Dysfunctional Family Roles
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 มิ.ย. 2024
- Do you know the roles of a dysfunctional family? Knowing these roles may help you identify which ones you have taken on and how it could be negatively affecting you in adulthood.
In this video, I am going to share the six roles most often found in a dysfunctional family. I share the key characteristics of each role including the strengths as well as the drawbacks and difficulties. The Hero Child, The Scapegoat, The Mascot and The Lost Child are common roles taken on in a dysfunctional family.
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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via TH-cam, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.
Edited by Video Editing Experts
☀️☀️CHAPTERS☀️☀️
0:00 Intro
2:30 Roles 1 and 2
4:30 The 4 Roles of the Children
4:39 The Hero
6:23 The Scapegoat
8:31 The Mascot
9:36 The Lost Child
#dysfunctionalfamily #familyroles #breakingthecycle
I was the “scapegoat - invisible child,” was in my thirties when I confronted both parents, together, that I’m going to therapy to try and understand why I’m F’d up; and was asked, in a huffing manner, by my mom, “why is it just you?” I stated that “it’s not just me, but at that time, “I’m the only one who’s chosen to do something about it.”
< Resilient Scapegoat ... I count it a blessing that my Covert Narcissist mother (my gf called her "Queen Spider") pushed me so far out of her "web" that I realized I had almost nothing to lose by leaving altogether.
I think there's a lot of "criss-crossing" and overlapping of these roles, too, especially as children grow up, and as their parents and their siblings, and as then their own parents all grow older.
It can get more and more complicated as each person sort of gets jockeyed around, and is jockeying themselves, for a "better", less emotionally painful, and potentially more "powerful" (either self-autonomous *or* destructive) position within the family dynamic.
That's when I've seen things get way outta control quickly. I've seen a "hero"/"scapegoat" combo. What happened was when the hero made a life mistake, it shattered the entire faux and unrealistic "perfect familial image". There was all of this shaming/blaming aanndd---out popped the "scapegoat". This new character in the family farce had actually been "nurtured" to *be* that scapegoat all along. It had been a kind of total psychological covert operation and set-up. Fortunately, she did see through it eventually, but not before she took a lot of damage...😢
I've seen the "hero/lost child" combo, too. That person was so constantly emotionally suppressed and made to mirror her narcissistic mother that she eventually grew up to become a quietly resentful and contemptuous "enabler" type, with a strange, slightly self-righteous moral streak.
The whole thing was just tragic, TBH. 😢
I've always been a caretaker/lost child/scapegoat. I'm the only one getting help, and my siblings are crashing and burning in this cycle
I never envied The Golden child or golden children because I understand that that could probably be hotter than the scapegoat in some ways because they constantly feel like they are human doing rather than a human being and they understand that the love they receive is conditional so they feel like they have to do more and more.
I just want to say that your TH-cam videos are, by far the best, most helpful, and illuminating videos I've ever seen. Thanks so much for all that you do Barbara!
Thank you Graham! I truly appreciate your saying that 😀
Yes they are excellent. Thank you 🙏
Is it possible to be all 4? Because I feel like I’m all 4 because of both parents ://
I agree, she answers the questions I didn't know I had, and "lets me off the hook" of feeling like something is wrong with me.
Wow thanks for sharing this information. I was 1000% the scapegoat in my family. Funny thing is I was the complete opposite of the bad kid I was treated like. I've always thought it was insane the things I was blamed for even to this day. My 3 siblings would actually misbehave but were allowed more freedom and played along with the family games that I called out. I could have told on my siblings for so many things but I never saw the point. I'm now trying to improve my through the roof anxiety levels and lack of self worth. I always thought I was just a nice person but I've always been people pleasing without realizing it. I wish I could have a child to break the cycle with but for now I can at least love and care for my pets to the fullest. Luckily now, after moving out at 19 and ending up in an abusive relationship, I'm currently 8 years into the best relationship with a storybook, perfect guy. I didn't know this kind of love existed.
I remember my mom forcing me to take the blame of my brother losing the scissors. She knew it and I knew it but she said "It doesn't matter he lost them, you take the blame and admit it and say you're sorry, you need to learn to take responsibility and quit blaming others".
Like... What? How can even an insane person see the logic in that?
So glad you were able to land on your feet, and find love. Good for you. God bless you!
I don't know that my family had rigid roles, but some of this resonated. My brother and I were/are both high achieving in different ways, but I think he felt more pressure to be the "good" or hero child. I'm the oldest and felt the "gets blamed for everything" resonate because it didn't matter what I did, if something went wrong I got the blame. In response, I developed more of the joking/clowning and avoided processing emotions. My brother was the perfect younger child who could do no wrong, and in conflict situations he checks out like the lost child. He moved across the country to get away from the family.
Both parents are dysfunctional in different ways, so that might have contributed. Mom is emotionally abusive and narcissistic (my brother was her favorite source but I'm her projection-child/mini-me that she is trying to control the life of). Dad was physically abusive and otherwise absent, and we haven't had contact since childhood. I don't think my brother remembers much of him, as he was 7ish and I was the one most often punished.
I can't actually remember him getting beaten by our parents. I garnered nearly all of the punishments... my parents were still blaming me for stuff after I moved out. I know because they told me a year or more after "you know, your brother actually misbehaves too?" Like they were fully surprised.
I'm glad my mom at least believed in therapy, which was first for the divorce and then for trying to undo what she was doing. She got kicked out of therapy but my brother and I still went. I don't think he has gone since leaving home and I worry for him sometimes. I still go because it still helps.
Man TH-cam can teach so much knowledge
Standing up against my father was one of the best things I hqve done and the system jas changed, ecen tough I am a 30+ adult
I was a Hero Child but when I realized what that meant I couldn’t take the pressure and now I’m more of the Lost child (I’m the oldest). My brother is 100% a scapegoat, and I hate how my parents treat him.
O Muh Gawd… 🙎🏻♀️ the first 8:33 min of this video - you put into words so eloquently and with simple understanding …. My entire 46 years on this planet. Sad to say I have BPD cuz of it. Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you for this video it really opened my eyes. I don't know how, but I qualified for three of the four children roles. I really appreciate this video. Thank you again.
I think for a long time i was a mix of the lost child and scapegoat but now i think im just the lost child but with the resilience and voice of the scapegoat. also this video was very helpful. I think i can understand my siblings struggles much better now.
Yep, I do not fall back into the role myself so much as they treat me like I am still a child. I have gone no contact with family because I am tired of being treated disrespectfully. My mother even said to me when I was a small child; "why can't you be like your brother?" My brother was the golden child and was rude and mean, to this day he acts like this. He raged at me one time when I told him the mean things he did to me and that he should be ashamed.
You have perfectly described my family growing up. My mother even laughed at my brother's rudeness toward me and told me I was a big baby for crying. My brother now in his 70's will make a mean joke about someone and tell them they are too sensitive if they complain.
One of my other brothers who was the ignored one makes jokes all the time to this very day. I was the scapegoat and emotionally more developed than my brothers after I left home. My oldest brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. Everything you are saying is exactly what happened in our home and they continue to act these foolish ways today, as though they never matured. I began studying narcissism because of all the things my family did that didn't make sense to me and began to realize their hatred toward me had nothing to do with me. I began to heal after that exponentially.
The mascott in my family jokes all the time but rages when anyone disagrees with him, he seems angry all the time just below the surface.
I was the scapegoated child and wanted to disappear to get away from my family and become what I wanted to be. To this day I will put out of my life anyone who starts the relationship with acting like my family did. I do not even take a second look.
It was through Jesus Christ that I found healing. God gave me the ability to spot these kinds of people almost immediately. I speak to them briefly showing them respect but I do make friends with them.
00:00 🏠 Returning home can trigger old family roles, affecting behavior and causing frustration.
01:05 🔄 Dysfunctional families have rigid roles affecting who you are, your behavior, and life achievements.
02:14 🤝 Families are systems; changing an individual can disrupt the balance, causing resistance.
04:44 🌟 The Hero Child strives for success to maintain the family's appearance but may struggle with self-worth.
06:34 🎯 The Scapegoat takes blame for everything, leading to self-destructive behaviors but may develop resilience.
08:41 🤡 The Mascot uses humor to diffuse tension but risks avoiding difficult emotions and self-limiting relationships.
09:46 🚶 The Lost Child withdraws from conflict, becoming introverted and may struggle with safety and voice.
10:57 🔁 Any family role can recreate patterns in their own families or friend groups.
11:39 🔄 Rigid roles hinder authentic living, preventing acceptance of all aspects of oneself.
12:06 🛣 The "Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence" program helps transform negative beliefs for a more joyful and authentic life.
This was great. So clear and informative. Your videos are likely helping many people across the world. Thank you very much for sharing your expertise in such a kind way.
I'm so glad this resonated with you! WIshing you health and healing!
I was the abandoned child. Very helpful. I am new to this. I do not expect a short video to cover everything, but thinking about it, I was not assigned any of these roles as a child. Rather, because of alcoholism in the family, I was abandoned by the parents. My twin sister was forced into a role of "emotional incest" with my dad. Growing up I was always jealous of the attention he gave her. As adults I realize that that attention from Dad hurt my sister. I was probably better off just learning to cope for myself.
I bumped into a kindergartens older sister a few times out with my dog and she always stops to talk not like rushing to go somewhere, after i learned she was the middle child among three, i said you're the black sheep and felt her emotion.. I'm connected to all black sheeps, think im also the mascot too, had to joke when we go out to restaurants to break the humdrum other than that I perfer solo dining.. Thanks 🙏
That was truly enlightening! Also, I don't think I've ever seen such vivid facial expressions outsie of a Pixar movie. Beautiful. What I found distracting, however, was the stock footage -- I didn't realize they celebrate Thanksgiving in the middle east. Anyway, I'm in my early 50s and I've been doing a lot of healing work, not least by way of family constellation. Having seen this vid, I wonder whether one can be cast in all 4 roles. Seems to me I was scheduled to be the hero (but set up to fail miserably nonetheless, simply because my parents were too damaged, too deluded and, quite frankly, too stupid to knw any better), failing that I was made the scapegoat. Refusing that, I got lost and played the mascot for comic relief. Now here I am, functioning better and more resilient than my entire family yet still trying to make heads or tails of this mess. Thank you for quite a bit to let sink in and ponder.
Is it possible to be a couple of these traits at the same time? I was the golden child until I wasn't and then I became the scapegoat. As long as i was performing to my covert narc mother's standards, looking the way she wanted me look, I was golden. My sibling would agree. Once I stopped being the child that my mother was vicariously living through there was a 180° shift and I was the scapegoat. I could do nothing right, I was the reason for my mother's anger, frustration, and depression. My sibling, on the other hand was the mascot. I know he took on that role as a protection. He was making himself invisible to the criticism of our mother by always being the easy going kid, the one the never caused a problem. The problem with that was that he, internally, was the list child. Once we both hit 18, we moved states away from our mother. I later moved back and as an adult became my mother's "whipping post". My brother never came back, and in fact moved as far away without actually leaving leaving the country. Both my sibling and I married controlling, image obsessed people. My brother got out of that marriage and remarried someone who sees that lost child and allows him to shine without having to be a mascot. I married a narcissist, just like my mother and am struggling to get out. Now that I've seen my spouse and my mother for who they really are, it explains so much. It's taken so much therapy but I'm climbing out of that hole.
Hang in there. You will get out. The roles shifted in my family of origin too. I was scapegoat, but then would retreat as best I could to lost child. She didn't talk about Golden Child, and in my opinion, that slightly different from Hero. Sounds like Hero really did get the accomplishments like highest grades and best athlete. In my family, my oldest sister was Golden Child. Even though I got higher grades, her grades were seen as the best because, insert excuses here, she had the harder teachers, subjects, etc.. The whole family system is so stupid. I'm glad there is so much education out there now so people can get out of the roles sooner and not spend a lifetime floundering like I did.
And then sometimes you have two parents who are narcissists.
I don't buy that anyone "can't" change though. They don't want to.
I am the scapegoat and this is certainly and issue in society as well. I must ask what the reason we tend to empathize and relate with the other roles so deeply???Is there a co- occurring in these roles? For example, the scapegoat/ lost child/ caretaker/ black sheep yet parentified and not of use unless “ needed for other’s advantage… silented, neglected as individuals, not enough, no guidance , bullied by siblings ect ect ect
I just learned about you, exploring TH-cam and things Ive learned in ACA. And when you brought up The Lost Child, it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I broke. Not ashamed to say that. I. BROKE. I felt like I finally discovered a big part of myself. It made complete sense to me. I've struggled through my teen years and majority of my young adult life. I became a deep active using Alcoholic and Addict for 15 years. Almost 3 years ago, I met my best friend and now boyfriend and opened up to him. Letting go of my deep dark and hurting secrets I've kept in the dark, Of childhood experiences I endured that followed me from Foster Care to going home and repeating in my teen years. The silence I was engulfed in. Today, I am working on finding the WHOLE me, and I am 705 days clean.
Can one be the lost child as well as the scapegoat? I am was adopted into a narcissistic home environment. I refer to myself as the "Cinderella" of children in the family. I'm now in my late 50's and have become introverted though I love socializing every now and then. When I do verture out, my feelers on are high alert as I don't see the world as a very safe place. I'm very careful as to whom I chose to allow in my inner circle and even then somehow manage to allow narcissist whom I end up having so much conflict with because of the why they show the same familier behaviours as the family I was brought up in whom adopted me. The narc experienced was mainly from my aunt. I'm still working through a lot of baggage from my experience but have come a long ways due to my faith paired with podcast such as yours. Thanks for all your hard work. I'm sure it's helping a lot of hurting people out there. Keep up the good work!
Can you talk about the caretaker and golden child roles I saw elsewhere? My older brother was definitely the scapegoat, but I don’t see either myself or my younger brother in any of these 4 roles. I’m pretty sure I was a caretaker. I looked out for my siblings feelings, tried to keep things so Mom wouldn’t freak out, kept my younger brother occupied (to take stress off Mom). My younger brother was sort of a favorite, but not because of achievements (so not hero), and he wasn’t using humor to defuse situations. I think sometimes he added to the chaos, but not in a scapegoat way.
I was the first child... and was the only child for 9 years I was diagnosed with Dyslexia(I believe this was a misdiagnosis, and I might be more on the autism spectrum), but I believe I also have other issues that went undiagnosed like adhd... for those nine years I was simultaneously the hero, the scapegoat and the silent...then my first sibling was born... and he became the hero... while I suffered with undiagnosed AUDHD... then 5 years later my other sibling was born and the youngest became the hero... the middle child became the scapegoat... and I became a third parent who avoided conflict.
So interesting! One of my cousins and I were both treated like the Hero by our grandmother (actually I was treated like that by both my grannies, but one of them died when I was six). But mostly I was The Lost Child, and I still behave and feel like that, even though I am more capable of speaking up. I would stay away from my father's new family because I couldn't handle the level of chaos, conflict and drama. I missed my father so much, but I wisely kept my distance from all the drama in his family, and he mostly ignored me anyway if I did visit. And I also remember hiding under beds and in closets when my mother lost her temper on me. She would treat me like partly a Hero and partly a scapegoat, but I early learned to spend most weekends and holidays with other people (family, friends, friends of family), which was what I was expected to do. I was loved by her, and she did a lot of things right, but she couldn't really handle having people so close to her all the time, and was not very good at regulating her anger. Her own parents were so immature (to put it nicely) when they had her, She judged my character like I was a grown up.
Oooohhhhh this is good!! The generational systems are so prevalent in my family💯
I just found this channel, a real treasure!!!
Thank you very much for your clarity, dear colleague!
❤
You're very welcome! I hope it is helpful for you and your clients! :)
Great video....please do a video about the roles in a functional (non-dysfunctional) family
There are only dysfunctional families or families with dysfunctions (aware of their issues)
That’s it… there are no functional or perfectly healthy families
When the oldest brother, total hero role, decided to leave the religion, my narc mom retaliated by accusing him of molesting our younger siblings. That tore our family asunder and it never really recovered. It also caused our narc mom to try to shuffle and deal the roles again, but it was too late.
Thank you for this video.
Thank you for sharing.
I'm a combo of Scapegoat and lost child. Only because I move across the world alone and never looked back. 🌍💪💯💪💯💪😇🙏
Thank you for another great video.
Your explanations a clear, simple and easy to understand.
I don t see the link for your online program?..
Thank you! 😁
Hi! The link is www.awakenjoy.life/roadmap
So pleased you liked this video.
I love your videos.They have helped me alot.
I went from hero child, to scapegoat and now choose lost child to avoid the compulsion to give most members of the family "truth telling" read sessions. Darkly funny, but true.
I was the hero and invisible child growing up then turned to scapegoat after marriage with the aid of ex-husband and my oldest brother’s wife, my oldest brother was the mascot turned hero, then middle brother grew up as scapegoat
Hello Barbara! Hope you're doing well. Unexpected change of scenery! 👍
Thank you for the invitaion to a summit, I have benefited from it so much!
Also after many wonderful speakers seeing you there was like seeing an old friend. 😄
Have a great day!
Hi Allen: Thanks for checking in! Yes, I rented in NYC for one month and had an amazing view... A few more videos will have that view and than back to my normal! I'm so pleased you enjoyed the self-care conference!
I would have to say I’m mostly the hero or lost child, my twin is probably mostly hero and mascot and my older sister is most definitely scapegoat, I’m always pressured to be perfect academically and if my grade is anything less then an A I’m in trouble but my siblings can have B’s and C’s I’m also pressured to be involved in many extracurriculars and have to be great at them too, but anytime there’s conflict in my family I immediately leave, my twin is probably mostly a mascot with a bit of hero because she’s really pressured to continue wrestling and be successful at it and she basically doesn’t even have the option of quitting it anymore but it’s not a super big deal if she doesn’t always do well and long as she keeps doing and keeps trying, around friends I’m definitely the mascot but around family she is, I’m not comfortable enough to make a joke cause if it ain’t good I’m criticized but she makes more jokes more often to kinda take tension out of situations, and my older sister is definitely the scapegoat because she’s blamed for a lot of things and her good qualities are never mentioned, only her bad ones
I’m the truth telling scape goat, I’ve definitely emerged into the most resilient. I recently walked away from the system. I like this video! Thank you❤wow I’m trying not to cry. The mobile illustration is spot on. I just couldn’t keep interacting with them. Again, thank you.
I think I played 3 roles. At times I was the hero. At other times I was the lost child. At the same time, I was also the mascot. My brother and sister seemed to both be scapegoats. They asserted themselves to the point where my brother walked away from the family 25+ years ago and my sister walked away last year. I've stuck it out feeling all 3 of these roles and teetering on the edge of walking away because of all the pressure that is on me now.
Maybe you should do it for yourself, walking away. Try to put your inner child first. If you were their parent or their guardian angel, what would you do to answer their deepest wish? I can’t imagine being the only one bearing the brunt of all that. Also, even when you walk away, maybe you can join your brother and sister and stand in solidarity in one another. I don’t ever mean to push or tell someone what to do especially with something so painful. Especially when I am in the middle of doing it myself, planning my escape but still haven’t had to really push start on it yet. Those are my thoughts and feelings and what my spirit says after reading your thoughts. I never thought I would be strong enough to choose me, but ever since I’ve made that choice in my heart, I can’t tell you much happier I feel. I feel like a different person when I wake up in the morning. I feel like myself again. I feel peaceful. Until I know my mom will be home soon 😂🤷🏽♀️ but even then choosing not to see her, have everything done and be in my bed relaxing, and to hell with how she feels about it, feels so good. Catching myself thinking about how she will react if x y or z and reminding myself that that’s not my problem anymore, it’s hers and hers alone, I am actually able to relax and do what I want, what I choose for me. And I carried the weight of all of the pain, hate for myself, for my entire life. But finally I can see things for what they are and let it go. When I think about the next few months and how it will be after actually leaving, cutting of contact, I wonder if I will try to talk myself out of it, then I remember why I made my decision, the reality of that painful situation, and choose me again. And I feel at peace. I feel the power to do everything I have to do to cross any obstacle (mostly logistics) and the more time goes on, the happier and more peaceful I feel. The more energy I have, the more productive I am. Every single day it’s a little better. Sometimes I feel great! I am so grateful to God and to myself. I honestly even felt that Gor had abandoned me, the abuse was so bad. Anyway just my two cents! Good luck sir!
Thank You,@@marrrweee It's challenging. I'm also an INFJ. I've taken the Myers Briggs with a therapist and come up INFJ twice. Even when I've taken the abbreviated online ones it comes up INFJ. It's hard to say whether my upbringing made me that way or if that's what I was meant to be and it set me up in this situation. All I can feel when I think of walking away is that I will hurt my mother so deeply. It's agains my nature to be the source of absolutely crushing another person. Being both INFJ and a child of a narcissist has set me up to be an extreme people pleaser. I'm working to break that by saying "no" when I want to and not explaining myself. I've been setting boundaries but realize that I've attracted a lot of narcissists. I've been kicking some of them to curb. Anyway - that's my thoughts. Every day is some progress. Thanks.
Brilliant. I changed over the year's. I grew up hypervigilant working my butt off with 2 PTSD parents. Many fights. Many. Veteran dad.
❤
When I worked with substance abusers and their families, most of them could relate to this. What I found, however, is that often individuals who were raised in cultures other than western white culture couldn't relate. I was never able to determine if this was truly a difference or a matter of semantics.
I first learned of these family roles through John Bradshaw's popular PBS presentation: John Bradshaw on the Family. I believe he is the one who used the metaphor of a mobile for system balance.
Thanks for very coherent presentation.
Being so much younger than my siblings, I was really a separate family. I once heard of a sub-group of the Lost Child that I related to: The Last Chance Child. This role seems to blend the Hero and Lost Child roles.
I wonder if you could speak to that?
We are all human regardless of cultures, the difference is that non western cultures still have remnants of traditional life which isn't always bad but when it comes to these topics there is often deep denial. Things like family duty and faith have been so embedded that they feel like second nature and not something that could be "wrong" in any way, but things have been changing in the last few years as information on these topics spreads more and reach a wider audience, and is also available in other languages too. It also seems that people in general, especially those born in 1980s and after are more open to at least giving this some thought, plus therapy has become destigmatized.
Is it possible to be all of these? I was the hero child until the end of highschool. Then i became the scapegoat during my early 20s. And now i find myself being the lost child in my family
Yes, as you grow and have boundaries your role changes.
Mascot, later expected to be an enabler, but I kind of just ignored her and she got mad and kicked me out.
I used to think I was the hero child bc my parents were 1000x meaner to my sister...but now I realize I was maybe the lost child while they treated her as hero (publicly)/scapegoat (in private)
Being a lost child made me incredibly independent and self sufficient l. I took care of myself as a kid, never caused trouble, and learned to not ask for things. I came out of the other end in much better shape than she did. It makes me feel guilty TBH. But we are both worlds NT though it and it's brought us closer. Still, I struggle to be emotionally open and vulnerable with anyone but my husband. I have a very weak relationship with my parents.
What if you're the golden child but still the scapegoat?
I was the golden child as long as I didn't question the abuse and continued to meet high expectations.
However, whenever I questioned my role or the family's behaviors, or when the pressure from high expectations and low empathy led to my drug use disorder, I became the scapegoat.
My family, who were unaccustomed to meeting any of my needs, needed an excuse to avoid focusing on my needs so they could get me to focus on theirs
We have all of those roles in my family yet i was the hero child as a kid and switched to the scapegoat when i decided to move out of the family system as an adult for 11 years 2000 miles away…and my older sister went from scapegoat to hero child…
I was n kinda am both the scapegoat and the hero whereas my sister is just oblivious to the trauma with no issues at all.
Your sister was not oblivious but probably learned to avoid and internalize the abuse. We are masters at getting people to think we are ok because that is what our parents taught us through the abuse
Is more likely that you were like me both hero and scapegoat but your sibling was either hero or lost child
As an only child I am all of them and you never know which one it is on any given day. It’s exhausting and has caused complex trauma and a life of secrecy and very little achievement. Now I can see it and it breaks my heart. I’m 61 and really it’s too late for me to “get a life”.
Never to late for you to have a good life .
Yes i am the Scape goat n lost child....no need to go further...after what i read from others.....im one of you
I honestly feel like each one of my syblings were different roles for each parent. I was the hero child to my father but the scapegoat to my mother. I became the mascot for my older brother who was the hero to my mother but scapegoat to my father. My younger brother became the mascot for me but was the lost child to my parents. I don't feel like each role was cemented for any of us it was all dependent upon who we were dealing with because my whole family was not together often even though we lived in the same house.
I feel like im never going to be able to be perceived or perceive myself as an adult. im 34, two babies, is it my clothes, my way of communicating, my way of behaving? I try to do things ''right'' eliminate bad habits, leave an orderly life.. but I still struggle to see my self as an official adult.
In a narcissistic home the kids end up with terrible rage because of the underlying shame and guilt. Wish there were more videos that validated that more.
My mother didn't want me and made a point of telling me repeatedly. As a preschoolers I was angry and depressed. My life was so much better when I got to go to school.
I'm the scapegoat and our brother, golden child blames me for our father going to prison. I have little to no contact with my siblings. My younger sister starts drama, no one calls her out because " it will look bad" growing up I had to put up with it. If I defended myself I was disciplined for it.
I'm most definitely the Scapegoat. I also showed signs for many years of the Lost Child... But my grandmother even told me I was the scapegoat when i was little. I thought she was calling me a goat 😆....
Anyway.. this video is tripping me out...
My older sis is the acheiver.. my little sister is the mascot and ive had it with her... Her behavior is actually what helped me realize that I was in a relationship with a real deal narcissist. I don't know if my little sister is a true narc, but theres a lot there... I thought she was one and it helped me to learn about it which led to my escape... I went no-contact with my entire family. I took my daughter and I escaped my ex and I don't want anything to do with any of them ever again.
So is that how it quits working for the mascot? Fake positivity and not letting us be real or heal or have boundries? Damn.
i managed to escape from tha narc family system and my family are starting to change for the better they dont realy have a choice
I only recently got the “system “ thing 😢❤
I'm the scapegoat and the mascot. Like to make my parents laugh but also like to point out the truth to them.
The Scapegoat ( me ), is usually the one who wants to change themself, the others seem to come down much harder on you, whilst you try and expose the false image of the family system for what it is. I have ended up cutting both siblings ( sisters ) out of my life and gone no contact. I believe that a narcissistic parent is the cause of designating certain roles to their kids within the family unit, and they are to blame and not me, but as we all know, it is never going to be their fault. The Scapegoated child will always be to blame for the rest of their lives ( I am now 50 ) and my relationship with both siblings was going no where. I hadn't even seen them for 8 years, and still I was to blame for anything that went wrong , ...........so I gave up on them. It worsened after my Mum died ( Dad already gone ), the last time I spoke with them, My younger sister was mirroring my Dad to the older sister who was mirroring my Mum to the youngest. What is interesting is that they are both golden children ( one to my father and one to my mother ), and so they were mirroring to each other how specially they were treated by an individually iconic parent.
I decided that this was so screwed up and that there was obviously no room for me any way other than being emotionally trashed. I made the right decision by not having any thing to do with any of them, and remain convinced that they are both Narcissists and that I am the only Empath,..............which is why I was selected to be trashed on in the first place ( by a Narc Mother ). So sad that it takes so many years to work out !
Thank you Barbara for bringing awareness in to the foreground as to what goes on in family systems. Doing this I believe will prevent suicides. God bless ♥
♥♥
Is it possible for the hero child to basically be turned into the scapegoat when they grow up and try to establish their own identity and sense of self? Or sort of step out of line?
Hi Barbara, I was a hero child highly perferming at school, university, PhD etc and once I had to enter the working world, I totally failed. Its as if I only knew how to gather all the information but was totally overwhelmed when I had to use it. As if I was stuck in a school dynamics. Does it make sense to you? I am 60 now and have never worked
Yes, it makes sense. These roles work for us until they no longer do and then - crash! I do think a good therapist can be very helpful in these situations. Another thought is to look into IFS, parts work (I don't have videos on this now, but may in the future).
@@BarbaraHeffernan great!!!! thx a lot!
I recommend Dr.Mandeville highly!
@@keithstewart7514 who is Dr Mandeville?
I have spent 70 years as the scapegoat of a large family. I felt that trying to stop that designation would destroy the family unit. They would not be able to function without someone to blame. Not a good strategy.
Interesting
I wonder if you can have parts of two roles
I was the example because I was the "gifted" child.
So at family gatherings I was shown off
But outside that i was ignored and neglected
Mascot as youngest child. Ten years younger.
Are Roles to People a 1-to-1 relationship?
Can 1 person have many roles?
Like Carl Jung archetypes, i fall into all of them in diff situations (both on the good side and bad sides).
Is it the same with these roles you think?
Can you fill more than one roll? I grew up in a family with two kids, but I think I was sometimes the hero, sometimes the scapegoat
Huh. Seems we have two lost children in my family. My oldest sister and the second youngest. The second oldest and I were scapegoats.
Can you be in two roles because I was definitley the scapegoat & the lost child
Yes, definitely one can have more than one role, and they can change over time.
Little something interesting I lived with my dad and his gf they had a kid together and anyway I was treated as kinda the escape goat or “problem child” it made me really depressed as it would an 11 year old to be blamed constantly for things that they had no part In and I turned into a “lost child from it of course even tho I did leave my room I was still blamed for things and I’m still very drawn away from people and keep to myself from that whole ordeal
can you be the "hero" and the "scapegoat" at the same time ? As an only child I feel like I was both.
I’m the here and the lost at the same time
Can you write a book?
Thank you for asking... ! Maybe one day! What would you like the book to be on?
Oh, yes, please!!! Your joy awakeness and the things you have only on the internet. I just love books. I don t read ebooks or e-information...
@@BarbaraHeffernan I would love to see some sort of children's book that could have enlightened me to the Generational Narcissism roles WITHIN the family dynamics for school age CHILDREN to know not everything that happens behind closed doors should be kept silent if you're entire FAMILY bullies you like the world has done. I'm 60 soon & won't have any thing to do with my entire Narcopathetic famdamnly!
I often wonder if I died would they really care that I was gone n who would take my place. I don’t think they’d are at first they’d act like they care but they probably wouldn’t care deeply or miss me long term they probably would be happy
What happens in a severe and intense case, many years on, as adults, some with children? Say, the roles have imploded/exploded; The family collapsed; Some have died by suicide; Some are permanently mentally ill with frontal lobe damage, hospitalisation and past issues of being a missing person; Some with mental illness are dual diagnoses; All have some form of diagnosed and undiagnosed mental illness; Some are completely cut off from the family and the world, almost in complete isolation; Some have acquired physical chronic stress related illness; The elderly parent is now being abused by the adult children; But they are all still living their roles and in intense denial; The roles are so enmeshed and intense that the roles change and some adult children have many roles? (This is a rhetorical hypothetical, like a thesis question. Please don't reply.)
What happens when you are the only child?🤷♀😩
In my experience it totally messed you up. Wish I'd had sibs so it would have taken the heat off of me!
@@bereal6590 maybe or not? Both my parents are NARC'S dad grandiose, Covert mum.
Sibling is Narcopathetic also and ready to finish me off for the families sake as per mom's final wishes I bc "$pecial Need'$"
I wonder, is it possible that the role per kid is different per parent? F.e.: Dad treat kid A as the hero kid but mom treats it as a scapegoat?
I the lost child
Can a child be in more than one role?
I think I am all, except for the golden child…
I have been lied to everyday of my life. I do not claim that a blonde couple are my parents but perhaps they killed their original and maybe use me to fill in for the one they killed. I'm like a continued failure of their choice, not by birth as I still have hope in my heart that my real parents would never harm me.
Im the lost child
I'm weird in the sense that I can see parts of all of these roles in myself, but maybe that's just me being self-centered and imaginative?
As a side note, still in the hypothetical vein. Say the author has many roles and many traumas. When the author goes and has gone to counselling or reached out to services, those counsellors and/or services have either been abusive, exploitative, or services and service providers on hearing traumas, get thrust into their own PTSD, and react by rescuing, overreaction, panic, shut down, dismissal, unintentional abuse, unintentional narcissism; with good intentions. The author can no longer have a 2 way channel interaction with people who need to "help" them. Could you do a video on, multiple family roles put on one person, and what happens to that person taking on multiple changing family roles? Also recovering from and separating in a healthy way, after the traumatic damage of family roles, when children in dysfunctional families become adults and have their own children, amongst a backdrop of multiple chamelechally (that is adaptive chameleon like) changing roles of the survivor.
I aint gon lie im here because im designing a family of characters...
I am the worker bee child - I have to problem solve, take care of all of the sick, take up everyone's battles - raise hell when it's needed -- oops ots exhausting.
I understand that constructs need definition. I feel that this video needs more definition around the degree of dysfunction in the family. Family systems or systems theory is important. However, there are so many additional variables that are inherent to life. With the other variables, personalities, life experiences,, family difficulties or trauma, I disagree with the content description of the rigid roles, that many people experience as children, as described in this video. I don't disagree that there is an outline for these roles. I think people who watch this content, should be better informed. For many years after starting my own family, I left my parent's home in tears, sobbing, after Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not because I was treated poorly at the time or fell into a rigid role. Rather the dynamic of being all together reminded me of how I felt valued as a child. I wasn't any of the roles. My siblings don't fit the rigidity of the roles. We all came from a dysfunctional family.
I think labels help us understand ourselves ro a cerain degree, but, labels are also restrictive.
The most important thing is to get therapy to process hurt and harm many people endure as children. Move through it with a therapist who doesn't define you as a stereotype. (These roles aren't in the DSM 5 as diagnoses). But rather listen to people's experiences, use good therapeutic practices across theories, and allow the individual to grow without having a label as a victim. Again, I realize, many people have been victims of horribly dysfunctional families.
I guess, the bottom line is, most all of us want to understand why we didn't feel safe, loved, or adequate within our families. I don't agree that the 4 roles is applicable to many.
I think this content would be better, if there were more definitions, stats, and examples of the probability of people falling into these roles with a more clearly defined explanation of dysfunction as it applies to families.
Not all countries use the DSM. I agree with the rest of what you said.
Almost skipped your talk. Lots of us , have both parents! And if you do,things don't fallow your story 😢
Your hair looks very good
Absolutely second wife lol 😂 at 8
But, I then have to suppress my emotions when I express them - I am shamed
This is like a taught narcissist chain of hi iq borderline personality grandfather grandfather mom brother son now granddaughter
You are correct mostly. I made the decision to be the one in control of my life, no matter what. I did it I am doing it I have for over 30 years. You never mentioned being responsible for your own life, curious, at 23 I did this. I guess I'm just the odd one out. But wow you offer 6 months of BS to come to a self realization ! I just watch these occasionally for a laugh.
Try familial abuse
The first 30 seconds bro 🥹😭 #seen
I feel like I'm each and every type 😂😂😂
Why not take 200 Tylenol when you're 17? 😅
......oh god. I've been through all 4 stages, and I'm still absolutely livid and defunct......😱😨😢😭😓😠😠😠😡😡😤😤😤😤😤🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬👿👿👿👿👿☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠
I would just like to add that the “hero child” is also known as the “golden child”, terms could be used interchangeably.
- Healing “golden child”. ❤️🩹