NEGLECTFUL Narcissists: Everything you need to know (Part 1/3)
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“You start to feel like a ghost in your own home” that is spot on. Thank you for the validation
I feel that mine saw me as part of himself. This enabled him to treat me so badly, and to cope with it, while seeming like the loveliest person in the world to literally everyone else. It enabled him to take me for granted.
I felt that with my ex. Glad he's my ex. But while with him it affected me so bad I had an emotional breakdown and became suicidal.
The worst irony is when the neglectful narcissist, who treats you as if you’re invisible and gives nothing at all tells you that “you are asking too much” or “you are too demanding”.
They want you to exist without breathing. Like a decoration on the wall.
Word!
To make things worse (for myself), being aware of - and trying to better manage - my anxious attachment side, I was very open to second guessing myself and my needs; my emotional needs became 'any form of affection, just something'.
Nothing came by, he left on his own after I started fussing: he 'could not give me what I want', and 'it was not working'.
Lucky me, I guess :)
Omg This!!! He said I tried too hard and that it’s too much work. This was when I expressed concern that we’re drifting after 10 years. Never bugged him about getting married or having kids, never complained when he stayed out late (unless he said he’d be home hours earlier). So to hear him say it was too much work or I was nagging blew my mind. Never again will I try to be the “chill low maintenance girl” you only get walked all over
or not exist
This
omg same!
This, this is the video that change my life. I always knew there was something wrong with how I was treated. But there wasn't any overt abuse. Yet I always felt gaslighted, disregarded and found myself crying in the bathroom alone because if I were to cry in front of him, he would roll his eyes and just start playing on his phone. I was miserable but I didn't know why. I mean he was a good provider, funny and people liked him, so I should be happy right? But I was dead inside.
My husband too was a "great provider." It's just that he was shit at everything else....
I feel the exact same way
wow! that is my story too!! its crazy isn't it? but so thankful for the clarity
you have just described my life. always feel as if im the one in the wrong as he is a great guy to the rest of the world. cant be vulnerable infront of them as they honestly just make you feel so stupid for even showing any emotion
Wow, this is my life. The crying! Just feeling so miserable, and I didn’t know why. That’s what makes it so insidious, the abuse is invisible.
Five minutes in and I’m crying. After 22 years together he’s gone and thinks I have an unrealistic expectation of what a relationship is but I’ve been starved for affection, support, attention, affirmation, validation. I’ve spent my entire young adulthood (now early forties) staring into the void and feeling invisible and irritating and without value
Me too
If it feels wrong to you, it is. I'm so sorry that you endured this. I hope you're okay. X
Well there it is. You've just explained what I've been trying to figure out for over 30 years.
Mine walks away while I'm still talking to him, like Dr. Ramani had said, you become quiet, I do talk less then so he doesn't have to bust a brain cell trying to do 2 things at once!
oh no that's so sad, I'm at 18 years married now. How does one move on from this? Everyone makes it sound like leaving and starting over is an option, but when we get older, some emotional "surgeries" may cause more harm than healing. This is my theory. Like they won't bother with a hip replacement for an 88 year old because the healing process itself might kill her. Sometimes I worry that I'm getting too old to make it through the healing process of breaking up an almost 20 year marriage, so I don't know if it's a good idea, for my own emotional health. I at least would have to be ready. What did you do to supplement the complete starvation of all intimacy in your marriage? I never found that friends made a big enough difference to help with this starvation
Bianca Rowena i went through this but after about a year I’m starting to feel normal again.. it did take lots of therapy though and being surrounded by good friends. I adopted a few pets and became ambitious at my job.
Omg same here,
Thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏🏽. This type of narcissism explains my narc husband.
So painful and confusing when you spend 5 hours in a car with a partner and they don’t say a word. You arrive at your destination and they chat with the valet for half an hour while you wait in the lobby. And if you mention it, it’s a narcissistic injury for them!
End the "relationship" because they don't care about you!
Ignoring someone is rude, dismissive, and disrespectful!
Oh I can relate😔
Yes a million times to that Lisa. Ty for sharing that. ❤️🙏🏼
Yes!!!!
Thank you, this was my experience exactly, it's helpful to hear from others who've gone through the same madness.
This is the type of covert abuse that is hard to prove.
The abuser knows it too!
Be vigilant!
Plan to leave and never look back.
Save money in secret!
Extremely hard to prove, they're not directly abusive and if you try to talk it out with them they'd gaslight the living shit out of you, you won't even know what's really and what's not, my ex narcissist didn't even bother to love bomb me he just straight up ignored me even if we stopped talking and went after my friend and now she's his new supply and when i left him, he went crazy :/
Crazy little shit heads.
@@Ray-by7xomy mother
I learnt to leave by increments: by educating myself, getting counselling, getting friends on my side. It's taken 15 years, but now I'm out. It's hard work but worth it.
Sometimes I wonder how many of us knew the same narcissist😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Remarkable isn’t it?
💯💯🤔
Smart question ChingonaLV.
🤣
This form of narcissism is so rarely discussed! Thank you! I would love more content on this form.
Me too!! 20-year marriage that I can’t get out of. Would love to know more from a professional’s perspective 👏🏼👏🏼
@@thesilentwaveaspergersauti3719 hi, I just got diagnosed with Aspergers, I’m married to someone that’s negligent, she may as well be a maid most of the time and intimacy is very token. I’m one of those aspies that is extremely loyal and ready to trust and once I do I’m constantly asking, how are you, ru ok because I can’t tell due to the ignoring and inability to talk about deep things.
I agree and pray that Dr. Ramani's messages reaches out to the multitude of victims about this so important Disorder.
Agree... n I see Dr ramani has met my mom 🙋
Yes it should be discussed way more often!!
It seems like they want you to clamor for their attention, but if you do, they will be dismissive and disrespect you....It feels passive aggressive to me.
Yeah. I was wondering how to differentiate this from someone with covert narcissism who is upset / in that pissy passive aggression. I guess frequency.
That was my experience exactly.
It certainly is.
Very passive aggressive. The coldness and neglect can go hand in hand with this
fo' sho'
You get close to them - and then you are installed like an appliance. They only notice if they think the appliance isn't operating when needed.
Perfectly described!
Precisely
"Aha, this is my story." I still don't understand how I could let it happen for so long. The cognitive dissonance I'm a witness to, but have been unable to change. My neglect to myself is almost as equal to the ridiculous neglect from him over the years. I've been obsessively watching these videos. But today the fog became clearer with this video. Thank you so much for being here for us.
Britt Juleen,You got a lovely smile
I completely relate to your comment, especially the neglect to yourself. This kind of abuse is not so overt so you keep making excuses...then you wonder how you ever put up with it. Just watching this has helped.
I get this because this happened to me. Even once I saw what was happening, I couldn't just leave. It took me a long time to realise I wasn't stupid, but was gathering the resources I needed in order to leave. My relationship lasted 15 years, and I spent 10 of those years working my way out of it. I'm 6 months out and can hardly believe I made it. Don't lose hope. You aren't crazy, you aren't stupid you're training yourself to leave. Take care. ❤️
Thank you for this video. I spent 23 years with a man like this. No love, intimacy, conversation, hand holding was never...in fact if we did go somewhere he didn't sit with me. Such a sad lonely life. Having been raised by both narc parents....I thought this was just life. Still alone but not alone with someone. I have hope.
İ am sorry, Kathleen. You are a beautiful person inside and out and you deserve to be loved. İ hope you best of everything 💜
is it better to be alone than to be with someone alone? I'm in a neglectful relationship at the moment...
Kathleen you will someone your worth.
@@biancarowena9040
I was thinking on this question obsessedly for months. The answer is don't even look back. I was in love with my narcissist, I've been with a super neglectful narcissist, and i stayed no matter. İ told myself and him: "as long as there is no one else, i am okay", which is genuinely the worst type of relationship. I was okay with him giving me zero attention. İ got cheated several times during that time and i dumped him as soon as i learned about it. Someone who doesn't know your worth and doesn't feel bad about treating you like nothing, will not take a second thought while cheating on you.even if he doesn't cheat on you, he doesn't care about your feelings. I swear you don't deserve him or this treatment. Is this really what you want? Breadcrumbs? I was in love, too. Sometimes you have to go even if you love someone. Because you can't self abandon yourself. I wish someone told me these earlier. I believe it's super hard to leave, so I would really hope you could get some professional support or family/ friend support. Please think thoroughly. Please know your worth and don't self betray for a narcissist. Please. If you want to talk on it, as someone who went through the same i would love to share my number with you. I hope you best of everything 💜
He wouldn’t even sit with you... what a monster. I’m so sorry you went through this; it makes me really sad. You are worth so much and you deserve SO MUCH LOVE! I wish you all the healing in the world. ❤️
If i pick up on any signs from any type of narcissist........I'm out!✌I don't have another run in me 😑
ErikisOfficial‼ Same here because I’m extremely exhausted and just refuse to live like that anymore.
@@sisisgrowing1279 I get you. I only need to experience this one time. I wont even entertain it just for sex either. The crazy thing is my relationship was only like 3 months. I had to put in a lot of work to get where I'm at now and I still have work to do. It was a depleting experience.
I can't do it again lol
They're too depleting!
such as texting is enough to maintain a dating relationship?
Understood... I'm with you ✌🏾
The narcissistic abuse community is so lucky to have you. You are amazing. This is absolutely you’r calling. I’m so grateful for you and your videos.
" You start to feel like a ghost in your own home." wow. so rude. so pathetic. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for broadening my perspective so I don't have to absorb all that negativity. It is so helpful.
I was wondering exactly why i felt so emotionally starved in my relationship. I kept referring to it as “neglect.” Here it is! Thank you for another insightful video.
Emotionally starved is exactly what my relationship was like. It really was like slowly dying of hunger. Being so neglected I just turned into a shell, a ghost of myself.
@@wishingonthemoon1 did you decided your more worthy of this and get a divorce?
@@wanda4573 oh ya, kicked his ass out
This was my husband. But in the beginning he was very attentive. I was the love of his life. His one. The person he had been searching for his whole life. He would buy me sweet gifts. I was his princess. Of course there were many red flags. He would take off for no reason. Get upset at me for no reason. He didn’t trust me. But he always figured out a way to get me to come back. And then after we married, everything changed. He started sleeping on the couch. He never touched me. Stopped telling me I was beautiful. Gave me the silent treatment for months at a time. Ignored my children. I filed for divorce 3 months ago. He moved out. Some days it feels like I’m dying because all my brain wants to remember are the good times. So I have to keep reminding myself that it was mostly bad. Very very bad.
My ex husband treated me just like your ex husband treated you. I could never figure out why he would rather sleep on a mattress instead of sleeping in the bed with me.
My marriage was similar to everything you just described. It was extremely lonely and draining. I hope you're proud of yourself for filing. I struggled with being proud of myself for it at first, but I'm 9 months free now and life has only gotten better. I hope you find happiness.
Yes he is bad. Don't forget
I feel your pain, but things will get better, I was so inlove with his fake self and to let that go and realize that it was all smoke and mirrors was the hardest for me...... 6 months later and sometimes I catch myself thinking of the good times and can't reconcile the monster I see now😔
I had the same experience with my ex wife after 18 years of marriage , when I was forced into retirement she would take WALKS from 7 am till 8 PM , sure ok , but I live in Florida and this happened from late spring through the summer .
You have just described my entire life with my mother. She was so neglectful, I often thought of ending my own life just so she could notice me. I wanted her to cry for me and regret how she treated me. I was in my early teens when I realized she would be happier without me. I was in my forties when I found out (through a friend) that my mother was a narcissist. I'm still in the process of healing and will probably be for the rest of my life. Dr. Ramani, I couldn't thank you enough for all you do and for helping me in my process to heal❤
stay strong and become stronger!💪🏾💪🏾💜
@@killadjango6995 Thank you, will do!
You and I have the same experiences. Your feelings are valid. They are garbage.
It took me 50+ years to figure this out. THANK YOU for including it. My Covert Narcissist Mother was much easier to solve (still taking over 50 years) but my Neglectful Narcissist Father NEVER had ONE single meaningful conversation with me my entire life - even up to his deathbed confession - that he had NO regrets. Never said one word even while dying at home and in hospice over the course of 8 weeks. Refused to even talk to his own 100 year old mother on the phone even though she doted on him his whole life. Growing up he worked as an outside Salesman and was gone 5 days a week every week and when he was off he played golf and cards with his buddies or traveled the world multiple times. He made great money but was a mean miser with me, my mom, brother and sister. If he could save $1.00 at a restaurant by getting my 12 year old self to pretend I was 7 then he was happy. If I needed $5.00 for school supplies then it came with a lecture about how I should be looking for a job. I'm just now unraveling how damaging these 2 seriously dysfunctional parents were to my life. Thank you again! 💜🙏
I'm 56, realised at 55, going through hell in my own life which is how I saw their patterns. A hard lesson to learn at the very worst moment but I'm so great full for this and other channels and comments from older gens. We didn't know what we didn't know and I dearly wish I had as I'd now not be sick. My parents cut off my wings in favour of themselves, then they expect gratitude for what great parents they were because they gave you all the bells and whistles but not what a child really needs. Unconditional love openness honesty safety empathy, a guiding hand in life so that we would flourish 👋✌
I'm 56, realised at 55, going through hell in my own life which is how I saw their patterns. A hard lesson to learn at the very worst moment but I'm so great full for this and other channels and comments from older gens. We didn't know what we didn't know and I dearly wish I had as I'd now not be sick. My parents cut off my wings in favour of themselves, then they expect gratitude for what great parents they were because they gave you all the bells and whistles but not what a child really needs. Unconditional love openness honesty safety empathy, a guiding hand in life so that we would flourish 👋✌
I guess some narcissists are too lazy to discard you fair and square (they might also be worried about how that makes them look, or the money they might lose in the process), so if you're willing to serve them while being completely ignored, they get the best of both worlds. Makes me think of how some work places push employees to resign instead of firing them...
My experience exactly! Lazy, money obsessed & worried about image!😎
Bingo!
This is so true it makes me sick....because it's been as almost 27 years of not feeling important while he just called me unappreciative and critical. Cuz that's what they do if you EVER dare complain about ANYTHING!!!! No wonder I'm losing my mind.
Yep.... ill-treat someone until they get so fed up and leave on their own, instead of affording that person respect and dignity in sitting down and saying look this isn't working and why and let's peacefully part ways..... you don't get to have a fair exit with narcs and companies who do this😒
it makes them look “better” like the victim if you leave, they make you do the “dirty work” to be honest and do it
I was dubbed "needy" by my ex for asking him to spend time with me. Before I met and married him, I never lacked for male attention. Even growing up, both my mother and father were attentive and caring parents to me and my four siblings. It took me into my 60's to finally realize that he was leading a triple life, and that I was part of neither of the three of those lives, and that I would continue to be a convenience in his life. I filed for divorce (which he actually dared me to do), and I had never felt so free in my life. It was like being released from bondage!
Damn, I’m really sorry it went on for so long. Make the rest of your years count. Do whatever the hell you want, and don’t ever accept less for yourself again.
Mine told me I was needy too, for a long time I knew he was doing things but I questioned if I was “too needy” . I wouldn’t treat anyone like he treated me. I finally said no more and stuck to it.
Right!! We are not needy because we have basic human needs to connect, talk, be talked to, and interacted with!
Such abusive and twisted talk on their part.
I can relate. Been told I was "too needy" for nearly 20 years just for wanting to spend a little time with her.
I'm so proud of you pretty lady🧡
I watched this video some time ago, and I may have made a comment. I can't remember. But it's popped up on my Recommended list, so I watched it again.
It SO mirrors my 33-long marriage. No abuse. No paranoid projection. No gaslighting. No triangluating. No affairs (that I know of). No flying monkeys. No discards and hoovering. Just the relentless 'not being there'.
I'm ashamed to say it, but abuse gives you something to fight against. A partner who is just 'not there' gives you nothing to fight against.
The neglectful narcissist creates an empty void that leaves you floundering for something to hold on to.
Our divorce was amicable. Of course, why wouldn't it be? He broke no rules for me to call him all kinds of names under the sun. He was generous with the divorce settlement. Why wouldn't he be? He was happy to be rid of me and his sons. He had worlds to conquer without us.
There is a saying: 'The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.'
THIS…. so many gems in your comment…. thank you!
I think you might have been the problem. He did nothing wrong and you’re still angry. Possibly angry at yourself for making the wrong decisions
I think Hollywood has permanently damaged what a real relationship in the west means. You have to leave or else the sucker you pulled in will just be left defeated and emasculated because they couldn’t provide for you
@@Poopticklingbandit That reply was as unnecessary as it was nasty. YOU seem to be the one with an anger problem.
This hit home. I cried. This woman is doing god's work. While I was crying he walked through the room & didn't say a word. I can no longer ignore the damage this is doing to me. I'm stuck. But I start today making a plan to free myself from this hell. I've watched 100 videos on this subject but I can no longer deny I'm in a sham of a relationship & it's never going to change. God help me.
Trust your instinct.
How are you doing now?
You can do it im in same situation
I hope, 3 years on, you are doing better, finding your way toward greater love and connection in your life. You deserve that and I am glad these videos helped give you the words and ideas to begin the healing journey.
Always on his cell phone, When I do talk to him he’s never say anything.. Omg you are so right..
mine too always on his cell phone, even to relax. But now I'm thinking, possibly always on his cell phone when I'M around, so as not to have to engage
Same!!! Always on his phone, even when we are out to dinner with our child.
Dr Ramani, you are too good at describing these dang Narcs!
What’s with always on the phone
After work!!! When I’m there???
Story of my life😔
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. This is it!!!!!!!! Thank you thank you for saying this was a narcissistic subcategory. It's as if I am invisible.
me too, exactly my situation
Isn't there a saying like "dont ask why a clown is behaving like a Clown, ask yourself why you're still going to the Circus?" We should start questioning ouselves what it is that makes us stick with the unhealthy relationships and then go on and heal that part in ourselves ! Much Love to everyone who is dealing with this! 💗
It's definitely a process. There's no instant fix.
Usually or often parents who have ab. the individual in a similar way
There's a thin line between what you're saying, and victim blaming. The thought process of "What's wrong with ME that I allow xyz" can keep people in unhealthy/ narcissistic relationships.
This IS victim blaming. 🙄🙄🙄
Victim blaming isn’t welcome here. This is a safe space. Leave.
I KNEW it. Ugh. So validating to hear that this is a thing and I’m not losing my mind. Really appreciate you doing these.
Ms Mellowmood,You look cute,hope you are not with a narcissist....
Avoidant attachment style seems to line up with this type of narcissism.
@TH-cam Commenter ??????
@Lettie Belli This is how I came to find these videos!
I’m DA and the more I started reading about it and watching videos about it, I started thinking...wow, this sounds a lot like narcissism. Am I a narcissist? But I didn’t find myself lining up exactly with any type. I could see qualities in each of them in myself, but none of them were dead ringers because I’m not so interested in micro-managing a partner’s life, I tend to be disinterested and disengaged while engaging in those malignant manipulation tactics like breadcrumbing and future faking to keep someone on the line, I guess to get narcissistic supply from.
I didn’t feel exactly like DA because I don’t feel so much like a victim to my attachment style, I feel like I’m aware of it and wield it as a weapon of control rather than just let it happen to me with no idea what’s going on.
I am very fucked up! 👍
@@Jay-qh6uv My narcissist is not very insightful, like most, so your remark confuses me.
@@Misses-Hippy what are you confused about
@@Jay-qh6uv You have shown honest insight into your behavior. In my experience, a narc may search to defend or justify himself, but does not enter the minefiend of true introspection. No hardcore narc ever ends his self-appraisal on the unflattering note yours did. So yes, I am confused.
Oooof. I was always conflicted because the other descriptions of narcissists never matched completely. No overt devaluing, nothing malignant, etc. This one finally hit so close to home. Looking forward to tomorrow and the day after.
encoding6638 SAME! it hits the nail on the head with my experience
@@animalloverwashere This is the first time I'm hearing of it and I'm so glad that Dr. Ramani addressed it. Also very glad that we will finally get clarity on seemingly benign, selfish behavior. Take care of yourself!
This! This is my husband. He didn't give a crap about me or my needs, and he only looked out for himself. Then he would whine and accuse me of not loving him -- while he was busy neglecting me! It was *mindboggling* that he could say something so fabulously fucking stupid when all I did was tend to his every whim, yet he couldn't lift a finger to help me with anything or ask me how my day was at supper.
I'm so happy to have a term for what I could refer to him as. He wasn't as much in-your-face or grandiose, but he was definitely mid-range and bears nearly all the hallmarks of a neglectful narcissist.
Thanks, Dr Ramani! I feel like I've made a breakthrough.
You/We may have died on the vine of the relationship, BUT we still have our roots of our SOUL - this channel helps so much, time to water our roots and regrow our vines to flower once again in life 💛
I suspect that people in narcissistic family situations experience the narcissism differently depending on their role - the golden child deals with a grandiose narcissist, the scapegoat has a vulnerable narcissist, and the invisible child has a neglectful narcissist, even though all three narcissists are the same person. I know that my parents triangulated my brother, me, and one another differently at different times, so my role kept changing and so did my perception of their behavior.
Great observation🧐
So complicated! They cost us healthy relationships all around! Stay the course, stay sane in spite of...
@Black Weirdo there you go, being a 'black weirdo' again! Love you, never change! 😽
Very insightful. Brilliant actually. I was the invisible child growing up, and I married a neglectful.
thank you, so perceptive.
Ahh, the "but they are just doing this to support the family," especially when they are financially successful, is a great way we justify and minimize the impact of our soul's loneliness with this type of narcissism! 👍👏💕
I grew up with a parent who was mad neglectful and doesn’t know how to accept they did anything wrong even when I let them know what traumatized me. It was so apparent that I picked up narcissistic fleas from this parent and I’m terrified to think I was becoming this parent until starting therapy. It pains me to know my behaviors hurt my partners before knowing this about myself, I can only hope to do better and continue self-reflecting and healing to create secure and healthy relationships. ✨ Love & light.
I relate to everything you said.
Dr. Ramani, I am just now watching this video from one year ago. You literally just described my soon-to-be ex-husband and my marriage for three and a half years. He was definitely the neglectful narcissist. Looking at it from eyes wide open, the only way I would describe it is that he simply lost interest. He would become obsessed with certain things, like buying a new car, a new house, and at one point obsessed with me. But then he would soon tire of it once he got it and would move on to the next thing. Oftentimes, I would come home from work and as you described, was like a ghost in my own home. I would eat my meals by myself, go to family gatherings without him, spend holidays without him and slept in a separate room. He had absolutely no interest in me. Discarded me is about the best way to describe it. Once I decide to leave, then he became interested in me again. So glad I am finally getting out of this very toxic relationship!
This is also my story. Neglected almost 3 years. emotionally starved, intimacy avoidance, not appreciated, I experienced these. Doing ALL household chores. Yet still, she neglected me, avoided me. When I noticed something was wrong on the outset, I talked to her about it and about my feeling of insecurity coz I felt rejected, she down played. Since then, we argue almost every month talking about the same thing-her neglectful behavior. She always tells she's busy at work and she needs to put all attention there coz she wants to be very successful, which she really was working as I saw. However, she became also married with her mobile phone that after working, she tends to spend all the garbage time till she falls asleep, and me waiting in vain. I am also tired the whole day at work plus the 99% household chores, but I still reserve enough energy for her. I asked her if she still loves me, then she said yes but not like as before, yet another blow. I felt shocked then numb. Then I carry on working harder hoping to gain her love back, then years went by (almost 3 years). I got fed up, depressed, frustrated, sad, dead inside. So I decided to let go of her. Suddenly, she said to let try to fix it and try to make relationship better. This statement puts me in a confused stage. like for soooo long, why now. Regardless, I end the relationship politely saying that there are lots of women praying that their man can live without; alcohol, drugs, smoke, gambling, infidelity, and at the same time can do household stuffs from cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, cutting her hair, all. Yet she didnt appreciate. Finally she said she appreciates all my effort but she just don't know how to express. Made me more confused and started doubting my own assessment on myself. It's been weeks of no sleep...
I hope you are doing well on your healing journey!
Oh My God!!!
I'd never heard of the neglectful narcissist!!! Right on! OMG OMG OMG
It's like the golden child, invisible child, and scapegoat dynamic. Invisible children experience this neglectful dynamic. And neglect is abuse. Golden child gets the idealization, invisible gets devaluation, and scapegoat gets discard. It's how they treat everyone- not just children
my ex-narc didn't visit me while I was 4 months pregnant in the hospital or attend my brother, father, and my mother's memorial services. The list goes on. Completely, neglectful. A horrible human being.
All my relationships with men have been with neglectful narcissists. It was the parenting style of my mother and father. But, I never knew what to call it until I watched this video. Thank you for opening up my mind and validating my existence.
My name is Whitney too and I'm also not sure I exist 😁
I am working on myself....but to find a truly healthy person is a rare thing indeed. I love support groups because it's a bunch of people with similar issues seeking relief....
and GETTING REAL.
Wow. Getting Real, being authentic is my goal too on a daily basis. It's a journey: I wish you well and applaud your courage.
amen!
" if you are in any type of relationship with them"....there is NO relationship, i.e., relating. It's an arrangement not a marriage. And, yes, my spouse actively ignored only me.
True
That was my dad. His focus was always on work, and Church. His wife and children only seemed to annoy him if they were in the same room.
It was a cross between being ignored, being criticized, being made fun, or rage. Being ignored was actually my favorite.
Someone who can't see your worth enough to treat you with attention and love will not take a second thought while cheating you.
We should all stop looking for love and attention in someone who isn't willing to give it us. İt won't bring us anything being with these people as the main reason they treat us like that is because they are very chaotic inside and don't like themselves. How are they supposed to love someone else? Please leave. İt's never worth to self abandon yourself for a narcissist who doesn't care about you!
@Ms. Buschhorn Hope you get free of your narc husband.
Fantastic explanation
@Ms. Buschhorn i wish you best of everything 💜 you are a powerful, beautiful lady.
Yes this is MY story for sure. The only thing the Narcissist I was married to was not...was violent. But he fit the description everything else...covert, malignant, neglect, silent treatment everything. Liar, cheater, taker, etc...in the end what was really funny to me was his “soap opera” tears constantly trying to play the part of THE VICTIM, like he was the one getting hurt. I look back and just wonder why and how the heck I stayed. So happy to be free! 😊
My ex was like this too. The longer I knew him, the more he aligned with someone who could possibly have brain damage. So irrational!!
That’s exactly my story too! We could be describing the same partners. I’m still in it and feel stuck! I’m glad you are free.. I believe I’ll be free someday too! 🌸🌿
My father is a Narcissist and my mother rather unstable Borderliner.
No emotional bonding, no real feelings for myself or anything and emptiness.
You can imagine the dynamics, I guess.
My father hated, despiced my mother from the start, reminding her at the daily basis that she were worth nothing.
Violent, mean, gaslighting, you name it. The complete arsenal of psychological warfare. We all were his supply.
Same my ex husband did the same and then my 1st BF after my divorce did this.
Karen, it looks like we were married to the same guy 😆
This is my husband. Definitely intimacy avoidance. No closeness, no care. And he literally cares little about my well-being. Lack of empathy. He will bait and get in your face. It’s been an absolutely awful 26 years of marriage. I think my husband is schizoid. He has no social life at all. Doesn’t have one friend and has a problem with anyone he works with.
And you stick by him why??
Oh my God! Nailed it! Especially when you said OCD in the way of rigidity with work, finances to the point of being miserly. Had tried to fit him into the category of covert, but I think this nailed it! 😩😩😩
Laurie McCracken Alsted,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist....
You don’t madder I have been ignored to the point of depression and tears .They like to hurt you it gives them pleasure. Yes mine makes money but just himself!!
Alice; hope you get away!
I helped nurse and support my ex narcs mother and him..before she passed ..all with a brand new baby at the time...nobody supported me to get rest(however he would tell me "you have never done anything for me")...My dad is nearing the end of his life...where is the narc....done exactly what he accused me of back then...can't even ask after my father. These people are sick...levels of behaviour I can't comprehend. I don't wish bad on anyone...But A part of me hopes he gets what is coming to him.
This is my mom. She did not want me to exist and anytime i showed any emotion she would shut me up. She was extremely damaging.
And you learn very well to deny your emotions. "You cannot be sad", "You cannot be hurt", or just plain ignorance.
Wow Catherine, I bet, mine would tell me and would comment to others, "Wasn't I prettier with my mouth shut!" No wonder I back lash against improving my looks, apparently our one and only quest being women, weird. Sorry for what you went through, they rob us of so much, true demons.
@@Jane-gt6ef just don't even bother having any, it helps "them" feel normal, no dought their daily quest!
@Black Weirdo bud! My 24 yr old daughter is mad at me cause my mom's in detox! Ha ha, what a little bitch!
Mine too. And then she'd pass her neglect off with "well - you know I love you my dear". #facepalm
Oh me, oh my. This is SPOT ON. I am having to take time to reconstruct my personality, and my confidence. He made me feel like everything in my life was insignificant. The real issue is that I allowed him to do it. I felt bullied for so long 😔😔
My mom is just that. She has trouble emphasizing with people, she always failed to connect at an emotional level, she just wants to do her job constantly and show appreciation by eating her food.
Spot on...
This person is neglectful beyond just being absentminded or forgetful.
Right! It's a spiteful neglect. "Like how dare you not read my mind and give me want I want at a moments notice. I'm going to ignore you till you figure it out." Or "how dare you think you deserve attention. I'm the one that deserves things. Not you." It's very strange.
@@ladybluelotus They are sadistic and enjoy the mind games.
Go no contact!
If that is impossible, then use the Greyrock, which means you stop engaging with them.
You end up creating your own world outside of the neglect. It's incredibly lonely.👻turns you into someone you start to hate.
Oh, 11:28 yes I liked his work ethic. It impressed me. Well, damn. 17 yrs gone.
I know right. Love the work ethic but it never evolves. There's no ebb or flow. If it doesn't feed their ego then it's not worth their time.
This is the one!!! I’ve been watching all of the different types and thinking that my ex had some of the traits of each but this is the one he is most like!!! I felt like I was slowly disappearing. At first he was attentive, charming and jealous, watched my every move. By the end he couldn’t have cared less about anything I said or did. He stopped all physical contact as well. But when I asked him why or what was wrong, he’d say nothing was wrong, that everything was fine and that he loved me. He had totally shut down but blamed me for wanting a divorce. Totally acted like a victim. I was so starved for attention and affection. I felt like I was slowly dying. It was horrible. It was like he was punishing me. He said he would never be the one to initiate a divorce. I think because like you said, being married made him look good and if he divorced me it would somehow make him the bad guy. So he made it unbearable for me so I’d leave. Which I finally did after 23 years. Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping sort through all of this. ❤️
@New Dream keep watching the videos and learning the best way to get out of your situation. That’s what I did. It’s painful I know but so much better on the other side ❤️ You can do this
I have the very same situation. Debating about leaving. It is so sad that so many of us are stuck in this INVISIBLE PRISON and don’t know which key “works”. I’ve been trying everything to make the relationship work, thinking I was “wrong” because of all the subtle things he does to invalidate and devalue me. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for this particular definition. None of the others quite fit.
What is really sad is we are having an entire generation grow up as Narcissists.
Wow I could have written this comment.. word for word exactly the same thing I still live with
I’m going through the same thing. He doesn’t even acknowledge me as a human being, has completely withdrawn physically & can go weeks without speaking to me. When I speak to him I get no response and he treats me like I don’t exist. His reasoning is that he wants things that I don’t do but won’t tell me what they are
Wow. I'm in the same boat. I'll have to be the one to leave too. working on that
This is my husband of 14 years that I just stumbled across his double life. I’ve been so lonely for so long. Finally something that explains it
Me too
The narcissist in my life loved the image, the fake reality she created or portrayed but never the hard work or responsibility that went along with it. For example , she insisted on wanting a relationship but as soon as she got it, neglected and abused it. She wanted a family, but neglected her children. She wanted a home , but walked away from being responsible for taking care of it. Heck she even wanted a family dog but didnt want to take care of one. Narcissist always rely upon others to do the hard work and be responsible. And will lie , manipulate, play games to get what they want in order to support their fake psychosis reality. And anything or anyone that challenges their fake world will either be neglected or discarded . They want to portray to the world as if they are normal and made achievements but in reality it’s a false illusion. That’s why relationships crumble and are so filled with drama and turmoil. And if that wasn’t bad enough, they have money problems or keep losing jobs because they never invest nor remain committed to seeing things through by giving 100%.
Like a toddler throwing toys out of their crib.
Niles Guy Oh no, they have money; your money and my money! They never spend their money and they take from others.
Catherine Gold did you just spy on my life? Lol because you said it perfectly. The narcissist had money in her bank account , had a job but literally refused to spend money because she considered my money hers
Black Weirdo your not alone and I did the same but your right without us as their security blanket they would crash and burn
YES!!!!!!!!!! This is so accurate
I know my mother was a narcissist, but she never 100% fit in any category until I saw this. If I attempted to break through her neglect to get attention, all hell would break loose or she'd guilt me into the ground. Because of her, I've had to work really hard in therapy to realize I am worthy of people's time and worthy of taking up space in the world. I had social anxiety to the point of practically being mute until my late 30's.
This brought a tear to my eyes, thank you for your comment. It has made the link so clear to how I was treated as a child, and my sense of worth and ability to take up space. ❤️🙏
I know this is an old comment but this certainly resonates with me. I was so quiet and unsure of myself in my teens and in early adulthood - only as I distanced myself more over time, I've come to realize in my 30's that I am actually a very, very talkative person and have a lot to say! At 32 I have finally made the decision to go no-contact, as every interaction and gaslighting threatens putting me back in that box and questioning my worth... I never want to be that person again. You deserve to be your full, authentic self.
I knew from the title that this was going to describe my husband. And wow, did it ever. I almost lost it when you mentioned the other person feeling like a ghost in their own home. I have said these exact words so many times. Thank you for shedding some light and making me feel less crazy. It really helps and gives me strength to know what exactly I am dealing with...
This is amazing. My narc parents, perfectly described. Their focus was on their professions and each other. I was only paid attention to when I made them proud in art. My art talent pushed me into the limelight a lot as a child. They liked that. Otherwise they couldn't care less about me. If I looked good, they praised it but as I got older, mom got competitive and jealous. Either way, I was last in importance. So I performed for attention but otherwise tried to be as invisible as possible.
Sounds like my life 😢
This was my story. It has put things in perspective for me. My ex was a neglectful narcissist and I became codependent in order to get some validation from anyone. Thank you and keep up the good work.
yes!
He treats no one else like this....I call it the "dirty little secret"...I'm beginning to think he exhibits traits of alexithymia........everyone else thinks he s such a great guy and I should never be upset with him......they do not see the word salad, insanely irrational gaslighting,lies,stonewalling,silent treatment.....emotionally avoidant and negligent...... etc etc.
Has taken me years to figure this out, with the help of Dr.Ramani (and others)....Life changing, and haven t been able to get out yet, but I will!
Sounds covert
I deeply can relate to your experience. After 25 years I am on my way out, it is very hard since he isnt the obviously "bad" guy
@Ms. Buschhorn at 67, and neglecting my well being for so long, I pray you are right....I just want a few good years so my granddaughter has sone fond memories of me.
My ex is known as the kindest, nicest and sweetest guy to family and friends and co workers, yet with me behind closed doors, he very comfortably takes his mask off and goes into full on narc mode when he feels like it......told me " I feel safe with you, I can be myself and you won't judge me" " you understand me, you are my little advisor" 😳
In the beginning he was such an awesome guy, but slowly his behavior started to change and it became very apparent when tough situations cropped up and he would leave me to deal with any hard difficult stressful stuff alone and would say I can't help you, I thought it strange words from him in the context of what was happening, he would start crying, pacing, like a very helpless child lost in a store and can't find his mother..... these instances began to increase in how often it happened...... a very scared and extremely fearful 4 year old toddler in an adult man's body😳
@@Kim-vs4vb they are definitely man-childs
This explains my marriage to a T. I've been with my husband for 17 years and within this time I have called myself subhuman and the backburner. He has yelled at me not to get a job out of his fears and insecurities then screamed at me to get a job all while taking care of the kids by myself because it makes him feel superior. He has absolutely nothing to do with his children and has put all the responsibilities on me while he goes to work (usually out of town for a week at a time) then comes home and only does what he wants to do. I've always said I'm just here for his convenience that it's his world we just exist in it. The silent treatment is the worst because when I bring up my concerns he says "I don't know what you're talking about" then goes on about his day smiling or singing doing what he wants to do while I sit and cry trying to figure out how to get through to him. This is how I discovered these videos and it has been so eye opening that I'm not the only one going through this and that there's actual words for this type of behavior. Dr. Ramani you are heaven sent and I truly appreciate everything you do, you're amazing and I thank you.
I knew my ex husband was a narc but now I know what kind he was!!! Thank you a million times for explaining this to us, its so validating.
My ex used to say that I was an interesting person. And I would say then why hasn't 'interesting' lead to you being 'interested'. He'd just give me that narcissistic blank stare. The blank stare, it's the chief weapon of the neglectful narcissist. The withholding of attention is how they control you. They take a tendency toward co-dependency and fan the flame until it's a full-blown neurosis.
I can relate completely. I often complain that I must be extremely boring. He always denies it, but I know he thinks he knows me completely; what's to learn after 28 years? At least that's how I feel. He's finally interested in spending time with our older children because it makes him feel important. They were WAY too much work and annoyance when little. I do get attention and occasional praise when he wants me to cook. I guess I'm useful for something besides raising the kids....
@@robb4cubs this is me and mine
Painfully accurate. The silences...the playing dumb...give me a break!
The blank stare, I know it well. It was actually scary, looking into empty eyes.
Oh, how I came to despise that cowardly stare.
Neglectful narcissists May be “ashamed” of their partner during their devalue phase of the relationship (-having “discovered” that their partner isn’t perfect).
Oh I just stop bothering to impress, now I'm onto not asking him to repeat what he's said to me when I've not heard properly!
😱 😯 🙊 😖 😺 😽
LW On the Rez 💯
Exactly. That how the whole dynamics of neglect evolves
Interesting...
Yeah I think the devalue phase started cause my ex was purposely refusing to kiss me and I asked him why and he said it was because I had hairs on my face & he said it directly to my face with no remorse & then said “I just wanted to be honest with you” lmao no he wanted to put me down.
Thank you 🙏 for this video and everyone for your comments. After 30 years, this is the missing piece of the puzzle. I didn’t know anyone else knew what I was going through, and now I have words and validation for my own personal hell. 😞
🌠❤🔥🌠
So so true! It's been 33 years of marriage for me also. Finally some level of understanding to the pain I have endured.
I feel like you are in my living room with me and we're having a cup of coffee and a chat! Thank you for these videos, so helpful 😊. I have been searching for"the lazy narcissist" for a long time, no videos out there about that. My experience with the narcissist in my life is that he/she does very little to help self or others. When they do the smallest act of service, they're talking about how marvelous they are, and how difficult it was forever!! Truth is, they pawn off any work that needs done on unsuspecting people, and God help you if you point it out to them!!
My ex narc
Me, too!!!
Truth 🙌
She amazes me every time
This one brings tears to my eyes. It’s my life. I’m almost out, but it’s been a very long haul. A looong lonely haul. I wasn’t even allowed to have a name. “ Hey, can you help me out here?” My name is Hey. This video earns five ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️!!!
mine never uses my name i noticed that years ago
I was in a relationship with a neglectful narcissist until he discarded me. All these ten years he never called me by my name. I still don't understand the reason. I was an object to him?
@@asiminakaramixou9191 : Yes, and... according to Dr.Sam Vaknin, ALL people are objects to a narc, feeding their need. We are not humans with feelings. They don’t understand feelings. When your source of fuel diminishes ( you start to see the light, you don’t follow orders as well, you establish boundaries, you are not as impressive to his associates = when you look good he looks good) then he looks elsewhere. They never wanted “us”. They only wanted the feeling owning us gave them. Notice when their “friends” quit worshipping the ground they walk on, there is no longer a friendship. Right?
@@vicbaker8367 Thank you so much for answering my question. You are so right. For them you exist only to serve their purpose. When you stop pleases them, they throw you like garbage.
“I am NOT interested in what I’m NOT interested in and YOU are not going to change that!!!” I was talking about his family. Wife and kids.
It's very unsettling whenever my fiancee will acknowledge everyone in the room except for me,I feel like a ghost to her and it really plays with my mind and emotions.
Setting up and enforcing boundaries is a cue for them to be neglectful and destructive.
Right on the money!❤
Most times, they just walk right thru your boundaries!
And, I love it when they just "know," what you're thinking!
And yea, my narcs ignore me. Especially when I'm either in their presence or not. I'm the one who has to be caring, validating, and empathetic for them. Never for me!
L RM and they hang on to the one good thing they do for you and expect to see unlimited return on that investment in the form of entitlement of all sorts. Set up and enforce a boundary for this and the devaluing and discarding begins. Basically telling them no. ✌🏼
Spot on!
They hate to know that you deserve better that them and try to lower your standards by covertly abusing you and making it look like it was unintentional and you are making a big fuss about it. They get so much sadistic pleasure out of that.
Married over 21 years and finally understanding my husband is a neglectful narcissist. He hates having any type of communication with me or our children, but he loves to socialize with others! He goes out every single night after work and on his days off! We don’t speak more than 10 words a day. Heartbroken, but Desperate to get away- he’ll never change- he’ll never care-
Fascinating. For most of my marriage, I was certain that my ex-husband had AHDH. After separating, my new therapist identified him as a narcissist. I had no idea there could be such an overlap of behaviours between these two mental health issues.
Stephanie Kelford,You got a lovely smile
Creepy comment 😳
Narcissism can occur along with and be impacted by other mental issues...it all depends how pronounced it is to be seen as a full blown diagnosis. For instance someone can have tendencies towards narcissistic behaviors that are being amped up by another underlying issue and those tendencies ease up greatly or go away as they address the root cause. A true narcissist probably wouldn't even seek help or think there is a problem.
Wow. I lived with my narc ex for 2.5 years. When we moved to a condo, I paid for the rent and every bill myself. Then I bought a house, same deal. He was sour every day. I was good to him. We weren’t having sex, he was sleeping downstairs on the couch (due to his work schedule pfff riiiight). It was like living with an angry gay man.
I hope you left him and realizes you deserved someone who love respect you gb u
Ms. Buschhorn - so sorry you had to deal with that - sometimes it takes some major inner-work to figure these things out.
Olikia Hill - I threw him out of my house and taking a long break from dating to get stronger and to realize unhealthy patterns in relationships.
He may have had secret Affairs like my ex. 30 + years together. No idea how many affairs through the years. He was so secretive, so distant, so neglectful. I lost my entire life.
wow i think of mine as an angry gay man
My ex seemed to swing between most of the types of narcissist. However there was always an under current of bad temper and mean spirited BS
I think none is strictly one type.Its always a little bit of each type.
@@stillirise6086 the personality disorders all overlap. None take any responsibility in the end. They don't want to be judged. That's it in a nutshell. Run for your life if you're involved with one. No medication on earth will fix them. Years of therapy do nothing except making their therapists crazier then their patients/clients.
You said a mouthful! That rings true for me.
It is all abusive bs
I began to suspect a few time ago that my husband was a narcissist, but some parts were not matching at all. Now all makes sense. I am married since last 30 years. All signs were there, but I was ignorant. Thank you so much. I don´t get hurt particularly since past 5 years, when I started to be emotional de-attached from him also. I would still marry him, because I have the most 2 perfect sons a woman can wish. I am too wounded and insecure about myself to seek another life. There is some kind of weird freedom when we start to not expect nothing at all from our life partner. We can not suffer anymore.
Same here
I’m always waiting for him to be the man and come and hug me and say “ everything is going to be alright, I love you”
36 years of this....I died on the vine for sure!!!
I’m there with sis! Let’s challenge ourself NOT to die miserable. Let us find peace.. not as the world giveth, but reach for loving and healing ourselves at all cost🙏💕
20 years...he dumped me 3 months ago for new supply.
No contact anymore...I am hurting but determined to get out of it and have a couple of happy years before I go 😔😊
I just had 35th wedding anniversary. So sad that this video is so spot on!
30 years for me... Completely numb now 🥺
@@Karlien68 Hang in there Karlien! 30 years for me, desperate to escape and completely alone.
Doctor Ramani, this is my story and I really needed it to be legitimatized, at least so I would understand why I almost died of emotional neglect like a lab monkey that isn't allowed to be touched, to see what happens to it. It died.
So sad :(
Yes, dear one. I felt that way in my marriage and it makes you feel much more alone to be around someone purposely ignoring you than to simply be alone. So, I finally left and after getting over the disillusionment/heartbreak/fear/numbness (it took me about 1 year totally alone in the woods before the trauma bond really felt like it was unraveling)... I am SOOOOO peaceful and relaxed in my own skin. The cats give me more acknowledgement than he ever did (after the love bombing anyway). I thought I'd NEVER heal but HALLELUHIAH!! I have FINALLY arrived. I am NOT in any other relationship and if I live alone the rest of my life, I HONESTLY feel great about it because I am drama free, peaceful, growing, healthy, loving God, praying, exercising, going for long walks, reading books I love, working on my career. If a HEALTHY man appears, we could be friends and maybe more someday, but it's 100% ok if one never shows up... I learned how to let me be me, how to play, how to forgive myself and him. He's not showing you YOUR worth... He's showing you HIS LIMITED CAPACITY TO LOVE. Let him find a pint person to match his pint love. You go love yourself a gallon and find another gallon man you can love and have reciprocation with. He does not define nor determine your value. God defined it and you are priceless.
@@christianone6611 Nice words very positive so glad you are at peace.
Christian One Excellent words! Sis, that same explanation on Pint size Love and Gallon size love. I heard TD Jakes preached on it years ago and Thanks again for the reminder . Blessings!🙏💕
@@christianone6611 "He's not showing you YOUR worth... He's showing you HIS LIMITED CAPACITY TO LOVE" makes me sad for him :/ I still love him so I worry about him, but everything you said is true and I am going to find ways to take care of my needs. I've already decided not to accept the breadcrumb-ing anymore; this is all brand new to me still
Ya! That’s my husband. He seemed over the moon in the beginning but as soon as our daughter was born, it went from 10 to 0. Now he sleeps on the couch, works 7 days a week-18 hours a day. (Yes! He leaves the house before I wake up and comes back at 3 AM while I’m asleep), at times he disappears for two days, when he is home, he eats, takes a shower and falls asleep on the couch while I’m talking to him. Doesn’t remember my birthday, our anniversary, doesn’t celebrate Christmas, New Year’s Day, Independence Day or the kid’s birthdays. He just seems uninterested in me and the kids. It’s a very lonely life. Wheather I buy a new dress and change my hair style, he doesn’t notice
I think this is also learned behaviour from other people ignoring them in childhood
6:19 “Perhaps in the beginning there may have been a little bit more interest and engagement… “ Then it looks like a person slowly disappearing...
PAY ATTENTION TO THIS👇🏽👇🏽👏🏽❗️❗️⬇️⬇️
6:37 “...and a real vulnerability here, is that people who may not believe that they deserve more attention or more of a person’s regard, can actually rather easily fall in with neglectful narcissists…”
I love Dr. Ramani, and all her insight and info on all types of narcissists. But maybe more important than understanding the narcissist, we owe to ourselves to understand why we might be predisposed to the self punishment of getting tangled with or submitting to one.
E Marie very true- so much introspection needed
Lisa Romano is really good at awakening codependents, she calls it living below the veil of consciousness. Dr Ramani is good at explaining the narcissists and all the terminologies involved in this pathology.
It happened to me because I was a neglected child. That is how I could endure a narcissist husband through my adulthood .
I don’t subscribe to the idea that those of us who are snared by a narc are any more screwed up than the average person.
Don’t you know people who are total people-pleasers that don’t get a narc?
Don’t you know others who are WAY more dysfunctional than you, but somehow don’t get sentenced to narc abuse?
Sure there is a correlation between childhood abuse and survivors of narc abuse. There’s also a correlation between childhood sexual abuse and rape in adulthood. Yet, nobody with a heart would dole out a label to the rape victim--unless they are cruel.
It’s just as cruel to assign dysfunction to a narc survivor.
Plus, it is simply scientifically impossible to determine what the mental state of a victim was BEFORE the abuse. How would we determine that without taking a “normal” person and subjecting them to narc abuse?
If it was some flaw in our psyches that allowed the abuse, the narc wouldn’t be so good at turning everyone against us. The spectrum is important, because some of them master their script better than others. Two people believed me out of dozens and downs. Some of them have known them for decades.
His mask is glued on. It’s creepy as hell. And I won’t take ownership of choosing.the narc anymore than I’d feel responsible for buying spoiled milk when the date on the label said it was fresh.
There are laws against selling Leon cars, and presenting a product deceitfully. There are no laws against duping someone into a relationship.
I’m not co-dependent. Most of the survivors I interact with aren’t either. It’s a bullshit label that makes others feel protected. If they admitted that it could be random, they’d be too scared that it could happen to them.
Amy Kline fair point. Definitely fair point. 👍🏽
The one person that gave a thumbs-down is one of these narcissist probably
Ms. Buschhorn what?
@Ms. Buschhorn That's crazy!! I'm praying for your safety!
YES! This is my mother and older sister! I'm like the last person on their list but they like to have me around just not listen or try to get to know me. I'm like a pet to my whole family of origin that want's the mirror image of showing affection to me, racing hope for validation but then just shut's down, walk away or change plans.
I feel crazy for feeling this way and trying to tell anyone but a special therapist that understand about this type of dynamic.
I'm so hurt, confused and ashamed of feeling the way I do, I did before understanding this type of Narcissist.
It's sort of strange that neglect, invalidation can cause to much hurt, as much as agressive abuse does but something we all probably are learning from this pandemic. We are hardwired for connection, being validated. When that doesn't happen or it constantly shuts down, like a bad It or phone connection we feel disturbed, agitated, frustrated, stressed, anxious! H eureka I think I found the core to allot of my health issues, at last!
Thank's so much for making these videos!
You have explained my circumstance exactly. It is so hard to explain it to those in your life. Devalued and discarded.
This is my dad to a T. He almost never came to school/sporting events, because he just wasn't interested. Hell he even missed my high school graduation. Whenever someone starts sharing things that are going on in their own lives he leaves the room, because he just isn't interested. After I moved away from home he called maybe once or twice a year to see how my family was doing, because he just wasn't interested
Hi Paige, im really sorry to hear that.
Horrible. Both of my parents are like that.
Paige, my Mum is like this. We are not the ones with the problems. stay you.
That’s terribly sad.
My father is the same. It's horrible. I send you a big hug
Thank you so much for this term. I am being neglected after being put on the shelf.
I have been going to my church every Sunday and most Wednesdays for over a year. Last month I went to a women’s Bible study with many of the women a I knew from church. It was so hard when I told my women’s Bible study about how my husband neglected me right after we got married and right around the time that my job got taken away due to COVID-19. I was shocked when one of the women said, “ Well a lot of people were struggling then.” This was so invalidating and I was surprised that none of the women stood up for me or could see that I was bringing this up because it wasn’t something that I just struggled with back then but still struggle with to this day. This is why I don’t usually reach out to anyone about how I am being mistreated because whenever I do, it always just makes me feel worse and more invaluable. Shame on people that disregard those who are desperately reaching out for help. . I am so thankful to have found this channel that actually acknowledges reality.
Women who are married with old fashioned tendencies are probably the worst "support system" you could come across.
My mom confided with her MIL that that he beat her. "That's how it is".
For you! Not for me.
Thank you for doing this! This is my mother! I’m always shocked when other narc mom’s have conversations with their kids
Yes! Yes! Yes! This is my husband! I've been calling him a lazy narcissist b/c I dont know how to explain it. His narcissistic validation he needs is for people to think he works hard. But he only makes it sound like he does. ATM he hasn't even worked for 11 weeks, but he will start yelling and throwing a tantrum if you hint that he should play with the kids since he's home all day. I know better than to bring up him helping with housework. So now I'm working double to pickup his slack, and he mocks me for not making as much as he did when he did work.
I'm so sorry to hear that. You have some decisions to make here. I wish you luck.
You're amazing Amber! Sorry he's such a dickhead!
If my husband refuses to do his part, I insist. I stop doing most of the things HE should do himself some time ago (but only after 27 years of marriage, haha), but it means that I must tolerate the mess he does and leaves behind him. He is very good in forgetting his promises. His favorite phrase is, "This should be done", or "We should", which means "YOU should", of course.
I fell into that pattern too. It was easier to pick up more slack than ask for help from him because it resulted in so much drama 😞
Fialka Vonava same here. The best decision I ever made was leaving
I see this in my children’s relationship with their father. They are victims of emotional neglect, never having had him around to be a part of their life. I used to think that he was doing it deliberately to hurt me because our relationship was never a healthy one from the start. What was baffling to me all along was the fact that he seemed pretty ‘normal’ with his nieces and nephews but reserved the detached indifference for his own children. Looking forward to hearing more about this, Dr Ramani.
I too experienced this.My daughter's father was emotionally detached from her.They could be sitting in the same room for over an hour and he'll not say a word to her.Meanwhile he'll be on his phone throughout talking and laughing with his friends.Its very painful to watch your child going through this....a present yet a very absent father.
:O
Its terrible
@@stillirise6086 That was my experience as a child, knowing that my father was quite capable of laughing and interacting in wonderful ways with my friends, who all thought he was wonderful, and yet I swear if his life depended on it, he would not acknowledge my presence if we were alone. It was actually worse than feeling "invisible"; I knew I was in the minus category.
It's good to learn, they loose their power as we see them for what they are, perhaps even not taking it all as personally.
This was my life to a t. This was my husband exactly. He broke my soul. So evil. So hurtful. Starved on every level emotionally, intimately. I ceased to exist. No acknowledgment, however, he was vigilant in maintaining active relationships with everyone else. The only emotion he was quick in response to was anger, and rage. Very manipulative. Calculating, controlling and enacting punishment. Spot on evaluation by Dr Ramani.
Message received. I wasn't sure about categorizing my last relationship as a narcissistic one but you've described everything I experienced to a tee... He was obsessed with work and buying a condo but really seemed indifferent to me most of the time and would get annoyed when I demanded more effort. He also was weird about money, refused to commit, and would get angry about dumb things. But when we did talk about things he would get emotional and tear up which made me think he just needed more time. He truly has no interest in my life. So it's time to escape this relationship for good and move on with my life. I broke up with him in January and still stayed in touch. This is just fear of not finding someone else. Which is a very real outcome given how little I've dated in my life but it was horrible feeling devalued. I dont want to go back to that space. Deleting him from social media and my phone for good now.
While out shopping, mine would go home and "forget" me at the store. Then laughingly shrug it off.
Yeah this happened to me and it was extremely traumatizing. I was having bad vertigo at the time and didn’t have my phone on me. Such a scary experience. I can’t believe they treat other humans like this
Yes they leave you in strange places. Disoriented and scared.
Mine left me at a convenience store, we were on vacation and while he was getting gas I ran in to use the restroom- came out and no husband, no car anywhere- I’d left my phone in the car- I didn’t know where I was or what was going on- I sat down inside and cried- 45 minutes later he comes back and said he’d went to find cheaper gas! He’s gone now thank goodness! Weirdos
@@Andromeda_M31 Gosh 😪
My mother "forgot" to invite me, my husband and kids to the big family reunion/vacation. Yeah.
The narc survivors, let us all be proud of what we have undergone, that shows our resilience, strength and power of letting go.Who are we not to trust in God? We all will have abundance of love and happiness,just that narc wasn't right for us.
That’s so accurate
I’ve been puzzling about which category my ex fell into in the narcissism spectrum and neglectful narcissist just sums him up.
I had the misfortune to be introduced to him by one of his flying monkeys who was a friend of mine. She had then no recognition of his narcissism and still will now not accept this diagnosis from me. She had been a friend of him and his wife who had died a year before she introduced him to me. I suffered from his perfect mask, the grieving widower, which he paraded at every single opportunity. A constant portrayal of a sad victim. Sadly for me her death turned her into a saint. I longed to be able to talk to her about him but obviously I couldn’t. I only put the jigsaw together from snippets people told me. She loved to spend his money and by some accounts was not that nice a person. I suspect she kept him down as much as he would have kept her down.
Since her death his house had become a complete shrine to her, copies of her funeral service still on his piano. As his new girlfriend I was sympathetic at first but soon I had to suffer the indignity of being surrounded by images of her when I spent time at his house. Having a shower and having to look at a giant print of her face. Having sex in his bed surrounded by her scarves and jewellery. All through the relationship I felt under appreciated and ignored, apart from the strong physical connection. I would say something and he would repeat it word for word back to me. I would say ‘I just said that’ and he would reply that he was agreeing with me. But he wasn’t, he was making sure that he was in control.
The epitome of his lack of regard for me was the morning of my 60th birthday when I awoke to the sound of him scratching a birthday card together with paper and crayons he found on the desk. The card is a classic piece of gaslighting, referencing both my great age and his idea that I was deaf. I’m not deaf; he mumbled. Clearly I didn’t even merit being spoken audibly to. On my 60th birthday evening he took me to dinner to a restaurant he had been to with his late wife and his children.
I helped him with his amateur dramatics and he poured all his time and energy into that, my contribution I see now was to make him look good. I received scant support praise and appreciation for my huge efforts. When we finally split up I told him I felt like an actress in his play. I’m glad I said that. It was true and I didn’t even know at that point about narcissism and what I was dealing with.
Only after the relationship ended did I discover the truth about narcissism which has been a life saver for me. I felt let off the hook, not responsible for the failure. I did everything I could to keep it going. I see the pattern of narcissism in my absent father and understood finally my own trauma at having it resurrected subsequently in this.
My ex’s own sad neglected upbringing was exactly as Dr Ramani describes and his being packed off to boarding school at aged nine only cemented his burgeoning narcissistic personality. Playing the fool for attention. Doing very little work. When I met him he hadn’t read a novel for 40 years, despite being a journalist by profession. He had no interest in culture of any sort, save the theatrical parts he played.
We would holiday in Greece together ostensibly so that he could lie on a beach and have me help him learn his lines. He took his new feed there a year after they got together, after taking her to the same shows he and I went to. I put this down to his inherent laziness rather than any spite but it hurt like hell.
Gradually when I was with him I felt my energy, enthusiasm and even my life blood draining away. He began his new relationship while we were still together, a brand new feed from his choir mistress who is 24 years his junior. Interestingly the same age gap as Trump and Johnson (two poster boys of narcissism) have with their partners. She is a damaged soul with a history of alcohol and drug dependency and a (short as it is) lifetime of anti depressants. I suspect she is an introverted narcissist. I should imagine it’s a fairly arid and shallow relationship with both of them vying for feeding and him ignoring her.
Good luck to them but it’s taken me 2 ½ years of recovery to reach this stage. The memory of him chills me and even though he would tell me he has ‘fond memories’ - ones he seems eager to overwrite with her - I cannot say I have one fond memory of him. Infused as they all are with my memory of how I felt at the time - bewildered, belittled and so lonely. He was utterly uninterested in my interests and there was not one day when I didn’t feel sad at the thought that I couldn’t share anything with him. His young feed must bring him the energy that he sapped from me.
Deeds not words. Pay attention to their deeds. They give themselves away.
Thank you for sharing this. That was a lot of effort, and I hope releasing the truth helped you feel better.
Thank you ❤🔥🌠
Just realizing my husband is everything you just described. Thank you for this video. He starved me of emotions, never celebrated my wins or comforted me in my losses. He’s been a great provider, always giving me as little as possible just to keep me hanging in there long enough. But it all makes sense now, especially all the silent treatments and non existent communication or emotional connection