Daniel, I have been watching your videos for a while. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you….your humility, insight, independent thinking, kindness. Qualities I find missing in some other You Tube trauma therapists. I particularly come to your videos on bad days (having one now) as they feel like a warm hug. Thank you!
While you are correct that most toxic people forgive themselves far more easily than they would forgive others, there are also people who use constant self-flagellation and self-critique as a way to avoid addressing deeper issues and connecting with their emotional core as well. I think this is a very common self-defense mechanism for people who had unrealistic standards and responsibilities placed on them in childhood. By self-flagellating we make a scene of how “bad” we are in order to preempt others from criticizing us (since that is our expectation of what will happen when we make mistakes). Both sides of the coin are dissociated. This is why having just a single third-party who can accept you as you are, without judgement, is so necessary for healing.
I agree. I'm one who self-flagelates a lot too in what I suspect is a defense mechanism against feeling. I have the suspiscion that it works to keep any kind of self-empathy at bay in order to hold off grieving.
@@pod9363 good point. It might not be a fear of external criticism, but also a fear that people might believe you’re totally okay, which is contradictory to the false self that has been established. Giving that kind of grace to oneself could lead to grief over why that was not always possible.
I'm thinking of creating a channel where we can discuss our journey or progress in this path as just watching a video or gaining knowledge on this topic is not enough, we need someone to practically guide us which is the crucial part of healing. Would you guys be interested?
@@ToddDouglasFox Hi! I've created the channel by renaming my username itself. I've also created our first post. Let me when you're free for our first meet. WE'll maybe have one more person joining us just like you.
Thanks Daniel for your guidance. I can not stress enough how much your counsel has helped me in confronting my past and bettering my therapy. I ve been journaling before I heard about you, but in the last 6 months I started drawing my childhood memories and the grief flood gates have opened.
I have been doing therapy for almost three years, and Daniel's outlook on grieving has confirmed and reinforced what I have learned. I feel very lucky to have had the therapist I found, to have found this channel, and to witness other people go through the same process as I have here in the comments. We're all in different contexts but we all suffer the same way. Daniel is so right in saying grieving's a life saver
Psychotic parents say - its for your own good - lock u in closet for 12 hours - for your own good. They say - I dont need your forgiveness. My Monsters dont need my forgiveness.
EVERYONE is distorted to some degree and it’s the good, honest, authentic decent people who start to stir up the silt so as to retrieve some semblance of self. It’s the hardest probably longest journey anyone can make but the rewards are stupendous. One’s perspective changes along the way from darkness into light. Yes, there is heaven on earth and it resides within. Great video Daniel.
There is so much sadness and anger coming up the last few days that it is scary and I cry and sob like an abandoned baby and there is no one to witnesses that and validate it, apart from Daniel's videos... Strangely enough, it doesn't feel like Depression, although most people would label it as such and rush to advise on pharmaceutical "support", to push it all back in. They don't care about healing, they only care about management of symptoms. The whole Health Care System, whether for mental or physical health doesn't care about healing. The painful process of feeling all the things you were avoiding all your life, but now you cannot anymore, because you know that this is the only way to heal. There is no shortcut. There is no light version. There is no Forgiveness. Feel the feelings! Feel the pain! Knowing that someone else has gone through this and survived is my only ancor of hope in the dark night of the soul. The world may not understand him, but some people will be saved because he was brave enough to share his experience.
It depends on what you mean by "blamed". Holding someone accountable or upholding responsibility for something is not the same thing as blame. There are many people who would argue that blaming anyone is not helpful.
the worst i've ever heard was "i forgive myself for hurting you" which is like WTF?!? I should probably add more context: my dad spent a whole lot of effort, time and money to get to the point where he finally forgave himself for what he did to me growing up... only to then do the exact same things
@@SArthur221 maybe you could say “so you don’t care about my feelings? I haven’t forgiven you because you haven’t sincerely apologized and continue doing it. You haven’t changed.”
Hello, toxic family sibling. I was literally going to post something along these lines about my own father. I've never gotten an actual apology from him for the abuse - mewling please for forgiveness, deflecting from the severity of the abuse by saying stuff like, "I'm sorry we put you under that pressure", trauma dumping, but never, "I'm sorry I abused you and neglected you. I will do better and work to make it up to you." One of the last times I talked to him, I asked him to seek help for trauma, and he said he wouldn't. So to all the dads like mine: "Fuck you, Dad. Your best was abuse and neglect. Your best was willful ignorance. Your best was self-consumed and destructive to everyone around you. It's past time to do the healing work and make amends."
Forgiveness is about understanding that the seeds of disfunction exist in all of us. When we dont deeply, really, truly acknowledge that, we cannot truly forgive and from it live in a state of toxic shame, in ourselves and defining others through it. From this state we start to see others as more than human or less than human. Depending on what we see or live through, we start to define some humans as "the goods ones" the good, fair, trustworthy examples of what it means to be a person, and others as "the bad ones" the rotten, evil, selfish examples of what a person can be. Forgiveness is about recognizing that this is a false dichotomy, that there are no "good people" and "bad people" but that both of these things exist in all of us. You carry darkness in you too, and you too have acted out on others. Whether it was a great evil you acted out or just a small simple thing once in a while, the two are still self same in their essence, and we all carry and have acted out that badness. We all carry the good and bad. Forgiveness is recognizing our common humanity, our capacity for ugliness and failure and biterness, and from that understanding calling the other back in on the level of our mind, from the state of toxic shame we condemn them with from our anger at the wrong they acted out on us. Forgiveness is essential. It doesnt mean you have to continue to suffer the person who wrongs you and shows no sign of change. But forgiveness is first and foremost about the individual, it is a form of psychic hygiene. it protects our own balance, our own relationship with the world around us, and it keeps us centered in the truth, so that we dont have to fall into that suffering state we can enter when we polarize life and people and start to externalize monsters when really the monster is in all of us.
The war ended when I realised I am not who I thought other people thought I was, all along I was me. I sat recently and hated myself for everything, everything I was, said and all I'd done to the point I couldn't do it any longer, I thought I despised my being. I just didn't like who I thought I was, I've always had a different understanding of me, I had to hate myself and bathe in self pity to realise that is not Me. The character I played is the shadow of who I really am, it's nice to feel the light and cast that shadow where it belongs. Life goes on... ❤
How long did it take you to come to this conclusion? I am at a point in my life ,I can't see myself in mirror , I don't want to listen myself , I hate all of me ,how do I come out of this
I'm thinking of creating a channel to discuss and help each other on this journey. Watching videos is helpful, but we need real conversations and practical guidance to make real progress. Would anyone be interested?
So much of healing is about 1) saving ourselves first 2) holding ourselves accountable, which is a feat in itself because our parents didn't hold themselves accountable when they acted out. It's this factor of self-accountability that makes us even begin to embark on the journey to healing, something many others miss out on only because they lack this sense of responsibility. I've also found that the more we live to our own standards (and, by extension, hold ourselves responsible to meet our own standards), there is an unintentional side-effect where we also then begin to hold others accountable to their actions, just like we do to ours. It's this that makes us slowly lose the charge to be attracted to other irresponsible/broken people - essentially those who aren't on the same emotional wavelength as us start to also drop like flies and our lives become drama-free.
So true. If only those people would phrase it like this: You need to forgive the child inside you, he didn't know better and had terrible examples and experiences, now you have to forgive the child, protect that child, and as an adult take responsibility for what you have endured and what you have done. Apologize and grieve, feel the pain you have suffered and in turn inflicted.
@Zercfit That's a very questionable take. The same thing could be said about healing: "Oh, you're healed now? Way to deny your traumas." @GeraldJacobsTH-cam Someone gets it!
We hurt others from our wounds. I did. I was so resentful and envious of people who had great families, and surport. Jealous. It kept me stuck. I did what l did cause l was unconciouses. Now...lts not so easy to attack others cause l see its me.
People who say you have to 'forgive yourself, let go, move on', etc, want your pain to not be happening. Spiritual bypassing, is rife, as is people's monumental effort to avoid feeling any painful feelings. Aside from being just a pseudo type of self-absolvent, self forgiveness also implies that we've done something wrong, where self-forgiveness is seen as a requirement for healing. Self compassion, self inquiry, feeling, and processing all the painful feelings, that's what allows for authentic healing.
I've just watched a video called "you don’t need self improvement, you need self acceptance" by Christina Aaliyah, a young TH-camr. There, she talks about self-forgiveness and made a case for it, which I found compelling. I remember being able to let go of some of my trauma, bitterness and sadness by forgiving myself for not being able to be authentic when I was younger, I kind of missed out on being truthful to someone I cared about. For a long time, that haunted me and I felt a lot of regret. But I forgave my younger self and now, I feel lighter. That's just one example, but I find that when I'm able to finally let go, I am transformed.
I love your takes daniel. I rarely hear anyone speak against forgiveness. And it is a freeing topic to explore. Especially since religion often uses this to villainize the victim- and not the opressor. I am religious myself but I have not made my mind up yet about the take of forgiveness. It always seems forced. The thing my mother said after i was abused was that I need to forgive. In the state I was in, I didnt want to hear that nor did I have any capability to do that. Its strange that we rather push forgiveness on people, when all that really needs to be done is comfort them. Then If they want to forgive. Its their decisions, not someone elses. Or this is the ”right thing to do”. Why isnt it right to hold an toxic abuser accountable. I dont know.
Had a conversation with a disappointingly materialistic person. Slowly realizing the situation, I said out loud: “I don’t blame chipmunks for gathering nuts.”
in the last video daniel made, i asked that he makes a video about self forgiveness because i was struggling with a thing or two that i have done in the past. i have not finished watching the video yet but this is confusing to me. if i know that that action was done by me because of my trauma. and i know that i'm different now i wouldn't do the same specific act. why wouldn't i forgive myself for it ? supposing that the forgiveness would be possible.
I want a video on what new or different methods you're employing to heal your deeper traumas, or if jts just a continuation of the methods (journaling, building saftey, etc) that have worked so far.
I disagree that self-forgiveness is a bad thing. But I do think my disagreement is a question of semantics. Daniel, I think you have forgiven yourself for certain things and I think the grieving and the pain is part of that. If you for example have gone through the pain of misbehaving towards another person and subsequently changed your behavior, I think you have displayed forgiveness towards self. I agree that self-forgiveness can be misused by people who don't want to acknowledge their bad behavior. But I don't think they actually get to the grieving stage. So they say they forgive themself but in reality they don't, they just brush of the problem and continue to act out. But I think it is important to not let this misuse overshadow the value in the term self-forgiveness because I find tremendous value in it and as, according to my definition, you Daniel, are actually doing in this grieving process you describe.
TY for helping me heal from decades working in Psych Nursing & Foster Care to avoid looking at my own pain. I really appreciate your time, love & gift to us all. TY, Daniel.❤🥰😍
Forgiving myself helped me but theres indeed a caveat. I had to blame myself too. I had to allow myself to feel guilty and horrible about it and allow myself to sit with that and be okay with not being the "good person" i thought i was. I had to ask myself, how can i be better and what needs to change? Only then i could forgive myself because life does go on... The past is the past and you have to let go of the hate and live for yourself, even if that means forgiving yourself while those you abused/mistreated suffer. Yes if you can make it up to them, do it. But sometimes leaving them alone helps them too. It depends on the situation of course. never forget what youve done but do let it go and allow yourself to accept yourself
you always have to hate the horrible things done, whether you whether others. Hate what is bad, don't change that. Therapists talk about "let go of hate" rubbish. What the hell do they mean ? Maybe they're scared, maybe they just want you to hum. That is unacceptable from a therapist.
True forgiveness, not the superficial forgiveness that is pervasive, is a process. Forgiving oneself is about be honest, living through the pain of the transgression will be a difficult process perhaps even a lifelong forgiving.
. I feel the same way. I have been through a horrifying childhood. Both parents had psychiatric issues and both abused me. I have come along way. I know so many people who will never look deep within themselves and are self destructive . We live in a mentally ill world. There are no mental health assessments made mandatory for psych doctors, etc. In this country. I've had mental health doctors who re-traumatized me. Thank you for this video!! All your videos have helped me.
All the people who ever told me that, usually ended up trying to sell me on their religion. As a Buddhist, I tend to introspect where abuse and suffering come from... and how I participate in the dance. I danced according to rules, and was abused. I don't need forgiving... the person who stomped all over my feet does!
I say all the time that you ought to forgive yourself, as I've experienced people who harmed me in a way or another, coming back trying to pressure me with all sorts of self violating arguments to let go and forgive them. And I said I'm not doing the work for them, because, I said, that's the biggest, most meaningful journey, the recurring one into oneself. I still stand by this, given my circumstances or any that requires an advise into healing trauma... Ultimately, the profound recognition of one's frailty, and one's strength as well leads to integrating and managing those forces within and thus becoming more agreeable and compassionate towards others as well. And I think, whether expressed or not, a deep forgiving does happen. Thank you, Daniel. ❤
I used to "forgive and forget" the stupid, harmful things I did in the past... I think it was because growing up, there was no such thing as a mistake, only me being a bad, horrible, defective person for not being perfect, according to family and teachers. So I just went by in life not reflecting on anything. It's okay to be a flawed person, no one has ever become a true adult without having to make mistakes and learn. Just make sure you learn.
In 2020 I had heavy panic attacks for 2 weeks. By the end of week 2 I delved into it. I meditated on it and thus reconnected to my subconscious. Only then was I able to see how my pain and defense mechanisms made me so lonely and pushed others away. I saw how I was about to become a bad person too. Since I was able to see all that I was able to change and the panic attacks ended right there and then. If I had to I would go through it again because what I got out of it was the greatest thing I could have wished for.
Thank you for articulating that self-forgiveness on the part of the abuser is actually self-absolution on their oart and not a means to end their bad behaviors and bad deeds but as a means to dissociate or deny any actions they have done to harm just to continhe their cycle. And thank you for saying that often people's parroted solutions to their problems are to simply dissociate. I understand that your emotions shouldn't rule you to the point of starting and perpetuating bad actions, but dissociation from your surroundings or your emotions doesn't mean you're successfully not being driven by them. It just means you're dissociating. And if anything, this video has helped me realize that what people do with their "self-forgiveness" is just being emotionally avoidant and ignoring their past deeds and not taking any actions to improve their patterns in a way that isnt destructive to themselves or other people.
I can add why I think going deep is worth it: Here someone told me (in german) "heulen is heilen" that means "crying is healing" - you have to go deep to get a chance heal. Because after that it is possible to overcome it with laughter. Then I know I made a step forward.
I discovered your channel some time ago and it really is helping me cope with my life situation right now as an 18 years old girl (my profile picture may be misleading lol) moving away from the abusive place. Thank you for what youre doing. ❤
If you "forgive" yourself for having done harm, but continue to commit such actions then that's not forgiveness. That's excusing yourself. You can only forgive what you recognize as being harmful. Recognizing it as being harmful comes with wanting to cease that behavior because it's harmful. Truly forgiving yourself includes turning from that behavior. "Quitting drinking" doesn't mean you say "I quit" then immediately take a swig of whiskey. The issue you have isn't with self forgiveness. It's with self excusing and hypocrisy. Real self forgiveness is rooted in understanding and compassion for oneself and for the harm caused. You can't just "forgive" yourself without accounting for the harm caused.
Thank you Daniel for the validation on forgiveness. My therapist said you have to forgive yourself you’re too hard on yourself. and I asked HOW? He said just do.
Thank you for the message, and agreed! The term "self forgiveness" is a misnomer. There's nothing better than undergoing the process of change to reclaim ourselves from the multitude of distortions.
Being the problematic person that I am, I would never have wanted to be me. But then I would never have wanted to be any of you either. From my own perspective, there's the appearance that I was always hating myself. But whether or not I was, I don't have to hate myself in order to rightly perceive myself as being the victim that I am.
As I said on this channel and have gotten some flack for it, there is NO such thing as “forgiveness”. In fact, no one has actually defined it because they cannot. The colloquial sense of it is that you turn something off inside yourself in order to “move on”. But can anyone do that? After 4 people were recently killed by Hamas after being kidnapped and stolen from their lives for 1 year, the one who could have possibly intervened as little as days prior, asked Israelis to forgive him. For decades I have been writing and speaking about how forgiveness has been used to control others so that those committing atrocities are not held responsible. And the worst of it is that it’s not a real thing. As a professional and a human being, I have been asking others since I was a child to consider WHEN it is they think it’s the right timing to forgive. This is to get them to break free a bit intellectually from thinking there is any good time to “let go and let god” or whatever version of the concept it is they think about when they think it’s “time to forgive”. So here’s what I ask: is it time to forgive 10 years after your child is raped to death? Is it time to forgive 1 year later? How about 1 week later? Is it time to forgive the same day? How about while it’s happening? How about making it a blanket all time release to everyone for everything as soon as you’re experiencing anything that you think may require forgiveness at any point in your life? It’s not a small thing that the concept of forgiveness became a thing for human beings. Life is tough. Taking breaks, wading out to the shore, shutting the mind down, going to a priest for absolution, making things seem simpler by loving someone without having to hold them accountable, pardoning me, pardoning you, letting go of the hurt and indigence, it all makes so much sense why we would have something seemingly real and so simple have such a strong psychological and emotional draw on how we can escape the duality and lack of simplicity in life that wrongs are often committed by those who also do good but these wrongs can be waved off. The harm that humans do is to be expected and warded off with a wave of forgiveness if we just catch that wave. We can love others unconditionally. Love doesn’t need to be complicated and messy, we don’t really have to become empowered in our dealings, we can let things slide, we can move on, we can forgive and perhaps forget. it is so much simpler. I will go a bit further in this comment than I did in my last comment on this channel on this very topic (my last comment was about how my dad would come to me at the end of the day up until I was 11 and ask me to forgive him for the abuse of my mother and my siblings). I propose to anyone who reads this that this concept of forgiveness, this absoute terror of what people term “holding on to grievances”, the way out and through that has been touted as the way to achieve peace on earth - is the very concept (and that is all it is) that has kept us small, lame, weak, disempowered, forever circling around drains of despair and desperation, it’s the Achilles heel as the basis of our existential angst, it is the thing that hold us back, that displaces compassion (who we are in our core). It is the fallacy that we can simply wish away our deep seated wrongs by closing our eyes, tight, squeezing them a couple of extra times, and then opening them to a bright and wondrous fineness that none of the bad interferes with. And if only we all did this at the same time, the badness would all magically go away. Imagine a child wishing away a monster as she or he or they lie under their covers at night, pulling them up tight, closing eyes tightly and blinking to make all the bad go away. All it is is a coping mechanism humanity uses and will continue to use until we realize that holding ourselves and each other accountable for the bad, the wrong, the hateful, the harm is the maturity we seek. It is the solution.
It's tough when almost every therapist told you that what happened is the fault of a parent, but i often heard that i should forgive this person from some close ones... It's like, i often feel like healing and being honest makes you outsider, and its so painful i haven't cut ties with my family completley. Also, a lot of loving people out there and it's so triggering when they love and respext, keep in high regard a person who made me harm myself, both mentally and physically it's just overwhelming when you want to do everything to make your family happyz but just a presence of one person makes me feel like a powerless and scared child. I donttknow how to keep ties with them but cut off thst person who make you feel so small and like s victim
The more we talk about anything - this way or that way - the deeper we press it down, the more compulsive we can become. That's just the nature of thought, it can't but accumulate, sticks to us, no matter what we do. Is there anything we can do? No, but we can expand our sense and limits of consciousness. Daniel suggests that at least we look at ourselves for a start. If we are lucky, a sense of inclusiveness comes from within and overwhelms whatever happened to us or will happen. Then we can handle social expectations with ease and ourselves in all situations.
Thank you Daniel!! Shot right threw my spirit today. This is exactly how I am feeling. Unfortunately pop-psyc is making no-blame, no-shame, aka no responsibility a trendy thing. I told my therapist I should feel some healthy shame about how I’ve been and what manifested in me so that I can grow. These therapist are breeding the future generation of abusers.
I often journal for 3 hours a day yet I don't seem to be getting very far. It feels like there aren't enough hours in the day to process all of my thoughts and feelings. Hopefully there will be a breakthrough soon!!
I find self-forgiveness ok after certain points. When I thought I was dying, there was so much compassion for myself- nobody else mattered, finally. It was just me with myself. And so forgiving myself is me telling myself we can let go, if I want to. It's a cyclic thing, I think. But for ME "forgiving" myself is like choosing to cut a cycle, let it go, whatever. But yea, I don't do that without spending deep time with myself, bc it IS a healing thing. Although "healing" is also taking a weird turn.... We'll see, I guess.
I'm thinking of creating a space where we can come together and support each other on this journey. While videos can be helpful, true progress happens through practical guidance and real conversations. By sharing your knowledge, you could help others save time, and learn from them as well. If you're interested, I’d be happy to have you join!
@@essencer.9494 Hi! I've created the channel by renaming my username itself. I've also created our first post. Let me when you're free for our first meet. WE'll maybe have one more person joining us just like you.
In the same way that we can't forgive someone else unless they truly resolve why they did something bad so it doesn't happen again, it's useless to seek self-forgiveness if we don't or can't fix the reason why we did what we did in the first place.
Yes. Personally, I don’t want the people who traumatized me to “forgive themselves.” I want them to acknowledge what they did to me, apologize, and then do something to try to make up for it, such as recognizing that they are major assholes and then to experience some guilt and stop being an asshole. Won’t happen. At age 40, I tried to forgive them turned out, they thought they were justified in their behavior and when I graduated from college, they told me I must have accomplished it by cheating. I didn’t cheat my way through college AND they were wrong in their behaviors; they continue to be wrong and they don’t want to change and they don’t care how they hurt me. I get to be angry. I am entitled to my anger.
You are entitled to your anger but it won't benefit you. Forgiving doesn't mean you validate bad behavior but it means to acknowledge the bad behavior, learn to identify it and then realizing the anger only leads to bad things. This is a profound and difficult process but a valuable one.
As long as you keep caring about what your abusers do or think, you will never be free from their abuse. Forgiveness is about setting ourselves free from the resentment, anger, and bitterness that wrong-doers bring out in us. Now, whether they "forgive themselves" or not is not something you should concern yourself with as it's outside your control and not even targeted at you.
I feel like going on is futile, but whatever keeps me alive and still existing, I just cannot tap into it anymore, though I did tap into it before and felt a ton of emotions.
Despite her narcissistic attitude, her sacrifices made me realize that she loves me. However, I acknowledge that my parents' parenting and other environmental factors gave me negative effects of my world view and character. Everyone should have time to think about themselves
Thank you, especially for this video. I don't believe in forgiveness. I think it is a man-made invention (to get profit). How do you forgive someone else's deeds or anything else? What power do I have over it? I have no control over it, so why should I have the power to forgive someone else? They should be held accountable. As I should be held accountable for my deeds. I still believe that no one in their right mind does evil purposefully, but if I do, I should be held responsible the same. As you say, I should understand, accept, hurt, grieve, cry,… learn, and grow. Live with it! There are parts of who I am today. And then harm no more. Thank you for your videos! ❤
I know this has nothing to do with the video, but a video on making friends in your 30s would be a great topic to talk about. It's something I've been struggling with for a few years
I like how most of Daniel's thumbnails are just his hands in weird positions.
He throwing gang signs allday XD
@@dualshock3 Lol 😂
Hahahab
😆 True!
@@dualshock3 You bet!
Accepting your mistakes first is a good start.
well said
Daniel, I have been watching your videos for a while. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you….your humility, insight, independent thinking, kindness. Qualities I find missing in some other You Tube trauma therapists. I particularly come to your videos on bad days (having one now) as they feel like a warm hug. Thank you!
Thanks!
Agreed I feel like this guy is willing to be seen more than anyone else. And in that we are able to finally see ourselves. Thank you.
@@wombat7961 Thanks Wombat. Incidentally, I've seen many wombats in the wild in Australia. Lovely beings! Daniel
While you are correct that most toxic people forgive themselves far more easily than they would forgive others, there are also people who use constant self-flagellation and self-critique as a way to avoid addressing deeper issues and connecting with their emotional core as well.
I think this is a very common self-defense mechanism for people who had unrealistic standards and responsibilities placed on them in childhood. By self-flagellating we make a scene of how “bad” we are in order to preempt others from criticizing us (since that is our expectation of what will happen when we make mistakes).
Both sides of the coin are dissociated. This is why having just a single third-party who can accept you as you are, without judgement, is so necessary for healing.
I agree. I'm one who self-flagelates a lot too in what I suspect is a defense mechanism against feeling. I have the suspiscion that it works to keep any kind of self-empathy at bay in order to hold off grieving.
@@pod9363 good point. It might not be a fear of external criticism, but also a fear that people might believe you’re totally okay, which is contradictory to the false self that has been established. Giving that kind of grace to oneself could lead to grief over why that was not always possible.
I'm thinking of creating a channel where we can discuss our journey or progress in this path as just watching a video or gaining knowledge on this topic is not enough, we need someone to practically guide us which is the crucial part of healing. Would you guys be interested?
@@rhettcalloway I think you should. Please comment as to the name of it if you do.
@@ToddDouglasFox Hi! I've created the channel by renaming my username itself. I've also created our first post. Let me when you're free for our first meet. WE'll maybe have one more person joining us just like you.
Thanks Daniel for your guidance. I can not stress enough how much your counsel has helped me in confronting my past and bettering my therapy. I ve been journaling before I heard about you, but in the last 6 months I started drawing my childhood memories and the grief flood gates have opened.
I have been doing therapy for almost three years, and Daniel's outlook on grieving has confirmed and reinforced what I have learned. I feel very lucky to have had the therapist I found, to have found this channel, and to witness other people go through the same process as I have here in the comments. We're all in different contexts but we all suffer the same way. Daniel is so right in saying grieving's a life saver
Psychotic parents say - its for your own good - lock u in closet for 12 hours - for your own good. They say - I dont need your forgiveness. My Monsters dont need my forgiveness.
EVERYONE is distorted to some degree and it’s the good, honest, authentic decent people who start to stir up the silt so as to retrieve some semblance of self. It’s the hardest probably longest journey anyone can make but the rewards are stupendous. One’s perspective changes along the way from darkness into light. Yes, there is heaven on earth and it resides within. Great video Daniel.
Love it----resonance happens!
There is so much sadness and anger coming up the last few days that it is scary and I cry and sob like an abandoned baby and there is no one to witnesses that and validate it, apart from Daniel's videos... Strangely enough, it doesn't feel like Depression, although most people would label it as such and rush to advise on pharmaceutical "support", to push it all back in. They don't care about healing, they only care about management of symptoms. The whole Health Care System, whether for mental or physical health doesn't care about healing. The painful process of feeling all the things you were avoiding all your life, but now you cannot anymore, because you know that this is the only way to heal. There is no shortcut. There is no light version. There is no Forgiveness. Feel the feelings! Feel the pain!
Knowing that someone else has gone through this and survived is my only ancor of hope in the dark night of the soul. The world may not understand him, but some people will be saved because he was brave enough to share his experience.
i hope you feel better my friend. All the best for your journey. sending u lots of love
@@aayushisingh6083 🙏🏻
I have a therapist who thinks no one should be blamed… completely ignoring the total power a parent has over a child. Time to fire her?
Yep.
Yes
@@erikaschaltenbrand7850 I’m assuming you mean no one should be held accountable. Blame is different.
She needs therapy herself hun
It depends on what you mean by "blamed". Holding someone accountable or upholding responsibility for something is not the same thing as blame. There are many people who would argue that blaming anyone is not helpful.
the worst i've ever heard was "i forgive myself for hurting you" which is like WTF?!?
I should probably add more context: my dad spent a whole lot of effort, time and money to get to the point where he finally forgave himself for what he did to me growing up... only to then do the exact same things
That’s crazy.. sounds like the fake apology “I’m sorry you feel that way”
@@Sketch_Sesh if only! i tried talking to him about it and he'd be like "but i already forgave myself for it, so there's no need to!"
@@SArthur221 maybe you could say “so you don’t care about my feelings? I haven’t forgiven you because you haven’t sincerely apologized and continue doing it. You haven’t changed.”
@@Sketch_Sesh good idea! i might try that.. if i ever talk to him again
Hello, toxic family sibling. I was literally going to post something along these lines about my own father.
I've never gotten an actual apology from him for the abuse - mewling please for forgiveness, deflecting from the severity of the abuse by saying stuff like, "I'm sorry we put you under that pressure", trauma dumping, but never, "I'm sorry I abused you and neglected you. I will do better and work to make it up to you." One of the last times I talked to him, I asked him to seek help for trauma, and he said he wouldn't.
So to all the dads like mine:
"Fuck you, Dad. Your best was abuse and neglect. Your best was willful ignorance. Your best was self-consumed and destructive to everyone around you. It's past time to do the healing work and make amends."
I love how this man thinks for himself-a true original and authentic individual. ✌️
Me too, but at the same time I keep in mind authentic isn't necessarily correct.
Forgiveness is about understanding that the seeds of disfunction exist in all of us. When we dont deeply, really, truly acknowledge that, we cannot truly forgive and from it live in a state of toxic shame, in ourselves and defining others through it. From this state we start to see others as more than human or less than human. Depending on what we see or live through, we start to define some humans as "the goods ones" the good, fair, trustworthy examples of what it means to be a person, and others as "the bad ones" the rotten, evil, selfish examples of what a person can be.
Forgiveness is about recognizing that this is a false dichotomy, that there are no "good people" and "bad people" but that both of these things exist in all of us. You carry darkness in you too, and you too have acted out on others. Whether it was a great evil you acted out or just a small simple thing once in a while, the two are still self same in their essence, and we all carry and have acted out that badness. We all carry the good and bad. Forgiveness is recognizing our common humanity, our capacity for ugliness and failure and biterness, and from that understanding calling the other back in on the level of our mind, from the state of toxic shame we condemn them with from our anger at the wrong they acted out on us.
Forgiveness is essential. It doesnt mean you have to continue to suffer the person who wrongs you and shows no sign of change. But forgiveness is first and foremost about the individual, it is a form of psychic hygiene. it protects our own balance, our own relationship with the world around us, and it keeps us centered in the truth, so that we dont have to fall into that suffering state we can enter when we polarize life and people and start to externalize monsters when really the monster is in all of us.
Beautifully expressed Truth ❤
The war ended when I realised I am not who I thought other people thought I was, all along I was me. I sat recently and hated myself for everything, everything I was, said and all I'd done to the point I couldn't do it any longer, I thought I despised my being. I just didn't like who I thought I was, I've always had a different understanding of me, I had to hate myself and bathe in self pity to realise that is not Me. The character I played is the shadow of who I really am, it's nice to feel the light and cast that shadow where it belongs. Life goes on... ❤
Happy for you man ill try this myself, since im at rock bottom atm
@@alanm6o9 it's only ever a moment away. Be nice to yourself, I love you ❤
How long did it take you to come to this conclusion? I am at a point in my life ,I can't see myself in mirror , I don't want to listen myself , I hate all of me ,how do I come out of this
@@adva9212 just keep going.
I'm thinking of creating a channel to discuss and help each other on this journey. Watching videos is helpful, but we need real conversations and practical guidance to make real progress. Would anyone be interested?
That's a powerful message to the psychotherapeutic community - deeply personal and likely something many of us can relate to.
So much of healing is about 1) saving ourselves first 2) holding ourselves accountable, which is a feat in itself because our parents didn't hold themselves accountable when they acted out. It's this factor of self-accountability that makes us even begin to embark on the journey to healing, something many others miss out on only because they lack this sense of responsibility.
I've also found that the more we live to our own standards (and, by extension, hold ourselves responsible to meet our own standards), there is an unintentional side-effect where we also then begin to hold others accountable to their actions, just like we do to ours. It's this that makes us slowly lose the charge to be attracted to other irresponsible/broken people - essentially those who aren't on the same emotional wavelength as us start to also drop like flies and our lives become drama-free.
I like Daniel. He's a good human being.
What i didnt know was that almost every family picks a dog.
Your kindness with the facts has given me much understanding - Thanks 🙏 a bunch.
only dysfunctional families, well yes, that's almost every
You make me want to continue healing , everyday . Another powerful talk. Thank you!
Forgiveness just sounds like another form of denial
So true. If only those people would phrase it like this:
You need to forgive the child inside you, he didn't know better and had terrible examples and experiences, now you have to forgive the child, protect that child, and as an adult take responsibility for what you have endured and what you have done. Apologize and grieve, feel the pain you have suffered and in turn inflicted.
It's actually acceptance. Resentment is denial.
@Zercfit That's a very questionable take. The same thing could be said about healing: "Oh, you're healed now? Way to deny your traumas."
@GeraldJacobsTH-cam Someone gets it!
You are a trusted voice in the wilderness, Daniel. I appreciate all that you share with us.
This speech was powerful, one of the best!
100% agree!
Thank YOU for existing Daniel ♥️
We hurt others from our wounds. I did. I was so resentful and envious of people who had great families, and surport. Jealous. It kept me stuck. I did what l did cause l was unconciouses. Now...lts not so easy to attack others cause l see its me.
Thanks Daniel, as always ❤
I admire you so much. Thank you for speaking up and I sorry you had to go through so much bs
People who say you have to 'forgive yourself, let go, move on', etc, want your pain to not be happening. Spiritual bypassing, is rife, as is people's monumental effort to avoid feeling any painful feelings. Aside from being just a pseudo type of self-absolvent, self forgiveness also implies that we've done something wrong, where self-forgiveness is seen as a requirement for healing. Self compassion, self inquiry, feeling, and processing all the painful feelings, that's what allows for authentic healing.
This is exactly what I needed to hear tonight . Thank you Daniel once again
Once again Brilliance! Sahdu!
This is so solid. You are so solid. We thank you ❤
I've just watched a video called "you don’t need self improvement, you need self acceptance" by Christina Aaliyah, a young TH-camr. There, she talks about self-forgiveness and made a case for it, which I found compelling. I remember being able to let go of some of my trauma, bitterness and sadness by forgiving myself for not being able to be authentic when I was younger, I kind of missed out on being truthful to someone I cared about. For a long time, that haunted me and I felt a lot of regret. But I forgave my younger self and now, I feel lighter.
That's just one example, but I find that when I'm able to finally let go, I am transformed.
I love your takes daniel. I rarely hear anyone speak against forgiveness. And it is a freeing topic to explore. Especially since religion often uses this to villainize the victim- and not the opressor. I am religious myself but I have not made my mind up yet about the take of forgiveness. It always seems forced. The thing my mother said after i was abused was that I need to forgive. In the state I was in, I didnt want to hear that nor did I have any capability to do that. Its strange that we rather push forgiveness on people, when all that really needs to be done is comfort them. Then If they want to forgive. Its their decisions, not someone elses. Or this is the ”right thing to do”. Why isnt it right to hold an toxic abuser accountable. I dont know.
You're right, it is demoralizing when survivors are villainized for not forgiving. It's so healing hearing Daniel speak against forgiveness.
Hitting out of the park again Daniel. Keep up the good work.
Had a conversation with a disappointingly materialistic person. Slowly realizing the situation, I said out loud:
“I don’t blame chipmunks for gathering nuts.”
You cannot forgive someone who isn't sorry. That includes one's self.
in the last video daniel made, i asked that he makes a video about self forgiveness because i was struggling with a thing or two that i have done in the past. i have not finished watching the video yet but this is confusing to me. if i know that that action was done by me because of my trauma. and i know that i'm different now i wouldn't do the same specific act. why wouldn't i forgive myself for it ? supposing that the forgiveness would be possible.
Search for David White the Poet he has a very deep explanation about forgiveness
Yeah… I am unsure if I am just not able to feel sorry or regrets or remorses
sometimes you realise a single sentence tells so much
maybe that's what poetry's for
Shiiiieet.
I totally hear what you’re saying Daniel. This is some really next level stuff❤️blessings to you
I want a video on what new or different methods you're employing to heal your deeper traumas, or if jts just a continuation of the methods (journaling, building saftey, etc) that have worked so far.
I disagree that self-forgiveness is a bad thing. But I do think my disagreement is a question of semantics. Daniel, I think you have forgiven yourself for certain things and I think the grieving and the pain is part of that. If you for example have gone through the pain of misbehaving towards another person and subsequently changed your behavior, I think you have displayed forgiveness towards self.
I agree that self-forgiveness can be misused by people who don't want to acknowledge their bad behavior. But I don't think they actually get to the grieving stage. So they say they forgive themself but in reality they don't, they just brush of the problem and continue to act out. But I think it is important to not let this misuse overshadow the value in the term self-forgiveness because I find tremendous value in it and as, according to my definition, you Daniel, are actually doing in this grieving process you describe.
Daniel, I’m so glad you exist💛
TY for helping me heal from decades working in Psych Nursing & Foster Care to avoid looking at my own pain. I really appreciate your time, love & gift to us all. TY, Daniel.❤🥰😍
Thanks for sharing Daniel. This is very hard work. I understand how truly difficult it is to share as you are. Blessings ❤
Thank you !
Thank you for clearing this up. It helps.
Thanks Daniel!
Forgiving myself helped me but theres indeed a caveat. I had to blame myself too. I had to allow myself to feel guilty and horrible about it and allow myself to sit with that and be okay with not being the "good person" i thought i was. I had to ask myself, how can i be better and what needs to change?
Only then i could forgive myself because life does go on... The past is the past and you have to let go of the hate and live for yourself, even if that means forgiving yourself while those you abused/mistreated suffer. Yes if you can make it up to them, do it. But sometimes leaving them alone helps them too. It depends on the situation of course. never forget what youve done but do let it go and allow yourself to accept yourself
you always have to hate the horrible things done, whether you whether others. Hate what is bad, don't change that. Therapists talk about "let go of hate" rubbish. What the hell do they mean ? Maybe they're scared, maybe they just want you to hum. That is unacceptable from a therapist.
Thank you, David. You help me see and understand my daughter better.
Daniel
@@muma6559 Thank you! 😊
thank you
I am suffering, in pain. It's feel like there is no future. This healing is so difficult.
❤
Forgiveness is a vague and open word, various meanings can be attributed to it, so good to debate the word.
Bullseye! it means pardon
True forgiveness, not the superficial forgiveness that is pervasive, is a process. Forgiving oneself is about be honest, living through the pain of the transgression will be a difficult process perhaps even a lifelong forgiving.
. I feel the same way. I have been through a horrifying childhood. Both parents had psychiatric issues and both abused me. I have come along way. I know so many people who will never look deep within themselves and are self destructive . We live in a mentally ill world. There are no mental health assessments made mandatory for psych doctors, etc. In this country. I've had mental health doctors who re-traumatized me. Thank you for this video!! All your videos have helped me.
should we step in whenever we see parents abuse their kids and say something to them ?
Well said Daniel. I truly forgive myself only if I manage to commit not to do the same stupid mistakes again.
I love your talks, it is amazing truths and real and the best way to be the best you on your own terms thank you for what you do.
All the people who ever told me that, usually ended up trying to sell me on their religion. As a Buddhist, I tend to introspect where abuse and suffering come from... and how I participate in the dance.
I danced according to rules, and was abused. I don't need forgiving... the person who stomped all over my feet does!
Thank you
I say all the time that you ought to forgive yourself, as I've experienced people who harmed me in a way or another, coming back trying to pressure me with all sorts of self violating arguments to let go and forgive them. And I said I'm not doing the work for them, because, I said, that's the biggest, most meaningful journey, the recurring one into oneself. I still stand by this, given my circumstances or any that requires an advise into healing trauma... Ultimately, the profound recognition of one's frailty, and one's strength as well leads to integrating and managing those forces within and thus becoming more agreeable and compassionate towards others as well. And I think, whether expressed or not, a deep forgiving does happen. Thank you, Daniel. ❤
I used to "forgive and forget" the stupid, harmful things I did in the past... I think it was because growing up, there was no such thing as a mistake, only me being a bad, horrible, defective person for not being perfect, according to family and teachers. So I just went by in life not reflecting on anything. It's okay to be a flawed person, no one has ever become a true adult without having to make mistakes and learn. Just make sure you learn.
In 2020 I had heavy panic attacks for 2 weeks.
By the end of week 2 I delved into it.
I meditated on it and thus reconnected to my subconscious.
Only then was I able to see how my pain and defense mechanisms made me so lonely and pushed others away.
I saw how I was about to become a bad person too.
Since I was able to see all that I was able to change and the panic attacks ended right there and then.
If I had to I would go through it again because what I got out of it was the greatest thing I could have wished for.
It's not fun to look at the ugliness inside yourself, and it does hurt. Thank you for talking about what's most important.🌻
it's not about self-forgiveness, it's about explanatory knowledge in psychology.
Thank you for articulating that self-forgiveness on the part of the abuser is actually self-absolution on their oart and not a means to end their bad behaviors and bad deeds but as a means to dissociate or deny any actions they have done to harm just to continhe their cycle. And thank you for saying that often people's parroted solutions to their problems are to simply dissociate.
I understand that your emotions shouldn't rule you to the point of starting and perpetuating bad actions, but dissociation from your surroundings or your emotions doesn't mean you're successfully not being driven by them. It just means you're dissociating.
And if anything, this video has helped me realize that what people do with their "self-forgiveness" is just being emotionally avoidant and ignoring their past deeds and not taking any actions to improve their patterns in a way that isnt destructive to themselves or other people.
interesting perspective, thanks for sharing!
I can add why I think going deep is worth it:
Here someone told me (in german) "heulen is heilen" that means "crying is healing" - you have to go deep to get a chance heal.
Because after that it is possible to overcome it with laughter. Then I know I made a step forward.
I discovered your channel some time ago and it really is helping me cope with my life situation right now as an 18 years old girl (my profile picture may be misleading lol) moving away from the abusive place. Thank you for what youre doing. ❤
Thank you.
Thanks for being real
Excellent! Thank you Daniel ☮
Guys the goat the just posted🙏
This is profound and therefore vital.
Thank you for sharing.
Could you be more bland, please
@@Cynthia-Landers No
If you "forgive" yourself for having done harm, but continue to commit such actions then that's not forgiveness. That's excusing yourself. You can only forgive what you recognize as being harmful. Recognizing it as being harmful comes with wanting to cease that behavior because it's harmful. Truly forgiving yourself includes turning from that behavior.
"Quitting drinking" doesn't mean you say "I quit" then immediately take a swig of whiskey.
The issue you have isn't with self forgiveness. It's with self excusing and hypocrisy.
Real self forgiveness is rooted in understanding and compassion for oneself and for the harm caused. You can't just "forgive" yourself without accounting for the harm caused.
Yes, someone gets it!
Thank you Daniel for the validation on forgiveness. My therapist said you have to forgive yourself you’re too hard on yourself. and I asked HOW? He said just do.
I would love to hear your thoughts on Avoidant Personality Disorder. Cheers
Daniel, thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you for the message, and agreed! The term "self forgiveness" is a misnomer. There's nothing better than undergoing the process of change to reclaim ourselves from the multitude of distortions.
Dan the Man
I have always wondered the same thing!!!
I forgive myself if I’m certain I won’t do it again. If I’m not certain I won’t, I don’t forgive myself and use the pain to serve as my reminder.
Being the problematic person that I am, I would never have wanted to be me. But then I would never have wanted to be any of you either.
From my own perspective, there's the appearance that I was always hating myself. But whether or not I was, I don't have to hate myself in order to rightly perceive myself as being the victim that I am.
As I said on this channel and have gotten some flack for it, there is NO such thing as “forgiveness”. In fact, no one has actually defined it because they cannot. The colloquial sense of it is that you turn something off inside yourself in order to “move on”. But can anyone do that? After 4 people were recently killed by Hamas after being kidnapped and stolen from their lives for 1 year, the one who could have possibly intervened as little as days prior, asked Israelis to forgive him. For decades I have been writing and speaking about how forgiveness has been used to control others so that those committing atrocities are not held responsible. And the worst of it is that it’s not a real thing. As a professional and a human being, I have been asking others since I was a child to consider WHEN it is they think it’s the right timing to forgive. This is to get them to break free a bit intellectually from thinking there is any good time to “let go and let god” or whatever version of the concept it is they think about when they think it’s “time to forgive”. So here’s what I ask: is it time to forgive 10 years after your child is raped to death? Is it time to forgive 1 year later? How about 1 week later? Is it time to forgive the same day? How about while it’s happening? How about making it a blanket all time release to everyone for everything as soon as you’re experiencing anything that you think may require forgiveness at any point in your life? It’s not a small thing that the concept of forgiveness became a thing for human beings. Life is tough. Taking breaks, wading out to the shore, shutting the mind down, going to a priest for absolution, making things seem simpler by loving someone without having to hold them accountable, pardoning me, pardoning you, letting go of the hurt and indigence, it all makes so much sense why we would have something seemingly real and so simple have such a strong psychological and emotional draw on how we can escape the duality and lack of simplicity in life that wrongs are often committed by those who also do good but these wrongs can be waved off. The harm that humans do is to be expected and warded off with a wave of forgiveness if we just catch that wave. We can love others unconditionally. Love doesn’t need to be complicated and messy, we don’t really have to become empowered in our dealings, we can let things slide, we can move on, we can forgive and perhaps forget. it is so much simpler. I will go a bit further in this comment than I did in my last comment on this channel on this very topic (my last comment was about how my dad would come to me at the end of the day up until I was 11 and ask me to forgive him for the abuse of my mother and my siblings). I propose to anyone who reads this that this concept of forgiveness, this absoute terror of what people term “holding on to grievances”, the way out and through that has been touted as the way to achieve peace on earth - is the very concept (and that is all it is) that has kept us small, lame, weak, disempowered, forever circling around drains of despair and desperation, it’s the Achilles heel as the basis of our existential angst, it is the thing that hold us back, that displaces compassion (who we are in our core). It is the fallacy that we can simply wish away our deep seated wrongs by closing our eyes, tight, squeezing them a couple of extra times, and then opening them to a bright and wondrous fineness that none of the bad interferes with. And if only we all did this at the same time, the badness would all magically go away. Imagine a child wishing away a monster as she or he or they lie under their covers at night, pulling them up tight, closing eyes tightly and blinking to make all the bad go away. All it is is a coping mechanism humanity uses and will continue to use until we realize that holding ourselves and each other accountable for the bad, the wrong, the hateful, the harm is the maturity we seek. It is the solution.
👏👏👏👏👏
It's tough when almost every therapist told you that what happened is the fault of a parent, but i often heard that i should forgive this person from some close ones... It's like, i often feel like healing and being honest makes you outsider, and its so painful i haven't cut ties with my family completley. Also, a lot of loving people out there and it's so triggering when they love and respext, keep in high regard a person who made me harm myself, both mentally and physically
it's just overwhelming when you want to do everything to make your family happyz but just a presence of one person makes me feel like a powerless and scared child.
I donttknow how to keep ties with them but cut off thst person who make you feel so small and like s victim
“You are saving your life.”
The more we talk about anything - this way or that way - the deeper we press it down, the more compulsive we can become. That's just the nature of thought, it can't but accumulate, sticks to us, no matter what we do. Is there anything we can do? No, but we can expand our sense and limits of consciousness. Daniel suggests that at least we look at ourselves for a start. If we are lucky, a sense of inclusiveness comes from within and overwhelms whatever happened to us or will happen. Then we can handle social expectations with ease and ourselves in all situations.
Thank you Daniel!! Shot right threw my spirit today. This is exactly how I am feeling. Unfortunately pop-psyc is making no-blame, no-shame, aka no responsibility a trendy thing. I told my therapist I should feel some healthy shame about how I’ve been and what manifested in me so that I can grow. These therapist are breeding the future generation of abusers.
I often journal for 3 hours a day yet I don't seem to be getting very far. It feels like there aren't enough hours in the day to process all of my thoughts and feelings. Hopefully there will be a breakthrough soon!!
Wishing you the best!
@@dmackler58 Thanks and to you, love listening to you talk.🙏👍💖
Emperor Palpatine "Let the hate flow through you"... Good... Good 😈
Why do I want to reconnect with people who did bad things to me but I hate forgiving myself and I'm afraid of being forgiven
I find self-forgiveness ok after certain points. When I thought I was dying, there was so much compassion for myself- nobody else mattered, finally. It was just me with myself. And so forgiving myself is me telling myself we can let go, if I want to. It's a cyclic thing, I think. But for ME "forgiving" myself is like choosing to cut a cycle, let it go, whatever. But yea, I don't do that without spending deep time with myself, bc it IS a healing thing. Although "healing" is also taking a weird turn.... We'll see, I guess.
I'm thinking of creating a space where we can come together and support each other on this journey. While videos can be helpful, true progress happens through practical guidance and real conversations. By sharing your knowledge, you could help others save time, and learn from them as well. If you're interested, I’d be happy to have you join!
@@rhettcalloway sounds great.
@@essencer.9494 Hi! I've created the channel by renaming my username itself. I've also created our first post. Let me when you're free for our first meet. WE'll maybe have one more person joining us just like you.
In the same way that we can't forgive someone else unless they truly resolve why they did something bad so it doesn't happen again, it's useless to seek self-forgiveness if we don't or can't fix the reason why we did what we did in the first place.
That's the problem with forcing anything, it's not a problem with self-forgiveness.
Yes. Personally, I don’t want the people who traumatized me to “forgive themselves.” I want them to acknowledge what they did to me, apologize, and then do something to try to make up for it, such as recognizing that they are major assholes and then to experience some guilt and stop being an asshole. Won’t happen. At age 40, I tried to forgive them turned out, they thought they were justified in their behavior and when I graduated from college, they told me I must have accomplished it by cheating. I didn’t cheat my way through college AND they were wrong in their behaviors; they continue to be wrong and they don’t want to change and they don’t care how they hurt me. I get to be angry. I am entitled to my anger.
You are entitled to your anger but it won't benefit you. Forgiving doesn't mean you validate bad behavior but it means to acknowledge the bad behavior, learn to identify it and then realizing the anger only leads to bad things. This is a profound and difficult process but a valuable one.
As long as you keep caring about what your abusers do or think, you will never be free from their abuse. Forgiveness is about setting ourselves free from the resentment, anger, and bitterness that wrong-doers bring out in us. Now, whether they "forgive themselves" or not is not something you should concern yourself with as it's outside your control and not even targeted at you.
Another truth bomb.
I think it's important to forgive yourself for being human.
Integration of trauma is not the same as moving past it. It's fully recognizing it.
❤❤❤
I feel like going on is futile, but whatever keeps me alive and still existing, I just cannot tap into it anymore, though I did tap into it before and felt a ton of emotions.
💙💙💙
thanks Daniel
Despite her narcissistic attitude, her sacrifices made me realize that she loves me. However, I acknowledge that my parents' parenting and other environmental factors gave me negative effects of my world view and character. Everyone should have time to think about themselves
Thank you, especially for this video.
I don't believe in forgiveness. I think it is a man-made invention (to get profit).
How do you forgive someone else's deeds or anything else? What power do I have over it? I have no control over it, so why should I have the power to forgive someone else? They should be held accountable. As I should be held accountable for my deeds. I still believe that no one in their right mind does evil purposefully, but if I do, I should be held responsible the same.
As you say, I should understand, accept, hurt, grieve, cry,… learn, and grow. Live with it! There are parts of who I am today. And then harm no more. Thank you for your videos! ❤
I know this has nothing to do with the video, but a video on making friends in your 30s would be a great topic to talk about. It's something I've been struggling with for a few years
6:55 same exact thing with my dad. Except it was probably 30-40 times and all verbal abuse
Everyone will become what they hate - best to Love - find a 🌺 flower to love if the people around u rotten.❤
Says who? 😃