I can get very emotionally fixated and start spiralling with upset or anger. I realised this was happening less around my husband and asked him why. Apparently he has been distracting me with hugs, blocking my line-of-sight to whatever triggered the spiral, and lobbing gentle non-confrontational distractions at me. Once I'm out of the spiral we can handle the actual problem. I love him so much!
I relate so hard to the "are you okay" thing - I hear that a lot from people when I am intensely focused on headthoughts/or even just doing a special interest that isn't verbal/soundmaking - I know I have resting bitchface, but it's really just me unmasked and in my own thoughts enough to not be trying to put on a specific expression. Also: alexithymia and dampened emotions - there are a lot of emotions (mostly on the anger side) that just don't look like what people expect. I don't get "angry", I get resigned, sad and slightly disappointed - sometimes it takes me months to sort out a feeling, and sometimes the feeling never comes, despite an impression that I "should" feel a certain way.
Oh my god…it wasn’t until reading your comment that I realized I do have some alexithymia 😨 it’s nearly impossible for me to access/identify anger, it’s almost like static to me. I’ve also found value in The Feeling Wheel/Wheel of Emotions and the book Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown. Having language to apply to these sensations I experience has been helpful.
This is me also. I have had some ppl be like why do u look sad, and one person said I looked serene 😆 that was nice 😄 but I've tried to explain to my therapist before that I rarely feel Anger. I have high highs & low lows for emotion but anger is something that rarely shows up. If it does (in an occurrence within last 2 year period) it looked like hot white heat and is so hot, it's cold & I was literally physically frozen in place for a very long time with rage. But its a very foreign feeling.
I can absolutely relate to this. My wife actually gets mad at me when she loses her temper because I remain so calm. Like it makes her feel as if she's completely out of control over something that doesn't even faze me. And I can understand how that would be frustrating, but I'm definitely not making a conscious choice to do it. I know I feel something. I am bothered by the fact that she is losing her temper... but I don't feel "anger". I just kind of shut down and don't want to speak. It's like there is this fog that goes over my mind and my thoughts are racing but I just can't settle on anything to say. At that point I just want to be alone in my head.
@@Soffenoffe I learned something helpful last year from a therapist - they told me that anger is usually a secondary emotion covering either fear or sadness, and since I easily access fear/sadness (despair, panic, terror, etc.) and pretty much live there 95% of the time, that's why I don't really feel anger, even when anger would better serve the situation. A lot of my feelings are "logic-ed through" like, someone will do something terrible to me and I'll think "yeah, this is happening. I think people feel [anger] when this happens, but here it is: The Thing just ...happening. Okay." I also learned that anger isn't necessarily aggression, and the uncomfortability I feel when others are angry (fear, usually) is because I percieve/mistake anger as aggression, and that trips my fight-or-flight. (Which is made up of very little fight, mostly flight, freeze and a whole lot of fawn).
Ha ha. My wife, “Did you hear me?” Me: “Yes, give me a minute. I’m thinking.” We’re working on the pause so that I have time to process and she doesn’t feel like her question just hit a blank wall. She’s also helping by being much more specific when describing things and talking about schedules. Im very lucky and grateful for her. In many ways things were easier and less stressful when I was single, but things are much fuller and better with her. She’s a good human. I can think I’m doing just fine and then a migraine will hit. My ability to manage will go in the toilet. We are still trying to find the right medication for me so that the headaches are reduced and I don’t feel crazy dizzy. I started having headaches (and nose bleeds) at around 5 or 6…you know…when I started school. Go figure.
I like how you described being single vs. in a relationship. And yes, so much stress with school. I experienced a lot of health issues with that as well.
The alone time made me feel like I was weaker or more abnormal since I would feel better after a Mommy Timeout session. I would literally hide in the bathroom from my own children because they are *unintentionally* DEMANDING, HIGH ENERGY, and sometimes CONFUSING to me. I couldn't understand why they always want to be around me. Always. It's so nice to find a late-diagnosed Autism Mom to learn from. I'm currently considering getting officially diagnosed, since my daughter will be tested soon (we both check off a lot of the symptoms). At least if I truly am Autistic, my daughter and I will be able to go through it together and bond better. I don't feel bad for myself, but I do feel more anxiety and guilt that she may have gotten it from me. If TMI, sorry but you are relatable and I'm appreciating that you shared your videos!
I'm a delayed processor with alexithymia, too, and I zone out in conversation with my partner, too. For the first thirty-five years of our relationship, this was really hard for both of us. But for the past five years, we've figured out what I can say to let him know that I'm just processing. One thing that really works for us is that he likes word play and I like echolalia, and we're both learning languages, so verbal play is a fun part of every day.
I can totally relate on so many levels! I tend to zone out and have delayed responses to situations too. I definitely identify as an empath and one thing that has been challenging over the years for us is how much I take on other people's problems and emotions. One thing that has helped with that has been practicing mindfulness with my therapist (she also moonlights as yoga teacher lol!) That has been so great as I tend to get caught up in the "what ifs" of life rather than living in the present. Thanks for another heartfelt video! ❤️
Hi Tay, another great one. I love how you say “I’m on my head! That is the exact phrase that I use when I am in that space. I always have tons of things that I am thinking about all of the time. From the minute I wake up my thoughts are in full swing! I have been asking friends as well as my partner if they are constantly working on stuff and everyone says no. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have no thoughts. Sometimes its a bare because I feel like I am not in the world, but other times its a comfort to have my thoughts going. The social thing is a big deal for me but fortunately my partner has a little bit of social anxiety so he completely understands. Though he is not on my level! For instance we have a Birthday party to go to tonight so I of course have anxiety about it. So I have looked up the venue where we are going so I can understand the structure of the place. Where things are, where will I park etc. Not knowing things about gatherings is a big anxiety thing for me. You mentioned your facial expressions and I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but I was always told I looked sad. So now I always shoot a smile at anyone that I see. I doesn’t matter how I am feeling, I just shoot that smile😀. I am so enjoying your videos I appreciate your open honest approach! Thanks again for posting!
I smile all the time at people too even if I’m not feeling it and sometimes I feel like people are confused by it! I’m always worried I have a resting mad face. As far as thinning as soon as you wake up - YES! I spend so much time studying meditation and mindfulness. One teacher says that right before you open your eyes in the morning there is a brief period of no thought. Not for me!!! I feel like every day I wake up into a stream of consciousness that never shut off, even when I was sleeping. I wake up until fully formed thoughts and ideas even before I open my eyes, and I’m learning to accept with meditation that my thoughts just might churn more than others. It’s a challenge for sure!
I can really relate to the delayed processing during conversations/ arguments with my husband!,I need time to get away by myself and go over the situation and figure things out. I also can relate to my relationship with my husband being my most cherished relationship and that it does have its challenges but I’m so glad he is willing to accept me and make things work. I am truly blessed.
This is an interesting topic! My girlfriend is also autistic and that has its own perks and challenges. I do relate to some of the things you are saying here though! I think a big challenge we face is when one of us is overstimulated and the other under-stimulated. (Ex: I want total silence and calm while she is goofily/loudly oral stimming) The mismatch is quite funny in hindsight. Though it can be tricky and I’ve found that separating at those moments to meet each of our needs is most helpful. Then we return replenished! I will say we have gotten really good at helping each other with autistic struggles and I feel so supported by her in meltdown because I know she knows exactly how I feel ❤ I think time and diagnosis is so helpful for learning how to best navigate autistic-specific needs in relationships
Tay, thank you for having the courage to make these videos! I was also diagnosed later in life (33) with level 1 ASD. Masking, imposter syndrome, and slower processing - especially emotionally - definitely has presented challenges in my own life. I think it is partly because people with "higher functioning" ASD have been conditioned to think in terms of their neurotypical(NT)-strawman/mask to not stand out. To produce a ASD-to-NT-tranliteration, emotionally or otherwise, takes time; and an ASD individual may miss out on making stimulus/stressor-emotional connections by logically solving conflict through this NT-strawman/mask. This is just my opinion, but hopefully someone finds it helpful.
As I think about my own struggles with stifling my emotions, I’m super sad for how often “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” has been misinterpreted and hurt people who are genuinely suffering. The way I understand it, "anger" is both a messenger and a neurological response. First I need to pay attention to the message. (What values or losses are being threatened?) Once I've heard anger's message, I can choose to address the issue at a later time, maybe after time to rest, mentally consolidate, and think creatively. Then (if I’m not in immediate danger), not letting the sun go down on my anger means shifting my focus to resolving my body's stress response. That a jacked-up physiological state of anger inhibits both my rest and my ability to think creatively. It can also make me feel justified in all sorts of unhelpful behaviors. I have a fire alarm in my building that displays a digital message. Once I read the message, I shut the alarm bell off because who can think straight with all that racket? “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” to me means to receive the message, then let the physiological alarm bell turn off. I don't think it ever meant to resolve all questions, make all decisions, or take all actions that day. Graciously, the phrase isn’t, “snuff out your anger like a candle,” but talks about sundown. Sundown takes 30-60 minutes. For me, it takes time and some deliberate practices to resolve my stress response, and I think it’s right to give my body the time it needs. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” is a kindness, especially to people like me on the spectrum who get overwhelmed and tend to ignore what my body is trying to say and what it needs.
I can relate to most of what you said, but I immediately cried when you introduced the word alexithymia. This has been a huge struggle in communication break downs in my relationships with others and I never knew there was a word for it. Knowing that now means that its more than just me or just a few other people, its actually a thing and not just something wrong with me. Thank you for sharing your truths.
so encouraging! particularly that your were at 600 subscribers! and look at your channel now! As a songwriter I have struggled for so long to find an audience for my music and discovering that I am "neuro divergent" has helped hugely in having compassion for myself and patience. Thank you!
“Entertaining myself quietly” omg I do this. I also take time to process and get upset; I always struggled with that… both my partner and I are like that. I think he’s way more pacific than I am though, I will speak up trying to understand the “issue”, my partner just brushes it off (he doesn’t want to argue and rarely gets upset) I’m so glad to have found your channel 💛
I get so much from your videos. Especially the relationship ones. I'd love to know if your husband has a support group. As a mostly neurotypical married to an unofficial (she hates labels) woman on the spectrum, I would love to discuss strategies and understanding with him.
Great suggestions! Thanks for the feedback. My husband intentionally spends time pretty regularly with his two closest friends. I think that is very helpful for him. I think it’s important for him to get out of the house and have his own experiences that aren’t affected by ND living! Me and both the kids are on the spectrum so I know sometimes that has to be overwhelming. I love personality tests! And the enneagram. I’m a 1 on the enneagram with a 2 wing, and I’m interested in retaking the Myers Briggs test now that I have more self awareness. I haven’t delved into that since my college years. Thanks for these suggestions!
I'm INTP very accurate my wife is ISFP also pretty accurate. The NT and SF types have personality and thinking contrasts that I think/hope can be complimentary if they're open. I think ISF is probably more common with people on the spectrum. But I haven't looked into it yet. Our son with autism is INTJ. Maybe ND just have diverse personalities like everyone.
autistic here with an ADHDer partner. They can go at a lightening pace with problem solving while I go at a much slower speed. We are vibrating at a different time/frequency and it is hard, very hard. I am also hard to initiate on any projects/solutions. I can imagine all the possibilities in my head, visualize all the things I need to do, but sometimes I'll forget to tell my partner that I am still processing. From the outside, my partner thinks I haven't even approach it because of my anxiety. Ah it's so hard when you have mix neurotype. On the flip side, because we are both neurodivergent and queer, we can carve out a new path and redefine our relationship outside the confines of "heteronormative neurotypical" relationships.
Ah, that's what I thought. I am the ADHD partner and my husband is autistic. I try to bite my tongue and try not to say most of what I want to say, and that helps us communicate. Seems like when I'm feeling depressed and slow and sad, he's the most cheerful and pleasant. But if I am feeling happy and am not policing my words, I yank his mind around in too many directions and it overwhelms him and puts him in a very bad mood. 😢
@@er6730 the way I see an autistic / adhd relationship is we are on the seesaw. When one’s need is met, the other is not. My partner tried to limit themselves and not talk too much for my sake, but I know its not good for them. And when I let them talk I slowly shut down and then burn out. So seesaw. One up one down. And it repeats. Sigh …. Can someone please figure out a way? Lol. We need counselling that specializes in mixed neurotype relationships and are actually inclusive
@@tiffanylin6201 That sort of specific help is SO needed! And I think our situation is quite common. We are attracted to each other because we look at the other one and go, "wow, that person is so strong in the area where I'm weak, very impressive" and combine that with a high tolerance of "weird" on both sides and it's a match!
@@MomontheSpectrum At least it has been 6 months ago and it feels like a lifetime ago in some ways. Plus I literally just found a potential GF that also has ASD and ADHD. I just spoke to her for 12 hours on the phone yesterday and some on FB messenger before that.
For me that's the opposite. I can't go to bed angry. Literally. If I haven't work out my issues I have so much distress and anxiety that I can't find sleep. I need to fix the problem or at least get in a better place with my husband so I can find peace and fall asleep.
Im not in a relationship, but I can totally relate to you . I been struggling to communicate with my family for years Misunderstanding is so frustrating, and trying to socialize and communicate with people you have not met. I always feel awkward small like a mouse
I am curious, if anyone with ASD (adult) has had their personality change after getting COVID? For me, some things are more difficult than it was prior to COVID. These things always bothered me, but now certain sounds bother me even more than it did previously. I am late diagnosed (DSM level 1) with ASD and Alexithymia, in fact I was only officially diagnosed November 2023. I feel like the things (mainly sounds) that bothered me, are quite a bit worse than they were. I'm currently struggling to re-learn who I am as a person and what ASD means to me and how much it has affected my life negatively. Romantic relationships are something I gave up on after my divorce. I don't think I can go through that again.
I'm thankful that more awareness is coming about. My dad wasn't diagnosed until around 25 years into marriage. It makes such a difference. Thanks for what you're doing!
I’ve been a widow for 2 1/2 years now. Only just recently realized I’m probably on the spectrum. I keep wondering if it’s even an option for me to try dating. I’ve got so many issues that I’m dealing with that I feel it is pointless to even try. If I can’t deal with me why would I think someone else would want to? Anyway, I do appreciate you sharing these videos so I can learn how others deal with their issues and maybe I can manage mine better.
I'm a slow processor of verbal words, but I was always expected to respond quickly, so I just throw words out there especially during heated moments. Why wife has ADHD and she'll latch onto one single thing I say and will hyperfocus on that thing and completely ignore all the other things I said that suggest a completely different point I am trying to get to. It's very hard to undo coping mechanisms you've done your whole life.
I don't know how to do it 😢 This is new for me. I masked so long and ended up miserable in all my relationships. I've been alone now for a long time and finally learned how to just deal by myself. Just starting to date again and I am so afraid to say exactly what I need/feel/want because it is sooooo much. I need so much alone time. I need things a very specific way in my home. I need a routine that is also flexible to my health. Just got thorough the first visit and I abandoned most of my needs so I didn't come across nutty but I was left drained, depressed, and near meltdown. I'm afraid I won't be able to be with anyone.
I relate to what you're saying.......my partner has PTSD and anxiety so there's a complication. While I do like to go out and engage with the world it raises his anxiety. He thinks fast, talks fast, he's a large man that uses large gestures and my slowness in responding is a huge issue. I know that I am well and truly loved, so the juice is definitely worth the squeeze. But at times frustrating and exhausting.
I've understood a lot of my relationship results that most would see as a problem haven't been my fault they've been the situations of how often people refuse to read expressions in a new way. But I've repeatedly had to let the few who accurately accepted my company leave me, often due to how serious people consider romantic life. Relationship struggles mine wen't like 0 kids and only 3 teens and then a young adult every now and then.
I'm a delayed processor too. My wife was like your husband. I think it is a blessing being diagnosed because it is a starting point. I didn't discover Till fairly irecently My issues. There are lots of useful tools so use them. I think had I known we might have had better communication rather than let differences turn into passive aggressive actions based on fears of not being loved. I managed 19 years with were. I considered it a blessing but wear the feeling I hurt her too much not being able to share my inner world. I pay you keep the communication up. Oh I am 74 sospeaking from lots of life experience.
Sorry I'm a quiet listener to your videos. I follow but don't usually comment. My husband likes to be on time when we have appointments and be ready to leave the house ahead of time. I cannot come out of my zone. I get ready in the last minute and run out of the house in a hurry. I am usually right on time but he gets so stressed. I have bad time management. My husband is my Swiss clock, my secretary that reminds me what I need to do. I am pretty lost when there isn't someone structuring my schedule. When he talks to me I always say "Just a minute" because I am into something of my own. It's a task for me to come out of my shell and relate to what he has to say.
imagine how difficult has been having a relationship with a guy (not sure If he is allistic or not) who doesn't have the comprehension of my need to stay alone in my room. He started asking if he did something wrong, if I was hidden something to him, and then I start feeling guilty, and forced myself till a meltdown, it was so destructive fort both. Thankfully it's ended now
I learn vocabulary to finally define what is going on with me. I’m certainly a delayed processor and it has been frustrating for my husband. Sometimes it gets sad because i can’t express how happy i am for his or even my own achievements. The good example is when I got an acceptance letter to a PA school and while he was jumping, laughing and crying I had to verbalize my emotions “I feel so happy, I am excited 😐” with almost blank face. Or when he landed a job he was trying to get for a very long time, and I was helping him every step of the way with the interview process. I finally had to fake how happy I was. Even though I was truly happy, but I know it wouldn’t show.
I do not know why but i dont get much out of fidget toys, but i do tend to pick my skin so i like stuff i can peel or tear lol. but usually i just need something heavy, like a quiet mind pillow, to REDUCE my fidgeting
It is possible that there is a very understanding NT person out there for us ND people but it was a night and day difference from when I got with my current partner that is also ND and my former marriage with a NT.
I don't think I wrote it in the guide I provided but if you are trying it out I typically don't ask myself the questions for awareness of my state until around midday as the morning usually can be pretty hectic for me and I view it as sort of a "calibration" phase of the day. Also I typically have coffee in the morning and try not to answer the questions regarding mental health while caffeinated as that will give a falsely higher score of focus and function usually. But overall I've been using that system now for nearly 3 months and I don't ask the questions any more. I still keep my excel document because I am curious about trends and events and that is the scientist in me, but every day I am much more mindful of my limitations and not allowing a bad day to make me feel worse.
Tay, First off, thank you for these insightful posts regarding your experience as a adult with ASD. I am a 43 y/o husband whose been diagnosed with adult adhd 12 months ago and I think my wife has ASD but refuses to get diagnosed. We've been married for over 19 years with two children. Our romantic life before kids was poor and afterwards almost nonexistent. My question(s) are: Have you and your husband found yourselves in the same position and how have you two handled it to be successful in your relationship? Sorry, I know its personal so if you wish not to reply I would understand.
This is weird hearing all this as I am just realizing that I am truly autistic on some level ,it making sense now (my life) but I wanna cry and also smile from knowing there is a reason I'm who I am but frustrating at the same time. I'm not sure what or how I really feel. If that makes any sense at all
Side note: Usually I experience pain listening to people talk. I can't wait for them to stop talking, but while listening to you, I felt better and didn't even notice the time going by.
So in the last few months my husband has realized he has ADHD, & a few days ago I realized I'm autistic & now 90% of our marriage struggles make a LOT more sense! 🤪
I just had a meltdown with severe physical tension from spending time with my partner's family. I had to spend hours trying to relax and reset as a result. The good thing is I caught the meltdown coming on and left before it got extremely bad, but the bad thing is that I was trying to do check in with myself up until then and totally missed that I was in a bad state. Socializing is so difficult and I really am trying to be better about establishing boundaries but the alexithymia makes that very tough.
Fabulous video! Excellent content. I LOVE your headband! We wear a lot of grey and find it soothing. We were just wondering if you ever felt scared to publicly declare yourself ASD or get formal diagnosis because of the risk of child services stepping in??? (We hear a lot of horror stories about people getting their children taken away simply because of the diagnosis of ASD, not any evidence of child abuse. )
Romantic relationship have never been an option to me, because I still see myself as a child, despite I'm in my late 30's. I don't know if it's "normal". I love having alone time since I was a child, but sometimes I wish I had a friend. I never had one because no one wanted to be seen with the weird kid (bullying me was easiest for them).
I’m so sorry to hear this. It makes sense that sometimes you wish you had a friend. Social relationships can be hard to navigate but it’s also not fun to feel lonely. I’m sorry you have experienced this. I can relate to what you’re saying about seeing yourself as a child!
How does anyone express themselves artistically when they live with their significant other and are not comfortable expressing themselves artistically around anyone? I’ve noticed I put a lot of my stimming and self regulation to the side. Any suggestions?
One of the things my husband and I run into is that he likes to connect by asking what I'm thinking when I've been quiet. But if I have to stop what I'm thinking and translate my picture-thoughts into words and then speak them, then I feel frustrated. Often I can't even translate my thoughts into words and so I cannot tell him what I was thinking. :/ I've wondered if learning sign language would help us in this situation because I've heard it uses different brain pathways and it's a pictoral language so maybe it would make things easier?
This is a really interesting thought! If you're both up for learning something new that could be a cool experiment. Let me know what comes of it! I also think in... picture-thoughts? But it's almost not even a picture. The way I described it to my psychologist is a "block of understanding." Sometimes no words or pictures. It just... "is"...
When I got married, I lost all interest in buddy night or friend night or whatever. I was very content to just be with her in the house, every day. We had our separate areas to go to, She had the living room, I had my man cave, so we could either be together or do our separate things. But I never went out. Not into having a social life. Which my mother still doesn't understand. Unless you understand that other guys really irritate me to the point that, outside of a professional or work setting, Im really only interested in being around a woman. Male and.female energy is different. Women calm and soothe me. Where men, after awhile, piss me off, invariably.
Yes, getting enough alone time has been hard, especially since my husband and I had three kids and since the lockdowns started. The thing about it is, my husband and I both need a lot of alone time (not sure if he's on the spectrum or not but I am). Usually, I only get an hour or so late in the evening before bed and then getting enough sleep is hard.
Yes I really relate to this. I usually get in my alone time at night (sometimes! Sometimes I spend time with my husband) and then yes it cuts into sleep time. It is a tricky balance that I feel is never quite where I want it to be.
Hi, I am just wounding how u coped with ur boyfriend wanting to cuddle u or touch u all the time? As i finded touch different anywhere, I don’t even hug my family, I am in a new relationship & don’t want him to think I am pushing him away 😁
I feel like I'm always the person contacting people first, and the one putting in all the work to have a friendship. I have one person in my life who contacts me as much as I do them first! It bothers me a lot still, but I've gotten some acceptance in my journey.
I can get very emotionally fixated and start spiralling with upset or anger. I realised this was happening less around my husband and asked him why. Apparently he has been distracting me with hugs, blocking my line-of-sight to whatever triggered the spiral, and lobbing gentle non-confrontational distractions at me. Once I'm out of the spiral we can handle the actual problem. I love him so much!
I relate so hard to the "are you okay" thing - I hear that a lot from people when I am intensely focused on headthoughts/or even just doing a special interest that isn't verbal/soundmaking - I know I have resting bitchface, but it's really just me unmasked and in my own thoughts enough to not be trying to put on a specific expression. Also: alexithymia and dampened emotions - there are a lot of emotions (mostly on the anger side) that just don't look like what people expect. I don't get "angry", I get resigned, sad and slightly disappointed - sometimes it takes me months to sort out a feeling, and sometimes the feeling never comes, despite an impression that I "should" feel a certain way.
Yes I resonate with so much of what you’ve just put into words. Thanks for sharing!
Oh my god…it wasn’t until reading your comment that I realized I do have some alexithymia 😨 it’s nearly impossible for me to access/identify anger, it’s almost like static to me. I’ve also found value in The Feeling Wheel/Wheel of Emotions and the book Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown. Having language to apply to these sensations I experience has been helpful.
This is me also. I have had some ppl be like why do u look sad, and one person said I looked serene 😆 that was nice 😄 but I've tried to explain to my therapist before that I rarely feel Anger. I have high highs & low lows for emotion but anger is something that rarely shows up. If it does (in an occurrence within last 2 year period) it looked like hot white heat and is so hot, it's cold & I was literally physically frozen in place for a very long time with rage. But its a very foreign feeling.
I can absolutely relate to this. My wife actually gets mad at me when she loses her temper because I remain so calm. Like it makes her feel as if she's completely out of control over something that doesn't even faze me. And I can understand how that would be frustrating, but I'm definitely not making a conscious choice to do it.
I know I feel something. I am bothered by the fact that she is losing her temper... but I don't feel "anger". I just kind of shut down and don't want to speak. It's like there is this fog that goes over my mind and my thoughts are racing but I just can't settle on anything to say. At that point I just want to be alone in my head.
@@Soffenoffe I learned something helpful last year from a therapist - they told me that anger is usually a secondary emotion covering either fear or sadness, and since I easily access fear/sadness (despair, panic, terror, etc.) and pretty much live there 95% of the time, that's why I don't really feel anger, even when anger would better serve the situation. A lot of my feelings are "logic-ed through" like, someone will do something terrible to me and I'll think "yeah, this is happening. I think people feel [anger] when this happens, but here it is: The Thing just ...happening. Okay." I also learned that anger isn't necessarily aggression, and the uncomfortability I feel when others are angry (fear, usually) is because I percieve/mistake anger as aggression, and that trips my fight-or-flight. (Which is made up of very little fight, mostly flight, freeze and a whole lot of fawn).
The stone face!!! 😁 my husband says, are you talking to me in your head..? Because I cannot hear you when you talk to me in your head. 🤣
Ha ha. My wife, “Did you hear me?” Me: “Yes, give me a minute. I’m thinking.” We’re working on the pause so that I have time to process and she doesn’t feel like her question just hit a blank wall. She’s also helping by being much more specific when describing things and talking about schedules. Im very lucky and grateful for her. In many ways things were easier and less stressful when I was single, but things are much fuller and better with her. She’s a good human.
I can think I’m doing just fine and then a migraine will hit. My ability to manage will go in the toilet. We are still trying to find the right medication for me so that the headaches are reduced and I don’t feel crazy dizzy. I started having headaches (and nose bleeds) at around 5 or 6…you know…when I started school. Go figure.
I like how you described being single vs. in a relationship. And yes, so much stress with school. I experienced a lot of health issues with that as well.
My husband is late diagnosed Autistic and I have ADHD, and this video is SO relatable!
The alone time made me feel like I was weaker or more abnormal since I would feel better after a Mommy Timeout session.
I would literally hide in the bathroom from my own children because they are *unintentionally* DEMANDING, HIGH ENERGY, and sometimes CONFUSING to me. I couldn't understand why they always want to be around me. Always.
It's so nice to find a late-diagnosed Autism Mom to learn from. I'm currently considering getting officially diagnosed, since my daughter will be tested soon (we both check off a lot of the symptoms).
At least if I truly am Autistic, my daughter and I will be able to go through it together and bond better. I don't feel bad for myself, but I do feel more anxiety and guilt that she may have gotten it from me.
If TMI, sorry but you are relatable and I'm appreciating that you shared your videos!
I'm a delayed processor with alexithymia, too, and I zone out in conversation with my partner, too. For the first thirty-five years of our relationship, this was really hard for both of us. But for the past five years, we've figured out what I can say to let him know that I'm just processing. One thing that really works for us is that he likes word play and I like echolalia, and we're both learning languages, so verbal play is a fun part of every day.
So cool! Thanks for sharing.
I can totally relate on so many levels! I tend to zone out and have delayed responses to situations too. I definitely identify as an empath and one thing that has been challenging over the years for us is how much I take on other people's problems and emotions. One thing that has helped with that has been practicing mindfulness with my therapist (she also moonlights as yoga teacher lol!) That has been so great as I tend to get caught up in the "what ifs" of life rather than living in the present. Thanks for another heartfelt video! ❤️
Your therapist sounds like someone I need to meet. 😻
Ah, the what if’s…..can so relate to that!
Hi Tay, another great one. I love how you say “I’m on my head! That is the exact phrase that I use when I am in that space. I always have tons of things that I am thinking about all of the time. From the minute I wake up my thoughts are in full swing! I have been asking friends as well as my partner if they are constantly working on stuff and everyone says no. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have no thoughts. Sometimes its a bare because I feel like I am not in the world, but other times its a comfort to have my thoughts going. The social thing is a big deal for me but fortunately my partner has a little bit of social anxiety so he completely understands. Though he is not on my level! For instance we have a Birthday party to go to tonight so I of course have anxiety about it. So I have looked up the venue where we are going so I can understand the structure of the place. Where things are, where will I park etc. Not knowing things about gatherings is a big anxiety thing for me. You mentioned your facial expressions and I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but I was always told I looked sad. So now I always shoot a smile at anyone that I see. I doesn’t matter how I am feeling, I just shoot that smile😀. I am so enjoying your videos I appreciate your open honest approach! Thanks again for posting!
I smile all the time at people too even if I’m not feeling it and sometimes I feel like people are confused by it! I’m always worried I have a resting mad face.
As far as thinning as soon as you wake up - YES! I spend so much time studying meditation and mindfulness. One teacher says that right before you open your eyes in the morning there is a brief period of no thought. Not for me!!! I feel like every day I wake up into a stream of consciousness that never shut off, even when I was sleeping. I wake up until fully formed thoughts and ideas even before I open my eyes, and I’m learning to accept with meditation that my thoughts just might churn more than others. It’s a challenge for sure!
This was a wonderful video, I cheered for the “sponsor “ lol!! Even if it’s an Amazon link sponsor it still counts!! So much gold here for NDs
I can really relate to the delayed processing during conversations/ arguments with my husband!,I need time to get away by myself and go over the situation and figure things out. I also can relate to my relationship with my husband being my most cherished relationship and that it does have its challenges but I’m so glad he is willing to accept me and make things work. I am truly blessed.
This is an interesting topic! My girlfriend is also autistic and that has its own perks and challenges. I do relate to some of the things you are saying here though! I think a big challenge we face is when one of us is overstimulated and the other under-stimulated. (Ex: I want total silence and calm while she is goofily/loudly oral stimming) The mismatch is quite funny in hindsight. Though it can be tricky and I’ve found that separating at those moments to meet each of our needs is most helpful. Then we return replenished! I will say we have gotten really good at helping each other with autistic struggles and I feel so supported by her in meltdown because I know she knows exactly how I feel ❤ I think time and diagnosis is so helpful for learning how to best navigate autistic-specific needs in relationships
Tay, thank you for having the courage to make these videos! I was also diagnosed later in life (33) with level 1 ASD. Masking, imposter syndrome, and slower processing - especially emotionally - definitely has presented challenges in my own life. I think it is partly because people with "higher functioning" ASD have been conditioned to think in terms of their neurotypical(NT)-strawman/mask to not stand out. To produce a ASD-to-NT-tranliteration, emotionally or otherwise, takes time; and an ASD individual may miss out on making stimulus/stressor-emotional connections by logically solving conflict through this NT-strawman/mask. This is just my opinion, but hopefully someone finds it helpful.
Such great perspective! Thanks so much for sharing.
I don’t know that I have ever been able to understand how I’m feeling daily but I do acknowledge it
As I think about my own struggles with stifling my emotions, I’m super sad for how often “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” has been misinterpreted and hurt people who are genuinely suffering.
The way I understand it, "anger" is both a messenger and a neurological response. First I need to pay attention to the message. (What values or losses are being threatened?) Once I've heard anger's message, I can choose to address the issue at a later time, maybe after time to rest, mentally consolidate, and think creatively. Then (if I’m not in immediate danger), not letting the sun go down on my anger means shifting my focus to resolving my body's stress response.
That a jacked-up physiological state of anger inhibits both my rest and my ability to think creatively. It can also make me feel justified in all sorts of unhelpful behaviors. I have a fire alarm in my building that displays a digital message. Once I read the message, I shut the alarm bell off because who can think straight with all that racket? “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” to me means to receive the message, then let the physiological alarm bell turn off. I don't think it ever meant to resolve all questions, make all decisions, or take all actions that day.
Graciously, the phrase isn’t, “snuff out your anger like a candle,” but talks about sundown. Sundown takes 30-60 minutes. For me, it takes time and some deliberate practices to resolve my stress response, and I think it’s right to give my body the time it needs. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” is a kindness, especially to people like me on the spectrum who get overwhelmed and tend to ignore what my body is trying to say and what it needs.
So much great wisdom here! I love this perspective.
I can relate to most of what you said, but I immediately cried when you introduced the word alexithymia. This has been a huge struggle in communication break downs in my relationships with others and I never knew there was a word for it. Knowing that now means that its more than just me or just a few other people, its actually a thing and not just something wrong with me. Thank you for sharing your truths.
so encouraging! particularly that your were at 600 subscribers! and look at your channel now! As a songwriter I have struggled for so long to find an audience for my music and discovering that I am "neuro divergent" has helped hugely in having compassion for myself and patience. Thank you!
Wow, this so resonates with me! I’m just realising that I need the alone time and I have to be insistent on taking it.
Absolutely! And it's definitely something that requires practice to maintain.
“Entertaining myself quietly” omg I do this.
I also take time to process and get upset; I always struggled with that… both my partner and I are like that. I think he’s way more pacific than I am though, I will speak up trying to understand the “issue”, my partner just brushes it off (he doesn’t want to argue and rarely gets upset) I’m so glad to have found your channel 💛
I’m so glad you’ve found it too! Thanks for your comment. Welcome to the community.
Nice work Tay! Such a relatable and useful video full of insights. Alone time is an endless challenge when you’re married with kids huh.
Yep. Endless! Thanks for the comment Orion!
Alone time is so important
I get so much from your videos. Especially the relationship ones. I'd love to know if your husband has a support group. As a mostly neurotypical married to an unofficial (she hates labels) woman on the spectrum, I would love to discuss strategies and understanding with him.
Also have you talked about where you both for on the Briggs Myers MTBI personality tests? I think they're helpful and related.
Great suggestions! Thanks for the feedback. My husband intentionally spends time pretty regularly with his two closest friends. I think that is very helpful for him. I think it’s important for him to get out of the house and have his own experiences that aren’t affected by ND living! Me and both the kids are on the spectrum so I know sometimes that has to be overwhelming.
I love personality tests! And the enneagram. I’m a 1 on the enneagram with a 2 wing, and I’m interested in retaking the Myers Briggs test now that I have more self awareness. I haven’t delved into that since my college years.
Thanks for these suggestions!
Ok just took the test again for the first time in a bazillion years and I tested as an INFJ - The Advocate! I think it fits pretty well.
I'm INTP very accurate my wife is ISFP also pretty accurate. The NT and SF types have personality and thinking contrasts that I think/hope can be complimentary if they're open. I think ISF is probably more common with people on the spectrum. But I haven't looked into it yet. Our son with autism is INTJ. Maybe ND just have diverse personalities like everyone.
autistic here with an ADHDer partner. They can go at a lightening pace with problem solving while I go at a much slower speed. We are vibrating at a different time/frequency and it is hard, very hard. I am also hard to initiate on any projects/solutions. I can imagine all the possibilities in my head, visualize all the things I need to do, but sometimes I'll forget to tell my partner that I am still processing. From the outside, my partner thinks I haven't even approach it because of my anxiety. Ah it's so hard when you have mix neurotype. On the flip side, because we are both neurodivergent and queer, we can carve out a new path and redefine our relationship outside the confines of "heteronormative neurotypical" relationships.
Ah, that's what I thought. I am the ADHD partner and my husband is autistic. I try to bite my tongue and try not to say most of what I want to say, and that helps us communicate. Seems like when I'm feeling depressed and slow and sad, he's the most cheerful and pleasant. But if I am feeling happy and am not policing my words, I yank his mind around in too many directions and it overwhelms him and puts him in a very bad mood. 😢
@@er6730 the way I see an autistic / adhd relationship is we are on the seesaw. When one’s need is met, the other is not. My partner tried to limit themselves and not talk too much for my sake, but I know its not good for them. And when I let them talk I slowly shut down and then burn out. So seesaw. One up one down. And it repeats. Sigh …. Can someone please figure out a way? Lol. We need counselling that specializes in mixed neurotype relationships and are actually inclusive
@@tiffanylin6201 That sort of specific help is SO needed! And I think our situation is quite common. We are attracted to each other because we look at the other one and go, "wow, that person is so strong in the area where I'm weak, very impressive" and combine that with a high tolerance of "weird" on both sides and it's a match!
This is a good guideline for my future relationships. It won’t save my past 10 year marriage relationship that ended back in March.
I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. Relationships can be so complicated and painful.
@@MomontheSpectrum At least it has been 6 months ago and it feels like a lifetime ago in some ways. Plus I literally just found a potential GF that also has ASD and ADHD. I just spoke to her for 12 hours on the phone yesterday and some on FB messenger before that.
This is totally my husband and I. Thank you for sharing!
For me that's the opposite. I can't go to bed angry. Literally. If I haven't work out my issues I have so much distress and anxiety that I can't find sleep. I need to fix the problem or at least get in a better place with my husband so I can find peace and fall asleep.
Im not in a relationship, but I can totally relate to you . I been struggling to communicate with my family for years
Misunderstanding is so frustrating, and trying to socialize and communicate with people you have not met. I always feel awkward small like a mouse
I am curious, if anyone with ASD (adult) has had their personality change after getting COVID? For me, some things are more difficult than it was prior to COVID. These things always bothered me, but now certain sounds bother me even more than it did previously. I am late diagnosed (DSM level 1) with ASD and Alexithymia, in fact I was only officially diagnosed November 2023. I feel like the things (mainly sounds) that bothered me, are quite a bit worse than they were. I'm currently struggling to re-learn who I am as a person and what ASD means to me and how much it has affected my life negatively. Romantic relationships are something I gave up on after my divorce. I don't think I can go through that again.
From 600 subscribers to over 63 thousand subscribers 😊
I'm thankful that more awareness is coming about. My dad wasn't diagnosed until around 25 years into marriage. It makes such a difference. Thanks for what you're doing!
I’ve been a widow for 2 1/2 years now. Only just recently realized I’m probably on the spectrum. I keep wondering if it’s even an option for me to try dating. I’ve got so many issues that I’m dealing with that I feel it is pointless to even try. If I can’t deal with me why would I think someone else would want to? Anyway, I do appreciate you sharing these videos so I can learn how others deal with their issues and maybe I can manage mine better.
I'm a slow processor of verbal words, but I was always expected to respond quickly, so I just throw words out there especially during heated moments. Why wife has ADHD and she'll latch onto one single thing I say and will hyperfocus on that thing and completely ignore all the other things I said that suggest a completely different point I am trying to get to. It's very hard to undo coping mechanisms you've done your whole life.
I don't know how to do it 😢 This is new for me. I masked so long and ended up miserable in all my relationships. I've been alone now for a long time and finally learned how to just deal by myself. Just starting to date again and I am so afraid to say exactly what I need/feel/want because it is sooooo much. I need so much alone time. I need things a very specific way in my home. I need a routine that is also flexible to my health. Just got thorough the first visit and I abandoned most of my needs so I didn't come across nutty but I was left drained, depressed, and near meltdown. I'm afraid I won't be able to be with anyone.
I relate to what you're saying.......my partner has PTSD and anxiety so there's a complication. While I do like to go out and engage with the world it raises his anxiety. He thinks fast, talks fast, he's a large man that uses large gestures and my slowness in responding is a huge issue. I know that I am well and truly loved, so the juice is definitely worth the squeeze. But at times frustrating and exhausting.
I've understood a lot of my relationship results that most would see as a problem haven't been my fault they've been the situations of how often people refuse to read expressions in a new way. But I've repeatedly had to let the few who accurately accepted my company leave me, often due to how serious people consider romantic life. Relationship struggles mine wen't like 0 kids and only 3 teens and then a young adult every now and then.
I'm a delayed processor too. My wife was like your husband. I think it is a blessing being diagnosed because it is a starting point. I didn't discover Till fairly irecently My issues. There are lots of useful tools so use them. I think had I known we might have had better communication rather than let differences turn into passive aggressive actions based on fears of not being loved. I managed 19 years with were. I considered it a blessing but wear the feeling I hurt her too much not being able to share my inner world. I pay you keep the communication up. Oh I am 74 sospeaking from lots of life experience.
Sorry I'm a quiet listener to your videos. I follow but don't usually comment. My husband likes to be on time when we have appointments and be ready to leave the house ahead of time. I cannot come out of my zone. I get ready in the last minute and run out of the house in a hurry. I am usually right on time but he gets so stressed. I have bad time management. My husband is my Swiss clock, my secretary that reminds me what I need to do. I am pretty lost when there isn't someone structuring my schedule. When he talks to me I always say "Just a minute" because I am into something of my own. It's a task for me to come out of my shell and relate to what he has to say.
imagine how difficult has been having a relationship with a guy (not sure If he is allistic or not) who doesn't have the comprehension of my need to stay alone in my room. He started asking if he did something wrong, if I was hidden something to him, and then I start feeling guilty, and forced myself till a meltdown, it was so destructive fort both. Thankfully it's ended now
My husband is ALWAY asking me if I’m okay. Everyday. I thought it was just RBF 🤷🏼♀️ but this makes so much sense!
I learn vocabulary to finally define what is going on with me. I’m certainly a delayed processor and it has been frustrating for my husband. Sometimes it gets sad because i can’t express how happy i am for his or even my own achievements. The good example is when I got an acceptance letter to a PA school and while he was jumping, laughing and crying I had to verbalize my emotions “I feel so happy, I am excited 😐” with almost blank face. Or when he landed a job he was trying to get for a very long time, and I was helping him every step of the way with the interview process. I finally had to fake how happy I was. Even though I was truly happy, but I know it wouldn’t show.
I think this can be a very common experience for people on the spectrum! I know it is for me. Thanks for sharing.
I do not know why but i dont get much out of fidget toys, but i do tend to pick my skin so i like stuff i can peel or tear lol. but usually i just need something heavy, like a quiet mind pillow, to REDUCE my fidgeting
I relate to everything you expressed in this video, thank you so much 🙏🏻
You’re very welcome.
I can totally relate to all of this - thanks for posting x
You're welcome! Thanks for the comment. Please let me know if you have any ideas for future videos.
It is possible that there is a very understanding NT person out there for us ND people but it was a night and day difference from when I got with my current partner that is also ND and my former marriage with a NT.
This puts so much in perspective for me! Thank you for your videos.
I don't think I wrote it in the guide I provided but if you are trying it out I typically don't ask myself the questions for awareness of my state until around midday as the morning usually can be pretty hectic for me and I view it as sort of a "calibration" phase of the day. Also I typically have coffee in the morning and try not to answer the questions regarding mental health while caffeinated as that will give a falsely higher score of focus and function usually. But overall I've been using that system now for nearly 3 months and I don't ask the questions any more. I still keep my excel document because I am curious about trends and events and that is the scientist in me, but every day I am much more mindful of my limitations and not allowing a bad day to make me feel worse.
I so enjoy your perspectives, Remy! You illuminate so much for me. Thanks for sharing this. Happy Friday!
Tay,
First off, thank you for these insightful posts regarding your experience as a adult with ASD.
I am a 43 y/o husband whose been diagnosed with adult adhd 12 months ago and I think my wife has ASD but refuses to get diagnosed.
We've been married for over 19 years with two children.
Our romantic life before kids was poor and afterwards almost nonexistent.
My question(s) are:
Have you and your husband found yourselves in the same position and how have you two handled it to be successful in your relationship?
Sorry, I know its personal so if you wish not to reply I would understand.
This is weird hearing all this as I am just realizing that I am truly autistic on some level ,it making sense now (my life) but I wanna cry and also smile from knowing there is a reason I'm who I am but frustrating at the same time. I'm not sure what or how I really feel. If that makes any sense at all
It makes more sense than you know. Glad you're here! There are many of us who feel similarly here. I hope you'll hang around!
Wow, that's crazy. I usually don't hear from people who talk and think like I do.
Side note: Usually I experience pain listening to people talk. I can't wait for them to stop talking, but while listening to you, I felt better and didn't even notice the time going by.
So in the last few months my husband has realized he has ADHD, & a few days ago I realized I'm autistic & now 90% of our marriage struggles make a LOT more sense! 🤪
I'm still trying to teach my spouse about time out. Did you do a video about that?
I just had a meltdown with severe physical tension from spending time with my partner's family. I had to spend hours trying to relax and reset as a result. The good thing is I caught the meltdown coming on and left before it got extremely bad, but the bad thing is that I was trying to do check in with myself up until then and totally missed that I was in a bad state. Socializing is so difficult and I really am trying to be better about establishing boundaries but the alexithymia makes that very tough.
I might have to get a pack of those after seeing this video XD I'm huge on tactile stimming
They’re very helpful!
I didnt know I was a "delayed processor" until I heard this. OMG
It changes a lot to understand this, right?! 🤯
This video hits so different knowing that you're currently undergoing a divorce.
Fabulous video! Excellent content. I LOVE your headband! We wear a lot of grey and find it soothing.
We were just wondering if you ever felt scared to publicly declare yourself ASD or get formal diagnosis because of the risk of child services stepping in???
(We hear a lot of horror stories about people getting their children taken away simply because of the diagnosis of ASD, not any evidence of child abuse. )
Romantic relationship have never been an option to me, because I still see myself as a child, despite I'm in my late 30's. I don't know if it's "normal". I love having alone time since I was a child, but sometimes I wish I had a friend. I never had one because no one wanted to be seen with the weird kid (bullying me was easiest for them).
I’m so sorry to hear this. It makes sense that sometimes you wish you had a friend. Social relationships can be hard to navigate but it’s also not fun to feel lonely. I’m sorry you have experienced this.
I can relate to what you’re saying about seeing yourself as a child!
@@MomontheSpectrum Thank you.
I can relate to feeling like a child and being the weird kid. I hope you find some friends. Don’t give up!
@@T.T.M.60 Thank you.
How does anyone express themselves artistically when they live with their significant other and are not comfortable expressing themselves artistically around anyone? I’ve noticed I put a lot of my stimming and self regulation to the side. Any suggestions?
One of the things my husband and I run into is that he likes to connect by asking what I'm thinking when I've been quiet. But if I have to stop what I'm thinking and translate my picture-thoughts into words and then speak them, then I feel frustrated. Often I can't even translate my thoughts into words and so I cannot tell him what I was thinking. :/
I've wondered if learning sign language would help us in this situation because I've heard it uses different brain pathways and it's a pictoral language so maybe it would make things easier?
This is a really interesting thought! If you're both up for learning something new that could be a cool experiment. Let me know what comes of it!
I also think in... picture-thoughts? But it's almost not even a picture. The way I described it to my psychologist is a "block of understanding." Sometimes no words or pictures. It just... "is"...
When I got married, I lost all interest in buddy night or friend night or whatever. I was very content to just be with her in the house, every day. We had our separate areas to go to, She had the living room, I had my man cave, so we could either be together or do our separate things. But I never went out.
Not into having a social life. Which my mother still doesn't understand. Unless you understand that other guys really irritate me to the point that, outside of a professional or work setting, Im really only interested in being around a woman.
Male and.female energy is different. Women calm and soothe me. Where men, after awhile, piss me off, invariably.
Yes, getting enough alone time has been hard, especially since my husband and I had three kids and since the lockdowns started. The thing about it is, my husband and I both need a lot of alone time (not sure if he's on the spectrum or not but I am). Usually, I only get an hour or so late in the evening before bed and then getting enough sleep is hard.
Yes I really relate to this. I usually get in my alone time at night (sometimes! Sometimes I spend time with my husband) and then yes it cuts into sleep time. It is a tricky balance that I feel is never quite where I want it to be.
Great video!
Thanks Harley! Please let me know if you have any suggestions for future videos.
I have never had a successful romantic relationship. I gave up them 13 years ago.
My SO has resting sad face
In high school all my friends would make fun of me because I didn't show emotions on my face much.
Hi, I am just wounding how u coped with ur boyfriend wanting to cuddle u or touch u all the time? As i finded touch different anywhere, I don’t even hug my family, I am in a new relationship & don’t want him to think I am pushing him away 😁
Wow, you gained 87,000 subs in a year?
It didn't last lol
I feel like I'm always the person contacting people first, and the one putting in all the work to have a friendship. I have one person in my life who contacts me as much as I do them first! It bothers me a lot still, but I've gotten some acceptance in my journey.
I can so relate to this!
Family and people in general just don’t get it 🤦🏼♀️