Her point about a husband’s “providing gene” kicking in once his wife starts staying home is absolutely accurate. I started staying home when my first child was born in 2014. My husband was only making $35,000 per year at the time and we lived in very expensive South Florida. We cut a LOT of unnecessary things out to make it work. I became extremely frugal. But my husband absolutely blossomed and started his own side gig, and he had the time and energy to do this because he didn’t have to share household and baby responsibilities with me since I was staying home. He was able to fully focus on growing this business. Two years later, when our second child was born, he was able to walk away from his 8-6 job because his business exploded. All that to say, trust your husbands! They can do it. And you can handle being at home. Working as a team does not mean you are both doing the same things.
Thank you for sharing your story! While everyone will not end up having a story like yours, I find it extremely helpful that you share it online, even if some people think it is delusional.
@@pettybetty1791But that’s what we do in a healthy and thriving society, we share stories. We pass down our experiences. Because it’s stories and real, shared experiences that help us learn from other people’s history and point us in the direction toward good decisions that will succeed. Of course no one’s story and no one’s results are going to be exactly the same. But something important to remember is not to make a decision based on fear or shame, but on wisdom. Fear and shame will tell a woman she can’t trust any man. Wisdom will tell a woman she can find a good man and make healthy decisions with him to secure her future before they even get married.
As a male, my faith in the future of western culture is enhanced by listening to Ms. Fisher gleefully describe her obvious joy (and fulfillment) in raising children. The larger conversation happening here is encouraging.
This has been my story. I’m 35 and pregnant with my first. I bought into the lie that I would be just as fulfilled in my career. I’m a therapist and passionate about helping others and wanted to do this since I was 15. But now all I want to do is be a stay at home mom, which I never thought I would in a million years. I thought I didn’t want kids originally but I now know that was fear plus all the lies I was told. It occurred to me the other day, all the things that are core of who I am as a person scream nurturing and motherhood. My love for animals and caring for them, my drive to be a therapist and help others, all this energy I was pouring into those things. I think I was fooling myself for a long time. I’m fortunate enough to be in a situation where we can financially afford for me to stay home and as a therapist I can do private practice virtually from home. I’m so grateful things ended up in my favor to facilitate staying at home with my kids (we plan for a second very soon after the first), I’m just sorry it took me so long to figure it out! Thank you both for the work that you do, combating the lies women of my generation have been told for too long!❤
It's ok, you got there! You didn't let fear or seeking a certain financial level (what we were told to do) hold you back from what your heart, your very soul told you. I have a similar story. Proud of you!
Similar story! Somehow I knew I needed to create a career that could be flexible (entrepreneurship) and I've done that. And now, being pregnant with our first I have felt SUCH a strong pull to shut it all down and just be a stay at home mom. I could relate so much to Ellen and not wanting to walk away completely from what she has created, but knowing in her heart what was true for her. What a great conversation!
Congrats on your pregnancy! I’m also a mental health professional and I have a 9 month old son. I work part time right now, but I have recently put in my resignation notice so I can work even LESS hours at another agency. Working part time as a mom is great because you get the best of both worlds: you get to be a part time SAHM and spend lots of time with your LO, while at the same time contributing financially to your household. I wish you luck on your journey to motherhood! ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story! As a 35 year child free therapist , I love what I do and helping others. I've never gravitated towards wanting children but noticing myself feeling confused and feeling pulled towards motherhood slowly. Hopefully I can settle on a choice soon and make peace with this. Thank you for opening up this conversation 🙏
14:38 I had the same experience in my twenties. All I ever wanted was to be married and be a mom and homeschool my kids, cook & bake. I was shamed and looked down on by my entire family, the men I dated, and society in general. I got a degree because I hoped to meet a high achieving husband in college. But none of them were ready to get married. So after years of waiting for my husband by working in a six figure career, I finally met a sane man with traditional values.
@Foxie770 WE THANK GOD! YOU JUST DESCRIBE A MIRACLE! THERE ARE MANY MEN N WOMEN WHO TRULY DESIRE A FAMILY BUT CAUSE OF SOCIETY, FEAR, AND PRIDE! NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE THAT RISK !
I did, too. On top of it, both of my parents are and were psychologically and emotionally abusive and manipulative. Both were physically abusive, but that was mostly my father. My mother has such fears of abandonment, insecurity, narcissistic tendencies, etc. that she passive-aggressively sabotaged all of my education and career-building efforts. As much as I wanted to be a wife and SAH mother, my health in every sense was wrecked and I had no chance of meeting the right kind of man to build a life with. I was really, really stuck. Finally met my dream guy in 2019 while I was in trade school (which my mother was sabotaging, so I was struggling to not fail). The guy had a background in clinical psychology working with forensic mentally ill patients. He understood right away that I was capable of doing a lot with my life, but was struggling and being held back by my parents keeping me financially dependent on them. He encouraged my independence. She freaked and tried "forcing" me to break up with him. It backfired, because I chose him. They wrote me a letter of eviction and things have been getting slowly better ever since. We are engaged to be married. We live in a part of the country where they have no idea where to find me/us. Our biggest issue now is finances-getting out of debt quickly enough to marry and have children before I am too old. We already have cut lots of corners to save. If we still can't afford a house next year, we're literally planning on leaving the apartment, selling or putting in storage our stuff, and living out of our cars/camper. Apartments have gotten so insanely expensive...
Ellen, as someone who has been watching since Elvis was a baby, I promise your long-time subscribers are happy whenever you post. Don't feel pressured to post if a certain phase of your life is overwhelming with family activities. We don't want you pulling your hair out to get a podcast episode live, or an e-book, etc. Post when it makes sense for your family and your creative drive. I don't care if your content is regularly scheduled or not.💜
As a mature woman, past homeschooling mom of 3, married 37 years - you will NEVER look back when your old and regret dropping work to spend more time with your children. I promise that. If you don't change things now, you will be my age and look back with big regrets. You can do this - follow your heart!
@@suezeeque1 a woman just like you once told me this same piece of advice you shared. When I was pregnant, she looked at me and said “don’t listen to what society is screaming at you. You hear older mom all the time say they regret not spending more time with their children once they’ve grown. But you will never ever hear a good mom say she regrets spending time with her children or wishes she worked more. So do what you know is right, and stay home with your babies. Sacrifice anything you can to do that”. It changed my life, and I’m forever grateful to her for telling me that!
@@everyone2975 I am so sorry this was your experience. I do appreciate that they don’t recommend putting all your eggs into the motherhood basket in this discussion. Because you do need to be able to support yourself if crap hits the fan. And it can in so ways. Injury, death, infidelity, illness etc. It is vitally important to be able to survive if it comes down to just you or just you and the kids. I feel like there’s a sweet spot of prepared and stepping into our purpose that we need to find as women. Because the world simply isn’t the same as it once was.
@@JuniperLynn789 Not all men are horrible but it is terrible advice if a woman does not have money put away or little to no resources. The advice to rely on someone else to take care of you financially basically depends on how he feels that day next week, a year or 10 years from now. Anyone who knows anything about finances and financial planning would not recommend the original comment as good advice.
@@melissagreye8445 Funny you mention that. My husband is a successful financial planner and runs a company training other financial planners and reps, and their managing partners and directors nationwide, for various financial planning companies. And a conversation we had BEFORE we got married, was securing my access to finances in any event that would cause me to lose access to the income he brings in for our family. So we knew before getting married that if he died, or even left me, I would be financially secure on paper. A good man also shows his woman reassurances in this way. So the advice is, marry a good, God-fearing man who puts his wife and family over his own pride and gain from the beginning. So even if he slipped up in some way, his wife and kids would be ok.
As a newlywed who is 30 years old and hopes to become a mama one day, this is completely validating and affirming and I am so glad to know I am not alone in wanting to be a mama more than anything ❤
I’m 30, he’s 36 and getting married in a few months. We don’t have kids yet but both want them but want to wait a bit longer. So so good knowing others are too
I’m with you sistas! 33 here and in our first year of marriage (we dated for 8 years haha) and planning for baby #1 currently. So excited for this long awaited season. It will all unfold for you in divine timing. Sending love to all. We got this!!
A woman who chooses to stay at home has more choice than a woman who has to work. When a friend and I were 20 we thought we didn't cared about saving animals instead of people. By 25 we were both like: baby baby baby baby, LOL. Sometimes it just takes the right guy to activate it I think. My child just became an adult. And having to stand back and let my son set out to be a man and letting go is one of the most brutal things I have dealt with, and I have dealt with a lot. I wish you the best of luck on your journeys.
@@Nylon_riot Letting go never seems to come easy. Thank you for offering your perspective. It is powerful to hear from people in different seasons of life. Wishing you all the best!
Congrats! I hope you are blessed with children soon! That is the most important and fulfilling work you will ever do! And you’ll be grateful you enjoyed raising your children instead of competing like a man in the commercial workplace.
Oh my gosh, I LOOVVEE Suzanne Venker! I am so incredibly excited to listen to this. I had my first, a daughter, last December and had no clue I would want to be a stay at home so bad until she got here. Now, I can't imagine anything else. I'll be 35 this winter and I'm quickly realizing that I've had my whole life to focus on me - focusing on my daughter and giving her the best childhood I can, that's what important now. My husband and I budgeted our butts off so I could stay at home and I am thankful every day I get to do so. I love the journey that my daughter has taught me about facing my own silly narcissism that I claimed so proudly in my twenties. What a gift parenthood is!
I had the same exact realization once I became a mom. But it took me having my second daughter to make that move. I listened to her videos during the transition and it really made me feel “normal” to feel this way in a world of career women.
One reason why woman can also get triggered by the roll of stay at home mom is out of fear and not trusting the man you are with. It is sort of an unsafe roll to take on. You have to trust the man is not going to cheat or leave you. If your marriage ends, and you as the woman relied on the man for everything in the financial and physical world sense, you are left in a bad situation if your marriage ends. I think it’s beautiful to stay at home with your children but you should also, as a woman, have a plan. Education and skills that can translate to income if you need
Yes I agree with this, I wonder if from the beginning both agree on the roles moving forward, should it be some sort of prenuptial?? Not with the goal Of divorce at some point obviously, but to protect the stay at home wife. I feel it could be so helpful and give the wife some comfort that she will be protected no matter what. This out of love!❤ If the husband cheats or becomes violent, this way she does not feel Like she has no option!!
Yes, that's a very good point. Everyone who gets married thinks their marriage will turn out fine...they're in love. But men can slowly start to show their true colors. Abuse starts creeping in. And it's SO sad when a woman and her kids get stuck in a situation where she is completely dependent on him. Or a marriage where they don't believe in divorce, so they will stay and submit to a physically violent man who is abusive to the children as well. I saw it with my Christian mother. She believed God wanted her to just stick it out. We all wished they would have gotten a divorce. 😢 So I can see both sides. The very best scenario is when two people get married, and they both treat each other with respect and love. However we can only control our own selves. And we can do our very best in selecting a good man, but abusers are very charming and can fool the entire family and gain their trust before things start happening. I suppose the best thing would be to have a way to leave and provide for your family yourself if need be...but plan A is being a traditional family. Plan B sucks, but at least you can say you tried plan A.
I love this lady, she’s truly put my mind at peace when I was looking to leave my career and pull my child out of daycare to stay at home with my littles, and I’m so excited for this episode. Thank you Ellen!
Lying with my toddler as he naps and watching this. Hes never been apart from me longer than a half hour his whole life and he's the happiest, most secure little guy cause I've always been there when he needed me. There is no money that would trump this blessing.
When you ignore divine wisdom you get... well, what we have now. The madness and insanity. When you don't honor fathers and mothers, you get screwed up kids. Therefore screwed up generation.
Also have to remember that life can throw anything your way. My husband was paralyzed in a car crash and he cannot work. You have to be flexible to do what needs to be done when life has other plans. Don’t always get what you want.
Similar boat though my husband is not paralyzed. He is disabled. He is a stay-at-home dad, and I work. We realize it's a bit backwards, but we were committed to one of us being home, and that has to be hubs unfortunately. BUT FORTUNATELY, I married an AMAZING man, and he is an unbelievably great father.
While I'm sorry to hear about your husband and your unfortunate circumstances, pointing out an exception does not disprove the rule. Of course you're right, we all have to step up when life throws us a curveball. But Suzanne is discussing the GENERAL rule. Historically, physiologically, emotionally, financially, socially,... ✌️ Good luck to you and your family.
I was pursuing schools and careers in my 20s. I met my husband when I was 28, married at 31, got pregnant and gave birth at 33, and second baby at 35. I've never been happier. I love being a mom and I am thankful that my husband make more than enough to allow me to stay home.
The one caveat to this video: we need more GOOD men. Women can’t stay home if the men are lazy, addicted to their phones and p*orn, and are abusive. Women have to work because men won’t pull their own weight. Yes, I’m divorced and now I’m a single mom. My ex husband was terrible. And yes I chose wrong.
100% in agreement. No adult, except in extenuating circumstances, should be financially dependent on another adult. Not only does is make the dependant more vulnerable to abuse, but even if the man is an excellent and respectful provider, anyone's husband could get sick and become unable to work, or any woman could become a widow at any point. I find it ridiculous, and even anti-Biblical and anti-Christian (given that there were women in the Bible who worked or were more independent and are praised for it) to keep teaching 1950's family dynamics as perfect and as the true "Christian" family. This is harmful to men and women. There is absolutely no reason why men can't help more at home. My grandpa who provided for his family while my grandma stayed home (by choice) still got home and helped her with house keeping, always cleaned the dishes for her after a meal, took his kids out all the time and spent quality time with them without my grandma so that she could also relax sometimes, and he never expected her to be his personal maid and nanny of his children on the clock. He also gave her 100% of his paycheck to manage the household expenses so he never tried to control her using his financial power. I have yet to meet a modern American man who is like my grandpa (we are not Americans, but I moved here as a teen). Had my grandma chosen to work my grandpa would have supported and helped her. Most of the women in my country work and are married to true providers of love, encouragement, and respect their wives who are professionals. The point is, being a "financial provider" didn't limit him from providing in other ways. A leader in the Bible is one who serves (as Jesus exemplified by washing the apostles' feet), so a man who is a true leader and provider is not the one who brings in some paycheck and sits on the coach the rest of the evening, or gets late from work. A man who provides is the one who serves his wife and children in the way they need him the most, be it by providing a hand to help with household chores, providing encouragement, providing quality time and love, etc. Jesus provided us not with material stuff, but with love and wisdom. He was a provider in the way he served us and gave his life for us.
As someone who is not a mother, but is an entrepreneur and homesteader, this spoke to me as well! A lot of great takeaway for everyone whether single, married, mother, or not. Thanks for keeping these podcasts relatable regardless.
Haha I was actually annoyed when Ellen said that some listeners might be annoyed - but, yes, I stopped to think about WHY I was annoyed... I am brainwashed 😅😳 Very important and amazing conversation. Thank you so much for sharing - this has given me lots of food for thought... Lots of love xx
I got married when I was 23. Fast forward 6 years and we have 4 kids, going on 5. Im home full time with the kids and my husband works. Life is pretty much as good as it can get! Yes, hectic... But so fulfilling and there is honestly nothing more I could ask for at this point in time.
When I was younger I never thought I wanted to have children... Went to one of the best music universities in the world to become a performing pianist...then boom! Met my husband and got married at 23, finished my degree, had 3 kids in 4 years, and now a fourth one on the way. What works for me is that I'm still teaching and performing part time whilst the kids are at school, but when they are home, its not about the music career but raising the family. Part time, flexible work is also a good solution for those who do not wish to stay home all the time.
I am 36 years old, got married at 19 and have eight kids. I am SO glad I did NOT listen to the culture or even my feminist family about kids and marriage and career!! I have been a stay at home mom my whole marriage and I love it! Things can be hard but still be so good, which I think our culture doesn’t understand. To the culture, hard equals bad. And that is just not true! My kids and my marriage are everything to me! Could we use more money, sure, but we have enough. My husband and I have prioritized our marriage and our family over money and we do not regret anything. And relationships are so much more important than money/stuff/ material things! Hopefully more people start realizing this. We weren’t made for material things, we were made for relationship and each other!! (I will also say we own our own home and are debt free, we just live modestly)
I agree 100 with you. We’re young & don’t own a home yet, but no one understands a woman wanting to be SAHM, even ‘traditional’ people think we’re clinically insane 😂.
@KnowLoveServeHim I found your comment under my own. I'm 32 with 4. I also got married at 19!! Right now our youngest is 5months old, oldest is 12. We want more kids but now we are questioning if we should stop. Instincts say NO. We want a big family. But now logistics do come in like money,seating in the car, and honestly HEALTH-- we have healthy kids but alot can go wrong so there's just fear in the back of my mind so I'm wondering if that's something you can relate to and how to combat or deal with it if so?
@@kirstenfell3970 Hi Kirsten, I totally understand! Yes, I have definitely dealt with fear and anxiety during our decision to have this many kids(and maybe more in the future!). I myself have recently been having some hormone/joint health issues, after tests thankfully it doesn’t seem too serious but it’s still ongoing, I’ve been dealing with it for about 10 months, and for context I’m still nursing our 15 month old. Since having some of these issues (at one point we actually thought I had Rheumatoid arthritis), I have really struggled with the thought of having more kids, will I be in pain the whole time? What if it’s worse postpartum? What if it makes things harder while caring for a newborn? And just the other night I was nursing my sweet baby girl with her chunky little snuggly body pressed up to mine, and I just whispered to her, you are SO worth it. And at that moment I realized even if I have a chronic pain illness the rest of my life, my babies are worth the sacrifice. Now it looks like I may not have a chronic health issue, Thanks be to God! But even if I did, pain and difficulty are fleeting, but our children’s souls will live on forever. My oldest is 17 about to enter his senior year in highschool and applying for colleges now, and I just realize how quickly time goes, and I’m grateful I still have little ones at home and by the time I can’t have children anymore, hopefully I’ll have grandbabies! Children are just such a gift! And as far as money/ material stuff goes, we live in a small 3 bedroom ranch, (thankfully with a huge yard!) but I would love more space, a basement would be nice! But even without that extra space I just know that I would rather have all of the kids (each their own unique unrepeatable individual self!) that I have, than not have them just because I don’t have more square feet of house for them to play in. Lastly I’ll address fear itself. Fear is funny because sometimes there’s something there to fear, like lightning, or an earthquake or a fire, or a wild animal, and the list can go on! But sometimes the fear we have is just the fear of the unknown, which may happen but often times doesn’t ever happen. We could go through our lives choosing not to do things because of possible problems or go forward and live, and probably won’t ever deal with the problems we thought we would. This is why I try not to make decisions out of a place of fear, because fear can deceive us. I have dealt with anxiety a lot in my life and have tried not to make decisions based off of that fear and everything has always seemed to work out. I don’t know if you’re Christian, but I am, and I find that letting go and trusting that God will take care of me and my family has always worked. God is faithful and when I’ve let go and said yes to being open to life and living out what my husband and I feel he is calling our family to, God always supplies, even greater than I could have imagined! And I have never ever regretted having any of my kids, but I do know many people who regretted not having more. Sorry for the long post! I hope this helps you! And I hope God blesses you and your family!! ❤️ -Alexandra
@@kirstenfell3970 Hi Kristen, I typed up a response and I thought it went through but it isn’t showing up, so I’m going to try and type up my response again just in case my previous one did not go through. I totally understand where you’re coming from, and yes, I have definitely felt fear and anxiety through out the years when deciding whether or not to have more children and for different reasons. I’ll share that recently I have had some health issues (I thought I had Rheumatoid arthritis but not it’s looking like it’s something else) and I was looking at the prospect of a chronic health issue, thankfully now it seems it may not be so serious, thanks be to God. Nevertheless I was thinking about whether or not it would be wise to have more children if I was going to be in pain. Would I have issues taking care of a newborn? What if I had issues during pregnancy? And so on. I didn’t know. But the other night as I was nursing my 15 month old in the middle of the night, her sweet little chunky body pressed up against mine, you are SO worth it, I whispered to her. And I realized at that moment, that whether I’m in pain or not, my kids are so worth the sacrifice! And if I do have a chronic pain issue, I’ll be in pain whether I have kids or not, so I’d rather have them! We have had a few minor health issues with our kids but nothing too serious and we’ve only had one broken bone and one surgery! Which is very lucky considering how many kids we have! But things will happen, pain and suffering are inevitable, but God will give us the grace to get through it. And the chances of something severe happening is pretty low. Another thing, my oldest is 17 and about to enter his senior year of high school and is applying to colleges. I just realized that time goes by so quickly and they grow up so fast, I’m so grateful that I still have babies at home, and by the time I’m can’t have children anymore, hopefully I’ll have grandbabies! The other worry we have had is about space. We live in a small 3 bedroom ranch on a large lot. It’s tight in the house but I would much rather have the kids that I do, then not have them because we don’t have more square footage for them to play in! Thankfully we have a big yard, but a basement would be nice in the winter! But we’ll get there! And in the meantime I’m so glad I didn’t wait to have that basement before having those babies! Now I’ll address fear. Fear is funny because sometimes we fear real threats like lightning, earthquakes, a wild animal, and so on. But sometimes we fear things that aren’t there like the future, future illnesses, future pain and suffering, etc. and these things may never happen, but even if they do they often aren’t as bad as we thought they would be, often the anticipation of these things is worse than the thing/event itself. This is why I try not making decisions based out of fear, because fear can be deceiving and isn’t always accurate at predicting the experience we may or may not have. I don’t know if you’re Christian, but I am and I have found that when I let go and say yes to what I feel God is calling me to, it always turns out better than I had planned! God loves to surprise us! For instance, I have worried that my pregnancies would get harder as I got older, but they’ve actually been much easier! God will always give us the grace and supply for our needs. Lastly, I know that I will never regret having a single one of my unrepeatable and unique children (whose souls will live on forever!), but I have spoken to many women who say they deeply regret not having more children. Sorry for the very long post, but I wanted to give you a thoughtful response! I hope this helps you in your discernment! And I pray God continues to bless your family! ❤️
Hi Kirsten, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I have definitely struggled with fear and anxiety in discerning whether or not to have more kids. I will share that most recently I have been having some health issues, and for a while now it was looking like it may be chronic, but thankfully with more tests it looks like it won’t be chronic. Anyway, for the time that I didn’t know it was really hard when thinking about having more kids, I had so many questions like will I be in a lot of pain during pregnancy? What if I’m in a lot of pain postpartum and have difficulty caring for my newborn? But then one night I was nursing my sweet 15 month old daughter, her sweet little chunky body pressed up to mine, I whispered to her, you are SO worth it. And it dawned on me in that moment that I don’t care if I’m in pain, she is worth all the sacrifice and more! Even if I am in pain for the rest of my life, I would way rather have her around than not have her around just because I’m in pain. My oldest is 17 and currently applying to colleges as he is about to enter his senior year in high school. I realized how fast that time has gone and how quickly he grew up. And I thought how happy I am that I still have little babies at home. And by the time they’re grown up, hopefully I’ll have grandbabies! The other thing with money, big car, house, etc., God always seems to provide. We were lucky to be able to buy a 15 passenger van with some extra money that my husbands job invested for him. We bought a good house for cheap with multiple extensions on closing with the bank, which our realtor called an actual miracle because he had never seen anything like that before! I just have seen so many blessings come to us through trusting in God and his plan for our family. Now I’ll address fear. Fear is so funny because sometimes our fears are legitimate like a wild animal or lightning or some other real threat. But sometimes we fear something that isn’t actually happening, like the future, or future pain or suffering. But those things may or may not ever happen. And usually the things we fear are not even that bad even if we do go through something hard. This is why I try to not make decisions out of fear, fear can deceive us and cloud our judgement. I have definitely felt my fair share of fear and anxiety. And we have had some minor health issues with the kids, one broken bone and one surgery. All of those things were hard to go through for sure but I also grew so much and realized that I can’t prevent my kids from experiencing pain, but I can be there for them when they do, and I think that matters to them more. I also realized we are stronger than we think and hard times make us grow into better more compassionate human beings! We also have a small house, but I’m so much happier that I’ve had all my kids, than waiting to have them until I had a bigger home. I will never regret having a single one of my kids (each of them unique, individual, unrepeatable souls that will live forever!) And I can’t imagine my life without any of them! But I do know women who deeply regret not having more children. It’s hard in the moment but when you look back you’ll be so happy you made the choice to have more! A large family is so full too! So much fun and companionship for all the kids! I’m sorry for the very long post, but I hope this helps you! And I hope God continues to bless your family! ❤️ -Alexandra
My wife and I prepared for the future by saving her income and living off of mine. She was a teacher who was able to continue her career when we had two in college. She raised our three children who are college graduates and successful. While she was mothering, she did a lot of writing which she later turned into a musical production. As a teacher, she wrote songs for the children, wrote a children's workbook, and published a book of poetry from some of the writing she did as a mother. This was in the 60s, 70s, and 80s.
21 weeks pregnant and I’m so excited and thankful I’ll be able to stay home. I’ll be done with my program I’m doing online next semester & it’s something I’ll be able to do from home too. My husband knew early on that I wanted to be at home and I’m thankful he’s so supportive
Ellen I’ve been watching you sense I was 12 I’m married now and have children. Seeing you cry literally made my heart melt I’m right there with you. You’re not alone and you’re so amazing and strong to talk about it.❤
@aurograce2983 Ellen has been on instagram and youtube since like 2012, maybe earlier. I remember following her my sophomore year of high school and i’m 27 now. So that’s about 11 going on 12 years. So OP can likely be 24 👍🏽
We're out of the daycare stage, all 3 went through as we're a 2 spouse working household; I struggled through the guilt even though my children went to amazing daycares where we loved the teachers and they loved our children; we send out children to some of the best public schools in the united states; the teachers and staff are amazing, so why am I so emotional? why do I have the need to remove them from school and homeschool on the daily? why do I have this panic-stricken feeling that I am losing out on their childhood years and they are flying by at the speed of light and all I'm doing is surviving day to day; the struggle is something I feel daily, a heavy feeling in my chest, this truly hurts my heart. I haven't finished this podcast as of writing this but can't wait to hear all that is taught today.
It sounds like you are feeling convicted to homeschool. I think that you should homeschool, and be present as a mom, you won’t regret it. Even if your children are thriving at great public schools, other adults are shaping their thoughts. They are not learning the family’s values, religion, habits, schedule, ect.. The kids are being pressured to succeed and conform to the world’s standards, peer pressure. Kids going to schools are also exposed to violence, bullying, ect.. Their individuality is not valued or encouraged. Kids benefit from spending more time with their parents! Pray about it, and move forward in faith.
Thank you for this conversation, Ellen. This is speaking to me so much! I stay at home and homeschool my children and sometimes, even though I feel so fulfilled in my role as a mother, I feel like the work I do is not valid because I am not working outside of the home. It is so hard to navigate, especially when I see so many of my friends with careers and I struggle with feeling stuck in place.
I feel you mama, i have those ups and downs all the time. I find surrounding myself with other homeschooling stay at home mamas helps focus what I believe the worth of my work is. It’s easy when we step out of our homes into the world as it is to second guess ourselves or to feel like we’re doing things upside down and all wrong. Sending you peace ❤
Ellen, this is such a fantastic episode and I so appreciate you taking the time to do this. I have been following you since 2019 when I had a 1 year-old and I spent all of my time with him at home. I started feeling like I needed to do something with myself other than being a mother, even though being a wife and mom was always what I wanted to do. I had my hand in a few random jobs here and there, some freelance writing, photography, and I even started work as a birth doula. All things that I love, but I felt so stressed. I realized I was not happy and content at home with my son, which is where I knew in my heart I wanted to be, but I felt like I had to “make something more of myself”. I have two children now and we started homeschooling this year and I feel so fulfilled. I was so worried that if I stepped away from writing or birth work I would no longer have my foot in the door and I’d never have that opportunity again. My own doula told me that there would always be space for me and that people will always be having babies, and that it was okay for me to be home with my own babies and maybe pick up doula work later in life. That resonated with me so much! I just want you to know what an amazing inspiration you have been to me and that I’ll always be here to support your content. If you need to take a step back your followers will still be here ❤ Much love!
I would love to see women feel free to take either path - personally I love being an aunt, I love being an involved family member - I was not interested in being a mom - (I was a caretaker since a teen to my own mother which I dont regret for a minute and still love). I love my career and find it super fulfilling, but I value much more being with my partner - that is what makes me excited for each day. If we had met earlier in life I would definitely give him children, but it was not my personal calling. WIth that said, I DONT want women to feel shamed for not wanting what I wanted. We should have a society that encourages both paths with realy conversations about fertility and age and what works best for children.
I’m the one who made that comment on the beginning of Suzanne’s video. I couldn’t believe she actually saw it and now it’s here-how amazing! I wrote that comment crying in my cubicle of a job I fought for but no longer had the heart to keep. I have since quit working with the full support of my husband. He is our provider and he and I have never been happier or more secure. We are trying for another child and trusting God to continue to provide for us❤️
Growing up as a child who was homeschooled with a mother who was a stay at home, it was a very difficult for her to leave my abusive father. I don’t think it’s about gender roles as much as it is about women’s investment in themselves and the ability to care for themselves. If I put my wellbeing and financial freedom into the hands of another, male or female, flawed human being, then I set myself up for disempowerment. A career is not about satisfaction as much as it is about self love, sovereignty, and freedom.
Your situation is different and I would encourage you to do some internal work, on your own or with a counselor. Being married and trusting your husband to provide for you and your family because he loves you, is not containment or anything else opposite of what you said. You're confused and I'm sorry you grew up in that environment.
yes.. what I dislike about the commentary now is that there is this assumption that women are doing mundane, soulless work & choosing that over their families. In reality, many women have extremely fulfilling jobs serving their communities. I want to serve my family but I also have existential concerns. I also have a desire for meaning that goes beyond my little life. I also have a desire for self-sufficiency, autonomy, following my passions and seeing where they take me.
@@jan-beanthere are seasons for all those things. Your “little bubble” will be in the world contributing to society it all starts with “little bubbles”. You have so much to clean out from the corruption of what you have been told.
This has been something weighing on me a few months ago. I had a really hard time getting out of high school, drinking doing drugs. Then I met my fiance at 28. We both struggled with addiction and we did couples counseling to learn how to communicate better. And our therapist also said Mom being home with baby is crucial to development. My daughter was born in 2022 (praise the Lord) but looking back at my own childhood, if my mother was home with me and my three sisters I believe I wouldn't have gone down such a dark path. I had no attachment. And I have incredible parents. But being away from my mom all the time, hurt. And I had to be the strong for my younger sisters, who were also in daycare with me. So now being a mother myself. I could not imagine being away from my baby. And I'm so thankful I found a man that has the same mindset.
Inflation.. housing market etc, has made it more difficult for everyone single, married without children and families... crazy times to be alive for. Love this conversation Ellen, Suzzane talks about important topics!!!
I'm amazed at how much I relate to Ellen's experience in this video. In the last year I started a business, got pregnant (with our 4th) and handed the business over to my husband who is now running the business better than I ever would have. I help him as needed, but it really has become his, and I've been able to recommit myself to homeschooling. Since the business is at home, our whole family stays home together. This set up is totally a dream come true for me.
I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, so I chose to become an RN. I wanted the security of having an education, however, my goal was always to be a SAHM. I’m beyond grateful that I’m home with my 3 and 5 year-old now. I had the foresight to choose a career where I can step out of the field while they’re young and have flexibility as they age.
I have an interesting take. My mom convinced me to have children. She told me all about how wonderful it is to be a stay at home mother, raise your own children, and to allow your husband to lead. However, now I have four children, and she’s nowhere to be found. I have zero support since my husband has to work 60 hours a week to provide for us. My mom decided to go back to school and work, even though she married a man who is adamant that she need never work again in her life. She is chasing money and is unwilling to allow her husband to financially care for her…….. and she’s missing out on spending time with me and her grandchildren. I am left depressed, isolated, and feeling like she tricked me. Sounds harsh, but my kids deserve to have a mother with good mental health- they currently do not have that. *Moms need support from their mothers and mothers in law, too.*
Total agreement. My mom was the same. Retired to help me when babies came, then once babies were here started another business and ghosted me entirely. I have a great husband but the lack of a guiding maternal figure is sorely missed.
Thats the reality of many mothers are burned out no support, no family, isolated. This is a one way conversation, they should have added another person to this conversation to bring other perspectives that do jot agree with their way of thinking.
This conversation made me feel both clear about my priorities as a parent and Despair.... I am a single mom. There is no way I cannot work. That said, I have done EVERYTHING in my power to be there for my daughter, including moving in with, and then near, my parents. They have helped me so much, and I wouldn't have been able to be home more if it wasn't for them. I have also made the decision to live on less and work part-time instead of full-time. Money is tight sometimes, but I have seen how me working with/around my priority to be a parent has made me life (and my daughter's) slightly easier. However, I have felt cheated of my time with her, especially when she was very little, and I wasn't near family, and I literally was so exhausted from trying to do everything, that I had nothing left to give her. I've seen how just those first two years of strain (me being temperamental, not present, and not taking care of myself) made even more problems that I had to address later. I want to blame someone - society or men or myself - but I also know we can't always have everything we want in this life... Sending out encouragement to all the moms out there! You are an amazing mom, in whatever capacity you decide to live your life!
Don’t feel guilty at all. You’re doing everything in your power to spend more time with your child. Everyone’s life path is different just try to be content with where you are. I wish the best for you.
Thank you for being so honest in this conversation Ellen….I have tried for years to get my social media running bc I see how women in this space can have “SO much” and be home but have failed over and over bc it just doesn’t feel natural for me. My babies need me and I need this time with them. Love your heart 💕 this podcasts have really changed the game
That’s not true. Starting a career in later stage of life is often not possible. You are competing with young people with little to no obligations. Honestly I feel that with advancement of medical care (in vitro, egg freezing, surrogacy) it is easier to start family later in life then to start a career.
Most people do not have a minimum amount for 20k to freeze eggs. That’s not logical at all. The older you get (especially with all the toxins in our world) you are almost always gonna have fertility issues. You can always go to school. 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy.
@@dzudiy8806It is harder to start a family later in life. In vitro is difficult and expensive. Being a “geriatric “ pregnancy is difficult not easy. I know this. There are plenty of people who change careers later in life and do well for themselves. You seem to be indoctrinated into the culture with all the lies about delaying motherhood. There’s always a few people like you who go on this zealous mission to try to convince people to go against what God had designed for men and women. That’s the devil at work.
I just saw a news story of a 100 yo woman graduating with another degree. This is what I'm talking about. But when was the last time you saw a 100 yo lady give birth?
I also didn’t realize that I would be so fulfilled with staying home and taking care of my family. I was a straight A student, got a masters degree, accepted into a competitive internship. But my best success has been making a safe, happy home for my family and friends.
I am a female entrepreneur and literally am in the exact same place as you Ellen. I cried with you. I felt like you were both talking to me - thank you SO much for sharing your story ❤
Thank you for sharing this Ellen. Ive been feeling the need to simplify lately as well - I have found two choices of route - 1. Overthink it and drive myself crazy. 2. Let go. Clear the mind ( ocean swims work wonders ) and allow that which is next to come through to come in; no thought involved. Letting go of the thinking mind and letting your heart lead the way. Letting go of fear. Its that softening and allowing space. Whatever is meant to be will be perfect. It will be effortless nearly. Just soften, relax, and allow. This is what Im finding at the moment as a women in my early 30s. ❤
I've been listening to Suzanne for over a year, my husband and I are 28, just welcomed our second baby home a month ago, and we are now living our dream of me being a stay at home mom. My husband explained to our 2 year old "Mommy won't be going to work anymore, mom's job is to play with you and brother all day and have fun" Suzanne pointed me toward this outcome as the highest calling I could ever have and she was totally correct.
This episode desperately needs an opposing side who would explain those two ladies why their perspective is completely one-sided and ignores the reality of MOST women. The real problem is not women being brainwashed (maybe for a small minority it is, but definitely not for the majority of women), but the expensive school/health system and job market, which is treating people like robots. Not to mention the crazy housing market where you can hardly afford a normal home even if both parents are working. Also, our society is becoming more and more individualistic, there's often very little support for women with children who don't get help from their primary family (it takes a village to raise a child, right?). It's completely understandable that women wait to have children if they are financially stressed and have a low income. I was raised by parents who had many financial issues and I can tell you, it is not good for a child's wellbeing even if you have loving parents. Most people will NEVER (not even when they are older) be able to afford only one parent working and that can't be changed just like that. You would have to change the whole system for that to work. One example: people have different career goals and want different education, resulting in different salary perspectives. If a woman is a kindergarten teacher, likes her job, both she and her partner have a low salary and can hardly make ends meet (also, getting no support from a primary family) and at the same time want to become parents - what would those two ladies say to her? Quit your job and become an influencer/a blogger and wait for your channel to blow up? Or find another husband who can better provide for you? Most women my age in my circles want to have children and work less or even be a SAHM, but are postponing motherhood not because of feminism/being brainwashed, but because they don't have financial means to support a child even with good education and hard work. If they really want to give advice to women, they should start with providing solutions for women who want to have children, but have no option to get a decently paid (part time) job and also don't have a partner who is able to provide for the whole family - because that is the reality for the majority. I can't imagine how hurtful it must be for women to hear "you're brainwashed", if they are struggling financially and are basically forced to work at least 40 hours per week to bring food to the table. Also, why are they bringing in nature only when it serves their argument? E.g., they are saying that women can't have sex without getting attached and men can-men can because it is in their nature to spread their genes by impregnating as many women as possible, right? (At least that's how the theory goes.). Well, if that were the case, the biblical way of marriage would make no sense, because according to the human nature, men are not made to be monogamous (even if they are providers). Also, I know so many women who can have casual hookups with males they find attractive in every aspect without getting attached to (attachment patterns can definitely evolve and change, it's not just about nature).
Thank you so much for this comment! I wanted to go there in my own comment about bringing up human nature only when it strengthens their argument and you put it really well. I'm so tired of Christian women trying to say that monogamy is in our brains and not there's, because first of all the science does not support that at all, and second of all, their opinions as members of a religion that basically tell women their not horny and that's just a men thing should really make everyone's ears turn off when they start talking about it, because they are not qualified to speak about female sexuality while operating from a world view that essentially says it doesn't exist. The rest of us women know it does exist and we can tell the difference between finding a partner and just hooking up with someone!
@@KatMoore-ih6mw A similar old bad story is what we've been told about female orgasm - that women have hard achieving it when, in reality, clitoral orgasm is much easier to achieve than male orgasm because clitoris has so many nerves (way more than a penis) and even extends into vagina. I'm sick of women themselves spreading nonsense about our sexuality.
All of your points are so valid! That said, This episode is very specific to women who have the option to SAH but are choosing to work due to a belief system that goes against their true desires. There is a lot to negativity in The liberal community in regards to motherhood in general. I think that’s what they are speaking out against, motherhood is the most natural and beautiful thing, it should not be seen as shameful or inferior to getting a paying job
The whole point of this message is that ALL OF MODERN SOCIETY has been conditioned to accept the career path as the normal path for everyone, both men and women, and the family path has been marginalized. So that’s it, the message is there is only one acceptable path. But that path ignores the choice that MOST (not all) women find most fulfilling, which is family. Your main objection to this video’s message is that many women do realize they want a family, but the economy makes that practically impossible. The problem with your argument is that these women started down the career path, hoping to do both. But doing both is exponentially harder than just doing one and most women will end up choosing to focus on one and if they have already put in so much time and energy on the career, that becomes the easiest choice. They wait until they feel like there are better financial conditions. But time is not on a woman’s side, she only has a certain window of fertility. The better choice is taking the family path from the beginning. Forget taking 4-6+ years chasing higher education, usually saddling yourself with debt, just to pursue a career that (for most women) is going to be far less fulfilling, all while wasting your most fertile years. Instead, a young woman should date with the intention to get married and specifically seek out a good man that already is in a position to provide for her and a family. The good men who have a desire to start a family and with the means to provide typically seek out young family-minded women. They do this specifically because these women have their entire fertility window open and because they don’t have college debt or a career interfering with family planning. Not to mention the sordid history of partying and hookups that tend to go along with the college experience. Young women never hear this message or have this option presented to them by mainstream society. Being a wife and SAHM is marginalized and looked down upon. But I get that you’re wondering what is to be done when a woman has already gone down the career path. What can she do to extricate herself and get started on the family path. It seems like that’s the message you wish to hear, yes?
I seriously love Suzanne Venker! She gave voice to all my feelings and thoughts. Growing up both my parents and culture pushed me towards being very career centered. I also have a passion for travel so I decided to be a pilot. After long years of training I am finally an airline pilot and also am a mom of a two year old. I truly wished I had a Suzanne in my life then to be a voice of reason in planning out my life. I am still so grateful for the career that I have but she has helped empower me to see it’s okay to step back if I need to because the young years are so short and my job and role as a mother is more important. Thanks for this great video!
Sometimes the best stay at home parent is the Dad, as in my case. My husband was the stay at home parent for the formative years and says it’s the best experience in his life. He reentered the workforce when they were older and my career soared. I was envious of him but the priority was what was best for our children. In todays economy, single parents and lower income does not enable this choice.
When my kids were very little I started a side hustle cleaning houses. After about eight years I am so burned out. I recently put in my notice to my clients. I am done. My husband fully supports my decision. I am so happy. I am also regretful for ever choosing to work when my kids were little. My husband never asked me to. I was brainwashed to believe I needed to make money and do my own thing. It was not true. I have been miserable. Now that I’m going to stay at home full time I am so happy. We also homeschool and do so with much joy and gratitude. I feel so much better being able to just focus on the kids and the home and my husband. It feels so natural. I have so much more energy.
I don’t think all moms want to be home 24/7 until their kids are in school! I LIKE having a part time job where I get to be with adults and get out of the house and a break from my little one. I find I’m a much better mom when I do get breaks. I’m more patient and energetic when I get breaks.
You as an adult may benefit. But a child does not become !ore patient and energetic. They become fearful, anxiety ridden, and begin lifelong feelings of abandonment when separated from their mothers no matter the environment she leaves them in. When you stop performing and start presenting day to day management of emotions becomes habitual. Mothers need to be encouraged to lean in to the different levels of difficulty with this instead of taking work as a form of absense. When fathers work they do so that mothers can be present for the child. Paid labor for mothers means leaving the child vulnerable emotionally. It is not the same and should not be encouraged. Few mothers actually have true needs and claims that justify cleaving from young milk fed infants and even growing toddlers for paid labor. I believe they should be banned from working until the child is 7 at least.
Finally a comment on here I can relate to!! I’ve always wanted to be a mom.. went through miscarriages and all to have my kids and they’re both still young but I’m already exhausted of this being the only thing I do. I want to pursue my passions that I didn’t even realize I had because I had kids so young. I don’t want to be home all day like I thought I would. I’m a mean mommy when I’m overwhelmed watching them every second of my life with no breaks or time to pursue passions outside of motherhood :(
@@louis-vd3urI disagree with you. I think a part time job is a perfect solution. Perhaps dad s with the children while mom is working. This can be a great way for dad to bond with his kids when he has to be with them on his own. In addition, there may be an excellent grandmother or grandfather who can be bonding with the kids.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. This is just such a representation of what me and my family are also going through at the moment. I am only working about 10 hours of week with TWO kids and am feeling the burn out. Ellen, you are such an inspiration. Thank you for posting this interview.
I’m just mid way through the interview and oh Ellen my heart goes out to you when you got emotional, my soul felt your conundrum. I so understand this. The will to stay at home with our children but also to not struggle financially in doing so, and so we take on more than we set ourselves to do initially. This is definitely making me realize a lot about the cost of being a stay at home mom who’s also an entrepreneur.
Ελεν να κανεις αυτο που νοιωθεις. Να ακους την καρδια σου. Εκλαιγα και γω οταν πηγαινα νυκτερι και αφηνα το πρωτο μου μωρο με το συζυγο,ειμαστε νοσηλεθτες. Φυσικα επαθα burnout ειμαι 50 ετων τωρα και ειναι πολυ δυσκολο με την κλιμακτηριο. Δε θελω να εργαζομαι αλλο. Σε 6 χρονια δικαιουμαι να φυγω με μειωμενη συνταξη. Δε ξερω αν θαντεξω,πραγματικα οχι μονο ψυχικα αλλα και σωματικα πια γιατι η γυναικα αλλαζει. Τα εκανα ολα,κανεις δεν με προειδοποιησε για το οτι στα 50 θα νοιωθω 90,πραγματικα δεν υπερβαλλω. Ήμουν αντρακι τωρα γκρινιαζω σαν γρια. Πονω και θελω χρονο. Ποτε δεν με αρκουσε ο χρονος. Μεινε με τα παιδια σου καλη μου. Παντα ζηλευα τις πολυτεκνες. Μυριζουν πιο πολυ γυναικες για μενα. Σε ζηλευω με την καλη εννοια. Ευχαριστω! Με πολλη πολλη αγαπη απο Ελλάδα❤❤❤❤
We’re currently expecting, and I was adamant from the beginning that I will stay home. Thanks to Suzanne, I had these conversations in the dating phase so that I knew we were on the same page. I’m so grateful to have a supportive husband. BUT in the current economy and with societal pressures, I still grapple with worry about going down to one income. The pressures from family have already been overwhelming, and it breaks my heart for women who feel that tug and are told to ignore it. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a SEASON. Work will always be there, but the first years with our babies will be fleeting. At the end of my life, I can’t imagine saying I wish I spent more time at the office.
I always feel so looked down on for my choice to have my three kids between 22-26. I am not working until they are all in kindergarten and I’ll be part time until they are adults. Thank you so much for making me feel validated ❤ I always find it so weird that people act like a made some crazy uncouth choice because I prioritize being a mom
I am 33 now. No husband or kids. No one in my life told me that it was an option to have kids and build a career later. It was always sold to me if I didn’t have my career established by 24 my life was over.
I'm going through the opposite right now. My kids are 8 and 10, been home exclusively for 10 years (no side hustle) and definitely craving extra money and a change of scenery. I thrived when my kids were younger, but being home with older kids is just vastly different.
For sure. It's just difficult to find something truly part-time, flexible around school schedule and find an employer who will not discriminate against your unemployment gap.
@@Haley_Wozniaklie! That's what everyone does. Make some fake jobs up and know your own strengths and you'll find something! Part time work for customer service is always popular around the holidays and then they'll hire you in the off season.
I’ve been making about 200k-300k a year selling vintage clothes on Poshmark since my first son was born. It’s different and definitely a unique situation but it helped when my husband started his business…and didn’t make a single penny for 2 years!!! Yes I definitely have an eye for it and I studied a lot of vintage fashion and I was always obsessed with it…idk. It worked out. Definitely was exhausting for some time but I did it while kids slept!! When my three kids got older I did that very much on the back burner and started writing books (what I went to school for). It fucked with my head to put my writing career on the back burner for almost a decade…but boy was it worth it! And now that the kids are older I’m in the same boat as you, so I’m glad I have writing while they’re in their “homeschool” alternative school
Thank you for having this conversation! I had a completely different mindset in my 20s. It wasn't till I was older that I realized that men and women not equal but equally valuable in their own beautiful ways. I try and spread this message to younger women as much as I can. I needs to be discussed! As Ellen mentioned, I don't think any career will be as fulfilling as raising children.
Thank you, Ellen! This is the best, most important conversation! I am a stay at home mom, 30 years old and so glad, for your content. I would 100% support you stepping back. I have been there from video one and would always come back. Much love
I disagree about not pursuing a man. I know so many women who met great husbands who were shy. I asked my husband out because I knew he was too shy to ask me out. We are happily together for 32 years and married 28 years. So many great men are introverts. Now I’m not suggesting continuing to pursue a man when he is not reciprocating your interest. Being direct and approaching a shy man and telling him you like him is likely to be a relief if you are also getting signals that he’s interested.
Omg getting fired up and we're only in the INTRO!!! THIS IS WHY WE LEFT CANADA...and are searching for home... in South East Asia... so hubby can be home... find purpose in providing rather than paying the bills so we survive...and for me (mama) to be able to continue to inspire and educate the next generation... while feeling apart of who I am and created to be... thanks for sharing... feel like I'll take a long time to finish this episode
This is my first time coming across your podcast! I loved this discussion. I am a medical physicist (physician scientist basically) and I have plans to retire super early and be a married mama🫶🏽 i absolutely love my career. I think it’s the best in the medical field but I also want to be a mom! Now that I’ve accomplished this goal, I want to move on to others. I’ll live off of passive income brought in by my husband. This is why it’s so important for me to marry a man who desires to set his wife and family up for life.
You want a man who is both able and willing to support a whole family well-by bringing in passive income? Good luck finding one of those unicorns! Most men aren’t that guy, don’t want to be that guy, and (fairly or not) resent women who are looking for that guy and call them “gold diggers”. I hope if you don’t find exactly who you want after a few years of trying, you’ll be open to adjusting your expectations a little-and preparing to bring in part of the household income! Otherwise you’ll be one of those women the manosphere podcasts make fun of-“she held out for a top 10% man or nothing, and now she’s still alone at 40”.
The traditional roles system of a family isn’t 50’s America, sorry to break it to you. The traditional family system is the so called clan, where everyone (including the men), work for the family, within the home, and several generations live together, helping raising the small children. The family itself and the home/homestead is treated like a “company”. The man doesn’t go off slaving away for others, being exposed to temptations in the process, thus endangering the safety of the family. The alienating system, where the woman is completely on her own all day, her kids her only company, is terrible for most women and one of the reasons many choose to work as well. Acknowledging women need time for themselves and even space for creativity and personal pursuits isn’t feminism, but pure kindness. This is coming from a stahm, with a husband who works from home and is an active part of my children’s life and upbringing. I have time for hobbies and art and I wouldn’t be a functioning mother had that missed and my life consisted solely on serving others. It’s wonderful if you can be pleased only with that, but keep in mind that if you’re not, there’s nothing wrong with you. The discussion about finding a man who you can trust with your wellbeing and that of your children is a whole other thing that needs to be touched on as well.
I'm 38 and just don't want kids. I just thought a lot of people were the same as me. When this convo started happening a few years ago I really searched myself because I really wanted to be sure, and lo, I just don't want kids. (I DO want to be in a stable monogamous relationship, and I am.) I'm distressed to know so many people were misled away from what their hearts really wanted.
Hey! That’s absolutely fine. There are always many exceptions and If this is what you want, then you’ve made the right decision. Not every woman wants to be a mother
Really interesting! I agree with her with a caveat. I am married with kids…..and a career. I took much time off and then very part time, now my kids are school age. I found not working actually depressing. Part time was the best balance for me. I do not like not working, I like it best when everything is balanced.
Same here, I feel like these conversations always go to the extreme. Not all of us want to stay home or work full time, and working part time is a good balance for my family personally.
@annie_sherbet91 I think flexibility is key. I love that I work 2 12s a week and my husband watches our son the days that I work, and they have a great bond too. I could always work more if I want, and occasionally I do for extra money. I'm also the benefits provider for us 3 and I can't imagine putting the entire burden of finances on my husband.
@ No. I just don’t like to stay home. Even when I’m at home I’m always trying to go out. It’s really that simple. People are allowed to have different personalities you know. The same thing doesn’t interest us all, even if we are all women. Your value comes from your identity in Christ, it’s irrelevant whether you stay home or not in that respect.
Ellen - thank you for your vulnerability here, and thank you for bringing such an important subject to light. As someone who has been watching you videos since Elvis was little I just want to reassure you that however big of a step you decide to take back from your online work, you will still be so supported. We'll be here when/if you decide to come back. Like you said, you'll never get these years back, and your calling as a mother is literally God given, so prioritising it makes sense. Praying for wisdom and clarity as you make this decision.
Loved this conversation! I have been listening to Suzanne Venker's podcast the last several months and I am in a very similar boat as you Ellen. I have worked for the last 10 years in mobile prosthetics, a very rewarding and fulfilling career, but also a taxing and stressful one at times. We also just started our homeschool journey with our 3 kids (6, 4, and 2 yrs old). Right now I am on the road 3 times a week. For those days they are with my husband, their dad, and he takes care of house stuff and homeschooling stuff on those days. It's a great situation, but I still feel that struggle and the tug-pull you were talking about. I recently made the decision to work the rest of the year and then transition to being home full time with the kids. It has been a difficult decision and enjoyed listening to this conversation.
I love your perspective. Lots of women in the comments don’t realize that some women do have similar circumstances and want to hear the other options. This doesn’t have to relate to everyone. I like it and it relates me. Thank you.
Absolutely loved this discussion. I love how neither of you offered any judgement, just simply talked about the alternates to what is considered the "norm".
This conversation resonated with me so much! Im a mom and wife with a 3 year old and 11 month old and I just was able to drop from working full time to part time. I’ve been drowning in guilt from not being there for my kids, being too tired to give my husband any attention, and then being so stressed out that I’m not doing a good job at work. Spread too thin is so accurate.
I just wanted to say that this conversation completely spoke to me and is my current struggle. Only have one baby and am working from home whilst my man works fulltime but it’s still hard and the guilt kicks in allll the time. But I am grateful that I live this life instead of this single life full of partying and empty things
59:00 Convincing families to send their children to a facility to be taken care of by (mostly) other women who are also likely sending their own children to a facility to do the same thing, all while hardly affording the 'care' they're paying for and giving at the same time. Then they feel this emptiness. People are raising each others babies. A truly messed up cycle that I realized while working in daycare.
I think Ellen’s experience is so unique. To be in the era of TH-cam exploding in popularity must have been a hard thing to handle. But she made the income for her family to have an amazing life and priorities her family now. What a great mama.
I’ve felt this so much over the last few years. My kids are 13, 11.5, 8 and 1.5. I homeschool them and was working as a hairstylist for 16+ years. I worked full time and gradually cut hours back as I was having kids to finally only working about 9-10 hours per week, after my husband was home. Everyone said it’s the best of both worlds, and I tried to believe that too, but I started crying the last year or so, knowing my heart needed to be home fulltime. I brought in our grocery money for the month basically but we have made adjustments and I am still open to doing haircuts on the side, but when I’m available. I’m not cooking meals at 3:30pm and rushing off to work, missing family dinners each night. Everything just feels right. ❤❤ and no, it’s not for everyone, but it was 100% for us 😊
Yes!!!! My 6th child is due in 5 weeks and I believe that actually being there to raise your children, helping them deal with their days to day problems, helping them learning, nurturing them etc. is a rites of passage….humility, patience, slowing down….all of this came about for me, through motherhood/staying at home with my children….and I’ve never felt more grounded and purposeful….not only as a mom but as a woman in general.
I had my baby in 2020, so peak covid gave me the perfect time to switch up my career and figure out a part time job to do from home, which was NOT going to be possible with the way i had my life set up before. I wish we were all told it’s okay to pick a job that’s flexible for those of us wanting to be very present mamas. Loveeee this!
I love this conversation! Thank you for encouraging moms to value their families! I’ve been home and homeschooling most of my 24 year marriage and cherish all those years with my kids! Two more years and our last will graduate. My husband loves having me home and we have great relationships with our kids.
I love this. I kind of bought this lie and did a ton of adventuring before getting married and having kids. Because of that I didn’t get married until 30 and now have two kids at 33. I wish I had started on family life sooner because it is so much better than all the travel and adventure I did.
Yes! People make you fear it to the point that you’re terrified of ‘losing’ all of this life. But it’s when real life actually begins, and you stop running ❤🎉
My goodness, this spoke to me on so many levels. Thank you both for your valuable words! Currently at home with my two babies and on the fence about so many things you guys discussed but feeling that bodily reaction of a strong gut feeling!! This has been a big encouragement for me.
My only problem is pushing this rhetoric on ALL women. Sorry, but there always have been and always will be women whose hearts are set on goals outside of family. The reason Marie Curie and Margaret Thatcher were able to have families and successful high-powered careers was because they found compatible husbands. I think the idea that women must lay down their lives to have a family must end, first and foremost. I know women personally who quit their jobs to raise kids and regretted it after 10-20 years or even sooner, with or without getting divorced. Women should be allowed to live full lives and not be told to sacrifice family for their dreams or their dreams for their family. Either one of these leads to a miserable existence for all but a handful of women who are happy with one or the other.
Listen to Erica Komisar. She discusses this also except she states not working/part time work during the first 3 years of your child's life is ideal. I agree not all women can stay home.
For me, I can honestly tell you that I wanted a stable career and to be financially set because of my childhood. I worked so much to a point that I didn’t even realize that the reason that I didn’t want kids is because I was scared to repeat my childhood. Now that I have healed and from time to time, I’ll take breaks from social media to make sure I am forming my own thoughts, and of course listening to wise counsel from other people that think different from me I realize that I actually do want to have children. I actually do want to settle down to be married. I actually do want to be at a point to where I can take my time and be more present With doing more soft nurturing things and I was quite shocked that I naturally wanted to do these things. My mom is even shocked now that I talk about kids and I don’t think she believes that I can be a mom but it’s not what she believes. It’s what I know I had to help. Praise my sister at a young age and that was really traumatic for me because I didn’t really get to have a childhood because I had so much responsibility But nonetheless everything happens for a reason and I look at the positive and I learned how to be very responsible and I never forgot those things and they have helped me in my later years. So even though it’s scary right now once I’m over the fear, I look forward to getting married and having children and possibly staying at home and cooking for my family. I know this was long. I’m using the voice text but yeah.
People need to understand, being a mom won’t be fulfilling for every woman. Some will be fulfilled with kids only , others kids & work , others work only. In all cases , these set of women can all have kids but will require a specific type of partner & the structure of their home will each be different
You can set yourself up for a full filling life by dating and marrying right. And being a mother doesn't mean doing nothing for yourself. It is absolutely possible to work while being a stay at home mom although not always most conducive for being a relaxed mom but definitely have done the whole working from home around my kids work schedules. You can have hobbies and/or your own business. But most women, with support and understanding the value of being home with her kids, will feel fulfilled. I think the main reason women don't feel fullfilled as a SAHM is due to society constantly telling women that they need to do more to be enough, that they SHOULD want to do more. That JUST watching kids isn't enough... When it absolutely is enough.
You're right. But, 90% of women regret not having kids. Nowadays we are creating a society where we are forcing women to find meaning in a work-focused life first, and try to have a baby later, when they are less fertile.
My kids are in school now, and I'm still at home- taking care of our home, managing our family's schedules, and working on writing a book. I love being at home because it's helped me prioritize what's most important to me and our family! Being at home has given me so much freedom! But yes, we live on a small income, and live in a small home, but we have a great backyard for the kids to play in!
Women should always maintain an independent source of income. If divorce ever happens, the person in the relationship with the most money will “win.” I would never fully stay home and not make my own money.
If we are going to talk about nature, as much as women have the biological drive to nest, men have the biological drive to have to want to sleep with young hot women. These two realities co-exist. Infidelity is the one of leading causes of divorce. Women need be realistic and have a source of income.
Luckily my husband as the oldest, had a working mom until he was in high school. He saw the difference in his mom when she stayed home and also how his brothers benefited from her being home. He’s always been very focused and solid on me staying home with our sons
I teared up so many times on this episode. Glad I came up on this.. excellent points and amazing guest ❤ thank you for this!!!! Totally subbed and looking forward to more episodes :)
I'm a woman in my 30s with 2 kids, I always thought I'd like to be a stay at home mum but surprised to find its not for me. I love my kids, but without a village, I have to care for them 24/7, I am drained and can never my best self with them. I am however lucky to be in a country with 6 months paid parental leave, and many amazing daycares. My work gives me enough time away to refresh and get enough adult interaction to feel human enough to want to be with them. Both my kids love going to daycare and have an amazing time. Some of the teachers who tended my eldest are now tending to my youngest. I'm all for mums having the choice to stay home. But it's not one size fits all.
I was out to dinner with a friend of mine and her friend, who was 30 weeks pregnant with her first. The three of us talked about jobs, hobbies, relationships - all the things. Of course, at some point, I asked her what she planned to do after baby was born. She runs a music studio and loves her job. She told me she would just wait a couple months and then go back to work full time and put the baby in daycare, or get a nanny. I said, "I dunno; I have a feeling you'll probably want to stay home with your baby much, much longer than that. Maybe consider cutting back to part time for at least the first year?" Both she and my friend (who has no children) looked at me like I was crazy. The brainwashing is real, sadly.
Good job for you !! shows how clueless they are lol maybe find new friends lol 😂 who share your same value cause when your a mom you’re really going to need it.
Absolutely heartbreaking when they choose work/money over close contact with their own babies. No wonder when her kids put the elderly in care homes and never visit them
Aw this makes me so sad. There’s such little understand about it how a women’s natural instinct kicks in once you have a baby. We watch the cutsie videos of the mama bears and dogs protecting their babies…we’re no different!
A la que le lavaron el cerebro es a usted 🤦🏻♀️ no todas las mujeres son iguales!!! MADURE y entienda que porque una quiera quedarse con los hijos en la casa no quiere decir que todas deban quererlo!!
So you believe that because someone disagrees with you, they are brainwashed? I think everyone feels and thinks different. I completely respect your friends opinion and yours as well. I would never say either of you is brainwashed because I think you should feel differently.
Ellen, what an amazing episode! Thank you so much for inviting Suzanne. This episode confirmed everything I knew deep down in my heart. I have been keeping my little ones at home, I do not have relatives around so I mostly do everything by myself and my husband helps when he is back from a long day of work. It is very challenging and not the easy way out (but is there really an easy way out? Daycare is NOT an easy way out!) but I KNOW this is the RIGHT choice. Mothers were made for this! Also Ellen, you are a fabulous mother, a strong woman and I think the best think you can do in this season of your life is just be fully involved in your role as a mother. You have built a significant audience over the years and it won't fade away. Sure, maybe some will leave because they are addicted to new new new content all the time, but whatever! You do have true fans and people will stick around no matter what. We appreciate YOU! Not the numbers of new uploads. At the end of the day, all that matters is your precious family. God gave you these precious children and you need to take care of them. They will become wonderful adults I believe. They are so blessed to have you as a mom. Thank you for being such a great inspiration and role model! God bless you and your family 🙏🏼
I was looking for a comment that called some of this out but I couldn't find one so I guess this will be that comment. I want to say that using the words "brainwashed", "propaganda" and "lies" is not a productive way to talk about themes of motherhood or womanhood. These are conservative dog whistles that discourage discussion. Ellen and Suzanne both acknowledge themselves that there is nuance and the pendulum shouldn't swing so strongly but these terms imply there is a right and wrong mindset. What they mean is "conditioned" and "messaging" and you can be conditioned and receive messaging from both right and left ideologies depending on your upbringing- or TH-cam algorithm. I was in general agreement with a fair amount of what Ellen and Suzanne discussed but it was a red flag when they said it was “the feminists" who stopped research about daycare being published. Feminists are not benefiting from poor quality childcare, capitalists are, and it's capitalism that has resulted in a system where most families need dual income to survive. The reason that working outside of the home appears superior to childrearing is that it is paid. It is that simple. Whilst it's fine to say "live off less" the reality is that you cannot live off nothing. Yes there is something to be said about a culture of always wanting more, but there's also something to be said of a society where almost a whole of one persons salary goes on their rent. The message they are provoking would be powerful if its call to action would be to call out these oppressing systems that force new mothers to return to work before they have healed, that force men to work for 60 hours to support one wife and child, that deny parents family friendly provisions or that normalise 38 hour weeks and 20 days holiday when children are only educated for 30 hours a week and are off school for 3 months. Putting the focus on the woman- “why does it make you uncomfortable if I say there's gender roles?"- rather than asking "why are you chill with the fact you have to pay for health care?" perpetrates the idea that it's our attitudes that need to change rather than the structures that uphold systemic inequalities. If you believe it is best for you as a mother to stay home and care for your children and have your labour appreciated and acknowledged, then you better believe it for all mothers- otherwise the role of mothering is not truly valued. In the same way that intersectional feminism recognises that women cannot be free until they are all free- motherhood cannot be truly valued and upheld until all motherhood is valued and upheld- not just white middle class motherhood. If an entrepreneur should be able to work around her children, so should a lawyer, or a cleaner. You should not have to accept that there are jobs that discourage parenting and therefore avoid those jobs- because shockingly it is those jobs that hold the most power, such as a lawyer. The catch 22 is that you will not help reproductive labour be attributed greater value in society by individually retreating into the home. Both Ellen and Suzanne are attempting to platform this discussion by working, which they themselves openly admit. It’s also important to be aware of the ideological pipelines these discussions can take us down when they are only lead by different sides of the same coin (white middle class christian women). You may agree that it is a struggle to work and care for children, you may agree that you want to stay at home more, this can lead to consuming more material by women who “critique” modern womanhood, which might lead to believing that truly being a mother is the most important role you can have, and to believing it is in fact the most important role any women should have. You might hear about more women who want to stay at home and begin thinking that all women probably want to stay at home, this might result in you believing some rights are hindering rather than helping women reach their full potential, and you might begin thinking that your personal ideology of having children and staying at home should be applied to or enforced, on every woman. Suzanne’s aunt, who she co-authored a book with, was Phyllis Schlafly- a well known conservative activist who opposed feminism, gay rights and abortion, and campaigned against the ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment to the constitution. This is not to paint Suzanne with the same brush but it is to be aware of where your messaging is coming from. Any discourse around reproductive labour, outside of academia, is almost always lead by white evangelical woman. This stagnates how we discuss this topic because it often comes down to these individuals views on faith and the “Gods” ideal family. This is detrimental because reproductive labour is not just about the white women who stay at home to raise free range children in linen. Reproductive labour is the only type of labour that is absolutely essential for survival. If all other systems failed tomorrow- industry, agricultural, communications- the only thing that would keep the human race alive would be the act of care. Capitalism attempts to erode the act of care by turning it into a service- which is why it has become the norm to pay someone to look after your child rather than do it yourself, and it should be challenged, however when the narratives all hold religious undertones, it is hard for others who are not religious to get behind. One of the main ways to show people that child rearing is valued beyond all the empty words, is by using public money to value it. Paid parental leave, subsidised good quality childcare for those who need it, free health care and reproductive rights protection. All of these increase the value attributed to majority female activities (making, birthing and raising a child). It makes you feel more valued and respected and sends a message that having and caring for children is a notable and worthwhile route in life that is supported by the state. The podcast discussion is obviously America centred but it's crucial to understand that other ways of living exist. In Scandinavia you receive full to 80% pay whilst on parental leave- which lasts 15 months. Childcare is subsidised and an incredibly high standard with usually 1 teacher to 3 children, small class sizes and regular access to nature. Parents are entitled to work only 80% until their child turns 8. This isn't a utopian, it is an actual reality (the result of feminism ideology which saw the value of childrearing) and it is actually possible. It shouldn't be dismissed as "lucky them", it should be an active striving for for societies that do not have this infrastructure yet.
Well said. The fact that our societal structure doesn't support families seems to be invisible to Suzanne. She blames the person instead of the system. Conservatives almost never want to vote for programs that help families in spite of them working in Scandinavian countries.
I love Suzanne! I’m a SAHM to a 2.5yr old and another on the way ❤ My husband works long hours but he’s so supportive. We were high school sweethearts so its not like we had these in conversations when we were dating lol. As our son was born I just communicated with him what I wanted and our son was a Velcro baby so he understood and he felt the same as well that he didn’t want to put our baby in daycare. He’s one of those rare men whose not brainwashed. He knows how hard I work at home and tells me often how much he appreciates everything I do. I think that’s the biggest obstacle for women who want to stay home - because eventually like Suzanne said, once you accept what you want to do you can find a new door for plan B, whether that’s cutting back at work or whatever the solution is....but if your husband doesn’t understand the contribution at home or is unsupportive - then that’s a hard hill to claim for sure.
I see the truth in this conversation regarding the nature of women, yet I think that it's a bit privileged and utupian in terms of how the reality of the world is. Not eveyrone is guaranteed to meet a good man to marry, has the economical means to stay at home or work part-time, and life in general is quite unpredictable. We can't control much- though I agree about the indoctrination part of motherhood being inferior to one's career.
Her point about a husband’s “providing gene” kicking in once his wife starts staying home is absolutely accurate.
I started staying home when my first child was born in 2014. My husband was only making $35,000 per year at the time and we lived in very expensive South Florida. We cut a LOT of unnecessary things out to make it work. I became extremely frugal. But my husband absolutely blossomed and started his own side gig, and he had the time and energy to do this because he didn’t have to share household and baby responsibilities with me since I was staying home. He was able to fully focus on growing this business. Two years later, when our second child was born, he was able to walk away from his 8-6 job because his business exploded. All that to say, trust your husbands! They can do it. And you can handle being at home. Working as a team does not mean you are both doing the same things.
@@JuniperLynn789 I'm sorry but is pure delusion to think everyone else's story will end up like yours.
Thank you for sharing your story! While everyone will not end up having a story like yours, I find it extremely helpful that you share it online, even if some people think it is delusional.
@@1cindy8552 it is delusional lol. The way her situation panned out is not even close to what's normal for the majority of people.
@@1cindy8552 its not a matter of opinion. I don't think it's delusional, it IS delusional 🤣
@@pettybetty1791But that’s what we do in a healthy and thriving society, we share stories. We pass down our experiences. Because it’s stories and real, shared experiences that help us learn from other people’s history and point us in the direction toward good decisions that will succeed. Of course no one’s story and no one’s results are going to be exactly the same. But something important to remember is not to make a decision based on fear or shame, but on wisdom. Fear and shame will tell a woman she can’t trust any man. Wisdom will tell a woman she can find a good man and make healthy decisions with him to secure her future before they even get married.
We need voices like this- I can’t believe how devalued motherhood is. “The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world.”
Yep this comes from feminist women hatred for feminine women
As a male, my faith in the future of western culture is enhanced by listening to Ms. Fisher gleefully describe her obvious joy (and fulfillment) in raising children. The larger conversation happening here is encouraging.
@swrichmond9782 it sure is
This has been my story. I’m 35 and pregnant with my first. I bought into the lie that I would be just as fulfilled in my career. I’m a therapist and passionate about helping others and wanted to do this since I was 15. But now all I want to do is be a stay at home mom, which I never thought I would in a million years. I thought I didn’t want kids originally but I now know that was fear plus all the lies I was told. It occurred to me the other day, all the things that are core of who I am as a person scream nurturing and motherhood. My love for animals and caring for them, my drive to be a therapist and help others, all this energy I was pouring into those things. I think I was fooling myself for a long time. I’m fortunate enough to be in a situation where we can financially afford for me to stay home and as a therapist I can do private practice virtually from home. I’m so grateful things ended up in my favor to facilitate staying at home with my kids (we plan for a second very soon after the first), I’m just sorry it took me so long to figure it out! Thank you both for the work that you do, combating the lies women of my generation have been told for too long!❤
It's ok, you got there! You didn't let fear or seeking a certain financial level (what we were told to do) hold you back from what your heart, your very soul told you. I have a similar story. Proud of you!
Similar story! Somehow I knew I needed to create a career that could be flexible (entrepreneurship) and I've done that. And now, being pregnant with our first I have felt SUCH a strong pull to shut it all down and just be a stay at home mom. I could relate so much to Ellen and not wanting to walk away completely from what she has created, but knowing in her heart what was true for her. What a great conversation!
At least you didn’t realise this at 40+
Congrats on your pregnancy! I’m also a mental health professional and I have a 9 month old son. I work part time right now, but I have recently put in my resignation notice so I can work even LESS hours at another agency. Working part time as a mom is great because you get the best of both worlds: you get to be a part time SAHM and spend lots of time with your LO, while at the same time contributing financially to your household. I wish you luck on your journey to motherhood! ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story! As a 35 year child free therapist , I love what I do and helping others. I've never gravitated towards wanting children but noticing myself feeling confused and feeling pulled towards motherhood slowly. Hopefully I can settle on a choice soon and make peace with this. Thank you for opening up this conversation 🙏
14:38 I had the same experience in my twenties. All I ever wanted was to be married and be a mom and homeschool my kids, cook & bake. I was shamed and looked down on by my entire family, the men I dated, and society in general. I got a degree because I hoped to meet a high achieving husband in college. But none of them were ready to get married. So after years of waiting for my husband by working in a six figure career, I finally met a sane man with traditional values.
@Foxie770 WE THANK GOD! YOU JUST DESCRIBE A MIRACLE! THERE ARE MANY MEN N WOMEN WHO TRULY DESIRE A FAMILY BUT CAUSE OF SOCIETY, FEAR, AND PRIDE! NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE THAT RISK !
I did, too.
On top of it, both of my parents are and were psychologically and emotionally abusive and manipulative. Both were physically abusive, but that was mostly my father.
My mother has such fears of abandonment, insecurity, narcissistic tendencies, etc. that she passive-aggressively sabotaged all of my education and career-building efforts.
As much as I wanted to be a wife and SAH mother, my health in every sense was wrecked and I had no chance of meeting the right kind of man to build a life with. I was really, really stuck.
Finally met my dream guy in 2019 while I was in trade school (which my mother was sabotaging, so I was struggling to not fail). The guy had a background in clinical psychology working with forensic mentally ill patients.
He understood right away that I was capable of doing a lot with my life, but was struggling and being held back by my parents keeping me financially dependent on them.
He encouraged my independence. She freaked and tried "forcing" me to break up with him. It backfired, because I chose him. They wrote me a letter of eviction and things have been getting slowly better ever since.
We are engaged to be married. We live in a part of the country where they have no idea where to find me/us.
Our biggest issue now is finances-getting out of debt quickly enough to marry and have children before I am too old. We already have cut lots of corners to save. If we still can't afford a house next year, we're literally planning on leaving the apartment, selling or putting in storage our stuff, and living out of our cars/camper. Apartments have gotten so insanely expensive...
Ellen, as someone who has been watching since Elvis was a baby, I promise your long-time subscribers are happy whenever you post. Don't feel pressured to post if a certain phase of your life is overwhelming with family activities. We don't want you pulling your hair out to get a podcast episode live, or an e-book, etc. Post when it makes sense for your family and your creative drive. I don't care if your content is regularly scheduled or not.💜
Also want to say that we will be here even if you need to take a long break to focus on your family or figure things out. 😊
I completely agree
100% agree!
@@stephaniemarkakis7714 I agree! We can even watch the old
Content again to get inspired.
Yes! Completely agree!
As a mature woman, past homeschooling mom of 3, married 37 years - you will NEVER look back when your old and regret dropping work to spend more time with your children. I promise that. If you don't change things now, you will be my age and look back with big regrets. You can do this - follow your heart!
@@suezeeque1 a woman just like you once told me this same piece of advice you shared. When I was pregnant, she looked at me and said “don’t listen to what society is screaming at you. You hear older mom all the time say they regret not spending more time with their children once they’ve grown. But you will never ever hear a good mom say she regrets spending time with her children or wishes she worked more. So do what you know is right, and stay home with your babies. Sacrifice anything you can to do that”. It changed my life, and I’m forever grateful to her for telling me that!
@@everyone2975 It is not terrible advice, as not all men are horrible.
@@everyone2975 I am so sorry this was your experience. I do appreciate that they don’t recommend putting all your eggs into the motherhood basket in this discussion. Because you do need to be able to support yourself if crap hits the fan. And it can in so ways. Injury, death, infidelity, illness etc. It is vitally important to be able to survive if it comes down to just you or just you and the kids. I feel like there’s a sweet spot of prepared and stepping into our purpose that we need to find as women. Because the world simply isn’t the same as it once was.
@@JuniperLynn789 Not all men are horrible but it is terrible advice if a woman does not have money put away or little to no resources. The advice to rely on someone else to take care of you financially basically depends on how he feels that day next week, a year or 10 years from now. Anyone who knows anything about finances and financial planning would not recommend the original comment as good advice.
@@melissagreye8445 Funny you mention that. My husband is a successful financial planner and runs a company training other financial planners and reps, and their managing partners and directors nationwide, for various financial planning companies. And a conversation we had BEFORE we got married, was securing my access to finances in any event that would cause me to lose access to the income he brings in for our family. So we knew before getting married that if he died, or even left me, I would be financially secure on paper. A good man also shows his woman reassurances in this way. So the advice is, marry a good, God-fearing man who puts his wife and family over his own pride and gain from the beginning. So even if he slipped up in some way, his wife and kids would be ok.
As a newlywed who is 30 years old and hopes to become a mama one day, this is completely validating and affirming and I am so glad to know I am not alone in wanting to be a mama more than anything ❤
I’m 30, he’s 36 and getting married in a few months. We don’t have kids yet but both want them but want to wait a bit longer. So so good knowing others are too
I’m with you sistas! 33 here and in our first year of marriage (we dated for 8 years haha) and planning for baby #1 currently. So excited for this long awaited season. It will all unfold for you in divine timing. Sending love to all. We got this!!
A woman who chooses to stay at home has more choice than a woman who has to work. When a friend and I were 20 we thought we didn't cared about saving animals instead of people. By 25 we were both like: baby baby baby baby, LOL. Sometimes it just takes the right guy to activate it I think.
My child just became an adult. And having to stand back and let my son set out to be a man and letting go is one of the most brutal things I have dealt with, and I have dealt with a lot.
I wish you the best of luck on your journeys.
@@Nylon_riot Letting go never seems to come easy. Thank you for offering your perspective. It is powerful to hear from people in different seasons of life. Wishing you all the best!
Congrats! I hope you are blessed with children soon! That is the most important and fulfilling work you will ever do! And you’ll be grateful you enjoyed raising your children instead of competing like a man in the commercial workplace.
Oh my gosh, I LOOVVEE Suzanne Venker! I am so incredibly excited to listen to this. I had my first, a daughter, last December and had no clue I would want to be a stay at home so bad until she got here. Now, I can't imagine anything else. I'll be 35 this winter and I'm quickly realizing that I've had my whole life to focus on me - focusing on my daughter and giving her the best childhood I can, that's what important now. My husband and I budgeted our butts off so I could stay at home and I am thankful every day I get to do so. I love the journey that my daughter has taught me about facing my own silly narcissism that I claimed so proudly in my twenties. What a gift parenthood is!
I had the same exact realization once I became a mom. But it took me having my second daughter to make that move. I listened to her videos during the transition and it really made me feel “normal” to feel this way in a world of career women.
Same.
I am so happy for you!!! It truly is the best gift❤
Hey I also had my first baby, a daughter, last December! Congrats!
Hi. I'm 32. Contemplating a family. This really was good to read
“Will Suzanne Venker make me want to quit my job” yes…she did me. Totally changed my mindset on being a stay at home mom.
One reason why woman can also get triggered by the roll of stay at home mom is out of fear and not trusting the man you are with. It is sort of an unsafe roll to take on. You have to trust the man is not going to cheat or leave you. If your marriage ends, and you as the woman relied on the man for everything in the financial and physical world sense, you are left in a bad situation if your marriage ends.
I think it’s beautiful to stay at home with your children but you should also, as a woman, have a plan. Education and skills that can translate to income if you need
thank you for mentioning this. I love this. I would love to stay at home, but I would be worried to be economically dependent on someone.
Yes I agree with this, I wonder if from the beginning both agree on the roles moving forward, should it be some sort of prenuptial?? Not with the goal
Of divorce at some point obviously, but to protect the stay at home wife. I feel it could be so helpful and give the wife some comfort that she will be protected no matter what. This out of love!❤ If the husband cheats or becomes violent, this way she does not feel
Like she has no option!!
Yes, that's a very good point. Everyone who gets married thinks their marriage will turn out fine...they're in love. But men can slowly start to show their true colors. Abuse starts creeping in. And it's SO sad when a woman and her kids get stuck in a situation where she is completely dependent on him. Or a marriage where they don't believe in divorce, so they will stay and submit to a physically violent man who is abusive to the children as well. I saw it with my Christian mother. She believed God wanted her to just stick it out. We all wished they would have gotten a divorce. 😢
So I can see both sides. The very best scenario is when two people get married, and they both treat each other with respect and love. However we can only control our own selves. And we can do our very best in selecting a good man, but abusers are very charming and can fool the entire family and gain their trust before things start happening. I suppose the best thing would be to have a way to leave and provide for your family yourself if need be...but plan A is being a traditional family. Plan B sucks, but at least you can say you tried plan A.
Solution - don’t marry or have kids with a man you don’t trust. I can’t imagine living in that kind of daily fear.
@CHK12319 this solution wouldn't work for those who trust a man, then the man shows his true colors. This has happened many times.
Ellen, we will all be here in 7, 8, 9 years when you start back up with this. Enjoy your babies in Maui.
If you had heard the same message from a man, would you have called him a misogynist?
I love this lady, she’s truly put my mind at peace when I was looking to leave my career and pull my child out of daycare to stay at home with my littles, and I’m so excited for this episode. Thank you Ellen!
Lying with my toddler as he naps and watching this. Hes never been apart from me longer than a half hour his whole life and he's the happiest, most secure little guy cause I've always been there when he needed me. There is no money that would trump this blessing.
👏👏👏❤❤✊️✊️
That’s awesome. I’m glad you have the space & safety to be with him. ❤
She is doing the Lord's work and I am not even married or have kids yet.
Facts
Amen 🙏 ❤👏🏼🌈
Gurl, please check out Princilla Clark (the queen maker), she also has a book '41 shades of men', do yourself a favour ✨️ bless you
I guess you're looking for Mr. Big bucks eh?
When you ignore divine wisdom you get... well, what we have now. The madness and insanity. When you don't honor fathers and mothers, you get screwed up kids. Therefore screwed up generation.
Thank you for being a real person Ellen and not trying to hide or pretend like your life is perfect. Your honesty and vulnerability is so meaningful
Very tru
Came here to say just this.
Also have to remember that life can throw anything your way. My husband was paralyzed in a car crash and he cannot work. You have to be flexible to do what needs to be done when life has other plans. Don’t always get what you want.
So very sorry for what happened to your husband : (
A lot of times women leave for this
Similar boat though my husband is not paralyzed. He is disabled. He is a stay-at-home dad, and I work. We realize it's a bit backwards, but we were committed to one of us being home, and that has to be hubs unfortunately. BUT FORTUNATELY, I married an AMAZING man, and he is an unbelievably great father.
While I'm sorry to hear about your husband and your unfortunate circumstances, pointing out an exception does not disprove the rule.
Of course you're right, we all have to step up when life throws us a curveball.
But Suzanne is discussing the GENERAL rule. Historically, physiologically, emotionally, financially, socially,...
✌️ Good luck to you and your family.
I was pursuing schools and careers in my 20s. I met my husband when I was 28, married at 31, got pregnant and gave birth at 33, and second baby at 35.
I've never been happier. I love being a mom and I am thankful that my husband make more than enough to allow me to stay home.
At the buzzer
@@MattieK09Not really.
The one caveat to this video: we need more GOOD men. Women can’t stay home if the men are lazy, addicted to their phones and p*orn, and are abusive. Women have to work because men won’t pull their own weight. Yes, I’m divorced and now I’m a single mom. My ex husband was terrible. And yes I chose wrong.
100% in agreement.
No adult, except in extenuating circumstances, should be financially dependent on another adult. Not only does is make the dependant more vulnerable to abuse, but even if the man is an excellent and respectful provider, anyone's husband could get sick and become unable to work, or any woman could become a widow at any point.
I find it ridiculous, and even anti-Biblical and anti-Christian (given that there were women in the Bible who worked or were more independent and are praised for it) to keep teaching 1950's family dynamics as perfect and as the true "Christian" family. This is harmful to men and women. There is absolutely no reason why men can't help more at home. My grandpa who provided for his family while my grandma stayed home (by choice) still got home and helped her with house keeping, always cleaned the dishes for her after a meal, took his kids out all the time and spent quality time with them without my grandma so that she could also relax sometimes, and he never expected her to be his personal maid and nanny of his children on the clock. He also gave her 100% of his paycheck to manage the household expenses so he never tried to control her using his financial power. I have yet to meet a modern American man who is like my grandpa (we are not Americans, but I moved here as a teen).
Had my grandma chosen to work my grandpa would have supported and helped her. Most of the women in my country work and are married to true providers of love, encouragement, and respect their wives who are professionals.
The point is, being a "financial provider" didn't limit him from providing in other ways. A leader in the Bible is one who serves (as Jesus exemplified by washing the apostles' feet), so a man who is a true leader and provider is not the one who brings in some paycheck and sits on the coach the rest of the evening, or gets late from work. A man who provides is the one who serves his wife and children in the way they need him the most, be it by providing a hand to help with household chores, providing encouragement, providing quality time and love, etc. Jesus provided us not with material stuff, but with love and wisdom. He was a provider in the way he served us and gave his life for us.
There are good men everywhere.
@@Beginnerreadsthebible where? Literally where?!?
Good men are made by higher standards and demands of responsibility by women. Good men are not born, they are made.
Completely agree.
As someone who is not a mother, but is an entrepreneur and homesteader, this spoke to me as well! A lot of great takeaway for everyone whether single, married, mother, or not. Thanks for keeping these podcasts relatable regardless.
I love herrr!!! Mom of 4, homeschool leader..just turned 32 I am so glad I followed my instincts & not what society said.
Haha I was actually annoyed when Ellen said that some listeners might be annoyed - but, yes, I stopped to think about WHY I was annoyed... I am brainwashed 😅😳 Very important and amazing conversation. Thank you so much for sharing - this has given me lots of food for thought... Lots of love xx
I got married when I was 23. Fast forward 6 years and we have 4 kids, going on 5. Im home full time with the kids and my husband works. Life is pretty much as good as it can get! Yes, hectic... But so fulfilling and there is honestly nothing more I could ask for at this point in time.
Wait till yoy age a bit more and woman the age you are now catches his eye and you find out hes cheating
@@ClaireGreen-wd2gm
Dont project your life experience unto others, bitter betty.
When I was younger I never thought I wanted to have children... Went to one of the best music universities in the world to become a performing pianist...then boom! Met my husband and got married at 23, finished my degree, had 3 kids in 4 years, and now a fourth one on the way. What works for me is that I'm still teaching and performing part time whilst the kids are at school, but when they are home, its not about the music career but raising the family. Part time, flexible work is also a good solution for those who do not wish to stay home all the time.
I am 36 years old, got married at 19 and have eight kids. I am SO glad I did NOT listen to the culture or even my feminist family about kids and marriage and career!! I have been a stay at home mom my whole marriage and I love it! Things can be hard but still be so good, which I think our culture doesn’t understand. To the culture, hard equals bad. And that is just not true! My kids and my marriage are everything to me! Could we use more money, sure, but we have enough. My husband and I have prioritized our marriage and our family over money and we do not regret anything. And relationships are so much more important than money/stuff/ material things! Hopefully more people start realizing this. We weren’t made for material things, we were made for relationship and each other!!
(I will also say we own our own home and are debt free, we just live modestly)
I agree 100 with you. We’re young & don’t own a home yet, but no one understands a woman wanting to be SAHM, even ‘traditional’ people think we’re clinically insane 😂.
@KnowLoveServeHim I found your comment under my own. I'm 32 with 4. I also got married at 19!! Right now our youngest is 5months old, oldest is 12. We want more kids but now we are questioning if we should stop. Instincts say NO. We want a big family. But now logistics do come in like money,seating in the car, and honestly HEALTH-- we have healthy kids but alot can go wrong so there's just fear in the back of my mind so I'm wondering if that's something you can relate to and how to combat or deal with it if so?
@@kirstenfell3970 Hi Kirsten, I totally understand! Yes, I have definitely dealt with fear and anxiety during our decision to have this many kids(and maybe more in the future!). I myself have recently been having some hormone/joint health issues, after tests thankfully it doesn’t seem too serious but it’s still ongoing, I’ve been dealing with it for about 10 months, and for context I’m still nursing our 15 month old. Since having some of these issues (at one point we actually thought I had Rheumatoid arthritis), I have really struggled with the thought of having more kids, will I be in pain the whole time? What if it’s worse postpartum? What if it makes things harder while caring for a newborn? And just the other night I was nursing my sweet baby girl with her chunky little snuggly body pressed up to mine, and I just whispered to her, you are SO worth it. And at that moment I realized even if I have a chronic pain illness the rest of my life, my babies are worth the sacrifice. Now it looks like I may not have a chronic health issue, Thanks be to God! But even if I did, pain and difficulty are fleeting, but our children’s souls will live on forever. My oldest is 17 about to enter his senior year in highschool and applying for colleges now, and I just realize how quickly time goes, and I’m grateful I still have little ones at home and by the time I can’t have children anymore, hopefully I’ll have grandbabies! Children are just such a gift! And as far as money/ material stuff goes, we live in a small 3 bedroom ranch, (thankfully with a huge yard!) but I would love more space, a basement would be nice! But even without that extra space I just know that I would rather have all of the kids (each their own unique unrepeatable individual self!) that I have, than not have them just because I don’t have more square feet of house for them to play in.
Lastly I’ll address fear itself. Fear is funny because sometimes there’s something there to fear, like lightning, or an earthquake or a fire, or a wild animal, and the list can go on! But sometimes the fear we have is just the fear of the unknown, which may happen but often times doesn’t ever happen. We could go through our lives choosing not to do things because of possible problems or go forward and live, and probably won’t ever deal with the problems we thought we would. This is why I try not to make decisions out of a place of fear, because fear can deceive us. I have dealt with anxiety a lot in my life and have tried not to make decisions based off of that fear and everything has always seemed to work out. I don’t know if you’re Christian, but I am, and I find that letting go and trusting that God will take care of me and my family has always worked. God is faithful and when I’ve let go and said yes to being open to life and living out what my husband and I feel he is calling our family to, God always supplies, even greater than I could have imagined!
And I have never ever regretted having any of my kids, but I do know many people who regretted not having more.
Sorry for the long post! I hope this helps you! And I hope God blesses you and your family!! ❤️
-Alexandra
@@kirstenfell3970 Hi Kristen, I typed up a response and I thought it went through but it isn’t showing up, so I’m going to try and type up my response again just in case my previous one did not go through.
I totally understand where you’re coming from, and yes, I have definitely felt fear and anxiety through out the years when deciding whether or not to have more children and for different reasons. I’ll share that recently I have had some health issues (I thought I had Rheumatoid arthritis but not it’s looking like it’s something else) and I was looking at the prospect of a chronic health issue, thankfully now it seems it may not be so serious, thanks be to God. Nevertheless I was thinking about whether or not it would be wise to have more children if I was going to be in pain. Would I have issues taking care of a newborn? What if I had issues during pregnancy? And so on. I didn’t know.
But the other night as I was nursing my 15 month old in the middle of the night, her sweet little chunky body pressed up against mine, you are SO worth it, I whispered to her. And I realized at that moment, that whether I’m in pain or not, my kids are so worth the sacrifice!
And if I do have a chronic pain issue, I’ll be in pain whether I have kids or not, so I’d rather have them!
We have had a few minor health issues with our kids but nothing too serious and we’ve only had one broken bone and one surgery! Which is very lucky considering how many kids we have!
But things will happen, pain and suffering are inevitable, but God will give us the grace to get through it. And the chances of something severe happening is pretty low.
Another thing, my oldest is 17 and about to enter his senior year of high school and is applying to colleges. I just realized that time goes by so quickly and they grow up so fast, I’m so grateful that I still have babies at home, and by the time I’m can’t have children anymore, hopefully I’ll have grandbabies!
The other worry we have had is about space. We live in a small 3 bedroom ranch on a large lot. It’s tight in the house but I would much rather have the kids that I do, then not have them because we don’t have more square footage for them to play in! Thankfully we have a big yard, but a basement would be nice in the winter! But we’ll get there! And in the meantime I’m so glad I didn’t wait to have that basement before having those babies!
Now I’ll address fear. Fear is funny because sometimes we fear real threats like lightning, earthquakes, a wild animal, and so on. But sometimes we fear things that aren’t there like the future, future illnesses, future pain and suffering, etc. and these things may never happen, but even if they do they often aren’t as bad as we thought they would be, often the anticipation of these things is worse than the thing/event itself. This is why I try not making decisions based out of fear, because fear can be deceiving and isn’t always accurate at predicting the experience we may or may not have.
I don’t know if you’re Christian, but I am and I have found that when I let go and say yes to what I feel God is calling me to, it always turns out better than I had planned! God loves to surprise us! For instance, I have worried that my pregnancies would get harder as I got older, but they’ve actually been much easier! God will always give us the grace and supply for our needs.
Lastly, I know that I will never regret having a single one of my unrepeatable and unique children (whose souls will live on forever!), but I have spoken to many women who say they deeply regret not having more children.
Sorry for the very long post, but I wanted to give you a thoughtful response!
I hope this helps you in your discernment! And I pray God continues to bless your family! ❤️
Hi Kirsten, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I have definitely struggled with fear and anxiety in discerning whether or not to have more kids.
I will share that most recently I have been having some health issues, and for a while now it was looking like it may be chronic, but thankfully with more tests it looks like it won’t be chronic. Anyway, for the time that I didn’t know it was really hard when thinking about having more kids, I had so many questions like will I be in a lot of pain during pregnancy? What if I’m in a lot of pain postpartum and have difficulty caring for my newborn? But then one night I was nursing my sweet 15 month old daughter, her sweet little chunky body pressed up to mine, I whispered to her, you are SO worth it. And it dawned on me in that moment that I don’t care if I’m in pain, she is worth all the sacrifice and more! Even if I am in pain for the rest of my life, I would way rather have her around than not have her around just because I’m in pain.
My oldest is 17 and currently applying to colleges as he is about to enter his senior year in high school. I realized how fast that time has gone and how quickly he grew up. And I thought how happy I am that I still have little babies at home. And by the time they’re grown up, hopefully I’ll have grandbabies!
The other thing with money, big car, house, etc., God always seems to provide. We were lucky to be able to buy a 15 passenger van with some extra money that my husbands job invested for him. We bought a good house for cheap with multiple extensions on closing with the bank, which our realtor called an actual miracle because he had never seen anything like that before! I just have seen so many blessings come to us through trusting in God and his plan for our family.
Now I’ll address fear. Fear is so funny because sometimes our fears are legitimate like a wild animal or lightning or some other real threat. But sometimes we fear something that isn’t actually happening, like the future, or future pain or suffering. But those things may or may not ever happen. And usually the things we fear are not even that bad even if we do go through something hard. This is why I try to not make decisions out of fear, fear can deceive us and cloud our judgement. I have definitely felt my fair share of fear and anxiety. And we have had some minor health issues with the kids, one broken bone and one surgery. All of those things were hard to go through for sure but I also grew so much and realized that I can’t prevent my kids from experiencing pain, but I can be there for them when they do, and I think that matters to them more. I also realized we are stronger than we think and hard times make us grow into better more compassionate human beings!
We also have a small house, but I’m so much happier that I’ve had all my kids, than waiting to have them until I had a bigger home.
I will never regret having a single one of my kids (each of them unique, individual, unrepeatable souls that will live forever!)
And I can’t imagine my life without any of them! But I do know women who deeply regret not having more children.
It’s hard in the moment but when you look back you’ll be so happy you made the choice to have more! A large family is so full too! So much fun and companionship for all the kids!
I’m sorry for the very long post, but I hope this helps you! And I hope God continues to bless your family! ❤️
-Alexandra
My wife and I prepared for the future by saving her income and living off of mine. She was a teacher who was able to continue her career when we had two in college. She raised our three children who are college graduates and successful. While she was mothering, she did a lot of writing which she later turned into a musical production. As a teacher, she wrote songs for the children, wrote a children's workbook, and published a book of poetry from some of the writing she did as a mother. This was in the 60s, 70s, and 80s.
21 weeks pregnant and I’m so excited and thankful I’ll be able to stay home. I’ll be done with my program I’m doing online next semester & it’s something I’ll be able to do from home too. My husband knew early on that I wanted to be at home and I’m thankful he’s so supportive
What program did you pursue? :)
@@annaeverwilliamson medical coding!
@@MKSpeakz that’s awesome! My mom has done that for years:)
Ellen I’ve been watching you sense I was 12 I’m married now and have children. Seeing you cry literally made my heart melt I’m right there with you. You’re not alone and you’re so amazing and strong to talk about it.❤
🥺thank you for bieng here and for your encouragement wow!
I'm not certain this maths. If the channel has been around 3 years and you were 12 then you would be 15 now?
@aurograce2983 Ellen has been on instagram and youtube since like 2012, maybe earlier. I remember following her my sophomore year of high school and i’m 27 now. So that’s about 11 going on 12 years. So OP can likely be 24 👍🏽
I’ve here before Elvis was born. And he must be a teenager now!
We're out of the daycare stage, all 3 went through as we're a 2 spouse working household; I struggled through the guilt even though my children went to amazing daycares where we loved the teachers and they loved our children; we send out children to some of the best public schools in the united states; the teachers and staff are amazing, so why am I so emotional? why do I have the need to remove them from school and homeschool on the daily? why do I have this panic-stricken feeling that I am losing out on their childhood years and they are flying by at the speed of light and all I'm doing is surviving day to day; the struggle is something I feel daily, a heavy feeling in my chest, this truly hurts my heart. I haven't finished this podcast as of writing this but can't wait to hear all that is taught today.
It sounds like you are feeling convicted to homeschool. I think that you should homeschool, and be present as a mom, you won’t regret it.
Even if your children are thriving at great public schools, other adults are shaping their thoughts. They are not learning the family’s values, religion, habits, schedule, ect.. The kids are being pressured to succeed and conform to the world’s standards, peer pressure. Kids going to schools are also exposed to violence, bullying, ect.. Their individuality is not valued or encouraged. Kids benefit from spending more time with their parents! Pray about it, and move forward in faith.
You sound like wonderful mom. Remember, no one loves your children more than you.
Because. Your children are yours.
Grass is always greener
Thank you for this conversation, Ellen. This is speaking to me so much! I stay at home and homeschool my children and sometimes, even though I feel so fulfilled in my role as a mother, I feel like the work I do is not valid because I am not working outside of the home. It is so hard to navigate, especially when I see so many of my friends with careers and I struggle with feeling stuck in place.
G-d bless you, Ma'am
I feel you mama, i have those ups and downs all the time. I find surrounding myself with other homeschooling stay at home mamas helps focus what I believe the worth of my work is. It’s easy when we step out of our homes into the world as it is to second guess ourselves or to feel like we’re doing things upside down and all wrong. Sending you peace ❤
Ellen, this is such a fantastic episode and I so appreciate you taking the time to do this. I have been following you since 2019 when I had a 1 year-old and I spent all of my time with him at home. I started feeling like I needed to do something with myself other than being a mother, even though being a wife and mom was always what I wanted to do. I had my hand in a few random jobs here and there, some freelance writing, photography, and I even started work as a birth doula. All things that I love, but I felt so stressed. I realized I was not happy and content at home with my son, which is where I knew in my heart I wanted to be, but I felt like I had to “make something more of myself”. I have two children now and we started homeschooling this year and I feel so fulfilled. I was so worried that if I stepped away from writing or birth work I would no longer have my foot in the door and I’d never have that opportunity again. My own doula told me that there would always be space for me and that people will always be having babies, and that it was okay for me to be home with my own babies and maybe pick up doula work later in life. That resonated with me so much! I just want you to know what an amazing inspiration you have been to me and that I’ll always be here to support your content. If you need to take a step back your followers will still be here ❤ Much love!
I would love to see women feel free to take either path - personally I love being an aunt, I love being an involved family member - I was not interested in being a mom - (I was a caretaker since a teen to my own mother which I dont regret for a minute and still love). I love my career and find it super fulfilling, but I value much more being with my partner - that is what makes me excited for each day. If we had met earlier in life I would definitely give him children, but it was not my personal calling. WIth that said, I DONT want women to feel shamed for not wanting what I wanted. We should have a society that encourages both paths with realy conversations about fertility and age and what works best for children.
I’m the one who made that comment on the beginning of Suzanne’s video. I couldn’t believe she actually saw it and now it’s here-how amazing! I wrote that comment crying in my cubicle of a job I fought for but no longer had the heart to keep. I have since quit working with the full support of my husband. He is our provider and he and I have never been happier or more secure. We are trying for another child and trusting God to continue to provide for us❤️
Congratulations. Thank you for taking action and getting back to what makes us happiest ❤
Growing up as a child who was homeschooled with a mother who was a stay at home, it was a very difficult for her to leave my abusive father. I don’t think it’s about gender roles as much as it is about women’s investment in themselves and the ability to care for themselves. If I put my wellbeing and financial freedom into the hands of another, male or female, flawed human being, then I set myself up for disempowerment. A career is not about satisfaction as much as it is about self love, sovereignty, and freedom.
Exactly!! Thank you for mentioning this!!
Your situation is different and I would encourage you to do some internal work, on your own or with a counselor. Being married and trusting your husband to provide for you and your family because he loves you, is not containment or anything else opposite of what you said. You're confused and I'm sorry you grew up in that environment.
yes.. what I dislike about the commentary now is that there is this assumption that women are doing mundane, soulless work & choosing that over their families. In reality, many women have extremely fulfilling jobs serving their communities. I want to serve my family but I also have existential concerns. I also have a desire for meaning that goes beyond my little life. I also have a desire for self-sufficiency, autonomy, following my passions and seeing where they take me.
@@jan-beanthere are seasons for all those things. Your “little bubble” will be in the world contributing to society it all starts with “little bubbles”. You have so much to clean out from the corruption of what you have been told.
I agree , a job is about plain old survival as well.
This has been something weighing on me a few months ago. I had a really hard time getting out of high school, drinking doing drugs. Then I met my fiance at 28. We both struggled with addiction and we did couples counseling to learn how to communicate better. And our therapist also said Mom being home with baby is crucial to development. My daughter was born in 2022 (praise the Lord) but looking back at my own childhood, if my mother was home with me and my three sisters I believe I wouldn't have gone down such a dark path. I had no attachment. And I have incredible parents. But being away from my mom all the time, hurt. And I had to be the strong for my younger sisters, who were also in daycare with me.
So now being a mother myself. I could not imagine being away from my baby.
And I'm so thankful I found a man that has the same mindset.
Inflation.. housing market etc, has made it more difficult for everyone single, married without children and families... crazy times to be alive for. Love this conversation Ellen, Suzzane talks about important topics!!!
I'm amazed at how much I relate to Ellen's experience in this video. In the last year I started a business, got pregnant (with our 4th) and handed the business over to my husband who is now running the business better than I ever would have. I help him as needed, but it really has become his, and I've been able to recommit myself to homeschooling. Since the business is at home, our whole family stays home together. This set up is totally a dream come true for me.
I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, so I chose to become an RN. I wanted the security of having an education, however, my goal was always to be a SAHM. I’m beyond grateful that I’m home with my 3 and 5 year-old now. I had the foresight to choose a career where I can step out of the field while they’re young and have flexibility as they age.
I have an interesting take.
My mom convinced me to have children. She told me all about how wonderful it is to be a stay at home mother, raise your own children, and to allow your husband to lead.
However, now I have four children, and she’s nowhere to be found. I have zero support since my husband has to work 60 hours a week to provide for us. My mom decided to go back to school and work, even though she married a man who is adamant that she need never work again in her life. She is chasing money and is unwilling to allow her husband to financially care for her…….. and she’s missing out on spending time with me and her grandchildren. I am left depressed, isolated, and feeling like she tricked me. Sounds harsh, but my kids deserve to have a mother with good mental health- they currently do not have that. *Moms need support from their mothers and mothers in law, too.*
Total agreement. My mom was the same. Retired to help me when babies came, then once babies were here started another business and ghosted me entirely. I have a great husband but the lack of a guiding maternal figure is sorely missed.
Thats the reality of many mothers are burned out no support, no family, isolated. This is a one way conversation, they should have added another person to this conversation to bring other perspectives that do jot agree with their way of thinking.
This conversation made me feel both clear about my priorities as a parent and Despair.... I am a single mom. There is no way I cannot work. That said, I have done EVERYTHING in my power to be there for my daughter, including moving in with, and then near, my parents. They have helped me so much, and I wouldn't have been able to be home more if it wasn't for them. I have also made the decision to live on less and work part-time instead of full-time. Money is tight sometimes, but I have seen how me working with/around my priority to be a parent has made me life (and my daughter's) slightly easier. However, I have felt cheated of my time with her, especially when she was very little, and I wasn't near family, and I literally was so exhausted from trying to do everything, that I had nothing left to give her. I've seen how just those first two years of strain (me being temperamental, not present, and not taking care of myself) made even more problems that I had to address later. I want to blame someone - society or men or myself - but I also know we can't always have everything we want in this life... Sending out encouragement to all the moms out there! You are an amazing mom, in whatever capacity you decide to live your life!
You sound like an amazing Mom. May God bless you and your daughter and give you strength.
Don’t feel guilty at all. You’re doing everything in your power to spend more time with your child. Everyone’s life path is different just try to be content with where you are. I wish the best for you.
Thank you for being so honest in this conversation Ellen….I have tried for years to get my social media running bc I see how women in this space can have “SO much” and be home but have failed over and over bc it just doesn’t feel natural for me. My babies need me and I need this time with them.
Love your heart 💕 this podcasts have really changed the game
You can always go back to school, but after it's too late, you can't go back and have kids or raise them differently.
That’s not true. Starting a career in later stage of life is often not possible. You are competing with young people with little to no obligations. Honestly I feel that with advancement of medical care (in vitro, egg freezing, surrogacy) it is easier to start family later in life then to start a career.
Most people do not have a minimum amount for 20k to freeze eggs. That’s not logical at all. The older you get (especially with all the toxins in our world) you are almost always gonna have fertility issues. You can always go to school. 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy.
@@dzudiy8806It is harder to start a family later in life. In vitro is difficult and expensive. Being a “geriatric “ pregnancy is difficult not easy. I know this. There are plenty of people who change careers later in life and do well for themselves. You seem to be indoctrinated into the culture with all the lies about delaying motherhood. There’s always a few people like you who go on this zealous mission to try to convince people to go against what God had designed for men and women. That’s the devil at work.
Going back to school later in life is more expensive due to increased tuition.
I just saw a news story of a 100 yo woman graduating with another degree. This is what I'm talking about.
But when was the last time you saw a 100 yo lady give birth?
I also didn’t realize that I would be so fulfilled with staying home and taking care of my family.
I was a straight A student, got a masters degree, accepted into a competitive internship. But my best success has been making a safe, happy home for my family and friends.
👏👏👏
I am a female entrepreneur and literally am in the exact same place as you Ellen. I cried with you. I felt like you were both talking to me - thank you SO much for sharing your story ❤
I’m so proud of you for starting this podcast, I look forward to every episode, perfect for a calm skate 🛹🤙🏼🙏
Thank you for sharing this Ellen. Ive been feeling the need to simplify lately as well - I have found two choices of route - 1. Overthink it and drive myself crazy. 2. Let go. Clear the mind ( ocean swims work wonders ) and allow that which is next to come through to come in; no thought involved. Letting go of the thinking mind and letting your heart lead the way. Letting go of fear. Its that softening and allowing space. Whatever is meant to be will be perfect. It will be effortless nearly. Just soften, relax, and allow. This is what Im finding at the moment as a women in my early 30s. ❤
I've been listening to Suzanne for over a year, my husband and I are 28, just welcomed our second baby home a month ago, and we are now living our dream of me being a stay at home mom. My husband explained to our 2 year old "Mommy won't be going to work anymore, mom's job is to play with you and brother all day and have fun" Suzanne pointed me toward this outcome as the highest calling I could ever have and she was totally correct.
This episode desperately needs an opposing side who would explain those two ladies why their perspective is completely one-sided and ignores the reality of MOST women. The real problem is not women being brainwashed (maybe for a small minority it is, but definitely not for the majority of women), but the expensive school/health system and job market, which is treating people like robots. Not to mention the crazy housing market where you can hardly afford a normal home even if both parents are working. Also, our society is becoming more and more individualistic, there's often very little support for women with children who don't get help from their primary family (it takes a village to raise a child, right?). It's completely understandable that women wait to have children if they are financially stressed and have a low income. I was raised by parents who had many financial issues and I can tell you, it is not good for a child's wellbeing even if you have loving parents. Most people will NEVER (not even when they are older) be able to afford only one parent working and that can't be changed just like that. You would have to change the whole system for that to work. One example: people have different career goals and want different education, resulting in different salary perspectives. If a woman is a kindergarten teacher, likes her job, both she and her partner have a low salary and can hardly make ends meet (also, getting no support from a primary family) and at the same time want to become parents - what would those two ladies say to her? Quit your job and become an influencer/a blogger and wait for your channel to blow up? Or find another husband who can better provide for you? Most women my age in my circles want to have children and work less or even be a SAHM, but are postponing motherhood not because of feminism/being brainwashed, but because they don't have financial means to support a child even with good education and hard work. If they really want to give advice to women, they should start with providing solutions for women who want to have children, but have no option to get a decently paid (part time) job and also don't have a partner who is able to provide for the whole family - because that is the reality for the majority. I can't imagine how hurtful it must be for women to hear "you're brainwashed", if they are struggling financially and are basically forced to work at least 40 hours per week to bring food to the table.
Also, why are they bringing in nature only when it serves their argument? E.g., they are saying that women can't have sex without getting attached and men can-men can because it is in their nature to spread their genes by impregnating as many women as possible, right? (At least that's how the theory goes.). Well, if that were the case, the biblical way of marriage would make no sense, because according to the human nature, men are not made to be monogamous (even if they are providers). Also, I know so many women who can have casual hookups with males they find attractive in every aspect without getting attached to (attachment patterns can definitely evolve and change, it's not just about nature).
Thank you so much for this comment! I wanted to go there in my own comment about bringing up human nature only when it strengthens their argument and you put it really well. I'm so tired of Christian women trying to say that monogamy is in our brains and not there's, because first of all the science does not support that at all, and second of all, their opinions as members of a religion that basically tell women their not horny and that's just a men thing should really make everyone's ears turn off when they start talking about it, because they are not qualified to speak about female sexuality while operating from a world view that essentially says it doesn't exist. The rest of us women know it does exist and we can tell the difference between finding a partner and just hooking up with someone!
@@KatMoore-ih6mw A similar old bad story is what we've been told about female orgasm - that women have hard achieving it when, in reality, clitoral orgasm is much easier to achieve than male orgasm because clitoris has so many nerves (way more than a penis) and even extends into vagina. I'm sick of women themselves spreading nonsense about our sexuality.
@@KatMoore-ih6mwlol who is claiming women don’t get horny?
All of your points are so valid! That said, This episode is very specific to women who have the option to SAH but are choosing to work due to a belief system that goes against their true desires. There is a lot to negativity in The liberal community in regards to motherhood in general. I think that’s what they are speaking out against, motherhood is the most natural and beautiful thing, it should not be seen as shameful or inferior to getting a paying job
The whole point of this message is that ALL OF MODERN SOCIETY has been conditioned to accept the career path as the normal path for everyone, both men and women, and the family path has been marginalized.
So that’s it, the message is there is only one acceptable path. But that path ignores the choice that MOST (not all) women find most fulfilling, which is family.
Your main objection to this video’s message is that many women do realize they want a family, but the economy makes that practically impossible. The problem with your argument is that these women started down the career path, hoping to do both. But doing both is exponentially harder than just doing one and most women will end up choosing to focus on one and if they have already put in so much time and energy on the career, that becomes the easiest choice. They wait until they feel like there are better financial conditions. But time is not on a woman’s side, she only has a certain window of fertility.
The better choice is taking the family path from the beginning. Forget taking 4-6+ years chasing higher education, usually saddling yourself with debt, just to pursue a career that (for most women) is going to be far less fulfilling, all while wasting your most fertile years. Instead, a young woman should date with the intention to get married and specifically seek out a good man that already is in a position to provide for her and a family.
The good men who have a desire to start a family and with the means to provide typically seek out young family-minded women. They do this specifically because these women have their entire fertility window open and because they don’t have college debt or a career interfering with family planning. Not to mention the sordid history of partying and hookups that tend to go along with the college experience.
Young women never hear this message or have this option presented to them by mainstream society. Being a wife and SAHM is marginalized and looked down upon.
But I get that you’re wondering what is to be done when a woman has already gone down the career path. What can she do to extricate herself and get started on the family path. It seems like that’s the message you wish to hear, yes?
I seriously love Suzanne Venker! She gave voice to all my feelings and thoughts. Growing up both my parents and culture pushed me towards being very career centered. I also have a passion for travel so I decided to be a pilot. After long years of training I am finally an airline pilot and also am a mom of a two year old. I truly wished I had a Suzanne in my life then to be a voice of reason in planning out my life. I am still so grateful for the career that I have but she has helped empower me to see it’s okay to step back if I need to because the young years are so short and my job and role as a mother is more important. Thanks for this great video!
Sometimes the best stay at home parent is the Dad, as in my case. My husband was the stay at home parent for the formative years and says it’s the best experience in his life. He reentered the workforce when they were older and my career soared. I was envious of him but the priority was what was best for our children. In todays economy, single parents and lower income does not enable this choice.
When my kids were very little I started a side hustle cleaning houses. After about eight years I am so burned out. I recently put in my notice to my clients. I am done. My husband fully supports my decision. I am so happy. I am also regretful for ever choosing to work when my kids were little. My husband never asked me to. I was brainwashed to believe I needed to make money and do my own thing. It was not true. I have been miserable. Now that I’m going to stay at home full time I am so happy. We also homeschool and do so with much joy and gratitude. I feel so much better being able to just focus on the kids and the home and my husband. It feels so natural. I have so much more energy.
That's great ur husband supports ur decision
I don’t think all moms want to be home 24/7 until their kids are in school! I LIKE having a part time job where I get to be with adults and get out of the house and a break from my little one. I find I’m a much better mom when I do get breaks. I’m more patient and energetic when I get breaks.
You as an adult may benefit. But a child does not become !ore patient and energetic. They become fearful, anxiety ridden, and begin lifelong feelings of abandonment when separated from their mothers no matter the environment she leaves them in. When you stop performing and start presenting day to day management of emotions becomes habitual. Mothers need to be encouraged to lean in to the different levels of difficulty with this instead of taking work as a form of absense. When fathers work they do so that mothers can be present for the child. Paid labor for mothers means leaving the child vulnerable emotionally. It is not the same and should not be encouraged. Few mothers actually have true needs and claims that justify cleaving from young milk fed infants and even growing toddlers for paid labor. I believe they should be banned from working until the child is 7 at least.
Same, I get you!
Finally a comment on here I can relate to!! I’ve always wanted to be a mom.. went through miscarriages and all to have my kids and they’re both still young but I’m already exhausted of this being the only thing I do. I want to pursue my passions that I didn’t even realize I had because I had kids so young. I don’t want to be home all day like I thought I would. I’m a mean mommy when I’m overwhelmed watching them every second of my life with no breaks or time to pursue passions outside of motherhood :(
@@louis-vd3urI disagree with you. I think a part time job is a perfect solution. Perhaps dad s with the children while mom is working. This can be a great way for dad to bond with his kids when he has to be with them on his own. In addition, there may be an excellent grandmother or grandfather who can be bonding with the kids.
Dont expect high caliber men to see you as a high caliber wife or mother
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. This is just such a representation of what me and my family are also going through at the moment. I am only working about 10 hours of week with TWO kids and am feeling the burn out. Ellen, you are such an inspiration. Thank you for posting this interview.
I’m just mid way through the interview and oh Ellen my heart goes out to you when you got emotional, my soul felt your conundrum. I so understand this. The will to stay at home with our children but also to not struggle financially in doing so, and so we take on more than we set ourselves to do initially. This is definitely making me realize a lot about the cost of being a stay at home mom who’s also an entrepreneur.
thank you for this encouraging message, i appreciate you! ❤🥺
Ελεν να κανεις αυτο που νοιωθεις. Να ακους την καρδια σου. Εκλαιγα και γω οταν πηγαινα νυκτερι και αφηνα το πρωτο μου μωρο με το συζυγο,ειμαστε νοσηλεθτες. Φυσικα επαθα burnout ειμαι 50 ετων τωρα και ειναι πολυ δυσκολο με την κλιμακτηριο. Δε θελω να εργαζομαι αλλο. Σε 6 χρονια δικαιουμαι να φυγω με μειωμενη συνταξη. Δε ξερω αν θαντεξω,πραγματικα οχι μονο ψυχικα αλλα και σωματικα πια γιατι η γυναικα αλλαζει. Τα εκανα ολα,κανεις δεν με προειδοποιησε για το οτι στα 50 θα νοιωθω 90,πραγματικα δεν υπερβαλλω. Ήμουν αντρακι τωρα γκρινιαζω σαν γρια. Πονω και θελω χρονο. Ποτε δεν με αρκουσε ο χρονος. Μεινε με τα παιδια σου καλη μου. Παντα ζηλευα τις πολυτεκνες. Μυριζουν πιο πολυ γυναικες για μενα. Σε ζηλευω με την καλη εννοια. Ευχαριστω! Με πολλη πολλη αγαπη απο Ελλάδα❤❤❤❤
We’re currently expecting, and I was adamant from the beginning that I will stay home. Thanks to Suzanne, I had these conversations in the dating phase so that I knew we were on the same page. I’m so grateful to have a supportive husband. BUT in the current economy and with societal pressures, I still grapple with worry about going down to one income. The pressures from family have already been overwhelming, and it breaks my heart for women who feel that tug and are told to ignore it. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a SEASON. Work will always be there, but the first years with our babies will be fleeting. At the end of my life, I can’t imagine saying I wish I spent more time at the office.
I was where you are, we now homeschool and it's amazing. Be open to what the future looks like. 💓
I always feel so looked down on for my choice to have my three kids between 22-26. I am not working until they are all in kindergarten and I’ll be part time until they are adults. Thank you so much for making me feel validated ❤ I always find it so weird that people act like a made some crazy uncouth choice because I prioritize being a mom
I am 33 now. No husband or kids. No one in my life told me that it was an option to have kids and build a career later. It was always sold to me if I didn’t have my career established by 24 my life was over.
I'm going through the opposite right now. My kids are 8 and 10, been home exclusively for 10 years (no side hustle) and definitely craving extra money and a change of scenery. I thrived when my kids were younger, but being home with older kids is just vastly different.
Suzanne mostly focuses on staying at home in the earlier years of your children’s life. As they get older, you can gain some part-time work!
For sure. It's just difficult to find something truly part-time, flexible around school schedule and find an employer who will not discriminate against your unemployment gap.
@@Haley_Wozniaklie! That's what everyone does. Make some fake jobs up and know your own strengths and you'll find something! Part time work for customer service is always popular around the holidays and then they'll hire you in the off season.
I’ve been making about 200k-300k a year selling vintage clothes on Poshmark since my first son was born. It’s different and definitely a unique situation but it helped when my husband started his business…and didn’t make a single penny for 2 years!!! Yes I definitely have an eye for it and I studied a lot of vintage fashion and I was always obsessed with it…idk. It worked out. Definitely was exhausting for some time but I did it while kids slept!! When my three kids got older I did that very much on the back burner and started writing books (what I went to school for). It fucked with my head to put my writing career on the back burner for almost a decade…but boy was it worth it! And now that the kids are older I’m in the same boat as you, so I’m glad I have writing while they’re in their “homeschool” alternative school
Have you had issues with people judging your "gap". Most places I've been to see my role in the home as another job and they don't discriminate.
Thank you for having this conversation! I had a completely different mindset in my 20s. It wasn't till I was older that I realized that men and women not equal but equally valuable in their own beautiful ways. I try and spread this message to younger women as much as I can. I needs to be discussed! As Ellen mentioned, I don't think any career will be as fulfilling as raising children.
Thank you, Ellen! This is the best, most important conversation! I am a stay at home mom, 30 years old and so glad, for your content. I would 100% support you stepping back. I have been there from video one and would always come back. Much love
I disagree about not pursuing a man. I know so many women who met great husbands who were shy. I asked my husband out because I knew he was too shy to ask me out. We are happily together for 32 years and married 28 years. So many great men are introverts. Now I’m not suggesting continuing to pursue a man when he is not reciprocating your interest. Being direct and approaching a shy man and telling him you like him is likely to be a relief if you are also getting signals that he’s interested.
Omg getting fired up and we're only in the INTRO!!! THIS IS WHY WE LEFT CANADA...and are searching for home... in South East Asia... so hubby can be home... find purpose in providing rather than paying the bills so we survive...and for me (mama) to be able to continue to inspire and educate the next generation... while feeling apart of who I am and created to be... thanks for sharing... feel like I'll take a long time to finish this episode
This is my first time coming across your podcast! I loved this discussion. I am a medical physicist (physician scientist basically) and I have plans to retire super early and be a married mama🫶🏽 i absolutely love my career. I think it’s the best in the medical field but I also want to be a mom! Now that I’ve accomplished this goal, I want to move on to others. I’ll live off of passive income brought in by my husband. This is why it’s so important for me to marry a man who desires to set his wife and family up for life.
You want a man who is both able and willing to support a whole family well-by bringing in passive income?
Good luck finding one of those unicorns! Most men aren’t that guy, don’t want to be that guy, and (fairly or not) resent women who are looking for that guy and call them “gold diggers”.
I hope if you don’t find exactly who you want after a few years of trying, you’ll be open to adjusting your expectations a little-and preparing to bring in part of the household income!
Otherwise you’ll be one of those women the manosphere podcasts make fun of-“she held out for a top 10% man or nothing, and now she’s still alone at 40”.
A physicist healer- you are one in a million
Ellen is so energized and vulnerable in this. I appreciate you asking your own questions Ellen 💗
The traditional roles system of a family isn’t 50’s America, sorry to break it to you.
The traditional family system is the so called clan, where everyone (including the men), work for the family, within the home, and several generations live together, helping raising the small children. The family itself and the home/homestead is treated like a “company”. The man doesn’t go off slaving away for others, being exposed to temptations in the process, thus endangering the safety of the family.
The alienating system, where the woman is completely on her own all day, her kids her only company, is terrible for most women and one of the reasons many choose to work as well.
Acknowledging women need time for themselves and even space for creativity and personal pursuits isn’t feminism, but pure kindness.
This is coming from a stahm, with a husband who works from home and is an active part of my children’s life and upbringing. I have time for hobbies and art and I wouldn’t be a functioning mother had that missed and my life consisted solely on serving others.
It’s wonderful if you can be pleased only with that, but keep in mind that if you’re not, there’s nothing wrong with you.
The discussion about finding a man who you can trust with your wellbeing and that of your children is a whole other thing that needs to be touched on as well.
I'm 38 and just don't want kids. I just thought a lot of people were the same as me. When this convo started happening a few years ago I really searched myself because I really wanted to be sure, and lo, I just don't want kids. (I DO want to be in a stable monogamous relationship, and I am.) I'm distressed to know so many people were misled away from what their hearts really wanted.
Hey! That’s absolutely fine. There are always many exceptions and If this is what you want, then you’ve made the right decision. Not every woman wants to be a mother
Really interesting! I agree with her with a caveat.
I am married with kids…..and a career.
I took much time off and then very part time, now my kids are school age.
I found not working actually depressing.
Part time was the best balance for me. I do not like not working, I like it best when everything is balanced.
Same here, I feel like these conversations always go to the extreme. Not all of us want to stay home or work full time, and working part time is a good balance for my family personally.
@ Definitely. They never take into account that people are different and that is actually ok.
@annie_sherbet91 I think flexibility is key. I love that I work 2 12s a week and my husband watches our son the days that I work, and they have a great bond too. I could always work more if I want, and occasionally I do for extra money. I'm also the benefits provider for us 3 and I can't imagine putting the entire burden of finances on my husband.
Depressing bc of how you valued yourself?
@ No. I just don’t like to stay home. Even when I’m at home I’m always trying to go out. It’s really that simple. People are allowed to have different personalities you know. The same thing doesn’t interest us all, even if we are all women.
Your value comes from your identity in Christ, it’s irrelevant whether you stay home or not in that respect.
Ellen - thank you for your vulnerability here, and thank you for bringing such an important subject to light. As someone who has been watching you videos since Elvis was little I just want to reassure you that however big of a step you decide to take back from your online work, you will still be so supported. We'll be here when/if you decide to come back. Like you said, you'll never get these years back, and your calling as a mother is literally God given, so prioritising it makes sense. Praying for wisdom and clarity as you make this decision.
Loved this conversation! I have been listening to Suzanne Venker's podcast the last several months and I am in a very similar boat as you Ellen. I have worked for the last 10 years in mobile prosthetics, a very rewarding and fulfilling career, but also a taxing and stressful one at times. We also just started our homeschool journey with our 3 kids (6, 4, and 2 yrs old). Right now I am on the road 3 times a week. For those days they are with my husband, their dad, and he takes care of house stuff and homeschooling stuff on those days. It's a great situation, but I still feel that struggle and the tug-pull you were talking about. I recently made the decision to work the rest of the year and then transition to being home full time with the kids. It has been a difficult decision and enjoyed listening to this conversation.
I love your perspective. Lots of women in the comments don’t realize that some women do have similar circumstances and want to hear the other options. This doesn’t have to relate to everyone. I like it and it relates me. Thank you.
Absolutely loved this discussion. I love how neither of you offered any judgement, just simply talked about the alternates to what is considered the "norm".
Ellen you're being so brave and heart led to take steps back! Thank you for your vulnerability here.
This conversation resonated with me so much! Im a mom and wife with a 3 year old and 11 month old and I just was able to drop from working full time to part time. I’ve been drowning in guilt from not being there for my kids, being too tired to give my husband any attention, and then being so stressed out that I’m not doing a good job at work. Spread too thin is so accurate.
I just wanted to say that this conversation completely spoke to me and is my current struggle. Only have one baby and am working from home whilst my man works fulltime but it’s still hard and the guilt kicks in allll the time.
But I am grateful that I live this life instead of this single life full of partying and empty things
59:00 Convincing families to send their children to a facility to be taken care of by (mostly) other women who are also likely sending their own children to a facility to do the same thing, all while hardly affording the 'care' they're paying for and giving at the same time. Then they feel this emptiness. People are raising each others babies. A truly messed up cycle that I realized while working in daycare.
I think Ellen’s experience is so unique. To be in the era of TH-cam exploding in popularity must have been a hard thing to handle. But she made the income for her family to have an amazing life and priorities her family now. What a great mama.
I’ve felt this so much over the last few years. My kids are 13, 11.5, 8 and 1.5. I homeschool them and was working as a hairstylist for 16+ years. I worked full time and gradually cut hours back as I was having kids to finally only working about 9-10 hours per week, after my husband was home. Everyone said it’s the best of both worlds, and I tried to believe that too, but I started crying the last year or so, knowing my heart needed to be home fulltime. I brought in our grocery money for the month basically but we have made adjustments and I am still open to doing haircuts on the side, but when I’m available. I’m not cooking meals at 3:30pm and rushing off to work, missing family dinners each night. Everything just feels right. ❤❤ and no, it’s not for everyone, but it was 100% for us 😊
I love the subjects you're choosing to discuss SO MUCH! It's brave so speak on and your guests are fascinating
im so glad, thank you so much for this encouragement!
Yes!!!! My 6th child is due in 5 weeks and I believe that actually being there to raise your children, helping them deal with their days to day problems, helping them learning, nurturing them etc. is a rites of passage….humility, patience, slowing down….all of this came about for me, through motherhood/staying at home with my children….and I’ve never felt more grounded and purposeful….not only as a mom but as a woman in general.
I had my baby in 2020, so peak covid gave me the perfect time to switch up my career and figure out a part time job to do from home, which was NOT going to be possible with the way i had my life set up before. I wish we were all told it’s okay to pick a job that’s flexible for those of us wanting to be very present mamas. Loveeee this!
I love this conversation! Thank you for encouraging moms to value their families! I’ve been home and homeschooling most of my 24 year marriage and cherish all those years with my kids! Two more years and our last will graduate. My husband loves having me home and we have great relationships with our kids.
I love this. I kind of bought this lie and did a ton of adventuring before getting married and having kids. Because of that I didn’t get married until 30 and now have two kids at 33. I wish I had started on family life sooner because it is so much better than all the travel and adventure I did.
Yes! People make you fear it to the point that you’re terrified of ‘losing’ all of this life. But it’s when real life actually begins, and you stop running ❤🎉
My goodness, this spoke to me on so many levels. Thank you both for your valuable words! Currently at home with my two babies and on the fence about so many things you guys discussed but feeling that bodily reaction of a strong gut feeling!! This has been a big encouragement for me.
My only problem is pushing this rhetoric on ALL women. Sorry, but there always have been and always will be women whose hearts are set on goals outside of family. The reason Marie Curie and Margaret Thatcher were able to have families and successful high-powered careers was because they found compatible husbands. I think the idea that women must lay down their lives to have a family must end, first and foremost. I know women personally who quit their jobs to raise kids and regretted it after 10-20 years or even sooner, with or without getting divorced. Women should be allowed to live full lives and not be told to sacrifice family for their dreams or their dreams for their family. Either one of these leads to a miserable existence for all but a handful of women who are happy with one or the other.
Listen to Erica Komisar. She discusses this also except she states not working/part time work during the first 3 years of your child's life is ideal. I agree not all women can stay home.
For me, I can honestly tell you that I wanted a stable career and to be financially set because of my childhood. I worked so much to a point that I didn’t even realize that the reason that I didn’t want kids is because I was scared to repeat my childhood. Now that I have healed and from time to time, I’ll take breaks from social media to make sure I am forming my own thoughts, and of course listening to wise counsel from other people that think different from me I realize that I actually do want to have children. I actually do want to settle down to be married. I actually do want to be at a point to where I can take my time and be more present With doing more soft nurturing things and I was quite shocked that I naturally wanted to do these things. My mom is even shocked now that I talk about kids and I don’t think she believes that I can be a mom but it’s not what she believes. It’s what I know I had to help. Praise my sister at a young age and that was really traumatic for me because I didn’t really get to have a childhood because I had so much responsibility But nonetheless everything happens for a reason and I look at the positive and I learned how to be very responsible and I never forgot those things and they have helped me in my later years. So even though it’s scary right now once I’m over the fear, I look forward to getting married and having children and possibly staying at home and cooking for my family. I know this was long. I’m using the voice text but yeah.
People need to understand, being a mom won’t be fulfilling for every woman. Some will be fulfilled with kids only , others kids & work , others work only. In all cases , these set of women can all have kids but will require a specific type of partner & the structure of their home will each be different
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You can set yourself up for a full filling life by dating and marrying right. And being a mother doesn't mean doing nothing for yourself. It is absolutely possible to work while being a stay at home mom although not always most conducive for being a relaxed mom but definitely have done the whole working from home around my kids work schedules. You can have hobbies and/or your own business. But most women, with support and understanding the value of being home with her kids, will feel fulfilled. I think the main reason women don't feel fullfilled as a SAHM is due to society constantly telling women that they need to do more to be enough, that they SHOULD want to do more. That JUST watching kids isn't enough... When it absolutely is enough.
That is why not everyone should have kids.
You're right. But, 90% of women regret not having kids. Nowadays we are creating a society where we are forcing women to find meaning in a work-focused life first, and try to have a baby later, when they are less fertile.
@@fobosydeimos90% of women do not regret having kids and we aren’t even allowed to talk about the women who do regret having them.
My kids are in school now, and I'm still at home- taking care of our home, managing our family's schedules, and working on writing a book. I love being at home because it's helped me prioritize what's most important to me and our family! Being at home has given me so much freedom! But yes, we live on a small income, and live in a small home, but we have a great backyard for the kids to play in!
Women should always maintain an independent source of income. If divorce ever happens, the person in the relationship with the most money will “win.” I would never fully stay home and not make my own money.
Or just have a written agreement about how the non income person will be taken care of if divorce happens.
If we are going to talk about nature, as much as women have the biological drive to nest, men have the biological drive to have to want to sleep with young hot women. These two realities co-exist. Infidelity is the one of leading causes of divorce. Women need be realistic and have a source of income.
Why have kids if you feel that strongly about your spouse?
Imagine telling your husband you'll go into marriage thinking, almost expecting it'll end. Great wife!
@@Lolee56 exactly!
Luckily my husband as the oldest, had a working mom until he was in high school. He saw the difference in his mom when she stayed home and also how his brothers benefited from her being home. He’s always been very focused and solid on me staying home with our sons
No one is ever “just a mom”. It’s so much more.
Solely a Mum?
I teared up so many times on this episode. Glad I came up on this.. excellent points and amazing guest ❤ thank you for this!!!! Totally subbed and looking forward to more episodes :)
This is such a refreshing message in this current world we’re in❤️
I'm a woman in my 30s with 2 kids, I always thought I'd like to be a stay at home mum but surprised to find its not for me.
I love my kids, but without a village, I have to care for them 24/7, I am drained and can never my best self with them.
I am however lucky to be in a country with 6 months paid parental leave, and many amazing daycares. My work gives me enough time away to refresh and get enough adult interaction to feel human enough to want to be with them.
Both my kids love going to daycare and have an amazing time. Some of the teachers who tended my eldest are now tending to my youngest.
I'm all for mums having the choice to stay home. But it's not one size fits all.
I was out to dinner with a friend of mine and her friend, who was 30 weeks pregnant with her first. The three of us talked about jobs, hobbies, relationships - all the things. Of course, at some point, I asked her what she planned to do after baby was born. She runs a music studio and loves her job. She told me she would just wait a couple months and then go back to work full time and put the baby in daycare, or get a nanny. I said, "I dunno; I have a feeling you'll probably want to stay home with your baby much, much longer than that. Maybe consider cutting back to part time for at least the first year?" Both she and my friend (who has no children) looked at me like I was crazy. The brainwashing is real, sadly.
Good job for you !! shows how clueless they are lol maybe find new friends lol 😂 who share your same value cause when your a mom you’re really going to need it.
Absolutely heartbreaking when they choose work/money over close contact with their own babies. No wonder when her kids put the elderly in care homes and never visit them
Aw this makes me so sad. There’s such little understand about it how a women’s natural instinct kicks in once you have a baby. We watch the cutsie videos of the mama bears and dogs protecting their babies…we’re no different!
A la que le lavaron el cerebro es a usted 🤦🏻♀️ no todas las mujeres son iguales!!! MADURE y entienda que porque una quiera quedarse con los hijos en la casa no quiere decir que todas deban quererlo!!
So you believe that because someone disagrees with you, they are brainwashed? I think everyone feels and thinks different. I completely respect your friends opinion and yours as well. I would never say either of you is brainwashed because I think you should feel differently.
Ellen, what an amazing episode! Thank you so much for inviting Suzanne. This episode confirmed everything I knew deep down in my heart. I have been keeping my little ones at home, I do not have relatives around so I mostly do everything by myself and my husband helps when he is back from a long day of work. It is very challenging and not the easy way out (but is there really an easy way out? Daycare is NOT an easy way out!) but I KNOW this is the RIGHT choice. Mothers were made for this!
Also Ellen, you are a fabulous mother, a strong woman and I think the best think you can do in this season of your life is just be fully involved in your role as a mother. You have built a significant audience over the years and it won't fade away. Sure, maybe some will leave because they are addicted to new new new content all the time, but whatever! You do have true fans and people will stick around no matter what. We appreciate YOU! Not the numbers of new uploads.
At the end of the day, all that matters is your precious family. God gave you these precious children and you need to take care of them. They will become wonderful adults I believe. They are so blessed to have you as a mom.
Thank you for being such a great inspiration and role model!
God bless you and your family 🙏🏼
I was looking for a comment that called some of this out but I couldn't find one so I guess this will be that comment.
I want to say that using the words "brainwashed", "propaganda" and "lies" is not a productive way to talk about themes of motherhood or womanhood. These are conservative dog whistles that discourage discussion. Ellen and Suzanne both acknowledge themselves that there is nuance and the pendulum shouldn't swing so strongly but these terms imply there is a right and wrong mindset. What they mean is "conditioned" and "messaging" and you can be conditioned and receive messaging from both right and left ideologies depending on your upbringing- or TH-cam algorithm.
I was in general agreement with a fair amount of what Ellen and Suzanne discussed but it was a red flag when they said it was “the feminists" who stopped research about daycare being published. Feminists are not benefiting from poor quality childcare, capitalists are, and it's capitalism that has resulted in a system where most families need dual income to survive.
The reason that working outside of the home appears superior to childrearing is that it is paid. It is that simple. Whilst it's fine to say "live off less" the reality is that you cannot live off nothing. Yes there is something to be said about a culture of always wanting more, but there's also something to be said of a society where almost a whole of one persons salary goes on their rent. The message they are provoking would be powerful if its call to action would be to call out these oppressing systems that force new mothers to return to work before they have healed, that force men to work for 60 hours to support one wife and child, that deny parents family friendly provisions or that normalise 38 hour weeks and 20 days holiday when children are only educated for 30 hours a week and are off school for 3 months.
Putting the focus on the woman- “why does it make you uncomfortable if I say there's gender roles?"- rather than asking "why are you chill with the fact you have to pay for health care?" perpetrates the idea that it's our attitudes that need to change rather than the structures that uphold systemic inequalities.
If you believe it is best for you as a mother to stay home and care for your children and have your labour appreciated and acknowledged, then you better believe it for all mothers- otherwise the role of mothering is not truly valued. In the same way that intersectional feminism recognises that women cannot be free until they are all free- motherhood cannot be truly valued and upheld until all motherhood is valued and upheld- not just white middle class motherhood. If an entrepreneur should be able to work around her children, so should a lawyer, or a cleaner. You should not have to accept that there are jobs that discourage parenting and therefore avoid those jobs- because shockingly it is those jobs that hold the most power, such as a lawyer. The catch 22 is that you will not help reproductive labour be attributed greater value in society by individually retreating into the home. Both Ellen and Suzanne are attempting to platform this discussion by working, which they themselves openly admit.
It’s also important to be aware of the ideological pipelines these discussions can take us down when they are only lead by different sides of the same coin (white middle class christian women). You may agree that it is a struggle to work and care for children, you may agree that you want to stay at home more, this can lead to consuming more material by women who “critique” modern womanhood, which might lead to believing that truly being a mother is the most important role you can have, and to believing it is in fact the most important role any women should have. You might hear about more women who want to stay at home and begin thinking that all women probably want to stay at home, this might result in you believing some rights are hindering rather than helping women reach their full potential, and you might begin thinking that your personal ideology of having children and staying at home should be applied to or enforced, on every woman. Suzanne’s aunt, who she co-authored a book with, was Phyllis Schlafly- a well known conservative activist who opposed feminism, gay rights and abortion, and campaigned against the ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment to the constitution. This is not to paint Suzanne with the same brush but it is to be aware of where your messaging is coming from.
Any discourse around reproductive labour, outside of academia, is almost always lead by white evangelical woman. This stagnates how we discuss this topic because it often comes down to these individuals views on faith and the “Gods” ideal family. This is detrimental because reproductive labour is not just about the white women who stay at home to raise free range children in linen. Reproductive labour is the only type of labour that is absolutely essential for survival. If all other systems failed tomorrow- industry, agricultural, communications- the only thing that would keep the human race alive would be the act of care. Capitalism attempts to erode the act of care by turning it into a service- which is why it has become the norm to pay someone to look after your child rather than do it yourself, and it should be challenged, however when the narratives all hold religious undertones, it is hard for others who are not religious to get behind.
One of the main ways to show people that child rearing is valued beyond all the empty words, is by using public money to value it. Paid parental leave, subsidised good quality childcare for those who need it, free health care and reproductive rights protection. All of these increase the value attributed to majority female activities (making, birthing and raising a child). It makes you feel more valued and respected and sends a message that having and caring for children is a notable and worthwhile route in life that is supported by the state.
The podcast discussion is obviously America centred but it's crucial to understand that other ways of living exist. In Scandinavia you receive full to 80% pay whilst on parental leave- which lasts 15 months. Childcare is subsidised and an incredibly high standard with usually 1 teacher to 3 children, small class sizes and regular access to nature. Parents are entitled to work only 80% until their child turns 8. This isn't a utopian, it is an actual reality (the result of feminism ideology which saw the value of childrearing) and it is actually possible. It shouldn't be dismissed as "lucky them", it should be an active striving for for societies that do not have this infrastructure yet.
Finally someone with my opinion! Are we the only ones??
I subscribe all your words. Thank you.
Well said. The fact that our societal structure doesn't support families seems to be invisible to Suzanne. She blames the person instead of the system. Conservatives almost never want to vote for programs that help families in spite of them working in Scandinavian countries.
Very well thought out response. Agree with much or what was said.
Agreed.
@@lorrilewis2178Scandinavian countries are inhabited by Scandinavians. It can't work in a multiracial society like America.
I love Suzanne! I’m a SAHM to a 2.5yr old and another on the way ❤ My husband works long hours but he’s so supportive. We were high school sweethearts so its not like we had these in conversations when we were dating lol. As our son was born I just communicated with him what I wanted and our son was a Velcro baby so he understood and he felt the same as well that he didn’t want to put our baby in daycare. He’s one of those rare men whose not brainwashed. He knows how hard I work at home and tells me often how much he appreciates everything I do. I think that’s the biggest obstacle for women who want to stay home - because eventually like Suzanne said, once you accept what you want to do you can find a new door for plan B, whether that’s cutting back at work or whatever the solution is....but if your husband doesn’t understand the contribution at home or is unsupportive - then that’s a hard hill to claim for sure.
I see the truth in this conversation regarding the nature of women, yet I think that it's a bit privileged and utupian in terms of how the reality of the world is. Not eveyrone is guaranteed to meet a good man to marry, has the economical means to stay at home or work part-time, and life in general is quite unpredictable. We can't control much- though I agree about the indoctrination part of motherhood being inferior to one's career.
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I loved this episode soooo much. It felt casual and warm, like two friends catching up and going on a deep dive💛💛
Love Suzanne Venker and how she has a heart for all women and PRIORITIZES CHILDREN!
As a man I support this 100% as long as woman brings a dowry.