Parents would say "she never gives us any trouble, she's perfectly obedient". I used to take this as a compliment. Until I grew older and realised I was obedient out of fear, not respect.
@Anne Robinson I'm 18 and I'm here to tell you, I had cruel parents. Now I am obedient to people that I don't even know out of fear and I'm breaking free kf these chains.
A while ago I've seen a drawing on reddit the parent was saying to her child "When you grow up I want you to be assertive, independent and strong willed. But while you're a kid I want you to be passive, pliable and obedient." It was posted on r/CPTSD
I once lost my favorite hair tie at a public pool when I was about 5. My parents did everything they could to find it, but they never did. I am forever grateful they really tried to understand my sadness.
I once forgotten my umbrella at school when I was 8. My mother spanked me. Next day, I brought the umbrella to home and my mother spanked me with the umbrella ...
I once broke my nose clip at the pool, at around the same age. I got yelled at, screamed at, was told it was for babies and was told I didn't really need it. I'm in my 30s, I don't swim.
I forgot my pencil at school one day and my dad and mom shouted a whole ton of shit at me to a point where I broke down crying and telling them to not say such things (but, they did). I was eventually consoled by the school security :'). Yea, that's when I realised it's truly fvcked up.
My mom has never told me she was angry at me or didnt like me when i was behaving bad she always made sure to say "i am angry at your behavior" or "i dont like what you are saying" and when i think back thats pretty special
Wow. My parents were always “I’m so angry at YOU.” I watched a video on TH-cam (obviously lol) and it showed that kids who grew up with “I’m angry with your BEHAVIOR and how you ACT” have more self esteem and kids who grew up with “I’m angry at YOU and how YOU act” have significantly less and develop more mental health issues
It’s depressing that my father delighted in humiliating us. He complained bitterly of his own childhood while abusing us. My mother never intervened and also was neglectful. It’s sad that some adult children still try to win their parent’s love but still aren’t able to see themselves as deserving of self love.
same to me expect the roles are reversed, with a neglectful father and an abusive mother who constantly complained about her own abusive childhood and belittling my siblings and my own struggles and voices. it's funny (in a morbid way) how my mother now keeps asking me what she did wrong as a parent with me and my siblings since they vocally resent her and then she starts self-deprecating to garner pity and sympathy, chanting the never ending stories from her abusive childhood, not realising her behaviour wasn't too different from her father's
@@josebach02i've experienced the same thing but with my father. im (23M) btw. As my father's father is struggling to survive, recently hospitalized (but improving I think) with dementia and heart problems, I see how true the cycle is. Speaking with my grandfather opened by eyes as he described his dad using similar "parenting" techniques to try to mold his son into what he thought a good, successful human should be. I saw myself in my grandfather's role and my dad in his. It was terrifying, honestly. These shitty behaviors are passed down, the men brainwashed into thinking that was the "right way" to do it. Even now as most of my siblings are independent, my dad grasps for any feelings of remorse or guilt we hold, trying to convince himself that we just don't see what his intentions were. I'm lucky to have 3 siblings to go to to try to make sense of all of it.
@@SkeletorOmega2I don’t know you but I’m beyond happy for you that you and your siblings have each other and that you have others who experienced the same/similar things that you can talk to about it. As sad and terrible it is that you guys had to endure that, it is good you have them. I’m 26F and my two older sibling didn’t get the same father as me in our formative years (teens) my brother and sister were teenagers when my parents split and I was in middle school and the freedoms they had allowed them an escape and unfortunately I got the brunt of my dads bad behavior and verbal abuse and it sucked for a long time because I felt I didn’t have another person who understood fully what I experienced. It must be equally as comforting as it is heartbreaking that you have siblings who get it. Here’s to being better than what we got! 🍻
I legitimately cried at the forgiveness point. When a parent can't even forgive their child for knocking over a glass of water, let alone other things, how is that child supposed to learn how to forgive itself for anything. Am I speaking from experience? Who knows...
I was raised like that. Knocking à glass of juice, get spanked or yelled at. Playing too loud, get yelled at. Laughing too much or loudly ''change the way you laugh, it's ugly, it doesn't suit you'' Now, 23, i can't forgive myself when I make a mistake at work for days and making sure nobody get angry at me or be disappointed of me. It's fucking hard
GodI remember dropping a bottle of milk and I was so scared when I heard my parents coming I scrambled to pick up the pieces and they just got angrier at me for soaking my school uniform in blood. Every tiny little thing I ever did, or things I supposedly did wrong but didn't understand, my dad would say threatening things like 'I've marked your card'. Like a permanent record or something.
To this day, age 26, I don't understand forgiving yourself. I can't even hold a job. It starts fine, but I make a little mistake here and there. The stress and self loathing of each one adds up until I'm depressed and a nervous wreck. When it gets suicidal after about 1-2 months of working that job, I have to quit. I've gone through it enough now I'm too scared to even attempt work any more. I'm so scared of failure, I rarely try new things and I'm also too scared to even try a relationship with someone. I'd probably just let them down and hurt them. I'd feel horrible.
My mom got so mad that I spilled my milk while pouring it into a cup on a really high table with no stool. She didn’t talk for days. I was 7. I also was told that if my smile was ugly, I shouldn’t smile or I should cover it with my hand. I still cover it with my hand to this day lol
Or sexual, at least in my case. Talking about Psychological and Sexual abuse are the types of abuse that people say "makes them feel uncomfortable." Yeah, well try living a day as me with all of the nightmares, flashbacks so real that I can feel what I felt during the events, etc. I could write a novel. Thank you for bringing this to light though. It really warms my heart when people actually take the time to say something and make people aware.
@@malex8650 Omfg this so true. My dad was an alcoholic and growing up was turbulent. But my mom says, "at least he never hit you" lol as if that makes it better
I had the mother described in this video, and in her declining years I had no trouble at all reversing our roles and caring for her as she had cared for me. I'm grateful to have had that chance.
Thats what's up. You're not lucky. I'm glad u guys had a normal stable loving relationship and now reversing those roles. I hope it remains that way. Big love and More Flow
I grew up in a very poor community in Brazil and my father died when I was 6. Seeing this reminds me of how wonderful my mother was, working as much as she could to pay me English courses and a private teacher because I was slow at learning. Now I am getting my degree as an Engineer. That's true love that can create better humans.
My father was a miserable alcoholic bully. I received my first beating from him when I was almost 4 years old. You are so lucky there was no man in the house to make it a living hell.
@@bonniel4325 I am really sorry for hearing this. Hope you could overcome this very traumatic event. Things might get stuck deep in us, but make an effort to love and let urself to be loved.
I'm Brazilian too, she seems like a really good mom Every time i go out i see mothers yelling with their childs or spanking them I'm being raised by overprotective parents And my mom is bipolar most of the times And that's so cool that your mother did all of this for you ❤ I learned english by myself and for free lol ( i'm not complaining tho ) but i'm bad at pronounce :/
Simpler definition: good parents are always questioning themselves if they're doing something wrong. Bad parents are always 100% sure they are doing everything right.
That's what my parents never did. They're like everyone else is wrong except them. There dicission is the final dicission. They'd never listen what we want. All they care about is there priority.
@@itsmeow.16 Ik exactly what you mean and to this day as an adult I still take every other adults word from an authority standpoint because subconsciously I feel like I can never say no or voice my opinion, I'm scared of backlash or confrontation and it's just...awful.
I remember when I was younger, a lot of parents used to joke to my parents about a rebelion phase and my parents always just kinda shrugged because I never really had one. I never felt the need to rebel. I always from day one felt respected and that my opinions mattered. Yeah, I pushed boundaries, but I never felt the need to rebel because there wasn't anything to rebel against.
@@Roswell33 Yeah. Pretty much. My mum wasn't really a judgy person and my dad was and still is the kinda guy that doesn't give a fuck. In a good way. As long as I was happy and not hurting anyone, I could do what I wanted. don't hurt anyone was a pretty easy rule to live by.
Same! For instance, my parents didn't like piercings but I wanted pierced ears, so for my 16th birthday my dad bought me a nice set of earrings for pierced ears just to show we could disagree and he would still be supportive.
my parents were both raised by strict and emotionally unavailable parents. they tried their best with me, but messed up sometimes. I remember once after I was spanked quite suddenly many times for knocking over a fishtank while running inside, my dad came into my room and gently apologized, explained that he shouldn't have reacted that way, but was frustrated and asked me not to play roughly in the house again. That strength to apologize has stuck with me to this day, and I respect authority that can admit when they are wrong.
I wish I've had this. My mother and father always thought they had it all figured out and that the way they raised me was perfect and its my fault for not assimilating their lessons.
My mother always apologized when she was too harsh with me. I like that because I learned to gently remind her of things and calmly explain, leading me to be very responsible during puberty. But it also made very quick to apologize or be ok with things when people were cruel to me. Everything has a fine line to walk.
Absolutely, but I believe fully that kids need to have a sense of their parents as a person. There needs to be a personal relationship between a parent and child. Healthily having a strong bond means in good time the child will grow to know their parent and this will help strengthen the bond. You must be a good example though, for this to work.
As a child I would go for “rides” with my Mom as she would dump all her personal problems on me. She really needed an adult friend and even a counselor, but she had me. Much of what she shared with me I shouldn’t have really been exposed to. But it has helped me be compassionate. So it comes with pros and cons. I don’t plan on dumping my problems to my kids like she did.
My father fought very hard in the divorce for custody, so much so that he lost his job and was without one for an entire year. Me and my siblings did not know this until we were much older (I don’t know how it was revealed as I am the youngest so my sister told me). He took the burden alone and even managed to take us on a vacation during that time. My father is my only respectable parent and still had to fight with all of his energy for split custody and paying a ridiculous child support fee that my mother did not use appropriately
Pro tip: Instead of using this to figure out if your were raised well, use it to be a better parent. You can't change your past, but your children's past is still the present.
Honestly, I really needed this video. I'm not on good terms with my parents, mainly my mother. I had a realization one day that a lot of who I am today is due to a distrust and hate for authority that my mother created in me. Throughout my life I've always felt that I've never been able to make choices for myself because she always enforced her own desires onto me. This realization hit me hard, so I talked to my therapist about it. After that, she kept demanding that I tell her what I talked about with him, but I refused, telling her I had a right to privacy to keep this to myself. Apparently, this was an unforgivable offence to her because she then grounded me and demanded I apologize. For wanting privacy. I fought back of course, I couldn't just stand idly by anymore, and eventually this evolved into constant fights between us. At one point I actually told her what I had talked with my therapist about, about how she has been an authoritarian ruler over my life and how that has bled into other aspects of my life, if only just to get her off my back. However, instead of understanding or at least trying to, she called me lazy to my face. She told me that if I was left to my own devices I would just sit around and play video games all day because that was the only thing I did with the limited free time I was given living with her. It was at this point that I realized she is a bad parent. Not only was she a tyrant who would insult her own child, she was too proud to admit she was wrong, or even apologize for the things she had said. For those wondering, during this time my father was a bystander who mostly stayed out of our fights, but he did give me one piece of advice, to just give up and admit I'm in the wrong because nothing I say would convince her to relent. He told me that I was just making things worse between us for no reason. Safe to say, I moved out to live on my own soon after. For those who read this comment (sorry for the rant btw), I just want you to know that you aren't alone in your struggles. Everyone in this community here is with you.
I absolutely cannot believe how much I relate here. My mother is an insane liar who has never thought she was in the wrong. I genuinely believe she believes her delusions she’s so bats**t crazy. She was a terror on my life and it took me years to realize how manipulative she was to the point I forgot how to make my own decisions. My dad ran away from any argument they ever had to his man cave to go watch football or whatever and she took out her anger on me and my sister. It was normal for us but it wasn’t until I moved out that I realized just how bad it was there. I never had a therapist but it’s not a bad idea to think about. I have some serious problems I need to address from my childhood but I just don’t know how. Edit: I’ve since cut them off mostly due to my mom and my dad says he’s sorry we couldn’t come to understanding you can’t change your mother you just have to except the way she is. And I do except her the way she is… as someone who is not a part of my life
One of the frequent traits that I’ve seen in my parents is that everytime I confront them about a certain behavior or attitude, they start complaining and saying how worst they used to got it and they start projecting all their traumas and end up ignoring or dismissing completely what I was talking about in the first place
There are some people that psychologically cannot admit they were wrong, they are usually so deep in denial that they can't stand to be confronted with the reality that they're the problem.
This happens to my niece all day long. I always try to chime in as... I WAS THERE TOO, WE HAD THE SAME PARENTS, but I'm not supposed to butt in. Wish you had an aunt that stood up for you as a kid. Even just hearing your parent being called out can boost one's self worth.
Yeah, my folks are like that. Although, it is hard to argue against them in my case because they always pull the veteran card when they want to argue. How do you combat that? Those experiences are grueling, and hardly compare to my experiences, but it still feels wrong that they use that against me.
My parents never tried their best! They said they suffered, so we must suffer. Criminal levels of physical, sexual, and mental abuse. I ended that cycle. I did want children, I was scared of perpetuating that abuse. I took parenting classes, sought women in my community who were good mothers. I broke that chain!
Good for you! I am still not married, but am watching, reading and educating myself on parenting so I can also break the cycle. I would rather be childless than make them go through what I went through.
Thats a bad advice, that's what my dad did to me. He was never allowed on the street when he was a kid, he would watch others play, while he was locked inside. He set me free to go out and do whatever I wanted, this started when I was 7 years old, turns out the street is not safe, I was abused several times, beaten, abducted, forced to commit crimes by other kids, etc. It was horrible. 😞 I wish my dad was not the adult he needed.
It's too late for me but not for my future children. I have seen so many parents not do number 8, unconditional love. You are literally brought up as if you're living your parents second life, their what could have been life or as a retirement fund.
@@-R.E.D.A.C.T.E.D- You're confusing cultural norms with psychology. This video does in fact apply to all cultures because it's based off psychology that all humans share. You're right that cultures will vary, and definitions of "bad" behavior and "good" behavior may change from society to society, but emotions and psychological well-being stays the same. It's what makes human beings human beings.
A little PSA: Just because your parents "tried their best" doesn't automatically mean you had a good childhood, and you don't owe it to them to think that you did. You can love your parents just as much while still acknowledging the mistakes they made and the traumatizing effects they may have had on you.
I wish my mom understood this honestly. As soon as I bring up the years of physical and verbal abuse all she says is "but I stopped now" like not strangling, mocking or hitting your child because they're depressed from bullying in school isn't the bare minimum. I know she tried her best but it doesn't mean her mistakes are automatically erased. I had the worst years of my life during my teen years and that's because of her, nothing can change that. It doesn't mean I don't love her, it's just that I'm acknowledging her mistakes. I hope one day she'll let go of her pride and admit she made mistakes without brushing them off because "she stopped"
I could love them if they only talked to me about why im still angry at them. Every time i bring it up, I'm either lying, over exaggerating, or looking for attention. Ive talked about it with my siblings and im certainly not making any of it up. Ive talked to a therapist and im working on moving past it. At this point, I dont even feel the need to have a real relationship with them. Just plaster on a smile and say "i love you too" so i can stay in the will.
@@AtBurgerKingWithMyBurgerQueen your mom sounds like a very prideful woman in that shes never wrong in her own mind. Do not wait for her to acknowledge her faults because you just might be waiting forever. Accept her for how she is, a woman that wont face the reality of what she has done, she probably feels some shame for what shes done and is trying to justify it in her own mind or erase it completely by saying "well i stopped." Try searching for different resources to heal. It sucks when your own mother cant acknowledge the damage she's done, but thats on her, you have to care for yourself. Maybe research how to heal the inner child on youtube? Theres a lot of great stuff out there. You could also write a letter to her and say everything you've ever wanted to say, and read it or yell it out loud in a car so no one hears you. Imagine pulling a cord out from your chest that keeps you tied to her and then rip up or burn the letter. I wouldnt give her a letter because she sounds too immature to handle it, and then might twist everything back on you, which will only hurt. Ive done the letter thing and it can be really therapeutic. I have a lot of sadness with my dad and he HAS NO CLUE ABOUT IT because he was always drunk. So you can be certain I will never hear an apology or receive any acknowledgement from him. The healing and acknowledgment of my pain had to come from me. Sometimes you may have to do it more than once. Good luck! :)
THIS. It's toxic to think that getting hit somehow "teaches you a lesson" or makes you better/stronger in some way. It's an imbalance of power and shows that the adult cannot keep their temperament in check and play it off as parenting when in reality it's trauma that they're inflicting. Yes, you could have experienced care from your parents/guardians but being subjected to any kind of abuse does not constitute love.
@@Ahbhswrzq9221yeah same , adulthood and being a parent scares me too ...I don't want anyone to suffer as much as me because of me if I ever lost control or just became bad parent or if I ever unconsciously projected my bad childhood experiences on them.
People don’t realize that you have to be very selfless, responsible, and empathetic to have a child. The point of raising a child and having a family is that you want to bring someone of your own into this world to love, to nurture, to help shape into someone better than yourself, not to continue a bloodline or to live vicariously through, or to abuse or control or fill a void, and heaven forbid to “save a relationship”
Like my dad always quotes (though I can't remember from where), "We're simply just borrowing you for a while". Parents don't _own_ children, rather, they have the most selfless duty to them. To care for them and support them and give from their own to them, just to help them grow. So until the child is old enough to be able to care for themselves, the parents are simply "borrowing" them from the future-adult-them until they are ready to live their own lives. My dad's really awesome, and has had such a positive impact on my life and in giving me safety through my mom's abuse. Meanwhile, my mom... Wanted children because _she_ wanted children. She had specific ideal images in mind that she wanted to fulfill. She decided what we wore, our hairstyles, what movies and series we watched growing up (that were never _our_ favorite, but _her_ favorites, which _she_ said to _us_ were our favorites). _She_ collected toys and children's books etc from a specific children's story series (which we were not allowed to touch!), and made us go to galleries about it dressed up as the characters, and forced us to pose so she could take pictures, _as old teenagers._ Meanwhile, the only other people there were other adults and their 4-5 year olds). Yeah, she wasn't the healthy one, lol.
@@sugoish9461 Wow...how did the two of them end up together? They seem such disparate worlds. Unless you are retroactively idealizing your father like I did - my dad was always full of "Wisdom" to give me, but he was never around, and he justified my mothers obsession with living through me and bullying me into doing what she wants so I couldn't even be sad that something abnormal was being done to me. Also, the "wisdom" he have me was mostly empty platitudes like "don't worry, it will all sort itself out, you don't have to do anything" or "why should I be sad when I can be not sad". My favorite gem he gave me after I Got divorced - "it is better for a man to have anyone waiting for him at home, even if it is someone who you will only have fights with, rather than being alone". Explains the toxicity perfectly.
Wow. This really shows me how lucky my siblings and I are. Our parents were really incredible people who raised us all well throughout our lives. I'm going to send them my love for just being awesome people right now
@@vebdaklu Hmmm... They're both musicians, and my mom has a very good ability of hiding her flaws to look okay to other outside people. My dad, meanwhile, is a workaholic, yes, so he isn't perfect. But he's seemingly always had horrible luck with his significant others. His ex-wife before my mom would beat him so he had to go to the ER often. He woke up once to her lighting his bed on fire. He has a permanent (light, thankfully, but still) vision problem from when she threw a chair at him and it hit his face and eye. She apparently stabbed him once with a knife, too?? He was just 20yo when he became a parent for the first time, together with her. He has a tendency to just endure anything and try to be understanding of the other person. And, the big deciding deal here, is that the worst of my mom's abuse happened when he wasn't at home. We kids just somehow assumed it was normal, or that he knew about it, so we didn't actually bring it up ourselves. So ridiculous how it could happen lol, looking back, but it did! When me and my sibling were old teenagers and we'd sort-of-ran-away from home with mom to go live with dad when he got back from a work trip abroad, we just talked about everything. He got so so sad for us, and angry at her for doing what she did to us, and said that he was seriously considering a divorce now. He doesn't understand empathetically everything that I'm dealing with with depression and CPTSD and anxiety, but he always tries his best and I've never doubted that he genuinely cares! He has been pretty absent though, from being a workaholic - but I also blame that on my mom, because she was the one who forced him to get an office someplace else rather than just work from home (he worked only remotely). Before she did, he always took the time to react when I interrupted him in his work to show him a drawing (he actually still has many of them saved around his work computer, even little notepad drawings I randomly made and didn't think much about!), and he always took time to, always calmly, explain and answer all of my 126328 questions of "Why? How does that work? Why?" ! But, yeah, I did only play a board game with only him and me, for the first time in my entire life, just the other day (I'm still living with him, receiving mental health treatment but I'm not capable of living a normal life atm).... He hasn't like spent a lot of time just playing or hanging out with us. But he was always there when you needed him, so I'm not really upset. Sorry that this is so long! What your dad said made me actually cringe back into myself a bit. Oof!! That is not true at all, wow! I'm sorry your dad is like that :(
Growing up I was shocked to see how nice my friends parents were. No drunkenness, no yelling, no police at the door on holidays. No punishments, no endless list of “chores “ to do. Once I had a bad grade on a report card and my father nailed it to the bedroom wall. My sister was punched and my brother and I were beaten with a belt as punishment. Both my parents were angry people. I remember being invited to a friend’s house for dinner. It was so pleasant. Then I knew for sure our family was not normal. This impacts your self esteem. I didn’t realize I was smart until I was drafted into the army and passed a test for Officer Candidate School. That changed my life.
Thank you for sharing. I remember sitting in my bedroom alone on Thanksgiving. I watched Black Beauty on an old B&W television by myself and remember feeling completely abnormal. I was YOUNG, maybe 7 years old but I knew my “family” wasn’t normal. I went all through Catholic school and was usually the only kid who didn’t come from a large “good Catholic” home. I started going to friends houses for holidays in high school. I felt so GRATEFUL to be there but terribly ashamed my own “family” didn’t want me. My brother was 10 years older but he told me that my parents had ALWAYS secluded themselves and spent all their time at home ISOLATED in the bed. My brother died of an overdose several years ago. I have NO IDEA why my parents had children to begin with. The thought of a mother being jealous of her daughter never even registered with me until adulthood. My uncles and every other family member who my mother abused until all communication stopped told me my mother was jealous of me. I didn’t believe that. A.) I Don’t think that way and I’m not a jealous person. B.) I believed I was completely worthless, what could anyone possibly by jealous of? I’ve always gotten along with my peers and teachers/superiors. People would say very kind things about me to my “mother”. I ALWAYS prayed that would make her happy and she would show me some kindness. I didn’t understand she hated me and hearing people speak highly of me ENRAGED her. When you’re a kid you believe your parents WANT to hear good things about you. How wrong I was. When I arrived at Basic Combat Training I couldn’t look people in the eye. Hell, I was so emotionally beaten down I couldn’t even look people in the face. I was underweight and couldn’t do a push-up or run worth a damn. My Drill SGT’s took an interest in me and I’ll never forget my lead DS. He called me in the office and told me he believed in me. He went on to tell me that didn’t matter unless I found a way to believe in myself. I hated myself so deeply I couldn’t fathom believing in myself. I had spent my entire life ALWAYS being the “outsider” and odd one out. My “mother” basically broke my father. They have ALWAYS stayed in their bedroom 24/7 except when my father went to work. I can’t imagine laying in bed while my child was eating thanksgiving TV dinner alone in her bedroom. I can’t imagine doing that to ANYONE. I now know I’m a decent person and am so very grateful to my DS and the army. For years I caught myself thinking “what am I doing here with these EXCELLENT soldiers?” I had to force myself to believe I was a valuable human being. I don’t believe I would be alive today if not for the army.
I think if you can look at the things your parents did and say "they did what was best for me" you can forgive them. I try to make hard decisions based on what my son will understand in the future. I know he will understand in time that sitting watching TV all day isn't good for him. Or maybe he won't. 😂
I love that word, "sometimes." Because not everyone will be able to forgive their parents, and that's fine. The idea that forgiveness is the only way to move on is strange. How ever someone moves on from their childhood is their business as long as no one gets hurt. Forgiveness is not the end all be all of healing.
I grew up in Africa, was separated from my parents at 3 coz of war... The lady I lived with used to threaten to kill me when I cried... I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally...at 29,I am relearning everything, how to eat well, to sleep well, to believe in me, to succeed etc...
I'm the son of a fatherless father, and it took me a long time to figure out how large of an effect that had on my life. My parents were and still are decent, well-meaning people, but they both come from troubled households and kinda winged it with me and my sisters. They didn't do a terrible job, but there were plenty of shortcomings in my childhood that made me a little off. Still, they were better parents than their parents, and I plan to be a better parent than my own. I think that's how the cycle should go.
Oh shit I am a motherless child. My father is a really kind hearted man so I was never abused or mistreated. He is my role model, after reading your comment I might affect my children (if I ever have any) later on in my life. God damn:/
My father was also fatherless for the most part, and he is fine for the most part. As I get older though, I find myself disliking him more and more cause frankly, he's a dick. He's a hothead that expects me to respect him for all he's done when he hasn't given me any examples of things he's done by himself. He never rises to the occasion and is perfectly content with putting minimal effort into most things, but expects to be praised for them. Meanwhile they want to send me off to college but disregard all the research I've done and even belittling what I've learned. Sometimes I see his own traits within me and I feel guilty and it keeps me on my toes to be empathetic to others
This video made me emotional. I really have amazing parents, there's no other way to put it. I'm almost 30 and I often stumble realizing that not everyone had the same fortune. Hope everyone here had the chance to realize how difficult it is / it has been for their parents, and makes the best effort in their possibilities to take the best examples and to learn from the mistakes everyone is bound to stumble upon.
Having had a pair of loving parents-or at least one good one- is a huge, hidden privilege people have .Others, to varying degrees, carry baggage they have to get over, which takes work, time, and often money, if they can even get past it at all. Society measures people on what they've achieved rather than how far they've come, not knowing how much further some people have to travel just to even like themselves d/t their upbringing. If it were a race, some people are starting a mile behind others. And those that have this biggest head start their can be in life usually have no idea.
@@Laura-kl7viI so agree with this it is a huge privilege. I feel like my narcissistic mother delayed my life and development by at least 10 years because she was constantly sabotaging me. I feel like I have so much wasted potential because of her
Seriously... how have we survived so long without even considering that parenting involves more than just tolerating the presence of a tiny person while going about your normal life?
Parenting has been far worse in the past. In fact in modern times have been much better, modern times has allowed parents to work from home, work less hours or even be in the same country. In the past 200 years as you say, parenting has been much better, indeed there has been far less tyrants in the world than once before and morals have never been higher whether you deny it or not. Such a claim like yours without proper knowledge of history is what makes the world a dangerous place.
Plankton White very true, we seem to forget how much worse it used to be. We have it so much easier so now it’s easier to focus on things to benefit are mental health rather than just trying to survive like we have for thousands of years.
"He is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time" is my mantra both with my difficult students and when my 8 month old is up all night teething or something. (Also, in response to the last one, I don't expect exactly reciprocal love, but baby grabbed my face and tried to kiss my cheek for the first time this week and I just about burst into happy tears.)
I think I understand what you mean. My kid's only 4 months old, I'm still puzzled by people asking me "is he good?". He's 4 months old, he doesn't have any concept of "good" or "bad" behaviour!
I really wanna hug my father like how i used to, i cant because i am too shy to go and do it My dad is an angel,but i feel like there is another reason i dont
The reciprocal love point is actually one I came to on my own, just by observing my parents. My kid is 4 and I tell them I love them all the time. I don’t get an I love you back every time, and that’s okay. To me, they don’t have no obligation to say anything - I know my kid loves me. It’s more important to me for THEM to hear it come from me than it is for them to say it TO me. I see my parents say I love you to my kid and when they don’t say it back, my parents repeat it. Then when they don’t say it back on the second try, my parents will say “that’s okay, I love you enough for the both of us,” which is sweet on its face, but really what they’re saying is “you don’t love me because you didn’t say it back to me when I said it to you, but that’s okay,” implying that they did something wrong. I never had that hang-up with my kid, because it was more important for my kid to know how much I love them, and IT’S OKAY if they don’t say it back. 10 minutes later they’ll come up to me and say it unprompted anyway.
@@Dopefish76 This. Saying I love you to my parents has little to no meaning. It's hard to give it meaning when I'm in more adult relationships, romantic or platonic, nowadays. In order to express love, I have to write long ass essays and go into more minute detail to feel like it has any real meaning behind it, which leads to me avoiding doing that because it's hard to write essays about the same person without getting repetitive.
I was raised by a single mom who was raised by an abusive mother and she decided to change the cycle and not to raise me and my sister with physical and psychological violence. And I'm so grateful for that, because we have an amazing relationship, she allowed me to be a weird and curious kid and still supports me a lot.
This was the best description of good parenting I've ever heard. I'm gonna come back to this regularly although I'm not a parent. I think knowing what a good parent is makes you a better person out in the world as well. Seeing the world from a child's view makes us all kinder and life much more beautiful, exciting, and worthy of living.
Fully agree. Especially because some people don't grow up due to emotional stunting and still process things like a child. Adults who are traumatized/struggling could absolutely benefit from this approach.
When people would comment what a wonderful person my daughter is (as though her Dad and I had made her wonderful) I would tell them she was born that way, my job was not to mess her up.
@@arandomperson. I don’t remember I just spent like 20 minutes trying to find the comment in my notifications. But I’m pretty sure it was pro violence against kids 😔 probably why it got removed
My father was a frustrated dummy. My mother is an overly religious nut job. My step father is a paranoid hoarder even though he's a multi-millionare. He worries about stuff worth a penny or nothing at all. And he stacks everything randomly in huge piles so if robbers ever come they can't find what they want to steal. 🙄 the problem is he and the entire family can't find anything or use anything either. I hate them all. They've been stumbling blocks for me my entire life. I might as well kill myself. Trying to overcome them has been impossible. This world is hell for me. Because I see many people get to have a free and clear mind and live lives of order rooted in reality and love. But my lot in life is misery. And I won't be attending their funeral. My step father should be buried in a garbage dump because that 's what would honor him the most. His trash and disorganized junk is more important than anything.
Good parents: Treating their child like a human with a mind, feelings and future. Bad parents: Treating their child like a product that owes them back for the parent’s simply deciding to bring them into the world
Heartwarming video ❤ Deep inside we have everything we need to be good parents but we lost the connection to ourselves and to our intuition. This planet so urgently needs less narcissism as a result of twisted childhoods.
My mother actually apologized to me for being a bad mother. I’m glad she realized how horribly she treated me. Now she changed a lot for the better and we actually have a good relationship. I just wish change came sooner.
Beware. Don't let your guard down. Terrible people do NOT change that easily and quickly. You are probably being tricked and manipulated. Once your utility is gone you will see their terrible side again.
@@lee3171 @Alex Blakney they can repent and see their flaws only when they need you or depend on you. As soon as they don't need you, they willl be back to their original self. I feel bad for innocent people like you who are deceived.
she did one time when she applyed for a job in a supermarket for me and didnt askme if i wanted to work there. i became really up set and she kept insisting i was for my own good and she didnt mean to hurt me and then she said she ont do it again. i was okay with that apology
I find this so interesting, because my mother was bipolar: she’d scream at me in her manic episodes and would come down on her depressive ones with a sobbing apology. So I was always very confused, and thought that since she apologized, her behavior was okay. Bottom line, I’m a teenager now and haven’t seen her in a while, I know a true apology means it won’t happen again.
@@thichinhphan4010 Well I suppose that's where most of it came from, and I remember her at least being on medication around then. Overall not a terrible mother, she was quite pleasant to be around at least 50 percent of the time. I hear she's going to therapy now, but I also know she says and does a lot of nasty things when she's upset (think throwing glass and saying she was going to put my brothers up for adoption in front of them and me). I'm not allowed to talk to her (for good reasons I guess), so not exactly sure how all that's going. I do miss her though. Part of me wishes that if we had to be separated, she could at least not care about me, because then I probably wouldn't care about her, then everything could be a whole lot simpler. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. I'm hoping she can get it together so we can have some sort of relationship, even if I have to wait to turn 18 to see her again.
I disagree with having to be "boring." My parents were wonderful, but they were also utterly embarrassing weirdos. (They still are, but as an adult I find it endearing rather than annoying.) However, they were also very stable. Let's not confuse stability with boredom.
Agreed. I was thinking this when the "boringness" part came on. I've seen dads get to the same level of their boys, dressing up like batman and playing games. Also mothers dressing up for tea parties with their girls. But the embarrassing parents are always funny when you're an adult looking back, it made me realize not to take life and other's opinions seriously.
I think it’s down to the kid though a lot. I know my mum in particular was too much, and was completely unable to take a back seat even when expressly asked sometimes
Right? Its such an interesting choice to go for the concept of boring when what they are describing is more akin to "Reliability" "Stability" or even "Consistency"... why would being uninteresting or tedious be desirable trait? I understand where they are getting at but I do find the fixation on the word "boring" troubling.
I think they pick the word boring, because not everybody has the imagination and creativity to be fun weirdos. I think they're trying to say that parents should not push themselves to be fun, they should just accept being themselves, even if that's "boring."
I will acknowledge that I now understand what my Dad went through as a child and how that shaped him, and that he vastly improved upon the formula he was shown. And I will also acknowledge that the formula he received was SO far off the mark that even my dad’s extensive improvements are not enough, and my childhood was still not optimal, with several large, glaring errors that negatively shaped my development. And I’ll acknowledge that my own improvements to the formula may not be enough, but I will do everything in my power to prevent that. I will give it my all. I need my kid to feel that they are loved unconditionally, valued for who they are, seen and heard, and that they owe me absolutely nothing in return for my love and care.
I’m sorry too, Jessie. We can only change our future. This is a little sad. But it’s nice to think we do have some control if we decide to parent ourselves with kindness and love. At least there’s a way.
Sad but true, it's sort of selfish of them in a way. Wanting to bring a child into the world yet not being equipped with sufficient parenting skills. It makes some of us wish we were born into different families, or better yet not born at all. I don't believe in having children myself because I'd have to ask my children for permission.
Having children is a huge responsibility. Not everyone is qualified for it . Please don't bring children to this world until you are aware of their needs and are able to raise them in a healthy way, because most of the problems of adults come from miserable childhood.
@@angrydiver_4220I really like your awareness that you are not qualified for this experience. Please do your best not to experience it accidentally or intentionally.
@@seanmoran6510First of all I will assume that you really don't know what requirements are. One of the rights of children on you before even they born, is to choose your wife/husband wisely. How’s your relationship with your spouse? Cause that will tell much about the environment the child will be raised in. Ask yourself am I ready and able to provide all that’s necessary for this child to thrive in life? Are you emotionally ready? Do you want to focus your life on protecting and providing for who will be completely dependent on you? Are you ready financially? While the material aspects are important, you must know what it involves, you need to give them love, nurturing, and most of all, your time and patience. Of course, you need to be strong and healthy yourself if you want to be able to live this experience.
If you don't care about the small things, your kids wouldn't inform you about big things. Because to them, it has always been big things, and you always dismissed them.
Oldest of nine. For all intents and purposes, I lost my parents when I was 6. Instead I got two bosses that made me their unpaid live-in nanny. Being expected to act like an adult and care for children while still being a child yourself takes a lot of mental gymnastics to get through. And after nearly 20 years of being blamed and punished for even minor mistakes I did and didn't make, it takes a toll. Especially when you're trying to balance school and/or a job. I literally dropped out of college and got a job I hated just to help that woman with bills in addition to looking after my younger siblings before and after work. It still wasn't enough. So what did I get for it? A mother who thinks she still has control over me even after I moved out, a father who still thinks I should drop everything and drive an hour away just to have a meaningless conversation with him, and eight siblings who resent me for trying to be the parent I shouldn't have had to be. Of course, the rest of the family doesn't see that. As far as they know, I'm the ungrateful son that left his mother hanging once he found stable employment. But I'm ok with that. I'm over pleasing people just to keep the peace. I'd rather be disowned than miserable.
This is so true for big families. I always think how selfish these women are trying to have as many babies as possible and then making the older kids adults before their time.
@@neliaferreira9983took me awhile too. how i understand it is that the original commenter was 6 when his parents gave birth to his sibling, and stopped acting as parents to him.
That was the experience of my 2 siblings and I with our single mom. We still regularly have conversations about how crazy she was and is. Mountains out of mole hills was a regular thing. We tried for so long to teach her how to vibe and it's only now starting to take effect as I approach 30. It has taken such a toll on us and I constantly wonder where we would be if we did not have the burden of her anxieties weighing us down or a father who could offload some of her insanity.
I'm the therapist to my friends and family and I put up with it because it's the only way I've ever felt loved or appreciated. I did not realize this wasn't normal. I just kinda thought that every child's happiness depended on their usefulness to their parents...
@@stupidbluegoblin77 Look into Codependent behavior, narcissistic personality disorder and borderline behavior disorder, also scapegoats, flying monkeys The dynamics you speak of fits into a pattern of people pleasing behavior ( being there for everyone, learn to create boundaries), people will keep using you make sure they reciprocate when you need them ( even test it out, do they listen to you and care)!
my mom does that a lot T^T. she usually says to my other younger siblings "do you want me to give you a reason to cry? if we dont, we get hit and/or get grounded
@@prod.ryx_ Same... But my mom now sees that she's hurting us, so she's trying to change. And I am happy about it. It used to be horrible, when my mom still was together with my dad. Their Relationship was toxic af. She also had bad anger issues and my dad drank a lot of alkohol. He even cheated with another woman infront of me and my sister, when I was 11 and she 7 Years old. But both always loved me and still do. Now everything is alright and I never hated my parents. They are doing a lot to make us happy and they are regretting what they did to us and to eachother.
My mom would literally get angry at me for crying. If I came to her about me wanting to kill myself, she would get angry with me. I think she feels like it's her fault.
@imobsessedwithtoomanyfandomshelpme I am sorry to hear that your parents are trying to keep you from becoming self-reliant good sir. It seems they want to keep you "down", as if you still were a child. (You might be 16 years old or 25, I have no idea, if you are 16 you should still listen to them a lot) IF I were you and over 20 years old I would tell your parents it is rude of them to say that you cannot think for yourself. You are intelligent and able to think for yourself, and if they say that all your opinions come from the internet, you should tell them that saying such things is quite rude, as it insinuates that you are UNABLE to think for yourself. Secondly, (if it were my parents) I would also tell them that if you are not allowed to have your own opinions, then they are also not allowed to have them, therefore whatever they say is also not their own thoughts. What your parents are doing is a sort of basic psychological "trick" if you will, to keep you under their spell of authority. They want to still rule over you as "the big adults" (whatever that means; they might be even more flawed than you or most others lol) or whatever they imagine themselves to be, while you are the "little child/teen who knows nothing". Good luck good sir, if you put yourself in respect, they will give you respect in the end, if over a long period of time you do not feel any respect, then I recommend that you don't keep in contact with them. :)
@imobsessedwithtoomanyfandomshelpme Respect is a two-way road. Being a parent doesn't justify undermining your childs opinions. I know it pretty well, afterall my mother mocks me just because i don't do or think like her.
Eric-the-Cleric Fucking mood mate. My mother offered me her pain meds once because I told her I was suicidal. She legit, wanted me to just die right in front of her. I told a classmate this once and they said “Okay But is she beating you?” Worlds a fucked up place. I used to care about others so much. Ten year old me would’ve taken a bullet for a stranger is asked. My mom was so terrible that she made me lose faith in literally all of humanity.
For me, it's enough knowing that they simply didn't know better, they had many bad traits and they did hurt me and themselves. But really how can you blame them when they did their best and what they've known as the best? All that effort and love they put into me, i can only be grateful...
as a kid i always wondered how most kids were not getting yelled at or getting a time out when they accidentally break stuff as a kid, instead they were praised and was told it was alright. it was so weird for me
I had more of the emotional abuse thing going on. But damn. I know what living in this tiny world means and thinking that the other parents don’t do their job well enough.
@@Doctor-Stoppage Wtf I'm not as big as you but man this is exactly me I scare everybody in my house because I'm so quite walking day or night and it's from the exact same reason.
I came to have my heart broken because I’ve gone through every checklist of how my parents failed me, but as soon as the test started I remembered that I laid on the floor with my 4 year old today, we fed the fish together, she pretended to be a cat and then fell asleep in my lap while watching her favorite Tim burton movie. She got sad because she didn’t get to feed the fish their shrimp treats because I had mixed them with their flakes so I showed he she had indeed put the treats in there. As the video went on I kind of forgot about my childhood and started identifying myself with the “good parent” described in the video. I really needed that, because some days I don’t feel like I’m doing my best or I feel overwhelmed but this was a nice reminder. Thank you.
Hey just wanted to say your comment really made me cry. I grew up and still am growing up in a dysfunctional family. Ive noticed that a lot of what i do is because of my childhood experience and reading your comment has made me go into my "i wish i had a parent like that" thinking. But as read through i realized ill never have a parent like that and thats ok, cause some day i can be the better parent whod try and understand their child. Whom will love them unconditionally...
@@lovefool.99But also!!! Don't expect your child to heal you! Some parents get a boost in their healing journey when they have a child, but others do not, for any of the many different possible reasons. You can't know which category you will happen to fall in, so if you don't think you're stable enough to handle difficult situations without losing control, _please don't put a child through that._ It's unfair to hold that expectation on the children, even if meant well and not at all meant to be an expectation on _them._
It's a cycle. Broken people raise broken people, and until recently, outsiders looking in would judge damaged people as being fundamentally flawed. It still happens, but we're starting to wake up to the reality that bad behavior is really a symptom of poor development.
Only if they refuse to acknowledge their own pain and decide not to change. This reminds me of something my mother would tell me over and over , that broken people shouldn't have children, but she wasn't talking about herself she was talking about me...I was the broken one and should not have children. I am a mother now and even though its hard to be a good parent especially a lone good parent, even if you has the best childhood. I know that my mother was wrong. I almost was never going to become a mother based on these beliefs , how sad would that be to not allow yourself to heal grow and change and become a loving parent. We only raise broken children when we refuse to change.
"but we're starting to wake up to the reality" There is no WE. "bad behavior is really a symptom of poor development." Sometimes. Other times people are simply bad (selfish, narcissistic) and it would not matter their parenting.
@@thomasmaughan4798 There is a "we", it is the collective consciousness of society and each of us represents a neuron in that web. If you talk or listen to anyone, you're participating in that collective consciousness. You're like a neuron in the brain that is refusing to acknowledge that it's part of something bigger.
Finally a positive comment about parenting, I though I was out of my depths. I have fairly tolerating and loving parents that have provided me with independence and allowed my creativity even though they didn’t necessarily check a lot of these boxes.
I have a “weird kid,” and he is magical. I foster his uniqueness and hope he feels supported and understood, because I know that your types of minds are the ones that move and change our world.
My mother always encouraged my crap and thanks to her I'm confident being myself today. It's nice to see someone else who can share good memories of their parents. :) And it's unfortunate that a lot of people don't have this experience..
Same with mine, too. My mother is definitely the most inspiring, amazing, loving person I have ever met. She's the reason of me wanting to become just like her in parenting in the future. Whatever confidence and love that I feel so much rn is all because of her. I'm really really thankful that she was my mom.
My mother got me when she was 17 years old and did everything you've said. She is a truly good mother now I'm 20 and have a nice job and grown up to be a good human being and I'm so proud of her and love her so much :) that just shows you that young parents can be the perfect parents too
My parents have this philosophy that children must be treated like “adults”. I grew up wherein everything has consequences and those consequences are corporal punishment or deprivation of something I enjoy. I was about 4yrs old when I forgot to consume the milk my mom prepared for me coz I was busy watching tv I just forgot about it. She got so angry and punished me by isolating me in the room and not allowing me to eat half day. I think it was pretty unreasonable given I was only a little child back then. But then again she has this motto that I “should’ve had known better”. I have so many other bad experiences for the first 12yrs of my life and up until now those memories never left me.
Maybe that's how they were raised? Some parents do the same and some do complete opposite. Although they were cruel it's better than parents that give kids everything spoil them and those kids are the worst adults with no regard for anyone. On a side note we maybe related. My mom is a Regalado too! Castilla Spain?
I'm sorry that was your experience growing up. How would you know better if you were just a kid? I mean, I was "treated like an adult" since I was 3 in the sense I no one used "baby talk" or "babbling" with me, and if I asked stuff like "where do babies come from?" I would be given the right answer and no "stork story". My parents still knew I was a kid, so if I made a mistake, I wasn't punished and they just explained me kindly what I did wrong, like you would to a friend that did something wrong but with no ill intentions.
This comment section in understandably full of rather painful childhood stories and reflections. Even if you don't share your own, know that you have support, love and understanding from all of us strangers who came here to do same. Love and happiness to all ♥️
@@AcidiFy574 I'm complaining... my problem is that so many of us have these parental issues meaning we didn't receive the care and unconditional love every child deserves and needs. 🤷🏽♀️ yes it's a problem because it just shows how many horrible people are having kids even when they shouldn't. Mommy and daddy issues are a serious problem that often gives birth to even bigger mental illnesses. Yes its bad
allowing kids the luxury to pick their own identity is so important even if the identity is meant lovingly. i grew up as "the smart/gifted one" and began to place such expectations on myself that i would cry if i got a B in school and feel unworthy to receive christmas gifts if i felt like i wasnt meeting my potential.
I have severe ADHD, and I mean severe. I was labelled the smart, gifted one in primary school, but that label was IMMEDIATELY taken away in intermediate school when it became clear I couldn't keep up with it. And thus I was labelled the failure, or the one who "Just needs to apply himself", and because I did extraordinarily well on tests and exams but never turned in essays or homework, I was called lazy. I never graduated high school. The only reason I'm fairly well-adjusted nowadays is that getting on the correct medication helped me in university. My parents never took me to a psychiatrist. I had to do that myself.
@@gothicGumshoe dude, i REAAAALLLYYY feel you, just like you, as soon as i entered intermediate school that same label was tanken away from me and i startes taking medication for the ADHD that i feel that drained all my energy so i became the "lazy one", but i did finished highschool (i did stoped taking the meds not log after i asked for them to be removed). still to this day i am labeled as lazy even tho i work harder than anyone on my family (because of their fault i had left univerity) and even without a tittle i make more than my father, and he is a medic . . .
Physical abuse isn't love, you can't claim to love someone that you hurt. It's likely that person simply doesn't know how to love. You have no responsibility to teach them or let them "practice" on you. None of it has anything to do with you or how immensely lovable you are and deserve to be treated. 💖
In my country it’s OK to beat child but we also understand that you can beat your child but you always like your child know that you love them I mean every parent is different Some people think that it’s physical abuse while others think that is just plain punishment but if it’s like something that is consistent and you really didn’t do anything to deserve the beating Then that in my eyes is physical abuse
As a burned out gentle parent with abusive parents and baby’s fathers, this made me so happy in a dark time. Thank you for confirming that what I have fought for all these years is real. That I’m not too “passive” or “spoiling”
Not that’s it my business but do you follow any parenting models like Conscious or Mendlev (I believe that’s how you spell his name) that focus on those things
As a doula, one of the things I have learned from many of my peers and clients is that you can't spoil a child by simply being attentive and engaged. I think the definition of spoiling should specifically mention material excess and disengaged servitude. It just seems so cold to tell a parent they are caring too much about their child. That said I do hope you find some care for your burn out. You're also deserving of your own care and attention.
@@theodoram658 yknow. That's the exact issue with my mother. She feels like giving someone attention and listening to their issues is spoiling them. Always when smth on the news talks about the mental issues of children during covid, she just says "why don't we spoil them even more?" I never tell my mother anything because of it. And I don't even know if she'll have the same reaction when I tell anything of actual value.
Thanks for this 😊 This is how I raised my babies. 😊 After an extremely abusive childhood, I knew that I would always be a good parent. Children learn respect, by being shown respect. Love is the most important ingredient in a healthy human 😊
Yes. And parents never realise it. If the kids contradict with their views, it's wrong. Parents use their kids as a medium to resonate with. It's very rough and deteriorates the kids mental state that he/she does not realise till it's too late
My parents use me as their emotional trashcan. Talking about their alcoholic parents, their marriage issues, about the how messed up my brother is. This messed up my mind a lot and I still have not figured out how to solve it. Im the oldest son of my family and I always felt Im responsible cause everybody told me their problems but I couldn't do anything about them. Today its a real problem for me to if Im not as good or not as effective in solving problems as I want to. It creates a lot of hate against myself. Its all cause of the modern trend that parents want to be the friends of their kids and thus want to share everything.
@@peterfruchtig5334 If it’s done everyday, then it can be problematic. But addiction is harsh and sometimes when you’re in that generation trauma state or you need healing from your inner child, then the boundaries become blurry. Being a meditator for stuff like that comes with it’s benefits but in the end it’s mentally exhausting. If you can sit your parents down and acknowledge your past and their past, then I’ll think it’ll be for the best.
@@peterfruchtig5334 as an older brother, I wish you good luck in finding something you can direct your frustration at, just avoid doing that on your brother, it's not a good idea and I know what I'm saying.
@@abbysducky2395 This may save you some time. Something I recently realized that made a big difference. When internally confronted with the desire to communicate with them or help them or hoping they've become better, etc... I now leave their redemption up to THEM and their relationship with their guide. It's not my business or my responsibility. Yes, as a human, I have a vested interest in people around me being healthy but that only means if enough people become healthy we'd relocate the psychopaths.
And she never tried to guilt trip you for not talking to her and act like you're the bad one for breaking off the relationship as if she didn't bring this upon herself? Asking for a friend.
@@Tubeytime Every child is different but parents like these find their weaknesses. I never gave in to the guilt trip but I did give in to the fear that if I didn't bow to her then she'd abandon me; I believed she was that kind of person. Funny that I read this quote today because I'm working through this particular issue this week. Thanks man
Once I was playing outside. I fell and injured myself. I was about 9. I remember looking at my leg and the first thing I thought was: I hope mom doesn't get mad at me. I was scared and didn't want to go home so instead I went to a neighbor, she fixed me up really quick. She was so nice. Forgiveness / understanding was a real issue in my family. It still is.
It's immensely saddening how common this is. This exact feeling of fear when you get hurt, cuz your mom would totally yell at you rather than fix you up.
@imeneimi That's exactly what happened to me! A neighbour and I were on a see-saw and she thought it would be funny to jump off while I was up in the air. Well, I came crashing down and my back was injured by the handles. I couldn't walk. But the first thing I thought was, my mom's going to be angry because I will be useless to her! Then, I thought of how I wasn't going to be able to run in track and field. I tried my best to walk upright and I only told my twin sister. I really should have gone to the hospital, if it happened to any of my siblings they would have gone to get treated. But, because other past injuries where my parents never took me to the hospital, it was just engrained in me that I didn't deserve it. I didn't make it into track and field that year even though I tried my best. My little body just couldn't handle it. I had back pain for over 10 years after that.
When I broke my arm playing a sport one parent, while vocally inconveinenced by helping me, understood me bc of their past injuries. The other laughed and said they had never broken a bone, as if that is something to boast as the doc told us I needed surgery.
Same. I broke my arm when i was 7 and thought we were all going to die because my dad was so angry and driving so aggressively to the hospital. They left me overnight in a city hospital alone and didnt give a shit that i couldnt even press my call bell to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water cause my only good arm was taped from fingertips to elbow to a foam pad and iv pole. Im 30 now and will never forget how helpless i felt and how thirsty and dehydrated i was that i couldnt even cry. When the pain became intolerable i spent an hour tearing through tape with my teeth, (trying not to dislodge the iv for fear of being yelled at), just to be able to buzz for a tylenol.
i am rather clumsy, once i tripped on the chair leg that i fell and the chair also fell. The chair legs broke and my legs were injured. The first thing my mom do is yell because i broke the chair. my legs started to bleed and i just run to my room before she sees it. The next day? she is happy as clam, nothing happens, i still vividly remember, it sucks.
My mum died last year, This video helped me realise she should get as close to a perfect score as possible. Thank you so very much for this, and for giving me confidence I can do right by my baby boy.
When your parent says "I should be able to say something without you getting mad because you don't like what I have to say," you should realize that it is okay to feel upset. Because people get upset when things that they don't like are said or done. Your feelings are valid. I wish someone had told me that.
I’m in my 20’s and my dad still says ‘well I just won’t speak then because everything I say is wrong’ when he’ll never listen to why what he said upset us. So thanks for saying this because it really does feel like what I feel doesn’t matter and I should be passive even though his words have hurt me, because him being upset by my reaction is more important.
Showing emotions or crying was so hard to avoid as a child. They force you to not react like that over "small things". I feel guilty crying (getting upset) in front of them because they get angry and tell me I'm being over dramatic. Even now laughing or smiling makes me embarrassed when they can see me showing those emotions.
@@vex2x9710 yeah in my case it was always "why are YOU crying when you're the one hurting me with your misbehavior" like I was a kid and kids do stupid thing sometimes. My parents were sometimes cruel in their punishments after there was a law made where you couldn't spank your children. One time they punished me and my sister by removing everything from our room except for our beds, the furniture, and a change of clothes. Then they gave us each a bible and some water and said that we were going to be fasting and that it wouldn't kill us to fast for one day when Jesus did it for several. One time they put my brother in a chair facing the wall in the closet and shut the door. He was in there for hours and was only let out to go to the bathroom. There was a light in there but it was still hard to watch. And for years I thought the world of my parents. I mean they're my parents. And they weren't like that all the time. In fact most of the time they were pretty good parents🤷🏻♀️ but now the more and more I remember the more I feel like I got cheated out of something. And then I feel guilty cuz for the most part they were good parents. Idk. It's very confusing.
@@what_2046 Very often parents can be good at parenting in some aspects and in other aspects be very terrible. What they did was wrong and sounds very traumatizing, and it's okay to be hurt, mad, and/or have any other emotion about it. Noticing they did some things that were hurtful doesn't discredit the things they did well, and vise versa just because they did a lot of things well doesn't mean that the things they did that hurt you were any less painful. They can be good and bad parents at the same time.
My parents totally failed this test. They made home into a warzone. So here I am at the age of 32 refusing to have kids because I'm always one step from self-admitting or worse. Screw subjecting anyone to that.
You can do the things the video tell us about for yourself first. I am doing those for myself while raising a child of my own. It’s hard hard work, self knowledge every hour, to be a better parent than mine were, but it’s possible.
Raising child is hard and I am proud of you for being aware of your limits. If a person decides not to have kid because they can't handle it or fear that they might do something wrong IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM A BAD PERSON
What's truly special is when you SEE people who havent had the best parents or decent childhoods grow up to be amazing and kind parents. That's special 💚
That’s both of my parents! My mom’s parents divorced when she was very young, she was practically raised by nannies because her dad was always at work, and she did a lot of drugs. My dad’s mom died of cancer when he was also young, and his dad was very physically abusive; he was a total crackhead and dropped out high school. Both of them found Jesus as young adults and were saved by him, and they got married shortly after. Now, they’re both the best parents I could ever ask for, despite having sucky childhoods, and I can say with confidence that they love me unconditionally. God can do incredible things, even in crappy scenarios!
Only thing I disagree is the whole "oh the reward your parents get is you being a good parent" thing because I've heard something similar from my mom, even though ever since I was a child, I was adamant that I never wanted kids. I still don't. Not everyone wants kids so I don't think that should be the one thing promoted as a reward to your parents. We don't owe our parents grandkids nor should we feel pressured to.
I think my parents were close to perfect. They are long gone now but still missed and appreciated. I guess I raised my kids the same way. As soon as the little ones were old enough they were always given input into decisions and listened to. We respected their thoughts and the respect was returned. I think respect is the answer to most interaction between families and everyone else. They were taught early to be independent. I don't remember an actual argument or fight because we discussed things. If we decided something was not a good idea or not safe, they actually listened. My 3 kids grew up in a household without conflict as did I. They never got physically punished. They are well-adjusted, educated adults and we are still close. My parents were wonderful. We children (now only my brother and I are left - our sister passed away) frequently discuss how much they meant to us and the wonderful values they passed on. I am blessed.
Moral of the story: Don't get kids just because you want to have kids. Get kids because you know how responsible you have to be and you know you're ready for it. You can help your child have a good future (mental health, healthy surroundings etc) or you can destroy it. Children are human beings and should never be born to make a family "complete" or to say "I achieved something, I have kids".
The irony is people who should think like that but don't make dozens of kids and the ones who do are barely having one. Idiocracy is starting to look more and more like a documentary.
@@b00gyman1 yea that's true. I know how bad my parents failed because they weren't parents with heart but mostly because of "She's here now we have to kind of take care". It takes so so much to be a good, caring, loving and supporting parent and i know that I probably won't get any kids in this world and how everything is becoming worse and worse plus I can't imagine how hard it must be. No privacy, lots of spending money on the kids, you have to be aware what they do 24/7 especially when they are just a few weeks old and you literally have no life. I respect every parent who is willing to do this and really cares for her/his child. Sorry for the novel
Say it louder for people in the back 👏👏👏 I live in the middle east and everyone has like 4-7 kids who they can't afford to raise and no time to spend with them... They just give birth and neglect the child by throwing him/her into society without protection, and when that child grows up with tons of problems and mental health issues caused by the neglectful parents they play the victim perfectly ...
I honestly don't know how anyone can justify having children period. Considering they have the knowledge of their mortality, I think its akin to murder.
One of the biggest things i agree with is your child should never know you completely, until you are an adult. They know you are your own human but your role is their parent. Growing up my mom treated her children more as her little friends and i grew up with a lot of anxiety over things i shouldn’t have even been thinking about at such a young age.
I have anxiety because my mother had panic attacks and my dad is obsessive compulsive and bipolar. Genes right there 😂 other than that, I'm very smart and learn and understand things fast
I remember when I was quite young (around 6-7) my mom complained about something with the business and how it wasn't generating as much money as last month. She did this a lot for some reason and in my little child brain I thought we were going broke and that we don't have much money. Afterwards I became really frugal for a long time, opting to not ask for anything to my parents. I made due with my pre-existing toys and stopped asking to buy toys altogether. If I needed or wanted something for a hobby I would rummage through my belongings first to see if anything fit a similar description of the item I wanted. I learnt recently that we are quite economically stable. When they talk about money it still makes me really worried though. I also feel like the family therapist at times instead of a member of it like a dumping ground for problems, or like a trophy for success especially when my parents tell people that I am planning to pursue something in medicine. The result is I am plauged with worries of many things in life. From what I've asked and talked to with people in the same age group as me, I've gathered that they aren't worried about the same thing I am. Heck, the thought never even crossed their minds.
@@Whitechaihis so much. That said, I grew up pingponging between my well off mother and poverty level father. I never understood how much money we had. On one hand I'd have trips all over the world with my mother, on the other she'd complain how finances are tight. I though just like you that we were on the edge of bankrupcy, and could not understand why the heck would you buy a game console if you have bills to pay. Meanwhile my dad was actually poor... but he rarely ever complained about it! He's a lot more honest about his finances than my mother, where I found out hers because I had access to her income documents... I also just don't ask for help unless I absolutely need it. If it's not going to be a disaster, I'll deal with it myself. I can not eat if I can't afford it. I guess my mother kind of picked up on me almost never asking, because she sends over money periodically and repeatedly asks if I have food... and organises trips for me... mom, I'm an adult, also please stop complaining how money is tight when I know it isn't for you.
I came back to this video to realize my mom didn't get enough of parent love aside from her older sister. It make so much sense how she crave for adventures and things a child could ever asked for.
The part about allowing imaginary friends hit home with me. My child had two named Markie and Lisa. Lisa was the voice of reason while Markie was the instigator and troublemaker. One Easter I decided to make a basket for Markie as well and when my child found two and asked I told her one was for Markie. She got this weird look on her face and whispered to me. "But Mom, I'm Markie". Thank goodness Markie and Lisa both left for China soon after that.
@@dawncrime3121 then why have so many? We need to be responsible. I want children but i am too poor. I am too old now as well. But I didn't want my children to suffer over basic human needs.
If anything, I love how people in the comments have so much self-reflection. Many parents didn't/don't have that. The sheer fact that people are watching this and questioning their upbringing and wanting to be better for their children (or for themselves!) is beautiful.
I think a lot of people blame their parents for the way they turned out, but they fail to realize that our parents didn't have the tools like we do to learn what a "good parent" actually is. I for one have learned how not to be a parent based on my upbringing, and have studied psychology enough to what healthy child development looks like and will use that if I ever have kids
With me, it’s why I don’t blame boomer parents for how we as gen z, millennials, or even gen x, was raised. Because boomers as parents were just doing what was familiar to them.
i used to blame my mom for my own mental problems and all the things she did fail as a mother, but looking back, she gave an awesome childhood, way better than she her circumstances allowed her aince she had depression since my dad left her before i was even born, that's why I'm thankful for her love and all of her effort
My mother always provided me with the bare essentials (food, shelter, clothes), but as I grew older, what I needed from her emotionally was essentially absent. I didn't blame her because I knew she had her own life to deal with too, but in the same vein I still kind of resent her because she made me go through the hardest years of my life alone, essentially turning me into a people pleaser who's scared to let anyone in. Can't say much for my dad though. He somehow managed to be absent without ever leaving home. :/
How did this get 58 likes?? Thank you everybody so much for them, you're honestly too kind. I'm just glad that there are others who can kinda relate to my story, and I hope we can all find catharsis in it, and that eventually we can all move on and become stronger 💕 Edit: holy crap, two days later and the likes are skyrocketing. I'm just glad other people can relate to me, and thanks so much again for making me see that there are other people out there just like me and that I'm not alone ☺️
I started crying at number eight. I honestly didn't realise that the whole "unconditional parent love" is a real thing. My mum has always expected everything she gives us to be returned, no matter what. Even when my siblings were five. Even when we didn't want what she gave us.
My mother called me ungrateful because i was mad at a christmas gift my parents gave me. I had asked for something, and instead of either getting it or not, they gave me some bullshit knock off. I was mad because to me, i wouldve rather not have gotten anything. But the same way they told me “close isnt good enough”, apparently, hypocrisy was okay. I wouldve rather not gotten anything, and i still live like that. I dont want gifts from anyone because most people will get me whAt they think i should want, instead of what i asked for.
I wish that wouldve been the case for me. Their was a pretty big age difference between me and my brother so by the time i was in kindergarten he went off to college. That left me having to deal our moms toxicity alone. I think becuase of that i ended up becoming so mentally and emotionally unstable.
As far as my parents go. I basically rolled a 3/20 my mother abandoned and replaced me with another child when i was 8 and my father abused me and made me feel guilty for still trying to love my mother. If i ever have kids. They will never know their grandparents on my end.
My mom kicked me out at age 17, step dad and I fought. Was homeless for a year working on my TH-cam channel. Also I didn’t know my biological father🤷 never met the guy or had a convo. I’m 23 now, I push people away, I smoke, I didn’t have anxiety but now I do. Not sure why I’m writing this, I was trying to relate to the video but…
Nah you're good, many here relate to this video. You're on the right track, and it is hard, but slowly try to push less people away, keep the ones closest to you that matter the most in your eyes
Your mother seems to be more interested who’s in her bed rather than how her child is, because I have a feeling she resents and takes out on you the reminder of your dad is You! She is most likely a sick twisted person that sees you as a mistake ( she is a child) you are better and more grown up than your egg and sperm donors! Love yourself
I remember being annoyed with my mom all the time as a kid, but telling myself that these things were normal. After going through this checklist, I can better understand that while she wasn't an abusive or cruel parent, she wasn't a great one either. I always grew up being told that "I need to cut her some slack" and "she's doing her best", and while I did and still do understand that, I also need a mother like this video talks about. Someone steady and reliable. Not someone that I felt that I had to support. Not someone I felt that I had to take care of, that I had to be there for.
look up parentification that's what it sounds like happened to you. I actually recommend the wiki article as they reference all the peer reviewed studies regarding parentification.
@@JustBuyTheWaywardsRealms I sometimes feel that many times, my eldest daughter had to help me far more than she should have. She helped raise her younger siblings. I developed an autoimmune disease when she was 12. I was in the hospital so often, I lived there and home. My babies never knew when I'd be able to attend special events or birthdays or if I'd be able to see them at all for long periods of time. Yet, I have been so fortunate that they all understood and supported me and I them. We have a very close bond now. My disease is in remission and my children grown but we all live in the same small community and see each other daily. I agree that being the support for a parent is very hard and can lead to a deep feeling of loss and regret, as you've missed something necessary for growth; a childhood. However, sometimes we just play with the hand we're dealt but let those around us know what's in our heart. Most times we really do the very best we can with what we have and hope those depending on us understand.
Agreed, mine loved me so much growing up she put in a lot of time and care into raising us but looking back I think that she wanted me to support her and her mothering. In my 30/s I still feel driven to make my Mother happy even if it means I will be unhappy, it’s difficult to set boundaries with your parents if you never were given the space to make them without guilt
@@puny_God I'm self reliant to a fault, & always calculating my next move for my survival. Trust, & connection, are alien concepts. The only time someone claims to "care," or "love you," you can rest assured, it's because they are trying to manipulate you into getting them whatever it is they desire. No one is sincere in their motives, & nothing is freely given. There is ALWAYS a price to be paid.
And here my parents are telling everyone that they raised me well because they raised me to be like a doll and only do whatever the command when they commanded it. My mom legit said that she would take a 3 hour nap sometimes and strictly would tell me not to move from the couch and she’d find me sitting without having moved an inch still watching tv, not having changed the channel or having gotten up to get anything. I swear the only reason I’m different from them and didn’t turn out being insane is because my grandma would help raise me when my parents were working for year and years of my life. I love her more than anyone else in the world and I visit her all the time.
#5 Clinginess is so spot on. As a child my mother let me be as independent or dependent as I wanted to be on her. I never had to question her love or is she would there we I needed. She never dismissed or belittled me when I was “clingier” than normal. She saw it as a symptom of something else, not a flaw. My father, on the other hand, was very “buck up”, “rub some dirt in it”, “I didn’t raise you to be weak” kind of guy. My siblings and I tell him nothing. We know his love is conditional. When we behave as he wants us to? Praise. When we don’t? Woof. Now, in his fifties with grown children, he’s always in his feels about all three of his kids preferring our mother over him and it’s because he never made us feel “safe” about needing help, being scared, or just wanting be physically close to your caregiver for comfort.
I feel the way you feel about your mom about my dad, and the way you feel about your dad about my mom. My mom being nice to me is completely dependent on if I’m acting how she wants me to. If I don’t she sent me to the loony bin.
I’d cut him some slack. Chances are he really didn’t know any better from his childhood. I used to think my dad was such a dick for many things. I later came to understand my grandfather was hell lot worse and that in his limited knowledge, my father tried to do much better with the cards he was dealt.
@@danielcristianescobar8157 Yeah that's what I was thinking. I'm not sure about OP's history with their father so I'm not trying to make any assumptions, but their father is human just like anyone else, and if I were in their shoes, I would try to treat my father better than he treated me and forgive him for the mistakes he made earlier in my life.
I wish I could have some of that nice relationship with one of your parents but I have felt unsafe with both Im sorry you had to go through that situation when they start to blame you for using "unnecessary" favoritism even though they're usually the ones who used it the most. Is frustating but we will reach the peace to just live happy
This video should be part of a basic, “so you’re going to be a parent” Package parents-to-be are issued. As a single parent who’s had to learn with the help of a therapist exactly how to be a good parent, this is an amazing summary of many of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn about what a parent is supposed to act like. There is one very important thing I feel you overlooked: Repair. When the parent DOES scare or intimidate or instill terror within their child, they must learn to repair the damage done. That means going to see the child, ask them if they would like to talk. If so, begin apologizing sincerely & directly explaining what mommy or daddy did was wrong. Ask them how it made them feel. And so on. Repair is an overlooked step. Even Gabor Mate does this! Anyway truly great content. Love the channel.
@@Ikbeneengeit Of course that there's hope for you, don't say that. You could start by distancing yourself from your father. And if you have childs, try to remember everything your father did that you didn't liked, and, just completely avoid doing it.
Parents would say "she never gives us any trouble, she's perfectly obedient". I used to take this as a compliment. Until I grew older and realised I was obedient out of fear, not respect.
This!! Everytime i see a calm obedient child, I always assume something must be wrong and most of the time there is.
Me too, and it's not good.
@Anne Robinson I'm 18 and I'm here to tell you, I had cruel parents. Now I am obedient to people that I don't even know out of fear and I'm breaking free kf these chains.
I was the same way
A while ago I've seen a drawing on reddit the parent was saying to her child "When you grow up I want you to be assertive, independent and strong willed. But while you're a kid I want you to be passive, pliable and obedient." It was posted on r/CPTSD
I once lost my favorite hair tie at a public pool when I was about 5. My parents did everything they could to find it, but they never did. I am forever grateful they really tried to understand my sadness.
Lucky…
Brian Reagan had a point when comparing a dropped balloon to a lost wallet.
I once forgotten my umbrella at school when I was 8. My mother spanked me. Next day, I brought the umbrella to home and my mother spanked me with the umbrella ...
I once broke my nose clip at the pool, at around the same age.
I got yelled at, screamed at, was told it was for babies and was told I didn't really need it.
I'm in my 30s, I don't swim.
I forgot my pencil at school one day and my dad and mom shouted a whole ton of shit at me to a point where I broke down crying and telling them to not say such things (but, they did). I was eventually consoled by the school security :'). Yea, that's when I realised it's truly fvcked up.
My mom has never told me she was angry at me or didnt like me when i was behaving bad she always made sure to say "i am angry at your behavior" or "i dont like what you are saying" and when i think back thats pretty special
Wow. My parents were always “I’m so angry at YOU.” I watched a video on TH-cam (obviously lol) and it showed that kids who grew up with “I’m angry with your BEHAVIOR and how you ACT” have more self esteem and kids who grew up with “I’m angry at YOU and how YOU act” have significantly less and develop more mental health issues
@Mary's Mother ew, you're describing my mother
@DarthShuaider DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE ABOUT RACE NOWADAYS GOSH
i’m so happy for you! i wish my mom did that :’) she usually directed the blame at me
@DarthShuaider
So, non-whites make bad parents?
It’s depressing that my father delighted in humiliating us. He complained bitterly of his own childhood while abusing us. My mother never intervened and also was neglectful. It’s sad that some adult children still try to win their parent’s love but still aren’t able to see themselves as deserving of self love.
My parents are the exact same way... i.. honestly don't even love them anymore... I'm not living, I'm surviving.
Are u me bro?
same to me expect the roles are reversed, with a neglectful father and an abusive mother who constantly complained about her own abusive childhood and belittling my siblings and my own struggles and voices.
it's funny (in a morbid way) how my mother now keeps asking me what she did wrong as a parent with me and my siblings since they vocally resent her and then she starts self-deprecating to garner pity and sympathy, chanting the never ending stories from her abusive childhood, not realising her behaviour wasn't too different from her father's
@@josebach02i've experienced the same thing but with my father. im (23M) btw. As my father's father is struggling to survive, recently hospitalized (but improving I think) with dementia and heart problems, I see how true the cycle is. Speaking with my grandfather opened by eyes as he described his dad using similar "parenting" techniques to try to mold his son into what he thought a good, successful human should be. I saw myself in my grandfather's role and my dad in his. It was terrifying, honestly. These shitty behaviors are passed down, the men brainwashed into thinking that was the "right way" to do it. Even now as most of my siblings are independent, my dad grasps for any feelings of remorse or guilt we hold, trying to convince himself that we just don't see what his intentions were. I'm lucky to have 3 siblings to go to to try to make sense of all of it.
@@SkeletorOmega2I don’t know you but I’m beyond happy for you that you and your siblings have each other and that you have others who experienced the same/similar things that you can talk to about it. As sad and terrible it is that you guys had to endure that, it is good you have them. I’m 26F and my two older sibling didn’t get the same father as me in our formative years (teens) my brother and sister were teenagers when my parents split and I was in middle school and the freedoms they had allowed them an escape and unfortunately I got the brunt of my dads bad behavior and verbal abuse and it sucked for a long time because I felt I didn’t have another person who understood fully what I experienced. It must be equally as comforting as it is heartbreaking that you have siblings who get it. Here’s to being better than what we got! 🍻
After seeing this video and reviewing my childhood, I have concluded that Tarzan was lucky to have been raised by apes.
LOL!
This one killed me.
😂😂😂
Return to monke
man that hit harder than my mom
I legitimately cried at the forgiveness point. When a parent can't even forgive their child for knocking over a glass of water, let alone other things, how is that child supposed to learn how to forgive itself for anything. Am I speaking from experience? Who knows...
I was raised like that. Knocking à glass of juice, get spanked or yelled at. Playing too loud, get yelled at. Laughing too much or loudly ''change the way you laugh, it's ugly, it doesn't suit you''
Now, 23, i can't forgive myself when I make a mistake at work for days and making sure nobody get angry at me or be disappointed of me. It's fucking hard
Same for me, here, I ended up doing everything that shadow in the wall did
GodI remember dropping a bottle of milk and I was so scared when I heard my parents coming I scrambled to pick up the pieces and they just got angrier at me for soaking my school uniform in blood. Every tiny little thing I ever did, or things I supposedly did wrong but didn't understand, my dad would say threatening things like 'I've marked your card'. Like a permanent record or something.
To this day, age 26, I don't understand forgiving yourself. I can't even hold a job. It starts fine, but I make a little mistake here and there. The stress and self loathing of each one adds up until I'm depressed and a nervous wreck. When it gets suicidal after about 1-2 months of working that job, I have to quit. I've gone through it enough now I'm too scared to even attempt work any more.
I'm so scared of failure, I rarely try new things and I'm also too scared to even try a relationship with someone. I'd probably just let them down and hurt them. I'd feel horrible.
My mom got so mad that I spilled my milk while pouring it into a cup on a really high table with no stool. She didn’t talk for days. I was 7. I also was told that if my smile was ugly, I shouldn’t smile or I should cover it with my hand. I still cover it with my hand to this day lol
It’s nice to find a comment section that understands that trauma doesn’t always mean physical abuse. It’s far more commonly psychological.
And a lil truck load of physical
Or sexual, at least in my case. Talking about Psychological and Sexual abuse are the types of abuse that people say "makes them feel uncomfortable." Yeah, well try living a day as me with all of the nightmares, flashbacks so real that I can feel what I felt during the events, etc. I could write a novel. Thank you for bringing this to light though. It really warms my heart when people actually take the time to say something and make people aware.
Or emotional...
Yep… so many parents think they’re great parents for not physically abusing their kids but mentally destroy them
@@malex8650 Omfg this so true. My dad was an alcoholic and growing up was turbulent. But my mom says, "at least he never hit you" lol as if that makes it better
I had the mother described in this video, and in her declining years I had no trouble at all reversing our roles and caring for her as she had cared for me. I'm grateful to have had that chance.
Goals 👍
you lucky
Lucky 💫
Thats what's up. You're not lucky. I'm glad u guys had a normal stable loving relationship and now reversing those roles. I hope it remains that way. Big love and More Flow
I grew up in a very poor community in Brazil and my father died when I was 6. Seeing this reminds me of how wonderful my mother was, working as much as she could to pay me English courses and a private teacher because I was slow at learning. Now I am getting my degree as an Engineer. That's true love that can create better humans.
She sounds amazing 💜
My father was a miserable alcoholic bully. I received my first beating from him when I was almost 4 years old. You are so lucky there was no man in the house to make it a living hell.
@@bonniel4325 I am really sorry for hearing this. Hope you could overcome this very traumatic event. Things might get stuck deep in us, but make an effort to love and let urself to be loved.
@@Maik55732 Thank you for your kind words. Blessings to you and your mom.
I'm Brazilian too, she seems like a really good mom
Every time i go out i see mothers yelling with their childs or spanking them
I'm being raised by overprotective parents
And my mom is bipolar most of the times
And that's so cool that your mother did all of this for you ❤
I learned english by myself and for free lol ( i'm not complaining tho ) but i'm bad at pronounce :/
Simpler definition: good parents are always questioning themselves if they're doing something wrong. Bad parents are always 100% sure they are doing everything right.
Whoa, this hits hard.
That's what my parents never did. They're like everyone else is wrong except them. There dicission is the final dicission. They'd never listen what we want. All they care about is there priority.
@@itsmeow.16 Ik exactly what you mean and to this day as an adult I still take every other adults word from an authority standpoint because subconsciously I feel like I can never say no or voice my opinion, I'm scared of backlash or confrontation and it's just...awful.
Deep
@@itsmeow.16 same
I remember when I was younger, a lot of parents used to joke to my parents about a rebelion phase and my parents always just kinda shrugged because I never really had one. I never felt the need to rebel. I always from day one felt respected and that my opinions mattered. Yeah, I pushed boundaries, but I never felt the need to rebel because there wasn't anything to rebel against.
Lucky…
there are a few times I bend the rules but for the most part I don't feel the need to rebel
@@Roswell33
Yeah. Pretty much. My mum wasn't really a judgy person and my dad was and still is the kinda guy that doesn't give a fuck. In a good way. As long as I was happy and not hurting anyone, I could do what I wanted. don't hurt anyone was a pretty easy rule to live by.
Thank your lucky stars, I'm glad for you
Same! For instance, my parents didn't like piercings but I wanted pierced ears, so for my 16th birthday my dad bought me a nice set of earrings for pierced ears just to show we could disagree and he would still be supportive.
My parents always tried to raise me in a way that will benefit them. I understood that as soon as I turned 22.
Same...
They're always greedy and wants me to earn earlier and bring all the money and comfort for they
They say we owe u
my parents were both raised by strict and emotionally unavailable parents. they tried their best with me, but messed up sometimes. I remember once after I was spanked quite suddenly many times for knocking over a fishtank while running inside, my dad came into my room and gently apologized, explained that he shouldn't have reacted that way, but was frustrated and asked me not to play roughly in the house again. That strength to apologize has stuck with me to this day, and I respect authority that can admit when they are wrong.
"Strength to apologize" amazing indeed
I wish I've had this. My mother and father always thought they had it all figured out and that the way they raised me was perfect and its my fault for not assimilating their lessons.
@Squatting Croat why does this feel so relatable
It shows everyone makes mistakes and doesn't put the pressure of being a perfect person on people
My mother always apologized when she was too harsh with me. I like that because I learned to gently remind her of things and calmly explain, leading me to be very responsible during puberty. But it also made very quick to apologize or be ok with things when people were cruel to me. Everything has a fine line to walk.
“It should be the privilege of every child not to have to know its parents in complete detail.”
Absolutely, but I believe fully that kids need to have a sense of their parents as a person. There needs to be a personal relationship between a parent and child. Healthily having a strong bond means in good time the child will grow to know their parent and this will help strengthen the bond. You must be a good example though, for this to work.
Don't break boundaries with your kids would have been a better way of saying that. What he stated is not entirely correct.
As a child I would go for “rides” with my Mom as she would dump all her personal problems on me.
She really needed an adult friend and even a counselor, but she had me.
Much of what she shared with me I shouldn’t have really been exposed to. But it has helped me be compassionate. So it comes with pros and cons.
I don’t plan on dumping my problems to my kids like she did.
My father fought very hard in the divorce for custody, so much so that he lost his job and was without one for an entire year. Me and my siblings did not know this until we were much older (I don’t know how it was revealed as I am the youngest so my sister told me). He took the burden alone and even managed to take us on a vacation during that time. My father is my only respectable parent and still had to fight with all of his energy for split custody and paying a ridiculous child support fee that my mother did not use appropriately
@@eb7446 omg yes! Bcz sometimes u grow up only to find out that who u considered ur role model ideally, turned out to be a pretty horrible person.
Pro tip: Instead of using this to figure out if your were raised well, use it to be a better parent. You can't change your past, but your children's past is still the present.
@@Tubeytime sure does
Well said.👏👏👏👏
This is literally why I'm here .. i want my kids to feel safe and loved :)
Well said! 👍
@@Pureblood29 you'll be a great mother!
Honestly, I really needed this video. I'm not on good terms with my parents, mainly my mother. I had a realization one day that a lot of who I am today is due to a distrust and hate for authority that my mother created in me. Throughout my life I've always felt that I've never been able to make choices for myself because she always enforced her own desires onto me. This realization hit me hard, so I talked to my therapist about it. After that, she kept demanding that I tell her what I talked about with him, but I refused, telling her I had a right to privacy to keep this to myself. Apparently, this was an unforgivable offence to her because she then grounded me and demanded I apologize. For wanting privacy. I fought back of course, I couldn't just stand idly by anymore, and eventually this evolved into constant fights between us. At one point I actually told her what I had talked with my therapist about, about how she has been an authoritarian ruler over my life and how that has bled into other aspects of my life, if only just to get her off my back. However, instead of understanding or at least trying to, she called me lazy to my face. She told me that if I was left to my own devices I would just sit around and play video games all day because that was the only thing I did with the limited free time I was given living with her. It was at this point that I realized she is a bad parent. Not only was she a tyrant who would insult her own child, she was too proud to admit she was wrong, or even apologize for the things she had said. For those wondering, during this time my father was a bystander who mostly stayed out of our fights, but he did give me one piece of advice, to just give up and admit I'm in the wrong because nothing I say would convince her to relent. He told me that I was just making things worse between us for no reason. Safe to say, I moved out to live on my own soon after.
For those who read this comment (sorry for the rant btw), I just want you to know that you aren't alone in your struggles. Everyone in this community here is with you.
I absolutely cannot believe how much I relate here. My mother is an insane liar who has never thought she was in the wrong. I genuinely believe she believes her delusions she’s so bats**t crazy. She was a terror on my life and it took me years to realize how manipulative she was to the point I forgot how to make my own decisions. My dad ran away from any argument they ever had to his man cave to go watch football or whatever and she took out her anger on me and my sister. It was normal for us but it wasn’t until I moved out that I realized just how bad it was there. I never had a therapist but it’s not a bad idea to think about. I have some serious problems I need to address from my childhood but I just don’t know how.
Edit: I’ve since cut them off mostly due to my mom and my dad says he’s sorry we couldn’t come to understanding you can’t change your mother you just have to except the way she is. And I do except her the way she is… as someone who is not a part of my life
One of the frequent traits that I’ve seen in my parents is that everytime I confront them about a certain behavior or attitude, they start complaining and saying how worst they used to got it and they start projecting all their traumas and end up ignoring or dismissing completely what I was talking about in the first place
There are some people that psychologically cannot admit they were wrong, they are usually so deep in denial that they can't stand to be confronted with the reality that they're the problem.
I can totally relate
This happens to my niece all day long. I always try to chime in as... I WAS THERE TOO, WE HAD THE SAME PARENTS, but I'm not supposed to butt in. Wish you had an aunt that stood up for you as a kid. Even just hearing your parent being called out can boost one's self worth.
Yeah, my folks are like that. Although, it is hard to argue against them in my case because they always pull the veteran card when they want to argue. How do you combat that? Those experiences are grueling, and hardly compare to my experiences, but it still feels wrong that they use that against me.
my parents would tell me it doesnt matter cuz they are my parents and adults
My parents never tried their best! They said they suffered, so we must suffer. Criminal levels of physical, sexual, and mental abuse. I ended that cycle. I did want children, I was scared of perpetuating that abuse. I took parenting classes, sought women in my community who were good mothers. I broke that chain!
Wow, you're so amazing!
I too hope to break that chain so I can have kids of my own one day
Good for you! I am still not married, but am watching, reading and educating myself on parenting so I can also break the cycle. I would rather be childless than make them go through what I went through.
thank you!! you are such a kindhearted person. we need more of you :)
ALL the praise to you for breaking the cycle and generational curse--- that is HARD WORK and I hope you are proud of this MAJOR accomplishment!! ❤️
this made me tear, good job:)
The motto I made for myself to live by is "Be the adult you needed as a kid"
I learned that from an anime. Life lessons with Uramichi-oniisan. Highly recommended. Very funny, and very heartwarming.
A lesson I learned early
Pow! Thank you for that simple wisdom. ❤
thats a good one, ill keep it with me as i grow older
Thats a bad advice, that's what my dad did to me. He was never allowed on the street when he was a kid, he would watch others play, while he was locked inside.
He set me free to go out and do whatever I wanted, this started when I was 7 years old, turns out the street is not safe, I was abused several times, beaten, abducted, forced to commit crimes by other kids, etc. It was horrible. 😞 I wish my dad was not the adult he needed.
It's too late for me but not for my future children. I have seen so many parents not do number 8, unconditional love. You are literally brought up as if you're living your parents second life, their what could have been life or as a retirement fund.
I wonder if we could ever make this kind of thing a subject we learn about at school - so the next batch of parents have some tools in their kit bag
Unfortunately not. For all the good it could do, the State shouldn't tell people how to parent. Just gets into weird territory, you know?
This is what developmental psychology covers, and it is taught in most schools.
Remember, there are nearly 4000 cultures in the world. This would not apply properly to all.
@@-R.E.D.A.C.T.E.D- You're confusing cultural norms with psychology. This video does in fact apply to all cultures because it's based off psychology that all humans share. You're right that cultures will vary, and definitions of "bad" behavior and "good" behavior may change from society to society, but emotions and psychological well-being stays the same. It's what makes human beings human beings.
Oh, we actually have a subject in Germany we can choose to learn about psychology and how to raise a child correctly :]
A little PSA: Just because your parents "tried their best" doesn't automatically mean you had a good childhood, and you don't owe it to them to think that you did. You can love your parents just as much while still acknowledging the mistakes they made and the traumatizing effects they may have had on you.
I wish my mom understood this honestly. As soon as I bring up the years of physical and verbal abuse all she says is "but I stopped now" like not strangling, mocking or hitting your child because they're depressed from bullying in school isn't the bare minimum. I know she tried her best but it doesn't mean her mistakes are automatically erased. I had the worst years of my life during my teen years and that's because of her, nothing can change that.
It doesn't mean I don't love her, it's just that I'm acknowledging her mistakes. I hope one day she'll let go of her pride and admit she made mistakes without brushing them off because "she stopped"
thank you so much
I could love them if they only talked to me about why im still angry at them. Every time i bring it up, I'm either lying, over exaggerating, or looking for attention.
Ive talked about it with my siblings and im certainly not making any of it up. Ive talked to a therapist and im working on moving past it. At this point, I dont even feel the need to have a real relationship with them. Just plaster on a smile and say "i love you too" so i can stay in the will.
@@AtBurgerKingWithMyBurgerQueen your mom sounds like a very prideful woman in that shes never wrong in her own mind. Do not wait for her to acknowledge her faults because you just might be waiting forever. Accept her for how she is, a woman that wont face the reality of what she has done, she probably feels some shame for what shes done and is trying to justify it in her own mind or erase it completely by saying "well i stopped." Try searching for different resources to heal. It sucks when your own mother cant acknowledge the damage she's done, but thats on her, you have to care for yourself. Maybe research how to heal the inner child on youtube? Theres a lot of great stuff out there. You could also write a letter to her and say everything you've ever wanted to say, and read it or yell it out loud in a car so no one hears you. Imagine pulling a cord out from your chest that keeps you tied to her and then rip up or burn the letter. I wouldnt give her a letter because she sounds too immature to handle it, and then might twist everything back on you, which will only hurt. Ive done the letter thing and it can be really therapeutic. I have a lot of sadness with my dad and he HAS NO CLUE ABOUT IT because he was always drunk. So you can be certain I will never hear an apology or receive any acknowledgement from him. The healing and acknowledgment of my pain had to come from me. Sometimes you may have to do it more than once. Good luck! :)
THIS. It's toxic to think that getting hit somehow "teaches you a lesson" or makes you better/stronger in some way. It's an imbalance of power and shows that the adult cannot keep their temperament in check and play it off as parenting when in reality it's trauma that they're inflicting. Yes, you could have experienced care from your parents/guardians but being subjected to any kind of abuse does not constitute love.
Hugs to all the abused children who made it to adulthood.
Still trying to heal and scared of being a parent don’t want to give my child other than the best
sometimes i wish i didn't
but thank you. things like this help me stay
@@Ahbhswrzq9221yeah same , adulthood and being a parent scares me too ...I don't want anyone to suffer as much as me because of me if I ever lost control or just became bad parent or if I ever unconsciously projected my bad childhood experiences on them.
Only 7 years then I get a hug AHHhHhh
Yeah all the best to fellow folks who went through it in childhood. Its affected every aspect of my life personally.
I can’t be the only one at 0:34 who thought she was about to kick it 😭😭😭
ME TOO
I think you might need this video if that’s immediately where your mind went XD
@@No-ik8kv THIS!!!!
People don’t realize that you have to be very selfless, responsible, and empathetic to have a child. The point of raising a child and having a family is that you want to bring someone of your own into this world to love, to nurture, to help shape into someone better than yourself, not to continue a bloodline or to live vicariously through, or to abuse or control or fill a void, and heaven forbid to “save a relationship”
Such a good point!
Like my dad always quotes (though I can't remember from where), "We're simply just borrowing you for a while". Parents don't _own_ children, rather, they have the most selfless duty to them. To care for them and support them and give from their own to them, just to help them grow. So until the child is old enough to be able to care for themselves, the parents are simply "borrowing" them from the future-adult-them until they are ready to live their own lives. My dad's really awesome, and has had such a positive impact on my life and in giving me safety through my mom's abuse.
Meanwhile, my mom... Wanted children because _she_ wanted children. She had specific ideal images in mind that she wanted to fulfill. She decided what we wore, our hairstyles, what movies and series we watched growing up (that were never _our_ favorite, but _her_ favorites, which _she_ said to _us_ were our favorites). _She_ collected toys and children's books etc from a specific children's story series (which we were not allowed to touch!), and made us go to galleries about it dressed up as the characters, and forced us to pose so she could take pictures, _as old teenagers._ Meanwhile, the only other people there were other adults and their 4-5 year olds). Yeah, she wasn't the healthy one, lol.
@@sugoish9461 Wow...how did the two of them end up together? They seem such disparate worlds. Unless you are retroactively idealizing your father like I did - my dad was always full of "Wisdom" to give me, but he was never around, and he justified my mothers obsession with living through me and bullying me into doing what she wants so I couldn't even be sad that something abnormal was being done to me. Also, the "wisdom" he have me was mostly empty platitudes like "don't worry, it will all sort itself out, you don't have to do anything" or "why should I be sad when I can be not sad". My favorite gem he gave me after I Got divorced - "it is better for a man to have anyone waiting for him at home, even if it is someone who you will only have fights with, rather than being alone". Explains the toxicity perfectly.
Wow. This really shows me how lucky my siblings and I are. Our parents were really incredible people who raised us all well throughout our lives.
I'm going to send them my love for just being awesome people right now
@@vebdaklu Hmmm... They're both musicians, and my mom has a very good ability of hiding her flaws to look okay to other outside people. My dad, meanwhile, is a workaholic, yes, so he isn't perfect. But he's seemingly always had horrible luck with his significant others. His ex-wife before my mom would beat him so he had to go to the ER often. He woke up once to her lighting his bed on fire. He has a permanent (light, thankfully, but still) vision problem from when she threw a chair at him and it hit his face and eye. She apparently stabbed him once with a knife, too?? He was just 20yo when he became a parent for the first time, together with her.
He has a tendency to just endure anything and try to be understanding of the other person. And, the big deciding deal here, is that the worst of my mom's abuse happened when he wasn't at home. We kids just somehow assumed it was normal, or that he knew about it, so we didn't actually bring it up ourselves. So ridiculous how it could happen lol, looking back, but it did! When me and my sibling were old teenagers and we'd sort-of-ran-away from home with mom to go live with dad when he got back from a work trip abroad, we just talked about everything. He got so so sad for us, and angry at her for doing what she did to us, and said that he was seriously considering a divorce now.
He doesn't understand empathetically everything that I'm dealing with with depression and CPTSD and anxiety, but he always tries his best and I've never doubted that he genuinely cares! He has been pretty absent though, from being a workaholic - but I also blame that on my mom, because she was the one who forced him to get an office someplace else rather than just work from home (he worked only remotely). Before she did, he always took the time to react when I interrupted him in his work to show him a drawing (he actually still has many of them saved around his work computer, even little notepad drawings I randomly made and didn't think much about!), and he always took time to, always calmly, explain and answer all of my 126328 questions of "Why? How does that work? Why?" !
But, yeah, I did only play a board game with only him and me, for the first time in my entire life, just the other day (I'm still living with him, receiving mental health treatment but I'm not capable of living a normal life atm).... He hasn't like spent a lot of time just playing or hanging out with us. But he was always there when you needed him, so I'm not really upset.
Sorry that this is so long! What your dad said made me actually cringe back into myself a bit. Oof!! That is not true at all, wow! I'm sorry your dad is like that :(
Growing up I was shocked to see how nice my friends parents were. No drunkenness, no yelling, no police at the door on holidays. No punishments, no endless list of “chores “ to do.
Once I had a bad grade on a report card and my father nailed it to the bedroom wall. My sister was punched and my brother and I were beaten with a belt as punishment. Both my parents were angry people. I remember being invited to a friend’s house for dinner. It was so pleasant. Then I knew for sure our family was not normal.
This impacts your self esteem. I didn’t realize I was smart until I was drafted into the army and passed a test for Officer Candidate School. That changed my life.
Damn, you sure are brave
Thank you for your service sir, and I hope you are doing well
I'm glad (hopefully) this treatment didn't take a toll on your health...
im proud of you stranger
Thank you for sharing.
I remember sitting in my bedroom alone on Thanksgiving.
I watched Black Beauty on an old B&W television by myself and remember feeling completely abnormal.
I was YOUNG, maybe 7 years old but I knew my “family” wasn’t normal.
I went all through Catholic school and was usually the only kid who didn’t come from a large “good Catholic” home.
I started going to friends houses for holidays in high school.
I felt so GRATEFUL to be there but terribly ashamed my own “family” didn’t want me.
My brother was 10 years older but he told me that my parents had ALWAYS secluded themselves and spent all their time at home ISOLATED in the bed.
My brother died of an overdose several years ago.
I have NO IDEA why my parents had children to begin with.
The thought of a mother being jealous of her daughter never even registered with me until adulthood.
My uncles and every other family member who my mother abused until all communication stopped told me my mother was jealous of me.
I didn’t believe that.
A.) I Don’t think that way and I’m not a jealous person.
B.) I believed I was completely worthless, what could anyone possibly by jealous of?
I’ve always gotten along with my peers and teachers/superiors.
People would say very kind things about me to my “mother”.
I ALWAYS prayed that would
make her happy and she would show me some kindness.
I didn’t understand she hated me and hearing people speak highly of me ENRAGED her.
When you’re a kid you believe your parents WANT to hear good things about you.
How wrong I was.
When I arrived at Basic Combat Training I couldn’t look people in the eye.
Hell, I was so emotionally beaten down I couldn’t even look people in the face.
I was underweight and couldn’t do a push-up or run worth a damn.
My Drill SGT’s took an interest in me and I’ll never forget my lead DS.
He called me in the office and told me he believed in me.
He went on to tell me that didn’t matter unless I found a way to believe in myself.
I hated myself so deeply I couldn’t fathom believing in myself.
I had spent my entire life ALWAYS being the “outsider” and odd one out.
My “mother” basically broke my father.
They have ALWAYS stayed in their bedroom 24/7 except when my father went to work.
I can’t imagine laying in bed while my child was eating thanksgiving TV dinner alone in her bedroom.
I can’t imagine doing that to ANYONE.
I now know I’m a decent person and am so very grateful to my DS and the army.
For years I caught myself thinking “what am I doing here with these EXCELLENT soldiers?”
I had to force myself to believe I was a valuable human being.
I don’t believe I would be alive today if not for the army.
“Parents can only love on their own level of awareness” is a therapeutic line.
Is "reptilian" a level of awareness? Asking for a mom and stepdad.
Where was this
I also tried to find it
it’s not in the video I just mentioned it
@@crayonziigood line!
I stopped talking to my parents about my problems at age 7. My friend has a kid that age and I cannot believe that I made that decision so young.
You were a smart kid. I only realized this decision at 22.
“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” -Oscar Wilde
I think if you can look at the things your parents did and say "they did what was best for me" you can forgive them. I try to make hard decisions based on what my son will understand in the future. I know he will understand in time that sitting watching TV all day isn't good for him. Or maybe he won't. 😂
Wow.
Word
I indeed had to forgive mine. The universe knows I had to...
I love that word, "sometimes." Because not everyone will be able to forgive their parents, and that's fine. The idea that forgiveness is the only way to move on is strange. How ever someone moves on from their childhood is their business as long as no one gets hurt. Forgiveness is not the end all be all of healing.
Moral of the story: Be better parents than yours.
Amen!
@42 jade that is also a viable option
Hard to do that when you realize how amazing your parents are
My parents were better than their parents, but still failed 7 or 8 of these tests. Sometimes better than your parents is still very, very bad.
THIS is the best comment of them all.
I grew up in Africa, was separated from my parents at 3 coz of war... The lady I lived with used to threaten to kill me when I cried... I was abused sexually, physically, emotionally...at 29,I am relearning everything, how to eat well, to sleep well, to believe in me, to succeed etc...
You're doing great sweetie. I'm proud of you, you'll achieve amazing things. Never give up. ❤
@@ab-vn8bm ooooohhh.. thank you! When I hear such positive comments, full of love, it energise me.... Love you 😘
You're so strong....I wish I had your strength......Proud of you ❤
I'm so sorry, hope everything is getting better for you, I really do.
You can do this!
My parents gave me unconditional love, an excellent education, and a warm safe place to grow up!
Congrats 🖤
Same!
I read this somewhere once -
Everyone deserves parents
But not everyone deserves children
TRUEEEE
high_on_youtube , There ought to be an intelligence and thoughtfulness test at the very least!
@g7dmother •}:{• ill edit it ty
Every child deserves parents but not all parents deserve children
The vast majority don't. Look at the level of child abuse in the USA. And they call themselves a country of family values. What a joke.
Me: slowly realizing that my entire childhood was actually filled with traumatizing experiences that I thought were normal.
But normal isn't going to pay the therapist's bills...
Same
Sighhhh same
It's weird how it's almost more painful knowing that other people had it better, than just how crap I had it. Does that make sense?
BINGO!
I'm the son of a fatherless father, and it took me a long time to figure out how large of an effect that had on my life. My parents were and still are decent, well-meaning people, but they both come from troubled households and kinda winged it with me and my sisters. They didn't do a terrible job, but there were plenty of shortcomings in my childhood that made me a little off. Still, they were better parents than their parents, and I plan to be a better parent than my own. I think that's how the cycle should go.
Oh shit I am a motherless child. My father is a really kind hearted man so I was never abused or mistreated. He is my role model, after reading your comment I might affect my children (if I ever have any) later on in my life. God damn:/
That’s a good outlook to have. I forget sometimes that my grandfather was a poor lunatic gambling addict with 6 children and verbal abuse was rampant.
My father was also fatherless for the most part, and he is fine for the most part. As I get older though, I find myself disliking him more and more cause frankly, he's a dick. He's a hothead that expects me to respect him for all he's done when he hasn't given me any examples of things he's done by himself. He never rises to the occasion and is perfectly content with putting minimal effort into most things, but expects to be praised for them. Meanwhile they want to send me off to college but disregard all the research I've done and even belittling what I've learned. Sometimes I see his own traits within me and I feel guilty and it keeps me on my toes to be empathetic to others
Even if they didn’t do the best job, they raised an intelligent human being. Props!
you are the timothy to saiman
This video made me emotional. I really have amazing parents, there's no other way to put it. I'm almost 30 and I often stumble realizing that not everyone had the same fortune. Hope everyone here had the chance to realize how difficult it is / it has been for their parents, and makes the best effort in their possibilities to take the best examples and to learn from the mistakes everyone is bound to stumble upon.
Having had a pair of loving parents-or at least one good one- is a huge, hidden privilege people have .Others, to varying degrees, carry baggage they have to get over, which takes work, time, and often money, if they can even get past it at all. Society measures people on what they've achieved rather than how far they've come, not knowing how much further some people have to travel just to even like themselves d/t their upbringing. If it were a race, some people are starting a mile behind others. And those that have this biggest head start their can be in life usually have no idea.
@@Laura-kl7viI so agree with this it is a huge privilege. I feel like my narcissistic mother delayed my life and development by at least 10 years because she was constantly sabotaging me. I feel like I have so much wasted potential because of her
Seriously... how have we survived so long without even considering that parenting involves more than just tolerating the presence of a tiny person while going about your normal life?
survive is easy, we have evolved thousand of years to be the best survivalist
to have a live on the other hand...
Because we strong warriors.
@Sanningen What do you suggest we do about it
Parenting has been far worse in the past. In fact in modern times have been much better, modern times has allowed parents to work from home, work less hours or even be in the same country. In the past 200 years as you say, parenting has been much better, indeed there has been far less tyrants in the world than once before and morals have never been higher whether you deny it or not. Such a claim like yours without proper knowledge of history is what makes the world a dangerous place.
Plankton White very true, we seem to forget how much worse it used to be. We have it so much easier so now it’s easier to focus on things to benefit are mental health rather than just trying to survive like we have for thousands of years.
"He is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time" is my mantra both with my difficult students and when my 8 month old is up all night teething or something. (Also, in response to the last one, I don't expect exactly reciprocal love, but baby grabbed my face and tried to kiss my cheek for the first time this week and I just about burst into happy tears.)
I think I understand what you mean. My kid's only 4 months old, I'm still puzzled by people asking me "is he good?". He's 4 months old, he doesn't have any concept of "good" or "bad" behaviour!
😭💕
I really wanna hug my father like how i used to, i cant because i am too shy to go and do it
My dad is an angel,but i feel like there is another reason i dont
The reciprocal love point is actually one I came to on my own, just by observing my parents. My kid is 4 and I tell them I love them all the time. I don’t get an I love you back every time, and that’s okay. To me, they don’t have no obligation to say anything - I know my kid loves me. It’s more important to me for THEM to hear it come from me than it is for them to say it TO me. I see my parents say I love you to my kid and when they don’t say it back, my parents repeat it. Then when they don’t say it back on the second try, my parents will say “that’s okay, I love you enough for the both of us,” which is sweet on its face, but really what they’re saying is “you don’t love me because you didn’t say it back to me when I said it to you, but that’s okay,” implying that they did something wrong. I never had that hang-up with my kid, because it was more important for my kid to know how much I love them, and IT’S OKAY if they don’t say it back. 10 minutes later they’ll come up to me and say it unprompted anyway.
@@Dopefish76 This. Saying I love you to my parents has little to no meaning. It's hard to give it meaning when I'm in more adult relationships, romantic or platonic, nowadays. In order to express love, I have to write long ass essays and go into more minute detail to feel like it has any real meaning behind it, which leads to me avoiding doing that because it's hard to write essays about the same person without getting repetitive.
I was raised by a single mom who was raised by an abusive mother and she decided to change the cycle and not to raise me and my sister with physical and psychological violence. And I'm so grateful for that, because we have an amazing relationship, she allowed me to be a weird and curious kid and still supports me a lot.
That's a really lovely story to hear. I aspire to change the cycle that has gone on in my family too. wishing you all the best.
This gives me hope that I'll be able to change the cycle too. You're so lucky.
Your mom sounds amazing !
I have faith again
Kudos to your mom, while my mom is enabler and she was absent through my whole childhood I don't think I'll have my own family
This was the best description of good parenting I've ever heard. I'm gonna come back to this regularly although I'm not a parent. I think knowing what a good parent is makes you a better person out in the world as well. Seeing the world from a child's view makes us all kinder and life much more beautiful, exciting, and worthy of living.
Fully agree. Especially because some people don't grow up due to emotional stunting and still process things like a child. Adults who are traumatized/struggling could absolutely benefit from this approach.
When people would comment what a wonderful person my daughter is (as though her Dad and I had made her wonderful) I would tell them she was born that way, my job was not to mess her up.
I love this :)
That's a beautiful statement 🥺
Beautiful ❤️
Way to go mama! 🤗🌺
Beautiful - thank you
this is the definition of: "All kids deserve parents but not all parents deserve kids"
@@lifeinvegas987 wtf?
@@arandomperson. I don’t remember I just spent like 20 minutes trying to find the comment in my notifications. But I’m pretty sure it was pro violence against kids 😔 probably why it got removed
My father was a frustrated dummy.
My mother is an overly religious nut job.
My step father is a paranoid hoarder even though he's a multi-millionare. He worries about stuff worth a penny or nothing at all. And he stacks everything randomly in huge piles so if robbers ever come they can't find what they want to steal. 🙄 the problem is he and the entire family can't find anything or use anything either.
I hate them all. They've been stumbling blocks for me my entire life. I might as well kill myself. Trying to overcome them has been impossible.
This world is hell for me. Because I see many people get to have a free and clear mind and live lives of order rooted in reality and love.
But my lot in life is misery.
And I won't be attending their funeral. My step father should be buried in a garbage dump because that 's what would honor him the most. His trash and disorganized junk is more important than anything.
Nobody deserves kids because procreation is unethical
Good parents: Treating their child like a human with a mind, feelings and future.
Bad parents: Treating their child like a product that owes them back for the parent’s simply deciding to bring them into the world
Bingo!
If they essentially do both, then what happens
@@insertasmartusername yyeah im in that situation...
2nd
@@insertasmartusername medium parent ig?.... Idk lol
Heartwarming video ❤ Deep inside we have everything we need to be good parents but we lost the connection to ourselves and to our intuition. This planet so urgently needs less narcissism as a result of twisted childhoods.
My mother actually apologized to me for being a bad mother. I’m glad she realized how horribly she treated me. Now she changed a lot for the better and we actually have a good relationship. I just wish change came sooner.
you are lucky. most bad parents are so self centered they can't see their flaws
Beware. Don't let your guard down. Terrible people do NOT change that easily and quickly.
You are probably being tricked and manipulated. Once your utility is gone you will see their terrible side again.
@@YtubeUserr 😦
@@lee3171 I was really just about to write that but yeah... What you said.
@@lee3171 @Alex Blakney they can repent and see their flaws only when they need you or depend on you. As soon as they don't need you, they willl be back to their original self.
I feel bad for innocent people like you who are deceived.
'im sorry you're angry'
My mother never apologized for anything she did, ever.
same... never to my dad either.
she did one time when she applyed for a job in a supermarket for me and didnt askme if i wanted to work there. i became really up set and she kept insisting i was for my own good and she didnt mean to hurt me and then she said she ont do it again. i was okay with that apology
Same.. my parents never did either 🤦🏽♀️
I find this so interesting, because my mother was bipolar: she’d scream at me in her manic episodes and would come down on her depressive ones with a sobbing apology. So I was always very confused, and thought that since she apologized, her behavior was okay. Bottom line, I’m a teenager now and haven’t seen her in a while, I know a true apology means it won’t happen again.
@@thichinhphan4010 Well I suppose that's where most of it came from, and I remember her at least being on medication around then. Overall not a terrible mother, she was quite pleasant to be around at least 50 percent of the time. I hear she's going to therapy now, but I also know she says and does a lot of nasty things when she's upset (think throwing glass and saying she was going to put my brothers up for adoption in front of them and me). I'm not allowed to talk to her (for good reasons I guess), so not exactly sure how all that's going. I do miss her though. Part of me wishes that if we had to be separated, she could at least not care about me, because then I probably wouldn't care about her, then everything could be a whole lot simpler. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. I'm hoping she can get it together so we can have some sort of relationship, even if I have to wait to turn 18 to see her again.
I disagree with having to be "boring." My parents were wonderful, but they were also utterly embarrassing weirdos. (They still are, but as an adult I find it endearing rather than annoying.) However, they were also very stable. Let's not confuse stability with boredom.
Agreed. I was thinking this when the "boringness" part came on. I've seen dads get to the same level of their boys, dressing up like batman and playing games. Also mothers dressing up for tea parties with their girls. But the embarrassing parents are always funny when you're an adult looking back, it made me realize not to take life and other's opinions seriously.
I think it’s down to the kid though a lot. I know my mum in particular was too much, and was completely unable to take a back seat even when expressly asked sometimes
Right? Its such an interesting choice to go for the concept of boring when what they are describing is more akin to "Reliability" "Stability" or even "Consistency"... why would being uninteresting or tedious be desirable trait? I understand where they are getting at but I do find the fixation on the word "boring" troubling.
'Parental quirks and flaws' were mentioned still but yes, calm/stability shouldn't be conflated with being boring.
I think they pick the word boring, because not everybody has the imagination and creativity to be fun weirdos.
I think they're trying to say that parents should not push themselves to be fun, they should just accept being themselves, even if that's "boring."
I will acknowledge that I now understand what my Dad went through as a child and how that shaped him, and that he vastly improved upon the formula he was shown.
And I will also acknowledge that the formula he received was SO far off the mark that even my dad’s extensive improvements are not enough, and my childhood was still not optimal, with several large, glaring errors that negatively shaped my development.
And I’ll acknowledge that my own improvements to the formula may not be enough, but I will do everything in my power to prevent that. I will give it my all. I need my kid to feel that they are loved unconditionally, valued for who they are, seen and heard, and that they owe me absolutely nothing in return for my love and care.
anyone else feel sad realizing everything they missed out on and had to be their own parent :'( some people dont deserve to be parents.
I’m sorry too, Jessie. We can only change our future. This is a little sad. But it’s nice to think we do have some control if we decide to parent ourselves with kindness and love. At least there’s a way.
@@alinesemencio If that doesn't work, one can always cut to the head of the line by carving up the middle of the street.
that's the part that makes me the saddest, not that it happened, but seeing others with great parents and knowing that I'll never have it.
Yeah…😭 music raised me more than my parents did 🖤
Sad but true, it's sort of selfish of them in a way. Wanting to bring a child into the world yet not being equipped with sufficient parenting skills. It makes some of us wish we were born into different families, or better yet not born at all. I don't believe in having children myself because I'd have to ask my children for permission.
Having children is a huge responsibility. Not everyone is qualified for it . Please don't bring children to this world until you are aware of their needs and are able to raise them in a healthy way, because most of the problems of adults come from miserable childhood.
Who decides who is and isn’t a good parent.
How do you define the requirements of raising a family
@@angrydiver_4220 I really really hope you're being sarcastic
@@seanmoran6510 a nuclear family obviously. a man and a woman with multiple kids, all religious and with strong morals.
@@angrydiver_4220I really like your awareness that you are not qualified for this experience. Please do your best not to experience it accidentally or intentionally.
@@seanmoran6510First of all I will assume that you really don't know what requirements are. One of the rights of children on you before even they born, is to choose your wife/husband wisely.
How’s your relationship with your spouse? Cause that will tell much about the environment the child will be raised in.
Ask yourself am I ready and able to provide all that’s necessary for this child to thrive in life?
Are you emotionally ready?
Do you want to focus your life on protecting and providing for who will be completely dependent on you?
Are you ready financially?
While the material aspects are important, you must know what it involves, you need to give them love, nurturing, and most of all, your time and patience. Of course, you need to be strong and healthy yourself if you want to be able to live this experience.
If you don't care about the small things, your kids wouldn't inform you about big things. Because to them, it has always been big things, and you always dismissed them.
profound
absolutely true
Such a beautiful way to put it
Explains me perfectly.
U learn to be invisable.
Oldest of nine. For all intents and purposes, I lost my parents when I was 6. Instead I got two bosses that made me their unpaid live-in nanny. Being expected to act like an adult and care for children while still being a child yourself takes a lot of mental gymnastics to get through. And after nearly 20 years of being blamed and punished for even minor mistakes I did and didn't make, it takes a toll. Especially when you're trying to balance school and/or a job. I literally dropped out of college and got a job I hated just to help that woman with bills in addition to looking after my younger siblings before and after work. It still wasn't enough.
So what did I get for it? A mother who thinks she still has control over me even after I moved out, a father who still thinks I should drop everything and drive an hour away just to have a meaningless conversation with him, and eight siblings who resent me for trying to be the parent I shouldn't have had to be.
Of course, the rest of the family doesn't see that. As far as they know, I'm the ungrateful son that left his mother hanging once he found stable employment. But I'm ok with that. I'm over pleasing people just to keep the peace. I'd rather be disowned than miserable.
This is so true for big families. I always think how selfish these women are trying to have as many babies as possible and then making the older kids adults before their time.
ohhhh , i felt those last 2 lines in my soul 🙁
I don't understand. Your parents died and you got bosses?
@@neliaferreira9983took me awhile too. how i understand it is that the original commenter was 6 when his parents gave birth to his sibling, and stopped acting as parents to him.
Number 7 is VERY IMPORTANT. Never should a son/daughter become their parents' therapist or escape
That was the experience of my 2 siblings and I with our single mom. We still regularly have conversations about how crazy she was and is. Mountains out of mole hills was a regular thing. We tried for so long to teach her how to vibe and it's only now starting to take effect as I approach 30. It has taken such a toll on us and I constantly wonder where we would be if we did not have the burden of her anxieties weighing us down or a father who could offload some of her insanity.
My mom probably needs to hear this.
@@Tubeytime This reads exactly like my life. Here's hoping things will keep getting better for both of us :)
I'm the therapist to my friends and family and I put up with it because it's the only way I've ever felt loved or appreciated. I did not realize this wasn't normal. I just kinda thought that every child's happiness depended on their usefulness to their parents...
@@stupidbluegoblin77 Look into Codependent behavior, narcissistic personality disorder and borderline behavior disorder, also scapegoats, flying monkeys The dynamics you speak of fits into a pattern of people pleasing behavior ( being there for everyone, learn to create boundaries), people will keep using you make sure they reciprocate when you need them ( even test it out, do they listen to you and care)!
"Why are you crying? I haven't done anything yet." I'm 26 years old and that shit still sticks with me
my mom does that a lot T^T. she usually says to my other younger siblings "do you want me to give you a reason to cry? if we dont, we get hit and/or get grounded
I'm so sorry
@@prod.ryx_ Same... But my mom now sees that she's hurting us, so she's trying to change. And I am happy about it.
It used to be horrible, when my mom still was together with my dad. Their Relationship was toxic af. She also had bad anger issues and my dad drank a lot of alkohol. He even cheated with another woman infront of me and my sister, when I was 11 and she 7 Years old. But both always loved me and still do. Now everything is alright and I never hated my parents. They are doing a lot to make us happy and they are regretting what they did to us and to eachother.
My mom would literally get angry at me for crying. If I came to her about me wanting to kill myself, she would get angry with me. I think she feels like it's her fault.
@@Qabim I hope your doing better now and no longer want’s to take your life
The big problem comes in when the parents fully BELIEVES they have done all of these things.
@imobsessedwithtoomanyfandomshelpme I am sorry to hear that your parents are trying to keep you from becoming self-reliant good sir. It seems they want to keep you "down", as if you still were a child. (You might be 16 years old or 25, I have no idea, if you are 16 you should still listen to them a lot) IF I were you and over 20 years old I would tell your parents it is rude of them to say that you cannot think for yourself. You are intelligent and able to think for yourself, and if they say that all your opinions come from the internet, you should tell them that saying such things is quite rude, as it insinuates that you are UNABLE to think for yourself. Secondly, (if it were my parents) I would also tell them that if you are not allowed to have your own opinions, then they are also not allowed to have them, therefore whatever they say is also not their own thoughts. What your parents are doing is a sort of basic psychological "trick" if you will, to keep you under their spell of authority. They want to still rule over you as "the big adults" (whatever that means; they might be even more flawed than you or most others lol) or whatever they imagine themselves to be, while you are the "little child/teen who knows nothing". Good luck good sir, if you put yourself in respect, they will give you respect in the end, if over a long period of time you do not feel any respect, then I recommend that you don't keep in contact with them. :)
@imobsessedwithtoomanyfandomshelpme to be honest, you probably are brainwashed at some point, we all are more or less. It depends on many factors.
@imobsessedwithtoomanyfandomshelpme
Respect is a two-way road. Being a parent doesn't justify undermining your childs opinions.
I know it pretty well, afterall my mother mocks me just because i don't do or think like her.
Exactly
Eric-the-Cleric
Fucking mood mate.
My mother offered me her pain meds once because I told her I was suicidal. She legit, wanted me to just die right in front of her. I told a classmate this once and they said “Okay But is she beating you?” Worlds a fucked up place. I used to care about others so much. Ten year old me would’ve taken a bullet for a stranger is asked. My mom was so terrible that she made me lose faith in literally all of humanity.
For me, it's enough knowing that they simply didn't know better, they had many bad traits and they did hurt me and themselves. But really how can you blame them when they did their best and what they've known as the best? All that effort and love they put into me, i can only be grateful...
as a kid i always wondered how most kids were not getting yelled at or getting a time out when they accidentally break stuff as a kid, instead they were praised and was told it was alright. it was so weird for me
Me too!!! I just started thinking my parents just "knew how to disipline"
@@Slxk8000 right! cus they tell me “thats how u know we love u cus we discipline you” UGHH i didn’t know!!! 😭
I had more of the emotional abuse thing going on. But damn. I know what living in this tiny world means and thinking that the other parents don’t do their job well enough.
…pRAISED????
@@Doctor-Stoppage Wtf I'm not as big as you but man this is exactly me I scare everybody in my house because I'm so quite walking day or night and it's from the exact same reason.
I came to have my heart broken because I’ve gone through every checklist of how my parents failed me, but as soon as the test started I remembered that I laid on the floor with my 4 year old today, we fed the fish together, she pretended to be a cat and then fell asleep in my lap while watching her favorite Tim burton movie. She got sad because she didn’t get to feed the fish their shrimp treats because I had mixed them with their flakes so I showed he she had indeed put the treats in there. As the video went on I kind of forgot about my childhood and started identifying myself with the “good parent” described in the video. I really needed that, because some days I don’t feel like I’m doing my best or I feel overwhelmed but this was a nice reminder. Thank you.
Hey just wanted to say your comment really made me cry. I grew up and still am growing up in a dysfunctional family. Ive noticed that a lot of what i do is because of my childhood experience and reading your comment has made me go into my "i wish i had a parent like that" thinking. But as read through i realized ill never have a parent like that and thats ok, cause some day i can be the better parent whod try and understand their child. Whom will love them unconditionally...
You have already broken the ‘bad parenting’ lineage my friend! I You baby is definitely lucky to have you! All the best! 💐💐💐
@@lovefool.99But also!!! Don't expect your child to heal you! Some parents get a boost in their healing journey when they have a child, but others do not, for any of the many different possible reasons. You can't know which category you will happen to fall in, so if you don't think you're stable enough to handle difficult situations without losing control, _please don't put a child through that._ It's unfair to hold that expectation on the children, even if meant well and not at all meant to be an expectation on _them._
If you are calling your 4 year old
He she you have already failed.
Why did this make me emotional 😭 😂 god bless you ma’am
My parents taught me a lot. Everything that they did in their lives, i should avoid doing in order to succeed in my life.
This is so depressing but so true
ooooh the burnnn
Ive use the same metric with great success!
100% I adopted this philosophy since the age of 4.
same here! probably why i'm still married & they're not.
People with good parents are so blessed.
It's a cycle. Broken people raise broken people, and until recently, outsiders looking in would judge damaged people as being fundamentally flawed. It still happens, but we're starting to wake up to the reality that bad behavior is really a symptom of poor development.
Only if they refuse to acknowledge their own pain and decide not to change. This reminds me of something my mother would tell me over and over , that broken people shouldn't have children, but she wasn't talking about herself she was talking about me...I was the broken one and should not have children. I am a mother now and even though its hard to be a good parent especially a lone good parent, even if you has the best childhood. I know that my mother was wrong. I almost was never going to become a mother based on these beliefs , how sad would that be to not allow yourself to heal grow and change and become a loving parent. We only raise broken children when we refuse to change.
I'm breaking my cycle! Or die trying 💪
I broke the cycle. I became the mother I wished I'd had. It was healing to protect and nurture and do the things that weren't done for me. 🌺
"but we're starting to wake up to the reality"
There is no WE.
"bad behavior is really a symptom of poor development."
Sometimes. Other times people are simply bad (selfish, narcissistic) and it would not matter their parenting.
@@thomasmaughan4798 There is a "we", it is the collective consciousness of society and each of us represents a neuron in that web. If you talk or listen to anyone, you're participating in that collective consciousness. You're like a neuron in the brain that is refusing to acknowledge that it's part of something bigger.
I can't even imagine how my mom accepted my weirdness when i was a child. She played a big part behind my creativity and confidence that i own today.
Finally a positive comment about parenting, I though I was out of my depths. I have fairly tolerating and loving parents that have provided me with independence and allowed my creativity even though they didn’t necessarily check a lot of these boxes.
I have a “weird kid,” and he is magical. I foster his uniqueness and hope he feels supported and understood, because I know that your types of minds are the ones that move and change our world.
My mother always encouraged my crap and thanks to her I'm confident being myself today. It's nice to see someone else who can share good memories of their parents. :)
And it's unfortunate that a lot of people don't have this experience..
Same with mine, too. My mother is definitely the most inspiring, amazing, loving person I have ever met. She's the reason of me wanting to become just like her in parenting in the future. Whatever confidence and love that I feel so much rn is all because of her. I'm really really thankful that she was my mom.
❤❤❤
My mother got me when she was 17 years old and did everything you've said. She is a truly good mother now I'm 20 and have a nice job and grown up to be a good human being and I'm so proud of her and love her so much :) that just shows you that young parents can be the perfect parents too
Wow glad ur mom could settle in a young age as u leave for college..
this is lovely. thank you for sharing your side and highlighting this!
My mom too. She loves yelling at me 24/7 but she is a good mom. I mean she doesnt abusive me or control my life lol she just yelling 😭😭
You are very lucky my friend... The key to success for people is generally being raised by good parents, you should be very grateful.
Good on your mom
" Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression"
~Haim Ginnot
My parents have this philosophy that children must be treated like “adults”. I grew up wherein everything has consequences and those consequences are corporal punishment or deprivation of something I enjoy. I was about 4yrs old when I forgot to consume the milk my mom prepared for me coz I was busy watching tv I just forgot about it. She got so angry and punished me by isolating me in the room and not allowing me to eat half day. I think it was pretty unreasonable given I was only a little child back then. But then again she has this motto that I “should’ve had known better”. I have so many other bad experiences for the first 12yrs of my life and up until now those memories never left me.
Man sorry to hear that.I hope you're doing well now
Maybe that's how they were raised? Some parents do the same and some do complete opposite. Although they were cruel it's better than parents that give kids everything spoil them and those kids are the worst adults with no regard for anyone. On a side note we maybe related. My mom is a Regalado too! Castilla Spain?
@@josiecamilo7098 I know you did not just say starving your kid is better than spoiling them
I'm sorry that was your experience growing up. How would you know better if you were just a kid? I mean, I was "treated like an adult" since I was 3 in the sense I no one used "baby talk" or "babbling" with me, and if I asked stuff like "where do babies come from?" I would be given the right answer and no "stork story". My parents still knew I was a kid, so if I made a mistake, I wasn't punished and they just explained me kindly what I did wrong, like you would to a friend that did something wrong but with no ill intentions.
@@josiecamilo7098 please don't have kids
This comment section in understandably full of rather painful childhood stories and reflections. Even if you don't share your own, know that you have support, love and understanding from all of us strangers who came here to do same. Love and happiness to all ♥️
🥺🥺🥺♥️
Mommy and daddy issues shining through in here
@@modisedaeswatiniprincess6944 & that is a bad thing now??
What about the people who commited su!c1d3 ??
@@AcidiFy574 I'm complaining... my problem is that so many of us have these parental issues meaning we didn't receive the care and unconditional love every child deserves and needs. 🤷🏽♀️ yes it's a problem because it just shows how many horrible people are having kids even when they shouldn't. Mommy and daddy issues are a serious problem that often gives birth to even bigger mental illnesses. Yes its bad
allowing kids the luxury to pick their own identity is so important even if the identity is meant lovingly. i grew up as "the smart/gifted one" and began to place such expectations on myself that i would cry if i got a B in school and feel unworthy to receive christmas gifts if i felt like i wasnt meeting my potential.
Me too.
I have severe ADHD, and I mean severe. I was labelled the smart, gifted one in primary school, but that label was IMMEDIATELY taken away in intermediate school when it became clear I couldn't keep up with it. And thus I was labelled the failure, or the one who "Just needs to apply himself", and because I did extraordinarily well on tests and exams but never turned in essays or homework, I was called lazy. I never graduated high school. The only reason I'm fairly well-adjusted nowadays is that getting on the correct medication helped me in university. My parents never took me to a psychiatrist. I had to do that myself.
@@gothicGumshoe sorry you had to go through that, it is an unfortunately common story (and very similar to my own)
i used to think my only value as a child in my house was that i was smart. and when HS came around my grades got worse and i felt worthless
@@gothicGumshoe dude, i REAAAALLLYYY feel you, just like you, as soon as i entered intermediate school that same label was tanken away from me and i startes taking medication for the ADHD that i feel that drained all my energy so i became the "lazy one", but i did finished highschool (i did stoped taking the meds not log after i asked for them to be removed).
still to this day i am labeled as lazy even tho i work harder than anyone on my family (because of their fault i had left univerity) and even without a tittle i make more than my father, and he is a medic . . .
People should only become parents when they have learned how to apologize and to admit that you're wrong
It’s hard to trust someone who tells you they love you after they beat you up
Physical abuse isn't love, you can't claim to love someone that you hurt. It's likely that person simply doesn't know how to love. You have no responsibility to teach them or let them "practice" on you. None of it has anything to do with you or how immensely lovable you are and deserve to be treated. 💖
In my country it’s OK to beat child but we also understand that you can beat your child but you always like your child know that you love them I mean every parent is different Some people think that it’s physical abuse while others think that is just plain punishment but if it’s like something that is consistent and you really didn’t do anything to deserve the beating Then that in my eyes is physical abuse
Even if you DID something, you do not deserve a beating..😣
That sounds very destructive. Hope you find people to genuinely love and respect you.
Amen.
My dad always told me " I want you to run TOWARDS me not FROM me" HE WAS TRULY THE BEST DAD EVER!
Lucky girl!
As a burned out gentle parent with abusive parents and baby’s fathers, this made me so happy in a dark time. Thank you for confirming that what I have fought for all these years is real. That I’m not too “passive” or “spoiling”
Not that’s it my business but do you follow any parenting models like Conscious or Mendlev (I believe that’s how you spell his name) that focus on those things
As a doula, one of the things I have learned from many of my peers and clients is that you can't spoil a child by simply being attentive and engaged. I think the definition of spoiling should specifically mention material excess and disengaged servitude. It just seems so cold to tell a parent they are caring too much about their child.
That said I do hope you find some care for your burn out. You're also deserving of your own care and attention.
Yeah, a lot of people go through it and it isn't the most uncommon thing sadly
@@theodoram658 Thank you I was having this issue too of when is it considered spoiling a child.
@@theodoram658 yknow. That's the exact issue with my mother. She feels like giving someone attention and listening to their issues is spoiling them. Always when smth on the news talks about the mental issues of children during covid, she just says "why don't we spoil them even more?" I never tell my mother anything because of it. And I don't even know if she'll have the same reaction when I tell anything of actual value.
Thanks for this 😊 This is how I raised my babies. 😊 After an extremely abusive childhood, I knew that I would always be a good parent. Children learn respect, by being shown respect. Love is the most important ingredient in a healthy human 😊
It should be the privilage of every child not to have to know it's parents in complete detail.
I agree. A lot.
Yes. And parents never realise it. If the kids contradict with their views, it's wrong. Parents use their kids as a medium to resonate with. It's very rough and deteriorates the kids mental state that he/she does not realise till it's too late
My parents use me as their emotional trashcan. Talking about their alcoholic parents, their marriage issues, about the how messed up my brother is. This messed up my mind a lot and I still have not figured out how to solve it. Im the oldest son of my family and I always felt Im responsible cause everybody told me their problems but I couldn't do anything about them.
Today its a real problem for me to if Im not as good or not as effective in solving problems as I want to. It creates a lot of hate against myself.
Its all cause of the modern trend that parents want to be the friends of their kids and thus want to share everything.
@@peterfruchtig5334
If it’s done everyday, then it can be problematic. But addiction is harsh and sometimes when you’re in that generation trauma state or you need healing from your inner child, then the boundaries become blurry. Being a meditator for stuff like that comes with it’s benefits but in the end it’s mentally exhausting. If you can sit your parents down and acknowledge your past and their past, then I’ll think it’ll be for the best.
@@peterfruchtig5334 they where fucking in my room while they thought I was asleep once, not very cash money I have to say
@@peterfruchtig5334 as an older brother, I wish you good luck in finding something you can direct your frustration at, just avoid doing that on your brother, it's not a good idea and I know what I'm saying.
my mom was NEVER wrong the entire time I knew her. I haven't talked to her in 15 years and I never will.
same case, but with my dad. I guess i'll start now. It's been really exhausting.
@@abbysducky2395 This may save you some time. Something I recently realized that made a big difference. When internally confronted with the desire to communicate with them or help them or hoping they've become better, etc... I now leave their redemption up to THEM and their relationship with their guide. It's not my business or my responsibility. Yes, as a human, I have a vested interest in people around me being healthy but that only means if enough people become healthy we'd relocate the psychopaths.
And she never tried to guilt trip you for not talking to her and act like you're the bad one for breaking off the relationship as if she didn't bring this upon herself? Asking for a friend.
@@Tubeytime Every child is different but parents like these find their weaknesses. I never gave in to the guilt trip but I did give in to the fear that if I didn't bow to her then she'd abandon me; I believed she was that kind of person. Funny that I read this quote today because I'm working through this particular issue this week. Thanks man
Lol at least one of your parents were OK(?) Both of my parents were never wrong lmao
Once I was playing outside. I fell and injured myself. I was about 9. I remember looking at my leg and the first thing I thought was:
I hope mom doesn't get mad at me.
I was scared and didn't want to go home so instead I went to a neighbor, she fixed me up really quick. She was so nice.
Forgiveness / understanding was a real issue in my family. It still is.
It's immensely saddening how common this is. This exact feeling of fear when you get hurt, cuz your mom would totally yell at you rather than fix you up.
@imeneimi That's exactly what happened to me! A neighbour and I were on a see-saw and she thought it would be funny to jump off while I was up in the air. Well, I came crashing down and my back was injured by the handles. I couldn't walk. But the first thing I thought was, my mom's going to be angry because I will be useless to her! Then, I thought of how I wasn't going to be able to run in track and field. I tried my best to walk upright and I only told my twin sister. I really should have gone to the hospital, if it happened to any of my siblings they would have gone to get treated. But, because other past injuries where my parents never took me to the hospital, it was just engrained in me that I didn't deserve it.
I didn't make it into track and field that year even though I tried my best. My little body just couldn't handle it. I had back pain for over 10 years after that.
When I broke my arm playing a sport one parent, while vocally inconveinenced by helping me, understood me bc of their past injuries. The other laughed and said they had never broken a bone, as if that is something to boast as the doc told us I needed surgery.
Same. I broke my arm when i was 7 and thought we were all going to die because my dad was so angry and driving so aggressively to the hospital. They left me overnight in a city hospital alone and didnt give a shit that i couldnt even press my call bell to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water cause my only good arm was taped from fingertips to elbow to a foam pad and iv pole. Im 30 now and will never forget how helpless i felt and how thirsty and dehydrated i was that i couldnt even cry. When the pain became intolerable i spent an hour tearing through tape with my teeth, (trying not to dislodge the iv for fear of being yelled at), just to be able to buzz for a tylenol.
i am rather clumsy, once i tripped on the chair leg that i fell and the chair also fell. The chair legs broke and my legs were injured. The first thing my mom do is yell because i broke the chair. my legs started to bleed and i just run to my room before she sees it. The next day? she is happy as clam, nothing happens, i still vividly remember, it sucks.
My mum died last year, This video helped me realise she should get as close to a perfect score as possible. Thank you so very much for this, and for giving me confidence I can do right by my baby boy.
When your parent says "I should be able to say something without you getting mad because you don't like what I have to say," you should realize that it is okay to feel upset. Because people get upset when things that they don't like are said or done. Your feelings are valid. I wish someone had told me that.
I’m in my 20’s and my dad still says ‘well I just won’t speak then because everything I say is wrong’ when he’ll never listen to why what he said upset us. So thanks for saying this because it really does feel like what I feel doesn’t matter and I should be passive even though his words have hurt me, because him being upset by my reaction is more important.
thanks for saying this. my mom is exactly like that, she tells me to be angry inside and not show it. im not allowed to show any negative emotions
Showing emotions or crying was so hard to avoid as a child. They force you to not react like that over "small things". I feel guilty crying (getting upset) in front of them because they get angry and tell me I'm being over dramatic. Even now laughing or smiling makes me embarrassed when they can see me showing those emotions.
@@vex2x9710 yeah in my case it was always "why are YOU crying when you're the one hurting me with your misbehavior" like I was a kid and kids do stupid thing sometimes. My parents were sometimes cruel in their punishments after there was a law made where you couldn't spank your children. One time they punished me and my sister by removing everything from our room except for our beds, the furniture, and a change of clothes. Then they gave us each a bible and some water and said that we were going to be fasting and that it wouldn't kill us to fast for one day when Jesus did it for several. One time they put my brother in a chair facing the wall in the closet and shut the door. He was in there for hours and was only let out to go to the bathroom. There was a light in there but it was still hard to watch. And for years I thought the world of my parents. I mean they're my parents. And they weren't like that all the time. In fact most of the time they were pretty good parents🤷🏻♀️ but now the more and more I remember the more I feel like I got cheated out of something. And then I feel guilty cuz for the most part they were good parents. Idk. It's very confusing.
@@what_2046 Very often parents can be good at parenting in some aspects and in other aspects be very terrible. What they did was wrong and sounds very traumatizing, and it's okay to be hurt, mad, and/or have any other emotion about it. Noticing they did some things that were hurtful doesn't discredit the things they did well, and vise versa just because they did a lot of things well doesn't mean that the things they did that hurt you were any less painful. They can be good and bad parents at the same time.
My parents totally failed this test. They made home into a warzone. So here I am at the age of 32 refusing to have kids because I'm always one step from self-admitting or worse. Screw subjecting anyone to that.
Same!!
Same.
You can do the things the video tell us about for yourself first. I am doing those for myself while raising a child of my own. It’s hard hard work, self knowledge every hour, to be a better parent than mine were, but it’s possible.
I hear you
Raising child is hard and I am proud of you for being aware of your limits. If a person decides not to have kid because they can't handle it or fear that they might do something wrong IT DOESN'T MAKE THEM A BAD PERSON
What's truly special is when you SEE people who havent had the best parents or decent childhoods grow up to be amazing and kind parents. That's special 💚
And then they try to take credit because of course you're only an extension of your parents 😪
I wish to be one in the chance that I do become a parent even if I don't wanna
That’s both of my parents! My mom’s parents divorced when she was very young, she was practically raised by nannies because her dad was always at work, and she did a lot of drugs. My dad’s mom died of cancer when he was also young, and his dad was very physically abusive; he was a total crackhead and dropped out high school. Both of them found Jesus as young adults and were saved by him, and they got married shortly after. Now, they’re both the best parents I could ever ask for, despite having sucky childhoods, and I can say with confidence that they love me unconditionally. God can do incredible things, even in crappy scenarios!
@@SnowKat-mn9qh I always say that God's real miracles are not flashy tricks, but transformative changes-of-heart like that. Beautiful story!! 😍
Only thing I disagree is the whole "oh the reward your parents get is you being a good parent" thing because I've heard something similar from my mom, even though ever since I was a child, I was adamant that I never wanted kids. I still don't.
Not everyone wants kids so I don't think that should be the one thing promoted as a reward to your parents. We don't owe our parents grandkids nor should we feel pressured to.
I think my parents were close to perfect. They are long gone now but still missed and appreciated. I guess I raised my kids the same way. As soon as the little ones were old enough they were always given input into decisions and listened to. We respected their thoughts and the respect was returned. I think respect is the answer to most interaction between families and everyone else. They were taught early to be independent. I don't remember an actual argument or fight because we discussed things. If we decided something was not a good idea or not safe, they actually listened. My 3 kids grew up in a household without conflict as did I. They never got physically punished. They are well-adjusted, educated adults and we are still close. My parents were wonderful. We children (now only my brother and I are left - our sister passed away) frequently discuss how much they meant to us and the wonderful values they passed on. I am blessed.
Wow. I can only aspire to be as amazing a parent.
we should all be so lucky. :)
Thank you for this comment, it makes being a good parent achievable
You're so lucky!
This is such a refreshing comment in asea of people feeling sad. Glad to know some parents don't suck.
Moral of the story: Don't get kids just because you want to have kids.
Get kids because you know how responsible you have to be and you know you're ready for it.
You can help your child have a good future (mental health, healthy surroundings etc) or you can destroy it. Children are human beings and should never be born to make a family "complete" or to say "I achieved something, I have kids".
The irony is people who should think like that but don't make dozens of kids and the ones who do are barely having one. Idiocracy is starting to look more and more like a documentary.
@@b00gyman1 yea that's true. I know how bad my parents failed because they weren't parents with heart but mostly because of "She's here now we have to kind of take care". It takes so so much to be a good, caring, loving and supporting parent and i know that I probably won't get any kids in this world and how everything is becoming worse and worse plus I can't imagine how hard it must be. No privacy, lots of spending money on the kids, you have to be aware what they do 24/7 especially when they are just a few weeks old and you literally have no life. I respect every parent who is willing to do this and really cares for her/his child.
Sorry for the novel
Say it louder for people in the back 👏👏👏
I live in the middle east and everyone has like 4-7 kids who they can't afford to raise and no time to spend with them... They just give birth and neglect the child by throwing him/her into society without protection, and when that child grows up with tons of problems and mental health issues caused by the neglectful parents they play the victim perfectly ...
@@b00gyman1 you know too much
I honestly don't know how anyone can justify having children period. Considering they have the knowledge of their mortality, I think its akin to murder.
One of the biggest things i agree with is your child should never know you completely, until you are an adult. They know you are your own human but your role is their parent. Growing up my mom treated her children more as her little friends and i grew up with a lot of anxiety over things i shouldn’t have even been thinking about at such a young age.
I have anxiety because my mother had panic attacks and my dad is obsessive compulsive and bipolar. Genes right there 😂 other than that, I'm very smart and learn and understand things fast
Yep. I explain things to my son but I also protect him. He doesn't need to know everything or think mummy can't handle it.
I remember when I was quite young (around 6-7) my mom complained about something with the business and how it wasn't generating as much money as last month. She did this a lot for some reason and in my little child brain I thought we were going broke and that we don't have much money. Afterwards I became really frugal for a long time, opting to not ask for anything to my parents. I made due with my pre-existing toys and stopped asking to buy toys altogether. If I needed or wanted something for a hobby I would rummage through my belongings first to see if anything fit a similar description of the item I wanted. I learnt recently that we are quite economically stable. When they talk about money it still makes me really worried though. I also feel like the family therapist at times instead of a member of it like a dumping ground for problems, or like a trophy for success especially when my parents tell people that I am planning to pursue something in medicine. The result is I am plauged with worries of many things in life. From what I've asked and talked to with people in the same age group as me, I've gathered that they aren't worried about the same thing I am. Heck, the thought never even crossed their minds.
@@Whitechaihis so much.
That said, I grew up pingponging between my well off mother and poverty level father.
I never understood how much money we had. On one hand I'd have trips all over the world with my mother, on the other she'd complain how finances are tight. I though just like you that we were on the edge of bankrupcy, and could not understand why the heck would you buy a game console if you have bills to pay.
Meanwhile my dad was actually poor... but he rarely ever complained about it!
He's a lot more honest about his finances than my mother, where I found out hers because I had access to her income documents...
I also just don't ask for help unless I absolutely need it. If it's not going to be a disaster, I'll deal with it myself. I can not eat if I can't afford it.
I guess my mother kind of picked up on me almost never asking, because she sends over money periodically and repeatedly asks if I have food... and organises trips for me... mom, I'm an adult, also please stop complaining how money is tight when I know it isn't for you.
@@Olivia-W I understand this so much haha
I came back to this video to realize my mom didn't get enough of parent love aside from her older sister.
It make so much sense how she crave for adventures and things a child could ever asked for.
The part about allowing imaginary friends hit home with me. My child had two named Markie and Lisa. Lisa was the voice of reason while Markie was the instigator and troublemaker. One Easter I decided to make a basket for Markie as well and when my child found two and asked I told her one was for Markie. She got this weird look on her face and whispered to me. "But Mom, I'm Markie". Thank goodness Markie and Lisa both left for China soon after that.
that’s hilarious
this is actually so funny
M. Night Shyamalan level twist right here
That's really some incredible insight into child psychology.
Why didn't you make one for the other friend? And why did you choose the trouble maker friend?
Dang my parents really are great parents. They did all of this and even more. I'm really grateful for all their patience and unconditional love.
You're very lucky. I think that's rare.
be really grateful for that, glad you are safe with your parents
@John Smith 4. Honestly I don't blame your parents though. The stress and financial problems that come with having kids can be heavy on them.
@@dawncrime3121 then why have so many? We need to be responsible. I want children but i am too poor. I am too old now as well. But I didn't want my children to suffer over basic human needs.
@@ingenueblue8914 depends what country they were they probably haven't seen condoms that time.
If anything, I love how people in the comments have so much self-reflection. Many parents didn't/don't have that. The sheer fact that people are watching this and questioning their upbringing and wanting to be better for their children (or for themselves!) is beautiful.
Absolutely! 💯
I think a lot of people blame their parents for the way they turned out, but they fail to realize that our parents didn't have the tools like we do to learn what a "good parent" actually is. I for one have learned how not to be a parent based on my upbringing, and have studied psychology enough to what healthy child development looks like and will use that if I ever have kids
I know and I love it so much
We love to see it
With me, it’s why I don’t blame boomer parents for how we as gen z, millennials, or even gen x, was raised.
Because boomers as parents were just doing what was familiar to them.
i used to blame my mom for my own mental problems and all the things she did fail as a mother, but looking back, she gave an awesome childhood, way better than she her circumstances allowed her aince she had depression since my dad left her before i was even born, that's why I'm thankful for her love and all of her effort
My mother always provided me with the bare essentials (food, shelter, clothes), but as I grew older, what I needed from her emotionally was essentially absent. I didn't blame her because I knew she had her own life to deal with too, but in the same vein I still kind of resent her because she made me go through the hardest years of my life alone, essentially turning me into a people pleaser who's scared to let anyone in.
Can't say much for my dad though. He somehow managed to be absent without ever leaving home. :/
i had the exact same situation 😭
Same here
How did this get 58 likes?? Thank you everybody so much for them, you're honestly too kind. I'm just glad that there are others who can kinda relate to my story, and I hope we can all find catharsis in it, and that eventually we can all move on and become stronger 💕
Edit: holy crap, two days later and the likes are skyrocketing. I'm just glad other people can relate to me, and thanks so much again for making me see that there are other people out there just like me and that I'm not alone ☺️
literally me
I have no connection with my dad and ive lived with him my whole life
I started crying at number eight. I honestly didn't realise that the whole "unconditional parent love" is a real thing. My mum has always expected everything she gives us to be returned, no matter what. Even when my siblings were five. Even when we didn't want what she gave us.
My mother called me ungrateful because i was mad at a christmas gift my parents gave me. I had asked for something, and instead of either getting it or not, they gave me some bullshit knock off. I was mad because to me, i wouldve rather not have gotten anything. But the same way they told me “close isnt good enough”, apparently, hypocrisy was okay. I wouldve rather not gotten anything, and i still live like that. I dont want gifts from anyone because most people will get me whAt they think i should want, instead of what i asked for.
@@kalstonii sorry you had to experience this, man.
@@kalstonii i resonate with this so much
i guess that’s why gifts isn’t one of my love languages
@@kalstonii ‼️
@@kalstonii Sound like a spoiled little brat. Wow
I was told that children “should be seen, not heard”. Me and my siblings practically raised each other emotionally. Thank god for older sisters.
yesss!! only person in my family i can truly, unconditionally love is my older sister.
I wish I had an older sister
I wish that wouldve been the case for me. Their was a pretty big age difference between me and my brother so by the time i was in kindergarten he went off to college. That left me having to deal our moms toxicity alone. I think becuase of that i ended up becoming so mentally and emotionally unstable.
@@shrutis Dude...you have my total respect for that.
@@FunnyLittleFrog me too
As far as my parents go. I basically rolled a 3/20 my mother abandoned and replaced me with another child when i was 8 and my father abused me and made me feel guilty for still trying to love my mother. If i ever have kids. They will never know their grandparents on my end.
My mom kicked me out at age 17, step dad and I fought. Was homeless for a year working on my TH-cam channel. Also I didn’t know my biological father🤷 never met the guy or had a convo. I’m 23 now, I push people away, I smoke, I didn’t have anxiety but now I do. Not sure why I’m writing this, I was trying to relate to the video but…
Nah you're good, many here relate to this video. You're on the right track, and it is hard, but slowly try to push less people away, keep the ones closest to you that matter the most in your eyes
@@SNKJay 🤜🏽🤛🏽
We all have problems. Hang on man!
Your mother seems to be more interested who’s in her bed rather than how her child is, because I have a feeling she resents and takes out on you the reminder of your dad is You! She is most likely a sick twisted person that sees you as a mistake ( she is a child) you are better and more grown up than your egg and sperm donors! Love yourself
I'm so sorry! A woman, who prioritizes a man over her child, is no mother!
I remember being annoyed with my mom all the time as a kid, but telling myself that these things were normal. After going through this checklist, I can better understand that while she wasn't an abusive or cruel parent, she wasn't a great one either. I always grew up being told that "I need to cut her some slack" and "she's doing her best", and while I did and still do understand that, I also need a mother like this video talks about. Someone steady and reliable. Not someone that I felt that I had to support. Not someone I felt that I had to take care of, that I had to be there for.
look up parentification that's what it sounds like happened to you. I actually recommend the wiki article as they reference all the peer reviewed studies regarding parentification.
I feel the same way. Our parents should support us. We shouldn’t have to support our parents.
@@JustBuyTheWaywardsRealms obviously thats not what they were referring to
@@JustBuyTheWaywardsRealms I sometimes feel that many times, my eldest daughter had to help me far more than she should have. She helped raise her younger siblings. I developed an autoimmune disease when she was 12. I was in the hospital so often, I lived there and home. My babies never knew when I'd be able to attend special events or birthdays or if I'd be able to see them at all for long periods of time. Yet, I have been so fortunate that they all understood and supported me and I them. We have a very close bond now. My disease is in remission and my children grown but we all live in the same small community and see each other daily. I agree that being the support for a parent is very hard and can lead to a deep feeling of loss and regret, as you've missed something necessary for growth; a childhood. However, sometimes we just play with the hand we're dealt but let those around us know what's in our heart. Most times we really do the very best we can with what we have and hope those depending on us understand.
Agreed, mine loved me so much growing up she put in a lot of time and care into raising us but looking back I think that she wanted me to support her and her mothering. In my 30/s I still feel driven to make my Mother happy even if it means I will be unhappy, it’s difficult to set boundaries with your parents if you never were given the space to make them without guilt
That moment when you don’t need a test to know your parents shouldn’t even be called parents
Truly heartbreaking. This might have made you a lot more self reliant than normal.
@@puny_God I'm self reliant to a fault, & always calculating my next move for my survival. Trust, & connection, are alien concepts. The only time someone claims to "care," or "love you," you can rest assured, it's because they are trying to manipulate you into getting them whatever it is they desire. No one is sincere in their motives, & nothing is freely given. There is ALWAYS a price to be paid.
@@infernalstryfe realising that is truly just sad man
@@puny_God it is what it is. That's just life. I'll continue to survive.
@@infernalstryfe Amen. I hope it gets better for you man. Always keep up this high spirit 🥳
the fact this video even showed up in my feed leads me to believe that i might not have good parents (they are the best and i love them)
And here my parents are telling everyone that they raised me well because they raised me to be like a doll and only do whatever the command when they commanded it. My mom legit said that she would take a 3 hour nap sometimes and strictly would tell me not to move from the couch and she’d find me sitting without having moved an inch still watching tv, not having changed the channel or having gotten up to get anything.
I swear the only reason I’m different from them and didn’t turn out being insane is because my grandma would help raise me when my parents were working for year and years of my life. I love her more than anyone else in the world and I visit her all the time.
TV was my major parent too.
one or both of your parents might (ofc I don't really know) have been narcissists
@@royalgospel because they told her not to move from the couch? tf.
@@surpremier To install enough fear in your child to not have them move for hours and on purpose (I'd assume) .. I'd say that's pretty fked up
My mom would beat me for anything even if I got my dress dirty as a toddler.
#5 Clinginess is so spot on.
As a child my mother let me be as independent or dependent as I wanted to be on her. I never had to question her love or is she would there we I needed. She never dismissed or belittled me when I was “clingier” than normal. She saw it as a symptom of something else, not a flaw.
My father, on the other hand, was very “buck up”, “rub some dirt in it”, “I didn’t raise you to be weak” kind of guy. My siblings and I tell him nothing. We know his love is conditional. When we behave as he wants us to? Praise. When we don’t? Woof.
Now, in his fifties with grown children, he’s always in his feels about all three of his kids preferring our mother over him and it’s because he never made us feel “safe” about needing help, being scared, or just wanting be physically close to your caregiver for comfort.
jesus this hit home
I feel the way you feel about your mom about my dad, and the way you feel about your dad about my mom. My mom being nice to me is completely dependent on if I’m acting how she wants me to. If I don’t she sent me to the loony bin.
I’d cut him some slack. Chances are he really didn’t know any better from his childhood. I used to think my dad was such a dick for many things. I later came to understand my grandfather was hell lot worse and that in his limited knowledge, my father tried to do much better with the cards he was dealt.
@@danielcristianescobar8157 Yeah that's what I was thinking. I'm not sure about OP's history with their father so I'm not trying to make any assumptions, but their father is human just like anyone else, and if I were in their shoes, I would try to treat my father better than he treated me and forgive him for the mistakes he made earlier in my life.
I wish I could have some of that nice relationship with one of your parents but I have felt unsafe with both
Im sorry you had to go through that situation when they start to blame you for using "unnecessary" favoritism even though they're usually the ones who used it the most.
Is frustating but we will reach the peace to just live happy
This video should be part of a basic, “so you’re going to be a parent” Package parents-to-be are issued. As a single parent who’s had to learn with the help of a therapist exactly how to be a good parent, this is an amazing summary of many of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn about what a parent is supposed to act like.
There is one very important thing I feel you overlooked: Repair. When the parent DOES scare or intimidate or instill terror within their child, they must learn to repair the damage done. That means going to see the child, ask them if they would like to talk. If so, begin apologizing sincerely & directly explaining what mommy or daddy did was wrong. Ask them how it made them feel. And so on. Repair is an overlooked step. Even Gabor Mate does this!
Anyway truly great content. Love the channel.
My parent still scares and instills terror and I'm in my 30s... There's no hope for me except to not reproduce.
@@Ikbeneengeit Of course that there's hope for you, don't say that.
You could start by distancing yourself from your father.
And if you have childs, try to remember everything your father did that you didn't liked, and, just completely avoid doing it.
@@jasdanvm3845 thank you for your kind words
A whole lot of words to say "let kids be kids"