I understand your warning. I would never confront my parents anymore, because it's useless. They can't hear me, they are so wrapped up into their little world of lies. I tried to confront my mother once, in a very calculated, very diplomatic manner. I said stuff like: "I know you never meant to hurt me, I know you love me very much (not), but when you were calling me names and threatening to put me into a garbage bag for the garbage men to take, I was very scared and very hurt". And she raged at me. She said people had put ideas inside my head, she said she always did her best for me, that I was never hurt and that I was sick for thinking that I was. Then, she proceeded to tell me ways in which my father had failed her. I mean, how disconnected that is? Yeah, my father treats you badly. So, what the hell are you doing with him? And how is it my problem? Find another guy for all I care! And how is it relevant to you hurting me? What, are you justified to hurt your kids because you're hurting as well? That's sick! And she claims to be a good mother! Worse, she has all society backing her! And I'm the one who's fucked up. How frustrating that is!
I just tried confronting my mom... well it wasn't really confronting, it was more like I wanted to understand why she gets so upset when I don't want to go to a family event and she went off on me. Like this dude said, she was like an entitled child acting inappropriately, with the crocodile tears and everything. My girlfriend and I would fight due to miscommunication so better communication fixes our problems. I figure maybe I try that with my f*cked up parents but... lol it's not miscommunication, they're messed up and are incapable of problem solving. It was enlightening. It hit me that my maturity level has passed my parents and I felt like a grown up. I agree with Daniel in that if people are expecting love, they shouldn't confront their parents. I was honestly shocked by my own reaction to my mom's outburst, I wasn't even hurt, and I think it was because I wasn't expecting anything normal from her to begin with... I only asked her "why" out of curiosity since I don't understand personality disorder mentality.
I know this is supposed to be about confronting messed up parents and my story wasn't confrontation but I learned that if you have f*cked up parents, you have to accept they're messed up and walk away - it's hard at first but then there's a sense of freedom, because you're no longer responsible for them. My take on it is, these parents had kids so the kids can be the parents they never had - to love them unconditionally but... you learn it's not your job and dropping a job forced onto you feels awesome, honestly...
This denial is at the root of society and actually supported by what you so rightly call our 'unhealthy norm'. This is a brilliant video. I have come across so many devastating stories in psychiatry, which supports dysfunctional family systems instead of the wounded child adult. I agree allies and supports are crucial.
Daniel. I cant explain how much ur bluntness hit home. I have watched alot of this sort of stuff but u really shut out all the crap. When I thought you were breaking the glass of bullshit you just kept throwing rocks & have basically stopped me feeling guilty about my drunken parents abuse.
from the best stuff i've read, there's no evidence for a genetic link in "mental disorders." the works of jay joseph, phd clear this one up pretty well. (he has books on the subject and a really good website, and he's very well-respected.) childhood trauma within families fairly easily explain the concordance rates of "mental disorders" within families.
This is an excellent precis of the risks and values of confronting parents. I think this video is potentially HUGELY useful for helping people think through what can be a life changing decision
thank you. these two videos are *dead on* and i couldnt even believe how much i resonated with it, and the fact that i was not the only person dealing with this. ohhhh if i had only watched this years ago. it was very helpful even now, but had i had this understanding years ago i would have done a LOT of things differently. this is a very painful thing, and what makes it so potentially much much more harmful than maybe a boyfriend/girlfriend etc hurting you is that we are taught (cont)
Does anyone else feel that confronting their parents nearly brought them to the brink of violence?? Being gas lighted was crazy making and almost made me lose my sanity and my self-control. Surely I am not the only one who has ever felt pushed to the limit of human endurance?
Thank you so much for this brilliant video. I confronted my parents years ago and indeed, what they have done is to sabotage my relationship within the family system. It is very painful- I have found books by Bradshaw, "Controlling Parents" by Dan Neuharth PhD and "Will I ever be Good Enough" to be VERY helpful in understanding family systems. Everything you talk about is so very valuable, please continue with the videos! Thank you!
Ive been through all of it. Tried to confront them so many times, even as a child because i have seen their sick behaviour. It never pays off. This and the video before are so spot on. But also incredibly validating. Thank you for your work, Daniel. Just being able to listen to your words on its own, is therapy - in times where i cant have a therapist on my own
I had to break even harder with my sister than with my parents! She really really doesn’t want to know just how shitty we had it and is convinced there is something wrong with me. And she tries to convince others in the family.
I'm glad I confronted my father who left me and didn't care much about me but on rare occasions when we met he acted as if everything was just absolutely fine between us. So, finally, at the age of 30 I confronted him, yes, expecting him to now love me properly (ha ha ha). He behaved as if he didn't understand what I was talking about. Nothing has changed in his approach but it was very liberating because from that moment on I could totally break away from him without feeling sorry and I didn't have to participate in that stupid game ” everything's ok between us” anymore. However, my relationship with my mother is a lot more entangled and I wouldn't even know where to start if I was to confront her. I guess I need to become a fully separate person from her which only now I'm realising has been the problem. Quite recently I realised that in our relationship I was forced into being a parent who, as you said, loves her unconditionally, comforts her, supports emotionally etc. It's ok for an adult but i've been doing that since I remember. So, I'm slowly but systematically cutting all kinds of invisible cords in which I've been entangled. It is really horrible to realize how manipulative she is whereas I've always seen her as a poor victim.
Thank you for posting this work and for your dedication to empathizing with children. The part in this video where you pointed out that it doesn't work to confront parents in the hope that they will then own what they did and love you properly really hit home for me. That was how I approached it and while I learned a lot from the devastation that followed, it's pretty excruciating.
(cont 2) which unfortunately leads to self deprecating and negative behaviors that the parents can then turn right around on them and say "see, i told you you were bad/unloveable/burdensome/etc. this is a cycle VERY difficult to break. i think you addressed it very well and with great understanding.
(cont) from birth that basically your mother and your father are supposed to love you unconditionally and more than anyone else in the world. that is the message all of the media and disney movies and childrens shows and whatnot tell a child. yet when this is not happening, it is extremely confusing and then painful for the child because usually the child will believe that if that is the norm, and they are not getting it, that it is their fault. this sets them up negatively for life. (cont)
This is so helpful. I'm in a place to finally deal with this anger, un-forgiveness and to mourn the loss of what I really wanted. Mostly, I think I need to finally fully accept that they rejected me and that they did not love me because THEY could not love me. I knew about the confrontation thing and that they'd never "fess up." But I relate to the idea that "maybe they'll change" scenario. God bless you, brother. XO
No...they really won't change. There is no fixing them, no changing them, no help from or for them. You are just going to get hurt. I'm 52. I went to zero contact with the entire "fam" about 12 years ago and I feel like its been the best thing I ever did. During this time away from them, I grew in confidence, got control of my demons and I started actually liking myself and feeling happy. Recently, due to my daughters wedding I started having some contact with them again. It didn't take long to see why I cut them off a decade ago. Please save yourself a lot of pain and (if you can) cut them loose!
If someone intends to confront their parents without back up or support at the time, perhaps it would be useful to write a letter to rehearse the dialogue. If the plan doesn't go as expected and nothing gets said -- because actual person to person dialog is not easy if not experienced previously! If all attempts backfire, at least leaving the letter could serve as a door opener, putting them on notice. Of course this delays everything, including earning respect for one's self. At least the attempt to lay cards on the table would serve as a mini win! No one wants to open Pandora's box!
OMIGOSH THANK YOU FOR making this video man. MY PARENTS HAVE RUINED MY LIFE they have had me locked up, made me the pariah of both sides of the family and estranged me from loved ones, have been responsible for killing my loved pets! they also have socially crippled me and i believe contributed to my mental instability even now...! anyone else have a similar experience? ever been locked into a looney bin ??? replies...
glad to hear you found value in this, alendra. i actually just published a book on this subject, in case you might be interested. wildtruth.net/breaking-from-your-parents/ all the best to you, daniel
+D Rock hi D Rock -- thanks :) glad to hear this. not to push my own work, but you might like a book i wrote a couple of years ago on this subject, called "breaking from your parents." (it's got a whole section on confronting parents.) it's only five bucks as a kindle download or a pdf. wildtruth.net/breaking-from-your-parents/ all the best to you! daniel
Thank you for posting this video. I’m in the middle of trying to navigate confronting my mother to try to regain some peace and my life and it’s uncovering a lot of emotions in me I didn’t know were there. It’s been overwhelming and confusing so I looked up confronting parents on TH-cam and came across your videos.
when i confronted my father, a holocaust survivor - he went running to my sisters accusing me of worse persecution than the Nazis, who murdered his 7 brothers and sisters and parents. Then they became the persecutors to me, so i stepped off the drama triangle and cut off all contact with my family for 6 months. when i confronted my father over his manipulative comments, he said he didn't say the Nazis, he said he referred to his persecutors as Germans, as if that absolved him.
I'm glad I don't really want to confront them. I don't think there's anything to be gained, and I also don't want to "go back"--or explain myself. I think I worked it out myself. I guess I'm just Done.
What if I have no allies? Also, I have a tendency to be aggressive in confronting. I go all out shouting and raging. How do I put a stop to it? The reason I'm like this is because no one listens to me when even if I speak softly. I don't manipulate, and I try to be aware if I end up manipulating unknowingly, but I try to be soft-spoken and diplomatic. Btw, I don't think diplomacy is always a good thing.
I get denial and blame....and the stories as they happened get changed.....twisting of facts....and then they contact other members and make it sound like your the crazy one....yea
I confronted my parents and they agreed to talk about it...BUT they are super cool parents and their abuse was soft. For example, they didn't care ENOUGH to see me in depression during my teenage years, or take seriously enough the fact that I hated school. ... they knew it at the time and we talked about it but they didn't change their lives to help me, didn't even really have the idea to send me to a shrink... But here we are talking about it a lot and most of the stuff I say goes down well. At the moment I'm trying to convince them of veganism. Which includes an indirect criticism of the fact that I've been eating animals when I was a child and they have make me believed that it's "normal" and that animals don't go through hell because of it. So they're "digesting" the information... but they're going to be, for sure. ☺️
Hi Daniel, but my point here is that, for me, trying to find allies is like conflictive, is like trying to find another parent figure. I cannot trust in people till im more or less free from my attachment, so in that sense it seems that is an alone path
is it possible for me to gain support from my older siblings that my mother is emotionally abusing me? I am going away soon but i don't think my mother relaizes that after I'm gone, she may not have me to slave on every single thing in her life. I have lost so many opportunity to become what i always wanted to be on the account of my needy and selfish mother. I want my sisters and brother to take some responsibility because I am sick and tired of being devoid of love and care. a letter perhaps?
Sometimes mental disorders can be genetically passed down. My older brother and I think realistically, but my sister and father are schizophrenic (with NPD), and my sister has back stabbed me many times due to her illness. I have pretty much cut both my sister and father out of my life.
I understand your warning. I would never confront my parents anymore, because it's useless. They can't hear me, they are so wrapped up into their little world of lies.
I tried to confront my mother once, in a very calculated, very diplomatic manner. I said stuff like: "I know you never meant to hurt me, I know you love me very much (not), but when you were calling me names and threatening to put me into a garbage bag for the garbage men to take, I was very scared and very hurt". And she raged at me. She said people had put ideas inside my head, she said she always did her best for me, that I was never hurt and that I was sick for thinking that I was. Then, she proceeded to tell me ways in which my father had failed her. I mean, how disconnected that is? Yeah, my father treats you badly. So, what the hell are you doing with him? And how is it my problem? Find another guy for all I care! And how is it relevant to you hurting me? What, are you justified to hurt your kids because you're hurting as well? That's sick!
And she claims to be a good mother! Worse, she has all society backing her! And I'm the one who's fucked up.
How frustrating that is!
intense......and sad. thanks for sharing that virtualmint. wish i didn't relate to it so well....... ---daniel
I just tried confronting my mom... well it wasn't really confronting, it was more like I wanted to understand why she gets so upset when I don't want to go to a family event and she went off on me. Like this dude said, she was like an entitled child acting inappropriately, with the crocodile tears and everything. My girlfriend and I would fight due to miscommunication so better communication fixes our problems. I figure maybe I try that with my f*cked up parents but... lol it's not miscommunication, they're messed up and are incapable of problem solving. It was enlightening. It hit me that my maturity level has passed my parents and I felt like a grown up. I agree with Daniel in that if people are expecting love, they shouldn't confront their parents. I was honestly shocked by my own reaction to my mom's outburst, I wasn't even hurt, and I think it was because I wasn't expecting anything normal from her to begin with... I only asked her "why" out of curiosity since I don't understand personality disorder mentality.
I know this is supposed to be about confronting messed up parents and my story wasn't confrontation but I learned that if you have f*cked up parents, you have to accept they're messed up and walk away - it's hard at first but then there's a sense of freedom, because you're no longer responsible for them. My take on it is, these parents had kids so the kids can be the parents they never had - to love them unconditionally but... you learn it's not your job and dropping a job forced onto you feels awesome, honestly...
This denial is at the root of society and actually supported by what you so rightly call our 'unhealthy norm'.
This is a brilliant video. I have come across so many devastating stories in psychiatry, which supports dysfunctional family systems instead of the wounded child adult. I agree allies and supports are crucial.
Daniel. I cant explain how much ur bluntness hit home. I have watched alot of this sort of stuff but u really shut out all the crap. When I thought you were breaking the glass of bullshit you just kept throwing rocks & have basically stopped me feeling guilty about my drunken parents abuse.
from the best stuff i've read, there's no evidence for a genetic link in "mental disorders." the works of jay joseph, phd clear this one up pretty well. (he has books on the subject and a really good website, and he's very well-respected.) childhood trauma within families fairly easily explain the concordance rates of "mental disorders" within families.
This is an excellent precis of the risks and values of confronting parents. I think this video is potentially HUGELY useful for helping people think through what can be a life changing decision
thank you. these two videos are *dead on* and i couldnt even believe how much i resonated with it, and the fact that i was not the only person dealing with this. ohhhh if i had only watched this years ago. it was very helpful even now, but had i had this understanding years ago i would have done a LOT of things differently. this is a very painful thing, and what makes it so potentially much much more harmful than maybe a boyfriend/girlfriend etc hurting you is that we are taught (cont)
Does anyone else feel that confronting their parents nearly brought them to the brink of violence?? Being gas lighted was crazy making and almost made me lose my sanity and my self-control. Surely I am not the only one who has ever felt pushed to the limit of human endurance?
Oh yea. That’s exactly what they want. They want more pain.
You were feeling exactly how they wanted us to feel. They are craziness itself
Thank you so much for this brilliant video.
I confronted my parents years ago and indeed, what they have done is to sabotage my relationship within the family system. It is very painful- I have found books by Bradshaw, "Controlling Parents" by Dan Neuharth PhD and "Will I ever be Good Enough" to be VERY helpful in understanding family systems.
Everything you talk about is so very valuable, please continue with the videos! Thank you!
Ive been through all of it. Tried to confront them so many times, even as a child because i have seen their sick behaviour. It never pays off.
This and the video before are so spot on. But also incredibly validating. Thank you for your work, Daniel. Just being able to listen to your words on its own, is therapy - in times where i cant have a therapist on my own
I had to break even harder with my sister than with my parents! She really really doesn’t want to know just how shitty we had it and is convinced there is something wrong with me. And she tries to convince others in the family.
Yeah, many of us spent our childhoods being the family Scapegoat!
I'm glad I confronted my father who left me and didn't care much about me but on rare occasions when we met he acted as if everything was just absolutely fine between us. So, finally, at the age of 30 I confronted him, yes, expecting him to now love me properly (ha ha ha). He behaved as if he didn't understand what I was talking about. Nothing has changed in his approach but it was very liberating because from that moment on I could totally break away from him without feeling sorry and I didn't have to participate in that stupid game ” everything's ok between us” anymore.
However, my relationship with my mother is a lot more entangled and I wouldn't even know where to start if I was to confront her. I guess I need to become a fully separate person from her which only now I'm realising has been the problem. Quite recently I realised that in our relationship I was forced into being a parent who, as you said, loves her unconditionally, comforts her, supports emotionally etc. It's ok for an adult but i've been doing that since I remember. So, I'm slowly but systematically cutting all kinds of invisible cords in which I've been entangled. It is really horrible to realize how manipulative she is whereas I've always seen her as a poor victim.
Thank you for posting this work and for your dedication to empathizing with children. The part in this video where you pointed out that it doesn't work to confront parents in the hope that they will then own what they did and love you properly really hit home for me. That was how I approached it and while I learned a lot from the devastation that followed, it's pretty excruciating.
(cont 2) which unfortunately leads to self deprecating and negative behaviors that the parents can then turn right around on them and say "see, i told you you were bad/unloveable/burdensome/etc. this is a cycle VERY difficult to break. i think you addressed it very well and with great understanding.
these are the answers ive been looking for, for years actually. thank you so much for your work.
cool -- that makes me happy. all the best, daniel
Me too thank you Daniel
(cont) from birth that basically your mother and your father are supposed to love you unconditionally and more than anyone else in the world. that is the message all of the media and disney movies and childrens shows and whatnot tell a child. yet when this is not happening, it is extremely confusing and then painful for the child because usually the child will believe that if that is the norm, and they are not getting it, that it is their fault. this sets them up negatively for life. (cont)
This is so helpful. I'm in a place to finally deal with this anger, un-forgiveness and to mourn the loss of what I really wanted. Mostly, I think I need to finally fully accept that they rejected me and that they did not love me because THEY could not love me. I knew about the confrontation thing and that they'd never "fess up." But I relate to the idea that "maybe they'll change" scenario. God bless you, brother. XO
No...they really won't change. There is no fixing them, no changing them, no help from or for them. You are just going to get hurt. I'm 52. I went to zero contact with the entire "fam" about 12 years ago and I feel like its been the best thing I ever did. During this time away from them, I grew in confidence, got control of my demons and I started actually liking myself and feeling happy. Recently, due to my daughters wedding I started having some contact with them again. It didn't take long to see why I cut them off a decade ago. Please save yourself a lot of pain and (if you can) cut them loose!
Thank you so much!
thank you! --- daniel
If someone intends to confront their parents without back up or support at the time, perhaps it would be useful to write a letter to rehearse the dialogue. If the plan doesn't go as expected and nothing gets said -- because actual person to person dialog is not easy if not experienced previously! If all attempts backfire, at least leaving the letter could serve as a door opener, putting them on notice.
Of course this delays everything, including earning respect for one's self. At least the attempt to lay cards on the table would serve as a mini win! No one wants to open Pandora's box!
OMIGOSH THANK YOU FOR making this video man. MY PARENTS HAVE RUINED MY LIFE they have had me locked up, made me the pariah of both sides of the family and estranged me from loved ones, have been responsible for killing my loved pets! they also have socially crippled me and i believe contributed to my mental instability even now...! anyone else have a similar experience? ever been locked into a looney bin ??? replies...
glad to hear you found value in this, alendra. i actually just published a book on this subject, in case you might be interested. wildtruth.net/breaking-from-your-parents/ all the best to you, daniel
OMG, Daniel, I don't know why I'm just now finding you, but you are so beautiful! And this is really helpful. Thank you
+D Rock hi D Rock -- thanks :) glad to hear this. not to push my own work, but you might like a book i wrote a couple of years ago on this subject, called "breaking from your parents." (it's got a whole section on confronting parents.) it's only five bucks as a kindle download or a pdf. wildtruth.net/breaking-from-your-parents/ all the best to you! daniel
Daniel Mackler Thanks for that info, handsome. I will check it out.
Confronting toxic parents is like confronting a lion or tiger and asking them why they hunt and kill other 4 legged creatures.
Thank you for posting this video. I’m in the middle of trying to navigate confronting my mother to try to regain some peace and my life and it’s uncovering a lot of emotions in me I didn’t know were there. It’s been overwhelming and confusing so I looked up confronting parents on TH-cam and came across your videos.
thank you---much appreciated!
Thank you so much for this video.
Your insight is so vital.
This is a great video! I can relate to a lot of this.
when i confronted my father, a holocaust survivor - he went running to my sisters accusing me of worse persecution than the Nazis, who murdered his 7 brothers and sisters and parents. Then they became the persecutors to me, so i stepped off the drama triangle and cut off all contact with my family for 6 months. when i confronted my father over his manipulative comments, he said he didn't say the Nazis, he said he referred to his persecutors as Germans, as if that absolved him.
Walk away.
Avoid drama.
I want to break free, now here's why
Yes it is extremly painful.
I'm glad I don't really want to confront them. I don't think there's anything to be gained, and I also don't want to "go back"--or explain myself. I think I worked it out myself. I guess I'm just Done.
Did you go NO CONTACT, then? Nothing wrong with that, if it lasted and if you're OK with your personal resolution.
@@bellakrinkle9381 No contact for 10 years, other than a handful of texts with my sister a few years ago. And I'm still OK, thanks.
thanks a lot!
What if I have no allies? Also, I have a tendency to be aggressive in confronting. I go all out shouting and raging. How do I put a stop to it? The reason I'm like this is because no one listens to me when even if I speak softly. I don't manipulate, and I try to be aware if I end up manipulating unknowingly, but I try to be soft-spoken and diplomatic. Btw, I don't think diplomacy is always a good thing.
Same
I get denial and blame....and the stories as they happened get changed.....twisting of facts....and then they contact other members and make it sound like your the crazy one....yea
I confronted my parents and they agreed to talk about it...BUT they are super cool parents and their abuse was soft.
For example, they didn't care ENOUGH to see me in depression during my teenage years, or take seriously enough the fact that I hated school. ... they knew it at the time and we talked about it but they didn't change their lives to help me, didn't even really have the idea to send me to a shrink...
But here we are talking about it a lot and most of the stuff I say goes down well.
At the moment I'm trying to convince them of veganism. Which includes an indirect criticism of the fact that I've been eating animals when I was a child and they have make me believed that it's "normal" and that animals don't go through hell because of it. So they're "digesting" the information... but they're going to be, for sure. ☺️
Hi Daniel, but my point here is that, for me, trying to find allies is like conflictive, is like trying to find another parent figure. I cannot trust in people till im more or less free from my attachment, so in that sense it seems that is an alone path
is it possible for me to gain support from my older siblings that my mother is emotionally abusing me? I am going away soon but i don't think my mother relaizes that after I'm gone, she may not have me to slave on every single thing in her life. I have lost so many opportunity to become what i always wanted to be on the account of my needy and selfish mother. I want my sisters and brother to take some responsibility because I am sick and tired of being devoid of love and care. a letter perhaps?
Daniel seems split-off...into 2 beautiful parts.
Sometimes mental disorders can be genetically passed down. My older brother and I think realistically, but my sister and father are schizophrenic (with NPD), and my sister has back stabbed me many times due to her illness. I have pretty much cut both my sister and father out of my life.
👍