My Dad bullied me until he got Dementia when I was in my early forties. He only stopped because the Dementia stopped him. He even bullied me since I've been a married woman with my own home. I can't forgive him and don't want to as I don't think he deserves it. If he can see me now I hope he can see what he has caused. My mother thought the sun shone out of his arse and even when I complained to her she didn't help and just made out it was me. I can't forgive her either. I do feel better though since my Dad died last year. I finally feel like I can breath and be me. My severe mental illness has lifted and my constant thoughts of the way that he treated me have get much better. I feel free. It's a shame it's taken me til 47 years of age to finally start able to live my life. I've been too ill to work for twenty years all caused by severe depression and a bully for a father. I was so lucky though to find my husband twenty years ago. He really did save my life. I know people will say that if I can't forgive that I can't move on but I don't see it like that. I feel more calm in myself now with him not just being here. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. If he had even said "sorry" just once then I might have been able to forgive him but he didn't. He was a nasty piece of work.
My cousin still has not forgiven me for past mistakes I have made and that is totally okay. I am okay with that because I was really mean to her. I want to work on my pain from my childhood but am trying to figure out how to do this on my own instead of making my boyfriend my therapist. He’s very understanding when it comes to my pain my parents not so much ever it’s awful. I’m glad I’m getting some insight on how to work on the pain alone though. Thank you so much your videos have been a true blessing.
Absolute gem of a channel, thank you Daniel for taking the time to make these videos, I'm watching almost every single one of them and taking notes, because I can fully relate to everything you say - and I feel like finally someone is telling me what felt was swept under the rug for years. The traumatic events, the confrontation, the parents reaction to the confrontation. My struggle with knowing how to forgive, trying to forgive, thinking I have forgiven them because I love them but it just being premature forgiveness, because the anger and the pain is still inside me, and them not wanting to accept any responsibility for their actions or even see how their actions traumatised me. There is no doubt that your videos are giving me direction in my own grieving and healing process. I struggle with so many mental health 'disorders' (Addiction, OCD, ADHD, Cyclothymia, Depression, Anxiety) but have never really worked with my childhood traumas, and I'm sure that is the root cause.
THANK YOU! Frankly, I think it is a sign of good mental health and loving yourself to NOT forgive those who did harm to you, unless those people recognize that they have harmed you and ASK for forgiveness. Otherwise, FORGET IT. I feel only anger at people who hurt me and do not recognize that fact and do not ask for forgiveness.
But I noticed that people expect automatic forgivnes for whatever reason. They sometimes would even demand. I am even told I am imaging things done, it was not that bad, it was my fault. I am asked to let go automatically. it does not work that way. I only know is that if I continue to work through it, mostly on my own, I will reach the stage where it will be there... forgivness and all. Thank you for clarifying my own path here. It helps to know it is the logical one.
I came upon these videos by accident, one of those fortuitous happenings that wind up transforming your thinking. If you're out there Daniel and read this, a shout out of appreciation for your honesty, vulnerability and insight. It's so refreshing. Cipporah Taylor
I like your butterfly collection in the background. They appear well mounted and displayed. And your video on forgiveness and blame wasnt too bad either.
I am naturally a very caring person (Empath). When I had a car accident, an operation, or fell from the treadmill, my mother hardly cared.In case of the operation she didn't even ask about me once. It's difficult for me to ask about her now as she fell. My personality would love to do that but my mind says, she never did it, so why should I. The bad experiences even play with your values and personality. Maybe I should still do so at least I can tell myself I've done my best. But now by understanding things more and more, I start actually to not really care anymore as I need to start looking after myself more. It's complicated and not actually my nature.
I totally agree. I don’t think forgiveness is exactly voluntary. You can say I forgive that person, but you can’t force yourself to feel forgiveness in your heart. It’s not a choice you can make. Like you said, it’s a consequence of healing. So I don’t like when people tell you you have to forgive someone. They are basically telling you how you need to decide to feel, and giving you confusing, unrealistic advice that you can’t just will yourself into. If you happen to find forgiveness, you are lucky. And it’s hard to forgive someone for actions they are still doing to this very day, especially when they don’t own up to what they’ve done in the past. How do you forgive that? I’m sorry, I can’t.
Allowed to feel resentment and anger. I think I am very well in that stage. And it hurts. I mean, you can feel it inside. You know who you are angry at. What I found is that I do not hate myself at all. In a way it feels pretty good. My parents indirectly asked for firgivnes. I was told that I am to forgive and move on because I am hurting myself this way, digging through the past. But I could not do it. I feel better in my own skin angry still at them. It does not mean I will never forgive
Lucid, acute, realistic, compassionate and wise analysis on forgiveness and blame. I agree on everything you say because that has been my experience. I'm still working on my anger and rage as a consequence of abuse. I reached forgiveness, as an absence of conflict within myself, concerning a few particular issues. That was liberating. Thank you for offering common sense on this very important subject. You are truly original.
Dr. Susan Forward advances the theory in "Toxic Parents" that forgiveness really means pretend it never happened and is misused as a shortcut in therapy. But it doesn't work because you didn't actually do the full work.
it is true, forgiveness doesn't mean making nice....even if people are wrong about how they express their rage/resentment, consider the source and try to be a little more supportive in their weak moment. ya, it's a shocker that psychology does gave a huge void - without much of a process that offers guidance....it's been my experience that most have little interest in participating in what very well could be a true beginning of a tangible resolution, sadly because even simple acknowledgement is impossible. i just cant be that kid, painfully struggling to fit into the family system of denial >.>
I think the easiest way to view forgiveness was covered in Judith Herman: would a rape victim need to forgive their rapist to move on? It might be a sort of forgiveness--they don't have to think about them anymore--but forgive someone that nearly beat them to death and raped them? There aren't just door number 1 or door number 2--forgive or you're grudging. The point is move on.
very very very good, true knowledge,or real truth or maybe getting closer to pure truth,since pure truth is not attainable i believe will help you forgive yes its a result not something you decide to do, this is just so very good,Thinking about forgiveness as they do in christainioty for example is so silly ,this is one of the best thinking on forgiveness i have heard, Just a wonderful Job,i have learned this concept over many years but havent been able to present it to myself ,this video does
Forgiveness is just a trap The people who force you to forgive someone themselves full of anger and they never forgive the people who hurt them they are just in denial
If you like the butterflies, you'd LOVE the pile of bodies he has in the other room. After all, you know he IS filming in whichever victim's house that is on a given day. Someday, the FBI will have to come to terms with these open taunts.
"Fraternity of parents" This bias is really limiting me, as my current therapist seems to have this in spades. I'm even at odds with my therapist's views on police and how to punish violent offenders sexual predators. My therapist felt a compulsive need to tell me the obvious, that "there are others who think differently, Sandrine," and the WAY she said it was rather smug and condescending, with controlling eye contact and kinesics. I scarcely think a therapist's role is to at all enforce the other view. And there seems to be a "white paper" is-ought fallacy in therapists regarding the crucial understanding that theoretically sound ideas often crumble in the nonacademic setting. I'm also needing THIS therapist to write letters for Gender confirming procedures, and it's like my childhood all over again, where I feel like I need to appease her views and (lack of) senses if I want to have my needs met. As much as I detest lying, I will do it to survive, albeit grudgingly.
Realizing you owe no forgiveness, that forgiveness is not a requirement and can actually hinder healing, is a portal into reality. Thank you.
13 years ago or a week ago, it doesn't matter. These videos are immensely helpful for me. Thank you so much!
0:34 totally agree. Forgiveness is a byproduct, not the goal.
My Dad bullied me until he got Dementia when I was in my early forties. He only stopped because the Dementia stopped him. He even bullied me since I've been a married woman with my own home. I can't forgive him and don't want to as I don't think he deserves it. If he can see me now I hope he can see what he has caused. My mother thought the sun shone out of his arse and even when I complained to her she didn't help and just made out it was me. I can't forgive her either. I do feel better though since my Dad died last year. I finally feel like I can breath and be me. My severe mental illness has lifted and my constant thoughts of the way that he treated me have get much better. I feel free. It's a shame it's taken me til 47 years of age to finally start able to live my life. I've been too ill to work for twenty years all caused by severe depression and a bully for a father. I was so lucky though to find my husband twenty years ago. He really did save my life. I know people will say that if I can't forgive that I can't move on but I don't see it like that. I feel more calm in myself now with him not just being here. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. If he had even said "sorry" just once then I might have been able to forgive him but he didn't. He was a nasty piece of work.
There's a point where forgiveness is fawning. It's learned as a survival mechanism.
My cousin still has not forgiven me for past mistakes I have made and that is totally okay. I am okay with that because I was really mean to her.
I want to work on my pain from my childhood but am trying to figure out how to do this on my own instead of making my boyfriend my therapist. He’s very understanding when it comes to my pain my parents not so much ever it’s awful. I’m glad I’m getting some insight on how to work on the pain alone though. Thank you so much your videos have been a true blessing.
Absolute gem of a channel, thank you Daniel for taking the time to make these videos, I'm watching almost every single one of them and taking notes, because I can fully relate to everything you say - and I feel like finally someone is telling me what felt was swept under the rug for years. The traumatic events, the confrontation, the parents reaction to the confrontation.
My struggle with knowing how to forgive, trying to forgive, thinking I have forgiven them because I love them but it just being premature forgiveness, because the anger and the pain is still inside me, and them not wanting to accept any responsibility for their actions or even see how their actions traumatised me.
There is no doubt that your videos are giving me direction in my own grieving and healing process. I struggle with so many mental health 'disorders' (Addiction, OCD, ADHD, Cyclothymia, Depression, Anxiety) but have never really worked with my childhood traumas, and I'm sure that is the root cause.
Your channel is life changing! ❤
THANK YOU! Frankly, I think it is a sign of good mental health and loving yourself to NOT forgive those who did harm to you, unless those people recognize that they have harmed you and ASK for forgiveness. Otherwise, FORGET IT. I feel only anger at people who hurt me and do not recognize that fact and do not ask for forgiveness.
But I noticed that people expect automatic forgivnes for whatever reason. They sometimes would even demand. I am even told I am imaging things done, it was not that bad, it was my fault. I am asked to let go automatically. it does not work that way. I only know is that if I continue to work through it, mostly on my own, I will reach the stage where it will be there... forgivness and all. Thank you for clarifying my own path here. It helps to know it is the logical one.
I came upon these videos by accident, one of those fortuitous happenings that wind up transforming your thinking. If you're out there Daniel and read this, a shout out of appreciation for your honesty, vulnerability and insight. It's so refreshing.
Cipporah Taylor
thank you Cipporah. I got your message and appreciate your words. sending greetings---daniel
Agreed, forgiveness is a consequence, it's really good to get there.
Absolute best therapist on youtube.....hands down. Your healing ideas are so obvious yet so ignored on the mental health community.
I just love the editing of your 2010 videos.
They show me your sense of humor and it’s amazing! ❤❤
I like your butterfly collection in the background. They appear well mounted and displayed. And your video on forgiveness and blame wasnt too bad either.
I am naturally a very caring person (Empath). When I had a car accident, an operation, or fell from the treadmill, my mother hardly cared.In case of the operation she didn't even ask about me once. It's difficult for me to ask about her now as she fell. My personality would love to do that but my mind says, she never did it, so why should I. The bad experiences even play with your values and personality. Maybe I should still do so at least I can tell myself I've done my best. But now by understanding things more and more, I start actually to not really care anymore as I need to start looking after myself more. It's complicated and not actually my nature.
I totally agree. I don’t think forgiveness is exactly voluntary. You can say I forgive that person, but you can’t force yourself to feel forgiveness in your heart. It’s not a choice you can make. Like you said, it’s a consequence of healing. So I don’t like when people tell you you have to forgive someone. They are basically telling you how you need to decide to feel, and giving you confusing, unrealistic advice that you can’t just will yourself into. If you happen to find forgiveness, you are lucky. And it’s hard to forgive someone for actions they are still doing to this very day, especially when they don’t own up to what they’ve done in the past. How do you forgive that? I’m sorry, I can’t.
Allowed to feel resentment and anger. I think I am very well in that stage. And it hurts. I mean, you can feel it inside. You know who you are angry at. What I found is that I do not hate myself at all. In a way it feels pretty good. My parents indirectly asked for firgivnes. I was told that I am to forgive and move on because I am hurting myself this way, digging through the past. But I could not do it. I feel better in my own skin angry still at them. It does not mean I will never forgive
Good work, you are great
Lucid, acute, realistic, compassionate and wise analysis on forgiveness and blame. I agree on everything you say because that has been my experience. I'm still working on my anger and rage as a consequence of abuse. I reached forgiveness, as an absence of conflict within myself, concerning a few particular issues. That was liberating. Thank you for offering common sense on this very important subject. You are truly original.
yoooooouuu arrrrrreeeee BRILLIANT!!!!!! OMG
STOP THE FANTASY BOND WITH PARENTS. Until u do u will never recover.
Dr. Susan Forward advances the theory in "Toxic Parents" that forgiveness really means pretend it never happened and is misused as a shortcut in therapy. But it doesn't work because you didn't actually do the full work.
Excellent 🌹
Thank you
it is true, forgiveness doesn't mean making nice....even if people are wrong about how they express their rage/resentment, consider the source and try to be a little more supportive in their weak moment. ya, it's a shocker that psychology does gave a huge void - without much of a process that offers guidance....it's been my experience that most have little interest in participating in what very well could be a true beginning of a tangible resolution, sadly because even simple acknowledgement is impossible. i just cant be that kid, painfully struggling to fit into the family system of denial >.>
Thank you very much for this video.
I think the easiest way to view forgiveness was covered in Judith Herman: would a rape victim need to forgive their rapist to move on? It might be a sort of forgiveness--they don't have to think about them anymore--but forgive someone that nearly beat them to death and raped them? There aren't just door number 1 or door number 2--forgive or you're grudging. The point is move on.
Interesting view on blame. Although it doesn't tell me much about how to not get stuck in blame. That's the hard part.
Same
same
Very insightful.
This is brilliant!
Im ADDICTED to ur vids while i should read plato!
Nice guitar, is it yours?
Yes, it is.
very very very good, true knowledge,or real truth or maybe getting closer to pure truth,since pure truth is not attainable i believe will help you forgive yes its a result not something you decide to do, this is just so very good,Thinking about forgiveness as they do in christainioty for example is so silly ,this is one of the best thinking on forgiveness i have heard, Just a wonderful Job,i have learned this concept over many years but havent been able to present it to myself ,this video does
Forgiveness is just a trap
The people who force you to forgive someone themselves full of anger and they never forgive the people who hurt them they are just in denial
i'm working through my anger at seeing dead butterflies in this video.. still haven't let go
If you like the butterflies, you'd LOVE the pile of bodies he has in the other room.
After all, you know he IS filming in whichever victim's house that is on a given day. Someday, the FBI will have to come to terms with these open taunts.
@@Evernia6181 lol
I don't forgive my community or anyone. I NEVER WILL
"Fraternity of parents"
This bias is really limiting me, as my current therapist seems to have this in spades.
I'm even at odds with my therapist's views on police and how to punish violent offenders sexual predators.
My therapist felt a compulsive need to tell me the obvious, that "there are others who think differently, Sandrine," and the WAY she said it was rather smug and condescending, with controlling eye contact and kinesics.
I scarcely think a therapist's role is to at all enforce the other view.
And there seems to be a "white paper" is-ought fallacy in therapists regarding the crucial understanding that theoretically sound ideas often crumble in the nonacademic setting.
I'm also needing THIS therapist to write letters for Gender confirming procedures, and it's like my childhood all over again, where I feel like I need to appease her views and (lack of) senses if I want to have my needs met. As much as I detest lying, I will do it to survive, albeit grudgingly.
Martin Miller, the son of Alice Miller