Now that I'm an adult I can see that the way my mother raised me really set me up to be a codependent. The way she raised me growing up (to be a people-pleaser, never taught me about boundaries) really made me the perfect target for narcissists and emotional abusers.
Same, I resent her a lot. It's really hard for me to be around her, but she doesn't understand. She still tries to tell me how to act, and I'm 34 now. 😣
Yes I grew up walking on eggshells. Never ever allowed your own feelings and never were allowed opinions in any discussion. My stepfather didn't like my sister so she had to go. My brother is a narc. I'm a people please/ codependent. My mom catered to my stepdad and did whatever he wanted. I learned to keep my mouth shut and putting His needs at all times. Trying get out of a toxic relationship now.
Congrats to you!! This is a great one to watch, I wish I would've seen this before I ended mine (only 1 year together), it turned into an emotional disaster. But that's ok ☺️
Well done and I hope you recover soon Nikki, My girlfriend left me twice to an abusive man yet I treated her with love and affection. I was mentally abused, and my bank account emptied, This was the thanks I got after three and a half years.
Nikki glows - hoping you made the right decision. I had my narcissistic ex who was also diagnosed with BPD leave me a year ago. I’m almost through it all after a tough 12 mths and found out after only 2 mths she slept with someone else even when we were still living under the same roof. It’s been tough but sending you love & hugs all the way from Australia. Francois xox
I'm a fixer and selfless. It has brought me nothing but pain the last few relationships. I have allowed my girlfriends to manipulate me and just make me feel like I'm not good enough. Thankfully watching your videos and doing self soothing work has me realizing that I am better off without them. So thank you.
I hear ya man. Anytime we feel we have to "prove' ourselves, it's inevitably an unhealthy dynamic. Focusing all the energy we'd typically put on others onto ourselves works wonders. It's virtually always difficult not only setting, but enforcing our boundaries, as well as wanting to jump in and help fix others as people pleasers. And yes sir, we are all better off without anyone who manipulates or takes advantage of our kind heartedness.
@Hunt Simple Very much an empath. Constantly told I was too sensitive or paranoid about things. But clearly, I was right when she got backed into a corner and had to tell me she had been lying to me.
I believe I have codependency because an abandonment issues around not having a father and my mother putting boyfriends what I felt before me as a child. And people pleaser yes it's carried over I'm very empathetic as well and you help me in our stand how I can blur it. I've seen counseling before and today I just made an appointment had an assessment I'll meet with Case Manager soon and then I'll get psych eval to determine my mental status at this point. My girlfriend of 3 months I felt was seeking other men's attention for her validation and it made me feel insecure and not valued, we're both in recovery and I work really hard to get where I'm at but she's just starting the process so but she has three years sober. She says she loves me but the behavior continued we talked about it and then I saw it again a week ago so I decided to pull the plug on it I want her to recover and I want to recover and be happy whole and healthy within my own self. With the help of a tribe A Village and a most importantly my God I will get better.
I think some of our 'people-pleasing' comes from our desire to please God. We serve others for the sake of God. He tells us to do unto others as we would have them do for us; we love our neighbor as ourselves; we love even our enemies etc. I honestly feel that I'm not doing it to gain people's favor; I'm doing it to gain God's favor. And surely He will compensate us for anything we lost or suffered in the process, either in this life or the one to come, God-willing.
I'm a recovering codependent/empath many failed relationships from unhealthy choices with substance abusers and narcissists. desperate for acceptance and Love my mother was critical ..emotionally absent and verbally abusive. in my sixties now and no longer looking outside for love and validation. I'm free !!!
@@isadoreanabelle3449 thank you. It's a painful process but I'm so self aware. I'm still living with PTSD and painful reminders. I don't think that ever leaves us.
Deborrah Oliveri I am soooo happy to hear that! I am on recovering too. Lofe will be much better, brighter, and peaceful from now on. No more narcs, players, abusers in ny life! About me? No more a people pleaser/codependet/empath(to those who do not deserve it). All the best!
jaliahla hawkins , yes she is!!! I’ve felt so alone and she has helped me so much. I’m not good with words because I’ve grown up with friends who told I was too shy and dumb. It really shaped and hurt me into my adulthood. Watching Stephanie’s videos has really helped and helped me learn to love myself slowly. I’m a very emotional person, and I have a lot love to give.
I AM THE LOVE OF MY LIFE by Horacio Jones: amzn.to/33PyeNp The reason it is so easy to love others and hard to understand how to love ourselves is because we do not know the ends and outs of another person but we know every single thing about ourselves and that makes it a little difficult to love such a conflicted person...little do we know "conflicted" is normal. We owe ourselves a full understanding and more knowledge on self love. After making self love my NUMBER 1 priority, I came across an amazing author who takes you through all the challenges that has destroyed the opportunity of self love. His book is a GAME CHANGER!!! I recommend anyone who wants to TRULY destroy all the blocks of self love to READ THIS BOOK!! I promise it takes so much weight off your shoulder and puts you on a path to let NO ONE AND NOTHING get in the way of loving yourself, which in the end leads to a life of ABUNDANCE because you REALIZE.......YOU ARE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!!
Yeah free therapy to just one person of her choosing! It's a bit disheartening if everyone hopes for this and would benefit from a real therapy session and no one gets picked but a truck driver from New Delhi manages to get it just to talk about his work carrear and how it takes off. What about all the other subscribers? You're all in competition with each other hoping and or thinking is she going to pick me? The deal should be at least ten people of her choosing so people have a real shot at getting some kind of therapy to get some advice they desperately need.
"My happiness is my responsibility." Damn. If only I'd thought that instead of placing happiness on my ex and her behaviours. Dear oh dear. I failed miserably.
Really good information. You cannot give your all to someone unless you have respect for yourself. The idea is to love your neighbour as yourself, not love your neighbour and hate yourselves. Thanks
hi intj, I used to get it backward almost instinctively, not loving others the way I had already fully and rightly loved myself, instead loving others as I wished to receive love, and sometimes the way I thought they needed love, and rarely and still dysfunctionally the way they actually wanted to be loved, but still absent any demand for the same in return. Oh my, that rant gave me a headache, your comment triggered me. How does that fit in with what I just wrote? Seriouslt, I'm dizzy idk. I'm off.
I think my comment coincides with your comment unless I not interpreting your message correctly. The object is to have balance between a person having self respect and having a mutual respect for others until they prove themselves to be taking advantage of you. As to if you feel that I am just repeating the views of the speaker it is to my way of showing that I understand what it is that they are trying to communicate to me. I hope that this helps you with your question. Thanks for your response
Took 50 plus yrs, to figure out I can love myself for just who I am and seek people who enjoy my company. Don’t try so hard anymore. Just am enjoying life more...not so worried about the outcome.
I put up two simple boundaries with my fiancé & he ran off almost a month ago. It hurts so bad that I keep attracting narcs & they mistreat & then discard me. I’m happy for information like this. I realize that I need to heal & work on myself before I ever think of dating. I hate how damaged I am.
Pae Pae Thank u for ur messages. If I learned anything from this experience, it’s just that. I never will allow my boundaries to be crossed & I’ll pay attention to red flags.
V Annur you are not damaged, you are hurt and you need to recreate your foundational beliefs. It’s hard to give kids security if our society and parents don’t have it or don’t even know that they’re not loving us how we need it versus what they know. We just need to honor ourselves as divine and ask what we need first and foremost, learn to love us, and then all will be well. And it’s ok to try and fail, just make sure you try again and fail forward. Every step you take is a step in the right direction. Be fearless, beautiful! You are so worth it
Gabby Caceres thank u for ur kind & insightful comment 💗 I have since, luckily stumbled upon a bunch of very helpful information while seeking my path to healing. The information I’ve found has helped me to grow in so many ways. I’m content to b without a partner currently & enjoying discovering the good, along with the bad & dysfunctional patterns learned in childhood. I’m learning how, as u put it, to honor the divine in self.
I am a co-dependent poster child. Grew up never being enough..severe emotional and mental abuse from parents and siblings...I take on everyone's problems..I end up fixing or atleast trying to fix everyone's life and make everyone happy. It's gotten me nowhere. Thank you for this video✨
thanks for sharing that as it makes sense why I sometimes unconsciously do what I do in fixing others. certainly learn about one of my hangups since last year and its co dependency
@J OneLife I'm the scapegoat in my family and outside of my family basically everywhere I go people can't wait to take me down I don't understand I speak up they attack like a pack of hungry wolves
stilababe 09 You’re too sensitive, lighten up. If this statement pisses you off then you were emotionally abused, scapegoated. Stilababe. You are worthy!!! Love you!
4:21 You are responsible for your own happiness, no one else Validate your feelings 5:20 Decide how you want to feel 7:14 STOP! Its not your job to put someone else's needs and wants ahead of your own. 10:20 Know what YOU want, honor yourself, stand up for yourself 11:40 Oxygen Mask Principle 12:05 Let go of the need to fix others 12:49 *Understand* that Everyone is on Their Own journey 13:29 You can't make anyone happy or make them love you 14:43 You Have To have the Self Awareness of when you are Entering into Codependency - How do YOU feel, What do YOU want?
4 minutes in and I’m already crying. This really hits home. I’m so codependent it’s ridiculous and I feel as if I’ll never be able to break the cycle. I’m trying so hard.
When someone asks you to do something You do it anyways You don’t want to do it but you do it You don’t do it but you feel like you are a horrible person
And if you voice that then you're accused of being fake in the first place. But even u don't even know why u do it because it has been hard wired into your programming from a very very young age. And yes fear is a big factor. I'm learning it's okay to be judged or criticised or accused, as long as you can validate your feelings for yourself.
I didn't mean to put myself in this situation. I just gave her all my time, all my money and all my love. I didn't realize that would make me codependent. You live, you learn. I hate no one, altho8g6h at one point I hated myself for my actions and who I had become. I have crawled out of the hole i built and it feels good to see the sun again. Your videos have helped many, including myself. Thank you always..
What did you actually do to fix it??? I understand I need to accept myself and trust my feelings. But how do you actually put it into action and do it?
I am definitely a love seeker Addicted to getting approval from my family, an spouse. If he doesn't approve of my decisions or me..i feel lost. I lost my identity long time ago. ..but I have been reconnecting with my self, and know my spouse is very angry with me,an has become verbally aggressive, and abusive! He says i cant make it without him..it hurts so bad the way he attacks my self esteem! I am scared to loose him,but I cant loose myself!
My spouse served me divorce papers and I am so happy. I am happy to leave his world and build my world. Please take care of you! Don't live your life wanting to please someone who is trying to undo you.
After leaving an abusive narcissistic ex, I think my codependency transferred from him to our child. I'm realizing I have to fix this for my own mental health and to set a healthy example for her!! Thank you Stephanie!!!
I related to this post so much as the child rather than the parent. Really love knowing that they are people like you that realize this and try to not pass it on and rather give them the healthy life they deserve❤❤. Thanks for sharing this!
I've been practicing these steps for a couple years now and it has ended up me pretty much cutting everyone outta my life because I was surrounded by people sucking the life outta me. Now I feel lonely, unmotivated and not wanted. I feel like I might've went a lil overboard on the boundaries. 😬 I can't stop thinking about and feeling how I need someone in my life to motivate me to be productive in my day. Loneliness kills me. But I'm staying strong, not giving in and consistently trying to get myself to do more than enough. I feel stuck, somewhere in the middle of who I used to be and who I want to be. Thank you for you videos Stephanie. 💜
You are not alone Jenny, this is exactly how I feel, you hit the nail right on the head. Love to see another sister on the same journey as me. We got this.
@@jennycrumb I hope you have journeyed to a better place now Jenny. I truly hope you don't feel so lonely these days. What you've done is courageous and you deserve the rewards of a happy life.
@@beekinder6953 I am doing a lot better these days. I've slowly but surely put myself and what I want as a priority instead of catering to others desires. I had to figure out who I wanted to be first, which took a long while and constant consideration, so exhausting but worth it. I'm still on this journey and loneliness still hurts me from time to time but I feel like I have my own back and I'm there to support myself way way more than I used to. I love me, not only 'cause I'm me but because I've proven to myself that I'll be there for me when no one else is. 🥰 Thank you all for your sympathy & empathy. Knowing that others struggle with the same issues helps me feel like this is just part of this human experience that we all have to work through. 💜 Best wishes to all.
Something I've been telling myself lately when I want to jump in and fix someone's situation is that I'm just a band aid. I'll think I'm helping someone but the problem is deeper then that and they need to do something about it themselves. I can't just be someone's band aid every time.
I now realize how critical my mother was & how absent my father was. Wow! Such a winning combination. No wonder I need counseling & videos Mom was always there to point out my flaws 😔
Thank you! I’m the fixer & I want my loved ones to be happy, so I go over & above to make them happy 😖 . I’ve been used & I feel resentment. I’ve neglected myself for other people 😪 I know I have to change this behaviour.
I know a few people including a friend, who had the same dilemma... I pray that you realize now that it's ok to love on you, make yourself a priority and valuable individual so you can begin to treat yourself well TOO! 👍🏾
find whatever it is that you like doing the most and pursue it as a passion/purpose...this is advice I'm still applying myself but it is the best way IMO
I would start by treating yourself the way you would one of your loved ones. We are very good at protecting and providing for others.Time to return the favor to ourself. When you have accomplished something take time to give yourself that warm loving feeling of how proud you are. When you are down, comfort yourself with kind thoughts of how you will be there for yourself.
A traumatic situation happened to my partner and me. He has narcissist tendencies and I have codependent tendencies which stems from an innate feeling of not being enough. Everything you said in this video is spot on! The traumatic event happened. He folded in order to protect himself which meant neglecting me and not having an emotional tie to the situation, I overcompensated in fear that if I didn't 'compromise' I would lose him, and instead realized I was losing me. Anyway, now instead of focusing on the situation at hand and allowing it to unfold in a healthy way, I've found myself in fight or flight mode. But nope! I choose now to hunker down and be grounded within myself, and to feed myself with all the love I need to really heal from this traumatizing experience. Yay to self love!
Oh god it's so uncomfortable I didn't realise that's what I'm feeling I just cried because this is how it feels it's very distressing and I'm trying to tolerate it it's almost unbearable but I've got to get through it.
As a Real Estate Agent who also buys and sales houses , it’s difficult to not try and save the day. I have realized more and more that I need pull back after so much abuse. I had to realize I can save the world and that all money isn’t good money as well. The truth is some people love to suffer and complain , the don’t want help and I need to know the difference so I can have the energy to use my talent , gift Skill and abilities on those that are positive and deserve it.
Thank you! This really helps me. After 35 years of narcissistic abuse things are starting to make sense. I divorced my abuser, then he died, then my recovery began. I really appreciate your videos.
I’m just now on my journey to stop being codependent due to things I’ve gone through. It has been awkward and miserable because it’s so hard, and I honestly am not even sure where to start. Thank you for posting this. This helped honestly validate everything I’m feeling.
I hope you are doing well on the way to your recovery or that you have already recovered, i just saw your comment and thought id ask how are you getting along, i just discovered the word codependancy today and i will try to heal starting today!
I used to be the bird who felt to the ground. I didn't know I had wings. I have a borderline mother who taught me to believe that I was a bird who couldn't fly. I learned not to talk. I learned that I have no right to use my voice. I learned that other people were more important than I was. I learned that my value was in how good I could make other people feel, how good I could help others with their problems. it took 33 years to open my eyes. I have started my healing journey 4 years ago. I had to dig into long forgotten parts of myself, give voice to my pain and grieve all that I had lost. I cried so much but i knew I was sick and tired of molding my personality for the sake of other's opinions, feelings. Bit by bit, with slow and steady baby steps i've been changing how i view myself, how I talk to myself, what I allow and who I allow in my life. I'm no longer changing myself for others, I'm no longer trying to fit in. I'm no longer seeking for approval from others. You have to remember, give yourself time and be patient when things aren't easy. Peace.🙏
I was raised as a Christian and to say or even think "my happiness comes first" or "I come first" is the opposite of what I was taught. I took these lessons to heart and I'm sure I'm not alone in this mindset. How can you do what Jesus would do if you put yourself first? I think this is the biggest reason that I am codependent.
I understand what you are saying,as a Christian myself. I think the key is to realize that we can't help others if we don't first take care of ourselves. And the way we take care of ourselves is putting our relationship with God first,and letting Him fill us up with His love &validation first. It is up to Him to give us the energy to serve others. And also remember He loves us as much as everyone else &He wants us to be blessed too.😊
I'm really really happy you did this video. Can I tell you how on time this video is for me. I kept thinking why I wasn't good enough for my ex and if only he could see me now he would want me because my life more resembles "perfection". All trash thinking. You have been a big help to me overcoming codependency
Codependency and narcissism tend to come from the same emotional space of deep inner-wounding; both types of people are in a sense, equally wounded and damaged. The difference between them is that the codependent person has self-awareness. So in a sense, we could almost say that the codependent person is almost more accountable for their behavior, since they are capable of knowing what they are doing. Is it moral to willingly self-destruct? No, the codependent person is actually acting immorally at a deep level. The codependent person has to learn to take moral accountability for their destructive actions (even though that destruction is directed at the self and not other people). It is neither moral, nor wise, to go through yourself being weak-willed, and deliberately choosing the victim role. Unfortunately, western societies tend to encourage people to adopt codependent attitudes and them label that self-sacrifice as both moral and virtuous. And the bitter truth is that nothing could be less virtuous than the choice to be codependent. It's not an empathy thing; it's a will thing. We have to realize that, sometimes, it is far more empathetic to set down a boundary and force someone else to take accountability for their actions (assuming that person is not a narcissist).
oh wow, I haven't looked at it so far like that. If as children we haven't received love from our parents or approval and we had to please them to be loved and still didn't receive much, our child's cup was all the time empty. In adulthood we are still looking to fill this cup by other people, so we again try to please them and seek validation and approval from them, and we still do not get it. The solution - fill that cup yourself....As children we weren't able to fill our cup, this was our parents job, but as adults we ourselves have to fill this cup for our inner child. This inner child is still waiting and waiting...
I couldn’t have said this better myself! You hundred percent God that you absolutely have to fill your own cup out. That is you taking responsibility as a grown mature healthy adults to take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically,.
We worry about abandonment of others but worse is the abandonment of ourselves. I prefer now to be alone for most part and true to myself. I too took on others issues but now realize I robbed others to learn from these experiences. Thank you for your videos.
This video basically versed EVERYTHING I have been feeling and working through with my therapist. Wow, thank you. I still find it hard to not seek validation from the outside but am trying to work on it.
It’s definitely a practice… Just when you feel yourself wanting to please others or are doing too much ask yourself.. “do I want to do this?” “Why am I doing this?”
THIS VIDEO MAKES GOOD SENSE. I dated a narcissist who is in the mental health field ask me about my childhood and pushed my boundaries to find out everything. Then proceeded to love bomb me and groom me for abuse. As soon as the abuse started, I got right out. Of course, the grieving is bad. I was so upset I locked my keys in my car and spent 200 on a locksmith. I am sticking to my no contact but grieving so much. I am going to stay strong. Beware of dating people who are in the business of analyzing your mind.
I used to always say "I like my pond ripple free," and thought I was solution driven, always working towards a healthy relationship. It took me a long time to recognize that I was codependent. Still healing and doing so by spending time alone, loving and getting to really know myself. Day by day, breath by breath, moment to moment, step to step. Feeling and being and accepting and soothing.
no one has to like me. it’s not someone else’s responsibility to give me love, to validate what I’m feeling, to be okay with what I’m thinking or feeling. honor what I feel. making it okay to feel what I feel. my happiness is my responsibility. i don’t need someone to agree with me. #codependency
I’m not going to blame my mom no matter what because I know she did everything she could and I love her so much and I lost her 6 months ago. But I realize how I grew up. Absent father. 9 siblings, 3 of which were/are alcoholics, grew up poor and hungry and older siblings all either abandoned us or battling their own demons, mother doing everything she could to keep a roof over our heads. We just got by as best we could and we had to be strong for one another. Wow. Now I’m 23 and my two past relationships were so unhealthy. But I’m working on self healing and self love. Thank you 🙏🏼
I think I'm nearly there. Making progress. Parents emotionally unavailable as a child. Critical mother. In lots of ways mom is codependent, people pleaser, controlling and manipulative. For years, I was approval seeking from her. One day it occurred to me i was never going to get what I needed or wanted from her. She simply isnt capable and it was lost energy for me. Now my focus is mostly inward. I have fears when it comes to romantic relationships. Ones of not being accepted and of being abandoned. I am okay being alone. I've been emotionally alone nearly my entire life. This is the part I am currently working on at 52. Better late than never. I've been on this self discovery journey for 11 years now. It comes as it comes. Behaviors can be difficult to change. We just have to keep at it. Awareness didn't come soon enough. The rabbit hole runs deep.
In case you're wondering how codependent you are, you should take this quiz. It's totally worth taking a quiz to see how much help you're going to need(such as counselling etc) famous4love.com/profiles/codependency-quiz/
My mother passed when I was 14 I had no family to guide me. My mother was a people pleaser and she over gave. She never put her own needs first and that’s what I remember about her. I felt abandoned. I’ve always attracted avoidant attachment styles because I didn’t know I was codependent with an anxious attachment. I knew something was wrong with me and I had to find out because I didn’t feel normal. I began researching and educating myself and WOW! I was like there’s a name for these programs. Finally I’ve been shifting my reality and I don’t get anxious, I know how to set boundaries and I’ve learned to express my preferences, needs and deal breakers. It’s sad because when you don’t know you can ruin your own life. I do feel liberated.
“I’m surprised that a human being is capable of understanding how I feel” basically summarises my reaction to this video. My mind was blown and felt personally attacked but I really appreciate you making this video. I really needed this. Thank you :)
Maybe you want To help people because of your empathy And because you know what is like To be codipendent And It is painful so you want To help people To heal And Not let Them or yourself experience this any more...And that is awsome because this is The Way To make the world better. . The world needs more happy people And healing
Thanks for your response. I am glad that you agree. For the longest time we were taught that true love was unconditional and there are times when that type of love is appropriate. However there are some people that can take advantage of you because of your values. In those situations it is quite okay to not bind yourself by those very same principles. You are not closing the door on bad people. They close the door on themselves. Be good to the good and feel quite fine while walking away from the bad. Thanks again for your response
Dr. DjDebUsa International thank you very much for your response. It is always refreshing to know that you don’t stand alone when you feel disliking for hurtful individuals. Caring people should not have to feel cognitive dissonance because they feel that they are violating their values. Again I state; You are not abandoning others. They are painting themselves into a corner where people will even actually fear trying to help them anymore. Thanks again very much for your response
WoW 🙌🏻👏🏻 this has been the story of my life. Without realizing the core wound 🙄 I’m a true empath. I’ve always felt the other persons pain and wanted to help them at the expense of my own happiness but I honestly believe it cane from my love not from a place of void or wounding, or people pleasing. Omg so me...absolutely...I would try to help ppl to detriment of my emotional, physical and spiritual health. That’s when I realized I can’t help ppl whom don’t want to be helped. You can’t force ppl to heal when they’re not ready.
Validate your feelings 4:40 that's good stuff. I have to acknowledge the feeling, the reason from it, and then move thru it thru Christ. My burden is too much for one person to heal from, my strength and courage comes from the Lord. God bless yall and your relationships 🙏 🙌 ❤️
My parents were wonderful parents, but they never taught me any boundaries. My dear mom is now 91 years old and was always very co-dependent and most definitely a people pleaser with zero boundaries herself. Therefore, I now realize that I also learned the same from her and have always attracted dysfunctional or co-dependent men. I’m a work in progress one day at a time and I thank you so much for your videos which are helping me tremendously. Blessings from Miami, FL. 🌹
My parents' relationship was rocky when I was a kid. My mom was always threatening to leave but she also leaned on me a lot to be her sounding board. I think that gave me a saviour complex, having to parent my parent. I'm an HSP and my mom is a narcissist but I feel she's getting better.
Eloquently put that these issues can stem often from an emotional disconnect with a parent. It isn't from a place of hate, lack of love, but just the lack of reciprocal connection at a young age. I have loving parents, wonderful in almost every way imaginable. That said, I've spent 25 years seeking, yes man-ing, and metaphorically sacrificing myself for a love and approval that I need to be able to give myself, and wasn't. This isn't my parents fault, but we didn't connect emotionally, thank you for showing me this. That emotional isolation has led to a widening void, but it is liberating knowing that I don't need to fill that void with emotions of other people. Anyone I posed to try to fill the void for me was always going to be set up for failure. What an awful fate that sets for the people I love most. Well 2022, off to a good start. Acceptance is hard, but im here now. Thank you for this video. My sincerest gratitude.
Awesome advice! I was married to two narcissistic men and tried so hard to be perfect for them yet it eventually tore me down. I’m on the path to put myself first for healthy reasons!
It is an honor to see the result of a beautiful human being getting up from the past and receiving every day as a champion, happy and strong no matter what! Thank you for giving that knowledge and passion to the world!
Thank you for this, I am still working on honoring myself and my feelings. I tend to choose to keep my mouth shut to keep someone in my life that isn't respecting or honoring my feelings. I think a lot of the reason also that I don't get respect from some people is because I don't respect myself and I am used to feeling hurt and conditioned to feel like I am not that important so it becomes familiar to me.
Thanks Stephanie ❤. Your information is helpful. I have allowed people to step all over me and they continue to do and they feel it's their right to do so. What makes it difficult is the kids being used as bait in all this, and they look at me as the one who is overreacting to everything. They don't see the abuser.
Thank you Stephanie! I recently broke up with my gf, and I am struggling with loneliness and the inability to meet my own needs. It has been very painful, but it is a learning I must do. Your video has brought me some concrete advice in how to heal. Thank you very much
Yes, this is more what I want. I like how tos,not talking about the Narc constantly. You are exceptionally gifted and articulate! Superb suggestions. Very clear, better than most.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS " HEALTHY narcissism! Codependency takes setting healthy boundaries, but #1 wanting to love yourself, instead of people pleasing and caring more for OTHERS THAN SELF!! QUIT DENYING THE SELF!! YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR FEELINGS, HEARING YOURSELF, LISTENING TO SELF , VALIDATING THE SELF.
Of course there is…Narcissism in childhood is what helps us to inviduate and separate..it’s what helps us to develop healthy self belief about ourselves.
My mom was the most Unselfish person I ever meant. I was taught honesty, fairness, trustworthy. Not mean, disrespectful, dehumanizing, self-centered, no empathy. Down rite Nasty human being. Very inconsiderate. Never saw it coming. Saw some things, but ignored, hoping they would go away, couldn’t believe what was happening. Detached & observed. Boy did I pick-up a lot!!!!!!!!!
Simply put, internal > external. Great video and may all of us codependents get stronger, focus on ourselves more, honor our boundaries, and continue to positively impact everyone around us.
The need to fix people can cause the other person to feel insecure, and I have been with a good man that attempted to validate me, but my toxic behavior wouldn’t allow myself to believe him, and I learned I would try to fix things that weren’t problems yet (probably wouldn’t have been). I was raised by a narcissistic father and had other relationships with narcissists. It wasn’t until I saw how me being codependent hurt my ex…that I realized I was a big part of the problem. I never wanted to hurt him. Working on myself to be better, and forgiving myself for the damage done. Thank you for your video.
This is the best explanation of codependency out there. Too many therapists always try to pin it to substances and that’s just not right. I know a few codependents and they don’t even drink much less do heavy drugs. The addiction is in making other people happy at their own loss. It’s like a misled love of self sacrifice and I think they just get so used to suffering that it becomes comforting in a way. But it’s very hard to fix. It’s like telling someone to stop thinking about food ever again. Impossible.
Thank you so much!!! You are just saving me, teaching me a lot and I can say that you are one of the reasons I am in the place I am in today. Still working on myself but the progress that I have made is amazing, a lot because of you. And well, me. 😊
I think "healthy self-interest" might be the term that fits. To call it narcissism diminishes a truly harmful disorder. I love the message! Explains so much of how good people repeatedly end up in bad situations...
OMG Coach it's like you've came and took a look at my past life. It's because God, your videos and some others that I've been able to grow and flourish!!! Thanks!!!
I had an abusive father who blamed and beat up my mom for every wrong that took place in his life. I remember my mom asking me to shut up and just do things the way my father wanted... her typical statement was "if you don't do this then I'll be beaten for it." I guess the idea of saving my mother or rescuing her from her husband brought about this co-dependency in me. All this time I thought of myself as the good samaritan and couldn't understand what was so wrong about it. It's so unfortunate that I wasn't taught about self love. I hope kids are taught this in school.
Omg .you just described me.I’m so ashamed of myself because I have all the trates of a narcissist.the things you said made me cry because I know now it all derived from my past of parental abandonment from both.I’m determined to work on this.thank you for bringing light to this.a real Angel.
This information is so important for me and other codependents to hear. Thank you for creating these videos, you help arm us with knowledge to grow and be better, more whole people.
Thank you so much It’s so hard for me, I don’t know how I just pray and ask for help I always pick boyfriends that in healthy They aren’t lovely and able to give me valuation I feel pain in every relationship Thank you so much!
I never knew it was okay to feel the way I feel. My whole life it was just this feeling of, that's just me - this is why I am hard to live with - this is why nobody wanted me around. Now, I am realizing it isn't my feelings, it is what I have been doing with them. Having a little girl that has the same "big feelings" that mommy does, really gets me wanting to be better with managing my feelings, so I can be in a better place to help her with hers. She gets upset, screaming hysterically.. her Dad yells at her, Go to your room if you want to scream. I tell her, no, we don't scream. I know you are upset, and it is okay to be upset. If you want to talk about it, or if you need a hug I am here and I love you. I am trying to be there for my kids - emotionally because I grew up with being sent to my room - or beaten etc when I "acted out". I want better for my kids. I don't want them to scream louder because they feel nobody is listening, or to bottle it because they think it is or they are invalid. Thank you, for your coaching and help. I promise you, you are helping generations. *hugs*
I had to make a conscious effort & practice saying no to people. The thought of saying no absolutely terrified me, made me feel like I was forced into a confrontation & I would just say yes always to save myself the anxiety of saying no. Then I would be completely exhausted running around doing everything for everyone else & annoyed at myself for neglecting my own schedule & plans. Now I’ve learnt (the hard way) you can’t help someone who doesn’t want & try to help themselves.. I choose very wisely who I want to help these days.
I never thought of myself as codependent, I always have put others emotional needs before myself and feel guilty if I put my feeling before theirs. I don't have abandonment problems but I recently was broken up with by my girlfriend of 9 months and I've found myself thinking that I need to find someone to attach my emotions to. I learned a lot from this, thank you!
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Now that I'm an adult I can see that the way my mother raised me really set me up to be a codependent. The way she raised me growing up (to be a people-pleaser, never taught me about boundaries) really made me the perfect target for narcissists and emotional abusers.
Same, I resent her a lot. It's really hard for me to be around her, but she doesn't understand. She still tries to tell me how to act, and I'm 34 now. 😣
The same thing with me my mom never validated my emotions.And i felt like if I did more things for her she woukd be nicer to me but she wasn't.
Yes I grew up walking on eggshells. Never ever allowed your own feelings and never were allowed opinions in any discussion. My stepfather didn't like my sister so she had to go. My brother is a narc. I'm a people please/ codependent. My mom catered to my stepdad and did whatever he wanted. I learned to keep my mouth shut and putting His needs at all times. Trying get out of a toxic relationship now.
Were the same :p i am always the one who apologize
Yeah but u have a brain of your own right? So use it and stop blaming your mother
Your videos gave me the strength to leave my boyfriend of 5.5 years today... thank you. It was an extremely emotionally abusive relationship
Congrats to you!! This is a great one to watch, I wish I would've seen this before I ended mine (only 1 year together), it turned into an emotional disaster. But that's ok ☺️
Well done and I hope you recover soon Nikki, My girlfriend left me twice to an abusive man yet I treated her with love and affection. I was mentally abused, and my bank account emptied,
This was the thanks I got after three and a half years.
Nikki glows you were always strong, I’m on a self journey after being put through emotional turmoil and I just hope nothing but good for you too
I don't know who you are but I'm proud of you. This is so hard to do but I hope you now have peace in your heart
Nikki glows - hoping you made the right decision. I had my narcissistic ex who was also diagnosed with BPD leave me a year ago. I’m almost through it all after a tough 12 mths and found out after only 2 mths she slept with someone else even when we were still living under the same roof. It’s been tough but sending you love & hugs all the way from Australia. Francois xox
I'm a fixer and selfless. It has brought me nothing but pain the last few relationships. I have allowed my girlfriends to manipulate me and just make me feel like I'm not good enough. Thankfully watching your videos and doing self soothing work has me realizing that I am better off without them. So thank you.
I can relate with my exes
I hear ya man. Anytime we feel we have to "prove' ourselves, it's inevitably an unhealthy dynamic. Focusing all the energy we'd typically put on others onto ourselves works wonders. It's virtually always difficult not only setting, but enforcing our boundaries, as well as wanting to jump in and help fix others as people pleasers. And yes sir, we are all better off without anyone who manipulates or takes advantage of our kind heartedness.
@@MichyGW I'm sorry you are going through this stuff too.
@@NigelJ Yeah. the more i watch of Stephanie's videos, the more things are triggered that I missed.
@Hunt Simple Very much an empath. Constantly told I was too sensitive or paranoid about things. But clearly, I was right when she got backed into a corner and had to tell me she had been lying to me.
People pleasers have to understand including myself that you can’t help a person who doesn’t want to be helped or feels like they don’t need help.
This hit me hard. I do this.
So true!
This is a word I needed right now.
i always have to say to myself now whenever i feel compelled to help someone “not my monkeys, not my circus”
Yes.
Thx a ton.
1. Self sooth/ love n stand up for ur own wants n feelings.
2. Learn to say no
3. Stop fixing others problems at ur own cost.
Just what I was looking for. Thanks!
I would like to add. Fill your own cup and take care of yourself. Put yourself 1st. Your Happiness is your Responsibility.
When your putting more effort towards other people's problems or life than they're willing to, that's another sign to me of codependency.
yess
Yes that is the truth
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
That’s me and my eyes are open to it.
I believe I have codependency because an abandonment issues around not having a father and my mother putting boyfriends what I felt before me as a child. And people pleaser yes it's carried over I'm very empathetic as well and you help me in our stand how I can blur it. I've seen counseling before and today I just made an appointment had an assessment I'll meet with Case Manager soon and then I'll get psych eval to determine my mental status at this point. My girlfriend of 3 months I felt was seeking other men's attention for her validation and it made me feel insecure and not valued, we're both in recovery and I work really hard to get where I'm at but she's just starting the process so but she has three years sober. She says she loves me but the behavior continued we talked about it and then I saw it again a week ago so I decided to pull the plug on it I want her to recover and I want to recover and be happy whole and healthy within my own self. With the help of a tribe A Village and a most importantly my God I will get better.
God healed me of the spirit of abandonment. He said He will never leave me or forsake me. He is not like man that He shall lie.
Amen. I am crying to God to free me. Thank you for your testimony
I think some of our 'people-pleasing' comes from our desire to please God. We serve others for the sake of God. He tells us to do unto others as we would have them do for us; we love our neighbor as ourselves; we love even our enemies etc. I honestly feel that I'm not doing it to gain people's favor; I'm doing it to gain God's favor. And surely He will compensate us for anything we lost or suffered in the process, either in this life or the one to come, God-willing.
God is real
God is true thanku father
Thank you for this message. You are right!!! God is all one needs.
No purer Love 💖
I'm a recovering codependent/empath many failed relationships from unhealthy choices with substance abusers and narcissists. desperate for acceptance and Love my mother was critical ..emotionally absent and verbally abusive. in my sixties now and no longer looking outside for love and validation. I'm free !!!
I feel it's scarier now that I'm older. Good for you on healing. Hopefully i can get there one day
Congrats! This is absolutely wonderful! I'm proud of you!
@@Tracylyn42 I have my moments it's a lifelong process old habits die hard but at least I'm aware now and can see red flags with my needs and others.
@@isadoreanabelle3449 thank you. It's a painful process but I'm so self aware. I'm still living with PTSD and painful reminders. I don't think that ever leaves us.
Deborrah Oliveri I am soooo happy to hear that! I am on recovering too. Lofe will be much better, brighter, and peaceful from now on. No more narcs, players, abusers in ny life! About me? No more a people pleaser/codependet/empath(to those who do not deserve it). All the best!
I’m CHOOSING to put my past behind me and create a new life to me from NOW ON.
Blessy DM,You deserve better 🙏🙏🙏
🎉❤
Thank you for this FREE therapy session the world needs more people like you .
jaliahla hawkins , yes she is!!! I’ve felt so alone and she has helped me so much. I’m not good with words because I’ve grown up with friends who told I was too shy and dumb. It really shaped and hurt me into my adulthood.
Watching Stephanie’s videos has really helped and helped me learn to love myself slowly.
I’m a very emotional person, and I have a lot love to give.
Yes thanku
I AM THE LOVE OF MY LIFE by Horacio Jones: amzn.to/33PyeNp
The reason it is so easy to love others and hard to understand how to love ourselves is because we do not know the ends and outs of another person but we know every single thing about ourselves and that makes it a little difficult to love such a conflicted person...little do we know "conflicted" is normal. We owe ourselves a full understanding and more knowledge on self love. After making self love my NUMBER 1 priority, I came across an amazing author who takes you through all the challenges that has destroyed the opportunity of self love. His book is a GAME CHANGER!!! I recommend anyone who wants to TRULY destroy all the blocks of self love to READ THIS BOOK!! I promise it takes so much weight off your shoulder and puts you on a path to let NO ONE AND NOTHING get in the way of loving yourself, which in the end leads to a life of ABUNDANCE because you REALIZE.......YOU ARE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!!
Yeah free therapy to just one person of her choosing! It's a bit disheartening if everyone hopes for this and would benefit from a real therapy session and no one gets picked but a truck driver from New Delhi manages to get it just to talk about his work carrear and how it takes off. What about all the other subscribers? You're all in competition with each other hoping and or thinking is she going to pick me? The deal should be at least ten people of her choosing so people have a real shot at getting some kind of therapy to get some advice they desperately need.
@@aybaybay5432 din
"My happiness is my responsibility."
Damn. If only I'd thought that instead of placing happiness on my ex and her behaviours. Dear oh dear. I failed miserably.
You know it now 🙌
You're not alone. This used to be me
same dude. same.
Me too man.. it's horrible when they leave you like this
feel the same too
Thank you so much for your help!!!! I can’t afford therapy and you have no idea how much your helping me be so aware!!!
Same Here 😊
Yahaira Sagastume , I’m too afraid to go to a therapist. I’m afraid of opening up and speaking.
I’m very happy that with the kids I’m gonna I’ve had had to to come to the the
I’m I’m I’m going
I’m very happy to to see see
It's so important for parents to validate their children's feelings. To invalidate them is simply another form of cruelty inflicted on children.
"No one has to agree with me" GIRL. The day i accept this is the day my life changes. I'm not there yet 🤣
This is a POWERFUL video. Thank you 🙏🏾
Really good information. You cannot give your all to someone unless you have respect for yourself. The idea is to love your neighbour as yourself, not love your neighbour and hate yourselves. Thanks
hi intj, I used to get it backward almost instinctively, not loving others the way I had already fully and rightly loved myself, instead loving others as I wished to receive love, and sometimes the way I thought they needed love, and rarely and still dysfunctionally the way they actually wanted to be loved, but still absent any demand for the same in return.
Oh my, that rant gave me a headache, your comment triggered me. How does that fit in with what I just wrote? Seriouslt, I'm dizzy idk. I'm off.
I think my comment coincides with your comment unless I not interpreting your message correctly. The object is to have balance between a person having self respect and having a mutual respect for others until they prove themselves to be taking advantage of you. As to if you feel that I am just repeating the views of the speaker it is to my way of showing that I understand what it is that they are trying to communicate to me. I hope that this helps you with your question. Thanks for your response
Took 50 plus yrs, to figure out I can love myself for just who I am and seek people who enjoy my company. Don’t try so hard anymore.
Just am enjoying life more...not so worried about the outcome.
Connie Lipa I’m right behind you at 40 years... the last sentence in your statement is my current life. ❤️
Connie Lipa,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀,You don't deserve to be with toxic people!!
I put up two simple boundaries with my fiancé & he ran off almost a month ago. It hurts so bad that I keep attracting narcs & they mistreat & then discard me. I’m happy for information like this. I realize that I need to heal & work on myself before I ever think of dating. I hate how damaged I am.
Pae Pae Thank u for ur messages. If I learned anything from this experience, it’s just that. I never will allow my boundaries to be crossed & I’ll pay attention to red flags.
I feel for you. Hang in there💕
V Annur you are not damaged, you are hurt and you need to recreate your foundational beliefs. It’s hard to give kids security if our society and parents don’t have it or don’t even know that they’re not loving us how we need it versus what they know. We just need to honor ourselves as divine and ask what we need first and foremost, learn to love us, and then all will be well. And it’s ok to try and fail, just make sure you try again and fail forward. Every step you take is a step in the right direction. Be fearless, beautiful! You are so worth it
Gabby Caceres thank u for ur kind & insightful comment 💗 I have since, luckily stumbled upon a bunch of very helpful information while seeking my path to healing. The information I’ve found has helped me to grow in so many ways. I’m content to b without a partner currently & enjoying discovering the good, along with the bad & dysfunctional patterns learned in childhood. I’m learning how, as u put it, to honor the divine in self.
@@va8196 i'm glad :) happy healing! xx
I am a co-dependent poster child. Grew up never being enough..severe emotional and mental abuse from parents and siblings...I take on everyone's problems..I end up fixing or atleast trying to fix everyone's life and make everyone happy. It's gotten me nowhere. Thank you for this video✨
thanks for sharing that as it makes sense why I sometimes unconsciously do what I do in fixing others. certainly learn about one of my hangups since last year and its co dependency
First step is awereness ! So if you re here ... Work, feel and you ll get over it
@J OneLife I'm the scapegoat in my family and outside of my family basically everywhere I go people can't wait to take me down I don't understand I speak up they attack like a pack of hungry wolves
stilababe 09 You’re too sensitive, lighten up. If this statement pisses you off then you were emotionally abused, scapegoated.
Stilababe. You are worthy!!! Love you!
@@koolbeans8292 ookoõoookkokoõookk koooõckoaooolõõòõõooõö
4:21 You are responsible for your own happiness, no one else Validate your feelings 5:20 Decide how you want to feel 7:14 STOP! Its not your job to put someone else's needs and wants ahead of your own. 10:20 Know what YOU want, honor yourself, stand up for yourself 11:40 Oxygen Mask Principle 12:05 Let go of the need to fix others 12:49 *Understand* that Everyone is on Their Own journey 13:29 You can't make anyone happy or make them love you 14:43 You Have To have the Self Awareness of when you are Entering into Codependency - How do YOU feel, What do YOU want?
4 minutes in and I’m already crying. This really hits home. I’m so codependent it’s ridiculous and I feel as if I’ll never be able to break the cycle. I’m trying so hard.
My inner critic has my mother's voice....you're absolutely correct about how wonderful it is to liberate yourself from that voice.
Me too... My inner voice... Sounds like my mother....
Yes!!! We're always harder on ourselves, so difficult to break away.
You got that right sister.
When someone asks you to do something
You do it anyways
You don’t want to do it but you do it
You don’t do it but you feel like you are a horrible person
Yes!!! I do this! I try to fix other's problems even when it's not mine to fix. I still struggle with putting myself first.
That's me 💔
Me
And if you voice that then you're accused of being fake in the first place. But even u don't even know why u do it because it has been hard wired into your programming from a very very young age. And yes fear is a big factor. I'm learning it's okay to be judged or criticised or accused, as long as you can validate your feelings for yourself.
How to overcome codependency:
1. Tell people what you want
2. Letting go of fixing others and force lessons for others
3. Self awareness
I didn't mean to put myself in this situation. I just gave her all my time, all my money and all my love. I didn't realize that would make me codependent. You live, you learn. I hate no one, altho8g6h at one point I hated myself for my actions and who I had become. I have crawled out of the hole i built and it feels good to see the sun again. Your videos have helped many, including myself. Thank you always..
So nice to see you succeeded in getting rid of your codependency
What did you actually do to fix it??? I understand I need to accept myself and trust my feelings. But how do you actually put it into action and do it?
100% resonated with this...sending you love...
I am definitely a love seeker
Addicted to getting approval from my family, an spouse. If he doesn't approve of my decisions or me..i feel lost. I lost my identity long time ago. ..but I have been reconnecting with my self, and know my spouse is very angry with me,an has become verbally aggressive, and abusive! He says i cant make it without him..it hurts so bad the way he attacks my self esteem! I am scared to loose him,but I cant loose myself!
My spouse served me divorce papers and I am so happy. I am happy to leave his world and build my world. Please take care of you! Don't live your life wanting to please someone who is trying to undo you.
"what do I need, how do I feel"
Going to start asking myself this everyday now. Thank you!
So hard to break the cycle 😩
Especially when it’s subconscious
i'm codependent.I'm working on it.thanks steph.
I cried through this whole video. This was my first step in even tackling this issue.
After leaving an abusive narcissistic ex, I think my codependency transferred from him to our child. I'm realizing I have to fix this for my own mental health and to set a healthy example for her!! Thank you Stephanie!!!
I related to this post so much as the child rather than the parent. Really love knowing that they are people like you that realize this and try to not pass it on and rather give them the healthy life they deserve❤❤. Thanks for sharing this!
I've been practicing these steps for a couple years now and it has ended up me pretty much cutting everyone outta my life because I was surrounded by people sucking the life outta me. Now I feel lonely, unmotivated and not wanted. I feel like I might've went a lil overboard on the boundaries. 😬 I can't stop thinking about and feeling how I need someone in my life to motivate me to be productive in my day. Loneliness kills me. But I'm staying strong, not giving in and consistently trying to get myself to do more than enough. I feel stuck, somewhere in the middle of who I used to be and who I want to be. Thank you for you videos Stephanie. 💜
Practice self love more and more. Do things that you really enjoy. A lot can be done alone and still feeling bliss.
You are not alone Jenny, this is exactly how I feel, you hit the nail right on the head. Love to see another sister on the same journey as me. We got this.
🥰 I'm doing better. I kinda enjoy being alone at times now. Way less drama. You're right, we got this! 💪
@@jennycrumb I hope you have journeyed to a better place now Jenny. I truly hope you don't feel so lonely these days. What you've done is courageous and you deserve the rewards of a happy life.
@@beekinder6953 I am doing a lot better these days. I've slowly but surely put myself and what I want as a priority instead of catering to others desires. I had to figure out who I wanted to be first, which took a long while and constant consideration, so exhausting but worth it. I'm still on this journey and loneliness still hurts me from time to time but I feel like I have my own back and I'm there to support myself way way more than I used to. I love me, not only 'cause I'm me but because I've proven to myself that I'll be there for me when no one else is. 🥰 Thank you all for your sympathy & empathy. Knowing that others struggle with the same issues helps me feel like this is just part of this human experience that we all have to work through. 💜 Best wishes to all.
Something I've been telling myself lately when I want to jump in and fix someone's situation is that I'm just a band aid. I'll think I'm helping someone but the problem is deeper then that and they need to do something about it themselves. I can't just be someone's band aid every time.
Good point of view! I am gonna keep this with me.
This is helpful, thanks for sharing
“How do I feel?” “What do I want?”
Doesnt mean they were alcoholics, drug addicts or beat us. That is my past. Finally, somebody has my number. Thank you.
I now realize how critical my mother was & how absent my father was. Wow! Such a winning combination. No wonder I need counseling & videos Mom was always there to point out my flaws 😔
Thank you! I’m the fixer & I want my loved ones to be happy, so I go over & above to make them happy 😖 . I’ve been used & I feel resentment. I’ve neglected myself for other people 😪 I know I have to change this behaviour.
I know a few people including a friend, who had the same dilemma... I pray that you realize now that it's ok to love on you, make yourself a priority and valuable individual so you can begin to treat yourself well TOO! 👍🏾
When codependency is all you’ve known, how does decide what they want or need? It’s as if I’ve lost myself needing to discover the real me.
I relate 💯
This is 100% me
Best question ever ugh same here
find whatever it is that you like doing the most and pursue it as a passion/purpose...this is advice I'm still applying myself but it is the best way IMO
I would start by treating yourself the way you would one of your loved ones. We are very good at protecting and providing for others.Time to return the favor to ourself. When you have accomplished something take time to give yourself that warm loving feeling of how proud you are. When you are down, comfort yourself with kind thoughts of how you will be there for yourself.
I just cried so much, it’s so true, I didn’t even realise I was co-dependant until recently. Your videos help a lot. Thank you
A traumatic situation happened to my partner and me. He has narcissist tendencies and I have codependent tendencies which stems from an innate feeling of not being enough.
Everything you said in this video is spot on!
The traumatic event happened. He folded in order to protect himself which meant neglecting me and not having an emotional tie to the situation, I overcompensated in fear that if I didn't 'compromise' I would lose him, and instead realized I was losing me.
Anyway, now instead of focusing on the situation at hand and allowing it to unfold in a healthy way, I've found myself in fight or flight mode.
But nope! I choose now to hunker down and be grounded within myself, and to feed myself with all the love I need to really heal from this traumatizing experience.
Yay to self love!
Oh how I understand that “ If I don’t compromise, I’ll lose him”. It’s terrible
Oh god it's so uncomfortable I didn't realise that's what I'm feeling I just cried because this is how it feels it's very distressing and I'm trying to tolerate it it's almost unbearable but I've got to get through it.
As a Real Estate Agent who also buys and sales houses , it’s difficult to not try and save the day. I have realized more and more that I need pull back after so much abuse. I had to realize I can save the world and that all money isn’t good money as well. The truth is some people love to suffer and complain , the don’t want help and I need to know the difference so I can have the energy to use my talent , gift Skill and abilities on those that are positive and deserve it.
Thank you! This really helps me. After 35 years of narcissistic abuse things are starting to make sense.
I divorced my abuser, then he died, then my recovery began.
I really appreciate your videos.
I’m just now on my journey to stop being codependent due to things I’ve gone through. It has been awkward and miserable because it’s so hard, and I honestly am not even sure where to start. Thank you for posting this. This helped honestly validate everything I’m feeling.
I hope you are doing well on the way to your recovery or that you have already recovered, i just saw your comment and thought id ask how are you getting along, i just discovered the word codependancy today and i will try to heal starting today!
Same here....on the journey to a peaceful life♡
It is hard to be alone so often to avoid toxic people isnt it?
I used to be the bird who felt to the ground. I didn't know I had wings.
I have a borderline mother who taught me to believe that I was a bird who couldn't fly.
I learned not to talk. I learned that I have no right to use my voice.
I learned that other people were more important than I was.
I learned that my value was in how good I could make other people feel, how good I could help others with their problems.
it took 33 years to open my eyes.
I have started my healing journey 4 years ago.
I had to dig into long forgotten parts of myself, give voice to my pain and grieve all that I had lost.
I cried so much but i knew I was sick and tired of molding my personality for the sake of other's opinions, feelings.
Bit by bit, with slow and steady baby steps i've been changing how i view myself, how I talk to myself, what I allow and who I allow in my life.
I'm no longer changing myself for others, I'm no longer trying to fit in.
I'm no longer seeking for approval from others.
You have to remember, give yourself time and be patient when things aren't easy.
Peace.🙏
I was raised as a Christian and to say or even think "my happiness comes first" or "I come first" is the opposite of what I was taught. I took these lessons to heart and I'm sure I'm not alone in this mindset. How can you do what Jesus would do if you put yourself first? I think this is the biggest reason that I am codependent.
I understand what you are saying,as a Christian myself. I think the key is to realize that we can't help others if we don't first take care of ourselves. And the way we take care of ourselves is putting our relationship with God first,and letting Him fill us up with His love &validation first. It is up to Him to give us the energy to serve others. And also remember He loves us as much as everyone else &He wants us to be blessed too.😊
Now I know why I keep attracting certain relationships, thank you ❤️
I'm really really happy you did this video. Can I tell you how on time this video is for me. I kept thinking why I wasn't good enough for my ex and if only he could see me now he would want me because my life more resembles "perfection". All trash thinking. You have been a big help to me overcoming codependency
Codependency and narcissism tend to come from the same emotional space of deep inner-wounding; both types of people are in a sense, equally wounded and damaged. The difference between them is that the codependent person has self-awareness. So in a sense, we could almost say that the codependent person is almost more accountable for their behavior, since they are capable of knowing what they are doing. Is it moral to willingly self-destruct? No, the codependent person is actually acting immorally at a deep level.
The codependent person has to learn to take moral accountability for their destructive actions (even though that destruction is directed at the self and not other people). It is neither moral, nor wise, to go through yourself being weak-willed, and deliberately choosing the victim role. Unfortunately, western societies tend to encourage people to adopt codependent attitudes and them label that self-sacrifice as both moral and virtuous. And the bitter truth is that nothing could be less virtuous than the choice to be codependent. It's not an empathy thing; it's a will thing. We have to realize that, sometimes, it is far more empathetic to set down a boundary and force someone else to take accountability for their actions (assuming that person is not a narcissist).
oh wow, I haven't looked at it so far like that. If as children we haven't received love from our parents or approval and we had to please them to be loved and still didn't receive much, our child's cup was all the time empty. In adulthood we are still looking to fill this cup by other people, so we again try to please them and seek validation and approval from them, and we still do not get it. The solution - fill that cup yourself....As children we weren't able to fill our cup, this was our parents job, but as adults we ourselves have to fill this cup for our inner child. This inner child is still waiting and waiting...
I couldn’t have said this better myself! You hundred percent God that you absolutely have to fill your own cup out. That is you taking responsibility as a grown mature healthy adults to take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically,.
Wonderfully said!
@@StephanieLynCoaching I need your advice on something..:)
Well said! I am trying desperately to fill my adult cup!
We worry about abandonment of others but worse is the abandonment of ourselves. I prefer now to be alone for most part and true to myself. I too took on others issues but now realize I robbed others to learn from these experiences. Thank you for your videos.
d s,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!😍😍😍😍😊🤙
This video basically versed EVERYTHING I have been feeling and working through with my therapist. Wow, thank you. I still find it hard to not seek validation from the outside but am trying to work on it.
It’s definitely a practice… Just when you feel yourself wanting to please others or are doing too much ask yourself.. “do I want to do this?” “Why am I doing this?”
THIS VIDEO MAKES GOOD SENSE. I dated a narcissist who is in the mental health field ask me about my childhood and pushed my boundaries to find out everything. Then proceeded to love bomb me and groom me for abuse. As soon as the abuse started, I got right out. Of course, the grieving is bad. I was so upset I locked my keys in my car and spent 200 on a locksmith. I am sticking to my no contact but grieving so much. I am going to stay strong. Beware of dating people who are in the business of analyzing your mind.
I needed this so badly!!! A COMPLETE EYE OPENER for me!!!! Love from India!!!!
I used to always say "I like my pond ripple free," and thought I was solution driven, always working towards a healthy relationship. It took me a long time to recognize that I was codependent. Still healing and doing so by spending time alone, loving and getting to really know myself. Day by day, breath by breath, moment to moment, step to step. Feeling and being and accepting and soothing.
no one has to like me. it’s not someone else’s responsibility to give me love, to validate what I’m feeling, to be okay with what I’m thinking or feeling. honor what I feel. making it okay to feel what I feel. my happiness is my responsibility.
i don’t need someone to agree with me.
#codependency
I’m not going to blame my mom no matter what because I know she did everything she could and I love her so much and I lost her 6 months ago. But I realize how I grew up. Absent father. 9 siblings, 3 of which were/are alcoholics, grew up poor and hungry and older siblings all either abandoned us or battling their own demons, mother doing everything she could to keep a roof over our heads. We just got by as best we could and we had to be strong for one another. Wow. Now I’m 23 and my two past relationships were so unhealthy. But I’m working on self healing and self love. Thank you 🙏🏼
I’m mind boggled by people who thumbs down her videos really 🤦🏾♀️ ? She is an AMAZING coach. I love her videos Thank you 😊
Yes me too, it is exhausting and aggravating.
I think I'm nearly there. Making progress. Parents emotionally unavailable as a child. Critical mother. In lots of ways mom is codependent, people pleaser, controlling and manipulative. For years, I was approval seeking from her. One day it occurred to me i was never going to get what I needed or wanted from her. She simply isnt capable and it was lost energy for me. Now my focus is mostly inward. I have fears when it comes to romantic relationships. Ones of not being accepted and of being abandoned. I am okay being alone. I've been emotionally alone nearly my entire life. This is the part I am currently working on at 52. Better late than never. I've been on this self discovery journey for 11 years now. It comes as it comes. Behaviors can be difficult to change. We just have to keep at it. Awareness didn't come soon enough. The rabbit hole runs deep.
I can relate to this video so much, especially wanting to fix and help
In case you're wondering how codependent you are, you should take this quiz. It's totally worth taking a quiz to see how much help you're going to need(such as counselling etc) famous4love.com/profiles/codependency-quiz/
My mother passed when I was 14 I had no family to guide me. My mother was a people pleaser and she over gave. She never put her own needs first and that’s what I remember about her. I felt abandoned. I’ve always attracted avoidant attachment styles because I didn’t know I was codependent with an anxious attachment. I knew something was wrong with me and I had to find out because I didn’t feel normal. I began researching and educating myself and WOW! I was like there’s a name for these programs. Finally I’ve been shifting my reality and I don’t get anxious, I know how to set boundaries and I’ve learned to express my preferences, needs and deal breakers. It’s sad because when you don’t know you can ruin your own life. I do feel liberated.
“I’m surprised that a human being is capable of understanding how I feel” basically summarises my reaction to this video. My mind was blown and felt personally attacked but I really appreciate you making this video. I really needed this. Thank you :)
Maybe you want To help people because of your empathy And because you know what is like To be codipendent And It is painful so you want To help people To heal And Not let Them or yourself experience this any more...And that is awsome because this is The Way To make the world better. . The world needs more happy people And healing
Thanks for your response. I am glad that you agree. For the longest time we were taught that true love was unconditional and there are times when that type of love is appropriate. However there are some people that can take advantage of you because of your values. In those situations it is quite okay to not bind yourself by those very same principles. You are not closing the door on bad people. They close the door on themselves. Be good to the good and feel quite fine while walking away from the bad. Thanks again for your response
Dr. DjDebUsa International thank you very much for your response. It is always refreshing to know that you don’t stand alone when you feel disliking for hurtful individuals. Caring people should not have to feel cognitive dissonance because they feel that they are violating their values. Again I state; You are not abandoning others. They are painting themselves into a corner where people will even actually fear trying to help them anymore. Thanks again very much for your response
Thanks for the thumbs up 👍. I appreciate all constructive feedback.
Really helps! Divorce after 40 yrs. Always took care of everyone else and not myself. Thanks for motivation and seeing what I need to do for ME!
Karen E,You deserve better 🙏🙏🙏
WoW 🙌🏻👏🏻 this has been the story of my life. Without realizing the core wound 🙄 I’m a true empath. I’ve always felt the other persons pain and wanted to help them at the expense of my own happiness but I honestly believe it cane from my love not from a place of void or wounding, or people pleasing. Omg so me...absolutely...I would try to help ppl to detriment of my emotional, physical and spiritual health. That’s when I realized I can’t help ppl whom don’t want to be helped. You can’t force ppl to heal when they’re not ready.
This hit the exact moment in my childhood when I had a thought, "what I want doesn't matter"
Validate your feelings 4:40 that's good stuff. I have to acknowledge the feeling, the reason from it, and then move thru it thru Christ. My burden is too much for one person to heal from, my strength and courage comes from the Lord. God bless yall and your relationships 🙏 🙌 ❤️
Best comment ever!
My parents were wonderful parents, but they never taught me any boundaries. My dear mom is now 91 years old and was always very co-dependent and most definitely a people pleaser with zero boundaries herself. Therefore, I now realize that I also learned the same from her and have always attracted dysfunctional or co-dependent men. I’m a work in progress one day at a time and I thank you so much for your videos which are helping me tremendously. Blessings from Miami, FL. 🌹
My parents' relationship was rocky when I was a kid. My mom was always threatening to leave but she also leaned on me a lot to be her sounding board. I think that gave me a saviour complex, having to parent my parent. I'm an HSP and my mom is a narcissist but I feel she's getting better.
Narcissistic people can’t really get better though :s I had to go on very, very limited contact with my Narcissistic family member
May be Mom was a codependent
Eloquently put that these issues can stem often from an emotional disconnect with a parent. It isn't from a place of hate, lack of love, but just the lack of reciprocal connection at a young age. I have loving parents, wonderful in almost every way imaginable. That said, I've spent 25 years seeking, yes man-ing, and metaphorically sacrificing myself for a love and approval that I need to be able to give myself, and wasn't. This isn't my parents fault, but we didn't connect emotionally, thank you for showing me this. That emotional isolation has led to a widening void, but it is liberating knowing that I don't need to fill that void with emotions of other people. Anyone I posed to try to fill the void for me was always going to be set up for failure. What an awful fate that sets for the people I love most.
Well 2022, off to a good start. Acceptance is hard, but im here now. Thank you for this video. My sincerest gratitude.
Awesome advice! I was married to two narcissistic men and tried so hard to be perfect for them yet it eventually tore me down. I’m on the path to put myself first for healthy reasons!
Me too I am glad you have started your healing process.
It is an honor to see the result of a beautiful human being getting up from the past and receiving every day as a champion, happy and strong no matter what!
Thank you for giving that knowledge and passion to the world!
Thank you for this, I am still working on honoring myself and my feelings. I tend to choose to keep my mouth shut to keep someone in my life that isn't respecting or honoring my feelings. I think a lot of the reason also that I don't get respect from some people is because I don't respect myself and I am used to feeling hurt and conditioned to feel like I am not that important so it becomes familiar to me.
Thank you for sharing yes I struggle with respecting myself also. I am glad we have time to work on ourselves.
Same I struggle with this too😞
Thanks Stephanie ❤. Your information is helpful. I have allowed people to step all over me and they continue to do and they feel it's their right to do so. What makes it difficult is the kids being used as bait in all this, and they look at me as the one who is overreacting to everything. They don't see the abuser.
Thank you Stephanie! I recently broke up with my gf, and I am struggling with loneliness and the inability to meet my own needs. It has been very painful, but it is a learning I must do. Your video has brought me some concrete advice in how to heal. Thank you very much
Yes, this is more what I want. I like how tos,not talking about the Narc constantly. You are exceptionally gifted and articulate! Superb suggestions. Very clear, better than most.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS " HEALTHY narcissism! Codependency takes setting healthy boundaries, but #1 wanting to love yourself, instead of people pleasing and caring more for OTHERS THAN SELF!! QUIT DENYING THE SELF!! YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR FEELINGS, HEARING YOURSELF, LISTENING TO SELF , VALIDATING THE SELF.
NORA MARSHALL,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷 dear
Of course there is…Narcissism in childhood is what helps us to inviduate and separate..it’s what helps us to develop healthy self belief about ourselves.
My mom was the most Unselfish person I ever meant. I was taught honesty, fairness, trustworthy. Not mean, disrespectful, dehumanizing, self-centered, no empathy. Down rite Nasty human being. Very inconsiderate. Never saw it coming. Saw some things, but ignored, hoping they would go away, couldn’t believe what was happening. Detached & observed. Boy did I pick-up a lot!!!!!!!!!
Simply put, internal > external. Great video and may all of us codependents get stronger, focus on ourselves more, honor our boundaries, and continue to positively impact everyone around us.
Wow OMG 🙈 that’s how Iv been living for years 😢
Thank you so much 🙏
From now on I stop over giving. Thank you very much
The need to fix people can cause the other person to feel insecure, and I have been with a good man that attempted to validate me, but my toxic behavior wouldn’t allow myself to believe him, and I learned I would try to fix things that weren’t problems yet (probably wouldn’t have been). I was raised by a narcissistic father and had other relationships with narcissists. It wasn’t until I saw how me being codependent hurt my ex…that I realized I was a big part of the problem. I never wanted to hurt him. Working on myself to be better, and forgiving myself for the damage done. Thank you for your video.
Lmfao I’m the bird falling to the ground lols
ikr lol. it's funny NOW, we all learn to fly eventually. but it's a jungle out there. u can laugh, cry or get mad. 😂😅😆
😂
Ur not al9ne lol
Sister keep validating yourself
crying while listening to this... mm i appreciate you for this video !
Thank you so much for this.
This is the best explanation of codependency out there. Too many therapists always try to pin it to substances and that’s just not right. I know a few codependents and they don’t even drink much less do heavy drugs. The addiction is in making other people happy at their own loss. It’s like a misled love of self sacrifice and I think they just get so used to suffering that it becomes comforting in a way. But it’s very hard to fix. It’s like telling someone to stop thinking about food ever again. Impossible.
Thank you so much!!! You are just saving me, teaching me a lot and I can say that you are one of the reasons I am in the place I am in today. Still working on myself but the progress that I have made is amazing, a lot because of you. And well, me. 😊
I think "healthy self-interest" might be the term that fits. To call it narcissism diminishes a truly harmful disorder. I love the message! Explains so much of how good people repeatedly end up in bad situations...
Thank you...tears in my eyes...recognise myself
Not being able to identify what y truly feel and want has been a real struggle for me. But I’m on my way to healing🙏🏻
OMG Coach it's like you've came and took a look at my past life. It's because God, your videos and some others that I've been able to grow and flourish!!! Thanks!!!
I had an abusive father who blamed and beat up my mom for every wrong that took place in his life. I remember my mom asking me to shut up and just do things the way my father wanted... her typical statement was "if you don't do this then I'll be beaten for it." I guess the idea of saving my mother or rescuing her from her husband brought about this co-dependency in me. All this time I thought of myself as the good samaritan and couldn't understand what was so wrong about it. It's so unfortunate that I wasn't taught about self love. I hope kids are taught this in school.
Just listening to you is such a healing already. Thank you!
Omg .you just described me.I’m so ashamed of myself because I have all the trates of a narcissist.the things you said made me cry because I know now it all derived from my past of parental abandonment from both.I’m determined to work on this.thank you for bringing light to this.a real Angel.
This information is so important for me and other codependents to hear. Thank you for creating these videos, you help arm us with knowledge to grow and be better, more whole people.
Thank you sooo much this video has really opened up my mind to things going on in my life
Melina Rojas,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷,hope you are with a good man!
Thank you so much
It’s so hard for me, I don’t know how
I just pray and ask for help
I always pick boyfriends that in healthy
They aren’t lovely and able to give me valuation
I feel pain in every relationship
Thank you so much!
I never knew it was okay to feel the way I feel. My whole life it was just this feeling of, that's just me - this is why I am hard to live with - this is why nobody wanted me around. Now, I am realizing it isn't my feelings, it is what I have been doing with them. Having a little girl that has the same "big feelings" that mommy does, really gets me wanting to be better with managing my feelings, so I can be in a better place to help her with hers. She gets upset, screaming hysterically.. her Dad yells at her, Go to your room if you want to scream. I tell her, no, we don't scream. I know you are upset, and it is okay to be upset. If you want to talk about it, or if you need a hug I am here and I love you. I am trying to be there for my kids - emotionally because I grew up with being sent to my room - or beaten etc when I "acted out". I want better for my kids. I don't want them to scream louder because they feel nobody is listening, or to bottle it because they think it is or they are invalid. Thank you, for your coaching and help. I promise you, you are helping generations. *hugs*
Ha, this is all I ever do. Fix, fix, fix. What? Still not happy yet? Fix some more!
same. it hasn't been broken in a while BUT IM GONNA CONTINUE TO FIX IT.
I had to make a conscious effort & practice saying no to people.
The thought of saying no absolutely terrified me, made me feel like I was forced into a confrontation & I would just say yes always to save myself the anxiety of saying no.
Then I would be completely exhausted running around doing everything for everyone else & annoyed at myself for neglecting my own schedule & plans.
Now I’ve learnt (the hard way) you can’t help someone who doesn’t want & try to help themselves.. I choose very wisely who I want to help these days.
It just drains you so much
I never thought of myself as codependent, I always have put others emotional needs before myself and feel guilty if I put my feeling before theirs. I don't have abandonment problems but I recently was broken up with by my girlfriend of 9 months and I've found myself thinking that I need to find someone to attach my emotions to. I learned a lot from this, thank you!