This is exactly what I am dealing with RIGHT NOW WITH MY HUSBAND. It’s sad and sickening. My husband is married to his mom and I’m the mistress. The amount of pain that I endure is unmatched
Oh it’s not unmatched. My marriage has been like that too, for almost 12 years. I can’t wait until this monster leaves us alone. Good riddance! My husband is too terrified to draw a line in the sand.
Get out It doesn't get better. My ex husband is like this. Andbhis parents are still married. Mother and father enable each other abusing their children psychologically and emotionally. Its so sad. If you want a chance to be happy in this life and a partner that will actually respect and prioritise you let the enmeshed man go. Good luck
@@Foxie770 It will never change. He will never go against her and the longer you stay the more you will be treated like crap. By him and his mother/wife. He was raised to always prioritise her and to never even consider his own happiness and wellbeing. Get out
It's not about not wanting to let go the "special status" - it's about lacking the capacity to individuate. This is learned behaviour. This is how the enmeshed child remains trapped inside the dysfunctional system that has disabled them in a thousand invisible ways.
You basically described my ex husband and that is why we are divorced I refused to be the mistress in my marriage. Nope. He began to punish me for the things his parents have done to him. He even began to value his family member's opinions more than mine. All I wanted was for him to see that he is worthy. That he can be his own person and that he can have his own voice and live his life with boundaries and autonomy. They are threatened by my sense of self, that they couldn't control me and that I cannot be manipulated. He ultimately chose his dysfunctional family. I just wanted my husband to be my husband. Instead I got an abusive man child who even thought that he could abuse our children and I into submission. Its Sad how he was willing to abuse and abandon our children and I just to get validation from his family. We are better off. He will never be happy
This is exhausting. My ex behaved like they were secret lovers! Always phone calls in secret, making plans in secret, ive been excluded on their vacations, and they would take my kids with them! It is so digusting. I have so many pictures of them as though they were the couple. Its totally gross and he denies this relationship with his mother. I was their scapegoat. Make no mistake they both enjoyed abusing me, together. Ladies, just run, do not try to fix it, once you tell them they are broken, they will viciously turn on you and involve youre kids to do it as well. These people came straight from hell. Is that dramatic? Yes. But its definately true.
I went no contact after my father’s passing last year, which is when I finally woke up to toxic family dynamics and let in the truth that we had a horrible upbringing despite looking perfect and living comfortably. I am finally free and finally living a life of integrity and of my choosing.
This is very similar to my experience with my mother. Now that my father is gone, her ability to demonstrate mature coping and reasoning skills is baffling. She was acting the part the whole time to get what she wanted.
My brother loves the role of The Rational One. Ie, he always backs them up that I'm crazy. So the scene is set. Any attempt to challenge a distorted narrative that serves my mother at my expense, it's like, there you go again being crazy and the judge and the jury all view you as crazy.
Every member of my family is "married" to mom. They have to be, to be allowed to remain in the family, Im the shamed, blamed, smeared, excluded scapegoat. All i ever did was try to communicate something important to my mother/parents. My dad just shamed me for hurting mum with my grudge. My brother was angry with me for upsetting the parents. Nobody every cares if im hurt/unheard/blamed. My brother is a huge mummy's boy. Im the crazy one but really the only one who is their own sane (but hurt) person. I feel the hurt though. I don't project it on to other people and certainly not my children.
I really appreciate the mention of the crossover between enmeshment and narcissism. A few months before we got married, my fiancé told me that his psychiatrist told him that he and his mother are enmeshed and that she is a narcissist. At the time, I did not understand these terms, but after we married my world was turned upside down as the triangulation and manipulation ramped up. I could not live under those conditions and left after two years. People don’t know how destructive these behaviours are.
I endured my MIL’s triangulation and fixation on destroying me for 6 years. It finally came to a head when she sued me for eviction in court, my lawyer wrote an incredibly nasty (and true) response. She backed off so fast, because she knew if she pushed the issue I’d air all her dirty lies in court, on the record. Bullies need to be put in their place. She has minded her place ever since aptly husband is still her go-boy.
That's what I did. He had ED from day 1. Two years of being bullied by ny ex bf and his parents. She was so toxic that I could not stand it anymore. He was so frustrated that he took it out on me. He became increasingly angry with me. It was an unbearable situation.
I feel like that at this point. I am totally enmeshed with my mother. This culture isolates you and keeps you from engaging fully in life. Setting boundaries is foreign to me and I have a hard time with our families.
It's really hard when you set boundaries and they completely disregard every one of them... Common sense.... Stop being invasive in your adult children's lives.. 😮. Yeah.. that is what common sense is... Using your own brain and your feelings to guide your own life and make your own choices..
My mom and me had an enmeshed relationship. I did not want that. It took me 20 years to stop it and I did have to stop talking to her but so much damage was already done. My mom is gone now and I think I will be healing for the rest of my life
As the wife of a man who is enmeshed with mom, the only way I could manage my own sense of sanity and feel safe was to develop myself. I have individuated over the years and none of what my husband does bothers me. He doesn't like my style of operating which is very different from his mother but I have managed to keep my self from losing my mind. I have as a result been able to maintain the necessary boundaries with my own son. For any woman who is out there feeling like the "mistress" the only way is to self-develop into your own so the cycle of BS can stop.
These mothers are SICK and that's the Truth. They're Child Abusers. The sons don't want to leave mommy, because they have been groomed and seduced by her their whole lives and are immature, because they've been kept arrested developmentally, so they'll never leave her, and don't really know what's being done to them - the profound affects of it. It really is Flat Out Child Abuse.
I feel like my ex really wanted to be WITH her after watching his mother be beyond promiscuios through out his life, and he is waiting for his turn but he's been friend zoned and he is ANGRY about it. I only just figured this out. But it was me he took that frustration out on. He consumed a lot of Mommy massage porn while at work. My whole life with him was a lie. I feel like he used me to make her jealous. Its totally a betrayal.
Same here. I actually asked him once and I meant it. "Have you ever had sex with your mother?" Like I really thought they had. They are severely emotionally enmeshed and it's incestuous on a whole other level. I truly believe that they view each other in a more than mother child, son mother relationship
Wish my husband would be interested in this. He’s. Not he’s threatened by this. Married 26 years together 29. I’m worn out. I’m in grief right now. He doesn’t get it. He’s a good friend and I’ll always love him. I’m grieving my own family too.
When there’s a disagreement, when I need to say YES or when I need to say NO, when I need to state my needs, and ask for them to be met... When I need to create boundaries... There's a possibility and a probability, that someone will inevitably, most likely, be disappointed in me... So I engage in every encounter, interaction, and relationship... In a way that ensures, that the person disappointed in me... NEVER ends up being me! I aim to never repress, never suppress. I aim to never lose a part of myself. Radical honesty only: 100% of the time. Always, all ways.
Great content & the entrenched amounts of lies & deceptive tactics of the enmeshed family cult is mind blowing, my husband’s family is a narcissistic enmeshed cult & over 2 years ago the head cult leader aka “mommy” passed away & it’s been a really interesting show of events 🍿🍿🍿 as the golden child of this enmeshed family has lost his crown, the flying monkey sisters no longer have the impact they once had because mom is dead & they can’t manipulate under the guise of using the guilt of hurting mommy if you don’t go along with the cult theme. I consider myself blessed to have the opportunity to educate myself on this topic to be able to advance away from the enmeshed family dysfunction & not allow these toxic people to regain traction in our lives.
Good for you! My Mil is 85 and lives next door with Sister in law. My husband is expected to be there Goff these enmeshed women who have nearly destroyed our lives. Hoping she’ll be gone soon ( not wishing death, but needing our life back. He’s afraid of sisters tantrums if he says no to her, so I hope to god she doesn’t guilt him into being her husband since she claim she “took care of mom” when she’s sick mentally I’ll and those two control him. He’s much better now and wants us to get some space, but it’s gonna still be hard for us. Wish me luck! 😂
At 60 my soul screamed and at that time I knew I needed to make changes from family enmeshment and narcissism. I moved to another state and had minimal contact. It was the hardest first year I’ve ever gone through carrying guilt, shame. How my family handled my changes was the greatest learning. I see them when it’s necessary but I’m living my best life and feel like the most authentic self. I hope I’ve broken the family ancestral cycle and my daughter won’t have to learn my lessons in life.
Enmeshed with my mother. And I have to help and I have to be my own person too. I haven't lived my life for so long. I go through this everyday. with my mother,. I love her to death but I gave up my life for this. She is 86 and I am 60. and I put my needs aside. fro this. I feel resentment and anger and I don't want to live like this. I am burned out.
If you are married to a MEM, it is possible for them to emancipate themselves and be yours. However, it is extremely difficult and involves a ton of therapy for both of you. I was able to do this and it saved my marriage and my life!
This is what I'm going thru. My mother in law is not happy in her marriage of 30 years and she wants my husband to fill her loneliness and my husband even tells me his mom will never leave him so she's first in his life and me sec. I had enough and told him that things needed to change and he asked for a divorce. So I will definitely give him just that. I'm so done with his narcissist mother and her narcissist son.
My boyfriend is enmeshed with his family. His mother isn't letting him move out (he is 24) His family doesn't have much social contact with others and so no one can tell them what they are doing is wrong. They are like a cult honestly. My boyfriend wants to change and wants to run away but I am so tired. How long do I have to wait?
When you talked about the siblings it perfectly described my in laws and sister in law. When my father in law got sick, my partners sister called us to say the parents have to live with us. No one asked us if that was okay, we were just told. It was the worst feeling
My God my life has been hard because of this and most phycologist don’t even have understanding of this. I was at least blessed with one who explained it to me in my early twenties. She explained how difficult how it was to break it and that it can take a long time. She moved to California so I just had to do it on my own
I am the only friend of a terminally enmeshed man in a full spousal union with his mother. She is older and unhealthy, and they refuse to consider how he will function without his reason to live. How does a severely enmeshed person deal with the Mother dying???
This is mind blowing!! 🤯🤯. This is totally descriptive of my ex’s family!! Explains so many of the problems I had with her over our 22yr relationship!! Thank you for these informative videos!!!
My dad died a little more than a year ago, and it was interesting to watch my manipulative, sick mother go to work weaponizing everyone she could-the pastor, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.-to keep me in line and enmeshed in the system.
What about siblings? When one has taken care of all the siblings and now the siblings dont have boundaries , they siblings (adults) still see the big sister as the one that has to take care of them and have zero boundaries and sabotage big sister relationships so she can be and pay attention to only them ( siblings ) eventhough they all adults
Is there a video on an enmeshment with a mother daughter scenarios. Trying to figure out if this is what im looking at. My mother has controlled me my whole life and when my dad died when i was younger it went out of control, over and over she'd say she didn't want to be alone, yet she has relegated me to that fate because she never bothered to find herself a new man to be with. I've tried to leave multiple times and am in my 40's now and still stuck by the guilt trips and manipulation even family members getting involved to keep me with her to care for her, they don't want to do it. I just i dont know if this is what im dealing with. I just know when my mother was in hospital for 7 days recently and I had a break from her whirlwind of drama and you gotta do this or that at all hours. Well it was nice to sleep thru the night and wake up without being yelled at and startled awake to fix her problems day and night. I felt my head clearing out where i wasn't so confused or on edge walking on eggshells, i feel it slipping away again and I want that peace back i temporarily had. But those family members who pointed out the difference when she was gone they fell back in line and i feel like a prisoner again. Just exhausted and awaiting her next order. She never let me date, she never let me have friends. She'd loose her mind to know when she was in the hospital i went to a dance hall, I'd never been before and really didn't do anything as i felt a bit awkward new to this and all. But i had fun, i don't think anyone would say i was dancing as im not sure what that was but a ignorant try not bad for first go. But i saw it on a tv commercial and i went and actually had a little fun when I got past the nervousness. I don't know just trying to figure out what this is other than just telling myself that its not right. Sorry if i rambled a bit much, my mother hates that too. But i wanted to be clear so if it sounds like it maybe I can find out.
I find that highly interesting. I went into my own career path by my own wants. I took my chilhood passion into s career As opposed to my other sibling did it out of rebellion.
My husband is married to his sister and excludes me from everything they do. Would these books help me, or is it just for men who have issues with their mothers?
How do caregiving needs impact the viability of an empowered role? It seems to necessitate such a role in many cases. Does this in fact change that dynamic? What helps shape the criteria for determining what roles are ok versus not ok to maintain?
My daughter 22 dated a guy for just under 2 years, they just broke up. He was so enmeshed with his mother who we believe was narcissistic. He was 24, had to say where he was going, how long he was going for, and who he was going out with when hed leave home (he lived with step dad and mom), she would call her son many many times while he was out, sonetimes shed call to say its kate and he needs to come home. She'd demand he drive them someplace and demand she would get the front seat of her sons car, if my daughter wanted to drive separate, she would throw a hissy fit on her son. She'd demand that they not sit together on a sofa, or show any affection in their home, kiss etc., She'd try to control what they watched, their privacy alobe, disrupting them constantly, even though they were alone not doing anything risqué. He was a nice guy, but wouldnt take any initiative to set any boundaries with his mom, She'd steamroll everything. My daughter also witness where she was verbally degrading, almost treating him like a dog, or demanding. Fortunately i never had to meet her, because i would have lost it.
Is there any way to get the mother to break or ever realize her enmeshment with her son? The woman (62) am referring to is no doult deerply in-love with her son (36).
In all cultures this happens to less degree here in America as we allow independence of children, but more commonly seen in far east, Middle East etc.. as kids are given too much power in a family and later sadly this is used in these cultures, as child gets parentified ( parent-i-fied) and acts as the surrogate husband or wife. The person needs to have sone clear boundaries and respectful in their own individual roles. Also that parentified adult child needs to stand by his wife or husband, as these parents will not like any partner for their adult child.
I would say yes, I don't view myself as narcissistic yet it's very apparent when my mom lacks accountability and starts a emotional blame game. I start playing her own game against her and I hate the rage that builds up. Definitely chill and humble with guys but I hate women judging me with lies so I get titled
I learned about enmeshment which is why I chose to be so gracious about it plus his ex wife tried to hold him accountable for his cheating and the unhealthy relationship with his mom and they both ganged up on her
"Special status" gives that kid so much..finances, possessions, exhaulted position, and the demanded loyalty is met with swift and high level punishment and verbal abuse/even hitting. Sexual overtones in conversations, etc are god-awful gross, as are the physical touch that occurs that is 100% inappropriate. So sick.
How would you consider the account of Ruth and Naomi, were they enmeshed. As a child my parents divorce wen I was 5, I had PTSD from what I went thru. Wen I was growing up, I wanted to be the best parent to my 2, sons, I never wanted my children feel what I felt, I wanted to be there for them, I raised the kindest son, he watch me help people who were not related to me, example my buddy died giving birth to her second child. We were always helping them looking after them as children, we were always helping older people in the neighbourhood, who needed help. I have never been sexually attractive to my children, my sons are a gift from God. I have never been jealous of my sons having girl friends, I wanted my sons to grow and have good wholesome relationships. Witch parent does not want their children to be happy and healthy. And I have friends who are phycologist who speak to their children every day, I told them What you say is unhealthy, they do not agree. My aunt was a psychiatrist who had a mother who never remarried after my grandpa died, my dad was 11, when he died, she never wanted her children to have a step parent who could hurt them, she worked her bud off to look after her 3, kids, she gave all of them an education, her first born became a layer, my dad an electric injgeneerr, my aunt a psychiatrist, my uncle left home when he got married, my grandma had a lovely apartment so wen my aunt got married moved in with her husband to my grandmas apartment, my grandma stayed with her until her 3, children became teen agers, she cooked and clean and looked after the kids, both my uncle and aunt were professors in university, and wen their kids no longer needed my grandmas assistance they put my grandma on the street. My grandma was the kindest most selfless Person I had meet up to then. I could not understand her unloving inhuman behaviour, the family unit has decade, and some families are probably not living healthy lives, but to say that a son by speaking to his mother more than once a week is unhealthy, makes me think what is this teaching gong to do to future generations. I was very close to my son, and I am glad I was there for him though out my life, and I do not regret loving and caring for my children, I will always be there for them, a true parent will always be there for their children. I am very hurt that you can make a lovely relationship look sick or dirty. I was never jealous of my sons relationships, when my older boy would break up with his girl friends I would grief, I learn to love all of them, I often think of them, and I miss them. My second child always look for girls that were pretty but immature so he never stayed long with them, but it had nothing to do with me. I always wanted him to be the best that he could be, I always wanted him to have a family, a wife that would love him and care for him, but I also wanted to gain a doughter. Instead I have a son who tells me I can never go knock on his door or call him, because Operantly were were in an enmeshed relationship. My children were the most important part of my life, now I can only receive a phone call if I am lucky ones a week, I can’t go ever stop by, he will have a babie in Teo months and I won’t be able to go visit much, because I am an abusive parent, all the people that know me know I am nothing like what you call enmeshed, I own my own businesses I looked after my family I do volunteer work, I am busy, and now I have to deal with this horrible accusations that are false and unkind. I looked after my grandma until she died, I wished I could have done more for her, I called my dad almost every day until he died, I loved having conversations with him, he was also one of my best friends, my dad was a proper kind human being. Please help people, but do not make them feel guilty about being close to a parent, we are living in a time in life we’re kids get bully and hurt, parents need to be there to guide and help their children, encourage family therapy, help families not destroy it, when families break society also colapses.
You need to understand that the parents dont set out to ruin their children's lives, but they end up ruining their marriages. The doctors are talking about a very unhealthy dynamic that ruins their lives. They're not referencing normal relationships. My ex mother in Las was like a co-wife. It was a threesome.
@@Meya-w7h agree. One has to experience what the doctors are saying to actually understand the impact of an unhealthy, dysfunctional family dynamic on marriages. I've been there long enough,and I know what Dr Ken Adams is saying
It sounds like you lack self awareness. Most enmeshed mothers aren't even aware that they are enmeshed. There's likely a reason that your kids pushed you away. If you are so sure that you are right, go see a therapist. The truth will soon be revealed to you, if you have the guts to do your inner work.
Your post shares a lot of your experience as a parent. And it's very similar to lots of parents. We have kids....then develop selflessness to fulfill our responsibilities towards them. Our love for them helps us to grow. What I may perceives as me giving them a happy childhood, may, from their perspective be absolutely terrible. And they are allowed to have that perspective because they lived it.
I find this idea of "collectivist" Asian cultures to be weird and incorrect. There is not one 'Asian" culture to start with. And the Chinese do not sacrifice or even really orientate themselves to the "collective'. They look after themselves and immediate family in a very localised, self-centred way. And CONFORM to the wider culture to keep from being sacrificed to the collective. Which happens - and better its not me and my family.
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This is exactly what I am dealing with RIGHT NOW WITH MY HUSBAND. It’s sad and sickening. My husband is married to his mom and I’m the mistress. The amount of pain that I endure is unmatched
Completely understand
Oh it’s not unmatched. My marriage has been like that too, for almost 12 years. I can’t wait until this monster leaves us alone. Good riddance! My husband is too terrified to draw a line in the sand.
Get out
It doesn't get better. My ex husband is like this. Andbhis parents are still married. Mother and father enable each other abusing their children psychologically and emotionally. Its so sad. If you want a chance to be happy in this life and a partner that will actually respect and prioritise you let the enmeshed man go. Good luck
@@Foxie770 It will never change. He will never go against her and the longer you stay the more you will be treated like crap. By him and his mother/wife. He was raised to always prioritise her and to never even consider his own happiness and wellbeing. Get out
It truly is. Having a mother in law as the other woman crosses all the boundaries. It’s so hard.
It's not about not wanting to let go the "special status" - it's about lacking the capacity to individuate. This is learned behaviour. This is how the enmeshed child remains trapped inside the dysfunctional system that has disabled them in a thousand invisible ways.
You basically described my ex husband and that is why we are divorced I refused to be the mistress in my marriage. Nope. He began to punish me for the things his parents have done to him. He even began to value his family member's opinions more than mine. All I wanted was for him to see that he is worthy. That he can be his own person and that he can have his own voice and live his life with boundaries and autonomy. They are threatened by my sense of self, that they couldn't control me and that I cannot be manipulated. He ultimately chose his dysfunctional family. I just wanted my husband to be my husband. Instead I got an abusive man child who even thought that he could abuse our children and I into submission. Its Sad how he was willing to abuse and abandon our children and I just to get validation from his family. We are better off. He will never be happy
This is exhausting. My ex behaved like they were secret lovers! Always phone calls in secret, making plans in secret, ive been excluded on their vacations, and they would take my kids with them! It is so digusting. I have so many pictures of them as though they were the couple. Its totally gross and he denies this relationship with his mother. I was their scapegoat. Make no mistake they both enjoyed abusing me, together. Ladies, just run, do not try to fix it, once you tell them they are broken, they will viciously turn on you and involve youre kids to do it as well. These people came straight from hell. Is that dramatic? Yes. But its definately true.
Yep!!! Same!!!
I went no contact after my father’s passing last year, which is when I finally woke up to toxic family dynamics and let in the truth that we had a horrible upbringing despite looking perfect and living comfortably. I am finally free and finally living a life of integrity and of my choosing.
I'm happy for you
Same here, happy for you
This is very similar to my experience with my mother. Now that my father is gone, her ability to demonstrate mature coping and reasoning skills is baffling. She was acting the part the whole time to get what she wanted.
Congratulations I’m working on the same now
Just brilliant and so true. Particularly the comment that the enmeshed golden boy *might* not actually want to disentangle themselves
So glad you appreciated the conversation, Maria!
This was me and I was conditioned
Makes perfect sense. Blew my mind.
My brother loves the role of The Rational One. Ie, he always backs them up that I'm crazy. So the scene is set. Any attempt to challenge a distorted narrative that serves my mother at my expense, it's like, there you go again being crazy and the judge and the jury all view you as crazy.
I do but I’m afraid of the potential guilt I feel. I’m spineless! 😥
"Mum's sad so you need to collapse in to her distorted narrative"
Every member of my family is "married" to mom. They have to be, to be allowed to remain in the family, Im the shamed, blamed, smeared, excluded scapegoat. All i ever did was try to communicate something important to my mother/parents. My dad just shamed me for hurting mum with my grudge. My brother was angry with me for upsetting the parents. Nobody every cares if im hurt/unheard/blamed. My brother is a huge mummy's boy. Im the crazy one but really the only one who is their own sane (but hurt) person. I feel the hurt though. I don't project it on to other people and certainly not my children.
I Love you Sister.
I really appreciate the mention of the crossover between enmeshment and narcissism.
A few months before we got married, my fiancé told me that his psychiatrist told him that he and his mother are enmeshed and that she is a narcissist. At the time, I did not understand these terms, but after we married my world was turned upside down as the triangulation and manipulation ramped up.
I could not live under those conditions and left after two years. People don’t know how destructive these behaviours are.
100000000%
Hi! I’m sorry to know that, but glad that you got out. Did he not do anything to improve the dynamic, despite being enlightened by a professional?
I endured my MIL’s triangulation and fixation on destroying me for 6 years. It finally came to a head when she sued me for eviction in court, my lawyer wrote an incredibly nasty (and true) response. She backed off so fast, because she knew if she pushed the issue I’d air all her dirty lies in court, on the record. Bullies need to be put in their place. She has minded her place ever since aptly husband is still her go-boy.
My ex is also a covert narcissist. He is mommy, mommy is him. They are literally one entity split into two bodies.
good for you!
Don’t wait. Trust your gut and move on.
That's what I did. He had ED from day 1. Two years of being bullied by ny ex bf and his parents. She was so toxic that I could not stand it anymore. He was so frustrated that he took it out on me. He became increasingly angry with me. It was an unbearable situation.
I feel like that at this point. I am totally enmeshed with my mother. This culture isolates you and keeps you from engaging fully in life. Setting boundaries is foreign to me and I have a hard time with our families.
It's really hard when you set boundaries and they completely disregard every one of them... Common sense.... Stop being invasive in your adult children's lives.. 😮. Yeah.. that is what common sense is... Using your own brain and your feelings to guide your own life and make your own choices..
My mom and me had an enmeshed relationship. I did not want that. It took me 20 years to stop it and I did have to stop talking to her but so much damage was already done. My mom is gone now and I think I will be healing for the rest of my life
💕
As the wife of a man who is enmeshed with mom, the only way I could manage my own sense of sanity and feel safe was to develop myself. I have individuated over the years and none of what my husband does bothers me. He doesn't like my style of operating which is very different from his mother but I have managed to keep my self from losing my mind. I have as a result been able to maintain the necessary boundaries with my own son. For any woman who is out there feeling like the "mistress" the only way is to self-develop into your own so the cycle of BS can stop.
My now ex has an almost incestuous relationship with his mom. I had no chance.
These mothers are SICK and that's the Truth. They're Child Abusers. The sons don't want to leave mommy, because they have been groomed and seduced by her their whole lives and are immature, because they've been kept arrested developmentally, so they'll never leave her, and don't really know what's being done to them - the profound affects of it. It really is Flat Out Child Abuse.
I feel like my ex really wanted to be WITH her after watching his mother be beyond promiscuios through out his life, and he is waiting for his turn but he's been friend zoned and he is ANGRY about it. I only just figured this out. But it was me he took that frustration out on. He consumed a lot of Mommy massage porn while at work.
My whole life with him was a lie. I feel like he used me to make her jealous. Its totally a betrayal.
Same here. I actually asked him once and I meant it. "Have you ever had sex with your mother?" Like I really thought they had. They are severely emotionally enmeshed and it's incestuous on a whole other level. I truly believe that they view each other in a more than mother child, son mother relationship
@@mimi42428
Yuck
Wish my husband would be interested in this. He’s. Not he’s threatened by this. Married 26 years together 29. I’m worn out. I’m in grief right now. He doesn’t get it. He’s a good friend and I’ll always love him. I’m grieving my own family too.
I think you stole my words except its 33 years in. Sober from porn 2 years, but totally loyal to mom.
good point that it can be the golden boy holding on
When there’s a disagreement,
when I need to say YES
or when I need to say NO,
when I need to state my needs,
and ask for them to be met...
When I need to create boundaries...
There's a possibility and a probability,
that someone will inevitably,
most likely,
be disappointed in me...
So I engage in every encounter,
interaction, and relationship...
In a way that ensures,
that the person disappointed in me...
NEVER
ends up being me!
I aim to never repress,
never suppress.
I aim to never lose a part of myself.
Radical honesty only:
100% of the time.
Always,
all ways.
Enmeshed kids are limited to their potential because they dont want to branch past mom
Or dad
Then the parent dies and they go psychotic
😮whhhoooow@@catalinafirefly4685
@@catalinafirefly4685I’m really scared… you’re describing my life in the near future…
Great content & the entrenched amounts of lies & deceptive tactics of the enmeshed family cult is mind blowing, my husband’s family is a narcissistic enmeshed cult & over 2 years ago the head cult leader aka “mommy” passed away & it’s been a really interesting show of events 🍿🍿🍿 as the golden child of this enmeshed family has lost his crown, the flying monkey sisters no longer have the impact they once had because mom is dead & they can’t manipulate under the guise of using the guilt of hurting mommy if you don’t go along with the cult theme. I consider myself blessed to have the opportunity to educate myself on this topic to be able to advance away from the enmeshed family dysfunction & not allow these toxic people to regain traction in our lives.
Good for you! My
Mil is 85 and lives next door with
Sister in law. My husband is expected to be there Goff these enmeshed women who have nearly destroyed our lives. Hoping she’ll be gone soon ( not wishing death, but needing our life back. He’s afraid of sisters tantrums if he says no to her, so I hope to god she doesn’t guilt him into being her husband since she claim she “took care of mom” when she’s sick mentally I’ll and those two control him. He’s much better now and wants us to get some space, but it’s gonna still be hard for us. Wish me luck! 😂
At 60 my soul screamed and at that time I knew I needed to make changes from family enmeshment and narcissism. I moved to another state and had minimal contact. It was the hardest first year I’ve ever gone through carrying guilt, shame. How my family handled my changes was the greatest learning. I see them when it’s necessary but I’m living my best life and feel like the most authentic self. I hope I’ve broken the family ancestral cycle and my daughter won’t have to learn my lessons in life.
Enmeshed with my mother. And I have to help and I have to be my own person too. I haven't lived my life for so long. I go through this everyday. with my mother,. I love her to death but I gave up my life for this. She is 86 and I am 60. and I put my needs aside. fro this. I feel resentment and anger and I don't want to live like this. I am burned out.
I am going through this now and trying to get out. I'm engaged to the golden son. God help me 🙏
Does not mean you have to get out unless he doesn't see it and won't support you. He just may need education
I hope you got out. Nightmare!
If you don’t have kids… RUN
I wish I understood about family enmeshment years ago. This would have been VERY helpful in my family dyanmic.
I was super kind to his mom but she villainized me anyway. I never tried to keep him from his mom
If you are married to a MEM, it is possible for them to emancipate themselves and be yours. However, it is extremely difficult and involves a ton of therapy for both of you. I was able to do this and it saved my marriage and my life!
This is what I'm going thru. My mother in law is not happy in her marriage of 30 years and she wants my husband to fill her loneliness and my husband even tells me his mom will never leave him so she's first in his life and me sec. I had enough and told him that things needed to change and he asked for a divorce. So I will definitely give him just that. I'm so done with his narcissist mother and her narcissist son.
My boyfriend is enmeshed with his family. His mother isn't letting him move out (he is 24) His family doesn't have much social contact with others and so no one can tell them what they are doing is wrong. They are like a cult honestly. My boyfriend wants to change and wants to run away but I am so tired. How long do I have to wait?
Does your boyfriend avoid socializing, exercising, being outdoors? He's really young for being in recovery and might show symptoms like that
So glad to be free 🙏
When you talked about the siblings it perfectly described my in laws and sister in law. When my father in law got sick, my partners sister called us to say the parents have to live with us. No one asked us if that was okay, we were just told. It was the worst feeling
partner? Your business partner is that involved? Bizarre
Yes, obligatory love is guilty in my family. Wow I'm the 10th of 11 and man it's toxic.😮
My God my life has been hard because of this and most phycologist don’t even have understanding of this. I was at least blessed with one who explained it to me in my early twenties. She explained how difficult how it was to break it and that it can take a long time. She moved to California so I just had to do it on my own
I am the only friend of a terminally enmeshed man in a full spousal union with his mother. She is older and unhealthy, and they refuse to consider how he will function without his reason to live.
How does a severely enmeshed person deal with the Mother dying???
This is mind blowing!! 🤯🤯. This is totally descriptive of my ex’s family!! Explains so many of the problems I had with her over our 22yr relationship!! Thank you for these informative videos!!!
Same here
Do you have any tips when moving on
Dr Adams
I can NOT thank you enough for helping me obtain clarity .
I'm still trying to get my man to come back around.
Again thank you so
Wonderful!
My dad died a little more than a year ago, and it was interesting to watch my manipulative, sick mother go to work weaponizing everyone she could-the pastor, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.-to keep me in line and enmeshed in the system.
Our relationship ended horribly with him threatening to kill me. His mom just passed away and I’m super afraid he will come back
Genuinely do not want to be golden girl... But still so grateful for your work.
Luke 14:25-27 The Cost of Being a Disciple. Thank you thank you
Enmeshment examples so helpful! Thank you.
STAND UP FOR YOUR SPOUSE PERIOD! 🙌🏾💪🏽💯keep your parents outta your stuff ! Be tough
What about siblings? When one has taken care of all the siblings and now the siblings dont have boundaries , they siblings (adults) still see the big sister as the one that has to take care of them and have zero boundaries and sabotage big sister relationships so she can be and pay attention to only them ( siblings ) eventhough they all adults
Yup also a real thing and other professionals who speak on the topic said it can happen just the same
My ex would become abusive with me after he spent time with his mom
Me too.
Fascinating
Is there a video on an enmeshment with a mother daughter scenarios. Trying to figure out if this is what im looking at. My mother has controlled me my whole life and when my dad died when i was younger it went out of control, over and over she'd say she didn't want to be alone, yet she has relegated me to that fate because she never bothered to find herself a new man to be with. I've tried to leave multiple times and am in my 40's now and still stuck by the guilt trips and manipulation even family members getting involved to keep me with her to care for her, they don't want to do it. I just i dont know if this is what im dealing with. I just know when my mother was in hospital for 7 days recently and I had a break from her whirlwind of drama and you gotta do this or that at all hours. Well it was nice to sleep thru the night and wake up without being yelled at and startled awake to fix her problems day and night. I felt my head clearing out where i wasn't so confused or on edge walking on eggshells, i feel it slipping away again and I want that peace back i temporarily had. But those family members who pointed out the difference when she was gone they fell back in line and i feel like a prisoner again. Just exhausted and awaiting her next order. She never let me date, she never let me have friends. She'd loose her mind to know when she was in the hospital i went to a dance hall, I'd never been before and really didn't do anything as i felt a bit awkward new to this and all. But i had fun, i don't think anyone would say i was dancing as im not sure what that was but a ignorant try not bad for first go. But i saw it on a tv commercial and i went and actually had a little fun when I got past the nervousness. I don't know just trying to figure out what this is other than just telling myself that its not right. Sorry if i rambled a bit much, my mother hates that too. But i wanted to be clear so if it sounds like it maybe I can find out.
Coming back to listen this was my ex and his family
I find that highly interesting. I went into my own career path by my own wants. I took my chilhood passion into s career
As opposed to my other sibling did it out of rebellion.
I also had emeshment with my mom and I broke it finally so I thought I was being understand but it didn’t work
My husband is married to his sister and excludes me from everything they do. Would these books help me, or is it just for men who have issues with their mothers?
Everyone looks alike!
How do caregiving needs impact the viability of an empowered role? It seems to necessitate such a role in many cases. Does this in fact change that dynamic? What helps shape the criteria for determining what roles are ok versus not ok to maintain?
My daughter 22 dated a guy for just under 2 years, they just broke up. He was so enmeshed with his mother who we believe was narcissistic. He was 24, had to say where he was going, how long he was going for, and who he was going out with when hed leave home (he lived with step dad and mom), she would call her son many many times while he was out, sonetimes shed call to say its kate and he needs to come home. She'd demand he drive them someplace and demand she would get the front seat of her sons car, if my daughter wanted to drive separate, she would throw a hissy fit on her son. She'd demand that they not sit together on a sofa, or show any affection in their home, kiss etc., She'd try to control what they watched, their privacy alobe, disrupting them constantly, even though they were alone not doing anything risqué. He was a nice guy, but wouldnt take any initiative to set any boundaries with his mom, She'd steamroll everything. My daughter also witness where she was verbally degrading, almost treating him like a dog, or demanding. Fortunately i never had to meet her, because i would have lost it.
Is there any way to get the mother to break or ever realize her enmeshment with her son? The woman (62) am referring to is no doult deerply in-love with her son (36).
Nope. She is broken and does not wish to heal. The man has to break it off, only he can set himself free.
I never policed him but somehow I always found out
The lies are so easy to see through.
In all cultures this happens to less degree here in America as we allow independence of children, but more commonly seen in far east, Middle East etc.. as kids are given too much power in a family and later sadly this is used in these cultures, as child gets parentified ( parent-i-fied) and acts as the surrogate husband or wife.
The person needs to have sone clear boundaries and respectful in their own individual roles. Also that parentified adult child needs to stand by his wife or husband, as these parents will not like any partner for their adult child.
this describes my life to a T
Can mother son emeshment cause the man to be a narcissist
I would say yes, I don't view myself as narcissistic yet it's very apparent when my mom lacks accountability and starts a emotional blame game. I start playing her own game against her and I hate the rage that builds up. Definitely chill and humble with guys but I hate women judging me with lies so I get titled
I learned about enmeshment which is why I chose to be so gracious about it plus his ex wife tried to hold him accountable for his cheating and the unhealthy relationship with his mom and they both ganged up on her
Or, agents of Mom... like a sister.
Yessssss
Genesis 2:24- Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
Maybe I never broke it because I never felt at ease with her. She used the honoring scripture a lot
My brother was super enmeshed with mom. After her death, he became a full fledged narcissist.
It really was like he was married to his mom pluse he was always cheating
the volume
👍
His mom justified his cheating and abuse
"Special status" gives that kid so much..finances, possessions, exhaulted position, and the demanded loyalty is met with swift and high level punishment and verbal abuse/even hitting. Sexual overtones in conversations, etc are god-awful gross, as are the physical touch that occurs that is 100% inappropriate. So sick.
🎉🎉🎉
Lol yeah my husband will never divorce his mother therefore I'm divorcing him
42:26
Stay single run from all your family Problems solved
How would you consider the account of Ruth and Naomi, were they enmeshed.
As a child my parents divorce wen I was 5, I had PTSD from what I went thru.
Wen I was growing up, I wanted to be the best parent to my 2, sons, I never wanted my children feel what I felt, I wanted to be there for them, I raised the kindest son, he watch me help people who were not related to me, example my buddy died giving birth to her second child.
We were always helping them looking after them as children, we were always helping older people in the neighbourhood, who needed help.
I have never been sexually attractive to my children, my sons are a gift from God.
I have never been jealous of my sons having girl friends, I wanted my sons to grow and have good wholesome relationships.
Witch parent does not want their children to be happy and healthy.
And I have friends who are phycologist who speak to their children every day, I told them What you say is unhealthy, they do not agree.
My aunt was a psychiatrist who had a mother who never remarried after my grandpa died, my dad was 11, when he died, she never wanted her children to have a step parent who could hurt them, she worked her bud off to look after her 3, kids, she gave all of them an education, her first born became a layer, my dad an electric injgeneerr, my aunt a psychiatrist, my uncle left home when he got married, my grandma had a lovely apartment so wen my aunt got married moved in with her husband to my grandmas apartment, my grandma stayed with her until her 3, children became teen agers, she cooked and clean and looked after the kids, both my uncle and aunt were professors in university, and wen their kids no longer needed my grandmas assistance they put my grandma on the street.
My grandma was the kindest most selfless Person I had meet up to then.
I could not understand her unloving inhuman behaviour, the family unit has decade, and some families are probably not living healthy lives, but to say that a son by speaking to his mother more than once a week is unhealthy, makes me think what is this teaching gong to do to future generations.
I was very close to my son, and I am glad I was there for him though out my life, and I do not regret loving and caring for my children, I will always be there for them, a true parent will always be there for their children.
I am very hurt that you can make a lovely relationship look sick or dirty.
I was never jealous of my sons relationships, when my older boy would break up with his girl friends I would grief, I learn to love all of them, I often think of them, and I miss them.
My second child always look for girls that were pretty but immature so he never stayed long with them, but it had nothing to do with me.
I always wanted him to be the best that he could be, I always wanted him to have a family, a wife that would love him and care for him, but I also wanted to gain a doughter.
Instead I have a son who tells me I can never go knock on his door or call him, because Operantly were were in an enmeshed relationship.
My children were the most important part of my life, now I can only receive a phone call if I am lucky ones a week, I can’t go ever stop by, he will have a babie in Teo months and I won’t be able to go visit much, because I am an abusive parent, all the people that know me know I am nothing like what you call enmeshed, I own my own businesses I looked after my family I do volunteer work, I am busy, and now I have to deal with this horrible accusations that are false and unkind.
I looked after my grandma until she died, I wished I could have done more for her, I called my dad almost every day until he died, I loved having conversations with him, he was also one of my best friends, my dad was a proper kind human being.
Please help people, but do not make them feel guilty about being close to a parent, we are living in a time in life we’re kids get bully and hurt, parents need to be there to guide and help their children, encourage family therapy, help families not destroy it, when families break society also colapses.
You need to understand that the parents dont set out to ruin their children's lives, but they end up ruining their marriages. The doctors are talking about a very unhealthy dynamic that ruins their lives. They're not referencing normal relationships. My ex mother in Las was like a co-wife. It was a threesome.
@@Meya-w7h agree. One has to experience what the doctors are saying to actually understand the impact of an unhealthy, dysfunctional family dynamic on marriages. I've been there long enough,and I know what Dr Ken Adams is saying
It sounds like you lack self awareness. Most enmeshed mothers aren't even aware that they are enmeshed. There's likely a reason that your kids pushed you away. If you are so sure that you are right, go see a therapist. The truth will soon be revealed to you, if you have the guts to do your inner work.
Your post shares a lot of your experience as a parent. And it's very similar to lots of parents.
We have kids....then develop selflessness to fulfill our responsibilities towards them. Our love for them helps us to grow.
What I may perceives as me giving them a happy childhood, may, from their perspective be absolutely terrible.
And they are allowed to have that perspective because they lived it.
I find this idea of "collectivist" Asian cultures to be weird and incorrect. There is not one 'Asian" culture to start with. And the Chinese do not sacrifice or even really orientate themselves to the "collective'. They look after themselves and immediate family in a very localised, self-centred way. And CONFORM to the wider culture to keep from being sacrificed to the collective. Which happens - and better its not me and my family.
It looks like narcissisme