LOVE SEEING A BOOMER GETTING INTERVIEWED. It feels like everyone on youtube is 30 or younger. We desperately need older people to share their wisdom and experience with us. (If you're a baby boomer or Gen X - consider doing this!)
@@GabrielleTollerson They are not all abusers. My dad is a good man. My husband is a good man. My nephews are all good men. My neighbor is a good man. If you only know bad men you need to choose better. We are all sick of hearing that picker broken joke and then being expected to pick up the pieces of your messy life. Choose better.
What I don’t understand is why women always seem to be the ones who have to adjust, learn, and hold space. I got a lot to learn I know. I’m still glad this popped on my for you page.
I'm thinking the same... they barely have such podcasts or get together to try understand us... which I think becomes an imbalance cause now we know them better nd do things to make them better but we are longing to also be heard nd loved n understood. Let me carry on watching
because men do not care about relationships as we women do men can be content with 3min sex, basic food and living in a wall-less shack in the jungle, we can't
Women are not the ones who always need to change. But if in your life you have often been told that you need to learn and change, maybe you do and your loved ones are trying to keep a relationship with you. I have never seen men be as unaccountable as us women, we are so good at pretending we are not the problem when we absolutely are. Best of luck to you, I got married at 20 and still happy with him at 40 I just wish the rest of you had happy lives too.
Before finishing the episode, the first tidbit I got was letting men just talk without interruption so I did that for a day, and got a 3-hr deep dive into my crush’s past dating and personal history FROM HIM. This was the most personal I ever got in the 5+ months of knowing him 😭 his mental box system is so sufficient i never would have expected him to open up about any of it. He’s such a masculine man
It's as simple as acknowledging and praising what you want more of:) I decided to write a note of appreciation every day to my husband it transformed my own heart. There truly is so much that goes unnoticed and when you bring it into the light, it invites more! We both aren't the same people anymore and our marriage is a millions times better! Don't overlook the gift of appreciation. It will be a gift that comes back to you! It basically moves the energy cycle going in the positive direction.
Acknowledging and praising what I want more of it what I used to do when I worked in a kindergarten class. I expect more from a partner in an adult relationship.
In my opinion, appreciation never loses its value as we age:) Its truly every bit as much as a gift to yourself as it unveils what was there all along, but too blinded by victimhood, self- righteousness and pride to see. That doesn't mean everything is perfect, but we all have warped perspectives that blind us to reality. In my experience, seeing and acknowledging the good, was for more effective than demanding or even silent resentment. Now my husband WANTS to do things he knows means something to me. Its such a simple and powerful thing that's actually really not that complicated. And what do you have to lose to try it other than your pride? Jordan Peterson has some interesting videos on just how powerful the littlest bit of appreciation is and how starved people are for it these days.
I find this works in all areas of life and it’s super valuable. If you praise people for doing a good job or point out the parts of the task that you like they will continue to do it. I’m very validation seeking and I am hurt by critique. Both have their place of course. But I find myself more wired for doing a good job to earn accolades.
It’s funny my husband always interrupts me when we are having a conversation. He talks a lot. I’m the listener. So it gets frustrating when I’m trying to say something. We are working on it, when i bring it up. He always apologizes. ❤ we are a work in progress.
He interrupts you because he does not respect you. People who interrupt are showing you contempt and disdain for you. Apologies don't mean anything if he keeps doing it that means he has a pattern of disrespecting you. He's probably a misogynist. He says sorry then does it again. Sorry is just the lube he uses to psychologically keep r@ping your dignity and self worth. Do you understand?
he's in the feminine and you're in the masculine if this reverse polarization goes too far it can be dangerous for the relationship check out John Gray
@@NgG-g2n Or he is ND and she is NT. We have no idea, she told us two sentences about their marriage. People getting diagnosed in comment sections is ruining the world.
With all men. Men have a "relantionship" with aggression. They will do sth to you if you cant set boudaries, they dont like to restrict themselves but they will thank you if you cut their instincts off by telling no. Men need the law, they need a negative answer
Correct. Rather all men are wired to be a predator, usually one that is intent on destroying young girls. Which is the entire point of Instagram and OF’s.
I think the comments section is taking the entire context of this conversation out of proportion. If we do not consider a mans feelings, do not treat him with kindness. How can we expect the same in return longterm ?? This woman is talking about hard facts from years of research. No one is saying to centre men and let women roam/sacrifice for them no but at least take the time to understand the science of why men & women are differant and how to bridge the gap in between.
How'd they do it before the research. Feminism has made everything complicated. But yet...it's not complicated in the beginning of a relationship? Why? What changes? Why do women file majority of divorces?
@@wLBlue It could be argued that men go along to get along,eventualy having his spirit broken, then "hes not the same man he was when i married him" Fault lies both with the man for not being a man, and with the woman for "feeling" the need to change him. Also the lesbian statistics re divorce states the same reasons as hetro relationships, and is approx 10% higher.
We have to just love where we are and Who We Are... and then we can only energetically attract the same frequency that we are❤ no one has to offer us anything just because we did it for them. That's the illusion we were all fed, expecting reciprocity. We don't have to offer what someone else offers us either, unless we are checking in with our true authentic selves first ❤When we have no expectation, we allow space for a much more wonderful things to come in
@@wLBluebecause men don’t listen to the needs of the woman in the long run. They love bomb women in the beginning, which makes her believe he is a good man in the long run, but then over the years he doesn’t show effort, can’t communicate during conflicts and thinks he can do whatever he wants without accountability. So the woman has to end it .
I'm going to have to watch and rewatch and glean from this. I'm at the 11:48 mark rn. My mother was a narcissist and she had her final stroke in November 2020. My partner Ron let me cry and weep and grieve. Then one day in March 2021 I was sobbing again and he just looked at me and said, "why are you grieving so hard someone who hurt you so badly. It's time to stop". All my gfs were like, "gasp, he's so cruuuuuel". But it wasn't cruel at all. He loved me and saw my worth and wanted to protect me from me. The victim who had been brainwashed to be the bad guy. He died September 25th 2021 and I'm so glad he was my protector while he was mine. I'm so glad I spoiled him and let him love me in all kinds of "little" ways, because now those are the memories I cling to. Men are so good and they are so undervalued. God bless you
Alison Armstrong changed my life. She is the key to living in harmony and balance within masculine and feminine relationships... Her work is revolutionizing, it may seem overly simplistic, but the truth is simple, the path is simple... Sometimes we over complicated things, Alison is here to save us all from creating more separation and distance between sexes.
Simple ,always has been.Women overthink things with little to know application of singular contex. (except the context they arrive at by default.) Men are more focused. Women hyperventilate on platitudes.
All humans have emotions Men and woman both have a right and left side of the brain Both men and woman use there left and right side of the brain- Men tend to use there left brain more and woman there right especially in heightened emotional situations.. until emotional healing and maturity grows and develops. Both men and women have "feminine and masculine " energy. masculine energy is linked to the left side of the brain, analytical, facts, problem solving, ect ect and the feminine linked to the right , creativity, intuition, feeling and emotions . Woman can switch between the right and left more easily then men ... bottom line we all can be the best version of ourselves by simply understanding that life is just one big experience..don't be so hard on yourself, love yourself and others ❤️
Wow....women are focused on well being, men on providing. The explains so much. It should be obvious but ive never thought of it this way. Every time i get emotional im expecting him to hold and comfort me but he's trying to figure out why im crying and solve the "problem". Its so sweet to see he's trying to protect me from the threat (in this case, tears or whatever caused me to cry) and i had a hard time seeing it because im focused on well being (his presence, seeking comfort, encouragement etc).
I feel that if he was truly wanting to protect, he would give what you need-space to express, feel, and to be acknowledged…what I notice is that they try to “fix” and “resolve” in order to end the emotions and discomfort of seeing you hurting. It is actually for Him and his comfort
@RationalNon-conformist right but for my husband, feelings don't matter as much as facts and reality. And honestly I think that can be helpful because I can get carried away in my feelings and he's better at keeping to the point. Yes, holding space for my emotions are important, but in debates or big decisions or something it's helpful my husband doesn't get all tired up in the emotions and that he can see through it
@@HerWanderlust in a way this is true, but it makes me uncomfortable because I care about her. If it was entirely selfish, I would just walk away. I have that tendency to try to fix problems bc when I'm down for a reason, I don't just let myself feel down, I work to remove whatever is causing me to be down. I think sometimes women aren't down for a particular reason, or maybe can't pinpoint it (and would rather be comforted back to happiness than try to pinpoint it), whereas I am almost never down without good reason, and if that reason is hard to pinpoint, the first thing I'm trying to do is pinpoint it so it can be resolved. It's using the methods I know rather than the ones she would prefer, which I'll admit may not be the best thing to do, but that's something to work on.
I feel triggered listening to this. I feel like we women always have to be the ones doing the effort even to understand and tolerate men's behaviour. We have the weight of society on our backs, we need to care for everything, think about everything, work, home, kids, groceries, clothes, men. Imagine our "natural" characteristics: being super conscious and aware of everything, and now put us in the society we have (which was mostly created and maintained this way by men) and realise how we are going to burn out quick. On top of that we still need to be the ones trying to be better, studying podcasts and books, therapy, about relationships, parenting, etc. Of course we expect reciprocity because WE NEED to share the load we have on our backs with someone. Of course I feel frustrated. 😅 I'm sorry about my rant, still found the podcast interesting and I was honestly surprised by how triggered I felt. It shows I have to work more on myself 🥵😅
I understand your frustration. The thing is though, the women want to be even more aware! And so they listen to podcasts like this so that they can understand more of what is going on. I think the best way to take these kinds of podcasts is to realize that both men and women can learn from each other. We can learn from men's focus, both with how they work and how they relax. Men can learn from us how to be more aware of what is going on around them. It shouldn't be an "I do this, you do that." It should be, we both work in different ways , "let's figure out how to work together and learn about each other."
I think maybe you should take a look at the other side and realize what men are worrying about too. They worry about the same things we do, just in different ways.
@@marishapeters1647 yes absolutely. I am sure they worry too. 🙏 I genuinely feel like we live in such different realities sometimes. And I know for a fact that the way I perceive reality seems aburd to my partner, just as much as I feel the same about his perception of reality too sometimes. I am sure the way I felt about this podcast will open a new door for mutual understanding. 😊
I agree with you but I don’t see an alternative. I think of it as part of our job in this earth 😊 if I could give you any advice it would be to find a partner that appreciates your soft skills and dedication to your growth and feels curious about podcasts or books you recommend. In other words make it part of your value and not as a burden. Hope this helps 💜
I read this book a month ago or so.. literally saw the video and clicked.. soooo fast. I totally realized that we view men so wrong.. Must read for all women.
Yeah also my wife started reading “men are from mars, women are from venus”. I think a lot of women in the comments frustrated because it feels like they’re the ones putting all the work into understanding romantic relationships. Trust me, in my algorithm I am constantly recommended videos on how to be a better husband, what women want, how to understand women, all that stuff. So there are a lot of men trying to understand how women think as well. At risk of pissing women off..I’ve seen comments saying “we’re the ones working on communicating and they don’t even try” yeah but I see a lot of women who don’t try to understand men, they try to make men think like women. Men are NOT defective women, men genuinely think differently from women. We value different things. For example, I didn’t realize how big of a deal my tone was when I argue with my wife. I wouldn’t even really pay attention to my tone, I was so fixated on saying precisely what I thought/felt. But lo and behold, if I spoke gently and with love, she would accept practically anything I told her. I didn’t realize that my tone, if it got too harsh, made her feel resistant to me and unloved. So just one example of how the different sexes think differently and value different things. Men and women need to learn to communicate how their partner of the opposite gender will best receive it
Such a valuable video! I don’t often promote books, but the book women’s magic truths on borlest is an exception. It’s packed with insights on wealth and self-care that are not widely known. All the best to everyone
But it’s that a good thing? Like genuinely think about it……think about why you’re having to have self mastery? It’s like having to have patience for a child but instead of a child it’s a full grown man.
@@Babbie.dyes working on yourself is a good thing lmao Being patient is a loving quality to have, people who are impatient have a lot to learn in life
@@Babbie.dwhy so negative? Do you not think that as a man learns more about women (aka other people) they would realize how much they need to learn about themselves, and need to improve in some way?
I found the part about “withholding appreciation” from men to be interesting! I don’t think it’s something I realized I was doing lol it’s like if my partner isn’t appreciating or even acknowledging my constant work around the house….why would I congratulate him for doing one singular task while I’m doing 50 💀😭 that’s a tough one for me!
When I’m asked if I noticed something he had done I say “yes, did you notice all those clean underwear in your drawer?” 😂. I don’t need a big thank you or acknowledge for doing the everyday things and I guess I find it weird that he does. But I’ll be a little more appreciative now :)
Maybe if you actually try to appreciate your man, then maybe you would see a difference in him. They have different needs than us, and maybe his needs aren’t being met! Expecting someone else to be exactly like you, and need the exact same things as you is not a great way to go about a relationship.
Comments by people who have read the book and those that haven't are so different. Read the book, then comment. As a man ive read it 3 times and loved it and learnt so much. The book is so valuable for men and women alike. All Alison's work is so beneficial for both genders and i recommend it to all men and women. Its epic stuff
I tried listening the way she said, and I have had days of praise from my husband. Just read and devoured the book in the last two days. I feel like this has been what I've been looking for.
I stopped the podcast half way through, got the audio book, read the whole thing in two days and now I’m back to finish watching 😂 (it was really good)
14:16 "There are people in your life that when you get to be with them, you're a different person. You have more capacities on the other side of having spent that time with them. And if you don't get to be with them for a while--there's a part of me that is filled up by that person and I'm not entirely myself." 😌
What Alison calls 'puttering,' my husband calls the 'bumblebee approach.' A prime example is going shopping. A female, aka me, uses the bumblebee approach (which drives him crazy) by going in the store and going from one item to the next based on what attracted me on the way to what I went into the store for. Whereas a man, aka him, is focused on what he went into the store to get, purchases it, and leaves.
@@rachelmariasnow88 in the perception of us men, we are EXTREMELY "energy conscious" - for us, if the spenditure of energy employed into a certain task do not offer us a greater result than its cost, we don't do it.
@@Just...Peachysame. I can’t stand these old evolutionary psychology ways of justifying behaviors because a lot of men and women don’t fit into these molds. I can’t speak as to how different genders think though … because I’m only one gender :)
Omg this point at about 37 minutes. 😳😳😳 I always tell my husband to tell me when I have raccoon eyes... he says he will, but when I look in the mirror I have raccoon eyes - "hun why didn't you tell me I had raccoon eyes?" "I didn't see it" or "you look great!" 😂 this is so relatable!
It's so important to hear from our older generations WHO DIDN'T FAIL about love and relationships. Most people gen x and younger grew up with divorce as the norm. Modern love is so broken.
I watched this about 4 months ago. Just came across it again and want to say this has helped me communicate better with my teenage son. She's brilliant.
If only men put this much time, consideration and effort into learning how the women in their lives communicate. Seems to me yet another example of the emotion work women do to make their men and relationships function. I'll me looking for this lovely lady to be interviewed by male pod casters and interested to see how they respond to her message.
We do, but the only thing men can find, it took more then 20 years in my case to find anyone to say anything else, is that women are confusing and illogical and a waist of time to try to understand.
Partly, either you picked poorly or you're a handful to deal with. The other part is men aren't wired the same and the expectation that a man can completely match your emotional expectations, your social IQ/experience is unrealistic. Most of the men I know, they are actively looking out for their wives, caring for their wives, listening to their wives, sharing duties, improving themselves, reading/watching relationship advice. Is their relationship perfect still? No. I can most times know what my partner is thinking? What she wants to eat? etc. But we disagree on some things and it's OK. In fact, I'm more socially/EQ in-tuned than her. She shuts down like a dude sometimes when she's in a bad mood.
Agreed, I listened to the whole video and I felt the message was mostly “put up with and understand your husband because he does things his way” and not that it’s a two-way street on each level of the relationship. Not that everything she said was bad. But I couldn’t help but feel that if I were a woman in an unhappy relationship listening to this, I would be more inclined to put it all on “oh he’s a man I just have to deal with this” rather than “this is something we can work on together and I cannot be expected to carry the weight of the emotional work of the relationship myself” this only works if your husband takes an EQUAL interest in tending to your needs in the relationship just as much as you do his
@mellenix can you disagree without picking apart someone or with ad hominems? You seem like a person with very low tolerance for disagreement or different opinions. Consider that you may be talking to someone who has been brutalised by men
@@mellenix Some male czech coach said that its healthy if men and women have also their own world, their own space for friends and hobbies. that if she forces him to be constantly included in every hobby, in his world, his friendhsips, and everything then it can be toxic, because at the same time she is neglecting her world, her hobbies, her friends, talks to her friends less, does her favorite hobbies less often..... so at the same time she feels "he is too weak" because he starts to adjust all his favorite hobbies to please her and yet she is the one who is naging him to do it... So she gets frustrated, he gets furstrated, for neglecting his interests. You can be partners but it doesnt mean he has to control everything you do in spare time, every hobby, or investigate every girlfriend you meet at the same time you are not supposed to investigate all his hobbies, interests and friends to feel included. Because if one of the partners is controlling, it like both sit in the restaurant and she gets her "half" of table, but at the same time she wants to have his half of table. She should let him to have his half of table, and he should let her to have her half of table and enjoy the dinner. It should be common understanding that some hobbies you do together and some hobbies you do separatedly with your friends, and that it doesnt mean that if you are not included in everything that your world is cheap or his world is cheap.
I just subscribed, because this is one of a very few women's shows about men I've seen, that treats men with respect and doesn't blame, shame or belittle them. AND the info is great, too! Kudos.
I love that you said this. I know that when my content reaches the point where having a podcast makes sense I will be another female who speaks with respect and curiosity and amazement. Misplacing resentment and projecting it as fact is a toxic behaviour that comes from not properly processing emotions/needs and taking the responsibility to request and adjust engagement based on that reality, not just based on feelings.
ok, I agree that you need to tell them what you need. Yes you do that once, but if it gets ignored over and over then they are not capable of caring for you. And the more you try to ask for it, the more you feel helpless and frustrated. I think a caring man in nature will care for you without asking. If they don't, that is their nature.
I think that if a woman has to tell a man what she needs then it's game over. She needs to attract and elicit this behaviour from him. If she doesn't then she'll always be telling him and then give up. She does that by focusing and taking care of herself.
Oh, so it’s men who should protect us from OURSELVES!?!! Got it. Take a look at domestic violence statistics and get back to me about that “protection”
Why do we need protection from ourselves, are our own enemies now? It just seems like we get into relationships for projects really, kind of like build a bear. I need a complete man, not to say perfect, but complete.
Right.. why is it that most women including myself wake up go to work, clean the house on my days off, cook meals for us, wash his clothes, watch these type of podcasts to learn while he goes to work, then lies on the couch and plays Playstation games on his day off, where is his self awareness and how can i not jump to the conclusion he's superficial when all he displays is playing video games or watching tv when hes not at work..yet i have to show the appreciation????
Communicate that with him, set your boundaries, see how far he can go in doing chores. I'm a woman and I'm lazy, if someone else does these things (i.e. mom), I'd also want to watch TV all day after work. But if there is respect for my mom and also communication and if I care she is exhausted after work, I'll want to do the chores. The thing is chores don't seem like so much job when you are not doing them all, hence you don't appreciate someone doing them, it becomes invisible. But try being a team
I had a boyfriend like that and he was just not the right partner for me. Sometimes it's as simple as that. You cannot change someone but you are the one who is chosing to be with him. 😉
Just finished Queens code nearly cried! I'm 50 . I got so offended when a man wld say to me " I need you to be here at such & such a time . I d say your not at work now don't order me about" lol 😮😂. Seriously 35 yrs of frustration/disappointments in relating to men. Thank You Alison!! 🎉🎉❤ xxx God Bless you xxx
We act as if their Doing Nothing isn't important and they act like our Wanting to Connect With Them isn't important....WOW!! THAT INSIGHT ALONE could save the planet!! WHat a fab convo I was lucky enough to stumble upon. Thanks, Ladies. 🎉
Thankyou so much!!! Am going through a tough time with my partner of 24 yrs. We are best friends but often our communication just doesn’t hit the mark. We both feel unheard, unappreciated and upset. To be fair, we have both changed so much from how we were when we met. The interruption thing is big for him when I’m trying to get clarity from what he is saying. He then refocuses on my interruption and never finishes what he was saying and it snowballs and comms just breaks down. I will now be more aware of just listening completely and I am so getting this book!! Ive been scouring you tube for the right advice and nothing was hitting for me, everything pointed to ‘he must be a narcissist, leave leave leave.’ Leaving is not an option and the advice I found was just not relating to what’s happening for us. We have immense love for each other but frustrated is where we are at. Leaving is not an option, we want to make it work. Plus 3 children and a fur baby who need us both. I am almost in tears so happy I found this video and this advice is exactly what I needed to hear, it all makes so much sense and she is just so right!!!! I have alot to learn here and am willing to learn and try. He is such a good man with lots of good intentions and I just need to understand men better lol and myself. Heres to being a better partner! Thankyou ty ty!! new premium sub right here!
I am single, but this is hard for me to understand after growing up with a father who was high anxiety and worked in law enforcement. He was/is always looking around, noticing things that my mother never noticed. He’s very good at reading people’s body language, facial expressions, etc. My dad actually always made fun of my mother for not being able to multitask. The older I get, the more I realize that my parents are somewhat atypical for their sexes. This was super fascinating!
it sounds like his wiring for protecting was on high alert. Likely trauma exaggerated his testosterone driven behaviour... when someone is prone to flight in the FFFF trauma responses, they have ADHD like symptoms when triggered by a trauma so combine that with testosterone, it looks kind of like the hypervigilant traits you mentioned. interesting to ponder this... my best friend is similar to your description but then it went away when he felt safe to express authentically, use his boundaries and honour himself more. for him, plant medicine was a key catalyst for him leaving hypervigilant states and now he has very little of the adhd symptoms remaining.
My father is exactly like that , also used to be in law enforcement!!! Always telling me to be careful of a dozen things in every single situation and as another comment mentions, had high testosterone and definitely went through a traumatic childhood (his father was always sarcastic in a very mean way)
I think there are highly anxious men who notice when something changes because a person did it. Won’t see dust or grime, but they are the ones who know where someone left their keys, etc.
Just downloaded Alison Armstrong's book "The Amazing Development of Men, 2nd Edition" on Audible. Only 3.5 hours! So approachable. Thank you for introducing such a delightful author! Looking forward to diving into the rest of her work.
I kept falling asleep cause it was the middle of the night and I was breastfeeding but every time I woke up, I listened and found a lot of what she says is founded on truth and I bet A LOT of research. Really want to get her audiobook and then maybe I might understand my husband better when he doesn't do something I want done right away and avoid needless arguments. Thank you for this podcast ❤
I told the men in my life what I needed. They called me too sensitive, too needy and didn’t change a damn thing. No man in my life has EVER stood up for me against any threat, problem or insecurity. I have zero faith in men.
If I could add, it’s very easy to bash and make a generalization based on our subjective experience. However, if you believe the subconscious mind basically creates all our external experiences, as I do, then it’s worth taking a look within for what limiting beliefs are attracting and creating this reality. It’s highly likely that as a child your needs and emotions were not seen and validated but dismissed and rejected.
Punching air right now. Spot on when she said men dont respond to woman. My husband. He is my kryptonite. I love him so much yet he will push a button lovingly to no end sometimes. He is a strudy oak that doesnt even move in the wind. And when your a woman that is a realization you have with life. That is a blessing.
Blown away. Forty years with my husband in a “decent” relationship and whoa I have so much to learn. After listening to the Queen’s Code audiobook, I’m hungry for more. What’s should I read/listen to next?
"I can't protect you if you're in front of me." My boyfriend snapped at me because he was trying to find the train platform. I didn't know what he was looking for, really. It was my first time taking the train. We ended up having an argument. His logic was that he wanted to get us back to our hotel safely and on time. However, we didn't have plans to do anything else.
I am listening to this podcast for the third time and each time more and more understanding comes, and thank you so much for this deep, reach and practical information, it has brought amazing clarity to my relationship and helped me tremendously ❤
I absolutely love Alison! Been following her work for years and she truly changed my relationships with the men in my life. I learn something new every time I listen. This woman has so much beautiful wisdom! Beautiful podcast setting too 💓
Love this interview, so relaxing! However I know some verrrry talkative men. I’ve been holding space and listening to my father and brother my whole life. I’ve had to work through finding my voice and being seen and heard as a woman.
Ladies the title got me to listen and your message and voices really make sense and help. Good luck to the single ladies trying to break relationship patterns. We can do it!!!
I have watched so many podcast about trying to improve my marriage, improve myself and understanding ny husband. This is the best podcast, most relatable, easy to understand and straight to the point. So many questions I have had were answered. Thank you!
If you really want to understand humans, look into evolutionary psychology / biology. It explains what we actually are, evolved animals. And how males and females evolved slightly differently.
She’s spot on. Bravo. I would add that people are truly individuals in the grand scheme of human and as such, we can express qualities of the other hormone at times and I believe it’s important to be aware of that. I will also add that being triggered by this podcast, and by anything, is a direct signal that something unresolved is seeking attention from you and until that thing is addressed, assured, momentarily nurtured, and healed/let go of - perhaps it isn’t time, just yet, to go out into the world seeking validation via this unresolved tenderness because it leads into blaming and you’ll continue to experience triggers.
Ellen!! Thank you so much for having Alison on your podcast - from the first 10 minutes my mind was blown and I immediately purchased The Queens Code audiobook and can barely turn it off! 🤭 I can't wait for The Kings Code!!
I never really leave a comment on videos but I just could not not show my gratitude for this chat. Thank you so much! It change my perspective on life and on myself.
So interesting .. but for me it was so different. My man always interrupted me. I never could tell him anything. And when he asked me something he even didn't listen to my answer. Also i asked him many times to stop doing so.. no change.. so i left. I dont think it was because he wanted to connect. He was just not interested in listening to me at all. I never felt heard and seen. I am a women and a good listener. I ask my son about his day, his friends, his interest, his gaming. And than he loves to talk about it.. so sweet, he glows when he just can talk about all that stuff which is so important to him. Now i am going to be even more aware of not interrupting him.
Not just in HOW they think but WHY they evolved to think that way, is very important. Otherwise it feels so arbitrary and we often fill in the blanks with woo woo stuff. As an example. Men don’t deprioritize feelings “just because” that’s how men are. It was evolutionarily adaptive and necessary to do that for men. There are reasons why male brains are like this. It’s also helpful to think about what a Stone Age tribal life actually was. What kinda of relationships did our female ancestors actually have with our male ancestors. It most certainly wasn’t til death do us part pair bonds. And it definitely wasn’t two people out in the Amazon alone. The work the tribe did as a whole, to keep individual woman feeling mentally well is often overlooked. One man on a modern society cannot replace what living 24/7 around fifty other women did for our female ancestors. People often just expect too much from pair bonds. It’s likely that no person in human history had the type of fantasy pair bond modern people want today. We’re trying to replace the lost tribe with single people. That’s never going to work. The tribe was just a better form factor for humans than a society of strangers. A marriage isn’t gonna fix that. So understanding what your partner actually can be to you is important too.
Alison Armstrong has studied many thousands of men for many years and taught her insights. There are interviews and lessons by her on TH-cam. Her research reveals that men instinctively want to help women. That makes them feel fulfilled at a deep level. But women must allow and appreciate that dynamic. Her insights are packed into her fascinating fiction books Keys to the Kingdom and Queens Code. I heard the audiobooks during my daily walks and I was amazed at how she packed wisdom into clever storylines.
Wow! I started re-reading Keys to the Kingdom and Queens Code last week! When I first came across Alison’s work it changed my marriage drastically. But I fell back into old patterns recently. I look forward to listening to this! Thanks Ellen! You rock!
Only ask the question that you're willing to wait for the answer. Beautiful thank you. I'll be using this as a boundary for anyone who interrupts my peace and productivity going forward.
I just came to say, Ellen, your laugh is like music for the soul 😍 what a fantastic conversation. Thank you to you both. Opening the doors to improved relationships one listener at a time ❤
I think some of the comments that disagree aren’t taking the message with discernment . Of course, do not stay with someone who you don’t feel values or respects or sees you. This is a transformational option for relationships to see if they are repairable and to get you and your partner to connect in different ways. Not a Women’s obligation list of all they have to do to keep their man. If you want to go deeper with the partner that you already feel at least valued by… Try these, if not, then don’t.
That's all true, but I would argue that relationship experts should be taking into account that not all of their listeners are in healthy relationships. In fact, many people in abusive relationships tend to seek wisdom in exactly these kinds of books, thinking it is their own fault and they can fix it, when they actually need help finding the courage to leave for their own well being. This is not a one in a million case, it is quite common. This author's advice, if heard by the wrong person, can easily feed right back into a harmful dynamic. There are other relationship experts out there that help people to be a better partner while also learning how to recognize when a person is or isn't able to be a good partner to them. This is not it.
As an INFJ woman, my conversations are diffused, interconnected, multifaceted whilst also being mindful of a culminating point of vision and meaning. So it seems I am internally androgenous haha It's always awkward trying to categorize and show differences when there is so much overlap and other elements involved Due to being highly intuitive (vs sensory minded women) and having adhd, I hyperfocus and cannot easily transition from one task to another. Really struggle with starting something Gender, personality, nurturing, culture, mental quirks, ptsd etc
As a neurodivergent INTP woman I couldn't relate to the "diffuse" thing at all. I also find peace in being focused, hate to be interrupted, and prefer to do one thing at a time. Totally related to the "no protection against criticism" thing, though.
Here I thought puttering was a failure of me as a human being for being ADHD. Who knew other women felt the same way! It makes me wonder how the research for ADHD focused on men changes the way womens' behavior is scrutinized. I also thought changing a response to elicit a behavior was BPD. Shows how toxic the labels and extreme got for me. Thank you for breaking these concepts down! God sent. 🙏🏼💞
I have been trying to figure men out my entire life. I'm 66. I'm so happy to have stumbled upon this video. My new boyfriend of just 8 months (after my two failed marriages) is very possibly my soulmate. BUT, he loves to "help" me in every aspect of my life. While I had at first found this adorable and sweet, I've begun to find it annoying and even recently accused him of thinking I'm stupid. Just minutes into this video, I've learned that men in general need and desire to help the people they love. So, I'll go back to letting him help me and try my independent ego best to let him help me without getting angry or taking his advice as a personal insult. Also, I will practice not talking while he talks. Now, I'll listen to the rest of this video. (Being a woman, I just had to interrupt and voice my opinion thus far. 😊 I digress.
Men need to help because we are born with the small gametes. This means we are not inherently valuable from a biological perspective. We have to create value with our actions. Otherwise we are disposable. The number one reason cited in male suicide cases is feeling useless. So yes, men are evolved to be useful, helpful, needed. It’s not because he thinks you can’t do it. It’s because he needs to feel useful and needed. If you don’t create an environment where he feels needed, he will probably not stay long.
It is very nice of you to let him help you because you know it makes him feel good, but it is also important for you to feel good about yourself too. It seems like doing things independently is one source of self confidence for you. That is not something you have to give up. You can appreciate his good will, and also make boundaries around your independence. Maybe there are a few things that you really like having him help with, and other things that you want to do for yourself. If he is a good partner, then he will understand.
![ILLSLICK - KILLSHOT REMIX [FULL VERSION]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/RIK8RrqIAzE/mqdefault.jpg)
LOVE SEEING A BOOMER GETTING INTERVIEWED. It feels like everyone on youtube is 30 or younger. We desperately need older people to share their wisdom and experience with us.
(If you're a baby boomer or Gen X - consider doing this!)
There are tons of content creators and podcasters way above 30. We dont need, we already have 💜
THIS
Ooooh... i never thought about it
Boomers are busy on holidays from being given and entitled life of freedom....and made every other generation their slave.....
So true they are our library
Ok I just paused the podcast and asked my husband what was new with the Packers and didn’t interrupt him. Then he talked for 50 min straight.
hahaha loveeee this
😂😂😂😂😂
😂 😂😂
❤
He needed it 🎉
I have said this for a long time and Im really glad she validated it for me “ Women treat men like women who are not acting right.”
That makes so much sense, you’re right!
aww,angry abusive men are such victims,awwww
And men treat women like objects, abuse us and murder us. I still think they get the lesser of two evils
@@GabrielleTollerson They are not all abusers. My dad is a good man. My husband is a good man. My nephews are all good men. My neighbor is a good man. If you only know bad men you need to choose better. We are all sick of hearing that picker broken joke and then being expected to pick up the pieces of your messy life. Choose better.
🤯
Next she should write “The King’s Code” to help men get along with women more. Would be a good sequel ☺️
Men wouldn’t read that
@@SaraTansey😂😂😂
@@gemini_cricket she is!
Yes. It’s always advice for women to understand and support men better. Time for men to start learning how to understand snd support women better
orrrr.... Why don't men learn from other men who have a good rapport with the women in their lives?
"tHe KiNg'S cOdE" lmao
I watched this with my husband last night. 30 minutes in he says out loud, "Wow. I feel so seen and heard." 🎤💥
Awesome!!😮😮
Needed this woman woman to translate for us lol
🥲
Awww...that's great!
Yeah, most women don't even try to understand men. Even worse, they want to prove we are the same, which is unhelpful.
What I don’t understand is why women always seem to be the ones who have to adjust, learn, and hold space. I got a lot to learn I know. I’m still glad this popped on my for you page.
1:35:16 I’m glad I kept watching and got my answer 😅
I'm thinking the same... they barely have such podcasts or get together to try understand us... which I think becomes an imbalance cause now we know them better nd do things to make them better but we are longing to also be heard nd loved n understood. Let me carry on watching
because men do not care about relationships as we women do
men can be content with 3min sex, basic food and living in a wall-less shack in the jungle, we can't
WHO said men don't have to either??
Women are not the ones who always need to change. But if in your life you have often been told that you need to learn and change, maybe you do and your loved ones are trying to keep a relationship with you. I have never seen men be as unaccountable as us women, we are so good at pretending we are not the problem when we absolutely are. Best of luck to you, I got married at 20 and still happy with him at 40 I just wish the rest of you had happy lives too.
Self care is key. When I neglect myself, I lose clarity.
Yes! Succinct and focused. All the talk in this video is pointing at just that. Maturity. Self care.
Thank you for this comment and your insight so very true
@ljcook8386 so many likes I didn't see till now.
Thnx and yes I learned how to avoid temptations and voids thru self care.
100% if someone is unwell and not taking care of themselves, things will not feel good.
Before finishing the episode, the first tidbit I got was letting men just talk without interruption so I did that for a day, and got a 3-hr deep dive into my crush’s past dating and personal history FROM HIM. This was the most personal I ever got in the 5+ months of knowing him 😭 his mental box system is so sufficient i never would have expected him to open up about any of it. He’s such a masculine man
The 'practical' value is simple, wow, so, it's listening without interrupting ? Oh. !
It's as simple as acknowledging and praising what you want more of:) I decided to write a note of appreciation every day to my husband it transformed my own heart. There truly is so much that goes unnoticed and when you bring it into the light, it invites more! We both aren't the same people anymore and our marriage is a millions times better! Don't overlook the gift of appreciation. It will be a gift that comes back to you! It basically moves the energy cycle going in the positive direction.
Acknowledging and praising what I want more of it what I used to do when I worked in a kindergarten class. I expect more from a partner in an adult relationship.
Girl what. Appreciating + praising your loved ones comes with every single relationship lol not just romantic partnerships.@@ljsunshine1232
Just hearing this gives me a little hope. Humility is much under rated.
In my opinion, appreciation never loses its value as we age:) Its truly every bit as much as a gift to yourself as it unveils what was there all along, but too blinded by victimhood, self- righteousness and pride to see. That doesn't mean everything is perfect, but we all have warped perspectives that blind us to reality. In my experience, seeing and acknowledging the good, was for more effective than demanding or even silent resentment. Now my husband WANTS to do things he knows means something to me. Its such a simple and powerful thing that's actually really not that complicated. And what do you have to lose to try it other than your pride? Jordan Peterson has some interesting videos on just how powerful the littlest bit of appreciation is and how starved people are for it these days.
I find this works in all areas of life and it’s super valuable. If you praise people for doing a good job or point out the parts of the task that you like they will continue to do it. I’m very validation seeking and I am hurt by critique. Both have their place of course. But I find myself more wired for doing a good job to earn accolades.
It’s funny my husband always interrupts me when we are having a conversation. He talks a lot. I’m the listener. So it gets frustrating when I’m trying to say something. We are working on it, when i bring it up. He always apologizes. ❤ we are a work in progress.
He interrupts you because he does not respect you. People who interrupt are showing you contempt and disdain for you. Apologies don't mean anything if he keeps doing it that means he has a pattern of disrespecting you. He's probably a misogynist. He says sorry then does it again. Sorry is just the lube he uses to psychologically keep r@ping your dignity and self worth. Do you understand?
My husband says nothing. Or very little. It is like living with a brick wall. I’d rather live with a talker.
Better to simply live without a stupid man 😎😆
he's in the feminine and you're in the masculine
if this reverse polarization goes too far it can be dangerous for the relationship
check out John Gray
@@NgG-g2n Or he is ND and she is NT. We have no idea, she told us two sentences about their marriage. People getting diagnosed in comment sections is ruining the world.
Not all men are wired for protection, that also why women are wired to perceive danger. Men can be very dangerous to women if they are the wrong men.
With all men. Men have a "relantionship" with aggression. They will do sth to you if you cant set boudaries, they dont like to restrict themselves but they will thank you if you cut their instincts off by telling no. Men need the law, they need a negative answer
💯💯💯
Exactly
Completely agree.
Correct. Rather all men are wired to be a predator, usually one that is intent on destroying young girls. Which is the entire point of Instagram and OF’s.
I think the comments section is taking the entire context of this conversation out of proportion. If we do not consider a mans feelings, do not treat him with kindness. How can we expect the same in return longterm ?? This woman is talking about hard facts from years of research. No one is saying to centre men and let women roam/sacrifice for them no but at least take the time to understand the science of why men & women are differant and how to bridge the gap in between.
"years of research" hahahahah
How'd they do it before the research. Feminism has made everything complicated. But yet...it's not complicated in the beginning of a relationship? Why? What changes? Why do women file majority of divorces?
@@wLBlue It could be argued that men go along to get along,eventualy having his spirit broken, then "hes not the same man he was when i married him" Fault lies both with the man for not being a man, and with the woman for "feeling" the need to change him. Also the lesbian statistics re divorce states the same reasons as hetro relationships, and is approx 10% higher.
We have to just love where we are and Who We Are... and then we can only energetically attract the same frequency that we are❤ no one has to offer us anything just because we did it for them. That's the illusion we were all fed, expecting reciprocity. We don't have to offer what someone else offers us either, unless we are checking in with our true authentic selves first ❤When we have no expectation, we allow space for a much more wonderful things to come in
@@wLBluebecause men don’t listen to the needs of the woman in the long run. They love bomb women in the beginning, which makes her believe he is a good man in the long run, but then over the years he doesn’t show effort, can’t communicate during conflicts and thinks he can do whatever he wants without accountability.
So the woman has to end it .
I'm going to have to watch and rewatch and glean from this. I'm at the 11:48 mark rn.
My mother was a narcissist and she had her final stroke in November 2020. My partner Ron let me cry and weep and grieve. Then one day in March 2021 I was sobbing again and he just looked at me and said, "why are you grieving so hard someone who hurt you so badly. It's time to stop".
All my gfs were like, "gasp, he's so cruuuuuel".
But it wasn't cruel at all. He loved me and saw my worth and wanted to protect me from me. The victim who had been brainwashed to be the bad guy.
He died September 25th 2021 and I'm so glad he was my protector while he was mine. I'm so glad I spoiled him and let him love me in all kinds of "little" ways, because now those are the memories I cling to.
Men are so good and they are so undervalued. God bless you
sorry for your losses❤
Alison Armstrong changed my life. She is the key to living in harmony and balance within masculine and feminine relationships... Her work is revolutionizing, it may seem overly simplistic, but the truth is simple, the path is simple... Sometimes we over complicated things, Alison is here to save us all from creating more separation and distance between sexes.
Something human kind desperately needs in a time of hate and finger pointing!!!
Simple ,always has been.Women overthink things with little to know application of singular contex. (except the context they arrive at by default.) Men are more focused.
Women hyperventilate on platitudes.
@@stephenrandall484you can tell you listen to this podcast 😅
If she’d read the Bible she would see this information is 1000’s of years old.
All humans have emotions
Men and woman both have a right and left side of the brain
Both men and woman use there left and right side of the brain- Men tend to use there left brain more and woman there right especially in heightened emotional situations.. until emotional healing and maturity grows and develops. Both men and women have "feminine and masculine " energy. masculine energy is linked to the left side of the brain, analytical, facts, problem solving, ect ect and the feminine linked to the right , creativity, intuition, feeling and emotions . Woman can switch between the right and left more easily then men ... bottom line we all can be the best version of ourselves by simply understanding that life is just one big experience..don't be so hard on yourself, love yourself and others ❤️
Wow....women are focused on well being, men on providing. The explains so much. It should be obvious but ive never thought of it this way. Every time i get emotional im expecting him to hold and comfort me but he's trying to figure out why im crying and solve the "problem". Its so sweet to see he's trying to protect me from the threat (in this case, tears or whatever caused me to cry) and i had a hard time seeing it because im focused on well being (his presence, seeking comfort, encouragement etc).
Grow up. Crying over trivia.. Such a turn off to men and women.
I feel that if he was truly wanting to protect, he would give what you need-space to express, feel, and to be acknowledged…what I notice is that they try to “fix” and “resolve” in order to end the emotions and discomfort of seeing you hurting. It is actually for Him and his comfort
@HerWanderlust Wow, bingo! He wants to stop if because it makes him uncomfortable.
@RationalNon-conformist right but for my husband, feelings don't matter as much as facts and reality. And honestly I think that can be helpful because I can get carried away in my feelings and he's better at keeping to the point. Yes, holding space for my emotions are important, but in debates or big decisions or something it's helpful my husband doesn't get all tired up in the emotions and that he can see through it
@@HerWanderlust in a way this is true, but it makes me uncomfortable because I care about her. If it was entirely selfish, I would just walk away. I have that tendency to try to fix problems bc when I'm down for a reason, I don't just let myself feel down, I work to remove whatever is causing me to be down. I think sometimes women aren't down for a particular reason, or maybe can't pinpoint it (and would rather be comforted back to happiness than try to pinpoint it), whereas I am almost never down without good reason, and if that reason is hard to pinpoint, the first thing I'm trying to do is pinpoint it so it can be resolved. It's using the methods I know rather than the ones she would prefer, which I'll admit may not be the best thing to do, but that's something to work on.
I feel triggered listening to this. I feel like we women always have to be the ones doing the effort even to understand and tolerate men's behaviour. We have the weight of society on our backs, we need to care for everything, think about everything, work, home, kids, groceries, clothes, men. Imagine our "natural" characteristics: being super conscious and aware of everything, and now put us in the society we have (which was mostly created and maintained this way by men) and realise how we are going to burn out quick. On top of that we still need to be the ones trying to be better, studying podcasts and books, therapy, about relationships, parenting, etc. Of course we expect reciprocity because WE NEED to share the load we have on our backs with someone. Of course I feel frustrated. 😅 I'm sorry about my rant, still found the podcast interesting and I was honestly surprised by how triggered I felt. It shows I have to work more on myself 🥵😅
I understand your frustration. The thing is though, the women want to be even more aware! And so they listen to podcasts like this so that they can understand more of what is going on. I think the best way to take these kinds of podcasts is to realize that both men and women can learn from each other. We can learn from men's focus, both with how they work and how they relax. Men can learn from us how to be more aware of what is going on around them. It shouldn't be an "I do this, you do that." It should be, we both work in different ways , "let's figure out how to work together and learn about each other."
I think maybe you should take a look at the other side and realize what men are worrying about too. They worry about the same things we do, just in different ways.
@@marishapeters1647 yes absolutely. I am sure they worry too. 🙏 I genuinely feel like we live in such different realities sometimes. And I know for a fact that the way I perceive reality seems aburd to my partner, just as much as I feel the same about his perception of reality too sometimes. I am sure the way I felt about this podcast will open a new door for mutual understanding. 😊
Cry harder feminist
I agree with you but I don’t see an alternative. I think of it as part of our job in this earth 😊 if I could give you any advice it would be to find a partner that appreciates your soft skills and dedication to your growth and feels curious about podcasts or books you recommend. In other words make it part of your value and not as a burden. Hope this helps 💜
I read this book a month ago or so.. literally saw the video and clicked.. soooo fast. I totally realized that we view men so wrong.. Must read for all women.
I'm getting the book
Yeah also my wife started reading “men are from mars, women are from venus”. I think a lot of women in the comments frustrated because it feels like they’re the ones putting all the work into understanding romantic relationships. Trust me, in my algorithm I am constantly recommended videos on how to be a better husband, what women want, how to understand women, all that stuff. So there are a lot of men trying to understand how women think as well.
At risk of pissing women off..I’ve seen comments saying “we’re the ones working on communicating and they don’t even try” yeah but I see a lot of women who don’t try to understand men, they try to make men think like women. Men are NOT defective women, men genuinely think differently from women. We value different things. For example, I didn’t realize how big of a deal my tone was when I argue with my wife. I wouldn’t even really pay attention to my tone, I was so fixated on saying precisely what I thought/felt. But lo and behold, if I spoke gently and with love, she would accept practically anything I told her. I didn’t realize that my tone, if it got too harsh, made her feel resistant to me and unloved. So just one example of how the different sexes think differently and value different things. Men and women need to learn to communicate how their partner of the opposite gender will best receive it
Which one?🥰
Such a valuable video! I don’t often promote books, but the book women’s magic truths on borlest is an exception. It’s packed with insights on wealth and self-care that are not widely known. All the best to everyone
^this is a spam message. Be careful guys
Yes be careful. It’s in alot of TH-cam videos
The more I learn about men and relationships the more self mastery becomes a focus.
Yes, true. I've learned many things too.
But it’s that a good thing? Like genuinely think about it……think about why you’re having to have self mastery? It’s like having to have patience for a child but instead of a child it’s a full grown man.
@@Babbie.dyes working on yourself is a good thing lmao
Being patient is a loving quality to have, people who are impatient have a lot to learn in life
@@Babbie.dwhy so negative? Do you not think that as a man learns more about women (aka other people) they would realize how much they need to learn about themselves, and need to improve in some way?
@@Babbie.d Do you really think you are perfect, and every thought is helpful and benign? Improvement start with humility.
I found the part about “withholding appreciation” from men to be interesting! I don’t think it’s something I realized I was doing lol it’s like if my partner isn’t appreciating or even acknowledging my constant work around the house….why would I congratulate him for doing one singular task while I’m doing 50 💀😭 that’s a tough one for me!
When I’m asked if I noticed something he had done I say “yes, did you notice all those clean underwear in your drawer?” 😂. I don’t need a big thank you or acknowledge for doing the everyday things and I guess I find it weird that he does. But I’ll be a little more appreciative now :)
Maybe if you actually try to appreciate your man, then maybe you would see a difference in him. They have different needs than us, and maybe his needs aren’t being met! Expecting someone else to be exactly like you, and need the exact same things as you is not a great way to go about a relationship.
should go both ways. but aprecciation can be shown in different ways. Not only with words
maybe because you're doing too much for him
Yeah like, “ thank you so much you are so amazing for picking up your own dirty socks while I do 65 things at the same time “
One thing i love about my husband is that he won't let anyone talk s*** about me including myself!
Comments by people who have read the book and those that haven't are so different. Read the book, then comment. As a man ive read it 3 times and loved it and learnt so much. The book is so valuable for men and women alike. All Alison's work is so beneficial for both genders and i recommend it to all men and women. Its epic stuff
What did the book teach you as a man?
I tried listening the way she said, and I have had days of praise from my husband. Just read and devoured the book in the last two days. I feel like this has been what I've been looking for.
I stopped the podcast half way through, got the audio book, read the whole thing in two days and now I’m back to finish watching 😂 (it was really good)
Same hereeee
14:16 "There are people in your life that when you get to be with them, you're a different person. You have more capacities on the other side of having spent that time with them. And if you don't get to be with them for a while--there's a part of me that is filled up by that person and I'm not entirely myself." 😌
For me this was my brother. I haven’t been the same person since he died in 2002. I used to laugh and feel light so much more than I do now.
my son
I cried 5 min in the interview, how this can be so obvious but not known. This kind of knowledge about communication should be taught at school.
Omg Alison Armstrong!!!!! Getting a spotlight shined on her!!!! What a time!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I read her book this year. AHHHHHHH. She is changing lives!
I’ve had Queens Code on my book shelf for 6 years and will finally pick it up and read it after listening to this. Alison’s aura is just divine
What Alison calls 'puttering,' my husband calls the 'bumblebee approach.' A prime example is going shopping. A female, aka me, uses the bumblebee approach (which drives him crazy) by going in the store and going from one item to the next based on what attracted me on the way to what I went into the store for. Whereas a man, aka him, is focused on what he went into the store to get, purchases it, and leaves.
The old caveman "hunter man & woman gatherer" psychology...
Oh I love this. The bumble bee approach 😂
@@rachelmariasnow88 in the perception of us men, we are EXTREMELY "energy conscious" - for us, if the spenditure of energy employed into a certain task do not offer us a greater result than its cost, we don't do it.
I guess I'm a man then because I am in and out 😂
@@Just...Peachysame. I can’t stand these old evolutionary psychology ways of justifying behaviors because a lot of men and women don’t fit into these molds. I can’t speak as to how different genders think though … because I’m only one gender :)
It's such a delight when a man takes care of all the details and leads the way...perfect for me to relax and soak everything in....ah!
As a men, let me tell you why:
You let it go of your sword - this is why it is so easy now.
I have yet to meet a man I can do this with. It would be nice though!
Also me, yet to meet someone like that!!
@@Just...Peachy as if men are telepaths...
@@bhavna123 "perfection" do not exist in Nature...
Omg this point at about 37 minutes. 😳😳😳 I always tell my husband to tell me when I have raccoon eyes... he says he will, but when I look in the mirror I have raccoon eyes - "hun why didn't you tell me I had raccoon eyes?" "I didn't see it" or "you look great!" 😂 this is so relatable!
I know what you mean but you calling it racoon eyes makes it sound adorable 😄☺️
Amazing yet men don't usually cheat with Racoons eyes 😂
It's so important to hear from our older generations WHO DIDN'T FAIL about love and relationships. Most people gen x and younger grew up with divorce as the norm. Modern love is so broken.
I watched this about 4 months ago. Just came across it again and want to say this has helped me communicate better with my teenage son. She's brilliant.
If only men put this much time, consideration and effort into learning how the women in their lives communicate. Seems to me yet another example of the emotion work women do to make their men and relationships function. I'll me looking for this lovely lady to be interviewed by male pod casters and interested to see how they respond to her message.
We do, but the only thing men can find, it took more then 20 years in my case to find anyone to say anything else, is that women are confusing and illogical and a waist of time to try to understand.
Partly, either you picked poorly or you're a handful to deal with. The other part is men aren't wired the same and the expectation that a man can completely match your emotional expectations, your social IQ/experience is unrealistic. Most of the men I know, they are actively looking out for their wives, caring for their wives, listening to their wives, sharing duties, improving themselves, reading/watching relationship advice. Is their relationship perfect still? No.
I can most times know what my partner is thinking? What she wants to eat? etc. But we disagree on some things and it's OK. In fact, I'm more socially/EQ in-tuned than her. She shuts down like a dude sometimes when she's in a bad mood.
Agreed, I listened to the whole video and I felt the message was mostly “put up with and understand your husband because he does things his way” and not that it’s a two-way street on each level of the relationship. Not that everything she said was bad. But I couldn’t help but feel that if I were a woman in an unhappy relationship listening to this, I would be more inclined to put it all on “oh he’s a man I just have to deal with this” rather than “this is something we can work on together and I cannot be expected to carry the weight of the emotional work of the relationship myself” this only works if your husband takes an EQUAL interest in tending to your needs in the relationship just as much as you do his
@mellenix can you disagree without picking apart someone or with ad hominems? You seem like a person with very low tolerance for disagreement or different opinions. Consider that you may be talking to someone who has been brutalised by men
@@mellenix Some male czech coach said that its healthy if men and women have also their own world, their own space for friends and hobbies.
that if she forces him to be constantly included in every hobby, in his world, his friendhsips, and everything
then it can be toxic, because at the same time she is neglecting her world, her hobbies, her friends,
talks to her friends less, does her favorite hobbies less often.....
so at the same time she feels "he is too weak" because he starts to adjust all his favorite hobbies to please her
and yet she is the one who is naging him to do it...
So she gets frustrated, he gets furstrated, for neglecting his interests.
You can be partners but it doesnt mean he has to control everything you do in spare time,
every hobby, or investigate every girlfriend you meet
at the same time you are not supposed to investigate all his hobbies, interests and friends to feel included.
Because if one of the partners is controlling, it like both sit in the restaurant
and she gets her "half" of table, but at the same time she wants to have his half of table.
She should let him to have his half of table, and he should let her to have her half of table and enjoy the dinner.
It should be common understanding that some hobbies you do together and some hobbies you do separatedly with your friends, and that it doesnt mean that if you are not included in everything that your world is cheap or his world is cheap.
I just subscribed, because this is one of a very few women's shows about men I've seen, that treats men with respect and doesn't blame, shame or belittle them. AND the info is great, too! Kudos.
check out Pat Allen and John Gray
I love that you said this. I know that when my content reaches the point where having a podcast makes sense I will be another female who speaks with respect and curiosity and amazement. Misplacing resentment and projecting it as fact is a toxic behaviour that comes from not properly processing emotions/needs and taking the responsibility to request and adjust engagement based on that reality, not just based on feelings.
this is so much more helpful than telling us that men and women are enemies
ok, I agree that you need to tell them what you need. Yes you do that once, but if it gets ignored over and over then they are not capable of caring for you. And the more you try to ask for it, the more you feel helpless and frustrated. I think a caring man in nature will care for you without asking. If they don't, that is their nature.
I think that if a woman has to tell a man what she needs then it's game over. She needs to attract and elicit this behaviour from him. If she doesn't then she'll always be telling him and then give up.
She does that by focusing and taking care of herself.
I’m not even half way and I’ve cried 3 times just realizing how much I needed this. I am so excited to implement this wisdom ❤
This woman is profoundly brilliant! A man to protect us from ourself! WOW! True love! Protect from enemies!
Oh, so it’s men who should protect us from OURSELVES!?!! Got it. Take a look at domestic violence statistics and get back to me about that “protection”
@@DamnTastyVegan also anyone who was fathered by or dated one of the many absent men who don't feel like protecting anyone but their own ego. 😂
@@DamnTastyVegan Lesbian relationships have the highest number of dv, try again.
Why do we need protection from ourselves, are our own enemies now? It just seems like we get into relationships for projects really, kind of like build a bear. I need a complete man, not to say perfect, but complete.
@@zdravin4448 and men who do not report dv. seems to be some fems trolling.on here.
As a masculine woman a lot of this resonates with me also; I love it! Thank you!
Right.. why is it that most women including myself wake up go to work, clean the house on my days off, cook meals for us, wash his clothes, watch these type of podcasts to learn while he goes to work, then lies on the couch and plays Playstation games on his day off, where is his self awareness and how can i not jump to the conclusion he's superficial when all he displays is playing video games or watching tv when hes not at work..yet i have to show the appreciation????
Communicate that with him, set your boundaries, see how far he can go in doing chores. I'm a woman and I'm lazy, if someone else does these things (i.e. mom), I'd also want to watch TV all day after work. But if there is respect for my mom and also communication and if I care she is exhausted after work, I'll want to do the chores. The thing is chores don't seem like so much job when you are not doing them all, hence you don't appreciate someone doing them, it becomes invisible. But try being a team
Or maybe it's time for a trade in...maybe have him watch it 🎉🎉🎉🎉
Exactly! Women’s labor isn’t valued as much in the patriarchy
You also teach a man how to treat you. Gentle and respectful but firm and communicate your needs with respect is key.
I had a boyfriend like that and he was just not the right partner for me. Sometimes it's as simple as that. You cannot change someone but you are the one who is chosing to be with him. 😉
I'm a man and when I heard the part where she says, "you've got to wait for the hero," it hit something in me and I started crying. 🙏❤️🧠☯️✨🙌💎🔥
Just finished Queens code nearly cried! I'm 50 . I got so offended when a man wld say to me " I need you to be here at such & such a time . I d say your not at work now don't order me about" lol 😮😂.
Seriously 35 yrs of frustration/disappointments in relating to men. Thank You Alison!! 🎉🎉❤ xxx God Bless you xxx
We act as if their Doing Nothing isn't important and they act like our Wanting to Connect With Them isn't important....WOW!! THAT INSIGHT ALONE could save the planet!!
WHat a fab convo I was lucky enough to stumble upon.
Thanks, Ladies. 🎉
Thankyou so much!!! Am going through a tough time with my partner of 24 yrs. We are best friends but often our communication just doesn’t hit the mark. We both feel unheard, unappreciated and upset. To be fair, we have both changed so much from how we were when we met. The interruption thing is big for him when I’m trying to get clarity from what he is saying. He then refocuses on my interruption and never finishes what he was saying and it snowballs and comms just breaks down.
I will now be more aware of just listening completely and I am so getting this book!! Ive been scouring you tube for the right advice and nothing was hitting for me, everything pointed to ‘he must be a narcissist, leave leave leave.’ Leaving is not an option and the advice I found was just not relating to what’s happening for us. We have immense love for each other but frustrated is where we are at. Leaving is not an option, we want to make it work. Plus 3 children and a fur baby who need us both.
I am almost in tears so happy I found this video and this advice is exactly what I needed to hear, it all makes so much sense and she is just so right!!!!
I have alot to learn here and am willing to learn and try. He is such a good man with lots of good intentions and I just need to understand men better lol and myself. Heres to being a better partner! Thankyou ty ty!! new premium sub right here!
I am single, but this is hard for me to understand after growing up with a father who was high anxiety and worked in law enforcement. He was/is always looking around, noticing things that my mother never noticed. He’s very good at reading people’s body language, facial expressions, etc. My dad actually always made fun of my mother for not being able to multitask. The older I get, the more I realize that my parents are somewhat atypical for their sexes. This was super fascinating!
That doesn't sound atypical at all though! He needs to be that way for his job.
it sounds like his wiring for protecting was on high alert. Likely trauma exaggerated his testosterone driven behaviour... when someone is prone to flight in the FFFF trauma responses, they have ADHD like symptoms when triggered by a trauma so combine that with testosterone, it looks kind of like the hypervigilant traits you mentioned. interesting to ponder this... my best friend is similar to your description but then it went away when he felt safe to express authentically, use his boundaries and honour himself more. for him, plant medicine was a key catalyst for him leaving hypervigilant states and now he has very little of the adhd symptoms remaining.
Smart man...everyone should be more aware...and if not don't have to understand but accept those around you that do...because they care.
My father is exactly like that , also used to be in law enforcement!!! Always telling me to be careful of a dozen things in every single situation and as another comment mentions, had high testosterone and definitely went through a traumatic childhood (his father was always sarcastic in a very mean way)
I think there are highly anxious men who notice when something changes because a person did it. Won’t see dust or grime, but they are the ones who know where someone left their keys, etc.
Just downloaded Alison Armstrong's book "The Amazing Development of Men, 2nd Edition" on Audible. Only 3.5 hours! So approachable. Thank you for introducing such a delightful author! Looking forward to diving into the rest of her work.
This is one of the best podcasts that I watched in my entire life. I bow to you and thank you for that.
I ADORE Alison Armstrong's energy. She truly embodies femininity and draws everyone in with her insightful words and easy laugh ❤
I kept falling asleep cause it was the middle of the night and I was breastfeeding but every time I woke up, I listened and found a lot of what she says is founded on truth and I bet A LOT of research. Really want to get her audiobook and then maybe I might understand my husband better when he doesn't do something I want done right away and avoid needless arguments. Thank you for this podcast ❤
Her book changed my life and my relationships with men.
I told the men in my life what I needed. They called me too sensitive, too needy and didn’t change a damn thing. No man in my life has EVER stood up for me against any threat, problem or insecurity. I have zero faith in men.
Agreed, I feel like the caveat that needs to mentioned is this advice is for GOOD, loving and loyal men. Not the many abusers out there.
@@HeyLady08excellent point
They weren't the right men for you, they didn't want to please you for whatever reason, better to know they aren't for you and move on
You probably are attracted to men like your absent or neglectful dad.
If I could add, it’s very easy to bash and make a generalization based on our subjective experience. However, if you believe the subconscious mind basically creates all our external experiences, as I do, then it’s worth taking a look within for what limiting beliefs are attracting and creating this reality. It’s highly likely that as a child your needs and emotions were not seen and validated but dismissed and rejected.
Her message is so important and can change the world if more people understood
Alison is a national treasure. Her books have taught me so much. Grateful for her work!
oh my goodness, how incredible! I love Alison and have been listening to her for years, she is such a gift to the world. Thank you for having her on!
I really love how enlightening this is. So beautiful to see two women basking in their femininity and helping others to the same
Thank you!
Punching air right now. Spot on when she said men dont respond to woman. My husband. He is my kryptonite. I love him so much yet he will push a button lovingly to no end sometimes. He is a strudy oak that doesnt even move in the wind. And when your a woman that is a realization you have with life. That is a blessing.
Blown away. Forty years with my husband in a “decent” relationship and whoa I have so much to learn. After listening to the Queen’s Code audiobook, I’m hungry for more. What’s should I read/listen to next?
The Empowered wife and things will get as good as you can stand
i’ve been in a relationship for five years and hearing y’all talk about this is blowing my mind omfg
Oh my gosh!!! I read this book years ago and I’m so glad it’s resurfacing for me! It’s a really amazing hidden gem!
"I can't protect you if you're in front of me."
My boyfriend snapped at me because he was trying to find the train platform. I didn't know what he was looking for, really. It was my first time taking the train. We ended up having an argument. His logic was that he wanted to get us back to our hotel safely and on time. However, we didn't have plans to do anything else.
Haha! I feel like that was a surprise ending
Ha ha love it!
It’s funny cause my boyfriend didnt understand why I walk behind him. I feel more safe behind him as apposed to in front of him.
Why would you walk infront of your boyfriend regardless of where you are?
Especially in a new environment?
Whoa! This woman is filled with wisdom! I most definitely need to read this book! It will help me understand my son's more ❤🎉
I am listening to this podcast for the third time and each time more and more understanding comes, and thank you so much for this deep, reach and practical information, it has brought amazing clarity to my relationship and helped me tremendously ❤
I absolutely love Alison! Been following her work for years and she truly changed my relationships with the men in my life. I learn something new every time I listen. This woman has so much beautiful wisdom!
Beautiful podcast setting too 💓
Love this interview, so relaxing! However I know some verrrry talkative men. I’ve been holding space and listening to my father and brother my whole life. I’ve had to work through finding my voice and being seen and heard as a woman.
Ladies the title got me to listen and your message and voices really make sense and help. Good luck to the single ladies trying to break relationship patterns. We can do it!!!
I have watched so many podcast about trying to improve my marriage, improve myself and understanding ny husband. This is the best podcast, most relatable, easy to understand and straight to the point. So many questions I have had were answered. Thank you!
If you really want to understand humans, look into evolutionary psychology / biology. It explains what we actually are, evolved animals. And how males and females evolved slightly differently.
She’s spot on. Bravo. I would add that people are truly individuals in the grand scheme of human and as such, we can express qualities of the other hormone at times and I believe it’s important to be aware of that. I will also add that being triggered by this podcast, and by anything, is a direct signal that something unresolved is seeking attention from you and until that thing is addressed, assured, momentarily nurtured, and healed/let go of - perhaps it isn’t time, just yet, to go out into the world seeking validation via this unresolved tenderness because it leads into blaming and you’ll continue to experience triggers.
This video has explained so many past arguments I've had with my husband and im not even half way through the video
Ellen!! Thank you so much for having Alison on your podcast - from the first 10 minutes my mind was blown and I immediately purchased The Queens Code audiobook and can barely turn it off! 🤭 I can't wait for The Kings Code!!
Thank God for the man He sent to me! And all the caring and providing he has done! I pray God makes me the wife he needs!! 💗💗
Beautiful and pretty sure this is how the last generation were taught.
Wow, that's really precious :)
Such a good prayer 🙏🏻 ❤
I never really leave a comment on videos but I just could not not show my gratitude for this chat. Thank you so much! It change my perspective on life and on myself.
I love Alison so much. My friend that exposed me to her did the listening thing to me. It was unique.
So interesting .. but for me it was so different. My man always interrupted me. I never could tell him anything. And when he asked me something he even didn't listen to my answer. Also i asked him many times to stop doing so.. no change.. so i left. I dont think it was because he wanted to connect. He was just not interested in listening to me at all.
I never felt heard and seen. I am a women and a good listener. I ask my son about his day, his friends, his interest, his gaming. And than he loves to talk about it.. so sweet, he glows when he just can talk about all that stuff which is so important to him.
Now i am going to be even more aware of not interrupting him.
I could cry... I need this!!!
Love this! I think understanding the difference between how a man and woman think are very important in having a healthy relationship.
Not just in HOW they think but WHY they evolved to think that way, is very important. Otherwise it feels so arbitrary and we often fill in the blanks with woo woo stuff.
As an example. Men don’t deprioritize feelings “just because” that’s how men are. It was evolutionarily adaptive and necessary to do that for men. There are reasons why male brains are like this.
It’s also helpful to think about what a Stone Age tribal life actually was. What kinda of relationships did our female ancestors actually have with our male ancestors. It most certainly wasn’t til death do us part pair bonds. And it definitely wasn’t two people out in the Amazon alone. The work the tribe did as a whole, to keep individual woman feeling mentally well is often overlooked. One man on a modern society cannot replace what living 24/7 around fifty other women did for our female ancestors. People often just expect too much from pair bonds.
It’s likely that no person in human history had the type of fantasy pair bond modern people want today. We’re trying to replace the lost tribe with single people. That’s never going to work.
The tribe was just a better form factor for humans than a society of strangers. A marriage isn’t gonna fix that. So understanding what your partner actually can be to you is important too.
Alison Armstrong has studied many thousands of men for many years and taught her insights. There are interviews and lessons by her on TH-cam.
Her research reveals that men instinctively want to help women. That makes them feel fulfilled at a deep level. But women must allow and appreciate that dynamic.
Her insights are packed into her fascinating fiction books Keys to the Kingdom and Queens Code.
I heard the audiobooks during my daily walks and I was amazed at how she packed wisdom into clever storylines.
Hi darling...could I talk to you? Have u got an instagram account or email? Thanks
Wow! I started re-reading Keys to the Kingdom and Queens Code last week! When I first came across Alison’s work it changed my marriage drastically. But I fell back into old patterns recently. I look forward to listening to this! Thanks Ellen! You rock!
Ellen, this is top notch production
I love hearing the intro to your podcasts. It’s so well done! The images, music, everything!!
aweee thank you! I work so long and hard at them. it's my favorite part to get creative :)
Agreed!
Only ask the question that you're willing to wait for the answer. Beautiful thank you. I'll be using this as a boundary for anyone who interrupts my peace and productivity going forward.
“I will survive if I’m perfect” 😭 Hit me so deeply
I just came to say, Ellen, your laugh is like music for the soul 😍 what a fantastic conversation. Thank you to you both. Opening the doors to improved relationships one listener at a time ❤
I think some of the comments that disagree aren’t taking the message with discernment . Of course, do not stay with someone who you don’t feel values or respects or sees you. This is a transformational option for relationships to see if they are repairable and to get you and your partner to connect in different ways. Not a Women’s obligation list of all they have to do to keep their man. If you want to go deeper with the partner that you already feel at least valued by… Try these, if not, then don’t.
That's all true, but I would argue that relationship experts should be taking into account that not all of their listeners are in healthy relationships. In fact, many people in abusive relationships tend to seek wisdom in exactly these kinds of books, thinking it is their own fault and they can fix it, when they actually need help finding the courage to leave for their own well being. This is not a one in a million case, it is quite common. This author's advice, if heard by the wrong person, can easily feed right back into a harmful dynamic. There are other relationship experts out there that help people to be a better partner while also learning how to recognize when a person is or isn't able to be a good partner to them. This is not it.
As an INFJ woman, my conversations are diffused, interconnected, multifaceted whilst also being mindful of a culminating point of vision and meaning.
So it seems I am internally androgenous haha
It's always awkward trying to categorize and show differences when there is so much overlap and other elements involved
Due to being highly intuitive (vs sensory minded women) and having adhd, I hyperfocus and cannot easily transition from one task to another. Really struggle with starting something
Gender, personality, nurturing, culture, mental quirks, ptsd etc
Also, as an INFJ you let others talk, don't you? Be it a man or a woman, they talk and you listen. Not all women are talkers...
As a neurodivergent INTP woman I couldn't relate to the "diffuse" thing at all. I also find peace in being focused, hate to be interrupted, and prefer to do one thing at a time.
Totally related to the "no protection against criticism" thing, though.
I concur
Would love help on this topic too. Please share any recommendations! Thanks in advance :)
This is Soooo very POWERFUL! I Am grateful. This is Me at 61 and my Boyfriend of 6 years age 63.
Here I thought puttering was a failure of me as a human being for being ADHD. Who knew other women felt the same way! It makes me wonder how the research for ADHD focused on men changes the way womens' behavior is scrutinized. I also thought changing a response to elicit a behavior was BPD. Shows how toxic the labels and extreme got for me.
Thank you for breaking these concepts down! God sent. 🙏🏼💞
Listen to keys to the kingdom first and then the queens code. They are so good.
Helpful and Hilarious "I finally realized Why men don't see dust... IT DOESN'T MOVE." Explains So Much!!
And it's also not beauty and doesn't really interfere with productivity
This is excellent. Alison really knows her stuff!
This is one of my favorite episodes, Ellen! I will re-listen to it & read the book. Thank you both! ❤
No one can make anyone happy. That’s each of our own responsibility.
My heart is so full from this podcast❤️ Thank you everyone! Blessings!
Someone gave me book THE SUN ALWAYS PIERCES THROUGH & it helped me so much heal from loss
Wow! Very insightful. I'm divorced and not in a relationship currently. So helpful to learn for my future dating and relationships.
I am beyond grateful to have found this podcast 🙏
im so glad, thank you for being here!
I really appreciate you reading her book and then interviewing her you were super prepared which made the interview very interesting. !
I have been trying to figure men out my entire life. I'm 66. I'm so happy to have stumbled upon this video. My new boyfriend of just 8 months (after my two failed marriages) is very possibly my soulmate. BUT, he loves to "help" me in every aspect of my life. While I had at first found this adorable and sweet, I've begun to find it annoying and even recently accused him of thinking I'm stupid. Just minutes into this video, I've learned that men in general need and desire to help the people they love.
So, I'll go back to letting him help me and try my independent ego best to let him help me without getting angry or taking his advice as a personal insult. Also, I will practice not talking while he talks. Now, I'll listen to the rest of this video. (Being a woman, I just had to interrupt and voice my opinion thus far. 😊 I digress.
Men need to help because we are born with the small gametes. This means we are not inherently valuable from a biological perspective. We have to create value with our actions. Otherwise we are disposable.
The number one reason cited in male suicide cases is feeling useless. So yes, men are evolved to be useful, helpful, needed. It’s not because he thinks you can’t do it. It’s because he needs to feel useful and needed.
If you don’t create an environment where he feels needed, he will probably not stay long.
It is very nice of you to let him help you because you know it makes him feel good, but it is also important for you to feel good about yourself too. It seems like doing things independently is one source of self confidence for you. That is not something you have to give up. You can appreciate his good will, and also make boundaries around your independence. Maybe there are a few things that you really like having him help with, and other things that you want to do for yourself. If he is a good partner, then he will understand.
Ellen I am so glad that your podcasts are back! I listen to a few others but you are my favorite.
What a wonderful message. Thank you for thoughtfully & gently conveying it.