Everything she says is so real. The constant sarcasm to make you small and keep you small. You can’t take a joke-that is a no win conversation. And the gaslighting-that never really happened.
This needs to be understood on a larger scale. If you get my meaning. This is not only pschological war. Its spiritual war. Both on a personal level and a societal level.
This behaviour is far too often enabled - by being labeled as ‘sarcasm’. The ‘sarcastic one’ is painted as a jovial person, simply trying to lighten the atmospheric or get a laugh. When, in fact…if you are paying attention, their sarcasm is always directed towards someone. Whoever their target happens to be in that moment. Children are often on the receiving end of the sarcasm, because adults are less likely to simply stay quiet and ‘swallow the intended humiliation’…while everyone else howls in laughter. Abuse…is abuse…is abuse. A laugh, should never be at another person’s expense.
Damn. Thank you for the validation....I've lost friends because I've spoken up about this behavior. I'm finally recovering from the exhaustion...and worse, physical ailments over time.
You are so welcome. Speaking up to give someone a chance to change is a double-edged sword. They may appreciate it and things improve. Or, they may be unable to handle what they perceive as criticism and put the blame on you. Good for you for caring about yourself enough to move away from tolerating these behaviors.
Kimberley, Ontario CANADA is full of villagers that do nothing but microaggressions on a constant basis especially The General Store and the pizza place, pretty scary stuff that's for sure. Took me nine years to recoup. Everything was right on in this vid. Thank you Dr. Shaler.
Constantly experienced/experience these with my father. Always a snide remark, a condescension, a back handed comment about myself or my appearance.I never recognized them until a year or so ago. I think these are part of the reason I’ve internalized the thought I’m a bad/fundamentally flawed person.
Seeing these microaggressions--and, usually a few macroaggressions, too--can certainly help you see that the people in your life who told you who you are were very unreliable, right?
So interesting to put a name on all that little nasty things going on and get that great idea of how to respond without stepping into their aggresion game. Thanks so much!
If it has manipulated someone to the point that all that blame shifting has ended up that the actual victim is in jail its gone to far and individuals responsible for turning things upside down are very dangerous and best to escape if possible, some of them have ways of stocking from great distances.... be careful!
I have the right to think and feel what I want and prefer, but when I vocalize these things just like you tell us to, mine puts a spin on that and tells me it's because I don't care what she has to say and that's just a way that she can keep fights going and keep pushing for control. I love all the stuff that you have on here, and it's really helped me a lot so far but not all of it always works especially with the more stubborn hijackles.
Why does the aggressor have credibility with others? Others aren't participating in it, can see it, don't stand up to it, & just let it ride- they're relieved not to be the target, as long as you are the chosen one under fire they're not. 🙄😨
There are many manipulations that aggressors also use. It could be that onlookers have seen the nasty traits of the aggressor and don't want to turn the focus on themselves. Or, the aggressor has made it clear that they demand loyalty. And, you're right: they're relieved not to be the target.
I've been married for 27 years and I can say that a microaggression averages every few days about work, time I spend with friends or the kids, my interest in outside activities. It's interspersed with kindness. I feel weathered but it's very hard for me to justify saying that I need to leave when I've put up with it for so long and there is also kindness along the way. I've asked him to stop the jabs. When I point out jabs, I'm too sensitive or he's just kidding. I know that's not ok, but it's so easy to compartmentalize and just move on. I just can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life though. Can you be love-bombed for 27 years in between microaggressions? Just ruminating...
That's hard. You may be experiencing the push and pull of borderline tendencies more than narcissistic ones. In that case, the kindness can be real, and is unfortunately coupled with the nastiness. Does it ever feel as though he is genuinely ever sorry for his nastiness, even though he does it again?
Excellent video.....I am a long-time victim if micro aggressions....now completely healing & turning the tables with integrity 💛......thank you so much 💕
The toxic narc triggered my drinking and PTSD knowing that I was in recovery (22 years). gaslit me And now uses it against me, Now I'm in a mental and emotional hell. spiraling out of control
Extremely interesting podcast, doctor Shaler! Thank you! I think nowdays it is becoming easier to find books and articles about Narcissists, butit is difficult to identify this small verbal microagression- It is like a moscito which bites.
Mine is an elderly person ,she will do work and work to the level of exhaustion and makes sure she gets noticed by her flying monkeys . Most of the times jobs she takes up are not necessary and have easy way of doing them but she will make it look huge . Any body here who have experienced it . They make their jobs appear the toughest ones and their "age" factor is like icing on the cake ,which everyone take notice of . The worst part is nobody gets it,how psychologically it's affecting you . I have spoken to almost everyone who I can trust but none of them really gets it .
What you're describing seems to be a covert strategy of some folks with narcissistic tendencies: they are looking for validation, attention, and praise along with pity. They like to place themselves as the victim of circumstances and derive attention that way. You're right. They fool many people. The thing is to stop enabling them. I've done videos on that that might be of interest to you.
So true, too bad I found this channel too late, why do they do it? Do they study these evil things specifically, how to hurt and manipulate others? And how to live with one?
They don't study these things purposefully, however, they respond and react to their upbringing. In most cases, this is how Hijackal traits are developed. They learn they need to "win" in all situations in order to feel safe, large, and in charge.
Thanks! I hope you find it helpful. I explain in in-depth in my book, Kaizen for Couples! www.amazon.com/Kaizen-Couples-Sustain-Strengthen-Relationship/dp/0971168962/ref=sr_1_1?crid=13SJQC7O8PK62&dchild=1&keywords=kaizen+for+couples&qid=1619039871&sprefix=kaizen+for+cou%2Caps%2C197&sr=8-1
I have experienced racial microagressions. And I have experienced this and they have hurt me. Cause I dont feel accepted. I want to know how to overcome them. Being of indian descent, however most of my family have been in britian since ww2. And not only that I'm an immigrant, I came to america when I was young. When I tell people that I'm from england they dont believe me because of my skin color. And im sick of people treating me like im subhuman. The charecter I related to the most is will hunting from good will hunting. Why, is because he has experiences that are similar to mine.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. As you likely know, the term, microaggressions, actually began in conversations about racism. Hijackals are infamous for their use of microaggressions. Put it all together and it can be so damaging. Wouldn't it be such progress if people simply saw other humans who are going through life with the same joys, pains, successes, and sorrows as one another?
@@ForRelationshipHelp It would. Thanks for responding to my post. I wanna find a good therapist, who doesnt engage in microagressions. My last therapist hurt me dearly, when I brought up a story when someone committed a microagressions against me when I said I was from england and that woman said, "you dont look like your from england". When i said this to my therapist she said, "that woman is right cause when i went there in the 1980s there was nothing but white people." Which offended me alot cause not only she sided with my attacker but she said that i dont exist and england is not my country. She factually incorrect as well, when looking up stats from that era, shes wrong. Thanks for reaching out to me. I'm glad I'm able to share my story with you.
Oh my goodness. My entire upbringing. Snide comments. In public. Thanks for calling out the nastiness. Constantly doubting yourself. “You are too sensitive.” Constant pricks and pokes until you are out of blood. And if you do finally say something the aggressor has such credibility the family and friends make you out to be the bad, unreasonable one.
This all from the same person. 1) dinner table: "give me xxx, please." "This one?" "You're getting deaf. (beat) But that's normal when getting older." 2) staircase: "They really replied fast, I gonna get this job." "Don't get you hopes up." "I'm a perfect match." "There are probably a 1000 people applying for that job." "I've already done the same exact job elsewhere." "So you gonna have to occupy yourself with those stupid type of products again?" 3) extended family meeting, dinner table. Out of the blue: "He (meaning me) is the perfect example of someone not taking care of his diet and miracously staying healthy. 4) Me, smoking outside with neighbors. Out of the blue: "He (meaning me) only started smoking in his 30ties, that's so dumb." 5) I decline going for hike, I'm an introvert and rather spend time alone most of the time. I can't unscramble the tirade of words spilling out of their voice but it's berating, diminishing, high pitched and excessively agressive. 6) I decline going out for a hike because I want to occupy myself with a particular "stupid product" (see above) so I'm prepared for the job interview. I get an "Aha", you can make "Aha" sound "You are wrong to prefer that over taking a hike with me." 7) "Aren't you helping X who is in such need not at all anymore." (I help x whenever they need me but wasn't needed a few days in a row.) and so on and so and so on. 8) I finally snap and tell them above examples on how they are treating me. I say it's disrespectful. "I only care because I love you" (now they want me make to feel bad that I took it the wrong way). At the end of the conversation my complaint has turned into that I obviously require respect from people from usual and that I'm at fault of not getting it because XXX (more judgemental and berating comments AGAIN, the very behavior I complained about. YOU CAN'T WIN. I AM UNDER SURVEILLANCE. I AM CONSTANTLY JUDGED AND BERATED. THEY USE AGREEABLY REASONABLE(!) TOPICS AND ARGUMENTS. THE PROBLEM IS THEY MAKE THEMSELVES THE ARBITER OF THAT AND LET ME AND EVERYONE ELSE KNOW ABOUT THEIR DISAPPROVAL. IT IS NOT THEIR PLACE. IT WOULDN'T BE MY PLACE IF IT WAS THEM EITHER. YOU JUST DON'T TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE THAT.
Everything she says is so real. The constant sarcasm to make you small and keep you small. You can’t take a joke-that is a no win conversation. And the gaslighting-that never really happened.
It's sadly true, and so pervasive.
This needs to be understood on a larger scale. If you get my meaning. This is not only pschological war. Its spiritual war. Both on a personal level and a societal level.
You're right.
This behaviour is far too often enabled - by being labeled as ‘sarcasm’. The ‘sarcastic one’ is painted as a jovial person, simply trying to lighten the atmospheric or get a laugh. When, in fact…if you are paying attention, their sarcasm is always directed towards someone. Whoever their target happens to be in that moment. Children are often on the receiving end of the sarcasm, because adults are less likely to simply stay quiet and ‘swallow the intended humiliation’…while everyone else howls in laughter. Abuse…is abuse…is abuse. A laugh, should never be at another person’s expense.
Yes, it's abusive. I've heard it said that sarcasm is the lowest form of anger. There's some truth there, right?
Damn. Thank you for the validation....I've lost friends because I've spoken up about this behavior. I'm finally recovering from the exhaustion...and worse, physical ailments over time.
You are so welcome. Speaking up to give someone a chance to change is a double-edged sword. They may appreciate it and things improve. Or, they may be unable to handle what they perceive as criticism and put the blame on you. Good for you for caring about yourself enough to move away from tolerating these behaviors.
Kimberley, Ontario CANADA is full of villagers that do nothing but microaggressions on a constant basis especially The General Store and the pizza place, pretty scary stuff that's for sure. Took me nine years to recoup. Everything was right on in this vid. Thank you Dr. Shaler.
What you’re saying makes sense. I’ve been getting that from both Thing One and Thing Two and in the work place.
Constantly experienced/experience these with my father. Always a snide remark, a condescension, a back handed comment about myself or my appearance.I never recognized them until a year or so ago. I think these are part of the reason I’ve internalized the thought I’m a bad/fundamentally flawed person.
Seeing these microaggressions--and, usually a few macroaggressions, too--can certainly help you see that the people in your life who told you who you are were very unreliable, right?
So interesting to put a name on all that little nasty things going on and get that great idea of how to respond without stepping into their aggresion game. Thanks so much!
You're so welcome!
What has also happened is I have been the one turned into the narcissist, doesn’t surprise me.
I am glad I found you Dr. I love ur voice it’s so calming and u make this easy to absorb this information. Keep up the good work!!
Thank you, and welcome to my channel!
Thanks for painting such a clear picture of the recognisable situations!!!
You're welcome. Microaggressions are important to see.
If it has manipulated someone to the point that all that blame shifting has ended up that the actual victim is in jail its gone to far and individuals responsible for turning things upside down are very dangerous and best to escape if possible, some of them have ways of stocking from great distances.... be careful!
I have the right to think and feel what I want and prefer, but when I vocalize these things just like you tell us to, mine puts a spin on that and tells me it's because I don't care what she has to say and that's just a way that she can keep fights going and keep pushing for control. I love all the stuff that you have on here, and it's really helped me a lot so far but not all of it always works especially with the more stubborn hijackles.
Sometimes you just should say 'STOP IT'.
THEY ARE NOT JUST MEN, THERE ARE PLENTY OF WOMEN HI-JACKALS TOO!
Why does the aggressor have credibility with others? Others aren't participating in it, can see it, don't stand up to it, & just let it ride- they're relieved not to be the target, as long as you are the chosen one under fire they're not. 🙄😨
There are many manipulations that aggressors also use. It could be that onlookers have seen the nasty traits of the aggressor and don't want to turn the focus on themselves. Or, the aggressor has made it clear that they demand loyalty. And, you're right: they're relieved not to be the target.
I've been married for 27 years and I can say that a microaggression averages every few days about work, time I spend with friends or the kids, my interest in outside activities. It's interspersed with kindness. I feel weathered but it's very hard for me to justify saying that I need to leave when I've put up with it for so long and there is also kindness along the way. I've asked him to stop the jabs. When I point out jabs, I'm too sensitive or he's just kidding. I know that's not ok, but it's so easy to compartmentalize and just move on. I just can't imagine doing this for the rest of my life though. Can you be love-bombed for 27 years in between microaggressions? Just ruminating...
That's hard. You may be experiencing the push and pull of borderline tendencies more than narcissistic ones. In that case, the kindness can be real, and is unfortunately coupled with the nastiness. Does it ever feel as though he is genuinely ever sorry for his nastiness, even though he does it again?
Yes. He does.
Thank you for your podcasts. They are helpful!
@@ForRelationshipHelp
Excellent video.....I am a long-time victim if micro aggressions....now completely healing & turning the tables with integrity 💛......thank you so much 💕
You are so welcome. And, good for you!
Death by a thousand cuts.
Thank you Dr. Lots of good information
Much appreciated
Glad it was helpful!
The toxic narc triggered my drinking and PTSD knowing that I was in recovery (22 years). gaslit me And now uses it against me, Now I'm in a mental and emotional hell. spiraling out of control
That's difficult. Can you see yourself leaving the relationship?
Extremely interesting podcast, doctor Shaler! Thank you! I think nowdays it is becoming easier to find books and articles about Narcissists, butit is difficult to identify this small verbal microagression- It is like a moscito which bites.
Yes, good analogy. A bunch of mosquito bites can make you very uncomfortable, just like repeated microaggressions.
Mine is an elderly person ,she will do work and work to the level of exhaustion and makes sure she gets noticed by her flying monkeys . Most of the times jobs she takes up are not necessary and have easy way of doing them but she will make it look huge . Any body here who have experienced it . They make their jobs appear the toughest ones and their "age" factor is like icing on the cake ,which everyone take notice of . The worst part is nobody gets it,how psychologically it's affecting you . I have spoken to almost everyone who I can trust but none of them really gets it .
What you're describing seems to be a covert strategy of some folks with narcissistic tendencies: they are looking for validation, attention, and praise along with pity. They like to place themselves as the victim of circumstances and derive attention that way. You're right. They fool many people. The thing is to stop enabling them. I've done videos on that that might be of interest to you.
@@ForRelationshipHelp thank u so much for the reply ❤️
So true, too bad I found this channel too late, why do they do it? Do they study these evil things specifically, how to hurt and manipulate others? And how to live with one?
They don't study these things purposefully, however, they respond and react to their upbringing. In most cases, this is how Hijackal traits are developed. They learn they need to "win" in all situations in order to feel safe, large, and in charge.
Love the actual red flag 😂 glad I found you, thank you.
I'm glad you did, too. Welcome!
PWR is great. I'm going to use that where I can. Oh, the smear campaigner. Had one of those before too
Thanks!
I hope you find it helpful. I explain in in-depth in my book, Kaizen for Couples! www.amazon.com/Kaizen-Couples-Sustain-Strengthen-Relationship/dp/0971168962/ref=sr_1_1?crid=13SJQC7O8PK62&dchild=1&keywords=kaizen+for+couples&qid=1619039871&sprefix=kaizen+for+cou%2Caps%2C197&sr=8-1
I have experienced racial microagressions. And I have experienced this and they have hurt me. Cause I dont feel accepted. I want to know how to overcome them. Being of indian descent, however most of my family have been in britian since ww2. And not only that I'm an immigrant, I came to america when I was young. When I tell people that I'm from england they dont believe me because of my skin color. And im sick of people treating me like im subhuman. The charecter I related to the most is will hunting from good will hunting. Why, is because he has experiences that are similar to mine.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. As you likely know, the term, microaggressions, actually began in conversations about racism. Hijackals are infamous for their use of microaggressions. Put it all together and it can be so damaging.
Wouldn't it be such progress if people simply saw other humans who are going through life with the same joys, pains, successes, and sorrows as one another?
@@ForRelationshipHelp It would. Thanks for responding to my post. I wanna find a good therapist, who doesnt engage in microagressions. My last therapist hurt me dearly, when I brought up a story when someone committed a microagressions against me when I said I was from england and that woman said, "you dont look like your from england". When i said this to my therapist she said, "that woman is right cause when i went there in the 1980s there was nothing but white people." Which offended me alot cause not only she sided with my attacker but she said that i dont exist and england is not my country. She factually incorrect as well, when looking up stats from that era, shes wrong. Thanks for reaching out to me. I'm glad I'm able to share my story with you.
Oh my goodness. My entire upbringing. Snide comments. In public. Thanks for calling out the nastiness. Constantly doubting yourself. “You are too sensitive.” Constant pricks and pokes until you are out of blood. And if you do finally say something the aggressor has such credibility the family and friends make you out to be the bad, unreasonable one.
I'm sorry to hear that you suffered this. It's nasty, for sure.
Thank you.
You're welcome!
This all from the same person.
1) dinner table: "give me xxx, please." "This one?" "You're getting deaf. (beat) But that's normal when getting older."
2) staircase: "They really replied fast, I gonna get this job." "Don't get you hopes up." "I'm a perfect match." "There are probably a 1000 people applying for that job." "I've already done the same exact job elsewhere." "So you gonna have to occupy yourself with those stupid type of products again?"
3) extended family meeting, dinner table. Out of the blue: "He (meaning me) is the perfect example of someone not taking care of his diet and miracously staying healthy.
4) Me, smoking outside with neighbors. Out of the blue: "He (meaning me) only started smoking in his 30ties, that's so dumb."
5) I decline going for hike, I'm an introvert and rather spend time alone most of the time. I can't unscramble the tirade of words spilling out of their voice but it's berating, diminishing, high pitched and excessively agressive.
6) I decline going out for a hike because I want to occupy myself with a particular "stupid product" (see above) so I'm prepared for the job interview. I get an "Aha", you can make "Aha" sound "You are wrong to prefer that over taking a hike with me."
7) "Aren't you helping X who is in such need not at all anymore." (I help x whenever they need me but wasn't needed a few days in a row.)
and so on and so and so on.
8) I finally snap and tell them above examples on how they are treating me. I say it's disrespectful. "I only care because I love you" (now they want me make to feel bad that I took it the wrong way). At the end of the conversation my complaint has turned into that I obviously require respect from people from usual and that I'm at fault of not getting it because XXX (more judgemental and berating comments AGAIN, the very behavior I complained about. YOU CAN'T WIN.
I AM UNDER SURVEILLANCE. I AM CONSTANTLY JUDGED AND BERATED. THEY USE AGREEABLY REASONABLE(!) TOPICS AND ARGUMENTS. THE PROBLEM IS THEY MAKE THEMSELVES THE ARBITER OF THAT AND LET ME AND EVERYONE ELSE KNOW ABOUT THEIR DISAPPROVAL. IT IS NOT THEIR PLACE. IT WOULDN'T BE MY PLACE IF IT WAS THEM EITHER. YOU JUST DON'T TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE THAT.