The lost tribe of childless women | Jody Day | TEDxHull
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 มิ.ย. 2017
- 1 in 5 women in the UK over 45 don’t have children - a much bigger number than most people realise. Misrepresented or ignored in the media, marketing and politics, the butt of social jokes such as ‘the crazy cat lady’, and denied the status of ‘real’ women because they aren’t mothers, this is the biggest diversity issue HR hasn’t heard of. Yet this lost tribe, hidden in plain sight, have a lot to teach us about how scared we are of what we don’t understand, and how, as a society, we are missing a huge trick by excluding them from
the mainstream.
Jody Day is a British author, trainee integrative psychotherapist and the founder of Gateway Women, the global friendship and support network for childless women which has a reach of two million women. She’s a founding and board member at AWOC.org (Ageing Without Children) and a former Fellow in Social Innovation at Cambridge Judge Business School. She is the author of 2016’s Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children (Bluebird/PanMac), which the British Medical Journal has recommended as “the book to recommend to… patients when they face coming to terms with unavoidable childlessness.” She lives in London with her cat, a stereotype that she warmly and humorously subverts.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Childless/free women are ignored in marketing because we are opting out of raising more consumers.
What do you mean "free"?
Nelson Enegbuma Childless women are considered to be women that wanted children but for some reason do not have them. Childfree women are women who do not desire to have children.
@@rainyday2002 oh I see. Some women decide not to have children. They are not nuns or in some religious order?
@@nelsonenegbuma6033 I mean, I'm not religious and I don't want kids at all. I don't think I've got the right temperament for kids. I don't want to be pregnant. It doesn't have to do with religion - I just don't want them
@@kitsunephantom6155 something is wrong with u inside. U should try and move past it.
Being childless when you want children so badly has to be, unimaginably and indescribably painful. You are in my heart!!!
it was at first but after grief you get over it and realized
you were blessed to not have them, that is if you work
on yourself, there's sO much responsibility you're free
from. sO much drama you can avoid. it's annoying
that most women talk about children/families sO
The isolation but having children to avoid social
isolation is beyond selfish & unjustifiable reason
to have children! being childless until and unless
The right circumstances comes about is selfless
and The reward should never be overlooked, but
if you haven't grieved or haven't grieved enough
you'll only see The sadness bc you're still in grief
It's the worst feeling in the world and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. all of you who can get pregnant anytime you want you're so lucky. I've always wanted to be a mom
Jody is speaking as a women who expected to have children but it never came about. The grief she speaks about is warranted, and I like her approach to dealing with it. There are also women who are childless by intention. Yet both groups cop the same insensitive comments that she quoted, and, in my experience, mostly from mothers. I now avoid joining women-only groups because invariably the conversation centres on children and grandchildren, leaving childless women ignored on the sidelines. I've also had enough of pity, and accusations of selfishness and of being 'unnatural.' Women with children can be very cruel to those without.
It's quite simple, women that were brought up being told they weren't women until they had children made damn sure to have children as early as possible. They shouldn't say this, but they are projecting the things they said to themselves on to you. It is precisely BECAUSE they hold those beliefs that they got to have children, while you did not. If you had the same things being said to you by your mother growing up then you'd probably have children by now.
Wow. Thanks for the warning! I think there can be a lot of obliquely expressed envy and fear, because they imagine our stress levels and workloads to pale in comparison to theirs - parenthood being a bigger job than they expected.
Well said.
Sometimes I get the feeling that mothers making insensitive comments don't want to accept that others don't want/have to go through all the pain and don't have the responsibility of caring for a child. "We did it, you also have to!" Just an assumption, don't want to generalize.
@@OryAlle 💯
Thanks for giving us childless women a voice. I hope more people would listen and try to understand.
This video isn't about women WHO CHOSE TO BE CHILDLESS - its about the NOT SPOKEN ABOUT group of women who WANTED CHILDREN but PHYSICALLY COULD NOT!!! They spend their life grieving the LOSS of the children they never could have. NO one ever talks about them...
That's why life is unfair. People who could have been good parents can't have children. And all the morons have plenty of babies.
Use a word like moron and...you’d be a ‘good parent’? !
@@vivtodd2473 moron triggered.
I've heard PLEANTY about - or rather from them. You can't get around it - even if wanted to.
Thank you for the info - so now I don't need to watch the video - since I am so not interested.
@@jeanjean59ful, I suppose you are childless.. 🤔
I cried through most of this. You voiced my grief and frustration at being an 'outcast' of 'normal' society. It's 27 years since I had to have an early Hysterectomy due to endometriosis, and the grief is still in my heart.
Wow, I had stage 4 endometriosis and had surgery 6 weeks ago to remove about 90% of the endo adhesions before I start IVF in another 6 weeks. I hope to have at least one child. Your words hurt my heart, I am so sorry to
hear about what you went through.
I did too. I didn’t think I would cry, but she really articulated what I feel deep down.
baddogonline very sympathetic... Make them feel better why don't you!
Refilwe Pule I wish you luck with your journey x
It took me finding this video to realise what I have been feeling is Grief. I have isolated myself and avoid friends with new babies.
I think it also helps to realize and to think about your own childhoods: how many people had mothers who were happy? The vast majority of people have mothers who were either dissatisfied with their lives or completely miserable. I don’t think having children is the path to happiness that some women think.
Thank you Maria! Well said.
My mother and father‘s relationship is the reason I never wanted to get married or have kids. I know now that not all relationships are that way. But a lot of them are. I never met anyone who was compatible long enough to get married. I have no kids. And feel shame. Of course it is not talked about during family get-togethers. But I am the odd woman out. So should I have continued on into bad relationships to have kids?I don’t think so. Should I be here at 57 years old, ashamed because I have no family? No. But I am, nonetheless. Grieving and lonely. That’s just the way it is.
Karen A do something else creative. It will make you happier
maria G Thanks, I know you are right, Maria.
I find your statement "The vast majority of people have mothers who were either dissatisfied with their lives or completely miserable." very subjective. I believe and see most mothers may be tired and stressed out at times in the process of life and raising little one as it takes life to raise life. It is not easy to devote yourself and energy to raising a child on top of everything else. For the women who chose to and are FORTUNATE enough to have children, RARELY do they regret having them. My heart goes out to women who would like to be a mother but for whatever reason are not.
I’m the 10 percent who chose to not have children. I had severe endometriosis and my home life growing up was sad, full of physical and verbal abuse. My grief is complicated, I was ripped of my decision to choose, experiencing two parents who weren’t equipped to be parents. I didn’t want to hand down abuse to my children, I wanted to break the cycle. I’m proud of myself for not repeating generations of learned abuse and transferred pain. I do wonder, second guess, and grieve if my decision would be different if I had a healthy family.
Same.
I understand completely about breaking the cycle. I don't people realize that generational trauma is real. I'm also a childless woman pushing 40. Totally fine without having children of my own. Fostering maybe the route for me. Giving kids a safe place to live and be a kid is important to me.
Same reason i know not to. My mom says she has broken the cycle. And she tries. But there was still a lot of abuse there. Just not kicking out at 17 and doing everything in their power in not cooperating to make it difficult. Just bringing me down constantly, hitting etc.
I am not going to do that further. I wouldn't know how to act healthy. I know what it is. But I wouldn't be able to do it. Thus just not having kids.
Altho I hope I don't accidentally get pregnant somehow. Since I am still young. Altho my implant is holding up pretty damn well
@Jake Dean because you never had a good example. We tend to fall into the same traps our parents did. These things tend to repeat themselves. You can think you will break the cycle. But you most likely won't. So to avoid that, be sure you won't cause abuse. You avoid being put into the place where you would be an abuser all together.
Jake Dean I am not unfit and I am a great human being giving to my community, it doesn’t take having a child to be whole! I take care of my husband and my dogs lovingly, I would have been a wonderful parent. I am haunted by the trauma, I had stage 4 endometriosis, I had cancer at 19 years old...even if I desired kids the odds would have been low for me to carry a child. I also didn’t want to hand down endometriosis, but I shouldn’t have to justify my reasons.
I’m a step mum and I found that when I was with my stepson I was more accepted than a woman who had no children. I grew up with a massive family and I decided early on that I wasn’t fussed either way to have children or not. I donated eggs to a family that really wanted them though it didn’t work for them. I have been told that I’m selfish, ungodly and a failure by strangers for not bringing children into the world. I was shocked by what they said but now I find it mildly amusing that people think that my only contribution to this world is kids. Be proud of who you are - people who judge you aren’t worth your time and energy.
A generation ago, everyone assumed that childlessness must be involuntary, and pitied you. Now they assume it can only be by choice because few know about the poor success-rate of IVF and the struggle with adoption, so they think it’s fine to judge you. Wouldn’t the world be great if people could just show the compassion for others that they all seem to expect for themselves.
childfree by choice. hubby and i didn't want children so we didn't have them.
i will accept cat lady, witch, hag, but not career woman or spinster; but add widow.
i haven't changed my mind about not having children at any time.
i do grieve for the people who wanted children but, for whatever reason, didn't have them. that is a burden i can't relate to while i can understand it.
hear hear!
Thanks for being honest, harpy.
@@jamesbusch282 cram it, incel. the women of the world thank you for staying away from us.
Thank you so much for this. I thought I was done grieving this loss, but now that my friends are all having grandchildren and my siblings lives are busy with theirs, it has slammed me in the face again. It was comforting to hear you talk about how you share my grief.
I am 62 and childless more through circumstance than choice. Jody touched on some painful points which I have experienced, mainly societal ones, but on a personal level I don't feel at all sad about not having kids. I have always felt some people have them and others don't. Not all childless women are grief stricken about it.
Same here! I thought she would be touching the subject of women who chose to be childless or at least do not feel grief about it, but she didn't go there
@@aurazero0 she didnt go there bc she wanted children and that wasnt her lane.. thats urs so speak up
my wife & i aren't.
Amen!!!
I am grief stricken about having kids. Wish I could start over and be childfree.
I want to hug this lady. She articulate s the grief of childlessness so well. I never knew there are so many of us!
I feel that those of us who are childless who wanted to be mothers but don’t have children of our own should try to find some other way to channel our nurturing into the world, which is so hungry for it. There are so many souls, human and animal, who are desperate for even a piece of that love and encouragement because they didn’t get it from their own mothers. If I do not have my own children in time I plan to foster children.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I’m childless by choice but part of me would love to be a mother. Your idea inspires me that I can still channel that love in the world. Best wishes to you.
I’ve tried. It’s all a temporary filler. No matter what, we still have an undeniable desire to have and raise a child/ be a mom.
Being Brandy No, it’s not the same; and important to both acknowledge and mourn the loss of that dream. Nothing can ever “fill” or replace it. What I was hoping to address are the women with SO much to give but who, without children of their own, feel they don’t have a container to pour their love and nurturing in to. It’s still not the same. And perhaps for some women it would feel worse, and they shouldn’t do it. For me; I feel most acutely the loss of a huge contribution I had hoped to make. But I look around and see that what I had wanted to give is still very much needed in this world-even if not in the exact form I had wanted it to take. But there are many different reasons we wanted to be mothers-and what is true for some will be totally wrong for others. I wish you blessings in your journey
I agree and wish you blessings as well ❤️🙏@ HelloGorgeous1
First you have to come to terms with your loss: mourn, go through the pain. Realise that the pain will never go away but will be somewhere in your heart and let you know of its existence when you least expect it. That is not a bad thing: feel it, so you can move on.
If you have mourned, you can choose what to do with your nurturing qualities.
I am 35, still single and I am facing the possibility of being childless. I can’t describe my grief because of that. I always wanted to start a family and have kids but I lost so much time in long-term relationship which ended unsuccessfully 2 years ago. Since then I experienced a lots of disappointments, rejections and betrayal, but people are just willing to label me as disfunctional witch unable to sustain commitment. It’s so unfair and humiliating because it wasn’t my choice and after all of my efforts I was left empty handed. Every time when I see a baby or receive a news that some of my friends had a baby I am slowly dying because I know that the time is ticking and the loneliness is killing me. Sometimes I think about adoption or artificial insemination but I am afraid for the child. How I am going to explain to her/him that she/he was born not because mommy and daddy loved each other, but because I wanted to have her/him. It sounds selfish and I don’t want to cause him/her that pain.
How did you go through 10+ years of a relationship without getting pregnant? you should have given the guy 2 years max
TheFatAmericans1 you are right, but somehow I was afraid and not that much in rush. I felt that this guy wasn’t right for me. My mistake that I stayed for too long and now I am paying for it.
You are not selfish if you want a child and do artificial insemmination, nothing is more natural than wanting children. And what is wrong with being selfish ? Being generous is just indirect selfishness, selfness generosity has no sense evolution wise.
Have you considered oocyte cryopreservation? As you are under 38, the success rate should still be good if you act promptly?
You still have time.
YES Jody! Thank you. 42 next month and privately accepting that this it now. If one more person tells me 'you're lovely, why are you single?' I'll scream. Really needed to find your site, and your talk today. Cheers x
Damn why didn’t you focus to find the right guy in your 20s
Many women did try but I think we just always thought it would sort of just happen. It doesn’t just happen. U need to be emotionally healthy, brought up without too much neglect or abuse. If u were the product of abuse and dysfunction u need help before u can provide a healthy upbringing to another person and have healthy relationships. Most don’t have this access and only realize too late that developmental trauma is keeping u from becoming a parent. U want to be a parent but not if u can’t prevent the nightmare that was your childhood and still impacting u into adulthood.
By the way... hag is actually a complement when you know its derivation. It comes from "haggard." That's a falconer's term for an experienced female bird of prey. She is the most highly sought after and prized for hunting, because female raptors are bigger than males, and can catch bigger prey, therefore are the birds who can actually set the dinner table for your entire family... and haggards are birds of experience, who are simply the best hunters, who have all the skills and power necessary. It's also a term used long ago for older women who have power that villagers might fear... the Crone. So if someone calls you a hag... say thank you. Shakespeare knew. In Taming of the Shrew, Petruchio worked with Kate exactly the way a falconer would work with a wild-born haggard, using the same terminology and the same tactics... with the same rewards.
That is really interesting, something I never knew. Thank you.
Beautiful, thank you
Love this!
Sounds like we have a perfect replacement for the term "cougar"🤣🤣🤣👍🏾.
@Mary Sanchez you are a very wise hag (in context of sharing the info). You have my thanks.
someone visiting my grave...I would never know because I am dead. the way the world is going, I want a father not a baby daddy so its difficult finding a quality man to raise a family with and children today...yes I used to feel bad being childless but some days I feel like I dodged a bullet
there is no guarantee how your life would turn out with a family. So I say ladies count your blessings don't feel bad for being childless. Go out here and live your best life!!
perfect attitude to have.
Meh. Fathers are overrated.
@@niccolom4556 LOL pretty much every statistic related to child development would disagree with you. But then you probably knew that, and are just bitter.
"Grief out-chemically transforms devastation of loss into an unsentimental ability to face reality - to accept life on its terms, not ours. Yet we are a grief phobic society and often see grief as something awkward and self indulgent to be got over as quickly as possible. But grief is the emotion enables us to deal with devastating loss with irrevocable change."
"My hope is that by accepting this gift of grief, you will realize that perhaps the reason you have banished us from your awareness is because our loss reminds you of your ungrieved losses. And that in touch with those, you will choose to be more tender with us, more tender with yourself, and with everyone who grieves, and that together we can create a more emotionally robust society, one better equipped to face the very real changes ahead that everyone else's children, except ours, is going to inherit."
I wonder how many people actually heard this and got this. This extends beyond childlessness into all facets of life where grief presents itself and is blatantly ignored by sooooo many people as Jody points out so well.
"Alchemically"
penno hello this too happened to me when I was childless two years ago until I met an herbalist in africa online who help me in having my own child am really happy if your interested you can message him on WhatsApp 08105081992
Being childless, as mentioned, is very frustrating in the work-place. Yes, Christmas eve, I suppose I am the only one who can work. It makes no difference that I live abroad and would like to travel home to see my family and celebrate my traditions, speak my own language. No, I don't have children, and therefore must work. (Kindergarten teacher) So yes, I will be the only one working in a room of twenty children on Christmas Eve as punishment for my infertility. YAY! Not to mention, the attitudes from every parent about someone who doesn't have children of her own caring for their children... Coworkers too, how can I possibly be a professional, I can never TRULY understand the needs of children.
How insensitive of your coworkers and parents to tell you "you can never truly understand the needs of children"! You were once a child yourself and you can be very well attuned to children without having your own by being attuned to yourself and your own inner child, which, very often ironically, people with children are not, because instead of going through emotions triggered by loss (e.g. grieving infertility) and hereby growing mentally and spiritually and bringing you closer to your inner child, they often got children to distract them from being thrown back on their own issues often deriving from childhood traumas/experiences. I recommend the videos from Daniel Mackler about not having children.
How old are you?
Wtf say no 🤷🏾♂️
This is so true. :(
get the f out of that profession even if it will hurt for a while. (knowing that the other professions have the same attitudes but not the daily onslaught from parents and seeing their children. good luck
Dear Jody, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing out in public and giving our often silent pain a voice. It really does make such a huge difference to feel part of a tribe and not alone in this huge unwanted life situation. Your work makes me feel less alone and gives me a way to help me take the next step. I sent this video to a friend who laid down a bingo the other day to help her understand what I and people in my position experience day to day. Thank you for going public and putting words to something that I find often hard or impossible because of the emotion that is there. I did a single and childless course with you last year and it was so helpful. I love you!!! Xxxx
Thank you for trying to explain the way we feel. Sadly the ones who need to hear it and understand most and heartless and deaf. I've cried countless tears. Thank for speaking so eloquently on our behalf.
I don't know why people feel the need to hit out at us... it's about bringing it out into the open, because people don't actually understand it..And us keeping it quiet and hidden inside ,makes it even worse for us.....
Wow, amazing, amazing presentation. This woman just said exactly what I have been going through for the past few years - and at times now at 47 years old. I did not realize that I am not alone however, and that I am part of a tribe of millions of women that although in existence, are somewhat invisible. I do find it comforting to know that this is a large tribe and the fact that so many of us are going through this somehow, brings a peaceful consolation to my soul!
My family gene pool has too many mental health issues. I'm doing myself and society a favor by not procreating.
If I end up childless it would be best for this reason as well:(
Same! And my time would be better spent healing my childhood trauma than blindly passing it down and continuing the cycle.
This is a sad but a very wise thing to say. I'm the same too I wish the burden didn't weigh so much though
i avoid adhd & asperger's syndrome by not having any.
@@JG-qb8yd i wish my sister did the same. instead, she abuses her eldest son the same way my parents abused me.
It's bizarre how many people commenting on this talk seemed to have missed the point that the reference to grief is not about women who are childless by choice, but the ones who would love to have had children but were unable to for whatever reason. Is it really so hard to see the difference?
Because deciding not to get married before 25 IS choosing to remain childless. These women were too slow to drop their standards. If they were okay with settling with the same quality of man at 25 that they were at 35 then they would be able to have children, but instead they kept deciding that nobody was good enough for them. Now they are barren. Looking back on the people I knew from high school, the ones who have families now are the ones that married right out the gate at 18, and they now have several children each.
@@OryAlle There is some truth in what you say. Some women avoid having children in their 20s, then in their 30s things don't work out, and before they know it, they have missed the boat. That is why I think that this issue should be made known to women in their 20s and 30s, before it is too late. I don't think it is necessary to have children "right out of the gate at 18" though even that is better than being involuntarily childless.
@@OryAlle Very rude and insensitive comment to blame the individual women rather than reflect more broadly at the social, economic, an cultural trends that might be driving this. If in some countries as many as 1 in 3 women (or men for that matter) are childless, it points to a larger cause. You just listened to a tender video and came back with a bingo, and putting all the blame at the women.
I know people that were never able to conceive, having married in their twenties. I know women who were never able to find a religious mate (there are more religious women than men). Women that are highly intelligent have a hard time too, as they’d be looking for a partner who can engage their minds. But more importantly there’s the gender and work dynamics today that make finding a partner difficult. There are all sorts of reasons.
Thank you, so poignant.
What's the saying? Death by a thousand cuts?
Grief is faced with every baby shower invite I decline. With every observation of a mother being cruel to her child in public. With every magazine stand and commercial that promotes it. With every "unfollow" of friends who either post 22 photos of their kids each day, or with constant complaining about them. With every conversation with my mother whining that she'll never be a grandmother (um, hello?!?). With the torture of every holiday, especially Mothers Day.
I die a little each time.
Steph B your comment really resonated with me. 😢
DITTO.....
Amen. Exactly how my heart feels.
Here here! I'm in the same boat. So many triggers, you can't avoid!
exactly. 😔
This made me sob, real heartbroken sobs. Thank you for speaking for us all who are childless not by choice. Adoption is very very hard, intrusive and not an option for most. IVF is an easy way to go bankrupt and is physically traumatizing. It was s hard decision but I didn't want to go down that route. People find that hard to understand and that if you really wanted one you would have gone to the ends of the earth. I have also been told at least I have no child to cry over!
You should have slapped the person who told you at least you have no child to cry for.
I had a fear of being a childless woman/spinster and ended up in a highly abusive relationship but yes, managed to have two children at the age of 39 and 40. I'm now 50 and a sole parent. It's been an absolute nightmare! I remember the grief of being alone and the recent grief of finding myself ultimately back in that situation but responsible for two children without any support. I've learned the grass is not greener on the other side and have looked at women without children enviously, something I could never ever have imagined. I totally understand the heart break of women wanting children but when you're exhausted and your ten year old daughter is beating you up with a music stand out of sheer frustration as to what she has endured you question the path you relentlessly pursued. Unfortunately, I think women in general are treated extremely poorly socially, single women, childless women, single mothers etc.
JuJu H Oh poor old you right? You made the decision now it’s not as smooth as yo I thought it was going to be and suddenly you’re a victim? Smh
@@1st_b 'Not as smooth as you thought it was going to be' doesn't quite capture domestic violence and the legal system. Officially, I guess I have been classified as a victim along with my children as Victims Services is providing counselling but that's not the intention of the post. There's a much gentler and caring intention behind the post.
Thank you JuJu H for your honesty, much respect
Thanks Juju and shame to that other commenter for downplaying your abuse. My biggest fear is of getting so desperate that I wind up with a narcissist
Its been a nightmare because YOU'RE a mess though.Raising kids isn't rocket science.
Born in the 1960s. Part of this tribe by circumstance. You speak the truth about the grief and regret
I am shocked I’m childish, I never expected to be childless. I was looking forward to be a mom. I Am beyond grief, how can I grief what I never had.
It does feel like something worse than grief.
I can't tell you how well this captures our stories. Thank you Jody Day
for your intelligence, wit and pioneering advocacy. Gratitude and
respect! Sarah
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Love the line after you list all the real reasons "there are many reasons for not having a child and very few have anything to do with not trying hard enough."
By the way, it's amazing the quotes you give are exactly what I've heard my whole life and I live in a different country than you.
77% IVF failure rate...those stats are important and should be laid out even more -- I find our groups of individuals and society lacks actual DATA and numbers that are right there and we just need people to get them and write them out and put them up in people's face
I agree ,as if its not tough enough we are prey to a billion dollar Industry that manipulates stats
True. I felt I was the only one where it didn't work. Those walls of baby pictures in the fertility doctor's offices....
I did two transfers and both failed! It would cost over 20k to do it again. I was told there is a 60% chance it works, but 40% chance if there are other factors. Well, I have endometriosis so it's probably even lower than that!
I have been actively trying to get pregnant for the last 3 years. Am in my 30's(I married late by most standards ). I have tried fertility treatments and had 2 miscarriages along the way...the journey is a lonely one, even though am married. At the back of my mind, I fear that he will eventually leave me because of this.That maybe he doesn't love me enough to withstand the storm...Now I have channelled my energy on my job, working miles away from family, my husband. Am in my zone,totally in high spirits, when am at work and almost at the edge of depression during my off days.I even start looking forward to going back to work!..INFERTILITY IS NO JOKE!
Lydia Star It’s been 10 months since you posted your comment. I pray that you’re fertility treatments have worked and you are no longer actively trying to get pregnant, and if not, I pray that your husband will love you forever through the storm.
Did your partner test positively for fertility?
So cruel how there are terrible mother's out there and loving childless women who would give anything to have a child.
I really appreciate this video. Most people approach being childless as a choice. People will ask me how many children I have. I tell them I don't. There's a moment of bewildered confusion that shows on their face. Then, they either launch into a list of reasons I've made a bad choice or a list of reasons why I've made a good choice. It wasn't my choice.
It is a profound gift to hear someone finally describe the grief that no one seems able to accept or understand when I try to share about it. And the Bingo...so true! Thank you, my heart is with you
yep. agreed.
Yep. We must be the loneliest group in the world. I'm trying not to share as much about myself with people at work because it's none of their business at the end of the day and frankly they are insensitive.
I can relate to this message. I agree that by and large we are a "grief-phobic" society. I no longer get offended by the childless conversations but not everyone wants to get real. I find some people find it harder to accept my childlessness than I do.
MrsRaquelPerez penno hello this too happened to me when I was childless two years ago until I met an herbalist in africa online who help me in having my own child am really happy if your interested you can message him on WhatsApp 08105081992
Yes x
Yep
This is profound and insightful. I am so glad I watched it and heard my situation addressed. I am a childless woman in her early 60s who is now facing endometrial cancer - a disease that strikes hardest at childless women, which feels like a double curse. At thirty, dateless and desperate, I happened to be at a doctor's exam and she casually tossed out, "If you want to have kids, you'd better hurry up. It gets harder after the age of 35." I went home and cried buckets. How was I supposed to "hurry up"? If the pairing up isn't happening, there's no reasonable way to resolve this. I had to take refuge in the life I was given. Then, to find out that because I had the nerve to be childless, I am now 3x more likely to have uterine cancer than those who had children seems cruel. Thanks, Jody, for helping to explain our grief.
How are you doing now? Were they able to get the endometrial cancer? Sending hugs.
We are praying for you! How are you doing?
Hey how are you doing? Sending you hugs xx
Do you have endometriosis?
I'm so sorry. I hope everything turned out okay. It infuriates me that there is so much ignorance about women's reproduction because our medical profession doesn't always tell women their options and potential risks/benefits. For example, taking certain birth control for 5 years+ reduces the risk of ovarian cancer. And an IUD can half the risk of endometrial cancer. But we don't hear about things like that - there is so much fear-mongering and it's costing women...
Beautiful, Jody, I am so proud of you and feel so acknowledged! It is a grief that will never go away and once I accepted that I started to recover. Thank you so much for your courage and persistence to bring these facts to the surface and to insist on being heard - and hopefully understood. Lots of love to you!!!
This video explains it so well!! Many people have asked me why I don't want kids. A lot of people around me are having kids and I find a lot of people can rub it in your face. It's not that I am uncapable of making a child, but the fact that I can't afford to raise a child, I don't drive so can't get about to places a lot and I am studying for uni, and there are a lot of pressures for a woman where they are expected to work, get educated and be expected to have kids also. A lot of people I know of who have had kids are lucky enough to have partners with their own houses, are lucky enough to drive and do what they want to do. I don't want kids because I don't want to bring a human being into this world when I can barely afford to live in it myself. I also, at work around occasions like Christmas time are expected to work the worse shift hours because I have no kids. People with kids tend to assume that you are not entitled to have a life just because they have kids. This message needs to be made aware of in todays society. I'm fed up of being made to look weird or less of a person because I have no kids.
Amen to every part of that. I've often wished I could have been an affluent dad in the 1950s. THAT was a great deal.
THIS. thank you.
Good talk. Very insightful and captured many reasons why a woman is childless or childfree in their 40s and 50s. It is something that needs to be talked about and brought to the light. I too have been through hell. I never did IVF treatment, I wanted to adopt with my husband and he promised we would, but he never really wanted to and the truth of the situation came out and I am now 40. It isn't something that I thought I would be facing for the rest of my life, to not get to experience being a mother. I cannot say how much I grieve and how many times people throw bingos at me and most of them perfect strangers. The ones from family are the cruelest though.
77Tadams I am sorry hear this. I completely understand your pain of not ever being able to experience being a mother and the cruel judgments. Family are the worst at dismissing and friends can be insensitive. You are in my prayers.
77Tadams
Bingos?
Childfree is happily living without experiencing parenthood by choice. Childlessness is the opposite.
@@adbc1f72 "bingos" refers to digs, dings, attacks . . .
@@adbc1f72 bingos here are those lines that childless and child free women and men often hear from other people whenever children are mentioned in conversation, typically ones like "you'll change your mind", "the biological clock is ticking", "you'll be alone when you're old", "children are a blessing"... And they have heard those same phrases too much they can make a bingo list out of them
you comment about how we should shut up about it and go away and fix it. so so true. oh my gosh... so so so true. this is what makes it all the much harder. thank you for the most beautiful film. life saving in fact. X sending you solidarity
Yes! I mean my aunt be like "when you havin children" and I am like "but I have no man" and shes like "so go find one" bucause sure it is like picking a groceries ffs
I can relate.
"Yeah ok, I'll just go and pick one up from the local supermarket for a discount!" Yes I can relate too.
for some it really seems to be like "picking groceries" ;-) .....unfortunately.
Katarina lol 👍🏻
Women in their 20s get a lot of men attentions, while in their 30s, not so much. Be smart
I don't have kids and I'm quite happy. I never saw the negative.
Yeah me too. She mentioned that about 10% are childless by choice. I'd venture another 10% of us thought we'd have kids because we'd been told all our lives "when you have kids...", didn't for whatever reasons, weren't compelled to do fertility treatments or adopt because the image of motherhood had been planted in our minds, was not the burning desire it is commonly for most women. We got off lucky. All those comments people make don't bother because they don't speak to pain in us like they do to those who grieve not having children. We can't dismiss their pain because we don't suffer it. I hope that's not what you were implying.
Rita White Once in a blue moon, I wonder what I missed by not having children. For me and my husband of 31 years, it was a matter of choice and life circumstances. I see the pain that most people’s children cause them, along with the joy those children can bring, and it seems like a zero-sum game to me. I must say, though, the grandchildren look fun because they can be sent home when they act like miserable bastards 😁. I ALWAYS enjoyed my nieces and nephews when they were little.
My heart goes out to women (and men) who experience grief from being childless. It sounds brutal.
@@darcishook-woolley2513 hey. You'll possibly still become a great aunt you can spoil.
I don't want kids. But i'm definetly becoming a "sugar auntie" for at least my bffs children. We've already decided that.
Dutchik Dutchik I’m a great aunt many times over. I enjoy seeing the little ones a few times per year. Enjoy being a sugar auntie! It’s a blast being the doting aunt.
@@darcishook-woolley2513 yup. Altho i hope it will last a few years. (We are still in college. I'd slap her if she now got willingly pregnant tbh. She has time still. I already know i don't want since i've known since i was 8.) But it really is a thing that would be fun. Spoil them for a day, then send em home when they are annoying.
I'm happy for you that you that you live being an auntie.
This made me cry so sad again! Every single things she said resonates with me. Particularly the parallel drawn between the grief of not having children and seeing the end of our own treeline with the grief for an Earth that will soon be no more. How we are expected to pick up the slack at work (as if grieving for having to spend Xmas alone was not enough) is something that I silently fumed about until it occurred to me childless women should be a legally protected class, just as LGTB , and people from different ethnical and national backgrounds are. As a single woman, I don't get any tax breaks for having a family. On the contrary, I contribute MORE proportionally and the benefits go to other families and society at large. Who will be there for us when we are old?
Exactly. I always make sure to take my holidays off and I will continue too until I retire. Most of the people at work are lazy and barely do anything anyway, especially the ones with kids. So no, sorry, I will be taking my holiday off. I no longer share much about my life with people at work because it's none of their business.
A Historical & Truthfull Revelation about all women in this World broken hearted thru not becoming mothers...Silenced into isolation & shame for Centuries ..... Thankyou Jody. So proud of you and all of us who stand with you.
I have a great deal of sympathy for this nice lady who is clearly suffering from not having her own children. She has given a voice to many women though who will feel the same way, and that has value. Good talk.
I have met her, and I can attest that while she holds a quiet place in her heart for her loss, she has come out the other side with an amazing life as an international speaker and teacher. She's not so much a "nice lady who is clearly suffering" as a "badass who wants to shake people up and effect a cultural transformation."
this is incredible. puts words and sense to years of confusion and overthinking. it's so rare to hear women's stories of infertility unless they end in a baby. finally someone sharing about the other side of it when there isn't a happy ending, but grief that seems terminal.
She would have been an excellent mom. Her tone is always controlled even when she is being assertive. Amazing!
The stigma around childless women can be really cruel at points, it can become this “the over the edge pushing” factor. I can’t have children, I was a career woman who spent youth, my 30-ies to 40-ies being devoted to studying and developing career, yet I always wanted have my little baby girl, it wasn’t career and other factors related to that, but the chronic illness that took precious chance for having a child away from me.
An adaption isn’t for me, anyway, I am too ill not only to have my own but to bring up any other child. Wish people would think, before they say - so you don’t have children and you 40 years old and something” ?! As if it was a crime. I heard it from all kind of people, including those who should know how to refer to subject in a proper way, from doctors ie. Sad. Being alone, meaning without a child, by choice or not by choice, is not a reason to be a subject to stigma and stereotyping. Thanks for your talk.
Are you interrogated by other women? Men definitely don't care and wouldn't dare question you about said in the workplace.
@@laughingalien I've had men say things, but not in the same way. Women are far worse about it. However, men act self-righteous about it sometimes, and it was really rich because it was coming from a guy who was 21, was trying to keep two girlfriends and was a horrible worker and got fired. Older men in particular are rude about it..I've had male family members ask about kids over and over.
I think there are so many reasons for childlessness that no one knows what to say without upsetting someone. What is an appropriate response that covers all childless people without offending someone?
I know that grief. Thank you for speaking out about it. I don't think I'll ever get over it, but I have now come to terms with that at least. With years of trying and every one of my five miscarriages, I did lose something vast and significant and with every month it didn't happen, I lost the hope I'd spent a whole month renewing. And I am stuck with the realisation that I will be paying taxes for the rest of my life to supply benefits for the children others will enjoy. I will never get to play games with my own children or read them stories or take them to beautiful places in the world or pass on all the things I know to them and I always wanted to SO very much. And I will always, ALWAYS be battling with the thoughts of existential meaningless and failure. Yes. Thank you for summing this up so well that I can send it to the few friends I have who have children and who think I was just lazy and have it easy. You've saved me having to bare my still aching soul. (Not that they'll get it even after seeing this, but it may help.) The way I have tried to explain it to date though is through this comparison. Having kids is like having an orchard to look after, and not having them is a bit like living on a barren slope. Sure, the orchard is a lot of work, but it gives you so much beauty and material comfort that complaining to those living on that slope about how good they have it because they don't "have to" work is rather ridiculous.
You don't have to live on a barren slope. You can garden it and make it beautiful for yourself.
I am a 46 year old man. I am child free and proud of it. Let's stop judging all things and all people.
By writing this comment - you have judged all those you are childless (different to child free)and basically just said @I'm alright Jack so shut up' - Why comment???
There is nothing to be proud of, when you did absolutely nothing. LOL
The reason why people judge it’s because of an instinct. If many people don’t want kids then the civilization will die, because families and nations can’t continue.
You aren't looking it at in context . No ones saying you shouldn't feel what you you feel about your own situation.This is about empathy and inclusivity and the wave of social change in society....its personal and about a huge hidden demographic and the change thats needed to widen our perceptions of the differences in experiences.
eac26114653 I'm proud of you
35 with no kids...I don't believe in having children out of wedlock which is the norm. I want kids, but I doubt it's in my life path. I'm tired of being asked being asked why I don't have children or if something is wrong with my health. Amazing how being a baby mother is normal than being a wife and mother. I wish I could meet a man that wants the same as me.
Same boat. I'm also surprised by the fact that there are so little comments about the counterpart: MEN. Throughout my life, I have been mostly single because of the men.
Some, I could see how they just weren't going to be as commited as I was, so I left. A few got to sell smoke to me, then just proved they weren't commited by leaving me. Now, when I left them early on, it was for serious reasons. Cheating, consistently showing disrespect, etc. When I was left early on, it was for maybe a silly argument in which I happened to demand something I was totally right about and he, in my place, wouldn't have accepted. Looks as if we women don't have the right to speak up. What in a relationship of 2 equals should have been solved after the argument, here it was just him taking the easy path and leaving me. Not before telling me numerous times how he pictured his life with me, he dreamt of leaving in a little cottage with me (he even took me to said cottage), me being the mother of his children, etc.
Another thing is, all men seem to want more than perfection in the beauty department, even if they are not perfect themselves. Knowing how men themselves say how shallow they are, I always tried to date as equal as possible. Yet, every single men I knew, always expected MORE than they themselves were. The ones who insisted on dating me, were after me because they thought I was a lot prettier than them. Were they good to me? Yes, TO ME. Were they REALLY good? Not really, because they were probably treating women at THEIR own "level", poorly.
Finally, there's what you bring to the table. I see men keep complaining about maintaining women, how they would need to pay lots of money if they divorced, but in my case, I am the one who has always been responsible, had the best GPA, have a great career, saved, cooked at home and cleaned myself just to save and invest. I've bought my own house, I am financially well, I did everything to have enough money to raise a family. Most men I know don't know what saving is, they barely cook at home, barely save, barely invest.
Others who do things "quite well", just wait until they and their girlfriends/wives are in the limit (at a "risky" age). And NO, they don't do it because of financial reasons, because most of these are well-off. They do it out of SELFISHNESS.
The bottom line: they don't really LOVE women. They are not family-oriented. We all know how parents, despite problems and all, say how their children are the most important thing in their lives. I have waited to get that feeling all my life. And I'm crying just writing the previous sentence. These men know this too, we all know it, so the conclusion is they do not value -let alone their wives, but even their own future children as much as they value their own life. They don't care about possible difficulties, possible long-lasting grieving ahead when the baby doesn't come despite effort and money, there are miscarriages, possible health issues to the baby. And they won't hesitate to leave the wife if they are bored/she doesn't "recover" as they would want from pregnancy/etc. They simply don't LOVE.
Be very honest about what you want and ditch anyone not in the same boat as they'll take the last of yiur fertile years.
Freeze some eggs. Cut off age is 36. You'll feel better.
....because of the men you choose, that is.@@adaw332
I'm not grieving not having children...and I'm not in 'pain'. being childfree is a choice many women, who are able to bear, have made. and there's nothing wrong with that.
Is this an argument against the speech? I'm not sad or mad at my choice? Think you missed the point of the speech about the cultural changes affecting a large number of women. Watch the red pill and actively listen to the speaker without your own prerogative to manifest rebuttals during her presentation.
Of course but this talk is centered toward the childLESS not the childFREE i.e people for whom not having children was not an active choice whom make up roughly 90% of women over 45 without kids (as Day stated).
Then why are you bothering to tell us that, if it does not matter? Why take the time? Methinks you are conflicted... BUT, the thing is, you no longer have a choice in the matter so you are stuck. If you are not pathetic there is no point reminding the rest of us that you are not. If you are pathetic, however, your opinion in the matter is largely irrelevant.
Did you even watch the video you moron????
Your comment is just wrong....very wrong....
We need a talk about childless men. Struggles are similar but not identical. Childless men are the invisible invisible.
This is one of the most moving TED talks. I may end up childless myself. Still, I don't feel that much grief (yet?). I feel sad for lacking community in general, rather than genetic parenthood.
I've not watched it yet but I hope she acknowledges that there are plenty of men carrying the same grief of not having had their own child.
I am childless and its like being in hell...I just can't stop crying..today I felt like I wish I was dead due to frequent questions by all..though I am still crying I feel better watching this.
i feel your pain.
Thank you so much Jody 🙏🏻 I have felt the pain you describe and felt alone. It helps so much to have a network of women with whom I can not only commiserate but hopefully find a resurrected joy.
She made some excellent points. The thinly veiled self-righteous envy (jealously, even) of stressed-out other women who are mothers, can be directed at us as if their roles were somehow foist upon them!
I believe there are many, many ways you can be called to be a 'mother' in this crazy world. The childless among us are available to do the job. Not all your children will come from your belly.
Men get this too. I had a friend who was childless by unhappy circumstances - not choice - and, as a regular at his local pub, was always being ribbed about his 'freedom' and lack of 'responsibility'.
Love your second sentence especially. To be sure, there are women who didn't want to be mothers and didn't think they had a choice, but a lot of the moaners set themselves up for it.
It's so sad that women who chose not to have children are believed to be 'conflicted', in denial. The same thing could be said of you who have chosen to go through the agony of childbirth, sacrificed dreams, or who procreate to deny death, or for narcissistic gratification...
How about we respect each other's choices and realise that 'biology is no longer destiny' in almost all aspects of our life,. So that bearing children, and more importantly WANTING children , has for some of us become a genuine and fulfilling choice. From this point of view, this talk was a bit dissappointing.
It wasn't supposed to talk about not wanting child, it was about not being able to have it, even though you desperatly want it. It was about dealing with your loss
I think it's a shame that so many people who would have been great parents are childless due to our current screwed up state of gender dynamics, unrealistic expectations, and economics. Sad.
It's lovely seeing a man approach this topic with the tenderness and care is deserves. Thank you.
Lots of commentary online from men on this topic is so critical to women, who, just like the men, simply found themselves in a world with unfavourable conditions for meeting a partner and having children. It saddens me. I'm only 32 but I'm starting my grieving process already and the pain is deep. I don't see an end in sight to my singleness as a religious woman. In general there are fewer religious men than women, so the gender ratio has not been favorable.
Thank you! You are so right! They don't tell you that IVF takes multiple tries for almost everyone that does it. That's thousands of dollars!!!!
Such a relief to hear I am not alone. Born in the 1970’s where there was no choice about study, university, career…. Look around at 28yrs after missing so many family and social events by being a nurse (rostered on all holidays so “parents and grandparents” could be with their families). When I realised I lost my sense of being a child/grandchild in my late teens and early 20’s and finally reached career stability late 20’s looking for a partner began. Unfortunately never met the right person; and one day the judgement/attitude changed from “There’s plenty of time to oooh when are you going to settle down.” From an era where info about fertility; freezing eggs, parenting alone was scarce….. caring for elderly parents increased, and one day a gynae dropped a comment that less than 1% chance I could fall pregnant. The comments of “you’re not a mother you wouldn’t understand” etc to now treated as an outcast cos didn’t achieve the formula that was planned from birth. It was a time when we didn’t know better and didn’t have the internet. Would be nice if those commenting actually listened to the presentation or equally if it’s not about them just stayed silent if not supportive.
I just found this woman and got so happy thinking "we have a voice!". But no. Quickly I realized she wanted to be a mother.
There's no grief in my CHOICE to be childless. I'm not sure what kind of help this woman is providing. Victimization much?
More young women need to be educated early on the FACT that children are not for everyone. Over 80-90% of humans have no business reproducing. I still don't have a voice out there. So I will keep speaking up for those of us who HAPPILY CHOOSE to mother other things and beings, like dogs, our careers, our own lives, not little humans. It's not for everyone and more young girls NEED TO KNOW that it's OK. There is no reason to grieve and the adage that you will regret later? FALSE. I am over 50 and have not regretted one bit.
I'm glad that you're happy. But didn't you hear the stats she shared? She estimates that 80% of childless women are not so by choice. I was 45 when I realized that people were assuming that I'm childless by choice. People like you have always had a voice, and plenty of support! So much that people assume I'm like you! I'm amazed because I grew up in the 80's - there's nothing that didn't need to be talked about - now I'm 49, menopausal, and childless, and nobody knows anything about any of it!
Agree
I'm 43 and I don't want to be a childless woman. Judy put a voice to my grief and I'm verty thankful for that.
Thank you ! It is very interesting that the trend is going upwards. We seem to be many, but you are so right, quite invisible.
you might be many....for now.
It's an increasingly toxic and stressful world, so of course, the problem will increase.
It 100% is only going to get worse. I was just watching a short documentary on the crisis Japan is currently facing (an aging population and steep decline in birthrates) and at the end they said its projected to happen to most Western European countries and North America within the next generation.
Wouldn’t the overpopulation in some Countries in Africa , Asia and even in parts of Latin America more than compensate for the expected decline in population in Western Countries and Japan?
And again, the comment section makes me feel like puking, showing exactly the kind of misunderstanding, ignorance and incapability of showing empathy the lady in the Tedtalk was pointing at, in many different ways.
So we should all take a knee to make you feel special and validated. Grow a spine and get on with your life. No wonder Oprah made billions off the weak wanting an echo chamber. I found it interesting the clown in the video used the word tribe. She neither a warrior nor a leader.
I've spent more than 20 years and thousands of dollars trying to become a mother. I'm single. I turn 45 next month. I am still childless and wrestle with the idea of whether or not my life has meaning.
I don't mean to sound insensitive (I am an infertile woman myself), but adoption is a very real and viable option to 'create a family'. A mother does not mean a biological birth, and children who are put up for adoption are just as in need of love as biological children. Those women who are childless by circumstance/infertility, why not consider adoption?
Lauryn Collins I think infertile women do consider adoption but it may not be what’s right for them. I think there is a strong biological pull for women to carry their own babies. Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s often why people choose not to adopt. It’s a personal decision and up to the woman/ couple. No one else.
So, my best friend actually loved the idea of adopting before she married, but it didn't work for her husband. It's a complicated world for who can or can't adopt and why. I think it's just safest to assume that people who really want kids have considered it.
Some do. Some really don't want children!
totally agree, I'd have been happy to adopt just as much if not more than having my own, but it's a very difficult path to go down with so many rules and regs that is crazy when just anyone can get knocked up
It is insensitive, and you did mean it. Adoption is NOT real and viable option for many. go to time stamp7:16
I rather be 45 and childless than a 19 year old that gets married with the 1st guy just because he got me pregnant.
You would think that. I thought that. Now at thirty nine I would do ANYTHING for a baby.
@@kelliintexas3575 Adopt
50 50 proposition
monica solis not me. You can always turn your life around at19. Try being 43 and knowing you’ll never have a family. Having watched all your friends a family have and raise their children. Seeing women your age now enjoying friendships with their college age children. Knowing you let down your parents and that you yourself will never be a grandmother either, never be able to pass on your knowledge, not even be a happy memory to someone one day. It’s bleak. You don’t fit in anywhere. The mommies want to be with other mommies and those with grown children just want to talk about them. Plus they have built a network of friendships through years of their kids all growing up together. I suppose if I was a different person, one who wanted to party all the time maybe I would be happy to have my freedom. But that’s not me. It’s lonely even with a husband. Not a lot to look forward to Just getting older and being forgotten.
Agreed.
My husband and I love the idea and influencing the children of our cousins and siblings but we never want kids of our own.
Wow, being a childless woman myself in my 40s, what she talked about really struck a nerve!!! I agree with everything she said, but I'd like to add that ultimately I believe it shows that I have some integrity that I chose to be childless as opposed to being a woman having a child she knows she really can't support and then sooner or later the kid ends up in foster care. But that silent grief she talks about is very real. We are NOT a bunch of so called old maids. We are actually being really smart in some ways. I look up to women like Susan B Anthony- because she chose not to be tied down with marriage and children, she was able to campaign tirelessly to promote women's right to vote. That couldn't have been simple or easy, especially back then. Louisa May Alcott, author of Little Women never married either. So many people out there who have marriage and children, are they really so much happier??? A lot of them aren't.
The bottom line is, unless you are rich and don't care who looks after your kids, you have to give up a number of years of your life to take care of them. Most people I know with kids, their lives are completely taken up by their kids until they are teenagers and then once their kids have kids, they become babysitters to their grandkids. A lot of them love their grandkids to death, but I do notice some stress especially when they are babysitters but also still needing to work to live. Then you have the kids who move away and only call when they need something.
Wow thank you Jody for bringing attention to this. Reading some of the comments below I can see that so much still needs to be done to bring understanding! I love how you talk about grief - it is so real and often not acknowledged and recognised when coming to terms with not being able to have children.
Like every emotion that is exceptionally difficult where love is concerned as grief is there whether you have children or not ask the parents who bury their own! We all have our own life paths according to how we've lived in previous lives, whom many people passively believe in but no real perspective round the belief itself! The stories we choose to remain in will be with or without peace in the present- work to find peace and love within and let the rest go God Bless!
Beautifully expressed . 💔Blessings to you all experiencing these losses. Aunties have a special place in their nieces and nephews. And knowingly best friends children. We should share our children with them, so theirs place in the family, is strong. It can’t replace! But show we care. Much love to all that grieve. 💖💖🕊🥀
thanks for caring. wish more people cared like you.💖🕊
Jody You're truly inspirational and amazing😭the number of times iv turned to You writings online, and now this beeautiful ted talk.
To me You're a True Hero and Thank You for your incredible bravery and courage.
People like You Save lives x
Wow, what a great talk. This speaks of childlessness in the most eloquent and forgiving way. Thank Jody. You have started something extraordinary.
So, so good, Jody. Thank you for bringing more attention to our situation.
If you listen to the talk, it clearly is about women who are childless, not childfree.
Jody thank you for so eloquently explaining exactly how I feel and what it’s been like for me too. I’m part of this tribe.
Fertility seems to remain poorly understood. I know so many in their 20s who had trouble conceiving, but there's also a large percentage of unplanned pregnancies to women over 35 because they were told they were no longer fertile. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Jody, you spoke eloquently about your grief, and I am sorry for your loss. I will remember what you said. Hoping 2020 is a good year for you.
I'm part of the list tribe. My husband and I were never able to have a child. Tried. Also tried to adopt but not successful there either. Thank you for taking about this. I have no one to talk to about it except my husband. No one wants to hear it and women in childbearing years act as if they could catch my infertility if they get too close.
Also I'm the default full time caregiver for parents. Watching them deteriorate and need more and more help is only a reminder that I will have no one to help me. My family does not help with parents so there's no way they will be there for me. I'm hoping that I dint live beyond 75 or whenever I can't do everything for myself.
This is me. I’m forty-five and always envisioned adopting someday. But no matter how hard I try, it seems to be slipping through my fingers. I don’t know whether to accept it or change partners. I told my partner right up front my desires. But 8 years later, he’s changed his mind. I’m heartbroken because I love my partner. But I don’t know if I can let go of this dream of mine. It’s an impossible decision to make.
Such a good talk. You raise so many points that generally do not seem to be talked about or recognised.
Gateway Women run by Jody is an amazing support organisation for those of us childless not by choice, the information and conversation lets us know our strength lies in our tribe...we can heal much of our pain , but scratch us and of course its something thats always there to some degree, we learn to live with it...
Thank you for beautifully articulating how I feel and what I’ve experienced from people.
I often noticed that people who have touched this subject fail to mention how feminism has indirectly affected the dynamic between men and women. I agree that feminism has been a success in many ways for women. It has opened lots of doors for women in terms of careers, lifestyles, wealth, self-determination, etc. All of that is really important for women and society. Unfortunately, we failed to foresee how uprooting family values, completely changing women's roles while keeping men's roles unchanged, having marriage/divorce laws that have not adapted to all of these changes, all of the intentionally/unintentionally negative messages directed at boys/men/fatherhood/motherhood/otherhood, women excelling vs. men falling behind, distrust between the sexes, etc., have contributed to the society we now have. Furthermore, I keep hearing and reading a lot from women and men how the institution of marriage and creating a family is not as appealing as it once was. It's really sad to see and hear women and men who want marriage and kids having difficulties achieving this. All I'm trying to say is, there are plenty of factors that are at play that we are knowingly or unknowingly not addressing. Sorry if my delivery was not good.
Well said.
I agree that feminism have helped women in many ways, but as a woman I hate that these days feminazi is mixing with the ,,original” purpose of feminism. Feminazis teach women that having a family isn’t good etc...
Feminism isn't to blame for women being childless. Without feminism there would be no role for me at all and I'd be better off dead. I didn't wait too long I got ill, and then used and abused by a man. Feminism says women have value that is beyond her 'domestic duties'.
If I had a daughter I would want a world for her where she can study, where she can have a job, and where her friendships matter.
your right - delivery not great, but i think probably your not native English speaking, and if so it was good enough. Anyway, i liked the feminism touch - very very much ignored or actually not even - ironically - conceived of in comments (pun). I dont think anyone intentionally uprooted family values - i think we were socially engineered by our governments in the quest of making money in new ingenious ways. I based that view on the influence of religion decline in countries with the church having significant power compared to countries with the contrary (Ireland, Spain, Portugal, many other Catholic countries) and pockets of USA. THe reason this happens is - more freedom to choose a life style and pursue wealth is OK and encouraged - men and women, and social status and diversification of this - which was not there decades past - influences choices. SO choose status or family - or maybe there is other biological reasons stopping family choice, if so that is sad.
Sometimes I think that feminism was narrowed down too much to make women enter the workplace in the same way that men do. So that in the end, it was mostly good for the economy, meaning employers, who now could chose between many talents, and gradually decline salaries. This all wouldn't have been so bad, if we had new models of community too. But we still hold on to the structures of the nuclear family and a rigid school system, that requires a high amount of housekeeping and child care and doesn't foresee the possibility of having all the kids be in a bunch and do their own thing, or for taking care of one anothers kids and building communities.
Grief makes total sense to me. How could professionals miss it? They're so educated in ivory towers, that they've forgotten women are women and want different things then men.
I'm 42 and childless due to circumstances.
The thought of not having anyone visiting my grave is painful, it made me cry, but I've been processing this journey for some years now, and it's not easy. I've never been a motherly type, but it hit me - i think it's nature and societal expectations. I guess I'll donate my body to science, wth. Only my siblings will miss me.
Thank you for your talk and all your work. Your book 'Plan B' really helped me turn the corner, highly recommended for anyone grieving childlessness.
Feta Brown penno hello this too happened to me when I was childless two years ago until I met an herbalist in africa online who help me in having my own child am really happy if your interested you can message him on WhatsApp 08105081992
Thank you for saying so eloquently what I have felt for so long. 💛
I never experienced any sense of grief or loss because I knew at 18 that I didn't want kids. I am righting the wrongs done to me in my childhood by "re-raising" myself. I have my own birthday parties and special moments, which I share with amazing friends. And I volunteer in my community. For those of us who choose to not have kids, this grief thing is not our experience.
This video wasn't for you.
Wow. I loved how she incorporated the future of the Earth into the end of the talk because that has been my one consolation for not having children - that I’m not subjecting them to a terrifying future. And despite that, the phrase “that our children will inherit” always brings up a pang of grief and anger because I’m not included in that.
I am so glad I am listening to you, I needed to hear a woman who has walked in my shoes. It's hard to relate and connect with mothers, be it family or colleagues. Thank you
Please don't group all women who don't have children into one tribe. I don't want children, never wanted children. I don't grieve, I'm happy with no children.
@George George please, don't kill, tho:) that's not how you make more people :)
meant jealous of your non want of kids lol
She mentioned Childfree women as a separate group.....
She certainly did not group childfree by choice in the same group. She made it really explicit at the beginning of her talk about women who are childless due to circumstances (involuntary childlessness).
She's not grouping all women who don't have children into one tribe. Listen again. (Or not.)
I'm 47, childfree, no regrets, not grieving at all... having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be, these women have drunk the kool-aid about having children being part of womanhood, we are brainwashed by society to produce more consumers and workers for the state
I wish you a long long life
I wanted kids but that was a reason I did not. Because I realized my kids will just be slaves to the ruling class and they aren’t to have lives that are theirs and to build their nice future.
that woman is strong. She would make a great psychologist (at least for me).
Psychologists are expensive.
Grief is not even in my vocabulary being child free. I'm 47 and I love my life with no children. I have so much more to give to humanity than breeding.
Good for you - this talk is not about you or others in your situation.
Great.... I wish I felt like that....its not primarily about people who have what they wanted, the childfree aspect is a part of the stats..
I believe you are missing the point. this is not about women that chose not to have children. and its not about having nothing else to offer. You can not compare your self to a women or man who's deep and natural desire is to create a family and cannot. These are the sort of shallow comments that we can do with out. Perhaps you can consider yourself lucky you did not get the paternal overwhelming urge to make a family and go on your merry way.
43 and just realized this I don't think I can do this anymore
Me too Anita, I'm also 43 and I only want to scream and cry all this pain out of me :,( let me send you a big big big hug.
For years, and I mean like twenty years, I cried every time I went to the gyno because of all the happy pregnant women in the office. Only recently have I learned that there are gynecologists who specifically hold office hours for childless women only, for this very reason. My gyno, however, wasn't one of those. To top it off, I was ashamed to cry in her office. Dammit. Anyway. If you are in your grieving years and this is an issue, please ask if your gynecologist holds non-mommy hours, and if not and you can swing it, find one who does.
good to know. Thank you.
Thank You for speaking up, when most of us hide away, It would be great if people could learn be more understanding. Blessings to you!
This point of view puts out perfectly how selfish the decision of having natural children is.