What no one ever told you about people who are single | Bella DePaulo | TEDxUHasselt
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 มิ.ย. 2024
- Movies, novels, love songs, and even scientific research all seem to tell us the same stories: Everyone wants to find that special someone. Once you get married, you will live happily ever after and you will never be lonely again. However, more people than ever before are living single - often by choice. A close look at the best scientific studies shows that people who get married do not end up happier or psychologically healthier than they were when they were single. The stories we have so often been told are distracting us from other stories about single people that we have never been told. The untold stories help us understand why so many people choose single life and thrive there, often finding meaning, fulfillment, autonomy, mastery, rich and varied personal relationships, and sweet solitude in their single lives.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone” -Robin Williams
Williams committed suicide
@@darkanglestr8line452 Yes, maybe he was unfortunate enough to end up with people who made him feel all alone.
He wasn’t happy. People who remain single die younger
@@user-hw6kq4ne2t divorced people die 9 years younger
I feel like being married is a roller coaster ride. You have ups and downs and to get off the ride is the scariest part. I miss being single.
I spent decades looking for 'the one'. Turns out it was me.
calvin you are a troll - go somewhere else no on likes your kind here youre pathetic.
The great thing is during the creation of your own full, rich life you meet others who have full, rich lives and your growth and satisfaction is exponential as a result.
stfu troll we all see how pathetic you are youre making a fool of yourself
So, Calvin Smith, tell us about your full, rich life. And...really...what are YOU doing here watching this video? I sense bitterness and deep, abiding unhappiness. You'll come back with something sarcastic, I'm sure, but no one will be impressed. Just you. Lonely life, isn't it, Calvin Smith.
It wasn't masturbation humour. It was just humour. I honestly thought you were trying to be funny, too.
My current favorite quote: "If you're lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company. " Jean Paul Sartre
Perfect!
That's gonna be one of my favourites too from now on ;-) One that I personally love is: "Nothing tastes as good, as healthy feels" - ?
nyx cin JP Sartre was a stone cold gangsta pimp
@@freedomworks3976 Sincs he was awarded a Nobel prize for Literature, perhaps you're referring to someone who might travel in your circle of acquaintances?
Being in solitude and being lonely are two completely different things
I spent decades going through one failed relationship after another. Finally i decided to stop dating, give myself time to heal and "work on myself." You know what I found? HAPPINESS.
To be honest I am also happiest when I don’t feel pressured about dating. I spent 2 years detoxing myself from dating scene and I lost 10kgs of weight look better feel better. Just started dating again few months back but now with a different mindset. I don’t date because I need to, and I am fearless in walking away the moment I feel disrespected or not treated well. I don’t HAVE to date.
On my detox too. So far so good
@@anonymous_5720 2 years with someone and I thought so highly of them 2 weeks later she got another boyfriend put them on top of my world but one thing I didn’t realize is that I depended on her for my happiness and not myself
@@Angelsb-ball22 the great part is that you atleast have realized that you shouldn’t depend on her (or anyone) for your happiness.
God is directing you in a better direction, be fearless
that was me, I'm still young tho, but I would rather spend my youthness doing fun stuff, helping my family and friends and working on my dream job!!
I would rather be alone than with the wrong person.
That's true.
@@oaklandsoldier8520 I agree.
I 100% agree. There is nothing worse than being with the wrong person.
Damn straight.
yes
Being single is the most underrated kind of freedom
Single is a blessing
@Sero Azuessounds like someone is trying hard to troll because he is jealous... Get a life or figure out one and leave the rest comfortably in peace.
Amen.
i call that total freedom .
@Sero Azues he agrees actually my cat is single too and we both are happy
as a single woman with no children and fresh into my 40s, i find myself explaining to folks more often than id like. people think im incomplete for some reason... the more i think on it, ive also noticed that people get perplexed and more so angry at the fact that i am a single/no children person who is genuinely happy and can have a well rounded conversation about anything, with no judgment. respecting the way others live is a rare thing. therefore ive learned, to live happily and tell no one.
I am so happy to read your comment on this video. Would you like to give any suggestions to someone like me who intends to live single forever? Finances, elderly care services, and how to be sure about this aspect of whether or not to be a single parent
People fear what they don’t understand
@@pharaohosam i fear a lot. Beeing alone in this world is not great. Getting old and accepting everything in life is just too much.
They are only jealous because they want to be like you but can't be on there own .Embrace your single life .I've been single a long time and love it because the scense of freedome us great .Just love yourself and do what makes you happy ❤️
@@kimbrown6307 isnt it scary to be always alone and sleep alone, etc .. ?
It takes a lot of balls and confidence to talk to a dead audience.
Kudos to you
lol I agree. That could be because most of them are probably not single. You cannot understand what you haven't tasted.
@@priyankasingh1721 But all of them were single at some point, likely for longer periods than coupled. Anyway, I love how damn happy she is; she smiled & chuckled from start to finish!
@@writerforlifeify Being single, and wanting to stay single are two different things. A lot of people want to get married, mostly because that's how they are told. Their parents got married, and even their parents did so we also have to do it. It is conditioning. Most people are scared of the idea of staying alone. That is why so many people spend their entire life in dysfunctional relationships. Not because they don't have an option, but because they can't imagine how their life would be otherwise. Not many people dare to diverge from the pattern.
@@priyankasingh1721 True. Where I live most marry because society keep asking you why you aren't married. Why don't you marry? Why someone is not marrying you? Is something wrong with you?
@@ChardicusFinch Maybe that's her usual style of delivery? Don't know as I haven't seen her speak to an audience in other venues. She appears to be practically gloating over the virtues of singledom (which she so enjoys, as do I) but I'm focusing on the content of her talk, not her manner of presentation. I don't mind her smiles & laughter; at least she's not monotonous. And why cast aspersions on the speaker? She's not responsible for an audience's reaction or lack thereof. How many peeps fall asleep in church or class? Not the priest's or teacher's fault.
A professor of behavioral science, Paul Dolan, recently concluded that the happiest, healthiest, & longest-lived subset in the general population is comprised of SINGLE (never-married) child-free women. I don't doubt it. He says we've suspected this all along but now solid research backs up his claim. The results were less favorable for widows & divorcées. Again, the single women who scored highest in the happiness-health metrics across all age groups were never married or pregnant at all. :)
There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.
I am both.
Kaye Dakota :(
Very true! People often blur the line between them!
You are bad company if you feel lonely!
I AM SINGLE AND NOT LONELY.......DOGS !
sometimes i'm concerned with how much i enjoy being single.
I'm not, it actually reminds me I've made the right choice.
Don't be. I'm exactly the same!
I’m tremendously happy being single ;)
I'm happy single. I'm annoyed people around me don't believe it and keep trying to hook me up with someone.🤣
I m single and happy, there are so many responsibilities and lots of burden I saw in married life. They laughed at me but I don't care.
I’m 67 and single. I love it. When I was a GP, I listened all day to patients complaining about their marriage and/or family problems. I’m much happier than they were.
I hear you! Same here, except I was married twice and the only benefit in being married is to do couple"s events and have a company for adventures like skiing, movies, dining etc. Otherwise, flying solo is the best.
I don't intend to sound intrusive but I am curious to know - how did you became sure in your mind about whether or not you would want to be a single parent sometime in future? Thanks for sharing your experience. I am reading each comment on this video and some of those (like yours) are very touching.
Jealous married people in the audience. This is such an important conversation. Thank you for voicing this, Bella
I don't know personally any single 30+ Year old person that I could admire or aspire to be. Nothing to be jelaous about. They are usually a big kids or wierdos with mental Issues.
@@baassiia dense
@@baassiia You make no sense at all with saying that, but you have a right to your opinion of the Single people you've met. Not all single people have mental issues. There are also plenty of Married people with mental issues as well, like people who stay in abusive relationships just so they are not single. That is mental right there. You seem very close minded. Bless your heart.
@@jessicayoung7132 I not wrote that all of them have mental issues, in fact most of them are just big kids (excatly what I wrote). Self center, neddy and moody, not willing to compromise. Some of them are very sucesfull in their career indeed. Work is about something else that being a partner. Nothing wrong about being single, I just not envy single people anything. People are different and we all value different things.
Haha that's probably true!! Lol! X
I just hate how people in relationships pity single people.. Single people are happy doing their own thing pls respect that.
Don’t you think married people and people in relationships are mocked and belittled more than singles? Look at this lady, what is she doing? I hope she is as happy as she claims.
I fuckijg hate those peeps
@@vendeverous886 no that's why this ted talk exists...
They pity us because they envy us maybe? Freedom is the highest value and relationships create a subtle bondage
I agree to this ! 🔥
I am single, professional, fit and health, with 2 cats. Life is heaven.
cats are heaven on earth
And what do the cats think?😺😸😹😼😽
@Mykel Hardin Cat Lady
@mike h you seem offended that this is lady is expressing her happiness. Why?
Obviously it's because of your cats. That was the point you were trying to make right?
I wish I heard this 30 years ago...when parents and society made us feel guilt and shame for being single. Marriage is NOT for everyone.
Hello sharone, how are you?
@@denniswilliam8867 I'm great, how are you?
@@QueenLoveDesigns I'm fine, where are you from?
honestly most of my life I was pretty content staying single (didn't think I was cut out for relationships) now that I'm turning 29 i'm starting to feel a lot of social pressure since all of my cousins are married and most of my friends are in relationships
its hard some days but I don't feel ready for marriage and im afraid of making a terrible mistake just to feel normal
@@FalconFlyer75 I am also in same situation
The crowd was dead ..you were awesome! Loved your lecture! I’m 47 and single by choice for 12 years and I love my freedom. You spoke the truth!
Doesn't that say something about the majority of people out there and their caring about our experience....
When I got divorced, I swore I'd never marry again ... and all my friends assured me I would ... that my ex just wasn't The One. Well, I'm now 72 and have been joyously single for 35 years ... 👍
Vi Olly wow Ma’am👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Awesome. I'm turning 50 next month and divorced last year to #3 . I've said the same thing that you said. More and more, I don't want to live with anyone else or to be attached in a way where I have to lose me in the process of marriage
I'm much too independent and don't like dealing with other people's issues, messiness, their families, their plans, goals, and designs that always seem to rise above all of my plans designs and goals. Done with not mattering to others.
I am 56 saying the same thing. It just wasn't for me.
@@kellykirkpatrick8978 I realized this when I was 20 and women specifically WW looked at me crazy! I'm 39 still not married don't even have children and couldn't love life more. When I say I cry tears of joy all the time they (married w/kids) look at me like I'm crazy!lol
Vi Olly good for you. I’m in my early twenties and quite independent. Would possibly like a partner. Wish there was more representation of happy non married women in society. I say power to people who want a documented partner and those who don’t!
I've got that one single uncle in the family and he's the happiest individual ever!
Also known as a "Funcle" - lol
I'm that uncle. All of my nieces and nephews tell me this all the time.
I have an uncle like that. He's going to be 80-years old this year, he looks 60! No wife and no children for him equaled minimal stress. He constantly walks everywhere he goes. Happy and healthy. It's very rare to love and be loved at the same time.. you usually get one or the other, and being on either side sucks.
i have one like that too. he's my bff!
Your my nephew? Yep, can relate. I'm that guy. Some are very jealous.
People who are terrified of, "Growing old alone," really need to deal with that fear. The mathematical odds are strong that you will likely outlive your partner or spouse and end up alone or get divorced and end up alone. Get comfortable in your own skin now and you may find that living alone is actually pretty great when you learn how to take on the challenges proactively.
U said it beautifully 😍 ❤
All God’s creatures die alone
Isnt that special.i was with a girl years ago that came back and we lived together many years.wasted my time on her!she had once said we will die together.well,last year at 60 she passed away from terminal cancer.the entire time she didn't listen to me,didn't properly take care of herself or even our pets when I was away,other things.i literally wasted my best years on this woman and for what?most woman are assholes anyway from my own observation over the years.
True. Most people end up alone in the end. Im just one step ahead of them. And have no anger or resentment against a partner or from a partner daily. Like most married people I know. Have to listen to a lot of complaining. 😅
When I was in a relationship I don't ever remember being whole and complete like I do when I am single🌟 Happiness is a personal journey ✌
👊
Glad I'm not unhappily stuck in a quarantine with someone I don't love
Tea
i'm quite happy isolating.....i have 6 great, well-mannered rescue dogs who love me unconditionally......a huge , fenced yard for all of us to romp in......i find joy in every day......
there has never been a better time to be single. All those smug marrieds suddenly finding out that having children ain't so wonderful after all.
Yes!
I was. I got rid of him. Three weeks later, it's f*cking bliss!
I think the ones in the audience who aren't smiling are feeling a silent chill run through them as they realise the truth about their own relationships
I had never known the profound depths of loneliness as much as when I was married to this unfaithful man...one is doomed to all the needless compromises in a marriage. Trust me, solitude in singleness is a blessing indeed.
amen Robin
I'm sorry to hear you went thru that.
After being married for 48 years I'm now single. The freedom is excellent! I'm so much happier now as a single lady than I ever was as a wife. I probably was intended to be single my whole life, but I fell for the fairytale and was tied down for most of my life. After spending the past 3 years single, I'm totally loving my freedom now!
Me too
I am also happier now I’m single. Best thing about the marriage was having three great kids. Will not get trapped again!
And you are still single ? I'm 25, being alone is painful for me. Every day.
Happiness is a state of mind. You can be as happy or sad as you choose to be. Choose to be happy and you may surprise yourself. @@Damian12312
@@Damian12312 I have three children. They do not live in my city but they phone me. I have a dog. I have friends that I see a few times a week. I talk to people when I walk my dog. I have old friends I other cities that I talk to. I know the feeling of loneliness. It is fleeting mostly. I am happier now than in my relationship. You are young. You have not build up the long relationships with kids and old friends. You might want to find a way to start getting people into your life. I wish you happiness.
I think that the entire audience is married so they were all annoyed or jealous bc she is so happy.
trueeee
That’s what I thought. They looked in shock .
They represent the status quo mainstream who have drank the koolaid and are in disbelief that there could be an alternative route to happiness and not just the marriage narrative that society only accepts.
Yeah😂
Yeah you could feel the envy seeping out 😂
You can be very lonely too if you married with a person who has very different values and lifestyle from yours.
Xing Xiao ["what is your chinese zodiac sign?"]
Good thought. Resumes, ?
Also I believe people perceive we are so far away from each other when energetically we are connected. I connect with people super easily and can feel them from afar easily (hyper empathic), I spend zero time in loneliness. I know it's not the norm, but it should be considered, as we are taught to build up walls around ourselves to protect us from all the toxicity in the world.
Trapped as well. That is worse than loneliness.
I’ve never felt lonelier than when in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner.
The first time I felt properly happy was when I realised I didn't want a partner. I'm glad more and more people are realising the same thing.
I am so happy to read your comment on this video. Would you like to give any suggestions to someone like me who intends to live single forever? Finances, elderly care services, and how to be sure about this aspect of whether or not to be a single parent
Single person: I'm single and happy
People in toxic relationships: Wait. That's illegal.
Society fools them to believe they have to be partnered to win in life lol.
😂
love that statement! I did a lil satire sketch on society standards - if anyone wants to check it out, I'm a quite newbie her on yt and would be happy to get some feedback, no matter of positive or negative. Oh, and I'm single
I've never seen this, ever.
Yeah! For some reason people assume any relationship is a good relationship.
Whenever I am sad that I'm single, I remember the people who are in abusive relationships and who wish that they are single like me.
That's what I remind myself of too when I'm upset about being single. Especially since it's Covid and Domestic violence has risen.
as someone whose only ever been in abusive relationships and I'm only 20, I DO NOT WANT TO DATE ANYONE EVER AGAIN. Relationships and companionship are WEAK compared to the happiness I feel now I'm fully on my own and independent. Never ever looking back.
The lack of $ is sad rather than being Single ..
That was me. I just got out of a domestic violence situation three weeks ago. I'm staying single for life. Not going through it again!
@@PurplePinkRed congratulations on your freedom from a horrible situation! I wish you well
I honestly find my married friends the most depressing people I've ever met, and I thank god everyday I will never fall for that trap: for I am not afraid of my loneliness , I thrive on it!
Exactly! It's pretty rare that you find 'the one' and spend 50+ years of your life in married bliss and then die together. Normally people settle out of fear of being alone, then it's 10 years of 'ok' relationship with increasingly numerous odd arguments, constant stress and insults, then passive aggressive tolerance into middle age, then constant bickering and barely spending time together after retirement and/or one of you dying earlier than the other and the remaining individual grows old alone anyway. More than likely with open or not so open cheating at some point along the way. May as well embrace the single life from day one, plan ahead, and meet other single people to hang out with instead. If need be, get a housemate to share the bills. I'm happy to find a man to be lifelong friends with, without any legal or moral ties, if such a thing exists. I also have a big family who are having kids on my behalf. But I only rely on myself to be there when I need it, as other humans don't know me as well a I know myself and don't (and can't) have my best interests at heart.
BritBit You’re so accurate in your depiction of marriage. My parents got married (24,29), and they’re middle age and SO passive aggressive.
Also, so many nice people are in these comments. It’s rare to find people so woke and self aware and into self care 💕💕💕
being alone is not being lonely
Your *aloneness
All the best
She’s great and keeps her energy despite the audience!
Oops, was there an audience?
I used to feel jealous of my friends getting married but now I'm glad it didn't happen to me because they are all devorced and the affairs they used to tell me about were shocking .Love my single life 😊😊😊
they all cheat!
Lol sure you do
Love being single ❤️❤️
I'm the same, don't understand why some people are so desperate for a relationship when they go wrong so often
I needed to be alone to find me, it is a scam to look for another half. I am a whole.
Thank you
yup
Abibatu Bangura it’s about time someone said this.... I’m glad👍🏽
Wise words.
Tangerine Dream fan I agree. As if we’re half of a person or half as important as married people
Truth
The loneliest I've ever been was in a marriage.
@@sophiakh9590 husband must have been ignoring her
Ditto
really ? why ?
With wrong person yes. When its dead.
I know how that is. I was married with 3 step kids and felt like a ghost in the house. It was a weird horrible feeling. When I moved out and had quiet solitude I couldn't be more happy.
Never been in a relationship, never will. You’ll never know how life is beautiful when the only person you have to deal with is YOURSELF.
Wow, so true 👍
Loved to learn how much clarity you had in your mind.
I love how happy she is. The crowd seem a lil salty haha. Personally I have seen the benefits of being single and love, enjoy my own company, I'm not scared of being on my own yet but I have seen married couples in healthy relationships thrive, grow together and have purpose in their lives also. There are benefits in both instances in my opinion.
That lady is not happy, of that I am certain. Watch it again.
@Anthony Her fake smile doesn’t deceive me for a second. She is actually very unhappy.
@Anthony I maintain my position sir, look at her eyes not her smile. Btw your ad hominem will not work on me.
@@vendeverous886 well, at least she has a better personality and way of talking than you.. Lol.. So, it's better to be this kind of unhappy than being in a relationship and developing a wrong attitude towards everyone who refuses to follow the crowd 🙄
@@EverythingEsoteric11 ??????
Man here. Single for 20 years after divorce. No kids.
I handle my own without ridiculous, absurd requirements, expectations & standards just fine. Ups & downs of life just fine. No divorce, no alimony, no drama, no preassure, no depressions, no arguments, no fights, no blackmail. No nothing bringing me down.
I travel, I buy my own clothes.
I volunteer. I take care of myself. Enjoy my music.
I'm perfectly fine!
And I want to remain that way
MGTOW 4 life
👌🏼👌🏼
Inspiring man!
Yes yes yes! Personal freedom above all.
Me too,. ❤️
I'm a lifelong single at 53. Never really dated, or ANYTHING. And, I'm very happy. Who needs the DRAMA?
you've missed out A LOT. just don't date morons. there are some freaking amazing people out there.
@@xxxmmm3812 You're the one missing out, you completely missed what op said. Happiness is short term, contentment and peace is long-term and given that she's 53 and a few decades older than you have some respect and learn to understand that not everyone finds happiness in the same things as you. People and their circumstances are always very different.
If you are happy, you are happy, I guess that's what matters. However, I guess drama with full capitals does not necessarily come along just because you have a relationship / date. All the best in any case!
Hey spot on leave the DRAMA for the Movie makers
@@xxxmmm3812 I'm calling troll, you're all over the comments spewing self righteous BS.
Tbh being single is the least stressful thing you can do for yourself. The mental energy you have to put into another person is exhausting doesn't matter whether you're in love with them or not 🤷🏼♀
I am 56 and single. Had a few relationships that never turned out. I have somewhat made peace with it. The worst part has always been those older female family members who kept asking why I wasn't married. I finally shut them up but telling them that I was planning on getting married, but I discovered that I really, really like sleeping around.
LOL! Serves them right. Those of them who might finally realize how judgmental they were being toward you might have potential yet.
😅🤣😂
🤣😂 It your life not their life!
I thought marriage was totally over rated. I would rather be single and be in total control of my environment and have peace.
jay hulrs Same. My friends are getting married already, some are dealing with mother inlaws and his family who don’t hide their hate for her. I can’t put myself in that situation life is too short, I’m here to enjoy and if I have to do it alone so be it 💃🏾
More freedom + in control of your Money when you want = Smiles ;)
I have been with my wife since 81, and I get mad at her at times, but she is the one I can not get enough of ( < I am NOT talking sex there). I have found that the concept of friendship is a bit over rated.
@@tinasnow2006 good on you ;)
@@tinasnow2006 Get a rich old(no inlaws) brainwashed say Catholic single rich farmer that has his habits so nothing new to work around and then you can have land and riches. Too long term...green jello(sister had a healthy one with 2 farms). Marriage has many other pluses. You can be a career wife. The miserable unhealthy willing to divorce and enjoy a cutey the last year after the new house is built on a rich hill in outskirts of town(exs Mother did this so I got the details). I get 20% and bennies open(guaranteed plan). But hurry when they are gone they are gone.
Being single or married should be your OWN choice...not someone else's such as society's. It is PSYCHOTIC to demand or obey such creeds. Follow your soul.
Who's demanding anything?
Not all successful relationships require those to be married either. Everyone on here is basically a pro-singles echo chamber where anybody who has a differing opinion gets berated and thumbed down. I say they are also psychopaths in their own right as well!
@@beegee5305 Family! Friends! Etc.
Thank you for your comment. My family is constantly telling me i should date someone, right now i’m crying because i just don’t want to. Why can’t they understand?
When I was in my twenties, I thought the worst thing that could happen to me was to still be single at 40. Between 40-45 I was so depressed. It took me until my fifties and into my sixties to realize that not all married people are divinely happy. I believed that if someone I desired wanted to marry me, it was a sign of my self-worth. It would prove to the world I was worthy. I interviewed many married people and learned people get married for all kinds of reason. I don't think the response to never getting married is putting marriage down. Being single is great. It's the way society looks at single women of a certain age that is awful.
If they pity us so much why do they actively demean and make fun of us? They should be kind if pity is the main emotion. I am pretty sure it's that certain types of men seek to make our lives miserable. and promote these idea/stereotypes to people that don't know any better . They don't want us to be happy. so they make it so we are not respected. Why don't they want us to be happy? Because they want us all to marry and be their slaves.
I am so happy to read your comment on this video. Would you like to give any suggestions to someone like me who intends to live single forever? Finances, elderly care services, and how to be sure about this aspect of whether or not to be a single parent
Huge difference between opting for being single, and forced to adapt to being single
^^
Yes! I’m glad to see this comment. Single was nice for a while, but for me deep down I want companionship and to be known. I did get anxious when living with someone and the pressure of what marriage was, maybe I just chickened out... :/ But now I am sort of forced and learning to live alone.
@@Liz-in8lu wow, totally understand you!!!
Yes, the want for a partner is there. The offer from said partner is not. When you have a choice, it's great. When you don't, then what? You cannot tell me it's great when humans are social animals.
What happens when you are alone and have no one? What if you're the single one with no friends or relatives or anybody else? What about those kind of people? The unwanted?
OMG finally someone who knows living single is great!!!
Singlehood = peace and quiet
daboys1215 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Yes!
Yep 👍🏼🌻
Single for me is very busy. Sleep is had to come by.
It what you accepted. enjoy
I’m 39 and so excited to finally be single again after 14 years of relationships.. I don’t even want to date... there is so much I want to do that requires total focus and freedom. The give and take of relationships can be out of balance if one person is more empathic or sensitive than the other. And this has been my experience, that I tend to over-give emotionally and that is not valued or repaid. I often feel that I am teaching my men how to be emotionally responsive and it becomes exhausting. I now can focus on my art and career and sleep better than I have since childhood. It’s refreshing to be single.
I am so happy to read your comment on this video. Would you like to give any suggestions to someone like me who intends to live single forever? Finances, elderly care services, and how to be sure about this aspect of whether or not to be a single parent
Yes, agree. I'm 27 and I honestly love being single. I value my need for solitude and I feel more at ease being by myself
@@renek2913 Good on you, that's great that you know what's right for you
AMEN!
I believe happinnes is not dictated by being single, married, or whatever. Different people have different needs
Being single is great. A lot less stressful honestly.
TokyoBlue
No snoring 😴 in the ears 👂- lol 😂
I agree! Being able to just focus on myself has been a relief.
Yes absolutely! Still thinking about some plans, not-sleeping because of snoring...
I strongly believe that people who feel like they have to be in a relationship have unaddressed issues from within.
Or maybe it's just instinctual urge for procreation. Without the people like that, you wouldn't exist to make this comment in the first place.
@@oreste8570 Nobody asked to exist anyways. Our parents didn't ask for our permission. Why are you so rude?
Even Christ has issues... is feeling whole alone healthy? Question of Balance.
Yep, but our society is so brainwashed that we all think it's the other way around. That being single is the most horrible lonely prospect. There are plenty married w/kids people who are miserable.
Somebody who strongly feels either way has unadressed issues, and a lack for openess to life however it comes.
I can believe this, I've been in a few relationships and they never made me feel less lonely or more connected. In fact feeling lonely in a relationship was always the worst kind of loneliness.
I LOVE being single. I would trade it for NOTHING. And this woman's infectious smile only makes me happier with my decision 🥰😎
same
Being married doesn't make you live longer, it just makes it seem that way.
Posting an old cliche' that I've heard a hundred times doesn't make your comment read longer, it just seems that way.
Anthony Starfield :-D
It's not an old cliché, it's an old joke.
+Strangely Jamesly
single not virgin people mean?
Strangely... I laughed, good one!
I am a single no romantic interest and I am very happy and stress free. Very content at peace...
I have always been like this as long as I can remember. Never wanted to be married. Not bitter, never been hurt, just like being single. Thank
You for this ted talk ❤️
holly mccutcheon you so pretty. It’s great seeing older single happy women, im in my early 20’s, not bitter I’m happy warm and introverted. People stigmatize single women and idk why, seems to be a projection of their insecurities
im single and ready to mingle lnao
And gorgeous too !
Wanna be my cuddle partner?
Holly mccutechon me too, I'm in my thirties and happily living my single life. Always been that way , never felt finding a romantic partner is an end game.
What an intelligent, attractive, courageous and interesting woman, thank you for your lecture
Thank you for dispelling the myths. I’m not sure where this stereotype single people are all lonely and bitter came from. You can just tell by the audience reactions that some people will refuse to change their misconceptions even when facts are presented. It is unfortunate society still has this view on single people, but more people like this lady speaking out is a great and needed start
What Bella is saying here is that there is a stigma attached to being single and that it needs to be addressed
Erica H. bang on buddy
yes I agree
If it had only been you, this whole talk could have been 4 seconds long instead of 18 minutes.
Erica H. - Mostly among church members. Reality? Even among poor bible believers, infidelity and divorce constitute the ultimate outcome. Before that, fierce fighting or not talking & sleeping with backs turned, because sometimes the cost of divorce is too high financially and socially.
Stigma by blue pillers is quite a compliment actually
Being single - one of the last acceptable prejudices. Thank you, Bella, for raising people's consciousness on this issue.
And heaven forbid you don't want (or particularly like) children!! There must be something seriously wrong with you!! (Not really, I have loads more disposable income and take holidays wherever and whenever I want. Amongst many other reasons)
it makes a lot of sense, raising children should be viewed the same as a career: you want to add a well raised child to our population and treat as a serious science that's hard to perfect.
Climate change due to over population and yet the married people get the government welfare, add in some kids and it really adds up$$$. It's a broken system telling single people they are the ones out of sync. She is right, NEVER apologize to the "broken system" trying to guilt you into its dark game.
crack is a powerful drug... climate change is not caused by overpopulation... welfare is a very important system, even if it's abused you can't deny the immense benefit it gives. it's one of the ways roosevelt ended the great depression. cut the military budget, end of story.
i have never met a single person in my life, on the internet, or through media who has said single people have a negative impact on society. only japan cares because they're birth to death ratio is now less than one, so there's legitimate concern for the future of their country as their country will slowly shrink into nothing if the trend continues for too long.
Do you know MANBEARPIG?
The minute I got married I felt robbed and I did not feel whole again until he divorced me. I have never regretted a single moment of being single. Emotionally, I am at peace. I don't regret having children because I knew one day they would be gone and I would be by myself. This still flabbergasts my daughter-in-law.
Marriage usually inherits children, friends usually disappear. Single people without children can come and go, and have to answer to no one. Single is the new norm.
Dating is actually incredibly stressful. It's not necessarily a happy and relaxed time.
@Lateisha Jordan Coming from a woman who just went through an unsafe dating experience, you're exactly right.
Hahaaa... it SUCKS.
Just leave the dating scene
Dating is not that bad. You just have to go with 0 expectations, and happy that you may meet an interesting person :)
Its such a waste of time. Ill never go on a date for the rest of my life
I am single and never been married, I am 63 and I am fine, marriage won t fix loneliness, you have to be comfortable with yourself
I agree with you Larry!
so very true...
How could you know if you haven't tried it yourself a single time? ) Don't be so silly. ) there is nothing to be proud of.
@@robin_birdie_ you just know
This is only good advice for men, women on the other hand have all their work still ahead of them.
I never felt more alone than when I was in a relationship. I never felt so continuously sick as I did when I was in a relationship. I never wanted a relationship so I assumed that I was an independent woman even when I agreed to be with my partner and yet I ended up thinking to myself after 2 years of sorrow, “ I’d rather be miserable than be without him.” It still saddens and shocks me to this day the mindset I had cultivated. I’m sure there are numerous couples out there that are happy but Darlin… just know that those sad moments of feeling lonely are worth the constant feelings of being in anguish. It’s ok to want someone but work on yourself first and remember you are whole and amazing even without a partner.
I'm glad I was in a relationship for years that I was absolutely miserable in. Why you ask? It taught me to NEVER allow myself to be that unhappy again. Now I have passion and sheer conviction about happiness that I didn't have before. Not being happy for years made me appreciate happiness so much more! Nothing on this planet is better than happiness, it's pure bliss! Now, I'm the NRA about my happiness, you'll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands!
👌🏼💣@@mjohnson1741
Over 20 years ago, in my mid 30’s I read the book “The Improvised Woman”, and it changed my life. Up until that point it had simply never occurred to me that a single life could be an option that would bring happiness. So what was a circumstance for me turned into a choice, and it was such a relief when I let go the idea that I must be in a romantic relationship to be fulfilled.
It's refreshing to read so many feel-good comments about how great life is being single. We need more positive, single role-models and less being made to feel guilty or bad!
Same, strange usuary of TH-cam.
Well i'm single and yeah there's good moments to being lonely but the cons outway the pros to me. Been single 5 years and i've only gotten more unhappy.
@@TheShadowPerson. you do you. There's no right or wrong anyway cus it's all about choice. Nothing wrong if you love being single or love being in a relationship
I love this woman, too bad the crowd is so dead
Agree. Every single cut-away of the audience shows them uncomfortable, defensive, even pissed-off. Are they thinking about their own relationships and becoming bummed out? Or do they think she's full of it? Probably all of the above. But no one seems engaged, interested, buying in...(So why are they even there? Hmmm.) One could mine a lot of "gold" just monitoring and assessing the temperature of this room. It would speak volumes and likely buttress a lot of what she's saying...
Yes I think this is a good speech but she is speaking to the wrong audience.
It is fortunate this is now on the internet where it can reach the right audience. People all over have been so conditioned to think that marriage and married life are the ultimate goal that I understand the audience feeling uncomfortable. They're being told it's all a lie.
I think she was over joyful Lin her way of speaking
Like she is compensating in a way
But I totally agree with her, as 27 girl I don’t see my happiness in getting coupled
She would have more credibility if she would approach it as a serious subject and not smile through the whole thing
I love being single. I love living by myself.
Been down all those roads , now I am 63 and this woman totally speaks the truth.
If I had gotten married I would have been miserable , lonely , depressed and divorced LOL . But no , here I am in my own home with the things I love and happy as a bee 🐝 🤗
I am so happy to read your comment on this video. Would you like to give any suggestions to someone like me who intends to live single forever? Finances, elderly care services, and how to be sure about this aspect of whether or not to be a single parent
I don't mind being single, but I love having someone that cares for me.
A dog
how now?
Misougámi
Get a pet!
Doesn't mean he will care for you if you get married. God cares for you.
I get that!! It’s normal to want companionship. As humans we are designed to be partnered up. To have that connection and to share love with another person, it’s what makes us feel alive, being vulnerable. There’s also nothing wrong with being single. Society dictates too much of what is norm. Times have changed and there are plethora of quality things one can choose and embark on that can be fulfilling as finding the right mate. Think we should just celebrate our differences and carry on. ✌🏽 ❤️
I've been single my whole life. Decided to be happy with it...because no one is coming to save me.
Because relationships are very difficult now, some people, plus Myself are just not interested anymore we instead focus on ourselves to be independent
Is a structure one must Build, despite age and time, we are just Ordinary people, we dont know where to go, we sleep with no hope of assurance of waking up Is faith otherwise we dont sleep. Blue I had love to meet you?
Well, some people are not as lucky as others, some people actually died alone, I know a guy of age 58 and never got a girlfriend in his lifetime
Christopher Labedzski To be fair, you can die alone even if you’ve been in a relationship or if you’re married like the husband dies years before the wife does.
Blue Bird very true
Although I agree with most of the things she said, I think the picture changes when ones dream is to have kids and form a family. I think It’s easier to embrace singleness when the person doesn’t care about having their own family .
Yeah I never particularly wanted kids so it is hard to look at things from the perspective of those that do.
the last sentence downplays singleness as not caring about having a family. I know a woman who dearly wanted children and had them who did not want a partner. She is now in her 70's and our family gets together for holidays, birthdays, and fun times for the heck of it. She wasn't indoctrinated in to the religious, societal, fairy tale "dream" but still had a caring family. love you mom
Thank GOD! Someone finally said it, and put it so eloquently.
That her opening words, introducing herself as having been single her whole life were so powerful, really says it all
After my divorce 23 years ago, I thought that I'd like to get married again. But I never put any effort into meeting anyone. Some time ago I realized that I wasn't willing to put the effort into finding "Mr. Right" because it really didn't bother me to be living on my own. I enjoy living my life on my terms.
I think it's not just about being single or married. It depends on a quality of your relationship with yourself, family, friends, etc. You can feel yourself lonely in both ways.
I'm 62 yo and single and I am oh so happy. I just don't wish to gloat. Marriage sounds like a great way to progress spiritually and emotionally as well as other ways, I just think it's better for me to fly solo with a great community around me. Beautiful talk, Thank you, Bella.
I am so happy to read your comment on this video. Would you like to give any suggestions to someone like me who intends to live single forever? Finances, elderly care services, and how to be sure about this aspect of whether or not to be a single parent
I've never seen a more buoyant, effervescent speaker than Bella. Thank you for this. I have always been happy being single but I aspire to have at least an ounce of her energy and light when I'm her age.
That audience was dry as hell!
looked like a MGTOW embittered toward women crowd who didn't find sweet little grandma funny.
Mario Coleman boring boring people. She was cracking me up
Gotta give her props for trucking through with humour despite how disagreeable the crowd was. You go girl!!
I think she bored the audience.
Mario Coleman I know right? She was so great, she didn't deserve an audience like this.
Marriage is what you make it. Singleness is what you make it....
The End!
Unfortunately for marriage is the 2 of you....someone can decide to cheat while the other one is faithful and the is nothing you can do about it....
@@PatrickRams You can maybe look for the right person to marry instead of marrying someone you met 6 months ago because they're really hot.
A lot of guys would have saved themselves a world of hurt if they hadn't put a ring on it because she had a pretty face.
@@BigUriel I get what you are saying,what you are saying does help but still is not a guarantee that once you marry it will all work out....I know people who have dated for years before they marry but still divorced down the line
You can never truly know someone,people change, situations change... that's what makes marriage a risk...it might work,it might not work...it takes two to tango and if one partner is not tuning to the dance,there is nothing you can do about it....
@@BigUriel Exactly. I could not have said this any better myself.
You can't make it. Married people can't decide what they want without approval of the other.
This was extremely helpful as I am 47 year old woman who has been single for long stints of time and feel that I will probably never get married. Thank you. We need more happy stories about single people.
I am so happy to read your comment on this video. Would you like to give any suggestions to someone like me who intends to live single forever? Finances, elderly care services, and how to be sure about this aspect of whether or not to be a single parent
49 years old and happily single...I value my independence and love having the bed and covers all to myself. If "the one" shows up maybe i'll change, but not until then...and i'm not waiting on him to have an extraordinary life
I've never been as lonely as I was when I was married.
True. I am not lonely being single. I am not looking for love. One can be lonely married or even in a roomful of people. Most sad when married.
I cried every day after I married. He was not the same
He changed after marriage.
I did not have a help mate.
He acted like I was his enemy.
No caring, compassion. He
Was hiding $, 🤥 lying,
What a nightmare. Marriage
Is a can of worms and dangerous to your mental
Health,and bank account.
Some are blessed with
A dedicated loving partner.
But that was not the case
For me. Good luck to
You all.
@@marshamcdonald1475 he was hiding the whole time hun. Your far better off now.
SAME!!!!
Same thing
I’m single and loving it. Good job, money and freedom. I have a lot of friends who are married with kids - they look depressed and so unhappy. My worst nightmare.
I'm slowly realising that single life is for me. I've been in and out of relationships throughout my adulthood. I am more relaxed when I'm not in a relationship, and my ambitious have always been around learning and adventure, not kids and marriage. As long as I have friends I can rely on, I don't need to be in a romantic partnership. I'm also a Highly Sensitive Person and introvert, so living with someone else is always going to be annoying :D
True, plus there's the internet now so it's easier to make online friends. There's isnt a need for us to find a partner unlike in the past cus times has changed
As an HSP and Introvert person who is married...I can attest that some days are great, but other days are really trying. I have my own way about things and sometimes that is misunderstood or I am not heard. Also, I am a homebody-- so when my in laws want to travel/party/etc, I am expected to be there but it causes me a headache to be involved in. I just want to peacefully sit in a desk all day, write my stories, take long nature walks and never argue.
What she is saying is true. I've been married twice, and I lost myself, meaning I became what they wanted me to be. Now I'm single over 11 years now, and I love myself. I know who I am. I'm very independent, and most of all, I'm so happy content ☺️ and know who I am again. Women are stronger than u think. I love my single life day and night. It's me and my dogs now 😂😂
Happiness have very little to do with marriage. Happiness has to do with the pursue of goals. If you have nothing you want to do, you get depressed. It doesn't matter if you are single, married or whatever. If you are looking for other people to make you happy, you will never be truly happy. The best advice I got when I was a kid, was to set goals. If you have no goals, you get bored. If you are bored for too long, you get depressed.
If you don't have any personal contacts you will get depressed as well.
True, but sometimes you may have important goals - just important, not difficult - and no matter how much you try, you fail. Bad circumstamces can put a halt. This can cause depression as well.
@@pcdispatch Of course you need human contact but us humans can decide what it looks like for each of us on a individual basis.
Big facts
thats all true but having some major goals that align with the ones your partner for life has and making it big together is bomb, there is no way you could be as happy crushing it alone than with another.
Don't assume that because one is married that they are partnered with "The One" --- merely someone sufficient
Is a structure one must Build, despite age and time, we are just Ordinary people, we dont know where to go, we sleep with no hope of assurance of waking up Is faith otherwise we dont sleep., I had love to meet you?
Very good point. How many people mayor their dream partner- not many I bet
And THAT is more than enough. 🙏❤
There's no "the One". You are supposed to marry someone who supports and cares for you and whom you find attractive.
I agree with the merely someone sufficient. I believe that most people settle and never really find "The One"
I always feel better after watching Bella's TED talk, she is so intelligent, beautiful and charming. Thanks Bella for your decades of research and shining the light for us single at heart folks.
Single people are the most happy people on the planet.
Bella DePaulo is my hero. Everything she says, I've said a million times to my well-meaning married friends and family members--just without the stats. And I always get the feeling they think I'm in denial. Why is it so hard to believe that you can be single AND happy?! My life's far from perfect--gotta work, gotta eat--but none of my stress has anything to do with my relationship status!
djdiox ditto.
djdiox Tell me about it. One of the first arguments they use is that *I must have a reason for avoiding marriage*, when the reality is that *I don't have a reason for wanting to get married*. But apparently, the basic instinct of all people is to go get married and if you don't want to, then something must have scared you off, and you are secretly suffering until they "help" you discover why and solve it. *smh*
"if you don't want to, then something must have scared you off, and you are secretly suffering until they "help" you discover why and solve it." This, while they are often ignoring the issues in their own relationships. I used to think the grass was greener (i.e. I would be happier married) until I looked over the fence at other relationships and saw how things were less than ideal. I still want to get married but I also know that if I'm not happy and content being single then I will not be happy and content being married.
djdiox Perfectly put! I love that last sentence 👍
what make you think life is about being happy
Honestly, every time I start dating again I get a little stressed and sometimes even triggered. I love myself and my single life. I'm 29 now and I only had 2 serious relationships and a handful situationships that ended up quite messy. I always thought that being married is the ultimate goal and lead to happiness. Now seeing all the marriages around me being actually not THAT happy and great I really feel glad that I only have to take care of myself. I finally found peace in being single. Although I'm totally open for love and a relationship (I love men, some of them are pretty cool tbh) I don't feel like I NEED it for a happy life. And that is quite a relief.
You got it girl! And this doesn't mean you can't have a relationship. it means your standards are so high that you won't lose yourself in one.
@@deborahcurtis1385 I agree with your assessment! This is my thoughts too! After a divorce! I love my solitude now and sick of dealing with narcissistic husband!!! My life level up big time and I’d I met someoen then great as I’d love a realionshio but I can eat alone and no problem doing that now! Took me awhile to see my worth as he tried to Destroy it! I rose big big time and leveled up!
I’m the same age and came to the same conclusion. Being single is freedom. 💫 enjoy it!
Names to strike off my list.
There's nothing better than the freedom and options that come with single.
Single is no longer a lack of options , but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day happily and let your ever after work itself out.
-Mandy Hale
Having been on both sides of the fence, in either case a healthy sense of self is key. Being lonely inside a relationship is FAR worse than "maybe" experiencing loneliness as a single.
Amen to this!
I will take the initiative here and apologize to Bella DePaulo for the audience in this video. What is wrong with them? This video is hilarious! They didn't even laugh about the ducks getting married! What a bunch of lame ducks! Regardless the speaker is so comfortable because she doesn't need their approval, no surprise there!!
Agreed. A lonely person inside a marriage is far more socially invisible than a person living by themselves.
@@RiverLewis I think its also because the majority of the audience is married and unhappy..and therefore not finding the speaker's amusement funny.😂😂
Exactly ! Being miserable in a relationship is far worse than the fear of being alone .
So enlightening. When I am with someone I am so stressed, when I am by myself I am really happy and relaxed. Life is hard already, why do I double the hardship? The soceity's brain-washing on how happy couples are is just not true. So glad she is trying to straighten things out.
Fu.
Many years ago, Woman’s Day magazine did a huge study and found the happiest people were married men followed by single women, single men, and the most unhappy were married women!
Additionally there is a stigma of being both older and being single.
I have been the most miserable in a relationship. I love autonomy and creativity and have my friends when alone
Same. Very miserable in Relationships love my introvert self
A great talk. And yet the faces in the audience don't look happy to be hearing it AT ALL.... Is it really that hard to accept that people can be happy while single?
I dont think there in disbelief that happy single people exsist. Its more that she is talking abouth it as if all single people secretly want to be single, but most realy want to find love. Chousing to be single forever means you truely only rely on yourself at most occasions and most people dont want that. But what most people makes so unheapy in relationships is that they diddnt expect having to work so hard on it. People who stay single do know this and choose to work on them selfs instead.
vayas09
Yes- societal conditioning
Brainwashed into marriage being the only answer or acceptable outcome
It will take time for society to be less ridged in its marriage views
Come on- probably why such a high divorce rate . Many free spirit type/People getting married out of social pressure- obligation - conformity - when in their heart deep down happy to be single. Thus leads to high divorce rate. 😉
Been there- done that- remaining single now ( free spirit ).
It's especially hard for people to accept that single people might CHOOSE (gasp!) to be single ON PURPOSE (gasp!) because they LIKE IT (gasp!) and that they're not just making the best out of a less desirable situation.
I'd love to read a fairytale where the princess remains single and goes off on adventures instead! If I was any good at writing, I'd create it myself! haha
I would have given an standing ovation applause.
We've been forcibly subscribed to a version of love & monogamy & marriage from before we even know what our favorite color is. She is speaking a truth and I wish I had seen this when I was in high school or college, it would have made me take a step back from mindlessly falling from one relationship to another & feeling innate emptiness when that was not the case. I live alone now (still in another relationship) and I'm finally beginning to see the lies we are collectively brought up on. Love is real; marriage is unnecessary. You are your own keeper before anyone one else. Take time to become who you want to be, regardless of your relationship status.
Well said 👏 namaste.
This is one of my favorite TED talks! Single is so much better. Stay single, stay happy!! 🖤