After 15 years together, my wife started the divorce process to leave me a few months ago. I learned I was autistic in the past year, in the middle of autistic burnout, when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. Navigating a divorce I didn’t want has been the most challenging thing I’ve ever been through. I’m working hard to rebuild and learn what I want and need now.
May the Force be with you! I hope for the best for you. There are lots of good things about being single, so keep those things in the front of your mind for the time being and take very good care of yourself.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. As an autistic person myself and married for 26 years, I know that marriage is tricky for both parties. I wish you all the best for the future!
The marriage I had basically checked all of the boxes for things to watch out for. The final month before I actually went through with it, I talked it out with some close friends and family. March 2022 is when I left her and left WA. Afterwards I moved to my cousin’s house in the Phoenix area and just moved on with my life. When financially able, I started doing mini vacations etc to just experience the single life. Months later in September, I found my girlfriend a state over in ABQ NM. I moved over to ABQ almost a year ago in February and now have a relationship that pretty much checks all the positive boxes. I am self diagnosed Autistic and ADHD and she has ADHD as well, whereas my ex wife is NT.
I’m better on my own. I’m post menopausal, I did marriage, I raised my kids, I am 65. I have been single and living alone since 2015. I’m so happy. I get imbalanced in relationships, I cannot do otherwise, I have TRIED. I’m centered and have peace. This is working for me. Make your own choices.
Now finalizing my own divorce, this advice is so great and so clarifying. I feel like every late diagnosed married autistic person should watch this after being diagnosed, just to get some clarity on what a marriage should look like and what we deserve. A lot of autistic relationship videos (or any relationship videos) focus so much on "fixing" things with the end goal of being staying in the relationship no matter what. The way I feel now is that we should be committed not to the marriage or the partnership but to ourselves first and to the other person and to the quality of the relationship. What that meant for me was that I chose to end the marriage in order to honor my own needs, respect my partner and save the relationship (not the marriage). So we shifted our relationship from a marriage/partnership to a co-parenting/family/friendship relationship without a partnership and without domestic cohabitation. One of the best decisions of my life. Our relationship is better than ever.
I went to couples therapy and it really did save our relationship. Beware of some counselors trying to push you in a direction that you don’t want to go in. I wanted to save my relationship and some counselors are only trained to help you end them. So make sure you know what you want going in.
I’m glad you revealed very important this detail about some therapists having an agenda around whether to steer their clients one way or the other in their relationships. I always thought they were supposed to be neutral. Obviously, I was quite naive. Thanks for sharing.
I had an awful experience with this many years ago. I had finally convinced my husband to at least try marriage counseling after he had abruptly informed me he was leaving, thought I had found a good counselor based on bio, CV, awards, recommendations, etc. We got there and not even 5 minutes in after hearing that husband wanted out, said he couldn't help and gave husband a recommendation for a divorce lawyer (which he did use.) I get angry just thinking about it to this day even though it's been years. I was devastated.
Thank you for this. My wife went to therapy and the therapist diagnosed me as being a narcissist (without ever meeting/evaluating me). The positive: this is what lead to my autism self-diagnosis. The con: My wife now can't get 'narcissist' out of her head and it's ruining (ending?) our marriage. Malpractice much?
Having been through punishing divorces, that was great, Taylor. I would also add that autists getting entangled with narcissists is notably frequent. That's what happened to me. If there's any chance that that is your situation, get extra EXTRA help. And move forward. It will have been worth it.
Me too. I'm a bit autistic, I guess. I took an online test, and it told me so. And I suspect my wife is narcissistic, maybe even a bit psychopathic. Evil. And I've been thinking about divorce for a long time. I've been waiting for the kids to get older. To understand why I'm doing this. And for them to be able to better defend themselves, once my wife ends up with someone new. Now that my youngest has reached 10... I believe the time has come to file for divorce.
@@MS-yf9dw You're never ready even as an adult to see your parents divorcing. But it's put to your kids to work on that and understand you when they're adults. Make the process as smoothly and easy for them as you can, but don't postpone, think of YOUR happiness aswell.
I have been clinically diagnosed with GAD 1 year ago and gifted in childhood. I have self diagnosed as autistic/ ADHD. I have always felt like an imposter and have overcompensated to please others. For the past three years, I have been slowly but surely unmasking resulting in my husband separating from me. My nervous system has calmed SO MUCH! The last time I saw him, my stomach went insane. This was my confirmation that I wasn’t crazy. My anxiety has all but left this past year he’s been gone, and it INSTANTLY resurfaced upon knowing I would see him, seeing him, and about 1 hour after. It hasn’t been upset since. I know this is the right decision for me and the children but it’s still hard.
A breakthrough I recently had in my marriage is the realization that what's causing challenges in our marriage is our respective neurodivergence (ASD x ADHD). We are learning to manage them on our own as well as together and helping each other. I'm proud we had the ability to go beyond the trouble and address the root cause. To save a marriage, both partners need to be all in and ready to do the work! If one isn't ready to put on the work, I believe it's a sign the relationship has come to an end.
❤ I think this is an extremely important thing to consider if you are in a relationship with another neurodivergent. Coming to understand this has been invaluable for our marriage.
My spouse and I are both ND. Finding that out, changed both our lives and relationship for the better. You start to get to know yourself and your partner and come up with solutions and compromises that actually work, if there was even a problem to begin with. Like we thought this is what couples do. We put all this pressure on ourselves and our relationship trying to follow the rules. We make up our own rules now...ND rules. Dates out...no thanks. Couples getting together barf. Letting our families call the shots not anymore. Just figuring what works for us has been very eye opening. Everyone sharing their stories is so brave, and you help us be brave. Thank you!
17 years married. 2 1/2 years divorced. And, I can tell you that all you said is true. I never realized how emotionally abusive my ex is, until I moved almost 200 miles away. Where I used to be his scapegoat, my ex has turned his attention towards our son. I sobbed the other day, and my face actually cramped. That's when I realized how very seldom I cry now, when it used to happen all the time during the marriage. Yes, being alone... even without my son here, is a thousand times better than a miserable or "grey" life!
Autistic adults are statistically underemployed and not all of us are able to support ourselves or our families independently. What would your advice be to autistic adults thinking about leaving a relationship who don't have the ability to support themselves? I just feel like that's a really important piece of this conversation that's missing.
I felt like I had no choice but to leave an abusive, alcoholic , adulterating husband. I was a middle age stay at home mom with no job prospects. Children were 18 and 14 at the time The abuse got worse. I didn't know I was autistic, but I do have epilepsy that is stress related. I never told the courts even though the condition has negative impacts on ability to work and types of work. I'm not always able to drive, shouldn't work alone etc. In college, when one employer found out they slashed my hours and I earned far less. Going to court was traumatic. I don't like that environment. All the fast talking. My lawyers don't act like they knew how serious it was Now it's not over 13 years later. My home was paid off before. But he lied about me, and my kids were afraid of him but he got them to lie about me. So he kicked me out of my home illegally with nowhere to go and no income. Using slander basically. He had a new girlfriend and was living with her. I had a TRO on her because they both attacked me in my own home. After disconnecting and stealing my phone number Only after that did I start learning that he's probably a narcissist. And later still that I'm likely autistic. My mother and both sisters are too. My parents have since passed away. I wasn't able to spend time with them because of the divorce. My children won't talk to me. My siblings stopped really talking to me. Although one finally confirmed that yes our mother was autistic as was she and my other sister but she didn't think I was. She also seems to think it's a bad thing and doesn't know why I'd want to be known as that. So now I'm broke, still not really divorced, I'm single but our assets aren't divided. He stole everything claimed I was abusive and a hoarder. I had to get my head examined. The psych evaluation showed I was a victim of domestic violence. More money and time wasted. (It's now coming out that having clutter is a symptom of trauma. Specifically trauma caused by abuse from a narcissist). and STILL the court favors him and doesn't reverse anything What I've recently learned, is that the family courts favor abusive men and are stacked against women My ex quit his job, but claimed he was laid off. Then said he was disabled and his payments to me were suspended. I have nothing I am a year behind in rent. The grief and being retirement age and failing health I can't work. Been through 6-7 lawyers and none of them made me feel like they had my back Burnout for years now. Maybe I should have stayed. At least until kids were 18 so he wouldn't drag out a custody battle. My executive function won't let me figure this out alone. But I am alone. I miss my children. They need their mom. And I need them. He didn't even help raise them. It's Parental Alienation. I don't even have my clothes or kitchen stuff, can't afford to buy more. I lost everything. Lost a ton of weight. I only have one meal a day. Yesterday was my last can of tuna. Day before rice and beans. Some days it's ramen. I do NOT need to lose weight, I'm so frail. I ration my epilepsy meds because I have no health coverage. He is court ordered to pay but he just doesn't. I need new glasses. Everything is falling apart I was supporting myself when I met him, but he forced me to have kids and I lost my job. My jobs have only been possible because I used to have a support system of friends and family to help find the jobs and provide transportation My therapist said my ex was the M*Rd*r S**cude type. The courts never heard my side of the story. Life has gotten worse. But my migraines stopped, my hair started growing back and I started to dream again. Mostly nightmares
@@kait.ballenger the system really needs an overhaul. The best needs if the children is not their concern. It's all about money and how much lifetime earnings can they drain from a couple into hands of the lawyers and judges The worse they are at their jobs, the more money they make Some therapist are like that too.
@@recoveringsoul755you have been through so much. I hate that kind of last meal poverty and that kind of weight loss. Its not good at all. There have to be some charities out there who can help? Are you in a civilised country? Or are you stuck in America? I hope you find help and help finds you. What you are going through is so desperately unfair. I am so sorry. You do not deserve any of this. You were basically enslaved to an evil tyrant. Keep asking for help. I hope and pray that it comes swiftly.
I came here to say the same thing. I’ve been with my husband since 2005, I worked at home (fashion design) for 12+ years. We had our daughter in 2018, and I’ve been a SAHM of a 5 year old since then. I love that job! But my “real” work experience ended in 2005. It’s my biggest hurdle when it comes to leaving.
Divorce is hell for everyone involved including the children. To see my daughter cry and in pain because she misses her mom every time it’s “my weekend” is heart breaking. And to imagine it will be that way for her whole childhood is almost too much to bear. Personally, I don’t think stress ever goes away. It just seems to get transferred. (In cases like mine at least).
Being a kid of divorced parents I think the kids definitely get the worst part. My parents, in particular my father, made it even worse for me with their attitudes towards each other and myself. Just please take care you never let your relationship with your daughter change, even if another partner comes into your life, that's what traumatised me the most.
I'm about 4+ years on the other side of a divorce, and while yes- there was some pain involved in making the decision to split, it has been the best thing 😊 FARRRR less stress in my world now; stress that was doing me in & wreaking havoc in my physical & mental bodies 🙄 And a delayed Congrats to you for also realizing your worth & making it through to the other side 😊
Thank you! And yes I'm still only just realizing how much stress I was actually living with. Sometimes I laugh just because I feel so incredibly free now.
I’m going thru all this. Late diagnosis and ending a 10 year marriage with two kids. I promise I’ll share all I can. Thank you so much for sharing all that you do. It’s really really helpful.
Parents of children with additional needs are more likely to divorce. My marriage has definitely been put to the test! It's definitely not perfect, but we're making it work. Working on our communication, especially after my diagnosis, has been slow but helpful. Thank you for sharing and your willingness to be vulnerable. 💞
I got married because I thought it was what you were supposed to do once you became an adult. Leaving that marriage was one of the hardest and most terrifying decisions I've ever had to make, even though I was absolutely miserable with him. Thanks for sharing your story! You're so right about there being so much more to life! It is not worth staying just to live a grey life.
Rewatching 2x. Another Autism video has me yelling Yes at the screen. 😂 My Marriage died in 2018, been divorcing for 2 years and almost out. Autistic aware for 1 year. Everything here is exactly my experience. I'm glad I stuck with my values and my truths through my divorce. I feel very good about where I've ended up and I've re-discovered who I am through old friends - and thinking about who I was before. It is amazing to stop trying and failing to fit into the world of my marriage. Now I'm finding who in my family is on board with my autism diagnosis, and who is still antagonistic towards me as a result of not understanding it. It really sucks to stand up for oneself. Sigh. However, I'm happier than ever - and more productive than I've ever been. I see a rosey future ahead of me (The AI world. d) where I can be really mindful of being autistic. I'm harnessing the learning superpower aspects of my autism and really leaning heavily into scheduling downtime and running in tune with myself. It's great and really difficult.
I'm sorry your Relationship didn't workout but I'm glad hasn't made you bitter towards you loved ones; I think you're a wonderful woman Taylor who embodies strength in both class and character.
First, thank you Taylor for bringing up this subject. Everything you said, I did. After the failed couple's therapy, I made my mind and thoughts slow down and really open my eyes. I was so consumed with working full-time, keeping the house clean, raising a child and making everyone else happy that I got lost. I stopped going to the salon, wearing makeup or even dressing nice. My ex-husband literally sucked the vibrance out of me. What I find so surprising is how many people ended up with narcissists. My ex-husband was definitely the definition of the word and he refused to seek help. After our divorce, he took it out on our son. Now my kind, loving and intelligent autistic son is in heaven. On one hand I am so thankful that we were divorced but on the other hand, I live with guilt that I could not stop my ex-husband from being so cruel at times to our son. It has been almost two years since my son passed and during that time is when I realized that I am autistic with the help of my therapist. I think I have always known but could never put a name to it. Raising my son was like raising myself. Every memory from childhood to now made me see myself so much clearer. Again, thank you for the video. It reminded me why I had to do what I did and this is the most stress free I have been in a very long time.
Ended my 4-year relationship recently after trying for years to get my needs met and connect. Did therapy, couple’s therapy, and worked through my people pleasing and fawning and codependency. I gave it my best and eventually couldn’t ignore the voice inside telling me to leave and physical sensations of loneliness, exhaustion, and hurt. I left him, and was a little sad for a while but quickly became more and more happy and energetic and began to love life again. It was hard, but the best decision I ever made. I’m so glad I’m not shouldering the burden of being the only one working on the relationship and trying my best to meet my partner’s needs. I feel happy and I am free
I am happy you feel better , and have found happiness :) I have a slightly off topic questions. You describe that you went through a phase feeling physical loneliness. Could you describe more about that? What is pysical loneliness to you? When do you feel that, and when would you feel physically "warm" .. and by this I mean - the opposite of physically lonely... Hopefully my questions are not too intruisive, and you feel comfortable answering. If not - thats totally ok. Thanks :)
The only cautionary note to add here, is be aware of whether or not you are rejection sensitive. If you are your rejection sensitivity may cause you to leave a good viable relationship. A couple that had experienced some minor turbulence, that caused the rejection sensitive partner to go as far as starting up a new relationship. When she told her partner about the new relationship she expected him to be relieved, instead he was devastated. Oops !!! she immediately ended the new relationship, very excited and surprised to see how much she still meant to her husband ... but the damage done !!! If you are rejection sensitive check with others to get a better picture of the viability of your relationship before ending it. If you meet someone new speak to your primary partner before getting serious with some else. Don't let rejection sensitivity destroy your future
@@MomontheSpectrum Thanks !!! I should mention here that RSD is not a component of autism, but is more likely to develop in an autistic person than others from trying to function in a neurotypical world. If you can learn about RSD before it causes damage to your relationship, that's better than after the fact... Also you could be autistic with a neurotypical partner that's RSD. The best approach no matter who (if either) might be RSD, reassure your partner on a daily basis and especially after a fight that you love them and will not leave them..
I am divorced. This video helped me have some more peace as it has been 6 years since my divorce was finally done. It was only after getting out that I was diagnosed with ASD, it might have saved my marriage, or I may have never married him in the first place. Thankyou for the peace today.
66 years old, never married, never will be, but still it was interesting to watch this and relate it to the question of relationships generally. Essential principles about authenticity and communication are universal with all kinds of relationships, after all.
I like and love a lot her videos, for the clear information, the not-the-easy-way inspiration and for her presence, which makes me feel good. In this video, at the end, when the speaks about modeling to her kids to not compromise on attempting to live life fully, her eyes filling with tears, I felt moved so beautifully. I want to praise how generously she shares the fullness of her heart, while seeming to be so fully aware of the fragility of the human condition.
Hi, Im a 36 yr old, late self diagnosed adult. I'm the proud mom of 2 autistic kiddos. I really appreciate all the insight. I feel like trying to navigate life as an autistic adult is rough and then trying to raise autistic kids is really hard and draining at times, but im managing. Thank you for all you do.
You're welcome. Thank you for your comment. Yes, navigating autistic life plus autistic parenting definitely brings its own challenges. You're not alone in this!
I like how this video focuses on healthy behaviors, which in turn can reveal red flags. Rather than saying these are the 12 red flags that you should get a divorce. I find the pointing out negatives confusing because maybe a situation or behavior doesn't quite match what they describe, and get caught up in defining things correctly. Not to mention that can leave me a bit lost because perhaps they only describe what to avoid, but not what to do instead. I can't articulate this well, but I hope that made sense. My current relationship is healthy, but I watched this video because I knew there would be things that would remind me of the good things, or help me stay boosted. Like how healthy people will work with you, sometimes I get down and I may feel like I'm ruining the relationship with my struggles, but we are working together, and there are boundaries and we can shift to create balance, so it's good. And also to remember my partner has struggles that I also help with, which he appreciates, and to not double standard myself into thinking my problems are bad and his are reasonable. And the reminder to bring joy in every day when you're in survival mode or struggling. Stuff like that. All of it were good reminders and very useful! Sorry if my thoughts are a bit disorganized today.
The last statement you made about modeling to my kids hit me the most profoundly. Since my wife separated from me a year ago (months after my diagnosis at age 45) I’ve found myself more free to be the positive model to my kids that I was hindered from doing with her here. I need to factor this in as we weigh decisions about the future of our relationship. Thanks for your insights to help others through difficult situations.
Two things here: 1) Be very, very careful if there's any chance your spouse is also autistic, as there are definitely some dynamics (whose details I'm still trying to figure out) where male and female masking patterns interact in tragic ways that sabotage autistic couples that fit well unmasked. 2) Be very, very careful that you aren't masking for the benefit of third parties and then expecting your spouse to validate or support the mask, rather than you, especially if 1) also applies.
THIS! This is an absolutely great comment. Indeed. The interaction of masks can create very toxic patterns (which is not exactly unlikely). I want to thank you for this comment. Very good observation.
I think you're right but I also caution anyone against telling themselves it's ok to be hurt by someone because 'it's not their fault.' There can be different communcation styles and stuff like that, which can be worked on. But it's perfectly possible for a person to be autistic and also be treating you badly.
My husband seems to have that mix of autism and ADHD like me. He is definitely masking because he likes to act in different personas to the outside world. How would I even get him to start unmasking? (we are both undiagnosed)
@@imperfectly_megan I don't know your husband, so I can't say for sure, but for my part, I don't (heavily) mask my autism, I mask my extroversion, because I have a tendency to stick my foot in my mouth whenever I open it. If this is what he's like, then the biggest thing he needs is for you to support him through the aftermath of social faux pas, *especially* those that have, or you fear may have, repercussions for you, which may involve dealing with your own masks and insecurities.
This is really timely for me, and - though I remain uncertain whether ASD applies to me - I resonated so much with your points; the concept of a ‘grey life’, the quiet voice, the extra cognitive ‘breathing space’ when you’re not constantly processing negative thoughts etc. Thanks so much for putting your thoughts together on this, and popping them on here
"Marriage is hard," they tell you, so you think all of the impossible bs is _normal._ As an autistic person I spent nearly 20 years in an abusive relationship I never wanted because I didn't realize that it wasn't "just how it is." My current partner and I are both autistic and we don't live together. Cohabitating as an autistic person is hard. Cohabitating _with_ an autistic person is hard. From sensory issues to social burnout it's nearly impossible for either of us to share. We know it from previous relationships, we know it from sharing during Shelter In Place lockdowns. While growing up nobody tells you that being Apartners is an option. Nobody tells you about _any_ option except the Relationship Escalator. Then we beat up on ourselves bc we know it's not for us, but feel that it should be.
@@MomontheSpectrum I wish they taught that in Home Ec. Even the "inclusive" curriculae don't cover alternatives beyond the cohabitating couple or single parent.
I went through a divorce recently as well (overlapping with my autism diagnosis, actually!) and a number of things you said really resonated. - The bit about "not living a grey life" and how getting out of a relationship that isn't working can free up cognitive space: Absolutely! And one way to test this out on a small scale is just to go somewhere else by yourself for a while and see how you feel - especially if it isn't actually a full vacation (because who doesn't like THAT?) but you're going about more or less your normal routine but in a different place. - I like the suggestion of having your own individual therapist as well as a couple's therapist. My ex and I happened to find a couple's therapist who was quite good at getting through to HIM (about things I'd tried to talk about for years without success) and good at assessing our relationship dynamic...but who was a TERRIBLE match for me in the "lets work on you as an individual" part. Most notably in this context, she shot down my "I think I might be autistic" without even asking WHY I thought that, even though we'd had prior exchanges where that would be very consistent with what I was doing or describing. For instance: Me taking what she said VERY literally. Me asking a lot of "why" questions and not taking "because I'm the therapist and I say so" as an answer. Me saying that I'd happened on a parade and enjoyed watching for about an hour and then had to go take a rest, or that I liked going to traditional Mexican markets, but only for a little while because the colors and smells and shouts of the vendors quickly got overwhelming. Her: "Who taught you to be like that?" Me (confused):"Um. No one? If anything, people have always tried to make me be less like that, because it's 'party pooper behavior'?" So...yeah, doing that with someone else who was more trained in neurodivergency would have helped a lot! - A sad thing is that you can love someone very much, and even have quite a few things in common...but if they won't or can't work with you on talking through misunderstandings and conflicts, or you aren't BOTH willing to work on whatever personal issues are impacting the relationship, then that love really isn't enough to save it. I think one reason the marriage counselor didn't believe I was autistic is that I can sit there and talk through my feelings articulately and at length. But the reason I can do that is that I HAVE to! If I don't go through a step-by-step process, in my head or out loud, of: "OK, why do I feel off right now? Am I sad? Why am I sad? Ah, probably because of thing X! Now, is it reasonable to feel upset about thing X?..." then I may have not idea what I'm feeling! In a previous relationship, I mistook anxiety for repeated food poisoning for MONTHS. But that analytical way of talking about feelings did not resonate with my ex-husband (it felt "cold" to him), and we never managed to figure out a way that WOULD make him more comfortable before things had just deteriorated too far.
It’s interesting to me that you mentioned mistaking anxiety for food poisoning in this situation- I’ve been hit a couple of times in the last ~6 months with food-poisoning-like symptoms, and I too have a hunch that it’s possibly anxiety in reality.
I’m going thru basically all of this as we speak. Anyone else listening I implore you to take Taylor’s advice to heart. In my experience she is right on. Listen to your body around your partner. So important. Thank you so much. Let’s get and stay out of survival mood! There room for life once the masking stops
Wow, as a woman who suspects that she has adhd and add and dreaded watching this video, this video surprisingly made me realise my partner us fantastic and i suspect he has add but he really tries his best to meet my needs
Totally agree! Also don't give up on another human coming along who just gets you! I have that now. Today is our 11th year anniversary. After a divorce and 3 other significant relationships I found my human ❤ We have our issues but she was with me through my adult daughter's diagnosis a few years ago. And then the realisation that I am Autistic and ADHD. She listens as I explain the things I learn about myself. She finds it interesting too when I learn why I do some things the way I do. As I unmask in front of my human I feel safe and heard and above all loved...just for being me ❤ I wish that for all of you too because you deserve it 🥰
Thank you for adding this beam of hope. I just ended a relationship and have been dealing with catastrophic thinking of what if I won't find someone else in the future. This helped.
Really great video Taylor, on this complex and very difficult subject. You threaded the needle perfectly in providing supportive insight to those of us who are considering divorce.
wow! I remember your video abour 2 years ago when both of you (with your ex) did it together explaining being in a relationship with a neurodivergent person (autistic /neurotypical) and both of you seemed sharing so much complicity and understanding of each other.... I'm shocked and sorry for what happens. I wish you the best anyway!
Been following you for years. Thank you Taylor. First comment Ive made and that is to say this one shows how beautiful us ASDs are about life and relationship. I have discovered life is easier single. Diagnosed at 58 all those failures make sense.
I have never felt as light as after leaving my narcissistic ex. It was like removing a backpack weighing 100kg. I suddenly felt liberated. I thankfully found another partner which is extremely sweet and understanding of my issues. He is for sure also neurodivergent in some way, probably ADHD and maybe even autism as well, and I think this makes the relationship much easier. It's the first time in my life I ever feel completely understood and safe with anyone. And I feel like I don't have to mask at all in front of him, I can flap my hands, I can sing, I can jump around, I can make weird noises... I never feel judged or looked down upon, he actually often looks at me with a loving face and says I'm very cute after I finished my strange songs and dances. He also really enjoys my long random rants about random topics, such as orcas, or sharks or other animals or plants or diving or autism or a certain video-game etc. Except one of my exs and some friends in some circumstances, no one before had appreciated my long explanations about specific topics. So I feel extremely fortunate to be able to rant about orcas for an hour and have him interested and engaged. My ex always used to tell me I'd never find anyone like him, that loves me so much, that can handle my exaggerate reactions etc. All bullshit, if the relationship is badly hurting listen to your internal voice and leave, you can for sure find someone better. And otherwise it's better to be alone that with someone that constantly hurts you.
I am in this quandary now. I self diagnosed not even a year ago and have felt a clarity about my marriage. My husband is an alcoholic. I am sober 26 years. He can not be supportive due to his addiction. He is a good man, just unwell. He works hard and supports us. I have been unable to work since the pandemic. I truly have no clue what to do. Thanks for this. ❤❤
As you started to go through your brainstorming notes, the empathy tears started welling up, but I couldn't hold back at the end there, such a beautiful sentiment! 🥲 This must have been a tough one to make and while I hope I never have the need to make use of your advice and insight, I wanted to thank you for everything you do for us, Tay. You're amazing! 🤩😇 (BTW I recall an relevant adage about couples that has stuck with me, was probably from one of my many therapists! There are three people in every couple: you, I and us)
As an autistic person who has been married for 26 years, I value my marriage very much. My wife is amazing and supports me in many ways, especially with my executive function. She has been with me even before I got diagnosed with autism last year. I know it's not easy to live with an autistic spouse, and it can be hard and painful for both of us. That's why I don't agree with a video that asks "Should I leave my marriage?". I think the question should be "How do I stay in my marriage?". I like your videos, but I think we should promote the idea of working on our marriages instead of giving up on them. We can heal and grow together, not apart. P.S. I am the main breadwinner and I was the one that considered leaving...
I think the ideal advice would be how to recognize the difference between a marriage worth staying in and one that is not. To some extent, I think this video offers a few criteria that might budge someone from the default inertia of staying in the marriage, if it applies. That's not a bad start, but you're right that pointing out some reasons to stay might be good as well. However, we might need a different person to speak from that perspective-perhaps you, perhaps someone else.
Yes I appreciate all of the insight here. I found myself staying in marriage that wasn't healthy for me, and I asked myself for years "should I stay." It became really important for me to give validity to the idea that divorce was an option, and there was a point when it became more important for me to ask the question "should I leave." I get a lot of emails from people who are at that stage, where they've tried everything for years to the point of exhaustion and health issues... this video is for those people 💞
Thank you for this Taylor. Your videos have helped me more than you will ever know. I can say with confidence that one of your places in this life was to do what you’re doing now. I can never be grateful enough. You have positively changed my life and I am beyond thankful! Hopefully I can meet you soon and share my experiences. Waiting for the right timing to book a consult 💙
Your channel and Autism from the inside have been so helpful in navigating my own struggles with autism. It's been so hard figuring out is it Autism, is it PTSD (I'm a war vet), or is it ADHD. I'm so blessed to find this community. This video helped understand why my own marriage fell apart. Thank you for sharing.
I have heard from my clinical psychlogist said that people with CPTSD develop neural patterns that are neurodivergent. The trauma literally changes the brain wiring.
@jasminmemorando6694 I've heard that, too. The other struggle is that once you come to terms with it within yourself, just to have it be invalidated by those close to you.
Excellent presentation. Thoughtful, insightful and articulate. I am a widow of a wonderful man. Before identifying both he and I are Autistic. It was a troubled relationship. After understanding more about autism I was shocked about how it played a huge part in our relationship. We both suffered from burnout frequently and significantly. Had we understood that better we would make accommodation rather than retaliation. There so many things, had I understood better, would have been more accepting and supportive. Instead of angry and victimized. Even then I had regrets, knowing he was and decent man trying the best he could. I could rant for hours about this but the difference between ranting and sharing those things that might be useful to someone else is a mystery to me.
Ooooh cognitive energy freed up, yes! And with a “challenging” partner, decisions are excruciating, potentially punishing, too-hard all the time. The ease and freedom re: decision-making on the other side of divorce is amazing. And the pain of the loss, and effect on my children is so hard. Lots of both-and experiences post-divorce. 17 years together, divorced for 4.
Thanks for sharing, love your resources. Divorce was incredibly difficult to me. I didn't get officially diagnosed until November 2023 and I have been divorced about 7-8 years. The divorce was very one-sided and I honestly don't want to ever go through that again. I wish I knew I was autistic much earlier in life, maybe it would have been different. At the time I was going through my divorce, I also had trigeminal neuralgia (one of the most painful conditions known) and then my father passed about a year later, after my divorce was final. I was so lost and confused as to why she just left, but now that I know I am Autistic, it makes more sense (ASD + Alexithymia + TN = difficult to be married to I believe).
I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you've been through. I hope you find ways to support and care for yourself with gentleness and grace. That's a lot of change.
@@MomontheSpectrum That's one of the main things I am really taking to heart with your channel. Giving yourself grace. My oldest daughter is being evaluated for ASD in a couple days (12).
A GREY LIFE - wow. I feel like I've numbed out on my marriage - almost 10 years. I tried to leave twice but his tears and pleading brought me back. I have lupus and CPTSD and on SSDI so feel trapped...also have a young child feeling a lot of guilt over - my father left when i was 7 and it messed me up for almost my whole life.
Taylor thank you thank you for this video!! I am so happy for you and it made me tear up at the end about modeling that for your kids. I love you and am so grateful for this channel. You are saving lives and changing the world ♥️
Was abandoned by my husband many years ago and was never really given a reason outside of me being "too childish". Was never able to have any other relationships since due to overwhelm and feeling guilt over all my deficiencies and abnormality. Had no idea autism was a possibility. Of course I doubt I'll be able to convince myself of the autism without an official diagnosis, but I will hopefully find some way to get that done.
I can't direct you to it properly because that would get my comment deleted, but there's something called the Aspie Quiz that you can seek out. There are actually two of them that come up for me, but the one I'm referring to is on "rdos". It's not a clinical diagnosis, but it seems fairrrrly accurate, based on results reported by numerous people I know with actual diagnoses.
Taylor, thank you for this video. I imagine it might not have been easy for you to make, and big hugs to you for getting through it (especially at the end)!! 💖 I sincerely appreciate this important and helpful information -- framing it this way makes it feel like a more manageable decision to make. Thank you so much!! Much love!! 🙏💛💛💛
Thank you, Taylor. Yes, it is hard. I was married for 25 years and have now been divorced for 26 years. Divorcing my husband was the hardest thing I ever did -- except living with him for 25 years! But it still makes me sad to think about it after all this time. However, I rarely think about it any more! I thought I'd never get to that place, but I have! Bless you and everybody who is going through a time of trouble.
@@MomontheSpectrum , I hope you and your ex will be able to remain cordial with each other, as I have with mine. I say he's one of my in-laws, my kids' dad.
Love the essence of your message summed up between time stamps 10:58 and 11:16. I'd love to see a short of this which consists of, or which starts with, these 18 seconds. What a cogent and beautifully created video on this topic! I have discovered a great word for this freedom, in or out of a relationship: sovereignty.
When I was in couples counseling I was wearing myself thin trying to reconcile the 2 experiences. One day I said to the therapist, I can't figure out which one of us is crazy. He responded with, why does anyone have to be crazy? Good point and one that hadn't even crossed my mind :)
@@MomontheSpectrum I think one of the hardest things for me is I struggle to read people and so I try to periodically check in with trusted people to be sure I'm not missing something. That's useful if you're checking to be sure you're not missing a social cue but doesn't translate to the complexity of relationship conflict.
I've gone through divorce at the beginning of March 2023. I agree with your advice. What caused the divorce between my ex-wife and me was my autistic traits. My ex-wife has ADHD, but neither she nor I knew about neurodivergence. So I'd do something she did not like. She'd glare at me. I **could not** see the glare, any more than a color-blind person can distinguish the colors they have trouble with. She then would assume that I deliberately ignored her glare. (Sometimes other people saw it.) I'd say that she imagined a glare. This happened repeatedly. There were other traits of mine that irritated her. However, we did not know that I was autistic. I had that revelation a few weeks after our divorce. Some autistic people cannot live together. They have to live separately. I think that if we had done that, it would have lessened the friction. I'm not sure that we would have been able to avoid divorce. There were other factors that could have proved insurmountable. It is true that divorce is scary. However, I can say that I'm in a happier place now, than in the last years of our relationship. Oh, this relationship lasted 26 years. 22 of those were married. Actually, this is why I bring up the notion of living separately. For most of our marriage, we were busy with things that did not bring us into close contact all the time, but then things changed, and we were in close contact almost all the time. I think that's when the situation started unraveling for us. I was in her face too much, and that caused too much friction. Thanks for the video. I hope other people can find a way to avoid divorce. The divorce with my ex-wife was amicable, but it still was painful.
Thanks so much for tackling this tough subject. Your comment about the energy available once you're no longer in that realtionship....that proved true after my divorce and with other unhealthy relationships. It's now one of my benchmarks: How much energy am I using just to survive, rather than thrive?
I am seeing some messed up stuff in this comment section. If someone leaves you simply because your neurodivergent or have different needs, then they are the problem. Not you. And not worth your time. Find yourself a real partner that doesn’t treat you like a second class citizen over something you cannot control. You don’t have to fight so hard to be treated right. Take care out there ❤️
I never understood why I'd find myself pushing my partner away at times, while knowing I loved them. It was only when I was diagnosed that I realised I needed time to decompress when I got home, not chat and hugs. I assumed I was rubbish at relationships and I'm single but happy now
I'm considering forming a private facebook group for us Late Diagnosed ND Divorcees. I'm sure i can figure it out, but idk how to get it out there for those that would benefit most. Any thoughts?
I don't think consulting the internet is the Wisest of choices when dealing with the gravity of such an issue. Marriage counseling, a psychologist, or maybe even direct communication might be better
Maybe you two need to learn how to fall back in love with each other. Idk, I'm a child of multiple divorces and idk give yourselves and each other the chance to fall back in love.
It's been less than a year I even knew much about autism but suffered with "manic depression" most of my life... my ex put up with me for 25 years, poor soul... I still get depressed sometimes, but knowing about neurodivergence changes my whole outlook on life...🙂🙋(Anne in Virginia)
Have you seen info on ADHD in adults by chance? Mine was misdiagnosed and mood stabilizing meds made me a vegetable for years. I couldn't feel hope while on MDD meds. ADHD has a lack of dopamine and norepinephrine, stimulants increase those. So does coffee and exercise.
Oh, I so want kids. I'm on the spectrum, and I grew up without a dad because he left my mom. I want kids to make up for my lack of father and give them what I never had. And I want to protect them from the mistakes I made as a guy with ASD. If any of my kids get ASD, I want to give them extra guidance to avoid being the "freak" or "misfit." I've been there.
I started speaking up for my wants and needs and I get told I’m impatient. Even though I waited for 5 yrs for him to do something I wanted and needed. I am expected to just take care of everything and not speak up. I’m in my 60’s, never had a career, I don’t have family or friends to talk to.
Hi Taylor, I’m a 53year old Australian man who has ASD Aspergers Syndrome and has two now adult children to seperate mothers. My diagnosis with Aspergers came at 33 years of age, by which time I had been through a handful of relationships, including one living together relationship. That one produced my son. I’m sad to say that I had schizophrenia in my twenties, and that led to me leaving his mum, for health reasons. My relationship with my daughter’s mother was what most people call toxic. She was often abusive, verbally and financially. I left when my daughter was thirteen years old, and went to live with my son, who was by now an adult. These days, I get along well with my son, who is also neurodivergent. I am not in communication with my daughter, who had adolescent depression and probably undiagnosed Aspergers. It’s hard, but I think I deserve better in life, and am setting goals for my better life. I am single. I work as an aged care worker in independent living, a job that I will recommend for those Aspies who like spending time with people. Thanks for your channel here, you are an amazing person to me. I’m also intent on becoming a TH-camr, and am setting up a charity in Australia. I hope to vlog about my life journey both with autism spectrum disorder and with my new charity organisation. Matt Conley
The tragedy is that nobody tells autistic people that there are alternatives to the Relationship Escalator. It's OK if an Apartner or Polyam, or whatever, works for you and cohabitation/marriage doesn't.
When I am through with my divorce the only other partner for life I would chose is….a cat! And even that is loads of responsibility. ❤ cats and close friends, and my own life! 🎉💪🏽
Such a compassionate and helpful video! I wonder, do you think a person on the spectrum should marry a neurotypical person? It seems like no one would ever be understood or have their needs met.
I think it's going to vary for each person, and that you should enter into a relationship based on what feels right to you. There are so many different versions of brains and people and preferences that I think it's really hard to offer any blanket advice here !
When I got divorced the 🎇 st time. I thought I was just to young. My s3cond marriage was working but yep.pulled on my heart. It was like me OR marriage. I felt held back both times. Right now I am away on my own and feeling better. But l9ve my h7sband dearly. Just to see. 😊
Wow. I watched your "AUTISTIC RELATIONSHIPS: 10 Tips..." video from 2021 before watching this one. At one point your ex was quoting his inner monologue for reminding himself not to take things personally, and I saw you go from a slight smile and nodding to pressing your lips together when he got to "... and (she) wants me to be around her." I don't know if I'm misreading it, since I'm autistic too and _not_ good with facial expressions (thus also hyper-focused on them to a fault), but it felt like you un/semi-consciously stopped agreeing with him at that point, and now I learn you're divorced, so I have to wonder. Either way, I'm sorry it wasn't going to work out, and I hope you find happiness going forward. 🙂 Really good advice in this video, by the way. 👍 I had a bad marriage for a long time and, while we did eventually work things out to the point where we wouldn't trade each other for anything, I really feel like I sacrificed a huge chunk of the prime of my life to _get_ that, and I kinda wish I'd had advice like this to make me think about my options, because you really shouldn't _have_ to sacrifice years and years of your life just to be happy.
yeah interesting insight about the body language in that video I did years ago! I'm sure there are signs in my body language even then that I wasn't aware of yet...
Likely the sane time you posted this my partner was arrested fir domestic 5th degree yelling instill fear. I at first started to fight to get the no contact removed as I love him and I depend on him physically and financially as I am disabled. He with police escort packed up his stuff. I found out he wants nothing to do with me. So then I stopped trying to help and instead I told the truth in an email. And I put flat out my fear of no caregiver no way to pay rent had me try to remove it. Because I would rather be in abuse or out on the cold streets. Financial abuse is a real threat. Tomorrow I try my hardest to overcome the autistic parts of me and go to social security to get help. I need ssi. I should have already had it. This is rough. The autism and adhd caused most of the fights. And that day it was a day I could not get motivated to shower. All for that and just like that it was over he did not love me, did he ever. I suspected he was a narcissist especially his projecting. He even accused me of projecting. It was toxic. But I loved him.
Hi Tay, I don't know if I can say anything because I don't think I'll ever be in a romantic relationship (I identify myself as asexual and aromantic). I think this is a great list with amazing explanations. Maybe it could also be applied to relationships between friends.
I have previously been diagnosed with relationship OCD (ROCD), and PTSD and later as ADHD (at 35) and now I have had my ASD assessment (at 37) which told me I never had OCD or ADHD just ASD and some exec function challenges. 2e. 99.9 percentile in reasoning ability but the 40% in efficiency, and disabled in Math. Its like being trapped in my mind! This time hard for me because I had an OCD explanation for my relationship anxiety before and now I dont. I have been hoping you would make this video a long time. I feel fortunate that the work I did to tackle rOCD has prevented me from sprialing into a thought loop about the rightness of my marriage. However I know I will need to navigate what this new diagnosis means for our marriage and what we want out of it. I strongly suspect my wife is on the spectrum too but she is uninterested in finding out since she says her life is happy and she doesn't have my mood troubles. We are already in counseling which is going alright. Were both also in individual.
I did want to ask how it has been sharing custody for you? We have different parenting styles(I'm more of a low demand parent) and that is one of my fears.
I've never understood divorce. At least not for reasons such as- 'we grew apart'. Especially if you love your spouse (even when it gets past the 'in love' and infatuation phase), it's still love and should only get deeper, but will always need to be worked on. I've only understood divorce for reasons such as abuse, or cheating. For me divorce is not an option, unless it's for those extreme cases. Especially when there's children involved, it's ideal for them to have both their parents in the household.
Good for you, I guess? I hope you never have to feel the pain of being in a misaerable relationship, unappreciated and unable to have your needs met but believe me it's very real. It's far, far deeper than 'not being in the honeymoon phase.' Think before you judge.
Co-parenting can come close to what they would get from their parents staying together. If Dad is only around every other weekend, or he moves to another state, that's bad, of course, but if they still love and take care of the kids in equal share, I think it's often better for them to see adults choosing not to fight or be miserable together and to be friendly and happy apart. Kids are blank slates, and what their parents do is the writing that goes on them.
I never really understood either until betrayal trauma hit me back in December of 2022. Over the course of this very difficult, and heartbreaking last year, I have learned that there are different types of abuse and addiction. My husband and I are doing an in-house separation for a little over a year now, and I’m not sure how much longer we can do this as I especially don’t want to model for my kids what a “marriage” looks like….before the betrayal I was doing my best to model to them what a healthy marriage looks like, now all I’m modeling to them is a mom who keeps on getting abused and can’t protect herself or her kids from the family dynamics. So now, I’m living in a shell of the person that I once was with no support that I can lean on as it all has been taken away. It’s a horrendous place to be in, and trying my best to figure out with the help of therapy, on how I can be the best mom for my kids and for myself.
My issue is I don’t feel okay on my own. When I’m single I feel so alone in this world, even more so than when in a relationship with someone that doesn’t value me
Im 40 was diagnosed with ADHD when i was small. When i turned 39 i was diagnosed with Autism by 3 different specialists in Australia, i simply did not believe it. It has taken me around 12 months to come to terms with it. I definitely absolutely have it too, im textbook. And terribly sad i had to go through my life feeling like a burden. Even now i wont stay visiting someone for over an hour as im worried they will get sick of me. I know i am off topic. But when i was 17 i got diagnosed with BIPOLAR. Now they are telling me it isnt bipolar its Autism. Has anyone else had this happen ? Im not sure where else to ask. I dont know anyone else like me to talk to
Hello Taylor. I am new to your channel and finding your videos very interesting and informative. I have felt much of the symptoms that you describe in your videos, which has confirmed my suspicions of having being on the "Spectrum". I feel I have much to explain, but it would take too long. I think I need to speak with someone about my suspected condition, but who do I go to for an assessment? I would be most grateful for your direction. I enjoy and appreciate your videos. Reply
Where can I find a resource to help people in a relationship with someone with autism? Also, I have watched dozens of videos on self diagnosis and autism and I'm 100% convinced that my partner is on the spectrum but I don't know how to discuss this with her. Any advice welcome. I mentioned the possibility in the past and was met with rage.
She really have to come to that realization on her own too truly very the best out of it. There are ways to give nudges, tho. Going to couple's therapy while encouraging that y'all both do individual therapy could bring about this realization.
I know you speak truth about the 'grey life together' part, but the depths of where poverty can take you, can't be overlooked. Especially when you're on the spectrum. I have been under-employed all my life, and my pension is going to reflect that. I am also on my third marriage, so lot of starting over already, and takes a bit of your soul each time. You don't really notice that part until later in life, after the kids have grown and gone. You're offering good advice, but I don't think you've addressed the specific vulnerabilities of autists. I love how your sweater matches your eye colour
Off topic: did you know that the German word “Stimmung” means “mood”? It must have the same linguistic origin like “stimming”, which I find beautiful 🤩.
I realized after divorce, we are both neurodivergent - but he started physically & financially abusing me after a decade, once we had the big expensive wedding my parents wanted.
I’m still not sure he is autistic or narcissistic. Usually other ADHD & autistic people are so kind and empathetic. He seemed to blame extremely bad behavior on autism when he didn’t even understand autism or his feelings. He also refused therapy together or individually. He changed over time from a shy, sweet guy into someone selfish, bossy, & cruel.
After 15 years together, my wife started the divorce process to leave me a few months ago. I learned I was autistic in the past year, in the middle of autistic burnout, when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. Navigating a divorce I didn’t want has been the most challenging thing I’ve ever been through. I’m working hard to rebuild and learn what I want and need now.
May the Force be with you! I hope for the best for you. There are lots of good things about being single, so keep those things in the front of your mind for the time being and take very good care of yourself.
I'm sorry to hear this. You are not alone! Thanks for sharing part of your story here. Please be kind and gentle with yourself during this process!
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. As an autistic person myself and married for 26 years, I know that marriage is tricky for both parties.
I wish you all the best for the future!
The marriage I had basically checked all of the boxes for things to watch out for. The final month before I actually went through with it, I talked it out with some close friends and family. March 2022 is when I left her and left WA.
Afterwards I moved to my cousin’s house in the Phoenix area and just moved on with my life. When financially able, I started doing mini vacations etc to just experience the single life.
Months later in September, I found my girlfriend a state over in ABQ NM. I moved over to ABQ almost a year ago in February and now have a relationship that pretty much checks all the positive boxes. I am self diagnosed Autistic and ADHD and she has ADHD as well, whereas my ex wife is NT.
I’m better on my own. I’m post menopausal, I did marriage, I raised my kids, I am 65. I have been single and living alone since 2015. I’m so happy. I get imbalanced in relationships, I cannot do otherwise, I have TRIED. I’m centered and have peace. This is working for me. Make your own choices.
Now finalizing my own divorce, this advice is so great and so clarifying. I feel like every late diagnosed married autistic person should watch this after being diagnosed, just to get some clarity on what a marriage should look like and what we deserve. A lot of autistic relationship videos (or any relationship videos) focus so much on "fixing" things with the end goal of being staying in the relationship no matter what. The way I feel now is that we should be committed not to the marriage or the partnership but to ourselves first and to the other person and to the quality of the relationship. What that meant for me was that I chose to end the marriage in order to honor my own needs, respect my partner and save the relationship (not the marriage). So we shifted our relationship from a marriage/partnership to a co-parenting/family/friendship relationship without a partnership and without domestic cohabitation. One of the best decisions of my life. Our relationship is better than ever.
I went to couples therapy and it really did save our relationship. Beware of some counselors trying to push you in a direction that you don’t want to go in. I wanted to save my relationship and some counselors are only trained to help you end them. So make sure you know what you want going in.
Thanks for sharing this!
I’m glad you revealed very important this detail about some therapists having an agenda around whether to steer their clients one way or the other in their relationships. I always thought they were supposed to be neutral. Obviously, I was quite naive. Thanks for sharing.
I had an awful experience with this many years ago. I had finally convinced my husband to at least try marriage counseling after he had abruptly informed me he was leaving, thought I had found a good counselor based on bio, CV, awards, recommendations, etc. We got there and not even 5 minutes in after hearing that husband wanted out, said he couldn't help and gave husband a recommendation for a divorce lawyer (which he did use.) I get angry just thinking about it to this day even though it's been years. I was devastated.
@@rebeccachapman1231
I’m very sorry to hear this. Sometimes the medical industry doesn’t have our best interest.
Thank you for this. My wife went to therapy and the therapist diagnosed me as being a narcissist (without ever meeting/evaluating me). The positive: this is what lead to my autism self-diagnosis. The con: My wife now can't get 'narcissist' out of her head and it's ruining (ending?) our marriage. Malpractice much?
Paying attention to people’s actions versus what they say was a difficult thing to learn.
And once you see it, you can’t unsee it!
Having been through punishing divorces, that was great, Taylor. I would also add that autists getting entangled with narcissists is notably frequent. That's what happened to me. If there's any chance that that is your situation, get extra EXTRA help. And move forward. It will have been worth it.
Thank you 🙏🏼
Exactly my last 2.5 years
@@eeyoregirl622 I'm so sorry to hear that.
Me too.
I'm a bit autistic, I guess. I took an online test, and it told me so.
And I suspect my wife is narcissistic, maybe even a bit psychopathic. Evil.
And I've been thinking about divorce for a long time. I've been waiting for the kids to get older. To understand why I'm doing this. And for them to be able to better defend themselves, once my wife ends up with someone new.
Now that my youngest has reached 10... I believe the time has come to file for divorce.
@@MS-yf9dw You're never ready even as an adult to see your parents divorcing. But it's put to your kids to work on that and understand you when they're adults. Make the process as smoothly and easy for them as you can, but don't postpone, think of YOUR happiness aswell.
I have been clinically diagnosed with GAD 1 year ago and gifted in childhood. I have self diagnosed as autistic/ ADHD. I have always felt like an imposter and have overcompensated to please others. For the past three years, I have been slowly but surely unmasking resulting in my husband separating from me. My nervous system has calmed SO MUCH! The last time I saw him, my stomach went insane. This was my confirmation that I wasn’t crazy. My anxiety has all but left this past year he’s been gone, and it INSTANTLY resurfaced upon knowing I would see him, seeing him, and about 1 hour after. It hasn’t been upset since. I know this is the right decision for me and the children but it’s still hard.
I relate to this so much!! Thanks for sharing.
Yes! I collapse into burnout for days/weeks after the slightest paperwork.
This is so real !
A breakthrough I recently had in my marriage is the realization that what's causing challenges in our marriage is our respective neurodivergence (ASD x ADHD). We are learning to manage them on our own as well as together and helping each other. I'm proud we had the ability to go beyond the trouble and address the root cause. To save a marriage, both partners need to be all in and ready to do the work! If one isn't ready to put on the work, I believe it's a sign the relationship has come to an end.
❤ I think this is an extremely important thing to consider if you are in a relationship with another neurodivergent. Coming to understand this has been invaluable for our marriage.
My spouse and I are both ND. Finding that out, changed both our lives and relationship for the better. You start to get to know yourself and your partner and come up with solutions and compromises that actually work, if there was even a problem to begin with. Like we thought this is what couples do. We put all this pressure on ourselves and our relationship trying to follow the rules. We make up our own rules now...ND rules. Dates out...no thanks. Couples getting together barf. Letting our families call the shots not anymore. Just figuring what works for us has been very eye opening. Everyone sharing their stories is so brave, and you help us be brave. Thank you!
💯 !
17 years married. 2 1/2 years divorced. And, I can tell you that all you said is true. I never realized how emotionally abusive my ex is, until I moved almost 200 miles away. Where I used to be his scapegoat, my ex has turned his attention towards our son. I sobbed the other day, and my face actually cramped. That's when I realized how very seldom I cry now, when it used to happen all the time during the marriage. Yes, being alone... even without my son here, is a thousand times better than a miserable or "grey" life!
So glad you are finding more freedom and peace of mind now. 🙌
Autistic adults are statistically underemployed and not all of us are able to support ourselves or our families independently. What would your advice be to autistic adults thinking about leaving a relationship who don't have the ability to support themselves? I just feel like that's a really important piece of this conversation that's missing.
I felt like I had no choice but to leave an abusive, alcoholic , adulterating husband. I was a middle age stay at home mom with no job prospects.
Children were 18 and 14 at the time
The abuse got worse. I didn't know I was autistic, but I do have epilepsy that is stress related. I never told the courts even though the condition has negative impacts on ability to work and types of work. I'm not always able to drive, shouldn't work alone etc. In college, when one employer found out they slashed my hours and I earned far less.
Going to court was traumatic. I don't like that environment. All the fast talking. My lawyers don't act like they knew how serious it was
Now it's not over 13 years later. My home was paid off before. But he lied about me, and my kids were afraid of him but he got them to lie about me. So he kicked me out of my home illegally with nowhere to go and no income. Using slander basically. He had a new girlfriend and was living with her. I had a TRO on her because they both attacked me in my own home. After disconnecting and stealing my phone number
Only after that did I start learning that he's probably a narcissist. And later still that I'm likely autistic. My mother and both sisters are too. My parents have since passed away. I wasn't able to spend time with them because of the divorce. My children won't talk to me. My siblings stopped really talking to me. Although one finally confirmed that yes our mother was autistic as was she and my other sister but she didn't think I was. She also seems to think it's a bad thing and doesn't know why I'd want to be known as that.
So now I'm broke, still not really divorced, I'm single but our assets aren't divided. He stole everything claimed I was abusive and a hoarder. I had to get my head examined. The psych evaluation showed I was a victim of domestic violence. More money and time wasted. (It's now coming out that having clutter is a symptom of trauma. Specifically trauma caused by abuse from a narcissist).
and STILL the court favors him and doesn't reverse anything
What I've recently learned, is that the family courts favor abusive men and are stacked against women
My ex quit his job, but claimed he was laid off. Then said he was disabled and his payments to me were suspended. I have nothing
I am a year behind in rent. The grief and being retirement age and failing health I can't work.
Been through 6-7 lawyers and none of them made me feel like they had my back
Burnout for years now. Maybe I should have stayed. At least until kids were 18 so he wouldn't drag out a custody battle.
My executive function won't let me figure this out alone. But I am alone. I miss my children. They need their mom. And I need them. He didn't even help raise them.
It's Parental Alienation. I don't even have my clothes or kitchen stuff, can't afford to buy more. I lost everything. Lost a ton of weight. I only have one meal a day. Yesterday was my last can of tuna. Day before rice and beans. Some days it's ramen. I do NOT need to lose weight, I'm so frail. I ration my epilepsy meds because I have no health coverage. He is court ordered to pay but he just doesn't. I need new glasses. Everything is falling apart
I was supporting myself when I met him, but he forced me to have kids and I lost my job. My jobs have only been possible because I used to have a support system of friends and family to help find the jobs and provide transportation
My therapist said my ex was the M*Rd*r S**cude type. The courts never heard my side of the story. Life has gotten worse. But my migraines stopped, my hair started growing back and I started to dream again. Mostly nightmares
@@recoveringsoul755 So sorry to hear you've been treated that way by the courts and your ex. The system is really broken.
@@kait.ballenger the system really needs an overhaul. The best needs if the children is not their concern. It's all about money and how much lifetime earnings can they drain from a couple into hands of the lawyers and judges
The worse they are at their jobs, the more money they make
Some therapist are like that too.
@@recoveringsoul755you have been through so much. I hate that kind of last meal poverty and that kind of weight loss. Its not good at all. There have to be some charities out there who can help? Are you in a civilised country? Or are you stuck in America? I hope you find help and help finds you. What you are going through is so desperately unfair. I am so sorry. You do not deserve any of this. You were basically enslaved to an evil tyrant. Keep asking for help.
I hope and pray that it comes swiftly.
I came here to say the same thing. I’ve been with my husband since 2005, I worked at home (fashion design) for 12+ years. We had our daughter in 2018, and I’ve been a SAHM of a 5 year old since then. I love that job! But my “real” work experience ended in 2005. It’s my biggest hurdle when it comes to leaving.
Divorce is hell for everyone involved including the children. To see my daughter cry and in pain because she misses her mom every time it’s “my weekend” is heart breaking. And to imagine it will be that way for her whole childhood is almost too much to bear. Personally, I don’t think stress ever goes away. It just seems to get transferred. (In cases like mine at least).
Being a kid of divorced parents I think the kids definitely get the worst part. My parents, in particular my father, made it even worse for me with their attitudes towards each other and myself. Just please take care you never let your relationship with your daughter change, even if another partner comes into your life, that's what traumatised me the most.
I'm about 4+ years on the other side of a divorce, and while yes- there was some pain involved in making the decision to split, it has been the best thing 😊 FARRRR less stress in my world now; stress that was doing me in & wreaking havoc in my physical & mental bodies 🙄
And a delayed Congrats to you for also realizing your worth & making it through to the other side 😊
Thank you! And yes I'm still only just realizing how much stress I was actually living with. Sometimes I laugh just because I feel so incredibly free now.
I wish you would share what stressed you. What changed.@@MomontheSpectrum
I’m going thru all this. Late diagnosis and ending a 10 year marriage with two kids. I promise I’ll share all I can. Thank you so much for sharing all that you do. It’s really really helpful.
Parents of children with additional needs are more likely to divorce. My marriage has definitely been put to the test! It's definitely not perfect, but we're making it work. Working on our communication, especially after my diagnosis, has been slow but helpful. Thank you for sharing and your willingness to be vulnerable. 💞
You're welcome whitney. Thanks for sharing part of your story as well! We are in this together!
I got married because I thought it was what you were supposed to do once you became an adult. Leaving that marriage was one of the hardest and most terrifying decisions I've ever had to make, even though I was absolutely miserable with him. Thanks for sharing your story! You're so right about there being so much more to life! It is not worth staying just to live a grey life.
I did the same thing. I got married thinking it was the right thing to do after dating for two years.
Rewatching 2x. Another Autism video has me yelling Yes at the screen. 😂 My Marriage died in 2018, been divorcing for 2 years and almost out. Autistic aware for 1 year. Everything here is exactly my experience. I'm glad I stuck with my values and my truths through my divorce. I feel very good about where I've ended up and I've re-discovered who I am through old friends - and thinking about who I was before. It is amazing to stop trying and failing to fit into the world of my marriage. Now I'm finding who in my family is on board with my autism diagnosis, and who is still antagonistic towards me as a result of not understanding it. It really sucks to stand up for oneself. Sigh. However, I'm happier than ever - and more productive than I've ever been. I see a rosey future ahead of me (The AI world. d) where I can be really mindful of being autistic. I'm harnessing the learning superpower aspects of my autism and really leaning heavily into scheduling downtime and running in tune with myself. It's great and really difficult.
I’m so glad to hear about the ways you’re learning to care for yourself! 🌸
Wow. Deep. Love it.
I'm sorry your Relationship didn't workout but I'm glad hasn't made you bitter towards you loved ones; I think you're a wonderful woman Taylor who embodies strength in both class and character.
Thank you so much 🙏🏼
First, thank you Taylor for bringing up this subject. Everything you said, I did. After the failed couple's therapy, I made my mind and thoughts slow down and really open my eyes. I was so consumed with working full-time, keeping the house clean, raising a child and making everyone else happy that I got lost. I stopped going to the salon, wearing makeup or even dressing nice. My ex-husband literally sucked the vibrance out of me. What I find so surprising is how many people ended up with narcissists. My ex-husband was definitely the definition of the word and he refused to seek help. After our divorce, he took it out on our son. Now my kind, loving and intelligent autistic son is in heaven. On one hand I am so thankful that we were divorced but on the other hand, I live with guilt that I could not stop my ex-husband from being so cruel at times to our son. It has been almost two years since my son passed and during that time is when I realized that I am autistic with the help of my therapist. I think I have always known but could never put a name to it. Raising my son was like raising myself. Every memory from childhood to now made me see myself so much clearer. Again, thank you for the video. It reminded me why I had to do what I did and this is the most stress free I have been in a very long time.
I’m so sorry to hear about all you’ve been through but glad you are finding more freedom. 💞
Ended my 4-year relationship recently after trying for years to get my needs met and connect. Did therapy, couple’s therapy, and worked through my people pleasing and fawning and codependency. I gave it my best and eventually couldn’t ignore the voice inside telling me to leave and physical sensations of loneliness, exhaustion, and hurt. I left him, and was a little sad for a while but quickly became more and more happy and energetic and began to love life again. It was hard, but the best decision I ever made. I’m so glad I’m not shouldering the burden of being the only one working on the relationship and trying my best to meet my partner’s needs. I feel happy and I am free
I am so happy for you! Way to listen to your own internal compass.
I am happy you feel better , and have found happiness :) I have a slightly off topic questions. You describe that you went through a phase feeling physical loneliness. Could you describe more about that? What is pysical loneliness to you? When do you feel that, and when would you feel physically "warm" .. and by this I mean - the opposite of physically lonely... Hopefully my questions are not too intruisive, and you feel comfortable answering. If not - thats totally ok. Thanks :)
he was asd?
The only cautionary note to add here, is be aware of whether or not you are rejection sensitive. If you are your rejection sensitivity may cause you to leave a good viable relationship. A couple that had experienced some minor turbulence, that caused the rejection sensitive partner to go as far as starting up a new relationship. When she told her partner about the new relationship she expected him to be relieved, instead he was devastated. Oops !!! she immediately ended the new relationship, very excited and surprised to see how much she still meant to her husband ... but the damage done !!! If you are rejection sensitive check with others to get a better picture of the viability of your relationship before ending it. If you meet someone new speak to your primary partner before getting serious with some else. Don't let rejection sensitivity destroy your future
RSD is definitely an important factor to consider in neurodivergent relationships. Thanks for sharing!
This. Such a great point!
@@MomontheSpectrum Thanks !!! I should mention here that RSD is not a component of autism, but is more likely to develop in an autistic person than others from trying to function in a neurotypical world. If you can learn about RSD before it causes damage to your relationship, that's better than after the fact... Also you could be autistic with a neurotypical partner that's RSD. The best approach no matter who (if either) might be RSD, reassure your partner on a daily basis and especially after a fight that you love them and will not leave them..
@@launacasey6513 thanks
True words!
I am divorced. This video helped me have some more peace as it has been 6 years since my divorce was finally done. It was only after getting out that I was diagnosed with ASD, it might have saved my marriage, or I may have never married him in the first place. Thankyou for the peace today.
66 years old, never married, never will be, but still it was interesting to watch this and relate it to the question of relationships generally. Essential principles about authenticity and communication are universal with all kinds of relationships, after all.
I like and love a lot her videos, for the clear information, the not-the-easy-way inspiration and for her presence, which makes me feel good. In this video, at the end, when the speaks about modeling to her kids to not compromise on attempting to live life fully, her eyes filling with tears, I felt moved so beautifully. I want to praise how generously she shares the fullness of her heart, while seeming to be so fully aware of the fragility of the human condition.
Hi, Im a 36 yr old, late self diagnosed adult. I'm the proud mom of 2 autistic kiddos. I really appreciate all the insight. I feel like trying to navigate life as an autistic adult is rough and then trying to raise autistic kids is really hard and draining at times, but im managing. Thank you for all you do.
You're welcome. Thank you for your comment. Yes, navigating autistic life plus autistic parenting definitely brings its own challenges. You're not alone in this!
I like how this video focuses on healthy behaviors, which in turn can reveal red flags. Rather than saying these are the 12 red flags that you should get a divorce. I find the pointing out negatives confusing because maybe a situation or behavior doesn't quite match what they describe, and get caught up in defining things correctly. Not to mention that can leave me a bit lost because perhaps they only describe what to avoid, but not what to do instead. I can't articulate this well, but I hope that made sense. My current relationship is healthy, but I watched this video because I knew there would be things that would remind me of the good things, or help me stay boosted. Like how healthy people will work with you, sometimes I get down and I may feel like I'm ruining the relationship with my struggles, but we are working together, and there are boundaries and we can shift to create balance, so it's good. And also to remember my partner has struggles that I also help with, which he appreciates, and to not double standard myself into thinking my problems are bad and his are reasonable. And the reminder to bring joy in every day when you're in survival mode or struggling. Stuff like that. All of it were good reminders and very useful! Sorry if my thoughts are a bit disorganized today.
The last statement you made about modeling to my kids hit me the most profoundly. Since my wife separated from me a year ago (months after my diagnosis at age 45) I’ve found myself more free to be the positive model to my kids that I was hindered from doing with her here. I need to factor this in as we weigh decisions about the future of our relationship. Thanks for your insights to help others through difficult situations.
Absolutely! Thanks for sharing your experience as well.
Two things here:
1) Be very, very careful if there's any chance your spouse is also autistic, as there are definitely some dynamics (whose details I'm still trying to figure out) where male and female masking patterns interact in tragic ways that sabotage autistic couples that fit well unmasked.
2) Be very, very careful that you aren't masking for the benefit of third parties and then expecting your spouse to validate or support the mask, rather than you, especially if 1) also applies.
THIS! This is an absolutely great comment. Indeed. The interaction of masks can create very toxic patterns (which is not exactly unlikely). I want to thank you for this comment. Very good observation.
Wow, amazing comment!
I think you're right but I also caution anyone against telling themselves it's ok to be hurt by someone because 'it's not their fault.' There can be different communcation styles and stuff like that, which can be worked on. But it's perfectly possible for a person to be autistic and also be treating you badly.
My husband seems to have that mix of autism and ADHD like me. He is definitely masking because he likes to act in different personas to the outside world. How would I even get him to start unmasking? (we are both undiagnosed)
@@imperfectly_megan I don't know your husband, so I can't say for sure, but for my part, I don't (heavily) mask my autism, I mask my extroversion, because I have a tendency to stick my foot in my mouth whenever I open it. If this is what he's like, then the biggest thing he needs is for you to support him through the aftermath of social faux pas, *especially* those that have, or you fear may have, repercussions for you, which may involve dealing with your own masks and insecurities.
Just wanted to say that this color is INCREDIBLE on you, Taylor! You are GLOWING in that sweater!
oh wow thanks so much! 😎
This is really timely for me, and - though I remain uncertain whether ASD applies to me - I resonated so much with your points; the concept of a ‘grey life’, the quiet voice, the extra cognitive ‘breathing space’ when you’re not constantly processing negative thoughts etc. Thanks so much for putting your thoughts together on this, and popping them on here
You're welcome. Glad they were helpful to you!
"Marriage is hard," they tell you, so you think all of the impossible bs is _normal._
As an autistic person I spent nearly 20 years in an abusive relationship I never wanted because I didn't realize that it wasn't "just how it is."
My current partner and I are both autistic and we don't live together. Cohabitating as an autistic person is hard. Cohabitating _with_ an autistic person is hard. From sensory issues to social burnout it's nearly impossible for either of us to share. We know it from previous relationships, we know it from sharing during Shelter In Place lockdowns.
While growing up nobody tells you that being Apartners is an option. Nobody tells you about _any_ option except the Relationship Escalator. Then we beat up on ourselves bc we know it's not for us, but feel that it should be.
yes - there are so many different ways to do relationships!
@@MomontheSpectrum I wish they taught that in Home Ec. Even the "inclusive" curriculae don't cover alternatives beyond the cohabitating couple or single parent.
I went through a divorce recently as well (overlapping with my autism diagnosis, actually!) and a number of things you said really resonated.
- The bit about "not living a grey life" and how getting out of a relationship that isn't working can free up cognitive space: Absolutely! And one way to test this out on a small scale is just to go somewhere else by yourself for a while and see how you feel - especially if it isn't actually a full vacation (because who doesn't like THAT?) but you're going about more or less your normal routine but in a different place.
- I like the suggestion of having your own individual therapist as well as a couple's therapist. My ex and I happened to find a couple's therapist who was quite good at getting through to HIM (about things I'd tried to talk about for years without success) and good at assessing our relationship dynamic...but who was a TERRIBLE match for me in the "lets work on you as an individual" part.
Most notably in this context, she shot down my "I think I might be autistic" without even asking WHY I thought that, even though we'd had prior exchanges where that would be very consistent with what I was doing or describing. For instance: Me taking what she said VERY literally. Me asking a lot of "why" questions and not taking "because I'm the therapist and I say so" as an answer. Me saying that I'd happened on a parade and enjoyed watching for about an hour and then had to go take a rest, or that I liked going to traditional Mexican markets, but only for a little while because the colors and smells and shouts of the vendors quickly got overwhelming. Her: "Who taught you to be like that?" Me (confused):"Um. No one? If anything, people have always tried to make me be less like that, because it's 'party pooper behavior'?" So...yeah, doing that with someone else who was more trained in neurodivergency would have helped a lot!
- A sad thing is that you can love someone very much, and even have quite a few things in common...but if they won't or can't work with you on talking through misunderstandings and conflicts, or you aren't BOTH willing to work on whatever personal issues are impacting the relationship, then that love really isn't enough to save it.
I think one reason the marriage counselor didn't believe I was autistic is that I can sit there and talk through my feelings articulately and at length. But the reason I can do that is that I HAVE to! If I don't go through a step-by-step process, in my head or out loud, of: "OK, why do I feel off right now? Am I sad? Why am I sad? Ah, probably because of thing X! Now, is it reasonable to feel upset about thing X?..." then I may have not idea what I'm feeling! In a previous relationship, I mistook anxiety for repeated food poisoning for MONTHS. But that analytical way of talking about feelings did not resonate with my ex-husband (it felt "cold" to him), and we never managed to figure out a way that WOULD make him more comfortable before things had just deteriorated too far.
It’s interesting to me that you mentioned mistaking anxiety for food poisoning in this situation- I’ve been hit a couple of times in the last ~6 months with food-poisoning-like symptoms, and I too have a hunch that it’s possibly anxiety in reality.
I’m going thru basically all of this as we speak. Anyone else listening I implore you to take Taylor’s advice to heart. In my experience she is right on. Listen to your body around your partner. So important. Thank you so much. Let’s get and stay out of survival mood! There room for life once the masking stops
Wow, as a woman who suspects that she has adhd and add and dreaded watching this video, this video surprisingly made me realise my partner us fantastic and i suspect he has add but he really tries his best to meet my needs
This makes me so happy!
Totally agree! Also don't give up on another human coming along who just gets you!
I have that now. Today is our 11th year anniversary. After a divorce and 3 other significant relationships I found my human ❤
We have our issues but she was with me through my adult daughter's diagnosis a few years ago. And then the realisation that I am Autistic and ADHD. She listens as I explain the things I learn about myself. She finds it interesting too when I learn why I do some things the way I do.
As I unmask in front of my human I feel safe and heard and above all loved...just for being me ❤
I wish that for all of you too because you deserve it 🥰
This is wonderful!! Thank you so much for sharing this message of hope. :) We can always use more of these stories. Happy for you!
Thank you for adding this beam of hope. I just ended a relationship and have been dealing with catastrophic thinking of what if I won't find someone else in the future. This helped.
"living a gray life", that rang a loud bell within
💞
Really great video Taylor, on this complex and very difficult subject. You threaded the needle perfectly in providing supportive insight to those of us who are considering divorce.
Thank you, I appreciate this feedback!
wow! I remember your video abour 2 years ago when both of you (with your ex) did it together explaining being in a relationship with a neurodivergent person (autistic /neurotypical) and both of you seemed sharing so much complicity and understanding of each other.... I'm shocked and sorry for what happens. I wish you the best anyway!
Been following you for years. Thank you Taylor. First comment Ive made and that is to say this one shows how beautiful us ASDs are about life and relationship. I have discovered life is easier single. Diagnosed at 58 all those failures make sense.
I have never felt as light as after leaving my narcissistic ex. It was like removing a backpack weighing 100kg. I suddenly felt liberated.
I thankfully found another partner which is extremely sweet and understanding of my issues. He is for sure also neurodivergent in some way, probably ADHD and maybe even autism as well, and I think this makes the relationship much easier. It's the first time in my life I ever feel completely understood and safe with anyone. And I feel like I don't have to mask at all in front of him, I can flap my hands, I can sing, I can jump around, I can make weird noises... I never feel judged or looked down upon, he actually often looks at me with a loving face and says I'm very cute after I finished my strange songs and dances. He also really enjoys my long random rants about random topics, such as orcas, or sharks or other animals or plants or diving or autism or a certain video-game etc. Except one of my exs and some friends in some circumstances, no one before had appreciated my long explanations about specific topics. So I feel extremely fortunate to be able to rant about orcas for an hour and have him interested and engaged.
My ex always used to tell me I'd never find anyone like him, that loves me so much, that can handle my exaggerate reactions etc. All bullshit, if the relationship is badly hurting listen to your internal voice and leave, you can for sure find someone better. And otherwise it's better to be alone that with someone that constantly hurts you.
I am in this quandary now. I self diagnosed not even a year ago and have felt a clarity about my marriage. My husband is an alcoholic. I am sober 26 years. He can not be supportive due to his addiction. He is a good man, just unwell. He works hard and supports us. I have been unable to work since the pandemic. I truly have no clue what to do. Thanks for this. ❤❤
You're welcome. Sounds like you're in a tough situation. Please take care of yourself and remember you're not alone.
As you started to go through your brainstorming notes, the empathy tears started welling up, but I couldn't hold back at the end there, such a beautiful sentiment! 🥲
This must have been a tough one to make and while I hope I never have the need to make use of your advice and insight, I wanted to thank you for everything you do for us, Tay. You're amazing! 🤩😇
(BTW I recall an relevant adage about couples that has stuck with me, was probably from one of my many therapists! There are three people in every couple: you, I and us)
As an autistic person who has been married for 26 years, I value my marriage very much. My wife is amazing and supports me in many ways, especially with my executive function. She has been with me even before I got diagnosed with autism last year. I know it's not easy to live with an autistic spouse, and it can be hard and painful for both of us.
That's why I don't agree with a video that asks "Should I leave my marriage?". I think the question should be "How do I stay in my marriage?". I like your videos, but I think we should promote the idea of working on our marriages instead of giving up on them. We can heal and grow together, not apart.
P.S. I am the main breadwinner and I was the one that considered leaving...
I think the ideal advice would be how to recognize the difference between a marriage worth staying in and one that is not. To some extent, I think this video offers a few criteria that might budge someone from the default inertia of staying in the marriage, if it applies. That's not a bad start, but you're right that pointing out some reasons to stay might be good as well. However, we might need a different person to speak from that perspective-perhaps you, perhaps someone else.
Yes I appreciate all of the insight here. I found myself staying in marriage that wasn't healthy for me, and I asked myself for years "should I stay." It became really important for me to give validity to the idea that divorce was an option, and there was a point when it became more important for me to ask the question "should I leave." I get a lot of emails from people who are at that stage, where they've tried everything for years to the point of exhaustion and health issues... this video is for those people 💞
Thank you for this Taylor. Your videos have helped me more than you will ever know. I can say with confidence that one of your places in this life was to do what you’re doing now.
I can never be grateful enough. You have positively changed my life and I am beyond thankful!
Hopefully I can meet you soon and share my experiences. Waiting for the right timing to book a consult 💙
Your channel and Autism from the inside have been so helpful in navigating my own struggles with autism. It's been so hard figuring out is it Autism, is it PTSD (I'm a war vet), or is it ADHD. I'm so blessed to find this community. This video helped understand why my own marriage fell apart. Thank you for sharing.
You're welcome.
I have heard from my clinical psychlogist said that people with CPTSD develop neural patterns that are neurodivergent. The trauma literally changes the brain wiring.
@jasminmemorando6694 I've heard that, too. The other struggle is that once you come to terms with it within yourself, just to have it be invalidated by those close to you.
Excellent presentation. Thoughtful, insightful and articulate. I am a widow of a wonderful man. Before identifying both he and I are Autistic. It was a troubled relationship. After understanding more about autism I was shocked about how it played a huge part in our relationship. We both suffered from burnout frequently and significantly. Had we understood that better we would make accommodation rather than retaliation. There so many things, had I understood better, would have been more accepting and supportive. Instead of angry and victimized. Even then I had regrets, knowing he was and decent man trying the best he could. I could rant for hours about this but the difference between ranting and sharing those things that might be useful to someone else is a mystery to me.
thanks for sharing your experience here 💞
Ooooh cognitive energy freed up, yes! And with a “challenging” partner, decisions are excruciating, potentially punishing, too-hard all the time. The ease and freedom re: decision-making on the other side of divorce is amazing. And the pain of the loss, and effect on my children is so hard. Lots of both-and experiences post-divorce. 17 years together, divorced for 4.
Thanks for sharing, love your resources. Divorce was incredibly difficult to me. I didn't get officially diagnosed until November 2023 and I have been divorced about 7-8 years. The divorce was very one-sided and I honestly don't want to ever go through that again. I wish I knew I was autistic much earlier in life, maybe it would have been different. At the time I was going through my divorce, I also had trigeminal neuralgia (one of the most painful conditions known) and then my father passed about a year later, after my divorce was final. I was so lost and confused as to why she just left, but now that I know I am Autistic, it makes more sense (ASD + Alexithymia + TN = difficult to be married to I believe).
I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you've been through. I hope you find ways to support and care for yourself with gentleness and grace. That's a lot of change.
@@MomontheSpectrum That's one of the main things I am really taking to heart with your channel. Giving yourself grace. My oldest daughter is being evaluated for ASD in a couple days (12).
A GREY LIFE - wow. I feel like I've numbed out on my marriage - almost 10 years. I tried to leave twice but his tears and pleading brought me back. I have lupus and CPTSD and on SSDI so feel trapped...also have a young child feeling a lot of guilt over - my father left when i was 7 and it messed me up for almost my whole life.
Taylor thank you thank you for this video!! I am so happy for you and it made me tear up at the end about modeling that for your kids. I love you and am so grateful for this channel. You are saving lives and changing the world ♥️
The way I say it: I am my own best thing.
YES! 🙌
Was abandoned by my husband many years ago and was never really given a reason outside of me being "too childish". Was never able to have any other relationships since due to overwhelm and feeling guilt over all my deficiencies and abnormality. Had no idea autism was a possibility. Of course I doubt I'll be able to convince myself of the autism without an official diagnosis, but I will hopefully find some way to get that done.
I can't direct you to it properly because that would get my comment deleted, but there's something called the Aspie Quiz that you can seek out. There are actually two of them that come up for me, but the one I'm referring to is on "rdos". It's not a clinical diagnosis, but it seems fairrrrly accurate, based on results reported by numerous people I know with actual diagnoses.
Taylor, thank you for this video. I imagine it might not have been easy for you to make, and big hugs to you for getting through it (especially at the end)!! 💖 I sincerely appreciate this important and helpful information -- framing it this way makes it feel like a more manageable decision to make. Thank you so much!! Much love!! 🙏💛💛💛
You’re welcome! Sending love back 💗
Glad you are in a better place Taylor…thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Taylor. Yes, it is hard. I was married for 25 years and have now been divorced for 26 years. Divorcing my husband was the hardest thing I ever did -- except living with him for 25 years! But it still makes me sad to think about it after all this time. However, I rarely think about it any more! I thought I'd never get to that place, but I have! Bless you and everybody who is going through a time of trouble.
Yes I imagine I will always carry it with me but hopefully think about it less and less. Thanks for sharing Martha!
@@MomontheSpectrum , I hope you and your ex will be able to remain cordial with each other, as I have with mine. I say he's one of my in-laws, my kids' dad.
Love the essence of your message summed up between time stamps 10:58 and 11:16. I'd love to see a short of this which consists of, or which starts with, these 18 seconds. What a cogent and beautifully created video on this topic! I have discovered a great word for this freedom, in or out of a relationship: sovereignty.
Sovereignty is such a great word for this. And thank you for the shorts suggestion!
I'm glad it resonated! : ) You're welcome and thanks for your always excellent information.@@MomontheSpectrum
Thank you so much. I feel like I'm not alone.
When I was in couples counseling I was wearing myself thin trying to reconcile the 2 experiences. One day I said to the therapist, I can't figure out which one of us is crazy. He responded with, why does anyone have to be crazy? Good point and one that hadn't even crossed my mind :)
Yes I think this is what I was trying to get at with the two different realities. It can make you feel crazy trying to reconcile the two. ❤
@@MomontheSpectrum I think one of the hardest things for me is I struggle to read people and so I try to periodically check in with trusted people to be sure I'm not missing something. That's useful if you're checking to be sure you're not missing a social cue but doesn't translate to the complexity of relationship conflict.
Taylor, I’m so glad you are talking about this.
I've gone through divorce at the beginning of March 2023. I agree with your advice. What caused the divorce between my ex-wife and me was my autistic traits. My ex-wife has ADHD, but neither she nor I knew about neurodivergence. So I'd do something she did not like. She'd glare at me. I **could not** see the glare, any more than a color-blind person can distinguish the colors they have trouble with. She then would assume that I deliberately ignored her glare. (Sometimes other people saw it.) I'd say that she imagined a glare. This happened repeatedly. There were other traits of mine that irritated her. However, we did not know that I was autistic. I had that revelation a few weeks after our divorce.
Some autistic people cannot live together. They have to live separately. I think that if we had done that, it would have lessened the friction. I'm not sure that we would have been able to avoid divorce. There were other factors that could have proved insurmountable.
It is true that divorce is scary. However, I can say that I'm in a happier place now, than in the last years of our relationship. Oh, this relationship lasted 26 years. 22 of those were married. Actually, this is why I bring up the notion of living separately. For most of our marriage, we were busy with things that did not bring us into close contact all the time, but then things changed, and we were in close contact almost all the time. I think that's when the situation started unraveling for us. I was in her face too much, and that caused too much friction.
Thanks for the video. I hope other people can find a way to avoid divorce. The divorce with my ex-wife was amicable, but it still was painful.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
Thanks so much for tackling this tough subject. Your comment about the energy available once you're no longer in that realtionship....that proved true after my divorce and with other unhealthy relationships. It's now one of my benchmarks: How much energy am I using just to survive, rather than thrive?
I am seeing some messed up stuff in this comment section. If someone leaves you simply because your neurodivergent or have different needs, then they are the problem. Not you. And not worth your time. Find yourself a real partner that doesn’t treat you like a second class citizen over something you cannot control. You don’t have to fight so hard to be treated right. Take care out there ❤️
I never understood why I'd find myself pushing my partner away at times, while knowing I loved them. It was only when I was diagnosed that I realised I needed time to decompress when I got home, not chat and hugs. I assumed I was rubbish at relationships and I'm single but happy now
I'm considering forming a private facebook group for us Late Diagnosed ND Divorcees. I'm sure i can figure it out, but idk how to get it out there for those that would benefit most. Any thoughts?
I'm not even dating or let alone married, but I'm watching this video to gain more insight
I needed this video more than I ever knew. Thank you so much for helping me.
I don't think consulting the internet is the Wisest of choices when dealing with the gravity of such an issue. Marriage counseling, a psychologist, or maybe even direct communication might be better
Maybe you two need to learn how to fall back in love with each other. Idk, I'm a child of multiple divorces and idk give yourselves and each other the chance to fall back in love.
It's been less than a year I even knew much about autism but suffered with "manic depression" most of my life... my ex put up with me for 25 years, poor soul... I still get depressed sometimes, but knowing about neurodivergence changes my whole outlook on life...🙂🙋(Anne in Virginia)
Thanks for sharing Anne ❤
Have you seen info on ADHD in adults by chance? Mine was misdiagnosed and mood stabilizing meds made me a vegetable for years. I couldn't feel hope while on MDD meds. ADHD has a lack of dopamine and norepinephrine, stimulants increase those. So does coffee and exercise.
Thanks Amy, I can relate...
Oh, I so want kids. I'm on the spectrum, and I grew up without a dad because he left my mom. I want kids to make up for my lack of father and give them what I never had. And I want to protect them from the mistakes I made as a guy with ASD. If any of my kids get ASD, I want to give them extra guidance to avoid being the "freak" or "misfit." I've been there.
I started speaking up for my wants and needs and I get told I’m impatient. Even though I waited for 5 yrs for him to do something I wanted and needed. I am expected to just take care of everything and not speak up. I’m in my 60’s, never had a career, I don’t have family or friends to talk to.
Hi Taylor, I’m a 53year old Australian man who has ASD Aspergers Syndrome and has two now adult children to seperate mothers. My diagnosis with Aspergers came at 33 years of age, by which time I had been through a handful of relationships, including one living together relationship. That one produced my son. I’m sad to say that I had schizophrenia in my twenties, and that led to me leaving his mum, for health reasons. My relationship with my daughter’s mother was what most people call toxic. She was often abusive, verbally and financially. I left when my daughter was thirteen years old, and went to live with my son, who was by now an adult. These days, I get along well with my son, who is also neurodivergent. I am not in communication with my daughter, who had adolescent depression and probably undiagnosed Aspergers. It’s hard, but I think I deserve better in life, and am setting goals for my better life. I am single. I work as an aged care worker in independent living, a job that I will recommend for those Aspies who like spending time with people. Thanks for your channel here, you are an amazing person to me. I’m also intent on becoming a TH-camr, and am setting up a charity in Australia. I hope to vlog about my life journey both with autism spectrum disorder and with my new charity organisation.
Matt Conley
The tragedy is that nobody tells autistic people that there are alternatives to the Relationship Escalator. It's OK if an Apartner or Polyam, or whatever, works for you and cohabitation/marriage doesn't.
Thank you so much for your kind, helpful, honest work ❤
That summary! So good!
I do certainly have my back. I just wish someone would let me know when something or someone is sneaking up on me.
When I am through with my divorce the only other partner for life I would chose is….a cat! And even that is loads of responsibility. ❤ cats and close friends, and my own life! 🎉💪🏽
You are amazing! I have been through this.
Such a compassionate and helpful video! I wonder, do you think a person on the spectrum should marry a neurotypical person? It seems like no one would ever be understood or have their needs met.
From my experience, it can be done if you are at similar mental health levels but only if the NT is willing to be humble about their issues too.
I think it's going to vary for each person, and that you should enter into a relationship based on what feels right to you. There are so many different versions of brains and people and preferences that I think it's really hard to offer any blanket advice here !
Thanks for this video, it's very informative. One comment if I may: some markers for each point/part raised in the video would be useful.
When I got divorced the 🎇 st time. I thought I was just to young. My s3cond marriage was working but yep.pulled on my heart. It was like me OR marriage. I felt held back both times. Right now I am away on my own and feeling better. But l9ve my h7sband dearly. Just to see. 😊
off topic- but that is your color youre wearing! its perfect for you
Wow. I watched your "AUTISTIC RELATIONSHIPS: 10 Tips..." video from 2021 before watching this one. At one point your ex was quoting his inner monologue for reminding himself not to take things personally, and I saw you go from a slight smile and nodding to pressing your lips together when he got to "... and (she) wants me to be around her." I don't know if I'm misreading it, since I'm autistic too and _not_ good with facial expressions (thus also hyper-focused on them to a fault), but it felt like you un/semi-consciously stopped agreeing with him at that point, and now I learn you're divorced, so I have to wonder. Either way, I'm sorry it wasn't going to work out, and I hope you find happiness going forward. 🙂
Really good advice in this video, by the way. 👍 I had a bad marriage for a long time and, while we did eventually work things out to the point where we wouldn't trade each other for anything, I really feel like I sacrificed a huge chunk of the prime of my life to _get_ that, and I kinda wish I'd had advice like this to make me think about my options, because you really shouldn't _have_ to sacrifice years and years of your life just to be happy.
yeah interesting insight about the body language in that video I did years ago! I'm sure there are signs in my body language even then that I wasn't aware of yet...
You are such a helpful resource to me❤ thank you for you videos
I left mine, after 12 years together & 9 years of marriage, largely due to a refusal to grant me any accommodations of any kind.
I guess this could also work for people unmarried but dating a long time…
Thank you for this.
You're welcome.
Likely the sane time you posted this my partner was arrested fir domestic 5th degree yelling instill fear. I at first started to fight to get the no contact removed as I love him and I depend on him physically and financially as I am disabled. He with police escort packed up his stuff. I found out he wants nothing to do with me. So then I stopped trying to help and instead I told the truth in an email. And I put flat out my fear of no caregiver no way to pay rent had me try to remove it. Because I would rather be in abuse or out on the cold streets. Financial abuse is a real threat. Tomorrow I try my hardest to overcome the autistic parts of me and go to social security to get help. I need ssi. I should have already had it. This is rough. The autism and adhd caused most of the fights. And that day it was a day I could not get motivated to shower. All for that and just like that it was over he did not love me, did he ever. I suspected he was a narcissist especially his projecting. He even accused me of projecting. It was toxic. But I loved him.
10:58 the new term is "permanent stete of tolerable unhappiness." I think so many marriages are like this.
Hi Tay, I don't know if I can say anything because I don't think I'll ever be in a romantic relationship (I identify myself as asexual and aromantic). I think this is a great list with amazing explanations. Maybe it could also be applied to relationships between friends.
I have previously been diagnosed with relationship OCD (ROCD), and PTSD and later as ADHD (at 35) and now I have had my ASD assessment (at 37) which told me I never had OCD or ADHD just ASD and some exec function challenges. 2e. 99.9 percentile in reasoning ability but the 40% in efficiency, and disabled in Math. Its like being trapped in my mind! This time hard for me because I had an OCD explanation for my relationship anxiety before and now I dont. I have been hoping you would make this video a long time. I feel fortunate that the work I did to tackle rOCD has prevented me from sprialing into a thought loop about the rightness of my marriage. However I know I will need to navigate what this new diagnosis means for our marriage and what we want out of it. I strongly suspect my wife is on the spectrum too but she is uninterested in finding out since she says her life is happy and she doesn't have my mood troubles. We are already in counseling which is going alright. Were both also in individual.
I did want to ask how it has been sharing custody for you? We have different parenting styles(I'm more of a low demand parent) and that is one of my fears.
I've never understood divorce. At least not for reasons such as- 'we grew apart'. Especially if you love your spouse (even when it gets past the 'in love' and infatuation phase), it's still love and should only get deeper, but will always need to be worked on. I've only understood divorce for reasons such as abuse, or cheating. For me divorce is not an option, unless it's for those extreme cases. Especially when there's children involved, it's ideal for them to have both their parents in the household.
Good for you, I guess? I hope you never have to feel the pain of being in a misaerable relationship, unappreciated and unable to have your needs met but believe me it's very real. It's far, far deeper than 'not being in the honeymoon phase.' Think before you judge.
Co-parenting can come close to what they would get from their parents staying together. If Dad is only around every other weekend, or he moves to another state, that's bad, of course, but if they still love and take care of the kids in equal share, I think it's often better for them to see adults choosing not to fight or be miserable together and to be friendly and happy apart. Kids are blank slates, and what their parents do is the writing that goes on them.
I never really understood either until betrayal trauma hit me back in December of 2022. Over the course of this very difficult, and heartbreaking last year, I have learned that there are different types of abuse and addiction. My husband and I are doing an in-house separation for a little over a year now, and I’m not sure how much longer we can do this as I especially don’t want to model for my kids what a “marriage” looks like….before the betrayal I was doing my best to model to them what a healthy marriage looks like, now all I’m modeling to them is a mom who keeps on getting abused and can’t protect herself or her kids from the family dynamics. So now, I’m living in a shell of the person that I once was with no support that I can lean on as it all has been taken away. It’s a horrendous place to be in, and trying my best to figure out with the help of therapy, on how I can be the best mom for my kids and for myself.
Thank you.
You're welcome!
My issue is I don’t feel okay on my own. When I’m single I feel so alone in this world, even more so than when in a relationship with someone that doesn’t value me
Ty for sharing this
Im 40 was diagnosed with ADHD when i was small. When i turned 39 i was diagnosed with Autism by 3 different specialists in Australia, i simply did not believe it. It has taken me around 12 months to come to terms with it. I definitely absolutely have it too, im textbook. And terribly sad i had to go through my life feeling like a burden. Even now i wont stay visiting someone for over an hour as im worried they will get sick of me. I know i am off topic. But when i was 17 i got diagnosed with BIPOLAR. Now they are telling me it isnt bipolar its Autism. Has anyone else had this happen ? Im not sure where else to ask. I dont know anyone else like me to talk to
Hello Taylor. I am new to your channel and finding your videos very interesting and informative. I have felt much of the symptoms that you describe in your videos, which has confirmed my suspicions of having being on the "Spectrum". I feel I have much to explain, but it would take too long. I think I need to speak with someone about my suspected condition, but who do I go to for an assessment? I would be most grateful for your direction. I enjoy and appreciate your videos.
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May I ask how is your relationship with your ex-husband at the moment ? That answer would help for insight
Where can I find a resource to help people in a relationship with someone with autism? Also, I have watched dozens of videos on self diagnosis and autism and I'm 100% convinced that my partner is on the spectrum but I don't know how to discuss this with her. Any advice welcome. I mentioned the possibility in the past and was met with rage.
She really have to come to that realization on her own too truly very the best out of it. There are ways to give nudges, tho. Going to couple's therapy while encouraging that y'all both do individual therapy could bring about this realization.
@@Heyu7her3 Thank you.
I know you speak truth about the 'grey life together' part, but the depths of where poverty can take you, can't be overlooked. Especially when you're on the spectrum. I have been under-employed all my life, and my pension is going to reflect that. I am also on my third marriage, so lot of starting over already, and takes a bit of your soul each time. You don't really notice that part until later in life, after the kids have grown and gone. You're offering good advice, but I don't think you've addressed the specific vulnerabilities of autists.
I love how your sweater matches your eye colour
Off topic: did you know that the German word “Stimmung” means “mood”? It must have the same linguistic origin like “stimming”, which I find beautiful 🤩.
oh awesome! I had no idea. Thanks for sharing. :)
I realized after divorce, we are both neurodivergent - but he started physically & financially abusing me after a decade, once we had the big expensive wedding my parents wanted.
There is an inverse relationship betweem expenses on the wedding & chances of divorce.
@@arthurdevrome8925 I agree!! It got much worse immediately after the wedding. That’s another typical step of abuse, I found out later. 😭
I’m still not sure he is autistic or narcissistic. Usually other ADHD & autistic people are so kind and empathetic. He seemed to blame extremely bad behavior on autism when he didn’t even understand autism or his feelings. He also refused therapy together or individually. He changed over time from a shy, sweet guy into someone selfish, bossy, & cruel.