Some of us recognized the dysfunction early on. We ended up resenting our parents, wishing they could have been more like the loving parents of our friends and classmates. We knew intuitively there was something deeply wrong with our parents. At the same time, society informed us that we are required to love our parents. This situation takes a very long time to recover from.
@@ChiefQueef_ my 8 year old niece constantly asks me if I hate myself and I’m like, “what?! No!....Do you?” Her silence spoke volumes 😭😭 Children don’t ask to be born! Parents owe their children the best life they can give them.
@@universeofopulence I ended up with D.I.D because of horrific abuse. I was adopted into a very dysfunctional family. My adoptive grandfather was a 33rd degree freemason and he ran a child rape/sodomy/trafficking/porn ring. They used very sophisticated mind control techniques. I have over 200 parts but am learning to love all of them more and more every day and we are moving towards greater integration. Healing has been frickin hard but so worth it. Everyone has wounded inner child states that need love, welcoming and acceptance.
I recognised something was wrong very early on and I so desperately wanted to have a different family, 20 years later I'm still struggling with self-esteem issues, anxiety, loss of connection with myself, it takes a whole lot to recover from this, but I hope every person here who went through this can find peace.
At 44, i am just now starting to navigate away from self loathing. If you had crappy parents, they already stole your childhood. Don't let them take your adulthood too. You have the power to heal and develop lasting, meaningful relationships. We in this together, let's go! ❤
SO wonderful to hear!! ❤Good for you!!! I'm happy for you because you do have some time on your side and wouldn't it be terrific to feel happy !!?? 😊I'm 69 and done........have been for quite awhile but I have two great sons who lost their abusive father ( cancer) when they were teenagers so I'm stuck with 'life" I wish you ( all on this 'forum") the very best in healthier mental lives as you go forward!
I'm 26 years old and I have never ever been hugged by my parents (no, they're not dead), and the result is now I have trouble expressing affection to others and I'm uncomfortable when people start being affectionate to me
Hi Shona, it is never too late to do right for you, by you. Please seek out talk therapy if you haven’t already, and perhaps check out Pete Walker’s CPTSD book. Recognition/awareness is a hard first step; please do keep going, start a path toward healing. ❤️
I relate to this. I’m in the same boat myself and while I’m personally comfortable with no affection, it can be destructive in relationships because I don’t think of giving it.
I'm not a therapist, but if you feel it would help you can do this: I have dolls, a baby with a crib and a bottle. Alone at home i stand them near me, like a game, and i hug them, and tell them words of comfort like they are beautiful, and they are loved, like a ritual of self parenting, all that I wish I was told when i was little. I cry sometimes. Maybe i should ask my therapist if it's a good thing. Hey i read a book that describes your experience, the book won't help in healing by itself, but if you get your therapist to read it would be awesome. "HEALING THE UNAFFIRMED Recognizing Emotional Deprivation Disorder". Conrad W. Baars, M.D. and Anna A Terruwe, M.D. Edit, even if you don't have a therapist, it may help, at least to intellectually figure the damage so you can come up with something to get over it. I hope it helps.
same bruh. no hugs, no “i love you”s/“i’m proud of you” & they don’t celebrate important milestones in my life... now as an adult, i’m so emotionally unexpressive and in the eyes of others i think i come across as someone that can’t be bothered with keeping friendships i’ve made... but the truth is i just don’t know how to go about maintaining relationships, how to express myself & showing affection is such a foreign thing to me.
I know right. And then we have kids and it makes us remember our childhood even more. I just had a daughter and I hope to show her more love than I got.
Abuse is horrible, but neglect is a special version of hell. You are invisible. No amount of good grades or special talent is enough to get recognition (at home). Your shortcomings are served to you buffet style when you do get any attention. By puberty, that little bit of cuteness that was your last saving grace is gone and you are a detestable burden. In adulthood, finally, you watch everyone else succeed but just trying to keep a job, and hold onto the bare minimum, is a significant struggle. If they only knew how hard you try...
Just have to learn to cope with the fact that not everyone on earth was meant to suceed, have a great childhood, become rich and get status. Some peoples are just fillers in life and that is okay when you realise that life is a simulation. It dosent really matter, when you die you will lose your sense of self and you will fade into nothingness and non of this will have mattered whatever you did, on the grand scale of things humans are essentially meaningless, you ever ask yourself why the universe is so indiffrent to us? Because it is just the edge of the playable game map. When you realise this it will give you a sense of relief and you can just pursue whatever makes you happy in life, damn the consequences. Nothing matters.
Imagine all this happened just to you coz you're the girl child ..whereas your elder brother recieved all the appreciation and opportunities...and you can literally see how baisedyour parents are but really can't do anything about it ..and as you grow up, you become a rebel..and you're so exhausted for fighting for your right to be respected and loved, that you truly long for just one human who wouldn't be so hypercritical about you and just love you genuinely with all the heart ...which is extremely rare to happen...
Exactly. It's even more painful if we were neglected plus carry a lot of responsibility in such a young age. U feel like u have no childhood at all. No wonder Im numb and doesn't care anything about my caregiver. I'm glad I've grown up now and can do decision to myself to cut them off completely and just be happy with my life. This life is just one shot. I'm not going to waste this trying to please that caregiver
Only ever being scowled at, never smiled at. Only ever criticised, never praised, no matter how well I did in school. Never receiving an ounce of affection. Being left alone. Never having fun with my parents. Never being reassured. Being ignored, despite repeating myself over and over until I gave up talking. Being of less worth because I wasn’t thin; constantly being told I had a fat this, that or the other. I could go on. My mother is a broken human because of her unhealed childhood trauma, and I believe only had me because my dad likely talked her into having a second child . She would have happily not had another, after a bad time with my older brother keeping her awake for the 1st 2 years of his life. I believe I was resented from the get go. I believe she also had post natal depression. This manifests today in me, still. People pleasing. Terrified of conflict. Always trying to keep the peace. Never standing up for myself. Scared of being disliked. Feeling like the only way to solve problems is to run away. Not really being able to articulate myself in conversations. Never arguing because of lacking confidence in my argument. Always trying to remember it wasn’t my fault. Always trying to love and care for myself. Still struggling through. Hugs out there to anyone who identifies with any of this. ❤️ it’s not your fault. You deserved love.
Growing up my parents always made me feel like I owed them my life, that I should be grateful because they paid for my food, my living expenses and everything I have. To me, It is a ridiculous proposition, why would anyone bring a child into existence if they're not prepared to raise the child? Do they honestly expect a toddler to work and feed itself? Now I am estranged from my parents and I have never felt more relieved, they would call me selfish, ungrateful and whatever negative adjectives that can comfort their souls, but I'm not going back to that abusive life I wanted to escape since young. If you're a parent, please do not make your kid feel like they're indebted to you, they're not. They do not choose to be born, it is by your decision they come into being, hence it is your responsibility to raise them, if you only have children to count on one day they will take care of you, don't have children, you're running their lives, chances are you'll ruin yours.
I was labelled selfish by my parents from the get-go, before I even understood the meaning of the word. As a result, I became a people pleaser, easily intimidated, believed I had to give in to whatever anyone else wanted - and I mean whatever they wanted. Living like this creates resentment in older years.
When my mother texted me she was too busy to come to my wedding I dropped to the ground sobbing. I rang my sister & the first thing that came out of my mouth was: “Why am unlovable? Why am so revolting & awful that she doesn’t love me.” My big sister said “You are more loveable than you could ever imagine.” We sobbed together. I don’t think people can understand what it’s like to have a parent who just can’t be what they are meant to be. Not everyone gets to have a mother, be thankful if you do.
@@abczuchini3757 Reading this make me sob a littel ngl, Im an older brother of 4 (16, 12, 4, 2) I also used to think im unlovable and awful but when I was about ten years old im really lucky to become a friend (we're more than friend now) with someone who really change how I see myself. I aspire to be like her and your like your big sister, giving them the love that they deserve. Wish you the best 🤍 (Sorry if im not making any sense im not really good at english)
This is why, people really need to think through their decision before having children if they're capable to provide love, safety, and the basic necessity for another human being.
I think that your comment is spot on because this hugely important decision must be unselfish and focused on the child. This so important that I think it should be discussed/taught in the last year of school so that it is imbedded into people's conscientiousness as soon as they are able to understand the concepts.
In my experience it was impossible to imagine what parenthood would be like before becoming a parent, so people aren't qualified to 'think through' becoming a parent until it's too late. I set an intention of the kind of dad I would be, which has helped guide me, but oh boy, it comes with challenges and you only get one shot with each kid. Best thing that ever happened in my life though
@@ForestBeans I didn't get fixed, but I didn't have children. I had a little bit of enlightenment about myself when I was about 17 that gave me a clue not to have kids.
@@Mypromiselive Don't be so harsh on yourself. You realise that having children doesn't always bring joy and you have decided to not take that path because you are not prepared to take a gamble on an innocent child's life. It shows you to be compassionate and caring, a beautiful person. Not your fault your parents couldn't see that. Their loss.
Grew up in an Asian family with narcissistic parents who thought showing love was a weakness and could never express it. It's even awkward to hug a family member. Everything is true, you grow up to be self hating, shameful adults. To deal with this shame and self hate, the mind, even at that young age engages in maladaptive behaviors killing off their genuine self and putting on masks. And when that need for love is still not met, they shut down emotions. These attitudes and behaviors over time leads to maladies and condition like pure OCD, limerence, social anxiety, depression, covert narcissism and etc that will surface later in life. All things that can wastefully consume the hours and days of life, and prevent you from becoming the person you are truly meant to be. It can also lead some to becoming an extreme people pleaser later in life, to the point where it becomes unhealthy. Their social and emotional development are hindered because they are still stuck in that self hating phase and rarely do they know how to deal with problems in a healthy manner, because they never had that love and support. This could also lead to addictions like gambling, drinking, and etc. Please don't starve your child of affection and attention. If you have been a victim in the past, try to stop the cycle. Forgiveness is the first step. Forgive yourself and your parents. They were most probably victims themselves. I also believe therapy is a good attempt to overcome this.
i can relate but not in the same circumstances. sorry you had to endure that. i can only imagine how much pain that caused you. the good news is that now you are aware that THEY are the ones with the hard hearts of stone, not you. Face it, feel it, let out the pain, and recover. We don't have to let the past define our futures....
When i was younger i was so focused on being a good daughter and trying to make her parents proud. Now i focus on making myself proud and not caring about my parents' opinions about me, because i realized that no matter what i say or do they always invalidate me. So why not just do what i love that makes me proud of myself.
Well said! Take the high road and leave thecburden of resentment and regret behind. Leave your mind open and free to embrace the love and compassion we all are meant to have.
My parents excelled at so many areas of parenthood, so I never understood what happened to me in childhood to generate such self-hate and low self esteem. My mom cooked dinner every night, we had lots of toys and each one of us had our own bedroom. We were always physically safe, took amazing summer vacations, had help with our homework in the evenings. It took a long time for me to realize that as a child, I was “pushed away” a lot in moments when I was vulnerable. I guess my parents were trying to make me more independent emotionally, but that’s not quite what happened. I remember being afraid at night and feeling that I couldn’t go downstairs to their bedroom for comfort because I knew they would get irritated with me. I felt I couldn’t ask for hugs or cuddles because I was actually physically pushed away a few times by my mother who was almost always busy with a task. My older sisters wanted nothing to do with me and often ran off with their friends to leave me alone at home. Although I was well-cared for and I love my parents for EVERYTHING they did “right” in raising me, I do remember feeling very lonely as a child and I started believing there was something fundamentally wrong with me that my parents didn’t want to hold me or be around me. They were simply too busy to be bothered, but I’ve carried this feeling with me my whole life. When I don’t meet my own expectations, I feel undeserving. Hopefully I can create self-love as an adult.
This is so relatable, I hope you have made progress with self-love! My parents did everything right except exist emotionally for me. It’s been hard trying to understand that they actually caused damage and made me who I am today. And even harder trying to repair that damage in order to love and accept myself, to be more than just a quiet reflection of what I think those around me want.
And then you see the other kids with worse parents and feel even more guilty, something must be wrong with me, etc. Then one day you grow up and realize all the suffering was unnecessary because all the thoughts and feelings were just bullshit. It's all conditioned, mechanical, karma. It's not you. No need to think about it or let it trouble you. Just let it go.
I feel that. The case for me was every time I was distressed (because I was pushing myself so hard academically to get my parents approval), I would be met with either invalidation or disdain. ‘You have been given so much, so why would you feel that way’. Or ‘look at the other kids who are less privileged that you’. And I felt so much shame. It’s crippling and im only starting to unpack it today.
Oh god same. My parents are great people, but I have had my fair share of hardship And while some of the trauma comes from my family, half of it probably comes from primary school. Some kids were really awful to me Anyways, the family dynamic wasn’t entirely setting me up for success either. I can remember myself trying to get their attention when I was very little, not always feeling like I would get a response. I remember feeling anxious as a very, very young kid. And I remember feeling a slight disconnect to both of them, in different ways. Why won’t mum play with me? Am I weird for wanting to play? Do I have to do well to please her? I noticed that she was quick to take care of me, but she didn’t comfort me like in the warm way I craved. My dad is a warm and playful person (the typical ”funny dad” who kids loved) but he seemed quite absent-minded at times, too. And since he isn’t the best at recognising small shifts and details in others, he left that part to my mum. And as I described earlier, she couldn’t always be there for me either. I guess both had their childhood traumas, too. It’s hard to look back at all of this at age 30. I feel very different, separate, and like I’m watching the world from the outside of a snow globe. I’m an alien looking in. 🤨
Story of my life 😅 everything else is great and I do feel loved but the American society makes it so that parents are always busy. And during vulnerable moments it's ethier pushed away or far the extreme opposite, confronted but very aggressively. After that, I grew more content with being pushed away, because I feel it's far better than the other option. And I would purposely avoid confronting. I do feel like I'm looking at the world in 3rd person, and do have pretty poor self esteem. It's not great. I still ask myself y I have these problems if I'm not in other kids positions.
The best career advice that I learned is don’t ever attach your-self to a PERSON, a place, a company, an organization or a project. Only Attach your-self to your mission in life and your PURPOSE. That’s how you keep your power and keep your peace!
I figured that out a few months ago, but struggling to practice it haha.
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"Only Attach your-self to your mission in life and your PURPOSE" this is nothing but beautiful words, nothing to do with reality. We are humans we cannot do that.
@@blahqwe i really like what mel robbins says about this - don't search for your purpose or passion - just follow your energy. "passion is not a person place or thing. it is the feeling of being expanded and energized." the key question is - what energizes me.
Well damn wasn’t expecting to cry today. Also, after reading the comments, I never thought I’d be in a space with so many people like me. I literally don’t know anyone else’s parent who were abusive, hateful, manipulative and just downright evil as mine. I went through everything in this video and I outright hate myself. I was a straight “A” student, an athlete, had perfect attendance and never got in trouble. Not because I was raised correctly, but because I wanted to be worthy of being taken care of…I never achieved that goal. And, that led into my life. Romantic relationships even platonic friendships all led me be mistreated and apologize and “change” as if I was ALWAYS the issue. Through therapy and time…I’m just now combating this in my 30s…. I’m sorry this happened to us…but it isn’t the end.
*I forgive everyone who has harmed me in this life or in any other life that I have lived. I forgive them and release them and let them go. AND I forgive myself for anyone I have harmed in this life or in any other life in any way at all. I forgive, release it and let it go* ♥️
Thank you for sharing. Nope you are not alone, I took thought I was. I'm fifty and learning to live from my authentic self. But know this, healing is possible. And God showed me this, We are survivors. If we made it through this as children, what else could we accomplish as adults?. Blessings ❤
@@aleksandra_jesusAmen we must forgive. And it really is necessary for the process of continued healing. However, platforms like this help us heal and process the pain, to release us from all the turmoil that was put on us. It brings evil/ darkness to light by exposing it's tactics and schemes. And the forgiveness allows the 🕯️ light to shine even brighter in us. ❤God Bless!!
By the time we realize that our parents could also make mistakes and it is not necessarily us who are in the wrong all the time, it's too late, the damage has already been done.
It's a hard work indeed, but it doesn't have to be too late necessarily. Hope, resilience... we can be way stronger than our ego/damaged child think we are!
@@franacha time can never be taken back. It’s necessary to make our peace with that fact. And that should not keep us from the Liberation that comes with healing those scars. Peace be with you
@@franacha Look at it this way; the past technically does not exist. The present does. Memories in one's mind exist. It's an important distinction to make, because it allows you to realize that the only thing you need to address in the present to feel good about your life is those memories. Accept what happened (or what should have happened but didn't), understand it deeply enough to know that it could not have happened in any other way than the way it did, give yourself time to mourn your losses, let them go, and move on. Reframe memories so that they do not hinder but aid you in the present. In the here and the now, you have the opportunity to be a better "parent" to yourself than your parents were, and that's all you need. You don't need to turn back time to feel free or contented.
I am going through a ridiculous amount of self-hatred recently. One thing that helped today was remembering a time I made someone laugh. It reminded me that I wasn’t completely worthless, and I was able to combat the overwhelming feeling of worthlessness.
Remember that looking for evidence of "why we're not worthless" is still a framework of believing that we're worthless and must somehow prove otherwise. No amount of "proving" otherwise will supplant that, because we're still locked into the framework of looking for some kind of outside validation to prove it (What happens when the outside validation stops? Did that brief validation fix us forever? No, we go back to looking for more evidence somewhere else, from someone else). This may be helpful: Start externalizing blame. Worthlessness and a sense of self-blame ("I'm responsible for this situation") go hand in hand. *Feel embarrassed about an awkward interaction at the store? It's their fault. They shouldn't have had their head up their ass and should have been watching where they were going. Fuck them. *Bored with your job? Maybe they shouldn't be so fucking lame. Maybe capitalism is a boring fucking rat race, and it's horseshit to think that we should all be happy doing the same boring thing all fucking day. Fuck them. >>> You might just find that you know what, you're right! Maybe you HAVE been accommodating a bunch of people and situations that don't serve you. Maybe they've been getting exactly what they want while you cater to them and look for their fleeting smiles and nods of approval. Maybe they're gonna have to start figuring it out for themselves, instead of being catered to. >>> Note: You might have feelings of sadness and fear come up when you start doing this...like "what if I lose all my friends, or my job?" or "What if I start doing what I want, and then I'll end up all alone?" - Sit with that. Why is it exactly that you feel this way, and that externalizing blame or not accommodating others equals isolation and loss? What beliefs drive those feelings? ***In case it wasn't obvious, this is based on personal experience, and your mileage may vary. But I think it fits a pattern that I'm sure a lot of people share. Much love, and best of luck out there***
@@cdubs406 There is something to this. At age 50 I finally, finally allow myself to fully feel anger toward the offenders (parents, etc.) instead of completely internalizing the pain and transforming it into self-hatred. There is a grieving process that comes along with this. Realizing and accepting that our parents are deeply flawed and not gods. We can start to heal and love ourselves when we fully realize this and allow ourselves to grieve the loss of our ideal parents.
@cdubs206 lol, I love your idea of externalizing blame. That’s been very helpful for me, who used to always blame myself. F that! Everyone else sucks, it’s not my fault 😁 Obviously there are limits to this, but it’s a healthy counterbalance for those of us who were blamed too much in childhood, to start throwing off the weight of all those unfair projections and expectations.
My childhood wasn't the best, but I grew up a couple houses down from three boys who had a horrific mother. The father was long gone. You could hear her screeching at them all over the neighborhood. This was back in a time when folks just shook their heads and looked the other way. One of the boys committed suicide in his 20's. Another died from drug abuse. The third, who bore the brunt of his mother's rage, works hard, but his life seems to be a disaster, and I know he doesn't cope well, even as he approaches 60 years old. But he has a big heart, and we have remained good friends through the years.
My mother seems to have completely erased the memory of all the abuse she did to me. Perhaps it's her own coping mechanism, not wanting to accept that she is the main reason her youngest daughter wants to die. She's old and I let it be, some things can't be fixed with therapy I suppose, I hope all the adults that was treated inhumane in the past can find peace in little pleasure one day.
Same here "im just trying to keep the family together" hhmmm now you care? After years of emotionally abusing your children, treating them like slaves, to the point where several of us wished to take our own lives or wished we could run away. I'll be damned if im the reason my kids want to commit suicide or run away from home
My mother would like to take a revisionist position in how she raised us. I simply won’t allow it. I knew at 20, my healing relied on making her confront what she had done. If I had not, I would be lost today. Today I care for her more than I did in my 30s but it would not have been possible (for me) without confrontation. I pray the absolute best for you!
I know she used to hit us a fair bit. When people move towards me unexpectedly, I flinch, move back, or raise my hands in defence every time. I always get irritated when she walks in the room and I’m not studying, working or being productive. She says she doesn’t remember hitting us, or even ‘hitting us that much’. Now even I’m not sure. But I feel like those physical and emotional instincts I have now, tells me that maybe what she did actually was significant.
@@sophiafake-virus2456 we're not victims.. it happened for us not to us but it shows that there's more than one person going through this and the fact that we have that in common helps us move forward instead of dwelling on what happened and we heal from it faster.
I'm in my 50s , extremely grown up but somehow still seven years old and being told I'm not worth anything . It's a bizarre reality created by two now long vanished people.
@@nicolab2075 I've thought about this - putting myself in their shoes . But came to the conclusion that they were both narcissists incapable of actually loving a child , just using him . So as an adult I have no sympathy for them just disdain - it's a sad reality but true .
@Andy Nixon You may have heard an old saying from a Christian teaching order of brothers (I always want to say Augustine order, and that's wrong): "Show me the child at seven, and I will show you the man". A famous UK tv series called "Seven Up" investigated this idea. Meeting a group of seven year old school children in the 1960s, and then revisiting them every seven years to see how their talents, hopes and dreams had developed. It's a phrase I often think of in relation to my own family and friends.
@@andynixon2820Sadly, they were lacking that same love in their own childhood. Who is the initial culprit?? The more advanced the world, the more stress we witness and hence the people that are lost and can't find themselves.
I yelled at my parents several times that if they did not want a child they should have taken a cold shower instead of sex because I was constantly reminded that I was unplanned and unwanted and could not get an abortion to avoid having me.
@@klaudinegarcia8932 that is one of the main reasons I support abortion. Abortion would have been more humane than the emotional torture I endure knowing I was unplanned and unwanted and constantly being reminded of that. I am emotionally disfigured but I have to learn to be a parent to myself and it is not easy. Accomplishing anything seems harder for me than other people because of this.
No matter how damaged you are, you can heal! You may not have good enough parents but you can always reparent yourself, take care of yourself and talk good about yourself. You did not have a choice when you were young but you have a choice now. Your feeling is valid even when you feel sad when your candy fell to the ground. Sadness is real. Feeling changes and won't last forever.
thank you, I really appreciate this. It is very helpful to me. I have started to tell myself frequently, you didn't deserve the beatings you received, you didn't deserve the harsh words, the mocking of your feelings, the expectation to parent your parents. I am reparenting myself in the way I deserved when I was a small child. I'm actually going to copy your kind words into my jouranl so they can be a constant reminder to me.
I tell my son I love him multiple times a day, I give him hugs and kisses on a daily basis. He’s 7 right now and I’ve made a few mistakes in these seven years but nothing that would effect him forever. There is not a day that goes by or a minute in that day where I’m not thinking about making sure he’s loved for, cared for, encouraged, feeling good, feeling fed and so much more. When I found out he was being bullied in school, I lost it. I talked to teachers principals and reached out everywhere I could when he’s hurting I’m hurting. Never should he feel hurt. That’s my main mission. To always make him feel safe at my home. To feel loved, accepted and avoid as much hurt as possible. Hope I’m doing it right and he loves me as much as I love him when he grows up to be the most handsome gorgeous hilarious talented and funniest man alive! 👩🏻🍼👩👦
When I was bullied at school, my mom took side with them and even humiliated me in front of them. My whole family did that. When I read your comment, I am in tears and wish I had a mom like you. To protect me, feel like I matter. I would have had an amazing childhood. Thank you for what you are doing now. Your son will become an amazing man in the future!! ❤
Well I agree love unconditional is utmost, but it would be foolish as a parent to truly MAKE IT A SAFE SPCE for anybody, personally speaking I would have long ago died if I was raised in perfectly safe space and without some discipline without some beating if needed. YOU DONT WANT TO RAISE A KID THAT is too blind to the suffering of the world. Create a safe space in your own hands and home you live so your child doesn't hide anything from you but don't ever let him feel the rest of the world is as safe as you are. That's a recipe for disaster
But please remember to teach him that “bad” emotions like sadness, loneliness, anger, etc. are not bad at all. That if he feels one of these emotions because of being bullied it’s not something that should be seen as an issue it’s a normal reaction and necessary so that those emotions don’t get bottled up. Just be careful not to make it seem like he should always be happy or try very hard to prevent him from feeling negative emotions
As a child, I didn't think I would live to see 25. It was the only way I could cope with the abuse in my home. I'm 30 now and I'm finally learning to actually LIVE my life and make plans for my future, not just survive everyday life. This video hits home!
my mother is sadist , just because her life her mother treat her very badly , my mother wants me to face same sought of problem , she always keeps saying her mother is like this like that... i am earning will move out of house.
This is very true and the saddest thing it's that most parents are not even mean or evil people but they just don't know anything about proper education. They rely on the idea that a child forgets everything within a few minutes. So for them it doesn't matter what happens to you because you are just a child and as long as you have food and shelter you'll be fine 🙄🙄🙄
It was my birthday yesterday and I heard from no one in my family. I called and wished everyone happy birthday in my family this year. Yet not a soul called me yesterday 😒 Not my parents, and definitely not my brother nor sister . This message came to me today and is gradually opening my eyes. Its painful but thank you for this. I needed it
Hey dear one: I know I'm late but... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! For this Year and onward!!! Wishing you the best of everything but most above all: that you are safe, that you are sheltered, that you have a reasonably safe environment (cause rent costs are inhumane and some of us survivors have to live where we can afford!), clean, healthy, fed, warm when it's cold, cool when it's hot, and on your way to love yourself!!! That is my bday wish for you!!! (Oh and Happy Belated Birthday the past 2 years I missed your birthday 🎂- blow out your candles and make a wish beyond your hearts desire!!!)
As a teenager myself I'm actually kind of scared how accurate this is. Society teaches us that we should bow to our parents just because they took care of us when we were young. Bruh like I'm not the one who wanted to be born. You're the one who brought me to this world so isn't that your duty? Emotional blackmail ain't gonna do shit. I'm nice to nice people bacuse I choose to be, not because I owe them something
How sad that schools haven't changed! You can still love your parents even if they did a terrible job like mine did! When I was at school it was practically forbidden to talk ill of your parents or family. You were expected to put up with their nonsense just because they were family - just another excuse for families to treat each other badly. There's no way I would have chosen my mother as a friend! I wouldn't want to associate with someone like that. I was always told " you only get one mother" & my reply was always " thank God" 🤣🤣🤣
I had a really bad childhood and teenage years i always kept to myself now j am a adult (20) i know it means nothing since it is just a comment on youtube but one thing i have to say is that how hard it is you have to reach out as hard as you can to find someone who does care i never did as a adult you are not given any chance so whike your still a kid reach out and accept the help that people give you and live your life how you want it grab every chance and keep goeing do not waste your youth in shame and self harm like me
I agree, giving us love, safety, physical necessities etc as a child is not a privilege, it’s a requirement. I hate this mindset of “love your parents no matter what”
When I was a child my mom would tell me that she loved me but she didn’t like me as a person. She really wanted to have a girl. After three boys she got me. She was always disappointed in me. She was very vocal about it. I remember talking to her and she would ignored me. Now that I’m an adult, I can see both my parents treated me like an object.
My mum used to tell me she didn’t like me. It always cut me so deep because I tried to hard to be the perfect obedient child. She used to mock me for trying to please her. She said she didn’t like “simpering”. I was five years old and desperate for her not to leave me like she always threatened she would. It leaves a mark, doesn’t it 😢
Part of Competence required to be a parent is being thankful that you have a healthy happy baby ape opposed to throwing an inappropriate long or short term STROP over the gender.
Don't jump to forgiveness if you don't genuinely feel it. Allow yourself to be angry at them, take your time and transit childhood pain. (I'm at this point now, just share in case it's useful for someone)
I'm having a hard time forgiving my dad. He left me a message saying "Please forgive me for whatever I did to you". I translate that to mean that he isn't truly sorry, acknowledging or accepting responsibility for what he did and he KNOWS exactly what it is (the whole community knows), but rather wanting me to dismiss it. I needed to see your statement;...so thank you.
tbh i want to forgive them if for a single condition for them to fully take accountability on what they did to me and to truly strive to be better sadly that won't come and the feeling of vindication that i would have gotten might never come since they're already old and for their belief what i have is somehow fucking normal like you just can't argue with old fucks they live on a different timeline where how they live and their morals are still relevant even though it's sorely outdated and that locking your child in a bathroom with no lights for hours is an actual crime and abuse and is basically solitary confinement lite edition
You don't know what kind of parent you are going to be until you there. In fact most people don't even really think about how they were rise until they have a child themselves.
what parents want is NOT "a child" what they want is a "CLONE" of themselves; a copy that will achieve what they failed in, and will manage what they couldn't .. what they truly want is a second chance in life .. to NOT get married NOT have kids, and WORK on self development and achieve their goals. if there was NO FEAR from SOCIAL RIDICLUE .. believe me with an EGOLESS race .. giving birth would almost go extinct!
@@TrueInvisible That's inherently wrong. Reproduction is a biological process. It's why we feel attracted to other people. We subconsciously see them as potential mothers or fathers of our children. What you're describing is narcissism, not ego. Narcissism is a in its essence a complex, while ego is in its essence our self-perception protocol.
Absolutely. As a pediatrician, I see this every day. We are primed for connection, and the security of that earliest attachment shapes the landscape of our subconscious.
@@AskDoctorAmy Since when does everything get healed? Lol... My comment was based. Said by a doctor, like you. Rather than dismiss it as a mind trick, its valid.
@@patriciatoth7715 you can do EMDR therapy, tapping, breathing exercises. Releases painful memories in our subconscious and trapped in our bodies. I also enjoy spirituality to help heal myself, and psychedelics. I don’t see how the Doctor’s comments invalidated what you said but I want to let you know you can heal, and it can make you stronger than you ever thought you could be
I always wondered, as a child .. and now still that I’m 25.. but can outsiders and health professionals tell when a child is detached from / afraid of their parent? Even if the parent keeps up a real friendly act for the public?
The saddest part of this situation is to make others aware, those who received all that love and attention to see through and empathise with pain emotionally neglected children underwent. People with stable families never get it.
To the person who is struggling with shame and self hate, no one who grew up in a toxic situation escapes unharmed or free from the guilt of contributing to that toxicity in some way. You may judge yourself harshly, but you are not alone in this. It is far more common than you may realize. The only thing you should not do is perpetuate the toxicity. If you are here reading this, you are almost certainly looking for a better way. That is enough; you are enough. Progress may not come as fast as you want; forward is enough.
@@1unsung971 The world rarely changes when you want it to, but it will change. And, it will change almost instantly. One moment it is so hot and so humid that it is hard to breathe. You can barely move because your clothes stick to you. Everyone around you is agitated by their own misery making them quick to anger creating a self feeding monster. You are hopeless. It is hard to imagine how life can survive such misery. It is hard to imagine why it should. Without warning and in a moment, the skies open with rain that breathes new life. The air is lighter and cooler. The birds appear from their hiding places to celebrate. Everyone around you is suddenly in a good mood. When one is going through hell, hell is all that can be seen and all that can be imagined. Keep going; there is more, better ... ahead somewhere, maybe not soon but ahead. There are amazing people who are critical to your growth and progress in life. People not only worth trusting, but people whose very existence will change you, your perspective, your situation, how you contextualize your burdens, how to view yourself. You can't force this on people; there will just be people who can't help but move you forward if you are willing to grow, to show kindness, to show up for the things you value. It cannot always be night.
And this is why I have spent my almost 50 years battling horrible feelings of self-hate and crap self esteem. I’m working on it. I have finally realized I am not trash, it was them.
*I forgive everyone who has harmed me in this life or in any other life that I have lived. I forgive them and release them and let them go. AND I forgive myself for anyone I have harmed in this life or in any other life in any way at all. I forgive, release it and let it go* ♥️
You’re absolutely correct, and I’m deeply sorry you had horrible parents, too. My daughter thinks therapy will make me “get over” how abusive my parents were/are after 53 years. It doesn’t work that way, does it?
@@SandiaDelaval-ib5ky I don’t know if you’re mocking those in this thread, or trying to be helpful? Everyone of us, who had nightmare childhoods, wish we could wave a magic wand making the hellish physical, mental and emotional abuse scars go away, but no matter what we do, it will never happen! In fact, I’m an only child. My mother told me she would have aborted me if it had been legal in ’70. I have secondary progressive MS, my parents live only 15 miles away and won’t allow me to live w/ them because “I don’t fit their lifestyle.” That’s exactly what they told my daughter. I put myself through college, but developed this awful disease, that stole my career from me when I was 30. I can barely walk, can’t drive, wear adult diapers, fall, you name it. There is nothing that can fill this void, except Xanax and sleeping 24/7 to keep from crying nonstop. I’lI be homeless soon, no lie. They are wealthy, too. I love the Lord, but I do ask Him a lot, why He gave me awful parents, along w/ MS. God only knows what hell these poor, unfortunate souls experienced, as well. But my point is to paint you a picture of what so-called “parents” can do a child that lasts a lifetime.
I was destroyed by my mother. As a girl she hated the fact that I was female like her. She loved my younger brother the golden child. She became jealous when I turned out to be 6inches taller than her, looked like my father’s family and was 20kilos less in weight. I still struggle with the effects of her hate, I relapse into using substances as a way to kill the pain. I do try to love myself but the emotional deprivation was too great . Sometimes I have peace. I loathe her, always did. Saw through her from an early age.
You are a valuable person with a meaningful life. I hope you are one day able to stop the substances. When you're ready to quit, please seek help such as AA, NA, counseling, etc. Sending you a big hug.❤
My mother was also jealous and controlling. She made it clear she hated me, I was her only daughter. She would tell me how she wished I'd been a boy & that I was messed up & no one would ever want me. I realised later in life that she was describing herself, not me. She was only happy when she made me miserable. Nothing was ever good enough for her. I cut contact with her 24 years ago. It was the best thing I ever did. If your parents are treating you like this, you have every right to cut them out of your life.
@@sunshine9122 You say that as if the drugs are the source of her problems... Sometimes drugs (including illicit ones) are actually a valuable coping mechanism. They don't solve people's problems, but they do offer temporary relief which is often what people need to get through tough times. The most important thing for her to focus on is sorting out the family issues that causes her suffering, not to take away the drugs that provide her with relief.
*I forgive everyone who has harmed me in this life or in any other life that I have lived. I forgive them and release them and let them go. AND I forgive myself for anyone I have harmed in this life or in any other life in any way at all. I forgive, release it and let it go* ♥️
My grandmother was an incredibly cold person to her children, she made sure they were fed and clothed, but barely showed any affection or even celebrated their achievements. All her 4 children tried to break this cycle, but in some capacity every one of them failed and either became substance-abuser, drastically shortening their lifespan, or didn’t love their own offspring enough. My mum was charmed incredibly by me while I was an infant and a little toddler, but after we moved house a few times and our life difficulties compounded, I was basically left on my own since 5 years old and during most of my school years. Now I want to break this cycle the second time around and hope I can do my best to love my own children dearly and fully
As a child I often felt neglected and not able to receive love. As if there was something wrong with me. All those times I was manipulated by a narcissist. This led to self-hatred and disconnection. I am now aware of the situation in my childhood and I know I have the power within me to heal this wound. The only way to heal is to first become aware and go deep within. If you do not take care of your wounds, you will bleed onto others.
The feelings don’t just materialize out of nowhere. My parents knew that they were angry, lacking, aloof and they chose to put the blame on my shoulders like the cowards they are. They projected the shame onto me that their parents put on them because they didn’t want to face what I’m facing now- choosing self responsibility as parent I get to suffer again while I struggle to break the cycle I never chose.
I remember always having a sneaking suspicion that something was wrong as a kid, although I couldn't figure out why. I remember talking about it to adults around me (including therapists) and everyone would seemingly dismiss my feelings and either tell me that I was exaggerating things or that my parents loved me very much and I just have to try harder. My parents never laid a hand on me either, which made it so much harder to prove both to myself and others that they were the problem. 10 years ago, I more or less ran away from home because I felt like I wouldn't survive much longer if I stayed where I was. I've gotten so much crap for doing that, not just from my mother but from others as well who have labeled me selfish and kept insisting that my parents love me very much and I just have to try harder. A couple of years later, I stumbled across a video here on TH-cam about maternal narcissistic abuse and suddenly everything fell into place. I still remember that moment of realization just as clearly as if it happened yesterday. It was like someone had lifted a mountain off of my shoulders. I just cried for hours. I'm still working on my recovery, but there is no way I would have been where I am today if I hadn't have stumbled across that video and learned that it wasn't my fault. It makes me incredibly sad to think that there are others that go their whole lives never learning this lesson.
Idk why but everytime I watch videos like this, I feel guilty for admitting that I felt neglected during my childhood but deep down I know my parents went to so much hardship and they tried their best, still it can't be denied that if they gave me more love, I would be able to love myself and love others now.
Yeah I feel the same way too. It's like battling with love and hate towards my parents.....But I know deep down love always wins because I can't really put all the blame to them. They are after all victims of generational trauma.
Feel the exact same way. They did the best they could with what they knew, and if they knew that invalidating my emotions would harm me so greatly, it probably would have never happened. Now though, I'm just picking up pieces. Trying to stop being such a ball of anxiety and insecurity.
Same, I understand my dad had his own mental health struggles and both parents had to work a lot to take care of 4 kids and I am grateful for them, but I do know that lots of the problems my siblings and I struggle with have to do with their non-affectionate and emotionally neglectful parenting. I think mom wanted to do more for us but wasn't sure how and my dad is kind of anti-doctor so didn't support her in getting us help 😕
Having their own struggles doesn't diminish the pain they inflicted on you. You can be compassionate towards their life experience and understand where their behavior comes from, but never try to justify it. Do your best to forgive them, if you can, but don't be afraid to call them our either. People should be held responsible for the things they did, especially if it caused someone pain. The tricky part is, if you try to let them walk free, the only person left there to blame is you. And you don't wanna go there.
The older I get (36) and the more I understand the more horrified I am of my own childhood. After watching this video (thank you!) the one memory I clearly remember from my early childhood, between 3-6 I guess, is a memory of pain. I remember I was standing at the front door of our appartment with my mother, ready to go out somewhere. I don't know what it was, but something upset me and I started to cry. Something us adults usually pay no attention to, but for my little self it was important. I clearly remember the thoughts I had. I couldn't stop crying, it was not the first time that it happend and I thought "please, mom, don't say it", but she did. She said, no, she yelled "STOP CRYING!". And I cryed even more, totally confused why she said it again, wondering why she did not understand that this command made me cry even more, unable to say anything. That I couldn't stop crying, because I had no idea how to stop that massive force coming out from my heart and lungs that I didn't understand why it was there in the first place. As I said, I don't remeber the cause of it. All I do remember more than 30 years later is that painful command that made everything worse. Please, dear parents who read this, when your children cry whatever you do next, do it with love, show your love to your child. It doesn't matter if the cause is an insect sitting on their shoes, if they bumped into a door or if their favourite strawberry fell into the dirt. Show them emotionaly that you are there for them no matter what. But never, never, never, never, never, NEVER, NEVER, N E V E R yell at them and tell them to "stop crying"!! You can't extinguish a fire with gasoline.
I see this in public and I just want to look the parent in the eye and say "Did it work when your mother told YOU to just 'Stop crying'?! No, it obviously made it worse and now you're doing the same thing." Unfortunately, the sad reason that they're doing it to their own children is because they literally have no model of behavior other than their own terrible parents. And thus, the cycle continues for another generation :(
Oh you mean it stopped when your mother yelled at you to stop crying? She didn't also yell that she would give you something to cry about? And she didn't follow through with it? Come to think of it, the reason I cried at all was because she had beat me yet again. Different scenario... but the road to fear and pain began when I was just 2 weeks old. I know because she would tell people that I needed to be slapped when I was 2 weeks old because I was spoiled. It only went downhill from there.... I do have early memories. I have NEVER felt loved.
That’s why you have to not just love yourself, but reward yourself every day for the rest of your life for suffering in the hands of unloving parents. You now deserve all the happiness in the world for paying that price. Go for it.
This is exactly what I’m going through right now it’s gotten so bad I almost admitted myself. You feel like you don’t belong in this world when you have parents like this.
But you do being here, even though it really doesn't feel like that most of the time. It takes such a long time to work through it. I built a great relationship with my Dad as an adult & he knew that his parenting was really poor, even though he thought he was doing the right thing. My mother, on the other hand refused to acknowledge she was the reason for the parental alienation towards my dad, wasn't interested in her children at all, she neglected us & beat us but told us those things never happened to us!! I had to cut contact with her 25 years ago or I would never have recovered from the trauma. Join a support group, speak to your friends, see a therapist. You are not alone & I promise you will get through it 🥰
i see this as a pattern within our families. my mom and her siblings weren't brought up by any other parents. they both died early. that's why they realized early on their childhood the harsh realities of the world and did carry some issues when they become parents. i saw these patterns of my uncles having many wives, my aunts became single parent after their husband left their family for another, and my mom being physically and mentally abusive to us, her children. somehow, this is what i would consider a generational curse. i promise to myself that even though i have suffered too much from my mom, i realize that she too was just a product of not having a parent to provide for. i kinda feel sorry for her tho, idk if what i feel even is empathy. i am working on forgiving her and moving out soon. once i become a mom, i promise i would work on all of my issues before having a child and i wont become like my mother so that the generational curse will finally be done. I WILL STOP IT
@@ashantiberenice5798 thank you. I think I'll need that luck because i wanna do the same. Dealing with my own inner demons before attaching another person's life to mine.
That Ashanti, is the kindest and most brave thing you can do! Break the cycle, and bring balance to the world. I believe there is still hope. Many of the newer generations are realizing this and swearing the oath to change, to be better. Thanks for learning and being a better person.
My parents were cold and hurtful towards me as a child. I developed depression at a very young age " around 9 " and now 20 years later I still struggle. I'm a very attractive man but I've never been able to maintain a relationship for more than a few weeks. Seeing the way my parents acted back then made me want my own family more than anything. It's literally been my only goal in life but I can't obtain it. As a result I've been addicted to opiates for the last 12 years. The feeling of ingesting a high dose of a quick acting opiate is like being wrapped in a blanket of love and studies have shown now that the opiate system is what mediates the bio chemical effects that lead to human bonding and love. Having shitty parents is legitimately the most damaging thing that can happen to someone. I'm destroying myself just to feel love and feel like I share a bond with someone and I'll likely die for that. Love your children and don't have them.
If you were raised by personality disordered parents, or sociopaths, means it wasn't your fault. It wasn't. You're probably aware of this, but you likely would benefit and need drug rehab (whether you've done it before or not), and longer term psychotherapy from someone knowledgeable and authoritative enough, and that can form a bond with you that helps anchor you, rather than the drugs. If you're doing those things anyway, or trying to start, congrats. If you tried them before, try again, with new people if possible, if the old ones didn't work. Lot of work to do on yourself, before having your own family, or the pain could get passed down to your new children next. And... you're not a better or worse person for being in a relationship, or being a parent or not. People who are pathological will try to convince you you MUST do these things, but they're wrong to do so. Best to you, for the continuing journey. It's painful, but hope you can do it.
*I forgive everyone who has harmed me in this life or in any other life that I have lived. I forgive them and release them and let them go. AND I forgive myself for anyone I have harmed in this life or in any other life in any way at all. I forgive, release it and let it go* ♥️
My parents worked a lot and were never home. They went as far as to have another family member move in to take care of us (put us to bed, feed us, take us to school etc) I have a really close relationship with this family member - love her like a mom. This really hit home. To this day my parents focus on the material things they gave us. All I wanted was for them to be around and show interest in me. I still feel like I am always seeking their love. I have two kids and I try my hardest to spend quality time with them and let them know they are loved. It’s a struggle to try to improve myself to make sure my kids have a good example. Watching these videos helps with my self awareness.
I can relate 100%, my parents are both doctors and they worked all the bloody time leaving me with old nannys or alone at an early age. In contrary to you I made these peoples life hell and scaring away one after the other, only needed to please my parents. Im 31 now and working on my own goals, recovering. Still missing focus and passion in life, but the explanation for my problem also resolved the depressive feelings. Always had all the financial support and never had any emotional, now Im learning to love myself and everything around me. Its a great journey! Wishing you all the best!
"wE gAvE yOu LiFe sO yOu sHoUlD bE gRaTeFuL! wE gAvE yOu fOoD aNd ShElTeR sO yOu'Re ObLiGeD tO pAy uS bAcK!" Ah, "good" parents. Always using that to make their child do whatever they want
that's your damn responsibility. If that's how you think then you've never grown up - thinking that you could have just walked away from the consequence of your own action is simply the proof that you're still a selfish, angsty, young teen, who thinks the world will bow to you. That's what I think every time I hear this. Thank you for pretending to be mature? The bar is low.
Tip for prospective parents: get a pet (dog, cat, rabbit etc) to see if you have any nurturing instincts and patience. Not everyone has those qualities and that’s ok. Being a parent is a choice not an obligation.
Anyone who would be willing to take this advice would already most likely be a good parent on their own because they care enough to do better. My parent would never dare research trying to be a good parent or even do some self reflection as an adult. There’s all kinds of knowledge out there in the world and somehow it never comes to them because they’re never open to hearing it.
THIS strikes home. This resonated with me, so deeply. I'm an old man now, but the damage done, continues. I was unloved, as a child and I feel unloveable, still. I'm from a time, when such things, in children, were ignored! Kids cry, if they cry a lot (Are depressed) they gave them something to really cry about! You were strong and healthy, or you were...tolerated. As a kid, I was neither healthy or strong...
Ah dear Jerry, I hear you. I am sending you lots and lots of love and blessings from Australia.... and want you to know that you are a valuable irreplaceable human being who has managed to maintain his own sense of being able to be kind and intelligent enough to 'unpack' all this - to understand that what you grew up with was SO much less than you deserved. Find and follow the things and people that / who bring you joy - don't settle, no matter what. That is the promise I made to myself after a horrific childhood and I realised that every little decision I make is a new choice - and I keep choosing more joy... and you know what? It works. bit by bit - like putting a few drops of water into a glass until it is full. Give yourself all the things (praise etc) that you never had - tell other people how amazing and appreciated they are... eventually, it avalanches into more and more great stuff. You can do this - you got this :) xx
The best part is we are TALKING about this right now! This is the best time in the history of humankind. We are able to put these very very deep and difficult concepts into words !! Im so thankful to be present now! Seriously! And this actually enables me not only to heal myself but to be a better adult to my child ❤
My parents grew up with the idea that "Children must be seen and not heard" and then it passed on to me 😔 My feelings got ignored because they believed there's no reason why I should be crying. I misbehaved when they did that which I was then punished for. Now I hide my feelings with a desperation to be understood. I felt I needed to gain their approval & that there was something wrong with me, not them. Its like you cant blame the parents for what their parents did for what their parents did! It's like upbringing methods get passed down from generation to generation and nobody is questioning their parenting habits to break the cycle.
That’s wasn’t just your parents it was all the generations in the western world. Perhaps that’s why our culture is so cruel. Millions of people justified taking little children from their parents over border crossings.
My parents are like this too! It's a shaming cycle being passed down because we were taught not to question our parents. Our parents are oppressing us!!!
I'm absolutely breaking the cycle by not having any children myself. I can't bear the thought of doing the same things to an innocent being who didn't ask to ne here as my parents did to me.
@Charlotte I use those words as well > "breaking the cycle". Talking with my cousin over many years - between both our memories, we can see a clearer picture of our family's patterns. I'm proud of her when she can "break the pattern". Keeping Big Secrets and Controlling Information was a strong pattern in our family.
My parents are pretty strict, so that I can cope up with the real and cruel world. But eventually my home has become a battlefeild for me and i wanna escape to the real world.
I am not having children, thank you world and my parents for this realisation, I can't stand to be a parent like them. funny thing is my father has accomplished more then any previous man in his family same with my mother, If I look at them from outsiders perspective. So many fake friends it's ridicules, but not a single real friend. More time for outsiders then you own children.
Newsflash: Have you heard about the war in the Middle East?! The "real world" is a battlefield as well! That's why 'Home Sweet Home" is so important to me, a place of safety after living with parents with whom you never knew what horrendous thing was going to happen next.
Im approaching my 40s and I have been struggling with the feeling that my life is a waste. The more I learn these sort of things, the more I am in awe of how the kind of person you become, (or DONT become) is based on your relationship with your parents. In my culture, family is viewed as "loud" and "energetic". But in moments of clarity, I see that these kinds of descriptors are usually sugarcoating angry, impatient, inappropriate, unloving, and often vulgar ways to deal with your children. Its been difficult to come to the realization and acceptance that I am a product of child abuse, because in my culture, child rearing goes beyond a basic spanking, and its often marketed to the younger generation as your parents caring about you. And perhaps it is, but in that destructive "I care the only way I know how" way. It's double worse when you get stuck taking care of the same people that murdered you spiritually, mentally, and emotionally when they reach their old age. It's hard because no matter how angry you get with the world NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY is ever going to admit what they done and what they cost you. I think about it all the time, and I think about who the person I COULD have been was. But you cant talk to people about it because they say things like "let it go" which is useless and almost the emotional equivalent of telling a quadriplegic to "walk it off".
That last paragraph hit me hard. I lament the woman i could've been if I had been given love and support. A singer, actress, biologist, stunt car driver, veterinarian. These were all things I wanted to do. I did none of them.
Being only child and raised by a single mom, who does not show affection in an open way. Clearly did affect my self-confidence not so bad as to hate myself but to feel un sufficient to receive love and true friendship. Anyway therapy has been really good for me and my healing process and I encourage anyone to at least given it a try, it has helped me to understand that my mother has her own problems to deal with.
So related! Only child here, just with both parents (but both absent, so zero parents really). I've had a no-so-healthy partner for years just because I thought that was the treatment I deserved. Luckily, I've found some good persons who showed me their friendship, and support, and help me to recover my self-confidence (+ professional therapy, of course). Reparenting is like magic, simple and clean.
@@ZurditaDinamita Great to hear that you have had great results and have been able to nourish meaningful relationships. For me, it was a difficult time when I realized that I either start parenting myself or I would continue to live without meaning or purpose, it is difficult but the reward is priceless. Good luck with your journey.
@@pricklypear1111 my therapist and I have been using the humanistic approach, to me it has been really effective and I have been treated for a year and a half. I rather choose a presencial session just because to me it is very important to feel confident with the therapist and for me see and hear his reaction of what I am saying in valuable. But if I have to choose between be treated on line or do not receive any kind of counseling, I would choose the online session of course.
I get to see this quite often in my work as a teacher. I hope people not to give up on themselves as self-love is one of the most powerful things you can have to grow as a human being. I wish people were more aware of what constitutes being family and not rush it.
Thank you, this channel, for being brave and caring enough to come straight out and say these things. Most people self-censor and avoid “going there” and acknowledging the blunt truth about bad parents. You are providing an incredible help to many formerly abused and neglected children to be able to find validation which is a crucial prerequisite of healing. Thank you for speaking truth to power.
Thank you for a very insightful video. Now that I'm a senior adult, not a day goes by that I don't hate myself and, at the core, is hating myself because I don't know who I am or who I was. I was a very angry child because I was prevented from being happy by constant, unending criticism and invasive, and without any boundaries, behaviour from my mother. I TRIED to seek help over the years, but the best a therapist saw ( in my thirties) was that I was very immature. My mother instructed my father to stop hugging me once I stared school at 5 yrs. old . Up to then, only he and his mother ( grandmother lost early) were the only ones to touch me affectionately. My mother's mother was my caregiver ( I am the oldest of three )and idolized the ground my mother walked on. EVERYONE thought I was a problem, misfit, had terrible issues, etc. Yes, I tried to commit suicide three times, over dosed, became an addict and continue to be a functioning addict who self-medicates..............WHY? Was I SO worthless? Because my (late) mother had been a doctor and, compared to her, I was worthless. Kudos to those who have been able to, at least, regain even a small sense of self-worth. I wish I had been able to!
A lot of who we are is shaped by our childhood experiences. We've evolved to cope with life, consciously or subconsciously and sometimes, our natural coping mechanisms do more harm than good. It's important to be aware of this and use it to develop healthy mindsets that'll allow us to live fulfilling lives rather than self-destructive behaviors.
I had a panic attack watching this :( Oh man this hard. I remember getting constantly grounded for crying and questioning authority and was responded that I was talking back.
You aren't alone... Sounds like my youth also. The subconscious mind has no sense of time so those creepy memories need to get kicked to the curb... no matter how hard that sounds. Took decades for me to get to that point. Love your life!
As a child of two parents who were neglected during their childhoods and was also neglected because those parents had no idea how to show love or affection this video made me realize how much good parenting matters because as I was watching this I had the realization that all the problems they listed off in the video I struggled with at some point in life and still do with some of them
After my parents died, I was given a box of stuff which contained birthday cards/mother's day cards/xmas cards etc that I had given to my mum in my childhood. So many of them had messages I'd written in them saying things like 'I'm sorry I am so hard to put up with', 'I will try to be better this year' etc. It never changed anything, nothing was ever said about them. I found it nauseating reading them, I think I destroyed them (it was over 20 years ago).
100% correct. My father abandoned me when I was a baby. He would periodically return into my life for the next 35 years to commit abuses upon me until I disowned him. He is an malignant narcissist obsessed with money, power, and possessions. Took me forever to see this about him, and to see where my shame, guilt, and hatred of myself came from. Please, if you are not 100% into raising a child you created to be a functional/happy human being then do not have children.
I remember standing in the kitchen of my first year of university, chatting with a few friends. I was by the sink. They were sitting at the two round tables by the windows. I don't remember why the topic came up, but for whatever reason, as I was washing up a cup, it hit me. I'd been neglected. My experience of childhood was quite fundamentally different to those around me. I find it hard to blame my parents. They lost a child when I was around 4. That morning is my earliest memory. I don't think my parents ever got the help they needed. I remember crying when the cbeebies lunchtime jingle came on and I would have to go wake my mother so she could make food for me and my two brothers. I hated doing that. It was a constant feature of my summer holidays as a child. When I was 11, my hair got so matted and had so much lice I ended up having to have it cut off (once the lice was under control.) I've never told anyone this. I always said my hair was short during my teens because I wanted it that way. In fact, it was because it wasn't taken care of. I didn't know how to take care of it. I would often wear the same clothes all week because I didn't have enough clean school uniforms. Sometimes I'd lose bits, but I'd keep quiet about it because I didn't want to cause trouble. The house was a tip as well, could never have anyone over. For many years half my bed was various dirty clothes. Obviously there were the other small things, like never getting help with homework, or being made to feel like any request was too much. I still have trouble accepting gifts, or asking for things I need. I just don't like to impose on people. I hate imposing on people. I've been going through the SoL videos on anxiety and self hatred and I don't think anything has ever spoken to me more. I don't want to give the impression my parents were bad people. They're not. They just don't understand what they did to me.
Most if this I can relate. Especially the trying to solve problems on my own part. And the uncomfy when done a favor to or when recieving a gift. Here's a virtual hug.
I feel suicidal because of this. My parents were never actually parents, and it’s bad, both sides of my family are like ‘this’ so I’m alone. It’s really hard to want to be in this world when you weren’t wanted and don’t have a support system. It’s like, I never asked to be born but now I’m here and I just have to deal with it on top of having to deal with the effects of trauma, and my body being damaged by it to the point I’m no longer functional according to society’s expectations. Life hasn’t been enjoyable because most of the things that make life enjoyable isn’t taking into consideration of those who have cptsd. Of course this is my experience, there’s people who’ve gone through a shit load of trauma and still enjoy certain things about life. I’m just sharing what it’s like for me.
I'm glad you feel suicidal. Facing your truth will give you the foundation, first by cutting out the BS, to eventually (yeah, its a long slow slog) turn away from what ails you. This stranger would like to ask you to continue your restless, hard but necessary search for self worth. Please don't give up due to what someone else done to you. I always thought I suffered from PTSD til I learned my case was worse with the addition of C. C, imo and painful experience makes it more specific to my childhood trauma. After many lost and lonely years C was a revelation to me. It raised more questions for which I'd grown acustomed to looking into every nook and cranny, leaving no stone unturned for answers, to what I now know as my existence. I've had moments of epiphany. Now I have existentialism. For me reading and keeping a diary are just two tools that has helped me over the years to keep the dark thoughts in check. I'm at a stage now where my CPTSD, like my awlful past, is fading to be replaced by visceral feelings of the present and the future. I've surprizingly learned finally that hope is a thing. Live long and prosper.
Sorry you feel this way. Keep reading books and watching videos to strengthen your thoughts and outlook on life. Your parents made bad choices but now it is your life you are living. Make good choices to enjoy this life for yourself. Stay away from bad people to...they will just get you in serious trouble and cause more heartache.
Stay strong, make friends with good people and seek all the help you can get. As an adult, unwanted child of an alcoholic father and depressed mother I can say that it's not going to be easy, but it's worth it. You are worthy, give yourself the help and love you deserve.
@bri, I have never resonated with anyone as much as I did when I read your comment. You know what I really hate about this situation? And I no matter how much I explain what circumstances I have been under, noone else around seems to get them fully. And then they look nervous about coming up with a response about whatever they heard and they say "everything will be fine. Just hang on. you are such a strong person." And they disgust me 😅 I can feel they want to get rid of the situation and of the responsibility of being a friend to a person in this situation. 😅 and these are people I used to think of as a support system because I never got it from my family. It's like they keep repeatedly kicking me in my gut. Making me open up and then leaving me in the my most vulnerable because I am "strong and I can deal with it alone." Sometimes it makes me jealous of people who have comparatively resolved lives. 😅
The thing with this is that it forms the basis of everything. It is so damn hard to be able to do anything, feel anything good when you are marinating in that environment all day everyday. Jobs, colleges, hangouts, everything else is secondary but when you come home to this, it is so damn hard. The energy it takes out of you is like nothing else. And then that lack of energy translates into every relationship that you have, be it the romantic types or any other.
I try to tell my friends this but they just don't understand and think I'm being ungrateful. They don't understand what it's like to be in a constant state of discomfort in your own home.
Exactly I'm stuck. and other doesn't understand the damage it caused. they think I exaggerate or that lt's all in my head they know nothing about it. I hope soon l can leave this house and get a job. after that l will never look back. my sibling is narcissist btw they're all crazy
Life is hard enough. The small things..getting car towed, denstist canceling your apt last minute, a rude receptionist…feel so much bigger when you weren’t given a decent childhood full of love. It’s like the most basic shit in life sucks 20x worse, because my foundation in life wasn’t built with love. It truly is a nightmare being me sometimes.
Society ruins you so you don't ruin society back, it's a hard lesson it's almost unbearable and it is for all those school shooter all those public shooters who doesn't take it well when society breaks their will. All these actions originate from people who weren't loved when they ABSOLUTELY NEEDED IT . I can't believe the solution was so simple yet invisible 😢
Your channel @SchoolofLife is what’s been helping me realize it’s been CPTSD all along. The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YT has been helping me overcome a lot of this.
My Mom and Dad “ boarded” me out when I was born until I was 2 years old and they came to see me and bring clothes and saw I had a large boil on my head and I was rocking back and forth moaning, mind you the lady ( Elsie) whom I was placed with was uneducated and said “ I put some bacon on it to draw it out” she was also very southern. Upon seeing the condition I was in they took me to the dr. Where the area was lanced and as my Mother tells it…I breathed a sigh of relief, and took me home for good. Now…I had/have 3 older sisters that were at home with the parents their entire life and could never get an answer as to why I had to be throw to the side? They were not poor, in fact I had everything a child could want when growing up, but Love. My family does not hug or say “I love you” ever! and I have trouble doing either as well, but I try to break that odd stiff behavior and have done well at breaking it. I can hug friends etc..but I find it difficult to hug family. Sheesh! Anyway, I suffered as a child with my parents choices or lack there of..I had such low self esteem ( still do,) that it was debilitating and later I took myself to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with agoraphobia at the age of 18 to get help to come out into the world…even if it was delayed. I can only attribute my lack of confidence and fear in life to their early abandonment of me or what looks like abandonment to me along with the weird, loose atmosphere in my home growing up. I had no rules growing up, no meal time and no structure, I’m amazed I have gotten as far as I have, but I was always working to overcome my phobia’s…I do struggle incredibly everyday. My friends have said I am the only sane ione in my family….which is almost true! Lol. Children need love, structure, attention and encouragement, it can stifle growth if ones mind if not given those basic things.we allow ideas and thoughts to creep into our minds at such young ages and they can take root! Do not have children if you are ill equipped to offer what they will need to progress into well shaped individuals as they grow up. Stability and love is so very vital to the young mind and a sense of being loved and belonging to a family is probably the most important! Btw, I still suffer with agoraphobia which leads to social anxiety, its all lack of self esteem and a feeling of being “less-than” but I will never give up trying to talk myself into believing, that I’m as good as anyone else, just different!
Well now it makes sense. On my case, Having a bipolar mother is difficult and a narcissistic father is more. I truly did what was expected. But it didn't matter. I am still doing it. But this have brought me difficulties with me as an adult, I do everything by myself, I don't talk about how I feel cause it was considered a weakness in my "home".
Any parent was once a child as well and so as their parents. I don’t know if anyone would agree but this is what I realized in my journey, that we exponentially become our parents unless of course we realized that someone needs to stop the awful history; to get out of the loop.
it is a deep empty sadness in the pit of your stomach.... the knowledge that everybody failed an innocent child that still cries alone and wonders what is wrong with them... i dont know how to pacify the little girl and convince her that it definitely was not her fault :(
Just divorced a man, self hating and emotionally crippled by a on the surface functioning but icecold mother and a bullying father. I cannot believe this video just came up 😞
My ex had a very toxic and cold mother and an abusive father. He was targeted more than the rest of his siblings and they all sort of hate him and look down on him as well. I love the guy but he really needs to look inside and figure out himself before he can have relationships.
This video stroke a nerve in my, it was on point. it took me years of therapy, tears and sad days and nights to notice that while I am flaw, I am not crazy, I'm not stupid. I am damaged, I was in an abusive enviroment with toxic people. And it took me a very long time to realise this, and act upon it by cutting them off my life.
Amazing how this video gets released a week after my first baby is born. I swear this channel reads my mind and constantly releases things relevant to my life!
Have you had issues with self-hatred? Let us know what helped you in the comments below. If you enjoy our films and want a say on what ones we make you can now become a channel member here: th-cam.com/channels/7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog.htmljoin
I've felt defective for as long as I can remember. Therapy has helped, but it's still so easy to slip back into self-hate, self-impatience, etc. Thank you for this video--it means so much.
I haven't found a cure for my self-hatred but I've turned to your channel a lot over the last few years as I fear I've become too much for my friends and family. Also, I can't afford therapy. Just one thought that I hold on to; as pathetic as I am in so many ways, at least I've never meant anyone any harm.
Not even thoughts or emotions are without consequences. They affect your behaviour and those around you. Be careful what you think and make an effort to overcome negative emotions for the sake of those around you
"Pain that is not transformed is transferred". If we do not transform our own pain, it will be transfered on to those around us, which ends up being our children. Brene Brown introduced me to to this through her research on shame.
I'm in my 40s. I recently had a conversation with my mother where she mentioned that she always hugged and kissed us as children. I don't remember that childhood. I know that if I told her otherwise, she wouldve screamed and cried. I left it alone.
My family always did uncomfortable forced hugs when departing from visits. You know the kind - stiff, distanced, with pats on the back. There were no other hugs and never kisses. I made the mistake of saying once that I was never told I was loved. Now (after almost 60 years) it is said in an off-handed way at the end of phone conversations, and it is even more uncomfortable than the forced stiff hugs. I wish I'd never mentioned it.
My parents loved to remind me of the failure I was, literally everyday, its not even the worse thing. Abuse, violence, blaming me for their own mistakes, I dont even know why I'm writting this tbh. Curious enough, they still think everything is fine and done an amazing job just because they put food at the table or clothing. I think Im just tired, I have two child's and its incredible difficult for me not to ruin their precious innocence with my traumas constantly remind me of this things. I think I'm just tired honestly.
@mz. white - nelligan yeah I question everyday if im doing a good job and I dont even know if im doing actually something positive with them, but at least im with them, playing with them even though im tired all the time, and at least if I screw up in any way I just say that im sorry something that no one has ever done to me. Hope you do well and gain mote strength to keep going.
@Leonardo Moreira It is possible that your overwhelming Tiredness comes from the different roles you are managing in your life. First and foremost, being a Father - and trying to do your best for your children. But always in the background is 1) the unhealed child Leonardo, who was abused and 2) the angry, dismissed Leonardo, whose parents are unable or unwilling to acknowledge their abusive and violent behaviours as parents./ It may be a new idea for you to look at joining a support group of other men, or seeing a family therapist to gain some extra skills and understanding, and help lighten the burdens and load from your childhood. Your Tiredness may be a sign that your body can't keep going like this for much longer - and there is no shame Leonardo in getting some support. There is no law that says we have to fix everything on our Own. Although most of us stick with that technique until we fall apart from the effort !😦 There is also no harm in showing your children (perhaps when they're older) that their Dad is not a robot. He is always learning new things and growing - just like his kids 👍
The most underrated crime in human history is bad parenting
Absolutely 💯💯💯 and it’s the cause of all the other crimes too....
So common. And people wonder why this world has so many problems.
So true!!
Totally! There should be legal terms for that
Best quote i heard in forever.
Some of us recognized the dysfunction early on. We ended up resenting our parents, wishing they could have been more like the loving parents of our friends and classmates. We knew intuitively there was something deeply wrong with our parents. At the same time, society informed us that we are required to love our parents. This situation takes a very long time to recover from.
Even after realization and emotionally distancing from them at a young age, it can leave feelings of self-hatred.
@@ChiefQueef_ my 8 year old niece constantly asks me if I hate myself and I’m like, “what?! No!....Do you?” Her silence spoke volumes 😭😭 Children don’t ask to be born! Parents owe their children the best life they can give them.
@@universeofopulence I ended up with D.I.D because of horrific abuse. I was adopted into a very dysfunctional family. My adoptive grandfather was a 33rd degree freemason and he ran a child rape/sodomy/trafficking/porn ring. They used very sophisticated mind control techniques. I have over 200 parts but am learning to love all of them more and more every day and we are moving towards greater integration. Healing has been frickin hard but so worth it. Everyone has wounded inner child states that need love, welcoming and acceptance.
I recognised something was wrong very early on and I so desperately wanted to have a different family, 20 years later I'm still struggling with self-esteem issues, anxiety, loss of connection with myself, it takes a whole lot to recover from this, but I hope every person here who went through this can find peace.
I walked out the first time with a packed bag at age 7.
At 44, i am just now starting to navigate away from self loathing. If you had crappy parents, they already stole your childhood. Don't let them take your adulthood too. You have the power to heal and develop lasting, meaningful relationships.
We in this together, let's go! ❤
43 here. You are not alone 🤜🤛
I’m 45….feel so worthless and now realizing why….would be great to have others to talk to in the same situation
SO wonderful to hear!! ❤Good for you!!! I'm happy for you because you do have some time on your side and wouldn't it be terrific to feel happy !!?? 😊I'm 69 and done........have been for quite awhile but I have two great sons who lost their abusive father ( cancer) when they were teenagers so I'm stuck with 'life" I wish you ( all on this 'forum") the very best in healthier mental lives as you go forward!
Thank you for this wisdom.
I have thrown out 1000s of images of my abusive sadistic parents_🎉
I'm 26 years old and I have never ever been hugged by my parents (no, they're not dead), and the result is now I have trouble expressing affection to others and I'm uncomfortable when people start being affectionate to me
Hi Shona, it is never too late to do right for you, by you. Please seek out talk therapy if you haven’t already, and perhaps check out Pete Walker’s CPTSD book. Recognition/awareness is a hard first step; please do keep going, start a path toward healing. ❤️
I relate to this. I’m in the same boat myself and while I’m personally comfortable with no affection, it can be destructive in relationships because I don’t think of giving it.
I'm not a therapist, but if you feel it would help you can do this: I have dolls, a baby with a crib and a bottle. Alone at home i stand them near me, like a game, and i hug them, and tell them words of comfort like they are beautiful, and they are loved, like a ritual of self parenting, all that I wish I was told when i was little. I cry sometimes. Maybe i should ask my therapist if it's a good thing.
Hey i read a book that describes your experience, the book won't help in healing by itself, but if you get your therapist to read it would be awesome. "HEALING THE UNAFFIRMED Recognizing Emotional Deprivation Disorder". Conrad W. Baars, M.D. and Anna A Terruwe, M.D. Edit, even if you don't have a therapist, it may help, at least to intellectually figure the damage so you can come up with something to get over it. I hope it helps.
same bruh. no hugs, no “i love you”s/“i’m proud of you” & they don’t celebrate important milestones in my life... now as an adult, i’m so emotionally unexpressive and in the eyes of others i think i come across as someone that can’t be bothered with keeping friendships i’ve made... but the truth is i just don’t know how to go about maintaining relationships, how to express myself & showing affection is such a foreign thing to me.
Same here, not to mention barely any eye contact. Unfortunately, I found that I had to break all contact with them to improve my mental state.
It’s crazy how much our relationship with our parents as children affects our relationship with ourselves as adults.
I know, it's mad that we don't realize it at the time, but only understand it properly once we're grown!
@@trinaq They're the product of how they were raised. It's a cycle.
I know right. And then we have kids and it makes us remember our childhood even more. I just had a daughter and I hope to show her more love than I got.
And with other people, romantic or otherwise.
👍
Abuse is horrible, but neglect is a special version of hell. You are invisible. No amount of good grades or special talent is enough to get recognition (at home). Your shortcomings are served to you buffet style when you do get any attention. By puberty, that little bit of cuteness that was your last saving grace is gone and you are a detestable burden. In adulthood, finally, you watch everyone else succeed but just trying to keep a job, and hold onto the bare minimum, is a significant struggle. If they only knew how hard you try...
Just have to learn to cope with the fact that not everyone on earth was meant to suceed, have a great childhood, become rich and get status. Some peoples are just fillers in life and that is okay when you realise that life is a simulation. It dosent really matter, when you die you will lose your sense of self and you will fade into nothingness and non of this will have mattered whatever you did, on the grand scale of things humans are essentially meaningless, you ever ask yourself why the universe is so indiffrent to us? Because it is just the edge of the playable game map. When you realise this it will give you a sense of relief and you can just pursue whatever makes you happy in life, damn the consequences. Nothing matters.
@@styxzero1675 I like this comment. Nihilism really does feel like a cure sometimes.
@@RefinedMale it's the worst poison and you know it
Imagine all this happened just to you coz you're the girl child ..whereas your elder brother recieved all the appreciation and opportunities...and you can literally see how baisedyour parents are but really can't do anything about it ..and as you grow up, you become a rebel..and you're so exhausted for fighting for your right to be respected and loved, that you truly long for just one human who wouldn't be so hypercritical about you and just love you genuinely with all the heart ...which is extremely rare to happen...
Exactly. It's even more painful if we were neglected plus carry a lot of responsibility in such a young age. U feel like u have no childhood at all. No wonder Im numb and doesn't care anything about my caregiver. I'm glad I've grown up now and can do decision to myself to cut them off completely and just be happy with my life. This life is just one shot. I'm not going to waste this trying to please that caregiver
Only ever being scowled at, never smiled at.
Only ever criticised, never praised, no matter how well I did in school.
Never receiving an ounce of affection.
Being left alone.
Never having fun with my parents.
Never being reassured.
Being ignored, despite repeating myself over and over until I gave up talking.
Being of less worth because I wasn’t thin; constantly being told I had a fat this, that or the other.
I could go on.
My mother is a broken human because of her unhealed childhood trauma, and I believe only had me because my dad likely talked her into having a second child . She would have happily not had another, after a bad time with my older brother keeping her awake for the 1st 2 years of his life. I believe I was resented from the get go. I believe she also had post natal depression.
This manifests today in me, still. People pleasing. Terrified of conflict. Always trying to keep the peace. Never standing up for myself. Scared of being disliked. Feeling like the only way to solve problems is to run away. Not really being able to articulate myself in conversations. Never arguing because of lacking confidence in my argument.
Always trying to remember it wasn’t my fault. Always trying to love and care for myself. Still struggling through.
Hugs out there to anyone who identifies with any of this. ❤️ it’s not your fault. You deserved love.
You deserved love too. I hope you find peace one day.
I feel your words deeply. We can do this ❤️ & you deserve love too!
😭
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Growing up my parents always made me feel like I owed them my life, that I should be grateful because they paid for my food, my living expenses and everything I have. To me, It is a ridiculous proposition, why would anyone bring a child into existence if they're not prepared to raise the child? Do they honestly expect a toddler to work and feed itself? Now I am estranged from my parents and I have never felt more relieved, they would call me selfish, ungrateful and whatever negative adjectives that can comfort their souls, but I'm not going back to that abusive life I wanted to escape since young.
If you're a parent, please do not make your kid feel like they're indebted to you, they're not. They do not choose to be born, it is by your decision they come into being, hence it is your responsibility to raise them, if you only have children to count on one day they will take care of you, don't have children, you're running their lives, chances are you'll ruin yours.
Hear hear!
Amen
I was labelled selfish by my parents from the get-go, before I even understood the meaning of the word. As a result, I became a people pleaser, easily intimidated, believed I had to give in to whatever anyone else wanted - and I mean whatever they wanted. Living like this creates resentment in older years.
Sound like you have “old school ” Asian parents
@@tracik1277 I can relate to your comment so well. I hope you are healing and I wish you well after such a difficult childhood
When my mother texted me she was too busy to come to my wedding I dropped to the ground sobbing. I rang my sister & the first thing that came out of my mouth was: “Why am unlovable? Why am so revolting & awful that she doesn’t love me.” My big sister said “You are more loveable than you could ever imagine.” We sobbed together. I don’t think people can understand what it’s like to have a parent who just can’t be what they are meant to be. Not everyone gets to have a mother, be thankful if you do.
Agree. My father has treated me like shit always. I still question why he could not love me
I didn't even invite my parents to my wedding, I don't need to risk them embarrassing themselves and ruining the day being immature weirdos.
i’ve felt that before although not in the same way. i’m sorry they failed you. you are so deserving of the love you crave. ❤
@@abczuchini3757 Reading this make me sob a littel ngl, Im an older brother of 4 (16, 12, 4, 2) I also used to think im unlovable and awful but when I was about ten years old im really lucky to become a friend (we're more than friend now) with someone who really change how I see myself. I aspire to be like her and your like your big sister, giving them the love that they deserve. Wish you the best 🤍
(Sorry if im not making any sense im not really good at english)
Sorry I accidentally ping you gayatri
This is why, people really need to think through their decision before having children if they're capable to provide love, safety, and the basic necessity for another human being.
I think that your comment is spot on because this hugely important decision must be unselfish and focused on the child. This so important that I think it should be discussed/taught in the last year of school so that it is imbedded into people's conscientiousness as soon as they are able to understand the concepts.
In some cases,children come before the parents get aware of the choices before them like when its teen pregnancy.
Who is the judge of that,sensitive to being rejected or unloved,the picture could get complicated💥
In my experience it was impossible to imagine what parenthood would be like before becoming a parent, so people aren't qualified to 'think through' becoming a parent until it's too late. I set an intention of the kind of dad I would be, which has helped guide me, but oh boy, it comes with challenges and you only get one shot with each kid. Best thing that ever happened in my life though
I was sure I ddnt want one, found out four days before giving birth. :(
"Sometimes when a person doesn't have children, it's a humane act. Sometimes when a person does have children, it's an Inhumane Act." Eric Warnock
So true and very well said.
@@vickiecordon7887 Thanks. I formulated that recently. It took a while swirling around in my cabeza.
I got fixed so I cant have kids (tubal ligation) because my mental health is so bad and I cant bear to pass that down.
@@ForestBeans I didn't get fixed, but I didn't have children. I had a little bit of enlightenment about myself when I was about 17 that gave me a clue not to have kids.
@@Mypromiselive Don't be so harsh on yourself. You realise that having children doesn't always bring joy and you have decided to not take that path because you are not prepared to take a gamble on an innocent child's life. It shows you to be compassionate and caring, a beautiful person. Not your fault your parents couldn't see that. Their loss.
Grew up in an Asian family with narcissistic parents who thought showing love was a weakness and could never express it. It's even awkward to hug a family member. Everything is true, you grow up to be self hating, shameful adults. To deal with this shame and self hate, the mind, even at that young age engages in maladaptive behaviors killing off their genuine self and putting on masks. And when that need for love is still not met, they shut down emotions. These attitudes and behaviors over time leads to maladies and condition like pure OCD, limerence, social anxiety, depression, covert narcissism and etc that will surface later in life. All things that can wastefully consume the hours and days of life, and prevent you from becoming the person you are truly meant to be. It can also lead some to becoming an extreme people pleaser later in life, to the point where it becomes unhealthy.
Their social and emotional development are hindered because they are still stuck in that self hating phase and rarely do they know how to deal with problems in a healthy manner, because they never had that love and support. This could also lead to addictions like gambling, drinking, and etc. Please don't starve your child of affection and attention.
If you have been a victim in the past, try to stop the cycle. Forgiveness is the first step. Forgive yourself and your parents. They were most probably victims themselves. I also believe therapy is a good attempt to overcome this.
i'm so sorry to hear this....just remember it's not your fault...
i can relate but not in the same circumstances. sorry you had to endure that. i can only imagine how much pain that caused you. the good news is that now you are
aware that THEY are the ones with the hard hearts of stone, not you. Face it, feel it, let out the pain, and recover. We don't have to let the past define our futures....
Wise words… Children should be smothered in affection and love connection and emotional engagement…
Same situation bro! Got OCD when I was 18. 10yrs hence, still battling it. But now I know what to do , it was never my fault.
Wow I’m Asian and I experience what you just said :(
When i was younger i was so focused on being a good daughter and trying to make her parents proud. Now i focus on making myself proud and not caring about my parents' opinions about me, because i realized that no matter what i say or do they always invalidate me. So why not just do what i love that makes me proud of myself.
Well said! Take the high road and leave thecburden of resentment and regret behind. Leave your mind open and free to embrace the love and compassion we all are meant to have.
Good for you! Very inspirational! I'm going to do this too! 😊 Thanks for sharing! 💕
You wrote my heart out
Wow these are truly beautiful words. I will steal them now, just to read as a reminder to push forward. Thank you!
Oh Wow. Your words resonated with me. You spoke from my heart also.
It always goes back to childhood doesn’t it...
Sadly yes
The child within has to die... if we are to find a way out of home.
Yes it does yes
Nothing has to die, rather it has to be accepted..
Πάντα..
My parents excelled at so many areas of parenthood, so I never understood what happened to me in childhood to generate such self-hate and low self esteem. My mom cooked dinner every night, we had lots of toys and each one of us had our own bedroom. We were always physically safe, took amazing summer vacations, had help with our homework in the evenings. It took a long time for me to realize that as a child, I was “pushed away” a lot in moments when I was vulnerable. I guess my parents were trying to make me more independent emotionally, but that’s not quite what happened. I remember being afraid at night and feeling that I couldn’t go downstairs to their bedroom for comfort because I knew they would get irritated with me. I felt I couldn’t ask for hugs or cuddles because I was actually physically pushed away a few times by my mother who was almost always busy with a task. My older sisters wanted nothing to do with me and often ran off with their friends to leave me alone at home. Although I was well-cared for and I love my parents for EVERYTHING they did “right” in raising me, I do remember feeling very lonely as a child and I started believing there was something fundamentally wrong with me that my parents didn’t want to hold me or be around me. They were simply too busy to be bothered, but I’ve carried this feeling with me my whole life. When I don’t meet my own expectations, I feel undeserving. Hopefully I can create self-love as an adult.
This is so relatable, I hope you have made progress with self-love!
My parents did everything right except exist emotionally for me. It’s been hard trying to understand that they actually caused damage and made me who I am today. And even harder trying to repair that damage in order to love and accept myself, to be more than just a quiet reflection of what I think those around me want.
And then you see the other kids with worse parents and feel even more guilty, something must be wrong with me, etc. Then one day you grow up and realize all the suffering was unnecessary because all the thoughts and feelings were just bullshit. It's all conditioned, mechanical, karma. It's not you. No need to think about it or let it trouble you. Just let it go.
I feel that. The case for me was every time I was distressed (because I was pushing myself so hard academically to get my parents approval), I would be met with either invalidation or disdain. ‘You have been given so much, so why would you feel that way’. Or ‘look at the other kids who are less privileged that you’. And I felt so much shame. It’s crippling and im only starting to unpack it today.
Oh god same. My parents are great people, but I have had my fair share of hardship
And while some of the trauma comes from my family, half of it probably comes from primary school. Some kids were really awful to me
Anyways, the family dynamic wasn’t entirely setting me up for success either. I can remember myself trying to get their attention when I was very little, not always feeling like I would get a response. I remember feeling anxious as a very, very young kid. And I remember feeling a slight disconnect to both of them, in different ways. Why won’t mum play with me? Am I weird for wanting to play? Do I have to do well to please her? I noticed that she was quick to take care of me, but she didn’t comfort me like in the warm way I craved. My dad is a warm and playful person (the typical ”funny dad” who kids loved) but he seemed quite absent-minded at times, too. And since he isn’t the best at recognising small shifts and details in others, he left that part to my mum. And as I described earlier, she couldn’t always be there for me either. I guess both had their childhood traumas, too.
It’s hard to look back at all of this at age 30.
I feel very different, separate, and like I’m watching the world from the outside of a snow globe. I’m an alien looking in. 🤨
Story of my life 😅 everything else is great and I do feel loved but the American society makes it so that parents are always busy. And during vulnerable moments it's ethier pushed away or far the extreme opposite, confronted but very aggressively. After that, I grew more content with being pushed away, because I feel it's far better than the other option. And I would purposely avoid confronting. I do feel like I'm looking at the world in 3rd person, and do have pretty poor self esteem. It's not great. I still ask myself y I have these problems if I'm not in other kids positions.
I cannot afford therapy. This channel is a blessing for me.
ACA (adult children of alcoholic and dysfunctional families) for when you can't afford therapy
It is worth the cost honestly even if it is difficult.
modern society causes self hate which people then blame on their parents lol. modernism is a false god
@@mikelisteral7863 i think they're both intertwined
@@CDines humans are ancient. we are basically still cavemen. modernism is unnatural
The best career advice that I learned is don’t ever attach your-self to a PERSON, a place, a company, an organization or a project. Only Attach your-self to your mission in life and your PURPOSE. That’s how you keep your power and keep your peace!
thanx! that actually helped me to wrap my head around a task that lies ahead of me.
I figured that out a few months ago, but struggling to practice it haha.
"Only Attach your-self to your
mission in life and your PURPOSE" this is nothing but beautiful words, nothing to do with reality. We are humans we cannot do that.
What if your mission or purpose is one of those aforementioned things?
Also this relies upon knowing what your purpose is, do most people know that?
@@blahqwe i really like what mel robbins says about this - don't search for your purpose or passion - just follow your energy.
"passion is not a person place or thing.
it is the feeling of being expanded and energized."
the key question is - what energizes me.
Well damn wasn’t expecting to cry today. Also, after reading the comments, I never thought I’d be in a space with so many people like me. I literally don’t know anyone else’s parent who were abusive, hateful, manipulative and just downright evil as mine. I went through everything in this video and I outright hate myself. I was a straight “A” student, an athlete, had perfect attendance and never got in trouble. Not because I was raised correctly, but because I wanted to be worthy of being taken care of…I never achieved that goal. And, that led into my life. Romantic relationships even platonic friendships all led me be mistreated and apologize and “change” as if I was ALWAYS the issue. Through therapy and time…I’m just now combating this in my 30s….
I’m sorry this happened to us…but it isn’t the end.
*I forgive everyone who has harmed me in this life or in any other life that I have lived. I forgive them and release them and let them go. AND I forgive myself for anyone I have harmed in this life or in any other life in any way at all. I forgive, release it and let it go* ♥️
Thank you for sharing. Nope you are not alone, I took thought I was. I'm fifty and learning to live from my authentic self. But know this, healing is possible. And God showed me this, We are survivors. If we made it through this as children, what else could we accomplish as adults?. Blessings ❤
@@aleksandra_jesusAmen we must forgive. And it really is necessary for the process of continued healing. However, platforms like this help us heal and process the pain, to release us from all the turmoil that was put on us. It brings evil/ darkness to light by exposing it's tactics and schemes. And the forgiveness allows the 🕯️ light to shine even brighter in us. ❤God Bless!!
I'm a few years older than you and... even if we're scarred for life, it does get better. Stay strong brother
By the time we realize that our parents could also make mistakes and it is not necessarily us who are in the wrong all the time, it's too late, the damage has already been done.
Too late to have no scars, but never too late to start healing the scars.
It's a hard work indeed, but it doesn't have to be too late necessarily. Hope, resilience... we can be way stronger than our ego/damaged child think we are!
@@whiteraven90 Healing the scars can't bring back all the time wasted
@@franacha time can never be taken back. It’s necessary to make our peace with that fact. And that should not keep us from the Liberation that comes with healing those scars. Peace be with you
@@franacha Look at it this way; the past technically does not exist. The present does. Memories in one's mind exist. It's an important distinction to make, because it allows you to realize that the only thing you need to address in the present to feel good about your life is those memories. Accept what happened (or what should have happened but didn't), understand it deeply enough to know that it could not have happened in any other way than the way it did, give yourself time to mourn your losses, let them go, and move on. Reframe memories so that they do not hinder but aid you in the present. In the here and the now, you have the opportunity to be a better "parent" to yourself than your parents were, and that's all you need. You don't need to turn back time to feel free or contented.
I am going through a ridiculous amount of self-hatred recently. One thing that helped today was remembering a time I made someone laugh. It reminded me that I wasn’t completely worthless, and I was able to combat the overwhelming feeling of worthlessness.
Don't become the sad clown either.
Remember that looking for evidence of "why we're not worthless" is still a framework of believing that we're worthless and must somehow prove otherwise. No amount of "proving" otherwise will supplant that, because we're still locked into the framework of looking for some kind of outside validation to prove it (What happens when the outside validation stops? Did that brief validation fix us forever? No, we go back to looking for more evidence somewhere else, from someone else).
This may be helpful: Start externalizing blame. Worthlessness and a sense of self-blame ("I'm responsible for this situation") go hand in hand.
*Feel embarrassed about an awkward interaction at the store? It's their fault. They shouldn't have had their head up their ass and should have been watching where they were going. Fuck them.
*Bored with your job? Maybe they shouldn't be so fucking lame. Maybe capitalism is a boring fucking rat race, and it's horseshit to think that we should all be happy doing the same boring thing all fucking day. Fuck them.
>>> You might just find that you know what, you're right! Maybe you HAVE been accommodating a bunch of people and situations that don't serve you. Maybe they've been getting exactly what they want while you cater to them and look for their fleeting smiles and nods of approval. Maybe they're gonna have to start figuring it out for themselves, instead of being catered to.
>>> Note: You might have feelings of sadness and fear come up when you start doing this...like "what if I lose all my friends, or my job?" or "What if I start doing what I want, and then I'll end up all alone?" - Sit with that. Why is it exactly that you feel this way, and that externalizing blame or not accommodating others equals isolation and loss? What beliefs drive those feelings?
***In case it wasn't obvious, this is based on personal experience, and your mileage may vary. But I think it fits a pattern that I'm sure a lot of people share. Much love, and best of luck out there***
@@cdubs406 There is something to this. At age 50 I finally, finally allow myself to fully feel anger toward the offenders (parents, etc.) instead of completely internalizing the pain and transforming it into self-hatred. There is a grieving process that comes along with this. Realizing and accepting that our parents are deeply flawed and not gods. We can start to heal and love ourselves when we fully realize this and allow ourselves to grieve the loss of our ideal parents.
To be able to make someone laugh is one of the best gifts you can give another person.
@cdubs206 lol, I love your idea of externalizing blame. That’s been very helpful for me, who used to always blame myself. F that! Everyone else sucks, it’s not my fault 😁 Obviously there are limits to this, but it’s a healthy counterbalance for those of us who were blamed too much in childhood, to start throwing off the weight of all those unfair projections and expectations.
My childhood wasn't the best, but I grew up a couple houses down from three boys who had a horrific mother. The father was long gone. You could hear her screeching at them all over the neighborhood. This was back in a time when folks just shook their heads and looked the other way. One of the boys committed suicide in his 20's. Another died from drug abuse. The third, who bore the brunt of his mother's rage, works hard, but his life seems to be a disaster, and I know he doesn't cope well, even as he approaches 60 years old. But he has a big heart, and we have remained good friends through the years.
and how did that impact your childhood again?
Thank you for this.. I'm 18, and I'm the youngest and I seem to relate to that story
@@amusicalinstrument9745dik
My mother seems to have completely erased the memory of all the abuse she did to me. Perhaps it's her own coping mechanism, not wanting to accept that she is the main reason her youngest daughter wants to die. She's old and I let it be, some things can't be fixed with therapy I suppose, I hope all the adults that was treated inhumane in the past can find peace in little pleasure one day.
Same here "im just trying to keep the family together" hhmmm now you care? After years of emotionally abusing your children, treating them like slaves, to the point where several of us wished to take our own lives or wished we could run away. I'll be damned if im the reason my kids want to commit suicide or run away from home
You might be interested in It's Not Your Fault by Beverly Engel and Recovering From Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.
My mother would like to take a revisionist position in how she raised us. I simply won’t allow it. I knew at 20, my healing relied on making her confront what she had done. If I had not, I would be lost today. Today I care for her more than I did in my 30s but it would not have been possible (for me) without confrontation. I pray the absolute best for you!
I hope you find peace and happiness 😊
I know she used to hit us a fair bit. When people move towards me unexpectedly, I flinch, move back, or raise my hands in defence every time. I always get irritated when she walks in the room and I’m not studying, working or being productive. She says she doesn’t remember hitting us, or even ‘hitting us that much’. Now even I’m not sure. But I feel like those physical and emotional instincts I have now, tells me that maybe what she did actually was significant.
Thanks for explaining my childhood.
Explained my childhood as well
@@bluecaster same :/
same
Same here😢 one good thing out of this is that we don't have to continue the cycle it can stop with us
@@sophiafake-virus2456 we're not victims.. it happened for us not to us but it shows that there's more than one person going through this and the fact that we have that in common helps us move forward instead of dwelling on what happened and we heal from it faster.
I'm in my 50s , extremely grown up but somehow still seven years old and being told I'm not worth anything . It's a bizarre reality created by two now long vanished people.
Just imagine how sad a person must be inside, to tell their little seven year old that they're worthless.
@@nicolab2075 I've thought about this - putting myself in their shoes . But came to the conclusion that they were both narcissists incapable of actually loving a child , just using him . So as an adult I have no sympathy for them just disdain - it's a sad reality but true .
@Andy Nixon You may have heard an old saying from a Christian teaching order of brothers (I always want to say Augustine order, and that's wrong): "Show me the child at seven, and I will show you the man". A famous UK tv series called "Seven Up" investigated this idea. Meeting a group of seven year old school children in the 1960s, and then revisiting them every seven years to see how their talents, hopes and dreams had developed. It's a phrase I often think of in relation to my own family and friends.
@andynixon2820 i feel u maan 👍🏽
@@andynixon2820Sadly, they were lacking that same love in their own childhood. Who is the initial culprit?? The more advanced the world, the more stress we witness and hence the people that are lost and can't find themselves.
I yelled at my parents several times that if they did not want a child they should have taken a cold shower instead of sex because I was constantly reminded that I was unplanned and unwanted and could not get an abortion to avoid having me.
Tell them it's probably genetic---their parents probably didn't want them either. They're good examples of how NOT to be.
I’m sorry that’s such a terrible thing for them to constantly mention
Omg are u ok?????? That's really awful what happened to you......
@@klaudinegarcia8932 that is one of the main reasons I support abortion. Abortion would have been more humane than the emotional torture I endure knowing I was unplanned and unwanted and constantly being reminded of that. I am emotionally disfigured but I have to learn to be a parent to myself and it is not easy. Accomplishing anything seems harder for me than other people because of this.
You did not deserve that. You’re parents were irresponsible to regard you in such a way.
No matter how damaged you are, you can heal! You may not have good enough parents but you can always reparent yourself, take care of yourself and talk good about yourself. You did not have a choice when you were young but you have a choice now. Your feeling is valid even when you feel sad when your candy fell to the ground. Sadness is real. Feeling changes and won't last forever.
Thank you ❤️ 😪
thanks, such nice words,,, really appreciated it
This is really encouraging. Thank you for sharing these kind words.
thank you, I really appreciate this. It is very helpful to me. I have started to tell myself frequently, you didn't deserve the beatings you received, you didn't deserve the harsh words, the mocking of your feelings, the expectation to parent your parents. I am reparenting myself in the way I deserved when I was a small child. I'm actually going to copy your kind words into my jouranl so they can be a constant reminder to me.
Thanks🙂
I tell my son I love him multiple times a day, I give him hugs and kisses on a daily basis. He’s 7 right now and I’ve made a few mistakes in these seven years but nothing that would effect him forever. There is not a day that goes by or a minute in that day where I’m not thinking about making sure he’s loved for, cared for, encouraged, feeling good, feeling fed and so much more. When I found out he was being bullied in school, I lost it. I talked to teachers principals and reached out everywhere I could when he’s hurting I’m hurting. Never should he feel hurt. That’s my main mission. To always make him feel safe at my home. To feel loved, accepted and avoid as much hurt as possible. Hope I’m doing it right and he loves me as much as I love him when he grows up to be the most handsome gorgeous hilarious talented and funniest man alive! 👩🏻🍼👩👦
When I was bullied at school, my mom took side with them and even humiliated me in front of them. My whole family did that. When I read your comment, I am in tears and wish I had a mom like you. To protect me, feel like I matter. I would have had an amazing childhood. Thank you for what you are doing now. Your son will become an amazing man in the future!! ❤
You are a lioness.
Well I agree love unconditional is utmost, but it would be foolish as a parent to truly MAKE IT A SAFE SPCE for anybody, personally speaking I would have long ago died if I was raised in perfectly safe space and without some discipline without some beating if needed. YOU DONT WANT TO RAISE A KID THAT is too blind to the suffering of the world. Create a safe space in your own hands and home you live so your child doesn't hide anything from you but don't ever let him feel the rest of the world is as safe as you are. That's a recipe for disaster
But please remember to teach him that “bad” emotions like sadness, loneliness, anger, etc. are not bad at all. That if he feels one of these emotions because of being bullied it’s not something that should be seen as an issue it’s a normal reaction and necessary so that those emotions don’t get bottled up. Just be careful not to make it seem like he should always be happy or try very hard to prevent him from feeling negative emotions
Sounds great, but don’t go too far to one side. My mom did that and it ended up hurting us. Balance is key.
As a child, I didn't think I would live to see 25. It was the only way I could cope with the abuse in my home. I'm 30 now and I'm finally learning to actually LIVE my life and make plans for my future, not just survive everyday life. This video hits home!
my mother is sadist , just because her life her mother treat her very badly , my mother wants me to face same sought of problem , she always keeps saying her mother is like this like that... i am earning will move out of house.
I'm really grateful that I'm born in an era where I can access such quality content for free to guide me through my adolescence
Same❤
This is very true and the saddest thing it's that most parents are not even mean or evil people but they just don't know anything about proper education. They rely on the idea that a child forgets everything within a few minutes. So for them it doesn't matter what happens to you because you are just a child and as long as you have food and shelter you'll be fine 🙄🙄🙄
Dollar signs in their eyes. You can't remember anything too youngs.
It was my birthday yesterday and I heard from no one in my family. I called and wished everyone happy birthday in my family this year. Yet not a soul called me yesterday 😒
Not my parents, and definitely not my brother nor sister .
This message came to me today and is gradually opening my eyes. Its painful but thank you for this. I needed it
Birthday is more painful and hurtful day than any other days🙂
Happy belated birthday my friend, only strangers would do this. I feel u 👍🏽
Hey dear one: I know I'm late but...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! For this Year and onward!!! Wishing you the best of everything but most above all: that you are safe, that you are sheltered, that you have a reasonably safe environment (cause rent costs are inhumane and some of us survivors have to live where we can afford!), clean, healthy, fed, warm when it's cold, cool when it's hot, and on your way to love yourself!!! That is my bday wish for you!!!
(Oh and Happy Belated Birthday the past 2 years I missed your birthday 🎂- blow out your candles and make a wish beyond your hearts desire!!!)
Same here 😢
Happy belated birthday my dear friend 🫂 blessings to you!!!
As a teenager myself I'm actually kind of scared how accurate this is. Society teaches us that we should bow to our parents just because they took care of us when we were young. Bruh like I'm not the one who wanted to be born. You're the one who brought me to this world so isn't that your duty? Emotional blackmail ain't gonna do shit. I'm nice to nice people bacuse I choose to be, not because I owe them something
How sad that schools haven't changed! You can still love your parents even if they did a terrible job like mine did! When I was at school it was practically forbidden to talk ill of your parents or family. You were expected to put up with their nonsense just because they were family - just another excuse for families to treat each other badly.
There's no way I would have chosen my mother as a friend! I wouldn't want to associate with someone like that. I was always told " you only get one mother" & my reply was always " thank God" 🤣🤣🤣
I had a really bad childhood and teenage years i always kept to myself now j am a adult (20) i know it means nothing since it is just a comment on youtube but one thing i have to say is that how hard it is you have to reach out as hard as you can to find someone who does care i never did as a adult you are not given any chance so whike your still a kid reach out and accept the help that people give you and live your life how you want it grab every chance and keep goeing do not waste your youth in shame and self harm like me
I agree, giving us love, safety, physical necessities etc as a child is not a privilege, it’s a requirement. I hate this mindset of “love your parents no matter what”
We're suppposed to honor them even if they're fucking abusers or evil. Everyone always take our parent's side.
🎯
When I was a child my mom would tell me that she loved me but she didn’t like me as a person. She really wanted to have a girl. After three boys she got me. She was always disappointed in me. She was very vocal about it. I remember talking to her and she would ignored me. Now that I’m an adult, I can see both my parents treated me like an object.
My mum used to tell me she didn’t like me. It always cut me so deep because I tried to hard to be the perfect obedient child. She used to mock me for trying to please her. She said she didn’t like “simpering”. I was five years old and desperate for her not to leave me like she always threatened she would. It leaves a mark, doesn’t it 😢
Part of Competence required to be a parent is being thankful that you have a healthy happy baby ape opposed to throwing an inappropriate long or short term STROP over the gender.
I was being criticized by my family for every single thing; good or bad. Growing up I’m so critical and never satisfied with any of my achievements.
@@aleksandra_jesus I'll choose war
Don't jump to forgiveness if you don't genuinely feel it. Allow yourself to be angry at them, take your time and transit childhood pain.
(I'm at this point now, just share in case it's useful for someone)
Needed this. Thank you.
I'm having a hard time forgiving my dad. He left me a message saying "Please forgive me for whatever I did to you". I translate that to mean that he isn't truly sorry, acknowledging or accepting responsibility for what he did and he KNOWS exactly what it is (the whole community knows), but rather wanting me to dismiss it. I needed to see your statement;...so thank you.
Hmm
tbh i want to forgive them if for a single condition
for them to fully take accountability on what they did to me and to truly strive to be better
sadly that won't come and the feeling of vindication that i would have gotten might never come since they're already old and for their belief what i have is somehow fucking normal
like you just can't argue with old fucks they live on a different timeline where how they live and their morals are still relevant even though it's sorely outdated and that locking your child in a bathroom with no lights for hours is an actual crime and abuse and is basically solitary confinement lite edition
Thanks so much
I became the person my mother told me I would be. Unlovable, a failure, not worth loving, and it took me a lifetime to get over.
We live up or down to our parents' expectations. I lived down for a long time.
It's like some parents think they want children but when they have them they dont create true bonds with them and they just look fake and pretentious.
You don't know what kind of parent you are going to be until you there. In fact most people don't even really think about how they were rise until they have a child themselves.
what parents want is NOT "a child" what they want is a "CLONE" of themselves; a copy that will achieve what they failed in, and will manage what they couldn't .. what they truly want is a second chance in life .. to NOT get married NOT have kids, and WORK on self development and achieve their goals.
if there was NO FEAR from SOCIAL RIDICLUE .. believe me with an EGOLESS race .. giving birth would almost go extinct!
@@TrueInvisible That's inherently wrong. Reproduction is a biological process. It's why we feel attracted to other people. We subconsciously see them as potential mothers or fathers of our children. What you're describing is narcissism, not ego. Narcissism is a in its essence a complex, while ego is in its essence our self-perception protocol.
When people do things for the wrong reasons, it usually doesn't work out they way they intend.
@@Alexandar358 i spoke what i lived through, that's all.
Absolutely. As a pediatrician, I see this every day. We are primed for connection, and the security of that earliest attachment shapes the landscape of our subconscious.
When I learned that the subconscious mind has no sense of time, the disconcerting memories are not as painful as they once were.
@@patriciatoth7715 So true. The mind does all kinds of tricky things to protect itself, but the separation/suppression can sometimes obstruct healing.
@@AskDoctorAmy Since when does everything get healed? Lol... My comment was based. Said by a doctor, like you. Rather than dismiss it as a mind trick, its valid.
@@patriciatoth7715 you can do EMDR therapy, tapping, breathing exercises. Releases painful memories in our subconscious and trapped in our bodies. I also enjoy spirituality to help heal myself, and psychedelics. I don’t see how the Doctor’s comments invalidated what you said but I want to let you know you can heal, and it can make you stronger than you ever thought you could be
I always wondered, as a child .. and now still that I’m 25.. but can outsiders and health professionals tell when a child is detached from / afraid of their parent? Even if the parent keeps up a real friendly act for the public?
The saddest part of this situation is to make others aware, those who received all that love and attention to see through and empathise with pain emotionally neglected children underwent. People with stable families never get it.
To the person who is struggling with shame and self hate, no one who grew up in a toxic situation escapes unharmed or free from the guilt of contributing to that toxicity in some way. You may judge yourself harshly, but you are not alone in this. It is far more common than you may realize. The only thing you should not do is perpetuate the toxicity. If you are here reading this, you are almost certainly looking for a better way. That is enough; you are enough. Progress may not come as fast as you want; forward is enough.
To the kind person who wrote this lovely message : Thank you ☺️
Adult Humans are very disappointing and largely inept. Don't trust anyone. They will ALWAYS LET YOU DOWN.
@@1unsung971 The world rarely changes when you want it to, but it will change. And, it will change almost instantly. One moment it is so hot and so humid that it is hard to breathe. You can barely move because your clothes stick to you. Everyone around you is agitated by their own misery making them quick to anger creating a self feeding monster. You are hopeless. It is hard to imagine how life can survive such misery. It is hard to imagine why it should. Without warning and in a moment, the skies open with rain that breathes new life. The air is lighter and cooler. The birds appear from their hiding places to celebrate. Everyone around you is suddenly in a good mood. When one is going through hell, hell is all that can be seen and all that can be imagined. Keep going; there is more, better ... ahead somewhere, maybe not soon but ahead. There are amazing people who are critical to your growth and progress in life. People not only worth trusting, but people whose very existence will change you, your perspective, your situation, how you contextualize your burdens, how to view yourself. You can't force this on people; there will just be people who can't help but move you forward if you are willing to grow, to show kindness, to show up for the things you value. It cannot always be night.
@@jonbastion8727 Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to respond. I hope you are is a good space. My misanthropy keeps me safe .
@@jonbastion8727great smile
And this is why I have spent my almost 50 years battling horrible feelings of self-hate and crap self esteem. I’m working on it. I have finally realized I am not trash, it was them.
*I forgive everyone who has harmed me in this life or in any other life that I have lived. I forgive them and release them and let them go. AND I forgive myself for anyone I have harmed in this life or in any other life in any way at all. I forgive, release it and let it go* ♥️
I feel the same, it's not our fault, I have so many issues
Yes
And no matter how much therapy, counselling, you receive, or how much medication you swallow, the self hate never leaves your soul.
You’re absolutely correct, and I’m deeply sorry you had horrible parents, too. My daughter thinks therapy will make me “get over” how abusive my parents were/are after 53 years. It doesn’t work that way, does it?
Cognitive therapy doesn't do much. But things like Hypnotherapy, trauma release exercises and breath meditations do help tremendously.
@@denisek292 absolutely not.
How bad do you want it to leave? How bad do you want it to be better? How bad do you want to correct the void?
@@SandiaDelaval-ib5ky I don’t know if you’re mocking those in this thread, or trying to be helpful? Everyone of us, who had nightmare childhoods, wish we could wave a magic wand making the hellish physical, mental and emotional abuse scars go away, but no matter what we do, it will never happen! In fact, I’m an only child. My mother told me she would have aborted me if it had been legal in ’70. I have secondary progressive MS, my parents live only 15 miles away and won’t allow me to live w/ them because “I don’t fit their lifestyle.” That’s exactly what they told my daughter. I put myself through college, but developed this awful disease, that stole my career from me when I was 30. I can barely walk, can’t drive, wear adult diapers, fall, you name it. There is nothing that can fill this void, except Xanax and sleeping 24/7 to keep from crying nonstop. I’lI be homeless soon, no lie. They are wealthy, too. I love the Lord, but I do ask Him a lot, why He gave me awful parents, along w/ MS. God only knows what hell these poor, unfortunate souls experienced, as well. But my point is to paint you a picture of what so-called “parents” can do a child that lasts a lifetime.
I was destroyed by my mother. As a girl she hated the fact that I was female like her. She loved my younger brother the golden child. She became jealous when I turned out to be 6inches taller than her, looked like my father’s family and was 20kilos less in weight. I still struggle with the effects of her hate, I relapse into using substances as a way to kill the pain. I do try to love myself but the emotional deprivation was too great . Sometimes I have peace. I loathe her, always did. Saw through her from an early age.
You are a valuable person with a meaningful life. I hope you are one day able to stop the substances. When you're ready to quit, please seek help such as AA, NA, counseling, etc. Sending you a big hug.❤
I feel you, I had a jealous mother and I am absolutely disgusted by her behavior.
My mother was also jealous and controlling. She made it clear she hated me, I was her only daughter. She would tell me how she wished I'd been a boy & that I was messed up & no one would ever want me.
I realised later in life that she was describing herself, not me.
She was only happy when she made me miserable. Nothing was ever good enough for her.
I cut contact with her 24 years ago.
It was the best thing I ever did.
If your parents are treating you like this, you have every right to cut them out of your life.
@@sunshine9122 You say that as if the drugs are the source of her problems... Sometimes drugs (including illicit ones) are actually a valuable coping mechanism. They don't solve people's problems, but they do offer temporary relief which is often what people need to get through tough times. The most important thing for her to focus on is sorting out the family issues that causes her suffering, not to take away the drugs that provide her with relief.
*I forgive everyone who has harmed me in this life or in any other life that I have lived. I forgive them and release them and let them go. AND I forgive myself for anyone I have harmed in this life or in any other life in any way at all. I forgive, release it and let it go* ♥️
This is very true when your parents abuse you as a child you blame yourself then abuse yourself by being in abusive relationships
A million times this
Yes and omg lts so hard to leave and walk away.
@@Ezequiel55vf it's a mission
@@Ezequiel55vf sure it is when you're being blackmailed
Or avoiding them all together because you were told you're unlovable
My grandmother was an incredibly cold person to her children, she made sure they were fed and clothed, but barely showed any affection or even celebrated their achievements. All her 4 children tried to break this cycle, but in some capacity every one of them failed and either became substance-abuser, drastically shortening their lifespan, or didn’t love their own offspring enough.
My mum was charmed incredibly by me while I was an infant and a little toddler, but after we moved house a few times and our life difficulties compounded, I was basically left on my own since 5 years old and during most of my school years. Now I want to break this cycle the second time around and hope I can do my best to love my own children dearly and fully
As a child I often felt neglected and not able to receive love. As if there was something wrong with me. All those times I was manipulated by a narcissist. This led to self-hatred and disconnection. I am now aware of the situation in my childhood and I know I have the power within me to heal this wound. The only way to heal is to first become aware and go deep within. If you do not take care of your wounds, you will bleed onto others.
💯🎯. I was also raised by a grandiose narcissist single mother.
The Greek word for wounds is "Trauma". Luke 10:34
The feelings don’t just materialize out of nowhere. My parents knew that they were angry, lacking, aloof and they chose to put the blame on my shoulders like the cowards they are. They projected the shame onto me that their parents put on them because they didn’t want to face what I’m facing now- choosing self responsibility as parent I get to suffer again while I struggle to break the cycle I never chose.
I remember always having a sneaking suspicion that something was wrong as a kid, although I couldn't figure out why. I remember talking about it to adults around me (including therapists) and everyone would seemingly dismiss my feelings and either tell me that I was exaggerating things or that my parents loved me very much and I just have to try harder. My parents never laid a hand on me either, which made it so much harder to prove both to myself and others that they were the problem. 10 years ago, I more or less ran away from home because I felt like I wouldn't survive much longer if I stayed where I was. I've gotten so much crap for doing that, not just from my mother but from others as well who have labeled me selfish and kept insisting that my parents love me very much and I just have to try harder. A couple of years later, I stumbled across a video here on TH-cam about maternal narcissistic abuse and suddenly everything fell into place. I still remember that moment of realization just as clearly as if it happened yesterday. It was like someone had lifted a mountain off of my shoulders. I just cried for hours. I'm still working on my recovery, but there is no way I would have been where I am today if I hadn't have stumbled across that video and learned that it wasn't my fault. It makes me incredibly sad to think that there are others that go their whole lives never learning this lesson.
Idk why but everytime I watch videos like this, I feel guilty for admitting that I felt neglected during my childhood but deep down I know my parents went to so much hardship and they tried their best, still it can't be denied that if they gave me more love, I would be able to love myself and love others now.
Yeah I feel the same way too. It's like battling with love and hate towards my parents.....But I know deep down love always wins because I can't really put all the blame to them. They are after all victims of generational trauma.
Feel the exact same way. They did the best they could with what they knew, and if they knew that invalidating my emotions would harm me so greatly, it probably would have never happened. Now though, I'm just picking up pieces. Trying to stop being such a ball of anxiety and insecurity.
Same, I understand my dad had his own mental health struggles and both parents had to work a lot to take care of 4 kids and I am grateful for them, but I do know that lots of the problems my siblings and I struggle with have to do with their non-affectionate and emotionally neglectful parenting. I think mom wanted to do more for us but wasn't sure how and my dad is kind of anti-doctor so didn't support her in getting us help 😕
Having their own struggles doesn't diminish the pain they inflicted on you. You can be compassionate towards their life experience and understand where their behavior comes from, but never try to justify it. Do your best to forgive them, if you can, but don't be afraid to call them our either. People should be held responsible for the things they did, especially if it caused someone pain. The tricky part is, if you try to let them walk free, the only person left there to blame is you. And you don't wanna go there.
I like what they say (or used to say) in 12 step programs about parents. "Mistakes were made, but they did the best they could."
The older I get (36) and the more I understand the more horrified I am of my own childhood. After watching this video (thank you!) the one memory I clearly remember from my early childhood, between 3-6 I guess, is a memory of pain. I remember I was standing at the front door of our appartment with my mother, ready to go out somewhere. I don't know what it was, but something upset me and I started to cry. Something us adults usually pay no attention to, but for my little self it was important. I clearly remember the thoughts I had. I couldn't stop crying, it was not the first time that it happend and I thought "please, mom, don't say it", but she did. She said, no, she yelled "STOP CRYING!". And I cryed even more, totally confused why she said it again, wondering why she did not understand that this command made me cry even more, unable to say anything. That I couldn't stop crying, because I had no idea how to stop that massive force coming out from my heart and lungs that I didn't understand why it was there in the first place.
As I said, I don't remeber the cause of it. All I do remember more than 30 years later is that painful command that made everything worse. Please, dear parents who read this, when your children cry whatever you do next, do it with love, show your love to your child. It doesn't matter if the cause is an insect sitting on their shoes, if they bumped into a door or if their favourite strawberry fell into the dirt. Show them emotionaly that you are there for them no matter what. But never, never, never, never, never, NEVER, NEVER, N E V E R yell at them and tell them to "stop crying"!! You can't extinguish a fire with gasoline.
I see this in public and I just want to look the parent in the eye and say "Did it work when your mother told YOU to just 'Stop crying'?! No, it obviously made it worse and now you're doing the same thing." Unfortunately, the sad reason that they're doing it to their own children is because they literally have no model of behavior other than their own terrible parents. And thus, the cycle continues for another generation :(
Oh you mean it stopped when your mother yelled at you to stop crying? She didn't also yell that she would give you something to cry about? And she didn't follow through with it? Come to think of it, the reason I cried at all was because she had beat me yet again. Different scenario... but the road to fear and pain began when I was just 2 weeks old. I know because she would tell people that I needed to be slapped when I was 2 weeks old because I was spoiled. It only went downhill from there.... I do have early memories. I have NEVER felt loved.
thankyou for that share, heartbreaking.
I called my mom once in tears to tell her I needed to talk about something important (I was in my 40s). She yelled, "SHIT!" in response
I was 5 years old and I already knew you don't cry in front of someone....me, a little 5 year old kid.
That’s why you have to not just love yourself, but reward yourself every day for the rest of your life for suffering in the hands of unloving parents. You now deserve all the happiness in the world for paying that price. Go for it.
This is exactly what I’m going through right now it’s gotten so bad I almost admitted myself. You feel like you don’t belong in this world when you have parents like this.
But you do being here, even though it really doesn't feel like that most of the time.
It takes such a long time to work through it.
I built a great relationship with my Dad as an adult & he knew that his parenting was really poor, even though he thought he was doing the right thing.
My mother, on the other hand refused to acknowledge she was the reason for the parental alienation towards my dad, wasn't interested in her children at all, she neglected us & beat us but told us those things never happened to us!!
I had to cut contact with her 25 years ago or I would never have recovered from the trauma.
Join a support group, speak to your friends, see a therapist. You are not alone & I promise you will get through it 🥰
i see this as a pattern within our families. my mom and her siblings weren't brought up by any other parents. they both died early. that's why they realized early on their childhood the harsh realities of the world and did carry some issues when they become parents. i saw these patterns of my uncles having many wives, my aunts became single parent after their husband left their family for another, and my mom being physically and mentally abusive to us, her children. somehow, this is what i would consider a generational curse. i promise to myself that even though i have suffered too much from my mom, i realize that she too was just a product of not having a parent to provide for. i kinda feel sorry for her tho, idk if what i feel even is empathy. i am working on forgiving her and moving out soon. once i become a mom, i promise i would work on all of my issues before having a child and i wont become like my mother so that the generational curse will finally be done. I WILL STOP IT
I wish you the very best of luck.
@@nviclash i am grateful for your kind message, sir. i also wish you good luck. ✨
@@ashantiberenice5798 thank you. I think I'll need that luck because i wanna do the same. Dealing with my own inner demons before attaching another person's life to mine.
@@nviclash 💖💖💖
That Ashanti, is the kindest and most brave thing you can do! Break the cycle, and bring balance to the world.
I believe there is still hope.
Many of the newer generations are realizing this and swearing the oath to change, to be better.
Thanks for learning and being a better person.
My parents were cold and hurtful towards me as a child. I developed depression at a very young age " around 9 " and now 20 years later I still struggle. I'm a very attractive man but I've never been able to maintain a relationship for more than a few weeks. Seeing the way my parents acted back then made me want my own family more than anything. It's literally been my only goal in life but I can't obtain it. As a result I've been addicted to opiates for the last 12 years. The feeling of ingesting a high dose of a quick acting opiate is like being wrapped in a blanket of love and studies have shown now that the opiate system is what mediates the bio chemical effects that lead to human bonding and love. Having shitty parents is legitimately the most damaging thing that can happen to someone. I'm destroying myself just to feel love and feel like I share a bond with someone and I'll likely die for that. Love your children and don't have them.
If you were raised by personality disordered parents, or sociopaths, means it wasn't your fault. It wasn't.
You're probably aware of this, but you likely would benefit and need drug rehab (whether you've done it before or not), and longer term psychotherapy from someone knowledgeable and authoritative enough, and that can form a bond with you that helps anchor you, rather than the drugs.
If you're doing those things anyway, or trying to start, congrats. If you tried them before, try again, with new people if possible, if the old ones didn't work.
Lot of work to do on yourself, before having your own family, or the pain could get passed down to your new children next.
And... you're not a better or worse person for being in a relationship, or being a parent or not. People who are pathological will try to convince you you MUST do these things, but they're wrong to do so.
Best to you, for the continuing journey. It's painful, but hope you can do it.
I believe that someday you will get clean and start a family and feel the love you deserve
*I forgive everyone who has harmed me in this life or in any other life that I have lived. I forgive them and release them and let them go. AND I forgive myself for anyone I have harmed in this life or in any other life in any way at all. I forgive, release it and let it go* ♥️
My parents worked a lot and were never home. They went as far as to have another family member move in to take care of us (put us to bed, feed us, take us to school etc) I have a really close relationship with this family member - love her like a mom. This really hit home. To this day my parents focus on the material things they gave us. All I wanted was for them to be around and show interest in me. I still feel like I am always seeking their love. I have two kids and I try my hardest to spend quality time with them and let them know they are loved. It’s a struggle to try to improve myself to make sure my kids have a good example. Watching these videos helps with my self awareness.
That's how they perceive their love by being a provider. They didn't know any better.
@@eviegirlfl Thanks Evelyn. I do realize that they showed their love with material stuff because they didn’t have that growing up ❤️
I can relate 100%, my parents are both doctors and they worked all the bloody time leaving me with old nannys or alone at an early age. In contrary to you I made these peoples life hell and scaring away one after the other, only needed to please my parents. Im 31 now and working on my own goals, recovering. Still missing focus and passion in life, but the explanation for my problem also resolved the depressive feelings. Always had all the financial support and never had any emotional, now Im learning to love myself and everything around me. Its a great journey! Wishing you all the best!
@@donmarteng7646 wishing you the best as well!
Sounds exactly like my own circumstances
"wE gAvE yOu LiFe sO yOu sHoUlD bE gRaTeFuL! wE gAvE yOu fOoD aNd ShElTeR sO yOu'Re ObLiGeD tO pAy uS bAcK!" Ah, "good" parents. Always using that to make their child do whatever they want
This, simply this
that's your damn responsibility. If that's how you think then you've never grown up - thinking that you could have just walked away from the consequence of your own action is simply the proof that you're still a selfish, angsty, young teen, who thinks the world will bow to you. That's what I think every time I hear this. Thank you for pretending to be mature? The bar is low.
@@FireTheWolf what action may I ask?
@@FireTheWolf What’s immature is expecting your kids to bow to you forever when you chose to have kids and did what a parent is supposed to do.
@@FireTheWolf I read this couple of times and can't make any sense, can you elaborate?
So, so well explained. Anyone on here that is trying to heal from childhood trauma, I am sending you lots of well wishes. You’ve got this. X
Tip for prospective parents: get a pet (dog, cat, rabbit etc) to see if you have any nurturing instincts and patience. Not everyone has those qualities and that’s ok. Being a parent is a choice not an obligation.
Ya and be a decent person and give the animal to someone who can look after it if you can’t.
they never want to have a pet coz they think it would be a burden on them just like I am.
Anyone who would be willing to take this advice would already most likely be a good parent on their own because they care enough to do better. My parent would never dare research trying to be a good parent or even do some self reflection as an adult. There’s all kinds of knowledge out there in the world and somehow it never comes to them because they’re never open to hearing it.
THIS strikes home.
This resonated with me, so deeply.
I'm an old man now, but the damage done, continues. I was unloved, as a child and I feel unloveable, still.
I'm from a time, when such things, in children, were ignored! Kids cry, if they cry a lot (Are depressed) they gave them something to really cry about!
You were strong and healthy, or you were...tolerated.
As a kid, I was neither healthy or strong...
Ah dear Jerry, I hear you.
I am sending you lots and lots of love and blessings from Australia.... and want you to know that you are a valuable irreplaceable human being who has managed to maintain his own sense of being able to be kind and intelligent enough to 'unpack' all this - to understand that what you grew up with was SO much less than you deserved.
Find and follow the things and people that / who bring you joy - don't settle, no matter what.
That is the promise I made to myself after a horrific childhood and I realised that every little decision I make is a new choice - and I keep choosing more joy... and you know what?
It works. bit by bit - like putting a few drops of water into a glass until it is full. Give yourself all the things (praise etc) that you never had - tell other people how amazing and appreciated they are... eventually, it avalanches into more and more great stuff.
You can do this - you got this :) xx
@@luciedelacy9933
Thnx
God bless you, Jerry. I'm so sorry. I'm sending you a big hug.❤
@@sunshine9122
Thank you.
I grew up, with hugs...
...but now, hugs make me uncomfortable. But the sentiment is appreciated.
Sounds a lot like my own childhood. I'm 50 now.
The best part is we are TALKING about this right now! This is the best time in the history of humankind. We are able to put these very very deep and difficult concepts into words !! Im so thankful to be present now! Seriously! And this actually enables me not only to heal myself but to be a better adult to my child ❤
My parents grew up with the idea that "Children must be seen and not heard" and then it passed on to me 😔 My feelings got ignored because they believed there's no reason why I should be crying. I misbehaved when they did that which I was then punished for. Now I hide my feelings with a desperation to be understood. I felt I needed to gain their approval & that there was something wrong with me, not them. Its like you cant blame the parents for what their parents did for what their parents did! It's like upbringing methods get passed down from generation to generation and nobody is questioning their parenting habits to break the cycle.
That’s wasn’t just your parents it was all the generations in the western world. Perhaps that’s why our culture is so cruel. Millions of people justified taking little children from their parents over border crossings.
My parents are like this too! It's a shaming cycle being passed down because we were taught not to question our parents. Our parents are oppressing us!!!
I'm absolutely breaking the cycle by not having any children myself. I can't bear the thought of doing the same things to an innocent being who didn't ask to ne here as my parents did to me.
@Charlotte I use those words as well > "breaking the cycle". Talking with my cousin over many years - between both our memories, we can see a clearer picture of our family's patterns. I'm proud of her when she can "break the pattern". Keeping Big Secrets and Controlling Information was a strong pattern in our family.
This channel is a blessing 🌻💗
🧡
Story dark tho
Indeed.
From an atheist creator of the channel and it makes a lot of sense!!! Everytime I watch one of the videos.
🧡
I grew up taking care of my twin baby siblings, they're the best. taught me a lot in life and I love them
Just right after I cried the whole night because of this topic
Stay strong! What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger !
Hey! I hope you're doing good now! Please know that you're not alone.
Stay strong! *sending virtual hugs *
Sending you a tight hug❤️
Sending you hugs 🤗. Its never too early to seek counseling also. I'm working through my years of childhood trauma.
My parents are pretty strict, so that I can cope up with the real and cruel world. But eventually my home has become a battlefeild for me and i wanna escape to the real world.
I am not having children, thank you world and my parents for this realisation, I can't stand to be a parent like them. funny thing is my father has accomplished more then any previous man in his family same with my mother, If I look at them from outsiders perspective. So many fake friends it's ridicules, but not a single real friend. More time for outsiders then you own children.
Newsflash: Have you heard about the war in the Middle East?! The "real world" is a battlefield as well! That's why 'Home Sweet Home" is so important to me, a place of safety after living with parents with whom you never knew what horrendous thing was going to happen next.
Im approaching my 40s and I have been struggling with the feeling that my life is a waste. The more I learn these sort of things, the more I am in awe of how the kind of person you become, (or DONT become) is based on your relationship with your parents.
In my culture, family is viewed as "loud" and "energetic". But in moments of clarity, I see that these kinds of descriptors are usually sugarcoating angry, impatient, inappropriate, unloving, and often vulgar ways to deal with your children. Its been difficult to come to the realization and acceptance that I am a product of child abuse, because in my culture, child rearing goes beyond a basic spanking, and its often marketed to the younger generation as your parents caring about you. And perhaps it is, but in that destructive "I care the only way I know how" way.
It's double worse when you get stuck taking care of the same people that murdered you spiritually, mentally, and emotionally when they reach their old age.
It's hard because no matter how angry you get with the world NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY is ever going to admit what they done and what they cost you. I think about it all the time, and I think about who the person I COULD have been was. But you cant talk to people about it because they say things like "let it go" which is useless and almost the emotional equivalent of telling a quadriplegic to "walk it off".
That last paragraph hit me hard.
I lament the woman i could've been if I had been given love and support. A singer, actress, biologist, stunt car driver, veterinarian. These were all things I wanted to do. I did none of them.
Being only child and raised by a single mom, who does not show affection in an open way. Clearly did affect my self-confidence not so bad as to hate myself but to feel un sufficient to receive love and true friendship. Anyway therapy has been really good for me and my healing process and I encourage anyone to at least given it a try, it has helped me to understand that my mother has her own problems to deal with.
So related! Only child here, just with both parents (but both absent, so zero parents really). I've had a no-so-healthy partner for years just because I thought that was the treatment I deserved. Luckily, I've found some good persons who showed me their friendship, and support, and help me to recover my self-confidence (+ professional therapy, of course). Reparenting is like magic, simple and clean.
What type of therapy do you recommend/have you had success with? Do you think online therapy like BetterHelp would help?
@@ZurditaDinamita Great to hear that you have had great results and have been able to nourish meaningful relationships. For me, it was a difficult time when I realized that I either start parenting myself or I would continue to live without meaning or purpose, it is difficult but the reward is priceless. Good luck with your journey.
@@pricklypear1111 my therapist and I have been using the humanistic approach, to me it has been really effective and I have been treated for a year and a half. I rather choose a presencial session just because to me it is very important to feel confident with the therapist and for me see and hear his reaction of what I am saying in valuable. But if I have to choose between be treated on line or do not receive any kind of counseling, I would choose the online session of course.
@@rogeliosantacruz3847 thank you for the info. I happy to hear that it is effective for you. I will check it out. Been putting it off for too long
I get to see this quite often in my work as a teacher. I hope people not to give up on themselves as self-love is one of the most powerful things you can have to grow as a human being. I wish people were more aware of what constitutes being family and not rush it.
Thank you, this channel, for being brave and caring enough to come straight out and say these things. Most people self-censor and avoid “going there” and acknowledging the blunt truth about bad parents. You are providing an incredible help to many formerly abused and neglected children to be able to find validation which is a crucial prerequisite of healing. Thank you for speaking truth to power.
I was raised emotional neglected and this video is so true!
Very very true
Me too.
You look beautiful. Care to be my friend
Whenever I watch your videos I have come to expect my tears just rolling uncontrollably.
Same 😭
Thank you for a very insightful video. Now that I'm a senior adult, not a day goes by that I don't hate myself and, at the core, is hating myself because I don't know who I am or who I was. I was a very angry child because I was prevented from being happy by constant, unending criticism and invasive, and without any boundaries, behaviour from my mother. I TRIED to seek help over the years, but the best a therapist saw ( in my thirties) was that I was very immature. My mother instructed my father to stop hugging me once I stared school at 5 yrs. old . Up to then, only he and his mother ( grandmother lost early) were the only ones to touch me affectionately. My mother's mother was my caregiver ( I am the oldest of three )and idolized the ground my mother walked on. EVERYONE thought I was a problem, misfit, had terrible issues, etc. Yes, I tried to commit suicide three times, over dosed, became an addict and continue to be a functioning addict who self-medicates..............WHY? Was I SO worthless? Because my (late) mother had been a doctor and, compared to her, I was worthless. Kudos to those who have been able to, at least, regain even a small sense of self-worth. I wish I had been able to!
A lot of who we are is shaped by our childhood experiences. We've evolved to cope with life, consciously or subconsciously and sometimes, our natural coping mechanisms do more harm than good. It's important to be aware of this and use it to develop healthy mindsets that'll allow us to live fulfilling lives rather than self-destructive behaviors.
I had a panic attack watching this :( Oh man this hard. I remember getting constantly grounded for crying and questioning authority and was responded that I was talking back.
You aren't alone... Sounds like my youth also. The subconscious mind has no sense of time so those creepy memories need to get kicked to the curb... no matter how hard that sounds. Took decades for me to get to that point. Love your life!
As a child of two parents who were neglected during their childhoods and was also neglected because those parents had no idea how to show love or affection this video made me realize how much good parenting matters because as I was watching this I had the realization that all the problems they listed off in the video I struggled with at some point in life and still do with some of them
After my parents died, I was given a box of stuff which contained birthday cards/mother's day cards/xmas cards etc that I had given to my mum in my childhood. So many of them had messages I'd written in them saying things like 'I'm sorry I am so hard to put up with',
'I will try to be better this year' etc. It never changed anything, nothing was ever said about them. I found it nauseating reading them, I think I destroyed them (it was over 20 years ago).
Omg that's so sad........I hope you've been seeing a therapist to help you with this.....
😭😭😭heartbreaking
I also wrote cards to my mom like that and then I stopped
100% correct. My father abandoned me when I was a baby. He would periodically return into my life for the next 35 years to commit abuses upon me until I disowned him. He is an malignant narcissist obsessed with money, power, and possessions. Took me forever to see this about him, and to see where my shame, guilt, and hatred of myself came from.
Please, if you are not 100% into raising a child you created to be a functional/happy human being then do not have children.
Finally, now that I am 65, I find the explanation. Thank you.
I remember standing in the kitchen of my first year of university, chatting with a few friends. I was by the sink. They were sitting at the two round tables by the windows. I don't remember why the topic came up, but for whatever reason, as I was washing up a cup, it hit me.
I'd been neglected.
My experience of childhood was quite fundamentally different to those around me. I find it hard to blame my parents. They lost a child when I was around 4. That morning is my earliest memory. I don't think my parents ever got the help they needed.
I remember crying when the cbeebies lunchtime jingle came on and I would have to go wake my mother so she could make food for me and my two brothers. I hated doing that. It was a constant feature of my summer holidays as a child.
When I was 11, my hair got so matted and had so much lice I ended up having to have it cut off (once the lice was under control.) I've never told anyone this. I always said my hair was short during my teens because I wanted it that way. In fact, it was because it wasn't taken care of. I didn't know how to take care of it.
I would often wear the same clothes all week because I didn't have enough clean school uniforms. Sometimes I'd lose bits, but I'd keep quiet about it because I didn't want to cause trouble. The house was a tip as well, could never have anyone over. For many years half my bed was various dirty clothes.
Obviously there were the other small things, like never getting help with homework, or being made to feel like any request was too much. I still have trouble accepting gifts, or asking for things I need. I just don't like to impose on people. I hate imposing on people.
I've been going through the SoL videos on anxiety and self hatred and I don't think anything has ever spoken to me more. I don't want to give the impression my parents were bad people. They're not. They just don't understand what they did to me.
Most if this I can relate. Especially the trying to solve problems on my own part. And the uncomfy when done a favor to or when recieving a gift.
Here's a virtual hug.
I feel suicidal because of this. My parents were never actually parents, and it’s bad, both sides of my family are like ‘this’ so I’m alone.
It’s really hard to want to be in this world when you weren’t wanted and don’t have a support system. It’s like, I never asked to be born but now I’m here and I just have to deal with it on top of having to deal with the effects of trauma, and my body being damaged by it to the point I’m no longer functional according to society’s expectations. Life hasn’t been enjoyable because most of the things that make life enjoyable isn’t taking into consideration of those who have cptsd. Of course this is my experience, there’s people who’ve gone through a shit load of trauma and still enjoy certain things about life. I’m just sharing what it’s like for me.
th-cam.com/video/4jWTM_o5hJg/w-d-xo.html
I'm glad you feel suicidal. Facing your truth will give you the foundation, first by cutting out the BS, to eventually (yeah, its a long slow slog) turn away from what ails you. This stranger would like to ask you to continue your restless, hard but necessary search for self worth. Please don't give up due to what someone else done to you. I always thought I suffered from PTSD til I learned my case was worse with the addition of C. C, imo and painful experience makes it more specific to my childhood trauma. After many lost and lonely years C was a revelation to me. It raised more questions for which I'd grown acustomed to looking into every nook and cranny, leaving no stone unturned for answers, to what I now know as my existence. I've had moments of epiphany. Now I have existentialism. For me reading and keeping a diary are just two tools that has helped me over the years to keep the dark thoughts in check. I'm at a stage now where my CPTSD, like my awlful past, is fading to be replaced by visceral feelings of the present and the future. I've surprizingly learned finally that hope is a thing. Live long and prosper.
Sorry you feel this way. Keep reading books and watching videos to strengthen your thoughts and outlook on life. Your parents made bad choices but now it is your life you are living. Make good choices to enjoy this life for yourself. Stay away from bad people to...they will just get you in serious trouble and cause more heartache.
Stay strong, make friends with good people and seek all the help you can get. As an adult, unwanted child of an alcoholic father and depressed mother I can say that it's not going to be easy, but it's worth it. You are worthy, give yourself the help and love you deserve.
@bri, I have never resonated with anyone as much as I did when I read your comment. You know what I really hate about this situation? And I no matter how much I explain what circumstances I have been under, noone else around seems to get them fully. And then they look nervous about coming up with a response about whatever they heard and they say "everything will be fine. Just hang on. you are such a strong person." And they disgust me 😅 I can feel they want to get rid of the situation and of the responsibility of being a friend to a person in this situation. 😅 and these are people I used to think of as a support system because I never got it from my family. It's like they keep repeatedly kicking me in my gut. Making me open up and then leaving me in the my most vulnerable because I am "strong and I can deal with it alone."
Sometimes it makes me jealous of people who have comparatively resolved lives. 😅
I'm sending a hug to everyone. You all deserve love.
I love how school of life dissects the mental health issues to the core
The thing with this is that it forms the basis of everything. It is so damn hard to be able to do anything, feel anything good when you are marinating in that environment all day everyday. Jobs, colleges, hangouts, everything else is secondary but when you come home to this, it is so damn hard. The energy it takes out of you is like nothing else.
And then that lack of energy translates into every relationship that you have, be it the romantic types or any other.
I try to tell my friends this but they just don't understand and think I'm being ungrateful. They don't understand what it's like to be in a constant state of discomfort in your own home.
Exactly I'm stuck. and other doesn't understand the damage it caused. they think I exaggerate or that lt's all in my head they know nothing about it. I hope soon l can leave this house and get a job. after that l will never look back. my sibling is narcissist btw they're all crazy
Life is hard enough. The small things..getting car towed, denstist canceling your apt last minute, a rude receptionist…feel so much bigger when you weren’t given a decent childhood full of love. It’s like the most basic shit in life sucks 20x worse, because my foundation in life wasn’t built with love. It truly is a nightmare being me sometimes.
We're born so pure, society ruins us!!
Golden words.
Society ruins you so you don't ruin society back, it's a hard lesson it's almost unbearable and it is for all those school shooter all those public shooters who doesn't take it well when society breaks their will. All these actions originate from people who weren't loved when they ABSOLUTELY NEEDED IT . I can't believe the solution was so simple yet invisible 😢
@@words007 very well said!
Your channel @SchoolofLife is what’s been helping me realize it’s been CPTSD all along. The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YT has been helping me overcome a lot of this.
My Mom and Dad “ boarded” me out when I was born until I was 2 years old and they came to see me and bring clothes and saw I had a large boil on my head and I was rocking back and forth moaning, mind you the lady ( Elsie) whom I was placed with was uneducated and said “ I put some bacon on it to draw it out”
she was also very southern.
Upon seeing the condition I was in they took me to the dr. Where the area was lanced and as my Mother tells it…I breathed a sigh of relief,
and took me home for good.
Now…I had/have 3 older sisters that were at home with the parents their entire life and could never get an answer as to why I had to be throw to the side? They were not poor, in fact I had everything a child could want when growing up, but Love.
My family does not hug or say “I love you” ever! and I have trouble doing either as well, but I try to break that odd stiff behavior and have done well at breaking it. I can hug friends etc..but I find it difficult to hug family. Sheesh!
Anyway, I suffered as a child with my parents choices or lack there of..I had such low self esteem ( still do,) that it was debilitating and later I took myself to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with agoraphobia at the age of 18 to get help to come out into the world…even if it was delayed. I can only attribute my lack of confidence and fear in life to their early abandonment of me or what looks like abandonment to me along with the weird, loose atmosphere in my home growing up.
I had no rules growing up, no meal time and no structure, I’m amazed I have gotten as far as I have, but I was always working to overcome my phobia’s…I do struggle incredibly everyday. My friends have said I am the only sane ione in my family….which is almost true! Lol.
Children need love, structure, attention and encouragement, it can stifle growth if ones mind if not given those basic things.we allow ideas and thoughts to creep into our minds at such young ages and they can take root!
Do not have children if you are ill equipped to offer what they will need to progress into well shaped individuals as they grow up.
Stability and love is so very vital to the young mind and a sense of being loved and belonging to a family is probably the most important!
Btw, I still suffer with agoraphobia which leads to social anxiety, its all lack of self esteem and a feeling of being “less-than” but I will never give up trying to talk myself into believing, that I’m as good as anyone else, just different!
You are as good as anyone else. Please believe it. ❤
Well now it makes sense. On my case, Having a bipolar mother is difficult and a narcissistic father is more. I truly did what was expected. But it didn't matter. I am still doing it. But this have brought me difficulties with me as an adult, I do everything by myself, I don't talk about how I feel cause it was considered a weakness in my "home".
Any parent was once a child as well and so as their parents. I don’t know if anyone would agree but this is what I realized in my journey, that we exponentially become our parents unless of course we realized that someone needs to stop the awful history; to get out of the loop.
💯
This is totally true. Someone has to go through the pain to end the loop: heal the traumas and change the future for your kids.
it is a deep empty sadness in the pit of your stomach.... the knowledge that everybody failed an innocent child that still cries alone and wonders what is wrong with them... i dont know how to pacify the little girl and convince her that it definitely was not her fault :(
Just divorced a man, self hating and emotionally crippled by a on the surface functioning but icecold mother and a bullying father. I cannot believe this video just came up 😞
My ex had a very toxic and cold mother and an abusive father. He was targeted more than the rest of his siblings and they all sort of hate him and look down on him as well. I love the guy but he really needs to look inside and figure out himself before he can have relationships.
@@brigh12 same here. I love my ex too, but I can't save him. Only he can do that.
Hang in there brother... better days are ahead
Yup I’m divorcing someone just the same . Very sad.
I wish you the best!!
This video stroke a nerve in my, it was on point. it took me years of therapy, tears and sad days and nights to notice that while I am flaw, I am not crazy, I'm not stupid. I am damaged, I was in an abusive enviroment with toxic people. And it took me a very long time to realise this, and act upon it by cutting them off my life.
My soul shatters after watching it. My dear daughter, I am so so sorry.
Amazing how this video gets released a week after my first baby is born. I swear this channel reads my mind and constantly releases things relevant to my life!
Have you had issues with self-hatred? Let us know what helped you in the comments below. If you enjoy our films and want a say on what ones we make you can now become a channel member here: th-cam.com/channels/7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog.htmljoin
I love your channel so much, and each video offers so much insight into psychology! 💜
Praying helps but it’s sometimes hard to do. But that’s when it’s needed.
Yes. Moving away from my parents. Having good friends. Proper therapy.
I've felt defective for as long as I can remember. Therapy has helped, but it's still so easy to slip back into self-hate, self-impatience, etc. Thank you for this video--it means so much.
I haven't found a cure for my self-hatred but I've turned to your channel a lot over the last few years as I fear I've become too much for my friends and family. Also, I can't afford therapy. Just one thought that I hold on to; as pathetic as I am in so many ways, at least I've never meant anyone any harm.
It took me more than 30 years to understand that it wasn't me. But now at 40 i still can't shake the self hatred
Not even thoughts or emotions are without consequences. They affect your behaviour and those around you. Be careful what you think and make an effort to overcome negative emotions for the sake of those around you
It's difficult. Especially during this time when we're having shutdown. That's correct advice 👍
"Pain that is not transformed is transferred". If we do not transform our own pain, it will be transfered on to those around us, which ends up being our children. Brene Brown introduced me to to this through her research on shame.
I'm in my 40s. I recently had a conversation with my mother where she mentioned that she always hugged and kissed us as children. I don't remember that childhood. I know that if I told her otherwise, she wouldve screamed and cried. I left it alone.
My family always did uncomfortable forced hugs when departing from visits. You know the kind - stiff, distanced, with pats on the back. There were no other hugs and never kisses. I made the mistake of saying once that I was never told I was loved. Now (after almost 60 years) it is said in an off-handed way at the end of phone conversations, and it is even more uncomfortable than the forced stiff hugs. I wish I'd never mentioned it.
My parents loved to remind me of the failure I was, literally everyday, its not even the worse thing. Abuse, violence, blaming me for their own mistakes, I dont even know why I'm writting this tbh. Curious enough, they still think everything is fine and done an amazing job just because they put food at the table or clothing. I think Im just tired, I have two child's and its incredible difficult for me not to ruin their precious innocence with my traumas constantly remind me of this things. I think I'm just tired honestly.
@mz. white - nelligan yeah I question everyday if im doing a good job and I dont even know if im doing actually something positive with them, but at least im with them, playing with them even though im tired all the time, and at least if I screw up in any way I just say that im sorry something that no one has ever done to me. Hope you do well and gain mote strength to keep going.
You are writing this because your parents never loved you enough to listen to or comfort you when you were vulnerable.
@Leonardo Moreira It is possible that your overwhelming Tiredness comes from the different roles you are managing in your life. First and foremost, being a Father - and trying to do your best for your children. But always in the background is 1) the unhealed child Leonardo, who was abused and 2) the angry, dismissed Leonardo, whose parents are unable or unwilling to acknowledge their abusive and violent behaviours as parents./ It may be a new idea for you to look at joining a support group of other men, or seeing a family therapist to gain some extra skills and understanding, and help lighten the burdens and load from your childhood. Your Tiredness may be a sign that your body can't keep going like this for much longer - and there is no shame Leonardo in getting some support. There is no law that says we have to fix everything on our Own. Although most of us stick with that technique until we fall apart from the effort !😦
There is also no harm in showing your children (perhaps when they're older) that their Dad is not a robot. He is always learning new things and growing - just like his kids 👍
@@comealongcomealong4480 thank you kath all yhe best to you 👍
@@leonardomoreira3124 Blessings as you walk your path Leonardo 🌟