What Dating Apps Misunderstand About Love
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ธ.ค. 2021
- Dating apps have given us so many opportunities to find partners - but they haven't made it any easier for us to secure and build up true love. Here is a guide to how we might approach them with the necessary care.
Enjoying our TH-cam videos? Get full access to all our audio content, videos, and thousands of thought-provoking articles, conversation cards and more with The School of Life Subscription: t.ly/-qIQB
Be more mindful, present and inspired. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: t.ly/AdEGV
FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects here: bit.ly/3qtegnk
“For most of human history, relationships were relatively simple for a banal yet immovable reason: it was extremely hard to meet anyone acceptable - and everyone knew it. There were only a few people in the village, travel was expensive and social occasions few and far between. This had many drawbacks: it encouraged people to accept offers from suitors they were unconvinced by, it meant that characters who would have delighted each other died lonely and unfulfilled because there were a few mountains or a river between them…”
MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE
Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist:
bit.ly/TSOLrelationships
SOCIAL MEDIA
Feel free to follow us at the links below:
Facebook: / theschooloflifelondon
X: / theschooloflife
Instagram: / theschooloflifelondon
CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Deanca Rensyta
www.deancarensyta.com/
Title animation produced in collaboration with
Vale Productions
www.valeproductions.co.uk/
Modern dating has become a competition to see who's allowed to care the least and get away with it.
I first laughed at how you put it, and then immediately frowned because it's true.
*Strictly structurally speaking, though, it's a magnificent sentence -- nothing extra, nothing missing, no punctuation necessary, great cadence... It's like butter!
Unfortunately this is so true. It allows those with sociopathic tendencies to rule the game.
this is literally a mind blowing phenomenal comment. I am literally jaw dropped at how astute this is. I am not joking or being sarcastic or anything. This is brilliant!
@@uneedtherapy42 Don't sell yourself short. Your comment review packs a punch as well!
Sad but true. Very well said
Dating apps aren’t in the business of love, they’re in the business of addiction. Helping people find love would mean them leaving the platform, which would be bad for business. Keeping them hooked on the thrill of the next swipe or message keeps them around, so designing an algorithm that keeps people swiping but which does not create lasting connections is in their interest.
Agreed. It messes with the brain chemicals and keeps one coming back for more.
Of course not. It is in their interests for people to make relationships, because others will see it as successful and join. People leave relationships all the time so there is a constant source of new users. All of this is obvious.
@@garymitchell5899 but they do start relationships in a way. They receive messages, they get matches, they might even go on a few dates. More than they would obtain without the app because it’s easier to connect with ppl. Plus it strokes their ego etc those things are addicting I think.
@@garymitchell5899 People sometimes win at a casino too. But most people will be putting more and more money in thinking eventually that will get them their big win, and what they end up getting won't make up for the amount of money they put in.
They’re also especially in the business of mass data collection.
The apps don't misunderstand a thing.
They aren't trying help people find love; they're trying to make money
The users of the apps are the ones who misunderstand
Hello how are you doing
Yep... that's it... right here... too bad I can't give this 10 thumbs up.
@@TheMacFreack how are you Mac freak
@@bensonthomas2339 how are you Benson thomas
Maybe a decentralized dating app powered by crypto can help solve this.
The trouble with dating apps (from what I can gather) is that people have become a disposable asset.
People always have been disposable assets. From the Ancient Egyptians and up to modern times, slavery has always been there. People seem to want to blame technology on all life's ills, but it ignores human history
Yes, human have always treated others like crap during history, and humans do have flaws, but is true (and well recognised by medicine) that technology does enhance a huuuuge lot those flaws.
It's like addictions: everything, from chocolate to sex can become an addiction, but some substances and activity are way more likely to give you one, and in fact many people who used to work for videogames and social media are speaking up about how their products were designed with the precise purpose to BE addictive.
We always have the FOBO ("Fear of Better Options"), or the tendencies to be superficial towards other, but this flaws are the ones dating aps use to get you hooked to them.
You could always trip and fall of the stairs, but if those stairs are covered in oil and you wear rollerblades...
In the context of dating we are all disposable in a sense, what i dont like about modern dating is that encourages people to only focus on the end goal rather than trying to make relationships progress naturally
Dating apps is great for making a connection, but, it's much more to build and develop a relationship. Often, it will involves understanding, face arguments and compromises. This is how relationships are build not just by swiping left or right whenever you please.
@@leealex24 a dating app is just another way to meet someone. How the relationship develops after people exchange numbers and go on a date is then no different to any other way of meeting.
It's not the dating apps that misunderstand it, they understand it VERY well. It's how they make help manipulate their users into coming back. It's the dating apps' users who are struggling to understand love.
I agree with this view. The psychological question we should be asking isn't "Are dating apps an illusion/build wrongly?", but should be "Are we using dating apps the right way to make accurate decisions?". YES, dating apps are build on math, but so is science and so is psychology.
I so agree with it
Yes. The algorithms and strategy, are to keep you on & maybe get intermittent “reward”…as that shows to be powerful to hooking people (and rats in the lab). To keep you spending time on and more $ if you want more time, options, whatever they additionally monetize. They don’t really want users to find anything! They sell the premise, but it’s a farce.
Additionally, there are an overwhelming proportion of love avoidant people on dating apps. It helps them to maintain that barrier and power. High percentages of insecure attachment styles on there…ones who “want” love, but have self protective strategies to keep safe which then create barriers to real relating.
It’s like a rotating door of possibility, but rare, rare true authentic connection.
No thanks!!
@@Alphacentauri819 I don't quite agree with the second part of your statement. Avoidant style people might find some characteristics of dating apps in their favour but I still think the majority of users are simply introverted people who are genuinely looking for someone to build deep connection with but are not into constant parties and social events and have not been able to find someone in their not so expansive social interaction.
@@chae9854 psychology isn't necessarily built on science, some branches are. The human mind goes deep into metaphysical grounds, you can't sum it up with numbers. The same way you can't sum it up with another of its sub-products, words and languages.
"...almost everyone is a charming prospect so long as we know NOTHING about them!" -- classic line that everyone should keep in mind when your eyes start to wander. One of the best and most relevant videos about online dating I've seen. Bravo.
My personal experience with dating apps has been nothing short of an unmitigated disaster. Everytime someone suggests I try a dating app, I lose two months of my life.
I get v angry when people suggest using them. Like Susan, do u think I haven’t done so before? It’s also a distraction/ feint from the hard work of setting you up with their friends.
It never ceases to amaze me how many friends who did _not_ meet their spouse/long-term partner on a dating app ardently try to convince me that I'm naive for not using one and am "closing off a lot of options" -- that it's all about numbers, that the more people I go on anxiety-producing and mutually embarrassing first dates with, that's one step closer to meeting the perfect match. This is after I've explained my philosophy on it -- which actually has nothing to do with the reasons in this video, though certainly those, too. They just ignore the whole bit about my value system and let me know, because they care, that there's no way I'll find a mate otherwise. Yep, good chat.
They have worked great for me.
@@EddyG0rdo do u want a 🏅? 🙄
@@rexiioper6920 already have one but thanks
Most people mistake lust for love. Love is not chemicals, lust, etc... it is a long term ever changing and adapting, commitment of honesty, trust, and empathy for your partner.
Love is knowing: *this is the best I can do* and doing everything you can, on both sides of the relationship to make it work.
Oh please, the vast majority will agree with your thought. That is why Divorce happens every 4 minutes. Lust is a good place to start. The attraction has to be natural. Desperate women learn to believe in Inner Beauty and things that are as real as Santa or the Tooth Fairy.
sure, and it exists where? besides in your mind, i mean. humans are imperfect. get used to ti.
Not a single relationship would start if there was no raw animalistic lust. No amount of great personality can build a relationship if you are unattracted to the other person.
Exact words bro
"Almost everyone is a charming prospect, so long as we know nothing about them"
Dating apps have destroyed this generation’s relationship building skills. Because the second things go south they just hopped right back on those sites and can find a replacement very easily
Most definitely
I can see this but i also know that many relationships that lasted never really developed those skills either. Many of our parents simply survived their relationships either because of financial reasons or social implications of divorce. Now that those restrictions are for the most part removed, honest conversations need to be had between generations and this younger generation needs to decide if marriage is worth it to them and define what it should look like for themselves. Sweeping the realities of a lot of our parents marriages under the rug has led to a lot of confusion about what to expect and when we don’t get that, we are left confused.
The parents who educated/didn't edcuated their kids did,not the apps
@@NickiAlexia wholeheartedly agree. The start of this video even acknowledges the shortfalls of the past.
Problem solving and communication are skills that are required for building a relationship. They are also skills that many people no longer have.
Please, dont ever stop making videos. Those of us with corrupt youths, parents, lives etc need you. Thank you for all you do.
Tinder is the McDonald's of human relationships.
😅
Even worse than McDonalds to be honest 😂 more like
I dont use dating apps because I'd rather meet somebody organically but this was certainly food for thought. Being single and a little older now feels like more of a minefield than it did when I was younger and though I'm not looking to be swept off my feet I have to be honest, it feels very difficult to just meet people in general because of this online existence we are all living.
Very true the thing about dating apps also its all about looks where in person yes physical attraction means a lot but you could also see there personality
Meeting someone in person feels more authentic than swiping right on an app because of someone’s looks then trying to get to know them . When you meet someone in person , your interaction along with their looks will determine how you want to proceed and dating apps feel unnatural in my opinion .
@@ikraanyusuf4777 that’s because they are unnatural… suck society we live and and all these dating sites or apps are making millions on peoples unhappiness!!!!
Go on a dating app to build a true friendship or just for networking. Keep your head up 🙏🏿
Maybe use the apps to meet someone, and then date to see if you're compatible? Which is precisely what dating apps are designed to do. This is all obvious.
Too much choice makes us unbelievably picky. To the point of looking for a certain amount of perfection that just doesn’t exist.
Technical note: Your audio here has a high pitched whine around 8kHz. It could easily be removed in post-production with software like Acon Digital Denoiser or Izotope RX. I have autistic hyperacusis (sound sensitivity) and it’s the main thing I hear 😊❤️.
Thank you
TAY ZONDAY WTFFFF
processed grinded cocoa beans falling from the sky
Bruh
Bruh
I think these type of apps took the fun out of being courted. It used to be that if someone found you attractive, physically and/or intellectually, then they asked you out. It gives spontaneity and vulnerability to the situation. Plus, excitement and joy to the upcoming encounter with that person. Being judged before even meeting someone seems neurotic a tad bit psychopathic to me. 🙃
Yes! I watched a ted talk about this. They especially said it takes the excitement and seduction aspect away.
@@angelenergia2163 share title or link pls.
@@synsynsy th-cam.com/video/3E46oWB4V0s/w-d-xo.html
I suggest watching it all the way through, it’s really interesting but he mentions the apps @12:00
@Injun Blue letters? What generation are you from?
Well for someone who was extremely shy and insecure like me, dating apps
helped a lot to finally see that it wasn't so complicated and terrible. I have huge problem with understanding other people's signals.
I chose and stayed in relationships to "be OK", to just have someone to share experiences with and just feel good. I knew on a subconscious level that that wouldn't work, I was really unhappy and always saw disaster in the future. I've been single for 2.5 years now and still not ready...ive become more ok with that.
I've never been in a relationship and prob never will...
Same, I started to have relationships just because all around me people found it weird I didn't have a boyfriend. Actually now that I'm single I'm more focused on my projects, I feel better with myself. If one day I will meet someone who I can share a feeling good, but I don't wanna force myself anymore
Going on 10 years single. It doesnt get any easier
you failed as a human.
@@goodgoyim9459 I've had failures in relationships, yes. But I've chosen to take time and work on myself so I hopefully don't continue to make the same mistakes moving forward. I can accept myself for who I am, we are not perfect. I hope you can too.
Everyone needs a compatible partner if a relationship is to last. No matter how good you are at being in a relationship, being with the wrong person will eventually end the relationship all together.
It also skews relationships from decent people towards toxic people, who present more attractive packaging and promises, without substance. It’s easier to ignore quality connections when they require more honesty, vulnerability and investment than someone who tells us what our ego wants to hear, in order to con us. Another great video, thank you!
Hello how are you doing
Like you said, reinforces people to get emotionally lazy .
@@thelonereed2765 Yes, well put. And gives the illusion of choice to some - even though few candidates are actually potential credible partners.
How do I know if my new mate is toxic. I just met someone and I don’t want it to fail. Not sure if we’re in a relationship yet but feeling nervous nonetheless.
@@scifigrl92 I have a few videos on this. In short: figure out if things are working out for you now. If not, look for a good reason why you believe it’s likely they improve. If you have had a toxic relationship, make sure you get enough therapy before starting a new one to minimise risk of sabotage or of attracting a vampire.
Cause Im introvert I used to meet people only over the internet. My last relationship was my longest, also started over a dating app. Right after, I tried the same app again, met someone, but right after our first date, he ghostet me. I decided now to never use a dating app again. Honestly, i just want to concentrate on myself for now, but wish me luck for my next offline partner😀
I'm offline, whenever you're ready, sweets lol
Just because you were ghosted by one man doesn't men all men will. Women also regularly ghost men. Should a man give you after being ghosted once? Seems you got a taste of what men get everyday, all day. Rejection. It just shows that women aren't built to handle rejection. Men HAVE to be built to handle rejection.its the nature of dating.
The Dating and the weight loss industries are the two business models where the consumer NOT being successful is the better revenue model.
There should be no weight loss industry, it’s called exercise and eating right
Also medecine. Until the disease is cured, you keep spending money.
If dating apps weren't successful no-one would use them. Their success attracts others. People become single all the time, so it's in the apps interest to match them up and move on to the next paying customers. Summary: you got this totally wrong.
sucess also creates word of mouth which is the best publicity nowadays
Don't go on a dating app if you have even a little bit low self esteem. Dating apps can multiply your insecurities.
Ummmm. Don't to on a dating site if you're insecure you mean.
@@antetalent7983 yes corrected it now
@@sidharthsharma2637 Nice. But I mean insecurities are plaguing people everywhere. Only accepting your perceived shortcomings and changing what you can change, can help you get over these issues. Learn to accept and love yourself. It took me a while to accept I was 5'11". A girl made fun of me 10 years ago. A while back we met, she apologized for it and she liked me. She really gave me a hard time when we were young. Growing up helps.
@@antetalent7983 5’11” is a very good height to be no? I’m 5’3. That’s no fun for dating I can tell you
@@spam9258 Well she was 5'10" so... But I understand man. But there's smaller girls out there.
Love is a decision. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we can feel happy with the one we choose.
Hello how are you doing?
Ok, but who do you choose?
@@lilyblue3205 You choose the person that has the qualities you are looking for. I think it’s really as simple as that. There are lots of people in our life that could potentially meet those requirements. But a lot of times we talk ourselves out of those relationships or focus on one thing they are lacking… And it’s often not an important thing.
You decide what’s important to you, what qualities are compatible with you, and what you want to accomplish in your life and who can help you accomplish it and who’s company you will enjoy. Then you decide to choose them. Of course, they have to choose you back or this will not work
There are two things you can never buy.
1. True Love.
2. Time.
"We are easier to meet but not easier to love." Hits hard.
dating apps were never meant for real relationships. The fact that most of them are 99% about photos should be enough to realize that
Hello how are you doing ?
How many people have you dated without ever seeing first? Genuine question.
@@garymitchell5899 I don't get the purpose of this question. it's a ludicrously weak counterpoint that completely ignores the multitude of other factors that come into play in person versus looking at pictures at a screen
@@brabnoify It's a perfectly valid question that you have deliberately avoided because you know exactly what it means. I bet you have never dated anyone that you hadn't seen before. Therefore, the other person's looks played a part in that. Dating apps recreate exactly the same situation, but obviously they have to use photos. And then the people meet in person and develop the relationship in the normal way.
@@garymitchell5899 you just lost all the credibility you never had.
This is exactly what I have been saying this entire past year.... dating apps give us too many choices so it's EZ to leave the person who isn't checking all our boxes.... but the person we are to be with may not in fact hit all boxes.... no one will be perfect.... through we create a perfect person in our minds....
Call me crazy but i just feel like SHOPPING for the love of your life the same way you shop for clothes online might be part of the problem. Just a thought 🤦♂️
Youd be talking differently if you had found your partner on there😏 which many people do
There's nothing at all loving about forcing a human being's need for love. Right mom and dad?
dont even need to watch the video
not sure what you meant. Could have been a very nice comment with the sarcasm in the last line.
@@eduardochavacano It's not sarcasm, it's un-resolved childish bitterness.
As if I needed another reason to not use these apps 😂
Now you must pay for the preveilge of rejection
let's start by te fact that anyone finding a reationship on this app, is not profitable for them. they make money off of you not finding that right person. that's their whle goal all along.
If people find a relationship then the app is successful and that will attract other people. Also, people leave relationships all the time so there is a constant supply of new users. So I'm afraid you are totally wrong.
Well done. my parents encouraged me to "be the sort of person you want to find." It's not completely about the other person.
Hello how are you doing
Exactly. You both may have certain strengths and weaknesses that help balance each other out, but at the end of the day, if you want someone who has these or those character traits (kind, patient, loyal, etc.), you have to be all those things too, and want to be them. Don’t do or say anything just to get a desired result from the other person, because that’s disingenuous
The first time I saw someone use Tindr, it was so sad. Swiping left or right on people, like they're pieces of furniture, or holiday sweaters. It was very dehumanizing, and that started my falling out with dating services. I don't believe in selling myself like a tube of toothpaste, and I refuse to write a dating resume as though applying for a job.
I agree. I'm not some asset/toy to be thrown away.
"Dating apps have definitely made it easier to connect"
Meanwhile me and pretty much 80% of average guys who eagerly awaiting for a match who doesn't ghost us
Hello how you doing
The only bonus with dating apps, as with all other apps is the ability to meet people faster. That’s about it. It doesn’t make it any easier to find love or find your person. Too many options and not many good choices. It’s very hard to connect with someone. I don’t think I will ever use another dating app again in this life. I prefer my sanity and peace of mind.
Just a reminder that in 2019, the FTC filed a lawsuit against the Match group (owners of Match, Tinder, POF, etc) for "deceptive marketing practices" and "false advertising".
They do NOT have your best interests in mind.
nobody does as long as increasing profit margins are the goal.
@@metalhoe nobody does, as long as there is no good incentive for doing it. Even if they're a non-profit organization with a virtous goal, if there's no consequences to them for not doing a good job, it's impossible.
It's all lies. No one finds love or relationships.
@@fwa8590 There are many organisations, both for-profit and non-profit, that are very successful at achieving the goals of their organisation without any consequences to them for not doing a good job. What matters is whether the organisation has created a culture where its stated goals are actually what every member of the organisation is motivated to work towards. The only consequences necessary for not doing a good job are personal disappointment and the disappointment of their co-workers. On the other hand, if increasing the profit margins of the company takes precedence over everything else, then it becomes impossible for them to do a good job.
@@MrAlRats The latter part of your comment contradicts the earlier part. You said there are organizations that are succesful without consequences, but then you said they need personal and co-workers dissappointment for not doing a good job as consequences. That means their organization have a system that relies on the perception of their own members. Hey, that's good for them, they've found a good system of incentive for themself.
But, I have a question though, what happened if said organization goes through some major changes, like having members that have different perception, or facing new challenges that they never seen before.
Will their way to perceive things changes too (like they ended up thinking they're not doing a good enough job all of the sudden)?
Will their current knowledge and perception be enough to know whether they're doing a good job or not?
The babies daddies and babies mothers. The overbearing parents who control their children with money. The never ending string of exs and options were supposed to compete with.
Dating apps don't misunderstand anything. They don't want anyone finding love. If people do, they wouldn't need the apps anymore. The app developers want to keep users on the apps.
Statistics is the real problem with dating apps. Because these apps rely heavily on the superfluousness of "compatibility" algorithms and percentages, they also forget to concentrate on helping others through social etiquette. Humans are a lot more than math.
The whole point of the app is to help people meet. So the algorithm puts together two people who both like say opera, or cooking. It's an app, not mind control.
Are you guys American by any chance?
Just got stood up by a match for a coffee date unexpectedly, today. Perfect timing for this upload.
Hello how are you doing ?
Some people are flakey. That was true before dating apps. Pick more reliable people.
I think loneliness and fear of being alone makes people even still settle or pick someone that's not actually suitable. people still pick partners for reasons other than love today.
Notice women use the term settle.men rarely use this term.its offensive to women. But women, even though they find the word offensive, use it. A working class man is "settling" even though very very few men aren't working class.
The average woman feels like a queen with the Instagram.
Yes absolutely..I also think many women and men over value themselves in what it is they actually have to offer a 5 wanting a 10 lol go both ways...and it can also be very superficial when they try and list what it is they are looking for.
I have noticed a big trend in women making lists of what they'd like in a partner that are rather unrealistic vapid or materialistic ...and really don't even mention values or balance or temperance honesty openness concientiousness or many other things one might value below the surface that would provide a stable relationship on that list. I mean making me laugh can only go so far.
When I say settle..it's getting into a relationship that's not actually suitable like in case of accidental children ect. Settling for an idiot cause there beautiful or goodlooking..😆
But like many words these days the meaning gets lost or changed in the trend.
And I have seen much info and science on the difference between how men and women view this Yes! We could even go right into biology and the biological differences.. But that's a touchy subject these days too.😑
But in my day settling meant in a relationship for something other than real love for many reasons...
Many I find want the person to be all these things not putting the work into themselves to up their value and potential in gaining a higher value partner.
Also I fear for the women who use use only their looks as value or currency as we all have to age.
Anyways I have much to say on it...But I'm sure just this will trigger someone 😆 as will your comment.
@@bloowhalez yes
@@brittanydumoulinful and yes the word settle has become so toxic. Men don't use this word. This word has pressured women into passing up men that would treat them like gold, waiting for the perfect guy, until it's too late and they are 40 and "have to" settle.
It's not settling. It's getting what you're worth.
There are WAY more pretty girls than rich men. So these girls have to get with the program and either die alone or "settle" for a working class man.
@Independent CriticalThought You must've missed those mid 2010s studies which revealed women rating 85% of men on dating apps as below average looking as opposed to men who only rated 45% of girls as such. Or the DNA studies which reveal that twice more women than men have reproduced throughout history. Critical thinking ability must be a bit sluggish in your old age.
The only way to win the dating game on apps is to not play it at all. Don't install any of these dating apps because they do more harm than good.
What would you recommend to meet new people then?
@@Nayru... The best place to meet people is joining meet ups in your city where they go for concerts/walks/reading etc basically any activity that you would be comfortable doing with a group. I specifically say your city because it eliminates the problems of long distance which opens up a whole can of worms on its own.
@@wylser That is very difficult for me, for I don't enjoy activities with many strangers. I have never met any potential mates accidental in daily life, always Apps, dating-sites, or very rarely in the disco.
@@Nayru... As cliche as it may sound: volunteering. Everybody wins. You help an organization that you believe in, you develop or build skills, you can put it on your resume, and...you meet people. And even if you're on the shy or timid side, it's ok, because there's a task at hand that's driving the interaction, you don't have to just walk up to someone cold turkey. If you meet a potential date, it will be a more natural introduction. The worst case scenario is you make some new friends, or simply have a good time while you're there. Honestly, it's the best way to not feel lonely and/or meet people.
@@wylser What's the difference between meeting someone online and meeting someone irl?
If you aren't able "to love" and to build a relationship (as the video states), it won't change the medium you used.
When I was young, I thought online dating would help me find someone who would love me. Now I'm 40 and still, for whatever individual reasons they may have, women have never wanted anything to do with me. Contrary to your statement that "online dating has made it easier to connect", my online dating experience has been the total opposite. I'm always alone. Forever alone. Life's hard; it's harder when you have no one.
For whatever reason? Did you take the time to ask for their reasons?
As I've gotten older,I feel the same way @ times but in my case perhaps I should've taken advantage of certain opportunities while younger but I didn't since youth had me feeling I had plenty of time/options
@@antetalent7983 Yes, and they each had their own answers as to why. Some didn't reply at all, some didn't like me because I wear glasses, some because I'm partially disabled, some because I was not tall enough. Would you like more examples?
Dating apps and online stuff is a kind of rich get richer deal. Everybody knows this.
@@colinfox2778 Okay. How old are you and them?
I've often felt like "Seinfeld" set the tone for the online/app-based dating culture. Episode after episode has scenarios where a date is judged quickly or harshly for relatively superficial reasons (low talker, man hands, always naked...) and summarily dismissed from the dater's life. It's all in good fun, but...is it? It's one of the most-widely viewed tv shows of all time, and it sends viewers hundreds of teeny weeny messages that you have the right to get the absolute best -- even if you yourself are a big bundle of flaws.
Part of the reason the series ended with all of the characters in jail.
@@lyndsaybrown8471 Yeah. I wonder if they were trying to end on a high note, like, "Sorry about all the bad lessons over the years, everyone! We were just kidding!!" Don't get me wrong -- it's a funny show. But I mean...damage done.
I had the exact same thought lately as I have been watching the show for the first time! Although I enjoy the humour, I have noticed how "cold" its spirit is, there's no celebration of deeper feelings, children, loving relationships. The characters take pride in being serial daters, dismissing the established couples around them and feeling above everyone else. The avoidant and narcissistically fragile character of George is constantly focusing on the women's flaws. It is funny but I agree that it sends micro messages about what we should value. Ironically that's my now ex boyfriend who introduced me to this show. He's a very avoidant man, 38, I am his longest relationship (4 months) and we met on bumble. He watches this show before bed.
I mean, if someone was "always naked" then yeah I probably wouldn't date them. I don't think that's a dating app weakness, dude.
We must be patient and forgiving
"We will be ready for love when we surrender some of our excited sense of possibility and recognize that though we might have many choices, we don’t - in reality - have so many options." So true
That was a really interesting take. As someone who might be called a 'serial monogamist', my big breakthrough came when I realised I didn't accept myself and that's why I was never really satisfied with previous relationships. When we know our true nature and character and therefore our true path in life we can find someone who is also walking a similar path and we find that we don't 'sweat the small stuff' as easily.
it takes patience, i actually met my husband on tinder. we dated for 4 years before we got engaged and then married. the pandemic even brought us closer.
Your husband is a simp
I met my love through a dating app. Whether in person or through apps, it's ultimately all about being at the right place at the right time.
Think of it as just one of your way of putting yourself out there. Not the only way. Only spend a brief moment with the apps per day. And never take anything personally. Appreciate the new people you met through the apps even if it didn't work out.
I’ve been saying this as well. When it’s your time it’s your time. You cannot make it happen faster and you can’t slow it down either. It’s all a matter of being in your season.
I personally feel that if I take care of my life and follow my passions, connections are made naturally and without looking for them. It is by self-forgetting that one finds. I also believe that meaning and purpose is what gives a person endurance and that a relationship is sustained not by 2 people, but by the purpose in between them which ties both together. A person is not words on a profile. Getting to know someone takes a lot of time and getting to know them without any real in person social circle is another issue as well. Dating websites trigger the Coolidge effect in humans and most social media cultures narcissistic traits over the long-term. We have access to more but there is no wisdom to certain freedom. I hope everyone feels good inside themselves and stays grounded as low-self worth exists at the base of all abusive relationship.
Coolidge effect, huh? Maybe you need to do some reading about female hypergamy.
oh my gosh, that was the most perfect, spot on critique of dating apps [and modern 'love'] I've ever seen. anyone who is not perfect is "just not the one" and we just need to keep looking. it leads to a Sisyphean life where you are always alternating between starting over and breaking up. thank you for this. i'm going to share it with everyone, boo'd up or not.
Hello how you doing
What happened to Alan? Long time no video in his voice over... I miss him!
He's on a Tinder date.
@Syl Marques No
Tha apps are not the problem, the emotional maturity of users is.
I think the apps make forming a relationship and dating weird. It kills the natural interaction and tension in the beginning. It’s too straight forward. Do you know what I mean?
yeah, i mean from the beginning there is some invisible pressure of being liked and to like , as if some deal is going to happen.
@@eate7721 Exactly! I feel like I have to push or force my feelings.
I'm done with these apps. in order to like someone long term person to person interaction is required and a great deal of patience also. unconditional frienship is must be built before which is rare while being adult, cos best friendships are made while we are child. lucky those who got their partner in their best friend.
Agreed.
At the same time, I also see some of my friends suffering due to this societal pressure to be "in a relationship" - either jumping from relationship to relationship just because they don't want to be alone, or over-analyzing what's wrong with them that they can't find a partner.
What's so wrong with being "single"?
We also tend to judge others (and ourselves) if we haven't found the right person.
Wouldn't it be easier to be with someone else, if we could first, be happy being on our own - accepting that loneliness, happiness, sadness are all human emotions that everyone goes through, and realizing that our various needs and wants can be fulfilled by multiple people (friends, family, lovers), and we don't have to wait for 'the one' to be Ok with who we are.
I've never used dating apps. And never will. I've always believed that love should be traditional and face-to-face. One also can hide their true self behind a screen. But they can't in-person. At least not over the long-term.
Dating apps have in some ways destroyed how we think of people, love and relationships too. Pretty sad times.
Hello how are you doing
Kinda bizarre that you think these relationships are virtual. The dating app helps you meet someone. After that it's normal dating IN PERSON. Traditional, if you like. What else??
I was in a relationship with someone who lied and hid their true selves to me, and I met them and knew them in person. Humans are no different online and in person. Dating app or not, people will not be any different.
I adore this channel’s content more than words can describe. You have saved my life and continue to improve it. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart, I owe you indefinitely.
Hello how are you doing
I've always had a tepid relationship with dating apps and was so happy to be married and be done with them. The mere fact of the "next!" mentality was sad. I watched your videos on repeat the past 6 months, thinking hard what I should do when my husband abandoned our 5 year marriage because he was "unhappy." Should I stay or should I end things legally. I gave him the space he needed, and I mended my pain with a lot of tea and meditative walks. The pain of being disrespected and left alone eventually won me over to recently decide the unimaginable - legal separation. Happiness is the developed world's pandemic of the 21st century. Every person in a marriage is responsible for filling their "inner hole" with their own happiness. When the vessel goes empty -- in my case grief, loss, careers shifts -- the other one ideally shows up to help pick them up. The goal is for each to fill their own vessels so that it spills over onto their life together. To expect another person to make you happy -- that is simply immature. Gratitude in my view, is far superior to Happiness. Dating apps, I did not miss you and once again, I find myself tepid at the thought of venturing back into them.
In your case staying out of dating others is probably a good thing TBH.
Seeing how a person behaves and interacts in person can be so wildly different to your perception of them online which is loosely shaped by a few photographs and words that make it difficult to truly understand if you are compatible
Hello how you doing
I (20) met my ex(28) on Tinder in January 2021, and found at Christmas that I’m being cheated for almost a year.
Owch, that stings.
Well that makes sense because Tinder is known to be for hookups and one night stands, not relationships. The quality of people on there are people I wouldn't trust because that means they are okay with only hooking up with people and probably more than one person at a time.
Dating app show how ugly you are. For men if you are not getting 80+ matches or likes you are not desired. This destroys a person's self worth. My friend committed suicide because he was convinced that he was ugly because he was not getting matches. Women won't understand this but i just want to tell men please stay away from dating apps if you are self conscious about your looks.
Erm it's pretty much the same on both sides lol: if a person's not deemed attractive enough on their pics, they don't get matches. It doesn't matter what gender they are.
@@Lenvoleedecastors Its not exactly true. Desperate men try to match with almost every women.
I'm truly sorry for your friend! But men are not the only victims. Women should equally stay away from the dating apps too bc there will always be competition. Even people as a young as 18-24 year olds... Dating is just so hard now. It's not even about finding a soulmate anymore, but more like going to the supermarket and picking out the ripest fruit or vegetable in YOUR eyes. It's all shallow and superficial now. Just bc someone is physically attractive to you, doesn't mean you're going to be compatible.
@Injun Blue Bumble is indeed the thinking man's swipe app. But the dynamics are generally the same. Hinge is like the LinkedIn of dating. That's where you can go find your type very easily. But you need to have a strong profile to get your foot in the door in either app. Out of 100, why would someone be interested in you is how we need to think now.
Thank you for this.
Much needed.
Spot on. This is essential for anyone wanting to love and to be loved.
Hello how you doing
Omg it's Chris Chan!!
I believe what make dating / hookup apps both boring and unfair are: 1) they insert people into a market logic. nobody is willing to get to know one another anymore, you put your labels in a discription with a nice picture and people will pick you like someone picks a brand of yogurt at the supermarket, based on the nutrition information only, without tasting it first. It's just so boring. 2) The intention comes before the interrest, which is just unnatural. people will be on apps "just wanting someone to talk to", or "just sex" or whatever and they'll pick someone with the same intention and later they will see if they are actually interrested in them. In real life that's just not how things happen, you think find interrest "this new coworker is really charming" or "this girl at the bar is pretty" and then we set intention when we get to meet them, "oh sex was amazing but we really don't connect" or "we can be really good friends" or "i don't ever want to see him again." It's so unfair that everyone is hyper-performing all the time because they want to match their intention, so you just miss getting to know someone really cool because you don't want someone who doesn't have the same intention as you in the first conversation.
"intention comes before interest"
THIS. You nailed it. This is what bothers me with those apps. That you already expect something from a person before you get to know them.
@@sm1th3r33ns actually there is a difference. It's important to know what you're looking for before you start talking to someone. That does not mean that you have those expectations for everyone you talk to. You're just trying to find someone who also knows what they're looking for and is honest about it.
I really needed to hear this. Love your content!!
Relationships are too much of an emotional go-to for human beings as a whole. You can have a wonderful time with a fellow human for awhile, especially in courtship. But living with someone exposes parts of their hearts and minds that they largely keep hidden early in a relationship. Some may scream at the mindset that the “fairytale” can’t happen to everyone, but it needs to be rammed into society as a whole; some people should only be part of good, solid friendships. Love is far too much a casino in the long run.
Hello how are you doing
We forget that almost everyone is a charming prospect so long as we know nothing about them.
This extremely taints like 80% of women and like 10% of men.
Both of the groups have inflated egos due to their "curb appeal" that online dating highlights. It gives them an abundance of shallow, inauthentic attention with everybody reduced to a swipe.
Most men get burnt and negative by this, and women remain beyond criticism, which they need, we all need. As taking criticism allows us to shape our relationship to this world and society, our place in it to be a healthy one.
Generally everybody, men and women alike, will think they deserve better than what comes to them on equal terms. All will have an inflated ego or perception in some degree.
Too many fail to realize how much of these apps are illusions. Hypergamy takes over and everybody thinks they will or can find better.
Great comment.
Was looking for that comment.
Wow. Excellent video. Very informative. I'll have to watch a few more times to internalize the lessons. Thank you!!! 🤗
1. Dating different people restlessly seems like " constantly trying out new mirrors" in order to see which one shows us better. Well, but instead, we may as well turn our gaze inwards and try to beautify our own souls so that we can have much more to offer.
I love this quote:
"In the end, we'll be measured not by what we've accomplished, but by how we love."
( Actually this idea isn't about the one person you separate from the entire humanity and love exclusively. It is about being kind, compassionate and generous towards as many people as you can. So it is not about what we get, but what we can give. But of course one can apply it in romantic relationships too)
.2. A very beloved friend of mine used to have a new date every week and then she would call me to tell me about it. Of course it is very entertaining to listen to, but after a while, especially when you notice all the repetitive patterns. it becomes exhausting and very worrying as well ...She is someone I deeply care about, so at some point I told her that it 's as if she is buying a new book every week and reading only the title and the cover and then leaving it aside. You think you are enriching your library, but you learn nothing!
It also reminded me something I have heard from Gabriel Rolon:
"Being with everybody is being with nobody. "
3. I confess that I often feel claustrophobic listening to love songs. But my favourite love song of all time is " Amor é pra quem ama" by Lenine. Friends from Brazil know it for sure!
It is a song about love in its most profound and healing sense. About the kind of love I wish we could feel for everyone .
Just give it a lesson. And here is a fun fact: when you listen to the album version you'll hear this bird singing perfectly in pitch around the minute 1.15. That's a real bird!!
4. The love story I love the most is the novel " El Beso de la Mujer Araña" ( The Kiss of a Spider Woman ) by Manuel Puig. There you have two people who have absolutely nothing in common, locked up in a prison cell! They don't even have their sexuality in common; one is hetero and the other is gay.One is a Marxist revolutionary young man, who is in prison for political reasons, and the other one is there for corrupting a minor .But over time, since they can't get out and have no other option but to listen to each other, they do learn to love each other deeply.
How interesting: if they were out there in the conventional world they would never realise their shared humanity deep down and their capacity to "love", no matter how different, how far the other person seems to be. Anyone who wants to learn something about the meaning of love in its purest sense should read that book.
5. Watching this valuable lesson, I remembered a truly horrifying but very helpful poem by Kavafis.
You said: “I’ll go to another country, go to another shore,
find another city better than this one.
Whatever I try to do is fated to turn out wrong
and my heart lies buried like something dead.
How long can I let my mind moulder in this place?
Wherever I turn, wherever I look,
I see the black ruins of my life, here,
where I’ve spent so many years, wasted them, destroyed them totally.”
You won’t find a new country, won’t find another shore.
This city will always pursue you.
You’ll walk the same streets, grow old
in the same neighborhoods, turn gray in these same houses.
You’ll always end up in this city. Don’t hope for things elsewhere:
there’s no ship for you, there’s no road.
Now that you’ve wasted your life here, in this small corner,
you’ve destroyed it everywhere in the world.
Thanks a lot for this very valuable lesson and the beautiful animation!
All this is very well said.
Thanks Lua:)
I will certainly check out the song and the book, you seem like a nice person to be around, and I must say you cited some great lines throughout this comment, thanks for sharing:)
@@JenSujey Thanks a lot for your time Lady Jenny! Much love to you and yours
@@martinmollerup2265 Hello there Martin! Thanks a lot for your time and your kind words! Oh please read that book! The whole novel is a conversation between the two cellmates and one of them loves the movies , so he tells a lot about the movies he watched, in order to entertain and calm the other. It is easy to read but very profound. It is a tragic, but heartwarming and unforgettable book!
Best wishes :- )
This is one of the most beautiful comment in youtube that I've read in a long while. ♥
Problem with dating apps is that you don' really connect with anyone. Staring at a flat image and typing long thought out messages for a few weeks is easily undone by one party going out at night and feeling and smelling the energy of another human. All that work wasted.
I needed to hear this. Most my relationships have been people I have already known. I've started a new relationship with someone I don't know and my over analysis of it is driving me up the walls. I think that it's my own anxiety of being in a new relationship and that I don't know the person, that makes me assume a lot of things, such as what they ment or what they were thinking , but in reality I don't know this person and are making assumptions.
I've considered so many times ending it and finding someone who doesn't give me these anxieties but I know it will come with everyone. I think I need to relax, get to know the person and let it grow naturally. How do I do this without losing sleep and biting my nails off lol
This relationship stuff is hard
I feel like we're in the same situation right now. And I was thinking the same thing last night.
Little life hack for a new year: try wonder.
When you have doubt about someone, try to look at it with curiosity and wonder. Don't try to find an answer, but enjoy the fact that you came up with questions you can ask them. It's an hard exercise, but with patience and commitment you can shape your mind into it :)
Just enjoy the moment dude and try not to think about it too much. You'll get to know each other, no problem.
Look up anxious avoidant attachment..... if she is avoidant...... run and dont look back.
I’ve found that even though I meet someone and start talking to them after I’ve matched with them on tinder, i always think that there’s someone better just around the corner and end up not rly being happy or settle
I've been on dating apps on and off for the past 5 years or so and I see an increasing trend in what you describe.
This is a very enlightening video and very important - probably really accurate.
After numeruous anxiety attacks, I have decided to give up altogether these platforms that reinforce you as being disposable as an object. I foremost prefer my peace of mind, especially amidst these pandemic.
Interesting. I got lucky in love and little else. Especially since he died. But he was a person I really liked long before love entered the picture. And after I got involved with him I liked him better and better and then we fell in love. And it was a really good thing. Just as easily could have ended up a bad thing. Lucky.
Funny anekdote: My most healthy relationship is my current one and it's with the only guy I swiped right on and the only guy I had a conversation with, within 24 hours of installing a dating app for the first time. 😊
Same actually
Wow you got a match within 24 hours 😳
Gotta follow rule 1 and 2
Would you kindly give me 5 numbers from 1-49? I feel like buying a lottery ticket.
Lucky! I've made a whole comic series on the FAQs from all the patterns I've found with dating sites. Even devised a drinking game around it, also. You know you've been looking too long and hard when you have to tap out from feeling drunk over drinking *IMAGINARY* booze!
Started using dating apps two days ago. What perfect timing
Hello how you doing
When I first heard of hinge, their slogan that says designed to be deleted is such bs.
Nope. Dating apps don't misunderstand anything. It's the people who misunderstand these apps. Case in point, Tinder: it was built as an app for casual hookups/ONS and such. With time however people started using it to find their soul mates and future spouses. Also, people hide their "true" selves IRL too, not just on dating apps. If anything apps allow for time to be allocated formulating answers whereas at a club/bar meeting someone new you can't just sit in silence for five minutes and then answer. So it cuts impulsivity down a notch.
Hello how are you doing
Dating apps are the feasts for the narcissists and the psychopaths
“We will be ready for love when we surrender some of our excited sense of possibility and recognise that though we might have many choices, we don’t in reality have so many options.”
i think about the friends i made in school and meeting them wasn't enough, we were just in the background for each other for a while or the first interaction didn't go well, we forget then get the chance to try again later.
but i guess that's the difference between paths crossing and aligning.
Important information and I will not date anyone who I feel comfortable with it takes time to get to know someone who really is a great person who loves and and has God in there life thank you 🙏🏼
Surprise urself
These apps are good for hookups... it's hilarious how many people hate if your looking for a hookup on there. But in reality, you're very unlikely to meet "the one" on a dating app.... life sucks then you die, so choose your path, choose your partner, and choose wisely.
I know 6 couples who have married and had children from meeting on Tinder. I also know far more people who have hookups in real life than on dating apps. Most people I know who are on dating apps don't have hookups. People need to stop generalising
*if you're looking...
Bro I can't even get a hookup on these apps lmaoo
@@zeus-ow8li I've seen friends get in serious relationships on the apps. But for me its a flavor of the month mentality and many of the women seem feel the same. The stare down of who can care less is pretty big. But the options are what kill it for boths sides most of the time. I cap myself at 5 girls at a time (cant manage every match I get in a day, so its better to get 50-100 and then whittle it down), girls tend to pick ONE from a lot, but keep matching to see what else is there.
Edit: I move a lot and am not ready to settle down rn so the apps are perfect for me. Just know if you're not in the top 20% or 10% of guys on the apps you're wasting your time.
@@RufoGman at the end of the day, whether in real life or on the apps, you attract what you put out. The apps are just another avenue to meet someone. Those who say you can't meet someone on an app for a serious relationship is more a reflection on those people than the app imo.
This is a great argument. I really appreciate the details that go into making this fabulous video.
Hello how are you doing
I found this page helpful indeed, because I just found Myself In Relationships with person that wants me to be apart of him in life. So I believe I real need this page for life too✌ 😊, Indeed Thank You For Sharing This helpful Videos School of Life.
I have done the whole “pick a person and love them” and what the breeds, especially for young women is abuse. So don’t just “pick a person and love them”. First love yourself completely. See your worth, your value, and character. Then search for someone who sees all of this about you, loves it, and shares similar values and love them. Just be careful with how you phrase your videos because as a young women who suffered through a draining abusive relationship, videos like this can sometimes send the wrong message to people like me.
Well stated, thank you. On a related note, neurodivergent individuals have the same issue. So a neurodivergent woman has compounded risks with this system.
true. some people have said it best: "be with a man (or anyone) that loves you a bit more than you love them."
What about the ones whom never had a relationship at all?
@M. D. Half of DV cases are reciprocal, and in non-reciprocal cases, women account for 70% of perpetrators. It's men who must be more careful since society doesn't flood jails with women as they do with men.
Met my baby mama on a dating app. Worst and dumbest decision I’ve made in my life. She was addicted to instant attention on dating apps and it ruined our relationship. Smh
Wow. This is best listened to slowly and very carefully. Line by line.
When someone mentions the word "chemistry" to me I walk across the room and introduce myself to someone else. Attraction is easy, its everywhere, waiting for the right one takes patience but worth it in the end.
You sound incredibly rude and dismissive, and it's fairly obvious why you're single.
Dating apps miss that most romantic relationships start in the dreaded friend zone. Great romantic relationships grow out of non-romantic contact over an extended period of time.
Hello how are you doing
Exactly. A lot of people I know in relationships, started as friends
@@lesshuman00 how you doing
@@lesshuman00 he was using the term friend zone sarcastically because it doesn’t tangibly exist. And to rebuttal against your other statement, we live in a world where it’s pretty damn easy to progress from friends to something more, and there’s a strong foundation to the relationship from the start
@@lesshuman00 can we talk better hazard
The paradox of choice.
Mostly for women.
Such a wonderful insight!
Wealth of options creates poverty of commitment
Please upload more philosophy and literature videos. I’ve already watched all of them and they have gotten me into philosophy.
Hello how you doing
Have you heard of books?
@@bensonthomas2339 good you?
@@garymitchell5899 not really could you please explain this foreign concept to me.
Imagine believing love is for everyone lol.
If you're lucky enough to meet the right one congrats but that's not most of the people's "love".
I feel like dating apps are fantastic for cynical, irriverent and most importantly misanthrope idiots (introverts too) like me, not like it's something to be happy about tho.
There's people who just can't get fond of other individuals; you have fun for a bit, get bored and try again, on and on, living that brief moment of surrogate happiness that keeps you from shooting yourself.
You could do the same irl but it takes a lot more effort and the results are scarce, which just means less moments of fake happiness, why would I want less?
If you're using dating apps to find love you're obviously in the worst place possible.
Feeling like Bojack Horseman after writing this but seems like he's not wrong after all.
Great video! Love your channel.
Hello how you doing ?
As incredible as always. Thankyou.
Dating apps have given me so many opportunities to find DISAPPOINTMENT! Sending lots of statements, queries, and looking for "smart, cute, and tough" only to find legions of common NPCs that all fall under some very specific patterns - none of which are compatible with my fighting spirit.
So let's see what you have to say about that.
Couldnt agree more