Intimacy and Closeness
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 ก.ย. 2019
- The weird thing about relationships is that the more we get to know someone, the harder it can be to desire them - and vice versa. What explains the curious way in which love and desire often split apart? Why can it be so hard to desire a person once one lives with them and cares deeply for them?
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FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects here: bit.ly/2lPCP07
“One of the frequent and painful paradoxes of romantic life is that the more we get to know and love someone, the harder it can be to summon up any sincere wish to sleep with them. Intimacy and closeness, far from fostering deeper sexual desire, can be the very ingredients that destroy excitement - whereas having only just recently met a person and not feeling too much for them can set up awkward yet ideal preconditions for wanting very badly to take them to bed…”
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Produced in collaboration with:
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Title animation produced in collaboration with
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Why Some Countries Are Poor and Others Rich; the elephant in the room: The average IQ of the country!
Thanks for the Video! Forgive me for chiming in, I would appreciate your opinion. Have you considered - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (Sure I saw it on Google)? It is a good exclusive guide for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger minus the normal expense. Ive heard some amazing things about it and my GF after many years got astronomical success with it.
The video whas exactly about what i was looking for and really understandable. Nice work!
All right School of Life...what am I lacking from my childhood this time?
Lol
Acceptance
Sooo true! Everything is our parents fault
@@carrismorton3748 hahaha
@@carrismorton3748 true but we can't blame them for not knowing especially when there is so much we need to be aware of it's another full time job and it sure as hell not easy
“The feeling that one can be naughty and still loved and good is one of the great gifts that a parent can bequeath to their child”
Or there were kids who grew up like me, thinking if they did something "naughty," the love would go away.
I wanted to leave it at 69 likes but it's already ruined!
@@Satan666Official I thought the same thing as a kid. Thanks, Satan
Love is conditional for a lot of parents, so we get into similar relationships.
The older I get, the more aware I am of how lucky I was to have been raised this way
I've never heard such an elegant F bomb
ed
Lol I noticed this. Sounded like foć
Someone once said to me posh people shouldn't swear. I'm not posh, I'm just well-spoken. It's different.
Wow, I gasped
Right!
V sexy!
Cheers for the video content! Sorry for the intrusion, I would appreciate your opinion. Have you heard about - Millawdon Varied Nights Trick (Sure I saw it on Google)? It is a smashing one off product for learning intimate questions to make your relationship stronger without the hard work. Ive heard some awesome things about it and my cousin at last got cool success with it.
Did Alain just drop the F bomb?!?!?!!!!
I was shocked too
Same
He's done so before. You should watch the video about online commenting, I'd never have imagined he could utter such words!
Where's the swore Jar?...
He DID!!
I only feel strong sexual desire with someone I feel a strong emotional connection with. I have zero sexual desire for strangers. I find it kind of repulsive.
Same with me. Emotional closeness is the biggest turn on.
Demisexual?
@@preslealkeppoc2166 From what I know, Demisexuals are ones attracted sexually to only those that they share an emotional bond with. Also, Sapiosexuals are ones attracted to those they recognize as intelligent, and have an intellectual bond with. I feel I share both feelings.
Ditto. Why do these videos always end up going into strange territory? People aren't complicated.
Also, is it weird that I'm the 69th person to like this comment?
Isaac Rivera if I meet a hot person, I want to talk to the person, to get to know that person...I don't think about having sex w them, it's the last thing on my mind
Never thought I'd live to see the day Alain de Boton drops the F bomb, but here we are folks, we've done it.
There's no turning back now......
Ha ha
Fascinating that although this may be a majority - it clearly isn't how it works for many of us. I am physically incapable of feeling sexual desire UNTIL I reach a certain level of intimacy with a person. I need to feel safe, trusted, and loved before those feelings are even accessible. As you can imagine, I spent the first 22 years of my life completely single and date-less as I wasn't attracted to anyone. The partner I have now I had been close friends with for years prior, so we already had a foundation that allowed me to explore my desire in a safe environment. I'm sure there's also a correlation of people similar to me that are watching this video lol. Great video as always!
Abby Pierce Demisexual?
Abby Pierce omg . Exactly what I'm going through right now. Finally feel im. Not the abnormal one seeing how all the people are so into casual hook ups .
Agreed
Ghastly the Abysmal Spirit I’ve researched it and it does feel a lot like my sexuality! I find all genders attractive aesthetically (not sexually right away) so I identity as pansexual. guess I’m a Demi-pan? What a mouth full. 😂🤓
esther w you are so definitely not alone!! And it it makes you feel any better, waiting for the “right one” was seriously the best decision I could have made for myself. I had debated forcing my self to try dating just for the sake of it, and I’m so glad I didn’t. Just do you and your partner will show up when they’re meant too ♥️♥️
The most reoccurring theme in SoL's videos is dysfunctional childhoods create dysfunctional adults. I'm reminded once a week by this channel to never have children
Not dysfunctional adults but adults who need some healing. Which is fine
@@Maracujakeks yes adults who need healing:)
@@Maracujakeks and it's fine😌
@Natalie 1234 I haven't even one.
Yea ... I thought all this Freud stuff was kinda passé
Before you get intimate and truthful with yourself, you cannot be intimate with someone else without being clingy.
*Self-love is the way to freedom and true intimacy.*
Everywhere dude
I could not agree more😆
He's tryna replace justin.y
This idea has been regurcitated so much. We get it.
@Kungfu Panda 🤣🤣
That cactus 😂
It can poke you
You mean coctus?
And the flower
I was cringing so hart whenever this cactus appeared
OMG what was wrong with the flower?
Interesting concept, but was having a hard time staying focused because the GREAT ANIMATIONS hahaha, wonderful content 😂
ikr
@@AlexanderBukh dude I was dead haha !
yup, especially 6:02 part..lol
Hahahahaha 🤣😂
When I clicked on the video I actually thought it was going to be about struggling with developing intimacy with, friends, in a non-sexual way, it took it in a whole other direction but I needed to hear this too!
haha right!
right lol are there any other videos abt that??
@@mmurdyes also from tsol, "the challenge of being close" I just got it suggested after watching this video:)
I’ve been struggling with this my entire dating life!! I always thought there must be something wrong with me because I just never want to have sex with my partner the longer I’m with them... it’s like somehow the more I care for and love them the less intimate I become. All the commenters below who don’t get this view and are in happy intimate relationships with their partners make me feel even more ostracized. I always wondered if this was an issue that stemmed from my childhood, so it’s really intriguing to watch this and see a correlation. Thank you for always keeping me thinking!
here, here :\
Same same. I have more sexual desires in the beginning and as i get closer to someone the more i want to resist them. Not that i hate them, i just see more of their faults (this sound very evil).
Has to do with the way you start viewing your man as weak and vulnerable the more he surrenders to you emotionally...watched a video a about this topic, need to find it again.
Currently im in a similar boat as you. I find it uard to desire my husband because in the ladt 21 years i have grown and improved myself but he has remained pretty stagnant. It's hard for me to find myself attracted to him from 20+ years ago. 😣😣
Maybe women want to sleep with everyone!!
Astounded when I heard Alain said the F word for the first time in a TSL video. Lol.
I stopped the video just to search for this comment 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m still in shock. 😧 Glad that I’m not the only one.
Ikr ! When he said it, I found it soo hot 😍 idkw😂
@@konata8014 I did the exact same thing lmao. It's probably the cleanest way I've ever heard the word said by anyone. Pleasantly surprising 😂
Alain de B. is not a saint. He just sounds like one. ;)
Seeing people murdered in film - ok. Seeing a sex scene - awkward (especially when watching with parents) 😀😀😀
How weird is that when you think about it?
Better hold my breath around my parents during sex scene! Cant let them hear me breathe or theyll think I'm getting horny!
Wtf
Because you'd never kill anyone but you know deep down both people in the room would have/has sex
@J .S I think sex in movies and other media boosts for alot of people thier insecurity, it's quite sad in my opinion
good point! so weird.
honestly i have to disagree, if anything my emotional bond to the person makes my sexual feelings for them stronger as well
This mixing of emotions leads to complications in connecting mentally to the other person
sakanablesakanable how so?
See that's what I think but to be honest I've never been in a long term relationship.
@Andrew Marcum Music lol
@@lysspstick I am afraid that I will have to admit that I am wrong....
Sex isnt dirty, it's perfectly normal, once this got into your subconscious you're good
You always seem to put out a video at just the right moment. It's like every video is catered to the issues I'm working through in my own life.
Haha I read about this concept by Freud, but I thought it was rejected by modern psychology. It was basically an excuse for men to have lovers outside of marriage.
Yes, our sexual behaviour is largely determined by how we are raised by our parents. It was a healing video. Thank you.
These videos break my heart and psyche and then help rebuild it in a more kinder, gentler way. Thanks!
The animation of this video is so smart yet fun. It fits perfectly with the content of this video. Great job! It naturalizes the awkwardness I feel when thinking about my own experiences. Thanks for a great content as always.
The only thing that I learn from these videos is that we are all screwed up and there is really no way around it. It's just part of the human experience.
The School of Life has the most thought provoking topics.
why are people hating freud so much. a great deal of his theories had influence on modern psychiatry. it was kind of hit and miss but that's how it works theories get renewed, worked over and falsified. he was a pioneer in his field.
a pioneer and wrong
Because hating someone is cool, and hating someone who has been hated (read: doubted) by others is safer, even if you have no idea what you are talking about.
Before watching this I thought it was weird feeling a rush when seeing someone attractive while in a relationship.
@J .S English please?
Your videos continue to impress with their depth and scope. The rational lack of judgement is particularly appreciated and allows the viewer to absorb and think on the ideas you present in an open minded fashion. Thank you.
Love this channel and this guys voice is fantastic for these animations thank you 💖
This video revealed to me something quite unexplored inside my own perception of sexuality and relationships. Thank you TSoL once again!
Best SoL video in a while. Excellently put together and well thought out. Thanks!
Wow. I have never been more disappointed with the title of one of your videos.
Perhaps I'm not the norm, but the dichotomy this topic speaks of is utterly foreign to me. To me, physical intimacy is ONLY possible if there is love. In the absence of such, I am repulsed. Whereas, if there is love, intimacy is the highest expression of that love; it is a physical manifestation of the spiritual connection.
Lyndsey MacPherson yes totally agree
This I totally agree with. I love this channel but I disagree with this video. And that's a definition of the madonna/whore complex I've never heard of before.
Lyndsey MacPherson i agree. I cant usually take freud’s work seriously. He seemed to just utterly not understand women at all and therefore had a twisted view on relationship problems...
Lyndsey MacPherson that’s disgusting. I pity females like you.
Lyndsey MacPherson Hey knowing n connection is very important for me to fuck, I can’t fuck a stranger but I absolutely get the vdo... someone u like n know is fuckable but someone who’s so close that it’s like family becomes unfuckable...
U must fuck them before they get that close.
N I honestly feel weird about ppl who says “she’s just like my mom” or “he’s just like my dad” n then be sexual to them. Like how? It just freaks me out
THIS one is mind-blowing because so many people fear intimacy and sexual freedom . I dont think most people are ready to Process this concept. Bravo for Going there
I'm a repulsed asexual, so I understand all these concepts, but have never experienced anything like that.
Can you do a video on asexuality, please?
That’s so interesting, I hope they do the video you want too :)
nahhhh
You want a video about the .01% of people who *don't* desire sex? Why? You have a disorder. Go get help.
Poppy W I hope so :)
Kira That's lack of empathy. But I'm happy to see that there are people like you who understand. :)
This is one of my favorite relationship videos you've posted, great video.
Your voice is so calming! 😴
Great video. On finding intimate relationship with those we had a close relationship to when young applies to all people, as we often seek those who have a sense of familiarity. This is why it's common to see people who had abusive childhoods end up with similarly abusive relationships
Would love to see a video on sexual trauma- why some sexual experiences (even those that may have been seemingly consensual on the surface) have long lasting negative effects on our psyche
I didn't expect this - and I loved it! Thank you for doing what your doing, guys :)
I swear this channel knows my current life.
To me that makes no sense, since the person I was more sexually attracted was the person that I loved the most (my husband).
It makes no sense to you because you probably had an emotionally stable upbringing/childhood. For many, that wasn't the case, hence their difficulties with intimacy/closeness in relationships as adults
@@zeus-ow8li You're so correct.
You are combining two seperate desires...
@@zeus-ow8li I didn't have an emotionally stable upbringing and I agree with her. I do have difficulties with intimacy and relationships in general which means I rarely sexually desire anyone.
this animation is so beautiful!
Who are the animators, they look great!!
Freud was a inaccurate researcher in my opinion
Yeah the cocaine did a number on him
@@ImJef nothing wrong with cocaine. It opens your mind if you take it in it's pure form.
@cleo an*
Sure thing
cleo i agree. I mean i usually like this channel but i gotta say i think this video is kinda nonsense. It sounds more like a conspiracy theory than science
In three years, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard say the f-bomb. I’m shook😳
I have zero desire for sex unless I feel a strong emotionally bond and emotional intimacy. I want zero sex if my husband isn’t putting in time and effort to show me that he cares. If he only shows me affection because he wants sex then I’m not going to want sex because I feel used to satisfy his urge and not loved.
How exciting it is to constantly talk about the exact time , date and year of death. To know before it happens.
Having couple's counciling enforced by authority surprisingly has helped my partner and I regain intimacy.......for the time being and while it lasts I appreciate and relish in it.
Very insightful, as always.
I needed this video. Many thanks!!!
“Where they love they have no desire, where they desire they cannot love.” , this hit me in so many ways. But not desire necessarily as in “desire for sex”, just my desires. Where I love is in the arts, in writing, singing, talking to strangers, my family. And yet I’ve always had a problem with actually doing or being near any of this. Of course I’m with my family, I love them, of course I sing, of course I draw and put myself in places to be closer to these things. But it’s like my desires for other things always is the lead in my life, it comes from laziness? Not believing in myself? From wanting gratification right here and now. Not believing in the maybe the longer process of gratification, in the arts or family etc. maybe not believing I’m capable of achieving this. that I can’t do it. So my desires is what my mind occupies itself with, people, things and places that give me some kind of boost or happy feeling, but never in the long run. And never truly genuine. Never real love. I never thought that doing what I love could be so extremely difficult. Self doubt is really a pain the arse
Whoa Alan! Way to put the matter at its sharpest!
Big thumbs up to the animation! The best part of the videos .
now that I finally have a girlfriend, I can pay more attention to this videos, thank you very mucho School of life!
These videos are magic.
Part of me is sad I'd never be able to feel close to someone, but part of me is relieved cause I realize I never was.
Im getting all mind blown and psyched out by school of life time after time
Explanations like these are all good and logical. And there are a couple simpler than the ones purported in this video, I think.
When you are very close to someone (your spouse) then the degree of friction inevitably rises. As TSOL has commented on a different video the coming of a child turns a couple into business partners rather than lovers. So its only normal that sexual drive subsides.
Furthermore, as TSOL has pointed out in other videos the closer you get to someone the more things you find out about them that you dont like. Its easy to imagine strangers as perfect because you don't know them. One more factor contributing to the same outcome then.
So maybe its not just the Madonna-whore complex but also other more "mundane" issues as well. Just my two pennies.
Very nice! Thanks a lot for sharing
Your videos just blow up my mind!
This struggle is real
This videos are a hit or a miss.
I found this really helpful. Thank you.
Animation and message great as always.
I think that, when you have a good emotional intelligence, and talk a lot about it with your partner, it's totally possible to maintain desire in a committed relationship. is about creating new situations, learning to see your partner in different ways . And, in my opinion, intimacy and emocional connection improves ones sexual life because you're free to talk to your partner, to express your desires and ideias. I think that, when you are in a committed relationship, the problems around sex are others, are about routine, and the fact that it's hard to see tour partner from a new and different perspective, but both must make the effort to see each other with fresh eyes, to create new relationships inside the relationship. I always agree with TSOL videos, but not this one
ehhhhh i was appreciating up until it got freudian. i think it’s fair to assert that you follow patterns/habits of love and care.
i.e.: throughout your childhood/adolescence, you experience love and care in a way that isn’t sexual. it makes sense that it may then be hard to express love and care along with sex as an adult, because it doesn’t fit the narrative that you associate with love.
Deanna Douglass agreed
that's exactly what he said though. freud was wrong about a lot of things, but not everything freud said was wrong.
If you don’t like Freudian ideas I’m not quite sure why you like this channel. There’s a lot of his thinking spread throughout many of their videos
Love your ideas!
This is one of the best videos I Ave watched so far 😄😄😄
This explains everything 🤯
Great topic well addressed.
this video was so cute, funny and fun! i loved it
love the animations on this channel
thanks, school of life :)
First of all, good job for always representing many different kinds of relationships visibly in the animations, and for accounting many differences in sexuality into the philosophy you put forward. I would love to see some videos on the particular, albeit less general, problems that arise from being gay. I have found that many of these videos apply heavily to my life, but somehow very slightly miss the bullseye by a few ticks. More specifically, I think that I would gain a lot from this channel's perspective on the particular shame people feel when they think they do not have internalised shame. I see this both in myself and in my friends who battle with their sexuality without wishing to admit it to themselves. How does one gently but firmly support someone who is confused? Even though I have lived that confusion, I do not know the answer. These are more specific than the general prompts of most videos on this channel, but I feel that it might be worthwhile to specify towards things that may not be as obviously generalisable, and in the process you might be surprised at the number of people who may suffer from these things.
Alright ladies and gents I have No Problem being intimate/naughty/ kinky with the woman I love. It is because I LOVE her with all of my being that I can still express so much PASSION with her. She is my world my reason my strength my life !!! I would do anything for her always and forever. Whole-heartedly disagree with this video.
Same
I'm asexual and it makes romantic relationships difficult/impossible. Sex = intimacy seems to be ubiquitous and everything else trifles in comparison. Cuddling, holding hands, kisses, small gestures, vulnerability and trust... That's intimacy to me.
The idea of sex with anyone I care about is awkward and alienating, but same goes for complete strangers. I've accepted the way I am and the fact that I will forever be in the dark as to why sex is so alluring or how it causes pair bonding. Puberty was a rude awakening 😥
Really, really good,
: Thanks, man.
This channel just goes straight for the juggular
This makes me feel normal!
Oh well. That's my fate. At least, now, I understand it. Thanks. And it's even more unsettling when your partner gets a bit older and starts to develop a remarkable resemblance to his mother.
Personally, I think it's better to love somebody deeply than to have to maintain a sexual relationship. It's a sacrifice I have been willing to make. However, when there's part of the lack of physical desire being contributed by years and years of incidents manifesting a lack of even basic human compassion - that makes it very difficult for a relationship to survive.
30 seconds in, and the movie Shame (2011) immediately came to mind.
I really would love to know who is doing the visualizations of your films! This one is particularly gorgeous! Compliment and love to that artist!
I'm immediately sceptical whenever Freud is cited...
very important for personality growth
relevant as always
Love the videos
METOO based law & threats, is the only obstacle to all this fulfilling life possibilities
I'm in awe of this content. A book that paralleled these ideas was a significant life influence. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
One of the best~!
*"we can contain multitudes."*
Tara Miller yes 👏🏼 yes 👏🏼 yes 👏🏼 WHY is nobody else zero-ing in on this very poignant takeaway?! THIS was the whole point, people! ☝🏼
Intimacy is deeply knowing another person and feeling deeply known. It doesn't happen in the first weeks or months of a new and exciting relationship.
Sometimes it never happens😂
Who cares? Fuck intimacy, it's all about BOOM BOOM n RELEASE!
And ?
Extraordinary!
Awesone essay!
brilliant. 🙏🏼
Simply great! ✌🏼😂
Love but not intimacy from Germany 🙏
I am going to re-watch this video
thanks for the info. I think you know whats up
"Roles" & "Partners-In-Crime".. sounds VERY Wise to me... -60SomethingGuy