I’m a fearful-avoidant so there’s this push-pull dynamic internally all the time. I want to be known, but afraid to be. But most people? I don’t trust you. You can get either the surface level Niceties or Distain, or just enough of my Self that I wear like armor to stay sane while protecting my core.
It isn't personal against anyone. I'm just naturally reserved and reticent. When I socialize, I'm extroverted and engaged but then I need to decompress. I love my alone time, and value my privacy. It's nice when someone not only understands and accepts me, but feels the same.
I am an avoidant and don't seek relationships. On the one hand, people say that avoidants shouldn't date at all. On the other hand, the anxious types chase me hard and won't take no for an answer, and then people are mad at me for not giving them a chance. Damned if I do; damned if I don't. 🤷♀️
What does "I don't seek relationships" mean? Do you pursue in the beginning then all of a sudden appear distant? I'm curious what that looks like for you.
26 years of marriage with a DA, and I feel so damaged!! He refuses to go to therapy, so I go on my own. In the couple of months that I have been going to therapy. He has pulled away more and more. And now divorce is on the table when our youngest leaves for college this fall.
How come you stayed with a man for 26 years who is avoidant and likely emotionally not meeting your needs? Who refused to work on himself. When you find yourself in a relationship with an avoidant partner and feel that the emotional labor is imbalanced, it's crucial to reflect on why you might be willing to accept such a dynamic for yourself. Relationships are not supposed to be work - they are a refuge from work. They do require effort, but it's effort that ultimately deepens connection and uplifts you both. Instead of finding ways to tolerate the intolerable, consider if you are repeating patterns from your early attachment experiences. Do you believe you deserve a balanced, reciprocal partnership? Identity any limiting beliefs that might be causing you to settle for less, such as "I have to work hard for love" or "I'm not worthy of a partner who meets my needs." Consider the hidden rewards of always being the one initiating emotional support - does that make you feel needed, or more in control? If someone didn't need you, why would they love you? Understand that you deserve a partnership where emotional labor is shared equally. Look for relationships where mutual respect and reciprocity are present. These are the foundations of a healthy and fulfilling partnership.
Poetic that this video would be posted today. My FA and I were good friends for 10 years before I started falling for her. I was asking myself why recently and I came to the conclusion that it was in fact her support. The first time I realized this was when I asked her to attend a Judo competition so she could watch me compete. Her answer was, "sure I'll come, but I want to see a good show!" I can honestly say that I've never had a woman support me with such encouraging words, not even my own mother and sister (they always treated me like some kind of muscle head). That's why I fell for her right then. This is a great video because these are straight facts!
Mine left for another dude But that connection is like a lightning bolt Proceed with caution but state your boundaries and hold firm. Good luck soldier!
@@taylorbee4010 yep, I'm sure they do. Luckily, I learned long ago to pay attention to what a woman DOES not necessarily what she SAYS. Don't get me wrong, it was great HEARING the support, but I got my helmet on nice and tight!
@@taylorbee4010 ah, I see. Well luckily I focus on my purpose first and foremost which means my career comes before a woman. You're definitely right about the calm part though. In fact, I invited her to a Block Party and she turned me down dating she had to work. I just responded with, "No worries, next time!" I left at that and am now about to get back to writing my book, lol.
So she told you that unless you won or did very good, she was going to be embarrassed of you. It's her image. If you get beat the first round, she'll cold shoulder you and give you the silent treatment. 10 years? Get out now, youre being devalued and don't even know jt. Shes disrespected you and you took it as a compliment ....
@summerrain3251 hey i see what ur saying but I don't this person is a narcissist. It more of a defense and lack of accountability. Now I have moved past wish thais made a video on this referring to friendships
@@wisdomguveya3728 yes, this defense and lack of accountability is exactly narcissism. Lol. Doesn’t mean they are an evil narcissist but it is a trait.
@summerrain3251 f Fair enough I think the word it's self has negative connotation and here a lot of us are here because we are wounded by or hurt other people. These words can only further validate the dark angry parts some us have operating from our wounded place. I think that why I like thais's content she allows to have empathy, she chooses her words and allows us to see objectively while affirming us (who have been hurt), gives us context into their inner world. This in turn helps us make the decision to move forward or move out. In my case I used positive framing did all that forgave n healed. Still wounded, set a timeline n decided to move out.
7 months today … He has started to pull away and go distant. Today he didn’t call me for the whole day This is something new My whole chest is hurting I’m so sad right now 😢 Why did I let him back in 💔
There are no mistakes, only lessons. I just blocked the one I know and this time it is permanent. Never going to go through the kind of pain he put me through. Every time he disappeared it was like as if someone died and when I was finally starting to feel better he reappeared as if nothing happened. I have secure attachment style, but was an anxious wreck.
@@katalinmcewanI’m sorry this has happened to you. If it’s not getting any better and you are not seeing change then you are doing the right thing. Just a little update on my situation So last week Wednesday was the day we didn’t speak for the whole day. (I’m anxious but learning to be secure) we normally speak every day Thursday he called me to check on me since he hadn’t heard from me the day before He explained he was going through something and didn’t want to discuss which is why he was distant the whole of last week. So I made myself BUSY and said yes to every invitation I received Friday, Saturday and Sunday I actually had a great weekend We were checking on each other throughout the day, but my replies were slow. I focused on myself. I realise I sit and wait for him to invite me out and cancel my plans in hope he wants to do something I also realise when I’m going through something I expect him to be my saviour when he is not that person. I’m learning alot about myself in this process too. I guess this situation is helping me become secure and stop over reacting in every situation. I’ve also learned that sometimes when I’m going through something it’s ok to be still, silent and patient. Monday morning he invited me on a date Monday evening. Which was actually really sweet. We had quality time. He seems back to his normal self Texting, calling, updating me I guess last week he was actually going through something. Not taking it personal and making his silence about me is another thing I need to adjust to. Anyway Wishing you a great day I know it’s very painful but I promise you will be ok Just do what’s best for you xxx
If you want to keep an avoidant, you need to determine the type of avoidant they are, learn how their mind works, and give them exactly what they need. You will gain their trust and make them comfortable while avoiding their triggers. And you need to give them space before they feel they need it. Study attachment styles and you can manipulate just about anyone to form a deep bond. My FA girlfriend doesn't even act like an avoidant anymore. Although it doesn't feel like manipulation because I'm giving her what she needs when she needs it.. it definitely is a game of manipulation to maintain a healthy relationship. It feels effortless to me and I couldn't be happier. With that said, I understand that a male avoidant would have different needs, and might be more of a challenge. I'm sure they can be manipulated just as easily though.
@@anonymouscat1299 sooooo We are at 8 months now and we are back on track I decided to give him his space and just focus on myself. I told myself he will come back when he is ready and he did It was 2 weeks of frosty behaviour from him I could even see him trying to self sabotage. He was saying he doesn’t know if he could do the relationship thing and he is scared he can’t give me what I want. So I gave him time to calm down and get over his feelings I don’t know what’s in his head or what he thinks I want But I told him I want Loyalty, honestly, respect, quality time, love etc Then he messaged and asked for a chat I made him do the talking ( he rarely does) He was very vulnerable which I was shocked at. He told me I make him anxious I asked him what I could do or change in my behaviour to reduce that feeling Then I just reassured him he was doing a good job and to stop doubting himself and his efforts. I told him I know he thinks he is bad a relationship but he has been really great and to stop letting his past relationships project onto his new relationship. I told him to stop sabotaging something that’s going well. He listened. Then we spoke again on Saturday and he was back to being good again. Then Sunday we spent the afternoon together He was laughing and joking and was happy again I guess he just needed a bit of space and reassurance I’m proud of myself for being patient and not making the situation worse by being anxious. This relationship has helped me to become more secure It’s weird. Learning to notice the signs when he is struggling and understanding he is having a moment and allowing him time to process has been a game changer
Can you do more videos on anxious attachment? I know that these are more popular but anxiously attached people are also harmful and annoying tbh. Their clinginess and quick to infatuation gets them hurt and then they blame everyone but themselves!
This is part of the avoidants brain damage. An AP will talk to an Avoidant once in a year and due to their lack of neurochemicals they read it incorrectly (secure people talk at least once a day and meet around 4 to 5 times a week as a baseline)
@@hspinnovators5516 I don't think secure have a rule to want to spend time with someone 4-5 times a week. They do want consistent, congruent and considerate behavior and communication. Spoiler alert: you can achieve this with a DA.
@@hspinnovators5516 secure people do not want to spend 4 to 5 times a week together. That's an anxious attachment ALL the way. Maybe 2 to 3 times a week, but people have work and lives including other plans with friends and family. That would literally mean they have no time to themselves. Secure people know how to balance their lives.
@Jae-by3hf yes and because so many don't do the proper work on themselves, they continue to find themselves in relationships with avoidants. Ironically enough, I've asked so many AP's why they don't date another AP if they need this type of validation and security and seriously, the same response is they don't want a clingy partner. LOL It's fascinating because I lean avoidant and will only date secure or avoidant men because I know we can have a loving relationship without spilling into the other person's life too much.
Thank you so much for mentioning this 'shame hangover' - I've experienced pushback from so many people that I've really connected with on the first meetin; and then the second time I see them they act very uncomfortable and almost disgusted by me - even though they seemed to really get something out of the initial interaction. I’m so glad this is a thing because I've been internalising that as there's something almost repulsive about me 😔
Sounds good in a perfect world but really.. how many DA’s actually acknowledge they need therapy THEN will actually go, THEN actually commit to the process of change. I say less than 1%.
I am a therapist😂. I definitely lean secure but I’m avoidant. I don’t love going to my own therapist regularly but when I do go, it’s solution focused and short term and I love my therapist. So like, we can change. My partner of 16 years is anxious. Sometimes I feel like crawling out of my skin with him and running away…but we work it out. We’re both growing and changing.
Totally, listening to Thais’ advice cost me dearly. I much prefer Coach Ryan. Avoid the avoidant, unless they are actively working on themselves and having therapy, which like you said, isn’t exactly common.
All good here on this end nothing to report.. or retort. I usually watch your videos back to back at the end of my day and wind down, categorize, compartmentalize, then close my eyes. Get up. Do it again. Kind of like Groundhog Day.
I told her that I value the connection we made and I care about her. Her response was "I can't talk to you anymore". It left me confused till now. I really love her and feel that punch-like feeling in my stomach whenever I think about her esp late nights and early mornings😢. Watching videos on attachment helped me realize she has some fearful avoidant attachment attributes due to her past traumas. Now I'm here anxious asking whether I should reach out or should just continue with my no contact. Please advise.
So someone tells you you, they can’t talk to you anymore, and you’re still asking whether you should reach out to them? No. You should respect their views, and also respect yourself.
It never hurts to offer an invitation. Just don't put pressure behind it. It may be that she simply doesn't like you, but it sounds like she's afraid of being vulnerable rather than not liking you.
@@Ridingrules10000 stop victimizing avoidants. She decided to stop talking, so it's her responsibility to reach out. Some people stuck for years in constant push and pull relationships with avoidants, because of guilty for leaving that person
I met a DA and he had an adult child [20] always playing mind games with me. I only knew him for 3 months, stopped talking 5 months ago and still mentally messed.
@@BruceJC75Somehow I knew that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending when I read your first comment. I have been reading some horror stories underneath Coach Ryan’s post on Instagram. Absolutely horrific! I’m never going anywhere near a DA in my life ever again. They make you let your guard down then pull the rug from underneath you.
Mine did that to me in Oklahoma. Always wanting to know what I thought of Tulsa. Told me at the airport he would see me in 30 days and then ran away instead. Most hurtful experience I’ve gone through. I cared about him very much.
Y’all, if you can’t ignore the compulsion to leave nasty comments on a video about about an insecure attachment that doesn’t have to be yours, then do everyone a favor, stop watching.
Great video Thais. I'm an AP and my gf is a DA. We've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years and we see each other only 1 weekend per month. Would love a video on any tips to make this work. Keep up the good work.
Let me tell you my guy, if she likes to have sex - lots of DAs don’t cause vulnerability and no self confidence, ergo not able to be naked or really intimate with someone - I’d really watch carefully if she is not only keeping you as a source of attention…cause she may think „ haha nice I can fugt around, have fun but don’t need to be vulnerable emotionally or show my true self faustende don’t see each other often plus I can get unlimited affection from different guys and he doesn’t even know“
Like.. dude.. get real. How much you want to suffer? It is rough, but.. grieve. Grieve what happened, and most importantly what could have happened. You sacrafice years from your life, you will end up as a wreck and no one will honor you at the end. Of course I do not know details, but look into yourself and be honest. Love cant save everything, it is a fact, it is not enough alone. I have warned you. - An AP dude after DA gf
Work on becoming securely attached. Otherwise it will NEVER work and will be a toxic relationship. Are you happy seeing someone once a month for the rest of your life? Not my idea of a healthy relationships.
@@katalinmcewan damn, even with secure people happen this? how can be avoidants this painful?! could you tell me some more details? what symptoms you had after break up? how did you feel?
You are confusing a narcissist which is a personality disorder with a dismissive avoidant which is just an attachment style..... please continue doing your research, learn it properly before spreading misinformation
DA lets me In his house and see his son BUT he won’t open up his life/communicate/express/vulnerability but see little spirts here and there. Like it can take a year I see spirts of vulnerability. 😢I was confused and I can’t read minds. I pulled back. We can go a year and come back and a year and come back. 🤦🏽♀️. I have boundries up now. I told him I need growth/consistency/communication/vulnerability. Since past toxic relationship I became blunt and I know what I want. He knows i didn’t want to push him. My bluntness sometimes makes him shutdown again and again bcuz of my needs. I see my issues I need to work on. I’m a AP side 🥴.
Here's how to create strong boundaries while considering attachment styles:Acknowledge that your needs and feelings are important, and everyone deserves to have their personal space and limits respected. Then take these steps: 1) Figure out what you don't like, 2) Then claim what you do like 3) determine how you want to feel 4)get specific on what makes you feel that way 5) Then put it altogether into red and green flag statements. For example, "I don't like it when..but I do like it when...because it makes me feel...which must mean I need... And I will honor this by not entertaining...and instead, choosing to..."
I was trying to spare my sarcastic comment. I followed Thais’ advice on DAs, only to find out he was hooking up with others from dating apps. Avoid the avoidant at all cost!
That's a cheaters relationship, dismissive avoidants are scared of relationships and are always on the defensive due to childhood trauma and not having their needs met by parents or caregivers. I am one of those. What you are referring to is most likely a narcissitic or "most modern women" type relationship where they don't respond to texts, act distant etc. There's huge difference here because if you were to tail a true avoidant peson, all you'd find is them sitting home alone or in their private space and basically only driving to places like the grocery store etc. to get what they need to survive in our cocoons and even on those trips they will not talk to anyone unless it's absolutely neccesary. In summary to avoid getting hurt or if we feel like our needs are not being met, we just retreat into a shell because as children when our parents would ignore us even if we had issues, that's basically all we could do and it's what we have been conditioned to do. We are not like normal people as we have had our base desires crushed since childhood in order to meet the needs of narcissitic or sociopathic parenting style. Most probably don't even understand social cues and are incels due to this. But yes there are cheaters, liars, manipulators who probably do similar things, I think the difference being is that the avoidant is trying to not get hurt and is keeping to themselves completely wheras the former is actively hurting you in order to meet their own needs or desires and having a ball of a time doing it. just saying that you guys might be in the wrong section looking for advice on your failing relationships. For this type of problem you need to go to DariusM, EmilyWking and other channels that deal with those types of scenarios because that's probably where you will get a better understanding of your situation.
Now i feel shame for not navigating the issues in a healthy way….i was on vaccation with a man i‘m getting to know.i pointed out the things i didn‘t like.For example,we wen‘t out to eat and he was on his phone while we where waiting for the food.i told him,its rude to do such thing,when on a date with a woman👀 I could see his shame,yet i need to adress such things🤔i was hungry aswell and maybe i said it to harsh…..damn.the avoidants trigger me,i feel rejected🫣
You might try conveying the exact same message, but in a positively-flipped sort of way. (So rather than saying what you don't like, say what you do.) For example, had I been in your shoes, I might have said something along the lines of: what I love most about having dinner together, is the chance to indulge in receiving your undivided attention. I sure feel beautiful & treasured when you're focused on me. (Or something to that effect.) That's not an approach I would use specifically with avoidants, but with all humans in general. As regardless of attachment style, people tend to have a natural inclination toward defensiveness (or shutting down) if they feel ashamed or criticized... so being a little more direct in outlining our preferred approach (when addressing someone's behavior) is often a more effective communication strategy. *But that's just my two cents, do whatever works best for you dear!
Personally I feel the need for alone time to decompress. Might seem selfish, but the feeling of getting through a hard day and be met with little issues to solve and conversations that require time and patience feels draining. I enjoy my alone time and use it as a way to come back to the conversation with an open mind and and a new ambience in the room. When the room ambience does not seem to change at any moment prior to the conversation I just feel like leaving the room. Due to my familiar life the room ambience in my house was always heavy. As soon as I feel it I can’t start the conversation while my partner does not make an effort to show me it will be a calm and healthy conversation. Broke up a 3 year relationship for not being able to deal with my studies and my girlfriend’s needs during a time that was hard for both. When Discussions got heated my impulse was to leave and several times I shouted for not seeing an end to the discussion. Via message i did not feel like responding given what i wanted was a real calm conversation. I asked for time until I finished my exams and when I came back she no longer wanted to feel dismissed and hurt by my tone.
9:27 show that’s there’s acceptance & not judgement. And be more open with his activities. To be more mindful. if these type of thing becomes unhealthy these types of things would be open to discussion.
As a male avoidant (of various types) I would say it's less about shame and more about not trusting and making myself vulnerable. I genuinely feel that the right person will deserve my trust and by default most of my walls will come down. It's yet to happen so wish me luck!
Is a relationship reset same as needing space ? That’s what my DA suggested . After I Caught him lying to me about seeing other women again . He believe being upfront and honest cause more harm . 😢those were his exact words. I can tell when he distance . I will ask is everything ok he would say yes and be lying we even talked about his lies and he said moving forward he will be honest . and look where we are I snapped because he was dismissing my needs and caught him lying again . Ughhh 😢 he said he didn’t like my behavior. Sir I just caught you lying again !!!
Hi Thais! I have a very concrete question, you may could help me with. First of all thank you so much for your work! I am on my healing journey and have already learned so much through your videos. My question is: How do I communicate my needs and boundaries to a fearful avoidant without pressuring them in the sense of "expectations"? I learned that an FA can be easily triggered by expectations since they already have very high expectations on themselfs. However, I regularly feel the need to communicate boundaries and needs with this person because I can feel very overwhelmed or exhausted by their switching between anxious and avoidant behaviors. When I communicate a boundary or need, it is followed by an expectation from my side that those are reapected. Of course if someone has experience with this kind of situation, I would be glad to get some advice.^^
Ok so how do you deal with a partner shutting down unexpectedly, being condescending and shaming you when they feel triggered, ashamed and rejected ? There is wayyy more than using creature comforts!
Hello i am watching because I have a relative and friend who behave this way. How would it work me watching this in that respect? Because i understand most people watch due to their romantic partner/ lover Thank you ❤
Honestly, I wouldn’t waste my time. I tried everything and spent two years reading books, was a member of Thais’ school for a year, implemented strategies. My DA was a friend/crush only. I wish I could go back time and put myself first and just let him be. It’s an investment with no return. I feel like a fool.
@@katalinmcewan thank you for your response. I totally hear you and I understand it is frustrating. Makes us look like fools or weak going back and forth. End of 👍🏽🎉
It’s been a little over a week since I’ve last heard from her. Everything was great but I did feel some pulling away. Is it too late to communicate with her?
There is always a reason why an avoidant would stop talking to you. And it's usually not just one reason. They have a basket, you see, where they put "evidences" of why you are not "safe" enough for them. They could've seen something in you that scared them or you had inadvertently hurt their feelings. They grew up feeling unworthy of love and consideration, so their tendency as adults is to recoil deep into their shells instead of standing up for themselves and risk being told that they deserved to be hurt or to suffer, which is more painful than being alone.
How about you pay more attention to your partners actually learn who they are before committing to a person that you have invented Nobody's Perfect and I love my avoidant he's an absolute remarkable human
@@tishawatiker2473 THANK YOU. *Typical* Dismissive Avoidants aren't usually the ones put there beating down doors & insisting on being given a chance. Too many people need to get to know people more before diving into over-romanticized or over-sexualized comittments. People put on blinders to the *actual person* behind whatever traits they are attracted toward... then expect that *actual person* to be their idea, & only those favored traits... which will actually make an avoidant more difficult from feeling misunderstood or dismissed as a person. Dismissives often have a hard time walking away, because they feel like this might be the best they can attract... this person might not want them for who they are, but at least someone wants parts of them. So that might be worth being half-rejected... rejection is their norm, so... more of the same, maybe with sex sometimes.😅
I can sum this up quickly. What are they doing? They're trying to find your replacement or already cheating on you. They can't hear they did something wrong or you want to discuss an issue about the relationship. You'll get the silent treatment and they'll start a fight with you over nothing so they can go spend time securing the other backup or be with the other person.
Don’t project your personal experience onto everyone else. I like my privacy, not because I’m cheating or securing a back up but because I respect other people’s, including my partners, space and privacy. Don’t snoop through my nightstand, or spare room, or closet, finding my journal and reading it. I keep no secrets but every person has the right to keep a piece of themselves to themselves and know someone isn’t going to demand explanation for who you are. Again, I’m not talking about betrayal…just allowing me to be me.
@@tandaolson4150 Did you watch this video and the other 20 Thais has done on DA? It's not my personal opinion, it's a fact. You're not cheating, but your boyfriend better not get in your journal or your nightstand. Why not, what's in it he shouldn't see? You keep no secrets so why can't they see in your journal 🍌🥕
I bet you never ask your partner any questions about his life because you don't want him asking you questions. That's what you call respecting someone's privacy?
The comments here are so unfair. Avoidants need and want love, but they haven't found the world to be a safe place. They protect themselves bc they believe you will ultimately reject them, as you are here. Poor character is different from avoidant behavior due to trauma. Just sayin'.
Goddamnit, avoidant attachment style and avoidant personality disorder ARE NOT THE SAME THING. Also, stop using reductive language such as "the avoidant" and "my avoidant." As someone with AvPD, I am a human being and I am not someone's pet or property. This attachment style bullshit is causing a lot of harm in terms of ending the stigma.
Let me describe how a 10 year marriage with a DA woman looks like: a) she came to live with me but she NEVER IN 10 YEARS let me visit her own home b) she NEVER IN 10 YEARS let me visit her place of work (she works alone in a private office) c) she only let me meet her mother TWICE IN 10 YEARS, in a restaurant, not at her home d) she only allowed me to meet a friend of her’s ONCE IN 10 YEARS e) she only initiated sex ONCE IN 10 YEARS, and that was when she was suddenly in panic to have a child f) sex, intimacy, physical touch, romance, almost non-existent Thais, I would appreciate your thoughts.
This isn’t easy. I had a woman similar to this. And we have been separated for over a year. The answers will be found when you look within your self. Learn about speaking your needs and wants. And accept that you get what you allow in your life. At the end, you know deep down you deserve better. So in that case that’s what you have to strive for. with yourself, that person , or someone else.
Why are you accepting crumbs? Why are you accepting the bare minimum? What we permit we promote. Problem is not with her, it’s with you for continuing in such a dynamic
See now I bet you're an anxious attachment or even an FA because ten years is long time to endure this. I'd say it's time to think about your own needs.
Such a pity that you put all these distracting videos behind your message. Your message is powerful enough! It gets even more powerful when there is not so much movement and new pictures. Because then the listeners can concentrate and integrate your message. Only people who have low value content need to add music or action scenes into their videos. Low value or superficial content needs distraction. You don't need that! Who ever gave you advice on that, is no real professional! PLEASE get back to your former style and show your beautiful face. 🙏
I don't know about other avoidants, but as for me, I don't want to be completely known because I don't want to give anyone the power to manipulate me.
Agree. I don't consider myself an avoidant. I just have a very very small inner circle. No one knows *everything* and I prefer that.
Respectfully, do manipulate others or do you treat them the way you want to be treated? Just asking. 😔
Stop being dumb
I’m a fearful-avoidant so there’s this push-pull dynamic internally all the time. I want to be known, but afraid to be. But most people? I don’t trust you. You can get either the surface level Niceties or Distain, or just enough of my Self that I wear like armor to stay sane while protecting my core.
Why, is that what you'd do to others?
It isn't personal against anyone. I'm just naturally reserved and reticent. When I socialize, I'm extroverted and engaged but then I need to decompress. I love my alone time, and value my privacy. It's nice when someone not only understands and accepts me, but feels the same.
I have a secure attachment style and an INFJ (extroverted introvert) so could totally understand the DA.
@@katalinmcewan It helps a lot when you can relate to their style.
I am an avoidant and don't seek relationships.
On the one hand, people say that avoidants shouldn't date at all. On the other hand, the anxious types chase me hard and won't take no for an answer, and then people are mad at me for not giving them a chance.
Damned if I do; damned if I don't. 🤷♀️
@@paracoco1761 and you're probably open and honest about it and don't appreciate the person that you are
What does "I don't seek relationships" mean? Do you pursue in the beginning then all of a sudden appear distant? I'm curious what that looks like for you.
26 years of marriage with a DA, and I feel so damaged!! He refuses to go to therapy, so I go on my own.
In the couple of months that I have been going to therapy. He has pulled away more and more. And now divorce is on the table when our youngest leaves for college this fall.
How come you stayed with a man for 26 years who is avoidant and likely emotionally not meeting your needs? Who refused to work on himself. When you find yourself in a relationship with an avoidant partner and feel that the emotional labor is imbalanced, it's crucial to reflect on why you might be willing to accept such a dynamic for yourself. Relationships are not supposed to be work - they are a refuge from work. They do require effort, but it's effort that ultimately deepens connection and uplifts you both. Instead of finding ways to tolerate the intolerable, consider if you are repeating patterns from your early attachment experiences. Do you believe you deserve a balanced, reciprocal partnership? Identity any limiting beliefs that might be causing you to settle for less, such as "I have to work hard for love" or "I'm not worthy of a partner who meets my needs." Consider the hidden rewards of always being the one initiating emotional support - does that make you feel needed, or more in control? If someone didn't need you, why would they love you?
Understand that you deserve a partnership where emotional labor is shared equally. Look for relationships where mutual respect and reciprocity are present. These are the foundations of a healthy and fulfilling partnership.
Why are you with someone who refuses to grow or meet your needs
Perfect advert not to deal with avoidants if this is the potential outcome. 😑
Same!
Wow, that's impressive.
Poetic that this video would be posted today. My FA and I were good friends for 10 years before I started falling for her. I was asking myself why recently and I came to the conclusion that it was in fact her support. The first time I realized this was when I asked her to attend a Judo competition so she could watch me compete. Her answer was, "sure I'll come, but I want to see a good show!" I can honestly say that I've never had a woman support me with such encouraging words, not even my own mother and sister (they always treated me like some kind of muscle head). That's why I fell for her right then. This is a great video because these are straight facts!
They throw a lot of love at first. Bring a helmet. Stay calm.
Mine left for another dude
But that connection is like a lightning bolt
Proceed with caution but state your boundaries and hold firm. Good luck soldier!
@@taylorbee4010 yep, I'm sure they do. Luckily, I learned long ago to pay attention to what a woman DOES not necessarily what she SAYS. Don't get me wrong, it was great HEARING the support, but I got my helmet on nice and tight!
@@taylorbee4010 ah, I see. Well luckily I focus on my purpose first and foremost which means my career comes before a woman. You're definitely right about the calm part though. In fact, I invited her to a Block Party and she turned me down dating she had to work. I just responded with, "No worries, next time!" I left at that and am now about to get back to writing my book, lol.
So she told you that unless you won or did very good, she was going to be embarrassed of you. It's her image. If you get beat the first round, she'll cold shoulder you and give you the silent treatment.
10 years? Get out now, youre being devalued and don't even know jt. Shes disrespected you and you took it as a compliment ....
Please make video on friendships on different attachment styles. So why do they shame you when you are at your lowest. Flaw find and rewrite history
Probably has more to do with narcissism
@summerrain3251 hey i see what ur saying but I don't this person is a narcissist. It more of a defense and lack of accountability. Now I have moved past wish thais made a video on this referring to friendships
@@wisdomguveya3728 yes, this defense and lack of accountability is exactly narcissism. Lol. Doesn’t mean they are an evil narcissist but it is a trait.
@summerrain3251 f
Fair enough I think the word it's self has negative connotation and here a lot of us are here because we are wounded by or hurt other people. These words can only further validate the dark angry parts some us have operating from our wounded place. I think that why I like thais's content she allows to have empathy, she chooses her words and allows us to see objectively while affirming us (who have been hurt), gives us context into their inner world. This in turn helps us make the decision to move forward or move out. In my case I used positive framing did all that forgave n healed. Still wounded, set a timeline n decided to move out.
7 months today …
He has started to pull away and go distant.
Today he didn’t call me for the whole day
This is something new
My whole chest is hurting
I’m so sad right now 😢
Why did I let him back in 💔
There are no mistakes, only lessons. I just blocked the one I know and this time it is permanent. Never going to go through the kind of pain he put me through. Every time he disappeared it was like as if someone died and when I was finally starting to feel better he reappeared as if nothing happened. I have secure attachment style, but was an anxious wreck.
@@katalinmcewanI’m sorry this has happened to you.
If it’s not getting any better and you are not seeing change then you are doing the right thing.
Just a little update on my situation
So last week Wednesday was the day we didn’t speak for the whole day. (I’m anxious but learning to be secure) we normally speak every day
Thursday he called me to check on me since he hadn’t heard from me the day before
He explained he was going through something and didn’t want to discuss which is why he was distant the whole of last week.
So I made myself BUSY and said yes to every invitation I received
Friday, Saturday and Sunday
I actually had a great weekend
We were checking on each other throughout the day, but my replies were slow. I focused on myself.
I realise I sit and wait for him to invite me out and cancel my plans in hope he wants to do something
I also realise when I’m going through something I expect him to be my saviour when he is not that person.
I’m learning alot about myself in this process too. I guess this situation is helping me become secure and stop over reacting in every situation.
I’ve also learned that sometimes when I’m going through something it’s ok to be still, silent and patient.
Monday morning he invited me on a date Monday evening.
Which was actually really sweet. We had quality time.
He seems back to his normal self
Texting, calling, updating me
I guess last week he was actually going through something.
Not taking it personal and making his silence about me is another thing I need to adjust to.
Anyway
Wishing you a great day
I know it’s very painful but I promise you will be ok
Just do what’s best for you xxx
If you want to keep an avoidant, you need to determine the type of avoidant they are, learn how their mind works, and give them exactly what they need. You will gain their trust and make them comfortable while avoiding their triggers. And you need to give them space before they feel they need it. Study attachment styles and you can manipulate just about anyone to form a deep bond. My FA girlfriend doesn't even act like an avoidant anymore. Although it doesn't feel like manipulation because I'm giving her what she needs when she needs it.. it definitely is a game of manipulation to maintain a healthy relationship. It feels effortless to me and I couldn't be happier. With that said, I understand that a male avoidant would have different needs, and might be more of a challenge. I'm sure they can be manipulated just as easily though.
@@anonymouscat1299 sooooo
We are at 8 months now and we are back on track
I decided to give him his space and just focus on myself.
I told myself he will come back when he is ready and he did
It was 2 weeks of frosty behaviour from him
I could even see him trying to self sabotage.
He was saying he doesn’t know if he could do the relationship thing and he is scared he can’t give me what I want.
So I gave him time to calm down and get over his feelings
I don’t know what’s in his head or what he thinks I want
But I told him I want
Loyalty, honestly, respect, quality time, love etc
Then he messaged and asked for a chat
I made him do the talking ( he rarely does)
He was very vulnerable which I was shocked at.
He told me I make him anxious
I asked him what I could do or change in my behaviour to reduce that feeling
Then I just reassured him he was doing a good job and to stop doubting himself and his efforts.
I told him I know he thinks he is bad a relationship but he has been really great and to stop letting his past relationships project onto his new relationship.
I told him to stop sabotaging something that’s going well.
He listened.
Then we spoke again on Saturday and he was back to being good again.
Then Sunday we spent the afternoon together
He was laughing and joking and was happy again
I guess he just needed a bit of space and reassurance
I’m proud of myself for being patient and not making the situation worse by being anxious.
This relationship has helped me to become more secure
It’s weird.
Learning to notice the signs when he is struggling and understanding he is having a moment and allowing him time to process has been a game changer
Can you do more videos on anxious attachment? I know that these are more popular but anxiously attached people are also harmful and annoying tbh. Their clinginess and quick to infatuation gets them hurt and then they blame everyone but themselves!
This is part of the avoidants brain damage. An AP will talk to an Avoidant once in a year and due to their lack of neurochemicals they read it incorrectly (secure people talk at least once a day and meet around 4 to 5 times a week as a baseline)
@@hspinnovators5516 I don't think secure have a rule to want to spend time with someone 4-5 times a week. They do want consistent, congruent and considerate behavior and communication.
Spoiler alert: you can achieve this with a DA.
@@hspinnovators5516 secure people do not want to spend 4 to 5 times a week together. That's an anxious attachment ALL the way. Maybe 2 to 3 times a week, but people have work and lives including other plans with friends and family. That would literally mean they have no time to themselves. Secure people know how to balance their lives.
@Jae-by3hf yes and because so many don't do the proper work on themselves, they continue to find themselves in relationships with avoidants. Ironically enough, I've asked so many AP's why they don't date another AP if they need this type of validation and security and seriously, the same response is they don't want a clingy partner. LOL It's fascinating because I lean avoidant and will only date secure or avoidant men because I know we can have a loving relationship without spilling into the other person's life too much.
An anxious attachment style can easily become a secure attachment style with a little personal development and focus on ones goals.
This was trully an outstanding Psychology class. Thanks for being so clear, Dr. Thais!
Thank you so much for mentioning this 'shame hangover' - I've experienced pushback from so many people that I've really connected with on the first meetin; and then the second time I see them they act very uncomfortable and almost disgusted by me - even though they seemed to really get something out of the initial interaction.
I’m so glad this is a thing because I've been internalising that as there's something almost repulsive about me 😔
Sounds good in a perfect world but really.. how many DA’s actually acknowledge they need therapy THEN will actually go, THEN actually commit to the process of change. I say less than 1%.
😮
I am a therapist😂. I definitely lean secure but I’m avoidant. I don’t love going to my own therapist regularly but when I do go, it’s solution focused and short term and I love my therapist. So like, we can change. My partner of 16 years is anxious. Sometimes I feel like crawling out of my skin with him and running away…but we work it out. We’re both growing and changing.
@@OsMom133I’m SA and APs drive me nuts. 😂
Totally, listening to Thais’ advice cost me dearly. I much prefer Coach Ryan. Avoid the avoidant, unless they are actively working on themselves and having therapy, which like you said, isn’t exactly common.
All good here on this end nothing to report.. or retort. I usually watch your videos back to back at the end of my day and wind down, categorize, compartmentalize, then close my eyes. Get up. Do it again. Kind of like Groundhog Day.
I told her that I value the connection we made and I care about her. Her response was "I can't talk to you anymore".
It left me confused till now. I really love her and feel that punch-like feeling in my stomach whenever I think about her esp late nights and early mornings😢.
Watching videos on attachment helped me realize she has some fearful avoidant attachment attributes due to her past traumas.
Now I'm here anxious asking whether I should reach out or should just continue with my no contact. Please advise.
So someone tells you you, they can’t talk to you anymore, and you’re still asking whether you should reach out to them? No. You should respect their views, and also respect yourself.
Continue no-contact. Your reaching out only will make things worse
It never hurts to offer an invitation. Just don't put pressure behind it. It may be that she simply doesn't like you, but it sounds like she's afraid of being vulnerable rather than not liking you.
@@SK-no2pp, leaving a friend because they have self sabotaging behaviors isn't being a very good friend.
@@Ridingrules10000 stop victimizing avoidants. She decided to stop talking, so it's her responsibility to reach out. Some people stuck for years in constant push and pull relationships with avoidants, because of guilty for leaving that person
More on how to encourage them to self reflect
I met a DA and he had an adult child [20] always playing mind games with me. I only knew him for 3 months, stopped talking 5 months ago and still mentally messed.
Mine brought me to her house and asked if I could see myself living there lol.
Thats a start. Hope it works out for you
@@Cabbage_math oh no, she’s my ex. She discarded me just before I was about to meet her kids and we were gonna spending a lot more time together.
@@BruceJC75Somehow I knew that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending when I read your first comment. I have been reading some horror stories underneath Coach Ryan’s post on Instagram. Absolutely horrific! I’m never going anywhere near a DA in my life ever again. They make you let your guard down then pull the rug from underneath you.
Mine did that to me in Oklahoma. Always wanting to know what I thought of Tulsa. Told me at the airport he would see me in 30 days and then ran away instead. Most hurtful experience I’ve gone through. I cared about him very much.
Y’all, if you can’t ignore the compulsion to leave nasty comments on a video about about an insecure attachment that doesn’t have to be yours, then do everyone a favor, stop watching.
Great video Thais. I'm an AP and my gf is a DA. We've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years and we see each other only 1 weekend per month. Would love a video on any tips to make this work. Keep up the good work.
Let me tell you my guy, if she likes to have sex - lots of DAs don’t cause vulnerability and no self confidence, ergo not able to be naked or really intimate with someone - I’d really watch carefully if she is not only keeping you as a source of attention…cause she may think „ haha nice I can fugt around, have fun but don’t need to be vulnerable emotionally or show my true self faustende don’t see each other often plus I can get unlimited affection from different guys and he doesn’t even know“
Like.. dude.. get real. How much you want to suffer? It is rough, but.. grieve. Grieve what happened, and most importantly what could have happened. You sacrafice years from your life, you will end up as a wreck and no one will honor you at the end.
Of course I do not know details, but look into yourself and be honest. Love cant save everything, it is a fact, it is not enough alone.
I have warned you.
- An AP dude after DA gf
@@SidneyWellsI’m with you. I’m an SA and it took me two years to half recover from my DA experience.
Work on becoming securely attached. Otherwise it will NEVER work and will be a toxic relationship. Are you happy seeing someone once a month for the rest of your life? Not my idea of a healthy relationships.
@@katalinmcewan damn, even with secure people happen this? how can be avoidants this painful?! could you tell me some more details? what symptoms you had after break up? how did you feel?
I need the equivalent of this video for anxious attachment
Give them enough space, and they will cheat.
I’m a DA and have NEVER cheated. Not emotionally or physically.
Some will, left alone.
Is it true that you don't even like sex?
They need new supply.
You are confusing a narcissist which is a personality disorder with a dismissive avoidant which is just an attachment style..... please continue doing your research, learn it properly before spreading misinformation
DA lets me In his house and see his son BUT he won’t open up his life/communicate/express/vulnerability but see little spirts here and there. Like it can take a year I see spirts of vulnerability. 😢I was confused and I can’t read minds. I pulled back.
We can go a year and come back and a year and come back. 🤦🏽♀️. I have boundries up now. I told him I need growth/consistency/communication/vulnerability. Since past toxic relationship I became blunt and I know what I want. He knows i didn’t want to push him. My bluntness sometimes makes him shutdown again and again bcuz of my needs. I see my issues I need to work on. I’m a AP side 🥴.
Here's how to create strong boundaries while considering attachment styles:Acknowledge that your needs and feelings are important, and everyone deserves to have their personal space and limits respected. Then take these steps:
1) Figure out what you don't like, 2) Then claim what you do like 3) determine how you want to feel 4)get specific on what makes you feel that way 5) Then put it altogether into red and green flag statements. For example, "I don't like it when..but I do like it when...because it makes me feel...which must mean I need... And I will honor this by not entertaining...and instead, choosing to..."
They need space from you to draw closer to someone else
Yep forever sabotaging to prove themselves correct
This is my gut feeling as to what's going on
I was trying to spare my sarcastic comment. I followed Thais’ advice on DAs, only to find out he was hooking up with others from dating apps. Avoid the avoidant at all cost!
@@JD-dv9kcAlways trust your gut instinct.
That's a cheaters relationship, dismissive avoidants are scared of relationships and are always on the defensive due to childhood trauma and not having their needs met by parents or caregivers. I am one of those. What you are referring to is most likely a narcissitic or "most modern women" type relationship where they don't respond to texts, act distant etc. There's huge difference here because if you were to tail a true avoidant peson, all you'd find is them sitting home alone or in their private space and basically only driving to places like the grocery store etc. to get what they need to survive in our cocoons and even on those trips they will not talk to anyone unless it's absolutely neccesary.
In summary to avoid getting hurt or if we feel like our needs are not being met, we just retreat into a shell because as children when our parents would ignore us even if we had issues, that's basically all we could do and it's what we have been conditioned to do. We are not like normal people as we have had our base desires crushed since childhood in order to meet the needs of narcissitic or sociopathic parenting style. Most probably don't even understand social cues and are incels due to this.
But yes there are cheaters, liars, manipulators who probably do similar things, I think the difference being is that the avoidant is trying to not get hurt and is keeping to themselves completely wheras the former is actively hurting you in order to meet their own needs or desires and having a ball of a time doing it.
just saying that you guys might be in the wrong section looking for advice on your failing relationships. For this type of problem you need to go to DariusM, EmilyWking and other channels that deal with those types of scenarios because that's probably where you will get a better understanding of your situation.
Now i feel shame for not navigating the issues in a healthy way….i was on vaccation with a man i‘m getting to know.i pointed out the things i didn‘t like.For example,we wen‘t out to eat and he was on his phone while we where waiting for the food.i told him,its rude to do such thing,when on a date with a woman👀
I could see his shame,yet i need to adress such things🤔i was hungry aswell and maybe i said it to harsh…..damn.the avoidants trigger me,i feel rejected🫣
You might try conveying the exact same message, but in a positively-flipped sort of way. (So rather than saying what you don't like, say what you do.)
For example, had I been in your shoes, I might have said something along the lines of: what I love most about having dinner together, is the chance to indulge in receiving your undivided attention. I sure feel beautiful & treasured when you're focused on me. (Or something to that effect.)
That's not an approach I would use specifically with avoidants, but with all humans in general. As regardless of attachment style, people tend to have a natural inclination toward defensiveness (or shutting down) if they feel ashamed or criticized... so being a little more direct in outlining our preferred approach (when addressing someone's behavior) is often a more effective communication strategy.
*But that's just my two cents, do whatever works best for you dear!
Personally I feel the need for alone time to decompress. Might seem selfish, but the feeling of getting through a hard day and be met with little issues to solve and conversations that require time and patience feels draining. I enjoy my alone time and use it as a way to come back to the conversation with an open mind and and a new ambience in the room. When the room ambience does not seem to change at any moment prior to the conversation I just feel like leaving the room. Due to my familiar life the room ambience in my house was always heavy. As soon as I feel it I can’t start the conversation while my partner does not make an effort to show me it will be a calm and healthy conversation. Broke up a 3 year relationship for not being able to deal with my studies and my girlfriend’s needs during a time that was hard for both. When Discussions got heated my impulse was to leave and several times I shouted for not seeing an end to the discussion. Via message i did not feel like responding given what i wanted was a real calm conversation. I asked for time until I finished my exams and when I came back she no longer wanted to feel dismissed and hurt by my tone.
Thanks
9:27 show that’s there’s acceptance & not judgement. And be more open with his activities. To be more mindful. if these type of thing becomes unhealthy these types of things would be open to discussion.
What if the deeply hurt avoidant, I cared for, behaves like a covert narcissits, how to know?
As a male avoidant (of various types) I would say it's less about shame and more about not trusting and making myself vulnerable. I genuinely feel that the right person will deserve my trust and by default most of my walls will come down. It's yet to happen so wish me luck!
Thank you, Thais ❤
Is a relationship reset same as needing space ? That’s what my DA suggested . After I Caught him lying to me about seeing other women again . He believe being upfront and honest cause more harm . 😢those were his exact words. I can tell when he distance . I will ask is everything ok he would say yes and be lying we even talked about his lies and he said moving forward he will be honest . and look where we are I snapped because he was dismissing my needs and caught him lying again . Ughhh 😢 he said he didn’t like my behavior. Sir I just caught you lying again !!!
Hi Thais! I have a very concrete question, you may could help me with.
First of all thank you so much for your work! I am on my healing journey and have already learned so much through your videos.
My question is: How do I communicate my needs and boundaries to a fearful avoidant without pressuring them in the sense of "expectations"?
I learned that an FA can be easily triggered by expectations since they already have very high expectations on themselfs. However, I regularly feel the need to communicate boundaries and needs with this person because I can feel very overwhelmed or exhausted by their switching between anxious and avoidant behaviors. When I communicate a boundary or need, it is followed by an expectation from my side that those are reapected.
Of course if someone has experience with this kind of situation, I would be glad to get some advice.^^
Thank You
I have a question...Why would a securely attached person even entertain dating an avoidant? Genuinely interested in peoples answers to this!
Ok so how do you deal with a partner shutting down unexpectedly, being condescending and shaming you when they feel triggered, ashamed and rejected ? There is wayyy more than using creature comforts!
Hello i am watching because I have a relative and friend who behave this way.
How would it work me watching this in that respect? Because i understand most people watch due to their romantic partner/ lover
Thank you ❤
Honestly, I wouldn’t waste my time. I tried everything and spent two years reading books, was a member of Thais’ school for a year, implemented strategies. My DA was a friend/crush only. I wish I could go back time and put myself first and just let him be. It’s an investment with no return. I feel like a fool.
@@katalinmcewan thank you for your response. I totally hear you and I understand it is frustrating. Makes us look like fools or weak going back and forth. End of 👍🏽🎉
Hi Thais. Could you do a video on relationship control. You meant it in this video, in relation to occurring 2 years in. Thanks
Great video
I can't be controlled and won't ever be ,, do my own thing ,, he's bpd too
12:11 normalize “comfort creatures”
What is it happens abruptly and you aren’t 100% sure what activated that shame/dismissiveness ?
It’s been a little over a week since I’ve last heard from her. Everything was great but I did feel some pulling away. Is it too late to communicate with her?
I love my avoidant partner how can I help him he just stops talking to me and it hurts please help
There is always a reason why an avoidant would stop talking to you. And it's usually not just one reason. They have a basket, you see, where they put "evidences" of why you are not "safe" enough for them. They could've seen something in you that scared them or you had inadvertently hurt their feelings. They grew up feeling unworthy of love and consideration, so their tendency as adults is to recoil deep into their shells instead of standing up for themselves and risk being told that they deserved to be hurt or to suffer, which is more painful than being alone.
I have an idea. If you're an avoidant type person, don't bother with relationships and messing people up.
How about you pay more attention to your partners actually learn who they are before committing to a person that you have invented Nobody's Perfect and I love my avoidant he's an absolute remarkable human
If you are a person that holds grudges and resentments towards an entire demographic, chance is, YOU are the issue.
@@tishawatiker2473
THANK YOU.
*Typical* Dismissive Avoidants aren't usually the ones put there beating down doors & insisting on being given a chance.
Too many people need to get to know people more before diving into over-romanticized or over-sexualized comittments.
People put on blinders to the *actual person* behind whatever traits they are attracted toward... then expect that *actual person* to be their idea, & only those favored traits... which will actually make an avoidant more difficult from feeling misunderstood or dismissed as a person.
Dismissives often have a hard time walking away, because they feel like this might be the best they can attract... this person might not want them for who they are, but at least someone wants parts of them. So that might be worth being half-rejected... rejection is their norm, so... more of the same, maybe with sex sometimes.😅
I second this.
I can sum this up quickly. What are they doing? They're trying to find your replacement or already cheating on you. They can't hear they did something wrong or you want to discuss an issue about the relationship. You'll get the silent treatment and they'll start a fight with you over nothing so they can go spend time securing the other backup or be with the other person.
Don’t project your personal experience onto everyone else. I like my privacy, not because I’m cheating or securing a back up but because I respect other people’s, including my partners, space and privacy. Don’t snoop through my nightstand, or spare room, or closet, finding my journal and reading it. I keep no secrets but every person has the right to keep a piece of themselves to themselves and know someone isn’t going to demand explanation for who you are. Again, I’m not talking about betrayal…just allowing me to be me.
@@tandaolson4150 Did you watch this video and the other 20 Thais has done on DA? It's not my personal opinion, it's a fact.
You're not cheating, but your boyfriend better not get in your journal or your nightstand. Why not, what's in it he shouldn't see? You keep no secrets so why can't they see in your journal 🍌🥕
@@tandaolson4150your a woman I think men can be different
I bet you never ask your partner any questions about his life because you don't want him asking you questions. That's what you call respecting someone's privacy?
Why are you so secretive?
The girlfriend was in the way of me avoiding him because she wanted to watch us.
Too many ads. 🔕
...and in summary: CAN'T be trusted!
The comments here are so unfair. Avoidants need and want love, but they haven't found the world to be a safe place. They protect themselves bc they believe you will ultimately reject them, as you are here. Poor character is different from avoidant behavior due to trauma. Just sayin'.
Goddamnit, avoidant attachment style and avoidant personality disorder ARE NOT THE SAME THING. Also, stop using reductive language such as "the avoidant" and "my avoidant." As someone with AvPD, I am a human being and I am not someone's pet or property. This attachment style bullshit is causing a lot of harm in terms of ending the stigma.
❤❤
Let me describe how a 10 year marriage with a DA woman looks like:
a) she came to live with me but she NEVER IN 10 YEARS let me visit her own home
b) she NEVER IN 10 YEARS let me visit her place of work (she works alone in a private office)
c) she only let me meet her mother TWICE IN 10 YEARS, in a restaurant, not at her home
d) she only allowed me to meet a friend of her’s ONCE IN 10 YEARS
e) she only initiated sex ONCE IN 10 YEARS, and that was when she was suddenly in panic to have a child
f) sex, intimacy, physical touch, romance, almost non-existent
Thais, I would appreciate your thoughts.
She does not love you
This isn’t easy. I had a woman similar to this. And we have been separated for over a year. The answers will be found when you look within your self. Learn about speaking your needs and wants. And accept that you get what you allow in your life. At the end, you know deep down you deserve better. So in that case that’s what you have to strive for. with yourself, that person , or someone else.
Why are you accepting crumbs? Why are you accepting the bare minimum? What we permit we promote. Problem is not with her, it’s with you for continuing in such a dynamic
She doesn’t sound like an avoidant to me. I mean sure she could be, but we cannot attribute all of her weirdness to being an avoidant
See now I bet you're an anxious attachment or even an FA because ten years is long time to endure this.
I'd say it's time to think about your own needs.
Cause they're doing BS
Give it a rest they suck cause.. narcissist..? Lmao
they need space to CHEAT
Such a pity that you put all these distracting videos behind your message.
Your message is powerful enough! It gets even more powerful when there is not so much movement and new pictures. Because then the listeners can concentrate and integrate your message.
Only people who have low value content need to add music or action scenes into their videos. Low value or superficial content needs distraction. You don't need that!
Who ever gave you advice on that, is no real professional!
PLEASE get back to your former style and show your beautiful face. 🙏