believe i am in that current path. just spend most social events in my head… danced at a party for the 1st time just thee other day which i see as a stepping stone to being on that path. didnt imagine i would ever see myself willingly putting myself in such a social situation… when i wouldnt even want to do such alone in my room
As an introvert, I usually don't tell people about my goals because if I fail and they ask about it, they'll be disappointed. Instead if I told them a year later for example "yeah so I learned a language" the thing would already be done and I would skip that unbearable valley of 'I have to do the thing I told everyone I would do, now I'll fail and be so embarrassed'. This works for me. I do tell my husband usually because he's not easily impressed and knows what's up lol
Same!!! I was like "so I bought a house" and my friends were like wait what? 😂😂 I didn't mention the whole process of shopping around, closing, etc. I just told them after the fact
Yes. But if I have a task for my job without some preset deadline and I procrastinate I usually tell everyone about it to guilt trip myself into doing that task I promised to everyone.
@@artic1133 what's that supposed to mean? are you saying "real" doctors are a robot created in a factory who have no personal belief systems of their own? well I have news for you, doctors are people too, perhaps are you a Jordan Peterson fan? because that guy has ideology too lmao
I've basically lived my life by this principle and it carried me a long way, then started to fall apart in recent years. I think what I'm discovering is that at a certain point I'd put so much on myself that internalizing it no long worked as motivation _and_ I started robbing Peter to pay Paul in a very ADHD demotivating way. Now I'm finding that I need to put more effort into (privately) documenting my plans, intentions, and processes so that I can actively release pressure from one thing (both draining the motivation to do it and easing the anxiety over losing track of it or what I've figured out about it so far) in order to successfully focus pressure and motivation elsewhere.
Man so many of Dr. K's videos are like this for me. So many subtle aspects of my life that I'm aware of but have never been able to address or lay out in my mind are talked about on this channel.
Literally the first time I've ever heard someone try to teach the extroverts to shut up instead of the deluge of experts telling introverts to talk more, and I'm here for it!
@@S0NAL_ It would be true for some. Certainly that person. Thats her "take". So in YOUR personal experience no-one has ever urged you as a shy person to talk more. I have pleaded with shy people to talk more. I have two relatives who only say 6 words a week. So I can well understand Oinsichean's remark. Differing ages can affect our comparative experiences.
@@S0NAL_ Such an impetuous introvert you are. Silently waiting in ambush ?. Ambush predator? Your moniker is scary. A Cobra symbol then Motto Strike First Strike Hard NO mercy Cobra symbol. Venomous predator is your chosen ID. Moniker and your manner makes you look like a troll.
As a introvert myself, I am actually really glad for once that I am one, because I grew up in a family that believes being extroverts and active is “key to success” but now I come to appreciate the fact that I don’t needa be a extrovert to do what I love and succeed at it
Lmao. 😅 @@Sasukesanimation. Tell your family a list of the CEOs and true creators of every single I mean it almost every single big company out there and watch their leaders in interview . All of them have been an introvert personality. Tell them extroverts always end up working for these introverts at the top. Which is not a bad things it's just stop beating yourself up over this.
Hell yeah, us Introverts have the high ground and unfair advantage, and the extroverts haven't paid attention or noticed yet. I say this as an introvert myself.
The "language as a substitute for action" part I can very much relate. The more I discuss doing something, the less likely I am to follow through, more than 90% of the time.
This is honestly 100% true. In my experience, I quit my job recently so I could go all-in on becoming a professional artist. I was so hyped and so proud that I went around and told everybody I knew. 2 months in I was completely burnt out and not doing anything but wasting time playing video games when I was supposed to be studying and practicing. Everybody hyping me up for it gave me that artificial pat on the back and it left me completely stagnant in my progress. Conversely, I started going to the gym for the first time in 5 or 6 years and haven't told anyone other than my gf, and I've only missed 1 day in a month and a half. Keeping things related to your goals to yourself really does help you get a lot more mileage out of those things because there's no finish line, no extra pressure, nobody to try to impress or nobody to prove to that you were right, not lying, etc. But most importantly, no invalid validation. No fake pats on the back. Just you and the task at hand, and that really helps me thrive personally.
''Keeping things related to your goals to yourself really does help you get a lot more mileage out of those things because there's no finish line, no extra pressure, nobody to try to impress or nobody to prove to that you were right, not lying, etc.'' That part felt like a slap on the face to me. Hear me out. I spent SO MANY DAYS in my childhood and teenage years telling eveerrryyyoonee who had working ears about my goals. I wanted to have this ''told ya!'' moment when I was older and achieving everything I wanted. Fast forward to my adulthood, I achieved absolutely nothing from what I wanted and it made me extremely depressed. But after a bit of reflection, I realized that I was more depressed because I didn't get the validation I wanted. I felt ashamed because I didn't have my ''told ya!'' moment. But these people? I don't have them in my life anymore. I haven't some of them in more than a decade. They don't care about me, they probably didn't care about me then, either. Those who remained my friends only want me to be happy, they don't care what I achieved as long as I am happy and secure. Are unachieved goals depressing? Yes. But I have new goals I am pursuing right now. But I would have saved myself so much pain if I wasn't doing it for some people and their pointless validation.
There’s some types of goals that work better when shared, especially if you have discipline. Starting a company requires collaboration and a team of skilled people. Letting others know that you’re assembling a team will help you find the right people.
Thank you for this! I observed this too about myself - when I share my goals, I get demotivated and when I keep my goals to myself, I am more likely to get to them. Part of it is because I don’t have particular supportive people in my life, but also feeling judged is a demotivator for me, not a motivator. If I sense someone will jidge me or not believe in my goals, then I have the tendency to believe them and then I will spiral into negative thinking and end up in a really negative place. When I focus on getting the action done without telling people, it is more likely that I will actually do that action.
I have noticed this directly in my life. The more I talk about wanting to do something, the more it never happens. It will actually be a struggle for me to keep these things a secret because I get so excited, but I know I will actually get more things done if I do so.
The reason I talk to people about wanting to do something is when I'm not sure it is the right thing to do and would like their opinion and advice, if I'm sure about doing the right thing I will just go ahead and do it without having to tell anybody.
As an introvert, I feel like the whole not telling anyone your goals to keep it internal makes sense. However, I feel like it's true because people you tell can rapidly take the motivation away from you without even realizing it. Something as little as the other person not being interested in your goal(s) can completely tank any motivation i have towards something for months on end. What i really feel this technique is doing is teaching you how to not look for validation from other people for things that you are trying to achieve because youll never get what you want out of life if youre living for other peoples approval.
I can really resonate with the 'people being disinterested' bit. It's true, and the reality is, 95% of people don't really care about other people's projects. They're the heros of their own stories too, just like us. So we have to care for our projects ourselves.
I relate to this too as a story writer, I have a friend who often asks for more information on my story but when I tell him anything he goes way too critical and that drains my motivation immensely.
Only problem is that there's almost nothing you can do by yourself. Depending on the "goal" you need teams of people with different skillsets to get it done in a reasonable amount of time, which is where we introverts are at a major disadvantage. If it's just a hobby, you can take all the time you want but if it's something you want to do to live... You'll run out of time quick. In the US it's all about who you know and not so much what you can do unless you're in the top 1% of people with your skill. The referral will always get the job/contract first.
Man, that's exactly how I feel. I was going to do something once, but after telling someone they really bumbed me out about it, and I've never ended up doing it. Thats why i always do it first and tell people later, or when they talk about it.
I feel ATTACKED for preferring being alone in my hobbies. There are some people that seem to try to FORCE socializing onto me like I'm a bad person because I feel healthier being alone most of the time.
I’m the same way. Family and friends want me to be more social and I think I should too. I try sometimes it’s difficult learning to be but I’m never going to become an extrovert because I simply enjoy being alone. I’ll become more social but if people don’t understand that I don’t want to be forced to do anything they might as well just stop talking to me lol
Not a bad person, but be mindful that feeling unhealthy around people is not necessarily introverted. It may also be that you are not great at dealing with people, which is a skill we fall behind on the more we avoid people. By all means, don't hang out with toxic people or go to all the parties. I just think it's important to distinguish preferences and fear.
I have this problem with some of my Co-workers, and I always feel bad about it. Sometimes I just dont want to talk but theyll make an effort to come over to me to talk about some random thing I have 0 interest in at the moment. 😪
I wish I could just survive alone with no friends (nor any need for them) Most of my family would rather live in the middle of nowhere with no one else around. As an extrovert who was raised by introverts, I feel cheated out of the social skills necessary to my survival as an extrovert 😞
as a introvert we have nothing to prove to others, other than to prove to ourselves that we can do it, because no one will ever be impressed because they don't understand the success we're fixing to have
As an introvert, this is a breath of fresh air to hear. As I grow older, the more I was starting to feel that to "succeed" I need to be extroverted and very proactive on social media, which goes completely against my nature. This gives me the permission to not worry about that anymore and start putting more effort into what's important.....the thing I actually enjoy.
I’m glad this video was on your path to help guide you. I think feeling aligned within ourselves is much more important than conforming to our society’s norms & pressures.
And just to make it clear,being antissocial is different from being an introvert.Antissocial are those who try to run away at any means from a conversation,and usually shut themselves from the world,while introverts prefer to be by themselves,but can cummunicate normally if needed
As an introvert I have always known that this is my power. I have this room in my house that I call the "situation room". I sit in silence every early in the morning for 30 mins. When I leave that room, I am force to reckon with.... energized in the silence.
What's tough about this is, it's so tempting to bounce your idea off of someone just so you can maybe convince yourself that it wasn't a stupid idea all along. That's the trouble I have as a story writer, anyway. But Dr K is absolutely right, my motivation does kind of sink after I explain my plans to somebody, UNLESS we're having a collaborative conversation that directly feeds into how my story should progress, which is where I typically get extra motivation
My motivation sinks in those situations because I'm usually not getting positive reinforcement, and if I am then I just assume the person doesn't know enough about my goals to give a valid critique. I tend to do best when I get lost in my head to the point of borderline delusion and can turn those aspirations into castles. By the time you come back to reality, you have something so much bigger than you could have otherwise. I think a kinder way to phrase it is that not talking about your aspirations lets you dream as big as you possibly can without ever having to take reality checks. Let your imagination run wild and don't let your adult brain give you 100 reasons why it's not possible. At the same time though, daydream / fantasy without action and reality checks is another recipe for disaster. It's a balancing act.
I think both things are true. Talking about some projects makes a ton of sense, if you're gonna talk about them to someone with a working brain. If they're not going to help you because it's not their field or they don't have idea how that stuff works, then just don't spit it out. I didn't yet notice that this is a fact, but effectively I think it happened to me a few times, so I tend to talk only about what I'm doing currently (often actually, but helps me thinking about the next step, and I don't think affects my motivation. Also because they won't tell me all the time that I'm great, at least not the ones who I keep updated. Maybe if they congratulate me too often I feel embarassed and I stop updating them ahah), and not what I'm going to do. Basically, if you know someone with the right mindset, talk about it, it will probably outweigh the cost. You should avoid being the talker guy in short. To me, talking to ONE particular friend of mine who has the entepreneur type of mindset, really helped me to believe in my own project, and so in that scenario, it really was worth it
I think as long as you don't talk about your goals and what you want to do and just keep the conversation technical to a specific thing you need feedback or advice from, then it shouldn't drain your energy as much. And, like Dr. K mentioned about reinternalizing, write down some notes or record the conversation so you can internalize the information later.
I am also a story writer and when it comes about my stories so far I only talk about them to my cousin and my partner but that's mainly because both of them are writers as well and usually when I tell them I get a bunch of Motivation because they also get me Feedback and ideas but when it comes to everyone else I just personally do not like to tell them about what I am currently writing/planning
I think this is why I love doing secret projects. I internalize the hype because I want to surprise people with something that I've been planning in the background for a while. Then once I complete the project and share it with my friends, it's just a rush of positive feedback that motivates me to begin the next thing. Getting started will always be the hardest part though.
Exact same though process here :D I got a lot of secret projects and even though they are done as a hobby (and not for others) it doubles as a nice surprise to whoever I would show when it’s finished
Interesting perspective. I'm an introvert creative and have actually tried to be more open about my intentions in recent years because I thought telling people "I'm going to make this and release it at this time" would make me more accountable (to them and myself) than if I had told nobody. That person might ask how it's coming along, or I will just have the gnawing feeling that I’m going to disappoint the people I told if I don’t act. I would say it’s actually helped propel my productivity as well; but like most things in life, I suppose there is a happy medium, and it probably differs a little bit for each individual.
Yup, I tried talking about my intentions to others, and it gave me motivation most of the time, but when they did not care as much as I'd liked them to care, it was such unmotivating that I'd rather keep it to myself unless they're asking for it.
I would consider my recent actions and behaviour to be introvert creative also, I've been trying to write this thing for my friend for literally months. At first I didn't tell him about it at all cuz I wanted it to be a surprise, but I kept procrastinating it. For the past few months I have mentioned it to him, and discussed it with the same hope, he would encourage me, and it would make me feel more accountable, but I've still not managed to make any more progress. So really, I feel lost on both ends with this one
I feel what's happening here is the reinternalisation that he mentioned at the end of the video right? as i was thinking about the same thing as an introvert who often needs pressure from other people to get stuff done. I feel like if i tell someone about something knowing that they're going to bring it up in the future will give me more motivation to continue on that something (but if a person wouldn't be interested or mention it again then telling them is generally a negative)
Hence why I try to write at least a few chapters for my Wattpad books, before releasing the drafts. Even then though, it's almost never easy, though that situation tends to improve as more chapters are completed and released.
I live in Colombia, and my mom has a tradition of "hey, don't tell anyone you're doing this, or it will never happen", which has worked in my favor. I find it very interesting that it is actually a thing that has been researched and not just "grandma's knowledge", if you get me.
I love this. I've always lived by the saying "Cook in Silence". Which essentially means that when I commit to something, I do not promote or speak about it until my goal has been accomplished. I never want to be seen as the person who says they will do something, and then doesn't do it. For example, I left college about 7 years ago with 2 years left to complete my undergrad. When I decided it was time to return to school, I didn't post on socials about going back and I didn't tell many people either. Now that I am graduating this summer, I'm excited to tell people I completed if it comes up in convo
Nice phrase "cook in silence" I also live by this principle. Just that I don't ever tell anybody about anything. Not even in smalltalk. Even when I achieved something big. I can't find logic in telling people something about anything though I understand and empathize the reason they do it.
Ambivert here. Or rather, an extrovert getting more and more introverted. I've always thought that talking about something was a first step to make it real. I was then feeling obliged to make the things happen, to be coherent with myself on the outside. But what you say is touching some inner chords, as sometimes I feel that I talk and about what I'm gonna do, but then I do not concretise it and then I feel shame because I was not consistent and I enter some phases of depression. I will try to follow your advice: to keep things silent and then to vent them out once I feel I have made them happen and they are real 😊
@@andrry_armor You can't. These are unchangable brain states. You can train yourself to tolerant being alone, but you can never switch to being an introvert.
My mom made a needlepoint picture of an owl. Underneath, it said: A wise old owl lived in an oak, The more he saw, the less he spoke, The less he spoke, the more he heard, The wise old owl was a wise old bird It hung over my bed for years.
@@dariolaseri2661 That happens every time when I make a plan and my parents tell me to talk about it. all the loopholes come out and I feel like the plan is useless.
As a lifelong CBT patient and introvert who struggles with depression and low motivation, this is completely accurate for me. … now I just need goals and to tell no one about them. 😂
Understand that, I’ve been battling with depression ever since I was a little boy; and to say the least I’ve never had close friends; and when I was younger I had no friends at all. I have a goal, I don’t like to tell people; but I do have one that I’ve been doing ever since I was a youthful 7 year old..it’s quite fun to be alone at times, just know your not alone. I hope you can live happily and fruitfully.
I think I've subconsciously been watching this concept play out in my life for years, but I never fully understood the cause. I'm always uncomfortable telling people about my aspirations and projects and even hobbies. I think subconsciously I knew that if I talk to people about it, I'll suddenly want to do it less, whether or not I get positive affirmation from it. I've never understood "accountability partners". The idea always felt a little backwards to me, and now I understand why.
100%. I've been guilted over it many times in various creative social circles for never sharing much about what I'm doing, but for some reason I've always known. My aspirations have turned into castles in my mind and as soon as I start sharing that, it feels like I lose touch with it and I have no idea why. One might say that verbalizing it forces you to come to reality with your aspirations, but I think that reality you interpret can only hold you back. It's better to shoot as high as you can and let that guide you to wherever it is you end up.
Accountability partners (should) work in the same way as journals. Like how you write down stuff to reflect and refer back to them later, it's the same when you share with a certain people who you hope will remind you of what you've set out to do.
I get this so much, I feel like every time I finally tell someone what I've been passionate about for the past several months, all of a sudden my drive to continue pursuing that thing is completely drained. I've thought a big reason that happens is because I've gotten to a point where im proud enough of my accomplishments to share it with people, and then because ive gotten that fulfillment its easier to put a lid on making progress in whatever it was I was doing. I wish I was just proud of everything I did and was willing to talk to the people close to me about aspirations more often, but the fear of failure and embarrassment stops me. I need to consider it a success before I tell people about it.
I guess "accountability partners" do actually help in holding yourself accountable, but don't help with motivation. So you know you must do the thing, but you don't really want to, which is not a nice situation to be in. It reminds me a bit of the video "Why it's actually valuable to be detached" and lowering the resistance instead of increasing the external motivations.
Accountability partners may work later in the project when I'm scared of looking for a publisher or going public or the parts that I don't want to do but need to be done. But when I'm in the early stages or haven't even started being "accountable" to someone is only going to make me feel an incredible amount of pressure to perform and have results. That'll lead me to quit in order to alleviate the pressure.
As an ex introvert and embracing extrovert, it is a breath of fresh air to have a past me so understood, that I can completely empathize with my closest introvert friends today. Thank you so much @healthygamergg
@nicopengin Same here. My introvert to extrovert transition was incredible and it took a break up to get there unfortunately.. but anyways I'm better now. And it's good to see some qualities the more introverted me had which would actually come in handy for me now.
@@powerjolt7215 So you just change part of your being? I call bs. Thats sounds more like you defined yourself as introvert to protect your ego, but you were never introverted in the first place. Its the difference between not wanting to go to a party, because you are introverted or claiming you don't want to go, because you werent invited. No offense, but thats my impression. Please change my mind.
This is the best 12 minutes I’ve spent on TH-cam all week. It reminds me of a good conversationalist who, instead of talking about themselves, asks the person they are talking to questions and that person is the one who is doing most of the talking. It’s like kicking a ball and the ball rolls for a bit then you kick it again. You can be great at conversations and not hardly talk at all.
I just had a great moment with my wife recently where I vented out the one time she basically doubted our relationship from years ago. It was SO intimacy-building and healing for me, and I told her going into it I was going to be releasing pressure and it was going to be tough and high-intensity. Extremely painful crying, a little wailing and being hugged/held was the only way to get through it. The whole deal with sharing the burden is 1000% real. Getting even old things that aren't 'relevant' anymore out of your brain alone instantly at least halves the load, and sometimes the load totally goes away when you can discuss things with the only other involved party. open communication is really key!
100%. This means more than just not lying, Raw honesty. Tell your partner everything they might possibly need to know, open your soul, even if it seems like it might not be that important to them. If you spend time thinking about it, share it with them. In context of this topic, sharing your goals with your partner may deplete your energy a little, but if your partner is on board, you just doubled the energy between you for the now mutual goal. If they don't agree but are truly 100% committed to you they will challenge you to hone the idea to the point they are on board (or you realize that it was maybe not thought out well enough and modify or move on to a better idea).
Mid-50s guy here, diagnosed ADHD in my 20s. I have long recognized that talking about what i intend to do makes it far more difficult to actually do it, and have learned over the years to not mention such things. Never understood why that would be and have wondered about it often. This makes perfect sense. Thank you!
Someone told me something very similar to this recently, but it was one introvert to another. What she said was to watch out for your imagination as well. I believe there is a study at NYU that kind of shows that even visualizing having accomplished your goal and getting that dopamine boost can eat away at your motivation on whatever it is you're imagining. Always gotta look out even in your own head.
Actually relatable. I've had times where I hype myself up and imagine myself in such an accomplishing way but obviously, I never really end up doing whatever it is. I used to just brush it off and think to myself that it's because my current situation is stopping me and I should wait for the future for things to allow me to do said accomplishment, but it makes sense that it's really just me stopping myself.
This makes so much sense to me. My internal world is so much more ‘real’ to me than the external world. So if I visualise what I want, part of me feels like I’ve already got it/experienced it and therefore I don’t pursue it in real life.
@@BanjoPixelSnacksaaame. Especially when it comes to conversations with other😅 I tend to have imaginary conversations about stuff i want to tell spesific other people, and then be content with not actually telling them. Never ends well...
this felt like a direct call-out. I can think of a list of at least 5 major goals that I have that I've made little to no progress on, but have yammered away about to those close to me (I am still an introvert, but I'm pretty boring, so I don't really have many things to talk about aside from my goals). I've already done a lot of damage to my motivation over the years by being a talker, but it's time to be a doer.
It's ironic how people who genuinely call themselves boring always seem to be some of the more interesting folks. Good luck with realizing your goals, mate!
@@AHeroWith1000Namesit's the hallmark of an introvert. All of us say that but we don't really believe it. It's just we're too nerdy to say what we're interested in out loud.
I went back to college and finished my degree and told very few people. Later, I saved up every penny I had and paid off my mortgage, telling few people. I accomplished both of these goals, and it was much easier just keeping it to myself for the most part. Every once in a while I would put my phone down, sit on the couch and just think about the goal and create timelines. This guy is right for sure.
I'd like to add a caveat. As a highly associative abstract thinker, expressing my intentions to others hugely increases my chances of succeeding because it forces me to articulate the thing I want and be more precise than I would be in the space of my own brain. I will continue to flesh out my intentions while talking about them with others. Those people will probably ask questions and offer suggestions, which is great fuel for taking the next step. Also, those people will ask me later: are you still on that project? How is it going? And that helps me to be decisive and either follow through or actively shelve the idea if I cannot make it work at that time. If I would "store the energy inside" nothing much would come from any of my wild ideas
from what i can piece, your not doing the same kind of communication, its more like your collaborating than you are sharing. If you were to be doing stuff like posting how to, progress reports, or other similar idea's, you would probably be in a different position about this. however your building up your idea to a more polished state, than going off alone to put the idea into action.
Yeah, I was waiting for video to discuss accountability and how sharing goals can lead to an extra motivation given the right mindset. If I share future plans with someone, it adds to my motivation because of a feeling of integrity.
@@jrgenlundegard8816 for me sometimes that kind of pressure (to keep my words and then be ashamed when and if I don't) are so debilitating that I end up not doing anything at all. Not always, but it happens.
Years ago I took part in a training program where one of the exercises we were given was to break up into small groups to find ways to motivate each other. My running came up. I was running for exercise, or to see if I could gradually increase my fitness and my speed over time as I became more fit. The participant who was playing the role of "trainer" couldn't understand why I was running. He saw the "correct" reason to run as "to beat other people" and was unable to grasp that anyone would run otherwise. That was when I decided that there are people who are "competitive" and "non-competitive". A competitive person may feel the need to compete against other people in everything they do, while a non-competitive person may be turned off entirely by an activity that is set up for that end.
@@robertowens2022 While it is true that I am competing with myself, the person with whom I was speaking could not understand why "beating other competitors" was not only not a motivation, but a turnoff to me. As a middle-aged woman, it made no sense for me to break my body trying to train like a teenager. But I could still improve as long as I trained intelligently and cautiously.
I’m so glad there’s a scientific explanation for this! I have not watched the video fully yet and have just briefly skimmed through the little segments, so I want to share my experience with this before my brain attempts to modify my memories to match the video. I’ve been an introvert for my whole life until my Sophomore year of High School, where I learned to talk and make conversations. It’s amazing how easy it becomes once you learn to smile and be meaningfully invested in the other person! Anyways, and I’ve told this to my friends, how I felt that I lost a part of myself during my shift to becoming extroverted. I described it as “I felt more stupid and one-dimensional now,” but I also found that I preferred to talk about my problems and feelings rather than fix them. It’s less that being extroverted had a negative impact but being a introverted just had a more positive impact. The reason I say this is because when I was more introverted, I had so much alone time that I basically talked to myself, thought about life to myself, and some other things. I was also more motivated and when I did talk to my close friends, I felt wittier and smarter with my replies. I’m currently in a mode of “trying to find myself” and return to being introverted, or at least the introverted lifestyle, because I really enjoyed how intelligent I was back then compared to my current dull-feeling self. I hope it’s possible and being socially awkward isn’t a prerequisite to becoming introverted again haha. There’s some other stuff but I can’t really remember but I will answer questions. Note that I have not lived as long as many of y’all, so just know my experiences are those of a 17 year old. Also I’m writing this before school so excuse the crude and vagueness of my comments haha. Also my 15 personalities is INFJ, in case anyone is curious. (Time to watch the video!!)
introversion and extroversion aren't usually "changeable," but are instead where you get energy from. Introverts tend to recharge from alone time, and extroverts tend to recharge from spending time with people. What you're talking about seems to just be you coming out of your shell and being able to talk to people more, which is a common thing to happen, especially since your sophomore year would be the first full year in high school w/o dealing with COVID.
Most people are just ambiverts and don't lean strongly one way to another so it's easily possible a few outside variables like anxiety about being awkward is enough to make it seem you lean a certain way. The real method to attain introspection (the thinking to yourself) is simply to give yourself space in the day to day. Space without external information. You need space to process and digest all the recent experience first, then only once this is done will introspection naturally wake up and begin looking around as usual. The correlation between extroverts and no introspection has more to do with busy schedules than personality type.
As an introvert that's been curious of my motives, this is extremely true. I tried to be more extroverted in social situations, expressing dreams, passions, goals, etc. but the more I talked, the less I acted. But when I kept things to myself (which was natural) I was able to perform. It felt paradoxical. Letting go of the goal somehow helped me reach the goals. I always thought venting (whether positive or negative) helped but it seemed to harm me more sometimes. Moral: Pay attention to what words you choose and learn to shutup.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:10 🤔 We often think introverts are at a disadvantage, but they have a natural advantage at cultivating motivation. 01:11 🕯️ Keeping a mantra secret allows its power to grow, while sharing it diminishes its power. 02:21 🗣️ When you vocalize trauma, its power over you diminishes. A mantra works opposite - keeping it inside builds up positive energy. 03:30 💬 People who talk a lot about their goals on social media tend to be less successful in achieving them. 04:53 🎓 Talking about your goals gives you rewards without doing the work, diminishing motivation. 06:46 🧠 Language can substitute for action, they draw from the same energy pool. Too much talk depletes energy for action. 08:07 🤐 If you want to achieve a goal, keep it to yourself. There is an inverse correlation between talking and doing. 09:45 📝 If you journal or vent, re-internalize it after. Scope conversations to minimize motivation leakage. 11:24 🪔 Channel positive motivation into action, not words. Introverts naturally do this by talking less. Made with HARPA AI
The Power of Silence in A World That Can StopTalking is a very good read on introverts. The advantage introverts have in the real world is enormous. Being shy is different and needs to be worked on. Being an introvert just means you like to be alone more than with a crowd, which let's you walk your own path. He's only touching on one aspect of one advantage.
Meanwhile being extrovert gives you way more positives however, best is to be introverted extrovert who can flip between those at will. Introverts and extroverts are just extremes - an error in human DNA coding and should be actually avoided. Ambivert is the norm.
As an extrovert leaning ambivert, I always was a bit annoyed when I heard people say that we more extroverted people got it so good. Think about it this way: Needing this more company to stay positive is more of a dependancy. It's harder to make plans with someone than it is to stay by yourself. Additionally, extroverts automatically being better at socializing is a myth. We can be shy and worry all the same as introverts do.
I am with this mentality for like, 3 months, and I can honestly see the difference. I was always the "speaker", because I was trying to motivate close friends, and I was actually failing on doing myself. Now, I have a new project, just my parents know, and is going much better than the last ones. Now, this video appears, just to confirm < 3
It is insane that I’ve been noticing this case a lot lately. Sharing what you’ll do diminishes the motivation of actually doing it. As an outgoing Introvert (Ambivert) I have experienced this countless of times in mostly art domains since sharing with others your creative ideas is key. But on multiple occasions I would start a project, work on it for a while, and then deem it worthy of judging. I get positive feedback, incredible support, heck even excitement for the final product. What happens right after? Bam, my motivation straight up vanishes. It took me a while to connect the dots but oh it is so real and now I’m keeping as much to myself as possible. It sucks, yeah, but I have gotten all the proof I need and as much as I love sharing my work in progress with my friends, I prefer saving that energy to actually complete whatever I’m trying to do in the first place. As soon as you talked about venting out negative thoughts I understood that it goes the same for positive thoughts.
This is so accurate. I've noticed my motivation to do a thing drop significantly the moment I talk about it. I had a dream for my life, talked about it too much, and let that dream die.
I only agree with this concept halfway. As a child up into high school, I had the dream of going to Harvard for college, and I told literally everyone who I could. Back then, I received no positive reinforcement as Dr. K says in the video. The responses I received ranged from bafflement to disbelief in my abilities. My motivation remained high and I eventually got accepted, just as I had always dreamed. Motivation isn’t simply dictated by what you say. If you have a dream that you believe in with all your heart and soul, you will find endless motivation in it.
Yeah, I agree with you. I have accomplished a lot by telling people my plans in detail because it keeps me accountable as I was worried about looking like a chump if I didn't follow through. I think Dr. K is probably only talking about a narrow group of people who were never motivated and just talk shit with no intention of following through.
Dr. K did say that positive reinforcement is required to cause your energy to leak out (4:44 reward). Since you didn't get the positive reinforcement, talking to everyone about your goal didn't rob you of your motivation.
You were lucky those people didn't validate you, that usually doesn't happen. They actually helped you by doubting you, motivating you even more to prove them wrong.
@@maskedbadass6802 > I think Dr. K is probably only talking about a narrow group of people who were never motivated and just talk shit with no intention of following through. That's me. Reason why I don't do anything but talk. I seriously need to stop... talking, online.
At work place, I always like to talk to people about ideas so I could get them to help or support in some way. It has been somewhat beneficial but also super mentally tiring. I love what Dr. K is saying. Just shut up and keep and grown the energy within.
Not an extrovert but I am someone who grew up relying on external validation as a motivator for my own success (welcome to growing up Autistic 👍) Thanks for the helpful reminder that I don't need somebody else's opinion to approve the path I'm headed down, nor do I need to waste my precious energy on that 😊 it's a constant process of unlearning and trying to cultivate that motivation from within, especially without getting bogged down by my own negativity and skepticism within (that's what the venting is for!)
I understood this principle almost by chance, I initially stopped talking about my stuff simply because I couldn't bear the dissapointment of others when I didn't follow through (or in some cases, what I perceived or assumed. Like, it doesn't matter how real the judgement was, it was real in my emotional mind). I came to the conclusion that if I could hold back from disclosing my plans in advance and only share when there is something to share, everyone can only be pleasantly surprised. And when I do manage to shut the f*** up, I noticed I do follow through a bit more often than before. So I kinda stumbled on that and I'm glad to hear an expert/scientific take on the underlying principle, to better understand and apply it.
I figured it out in an opposite, yet similar way. For me it started with friends and family who liked to "challenge" goals and ideas by saying "no you're not gonna do that", "you won't be able to", etc. and it very much did NOT give me the "underdog" mindset they seemed to think it would. I just stopped talking about anything and everything I wanted to do until it was done, and even then sometimes I don't bother because I learned it was just an invitation for open hands. When I got into the working world, I quickly started realizing that the people who consistently talked about their plans were either 1. trying to look busy or 2. looking for validation. The result was often the same... Very little got done, but everyone knew what the person WANTED to do. Unfortunate, because in some industries that's all they need to hand you a one-way ticket up the ladder. Positive Reinforcement at its worst.
I am an introvert. I tell what I will do, then I am doing it. Being trustworthy is core value for me. So when I am telling somebody "I will do this and that by then" it is what motivates me. Without telling others the chances that I will manage to overcome by executive disfunction is much lower.
Yes, I love your statement "Shut the hell up!". I am an introvert and usually I feel like disadvantaged, a loser. I dont like to talk about my goals like many ppl around. Now I know how to keep and then compound that pool of positive energy. Thank you sir!❤
I think you are overlooking one thing. While I think you are right about the correlation of not doing something and talking about it I think the same correlation exists in thinking a lot about something and not doing it. I am an introvert and I can think for hours day after day about something I might want to do but I will never follow through with that thing if I actually start thinking that much about it, its like thinking about it is enough for me just like talking about it might be enough for an extrovert.
This has basically been the story of my life. I'd always rather think about doing something than actually do it. This made procrastination pretty much an insurmountable problem and basically resulted in me never doing anything. Ever. It took me too long to realize this by myself and try to overcome it. If only I'd known about it earlier 😔
Interesting.. I'm an introvert myself and have experienced what you described. I wonder if it's because thinking (i.e. putting our emotions into words in our head) is also a way of depleting motivation by language. It may be the feeling (prior to verbalising even in our heads) that we need to preserve, rather than just not literally saying our thoughts externally.
i'm literally experiencing what you've said for the last two years and i think it's because of me focusing on bad (ideas-emotions) and the evil that exists in our world so i would say save yourself first then others when you have the means to do so .
This is interesting because this explains a lot of things I've noticed about myself. For the longest time I've always talked about becoming an electrical engineer, but now I'm at the point where I've mostly given up on that because in reality I just want to be an electrical technician. It also reminds me of how every time I really want to make plans with my friends, I actually don't like talking about those plans unless I know we can plan for certain. So if I want to do something with them, I won't bring it up if I know we can't, because usually the things we talk about doing, we never end up doing.
Theres a technique I've used in therapy called the "Empty Chair". Its a way to process unfinished business or unresolved trauma with an individual. You envision them sitting in an empty chair next to you, sometimes the therapist may actually assume the role of the individual, sometimes not. BUt you basically get stuff off your chest by conversing with this person in the safe space of therapy. Basically by having this conversation, even though the real person isn't there, the act of engaging in the conversation from your end can be incredibly healing for the person who was hurt. This is a technique that I used heavily to get over trauma. It is a great way to deal with people that you may not be safe interacting with again (an abuser for example), it could be someone who has passed on and you are unable to talk to anymore, and other circumstances where having a conversation with the real individual doesn't make sense. In fact sometimes it can be more healing to have an empty chair conversation than a real one because it allows you to start over and control the conversation in a way that is healing. Anyway, this technique reminds me of this video. The act of getting the conversation out is all that is really needed. There are diminishing benefits to having that conversation "for real" and sometimes there are actually advantages to avoiding it (like being able to control or restart the conversation for example).
I feel like talking about my dreams to other people actually motivates me to pursue those dreams. It's kind of like applying peer pressure to myself in order to motivate me to achieve those dreams since I don't want to dissapoint them.
Glad that works for you, psychology after all doesn’t describe everyone and it’s usually not absolute. On the other hand I have found it funny that all the people who ran their mouth have failed at it. Had a dude in our first year of undergrad after HS take like one college class and took a picture in a suit and post it on fb and told everyone “can’t believe I’m going to be a lawyer and I came from nothing” he was a good guy and loved talking about dreams but talked too much. He did it over and over and he failed and now I see no signs of him ever talking about it 😂. Also had a girl who always talked shit about me behind my back. After I got into my doctorate program, she got a low level entry job in my field and told everyone she was going to get into that program too. Failed and now she’s a wannabe makeup artist with 100 followers on ig and tells herself she’s an influencer. Another one was my friend talking shit about how he was gonna make more money than me and will peak higher because his field has a higher pay ceiling. Guess he found out they don’t pay you a lot of money for nothing, and I’ve been slowly climbing to 250k a year while he’s still at just got a raise from 90k to 100k. I already knew about the psych study where people who talk about things more likely don’t take action, and it’s funny to see it play out in real life over and over. I think it’s different when you tell people you’re gonna do something simple like if you’re unemployed and will get a job, but big dreams and goals I just keep quiet.
I used to be incredibly anxiously predictive, and have intrusive thoughts with depression but after I talked to someone about it, It felt like a HUGE dumbbell being lifted up from my chest, then as time goes by I suddenly realized I'm more confident in myself and am now helping another person vent his/her problems
I'm not a gamer by any definition, but i love how accessible you make your knowledge. You're doing great work here, and I hope you appreciate it as much as the people you help do.
Well his name is more about get the knowledge to ppl that need it. PPl how hide/block there problems with Gaming. This channel isn’t about only gamers zone or some different shit. Just the focus to give those ppl the knowledge and help they need.
As an introvert, I can tell that there is one advantage when you talk about your plans with other people. If other people know what is your vision there is a higher chance that other people get to know you out of a sudden which is possibly very useful for your plan. Because some of those have some abilities you might not have but are necessary for realizing your plans. So you will get more opportunities on your way of success.
It is a fine line who you tell or not. Don't tell friends and fam who will hype you up but can do nothing for you. Maybe share with a select few in business who could actually help you, but be careful they wont steal your idea or tell a rival etc. But still it is better more doing less talking, until it is done, or those business associates will doubt you too and think you are all talk no action, so wont take you serious anymore, and that adds pressure to do just for them, which leads back to square one, dont tell anyone. Until it is nearly done and they can see it actually is, to help you then
To sum up the comments here. It's absolutely true, that we never say everything to anyone. That is not what I wanted to stress out here. As everything in life, it is about the right balance. No only holding back everything and also no speaking out loud everything what's running in your mind. You could also consider the way you talk about your plans. Maybe only about the possible outcomes of your plans, which could make others curious.
I forced myself to socialize in college. I joined a youth mentoring and activity organizing co-ed group (intercollegiate). I made enemies and didn’t get a sterling reputation because I had low EQ and a sharp tongue lol. But I also got a boy friend and had opportunity to observe social norms and primitive mating ritual. Hindsight it was a very good thing for my personal growth. I am retired now and still have butterflies in social situation (I tend to say the unacceptable things). But I don’t fear being social. I sing at two choirs and go to swing dance parties. I try to smile more and keep my opinions to myself mostly 😆
I think this is why I don't really like being complimented whenever I am doing something that society finds particularly valuable, because I know that whenever I pay attention to that, they take something within me away
people called me stupid for not telling them what i want to do/what im doing, I always felt it was wrong doing it because the more i talked about it the further away i actually go from it. When you did the interview with Trainwrecks i was happy to realize that my feelings told me the right things, and this video explains it even deeper, thanks Dr. K
He is so right, talking about it doesn't help. I actually "Vent" my fears and negativity by talking. And don't vent stuff untill people figure it out for themselves. Helped me a lot
For me, it almost feels like the opposite. Maybe it's because I'm an extrovert instead of an introvert but when I tell someone I'm going to do something I feel almost obliged to do it and it increases the probability that I will. Maybe it's me thinking of them asking about it the next time we talk or a basis of my own self worth on the opinion of others; but if I don't get something done that I tell someone I'm going to, then it motivates me to do it because, if I don't, that person will see that as me being lazy or just see me in a more negative way than if I do what I say I'm going to do.
I can definitely relate, telling people to keep oneself accountable is a great tool. I think it may be wise to share with others a specific step in your big plan so they can keep you accountable, but not the whole plan because (for me at least) it may become overwhelming for them to expect so much of you. Great point my friend!
Yea the video is completely wrong. Every source I've ever heard on the matter suggests that you SHOULD be telling people your goals, because that helps keep you accountable. Which makes sense if you think about it for 5 seconds.
This unit really helps if you already have a sense of responsibility and accountability. There are tons of people who like to talk but don't actually care about follow-through. A common phrase regarding this is that someone "peaked in high school." While this may mean that they shifted what they want from life, it often leads to(especially men) people who try to live vicariously through their children thereby passing the buck for their own failures.
@@zanido9073 I don't think the sources are wrong, besides, what you said depends entirely from person to person. If you like saying your goals out loud, go ahead and do it, but if you don't, that doesn't mean you're less accountable for it.
Hey Dr. K, usually I lurk while using social media or platforms like TH-cam. I consider myself a introvert and I can 100% relate to the things you told us in your Video. Thank you very much, I hope this reaches out to a lot of people!
This is something I’ve noticed and have been doing for a while now. I keep my hobbies and future a secret from absolutely everyone even family and I go out of my way to hide evidence of those hobbies and goals. It’s lowkey tedious but I still think it’s the right decision in the long run
This video was very helpful! I quit social media a few months ago. I was struggling with trying to voice why I left. I felt like I was using it as more of a journal or a therapist. I would talk about all sorts of things I wanted to do, but I could never seem to just do them. Since I left, I have been more active. I’ve been going to concerts, going to the beach. I used to complain about wanting to lose weight. Since I left I actually went to a doctor and got on a weight loss plan with my PCP and I’m down almost 40 pounds! I had no idea this was actually a thing. It’s going to be hard not talking about stuff, but I told myself that if I ever got back on social media, I would only talk about the things I did.
This just shattered a glass wall. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. I get forced to worry about my future and what I'm gonna do everytime I interact with my family. I don't want to cause I don't know. But if I don't talk about it or I'm not forced to I get more productive and get more stuff done whereas otherwise I'm getting exhausted and almost apathetic if it gets too bad
I love this! I’m an introvert and I’ve always felt this way deep down, but never actually put it together. I just knew that I lost momentum whenever I talked about my goals/dreams. Thank you for sharing it and helping make that connection clear!
6:50 your talk about "language as a substitute for action" is actually very true in a different field; storytelling. The reason why every human engages in and enjoys stories is because stories are a hard-wired evolutionary social technology that helped us survive as a species. When you hear a really good story (through language or another related form of communication), it stimulates your brain and allows you to learn lessons vicariously, through other people. The information contained within stories are a substitute for a lesson you otherwise would have had to learn the hard way.
I have been doing this for years without even realizing it. Every time I share my goals with friends and family, they seem to fall through within 1-2 weeks. It feels like I'm no longer pursuing these goals for myself, but rather to prove to others that I can achieve them.
I would love a guide how to not run out of social batterie as an introvert. Im doing alot of stuff with friends and family at the moment, and doing the stuff is cool and all, but at the same time im getting absolutely crushed by it because im just so burned out from being around people. I want to be social all the time, but its so draining. My social batterie is so dry atm im literally getting depression from it
From one introvert to another, there’s no way to not run out of social batteries. Imo, the best way to recharge is to make time and space for oneself to be alone.
Don't beat yourself up about it. If I had to guess, I'd say maybe being an introvert isn't the problem. If you're dealing with depression, and if you're being so hard on yourself, chances are it's the negative emotions draining your energy and not the people themselves. Depression in itself can lead people to have trouble socializing effectively, and can make it difficult to recover from a social event because you spend all your downtime ruminating instead of recharging effectively. When I dealt with depression as a teenager, I didn't even realize that I was withdrawing from my friends until I started to feel better again, and people started pointing out that they were happy to have me back. I know I'm making a lot of extrapolations, and maybe you don't relate to this at all, but I wanted to share just in case you find it helpful. 🙂 Whatever the case, I believe you can find balance and I'm rooting for you.
I find that I have to have time alone, normally if I have a lot of social commitments I'll just plan to leave early so I have some alone time before bed. Having a whole day planned out is so exhausting for me I try to plan a day alone after that.
I've started to tell people that i have a limited social battery and once it runs out, it is in everyones best interest that i get to recharge. Some people get tired or hungry and no one demonizes them. Its about being honest to yourself and your social circle. Some friends drain less, some drain more but it isn't personal most of the time.
This explains a lot. Ironically negative feedback is more motivating for me because then I at least have this urge to "prove them wrong" and that kinda makes me stick more by what I want to do but when I receive praise how awesome what I'm doing is I usually tend to give up on it. Now I know why
This reminds me of what a pastor told me once about how "the best prayer is the one you do in silence between you and God". It's amazing how different cultures realized the motivation pool exists by different methods. Great video! :D
I can’t stress how on point this is. I used to be a stellar student studying for my future and in turn I became the focus of my family. They kept asking what my end goal was when I was focused on the present. It would be the same conversation: “What are you planning to do in the future?” “(Environmental) Scientist” The more I manifested what I thought I was sure to be my main goal, the more anxious I became and the more exhausting it was to study for it. Part of this ties into the gifted kid syndrome but this topic has relevance too. What’S worse is that it killed my secondary goals or passions like origami, story writing, and sketching. Anything one could classify as ‘right brained’ activity ie. creativity, got snuffed out.
I totally hear you pal, I felt the same way when I was head student in my class, I felt so pressured that I ended up failing a test. It feels much better just to do your stuff and focus in improving instead of being ask or talk about your goals and motivations
Another reason I think this works is the "spotlight effect": Talking about things you gonna do puts more pressure on you to perform well. And for introverts that can backfire, leading to less ideal outcomes. As Dr. K said, the biggest challenge is keeping it secret. Sometimes communicating with others is necessary, especially when there are strict deadlines and you work in a team. There were also instances where I lied about my successes just to keep the pressure low. It's a double-edged sword really...
Wow that is GOLD. I had no idea about this concept and I've been sapping my own motivation with unearned, too early rewards by talking, even bragging about my goals before accomplishing them and I never realized how much it hurt my drive!! Thank you so much that is HUGE.
I noticed a really long time ago that I am the type to make less progress towards a goal if I tell others about that goal. If I keep a goal to myself I make much more progress and am more likely to reach said goal. And the point Dr. K said about journaling is really accurate. I started journaling recently and it has helped me significantly with, not only, expelling my negative feelings but also with internalizing my positive feelings. Earlier today, for example, I was writing in my journal about some changes that are happening in my life. Once I finished writing and expelling my anxieties I had this burst of clarity and inspiration in regards to a goal recently started working towards. And now I have a step by step plan on how to achieve that goal in my journal to reference whenever needed.
This is so liberating. Somehow knew this deep down as an introvert. Whenever I talk to people I feel like I lose huge amount of mental energy and become less motivated. Counterproductively I started to isolate myself and my social skills deteriorated tho I’ve cut all the bs talking (because 90% of talking is bs) and I’m happy
Talking about what you plan to do is absolutely necessary working in a team. In my IT field, the more detail the better; it's so easy to miscommunicate, mis-interpret, misunderstand, go out of sync with co-workers and lead to messed up results.
This might be true for a lot of people. But I have never succeeded in anything if I hadn't talked about it before. I need the external "pressure" to get motivated. Trying to lose weight? Never going to succeed unless I know a couple of people will know about it. Writing a book? That goes fastest right after I talked about it with people. That get me enthusiastic and motivated. Talking about something doesn't have to diminish your energy, it can actually increase it.
Probably because it's not as simple as he says, there are more personalities than just introvert and extravert. A division into 16 in some systems, and 8 in some. I'm hyper introverted but if I have to converse with someone the most likely thing I'll do is babble about the ideas that I'm not going to act on.
As an introvert i have found the power i have over extroverts is in that i honestly do not care what they think of me. bI don't do ANYTHING to try and city someone else's favour or get them to like me. I just do my own thing for myself and let the chips fall where they may If someone doesn't like me because of the things I own, the car i drive, three clothes i wear etc it truly does not matter. In fact it becomes a positive thing because this automatically filters these people out of my life.
Here it feels like a community, in which everyone is supporting each other.....i am really glad that this video showed up on my feed and was so relatable to my current state.....🙌
One thing I've noticed as an extreme introvert and having kept many of my projects essentially secret is that it can get in the way of social relationships and become a problem. So you need to have something ready to say and/or some strategic response to offset the negativity associated with not fulfilling the overly inquisitive needs of others and their judgemental nature when you deon't give them very much access at all. There are consequences, and it took me a long time to get the balance right, developing my skills and strategically position myself. On another note, it you tell people about your ambitions or even just hint at it, the response may not be positive at all; people love to shoot others down and take your energy, which can certainly have negative effects that compound the problem and make it apparent the discretion is required. We have to realise how divorced the general public is from clinical best practice regarding the creation of judgement free zones in which to allow communication to occur; many people love judgment and live off it, so give them something to judge at your peril. Learn to identify the signs and raise red flags quickly 😉
I've noticed this about myself, I'd rather be out DOING things than sitting around with people talking about doing things. It really makes it hard to be in the moment. I'm always thinking I should be somewhere else, what am I doing AFTER this is over, what SHOULD I be doing right now instead of what I am doing?
Fascinating. This is a really interesting insight, and after initially going "yeah, I am definitely guilty of thinking about doing instead of doing" I also realized that when I finally escaped an abusive situation, I didn't really talk to anyone about it in depth, I just went "nope, that was over the line, I'm out"; the previous things that should have been sufficient catalysts were essentially defused by talking and venting. With trauma, that's fantastic, you weaken the pain. But pain is also a motivator, and sometimes you need that anger to propel you to do something good. I like the "make sure you actually read your journal if it's about good stuff" bit too; ADHD makes this tricky, but I'm already externalizing so many mental functions (including writing notes to externalize now and reinternalize later) and now realize I should place higher priority on that. It's like someone flipped a switch and I get how this is supposed to work now.
I am an introvert, and when I see in the past, I see my self in a way better state when it comes to social life, and how I behave around people, the weird behave has gone, I am still not that good talker, but I am there, I see my progress, and iam happy with it, cause I was once way in the bottom, with the thoughts of I will never get out of this.
I can understand both perspectives on this topic. As someone who has both introverted and extroverted tendencies, I believe there's value in both internalizing and sharing our energy towards a goal. Each approach leads to different outcomes. Internalizing, as mentioned in the video, prevents language from replacing action and helps us maintain momentum and progress. On the other hand, selectively sharing goals with specific individuals can foster accountability and keep us on track. It's all about finding the right balance for each situation.
Exactly. This idea of ignoring the world and soloing isn't appropriate for all jobs in the world. Many jobs will require interaction with others. In these it's about a balance
As an extrovert, a lot of my motivation comes from the people i love around me as well as other external sources. If i ever became alone, I could never do anything for myself. I was severely depressed during covid because i felt like my life had no meaning. Thank you Dr. K for the solid advice on internally cultivating motivation. It's really hard for me, but i hope it gets better.
I think that cultivating internal motivation can be good, but as we are extroverts, I'm not 100% sure that we get motivated by keeping things internally and not sharing with anyone. I struggle to accomplish tasks on my one when I'm alone and the only times where I successfully accomplished my goals was when I talked about it with colleagues and friends. So.. We don't work the same way introverts do in my opinion.
As an introvert, I'm genuinely not sure if that's an extrovert thing. If people know about your plans or are expecting things or are exercising alongside you at a gym, the pressure to perform well is just higher. Doesn't really matter if you're an extrovert or not. The problem with being an introvert is that if I do that, my social battery runs out and then I have to rest alone at home for like hours or even days sometimes just to feel normal again.
I work in quality assessment and I've noticed when I come across a case that just boggles my mind with how poorly it was handled I can calm myself down very quickly by giving a passionate lecture to my monitor about everything wrong with that case. I rarely even get through the whole explanation before I've burnt through all those emotions and gotten back to work. Never understood why this worked, but I think this video explains it very well.
While this correlation may or may not be true, it certainly feels true. It might even be that sharing our goals might not diminish our motivation to accomplish them, but simply bundles them up in externalities - others' reactions, the sudden pressure to accomplish it for fear of losing face because others will know your failure if you don't, etc. What's more important is that this correlation seems to be real and it is not something that can really be avoided - bosses want to hear ideas, family want to hear life plans, grants and explanations for future research ideas/projects have to be handed in to receive funding. What Dr. K said about learning to speak with intention is important, but we don't always have the luxury of choosing when and what to speak about - how do we deal with the fact that the world demands that we constantly offer up our ideas and plans in a never-ending competition for resources?
Yesterday, I watched an interview with Jerry Seinfeld and he talked about transcendental meditation which is basically chanting a mantra in your head for 20 minutes. What a coincidence that Dr. K talks about mantras in this video! This is what I learned: 1. Whatever you talk about loses its power. According to Freud language substitutes action. - when you talk about trauma or negativity to a therapist or someone you trust, it helps release those emotions from your mind and prevents them from controlling your life. I experienced this firsthand when I was deeply worried about my father's health but kept it to myself. The stress and helplessness caused me to cry almost every day. However, when a friend confronted me and I shared my concerns, the crying stopped, and I felt much better. While this example may not be a trauma per se, talking to someone about your worries can be incredibly helpful. - discussing future goals or dreams with others can inadvertently drain the motivation needed to work towards them. 2. Internalizing vs. externalizing the positive: - chanting a positive mantra in your head allows you to internalize its energy and benefit from it. It's important to keep the mantra to yourself to preserve its power. Another technique is to maintain a gratitude journal, which you can occasionally reread. Personally, I have a journal where I write about my daily wins, and it has worked wonders. Although I sometimes struggle to reread it, when I do, I witness the positive impact it has on my mindset. - when you have a goal - shut the hell up. Avoid sharing it on social media or boasting about it to your friends. By doing so, you preserve the energy and motivation required to achieve that goal. If you need to involve others in your progress, be intentional and precise about what you want to achieve and how they can assist you. I recall a time when I worked for a particular company where we had extensive daily meetings that would last for hours. We spent a significant portion of the day fantasizing and discussing what we were going to do, which left little time for actual work. Needless to say, our productivity suffered as a result.
i think so too. Dr K makes eastern philosophy/ religion look applicable and cool. I think we (people from the east) should do more of that, to promote our wisdom
I think the pandemic revealed the other unfair advantage that introverts like me have: we can function just fine even where there aren't people around to hang out with. It's much harder for bad circumstances in life to damage you when many of the things you use to stabilize yourself and recharge your mental energy can be done without relying on other humans. It's not like I never get lonely, but I bet I can go a hell of a lot longer without social activity and still be fine than an extrovert could.
As someone who spent 3 years as a NEET before covid hit, I can tell you that the important parts aren't keeping things stuck inside you but keeping the positives in your thoughts because if you try to keep everything inside, you may start developing a habit of forgetting days/weeks/months at a time when every day starts blending together. That's what makes having a schedule so important. What day do you do X and what day do you do Y so you can better stay in the moment.
Man do i resonate with this a lot. I don’t really post on Social Media as Much and I talk about what i want to do and then i never do it. Of course I’ve had those talks of “so what’s next” I have to explain what i “want” to do but not actually doing it. I keep myself busy with work but yet I don’t know where to start when it comes to a career yes i have interests but I gotta go through many things in order to figure but out. If you’re an introvert like I and many others it’s best to keep to yourself your ambitions as long as you are keeping busy. Our “Power” of talking diminishes our element of surprise and mindfulness.
![[UNCUT] The Loyal Pin ปิ่นภักดิ์ EP.6 (1/4)](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/m05kZ2GDKXg/mqdefault.jpg)
An introvert who masters themselves and becomes comfortable socially is a force to be reckoned with.
Lol, yeah that second part is a doozy.
Hi, that's me. Took years and a pandemic but I got there
Don't tell that thought, we will fumble the bag exceptionally.
@@p_for_poo ummmm no. That's not how introvert and extrovert works
believe i am in that current path. just spend most social events in my head… danced at a party for the 1st time just thee other day which i see as a stepping stone to being on that path. didnt imagine i would ever see myself willingly putting myself in such a social situation… when i wouldnt even want to do such alone in my room
As an introvert, I usually don't tell people about my goals because if I fail and they ask about it, they'll be disappointed. Instead if I told them a year later for example "yeah so I learned a language" the thing would already be done and I would skip that unbearable valley of 'I have to do the thing I told everyone I would do, now I'll fail and be so embarrassed'. This works for me. I do tell my husband usually because he's not easily impressed and knows what's up lol
Exactly. What’s the phrase? “Don’t talk about it, be about it”
Same!!! I was like "so I bought a house" and my friends were like wait what? 😂😂 I didn't mention the whole process of shopping around, closing, etc. I just told them after the fact
100% agree with you
Yes. But if I have a task for my job without some preset deadline and I procrastinate I usually tell everyone about it to guilt trip myself into doing that task I promised to everyone.
My goals fear that I'll be disappointed in them.
I love the idea of a real doctor telling people on social media to "shut the hell up" thats exactly my vibe
😂
Really. There are some people who don't know how to shut up, when to stop talking, or how to stop over-sharing.
what if the "real doctor" is an ideologue?
So good video🔥
@@artic1133 what's that supposed to mean? are you saying "real" doctors are a robot created in a factory who have no personal belief systems of their own? well I have news for you, doctors are people too, perhaps are you a Jordan Peterson fan? because that guy has ideology too lmao
This feels like one of those things that you've always known internally but had never heard it layed out and explained so well.
And therefore, i have been a master of both externalizing positive emotions, And internalizing negative. Hahaha.
I've basically lived my life by this principle and it carried me a long way, then started to fall apart in recent years.
I think what I'm discovering is that at a certain point I'd put so much on myself that internalizing it no long worked as motivation _and_ I started robbing Peter to pay Paul in a very ADHD demotivating way. Now I'm finding that I need to put more effort into (privately) documenting my plans, intentions, and processes so that I can actively release pressure from one thing (both draining the motivation to do it and easing the anxiety over losing track of it or what I've figured out about it so far) in order to successfully focus pressure and motivation elsewhere.
like almost everything in psychology
True
Man so many of Dr. K's videos are like this for me. So many subtle aspects of my life that I'm aware of but have never been able to address or lay out in my mind are talked about on this channel.
Literally the first time I've ever heard someone try to teach the extroverts to shut up instead of the deluge of experts telling introverts to talk more, and I'm here for it!
Extroverts are shallow less thoughtlful
@@kimbo99 as an introvert, that's completely false
@@S0NAL_ It would be true for some. Certainly that person. Thats her "take". So in YOUR personal experience no-one has ever urged you as a shy person to talk more. I have pleaded with shy people to talk more. I have two relatives who only say 6 words a week. So I can well understand Oinsichean's remark. Differing ages can affect our comparative experiences.
@@S0NAL_ Such an impetuous introvert you are. Silently waiting in ambush ?. Ambush predator? Your moniker is scary. A Cobra symbol then Motto Strike First Strike Hard NO mercy Cobra symbol. Venomous predator is your chosen ID. Moniker and your manner makes you look like a troll.
@@S0NAL_ And Look 16 people disagree with you. So you are isolated Mr Snake.
Comment sections in videos about introverts are always just congregations of introverts and I love it
As a introvert myself, I am actually really glad for once that I am one, because I grew up in a family that believes being extroverts and active is “key to success” but now I come to appreciate the fact that I don’t needa be a extrovert to do what I love and succeed at it
Lmao. 😅 @@Sasukesanimation. Tell your family a list of the CEOs and true creators of every single I mean it almost every single big company out there and watch their leaders in interview . All of them have been an introvert personality. Tell them extroverts always end up working for these introverts at the top. Which is not a bad things it's just stop beating yourself up over this.
Hell yeah, us Introverts have the high ground and unfair advantage, and the extroverts haven't paid attention or noticed yet. I say this as an introvert myself.
Beep beep! The GD community has arrived!
Congregation jumpscare
The "language as a substitute for action" part I can very much relate. The more I discuss doing something, the less likely I am to follow through, more than 90% of the time.
"Don't talk about it, Be about it"
Yeah it's way easier to talk something to bits then pulling the trigger on it.
exactly... worst thing is I do the language think with myself
Yeah don't about your goals anywhere . Go on about achieving them and then talk about it .
LIT
This is honestly 100% true. In my experience, I quit my job recently so I could go all-in on becoming a professional artist. I was so hyped and so proud that I went around and told everybody I knew. 2 months in I was completely burnt out and not doing anything but wasting time playing video games when I was supposed to be studying and practicing. Everybody hyping me up for it gave me that artificial pat on the back and it left me completely stagnant in my progress.
Conversely, I started going to the gym for the first time in 5 or 6 years and haven't told anyone other than my gf, and I've only missed 1 day in a month and a half. Keeping things related to your goals to yourself really does help you get a lot more mileage out of those things because there's no finish line, no extra pressure, nobody to try to impress or nobody to prove to that you were right, not lying, etc. But most importantly, no invalid validation. No fake pats on the back. Just you and the task at hand, and that really helps me thrive personally.
''Keeping things related to your goals to yourself really does help you get a lot more mileage out of those things because there's no finish line, no extra pressure, nobody to try to impress or nobody to prove to that you were right, not lying, etc.''
That part felt like a slap on the face to me. Hear me out. I spent SO MANY DAYS in my childhood and teenage years telling eveerrryyyoonee who had working ears about my goals. I wanted to have this ''told ya!'' moment when I was older and achieving everything I wanted. Fast forward to my adulthood, I achieved absolutely nothing from what I wanted and it made me extremely depressed. But after a bit of reflection, I realized that I was more depressed because I didn't get the validation I wanted. I felt ashamed because I didn't have my ''told ya!'' moment. But these people? I don't have them in my life anymore. I haven't some of them in more than a decade. They don't care about me, they probably didn't care about me then, either. Those who remained my friends only want me to be happy, they don't care what I achieved as long as I am happy and secure. Are unachieved goals depressing? Yes. But I have new goals I am pursuing right now. But I would have saved myself so much pain if I wasn't doing it for some people and their pointless validation.
There’s some types of goals that work better when shared, especially if you have discipline.
Starting a company requires collaboration and a team of skilled people. Letting others know that you’re assembling a team will help you find the right people.
Thank you for this! I observed this too about myself - when I share my goals, I get demotivated and when I keep my goals to myself, I am more likely to get to them. Part of it is because I don’t have particular supportive people in my life, but also feeling judged is a demotivator for me, not a motivator. If I sense someone will jidge me or not believe in my goals, then I have the tendency to believe them and then I will spiral into negative thinking and end up in a really negative place.
When I focus on getting the action done without telling people, it is more likely that I will actually do that action.
💙
751 artificial pats on the back, and counting.
I have noticed this directly in my life. The more I talk about wanting to do something, the more it never happens. It will actually be a struggle for me to keep these things a secret because I get so excited, but I know I will actually get more things done if I do so.
The reason I talk to people about wanting to do something is when I'm not sure it is the right thing to do and would like their opinion and advice, if I'm sure about doing the right thing I will just go ahead and do it without having to tell anybody.
As an introvert, I feel like the whole not telling anyone your goals to keep it internal makes sense. However, I feel like it's true because people you tell can rapidly take the motivation away from you without even realizing it. Something as little as the other person not being interested in your goal(s) can completely tank any motivation i have towards something for months on end. What i really feel this technique is doing is teaching you how to not look for validation from other people for things that you are trying to achieve because youll never get what you want out of life if youre living for other peoples approval.
I can really resonate with the 'people being disinterested' bit. It's true, and the reality is, 95% of people don't really care about other people's projects. They're the heros of their own stories too, just like us. So we have to care for our projects ourselves.
This. I find most drain the motivation from me rather than feed it, so I'd rather move in silence.
I relate to this too as a story writer, I have a friend who often asks for more information on my story but when I tell him anything he goes way too critical and that drains my motivation immensely.
Only problem is that there's almost nothing you can do by yourself. Depending on the "goal" you need teams of people with different skillsets to get it done in a reasonable amount of time, which is where we introverts are at a major disadvantage. If it's just a hobby, you can take all the time you want but if it's something you want to do to live... You'll run out of time quick. In the US it's all about who you know and not so much what you can do unless you're in the top 1% of people with your skill. The referral will always get the job/contract first.
Man, that's exactly how I feel. I was going to do something once, but after telling someone they really bumbed me out about it, and I've never ended up doing it. Thats why i always do it first and tell people later, or when they talk about it.
I feel ATTACKED for preferring being alone in my hobbies. There are some people that seem to try to FORCE socializing onto me like I'm a bad person because I feel healthier being alone most of the time.
Dam I wonder how your friends would be around you
I’m the same way. Family and friends want me to be more social and I think I should too. I try sometimes it’s difficult learning to be but I’m never going to become an extrovert because I simply enjoy being alone. I’ll become more social but if people don’t understand that I don’t want to be forced to do anything they might as well just stop talking to me lol
Not a bad person, but be mindful that feeling unhealthy around people is not necessarily introverted. It may also be that you are not great at dealing with people, which is a skill we fall behind on the more we avoid people.
By all means, don't hang out with toxic people or go to all the parties. I just think it's important to distinguish preferences and fear.
I have this problem with some of my Co-workers, and I always feel bad about it. Sometimes I just dont want to talk but theyll make an effort to come over to me to talk about some random thing I have 0 interest in at the moment. 😪
I wish I could just survive alone with no friends (nor any need for them)
Most of my family would rather live in the middle of nowhere with no one else around.
As an extrovert who was raised by introverts, I feel cheated out of the social skills necessary to my survival as an extrovert 😞
We introverts end up losing positive energy not by venting, but by overthinking 😅
😂😂 .... absolutely right
Stick to the mantra!
Do silently! if you do something you will never gonna overthink
😂😢exactly I'm extreme overthinkrt
Truly this.
as a introvert we have nothing to prove to others, other than to prove to ourselves that we can do it, because no one will ever be impressed because they don't understand the success we're fixing to have
Well said
This is so right! Definitely have those types of people in my life.
💯💯💯
when your goal is A, and for them that would be a loss, stop talking with them about A
@@thomas.thomas when did i say i talked about goals?
As an introvert, this is a breath of fresh air to hear. As I grow older, the more I was starting to feel that to "succeed" I need to be extroverted and very proactive on social media, which goes completely against my nature. This gives me the permission to not worry about that anymore and start putting more effort into what's important.....the thing I actually enjoy.
I’m glad this video was on your path to help guide you. I think feeling aligned within ourselves is much more important than conforming to our society’s norms & pressures.
As an extrovert who hasn’t ventured into all of social media yet, I’m glad I was given this warning early
Being and introvert won't show any problem to you,i've heard from a ton of people that are very sucessful but introverts.
And just to make it clear,being antissocial is different from being an introvert.Antissocial are those who try to run away at any means from a conversation,and usually shut themselves from the world,while introverts prefer to be by themselves,but can cummunicate normally if needed
Idk this society is desgined to appeal to extroverts. You don't become US present by being compentent, but barking the loudest pleasing the masses.
As an introvert I have always known that this is my power. I have this room in my house that I call the "situation room". I sit in silence every early in the morning for 30 mins. When I leave that room, I am force to reckon with.... energized in the silence.
lol who believes this cringe,
Right after you leave the “situation “ room I bet you get palpitations when ordering your coffee at Starbucks
Aren't you doing the opposite of that?Because now you are writing/flexing this here.
Keep doing you bro, you clearly have haters and that's the mark you're doing something right. Didn't say anything negative and they're still bothered
@@surfmuf1314that’s social anxiety not introversion
@@surfmuf1314*whoosh*
What's tough about this is, it's so tempting to bounce your idea off of someone just so you can maybe convince yourself that it wasn't a stupid idea all along. That's the trouble I have as a story writer, anyway. But Dr K is absolutely right, my motivation does kind of sink after I explain my plans to somebody, UNLESS we're having a collaborative conversation that directly feeds into how my story should progress, which is where I typically get extra motivation
My motivation sinks in those situations because I'm usually not getting positive reinforcement, and if I am then I just assume the person doesn't know enough about my goals to give a valid critique. I tend to do best when I get lost in my head to the point of borderline delusion and can turn those aspirations into castles. By the time you come back to reality, you have something so much bigger than you could have otherwise. I think a kinder way to phrase it is that not talking about your aspirations lets you dream as big as you possibly can without ever having to take reality checks. Let your imagination run wild and don't let your adult brain give you 100 reasons why it's not possible.
At the same time though, daydream / fantasy without action and reality checks is another recipe for disaster. It's a balancing act.
I have this issue that I get the best ideas while talking to someone about the problem/project/idea. Balancing act for sure… 😊
I think both things are true. Talking about some projects makes a ton of sense, if you're gonna talk about them to someone with a working brain. If they're not going to help you because it's not their field or they don't have idea how that stuff works, then just don't spit it out. I didn't yet notice that this is a fact, but effectively I think it happened to me a few times, so I tend to talk only about what I'm doing currently (often actually, but helps me thinking about the next step, and I don't think affects my motivation. Also because they won't tell me all the time that I'm great, at least not the ones who I keep updated. Maybe if they congratulate me too often I feel embarassed and I stop updating them ahah), and not what I'm going to do. Basically, if you know someone with the right mindset, talk about it, it will probably outweigh the cost. You should avoid being the talker guy in short. To me, talking to ONE particular friend of mine who has the entepreneur type of mindset, really helped me to believe in my own project, and so in that scenario, it really was worth it
I think as long as you don't talk about your goals and what you want to do and just keep the conversation technical to a specific thing you need feedback or advice from, then it shouldn't drain your energy as much. And, like Dr. K mentioned about reinternalizing, write down some notes or record the conversation so you can internalize the information later.
I am also a story writer and when it comes about my stories so far I only talk about them to my cousin and my partner but that's mainly because both of them are writers as well and usually when I tell them I get a bunch of Motivation because they also get me Feedback and ideas but when it comes to everyone else I just personally do not like to tell them about what I am currently writing/planning
I think this is why I love doing secret projects. I internalize the hype because I want to surprise people with something that I've been planning in the background for a while. Then once I complete the project and share it with my friends, it's just a rush of positive feedback that motivates me to begin the next thing. Getting started will always be the hardest part though.
Thanks for the advice!
@@Poodle_Gun No problem, just wanted to share how I related to what Dr K is saying
Totally agree! At the moment I'm actually writing a... wait, nevermind.
Anyway I totally agree!
Exact same though process here :D I got a lot of secret projects and even though they are done as a hobby (and not for others) it doubles as a nice surprise to whoever I would show when it’s finished
Interesting perspective. I'm an introvert creative and have actually tried to be more open about my intentions in recent years because I thought telling people "I'm going to make this and release it at this time" would make me more accountable (to them and myself) than if I had told nobody. That person might ask how it's coming along, or I will just have the gnawing feeling that I’m going to disappoint the people I told if I don’t act. I would say it’s actually helped propel my productivity as well; but like most things in life, I suppose there is a happy medium, and it probably differs a little bit for each individual.
Yup, I tried talking about my intentions to others, and it gave me motivation most of the time, but when they did not care as much as I'd liked them to care, it was such unmotivating that I'd rather keep it to myself unless they're asking for it.
I would consider my recent actions and behaviour to be introvert creative also, I've been trying to write this thing for my friend for literally months. At first I didn't tell him about it at all cuz I wanted it to be a surprise, but I kept procrastinating it. For the past few months I have mentioned it to him, and discussed it with the same hope, he would encourage me, and it would make me feel more accountable, but I've still not managed to make any more progress. So really, I feel lost on both ends with this one
I feel what's happening here is the reinternalisation that he mentioned at the end of the video right? as i was thinking about the same thing as an introvert who often needs pressure from other people to get stuff done. I feel like if i tell someone about something knowing that they're going to bring it up in the future will give me more motivation to continue on that something (but if a person wouldn't be interested or mention it again then telling them is generally a negative)
Hence why I try to write at least a few chapters for my Wattpad books, before releasing the drafts. Even then though, it's almost never easy, though that situation tends to improve as more chapters are completed and released.
I always told myself that I should realise that there are always exceptions... that's why I'm so curious about everything
I live in Colombia, and my mom has a tradition of "hey, don't tell anyone you're doing this, or it will never happen", which has worked in my favor. I find it very interesting that it is actually a thing that has been researched and not just "grandma's knowledge", if you get me.
ME TOO!!! My mom has always given me this advice, but I've never had it broken down and explained like in this video. My mom is from Mexico!
Cómo es el dicho en español? me llama la atención
@@getsuga4655 sería algo como "no digas tus metas si no quieres que se cumplan", o al menos eso es lo que me dice mi mamá
Grandma's knowledge is the realest knowledge
I understand this ideology but doesnt it contradict the saying "speaking it into existence "?
I love this. I've always lived by the saying "Cook in Silence". Which essentially means that when I commit to something, I do not promote or speak about it until my goal has been accomplished. I never want to be seen as the person who says they will do something, and then doesn't do it. For example, I left college about 7 years ago with 2 years left to complete my undergrad. When I decided it was time to return to school, I didn't post on socials about going back and I didn't tell many people either. Now that I am graduating this summer, I'm excited to tell people I completed if it comes up in convo
Nice phrase "cook in silence"
I also live by this principle. Just that I don't ever tell anybody about anything. Not even in smalltalk. Even when I achieved something big.
I can't find logic in telling people something about anything though I understand and empathize the reason they do it.
Also known as, “let him cook!”
@@tuksc it’s not AKA “let him cook” because that implies people know what you’re trying to cook, cook in silence 🔥👏
let him simmer
@@junyaiwase let him cook in silence!
Ambivert here. Or rather, an extrovert getting more and more introverted. I've always thought that talking about something was a first step to make it real. I was then feeling obliged to make the things happen, to be coherent with myself on the outside. But what you say is touching some inner chords, as sometimes I feel that I talk and about what I'm gonna do, but then I do not concretise it and then I feel shame because I was not consistent and I enter some phases of depression. I will try to follow your advice: to keep things silent and then to vent them out once I feel I have made them happen and they are real 😊
I can resonate with everything that you said
Never knew extroverts can go introvert. That is something new for me
@@andrry_armor You can't. These are unchangable brain states. You can train yourself to tolerant being alone, but you can never switch to being an introvert.
My mom always told me since childhood: "Never tell anyone your goals and desires until they are already a reality."
This makes so much sense. My mom always manages to drain my motivation because she forces me to talk.
Not to be negative but it's more likely that you lose motivation because talking about It makes the loopholes and holes in you plans come up
My mom made a needlepoint picture of an owl. Underneath, it said:
A wise old owl lived in an oak,
The more he saw, the less he spoke,
The less he spoke, the more he heard,
The wise old owl was a wise old bird
It hung over my bed for years.
@@dariolaseri2661 That happens every time when I make a plan and my parents tell me to talk about it. all the loopholes come out and I feel like the plan is useless.
@@rastus666 i want that on my grave
As a lifelong CBT patient and introvert who struggles with depression and low motivation, this is completely accurate for me.
… now I just need goals and to tell no one about them. 😂
Understand that, I’ve been battling with depression ever since I was a little boy; and to say the least I’ve never had close friends; and when I was younger I had no friends at all.
I have a goal, I don’t like to tell people; but I do have one that I’ve been doing ever since I was a youthful 7 year old..it’s quite fun to be alone at times, just know your not alone. I hope you can live happily and fruitfully.
I think I've subconsciously been watching this concept play out in my life for years, but I never fully understood the cause. I'm always uncomfortable telling people about my aspirations and projects and even hobbies. I think subconsciously I knew that if I talk to people about it, I'll suddenly want to do it less, whether or not I get positive affirmation from it.
I've never understood "accountability partners". The idea always felt a little backwards to me, and now I understand why.
100%. I've been guilted over it many times in various creative social circles for never sharing much about what I'm doing, but for some reason I've always known. My aspirations have turned into castles in my mind and as soon as I start sharing that, it feels like I lose touch with it and I have no idea why. One might say that verbalizing it forces you to come to reality with your aspirations, but I think that reality you interpret can only hold you back. It's better to shoot as high as you can and let that guide you to wherever it is you end up.
Accountability partners (should) work in the same way as journals. Like how you write down stuff to reflect and refer back to them later, it's the same when you share with a certain people who you hope will remind you of what you've set out to do.
I get this so much, I feel like every time I finally tell someone what I've been passionate about for the past several months, all of a sudden my drive to continue pursuing that thing is completely drained. I've thought a big reason that happens is because I've gotten to a point where im proud enough of my accomplishments to share it with people, and then because ive gotten that fulfillment its easier to put a lid on making progress in whatever it was I was doing. I wish I was just proud of everything I did and was willing to talk to the people close to me about aspirations more often, but the fear of failure and embarrassment stops me. I need to consider it a success before I tell people about it.
I guess "accountability partners" do actually help in holding yourself accountable, but don't help with motivation. So you know you must do the thing, but you don't really want to, which is not a nice situation to be in.
It reminds me a bit of the video "Why it's actually valuable to be detached" and lowering the resistance instead of increasing the external motivations.
Accountability partners may work later in the project when I'm scared of looking for a publisher or going public or the parts that I don't want to do but need to be done. But when I'm in the early stages or haven't even started being "accountable" to someone is only going to make me feel an incredible amount of pressure to perform and have results. That'll lead me to quit in order to alleviate the pressure.
As a rare extrovert in this community, I want to say thank you. I suspect that this video will be incredibly helpful to me.
As an ex introvert and embracing extrovert, it is a breath of fresh air to have a past me so understood, that I can completely empathize with my closest introvert friends today. Thank you so much @healthygamergg
99% of the people watching this video are introverts 😓
Team extrovert
@nicopengin Same here. My introvert to extrovert transition was incredible and it took a break up to get there unfortunately.. but anyways I'm better now. And it's good to see some qualities the more introverted me had which would actually come in handy for me now.
@@powerjolt7215 So you just change part of your being? I call bs. Thats sounds more like you defined yourself as introvert to protect your ego, but you were never introverted in the first place. Its the difference between not wanting to go to a party, because you are introverted or claiming you don't want to go, because you werent invited.
No offense, but thats my impression. Please change my mind.
This is the best 12 minutes I’ve spent on TH-cam all week.
It reminds me of a good conversationalist who, instead of talking about themselves, asks the person they are talking to questions and that person is the one who is doing most of the talking. It’s like kicking a ball and the ball rolls for a bit then you kick it again. You can be great at conversations and not hardly talk at all.
I just had a great moment with my wife recently where I vented out the one time she basically doubted our relationship from years ago. It was SO intimacy-building and healing for me, and I told her going into it I was going to be releasing pressure and it was going to be tough and high-intensity. Extremely painful crying, a little wailing and being hugged/held was the only way to get through it.
The whole deal with sharing the burden is 1000% real. Getting even old things that aren't 'relevant' anymore out of your brain alone instantly at least halves the load, and sometimes the load totally goes away when you can discuss things with the only other involved party.
open communication is really key!
Whis more people understand that
100%. This means more than just not lying, Raw honesty. Tell your partner everything they might possibly need to know, open your soul, even if it seems like it might not be that important to them. If you spend time thinking about it, share it with them.
In context of this topic, sharing your goals with your partner may deplete your energy a little, but if your partner is on board, you just doubled the energy between you for the now mutual goal. If they don't agree but are truly 100% committed to you they will challenge you to hone the idea to the point they are on board (or you realize that it was maybe not thought out well enough and modify or move on to a better idea).
Mid-50s guy here, diagnosed ADHD in my 20s. I have long recognized that talking about what i intend to do makes it far more difficult to actually do it, and have learned over the years to not mention such things. Never understood why that would be and have wondered about it often. This makes perfect sense. Thank you!
Same here!
As a certified successful introvert I attest to every word of this being true. But I never heard it so succinctly formulated. Kudos to you doc.
Someone told me something very similar to this recently, but it was one introvert to another. What she said was to watch out for your imagination as well. I believe there is a study at NYU that kind of shows that even visualizing having accomplished your goal and getting that dopamine boost can eat away at your motivation on whatever it is you're imagining. Always gotta look out even in your own head.
Actually relatable. I've had times where I hype myself up and imagine myself in such an accomplishing way but obviously, I never really end up doing whatever it is. I used to just brush it off and think to myself that it's because my current situation is stopping me and I should wait for the future for things to allow me to do said accomplishment, but it makes sense that it's really just me stopping myself.
This makes so much sense to me. My internal world is so much more ‘real’ to me than the external world. So if I visualise what I want, part of me feels like I’ve already got it/experienced it and therefore I don’t pursue it in real life.
@@BanjoPixelSnacksaaame. Especially when it comes to conversations with other😅 I tend to have imaginary conversations about stuff i want to tell spesific other people, and then be content with not actually telling them. Never ends well...
Thank you for telling about that! I feel like it will useful, so grateful for you sharing that information
incredibly based and profound take
this felt like a direct call-out. I can think of a list of at least 5 major goals that I have that I've made little to no progress on, but have yammered away about to those close to me (I am still an introvert, but I'm pretty boring, so I don't really have many things to talk about aside from my goals). I've already done a lot of damage to my motivation over the years by being a talker, but it's time to be a doer.
It's ironic how people who genuinely call themselves boring always seem to be some of the more interesting folks. Good luck with realizing your goals, mate!
you did it again lol
@@BusinessWolf1😂
@@AHeroWith1000Namesit's the hallmark of an introvert. All of us say that but we don't really believe it. It's just we're too nerdy to say what we're interested in out loud.
You are not boring, you are just not expressing yourself out of fear
I went back to college and finished my degree and told very few people. Later, I saved up every penny I had and paid off my mortgage, telling few people.
I accomplished both of these goals, and it was much easier just keeping it to myself for the most part. Every once in a while I would put my phone down, sit on the couch and just think about the goal and create timelines.
This guy is right for sure.
I'd like to add a caveat. As a highly associative abstract thinker, expressing my intentions to others hugely increases my chances of succeeding because it forces me to articulate the thing I want and be more precise than I would be in the space of my own brain. I will continue to flesh out my intentions while talking about them with others. Those people will probably ask questions and offer suggestions, which is great fuel for taking the next step. Also, those people will ask me later: are you still on that project? How is it going? And that helps me to be decisive and either follow through or actively shelve the idea if I cannot make it work at that time. If I would "store the energy inside" nothing much would come from any of my wild ideas
from what i can piece, your not doing the same kind of communication, its more like your collaborating than you are sharing. If you were to be doing stuff like posting how to, progress reports, or other similar idea's, you would probably be in a different position about this. however your building up your idea to a more polished state, than going off alone to put the idea into action.
Yeah, I was waiting for video to discuss accountability and how sharing goals can lead to an extra motivation given the right mindset. If I share future plans with someone, it adds to my motivation because of a feeling of integrity.
@@jrgenlundegard8816 for me sometimes that kind of pressure (to keep my words and then be ashamed when and if I don't) are so debilitating that I end up not doing anything at all.
Not always, but it happens.
@@shira_yone yeah, I can see that, especially if there's a lot going on at once. But sometimes I use it deliberately as an extra incentive
write it in a journal
Years ago I took part in a training program where one of the exercises we were given was to break up into small groups to find ways to motivate each other. My running came up. I was running for exercise, or to see if I could gradually increase my fitness and my speed over time as I became more fit. The participant who was playing the role of "trainer" couldn't understand why I was running. He saw the "correct" reason to run as "to beat other people" and was unable to grasp that anyone would run otherwise.
That was when I decided that there are people who are "competitive" and "non-competitive". A competitive person may feel the need to compete against other people in everything they do, while a non-competitive person may be turned off entirely by an activity that is set up for that end.
Humans are competitive by nature. Its mostly the difference between competing with others vs competing with yesterday self.
You are competing against yourself. Can I run 1 mile, 2 or 4. I did 2 miles in 18 minutes. Can I do it in 17?
@@robertowens2022 While it is true that I am competing with myself, the person with whom I was speaking could not understand why "beating other competitors" was not only not a motivation, but a turnoff to me. As a middle-aged woman, it made no sense for me to break my body trying to train like a teenager. But I could still improve as long as I trained intelligently and cautiously.
I’m so glad there’s a scientific explanation for this! I have not watched the video fully yet and have just briefly skimmed through the little segments, so I want to share my experience with this before my brain attempts to modify my memories to match the video.
I’ve been an introvert for my whole life until my Sophomore year of High School, where I learned to talk and make conversations. It’s amazing how easy it becomes once you learn to smile and be meaningfully invested in the other person! Anyways, and I’ve told this to my friends, how I felt that I lost a part of myself during my shift to becoming extroverted. I described it as “I felt more stupid and one-dimensional now,” but I also found that I preferred to talk about my problems and feelings rather than fix them. It’s less that being extroverted had a negative impact but being a introverted just had a more positive impact. The reason I say this is because when I was more introverted, I had so much alone time that I basically talked to myself, thought about life to myself, and some other things. I was also more motivated and when I did talk to my close friends, I felt wittier and smarter with my replies. I’m currently in a mode of “trying to find myself” and return to being introverted, or at least the introverted lifestyle, because I really enjoyed how intelligent I was back then compared to my current dull-feeling self. I hope it’s possible and being socially awkward isn’t a prerequisite to becoming introverted again haha. There’s some other stuff but I can’t really remember but I will answer questions. Note that I have not lived as long as many of y’all, so just know my experiences are those of a 17 year old. Also I’m writing this before school so excuse the crude and vagueness of my comments haha.
Also my 15 personalities is INFJ, in case anyone is curious. (Time to watch the video!!)
introversion and extroversion aren't usually "changeable," but are instead where you get energy from. Introverts tend to recharge from alone time, and extroverts tend to recharge from spending time with people. What you're talking about seems to just be you coming out of your shell and being able to talk to people more, which is a common thing to happen, especially since your sophomore year would be the first full year in high school w/o dealing with COVID.
Most people are just ambiverts and don't lean strongly one way to another so it's easily possible a few outside variables like anxiety about being awkward is enough to make it seem you lean a certain way. The real method to attain introspection (the thinking to yourself) is simply to give yourself space in the day to day. Space without external information. You need space to process and digest all the recent experience first, then only once this is done will introspection naturally wake up and begin looking around as usual. The correlation between extroverts and no introspection has more to do with busy schedules than personality type.
As an introvert that's been curious of my motives, this is extremely true. I tried to be more extroverted in social situations, expressing dreams, passions, goals, etc. but the more I talked, the less I acted. But when I kept things to myself (which was natural) I was able to perform. It felt paradoxical. Letting go of the goal somehow helped me reach the goals. I always thought venting (whether positive or negative) helped but it seemed to harm me more sometimes. Moral: Pay attention to what words you choose and learn to shutup.
Very well said.👍👍👍
I completely agree
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:10 🤔 We often think introverts are at a disadvantage, but they have a natural advantage at cultivating motivation.
01:11 🕯️ Keeping a mantra secret allows its power to grow, while sharing it diminishes its power.
02:21 🗣️ When you vocalize trauma, its power over you diminishes. A mantra works opposite - keeping it inside builds up positive energy.
03:30 💬 People who talk a lot about their goals on social media tend to be less successful in achieving them.
04:53 🎓 Talking about your goals gives you rewards without doing the work, diminishing motivation.
06:46 🧠 Language can substitute for action, they draw from the same energy pool. Too much talk depletes energy for action.
08:07 🤐 If you want to achieve a goal, keep it to yourself. There is an inverse correlation between talking and doing.
09:45 📝 If you journal or vent, re-internalize it after. Scope conversations to minimize motivation leakage.
11:24 🪔 Channel positive motivation into action, not words. Introverts naturally do this by talking less.
Made with HARPA AI
Thank you
🙏
Many introverts are talkative, but mostly one-on-one with people whom they know.
@@davidz3879 yea bro
Made with HARPA AI 😂
"Win through action, never through argument" -Robert Greene (Law #9)
The Power of Silence in A World That Can StopTalking is a very good read on introverts. The advantage introverts have in the real world is enormous. Being shy is different and needs to be worked on. Being an introvert just means you like to be alone more than with a crowd, which let's you walk your own path. He's only touching on one aspect of one advantage.
Meanwhile being extrovert gives you way more positives however, best is to be introverted extrovert who can flip between those at will. Introverts and extroverts are just extremes - an error in human DNA coding and should be actually avoided. Ambivert is the norm.
Quiet is also a good book to read.
@@Dark_Voice I really don't buy the whole distinction and I'm wondering if it has any scientific basis at all.
As an extrovert leaning ambivert, I always was a bit annoyed when I heard people say that we more extroverted people got it so good. Think about it this way:
Needing this more company to stay positive is more of a dependancy. It's harder to make plans with someone than it is to stay by yourself.
Additionally, extroverts automatically being better at socializing is a myth. We can be shy and worry all the same as introverts do.
Shyness ≠ introversion
I am with this mentality for like, 3 months, and I can honestly see the difference. I was always the "speaker", because I was trying to motivate close friends, and I was actually failing on doing myself. Now, I have a new project, just my parents know, and is going much better than the last ones. Now, this video appears, just to confirm < 3
It is insane that I’ve been noticing this case a lot lately. Sharing what you’ll do diminishes the motivation of actually doing it. As an outgoing Introvert (Ambivert) I have experienced this countless of times in mostly art domains since sharing with others your creative ideas is key. But on multiple occasions I would start a project, work on it for a while, and then deem it worthy of judging. I get positive feedback, incredible support, heck even excitement for the final product. What happens right after? Bam, my motivation straight up vanishes. It took me a while to connect the dots but oh it is so real and now I’m keeping as much to myself as possible. It sucks, yeah, but I have gotten all the proof I need and as much as I love sharing my work in progress with my friends, I prefer saving that energy to actually complete whatever I’m trying to do in the first place.
As soon as you talked about venting out negative thoughts I understood that it goes the same for positive thoughts.
This is so accurate. I've noticed my motivation to do a thing drop significantly the moment I talk about it.
I had a dream for my life, talked about it too much, and let that dream die.
I only agree with this concept halfway. As a child up into high school, I had the dream of going to Harvard for college, and I told literally everyone who I could. Back then, I received no positive reinforcement as Dr. K says in the video. The responses I received ranged from bafflement to disbelief in my abilities. My motivation remained high and I eventually got accepted, just as I had always dreamed. Motivation isn’t simply dictated by what you say. If you have a dream that you believe in with all your heart and soul, you will find endless motivation in it.
Yeah, I agree with you. I have accomplished a lot by telling people my plans in detail because it keeps me accountable as I was worried about looking like a chump if I didn't follow through. I think Dr. K is probably only talking about a narrow group of people who were never motivated and just talk shit with no intention of following through.
Dr. K did say that positive reinforcement is required to cause your energy to leak out (4:44 reward). Since you didn't get the positive reinforcement, talking to everyone about your goal didn't rob you of your motivation.
For every one person who succeeded in their mission by telling people ahead and used that as motivation, I have know ten others who failed miserably.
You were lucky those people didn't validate you, that usually doesn't happen. They actually helped you by doubting you, motivating you even more to prove them wrong.
@@maskedbadass6802 > I think Dr. K is probably only talking about a narrow group of people who were never motivated and just talk shit with no intention of following through.
That's me. Reason why I don't do anything but talk. I seriously need to stop... talking, online.
At work place, I always like to talk to people about ideas so I could get them to help or support in some way. It has been somewhat beneficial but also super mentally tiring. I love what Dr. K is saying. Just shut up and keep and grown the energy within.
Not an extrovert but I am someone who grew up relying on external validation as a motivator for my own success (welcome to growing up Autistic 👍) Thanks for the helpful reminder that I don't need somebody else's opinion to approve the path I'm headed down, nor do I need to waste my precious energy on that 😊 it's a constant process of unlearning and trying to cultivate that motivation from within, especially without getting bogged down by my own negativity and skepticism within (that's what the venting is for!)
I understood this principle almost by chance, I initially stopped talking about my stuff simply because I couldn't bear the dissapointment of others when I didn't follow through (or in some cases, what I perceived or assumed. Like, it doesn't matter how real the judgement was, it was real in my emotional mind). I came to the conclusion that if I could hold back from disclosing my plans in advance and only share when there is something to share, everyone can only be pleasantly surprised. And when I do manage to shut the f*** up, I noticed I do follow through a bit more often than before. So I kinda stumbled on that and I'm glad to hear an expert/scientific take on the underlying principle, to better understand and apply it.
I figured it out in an opposite, yet similar way. For me it started with friends and family who liked to "challenge" goals and ideas by saying "no you're not gonna do that", "you won't be able to", etc. and it very much did NOT give me the "underdog" mindset they seemed to think it would. I just stopped talking about anything and everything I wanted to do until it was done, and even then sometimes I don't bother because I learned it was just an invitation for open hands. When I got into the working world, I quickly started realizing that the people who consistently talked about their plans were either 1. trying to look busy or 2. looking for validation. The result was often the same... Very little got done, but everyone knew what the person WANTED to do.
Unfortunate, because in some industries that's all they need to hand you a one-way ticket up the ladder. Positive Reinforcement at its worst.
@@belogikal Yes, stating your plans once doesn't have to be damaging. Talking about things all the time is.
I am an introvert. I tell what I will do, then I am doing it. Being trustworthy is core value for me. So when I am telling somebody "I will do this and that by then" it is what motivates me. Without telling others the chances that I will manage to overcome by executive disfunction is much lower.
Yes, I love your statement "Shut the hell up!". I am an introvert and usually I feel like disadvantaged, a loser. I dont like to talk about my goals like many ppl around. Now I know how to keep and then compound that pool of positive energy. Thank you sir!❤
I think you are overlooking one thing. While I think you are right about the correlation of not doing something and talking about it I think the same correlation exists in thinking a lot about something and not doing it. I am an introvert and I can think for hours day after day about something I might want to do but I will never follow through with that thing if I actually start thinking that much about it, its like thinking about it is enough for me just like talking about it might be enough for an extrovert.
This has basically been the story of my life. I'd always rather think about doing something than actually do it. This made procrastination pretty much an insurmountable problem and basically resulted in me never doing anything. Ever. It took me too long to realize this by myself and try to overcome it. If only I'd known about it earlier 😔
Interesting.. I'm an introvert myself and have experienced what you described. I wonder if it's because thinking (i.e. putting our emotions into words in our head) is also a way of depleting motivation by language. It may be the feeling (prior to verbalising even in our heads) that we need to preserve, rather than just not literally saying our thoughts externally.
i'm literally experiencing what you've said for the last two years and i think it's because of me focusing on bad (ideas-emotions) and the evil that exists in our world so i would say save yourself first then others when you have the means to do so .
This is interesting because this explains a lot of things I've noticed about myself. For the longest time I've always talked about becoming an electrical engineer, but now I'm at the point where I've mostly given up on that because in reality I just want to be an electrical technician. It also reminds me of how every time I really want to make plans with my friends, I actually don't like talking about those plans unless I know we can plan for certain. So if I want to do something with them, I won't bring it up if I know we can't, because usually the things we talk about doing, we never end up doing.
Theres a technique I've used in therapy called the "Empty Chair". Its a way to process unfinished business or unresolved trauma with an individual. You envision them sitting in an empty chair next to you, sometimes the therapist may actually assume the role of the individual, sometimes not. BUt you basically get stuff off your chest by conversing with this person in the safe space of therapy. Basically by having this conversation, even though the real person isn't there, the act of engaging in the conversation from your end can be incredibly healing for the person who was hurt. This is a technique that I used heavily to get over trauma. It is a great way to deal with people that you may not be safe interacting with again (an abuser for example), it could be someone who has passed on and you are unable to talk to anymore, and other circumstances where having a conversation with the real individual doesn't make sense. In fact sometimes it can be more healing to have an empty chair conversation than a real one because it allows you to start over and control the conversation in a way that is healing.
Anyway, this technique reminds me of this video. The act of getting the conversation out is all that is really needed. There are diminishing benefits to having that conversation "for real" and sometimes there are actually advantages to avoiding it (like being able to control or restart the conversation for example).
I feel like talking about my dreams to other people actually motivates me to pursue those dreams. It's kind of like applying peer pressure to myself in order to motivate me to achieve those dreams since I don't want to dissapoint them.
Glad that works for you, psychology after all doesn’t describe everyone and it’s usually not absolute.
On the other hand I have found it funny that all the people who ran their mouth have failed at it. Had a dude in our first year of undergrad after HS take like one college class and took a picture in a suit and post it on fb and told everyone “can’t believe I’m going to be a lawyer and I came from nothing” he was a good guy and loved talking about dreams but talked too much. He did it over and over and he failed and now I see no signs of him ever talking about it 😂. Also had a girl who always talked shit about me behind my back. After I got into my doctorate program, she got a low level entry job in my field and told everyone she was going to get into that program too. Failed and now she’s a wannabe makeup artist with 100 followers on ig and tells herself she’s an influencer. Another one was my friend talking shit about how he was gonna make more money than me and will peak higher because his field has a higher pay ceiling. Guess he found out they don’t pay you a lot of money for nothing, and I’ve been slowly climbing to 250k a year while he’s still at just got a raise from 90k to 100k. I already knew about the psych study where people who talk about things more likely don’t take action, and it’s funny to see it play out in real life over and over. I think it’s different when you tell people you’re gonna do something simple like if you’re unemployed and will get a job, but big dreams and goals I just keep quiet.
I used to be incredibly anxiously predictive, and have intrusive thoughts with depression but after I talked to someone about it, It felt like a HUGE dumbbell being lifted up from my chest, then as time goes by I suddenly realized I'm more confident in myself and am now helping another person vent his/her problems
I'm not a gamer by any definition, but i love how accessible you make your knowledge. You're doing great work here, and I hope you appreciate it as much as the people you help do.
Well his name is more about get the knowledge to ppl that need it. PPl how hide/block there problems with Gaming.
This channel isn’t about only gamers zone or some different shit. Just the focus to give those ppl the knowledge and help they need.
The name hasn't evolved with change in it's target audience
As an introvert, I can tell that there is one advantage when you talk about your plans with other people. If other people know what is your vision there is a higher chance that other people get to know you out of a sudden which is possibly very useful for your plan. Because some of those have some abilities you might not have but are necessary for realizing your plans. So you will get more opportunities on your way of success.
It is a fine line who you tell or not. Don't tell friends and fam who will hype you up but can do nothing for you. Maybe share with a select few in business who could actually help you, but be careful they wont steal your idea or tell a rival etc. But still it is better more doing less talking, until it is done, or those business associates will doubt you too and think you are all talk no action, so wont take you serious anymore, and that adds pressure to do just for them, which leads back to square one, dont tell anyone. Until it is nearly done and they can see it actually is, to help you then
well as this guy says, telling someone your plans can be ok but only if the benefit outweighs the potential cost of losing positive energy
To sum up the comments here. It's absolutely true, that we never say everything to anyone. That is not what I wanted to stress out here. As everything in life, it is about the right balance. No only holding back everything and also no speaking out loud everything what's running in your mind. You could also consider the way you talk about your plans. Maybe only about the possible outcomes of your plans, which could make others curious.
Fr? Because I'm An Introvert Too!
I knew there was a comment with "As a introvert"
I forced myself to socialize in college. I joined a youth mentoring and activity organizing co-ed group (intercollegiate). I made enemies and didn’t get a sterling reputation because I had low EQ and a sharp tongue lol. But I also got a boy friend and had opportunity to observe social norms and primitive mating ritual. Hindsight it was a very good thing for my personal growth.
I am retired now and still have butterflies in social situation (I tend to say the unacceptable things). But I don’t fear being social. I sing at two choirs and go to swing dance parties. I try to smile more and keep my opinions to myself mostly 😆
I think this is why I don't really like being complimented whenever I am doing something that society finds particularly valuable, because I know that whenever I pay attention to that, they take something within me away
people called me stupid for not telling them what i want to do/what im doing, I always felt it was wrong doing it because the more i talked about it the further away i actually go from it. When you did the interview with Trainwrecks i was happy to realize that my feelings told me the right things, and this video explains it even deeper, thanks Dr. K
He is so right, talking about it doesn't help. I actually "Vent" my fears and negativity by talking. And don't vent stuff untill people figure it out for themselves. Helped me a lot
For me, it almost feels like the opposite. Maybe it's because I'm an extrovert instead of an introvert but when I tell someone I'm going to do something I feel almost obliged to do it and it increases the probability that I will. Maybe it's me thinking of them asking about it the next time we talk or a basis of my own self worth on the opinion of others; but if I don't get something done that I tell someone I'm going to, then it motivates me to do it because, if I don't, that person will see that as me being lazy or just see me in a more negative way than if I do what I say I'm going to do.
yeah that sounds a lot like cogntive extroversion, indeed.
I can definitely relate, telling people to keep oneself accountable is a great tool. I think it may be wise to share with others a specific step in your big plan so they can keep you accountable, but not the whole plan because (for me at least) it may become overwhelming for them to expect so much of you. Great point my friend!
Yea the video is completely wrong. Every source I've ever heard on the matter suggests that you SHOULD be telling people your goals, because that helps keep you accountable. Which makes sense if you think about it for 5 seconds.
This unit really helps if you already have a sense of responsibility and accountability. There are tons of people who like to talk but don't actually care about follow-through.
A common phrase regarding this is that someone "peaked in high school." While this may mean that they shifted what they want from life, it often leads to(especially men) people who try to live vicariously through their children thereby passing the buck for their own failures.
@@zanido9073 I don't think the sources are wrong, besides, what you said depends entirely from person to person. If you like saying your goals out loud, go ahead and do it, but if you don't, that doesn't mean you're less accountable for it.
Hey Dr. K,
usually I lurk while using social media or platforms like TH-cam.
I consider myself a introvert and I can 100% relate to the things you told us in your Video. Thank you very much, I hope this reaches out to a lot of people!
This is something I’ve noticed and have been doing for a while now. I keep my hobbies and future a secret from absolutely everyone even family and I go out of my way to hide evidence of those hobbies and goals. It’s lowkey tedious but I still think it’s the right decision in the long run
This video was very helpful! I quit social media a few months ago. I was struggling with trying to voice why I left. I felt like I was using it as more of a journal or a therapist. I would talk about all sorts of things I wanted to do, but I could never seem to just do them. Since I left, I have been more active. I’ve been going to concerts, going to the beach. I used to complain about wanting to lose weight. Since I left I actually went to a doctor and got on a weight loss plan with my PCP and I’m down almost 40 pounds! I had no idea this was actually a thing. It’s going to be hard not talking about stuff, but I told myself that if I ever got back on social media, I would only talk about the things I did.
TH-cam : manosphere highlights daily & anthonyspade reactions
This just shattered a glass wall. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. I get forced to worry about my future and what I'm gonna do everytime I interact with my family. I don't want to cause I don't know. But if I don't talk about it or I'm not forced to I get more productive and get more stuff done whereas otherwise I'm getting exhausted and almost apathetic if it gets too bad
I love this! I’m an introvert and I’ve always felt this way deep down, but never actually put it together. I just knew that I lost momentum whenever I talked about my goals/dreams. Thank you for sharing it and helping make that connection clear!
6:50 your talk about "language as a substitute for action" is actually very true in a different field; storytelling. The reason why every human engages in and enjoys stories is because stories are a hard-wired evolutionary social technology that helped us survive as a species. When you hear a really good story (through language or another related form of communication), it stimulates your brain and allows you to learn lessons vicariously, through other people. The information contained within stories are a substitute for a lesson you otherwise would have had to learn the hard way.
Wow. That's deep. 👍👍
I have been doing this for years without even realizing it. Every time I share my goals with friends and family, they seem to fall through within 1-2 weeks. It feels like I'm no longer pursuing these goals for myself, but rather to prove to others that I can achieve them.
1 million views and ONLY 3.3k comments? So most of the views are introverts haha
Hahaha. Witty.
There's no need of all the viewers to comment
This is the first time I've ever seen introverts portrayed as better than extroverts in any way whatsoever. I needed this lol, thanks!
I would love a guide how to not run out of social batterie as an introvert. Im doing alot of stuff with friends and family at the moment, and doing the stuff is cool and all, but at the same time im getting absolutely crushed by it because im just so burned out from being around people. I want to be social all the time, but its so draining. My social batterie is so dry atm im literally getting depression from it
What do you do alone to recharge? Can some of these group activities be converted to solo activities?
From one introvert to another, there’s no way to not run out of social batteries. Imo, the best way to recharge is to make time and space for oneself to be alone.
Don't beat yourself up about it. If I had to guess, I'd say maybe being an introvert isn't the problem. If you're dealing with depression, and if you're being so hard on yourself, chances are it's the negative emotions draining your energy and not the people themselves.
Depression in itself can lead people to have trouble socializing effectively, and can make it difficult to recover from a social event because you spend all your downtime ruminating instead of recharging effectively.
When I dealt with depression as a teenager, I didn't even realize that I was withdrawing from my friends until I started to feel better again, and people started pointing out that they were happy to have me back.
I know I'm making a lot of extrapolations, and maybe you don't relate to this at all, but I wanted to share just in case you find it helpful. 🙂
Whatever the case, I believe you can find balance and I'm rooting for you.
I find that I have to have time alone, normally if I have a lot of social commitments I'll just plan to leave early so I have some alone time before bed. Having a whole day planned out is so exhausting for me I try to plan a day alone after that.
I've started to tell people that i have a limited social battery and once it runs out, it is in everyones best interest that i get to recharge. Some people get tired or hungry and no one demonizes them. Its about being honest to yourself and your social circle. Some friends drain less, some drain more but it isn't personal most of the time.
I'm not a gamer, but this guy is great!!! Such insight into introversion and the struggles of "gifted" people.
This explains a lot. Ironically negative feedback is more motivating for me because then I at least have this urge to "prove them wrong" and that kinda makes me stick more by what I want to do but when I receive praise how awesome what I'm doing is I usually tend to give up on it. Now I know why
This reminds me of what a pastor told me once about how "the best prayer is the one you do in silence between you and God".
It's amazing how different cultures realized the motivation pool exists by different methods.
Great video! :D
THIS!!!!! THIS IS WHY I STOP MYSELF FROM TELLING PEOPLE WHAT I WANT TO DO.
I can’t stress how on point this is. I used to be a stellar student studying for my future and in turn I became the focus of my family. They kept asking what my end goal was when I was focused on the present. It would be the same conversation:
“What are you planning to do in the future?”
“(Environmental) Scientist”
The more I manifested what I thought I was sure to be my main goal, the more anxious I became and the more exhausting it was to study for it. Part of this ties into the gifted kid syndrome but this topic has relevance too.
What’S worse is that it killed my secondary goals or passions like origami, story writing, and sketching. Anything one could classify as ‘right brained’ activity ie. creativity, got snuffed out.
I totally hear you pal, I felt the same way when I was head student in my class, I felt so pressured that I ended up failing a test. It feels much better just to do your stuff and focus in improving instead of being ask or talk about your goals and motivations
Another reason I think this works is the "spotlight effect":
Talking about things you gonna do puts more pressure on you to perform well. And for introverts that can backfire, leading to less ideal outcomes.
As Dr. K said, the biggest challenge is keeping it secret. Sometimes communicating with others is necessary, especially when there are strict deadlines and you work in a team.
There were also instances where I lied about my successes just to keep the pressure low. It's a double-edged sword really...
Wow that is GOLD.
I had no idea about this concept and I've been sapping my own motivation with unearned, too early rewards by talking, even bragging about my goals before accomplishing them and I never realized how much it hurt my drive!!
Thank you so much that is HUGE.
I noticed a really long time ago that I am the type to make less progress towards a goal if I tell others about that goal. If I keep a goal to myself I make much more progress and am more likely to reach said goal. And the point Dr. K said about journaling is really accurate. I started journaling recently and it has helped me significantly with, not only, expelling my negative feelings but also with internalizing my positive feelings. Earlier today, for example, I was writing in my journal about some changes that are happening in my life. Once I finished writing and expelling my anxieties I had this burst of clarity and inspiration in regards to a goal recently started working towards. And now I have a step by step plan on how to achieve that goal in my journal to reference whenever needed.
This is so liberating. Somehow knew this deep down as an introvert. Whenever I talk to people I feel like I lose huge amount of mental energy and become less motivated. Counterproductively I started to isolate myself and my social skills deteriorated tho I’ve cut all the bs talking (because 90% of talking is bs) and I’m happy
Talking about what you plan to do is absolutely necessary working in a team. In my IT field, the more detail the better; it's so easy to miscommunicate, mis-interpret, misunderstand, go out of sync with co-workers and lead to messed up results.
This might be true for a lot of people. But I have never succeeded in anything if I hadn't talked about it before. I need the external "pressure" to get motivated. Trying to lose weight? Never going to succeed unless I know a couple of people will know about it. Writing a book? That goes fastest right after I talked about it with people. That get me enthusiastic and motivated.
Talking about something doesn't have to diminish your energy, it can actually increase it.
I'm the same way. I feel like it's an extra motivated to follow through and keep yourself accountable
Probably because it's not as simple as he says, there are more personalities than just introvert and extravert. A division into 16 in some systems, and 8 in some. I'm hyper introverted but if I have to converse with someone the most likely thing I'll do is babble about the ideas that I'm not going to act on.
As an introvert i have found the power i have over extroverts is in that i honestly do not care what they think of me. bI don't do ANYTHING to try and city someone else's favour or get them to like me. I just do my own thing for myself and let the chips fall where they may If someone doesn't like me because of the things I own, the car i drive, three clothes i wear etc it truly does not matter. In fact it becomes a positive thing because this automatically filters these people out of my life.
Here it feels like a community, in which everyone is supporting each other.....i am really glad that this video showed up on my feed and was so relatable to my current state.....🙌
One thing I've noticed as an extreme introvert and having kept many of my projects essentially secret is that it can get in the way of social relationships and become a problem. So you need to have something ready to say and/or some strategic response to offset the negativity associated with not fulfilling the overly inquisitive needs of others and their judgemental nature when you deon't give them very much access at all. There are consequences, and it took me a long time to get the balance right, developing my skills and strategically position myself. On another note, it you tell people about your ambitions or even just hint at it, the response may not be positive at all; people love to shoot others down and take your energy, which can certainly have negative effects that compound the problem and make it apparent the discretion is required. We have to realise how divorced the general public is from clinical best practice regarding the creation of judgement free zones in which to allow communication to occur; many people love judgment and live off it, so give them something to judge at your peril. Learn to identify the signs and raise red flags quickly 😉
I've noticed this about myself, I'd rather be out DOING things than sitting around with people talking about doing things. It really makes it hard to be in the moment. I'm always thinking I should be somewhere else, what am I doing AFTER this is over, what SHOULD I be doing right now instead of what I am doing?
Fascinating. This is a really interesting insight, and after initially going "yeah, I am definitely guilty of thinking about doing instead of doing" I also realized that when I finally escaped an abusive situation, I didn't really talk to anyone about it in depth, I just went "nope, that was over the line, I'm out"; the previous things that should have been sufficient catalysts were essentially defused by talking and venting. With trauma, that's fantastic, you weaken the pain. But pain is also a motivator, and sometimes you need that anger to propel you to do something good.
I like the "make sure you actually read your journal if it's about good stuff" bit too; ADHD makes this tricky, but I'm already externalizing so many mental functions (including writing notes to externalize now and reinternalize later) and now realize I should place higher priority on that. It's like someone flipped a switch and I get how this is supposed to work now.
I am an introvert, and when I see in the past, I see my self in a way better state when it comes to social life, and how I behave around people, the weird behave has gone, I am still not that good talker, but I am there, I see my progress, and iam happy with it, cause I was once way in the bottom, with the thoughts of I will never get out of this.
I can understand both perspectives on this topic. As someone who has both introverted and extroverted tendencies, I believe there's value in both internalizing and sharing our energy towards a goal. Each approach leads to different outcomes. Internalizing, as mentioned in the video, prevents language from replacing action and helps us maintain momentum and progress. On the other hand, selectively sharing goals with specific individuals can foster accountability and keep us on track. It's all about finding the right balance for each situation.
Thanks for this comment!
Exactly. This idea of ignoring the world and soloing isn't appropriate for all jobs in the world. Many jobs will require interaction with others. In these it's about a balance
As an extrovert, a lot of my motivation comes from the people i love around me as well as other external sources. If i ever became alone, I could never do anything for myself. I was severely depressed during covid because i felt like my life had no meaning.
Thank you Dr. K for the solid advice on internally cultivating motivation. It's really hard for me, but i hope it gets better.
I think that cultivating internal motivation can be good, but as we are extroverts, I'm not 100% sure that we get motivated by keeping things internally and not sharing with anyone. I struggle to accomplish tasks on my one when I'm alone and the only times where I successfully accomplished my goals was when I talked about it with colleagues and friends. So.. We don't work the same way introverts do in my opinion.
As an introvert, I'm genuinely not sure if that's an extrovert thing. If people know about your plans or are expecting things or are exercising alongside you at a gym, the pressure to perform well is just higher. Doesn't really matter if you're an extrovert or not. The problem with being an introvert is that if I do that, my social battery runs out and then I have to rest alone at home for like hours or even days sometimes just to feel normal again.
Makes me feel for extroverts. You won’t given that motivation us introverts have by default.
Thank you for this advice about how to retain motivation based on your experience from chanting mantras- it makes a lot of sense!
I work in quality assessment and I've noticed when I come across a case that just boggles my mind with how poorly it was handled I can calm myself down very quickly by giving a passionate lecture to my monitor about everything wrong with that case. I rarely even get through the whole explanation before I've burnt through all those emotions and gotten back to work. Never understood why this worked, but I think this video explains it very well.
While this correlation may or may not be true, it certainly feels true. It might even be that sharing our goals might not diminish our motivation to accomplish them, but simply bundles them up in externalities - others' reactions, the sudden pressure to accomplish it for fear of losing face because others will know your failure if you don't, etc. What's more important is that this correlation seems to be real and it is not something that can really be avoided - bosses want to hear ideas, family want to hear life plans, grants and explanations for future research ideas/projects have to be handed in to receive funding. What Dr. K said about learning to speak with intention is important, but we don't always have the luxury of choosing when and what to speak about - how do we deal with the fact that the world demands that we constantly offer up our ideas and plans in a never-ending competition for resources?
Fascinating! Suddenly I'm happy to be an introvert. Thank you for freeing me from the social pressure to become more 'open' :)
Yesterday, I watched an interview with Jerry Seinfeld and he talked about transcendental meditation which is basically chanting a mantra in your head for 20 minutes. What a coincidence that Dr. K talks about mantras in this video!
This is what I learned:
1. Whatever you talk about loses its power. According to Freud language substitutes action.
- when you talk about trauma or negativity to a therapist or someone you trust, it helps release those emotions from your mind and prevents them from controlling your life. I experienced this firsthand when I was deeply worried about my father's health but kept it to myself. The stress and helplessness caused me to cry almost every day. However, when a friend confronted me and I shared my concerns, the crying stopped, and I felt much better. While this example may not be a trauma per se, talking to someone about your worries can be incredibly helpful.
- discussing future goals or dreams with others can inadvertently drain the motivation needed to work towards them.
2. Internalizing vs. externalizing the positive:
- chanting a positive mantra in your head allows you to internalize its energy and benefit from it. It's important to keep the mantra to yourself to preserve its power. Another technique is to maintain a gratitude journal, which you can occasionally reread. Personally, I have a journal where I write about my daily wins, and it has worked wonders. Although I sometimes struggle to reread it, when I do, I witness the positive impact it has on my mindset.
- when you have a goal - shut the hell up. Avoid sharing it on social media or boasting about it to your friends. By doing so, you preserve the energy and motivation required to achieve that goal. If you need to involve others in your progress, be intentional and precise about what you want to achieve and how they can assist you.
I recall a time when I worked for a particular company where we had extensive daily meetings that would last for hours. We spent a significant portion of the day fantasizing and discussing what we were going to do, which left little time for actual work. Needless to say, our productivity suffered as a result.
As a fellow Hindu, I really like that you're not embarrassed by our religion like some modern Indian intellectuals.
i think so too. Dr K makes eastern philosophy/ religion look applicable and cool.
I think we (people from the east) should do more of that, to promote our wisdom
As a strong LDS Christian (aka, not Hindi), and like this about him too. Live and share your best self!
@@phasein5413 hindi is a language and hindus are from religion santani dharma
He backs it up with empirical data from studies, that's the difference, it's what helps differentiate him from the average mystic guru.
There are many things one can learn from Hinduism. I find it sad that not more people have joined, instead of other, more deviant ramblings.
I promise you, this guy is single handedly saving me from myself.
I think the pandemic revealed the other unfair advantage that introverts like me have: we can function just fine even where there aren't people around to hang out with. It's much harder for bad circumstances in life to damage you when many of the things you use to stabilize yourself and recharge your mental energy can be done without relying on other humans. It's not like I never get lonely, but I bet I can go a hell of a lot longer without social activity and still be fine than an extrovert could.
I enjoyed the pandemic so much! No pressure to socialize was literally like a breath of fresh air.
As someone who spent 3 years as a NEET before covid hit, I can tell you that the important parts aren't keeping things stuck inside you but keeping the positives in your thoughts because if you try to keep everything inside, you may start developing a habit of forgetting days/weeks/months at a time when every day starts blending together.
That's what makes having a schedule so important. What day do you do X and what day do you do Y so you can better stay in the moment.
The fact that I can relate to this is amazing. Talking about my goals DOES depleat my motivation to ACTUALLY do it
Man do i resonate with this a lot. I don’t really post on Social Media as Much and I talk about what i want to do and then i never do it. Of course I’ve had those talks of “so what’s next” I have to explain what i “want” to do but not actually doing it.
I keep myself busy with work but yet I don’t know where to start when it comes to a career yes i have interests but I gotta go through many things in order to figure but out.
If you’re an introvert like I and many others it’s best to keep to yourself your ambitions as long as you are keeping busy.
Our “Power” of talking diminishes our element of surprise and mindfulness.