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Please, we need you Alan! Your voice was so special, calm and deep... Can you not find another narrator? Her voice is too sharp and I started watching the episodes muted and with subtitles to be able to finish them... Before, in times of need, I just listening your video and felt relieved after it...
If and when you ever make a video about severe child abuse, please confer with those who’ve survived it first so you don’t alienate them at their expense. So many people seem to benefit from videos like yours, but your insight will inevitably be limited in this regard unless you survived it yourself as a child. 🥂
This is me. I grew up in a perfectly normal, decent family. I had all the basics in life, and a bit more. Except for emotions. Both my parents are highly closed off, each in its own way. My father felt like an impenetrable wall, without a gate. My mother felt like a wounded animal, vulnerable, distrusting and prone to lash out at the same time. Emotional expression, from cuddles and hugs to talking about feeling, was not done at home. I was always sensitive to these tensions and realities, and adjusted by suppressing my emotions deeply, by stopping to talk about them. I did so unconsciously; I was a child, learning blindly about the ways of the world the way a child does. How could I have known there were other ways of doing this? This was my universe. The results were subtle at first, but built up over the years. Low self-esteem, an inability to express my emotions or to ask others for help. Depression and darker thoughts. I am on a path of healing and growing. I have been on this path for years, and expect to be walking it for years to come. But it is worth it: here I am, writing about it to you all, not ashamed, not hiding. I would not have been able to do this ten years ago, or even five. I am 44 now. In some crucial ways, my life indeed did begin at (around) 40. Here's to the future. May it be full of love and space for me, just the way I am. Love to you all, and especially to those whose life stories in some ways resemble mine.
@@teresabtc5022 Thank you Teresa. Working on that, it's a labor of years. But yes, I do see myself more than I ever have before and I do my best to take part in that world that I hope for. If I may ask, are you speaking here from a place of personal experience?
@@harmenbreedeveld8026 I am just curious about human behavior and believe everyone has a chance to catch his/her life back. With wisdom and resilience, we can all get our own sanity and inner peace
I was fed, watered, clothed with a roof over my head. The basics. That’s about it. Not very wholesome. Apathy aplenty. Never really flourished. I struggle with life as an adult. Terribly insecure with low self esteem. Still working on it.
"I was fed, watered, clothed with a roof over my head" was my Dad's go-to response to _any_ criticism. He always used it as justification for every negative thing he did...Like dude, making sure I don't starve and have a place to protect me from the elements is the _bare minimum_ of parenting, that's shit you're supposed to do. Everything you listed is also available in prison, lol.
@@anthonyitaliano7316 yes! Plus, it's not like he'd be living on the streets if it wasn't for you. Most parents actually only work for themselves, to have their house, their food, and the children happen to be just extra. But it's not like they devoted their lives to raise the children, as many would say they did...
TRue words, Abbz. It is hidden indeed. Especially because of that it's so important (and yet hard) to work yourself through this, because if people don't notice, they cannot help :/
True words. A lot of people think it’s not an actual thing to go through cuz many don’t talk abut it yk. Some ppl actually show genuine emotion and care for their child. Those who don’t know what that looks like. When we get into a relationship we are left questioning : “is this for the attention or do I genuinely love this person”
I suffered emotional neglect because my mother was (and still is) completely depressed and she only devotes her energy to read the bible. My father was absent looking for love in other women. I was always the best in sport but no one was there to tell me "I am proud of you" "you did great" "you deserve it" "I am here with you." As years passed I started to be less good in sports, mainly because of all my insecurities and low self-steem.
I went through the same thing except for that my dad was a workaholic. My mom read the Bible, too! 😂😂 I don't remember a single hug, kiss, cuddle from my parents. I'm in my thirties and still suffering from the experience but I'm trying to shake it off and live my life, build my inner self. So sorry for you bud. Hug hug🫂❤️
@@raedf7197 thanks for saying that you experienced something similar, I feel less lonely. I am in early 30s and also trying to get better. I feel angry about what happened to me, I was not conscious until I saw a therapist, I think I am now going through a process of acceptance but it is very hard, I feel anger for the injustice. Everyone always told me that I was lucky because I showed a big smile and exceeded in education work and sports
Been in therapy for years and the source of almost all my issues is this. I'm not mad at my parents cause they just didn't know better, but goddamn this has been hard to fix.
Check out Gabor Mate books and videos. He’s one of the leading voices on this right now :) ... art and creative expression helped me too... anyways...peace out! Good luck :)
Im in the beginning of a similar journey and if you dont mind I want to ask - did you talk to your parents about the harm they have done and, if you did, how did that go?
You’re doing better than me, King - I don’t care if my parents didn’t know better; I am livid at them being so cavalier with my life, and them having no consequence for it.
I think is very important to reparent yourself. Nobody should pass their inner child for somebody else to raise. Give yourself everything you are lacking. Unfortunately as much as it sucks to say, the more we expect other people to acknowledge our needs , is not going to happen if it comes from a desperate place
Yes, but, a therapist will "parent" you and help you fill that void. We can't give ourselves love if we've never received it. A therapist relationship helps give us that love within healthy boundaries, and the trust that they won't abandon you if you get "too needy". That's their job - to help you toward being able to parent yourself.
So true. I was one of those desperate people. This whole time the love I was looking for is self love. I stopped looking for love externally and found love internally 💖
@@cosmicmuffin322 therapists suck they ditch you after a few sessions, so how can they reparent you, they even say that's not the point of therapy and they certainly don't love you
@@honingbijtje83 - the wound is in your emotional (subconscious) mind, so you have to keep telling yourself this until you start to notice that you are accepting it emotionally. One thing that helps is think of a person that you really like. How would you treat that person? Treat yourself like that. If that person wanted something from you, you’d go through quite a lot to make sure they get it. Do the same for yourself. Also, you wouldn’t be harsh to that person you like, even when you’re disciplining them. So don’t be harsh with yourself. Finally, take care of yourself as you would if you had a child. Regular sleep times, diet, exercise, hydration, cleanliness, and all the other basics. Encourage yourself to make new friends, praise yourself for small accomplishments, tell yourself that you like yourself, try to have a small smile on your face more often than not. Act with yourself as you would with a person you like. And structure your life as you would with your child. There’s more resources available on line. But this is the gist. It’ll feel very unnatural at first, but humor yourself and do it anyway until it starts to feel like second nature. In time, it will. This is a lifelong endeavor. So be your own best friend for life.
At 29, the extent of emotional unavailability and stability I was subjected to in my childhood, has taking a horrific toll on me. I want affection so badly; I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and I'm good enough. I'm suffering. And everyday all I dwell on is how much I'm suffering.
You are good enough and everything will be OK, dwell on that please, sometimes we have to be kind to ourselves in the absence of good parenting, never to old to have a happy childhood!
What happened happened, and you are not to blame for what happened. It may be time to dwell on the present and take care of yourself. You are here and survived, and despite being battered and bruised, you can survive today, and take care of tomorrow when it comes. Invest your energy and resources in you. Help yourself and care for yourself. Be kind and compassionate to yourself by starting again each day. You can learn new strategies and use tools to help you. You can choose to leave what doesn't help you behind. What you focus on will grow in your life. If you focus on giving yourself the skills you need to meet your material and emotional needs, you will grow and flourish. If you need help get the best you can. Read books about codependency and how to overcome emotional neglect. A good book to start with is: TOXIC PARENTS: OVERCOMING THEIR HURTFUL LEGACY AND RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE By SUSAN FORWARD, PH.D.. Start there and check out the Suggested Reading List in the back. You can get this at the library or on Amazon as it is still in print, and a search there will bring up other books about emotional neglect in childhood and its impact in later life. What I love about this book is that it will provide practical strategies to help you unlearn the dysfunctional beliefs and habits from bad parenting. Not only that, but it doesn't matter if your parents are alive or not. This book can help you. It's time to go home. You've been out in the wilderness too long.
I feel your pain! 😢 What helped me was learning about (cPTSD) Complex PTSD Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) Also ECHOIST A great website is parenting.exposed I was the Scapegoat of the family and now everything makes sense. It was NEVER me...It was my "parents" Wishing you well on your journey to discovering your real beautiful self!
i just realized that the chronic loneliness and yearning for love and affection that i've always felt started when i was a baby waiting for my parents to finally love me and hold me dear. i've been carrying this feeling and waiting on them for so long that eventually i forgot about it, but it never went away. i'm speechless.
“Numbing out” or being cut off from one's feelings. like there's something missing, but not being sure what it is. hollow inside. Being easily overwhelmed or discouraged. . Perfectionism. Pronounced sensitivity to rejections
Bad take trying to tie negligent parents to smartphones. Seriously why would you even say such a thing probably sitting on your smartphone yourself while writing this?
@@esthervolkening3568 I'm writing this on my phone, but my kids are already in bed, and I'm not on my phone when I'm around them precisely because I know it makes them feel separated from me. They need my attention, love, and affection, which I can't give them if I'm staring at my phone scrolling through social media seeing if people still like me or not.
@@patrickking9600 Yet that's not what makes a parent a negligent parent. Negligent parents are negligent with or withour smartphones. Smartphones are not what caused people to become bad parents and that narrative is really just upsetting.
@@esthervolkening3568 never said smart phones are what cause bad parents. You’re right, parents can be negligent with or without smart phones. BUT, many _good_ parents don’t even realize how much they ignore their kids because they’re so preoccupied with their phone. That _is_ neglectful behavior, whether they consider themselves to be good parents or not.
One of my more fond memories is of a time in elementary school. I had watched my older brother play through The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on the gamecube and was so inspired by the story, the character, and the plot that I spent the entire night making a little storybook that describes the story and featured my own drawings. I remember folding the notebook paper to make it seem like a little paper book with staples holding the folds shut. I was so proud of that. I thought it was incredible that I could do such a thing. I remember I showed my mom that night. I don't remember anything. No response. No affection. No praising. I took it to school and I just kept rereading what I wrote. I remember the teacher asked me what I had and told her I made this story. I remember her smile and pleasure as she skimmed through my creation. I remember being so happy that someone saw what I did, but I never felt like I had that at home.
Not getting love as a child creates such an empty feeling inside and growing up all I wanted to do was find ways to fill that void. Constantly chasing love and wanting to feel like someone actually cares, doing whatever it takes, but it never goes away, the emptiness never goes away.
To anyone reading this, if you've been through emotional neglect yourself, I want you to know that I have been through it too. And all the people commenting here. And so many more. You are not alone. And it's not your fault. We didn't know that parenting could have been done other way. I am crying so bad right now. My little girl died some days back and my mother expects me to bounce back to normal in 7 days. This is emotional neglect. This is emotional unavailability. I want to grieve, but there are no comforting arms around me and there's no parent to tell me that it's okay to grieve.
I am so sorry Ms. Soumi. I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I can imagine nothing more painful and if I could I would spend as much time with you as you needed to grieve. I am also very sorry to hear about your childhood, you deserved so much love. You will always have mine. It’s been a year since your comment and I hope there has been healing in your life. If not, start now.. and take all the help you can. Lots of love.
Oh sweetheart how I wish I could kiss you hug awesome good night God bless you baby and I will be praying for you. Everything is gonna be OK. You will get through this because you’re strong and
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any children so I can't fathom the pain you must be going through. Take as long as you need, there's no time limit for grief.
I'm 37 and after years of therapy I'm still not capable of making healthy decisions when it comes to intimate relationships. There is improvement, but it also seems that I have to stumble over every time again and it's taking months or even longer to work through the emotional stuff once more. I have some very strong friendships though. I cherish those more than everything. They are the lights in the dark.
I'm 60 now, Dad still treats me like I don't matter to him: wasting my time waiting for him. He's pathetic and only cares what strangers and his cronies think about him. His attitude problem, not mine.
This was very necessary! Very validating to someone like me, who has come to realise that 'emotional neglect' in my childhood is the source of my toxic attachments, need to please, negative self image, and let's be real here, even sexual desires. Only recently have I come to realise the full extent of my rebellious teenage behaviour as testing how far I could go before my parents would show me that they cared.
As a grown man I have no idea how to share with others my feelings, opinions or interests. Growing up in a particularly "cold" household I got used to people around me not caring about what I like or dislike so I don't ever feel the need to share anyting, but when I do... I can't find any words for it and feel inadequate.
Or fearing you’ll get ignored again when you do. I have neglect trauma both from home and from people outside home, when they ignore you all the time, for me it happened bc of racism
This was my childhood experience. Fast forward a few years and we have depression, anxiety and several suicide attempts. Leading on to two decades of drug addiction and self loathing. I am only just beginning to understand and recover from this now that I have had years of therapy. Fast forward a few more years and I am a volunteer for a mental health charity and a trainee counsellor. This is a deeply misunderstood form of abuse. Usually from parents that were themselves neglected as children. But, we can break that cycle if we can start to heal and understand ourselves. You’re loved 🙌❤️
When I grew up, my brother and sister would not acknowledge my presence in any room and would never speak to me (or to each other). I was the youngest child. My mom was the only real human but she was cold and extremely busy although she was not malicious. She was kind. My father had no emotion and did not like his kids. He was never there. Never was hugged by either parent and they never said they loved me. I told two people growing up that my brother and sister never ever spoke to me, and my friends did not believe me. From that point forward, I never told anyone because I realized it was simply unbelievable. I spent my life having zero confidence in myself, not being able to speak in public and having panic attacks.
I'm 74 and was born with Cerebral Palsy and autism because my mother took abortifacients because she didn't want me. I survived and trapped her in a marriage she didn't want. She married my Dad expecting to get a widow's pension; because he enlisted as a medic in WWII. I experienced both abuse and neglect my entire life. It was always my fault. I'm never good enough. I don't know why therapists thought blaming me would make anything better. I know that I can't change what was done to me. I can only change how I deal with it. And, there's a lot of it. I thank you for showing me what is real. I could not have survived if I accepted reality as a vulnerable dependent child. I was constantly told that everyone would be better off if I killed myself. I was also told that I would outgrow my birth defects if I worked hard at speech therapy and improving my bad self. When I reached puberty, I declared I had outgrown my birth defects. I wouldn't accept reality. I pretended to be normal and tried to hide my failures and stare down anyone who drew attention to them. I learned to walk pretty well but still had a wiggle. People were always accusing me of trying to be Marilyn Monroe. I also misspeak and correct myself but people accuse me of being a liar. I developed really self-defeating coping mechanisms including a relentless cheerful optimism that I could overcome any obstacle. I found myself in relationships or turned relationships into trying to make myself worthy of not being mistreated. I have finally begun to change by radical acceptance of reality. This video revealed a lot of realities for me. Thank you.
How articulate x what a powerful story. I don’t know if it’s true but I’ve heard from some that we pick the life we are born in to, we choose the challenges and learn the lessons here on earth and then the soul grows. Then the next life you pick is perhaps completely different when you overcome this life’s challenges.
Ahhh. My heart goes out to you. People are so cruel. I don’t know why we are all so damaged and just hurt each other when in reality everyone wants to love and be loved. Something is wrong with this place
You have a right to be here, as much as the moon and the stars, as much as any other sentient being in the universe, you have a right to be here. Shame on the people who told you otherwise, shame on them for projecting their issues onto you so they could attempt to avoid their own internal discomfort. I am sorry your caregivers failed you, you deserved so much better. In spite of everything, you are clearly a phenomenal person with extraordinary strength. Your resourcefulness is remarkable, you have a lot to be proud of. The things you're speaking of are extremely difficult to face, but I hope that you find peace. 💜
hugs to everyone here. personally this concept has only sunk in me just tonight, then a "highlight reel" of emotional regret started playing in my mind. this is one of the many reasons why i can never maintain a relationship with other people. because i never had, have, and will have a reference point for what a "nourishing" relationship is.
Every time I go to my childhood memories all I feel is disconnection. From both of them. My father was an alcoholic and my mother really codependent. She never interacted with me or my siblings. We were invisible. There's an image in this video that screams "I exist"... I believe that as an adult all I do it's oriented to find people's approval and feel that I exist. I have been thinking about the notion of love too. I tought the only time I gave unconditional love was to my mother and it was never reciprocated. Lately I've been entertaining the idea that maybe I don't have to call it love, it was just my survival instinct distorting my reality to protect her image. But then, what is love? What I can see is that I have wasted many years and energies trying to find love in a romantic partner, only to find familiarity (now, thanks to this channel in part I know better). At the end, there's nothing out there to fill this void. I must starting exploring it from the inside.
This is great insight. Growing up I was numb and unable to form social bond or express emotions. All I felt was anger however it transitioned into internal warfare when I somehow learn to shift and open this emotional aspect of myself. I could no longer let myself get angry because I believe it breeds destruction to social bond. When anger wasn't my predominant emotion, it changed into fear. Fear of hurting other people and this leads me to depression and a lack of self importance. When you are angry at least you assert yourself, now I feel I'm diminishing myself and let other people's world be an authority. I like the insight you said about this distorted view of love towards your parents. It's like going back to the same turf and you have no option but be good or else the familial bond will fail. And boy,,,, it depresses me to the bone. I want out yet cohabiting with another human being is incapacitating because it requires great amount of vulnerability and trust
What is love, indeed? I used to be my mother's favourite child, probably because I made myself as invisible as possible. For years I believed to love her so very strongly. Now I don't know. It hurts so much to say, but I just don't know if I love her. There is so much emptiness. Especially since I broke with (her) religion, it feels like there is nothing left that could keep us together.
@@honingbijtje83 if you want the truth but I warn you there is no going back it will be given to you in case of religion, world everything on why yet it is a jaw breaker you might be very disappointed too if you want more, actually what you will find you knew it all along but still couldn’t believe it. Afterwards though you will find the courage to embrace anything and accept the why on everything easily and realize the balance in universe.
My mother was one of those who you could tell never really wanted kids and she shows that with her mindset and the way she is. She provides everything me and my siblings need but everything seems like it revolves around her feelings and what she cares about! She always focuses more on the man in her life then us
The best career advice that I learned is don’t ever attach your-self to a PERSON, a place, a company, an organization or a project. Only Attach your-self to your mission in life and your PURPOSE. That’s how you keep your power and keep your peace!
@@mulimotola44 I do agree with that, but there's a balance that we need to have. I think he's saying don't attach yourself because you will end up getting hurt. Like if you attach yourself to your family and childhood, you won't be able to move forward if it was toxic.
What was and is even more hurtful and damaging is that the omission of hugs, genuine and authentic expressions of feelings, and the silence were ALLL NOTICED, WITNESSED AND IGNORED by the other adults around you, including school teachers, counselors, and even your friends' parents.
lmao same. As far as I've learned coping begins with your inner guidance-system. You need a clue of who you are, what your values are, etc. Parents lack to give you a feeling of wrong or right, thus invalidation. And I believe you're best helped with your own value system, like "what do I like, what do I not like?" artistically spoken "draw a 2D figure of what you are with clear lines and shapes" and also meditation and stuff because it helps noticing your own body, noticing your own "shape" your physical boundaries against the world. What also helps me a lot is cleaning, because it has an instant impact on the outside world, which you are responsible for. Also (sounds weird) but occasionally chatting on dating platforms, because no matter what happens, people tend to ask you questions about yourself which helps you think about yourself and define yourself through social interactions.
@@cappuchino_creations that would definitely only be something that would help women.. Online dating sites are a completely deflating and negative experience in regards to anyone with self worth or value issues..
They usually recommend therapy. Which I agree. It's a safe person, professional, who can help reorganize these feelings and thoughts, throw new light at this life long subject.
i can't tell if i've been emotionally neglected. My parents showed me love by buying me stuff and occassional hugs when i "acted normal". But as soon as I show the slightest bit of negative action/behaviour (getting reasonably upset/crying) they act cold and want me to shut up. So nowadays when i feel sad i sometimes rely on my friends or i just keep it to myself. Strangely enough, my parents find it annoying when i don't tell them my problems.
Yeah parenting 101: Be a complete asshole towards your child and once they stop trusting and relying on you, bitch about their apathetic behaviour AS IF YOU HADN’T CAUSED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I wish I could give all of your younger selves a hug and reassure you you’re worthy of love. I hope you all know we are not responsible for the actions of our caretakers. We are enough as we are. Simply acknowledging and accepting we were emotionally neglected is a start. I hope you all find peace, love, and a way to connect with your inner child in a way that brings you joy. I love you all, it’s going to be okay. I’ll be your friend
People need to seriously consider if they are 100% willing to commit to raising a child. If you don't want a child, don't have one. This is why people should be pro-choice and birth control and abortion should be easily accessible. Don't bring a child into this world just to cause it pain.
I want a child and it’s my dream. When I look at kids I tear up. But I made a decision that I will never have one. I’m still dealing with my traumas and I don’t think it’s fair to bring a child into this world anyway. I know I would love it and I would be emotionally available for them unlike my parents but what about my anxieties and ptsd? How do I know I somehow won’t damage my own child.
yeah when they thru in alcohol I thought " well fuk me ". I lost my mother when I was 9 and dad is a narcissist . Hold on brother just the fact your watching this stuff means your figuring it out .
I cried a lot because I relate so much... and as the girl was giving examples of emotional neglect atitudes from parents, I saw myself in the examples... And Hurts so much but its also relieve, because I finally can see that the problem wasnt me, at all! Thanks for that!
just got diagnosed with a fear of abandonment due to emotional neglect as a child yesterday. it’s nice to know i’m not crazy, that what i thought all along about myself is true.
Watching this video, I felt this sense of struggle between feeling emotional neglect and the guilt for feeling that way especially when I've been provided the basics of survival needs by my parents. I know they did what they can with the best intent but I hated their dysfunctional relationship. Looking back, I see mostly memories of them arguing, my mom crying and me having to console her. Then the following days or weeks of cold war between them. I didnt realised this but I think the desperation to resolve my sense of emotional neglect is manifesting as this strong desire to be in a relationship to fill that void of wanting to be cuddled, kissed and consoled.
@@tegarhanif3007 imagine being born because people read words then revolved their lives around said words and brought the kids into it without the kids growing up and choosing for themselves.
This is how my ex-husband was towards our daughter. Living in the same house, but never really there, apathetic, resentful. Missed birthdays, never a goodnight hug or a story. No eye contact, or acknowledgment. I realized too late that I chose an emotionally unavailable partner, because I had grown up with neglect myself. Luckily, everything is great now! My child has a strong support system. I’m healing myself and my ex is working towards a better relationship with his daughter. If we heal our wounds we don’t have to repeat old patterns, we don’t have to pass those things on to our kids.
My Dad couldn’t relate to me as a young child. He always seemed annoyed by me.. our relationship changed as I got older and could have more grown up conversations with him. I even learned how to make him laugh. I eventually told him how I felt as a child. And he said no he was never disappointed in me.I felt good that I could tell him that and that he received it well and not defensively. He’s gone now and I do miss seeing him and talking. We really had a good adult relationship. But I’m a middle aged woman now and I can see how it really affected my self esteem and the men I choose to have relationships with. I just keep repeating the pattern if finding men who are indifferent or reject me on some level over and over.
I don't think I was emotionally neglected as a kid, but my parents were always really dismissive of me having emotional outbursts, or really distress at all, and the was the expectation to not feel, or if I did, to not let it affect me and to either ignore it or address it privately and quietly. I'm pretty okay, I think, but I still feel terrible for showing emotions, since my brain tells me I'm being a burden.
" A crucial part of the psychologycal life is the disinclination of any child to thing that there is something wrong with its parent , it will go to almost any length to prevent the idea emerging that its parent may be mentally unwell or fundamentally brutish " really enlightening point , thanks !
I was heavily neglected as a Child. Alcoholic father and an emotionally absent mother I was never told we're proud of you, or given a hug. I was scolded, smacked, hit, and hurt. My father was an authoritarian and my mother a willing accomplice for her own survivial. Of my siblings I'm the oldest and the only one to have moved out, moved on, and not been committed to a psychiatric institute. I find in lovers she needs to be kind, caring, emotionally attentive, and have that special spark of life only some people have. My need for emotional connection is palpable.
My mother started to stop hugging me when she met my step father. It was as if I didn't exist anymore. What's more he was unkind with me and she never protected me from his bad behaviour towards me. But now as an adult It's okay no problem. I cleared my traumas and feel stronger than ever. It can take time to purge the mind from the suffering but you can tell yourself that the suffering can be optional because anyway things happened this way and you can't change the story
I just turned 18 three days ago. These past few months have been very rough because I always thought there's something wrong with me. I am very distant with my family and friends and feel empty inside. My parents' neglect has affected me and manifested in low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, and emptiness. I am trying to heal so I can be a better person, I wish everyone good luck on their journey. Healing is not a process and it will never end
I had similar feelings as you. I would like to share something with you which I didn't realize until I was much older. I spent many years of my adulthood blaming my parents for how my life turned out. They are to blame for my childhood but only I had control of my adulthood and of my life, but I gave my power over to them. Don't make the same mistake as I, move away from them if you have to and put all your energy on yourself and on making the best of your life that you can. You are worth it!
I’ve grown up with mild but constant forms of emotional neglect and gaslighting/ bullying from my parents and it’s resulted in about 6 years of depression, anxiety, and some personality issues. The main thing to overcoming my illnesses have been acknowledging them. When I was 13-17 I would deny that I was in need of help because my life is perfect and everyone I know seems to be worse off. Discovering school of life this year, and going to therapy after an outburst of unbearable mental illness has improved my life for the better. I was emotionally mature before but it’s really helped me understand where my problems have come from and how to acknowledge things that I didn’t know had hurt me. Thank you school of life for educating me.
This woman's voice fits perfect on this video, soft and calm talking about something that for most people is irrelevant yet that in reality has a tremendous impact on ours lives.
When I was 2 years old I was bubbly, always smiling, talkative, laughing and completely full life. I was so smart that I could pull a chair up to the tv, insert a VHS tape, watch the tape, pull the chair back to rewind the tape and watch it again. At 3 years old I started getting screamed at to my face. For all of my life I have never cared about anything. I have never had any confidence. I have never had any motivations. I've never wanted to do anything but escape reality in any way possible. Until about high school I was a completely hollow and empty shell of a person who felt no emotions and was completely dead inside. Listening to music helped me feel feelings. I still have no motivations and slog through every day of life. I don't want to wake up every day. I don't want to do anything. Being aware of all the limitless potential that my life possessed being chewed up and spit into the garbage has only made it worse. I am 30 years old. I still have my whole life ahead of me. And it means nothing. "You should just choose to have a better attitude." Where exactly was my choice as a 3 year old being screamed at? No Choice Involved. I have pictures of when I was a happy kid and looking at it is like looking at a picture of somebody else because I've never known that person.
This is also me. Reading the comments make me cry as much as this video. I did some therapy, but recently I talked to a new therapist. I'm really trying to find a solution... And it's true that i'm always trying to calm my feelings with something to watch or distract myself but, by doing that all the time, I am not living my real life. With this pandemic, it's worst. I don't have the energy to really act and furfill my dreams, to permit myself to live and exist. Because my existence was invisible for so long.
My parents interacted a lot with me, but it was always about topics they were interested in. There was never much time to talk about the things that mattered to me. I had to rush, not be boring, and be deserving of the limited time they offered. Emotional neglect isn't so easily recognized. Sometimes it's as mundane as "hurry up and speak so we can get back to the more important topics."
My mother adopted another child and then completely forgot about me . I saw her giving him nicknames loving him supporting me and doing everything i always wanted to do with her. Every kind word she's given every small talk she has with her every 'How was school sweetie' and 'Dear do you need something ' always makes my heart rench . Why did i have to beg for my mothers love but someone else got it for nothing. Every small talk i try to have is replaced by how's your brother I have work or no response and its heart breaking.She got another child but how can i get another mother
I just recently realized that I have this problem of emotional neglect and I received it throughout my childhood ,this video just confirmed it perfectly
to everyone one here. you're not alone. the life doesnt stop because you had awful parents. go on. get attached to life that this fact doesn’t matter anymore. fuck the things you were not able to choose. remember you are better than them. and you're in this life for a reason. please use your pain as a fuel, for your dreams. you don't owe them anything. go on with life.
I was emotionally neglected by my father and loved by my mother. But later in my early teens my mother got into a new relationship and ended up emotionally neglecting me as well. She seemed far more interested in her new boyfriend than she did in me. When I told her how I felt she would lash out as me. To this day, neither f them really feel like they did anything wrong. I now have abandonment issues and feel like I must constantly change myself.
Dear Wildflower, I am sorry this happened to you. Please get help. It can be hard to find the right therapist but keep trying. My mom provided me with the basics but no hugs, smiles or interest in me. Her treatment of me as an adult was one of indifference mingled with occasional harshness and slights. It was very hard for me to reconcile the mom of my childhood with the mom of my adulthood. I finally realized that when I was a kid she was just fulfilling an obligation she probably ha never wanted. When I grew up, she just wanted me to go away. It is not your fault was not there for you. I hope you can learn to provide yourself with the love you deserve. As adults we only have ourselves. If we are lucky we may find a good mate. BUT do not sell yourself short just to have someone. Learn to love yourself first. Then if someone comes along who can provide extra love you will recognize the rightness of it.
My childhood has been every way exploited, be it violence or rape, emotional neglectes or witnessing domestic violence, you say it. And till now I suffer so much, till now I'm neglected by my parents. Life is difficult man
Wow, you must be so strong, but if you're here, you must be thinking the total opposite. Those contradictions are funny.. I hope you can see how strong you really are
My mother hated me and ignored me when I was young, now that I'm older she's annoying as hell. Always calling monitoring what I'm doing. I find it very annoying and abusive. She'll ask how's work and then proceed to tell me all about her life as if I care.
This sounds like defense mechanism to me, either reaction formation or overcompensation. But, could potentially be a narcissist, but I would say from this little info that is jumping the gun :). I am sorry to hear this though, I can only try and imagine what that may have been like for you. My mother has been pretty emotionally unavailable throughout my childhood, but I wouldn't say that she hated me. :( She was mainly struggling with severe PTSD and Treatment Resistant Depression.
Omg this also my story. Did your mom treated you like your were here friend? More like she wants you to be on her side of the story and tells you all the (family) drama
A friend once told me “don’t kick the vending machine” if you come to someone who you care deeply about to share a interest you have but are always dismissed without change. Give them the small things you don’t care about and hold the things that made you happy to yourself
This is me. My parents are both survivors of awful childhood trauma, everything was about their suffering. My dad met me once and never bothered to keep up the contact with me. Nobody in my family reached out to wish me happy birthday or see how I was doing. My mom has BPD and we are currently not talking because I can’t deal with her manipulative ways. I’m actually estranged from my entire family and I have always relied on friends for good times and companionships- they’ve always come through. What has really kept me going is strong spiritual contemplation, and a feeling of zest for the experience of being alive- enjoying the adventures of what life has to offer.
Same here! The girl's voice is soothing as well, in her own unique way. For those too attached to de Botton's voice, they're just a click away from other SOL's videos featuring only Alain's voice.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 Ehem, it sounds a little belittling to hint at her "young" age not qualifying her for dispensing life advice. Her voice sounds young, but maybe she's older than her voice sounds. She's perhaps a better adult than some (indeed, most) of the older adults here. She's reading out the script she was provided, just like Alain de Botton himself. And isn't it a very sad irony that we, older adults, are swarming in here to weep and sob to heal our inner children that were so neglected when we were actual children? Did she steal your toy? I'll give you my truck if that makes you feel better.
If I could chose I'd go for the male one... but I can't really say why... I personally like the sound of the voice a bit more... maybe I find it more calming. But she does a great job and the message get's delivered... an that is what counts 👌
I said it was ironic, not displeasing. These problems became rampant as a side effect of the Baby Boomers/Me Generation supposed enlightenment colliding with immersive technology substituting real human expression. For every video game played, there isn't a father teaching his son how to build a model airplane. For every pizza delivered, there isn't a family meal at grandmas house.
This is me. Growing up I had no idea of course. No hugs. No I love you. I grew up feeling ugly and defective. And it ruined my life. I had a nervous break down in college and fell into depression until finding antidepressants which only numbed over the inner pain and self hatred… It’s too late to fix the damage… My parents were emotionally damaged themselves so they had no idea… Love is indeed the most important thing
Man that really sucks....Does your country have atleast a helpline??? It's not therapy but atleast someone can listen to you for free. And they probably can help you find an inexpensive therapist.
Can you find a meditation group? They are often free to people on a low income and the skills you learn are exactly the same as the ones you need to parent yourself. Don't be ashamed and feel pressured to donate if one is asked, it's asked of people that can afford it so that people like you don't have to and it's ok to say no. I've had long periods where I couldn't afford therapy, and occasional short stretches when I could. In my experience, therapists are very hit and miss and often overestimate their ability to make an impact. Useful, yes, but not the only way to heal, or even the best way.
One day i've seen a mother telling her child "come here, love", and it felt like someone was trying to squeeze my heart. I couldn't even look at them. Now at 36 i still feel the need for some affection, but i am not able to accept or to appreciate it. Fuck
@@wile123456 It is in fact possible to break the cycle, it is just super hard and takes long work. You could also win olympics, just as difficult, but does everyone try it? No, because they do not care. Dedication is a luxus if you first gotta deal with psychological damage
I'm 38 and only became aware of this a year ago. I struggle with "how to cope" - I was hoping this would be more definite in do x, y & z. Thank you for posting this.
I’m guilty of this as a parent. I had my son at 19, I went to school and worked and raised him by myself… I had postpartum depression which then turned into regular depression…. when I came home from work I didn’t have the energy to entertain him or play with him… I often dismissed him. I can honestly say I regret it. He’s 8 now and he’s so unsure of himself, he is emotionally unstable, and it’s MY FAULT. I’ve learned and I’m constantly doing everything I can to heal him, and let him know he matters and I see him. I still feel horrible for not noticing sooner.
What a great channel, please keep putting out more encouraging and educational videos. I'm just 16 but I was blessed with great parents, but a lot of my acquaintances and friends were not. Not because their parents are evil and don't love them but because they too weren't educated about proper parenting. Most people nowadays are emotionally neglected and that's sad, but we all must become greater from our suffering! Use your pain to become stronger with a softer heart, you have my support! Good luck, one day at a time
It's so hard. If you cut them out of your life so they stop stabbing you emotionally with their venomous games, they will play victim. The entire family will be enlisted as flying monkeys and turned against you. If you keep them in your life, you will suffer for decades unless you set very firm and high boundaries and study how to have conversations with narcissists. They don't think like normal people, and it takes an entirely different conversational style and reaction pattern to manage them at all. Learning how to go grey rock (boring, boring, boring), not to volunteer info that will be used against you later, not to get sucked into the games of allowing them to give you money (which always has strings attached, as you will soon learn), how not to permit gaslighting, how to protect your emotional health, etc., etc. It takes a lot of learning to deal with these mothers. And even more to recover from all the childhood emotional abuse, to value and honor yourself and your needs. Lisa A. Romano has a program, as do some other folks. Wishing you all the best, please honor your own needs and reduce contact as much as possible. It's critical. Their parasitic nature and need to oppress can bleed you dry if you don't set boundaries. I can recommend some books on recovering from these kinds of mothers, although they are written for daughters the exercises should be healing for sons as well. YOU MATTER. PROTECT YOUR HAPPINESS!! EXIT IF YOU NEED TO. You can't save those who refuse to admit they have issues, and you've suffered too much already.
What makes it worse for me is that my Dad was a great dad, he really loved and cared for me and would encourage me to do things. I got into gaming and hockey cards thanks to him, my mom only did things cause my dad wanted her to do things for me. When he was out of the picture, she grew cold and distant, it was like someone swapped her out for some alternative reality version of my mother. She still did some stuff with me, all while pretending I didn't exist. It didn't help she married another man that also pretended I didn't exist, I hate that the neglect I suffered from lead to me developing chronic illnesses due to a tic bite that they didn't care about. It took so long to understand this, It was cause I was left alone to fend for myself and I had no one to lift the blindness that I was suffering from. When I talked to my brother recently, I have to agree with him that it would have been better if we got orphaned. At least then, maybe we would have had the chance of actually having parents that cared for us.
My mother was and still is, emotionally unavailable. I grew up feeling I was somehow permanently at fault. I know now that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me, and I look forward to the day that I am free of her for good.
My goodness, this struck a chord This is an excellent piece I have learnt that emotional neglect as discussed here leaves you with a heightened perception This can add to your existing pain, but learning to see such perception as it blessing and not as a curse will radically change your life Easy to say, hard to do for those of us who have suffered emotional neglect, but I promise it works
Yes, but some of us received a combination of ignoring, emotional manipulation, and physical stuff too. Not just neglect. Is important to remember that is way more complicated of an issue than it first appears. and the parents themselves also neglect themselves etc.
I was just thinking about this today (the depressive gloom of February has yet to lift). I had older siblings and I was often excluded, my parents did nothing to mediate, they had their relationship issues. My unhappiness at school was interpreted as insolence (not paying attention), the teachers’ lack of emotional intelligence was damaging. I have built up ‘resilience’ to manage my feelings, but it is often interpreted as independence or not wanting the company of others. I describe it as a ‘carapace’.
I started to heal after I pulled myself away from my parents and relatives to live on my own, my confidence I would say these days are super high (borderline grandiose) back when I lived at home I lost my identity and I used to hate myself, only thing I still struggle with are emotions, I still cannot access them no matter how hard I try and the emptiness is still ever so presence. It dosent feel bad, would describe it as a constant feeling of being content, but it feels like something is missing and sometimes I feel weird. I was also raised to be perfect and that still haunt me. Benefits from those eternal mental scars is that it made me super independant and mentally strong (in other peoples eyes) because I don't express emotions. Peoples I meet somehow see me as a rolemodel that they want to mirror (especially younger peoples), I so badly want to tell them what I had to go through in order to be the person I am today. But I just cannot aknowledge those flaws in me and be emotionally vulnerable with peoples, so I just pretend and let them form their own opinion of me. Letting them belive im perfect when infact im the opposit. It is very sad for me to see other peoples wanting to be like me when in reality I was just raised by parents that emotionally neglected me. While they are were raised in a healthy home.
This is exactly my childhood. My mom was always behind my sister back and when she moved out her attention moved on her lover and lately on her new partner. Never spoke to me unless it was to impose her wants on me or to punish me. Rarely told me nice things or cared about what I liked (most of the times she would only judge them badly). The thing that saved me was to not care about her too. We live together but we look like roommates. Same thing for my father. Their attention was always on other thing or people, but me.
When I was around eleven or twelve, I started having these hateful thoughts. I questioned myself over and over “Why do I have so many things I don’t deserve?”, “There are many people who would be better without me”, “It is not right that I am given this much attention and help”. Now I recognize this is not normal, but I can’t help but to feel useless and replaceable when I do something wrong, and I tend to mess up A LOT. So I started questioning where these beliefs were coming from. My parents are good. They are caring, responsible and trustful, but I won’t deny that I sometimes feel like they mock my negative reactions, or give little importance to what i think and say... they are disrespectful and sometimes unpredictable. I’m still trying to figure us out though.
I never knew I needed this. Just one hour ago, I was questioning myself, where I am lacking because no matter how hard I try, I won't ever receive the love I so wanted to have since I was a kid. And now this video popped up as if it was reading my mind all along. My mother loves the elder sibling and showers endearments like hugs but she never turns around to even glance at me. She is always quick to say that she loves me(just as all parents do) but my point is whether she likes me as a person. I want to be acknowledged as a daughter, an individual but this ignorance and the way I am made to feel non existent is so painful. It hurts so bad.And it is so true that I won't share this with anyone who knows me because I don't want to cut a sorry figure. And perhaps I wouldn't have written all of it here or maybe delete the whole thing later on. But the timing today was like a force. I was purposely denying the fact that I am unloved. And suddenly this video and it broke a dam and I had to put some of it down here just to retain my peace of mind
I empathize with you. You are important and you are worth moving. May us all who had parents who refused to see us, may we show others that we see them
I’ve been realizing this is my problem the last few yrs. Seems I’ve felt with this neglect and invisible feeling for a good 25 yrs. Last 3 yrs are torture. Family doesn’t give a damn no matter how I try and explain. I’ve decided I have to drop all of them and move on as best as I can. Very tiring and very rough. I hate this feeling and hope things end asap. Can’t deal much longer and I just need it over.
We grow up to be adults who refuse to get close to anyone with fear of being rejected! Thank goodness I didn’t do that with my gyals! I made sure to love them & made sure they knew they were important as they were my babies
Being raised by two neurodivergent parents who aren't self-aware of their own challenges has a similar effect: A kid that doesn't get their emotional needs met, not because of malice but because each parent doesn't recognise the needs and is doing their best (a young child often can't verbalise what's lacking or that they're not coping). You can't blame these otherwise loving parents for not knowing differently, but the resulting children can really struggle 😟
What is the opposite of love? Hate... Right? Very straightforward answer, a natural answer that first comes to mind. But no. The opposite of love is Indifference. If you hate something, its because it does in some way matter to you. Often hate, derive from something people used to love, but it changed in a way that hurts them, that frustrates them. Its the twisted vision of what they love, disturbing. But not indifference Indifference is cold, harsh, like shouting your pain to the abyss, only to hear echoes of your frustrations unanswered by neither comfort or shunning.
Yup, Mum never had time to look at a drawing or essay I did despite her not having to go out to work. Yet she found time to criticize us....funny that! And then many (not all though) school mates, college mates and work mates also treated me like I was worthless.
My grandmother told me once that she felt bad for me because when I got put on time outs I was so well behaved that my parents forgot about me completely. Hours later she would check on me and find me sleeping. I would simply entertain myself alone and then eventually knock out. My sister was never forgotten in this way because she spent her entire time out asking to be let off. It was so annoying my parents couldn't forget she was there, lol. I learned as a kid to self soothe alone through distraction, mostly reading fantasy. I spent much of my early and mid teens up a tree with a book. It was the only place I could go where I wouldn't be interrupted. My room wasn't truly my space, as my mom came and went as she pleased and would move in and out of my room depending on how she felt about my dad. My sister wasn't any better, being incredibly invasive and rather forceful in seeking attention. All I wanted was to be left alone, because being alone was the safest way to be.
By the way ... when I was a neglected child and later as an adult comparing my experiences with those of others close to me, I recognized that my opportunities to play were rather few. I had not learned the lessons of the game correctly, having fun, making jokes, knowing how to lose, lowering my social anxiety or not worrying about the results are things that I have learned again and I think it could be a valuable tool to get out of the state of neglect. Maybe another video of this could be useful? Thanks a lot!
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Please, we need you Alan! Your voice was so special, calm and deep... Can you not find another narrator? Her voice is too sharp and I started watching the episodes muted and with subtitles to be able to finish them... Before, in times of need, I just listening your video and felt relieved after it...
@@Lemoncake7027 Qqqqqqpq😂o
If and when you ever make a video about severe child abuse, please confer with those who’ve survived it first so you don’t alienate them at their expense.
So many people seem to benefit from videos like yours, but your insight will inevitably be limited in this regard unless you survived it yourself as a child.
🥂
So relatable.
The AI voice-over, kills the sentiment of what you're trying to achieve.
This is me. I grew up in a perfectly normal, decent family. I had all the basics in life, and a bit more. Except for emotions. Both my parents are highly closed off, each in its own way. My father felt like an impenetrable wall, without a gate. My mother felt like a wounded animal, vulnerable, distrusting and prone to lash out at the same time. Emotional expression, from cuddles and hugs to talking about feeling, was not done at home.
I was always sensitive to these tensions and realities, and adjusted by suppressing my emotions deeply, by stopping to talk about them. I did so unconsciously; I was a child, learning blindly about the ways of the world the way a child does. How could I have known there were other ways of doing this? This was my universe.
The results were subtle at first, but built up over the years. Low self-esteem, an inability to express my emotions or to ask others for help. Depression and darker thoughts.
I am on a path of healing and growing. I have been on this path for years, and expect to be walking it for years to come. But it is worth it: here I am, writing about it to you all, not ashamed, not hiding. I would not have been able to do this ten years ago, or even five.
I am 44 now. In some crucial ways, my life indeed did begin at (around) 40. Here's to the future. May it be full of love and space for me, just the way I am.
Love to you all, and especially to those whose life stories in some ways resemble mine.
Me too. Life started at 33, I'm just now learning self-love and life doesn't seem quite so bad anymore 💙
@@KevlarKoat Thanks for your response and good to hear that. We are learning and growing.
The most important is that you finally see yourself and made your own place by taking part of the real world you want for you.
@@teresabtc5022 Thank you Teresa. Working on that, it's a labor of years. But yes, I do see myself more than I ever have before and I do my best to take part in that world that I hope for.
If I may ask, are you speaking here from a place of personal experience?
@@harmenbreedeveld8026 I am just curious about human behavior and believe everyone has a chance to catch his/her life back. With wisdom and resilience, we can all get our own sanity and inner peace
I was fed, watered, clothed with a roof over my head. The basics. That’s about it. Not very wholesome. Apathy aplenty. Never really flourished. I struggle with life as an adult. Terribly insecure with low self esteem. Still working on it.
Hang in there. Seek God. It will get better for you. Promise. Been there, done that.
"I was fed, watered, clothed with a roof over my head" was my Dad's go-to response to _any_ criticism. He always used it as justification for every negative thing he did...Like dude, making sure I don't starve and have a place to protect me from the elements is the _bare minimum_ of parenting, that's shit you're supposed to do. Everything you listed is also available in prison, lol.
you're not alone..
@@anthonyitaliano7316 yes! Plus, it's not like he'd be living on the streets if it wasn't for you. Most parents actually only work for themselves, to have their house, their food, and the children happen to be just extra. But it's not like they devoted their lives to raise the children, as many would say they did...
the human story. that we can actually nurse the emotional injuries with unique tools.
I stopped worrying about it when I realized that I was a better person than my parents in basically every way.
Hmm
Thanks man
But what happens when you want to save them?
@@michaelbell1554 don't
@@adudeontheinterweb6571 why not?
my whole body is shaking as i watch this. emotional neglect is dangerous because no one really pays attention to it. it’s super hidden
TRue words, Abbz. It is hidden indeed. Especially because of that it's so important (and yet hard) to work yourself through this, because if people don't notice, they cannot help :/
I keep noticing "stressed" body language from myself as I watch this. 😬
i see you, Abbz! for whatever it's worth just wanted to share with you that i see you
True words. A lot of people think it’s not an actual thing to go through cuz many don’t talk abut it yk. Some ppl actually show genuine emotion and care for their child. Those who don’t know what that looks like. When we get into a relationship we are left questioning : “is this for the attention or do I genuinely love this person”
True.
I suffered emotional neglect because my mother was (and still is) completely depressed and she only devotes her energy to read the bible. My father was absent looking for love in other women. I was always the best in sport but no one was there to tell me "I am proud of you" "you did great" "you deserve it" "I am here with you." As years passed I started to be less good in sports, mainly because of all my insecurities and low self-steem.
:-( so sorry.
You did great regardless
I went through the same thing except for that my dad was a workaholic. My mom read the Bible, too! 😂😂 I don't remember a single hug, kiss, cuddle from my parents. I'm in my thirties and still suffering from the experience but I'm trying to shake it off and live my life, build my inner self. So sorry for you bud. Hug hug🫂❤️
@@raedf7197 thanks for saying that you experienced something similar, I feel less lonely. I am in early 30s and also trying to get better. I feel angry about what happened to me, I was not conscious until I saw a therapist, I think I am now going through a process of acceptance but it is very hard, I feel anger for the injustice. Everyone always told me that I was lucky because I showed a big smile and exceeded in education work and sports
I’m proud of you for sharing and therefore helping others!
Been in therapy for years and the source of almost all my issues is this. I'm not mad at my parents cause they just didn't know better, but goddamn this has been hard to fix.
I just started therapy this year and I suspected that childhood trauma will be with for the rest of my life.
Check out Gabor Mate books and videos. He’s one of the leading voices on this right now :) ... art and creative expression helped me too... anyways...peace out! Good luck :)
Im in the beginning of a similar journey and if you dont mind I want to ask - did you talk to your parents about the harm they have done and, if you did, how did that go?
You’re doing better than me, King - I don’t care if my parents didn’t know better; I am livid at them being so cavalier with my life, and them having no consequence for it.
@@lornarettig3215 same.
I think is very important to reparent yourself. Nobody should pass their inner child for somebody else to raise. Give yourself everything you are lacking. Unfortunately as much as it sucks to say, the more we expect other people to acknowledge our needs , is not going to happen if it comes from a desperate place
Yup! The more you need others as an adult the more they slip away. Reparenting is the only way.
Yes, but, a therapist will "parent" you and help you fill that void. We can't give ourselves love if we've never received it. A therapist relationship helps give us that love within healthy boundaries, and the trust that they won't abandon you if you get "too needy". That's their job - to help you toward being able to parent yourself.
Such a shame that the truth hurts so much.
So true. I was one of those desperate people. This whole time the love I was looking for is self love. I stopped looking for love externally and found love internally 💖
@@cosmicmuffin322 therapists suck they ditch you after a few sessions, so how can they reparent you, they even say that's not the point of therapy and they certainly don't love you
An unloved child will burn the village to feel its warmth.
Beautiful
Wow
Wow. What a quote.
I altered it a little.
Seems like naruto(anime)
Reparent yourself. You're worth it
How? 😭
@Riku honestly... I have been telling myself that the last 10 years. It just doesn't land on fertile ground 🤷♀️
I want to unconceive.
@@honingbijtje83 - the wound is in your emotional (subconscious) mind, so you have to keep telling yourself this until you start to notice that you are accepting it emotionally. One thing that helps is think of a person that you really like. How would you treat that person? Treat yourself like that. If that person wanted something from you, you’d go through quite a lot to make sure they get it. Do the same for yourself. Also, you wouldn’t be harsh to that person you like, even when you’re disciplining them. So don’t be harsh with yourself. Finally, take care of yourself as you would if you had a child. Regular sleep times, diet, exercise, hydration, cleanliness, and all the other basics. Encourage yourself to make new friends, praise yourself for small accomplishments, tell yourself that you like yourself, try to have a small smile on your face more often than not. Act with yourself as you would with a person you like. And structure your life as you would with your child. There’s more resources available on line. But this is the gist. It’ll feel very unnatural at first, but humor yourself and do it anyway until it starts to feel like second nature. In time, it will. This is a lifelong endeavor. So be your own best friend for life.
you're right. thank you
At 29, the extent of emotional unavailability and stability I was subjected to in my childhood, has taking a horrific toll on me. I want affection so badly; I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and I'm good enough. I'm suffering. And everyday all I dwell on is how much I'm suffering.
Hey, I love you, internet stranger ❤️.
I hope you'll get well soon, emotionally. Cheers!
You are good enough and everything will be OK, dwell on that please, sometimes we have to be kind to ourselves in the absence of good parenting, never to old to have a happy childhood!
What happened happened, and you are not to blame for what happened. It may be time to dwell on the present and take care of yourself. You are here and survived, and despite being battered and bruised, you can survive today, and take care of tomorrow when it comes. Invest your energy and resources in you. Help yourself and care for yourself. Be kind and compassionate to yourself by starting again each day. You can learn new strategies and use tools to help you. You can choose to leave what doesn't help you behind. What you focus on will grow in your life. If you focus on giving yourself the skills you need to meet your material and emotional needs, you will grow and flourish. If you need help get the best you can. Read books about codependency and how to overcome emotional neglect. A good book to start with is: TOXIC PARENTS: OVERCOMING THEIR HURTFUL LEGACY AND RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE By SUSAN FORWARD, PH.D.. Start there and check out the Suggested Reading List in the back. You can get this at the library or on Amazon as it is still in print, and a search there will bring up other books about emotional neglect in childhood and its impact in later life. What I love about this book is that it will provide practical strategies to help you unlearn the dysfunctional beliefs and habits from bad parenting. Not only that, but it doesn't matter if your parents are alive or not. This book can help you. It's time to go home. You've been out in the wilderness too long.
@@BigHenFor thank you so, so much for your advice. I really need to hear this. I will definitely look into this book!
@@suwarnaag thank you! I love you too! ❤️
Hmmmm never had a hug from my parents. I always felt like there's a hole in my heart.
I feel your pain! 😢
What helped me was learning about (cPTSD) Complex PTSD
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
Also ECHOIST
A great website is
parenting.exposed
I was the Scapegoat of the family and now everything makes sense.
It was NEVER me...It was my "parents"
Wishing you well on your journey to discovering your real beautiful self!
Yh some people have it hard. Stay strong
Same:(
Here's a hug 🤗
Same hear :’( unless I asked for it as a child
i just realized that the chronic loneliness and yearning for love and affection that i've always felt started when i was a baby waiting for my parents to finally love me and hold me dear. i've been carrying this feeling and waiting on them for so long that eventually i forgot about it, but it never went away. i'm speechless.
“Numbing out” or being cut off from one's feelings.
like there's something missing, but not being sure what it is.
hollow inside.
Being easily overwhelmed or discouraged.
.
Perfectionism.
Pronounced sensitivity to rejections
Exactly me....i have to numb out on a daily with Mary Jane just to avoid my repulsion to my progenitor.
All above. But I know there is a way.Therapy can help a.lot.
I went 6 years without crying once...so, yeah.
thats called anhedonia when you lose all the pleasure and cant feel anything
@@katarzynalindner594 No not at all lol. Sometimes it gets worse they don't know shit.
Lots of kids whose parents stare at their phones all day are gonna need this video in the near future 😔
Bad take trying to tie negligent parents to smartphones. Seriously why would you even say such a thing probably sitting on your smartphone yourself while writing this?
@patrickking I agree... i see it all the time
@@esthervolkening3568 I'm writing this on my phone, but my kids are already in bed, and I'm not on my phone when I'm around them precisely because I know it makes them feel separated from me. They need my attention, love, and affection, which I can't give them if I'm staring at my phone scrolling through social media seeing if people still like me or not.
@@patrickking9600 Yet that's not what makes a parent a negligent parent. Negligent parents are negligent with or withour smartphones. Smartphones are not what caused people to become bad parents and that narrative is really just upsetting.
@@esthervolkening3568 never said smart phones are what cause bad parents. You’re right, parents can be negligent with or without smart phones. BUT, many _good_ parents don’t even realize how much they ignore their kids because they’re so preoccupied with their phone. That _is_ neglectful behavior, whether they consider themselves to be good parents or not.
Reading the comments seeing people relate to this like I do doesn’t make me feel so alone🙏🏻💗✨
It also makes me so very sad, to see how many people are suffering.
Alyssa, We don't know each other. But I've read your comment and you now exist in my perception and I love how your message feels positive :)
same
One of my more fond memories is of a time in elementary school. I had watched my older brother play through The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on the gamecube and was so inspired by the story, the character, and the plot that I spent the entire night making a little storybook that describes the story and featured my own drawings. I remember folding the notebook paper to make it seem like a little paper book with staples holding the folds shut. I was so proud of that. I thought it was incredible that I could do such a thing. I remember I showed my mom that night. I don't remember anything. No response. No affection. No praising. I took it to school and I just kept rereading what I wrote. I remember the teacher asked me what I had and told her I made this story. I remember her smile and pleasure as she skimmed through my creation. I remember being so happy that someone saw what I did, but I never felt like I had that at home.
Not getting love as a child creates such an empty feeling inside and growing up all I wanted to do was find ways to fill that void. Constantly chasing love and wanting to feel like someone actually cares, doing whatever it takes, but it never goes away, the emptiness never goes away.
I know
Cats and dogs give unconditional.
I can relate to this I hate myself and I’m trying to learn to love myself slowly but it’s challenging because I always feel empty on inside ;-;
:(((( ahhh
it puts a smile on my face to know I'm not alone
To anyone reading this, if you've been through emotional neglect yourself, I want you to know that I have been through it too. And all the people commenting here. And so many more. You are not alone. And it's not your fault. We didn't know that parenting could have been done other way. I am crying so bad right now. My little girl died some days back and my mother expects me to bounce back to normal in 7 days. This is emotional neglect. This is emotional unavailability. I want to grieve, but there are no comforting arms around me and there's no parent to tell me that it's okay to grieve.
I am so sorry Ms. Soumi. I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I can imagine nothing more painful and if I could I would spend as much time with you as you needed to grieve. I am also very sorry to hear about your childhood, you deserved so much love. You will always have mine. It’s been a year since your comment and I hope there has been healing in your life. If not, start now.. and take all the help you can. Lots of love.
Oh sweetheart how I wish I could kiss you hug awesome good night God bless you baby and I will be praying for you. Everything is gonna be OK. You will get through this because you’re strong and
Hugs 🫂 🫶🏽❤❤❤
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any children so I can't fathom the pain you must be going through. Take as long as you need, there's no time limit for grief.
This hit me like a brick. Im 31 and still suffering this through relationships thinking its okay when its not. All due to my upbringing.
I'm your age, and I notice you watched this video and expressed a sentiment I'm feeling less than an hour ago
I'm 37 and after years of therapy I'm still not capable of making healthy decisions when it comes to intimate relationships. There is improvement, but it also seems that I have to stumble over every time again and it's taking months or even longer to work through the emotional stuff once more.
I have some very strong friendships though. I cherish those more than everything. They are the lights in the dark.
Does It happen to you too that you put yourself in relationships (even non romantic) where the other one tends to treat you like disposable asset?
Please do not worry you will heal. Keep faith in God.
I'm 60 now, Dad still treats me like I don't matter to him: wasting my time waiting for him. He's pathetic and only cares what strangers and his cronies think about him. His attitude problem, not mine.
This was very necessary! Very validating to someone like me, who has come to realise that 'emotional neglect' in my childhood is the source of my toxic attachments, need to please, negative self image, and let's be real here, even sexual desires. Only recently have I come to realise the full extent of my rebellious teenage behaviour as testing how far I could go before my parents would show me that they cared.
Yes, sexual desires are also a problem when you suffered emotional neglect, I realised this just very recently, I can feel you
OMG YOU EXPLAINED IT WELL
Wow, this is me too
@@douglascampbell4993 how was it for you? Could you please share a bit your experience?
@@pancholopezpaz What do you mean by sexual desires? As in, how did emotional neglect affect your sexual desires or sex life in general?
As a grown man I have no idea how to share with others my feelings, opinions or interests. Growing up in a particularly "cold" household I got used to people around me not caring about what I like or dislike so I don't ever feel the need to share anyting, but when I do... I can't find any words for it and feel inadequate.
Me too. istruggle to know what I want and like. Have you too "chosen" a favourite flower or sth or "decided" to be friends with someone?
Or fearing you’ll get ignored again when you do. I have neglect trauma both from home and from people outside home, when they ignore you all the time, for me it happened bc of racism
This was my childhood experience. Fast forward a few years and we have depression, anxiety and several suicide attempts. Leading on to two decades of drug addiction and self loathing. I am only just beginning to understand and recover from this now that I have had years of therapy. Fast forward a few more years and I am a volunteer for a mental health charity and a trainee counsellor.
This is a deeply misunderstood form of abuse. Usually from parents that were themselves neglected as children. But, we can break that cycle if we can start to heal and understand ourselves.
You’re loved 🙌❤️
When I grew up, my brother and sister would not acknowledge my presence in any room and would never speak to me (or to each other). I was the youngest child. My mom was the only real human but she was cold and extremely busy although she was not malicious. She was kind. My father had no emotion and did not like his kids. He was never there. Never was hugged by either parent and they never said they loved me. I told two people growing up that my brother and sister never ever spoke to me, and my friends did not believe me. From that point forward, I never told anyone because I realized it was simply unbelievable. I spent my life having zero confidence in myself, not being able to speak in public and having panic attacks.
Jesus loves you so much and He is the bestest friend
I'm 74 and was born with Cerebral Palsy and autism because my mother took abortifacients because she didn't want me. I survived and trapped her in a marriage she didn't want. She married my Dad expecting to get a widow's pension; because he enlisted as a medic in WWII.
I experienced both abuse and neglect my entire life. It was always my fault. I'm never good enough. I don't know why therapists thought blaming me would make anything better.
I know that I can't change what was done to me. I can only change how I deal with it. And, there's a lot of it. I thank you for showing me what is real. I could not have survived if I accepted reality as a vulnerable dependent child. I was constantly told that everyone would be better off if I killed myself. I was also told that I would outgrow my birth defects if I worked hard at speech therapy and improving my bad self. When I reached puberty, I declared I had outgrown my birth defects. I wouldn't accept reality. I pretended to be normal and tried to hide my failures and stare down anyone who drew attention to them. I learned to walk pretty well but still had a wiggle. People were always accusing me of trying to be Marilyn Monroe. I also misspeak and correct myself but people accuse me of being a liar.
I developed really self-defeating coping mechanisms including a relentless cheerful optimism that I could overcome any obstacle. I found myself in relationships or turned relationships into trying to make myself worthy of not being mistreated.
I have finally begun to change by radical acceptance of reality. This video revealed a lot of realities for me. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. You sound like a wonderful intelligent human being.
How articulate x what a powerful story. I don’t know if it’s true but I’ve heard from some that we pick the life we are born in to, we choose the challenges and learn the lessons here on earth and then the soul grows. Then the next life you pick is perhaps completely different when you overcome this life’s challenges.
Ahhh. My heart goes out to you. People are so cruel. I don’t know why we are all so damaged and just hurt each other when in reality everyone wants to love and be loved. Something is wrong with this place
My my. But what wisdom and insight you have!
You have a right to be here, as much as the moon and the stars, as much as any other sentient being in the universe, you have a right to be here. Shame on the people who told you otherwise, shame on them for projecting their issues onto you so they could attempt to avoid their own internal discomfort. I am sorry your caregivers failed you, you deserved so much better.
In spite of everything, you are clearly a phenomenal person with extraordinary strength. Your resourcefulness is remarkable, you have a lot to be proud of. The things you're speaking of are extremely difficult to face, but I hope that you find peace. 💜
hugs to everyone here.
personally this concept has only sunk in me just tonight, then a "highlight reel" of emotional regret started playing in my mind.
this is one of the many reasons why i can never maintain a relationship with other people. because i never had, have, and will have a reference point for what a "nourishing" relationship is.
Every time I go to my childhood memories all I feel is disconnection. From both of them. My father was an alcoholic and my mother really codependent. She never interacted with me or my siblings. We were invisible. There's an image in this video that screams "I exist"... I believe that as an adult all I do it's oriented to find people's approval and feel that I exist. I have been thinking about the notion of love too. I tought the only time I gave unconditional love was to my mother and it was never reciprocated.
Lately I've been entertaining the idea that maybe I don't have to call it love, it was just my survival instinct distorting my reality to protect her image. But then, what is love? What I can see is that I have wasted many years and energies trying to find love in a romantic partner, only to find familiarity (now, thanks to this channel in part I know better). At the end, there's nothing out there to fill this void. I must starting exploring it from the inside.
This is great insight. Growing up I was numb and unable to form social bond or express emotions. All I felt was anger however it transitioned into internal warfare when I somehow learn to shift and open this emotional aspect of myself. I could no longer let myself get angry because I believe it breeds destruction to social bond. When anger wasn't my predominant emotion, it changed into fear. Fear of hurting other people and this leads me to depression and a lack of self importance. When you are angry at least you assert yourself, now I feel I'm diminishing myself and let other people's world be an authority.
I like the insight you said about this distorted view of love towards your parents. It's like going back to the same turf and you have no option but be good or else the familial bond will fail. And boy,,,, it depresses me to the bone. I want out yet cohabiting with another human being is incapacitating because it requires great amount of vulnerability and trust
What is love, indeed?
I used to be my mother's favourite child, probably because I made myself as invisible as possible. For years I believed to love her so very strongly.
Now I don't know. It hurts so much to say, but I just don't know if I love her. There is so much emptiness.
Especially since I broke with (her) religion, it feels like there is nothing left that could keep us together.
@@honingbijtje83 if you want the truth but I warn you there is no going back it will be given to you in case of religion, world everything on why yet it is a jaw breaker you might be very disappointed too if you want more, actually what you will find you knew it all along but still couldn’t believe it. Afterwards though you will find the courage to embrace anything and accept the why on everything easily and realize the balance in universe.
My mother was one of those who you could tell never really wanted kids and she shows that with her mindset and the way she is. She provides everything me and my siblings need but everything seems like it revolves around her feelings and what she cares about! She always focuses more on the man in her life then us
The best career advice that I learned is don’t ever attach your-self to a PERSON, a place, a company, an organization or a project. Only Attach your-self to your mission in life and your PURPOSE. That’s how you keep your power and keep your peace!
How did you learn this?
I love this.
Alone, life is not worth living.
Need to have some social life, with people who also need you for their social life.
@@mulimotola44 I do agree with that, but there's a balance that we need to have. I think he's saying don't attach yourself because you will end up getting hurt. Like if you attach yourself to your family and childhood, you won't be able to move forward if it was toxic.
Self-help BS, healthy attachments are the foundation of good mental health.
This made me bust out crying...and I hardly ever cry. However not in front of anyone, I almost never cry in front of people.
Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than someone noticing me cry.
What hurts the most is my parents act like nothing bad happened. They are so ignorant that they don't even realise what they have done.
Teach them like you learned it❤❤❤❤❤
@@marydunning1722 I don’t speak to my dad at all anymore and my mum occasionally
What was and is even more hurtful and damaging is that the omission of hugs, genuine and authentic expressions of feelings, and the silence were ALLL NOTICED, WITNESSED AND IGNORED by the other adults around you, including school teachers, counselors, and even your friends' parents.
It happened to me. Due to racism
I didn’t find the “how to cope part”
lmao same. As far as I've learned coping begins with your inner guidance-system. You need a clue of who you are, what your values are, etc. Parents lack to give you a feeling of wrong or right, thus invalidation. And I believe you're best helped with your own value system, like "what do I like, what do I not like?" artistically spoken "draw a 2D figure of what you are with clear lines and shapes" and also meditation and stuff because it helps noticing your own body, noticing your own "shape" your physical boundaries against the world. What also helps me a lot is cleaning, because it has an instant impact on the outside world, which you are responsible for. Also (sounds weird) but occasionally chatting on dating platforms, because no matter what happens, people tend to ask you questions about yourself which helps you think about yourself and define yourself through social interactions.
You can find it in the comments at least :)
@@cappuchino_creations that would definitely only be something that would help women..
Online dating sites are a completely deflating and negative experience in regards to anyone with self worth or value issues..
They usually recommend therapy. Which I agree. It's a safe person, professional, who can help reorganize these feelings and thoughts, throw new light at this life long subject.
Last sentence is telling you how to cope
i can't tell if i've been emotionally neglected. My parents showed me love by buying me stuff and occassional hugs when i "acted normal". But as soon as I show the slightest bit of negative action/behaviour (getting reasonably upset/crying) they act cold and want me to shut up. So nowadays when i feel sad i sometimes rely on my friends or i just keep it to myself. Strangely enough, my parents find it annoying when i don't tell them my problems.
Do you think you've been? That's the most important question to ask yourself first.
same
If you’re questioning it it’s probably happened to some extent. There are different levels of neglect and mistreatment.
My mum told me she loved me and smiled on my way to school each day. Doesn’t mean she wasn’t terribly emotionally distant my whole life.
Yeah parenting 101:
Be a complete asshole towards your child and once they stop trusting and relying on you, bitch about their apathetic behaviour AS IF YOU HADN’T CAUSED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I wish I could give all of your younger selves a hug and reassure you you’re worthy of love. I hope you all know we are not responsible for the actions of our caretakers. We are enough as we are. Simply acknowledging and accepting we were emotionally neglected is a start. I hope you all find peace, love, and a way to connect with your inner child in a way that brings you joy. I love you all, it’s going to be okay. I’ll be your friend
Emotional neglect made my inner voice very strong & robust.
Fortunately, it was kind & reassuring when others weren't.
For that, I'm grateful 🙏
I feel absolutely alone in this world. I don't fit in or belong anywhere.
To those who don't belong there is a place too, you are alone, but not lonely, you are not lonely !
Read the comments here, you'll see
I feel you.....
You belong
Feel you deep down. Just know you deserve a lot in this world
Same ;-; like ever time I try get past my comfort zone it’s just gets me and reminds me that I’m different and don’t belong :(
People need to seriously consider if they are 100% willing to commit to raising a child. If you don't want a child, don't have one. This is why people should be pro-choice and birth control and abortion should be easily accessible. Don't bring a child into this world just to cause it pain.
I agree to everything you said!
@ゴEllie your life is worth a million words of love and caress please hold on to it 🥺🥺🥺
Agreed ❤️❤️
Classic trait I’m the same love kids but could never want to have one especially a boy no wonder how this arose. We need to forgive ❤️
I want a child and it’s my dream. When I look at kids I tear up. But I made a decision that I will never have one. I’m still dealing with my traumas and I don’t think it’s fair to bring a child into this world anyway. I know I would love it and I would be emotionally available for them unlike my parents but what about my anxieties and ptsd? How do I know I somehow won’t damage my own child.
This was hard for me to watch
yeah when they thru in alcohol I thought " well fuk me ". I lost my mother when I was 9 and dad is a narcissist . Hold on brother just the fact your watching this stuff means your figuring it out .
You're all so worthy of love and attention ❤️
Yes, to have my thoughts(which I tactfully deny)confirmed.
Same here brother..
Me too. I'm here for therapy. It's so healing.
I read about moral anxiety to this and thought of sol.
I cried a lot because I relate so much... and as the girl was giving examples of emotional neglect atitudes from parents, I saw myself in the examples... And Hurts so much but its also relieve, because I finally can see that the problem wasnt me, at all! Thanks for that!
just got diagnosed with a fear of abandonment due to emotional neglect as a child yesterday. it’s nice to know i’m not crazy, that what i thought all along about myself is true.
Watching this video, I felt this sense of struggle between feeling emotional neglect and the guilt for feeling that way especially when I've been provided the basics of survival needs by my parents. I know they did what they can with the best intent but I hated their dysfunctional relationship. Looking back, I see mostly memories of them arguing, my mom crying and me having to console her. Then the following days or weeks of cold war between them. I didnt realised this but I think the desperation to resolve my sense of emotional neglect is manifesting as this strong desire to be in a relationship to fill that void of wanting to be cuddled, kissed and consoled.
People who neglect their children should never have had them in the first place. It's sad and disgusting. :c
But, P r o-Life!
My (parent) religion have doctrine, the more the better. Thats why me and my siblings was born.
@@tegarhanif3007 imagine being born because people read words then revolved their lives around said words and brought the kids into it without the kids growing up and choosing for themselves.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184That's exactly what I was thinking. It makes no sense to me to bring unwanted and/or unloved children into the world.
@@tinypixiekitten7806
Yet, here I am. Age 50. Absolutely abandoned and abused by family. A non being.
Thank you for posting this. The hardest thing about this is realizing yourself that this happened to you.
This is how my ex-husband was towards our daughter. Living in the same house, but never really there, apathetic, resentful. Missed birthdays, never a goodnight hug or a story. No eye contact, or acknowledgment.
I realized too late that I chose an emotionally unavailable partner, because I had grown up with neglect myself.
Luckily, everything is great now! My child has a strong support system. I’m healing myself and my ex is working towards a better relationship with his daughter.
If we heal our wounds we don’t have to repeat old patterns, we don’t have to pass those things on to our kids.
My Dad couldn’t relate to me as a young child. He always seemed annoyed by me.. our relationship changed as I got older and could have more grown up conversations with him. I even learned how to make him laugh. I eventually told him how I felt as a child. And he said no he was never disappointed in me.I felt good that I could tell him that and that he received it well and not defensively. He’s gone now and I do miss seeing him and talking. We really had a good adult relationship. But I’m a middle aged woman now and I can see how it really affected my self esteem and the men I choose to have relationships with. I just keep repeating the pattern if finding men who are indifferent or reject me on some level over and over.
I don't think I was emotionally neglected as a kid, but my parents were always really dismissive of me having emotional outbursts, or really distress at all, and the was the expectation to not feel, or if I did, to not let it affect me and to either ignore it or address it privately and quietly. I'm pretty okay, I think, but I still feel terrible for showing emotions, since my brain tells me I'm being a burden.
This IS emotional neglect.
" A crucial part of the psychologycal life is the disinclination of any child to thing that there is something wrong with its parent , it will go to almost any length to prevent the idea emerging that its parent may be mentally unwell or fundamentally brutish "
really enlightening point , thanks !
I was heavily neglected as a Child. Alcoholic father and an emotionally absent mother I was never told we're proud of you, or given a hug. I was scolded, smacked, hit, and hurt. My father was an authoritarian and my mother a willing accomplice for her own survivial. Of my siblings I'm the oldest and the only one to have moved out, moved on, and not been committed to a psychiatric institute. I find in lovers she needs to be kind, caring, emotionally attentive, and have that special spark of life only some people have. My need for emotional connection is palpable.
My mother started to stop hugging me when she met my step father. It was as if I didn't exist anymore. What's more he was unkind with me and she never protected me from his bad behaviour towards me. But now as an adult It's okay no problem. I cleared my traumas and feel stronger than ever. It can take time to purge the mind from the suffering but you can tell yourself that the suffering can be optional because anyway things happened this way and you can't change the story
So real to my past, we had emotional neglect and beatings, but we were fed.
I just turned 18 three days ago. These past few months have been very rough because I always thought there's something wrong with me. I am very distant with my family and friends and feel empty inside. My parents' neglect has affected me and manifested in low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, and emptiness. I am trying to heal so I can be a better person, I wish everyone good luck on their journey. Healing is not a process and it will never end
I had similar feelings as you. I would like to share something with you which I didn't realize until I was much older. I spent many years of my adulthood blaming my parents for how my life turned out. They are to blame for my childhood but only I had control of my adulthood and of my life, but I gave my power over to them. Don't make the same mistake as I, move away from them if you have to and put all your energy on yourself and on making the best of your life that you can. You are worth it!
I’ve grown up with mild but constant forms of emotional neglect and gaslighting/ bullying from my parents and it’s resulted in about 6 years of depression, anxiety, and some personality issues. The main thing to overcoming my illnesses have been acknowledging them. When I was 13-17 I would deny that I was in need of help because my life is perfect and everyone I know seems to be worse off. Discovering school of life this year, and going to therapy after an outburst of unbearable mental illness has improved my life for the better. I was emotionally mature before but it’s really helped me understand where my problems have come from and how to acknowledge things that I didn’t know had hurt me. Thank you school of life for educating me.
This woman's voice fits perfect on this video, soft and calm talking about something that for most people is irrelevant yet that in reality has a tremendous impact on ours lives.
When I was 2 years old I was bubbly, always smiling, talkative, laughing and completely full life. I was so smart that I could pull a chair up to the tv, insert a VHS tape, watch the tape, pull the chair back to rewind the tape and watch it again. At 3 years old I started getting screamed at to my face. For all of my life I have never cared about anything. I have never had any confidence. I have never had any motivations. I've never wanted to do anything but escape reality in any way possible. Until about high school I was a completely hollow and empty shell of a person who felt no emotions and was completely dead inside. Listening to music helped me feel feelings. I still have no motivations and slog through every day of life. I don't want to wake up every day. I don't want to do anything. Being aware of all the limitless potential that my life possessed being chewed up and spit into the garbage has only made it worse. I am 30 years old. I still have my whole life ahead of me. And it means nothing.
"You should just choose to have a better attitude."
Where exactly was my choice as a 3 year old being screamed at? No Choice Involved. I have pictures of when I was a happy kid and looking at it is like looking at a picture of somebody else because I've never known that person.
I will send you love tomorrow ....❤❤
This is also me. Reading the comments make me cry as much as this video.
I did some therapy, but recently I talked to a new therapist. I'm really trying to find a solution... And it's true that i'm always trying to calm my feelings with something to watch or distract myself but, by doing that all the time, I am not living my real life. With this pandemic, it's worst. I don't have the energy to really act and furfill my dreams, to permit myself to live and exist. Because my existence was invisible for so long.
My parents interacted a lot with me, but it was always about topics they were interested in. There was never much time to talk about the things that mattered to me. I had to rush, not be boring, and be deserving of the limited time they offered.
Emotional neglect isn't so easily recognized. Sometimes it's as mundane as "hurry up and speak so we can get back to the more important topics."
Thanks for this video. Thanks a lot. Nobody ever spoke about this. Like, I'm crying.
🤗 You're not alone in this.🤗
We are together, without removing the stigma of the people, It will only cause us more harm. It is better to walk away
My mother adopted another child and then completely forgot about me . I saw her giving him nicknames loving him supporting me and doing everything i always wanted to do with her. Every kind word she's given every small talk she has with her every 'How was school sweetie' and 'Dear do you need something ' always makes my heart rench . Why did i have to beg for my mothers love but someone else got it for nothing. Every small talk i try to have is replaced by how's your brother I have work or no response and its heart breaking.She got another child but how can i get another mother
I just recently realized that I have this problem of emotional neglect and I received it throughout my childhood ,this video just confirmed it perfectly
to everyone one here. you're not alone. the life doesnt stop because you had awful parents. go on. get attached to life that this fact doesn’t matter anymore. fuck the things you were not able to choose. remember you are better than them. and you're in this life for a reason. please use your pain as a fuel, for your dreams. you don't owe them anything. go on with life.
But im so fearful of life, world, people… im so weak and scared.
read "Running on empty". by Jonice Webb It's a great book on overcoming emotional neglect
You need to specify the author, there are several books and even a movie with that title.
@@PatinaX73 Jonice Webb
@@PatinaX73 good idea, added it to the post
I will check it out.
It's a good book but lts not the complete answer.
I was emotionally neglected by my father and loved by my mother. But later in my early teens my mother got into a new relationship and ended up emotionally neglecting me as well. She seemed far more interested in her new boyfriend than she did in me. When I told her how I felt she would lash out as me. To this day, neither f them really feel like they did anything wrong. I now have abandonment issues and feel like I must constantly change myself.
Dear Wildflower, I am sorry this happened to you. Please get help. It can be hard to find the right therapist but keep trying. My mom provided me with the basics but no hugs, smiles or interest in me. Her treatment of me as an adult was one of indifference mingled with occasional harshness and slights. It was very hard for me to reconcile the mom of my childhood with the mom of my adulthood. I finally realized that when I was a kid she was just fulfilling an obligation she probably ha never wanted. When I grew up, she just wanted me to go away.
It is not your fault was not there for you. I hope you can learn to provide yourself with the love you deserve. As adults we only have ourselves. If we are lucky we may find a good mate. BUT do not sell yourself short just to have someone. Learn to love yourself first. Then if someone comes along who can provide extra love you will recognize the rightness of it.
My childhood has been every way exploited, be it violence or rape, emotional neglectes or witnessing domestic violence, you say it. And till now I suffer so much, till now I'm neglected by my parents. Life is difficult man
Wow, you must be so strong, but if you're here, you must be thinking the total opposite. Those contradictions are funny.. I hope you can see how strong you really are
Stay strong!
Wish you a long prosperous life and healing ❤️🩹
My mother hated me and ignored me when I was young, now that I'm older she's annoying as hell. Always calling monitoring what I'm doing. I find it very annoying and abusive. She'll ask how's work and then proceed to tell me all about her life as if I care.
This sounds like defense mechanism to me, either reaction formation or overcompensation. But, could potentially be a narcissist, but I would say from this little info that is jumping the gun :). I am sorry to hear this though, I can only try and imagine what that may have been like for you. My mother has been pretty emotionally unavailable throughout my childhood, but I wouldn't say that she hated me. :( She was mainly struggling with severe PTSD and Treatment Resistant Depression.
Same
My mother is the same
Omg this also my story. Did your mom treated you like your were here friend? More like she wants you to be on her side of the story and tells you all the (family) drama
perhaps she's hoping you'd contribute to her retirement fund...
A friend once told me “don’t kick the vending machine” if you come to someone who you care deeply about to share a interest you have but are always dismissed without change. Give them the small things you don’t care about and hold the things that made you happy to yourself
This is me. My parents are both survivors of awful childhood trauma, everything was about their suffering. My dad met me once and never bothered to keep up the contact with me. Nobody in my family reached out to wish me happy birthday or see how I was doing. My mom has BPD and we are currently not talking because I can’t deal with her manipulative ways. I’m actually estranged from my entire family and I have always relied on friends for good times and companionships- they’ve always come through. What has really kept me going is strong spiritual contemplation, and a feeling of zest for the experience of being alive- enjoying the adventures of what life has to offer.
I just don’t understand the people who keep harping on the speaker’s voice, when the message is so poignant and powerful.
Same here! The girl's voice is soothing as well, in her own unique way. For those too attached to de Botton's voice, they're just a click away from other SOL's videos featuring only Alain's voice.
Its a lovely irony to hear a young British girl speak of such horrors.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 Ehem, it sounds a little belittling to hint at her "young" age not qualifying her for dispensing life advice. Her voice sounds young, but maybe she's older than her voice sounds. She's perhaps a better adult than some (indeed, most) of the older adults here. She's reading out the script she was provided, just like Alain de Botton himself. And isn't it a very sad irony that we, older adults, are swarming in here to weep and sob to heal our inner children that were so neglected when we were actual children? Did she steal your toy? I'll give you my truck if that makes you feel better.
If I could chose I'd go for the male one... but I can't really say why... I personally like the sound of the voice a bit more... maybe I find it more calming. But she does a great job and the message get's delivered... an that is what counts 👌
I said it was ironic, not displeasing. These problems became rampant as a side effect of the Baby Boomers/Me Generation supposed enlightenment colliding with immersive technology substituting real human expression. For every video game played, there isn't a father teaching his son how to build a model airplane. For every pizza delivered, there isn't a family meal at grandmas house.
This is me. Growing up I had no idea of course. No hugs. No I love you. I grew up feeling ugly and defective. And it ruined my life. I had a nervous break down in college and fell into depression until finding antidepressants which only numbed over the inner pain and self hatred… It’s too late to fix the damage… My parents were emotionally damaged themselves so they had no idea… Love is indeed the most important thing
I can't stop crying. I have no money for therapy. May god help everyone like me😢
I can talk with you 😇
You aren’t alone.
And you are far more precious than you may ever know.
I do hope you do know this deep inside one day.
Man that really sucks....Does your country have atleast a helpline??? It's not therapy but atleast someone can listen to you for free. And they probably can help you find an inexpensive therapist.
Yeah I notice a lot of people taking therapy in the west, they each have their own therapist to open up to...those privileged people.
Can you find a meditation group? They are often free to people on a low income and the skills you learn are exactly the same as the ones you need to parent yourself. Don't be ashamed and feel pressured to donate if one is asked, it's asked of people that can afford it so that people like you don't have to and it's ok to say no.
I've had long periods where I couldn't afford therapy, and occasional short stretches when I could. In my experience, therapists are very hit and miss and often overestimate their ability to make an impact. Useful, yes, but not the only way to heal, or even the best way.
One day i've seen a mother telling her child "come here, love", and it felt like someone was trying to squeeze my heart. I couldn't even look at them.
Now at 36 i still feel the need for some affection, but i am not able to accept or to appreciate it. Fuck
That's just how it feels, I hope we can learn to listen, maybe we can manage to give something we never had, with hopes of having a taste of it
I know what you mean… it’s like “ who me?” That’s never gonna happen.
*every family has a person who breaks the chain of poverty. I hope you will be that person!*
Same goes with cycles of abuse
Money is necessary, but not sufficient of itself to escape neglect. You can be rich materially, but emotionally poor.
That's a capitalistic lie if I ever saw one lmao
@@wile123456 It is in fact possible to break the cycle, it is just super hard and takes long work. You could also win olympics, just as difficult, but does everyone try it? No, because they do not care. Dedication is a luxus if you first gotta deal with psychological damage
Stfu
I'm 38 and only became aware of this a year ago. I struggle with "how to cope" - I was hoping this would be more definite in do x, y & z. Thank you for posting this.
Who told Alain that he could stop soothing my soul with his voice. I need to speak to the manager!
Right... funny how that works, right?
I feel kind of abandoned by not hearing his soothing voice, especially as this is such a hard topic...
I've normalized settling/being okay with the bare minimum when it came to some relationships, putting their feelings and needs first
I’m guilty of this as a parent. I had my son at 19, I went to school and worked and raised him by myself… I had postpartum depression which then turned into regular depression…. when I came home from work I didn’t have the energy to entertain him or play with him… I often dismissed him. I can honestly say I regret it. He’s 8 now and he’s so unsure of himself, he is emotionally unstable, and it’s MY FAULT. I’ve learned and I’m constantly doing everything I can to heal him, and let him know he matters and I see him. I still feel horrible for not noticing sooner.
What a great channel, please keep putting out more encouraging and educational videos. I'm just 16 but I was blessed with great parents, but a lot of my acquaintances and friends were not. Not because their parents are evil and don't love them but because they too weren't educated about proper parenting. Most people nowadays are emotionally neglected and that's sad, but we all must become greater from our suffering! Use your pain to become stronger with a softer heart, you have my support! Good luck, one day at a time
I have many problems with my narcissist mom.
This is so hard. I really hope you get better, find good solace and treatment
Me too. I just wrote a comment asking the channel to produce a video on the matter.
It's so hard. If you cut them out of your life so they stop stabbing you emotionally with their venomous games, they will play victim. The entire family will be enlisted as flying monkeys and turned against you. If you keep them in your life, you will suffer for decades unless you set very firm and high boundaries and study how to have conversations with narcissists. They don't think like normal people, and it takes an entirely different conversational style and reaction pattern to manage them at all. Learning how to go grey rock (boring, boring, boring), not to volunteer info that will be used against you later, not to get sucked into the games of allowing them to give you money (which always has strings attached, as you will soon learn), how not to permit gaslighting, how to protect your emotional health, etc., etc. It takes a lot of learning to deal with these mothers. And even more to recover from all the childhood emotional abuse, to value and honor yourself and your needs. Lisa A. Romano has a program, as do some other folks. Wishing you all the best, please honor your own needs and reduce contact as much as possible. It's critical. Their parasitic nature and need to oppress can bleed you dry if you don't set boundaries. I can recommend some books on recovering from these kinds of mothers, although they are written for daughters the exercises should be healing for sons as well. YOU MATTER. PROTECT YOUR HAPPINESS!! EXIT IF YOU NEED TO. You can't save those who refuse to admit they have issues, and you've suffered too much already.
@@falconbritt5461 💜
@@falconbritt5461 thank you 😊
What makes it worse for me is that my Dad was a great dad, he really loved and cared for me and would encourage me to do things. I got into gaming and hockey cards thanks to him, my mom only did things cause my dad wanted her to do things for me. When he was out of the picture, she grew cold and distant, it was like someone swapped her out for some alternative reality version of my mother. She still did some stuff with me, all while pretending I didn't exist. It didn't help she married another man that also pretended I didn't exist, I hate that the neglect I suffered from lead to me developing chronic illnesses due to a tic bite that they didn't care about.
It took so long to understand this, It was cause I was left alone to fend for myself and I had no one to lift the blindness that I was suffering from. When I talked to my brother recently, I have to agree with him that it would have been better if we got orphaned. At least then, maybe we would have had the chance of actually having parents that cared for us.
I was hit, and mistreated unbelievably, plus subjected to emotional deprivation. Only God can heal it.
My mother was and still is, emotionally unavailable. I grew up feeling I was somehow permanently at fault. I know now that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me, and I look forward to the day that I am free of her for good.
My goodness, this struck a chord
This is an excellent piece
I have learnt that emotional neglect as discussed here leaves you with a heightened perception
This can add to your existing pain, but learning to see such perception as it blessing and not as a curse will radically change your life
Easy to say, hard to do for those of us who have suffered emotional neglect, but I promise it works
Yes, but some of us received a combination of ignoring, emotional manipulation, and physical stuff too. Not just neglect. Is important to remember that is way more complicated of an issue than it first appears. and the parents themselves also neglect themselves etc.
I was just thinking about this today (the depressive gloom of February has yet to lift). I had older siblings and I was often excluded, my parents did nothing to mediate, they had their relationship issues. My unhappiness at school was interpreted as insolence (not paying attention), the teachers’ lack of emotional intelligence was damaging. I have built up ‘resilience’ to manage my feelings, but it is often interpreted as independence or not wanting the company of others. I describe it as a ‘carapace’.
I started to heal after I pulled myself away from my parents and relatives to live on my own, my confidence I would say these days are super high (borderline grandiose) back when I lived at home I lost my identity and I used to hate myself, only thing I still struggle with are emotions, I still cannot access them no matter how hard I try and the emptiness is still ever so presence. It dosent feel bad, would describe it as a constant feeling of being content, but it feels like something is missing and sometimes I feel weird. I was also raised to be perfect and that still haunt me. Benefits from those eternal mental scars is that it made me super independant and mentally strong (in other peoples eyes) because I don't express emotions. Peoples I meet somehow see me as a rolemodel that they want to mirror (especially younger peoples), I so badly want to tell them what I had to go through in order to be the person I am today. But I just cannot aknowledge those flaws in me and be emotionally vulnerable with peoples, so I just pretend and let them form their own opinion of me. Letting them belive im perfect when infact im the opposit. It is very sad for me to see other peoples wanting to be like me when in reality I was just raised by parents that emotionally neglected me. While they are were raised in a healthy home.
This is exactly my childhood. My mom was always behind my sister back and when she moved out her attention moved on her lover and lately on her new partner. Never spoke to me unless it was to impose her wants on me or to punish me. Rarely told me nice things or cared about what I liked (most of the times she would only judge them badly). The thing that saved me was to not care about her too. We live together but we look like roommates. Same thing for my father. Their attention was always on other thing or people, but me.
Exactly as in my case
When I was around eleven or twelve, I started having these hateful thoughts. I questioned myself over and over “Why do I have so many things I don’t deserve?”, “There are many people who would be better without me”, “It is not right that I am given this much attention and help”. Now I recognize this is not normal, but I can’t help but to feel useless and replaceable when I do something wrong, and I tend to mess up A LOT.
So I started questioning where these beliefs were coming from. My parents are good. They are caring, responsible and trustful, but I won’t deny that I sometimes feel like they mock my negative reactions, or give little importance to what i think and say... they are disrespectful and sometimes unpredictable. I’m still trying to figure us out though.
I never knew I needed this. Just one hour ago, I was questioning myself, where I am lacking because no matter how hard I try, I won't ever receive the love I so wanted to have since I was a kid. And now this video popped up as if it was reading my mind all along. My mother loves the elder sibling and showers endearments like hugs but she never turns around to even glance at me. She is always quick to say that she loves me(just as all parents do) but my point is whether she likes me as a person. I want to be acknowledged as a daughter, an individual but this ignorance and the way I am made to feel non existent is so painful. It hurts so bad.And it is so true that I won't share this with anyone who knows me because I don't want to cut a sorry figure. And perhaps I wouldn't have written all of it here or maybe delete the whole thing later on. But the timing today was like a force. I was purposely denying the fact that I am unloved. And suddenly this video and it broke a dam and I had to put some of it down here just to retain my peace of mind
No! I'm glad you wrote this. Seriously, I feel the same way
I empathize with you. You are important and you are worth moving. May us all who had parents who refused to see us, may we show others that we see them
I’ve been realizing this is my problem the last few yrs. Seems I’ve felt with this neglect and invisible feeling for a good 25 yrs. Last 3 yrs are torture. Family doesn’t give a damn no matter how I try and explain. I’ve decided I have to drop all of them and move on as best as I can. Very tiring and very rough. I hate this feeling and hope things end asap. Can’t deal much longer and I just need it over.
We grow up to be adults who refuse to get close to anyone with fear of being rejected! Thank goodness I didn’t do that with my gyals! I made sure to love them & made sure they knew they were important as they were my babies
Being raised by two neurodivergent parents who aren't self-aware of their own challenges has a similar effect: A kid that doesn't get their emotional needs met, not because of malice but because each parent doesn't recognise the needs and is doing their best (a young child often can't verbalise what's lacking or that they're not coping). You can't blame these otherwise loving parents for not knowing differently, but the resulting children can really struggle 😟
if i dont smoke, if i stop drinking, ill remember all the hurt and shitty things that happenend to me growing up and its too much.
@Vyys you're just mean
Harm reduction. Don't torture yourself. Instead of sinking in tobacco and alcohol, research the benefits of psychedelics and CBT
@@HMohr yes but it’s true
@Vyys often the advice we give to others is the advice we need to recieve.
sending you love James, I know it's hard but don't give up. Thanks for being vulnerable.
I was unintentionally crying I couldn't stop
I love my parents, I really do. But most of the time, I feel like they don't appreciate anything about me.
What is the opposite of love?
Hate... Right? Very straightforward answer, a natural answer that first comes to mind.
But no.
The opposite of love is Indifference.
If you hate something, its because it does in some way matter to you.
Often hate, derive from something people used to love, but it changed in a way that hurts them, that frustrates them.
Its the twisted vision of what they love, disturbing.
But not indifference
Indifference is cold, harsh, like shouting your pain to the abyss, only to hear echoes of your frustrations unanswered by neither comfort or shunning.
Yup, Mum never had time to look at a drawing or essay I did despite her not having to go out to work. Yet she found time to criticize us....funny that! And then many (not all though) school mates, college mates and work mates also treated me like I was worthless.
same but with dad
Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest.👍
What ?
You've obviously yet to feel real emotional pain on a grand scale, "Daily Dose of Medicine". 🙄
My grandmother told me once that she felt bad for me because when I got put on time outs I was so well behaved that my parents forgot about me completely. Hours later she would check on me and find me sleeping. I would simply entertain myself alone and then eventually knock out. My sister was never forgotten in this way because she spent her entire time out asking to be let off. It was so annoying my parents couldn't forget she was there, lol. I learned as a kid to self soothe alone through distraction, mostly reading fantasy. I spent much of my early and mid teens up a tree with a book. It was the only place I could go where I wouldn't be interrupted. My room wasn't truly my space, as my mom came and went as she pleased and would move in and out of my room depending on how she felt about my dad. My sister wasn't any better, being incredibly invasive and rather forceful in seeking attention. All I wanted was to be left alone, because being alone was the safest way to be.
I was frequently hit and shouted at and emotionally neglected as a child......it sucks. Recognising that evil truly exists is a shock to the self.
By the way ... when I was a neglected child and later as an adult comparing my experiences with those of others close to me, I recognized that my opportunities to play were rather few. I had not learned the lessons of the game correctly, having fun, making jokes, knowing how to lose, lowering my social anxiety or not worrying about the results are things that I have learned again and I think it could be a valuable tool to get out of the state of neglect. Maybe another video of this could be useful? Thanks a lot!