helped me become more and more secure, which I love! Had I stayed with other guys I probably would never have been pushed to actually become aware of and break out of these unhealthy patterns and protection mechanisms. It's nice to shake them off and start from a new vantage point. I'm very grateful!
WOW! I needed to hear this. I love my DA so much she is so precious but it is so hard how slow she is to respond, the steps we take are tiny and the space she needs is long. BUT as you said, the time apart i have worked on myself and my deep deep anxious issues. It seems like you have done the same. It is a weird spirtual healing, almost divine but at the same time very hard and challenging and i guess thats whats makes it both beautiful and painful, but something to be grateful of. I am here with you and agree with you totally.
With DAs especially, texting is usually a copout for having to deal with the other person's emotions or response and a way of distancing themselves. That is something I find particularly enraging. When a DA just dumps their stuff all over me by text and then won't pick up the phone or meet up in person to deal with the issue, I'm out. But I've noticed APs will do this as well. Nothing makes me feel more manipulated than someone communicating with me in a way that deliberately hampers my ability to communicate back and make myself understood. I generally regard texting as the coward's way out of dealing with issues in a relationship and it loses my respect for someone very quickly if they are unwilling to be more direct and available for my emotions and response.
Completely agree. Texting is the normal way of communicating right now, because people in general are not able no more to talk each other. Whatsapp and Telegram are destroying our humanity
I think long term friendships where someone ghosts you is even worse. Having to ask someone to treat you right (not even contacts you often) makes you feel like a super needy human. I think life is easy for these people. Because they don't care and just live in their bubble. I imagine DA is more likely to end up very lonely in life. But no idea Iif it will even make them sad.
I feel like I’m abandoning myself when I have someone in my life who won’t respond to texts. If I do decide to keep them in my life, which I’m seriously thinking about removing them, I’m just going to mirror their text patterns. We’re not to the point where I feel like I can communicate my needs and rather than waiting on a text, I just won’t. I’m an FA & kinda avoidant but this is even getting to me.
Thank you for this. Just this morning I had to tell my partner that the reason why our texts always seem to turn towards the direction of an argument is because we dont get to spend enough time together conversing so when texting it can is very easy to misinterpret the emotions and intentions of what is being said because of the lack of tone and body language
DA ghost/flake/stonewall for long periods, then come back and don't really have a good reason, and they act like nothing is wrong. It's so frustrating for others to put up with. U don't know if u did something wrong to them, or they have some other issue they are dealing with, but don't want to tell u. *sigh.....
I've been broken up with my ex DA, and I wish I knew this sooner, because I did abandon myself trying to people please! Which btw is not my norm. I loved what you said about a friend giving advice about rewording the response, because I would most definitely have responded with.... "Why do I have to change or bend over backwards for them!" Great advice thank you!
Thais, i don't know if you read all your comments on here, but if you do, i wanted to wish you a happy new year! Boy are you such a great help! You have helped me develop into a better person, but also helped me not personalize others behaviors. I wish i found you earlier lol. What a great woman you are :)
What I end up feeling is like I don't matter which causes me to severely distance myself or ghost if it happens multiple times. That way I am protecting myself from being constantly yo-yod. Then again, perhaps I am abandoning in return because I feel abandoned.
When they don’t text for over a month when they previously texted almost every day. Why should you try to message someone who abandoned you? Best to let it be.
Thais, thank you SO SO much from the bottom of my heart. I started watching your videos summer 2020 and learned so much from you about my fear of abandonment. It was because of that fear that I let a DA string me along and treat me like complete shit for years. He was verbally abusive and neglectful. I was caught in a cycle of knowing I deserved better but not wanting to give up on our bond. I chose him and “us” over and over while I abandoned myself (the way my mother did). After 5 years I got the guts to end things last night. And you know what? he just let me go. Just like that. No fight. No asking me to stay. Just easily. I’m hurt beyond belief but I feel so free. I feel so proud of myself for standing up for me. Thank you for arming me with the knowledge and understanding I needed to reach this point.
You’re so strong p 💜💜 your days are going to get so much brighter since you are realizing your self worth! I admire your strength on walking away because it’s not easy!
My ex broke up with me after ten years bc of a conflict . All these years i tried to please him and make excuses for being neglected and invalidated. The same behaviour had my dad and it was familiar to me.
@@sandrae2319 I wish I could say I’m completely over it, but it’s like poison leaving the body --it hurts as it leaves. It doesn’t help that he calls and messages every so often either. I still think of him most days but it doesn’t hurt like it use to. I remind myself every day that I am worthy of effort.
I would also like to say it's perfectly normal to miss someone and to *want* to talk to them, but if you're anxious waiting, or try to do anything for their attention then that's bad
Oh my, just talked about this with my therapist today. The part with the subconscious part with having a kind of familiar zone of space is powerful. I'm so grateful to feel validated in your videos, like I'm not the only one functioning like this.
I tell them I don't like playing hide and seek. I don't like this type of relationship and play games. I expect consistency both ways. I don't need a roller coaster. It's not good for me and I'm not interested in it.
it is crucial to teach people how to break up and how to walk away from something that isn't healthy. 99% of all "Dating Coaches" want you to be stuck in this endless dynamic of push and pull with yet another "trick to get your ex back" and another "change your behavior to attract your ex partner". This is literally the worst! There is no point in being with a dynamic with an unaware DA, you cannot change anybody. There is only one chance you have with a DA: they need to be in therapy and working on themselves. DAs make even secure folks super anxious, this is normal. Been there, done that. I am pretty secure and stable but sometimes DA make me anxious and nervous although I know the whole dynamic. When I recognize my own reaction to them I usually just end things and walk away.
Thank you, Thais. This was a much needed reminder. I'm an FA who's dating a social DA/FA leaning DA and we've progressed so much since I started watching your videos back in July. However, last night I had a big FA meltdown due to her not texting me back in hours when I asked about her plans, fueled by being upset that she rather spent New Year's Eve with her friends than with me 😪 (Fear of rejection, being excluded and being disliked are big core wounds of mine 😞) Now I realise I totally abandoned myself and had a miserable and lonely NYE when I could have had a lovely, cosy night in and enjoyed my solitude! Of course it doesn't change the fact that it's perfectly okay and normal to want to spend NYE with your girlfriend. I shouldn't beat myself up for being hurt and disappointed, especially since what happened last night triggered three of my biggest core wounds. Yesterday I felt starved for her company, but now I want to push her away and not talk to her for awhile. Typical FA behaviour, I guess? 🙃 I feel the need for space and I think it's healthy to take a couple of days to sort out my head before seeing her--and to communicate it to her IF she reaches out to me. Fortunately we did have a short but healthy chat last night so we didn't end the year on a bad note. However, today after some of the sadness has passed I have begun to feel angry at her for excluding me from her NYE's plans--maybe because I don't feel that included in her life in general? But I don't know if I have the right to be angry--it's her life and if she doesn't want me in it that's her choice. And I can choose differently myself too. I really don't know what to do.. Except to begin the new year by rewatching some of your older videos! 😅 Happy 2021 everyone! ✨
Same story here. But I actually shuted down. Well didn’t go well. I accused him for pretending and then when he said he was not I wasn’t responding anymore. U can guess right? He didn’t texted either anymore... 2 weeks silence now. Feel pretty guilty but scared to reach out.
There’s a woman out there who will plan the holidays as early as September (or earlier) so that the two of you can spend this special time together. Keep your options open, she’s not the be all and end all of everything.
@@mumbualove Thanks for your advice 😊 I will keep that in mind, but right now I feel like I want to commit to this relationship and see where it goes. Dreaming about something better and walking out when things get tough has been my modus operandi for years but I'd like to try something different this time. Ours is not a perfect relationship by any means, but over the past 8 months we have both learned to communicate better and I know her avoidant behaviour doesn't come from a mean-spirited place. After New Years she actually asked me to be more open with her about my needs. We try to meet in the middle. Despite the hardships (or maybe thanks to them!) I can see that our relationship has been beneficial for my psychological and spiritual development.
Thais, I love this format to opening a respectful discussion of my needs without cause the other person to feel pressured, shame, or stunned, when we reached our limit! (1) What do I need to have to feel fulfilled (and safe) in a relationship? (2) What is a fair standard for this need in a relationship? Define it. (3) If not being met, say, "Hey, I notice we are doing X. And, I get a lot out of Y. I prefer to C. How do you feel about that?". Namaste 🙏
Oh my gosh 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ these talks are so good. I am dating one of these right now and I need to walk away, but there is this chemistry I have only felt 1 other time in my life and that wasn't my ex husband...it was my best friend that I dated. I cant2seem to shake this guy...i expressed the way he made me feel about myself recently (confused, hot then cold behavior, everything on his time, late night hang outs...and that I have so much to offer...I don't deserve that behavior, i don't deserve to not have the same effort put into me as I put into him) so this was one of the only times he responded quickly...saying I do deserve the world, im beautiful, i deserve my efforts to be reciprocated and he asked if we could still be friends...I said yes, but im removing the sex because emotionally I can't handle it. So all of a sudden he starts making SO much effort...way more than he ever has...and here i am thinking..okay..maybe he's realizing he needs to stop being so afraid of what we actually have together...?...one week of consistent communication and seeing each other...today >> nothing. No response to my text from 10am...its now almost 8pm...nothing. i feel like im going crazy...i need to walk away.
Was promised a text within the end of the week to arrange a date with an avoidant. It’s Friday night, and no word from them. This would be our 4th date. I feel like I’m being ghosted. They know very well that I come from a history of domestic abuse and that it takes a lot for me to trust someone. They know very well that I had chosen to trust THEM. Well, guess what? Regardless of this, they’re still having the nerve to break my trust. Sorry, too late. I’m done.
I don’t communicate true text hardly with my DA I am an FA I write letters or send him usb sticks since I feel safe to express my feelings that way. Texting stresses me out cause of all expectations and it feels to fast to close. I need space and time to understand my feelings and to be able to express them. I feel pressured by texting so I found other strategies to communicate. Thank you Thais for all you knowledge and experience it really helps me continue growing and enveloping true my life and relationships in a healthy way. ❤️🌹🌷
Wow, Thais! Thank you so much - this was so powerful. I am so so happy to be at this place now. PDS brings real change. I’ve been in the school since April and still have so much work to do- but have already changed the quality of my life and the relationship to myself, radically! ❤️ thank you for your service to the world, Thais! Your work and your compassion truly saved me from myself. Wow! So excited for the text series !!! 😯 - setting boundaries respectfully via text -conflict resolve via text with a conflict avoidant who won’t do phone call or in person -disagreeing with someone via text -responding to someone disagreeing with you via text -apologizing via text -courting via text :) that’d be all for now- just throwing out ideas :)
😂. With me its not like I'm waiting like an AA would but sometimes i want to know whats up either way whether its i dont want to talk to you anymore or giving some kind of a response as to whats going on
These videos are so helpful and applicable... Also, they're almost common-sense in a way, but at the same time a lot of this info isn't very intuitive and that's why it's good to have people like Thais explain it and help guide us in the right direction. Thank you, Thais! 🙂
Wow that was powerful. Forget texting more important the subconscious level wanting comfort familiarity and how it attracts/ keeps us attracting people that cant meet our needs..... or just repeats the same familar comforts. HOW DO WE OVERVOME THAT??? That's what's key. Being aware of this and what to do. No therapist no one had ever said it so simple and clear before. Thanks. Talk more on changing subconscious to get what we really do want.
I love this video so much for the self empowerment of it. The problem I have is that you say you should be able to ask them something that is reasonable. But when I’m leaning AA I’m rarely reasonable. I want daily texts, and then I want morning texts and then evening texts and then phone calls. It’s like every time I share what I want I then want more and more. I can’t seem to receive when my DA does give me. I am pretty good at sharing what I need. I have just realized that I’m unreasonable with what I need when I’m leaning AA. I actually abandoning myself by asking for more and more texts because with any normal relationship I don’t need daily texts. But I’m insecure with new guys and so asking for more is actually abandoning myself. And that’s what I’m trying to work on.
Your needs and wants should be reasonable and realistic, and since you’re so self-aware, you know that you’re not reasonable, you need to work on becoming more secure. It’s not your partners job to make you happy. It’s your job, you should be coming to the relationship with a full cup of love. And even assuming if you’re a secure individual and would still want texts all day, this is proving that this person is not compatible with you
You need to work on becoming more secure is like saying “do better”. Yea obviously that’s the goal haha. And I know you don’t know me so you don’t know the months I’ve spent in PDS. But I’m merely stating that not asking for what you want isn’t always self abandonment. Sometimes it’s the other way around. I would hear stuff like this for years and assume I was in the right. Asking for what I want. No one was ever good enough for me. I had such high standards. But again we’re told to keep asking so I kept asking. And no one could live up to my needs. Because they’re unreasonable, they’re not needs they’re wounds. So I wanted to say in the comments for others struggling with the opposite that I’m with them too.
@@JenniferNoble09 yes they are wounds. I guess you have to ask yourself do you want to text daily because you enjoy speaking to that person, or do you need to text in order to know that you won’t be abandoned, and you need validation. You have correctly identified that standards can be wounds.
Not to please them but I was working on myself to not deactivate strongly out of hurt and holding space for possible things going on with the other person, but it's gone on enough that no amount of my patience will change it. I worried I was just trying to deactive to escape the pain when I thought about having a hard conversation with them. I see now that it's just me setting boundaries and it's what I must do. Thank you for this video, Thais!
I am a FA and have been in a relationship with a DA for a few months and have already left and come back multiple times. I have watched him try to do things that help with how triggered I feel by our different relationship expectations. We touch base at least once a day. I get a good morning text every morning. There are some days I feel very connected to him and we text back and forth half the day. But other weeks like most people he is busy and tries to balance and I see that but I still get triggered. I am having a hard time with that hard line of what I need because I don’t think what I feel I need is fair to ask of him or healthy for any relationship. I can’t have attention all the time. he has reassured me multiple times that he loves me.. and all of me, even the me that is triggered and runs away atleast once a month. I actually believe him 2 so so don’t know why it’s so painful. So I feel torn of what I should do and how to both draw the line of what I need and respect the fact that he needs his own space and time because of his triggers. Any advice?
The funny thing is I did stop dating to heal. I wasn't the one with the shenanigans. I was the one trying to work through my issues and not take them out on the person I date. Come to find out, he was lying to and dating several different women, including myself, all at the same time. So it was probably my own intuition, not my issues that had me feeling so insecure, It's really telling of who you are as a person that you will jump on a year old post of someone asking for advice and instead judge them and criticize them. You should probably work on yourself nothing more unattractive than an ugly heart.
@@lorivinal @Lori Vinal Perfect! See how prioritizing YOU resolved the issue? Had you not, you'd still be in the dynamic. He would have kept lying, you would have kept being triggered, you would have found out and likely stayed! You would have gone into pick me mode!!!! Now, you are competing with other women etc. Just stuck in drama! Focusing on your healing set you free, gave you space to stabilize, and the truth was revealed! Now that you healed, you can be level headed in relationships. You can watch their behavior and see if it meets your needs. If it doesn't, you can communicate your needs and move on. Imagine if you were stable and firm in your boundaries in the beginning? Do you think you would have really stayed for all of his shenanigans? Probably not. You would think, " hey, I like this guy but I need xyz, and he isn't showing up how i need." Done and done. His reasons for not showing up are irrelevant. You just have to hold your standard.
Heehee shenanigans. What a pity he turned out to be a bad one - but that happens to the best of us, some ppl are good at hiding it and talking around it.
This was a great video. I tried to make it work with someone but after 3 months I was done. I have been kind but I feel he will not understand his lack of communication will kill every relationship. He never asks anyone 'How are you' and constantly communicates through memes. It is strange and I thought it was overwhelming at first but I know he is very caring. It was a hard dynamic but end of the day I suffered and I hope one day he wakes up I guess! I tried to communicate what I need and he won't understand till he gets therapy. He cannot even carry a conversation on the phone and it was so disappointing even though I could see myself love him and grow in other aspects.
My issue has always been when his behaviour is inconsistent. We've known each other for 5,5 years and he's often hot and cold. After a tragedy in his life 2 years ago we gradually became closer. Recently he began feeling very good about his life and himself. Suddenly he wanted to see me more often, he replied faster and was more on the "hot" side over all. So three weeks ago he told me he loves me and that he always has, but been so scared of disappointing me and my son, and that he's often worried that he'd lose me, that he finally went too far with pushing me away. When I brought up my feelings and thoughts from the past 5 years he took it as criticism. He began pushing me away in a new way and Tuesday last week he left me on read in a middle of a conversation. I feel like I'm back to how it was before the tragedy happened. I had reached a good place where I felt calm with our "friends with benefits" situation, I had made peace with him not having the same feelings for me, etc. And now he's changed the whole dynamic and I don't know what to do. Almost immediately after telling me he loves me he added "but I believe you can love several people" and he also said "Do we have to put titles on what we are?" I told him that I do. Said I'm not in a hurry, but I'm not waiting a year for him to finally commit. It's been a confusing time these past weeks and I'm at a loss what to do. I feel like he's gone cold again and that I'm once again the only one vulnerable, which makes me feel weak and scared and want to run. 🤷🏻♀️
RUN. One thing you can NEVER get back is time. You DO NOT want to be 45 or 50 wishing you had time you lost with this loser. And yes, I know that was harsh, but in terms of partner potential, the potential is ONLY in your mind. His actions are that of a wounded 3 year old.
As a DA, I can say this totally applies to friendships as well as relationships. In the dating phase, I prefer to have actual dates, and not to chat in between during the week. It feels like an imposition to get texts from a stranger...I don’t even know if I like you yet, so why would I want to text you? I reserve that for my friends or someone I’m in love with. If I’m developing feelings, or I like you enough to get into a committed relationship, or you have become a close friend, then that is when daily texting can feel good or is something to negotiate.
Yes - agreed.. I’m busy and when I like you I still might be too busy but I will probably tell you I am rather than just not give you my time and energy
If your too busy to be in a relationship then don't be in one simple. 20 percent of your time is a side piece, stop playing games only an insecure fool puts up with that and thinks it's ok, secure people are gone. X 😭🤣🤣 this is a red flag I look for in-between dates if someone is not texting in between dates, they have low investment, who will be happy dating that other than a stone, the texting helps to connect but I forget, avoidants don't want connection only on there terms.
Yeah this channel kinda assumes the best of DA's, which is good to think positive, but go to any other channel or read comments on this vid or any vid and you see that most DA's just can't bring themselves to want to work on them
Wow! Bang on :) I saw this video at the perfect moment. Im going through this situation with someone new that I like. Its so crazy how the self abandonment people pleasing pattern is so alive in me and Yea it feels really nice and comfortable too lol ... but not healthy
I'm loving these videos. My only feedback is to do less plugging. Every video is riddled with your personal advertisements and it feels abrasive when it's so much. Maybe tiny plugs or just less of the advertisements.
If it's a text regarding smth that we need a reply on, where we've called but they didn't answer and we leave them a msg, hoping for a fast reply. I feel like people would still be able to see our chat pop ups when they're online on their phone but working. This is the kind of situation that makes me really anxious. When you really need the person, but they're just not there
First of all I love that you do these videos and I have hope for my marriage again! My time will come when I can take the whole program, and I hope that is very soon! Is there any advise on if I approach a male dismissive avoidant and tell him he is one or is there a video in how to get some dialogue going?
Came to this channel after been recently ghosted out of a friendship by a DA/FA. We have / had a long distance friendship, so texting was our only communication and he doesn't text his very best mate for MONTH sometimes. Something I wasn't okay with, as I want to be close to my friends and share what's happening in my life and wanted to get to know him better. Plus, sometimes I needed research help from him for my book or just wanted a reply because he also has mental health issues and knowing where his depression is atm was important to me. Here is what we came up with and it worked for both of us like a charm for almost 8 month, maybe it helps someone who reads this and is in a similar situation, too. It was my idea, but he really seemed to feel good about it. The aggreement was: "If you see a questionmark in the preview, you have to read and reply timely, meaning in the next 24 hours." As the SA/AP part, it's on us of course to not misuse this agreement and trick them into a pattern of texting we like, which of course needs a lot of self-conciousness. Sometimes I had a question but it wasn't time sensetive, so I would text something like (Questionmark rule does not apply in this text) and then proceed with the question and things like that seemed to make him actually way more confident in answering even no-questionmark messages.
I told my DA that I needed more communication from him (texting) he stepped up and starting communicating more. Some days he falls a little short but most days I hear from him in the morning and evening. I feel like he has not really made that connection with me yet so I look for ways to prove that he does like me. Even if it’s the littlest of things. I want to tell him to text me whenever he wants so that way I can get a gage of how much he is thinking of me or how much he likes me but I don’t want to deprive myself either. I also don’t want to be confusing to him. What should I do ? I feel like I’m forcing him to text me
Isn't true that sometimes people don't get the response they want in texting because they themselves are texting only the boring hi how's your day going type of texts? Can you address how to text in a way that increases connection and supports relationship growth?
It still doesn't lead anywhere if the other person doesn't engage. If you get one liners or no questions back it's not a conversation. I have a DA friend that I will text and sometimes get a reply 2 days later. I might have been in the mood for a great conversation then and there.. but after 2 days? Why even bother. I crave long deep conversations rather than "how are you" and ending it there. But of course the small talk is usually the tool to get to these conversations.. if they stick around that is.
Thank you ever so much for this channel, it helps so much. I struggle with feeling that my needs are not valid, that they are too much cause I would want daily texting for example. I think its so easy to think that, yes I am a bit damaged, therefor I should do what other people can do or put up with. Like, I should be able to not get a text every day, cause 'demanding' that would just show me as being a needy/not healthy person. Where is the line between your needs and maybe having needs that are destructive?
I think a good way to draw the line is to consider if you would be able to give what you are asking for if it was asked of you. Also, I think being aware of the reasons for your desires or needs.
Immediately. You can discuss it as a question. What's your preferred or normal text pattern. However, I would argue that you refrain from texting altogether. Unless you are communicating something that literally does not require response. Pick up the phone and talk or video chat with the person. Texting is not communication
I love your videos and the contect you are producing and thank you so much for your time and effort. I am also visiting your older videos. They are amazing. Is there a way to improve sound quality of the older videos?
I don't understand. When the DA is not texting does that mean that their partner is supposed to text them? I thought they want distance, therefore we give them distance by not contacting them. Which would mean that they are the ones who will approach us whenever they feel their need for distance was fulfilled. Is there something I am missing?
We don’t want distance, we just don’t want people getting close prematurely cuz it doesn’t feel genuine. Frequency increases over time...you don’t go from strangers to best friends/relationship overnight
@@np5462 lo!! I would agree but after 3:years of being with a DA previously still texted once a week or every 3 days if your lucky, I just replied four days later or never at all he never asked why so I got a new boyfriend who is normal and now my husband and texts every day , I'm secure DA who is 50 can't help if they don't wanna change. He's upset I'm married now and doesn't understand how I moved on so quickly, do me a favour after three years of that I'd moved on way before and he was still stuck, feel sorry for him he will end up dying alone, each to there own. Xx
I think it will trigger the DA that he is being criticised. Unless it is introduced very carefully and sensitively worded which I'm still trying to figure out🤔🤔
@@warmhart2034 Same. I'm also trying to figure that out in a way that I don't trigger something from him yet plant a seed of idea enough for him to ponder.
Sorry if this has been addressed before but how do avoidants approach texting? Are the pretty regular at the start and then deviate from the baseline when things get serious or do they begin detached and warm up ?
Pretty much. At start he was texting me regularly, everyday good morning etc etc we would text throught the day (ofc not every minute, but it was fine) and as we grew closer it started to get less and less to the point where we stopped communicating lol
At times, when their defenses are down, they will initiate and carry on with text convo. Then pull back for days after realising what they've just done - letting their guard down and showing more care than they planned 🙁
Mine always took days and weeks to respond from the very beginning. Now that I really think back I had an issue with it and brought it to her attention and she said all I had to do is communicate that I want us to talk more and when I did nothing changed. I’m going into year 2 and it’s still be consistent. The only time communication is consistent is when we are in each other’s face. So intentionally don’t call or text.
I like this. Most dating coaches use women n this situation and although don't out right say you need to change you thrg basically do that i. Their program lol. Most people fint teach women who are in ghis dynamic how to speak their needs. Glad u do
I usually just feel like I'm not up to provide that validation. Some sort of 'I'm fundamentally bad and incapable'. Might distance myself because of it, but it's internal, has nothing to do with the other person per se.
Is there ways you recommend besides the whole blanket topic of working on your anxious attachment style but like you mentioned in the video the idea behind abandoning our selves and coming into a relationship half empty. I learned about my attachment style post my last relationship and have done alot of inner work. Not sure how I would show up now besides finding courage to be as vocal as possible.
Same story here. But I actually shuted down. Well didn’t go well. I accused him for pretending and then when he said he was not I wasn’t responding anymore. U can guess right? He didn’t texted either anymore... 2 weeks silence now. Feel pretty guilty but scared to reach out. Could have some tips what to do
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Name one person who has profoundly changed your life this year:
Thais Gibson
:)
I'm so impressed with Thais that I'm going to try her PDS !
me too. she's amazing. life changer.
Her insight is EXACTLY what I’ve been looking for. So little out there to help an anxious know how to handle and respond to a DA. Thais helps me remember who I am, what I deserve and fight to stay strong.
Instead of contorting yourself into a pretzel to have a DA give you a response, time or attention, be with a an emotionally available partner who is capable of being in a healthy dynamic.
Yes!!
Literally this
🤣🤣🤣👌🏽
Where they at though lol
THAT PART.
Don’t abandon yourself to get a text back. If you’re going to work on yourself, do it because you want to be the best version, not so you can be okay when you don’t get a text back for weeks. I sent my DA person a text on Christmas, it was warm and light hearted. I never got a response back. That’s ok, but that’s not the kind of dynamic I prefer. I don’t wish to do all the emotional labor. Put yourself first people! You’re worthy of love, open communication, valuable!!
Don’t repress your needs. Don’t people please:
Ask yourself is this meeting your needs?
Does this relationship feel fulfilling?
Am I doing something to gain this persons attention?
Is this person supporting me? Am I supporting them?
Is this person collaborating with me? Is there mutual reciprocity?
100% Agree with you!
Your comments are always a great supplement to these videos. Thanks for sharing your insight, I find it very helpful.
Great comment! I struggle with feeling that my needs are not valid, that they are too much cause I would want daily texting for example. I think its so easy to think that, yes I am a bit damaged, therefor I should do what other people can do or put up with. Like, I should be able to not get a text every day, cause 'demanding' that would just show me as being a needy/not healthy person.
Where is the line between your needs and maybe having needs that are destructive?
Just some thoughts. :)
@@mifinedrefined7446 Do you want to text every day because you enjoy talking to this person, or you need validation and approval/ and that you’re not being abandoned.
@@SK-no2pp Both. But I think its a bit more about validation and approval cause I get really anxious otherwise.
Breadcrumbs keep us hungry and anxious. It’s hard to identify when you’re abandoning yourself. This video was very helpful.
When you’re hungry, you’ll lick crumbs from knives. Don’t let anyone emotionally starve you.
11000%!!!
"When you're abandoning yourself..." WHEW!
@@SK-no2pp 🗣🗣🗣🗣🙏🏾
@@SK-no2pp word
Fuck that. I am secure and can tell you right off if communication on a regular basis is important then dating a dismissive avoidant at all is abandoning yourself. You have to accept that thats who they are and look for people that naturally jive with you. Dont bs yourself into thinking you can tolerate it. It will drive you insane.
This is exactly the conclusion I’m reaching myself. I’m finally secure and encountering my first DA While dating. There’s no way around it that I can see. I deserve an healthy open partner. Period.
THANK YOU!!
Wowww thank you
Quote everything. My FA whore is driving me crazy, I'm really bored with her
Two years later from when you wrote this: THANK YOU.
I love when Thais said "if you're seeing this pattern now, you can BET it's not going to get better in time" :)
Thais, this video was so empowering for me as a FA. I have been unable to move on from a DA ex and was fantasizing about how things would be different ‘next time’. The reality is he wasn’t willing to compromise and meet my needs when it came to communication and affection. I am now going forward with eyes wide open 💞
Same for me. It is hard grieving the relationship. Accepting they aren’t doing any work or willing to compromise is a hard pill to swallow. But, you know for yourself that working on your attachment style and moving passed them is what’s healthiest and best for you 💯
Bittersweet. Saying goodbye to someone you love but choosing to put yourself before pleasing them.
Yep, I've fallen into the self-abandonment trap many times. You end up exhausting yourself because you spend all your energy trying to make yourself seem 'valuable' to someone else to get their attention.
I found communicating my needs scary at first (and there's so much BS advice out there that says do the opposite) but I was pleased with the respect I got when I stated what I needed in a mature way :)
My DA ex mentioned how he missed going camping with the kids and doing family stuff and how he’d like to go this weekend and I literally almost dropped everything completely forgot about good friends I made plans to go to the beach with. I am very AA but this is the first time I stopped and realized what I was doing and that I wasn’t showing up for my self or the other areas in my life. It felt good to realize this. I was proud of me 😀 thank you for this channel
This is really good, and I think applies to friendship too and not just dating relationships.
I agree. I stopped messaging and have dropped all of the friends that do not make an effort to reach out to me on a more equal basis. These people also made simple promises that they did not keep e.g., changing their mind at the last minute after agreeing to meet up for a coffee or lunch. I do not have the courage to confront them because somehow I never learned how to do that (and somehow it seems like I would simply be complaining), but at least now I am removing myself from situations that are not fulfilling.
@@shellebel1 you haven't accomplished much. Address your issues. Ask someone for help how to articulate your thoughts.
The main point of this video is that you are the main character, not the other person.
@@morehn yes, I am the main character and therefore I choose who and what I let into my life. Overly self-centered people are not worth my energy or peace of mind. Relationships take two people who show interest and concern for each other. I've simply stopped trying to fill empty holes.
@@shellebel1 you wouldn't have a problem confronting anyone in that case. Sounds like you play between being tough and then a doormat.
You're entitled to tell someone you felt like you were good friends and really enjoyed their company but you feel like you put in effort to create a healthy relationship but they leave you feeling like they're not interested and that it hurts you. There's no downside to that.
@@morehn I think my bigger problem is trying to be friends with narcissists. It doesn't matter what I feel-it falls on deaf ears. Thank you for your advice but it doesn't apply to my situation.
For as bad rep as the DAs get, I am so thankful for them because had I not met them I probably would still be people-pleasing and swallowing and repressing my feelings and needs. Even though it was a hard experience, I wouldn't change it because it made me better, it has led me towards you and all these amazing resources. It has helped me become more and more secure, which I love! Had I stayed with other guys I probably would never have been pushed to actually become aware of and break out of these unhealthy patterns and protection mechanisms. It's nice to shake them off and start from a new vantage point. I'm very grateful!
WOW! I needed to hear this. I love my DA so much she is so precious but it is so hard how slow she is to respond, the steps we take are tiny and the space she needs is long. BUT as you said, the time apart i have worked on myself and my deep deep anxious issues. It seems like you have done the same. It is a weird spirtual healing, almost divine but at the same time very hard and challenging and i guess thats whats makes it both beautiful and painful, but something to be grateful of. I am here with you and agree with you totally.
With DAs especially, texting is usually a copout for having to deal with the other person's emotions or response and a way of distancing themselves. That is something I find particularly enraging. When a DA just dumps their stuff all over me by text and then won't pick up the phone or meet up in person to deal with the issue, I'm out. But I've noticed APs will do this as well. Nothing makes me feel more manipulated than someone communicating with me in a way that deliberately hampers my ability to communicate back and make myself understood. I generally regard texting as the coward's way out of dealing with issues in a relationship and it loses my respect for someone very quickly if they are unwilling to be more direct and available for my emotions and response.
Agreed. Text is not communication.
Completely agree. Texting is the normal way of communicating right now, because people in general are not able no more to talk each other. Whatsapp and Telegram are destroying our humanity
So well said!
this is perfect for heading back into dating in 2021 to avoid anxiety attacks from DAs HAHA
I think long term friendships where someone ghosts you is even worse. Having to ask someone to treat you right (not even contacts you often) makes you feel like a super needy human. I think life is easy for these people. Because they don't care and just live in their bubble. I imagine DA is more likely to end up very lonely in life. But no idea Iif it will even make them sad.
“Communicate our standards to get a solution” that was gold!
I feel like I’m abandoning myself when I have someone in my life who won’t respond to texts. If I do decide to keep them in my life, which I’m seriously thinking about removing them, I’m just going to mirror their text patterns. We’re not to the point where I feel like I can communicate my needs and rather than waiting on a text, I just won’t. I’m an FA & kinda avoidant but this is even getting to me.
Girl, I broke it off, and it was hard but so much better for myself. It wasn't even 4 months and I was like 'NO this is not for me' in my head.
Starts at 1:47
Thanks really
Thank you for this. Just this morning I had to tell my partner that the reason why our texts always seem to turn towards the direction of an argument is because we dont get to spend enough time together conversing so when texting it can is very easy to misinterpret the emotions and intentions of what is being said because of the lack of tone and body language
DA ghost/flake/stonewall for long periods, then come back and don't really have a good reason, and they act like nothing is wrong. It's so frustrating for others to put up with. U don't know if u did something wrong to them, or they have some other issue they are dealing with, but don't want to tell u. *sigh.....
I've been broken up with my ex DA, and I wish I knew this sooner, because I did abandon myself trying to people please! Which btw is not my norm. I loved what you said about a friend giving advice about rewording the response, because I would most definitely have responded with.... "Why do I have to change or bend over backwards for them!" Great advice thank you!
Thais, i don't know if you read all your comments on here, but if you do, i wanted to wish you a happy new year! Boy are you such a great help! You have helped me develop into a better person, but also helped me not personalize others behaviors. I wish i found you earlier lol. What a great woman you are :)
What I end up feeling is like I don't matter which causes me to severely distance myself or ghost if it happens multiple times. That way I am protecting myself from being constantly yo-yod. Then again, perhaps I am abandoning in return because I feel abandoned.
When they don’t text for over a month when they previously texted almost every day. Why should you try to message someone who abandoned you? Best to let it be.
Wow this is perfect timing, I really need to hear this today.
Happy to hear that Lucy! Happy you are here with us and hopefully we can all grow together in 2021 :)
-PDS team member
Thais, thank you SO SO much from the bottom of my heart. I started watching your videos summer 2020 and learned so much from you about my fear of abandonment. It was because of that fear that I let a DA string me along and treat me like complete shit for years. He was verbally abusive and neglectful. I was caught in a cycle of knowing I deserved better but not wanting to give up on our bond. I chose him and “us” over and over while I abandoned myself (the way my mother did). After 5 years I got the guts to end things last night. And you know what? he just let me go. Just like that. No fight. No asking me to stay. Just easily. I’m hurt beyond belief but I feel so free. I feel so proud of myself for standing up for me. Thank you for arming me with the knowledge and understanding I needed to reach this point.
You’re so strong p 💜💜 your days are going to get so much brighter since you are realizing your self worth! I admire your strength on walking away because it’s not easy!
My ex broke up with me after ten years bc of a conflict . All these years i tried to please him and make excuses for being neglected and invalidated. The same behaviour had my dad and it was familiar to me.
Good for you! How are things going?
@@sandrae2319 I wish I could say I’m completely over it, but it’s like poison leaving the body --it hurts as it leaves. It doesn’t help that he calls and messages every so often either. I still think of him most days but it doesn’t hurt like it use to. I remind myself every day that I am worthy of effort.
@@user-to6mz8xb8g I am rooting for you!
I would also like to say it's perfectly normal to miss someone and to *want* to talk to them, but if you're anxious waiting, or try to do anything for their attention then that's bad
Oh my, just talked about this with my therapist today. The part with the subconscious part with having a kind of familiar zone of space is powerful. I'm so grateful to feel validated in your videos, like I'm not the only one functioning like this.
Wow..I'm waiting for his text right now... Feels like dying 😭😭😭🙏
Me too... I don’t think I’m going to get it though 😩 I feel super anxious.
@@Sophie-is6mt please engage yourself in self soothing. You can do it ❤️
@@NM-vs5lg are y’all still together or in communication
I tell them I don't like playing hide and seek. I don't like this type of relationship and play games. I expect consistency both ways. I don't need a roller coaster. It's not good for me and I'm not interested in it.
What great timing you have. Literally need this to heal
it is crucial to teach people how to break up and how to walk away from something that isn't healthy. 99% of all "Dating Coaches" want you to be stuck in this endless dynamic of push and pull with yet another "trick to get your ex back" and another "change your behavior to attract your ex partner". This is literally the worst! There is no point in being with a dynamic with an unaware DA, you cannot change anybody. There is only one chance you have with a DA: they need to be in therapy and working on themselves. DAs make even secure folks super anxious, this is normal. Been there, done that. I am pretty secure and stable but sometimes DA make me anxious and nervous although I know the whole dynamic. When I recognize my own reaction to them I usually just end things and walk away.
Extremely talented at breaking things down...what a gift you are/ have!
Wow, I just got done with the 3 month membership. I’ve learned so much, and still need so much work. Hopefully I can afford this again soon.
Thank you, Thais. This was a much needed reminder. I'm an FA who's dating a social DA/FA leaning DA and we've progressed so much since I started watching your videos back in July. However, last night I had a big FA meltdown due to her not texting me back in hours when I asked about her plans, fueled by being upset that she rather spent New Year's Eve with her friends than with me 😪 (Fear of rejection, being excluded and being disliked are big core wounds of mine 😞) Now I realise I totally abandoned myself and had a miserable and lonely NYE when I could have had a lovely, cosy night in and enjoyed my solitude! Of course it doesn't change the fact that it's perfectly okay and normal to want to spend NYE with your girlfriend. I shouldn't beat myself up for being hurt and disappointed, especially since what happened last night triggered three of my biggest core wounds.
Yesterday I felt starved for her company, but now I want to push her away and not talk to her for awhile. Typical FA behaviour, I guess? 🙃 I feel the need for space and I think it's healthy to take a couple of days to sort out my head before seeing her--and to communicate it to her IF she reaches out to me. Fortunately we did have a short but healthy chat last night so we didn't end the year on a bad note. However, today after some of the sadness has passed I have begun to feel angry at her for excluding me from her NYE's plans--maybe because I don't feel that included in her life in general? But I don't know if I have the right to be angry--it's her life and if she doesn't want me in it that's her choice. And I can choose differently myself too. I really don't know what to do.. Except to begin the new year by rewatching some of your older videos! 😅
Happy 2021 everyone! ✨
I really appreciate your awareness!! This is so so huge!
@@lizp2512 Thank you!! I guess it is! I've definitely come a long way from what I was even six months ago--thanks to PDS! 🙏
Same story here. But I actually shuted down. Well didn’t go well. I accused him for pretending and then when he said he was not I wasn’t responding anymore. U can guess right? He didn’t texted either anymore... 2 weeks silence now. Feel pretty guilty but scared to reach out.
There’s a woman out there who will plan the holidays as early as September (or earlier) so that the two of you can spend this special time together. Keep your options open, she’s not the be all and end all of everything.
@@mumbualove Thanks for your advice 😊 I will keep that in mind, but right now I feel like I want to commit to this relationship and see where it goes. Dreaming about something better and walking out when things get tough has been my modus operandi for years but I'd like to try something different this time. Ours is not a perfect relationship by any means, but over the past 8 months we have both learned to communicate better and I know her avoidant behaviour doesn't come from a mean-spirited place. After New Years she actually asked me to be more open with her about my needs. We try to meet in the middle. Despite the hardships (or maybe thanks to them!) I can see that our relationship has been beneficial for my psychological and spiritual development.
Thais, I love this format to opening a respectful discussion of my needs without cause the other person to feel pressured, shame, or stunned, when we reached our limit! (1) What do I need to have to feel fulfilled (and safe) in a relationship? (2) What is a fair standard for this need in a relationship? Define it. (3) If not being met, say, "Hey, I notice we are doing X. And, I get a lot out of Y. I prefer to C. How do you feel about that?". Namaste 🙏
Well just call me a hoo'er, because 9 times out of 10 , I'd be "waiting on that text " --- WHILE ALREADY ON ANOTHER DATE.🤣🤣🤣🤣
Oh my gosh 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ these talks are so good. I am dating one of these right now and I need to walk away, but there is this chemistry I have only felt 1 other time in my life and that wasn't my ex husband...it was my best friend that I dated. I cant2seem to shake this guy...i expressed the way he made me feel about myself recently (confused, hot then cold behavior, everything on his time, late night hang outs...and that I have so much to offer...I don't deserve that behavior, i don't deserve to not have the same effort put into me as I put into him) so this was one of the only times he responded quickly...saying I do deserve the world, im beautiful, i deserve my efforts to be reciprocated and he asked if we could still be friends...I said yes, but im removing the sex because emotionally I can't handle it. So all of a sudden he starts making SO much effort...way more than he ever has...and here i am thinking..okay..maybe he's realizing he needs to stop being so afraid of what we actually have together...?...one week of consistent communication and seeing each other...today >> nothing. No response to my text from 10am...its now almost 8pm...nothing. i feel like im going crazy...i need to walk away.
Any update? What ended up happening?
Was promised a text within the end of the week to arrange a date with an avoidant. It’s Friday night, and no word from them. This would be our 4th date. I feel like I’m being ghosted. They know very well that I come from a history of domestic abuse and that it takes a lot for me to trust someone. They know very well that I had chosen to trust THEM. Well, guess what? Regardless of this, they’re still having the nerve to break my trust. Sorry, too late. I’m done.
Its not avoidant Its no intrest.
Why would they know this after 3 dates? You are trauma dumbing on people. This will absolutely get you ghosted. You are unhealed. Get to work!
I don’t communicate true text hardly with my DA I am an FA I write letters or send him usb sticks since I feel safe to express my feelings that way. Texting stresses me out cause of all expectations and it feels to fast to close. I need space and time to understand my feelings and to be able to express them. I feel pressured by texting so I found other strategies to communicate. Thank you Thais for all you knowledge and experience it really helps me continue growing and enveloping true my life and relationships in a healthy way. ❤️🌹🌷
Wow, Thais! Thank you so much - this was so powerful. I am so so happy to be at this place now. PDS brings real change. I’ve been in the school since April and still have so much work to do- but have already changed the quality of my life and the relationship to myself, radically! ❤️ thank you for your service to the world, Thais! Your work and your compassion truly saved me from myself.
Wow! So excited for the text series !!! 😯
- setting boundaries respectfully via text
-conflict resolve via text with a conflict avoidant who won’t do phone call or in person
-disagreeing with someone via text
-responding to someone disagreeing with you via text
-apologizing via text
-courting via text
:) that’d be all for now- just throwing out ideas :)
I would say... don't wait for a message and get a life 👍
😂. With me its not like I'm waiting like an AA would but sometimes i want to know whats up either way whether its i dont want to talk to you anymore or giving some kind of a response as to whats going on
These videos are so helpful and applicable... Also, they're almost common-sense in a way, but at the same time a lot of this info isn't very intuitive and that's why it's good to have people like Thais explain it and help guide us in the right direction. Thank you, Thais! 🙂
Wow that was powerful. Forget texting more important the subconscious level wanting comfort familiarity and how it attracts/ keeps us attracting people that cant meet our needs..... or just repeats the same familar comforts. HOW DO WE OVERVOME THAT??? That's what's key. Being aware of this and what to do. No therapist no one had ever said it so simple and clear before.
Thanks. Talk more on changing subconscious to get what we really do want.
I love this video so much for the self empowerment of it. The problem I have is that you say you should be able to ask them something that is reasonable. But when I’m leaning AA I’m rarely reasonable. I want daily texts, and then I want morning texts and then evening texts and then phone calls. It’s like every time I share what I want I then want more and more. I can’t seem to receive when my DA does give me.
I am pretty good at sharing what I need. I have just realized that I’m unreasonable with what I need when I’m leaning AA. I actually abandoning myself by asking for more and more texts because with any normal relationship I don’t need daily texts. But I’m insecure with new guys and so asking for more is actually abandoning myself. And that’s what I’m trying to work on.
Your needs and wants should be reasonable and realistic, and since you’re so self-aware, you know that you’re not reasonable, you need to work on becoming more secure. It’s not your partners job to make you happy. It’s your job, you should be coming to the relationship with a full cup of love.
And even assuming if you’re a secure individual and would still want texts all day, this is proving that this person is not compatible with you
You need to work on becoming more secure is like saying “do better”. Yea obviously that’s the goal haha. And I know you don’t know me so you don’t know the months I’ve spent in PDS. But I’m merely stating that not asking for what you want isn’t always self abandonment. Sometimes it’s the other way around. I would hear stuff like this for years and assume I was in the right. Asking for what I want. No one was ever good enough for me. I had such high standards. But again we’re told to keep asking so I kept asking. And no one could live up to my needs. Because they’re unreasonable, they’re not needs they’re wounds. So I wanted to say in the comments for others struggling with the opposite that I’m with them too.
@@JenniferNoble09 yes they are wounds. I guess you have to ask yourself do you want to text daily because you enjoy speaking to that person, or do you need to text in order to know that you won’t be abandoned, and you need validation. You have correctly identified that standards can be wounds.
Just wanted to say good luck and I hope that you will be able to become more secure with time! 🤗
Happy New Year Thais, you've helped me change my life :)
Happy New Year Thais and PDS team! You are all great and I’m so happy to be part of this community! ❣️
Not to please them but I was working on myself to not deactivate strongly out of hurt and holding space for possible things going on with the other person, but it's gone on enough that no amount of my patience will change it. I worried I was just trying to deactive to escape the pain when I thought about having a hard conversation with them. I see now that it's just me setting boundaries and it's what I must do. Thank you for this video, Thais!
I am a FA and have been in a relationship with a DA for a few months and have already left and come back multiple times. I have watched him try to do things that help with how triggered I feel by our different relationship expectations. We touch base at least once a day. I get a good morning text every morning. There are some days I feel very connected to him and we text back and forth half the day. But other weeks like most people he is busy and tries to balance and I see that but I still get triggered. I am having a hard time with that hard line of what I need because I don’t think what I feel I need is fair to ask of him or healthy for any relationship. I can’t have attention all the time. he has reassured me multiple times that he loves me.. and all of me, even the me that is triggered and runs away atleast once a month. I actually believe him 2 so so don’t know why it’s so painful. So I feel torn of what I should do and how to both draw the line of what I need and respect the fact that he needs his own space and time because of his triggers. Any advice?
You need to go heal and stop dating. You aren't healthy. It is not right to subject someone to your shenanigans
@@ineedhoez they asked for advice to get around this issue, not to break up ...there exists couple therapy and such for this
The funny thing is I did stop dating to heal. I wasn't the one with the shenanigans. I was the one trying to work through my issues and not take them out on the person I date. Come to find out, he was lying to and dating several different women, including myself, all at the same time. So it was probably my own intuition, not my issues that had me feeling so insecure, It's really telling of who you are as a person that you will jump on a year old post of someone asking for advice and instead judge them and criticize them. You should probably work on yourself nothing more unattractive than an ugly heart.
@@lorivinal @Lori Vinal Perfect! See how prioritizing YOU resolved the issue? Had you not, you'd still be in the dynamic. He would have kept lying, you would have kept being triggered, you would have found out and likely stayed! You would have gone into pick me mode!!!! Now, you are competing with other women etc. Just stuck in drama! Focusing on your healing set you free, gave you space to stabilize, and the truth was revealed!
Now that you healed, you can be level headed in relationships. You can watch their behavior and see if it meets your needs. If it doesn't, you can communicate your needs and move on.
Imagine if you were stable and firm in your boundaries in the beginning? Do you think you would have really stayed for all of his shenanigans? Probably not. You would think, " hey, I like this guy but I need xyz, and he isn't showing up how i need." Done and done. His reasons for not showing up are irrelevant. You just have to hold your standard.
Heehee shenanigans. What a pity he turned out to be a bad one - but that happens to the best of us, some ppl are good at hiding it and talking around it.
This was a great video. I tried to make it work with someone but after 3 months I was done. I have been kind but I feel he will not understand his lack of communication will kill every relationship. He never asks anyone 'How are you' and constantly communicates through memes. It is strange and I thought it was overwhelming at first but I know he is very caring. It was a hard dynamic but end of the day I suffered and I hope one day he wakes up I guess! I tried to communicate what I need and he won't understand till he gets therapy. He cannot even carry a conversation on the phone and it was so disappointing even though I could see myself love him and grow in other aspects.
short, terse, one word answers. - how to get them to stop it, share and invest more
My issue has always been when his behaviour is inconsistent. We've known each other for 5,5 years and he's often hot and cold. After a tragedy in his life 2 years ago we gradually became closer. Recently he began feeling very good about his life and himself. Suddenly he wanted to see me more often, he replied faster and was more on the "hot" side over all. So three weeks ago he told me he loves me and that he always has, but been so scared of disappointing me and my son, and that he's often worried that he'd lose me, that he finally went too far with pushing me away. When I brought up my feelings and thoughts from the past 5 years he took it as criticism. He began pushing me away in a new way and Tuesday last week he left me on read in a middle of a conversation. I feel like I'm back to how it was before the tragedy happened. I had reached a good place where I felt calm with our "friends with benefits" situation, I had made peace with him not having the same feelings for me, etc. And now he's changed the whole dynamic and I don't know what to do. Almost immediately after telling me he loves me he added "but I believe you can love several people" and he also said "Do we have to put titles on what we are?" I told him that I do. Said I'm not in a hurry, but I'm not waiting a year for him to finally commit. It's been a confusing time these past weeks and I'm at a loss what to do. I feel like he's gone cold again and that I'm once again the only one vulnerable, which makes me feel weak and scared and want to run. 🤷🏻♀️
RUN. One thing you can NEVER get back is time. You DO NOT want to be 45 or 50 wishing you had time you lost with this loser. And yes, I know that was harsh, but in terms of partner potential, the potential is ONLY in your mind. His actions are that of a wounded 3 year old.
THAIS, you are doing the Lord's work!! 📚📚📚
As a DA, I can say this totally applies to friendships as well as relationships. In the dating phase, I prefer to have actual dates, and not to chat in between during the week. It feels like an imposition to get texts from a stranger...I don’t even know if I like you yet, so why would I want to text you? I reserve that for my friends or someone I’m in love with. If I’m developing feelings, or I like you enough to get into a committed relationship, or you have become a close friend, then that is when daily texting can feel good or is something to negotiate.
Exactly.
I agree
Yes - agreed.. I’m busy and when I like you I still might be too busy but I will probably tell you I am rather than just not give you my time and energy
If your too busy to be in a relationship then don't be in one simple. 20 percent of your time is a side piece, stop playing games only an insecure fool puts up with that and thinks it's ok, secure people are gone. X 😭🤣🤣 this is a red flag I look for in-between dates if someone is not texting in between dates, they have low investment, who will be happy dating that other than a stone, the texting helps to connect but I forget, avoidants don't want connection only on there terms.
Good policy
You expect communication with a DA will have them change their behavior? With a DA? In my experience that's been a guaranteed fight lol
Yeah this channel kinda assumes the best of DA's, which is good to think positive, but go to any other channel or read comments on this vid or any vid and you see that most DA's just can't bring themselves to want to work on them
Wow! Bang on :) I saw this video at the perfect moment. Im going through this situation with someone new that I like. Its so crazy how the self abandonment people pleasing pattern is so alive in me and Yea it feels really nice and comfortable too lol ... but not healthy
I'm loving these videos. My only feedback is to do less plugging. Every video is riddled with your personal advertisements and it feels abrasive when it's so much. Maybe tiny plugs or just less of the advertisements.
it’s free content… their program ads fund this channels copious free content
@@matthewjohnson2047 I understand that, but there can be less. Doesn't need to be every video.
If it's a text regarding smth that we need a reply on, where we've called but they didn't answer and we leave them a msg, hoping for a fast reply. I feel like people would still be able to see our chat pop ups when they're online on their phone but working. This is the kind of situation that makes me really anxious. When you really need the person, but they're just not there
This just came up in my feed & I feel like I’m dealing with this kind of man. Will tell you when he’ll get back to you but he doesn’t...
We both are sailing in a same boat 😆
This is an amazing video. You are so wise and have such great information.
Wow!!! So good! I’m an AA. It resonates a lot
Welcome in 2021 Thais, good to see you!
First of all I love that you do these videos and I have hope for my marriage again! My time will come when I can take the whole program, and I hope that is very soon! Is there any advise on if I approach a male dismissive avoidant and tell him he is one or is there a video in how to get some dialogue going?
Thank you so so much for this. What an incredibly helpful video. Thank you.
Very important advice. Thank you so much! ❤️❤️
Came to this channel after been recently ghosted out of a friendship by a DA/FA. We have / had a long distance friendship, so texting was our only communication and he doesn't text his very best mate for MONTH sometimes. Something I wasn't okay with, as I want to be close to my friends and share what's happening in my life and wanted to get to know him better. Plus, sometimes I needed research help from him for my book or just wanted a reply because he also has mental health issues and knowing where his depression is atm was important to me.
Here is what we came up with and it worked for both of us like a charm for almost 8 month, maybe it helps someone who reads this and is in a similar situation, too. It was my idea, but he really seemed to feel good about it. The aggreement was: "If you see a questionmark in the preview, you have to read and reply timely, meaning in the next 24 hours."
As the SA/AP part, it's on us of course to not misuse this agreement and trick them into a pattern of texting we like, which of course needs a lot of self-conciousness.
Sometimes I had a question but it wasn't time sensetive, so I would text something like (Questionmark rule does not apply in this text) and then proceed with the question and things like that seemed to make him actually way more confident in answering even no-questionmark messages.
I told my DA that I needed more communication from him (texting) he stepped up and starting communicating more. Some days he falls a little short but most days I hear from him in the morning and evening. I feel like he has not really made that connection with me yet so I look for ways to prove that he does like me. Even if it’s the littlest of things. I want to tell him to text me whenever he wants so that way I can get a gage of how much he is thinking of me or how much he likes me but I don’t want to deprive myself either. I also don’t want to be confusing to him. What should I do ? I feel like I’m forcing him to text me
Texting is not communication. Let's start there.
Best thing to do with a dismissive avoidant person is let them be. They're a sinking ship bringing you down. Leave them alone
Isn't true that sometimes people don't get the response they want in texting because they themselves are texting only the boring hi how's your day going type of texts? Can you address how to text in a way that increases connection and supports relationship growth?
It still doesn't lead anywhere if the other person doesn't engage. If you get one liners or no questions back it's not a conversation. I have a DA friend that I will text and sometimes get a reply 2 days later. I might have been in the mood for a great conversation then and there.. but after 2 days? Why even bother.
I crave long deep conversations rather than "how are you" and ending it there. But of course the small talk is usually the tool to get to these conversations.. if they stick around that is.
Texting is not communication therefore it will never help a relationship grow.
@@hgzmatt Then pick up the phone and call. Texting is not conversation. The sooner we realize that, the better off will all be.
Thank you ever so much for this channel, it helps so much. I struggle with feeling that my needs are not valid, that they are too much cause I would want daily texting for example. I think its so easy to think that, yes I am a bit damaged, therefor I should do what other people can do or put up with. Like, I should be able to not get a text every day, cause 'demanding' that would just show me as being a needy/not healthy person.
Where is the line between your needs and maybe having needs that are destructive?
I think a good way to draw the line is to consider if you would be able to give what you are asking for if it was asked of you. Also, I think being aware of the reasons for your desires or needs.
Search her video about needs from wounds versus authentic needs
And what about when you're not in the dating phase. This still happens when you're a few years in.
timely, thank you!!
Question: when do you introduce that conversation? The standard/what you want texting wise?
Immediately. You can discuss it as a question. What's your preferred or normal text pattern. However, I would argue that you refrain from texting altogether. Unless you are communicating something that literally does not require response. Pick up the phone and talk or video chat with the person. Texting is not communication
You are awesome Thais. Thank you.
I love your videos and the contect you are producing and thank you so much for your time and effort. I am also visiting your older videos. They are amazing. Is there a way to improve sound quality of the older videos?
I don't understand. When the DA is not texting does that mean that their partner is supposed to text them? I thought they want distance, therefore we give them distance by not contacting them. Which would mean that they are the ones who will approach us whenever they feel their need for distance was fulfilled. Is there something I am missing?
We don’t want distance, we just don’t want people getting close prematurely cuz it doesn’t feel genuine. Frequency increases over time...you don’t go from strangers to best friends/relationship overnight
@@np5462 lo!! I would agree but after 3:years of being with a DA previously still texted once a week or every 3 days if your lucky, I just replied four days later or never at all he never asked why so I got a new boyfriend who is normal and now my husband and texts every day , I'm secure DA who is 50 can't help if they don't wanna change. He's upset I'm married now and doesn't understand how I moved on so quickly, do me a favour after three years of that I'd moved on way before and he was still stuck, feel sorry for him he will end up dying alone, each to there own. Xx
Is it advisable to let your dismissive avoidant man know that he has such attachment? or will this trigger something from them?
GOOD QUESTION
I think it will trigger the DA that he is being criticised. Unless it is introduced very carefully and sensitively worded which I'm still trying to figure out🤔🤔
@@warmhart2034 Same. I'm also trying to figure that out in a way that I don't trigger something from him yet plant a seed of idea enough for him to ponder.
Thanks for sharing this helps a lot
Sorry if this has been addressed before but how do avoidants approach texting? Are the pretty regular at the start and then deviate from the baseline when things get serious or do they begin detached and warm up ?
Pretty much. At start he was texting me regularly, everyday good morning etc etc we would text throught the day (ofc not every minute, but it was fine) and as we grew closer it started to get less and less to the point where we stopped communicating lol
Yeah love bombing to start and then retreats
At times, when their defenses are down, they will initiate and carry on with text convo. Then pull back for days after realising what they've just done - letting their guard down and showing more care than they planned 🙁
Mine always took days and weeks to respond from the very beginning. Now that I really think back I had an issue with it and brought it to her attention and she said all I had to do is communicate that I want us to talk more and when I did nothing changed. I’m going into year 2 and it’s still be consistent. The only time communication is consistent is when we are in each other’s face. So intentionally don’t call or text.
@@warmhart2034 yep
Great video, thank you 🙏
Very powerful words!
Wow I needed this.
You are the best!
Dating a DA is expert level
Thank you sooooo much for this @Personal School of Development - Thais
Approximately @3:20 and we wouldn't tell a friend to put up with that or morph to that either!
Hey is it possible to make a video on healing from the damage done by DA ex.. he just cut me off i have been questioning myself since
Yes,I'd need it too!!
I like this. Most dating coaches use women n this situation and although don't out right say you need to change you thrg basically do that i. Their program lol.
Most people fint teach women who are in ghis dynamic how to speak their needs.
Glad u do
Hi Thais. I'm with my DA and its going to be 6 months. So does that mean that I'm still in the dating phase? I'm anxious attachment person.
Thais, question on this. This would be a 2nd FA, lean AA, request to DA on this." Need to know there will be wood coming so fire wont go out now."
Any tips on how to text your ex to keep open communication with no specific expectations other than staying in the moment?
Great 👏 channel👏!
But what does it feel like to the FA when you are seeking validation via Text? are they overwhelmed? are they frightened by it? is it triggering?
I usually just feel like I'm not up to provide that validation. Some sort of 'I'm fundamentally bad and incapable'. Might distance myself because of it, but it's internal, has nothing to do with the other person per se.
Perfect timing for me lol
I wish i found you sooner , thais
Does the code not apply to the monthly membership? 😔
Is there ways you recommend besides the whole blanket topic of working on your anxious attachment style but like you mentioned in the video the idea behind abandoning our selves and coming into a relationship half empty. I learned about my attachment style post my last relationship and have done alot of inner work. Not sure how I would show up now besides finding courage to be as vocal as possible.
In other words: go live your life!
What about in a situation with an ex?
Same story here. But I actually shuted down. Well didn’t go well. I accused him for pretending and then when he said he was not I wasn’t responding anymore. U can guess right? He didn’t texted either anymore... 2 weeks silence now. Feel pretty guilty but scared to reach out.
Could have some tips what to do
My man’s is an avoidant and I’m a anxious… been on n off since aug