I feel like so many anxiously attached people don't seem to put together that that extreme overwhelming feeling of discomfort that makes them want to chase is the EXACT same discomfort felt by avoidants when they feel like they can't escape you long enough to breathe for a while and reset themselves. Once I put that together, it made it so much easier to give them space, and it's paid off.
That is well said. But at the cost of what ? Yeah you can give avoidant space , but then what about you not knowing if this person actually even likes you or not. Sometimes a secure person could feel discomfort and confused and disturbed by the fact that the avoidant is sending mixed signals and you have no idea what to make of it. That’s when the anxious person reaches out to DA or even FA And that could be an ick or them feeling like they are getting strangled or even forced. There is no need of the mind games just be clear and communicate what you want rather than keeping someone on the hook because you are unsure about your feelings. The person on the receiving end would feel they are being taken for granted and not appreciated. But I understand your point of view. I would give in for a DA or even FA as long as I knew we have a future together , but the fact that you don’t even know if the other person loves you to begin with contradicts the whole thing and is unfair to you.
It's still amazing that people can watch these videos, hear that DA's are operating on a sub-conscious level due to childhood trauma - But still feel the need to say hateful things about them. Surprise, you people likely aren't much better partners.
avoidants could just as easily go on the videos about anxious types and comment, "boy these people sound desperate and gross, avoid them like the plague, find someone secure to love you 👍" if they cared enough to watch videos on attachment 😅 it's a joke guys relax lol
You said the "DA wants to be accepted as they are".. " As they are" , is absolutely not conductive to having healthy, stable , safe , compatible , relationships.. Do they really feel " as the are" should be acceptable within a healthy connection.?...Only after you choose to heal your childhood issues , I will happily revisit your evolution being the new version of yourself.
@@Align45 I mean fair, but isn't it clear why they start from that point if they have been focused on being self-sufficient the whole time? The internal consistency of the DA viewpoint is the part that is hard to escape, or even to see from within that existence.
I'm pregnant, depressed, stressed out with work and my DA partner has been nothing but partying and now I've found out that he's possibly cheated on me. I'm so done with DAs.
@@bridony225 I'm pretty sure that he isn't a narcissist. He doesn't do any of this to hurt me on purpose and overall, he's a calm, lovely human being. He runs from every complication instead of dealing with them (classic DA) and _any_ type of commitment (like planning a date several days ahead) stresses him out, and he's like that with almost everyone except his brother. But yeah, I end up getting hurt A LOT. The past months were especially painful and lonely.
Avoiding THEMSELVES 💪🏻 and only DA/ FA can grab THEMSELVES out of that Attachment Trauma, ACE's , ADHD Auto tune layer. It's comfy to stay in that position and avoid that inner work. Here comes out casual dating, fear of expressing emotions, being emotionally unavailable vailable, no commitment etc. My advice - focus on your healing and your boundaries. Don't settle for less. You just have one life and you deserve also deserve a healthy relationship and actions towards you.
The HUGE TAKEWAY from today's video for me was: Dismissive Avoidants avoid THEMSELVES. It all goes downhill from there... so perhaps if we break the vicious circle, this has to be Archimedes' lever, and it's the very path to going uphill. Beautiful Thais, Thank you.
As a person who fell in love, dated and got left by a DA woman I agree. I think I understand her, at least I'm not angry at her. She did her best to understand me and in the end it did not work out. Just wanted to spread some positivity in these comments.
I had my avoidant ex GF tell me when I first meet her we can’t disagree at all. lol I didn’t really understand this but I didn’t understand attachment styles. Wow only if I did I would have saved a year of trouble with her. So many red flags with her that now I hear on PDS. Save your time and don’t date avoidants.
Those aren’t avoidant traits. Avoidants don’t typically tell you what you can and can’t do. Actually most avoidants try to please you before it gets to be too much and they ghost you. Sounds like she may have had narcissistic traits more than DA traits
This! My husband says this all the time. That he doesn't want any more conflicts ever. That he wants to "fix it" so we never disagree about anything. Sigh. Where do they get the idea that that is even possible?
That was so helpful, thank you. I love your analysis - particularly the bank account rang true and not being able to express themselves. Wish I had known all of this many years ago.
That just means you are with someone who isn't all that into you. When avoidants find their person, they commit, and all insecure attachment styles can have people on back burner.
@@anzelaivAPs generally don’t have back burner people. They’re known for overly committing extremely early and becoming consumed by their relationships. But the avoidants do, yes. Each insecure attachment style has its issues & behaviors. But Anxious-Preoccupied relational behavior isn’t analogous to Avoidant (either kind) relational behavior. And it’s OK to say that.
They will commit, they just have to be safe to do so. I always advise people to date and do their own thing but don’t shut the avoidant out. If you preoccupy yourself with other things, the avoidant will come in closer. I like to think of them as a skittish cat lmao 🤣. Just leave it alone and eventually they will come to you purring and demanding you pet them 😂
I'd say these three are definitely spot on. I remember telling my AP ex something she said she wanted to know, but apparently she didn't quite understand my words. She told me she wished I'd just hit her and get it over with. In response, I kept her at arm's length for the rest of the relationship so I could really watch her behavior from them on out. My father died while we were in a relationship and she kept asking me questions about how I was handling it. I told her I was fine, but she was annoyed I wouldn't show any emotion (at least that's what I could gather). Personally, I don't see a problem with being stoic. The old adage, "never let them see you sweat" should be adhered to everyone, including romantic partners. All that said, I'm so glad I have a supportive FA who understands me. While she initially had a problem with me (in her words) "not being vulnerable," she's learned that it's part of my personality to be stoic whilst discussing problems and SOLUTIONS as opposed to feelings (although I let her share hers all she wants). In addition, she's such a breath of fresh air as she has her own life and this maintains her own autonomy.
You can see this on the threads too. When someone in their significant other's life passes, they seem uncomfortable that their partner isn't reacting emotionally or they need quiet to process it. It's bizarre to me that they are looking for a reaction out of them. Why is that? We all handle death differently.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes yep, as we've determined many times, APs are convinced that how they respond is how everyone should respond. Otherwise something is wrong with them. 🤷🏿♂️
You don’t want your own partner to “see you sweat”?” That’s odd. You don’t have to go through life alone. It’s beautiful to share your feelings with others. I don’t know what I would do if my partner refuses to share his emotions with me and keeps all to himself. Not much connecting going on.
@@Sarafara7 "connection" seems to vary from woman to woman in my dating experience. Some women say they feel connected with me even when I don't share much about myself with them and others claim to NOT feel connected despite me telling them everything. Despite this confusing dynamic, women have shown consistency in not truly wanting men to share theirs feelings regardless of how much they say they want that. I share problems and solutions and the women I date seem to be satisfied with that.
@@sifublack192 your experience is valid. I think sharing how you are feeling is connecting across the board. I personally never heard someone say they feel connected but know nothing about the other person. It depends if the man is oversharing. Even for women, oversharing is unattractive. I’ve talked to several men who were “sensitive,” but all they did was show how they couldn’t handle their emotions, they were too open.
Stay in NC. Just because you understand why he does it, doesn't mean he'll change. This is coming from someone who knowingly married a DA. I love him, but it is constant work to try and stay connected and not feel hurt by his continual need for distance. If you are healing, find someone who is also healed or on a journey to healing.
I am an Anxious and my partner is Avoidant but what confuses me is that she got really triggered about some things and i started working on my self a month ago and she even acknowledged how immerse the change and how fast. She never broke up with me but she was distant and currently we live in different counties. The last conversation we had she went on full panic mode as soon she mention breaking up and i had to calm her down by making her do some breathing work. I suggested since she never really took some time for her self and clearly she don't wont to lose me by the way she acting to do some no contact since i was every other day trying to reach out. I though it would be good for her to relax and get some space and for her to finally be able to feel her feelings without fear. When i mentioned that she start panicking again what if but i want to know how you doing and how's your new job going etc. I took that again as a positive since all i read and heard is that if avoidant wants to break up they just do. I never saw any video mentioning something similar to my situation. Do you think no contact will be good in my case?
@@eppsislike I did after i did my self work and changed i set some boundaries in a heatlhy way and she took it well but she was way to triggered by my actions previously so i suggested no contact for a bit to make things better
I told my DA that he is peeing an avocado in a wrong way, that there is a more effective way. He got deeply offended 😂 you cant say anything to them, even as silly as that(criticism about peeling an avocado)
Could you make a video on when the DA tries to reconnect by saying she wants to see our old photos. .. I turned her down by saying I had deleted it. Nd now I feel was that the right thing to say? STILL in no contact after that
No. I've been married to both. Narcs are manipulative and always the victim and controlling. DA's are disconnected from their own emotions and struggle to even know what they are feeling, which causes them to withdraw from connection instinctively out of self-protection. When they are able to understand what they are doing, they are willing to change and work on it. Narcs are never willing to change, well maybe they'll pretend for a while if it suits their purposes, but it never lasts. Narcs also have no core person. It's like a myriad of facades that they wear to get what they want. They are also controlling, especially behind closed doors.
She's not just here to give free advice. She's here to promote her business. Your comment cut off, but if you were saying she should wait til the end, then people will probably click off her video at that point. It's a smart business strategy.
I feel like so many anxiously attached people don't seem to put together that that extreme overwhelming feeling of discomfort that makes them want to chase is the EXACT same discomfort felt by avoidants when they feel like they can't escape you long enough to breathe for a while and reset themselves. Once I put that together, it made it so much easier to give them space, and it's paid off.
Damn… wow. I needed to hear that
That is well said. But at the cost of what ? Yeah you can give avoidant space , but then what about you not knowing if this person actually even likes you or not. Sometimes a secure person could feel discomfort and confused and disturbed by the fact that the avoidant is sending mixed signals and you have no idea what to make of it. That’s when the anxious person reaches out to DA or even FA And that could be an ick or them feeling like they are getting strangled or even forced. There is no need of the mind games just be clear and communicate what you want rather than keeping someone on the hook because you are unsure about your feelings. The person on the receiving end would feel they are being taken for granted and not appreciated. But I understand your point of view.
I would give in for a DA or even FA as long as I knew we have a future together , but the fact that you don’t even know if the other person loves you to begin with contradicts the whole thing and is unfair to you.
It's still amazing that people can watch these videos, hear that DA's are operating on a sub-conscious level due to childhood trauma - But still feel the need to say hateful things about them. Surprise, you people likely aren't much better partners.
True.. the other partner usually is reacting out of hurt and not love/ empathy
avoidants could just as easily go on the videos about anxious types and comment, "boy these people sound desperate and gross, avoid them like the plague, find someone secure to love you 👍" if they cared enough to watch videos on attachment 😅
it's a joke guys relax lol
@@slick_Ric TBH that's unfortunately what a lot of the man-sphere "MGTOW" type videos are, actually. It's just a different corner of the internet.
You said the "DA wants to be accepted as they are".. " As they are" , is absolutely not conductive to having healthy, stable , safe , compatible , relationships.. Do they really feel " as the are" should be acceptable within a healthy connection.?...Only after you choose to heal your childhood issues , I will happily revisit your evolution being the new version of yourself.
Most are not willing to do the work. They want “easy”
@@Align45 I mean fair, but isn't it clear why they start from that point if they have been focused on being self-sufficient the whole time? The internal consistency of the DA viewpoint is the part that is hard to escape, or even to see from within that existence.
I'm pregnant, depressed, stressed out with work and my DA partner has been nothing but partying and now I've found out that he's possibly cheated on me.
I'm so done with DAs.
Oh my god. I’m so sorry to read this!
I'm really sorry
I'm so sorry. That's terrible. Are you sure he's not more in the narcissist category? Sure sounds like it.
Thank you guys, all of you. 💝
@@bridony225 I'm pretty sure that he isn't a narcissist. He doesn't do any of this to hurt me on purpose and overall, he's a calm, lovely human being. He runs from every complication instead of dealing with them (classic DA) and _any_ type of commitment (like planning a date several days ahead) stresses him out, and he's like that with almost everyone except his brother.
But yeah, I end up getting hurt A LOT. The past months were especially painful and lonely.
Doing God's work in healing people at large
I used “I feel disconnected “ and still got discarded after 1 year. Heartbreaking
Reciprocal appreciation for your high level efforts and dedication in your field of expertise
Avoiding THEMSELVES 💪🏻 and only DA/ FA can grab THEMSELVES out of that Attachment Trauma, ACE's , ADHD Auto tune layer. It's comfy to stay in that position and avoid that inner work. Here comes out casual dating, fear of expressing emotions, being emotionally unavailable vailable, no commitment etc. My advice - focus on your healing and your boundaries. Don't settle for less. You just have one life and you deserve also deserve a healthy relationship and actions towards you.
The HUGE TAKEWAY from today's video for me was: Dismissive Avoidants avoid THEMSELVES.
It all goes downhill from there... so perhaps if we break the vicious circle, this has to be Archimedes' lever, and it's the very path to going uphill.
Beautiful Thais, Thank you.
I love your analogy about the bank account.... This definitely is relatable!
As a DA woman I've learn so much about myself from you ❤
As a person who fell in love, dated and got left by a DA woman I agree. I think I understand her, at least I'm not angry at her. She did her best to understand me and in the end it did not work out. Just wanted to spread some positivity in these comments.
@@maruxarn great vibe!
I had my avoidant ex GF tell me when I first meet her we can’t disagree at all. lol I didn’t really understand this but I didn’t understand attachment styles. Wow only if I did I would have saved a year of trouble with her. So many red flags with her that now I hear on PDS. Save your time and don’t date avoidants.
Those aren’t avoidant traits. Avoidants don’t typically tell you what you can and can’t do. Actually most avoidants try to please you before it gets to be too much and they ghost you. Sounds like she may have had narcissistic traits more than DA traits
This! My husband says this all the time. That he doesn't want any more conflicts ever. That he wants to "fix it" so we never disagree about anything. Sigh. Where do they get the idea that that is even possible?
That was so helpful, thank you. I love your analysis - particularly the bank account rang true and not being able to express themselves. Wish I had known all of this many years ago.
You forgot secret number 4 is that they secretly have you on the back burner because they won’t commit to you.
That just means you are with someone who isn't all that into you. When avoidants find their person, they commit, and all insecure attachment styles can have people on back burner.
@@anzelaivAPs generally don’t have back burner people. They’re known for overly committing extremely early and becoming consumed by their relationships. But the avoidants do, yes. Each insecure attachment style has its issues & behaviors. But Anxious-Preoccupied relational behavior isn’t analogous to Avoidant (either kind) relational behavior. And it’s OK to say that.
It’s not just you they won’t commit to anyone.
They will commit, they just have to be safe to do so. I always advise people to date and do their own thing but don’t shut the avoidant out. If you preoccupy yourself with other things, the avoidant will come in closer. I like to think of them as a skittish cat lmao 🤣. Just leave it alone and eventually they will come to you purring and demanding you pet them 😂
@@Darkempress45 I’ve been dealing with the avoidance for 18 months I had enough. There’s no excuse to do the work to heal.
I'd say these three are definitely spot on. I remember telling my AP ex something she said she wanted to know, but apparently she didn't quite understand my words. She told me she wished I'd just hit her and get it over with. In response, I kept her at arm's length for the rest of the relationship so I could really watch her behavior from them on out.
My father died while we were in a relationship and she kept asking me questions about how I was handling it. I told her I was fine, but she was annoyed I wouldn't show any emotion (at least that's what I could gather). Personally, I don't see a problem with being stoic. The old adage, "never let them see you sweat" should be adhered to everyone, including romantic partners.
All that said, I'm so glad I have a supportive FA who understands me. While she initially had a problem with me (in her words) "not being vulnerable," she's learned that it's part of my personality to be stoic whilst discussing problems and SOLUTIONS as opposed to feelings (although I let her share hers all she wants). In addition, she's such a breath of fresh air as she has her own life and this maintains her own autonomy.
You can see this on the threads too. When someone in their significant other's life passes, they seem uncomfortable that their partner isn't reacting emotionally or they need quiet to process it. It's bizarre to me that they are looking for a reaction out of them. Why is that? We all handle death differently.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes yep, as we've determined many times, APs are convinced that how they respond is how everyone should respond. Otherwise something is wrong with them. 🤷🏿♂️
You don’t want your own partner to “see you sweat”?” That’s odd. You don’t have to go through life alone. It’s beautiful to share your feelings with others. I don’t know what I would do if my partner refuses to share his emotions with me and keeps all to himself. Not much connecting going on.
@@Sarafara7 "connection" seems to vary from woman to woman in my dating experience. Some women say they feel connected with me even when I don't share much about myself with them and others claim to NOT feel connected despite me telling them everything. Despite this confusing dynamic, women have shown consistency in not truly wanting men to share theirs feelings regardless of how much they say they want that. I share problems and solutions and the women I date seem to be satisfied with that.
@@sifublack192 your experience is valid. I think sharing how you are feeling is connecting across the board. I personally never heard someone say they feel connected but know nothing about the other person.
It depends if the man is oversharing. Even for women, oversharing is unattractive. I’ve talked to several men who were “sensitive,” but all they did was show how they couldn’t handle their emotions, they were too open.
Thais! You make me feel sorry for him all over again when I’ve been in NC for a month! 😢
Stay in NC. Just because you understand why he does it, doesn't mean he'll change. This is coming from someone who knowingly married a DA. I love him, but it is constant work to try and stay connected and not feel hurt by his continual need for distance. If you are healing, find someone who is also healed or on a journey to healing.
@@bridony225 I am secure attachment. I guess it makes a big difference when you’re married, live together. 😢🙏
I am an Anxious and my partner is Avoidant but what confuses me is that she got really triggered about some things and i started working on my self a month ago and she even acknowledged how immerse the change and how fast. She never broke up with me but she was distant and currently we live in different counties. The last conversation we had she went on full panic mode as soon she mention breaking up and i had to calm her down by making her do some breathing work. I suggested since she never really took some time for her self and clearly she don't wont to lose me by the way she acting to do some no contact since i was every other day trying to reach out. I though it would be good for her to relax and get some space and for her to finally be able to feel her feelings without fear. When i mentioned that she start panicking again what if but i want to know how you doing and how's your new job going etc. I took that again as a positive since all i read and heard is that if avoidant wants to break up they just do. I never saw any video mentioning something similar to my situation. Do you think no contact will be good in my case?
Is that a Fearful Avoidant? It doesn't sound like what I would expect from a DA, personally
@@MilesIncognito That's what im trying to figure out and i am stack on how to proceed.
@@MilesIncognito definitely sounds more fearful.
@@eppsislike I did after i did my self work and changed i set some boundaries in a heatlhy way and she took it well but she was way to triggered by my actions previously so i suggested no contact for a bit to make things better
Boundaries and getting space is all painful when you love someone. We are fearful if we think we are losing someone.
Oh DA... I know alot of people are hurt and give up on DAs. I feel a lot of compassion for them even though it's sad and frustrating.
Thais is great at explaining DAs inner world!!
Holy moly ❤️❤️❤️ your truth behind criticism
What about them dating a lot of people at the same time.
Thanks for sharing this video with us ❤
Maybe they cant afford the relationship level that you can. They aren't doing the work and that costs a lot but others do it
I told my DA that he is peeing an avocado in a wrong way, that there is a more effective way. He got deeply offended 😂 you cant say anything to them, even as silly as that(criticism about peeling an avocado)
Could you make a video on when the DA tries to reconnect by saying she wants to see our old photos. .. I turned her down by saying I had deleted it. Nd now I feel was that the right thing to say? STILL in no contact after that
This is another name for a narc or bpd?
No. I've been married to both. Narcs are manipulative and always the victim and controlling. DA's are disconnected from their own emotions and struggle to even know what they are feeling, which causes them to withdraw from connection instinctively out of self-protection. When they are able to understand what they are doing, they are willing to change and work on it. Narcs are never willing to change, well maybe they'll pretend for a while if it suits their purposes, but it never lasts. Narcs also have no core person. It's like a myriad of facades that they wear to get what they want. They are also controlling, especially behind closed doors.
Honestly who else gets pissed off with the big sell halfway through the video .... please leave it to the
She's not just here to give free advice. She's here to promote her business. Your comment cut off, but if you were saying she should wait til the end, then people will probably click off her video at that point. It's a smart business strategy.
You have the ability to skip if you don’t like it
:)